College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it."Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told
if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
4th RunnerUp
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd RunnerUp
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd RunnerUp
The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
1st RunnerUp
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat.
When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York
with Chicago.The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"Any students out there? Here is some advice for writing your term papers :)
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
11. Listen to the other side.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowler's Tour, any movie starring Don Ameche and Star Trek.
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper.5: Did we have homework? No one told me we had homework!
4:The textbook didn't have any answers in it.
3: It spontaneously combusted as soon as I finished it!
2: My brother was sick so he couldn't do it for me.
1: I'm a teenager I know EVERYTHINGA university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clich?s like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Don't use no double negatives.
12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on "Thinking Skills". She was giving some concrete examples of deductive reasoning skills.
"I'm holding an object behind my back", she said, "And it's round and red."
Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. "Is it a cherry?" she inquired.
"No," said the teacher,"It's an apple, but I like the way you think."
Next the teacher said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?"
"A banana! A banana!" shouted little Freddy.
"No," said the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I like the way you think."
A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Dukie. "Hey teach, how about I hide something and you guess." Not to be outdone the teacher agreed.
Dukie swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand into his pocket, and said, "I've got something in my pocket. It's round and hard and it's got a head on it."
The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. "Dukie, that's obscene, sit down."
"No it's not teach," he said as he brought his hand out of his pocket. "It's a quarter, but I like the way you think."Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is
wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert ponders this for a moment, and then says, "GO REDSKINS!"One day, the teacher says for the homework
assignment to go home and tell everyone in
your family that you have homework and record
what they say.
So George went home. His Mom busy doing
taxes. He first tells his mom he has homework
and she's says "Shut up."
Then he goes to his brother which is watching
Batman. George says that he has homework. His
brother sings (in the Batman tune) "Nah nah nah
nah nah nah nah nah Batman."
His sister is talking on the phone. George
tells his sister that he has homework. She
says "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Then he goes to his dad which is cooking
hotdogs and says "I have homework dad." Dad
says "My buns are burning, my buns are burning."
Then next day the teacher asks if anyone wants
to tell aloud to the class their homework
assignment. George raises his hand. The
teacher calls on him.
"Shutup," said George.
"What did you say?" the teacher asks.
"Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah
Batman," says George.
The teacher then asks, "Do you want to
go to the principal's office?"
George says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"Go to the office!"the teacher yells.
In the office the principal spanks him.
Geroge says, "My buns are burning, my buns
are burning."
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the
principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the
situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Time Limit: 3 weeks
YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!
1.) What language is spoken in France?
2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
OR
Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(D) WRITE A PLAY
4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one)
(a) Jewish
(B) CATHOLIC
(c) Hindu
(d) Swedish
(e) Agnostic
5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8.) What are people in America's far north called?
(a)Westerners
(b)Southerners
(C)NORTHERNERS
9.) Spell - CAT, DOG, PIG
10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.
11.) Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) 7-11 stores
(c) cats and dogs
(D) THE SKY
12.) Can you explain Einsteins's theory of relativity?
(a) Yes
(b) No
13.) What are coat hangers used for?
14.) The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium.
OR
Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS
16.) Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) Nigeria
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Australia
18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19.) What is the phone number for 911?
20.) How many Chinese Urns in a dozen?
21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?
22.) Where does wood come from?
(a) TREES
(b) Asphalt
(c) Steel
23.) If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how much money do I have left?
EXTRA CREDIT:
Using your fingers, count from 1-5.A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer
feet ain't empty."Cow Birthing: ============ The man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well Willie, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Funny Sign:
"Teacher Strikes Idle Kids"Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about a wankHaving chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh
is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.A college student his mother and asked her for some money.
His mother said that she would send him money and mentioned that he had left his calculus book when when he visited two weeks ago and asked if she should send it too.
"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." Responded the student.
Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "How much did you give the boy this time?
Mom replied, "I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000."
