Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver."I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father."Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited."Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said."It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed."All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?""Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,
trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify
the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher
had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one
of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth
and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're *ssh*lesA woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.
A little girl was being selfish to her brothers. Her Dad sat her down and gave her a big lecture about being selfish. When he was done, the little girl said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish!
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to
see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-
D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly
having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom?
How do you spell 'zilla'?"Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.Three tomatoes were walking down the street, a mother, father, and son. The son was far behind so the father turned and smacked down and said KETCHUP!!!!!!!!!!!
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick
and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached
the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.
The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest replied, "What did you say?"
The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"
The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"
The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
A little boy went up to his grandfather and asked, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" When the grandfather asked why, the boy replied, "Because daddy said when you croak we're all going to Disneyland."
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?A: You can count on me.
What did the mama bear say to her cub?"Don't go out in your bear feet!"
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?Out for the count!
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta
For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?
“Lucas burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”Bruno came home from school crying in hysterics. Looking at the bruises all
over his face, it was apparent he got into some trouble.
"What happened to you?" his father says in a panicky manner.
"You remember the other day you told me 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones, but words will never harm me.'" "Of course," the father replies.
"Well," Bruno says, "you were right about the sticks and stones."There was a couple wanted to go out for dinner for their anniversary but they didn’t make it with the babysitter so they had nowhere to leave their little boy!After a lot of talk father came up with an idea!"We will put a vinyl at the pickup deck, something with kid-stories so our little boy will sleep at once and everything will be fine!""Ok," said the wife.So,that is what they did and went out sure for their plan.After about 2 hours, they arrived back home and listen noise and the boy screaming: "I waaaant,i waaaant,i waaaaant…"They run up to boy’s room and saw the little boy hitting the wall and screaming the same words:"I waaaant!"They wonder about what happened and then they listened to the pickup:"Do you want to listen my story? Do you want to listen my story? Do you want to listen my story?"
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Sam: Well, at least you could try.A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," answered the policeman.
"Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says,
"Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear
his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."
Johnny says, "You should wear your f**kin' trousers backwardsLittle Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to
collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale.
"No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to
convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her
nice baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny. "Why not?" "Because I ate her first!"What is the hardest part of making shoe fly pie? Putting the shoes on the flies!
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?Son: No.
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a
policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?A: We have to stick together.
fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.
Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School."Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt."When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites.""Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked."Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."
Three kids were smoking behind the shed."My dad can blow smoke through his nose!" boasted the first."Ha, mine can blow smoke through this ears!" countered the second boy."That’s nothing," piped up the third. "My dad can blow smoke through his arse. I know,‘cos I’ve seen the nicotine stains on his undies."
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they’d by bagelsThree men were talking about their teenage daughters:The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked".The second says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".Then the third speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis".
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.The next year things were different, however."The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly."How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?""Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began."ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ.""Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?"It's running down my leg."
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact
that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
the roll, she was told
by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be
none of that kind of
thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No,
really teacher, it IS
Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
my brother if you
don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and
directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
replied a little kid
from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"‘Is your baby a boy or a girl?’ ‘Of course. What else could it be?’
“I hear you’ve got a new baby sister,” said Jonathan to his friend William.
“Yeah.”
“Is she fun to play with?”
“Nah.”
“Well, why don’t you change her?”
“We can’t,” explained William, “we’ve had her for a week already.”The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead."I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together!
One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class
"What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?"
Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to
pick on him she chose little Mary.
"I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions
of love are."
"Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had
their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.
"I think your feet go up first."
Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"
Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my
dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? "Cause you're fatter than they are."
A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the park.
Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells sweets"What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Little Tim, a 5 year old called 911 and very softly said: "hello”. Officer Pam asked: are your parents there? Little Tim answered: "yes, their busy", the police, the fire department are here and they are busy”
Officer Pam said, so son your telling me that the police, fire department, and your parents are there and they are all busy?
Little Tim: "yes"
Officer Pam: What are they all doing
Little Tim: "Looking for me"There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work.She said, "Do not open the door for nobody". The boy said, "Okay."So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in."The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow”"So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it.Once again she said, "Let me in."The boy finally gave up and let her in.So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs."The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow."The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up.When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl."The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string.And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.He replies,"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."
