Cop Jokes

• What did the policeman say to his belly button? You're under a vest!




• The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.""Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

• The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer."I'm going to a lecture." the man said."And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked."My wife." said the man.

• A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

• Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!

• Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

• A sargeant bawled out a rookie. "Did you watch all of the exits like I told you?""Yep," the rookie answered. "I think he must have left by one of the entrances!

• Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.""I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

• One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman."Officer," he said, "what's going on?""You're under arrest," said the policeman."But why?" he asked.The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

• The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right.""What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?""Today and tomorrow."He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself."Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know.""Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant."It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

• A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"The driver said, "You buyin'?"

• A police officer pulled a young woman over for speeding and politely asked to see her license. "Why don't you cops get your act together," she said in a huff. "Yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!"

• How many cop jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true!

• Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?" The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

• Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.

• What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

• A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”The guy says OK, and drives away.The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

• A female police officer pulls over a drunk driver Officer: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law." Driver: "Tits"

• Why did the policman cry? because he couldn"t take his Panda to bed!

• A policeman arrested two kids on bonfire night.One for drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.He charged one and let the other one off.

• Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?The police are looking for some hardened criminals!

• Two thieves each sneak into a rich man's party. During dinner the thieves marveled at how even the cutlery was made of gold, and both decided they would try to steal some. The first thief quietly slipped a golden spoon into his pocket, unaware that the second thief had witnessed this crime.After dinner, the second thief comes up with a way to steal a golden spoon without suspicion being placed on him. He picks up a golden spoon identical to the first and holds it up in front of the party-goers explaining he wishes to show them a magic trick. "And now..." he speaks to the crowd and points towards the first thief, "I will put this spoon into my pocket, and remove it from this gentleman here's own pocket!"

• A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

• A man was made the police chief in a nudist colony. He liked the job, but putting on the badge was murder!

• A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

• An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

• A police officer pulled a car over and arrested the driver for stealing the car.When he questioned the driver why he stold the car, the driver explained, "It was parked outside a cemetery and I thought the owner was dead!"

• A trooper stops a car and he tells the driver he stopped him for speeding. The irate driver says, "You're nuts, I wasn't speeding!" The driver's wife says, "Oh you old fool you are always driving too fast!"The driver yells at his wife, "shut up, old lady."The trooper is taken aback by the exchange but tells the driver he also is in violation the seat belt law. The driver once again complains that he was wearing his seatbelt. The wife states, "You never wear your seatbelt." Driver "I am going to smack you if you dont shut up". Not wanting a fight the trooper asked the wife, "Does he always talk to you that way?" "ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK," the wife states.

• How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

• How many L.A. cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One to do it and 5 to smash the old bulb to smithereens.

• A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?""No," says the cop."What about all these other cars?""They didn't ask!"

• Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan.The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.The next day, the same thing happens.The guard asks, "What have you got?""Sand," says Juan.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico."Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

• The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

• A man fell out of a tenth-story window. He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him.A cop walks over and says, "What happened?"The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."

• At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police." Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."

• Two robbers were robbing a hotel.The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

• A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver."Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"?The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

• John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

• A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office."What happened to you? the officer asks."A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied."Can you describe what they looked like?""I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

• The cop said, ‘Pull over!’ I said, ‘No, cardigan, but thanks for noticing!’

• A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walk s to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

• A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?""Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver."Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman."Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."

• A young woman all excited called up her local police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!"The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady."The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?"

• What Not to Say to a Policeman:I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over?I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

• How does the LAPD play poker?Four clubs beat a king.

• How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

• My uncle is with the FBI. They caught him in Cleveland.

• Two police officers stopped a guy for speeding on the province highway in Mississauga, Ontario. As they were writing up the ticket, one oficer turned to the other and said: "How do you spell Mississauga?"The other one replied: "I don't know."So the first one said: "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong, it will get dismissed."The second oficer said: "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Toronto?"

• Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

• A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

• Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning."My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife."Honey!" he began, "Don't call the cops and don't pay the ransom.""I escaped!"

• Another Groaner Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

• A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

• Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

• A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

• A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

• A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

• The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

• A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus.That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”

• How does an LA policeman go fishing? He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.

• A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you women jump off of the building?"The blonde answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

• All my friends, we was ready for the second riot. No, not like the first one, where we were just grabbing stuff at random it wouldn't be like that. I've got a thousand boxes of Pampers; I don't know what I'm going to do with it. No, no, this time we had a list. We were going to get the stuff we need. Everybody on my block has bought a U-Haul..

• One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

• The phone rings at FBI headquarters.“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?”“Yep.”“Did they chop your firewood?”“Yep.”“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

• A police officer stopped a driver for speeding."Can I see your driving license?""I don’t have it, I had it removed because of point system.""Can I see your license for the vehicle?""But it is not my car, I stole it.""Stole it?""Right, let me think, I think I saw the permition before in the glove box when I put my gun in there.""There is a gun in the car?""Yes sir, I put it right there, when I shot and killed the woman driving this car and then put the body back to the trunk.""There is a corpse in a car?""Right, sir."After all these he calls the police chief. And soon the car gets surrounded by police. The captain approaches the driver to handle the situation."Sir, can I see your qualification?""Of course, ultimately, there it is.""In fact, it’s OK, and to whom does the car belong to?""It is mine, there is my license as well.""uld you open the glove box, is there a gun inside?""Of course, take a look, there is nothing.""Do you mind opening the trunk too? They told me that you put a body in there.""No problem, take a look.""Empty too! But I do not understand, the officer who stopped you told us that you said that you did not have a driving license, that you stole the car, that you had a gun in the glove box and that there was a dead body in the trunk.""Oh right! I bet he told you that I was running and speeding!"

• A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

• Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.“Well,” says the old fellow, “I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman.Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.”The policeman looks at the old man and says, “You shouldn’t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!”So the old man says, “I know! I’m crying because I don’t remember where I live!”

• There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer. "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

• The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

• A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?”“No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”

• A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

• A car slows down at a stop sign and keeps driving. A cop sees him and pulls him over.The cop asks, "Why didn't you stop?"The man says, "I slowed down."The cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating him. "Now," the cop says, "do you want me to stop or slow down?"

• A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar gun needs calibrating.'

• A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

• When President Roosevelt dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, he did so only because it was more human then sending Chuck Norris.

• This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over."You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked.""'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

• A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, "Where do you live?""Nowhere", the first drunk replied."And where do you live?", he asks the other."We're neighbours."

• Crude & Rude Dude A man's driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police.The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?""Why?" asks the man, "have I got a fat chick in my car?"

• Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

• A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

• Q: What do u call a police officer that works in bed?A: A undercover cop.

• A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Homer gets out.The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. "Now Homer", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Homer whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."

• A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride. After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.“Mister,” the patrolman said to the driver, “I think the best way to charge you is ‘hauling wood without a truck.’”

• A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.The cop asked the farmer, “Didn’t you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?”The farmer replied, “No, I didn’t knowed that.”The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, “To Memphis”.The cop said, “I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.”So the farmer promised he would.Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.The cop said “I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis”. And to this the farmer replied “I did and we had so much fun, I’m taking him to the circus.”

• Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

• A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!""NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

• According to the police, if you hold your purse by the strap and under your arm, nothing will ever happen to you....Unless your name happens to be Bruce.

• "But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested. "Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???""You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

• A frail little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"The cop said, "When?"She said, "Twenty-three years ago."The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."

• A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."

• A murder has been committed.Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?""Yes.""Did you hit her with that golf club?""Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head."How many times did you hit her?""I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five."

• The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

• 1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"2nd Officer: "Who?"1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."

