How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVEA woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she
says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.Q: What do men and parking spaces have in common?
A: All the good ones are taken, and the available ones are all handicapped.Continuing Education Courses for Women
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
Introduction to Parking.
Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
Water retention: Fact or Fat.
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
Ballet: For Women Only.
Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.
TV Remotes: For Men Only.Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:
- A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
- When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
- A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
- A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
- A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
- You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
- A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
- A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
- You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
- Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.
- A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All they are concerned with are legs, breasts and thighs.THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.Q: Why are people like a box of chocolates?
A: Some have nuts and some don't!Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in. Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar. The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well, while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband, honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?" and he replied, "fuck the mailman, give him a dollar!"
Reasons why it's great to be a guy
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Monday Night Football.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
- A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
- Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
- When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
- You never have to clean the toilet.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
- The National College Cheerleading Championship
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
- Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
- You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
- You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
- You get to jump up and slap stuff.
- One mood, all the time.
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
- You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
- Same work....more pay.
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
- You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
- You don't mooch off others' desserts.
- The remote is yours and yours alone.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- ESPN's sports center.
- You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
- You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
- You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
- Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
- If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
- Baywatch
- There is always a game on somewhere.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya
those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your WifeFrank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"You've all heard that behind every great man is a woman, but you may not have heard that behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass.
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."Define Transvestite.
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."Q: What is the difference between yogurt and men?
A: Yogurt has an active cultureA woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband was 300% impotent.
The doctor replied, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She answered, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN (Long version: sorry there is no short
version with women)
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning
because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 28 degrees.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Turn on the hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah
and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
10. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Scream loudly when your boyfriend / husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
18. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
19. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
20. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with nails / tweezers if found.
21. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for awhile and then says, " You look ridiculous! What on Earth do you think you are doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old!"
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year old ass?"
She says, "Your name never came up!"If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.What a man should do to keep his wife happy:
1. Make her dinner.
2. Take her out.
3. Send her chocolate and roses for no reason.
4. Tell her how much he loves her.
5. Help around the house.
6. Spend money for no reason except that he loves her.
What a Woman should do to keep him happy:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.Reason's why it's great to be a woman
- Free drinks.
- Free dinners.
- Free movies.
- Speeding ticket? What's that?
- New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
- If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
- If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
- You can sleep your way to the top.
- You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
- It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
- No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
- Brad Pitt.
- No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
- Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
- If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
- If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
- You have the ability to dress yourself.
- If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
- You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
- You can quickly end any fight by crying.
- Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
- There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
- You've never had a goatee.
- You'll never regret piercing your ears.
- You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
- You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
- You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
- Free drinks.
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's' room door, it was "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!"A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.
He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?"
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"1. A helicopter will kill you quickly . . . a woman takes her time.
2. Helicopters can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3. A helicopter does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
4. A helicopter does not object to a preflight inspection.
5. Helicopters come with manuals.
6. Helicopters have strict weight and balance limits.
7. You can fly a helicopter any time of the month.
8. Helicopters don't come with in-laws.
9. Helicopters don't whine unless something is really wrong.
10. Helicopters don't care about how many other helicopters you have flown.
11. When flying, you and your helicopter both arrive at the same time.
12. Helicopters don't mind if you look at other helicopters, or if you buy helicopter magazines.
13. It's OK to use tie-downs on your helicopter.IF MEN AND WOMEN SWAPPED GENITALS!!
Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America
9. Learn to stare with that "I'm undressing you" look.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Get a blow job.Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.I finished the Oreo's.
Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
Get your *own* ice cream.
Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
Got milk?
Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."- Visit the next joke about this topic!
- Visit the previous joke about this topic!
- Return to the gender jokes page
- Visit the next joke about this topic!
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Educated means: College dropout
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit means: Substance abuser
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous means: Caustic
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker means: Lush
Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel means: If you're paying
Loves Animals means: Cat lady
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Open-minded means: Desperate
Outgoing means: Loud
Passionate means: Loud
Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic
Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable means: Frumpy
Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out
Romantic means: Looks better by candle light
Self-employed means: Jobless
Smart means: Insipid
Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows
Spiritual means: Involved with a cult
Stable means: Boring
Tall, thin means: Anorexic
Tan means: Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged means: first husband to death
Writer means: Pompous
Young at heart means: How about the restAdvice From Men To Women
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to
handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."A skeleton comes to the doctor. Doctor : You are coming pretty late !
Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?
A: A cockpit!Let's say a guy named Rob is attracted to a woman named Carol. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Carol, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud, 'Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'
And then there is silence in the car.
To Carol, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself, "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
Rob is thinking, "Gosh. Six months."
Carol is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"
Meanwhile Rob is thinking, "So that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."
Carol looks at Rob and thinks, "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to
say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."
Rob is thinking, "I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still
not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600."
Watching Rob, Carol thinks, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."
Rob is still on his train of thought. "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs."
Carol wonders, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
Rob is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...."
'Rob,' Carol says aloud.
'What?' says Rob, startled.
'Please don't torture yourself like this,' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. 'Maybe I should never have...Oh God,I feel so....'
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
'What?' says Rob, thoroughly confused.
'I'm such a fool,' Carol sobs. 'I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'
'There's no horse?' says Rob, perplexed.
'You think I'm a fool, don't you?' asks Carol.
'No!' says Rob, glad to finally know the correct answer.
'It's just that... it's that I... I need some time,' Carol says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Rob, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
'Yes,' he says.
(Carol, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
'Oh, Rob, do you really feel that way?' she says.