Q. What did the penny say to the other penny?A. We make perfect cents. Q. Why did the birdie go to the hospital?A. To get a tweetment. Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?A. "Is that you mommy?" Q. What kind of button won't unbutton?A. A bellybutton! Q. What kind of ship never sinks? A. Friendship!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for itWhat do you call kids born in whorehouses?Brothel sprouts.
if a single teacher cant teach us all subjects,how is a student supposed to learn all the fucking subjects?
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs."I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...""I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...""I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her.
"What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?"
"Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing."
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little
sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she
said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you
reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.Three boys are walking home from school and they see a naked woman. One of them runs away the other two stay to watch.
The next day they are walking home from school and they see the naked woman again, and again the same boy runs away.
Another day later they are walking home and they see the naked woman again, as the boy tries to run away the other boys grab him and ask, "What are you gay or something don't you like looking at naked women?"
He replied, "Yeah, I love looking at naked women but my mom said that if I see one I'll turn into stone and I feel something starting to get hard."
Little Johnny's teacher asked him, "Johnny, give me a sentence using the
words, "bitter end" in it.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, "Our dog chased our cat
and he bitter end."One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. "I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver."No way! Get lost!" replied the boy."How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked."I said no way," replied the boy."What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver."No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy."Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered."No!" replied the boy."What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"
"Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today, and I missed on the very first word." "That's too bad Son." consoled the Father, "What was the word ?" "Posse."
What do we do with crude oil?Teach it some manners!
Deer Hunter.A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat."Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?""Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks."Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son."Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"
A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them.The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!"Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it.Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!"When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor.The mother ran over and stomped on it.The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?"
Kids, don't grow up... it's a trap!
It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the
mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line
dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas
lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for
christmas". "I bet
you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose
with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy
responds"Nope".
So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again
touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little
boy again said"Nope".
Well santa's starting to get a little p*ssed off. So he thinks to
himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I
bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching
the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of
the word. Where to the little responds"Nope".
Well at this time santa's really p*ssed off. So he says to the little
boy "Then what the f**k do you want for christmas"?
The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy,
P-U-S-S-Y; and don't f**king tell me that you can't give me any
because I can smell it on your finger"!This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up
with you." "Why??"
he asks. She says "because you are a pedophile".
He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10
year old."The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Submitted by rajat.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?""I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: "Dear Mom, While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
Bill was showing Joe the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Joe asked.
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Patty: Seven!Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Patty: Seven!Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?Patty: Six.Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Patty: Seven!Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?Patty: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little
boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me
to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I
had to force him, but he ate it!"A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.
His tears are streaming down his cheeks.
An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four
little kittens we had yesterday!"
"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your
father is a real bastard!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that
I could do it."A young girl was very much interested in the progress of her mother’s pregnancy. Finally the day of birth drew near and the girl overheard arrangements being made for her mother to go to the hospital. She looked at her mother with great puzzlement and said,
“Mom, I don’t understand. If they’re going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?”Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marksMarriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.
He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.
Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father impress by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar. “There you are my son,” said the father. “But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more? “She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown
had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted her daughter, "but three girls helped me
catch himA mother noticed her little dauther praying."Please, God," the little girl kept saying."Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.""Why did you make such as strange request?" the mother asked."Beacause that's what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!"
The three friends were walking home from school. “What shall we do this afternoon?” said one. “I know,” said the second, let’s spin a coin. If it comes down heads let’s go skating, and if it comes down tails let’s go swimming.” “And if it comes down on its edge,” said the third, “let’s stay in and do our homework!”
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?” he asked.
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
A little Henry sits at the dinner table, reaches into his plate, picks up a chicken leg, and starts to eat. His mother says, "Henry did you wash your hands?" Henry replies, "No! I don’t want my chicken to taste like soap mom!
The teacher was standing outside her room as the children entered one morning. Along came little Billy, deliberately winking his left eye."Why, Billy," smiled the teacher. "Are you winking at me?" "No ma'am, just got my turn signal on," little Billy replied, making a neat left turn into his room.
A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. "Well, Skip," said the scout, "Dad had only one bottle of beer left, so I let my baby brother have it."
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney."Only to mow my lawn."
A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have.She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.”The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.”She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.”The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments.As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way.Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him.“Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for?Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain.“I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.”
Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to...? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M: 6: Luke's dad?