"That's $1020!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry hon," Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in
chapter 19!"City of Los Angeles High Scoohl Math Profiency final Exam
Name:______________________________
Alias:_______________________________
Gang:______________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of ten shots and shoots 13 rounds at every drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload? What is the Maximum number of people he can hit? 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Ricky for $320, and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does he have left? What is the street value of the remaining coke? 3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If his cut is $65 a trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800 a day crack habit. 4.Jerome wants to cut his half pound of Heroin to make 20 percent more profit. How many ounces will he need.? 5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $1000. 6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending over $100 per month, how much will be left when he gets out of prison? 7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he steals 3 full cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty? 8. Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 28 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up? 9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15 percent, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses? 10. Salvdor was arrestted for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12 percent and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?Define Synonym.
A word you use when you can't spell the other one!"It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have."
--- Bart SimpsonThe Washington Post recently had a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply possible alternate meanings for various words. The
following were some of the winning entries:
Abdicate-v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma-n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade-v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly-adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted-adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent-adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph-v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle-n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard-n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee-n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence-n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash-n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle-n., a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics-n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude-n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes-n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by Mayor Barry.
Oyster-n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent-n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.
"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.
"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"Teacher: Why are you late to school?
Kevin: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Kevin: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."One day at school a teacher said, "Class I'm going to give you a question every Friday. If you answer it correctly, then you do not have to come to school on the following Monday."
The first Friday arrived and the teacher asked, "How many stars are in the sky?"
No one was able to answer.
The next Friday the teacher asked, "How many fish are in the sea?"
Again, no one was able to answer.
Then one student had an idea. He got two big bouncy balls and painted them black. On Friday, before she asked the question, he threw the balls in one of the aisles. The teacher asked, "Who's the guy with the big black balls?"
The kid yelled, "Bill Cosby! See ya next Tuesday!"CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
1. "Strangers Have the Best Candy" 2. "You Were an Accident" 3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" 4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!" 5. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" 6. "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" 7. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" 8. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" 9. "All Dogs Go to Hell" 10."The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" 11."When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" 12. "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" 13. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" 14. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" 15. "Bi-Curious George" 16. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" 17. "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" 18. "You Are Different and That's Bad" 19. "Dad's New Wife Timothy" 20. "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games" 21. "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets" 22. "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad" 23. "The Tickling Babysitter" 24. "Babar Meets the Taxidermist" 25. "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence" 26. "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables" 27. "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse" 28. "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" 29. "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will" 30. "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead" 31. "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School" 32. "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"Q: Why did the the cannibal boy get expelled from school?
A: Because he was buttering up his teacher.Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
-- Homer SimpsonThe little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did
you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that
language in here again."
After a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't
know what it means."
"I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the car won't start."Teacher: "If you had six apples and I asked you for three, how many would you have left?"
Student: "Six."The job notice posted at the University placement office advertised for someone to set up a bookkeeping system for a local dinner theater that was filing for bankruptcy.
When an eager first-year accounting student inquired, the interviewer told him that the company needed an advanced student capable of handling Chapter 11 proceedings.
"I'm sure I could do it," the student proclaimed confidently. "My class is already up to chapter fourteen."One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?"
Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary.
"I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are."
"Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.
"I think your feet go up first."
Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"
Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"A little boy who is entering fourth grade came home and told his mother with great excitement: "This year we get A's and B's and C's!"
His mother reminded him that last year his teacher gave A's and B's and C's, so getting letter grades is nothing new.
"No, Mom," the little boy said. "Last year I only got A's."A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice, Johnny's, from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's old and wrinkled."Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory
test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and
says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three
times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'Teacher: Julie, please give me a sentence starting with "I".
Julie: I is...
Teacher: No, Julie. Always say, "I am."
Julie: All right . . . "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The POPE has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns' was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's what is it? SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWER
A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed
to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay,
now concentrate... what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to
buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell another?