• Signs Your Cop Partner Needs A Vacation:9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

• One night, a lady with a black eye stumbled into the police station. She told the desk sergeant that she had heard a noise in her back yard and gone to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. ‘Did you get hit by the same attacker?’ his captain asked. ‘No, sir,’ he replied. ‘I stepped on the same rake.’

• John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?""No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

• A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?""Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."

• A Policeman pulls over a motorist for running a stop sign. The motorists says, "What's the problem officer, I slowed down for that stop sign?"The officer replies, "I know you slowed down, but you are supposed to stop.""But officer, I slowed down, what's the difference?""The difference is, you're supposed to stop.", says the officer."But I slowed down!" replied the motorist.The officer says, "Let me explain it to you this way. I'm going to drag your scrawny ass out of your car, then I'm going to take this stick I carry on my belt and I'm going to start beating you with it. After five minutes I'm going to ask you, do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?"

• A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

• When customs finds something in your butt, how do you act surprised?

• Microsoft Office doesn't correct Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris correct Microsoft Office.

• A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

• A cop asks a nigger:Can you legitimate yourself?Is this because I’m black?

• My wife and I have our little fights.We had a fight last week.Nothing much, only two police cars.

• Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?A: Yes.Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?A: I forget.Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

• A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together.Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

• This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal."She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?"He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield.""How much damage did it do?" she asked."Minimal, however I did get a ticket.""A ticket how did you get that?""Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket.""What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?""No, for flipping him the bird!"

• DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..."Your badge... Show him your badge!"

• Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations." "Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?" He said "about ten gallons."

• A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs. Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder. They ask the girl: "What kind of powder is that?""Heroin""But heroin is matte-white, and this powder is orange.""This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."

• How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

• Those poor cops, they put themselves in the line of fire to protect and serve us – yet we make jokes about them. Maybe if so many fat police officers weren’t sitting in a Dunkin Doughnuts writing speeding tickets they’d be left alone.

• Did you hear about the policeman who found a stolen car on Acacia Street? He pushed it onto Park Street – he couldn’t spell Acacia.

• A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"The boy replied, "What turkey?"The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

• Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks."I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."Amazed, the driver asked for what.The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

• A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.A $40 speeding ticket was included.Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

• A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."

• Hot Shot Rookie A rookie patrol officer stopped a car for speeding.The driver asked, "Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"?The officer said,"Sure".He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car."Anything else?" said the rookie.

• Why was the picture sent to jail?It was framed.

• A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

• A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

• Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

• What do women and police cars have in common?They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

• A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased."This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop."My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop."But how do we know which is which?"They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea."Lets cut off this ones tail"The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask whats wrong."You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!""But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart.""Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one?!"

• St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

• A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

• A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’ "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

• A state trooper stopped at a little cafe for coffee. As he was getting ready to leave a patron of the cafe yelled out, "Go out and get 'em!" he said. "I suppose everyone's going to get a ticket today?""I don't really give out many tickets," the cop said. "Oh, come on," the man teased. "You'd give your own mother a ticket.""No, my mother never drove a car," said the trooper. Then a grin spread over his face. "But I did catch her jaywalking once," he said, "and I issued her a warning. But that's all."

• On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

• It gives me a solution to this whole inner city gang problem that we seem to be having. I just got to get some people behind me, right? I think we need about 20 or 25 grandmothers, give them all belts and do one big drive-by whupping on these kids.

• An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.Then they heard voices.Three men had broken into the greenhouse.Scared, they called the police.The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them." The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

• What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A plain clothes police dog!

• The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer."I'm going to a lecture." the man said."And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked."My wife." said the man.

• A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

• Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

• 10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

• ‘If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.’

• An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting.A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle."Pullover!" the cop says"No!" the woman replied, "They're mittens!"

• COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least." LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.”

• A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.Police suspect a cereal killer.

• How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.

• Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms."How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo."That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.BONG!!!"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?""Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"Quasimodo came out and said... "I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

• A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife."You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.""Oh yes dear, what happened ?""I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.""Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?""Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

• A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.”The giant nodded.“If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. “I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.“Are you sure?” the deputy asked.The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.”“In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.”

• A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say? The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license." The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there. The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

• The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.14. Bad cop. No donut.13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?9. I pay your salary8. So uh, you on the take or what?7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

• A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."

• A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?"

• A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt."What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

• The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.""Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

• The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.“My wife.” said the man.

• A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, “meow”, the cop says, “oh, its only a cat”He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, “woof, woof”. The cop says, “its only a dog”.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, “potato”

• Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead people here!Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you?Blonde: The cemetery!Cop: *facepalm*

• Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

• 1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!

• How many cop jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true!

• A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

• A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?""Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

• A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

• A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding. When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'. The trooper takes out his machined aluminum flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'. The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'. The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'. He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight. The kid says 'What was that for, sir?'The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish. Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend, "I wish he'd have hit me with that flashlight", so I fulfilled your wish.'

• A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go.And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

• A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?""I should let you know first that I am a policeman.""That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

• The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!""Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet.The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

• A lot of people are desperate today. A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?"I said, "No."He said, "Stick 'em up!"

• Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, sarge, why did you stop?”The sarge replied, “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”

• A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes – $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves.""How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls. "Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied… "their sign pertains to religion."The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car.Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00."

• A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

• What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?A small medium at large.

• Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

• The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness."Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander."I certainly did.""And?""And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"

• Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks."I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."Amazed, the driver asked for what.The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

• Aunt's Pay A young lady went to the dress shop where her aunt worked and picked up her aunt's pay.On the way home she was robbed, so she called the police and said, "I just lost my aunt's pay."The desk sargeant said , "Ouyay, Unnyfay!"

• 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

• Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.Q: How long has he lived with you?A: Forty-five years.

• A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia." As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

• Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour."Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do.""Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

• How do you join the police? Handcuff them together.

• The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

• The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness."Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer."Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

• A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."So the farmer promised he would.Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."

• A police officer pulls over a speeding car.The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !?"The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?""Only when he"s been drinking, officer."

• An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”)As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.”“Scripture?” replied the burglar.“She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

• A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD." The drunk promptly fainted. The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

• One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.“Shut Up”, replied Shut Up.“Stupid”, replied Stupid.The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. “Excuse Me!” shouted the chief.Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.“Shut Up!”“Stupid!”The police chief was very riled. He then asked” Are you looking for trouble?”!!!Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,”Why yes, how did you know?”

• A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

• "But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested."Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???""You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

• A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him."There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!""Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!""Off you go," said the officer.

• Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper.The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head."What did you do that for?" the driver asked."I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car."The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver. He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window. When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head."What did you do that for?" asked the startled passenger."Well," responded the trooper, "I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck woulda tried that with me!'"

• A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

• A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

• A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!”, he whined.“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!”, retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”“Oh no!”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.“Where’s my Rolex???!!!”

• A man walks into the sheriff's office.... "I want to become a deputy!""Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.The poster reads: 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man."Rustling."

• The young police recruit was asked.. "What would you do if you were sent to arrest your mother?" His reply.... "Call for backup."

• Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!""Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?", asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

• Things not to Say to the Cop Who Pulls You Over10. Your so-called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.9. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.8. Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?7. I am not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers.6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.4. You're not going to search my trunk are you?3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

• A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling. What should I do?""In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.""So what’s the problem now?" his Boss snapped."The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

• Q: What is your date of birth?A: December 30th.Q: What year?A: Every year

• A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

• A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

• Why did the policeman carry a pencil and a piece of very thin paper? He wanted to trace someone.

• A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes."Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"

• A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood.Police are still hunting for the clots.

• A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."

• A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: "Do you know where your going?"Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.

• Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial.The note said: “Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.”The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way.The judge made a noise.“I wanted someone from maintenance,” she said.The trouble was the window blinds on the courtroom’s right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.