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know
how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his
underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says,
"You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"
"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.
Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."
"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.
Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.
Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"
Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."
He was such a big baby that the doctor was afraid to slap him.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "I don't know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one and Daddy totally freaked out and Mommy fainted"
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the
Mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much
about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If
he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."A family was having some people to dinner.At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?""I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly."Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
None, they were all copycats!Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That’s not fair!Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
Square meals!Submitted by Rohit.
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher
asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the
Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have
done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be
the Bull".Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
Dad ask my Mom, why wont you let the boy wear his hat, coat and gloves to go out and build a snowman with the other kids?
Mom - I don't want him to stay out long enough to catch cold!Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. "I am 4 years old". "And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver. “When I get off the bus" answers Johnny.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?Breath!!!!
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Father: Which one do you love more , me or Mommy?Son: I love you both.Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?Son: Japan.Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me?Son: No, I just want to visit Japan.Father: Very well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?Son: France.Father: See?Son: No its just because I have already visited Japan.
There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head"
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?""I’m in love," the boy replied.Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?""With you," he said."But George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.""Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I’ll use a rubber."
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”
Submitted by Rohit.
Q: What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken?A: Egg-splosion
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight
with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed byand the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix." The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you,little girl?" "I'm eight, sir." "Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?" "Since I was raped, sir, when I was four." "RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?" "I don't remember, I was drunk."
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
A mother found out she was pregnant and told the good news to anyone who would listen. One day when mother and son were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. ‘Yes!’ the four-year-old said. ‘And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!'
The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?""None," answered little Norman."None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic.""Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer?(They use bear conditioning!)
Our baby looks just like me. But that’s OK, as long as he’s healthy.
Q. Why are pancakes like a baseball game?
A. Because they depend on the batter.Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan.
She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"
He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"
Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan."
The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"
Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, “Let’s play doctor.”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You operate, and I’ll sue.”A little boy opened the big and old family Bible. With fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I
think it's Adam's suit!!!!!"Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from
school.
Danny says "I won't be going to school tomorrow."
"Why not?" asks Joey.
"I have to go to the hospital," says Danny woefully.
"That's awful," says Joey. "Why do you have to go there? Are you
sick?"
Danny shakes his head and replies, "I have to have a circumcision."
Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across
his face, "That's Horrible!" he cries, "Why, I had that done when I was
born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!"A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they
experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring
at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to
know what your name is," then she walked over to the next
child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is
David."A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.
Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that
you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the
other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."Entering first grade, I was ask by the teacher if I had learned my ABCs and could I count to 100? I answered yes I had, now can I be a Pharmacist?
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."''Why?' asked the head nurse. "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard."Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?""That's easy," she replied. "I just buy something else and then look at the time printed on the sales receipt."
"Say, how old are you anyway ?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at
once and get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet
smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor."Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?""Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Knock Knock!Who's there?JustinJustin who?Justin time for dinner!
One kid asks the other
Q:"How old is your grandfather?"
A:"I don't know but we've had him for a long time."How do you catch a squirrel that likes hazel nuts?
Climb a tree, act like a nut but whisper, "Oh, Filbert."A third grader that got into trouble from time to time was in the principal’s office for a quiet talking to. “And Peter,” asked the principal, “how do yu like your teacher? Do you get along all right?’
“Oh, yes sir,” replied Peter. “ I think she’s the cream of the coop.”Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a
city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's
that, Miss?"
Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your
Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."
Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that
ain't a f**king pig!"“But why can’t I talk inside the library?” Sandy asked her mother. “Because you have to be quiet. Noise is a distraction. The people around you can’t read.”
“Can’t read? Then why are they at the library?”My cute little Granddaughter asks me, "Grandpa can I have $10 please?"
I said, "Well sure hun what's it for?"
She says, "Well you old tightwad every time I ask for a twenty spot you say No!!!"Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recentlydivorced mother her age? She told him that was not a questionto ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that shewouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should askand to not ask that question again. He went away.A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She askedwhat he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly toldher he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at herdriver's license.He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddydivorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."