How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who
would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!City of Los Angeles High Scoohl Math Profiency final Exam
Name:______________________________
Alias:_______________________________
Gang:______________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of ten shots and shoots 13 rounds at every drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload? What is the Maximum number of people he can hit? 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to Ricky for $320, and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does he have left? What is the street value of the remaining coke? 3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If his cut is $65 a trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800 a day crack habit. 4.Jerome wants to cut his half pound of Heroin to make 20 percent more profit. How many ounces will he need.? 5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $1000. 6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending over $100 per month, how much will be left when he gets out of prison? 7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he steals 3 full cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty? 8. Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 28 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up? 9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15 percent, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses? 10. Salvdor was arrestted for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12 percent and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?Scene: It's a fine beautiful day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, typing away on his laptop.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?" Rabbit: "My Thesis paper to graduate from University." Fox: "Hmmmmm. What is it about?" Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(There is an incredulous pause)
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!" Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard working rabbit. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
Wolf: "What's that you are writing?" Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves." (loud guffaws). Wolf: "You don't expect to get such garbage published, do you?" Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself. This time he is patting his stomach. He goes back to his typing. (Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap).
Finally a bear comes along and asks, Bear: "What are you doing?" Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears." Bear: "Well that's absurd!" Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you."
SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: ----------------------- It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis topic. It doesn't matter what you use for your data. It doesn't even matter if your topic makes sense. What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.
NAME ____________________
GANG NAME ___________________
TAG ____________________
HOOD ____________________
1). Little Jimmy has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's
$800 per day crack habit?
4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls
Hector knocked up?
9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5
per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20
seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said., "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades . . . somebody is going to get a spanking."The following is "rumored" to be a real news story.
LADUE ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL PRAISES STUDENT PRANK OFFERING SCHOOL FOR SALE
By Carolyn Bower
[St. Louis] Post-Dispatch
Thursday, May 25, 2000 | 7:10 p.m.
A classified advertisement that ran this week in the Post-Dispatch offered what seemed like a deal for those seeking a house in the wealthy St. Louis suburb of Ladue.
For sale by owner: 1201 South Warson Road. Open house May 24. Lavish two-story residence, all brick, renovated bathroom, theater/entertainment room, finished basement, intercom system, tennis court and indoor pool. $550,000/offer.
The catch: The property is Ladue Horton Watkins High School. The open house date was the last day of classes for seniors.
Brad Heger, assistant principal at the school, learned about the ad after he arrived at work Monday and listened to his voice-mail messages.
He got dozens of calls on his private line at school about the offer. Heger called those who had left messages and told them that a senior apparently had bought the ad.
"I explained to the callers that the ad was a hoax, that we have no bedrooms and quite a payroll to meet."
Heger said the person who designed the ad was a good student who won't be punished. He said the student got most of the details right but priced the property a bit low.
Heger has seen a lot of pranks since he came to the high school in 1974 as a teacher. "This one was well thought out," Heger said. "It ranks way up there as one of the best."One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he Had found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead.""Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.If a Dog were your teacher, you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a car ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
As you enjoy the wind in your face, do not restrict your capacity to drool.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily, if not by the minute.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the cool grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a tree.
When you take a drink of water, find a human to drip the extra on.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often or severely you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Don't stop when you've had enough.
Be loyal.
Tolerate cats -- humans love that.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it, where ever that leads you.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.You think your high school was tough?
My high school was so tough that when the teacher asked what comes at the end of a sentence, three guys answered, "You appeal."51. Friendly Fire
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXY-Moron . . .
1. Microsoft WorksA first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly "damn!"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all f@%$*ed up?"A first grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Sarah, "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked
cookie."
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."Mother: "How's your history paper coming?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.
Mother: "Really?"
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"The following is an exact transcription of a letter John Mongan received from MIT, and the reply that he sent them. Unfortunately, they chose to discontinue their correspondence at that point. I have heard, however, that their recruitment letter has been revised and is far less snotty than it once was.
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and
cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here is tough and demanding, but it's also fun. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so
everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most
universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so
selective that he will choose only one of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility
for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to
limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals
in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent and over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny
and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as
Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
John never got a reply.T'was the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would get their brains thinking.
In my own apartment, I had been pacing, Dreading all those exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy, My eyes went a'blur, I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I'd pretty much concluded Life is unfair and cruel, Since our futures all depend On grades made in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, She looked at the mess And started to bellow: "Why should us students Make such a fuss, About what those teachers Toss out to us?" "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!" Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. "Your teachers won't flunk you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test."TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.
Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the . . . bug is close.
It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
No news is . . . impossible.