• The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk”The wasted wino asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”Obviously relieved, the wino said “That’s a relief - I thought I was a cripple.”

• Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized crime unit were overlooking a bloody mob hit scene. The victim had six gun shot wounds to the back of the head. One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen."

• A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed.Have you been eating doughnuts?"

• Q: And where was the location of the accident?A: Approximately milepost 499.Q: And where is milepost 499?A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

• A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see the light was on from the bedroom window. As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

• A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!

• A boy speeding on road. Guard stops him and ask, "Did you see the speed limit sign?" The boy says, "Yea, I just didnt see you."

• A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

• One day a Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail..... there's no way in the world that I can pass that test.

• For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself." And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

• A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

• A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

• The phone rings at FBI headquarters."Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!""Thank you very much for the call, sir."The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?""Yep.""Did they chop your firewood?""Yep.""Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

• The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"

• Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

• A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

• A cop pulls a guy over:Sir, why were you speeeding?Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I became really drunk.

• Q: What do u call a police officer that works in bed? A: A undercover cop.

• A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.Officer: "You were speeding."Man: "No, I wasn’t."Officer: "Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket."Man: "But I wasn’t speeding."Officer: "Tell that to the judge!"(The officer gives man the ticket.)Man: "Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?"Officer: "Yes, you would."Man: "What if I just thought that you were?"Officer: "I can’t give you a ticket for what you think."Man: "Fine, I think you’re a jerk!"

• A drunk man was smoking drugs while driving.The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?"The drunk man, "What drugs?"

• A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman!Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

• A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

• A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

• The cops must be after you, because it's illegal to look that good.

• A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife."You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.""Oh yes dear, what happened?""I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.""Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?""Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

• One day a man was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, and he really had to take a s**t. So he got out of his car and went over to a bush and took a s**t in his hat. He couldn't leave his hat there because he had his name on it. He took his hat and on the way to his car he saw a police man. He covered the hat with his hand. The police officer came over and asked him what was in the hat.The guy said, "It's a hurt bird."The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away."The police officer said, "Let me see the bird."The man said, "I can't if I take my hand away it will fly away." They kept that up for about five minutes.Then the police officer got mad and asked him one more time. "Take your hand away and I will reach in really fast and the bird won't fly away!"The guy said, "Alright." And he slowly removed his hand.The police officer reached in and grabbed a handful of s**t and asked the man, "What is this?"The man replied, "You scared the s**t out of the bird."

• An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes." Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture.

• The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters."Hello?""Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?""Yes. What can we do for you?""I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood.""Thank you, this will be noted."Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.The phone rings at Tom’s house. "Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?""Yeah!""Did they chop your firewood for you?""Yeah, they did.""Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

• A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club.Police are looking into it.

• One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.

• A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her.She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room.Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

• A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?""No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

• The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.“Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” inquired the officer.“Mister,” exclaimed the telephone lineman, “I was at the top of the pole!”

• One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

• A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.Just look at our cars.There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.This must be a sign from God!"Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.This must surely be a sign from God!"The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!Here's another miracle!My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."The priest nods in agreement.The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

• A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn.The cop asked, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?""If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"

• A rabbi and a priest crash into each other at a four-way junction. They both get out of their cars and look at the wreck. They both thank God they are OK, and the priest says, ‘This must be a sign that God wanted us to meet.’ The rabbi says, ‘Yes, indeed, let’s drink.’ So the rabbi gets out some wine. They toast each other and the priest drinks his glass. But the rabbi doesn’t take a taste of his drink. Priest: ‘Why aren’t you drinking?’ Rabbi: ‘I’m waiting for the police.’

• Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms. "How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo. "That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head. BONG!!! "That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?" "Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?" Quasimodo came out and said... "I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

• Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was almost killed in a traffic accident?A: Some dick cut her off.

• Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

• I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?

• A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

• How is a police car like a women?It flashes and It usually has a d*ck in it.