A mother and her son are sitting on an airplane, which is ready to take off. The son admires the parked plains’ through the window. At one point, he turns to his mother, which was reading a magazine, and pops the question: "Since big dogs have little dogs, and big cats have little cats, how come, big airplanes have little plains?"The child’s mother, bored to think of a reasonable answer, consultant him to ask the flight attendant. Therefore, it happened: "Since big dogs have little dogs, and big cats have little cats, how come, big airplanes have little plains?" little boy asks the flight attendant. Then, with a smile on her face, stewardess replied: "Did your mom told you to ask me?"The boy shook his head positively. So, she says back: "Tell your mother, that our company knows better and.. pulls out in time!"
The teacher:. Why don't skeletons fight each other?The little boy: it is because They don't have the guts.
A mother and her child were at a wedding.A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
Why is it nice being a baby? It’s a nappy time.
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Willyou please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?""Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that whenyou croak we get to go to Disney World!"
I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for
parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he
said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."Why did the tomato turn red?Because he saw the salad dressing.
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
One day a boy came home running while crying.His mother asked what happened why are you crying?
The boy said`I got punished for something I did not do’.
His mother said ‘That’s horrible.what did you not do’.
The boy in tears said`my homework’Submitted by kakashi.
Bert and Ernie are walking down sesame street and Bert asks Ernie,
"Hey Ernie, you want to get some ice cream?"
What did Ernie say?
"Sure Bert"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
A son comes to his dad and says:
- Dad, i gotta tell you something
- Ok, Quick and clear!
- 100 bucksAn old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out that there was no electricity.Then the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath."Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
The church was celebrating Communion. During the "children's sermon", the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about."The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a 'joyful feast'. What does that mean? Well, 'joyful' means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a 'joyful feast' is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?"A little boy put up his hand and said, "Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?"
One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she draws
a penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.In the back of
the room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has two
of them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"Dirty
Johnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sitters
teeth."A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
"Mommy! Do Angels fly?""Yes, they do my love!""Then, when will our nanny fly? Dad calls her 'My Angel' all the time!""Tomorrow, my child, she'll fly as far as she goes..."
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat."I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says.The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants."Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says.She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast."I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear, for that matter.So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very smallboy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him toreach.After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer tothe boys position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives thedoorbell a sold ring.Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently andasks, "And now what, my little man?"To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
There was a father who called his 5 small children together.As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.He asked them "who is the most obedient?"Five sets of eyes looked up at him.Sensing that they didn’t understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.
"Dad, Can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?""Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast."Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."(WHACK...she spanks him)He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?""I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops."
The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”
Submitted by James.
What is a bunny's favorite music?Hip-hop.
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."
A young child passenger turned to his mother in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Harry came home from Sunday school and asked his mother, “Do people really come from dust?” “In a way said,” said his mother. “And do they go back to dust?” “Yes, in a way.” She replied. “Well, mother, I looked under my bed, and somebody’s either coming or going.”
Should women have children after 35? "No, 35 children are enough!"
The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come
from?" Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time
she replies, "From the stork of course!" The little guy thinks for a few
seconds and then asks, "But mom, who f**ks the stork?"Doug had just formed his own rock band, and his little brother said one day,
“Doug, I wish you and your band could be on TV!”
“You think we’re good, eh?”
“Then I could turn you off!”Three young boys were boasting about their grandpas. The first boy said: "My grandpa is a great swimmer. He can swim for hours before getting out of the water!" The second boy said, "That's nothing. My grandpa always goes swimming at 6:00 in the morning every day, and only comes back at 9:00 pm because my mom says he has to!" The third boy says, "Your grandpas are both bad at swimming! My grandpa started swimming in this pond 20 years ago, and he hasn't come out since!!!"
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?""A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?
I’m the wiener!A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider."Q. What is pink and fluffy?
A. Pink Fluff
Q. Whats purple and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath.
A man selling carpet called a home and a little boy with a whisper answered the phone the man introduced himself to the child and asked if he could speak to his father the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy exclaimed, " He’s busy" so the man asked to speak with his mother, the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy said, “She's busy” so the man asked if there were any other grown ups in the house. The little boy said, “ yes a policeman and a fireman” the man asked to speak to the policeman the little boy said, “no” He’s busy so the man asked to speak to the fireman and the little boy said, “no” He’s busy so the man puzzled said, there are four grownups in your house and they are all busy, do you mind if I ask what are they doing? The little boy still in a whisper says " yah they are looking for me"Mom says to her daughter: " Jennie you have your boot on the wrong foot!