A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
You can't teach an old dog . . . math.
If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust . . . me.
The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.
Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.
A penny saved is . . . not much.
Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.
None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.
There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!University: ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the
following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School
______Graduate School
______Dental School
______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.
__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
____Males
____Jews
____Blacks
____Females
____Catholics
____Whites
____Protestants
____Moslems
____Minorities
____Chicanos
____People
____Students
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
____mono
____broken baby finger
____acute alcoholism
____pregnancy
____VD
____fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
____too detailed to pick out important points
____not explained in sufficient detail
____too boring
____all jokes and not enough material
____all of the above
__17. This course was:
____too early, I was not awake.
____at lunchtime, I was hungry
____too late, I was tired
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
__19. Other__________________________________"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)Headline:
"Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation"Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering
Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on
final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"
In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam
paper contained the question:
"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
similar. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With
the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass
of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan
during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"Q: Why do teachers make the best lovers?
A: Because they make you do it over and over until you get it right...1. I be God. Don' be dissing me. 2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that. 4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither. 6. Don' ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don' be liftin no goods. 9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney."
The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
There was this little black kid in the 2nd grade and on the first day of school they were doing math. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied,"I didn't like it mama we did math today, and I didn't do good. Every one was smarter than me mama. Why is that mama?" His mom then replied, "That's because you're black son." The next day he went back to school they were doing spelling. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied,"I didn't like it mama we did math today, and I didn't do good. Every one was smarter than me mama. Why is that mama?" His mom then replied, "That's because you're black son." The next day at school they had gym and he could run faster, jump higher, and when they went to the restrooms and he had a bigger dick than every one else. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied, "I had so much fun mama, we had gym today and I could run faster, jump higher and when I went to the bathroom my dick was longer than everyones. Is that because I'm black mama?" His mom replied, "No son that's because you're 18.
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
---Homer SimpsonThe not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Ummm... So far so good ...maybe.........
But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containersLittle Johnny's Earth Science was discussing his grade with him.
The teacher said, "Your occupation as an adult should be an oceanographer."
Johnny asked surprised, "Why is that?"
The teacher replied, "Because your grade in this class is below C-level."TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher. Snakes don't have feet.Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "I want you to use the word contagious in a sentence. Does anyone have a sentence ?"
Little Johnny waves his hand madly, but the teacher chooses little Mary.
Little Mary says "My mommy wouldn't let me go to school when I was sick because she said I was contagious"
The teacher smiles and says "Well done Mary. Anyone else ?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, and the teacher finally calls on him.
Little Johhny says "I was driving past a construction site with my dad the other day, and there was a bloke trying to move 10 tonne of soil by himself. Thats when my dad said it was going to take that contagious"Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't you?"
Kid: "Not at all."Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!Some times, things get lost in the translation . . .
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any
questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?""It's important to pay close attention in school. For years I thought that bears masturbated all winter."
---Damon R. MilhemA female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:
Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children
on this adventure holiday?"
Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to
be teaching children?"
Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range
discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one,
are you?"A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead."A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know . . . math always was a little hard to swallow."The longest word you can spell without repeating a letter: uncopyrightable.
The longest word with just one vowel: strengths
The only English word with a triple letter: goddessship
The word with the longest definition in most dictionaries: set
The shortest -ology (study of) word: oology (the study of eggs.)
Of is the only word in which an "f" is pronounced like a "v".A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
"Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote:
"If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.A teacher of a language class calls upon three of her students (all boys) and tells them to make a sentence out using the two words liver and cheese.
The first boy says, "I do not like liver and cheese."
The teacher tells him his sentence was boring and to please sit down.
The second boy goes up and replies, "I DON'T
like liver and cheese!"
The teacher tells him to sit down as well.
The third boy being hispanic goes up and tells the teacher I have one you will like and he replies, (with a spanish accent)," Liver alone, cheese mine!"Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he
began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door.
After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya want?"
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning."Given her recent notoriety, the university where Monica Lewinsky went to has just decided that they were going to endow a chair of political science in her honor.
On second thought, they decided a sofa would be more appropriate.
- written by Bob CastroWhen Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school. Her dad told her to go sit down and tell him
all about it. She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Education Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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