'What way?' asks Rob.
'That way about time,' says Carol.
'Oh,' says Rob, 'Yeah, sure.'
(Carol turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
'Thank you, Rob.' she says.
'Thank you.' Rob replies, unsure what else to say.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Rob gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Rob's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Carol will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Rob, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Carol's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: 'Ross, did Carol ever own a horse?'How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE .A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
If a man yells in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
Q:Why do women do all the talking and men do all the thinking?
A:Men have two heads, and women have four lips.FROM MEN TO WOMEN
GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS:
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."On busy lunch time at the IGA in Franklin NH the express line was humming. A lady in the next checkout had forgotten to pick up an item and the cashiere asked the bagboy to get a box of Tampex. The bag boy headed gor the hardware asile and yelled back what kind do you want. The ones you push in with your thumb or the ones you drive in with a hammer. Needless to say the people near the register started laughing even the poor lady who ordered the was reeling with laughter. The now totally confused bagboy appeared with the two kinds of Thumbtacks again sent us into gales of laughter. When it was explkained to the boy he grew the brightest shade of red I had ever seen.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
-- Tim AllenTo a man, the meaning of success depends on his age:
At age 4, success is not peeing in his pants
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 50, success is about career and family
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in his pantsA man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Wimp!
5. Come on write the freaking ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
And the Number One Thing You Shouldn't Say to a Cop:
1. I'm surprised you stopped me, Robins Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"
A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!
Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!
What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!
Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!
What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!Women are like telephones ... They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're DISCONNECTED.
A man walks home and thinks about his wife. He decides to buy her some flowers. When he rings the bell, his wife opens the door. He holds up the flowers and says, "For you baby!"
She replies, "Oh yeah? You just want me to spread my legs!"
The man responds, "Don't you have a vase?"An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is
almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then
suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older
woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her
girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of
lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that
sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they
carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an
infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman - like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy
being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with
her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea
breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody
and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she
is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to
whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so...What's a man's idea of protected sex?
A padded headboard!The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president?s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account.
The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake.
He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What?s the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the balls."A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.Q. How can you tell which contestant in the Miss America contest is the prostitute?
A. She's the one wearing the banner:
I-da-ho.Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"
* He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
* Two calves that will never become cows...
* A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
* A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
* Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
* A chest that won't hold linen...
* Two tits that won't give milk...
* Two buns that won't feed anyone...
* A belly button that won't button...
* Two balls that won't roll...
* An ass that won't pull a plow...
* An organ that won't play music...
* A cock that won't crow...
.....And what are YOU laughing about?
You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What’s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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Q: How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass and a fish nobody can find.Q: why is a puppy better than a man?
A: because eventually the puppy stops whining"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.Men are like . . . Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like . . . Cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like . . . Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm and keep you up all night long.
Men are like . . . High Heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talksA boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"
The father answered immediately, "Son, I don't know. No man has lived that long yet."SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.
The following courses will be offered:
General Education:
GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby
IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
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Advice From Men To Women
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich.
Reasons computers must be male
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- The lights are on but nobody's home.
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
New Summer Seminars for Women
The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
Life Beyond Shoes
Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends
How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A WayWhat did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog...you do taste like chicken!
Pregnancy FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.Baby 1: I'm a boy. Baby 2: prove it. Baby 1: Not in front of the nurse. Baby 2: Okay The nurse leaves Baby 2: Prove it. Baby 1: Look, blue socks...
Did you hear about the woman whose ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once?
One cooking and the other cleaning.Q: What do rocks and women have in common?
A: You skip the flat ones!If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
9) He is not quiet; he is a
CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
8) He does not get lost all the time; he
DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
7) He is not balding; he is in
FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
5) He is not short; he is
ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a
VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from
REVERSE BULIMIA.
2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is
OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is
MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.Sam was trying to show his wife that women talk much more than men. To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study that showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as opposed to women, who use at least 3,000.
Gussie, his wife, pondered this for a little while and then thought of an
answer. "Women", she said, "must use twice as many words as men, because they have to repeat every thing they say."Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he wasgone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Age - Favorite Drink
17 Beer
25 Beer
35 Vodka
48 Double Vodka
66 Maalox
Age - Best Seduction Line
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
Age - Favorite Sport
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Napping
Age - Definition of a Successful Date
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy.
48 I didn't have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.
Age - Favorite Fantasy
17 Getting to third
25 Airplane Sex
35 Menage a Trois
48 Taking the Company Public
66 Swiss Maid / Nazi Love Slave
Age - House Pet
17 Roaches
25 Stoned-out College Roommate
35 Irish Setter
48 Children from his first marriage
66 Barbie
Age - What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
Age - Ideal Date
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 Split the check before we go back to my place.
35 Just come over.
48 Just come over and cook.
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.She drives a Red Sport Car.
She has a hyphenated last name.
She thinks Cooking and Fucking are two cities in China.A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."There are three ladies all sitting next to each other on a plane, a blonde, a red head and an african american.
All of a sudden the captain comes over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen . . . The plane is having problems and we are going to crash."
The blonde immediately starts to put on her make up.
The other ladies asked her why.
"Well, I heard that when the plane goes down the first thing they look for are the pretty ones."
So, after thinking about it, the redhead started to unbutton her shirt. The others asked her why.
"I heard that the first thing that they look for are women with big tits."
Finally the african american woman starts to take off her pants and underwear.
Shocked, the ladies asked her why.
"Ladies, just so you know . . . I always heard that the first thing they look for when the plane goes down is the black box!"Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Gender Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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