Little Jennie replies, "Mommy, I didn't know I had a wrong foot".One day at school, little Max was talking to his best friend David.
"David, have you heard the joke about the dustbin lorry?"
"No I haven’t," replied David.
"Don't worry," said Max, "it's only a load of rubbish."One day a curious little girl started asking her mommy questions about the origin of her little brother. She just kept asking questions and her mommy believed she should have an answer to ANY question she asked. One question led to another and eventually the mommy had to describe to the little girl EXACTLY how the sperm got to the egg....
The little girl got a disgusted look on her face and shouted, "EEEEWWWW!!! and you and daddy had to do it TWICE!!!!"Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his
friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd."
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
What color is a burp?It's burple!
A school bus driver stopped the vehicle to take little George out.The kid opened the door and saw his grandmother reaching her hands to grab him.The driver though, to make sure that that person is really a family member, asks the kid."Is this really your grandmother?""Yes. She visits every Christmas!""Very good! And when she stays at he rest of the year?" the driver insists."At the airport!," says the kid and continues, "Whenever we feel like, we go there and we take her home..."
Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls
down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes
running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother
"Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better."
"Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday."
His mother says.A busy mother and her two small children, Jack and Sally, were on a train ride to the city. Halfway through the trip, Jack asked his mother, “What was the name of the last station where this train stopped?” The mother replied, “I don’t remember. “Why?” “Well,” little Jack answered, “because that’s where Sally got off.”
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on,
standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks
"What's that mum ? " His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally
she came up with the following, "That's where your dad accidentially hit
me with an axe!" and little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the CUNT!"A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that.You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that."Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"
When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."
Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at therubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goesinto the back and brings out another pack. "Nah," says Johnny, "what elsedo you have?" "Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that Ihave are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know whatthese will do to a woman?" Little Johnny says, "No... but they'll make agoat jump about two feet off of the ground!"
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."Teacher: "Lean, how old were you on your very last birthday?"
Lean: "Seven."
Teacher: "Then how old will you be on your next birthday?"
Lean: "Nine."
Teacher: "That's impossible!"
Lean: "No, teacher, I'm 8 today!"The left eye said to the right eye:
"Something has come between us and it smells."TEACHER: Alice, go to the map and find Australia
ALiCE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Now, class, who found Australia?
CLASS: Alice!A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one
knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking
up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".
Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. Suzie asked, "You wanna play doctor?" Johnny replied, "NO, that too old fashioned.Spit out you gum, I wanna play president."
My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as
Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone
was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into
the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE! !!!!!!!!!A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
A father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?""Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad."How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
"I don't think my mom knows much about children."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake
and gets me up when I am sleepy."A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."
One day two little boys were arguing about religion. The one boy said Protestants are better than Catholics. The other boy said Catholics were better than Protestants. The one Protestant boy said, "Oh Yeah. I bet you don't even know the lord's middle name". The Catholic boy says, "The Lord doesn't have a middle name". "Oh yes he does" said the Protestant boy. The Catholic says, "Ok what is it"? The little Protestant boy says, "That's easy". Haven't you ever said the Lord's Prayer where it says, "Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little
boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms
really *really* hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like
mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and
said, "What the hell happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe
everything someone tells him."A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him."I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!""Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
Little Sue was standing in front of her mirror with her eyes closed.
“Why are you standing there with your eyes closed?” asked her sister.
“So I can see what I look like when I’m asleep,” she replied.John: How old are you?Peter: Hmmm..I'm 7John: You know what, when I was your age, I was also 7.
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?A: Hello, hello.
During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon."One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?"A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.
How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a home cooked meal!"
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!The mother of a small child was concerned about her daughter’s selfish behavior and gave her something of a lecture, stressing that we are put in this world to help others.
Her daughter seemed much impressed and sat silently, thinking and scratching her head.
At last she looked up and said, “Mommy?”
“Yes, dear?” replied her mother.
“What I want to know is, what are the others for?”What did the Beaver say to the tree?
Nice Gnawin ya!Q. What do you call a person who goes on talking when nobody listens?
A. A teacher!A math teacher asks a pupil, what are 3, 5, 7 and 11? The pupil thinks for a moment and then replies, "On 3 there is cartoon network, on 5 we have cartoon network, on 7 dad checks out news-bulletin and the channel that comes by pressing 11 on the remote is FTV, which my brother watches late at night."
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Vikas was singing in the bath and I could not understand the words so I asked him, "What are you singing?"
He replied, "Dad isn't very good at this song so I am singing it in fast forward "A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."The teacher said to her class, "Does anyone know what is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?"
Little Sarah put up her hand and said, "It’s a blackboard, miss."Willy runs in and tells his mother you’d better come out. I’ve just knocked over the ladder at the side of the house. His mother says, go and tell your father, I’m busy.
Willy says, Mom he already knows, he’s hanging from the roof.Explaining the population explosion of the world a teacher was elaborating
"Suppose all world population are walking and jumping off the globe.
The line will still be endless"
A student appeared confused and the teacher clarified " You see as and when a person jumps off another will be born and the line will continue for ever"
Still the young student wore the bewildered look "What is the doubt" the teacher asked. You said, "You said, they were all walking, teacher"A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a
drawing he was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother
finally looked over his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked "Who's
that you're drawing, son?"
The son answered, "God."
"Don't be silly," reproved the mother. "Nobody knows what God
looks like."
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly,
"They will when I'm finished!"After watching the grades of his child, the angry father said, "After seeing your grades, I feel like teaching a lesson or two and want to give a tight slap." The child excitedly says, "Yes dad, lets go, I know the addresses of all my teachers, we must teach them a lesson."
Little Johnny says to his mother " Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."
The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to take you?".
Little Johnny says " No let grandma . . . her hand shakes! "Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?A. Cell phones.
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of
balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the
check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.
"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo
equipment!"Q. How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn?A. You molest them!.
“Now, Joseph,” said the teacher to the aggressive youngster, “what do you think your classmates would think of you if you were always kind and polite?”
“They’d think they could beat me up,” promptly responded Joseph.A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,
to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates
filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,
I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he
done now?" and said with trepidation,
"Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother."Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
A father buys his son 2 Goldfish, and once the father has given the boy the fish, he tells him he must call the goldfish 1 and 2. Puzzled, the boy asks his father why this is, well the father replies, if 1 dies, you still got 2!!!
What did the red light say to the green light?Don't look I'm changing!
His father sends a small boy to bed. Five
minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your
chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a milliondollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?""Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."
A father went to take his daughter from school. While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!""With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her."Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what
Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him
just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But
what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy
Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me
catch him."It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father."Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder."The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that’s a deep hole!"Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently… They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We’d better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!"So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened."Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?" one of the men asked. The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.The farmer said, "Well boys, I don’t think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
How did the Vikings send secret messages?By norse code!Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opneder?He had a bee in his suit of armour!Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden miss!Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?Because there were so many knights!
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a
drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to
spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"
Father: "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school."
Son: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."Knock Knock!Who's there? ZanyZany who?Zany body home?
What do attorneys use for birth control?Their personalities.
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife
made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was
ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to
say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to
the poisons."Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!Bert: Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: SherbertQ: What is a sheep's favorite sport?A: Baaasket baaall!
Two tomatoes are trying to pass the street. Suddenly, the one screams to the other: "CAR!"(splash)"WHERE?"(splash)
A farmer brought his daughter a little pot-belly pet pig.She called it "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty."Tell me," asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?""That’s easy," she replied, "Ballpoint is just his pen name."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Mom saw the opportunity for a moral lesson and said; "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait. "Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can have the first chance at being Jesus!"Son: Dad You Are My Hero.
Dad: Really!
Son: Yes.
Son: Can You Give Me An Autograph With Your Eyes Closed?
Dad: Well, Yes.
Son: Then Sign My Report Card With Your Eyes Closed.A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that.""You're right," she said."I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!""That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
The Wisdom of Youth Never give up because life gets harder
as you get older.
After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or
four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at
least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work.
I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other
day. Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they
like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I
asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But
the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age
14
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they
are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are
just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how
to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a
motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Many
dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to
be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you
don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to
let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires
burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against
brother.Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?Kids: Meat!Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?Kids: Bacon!Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?Kid: Homework!
A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.
The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".Eight-year-old Daniel heard his grandmother tell his mother that a football was needed for the family dinner Sunday night. Daniel couldn't imagine why, but if he could help grandma prepare the meal, he would. But he didn't have a football, so he went over to Greg's house and traded 50 baseball cards for an old deflated football. He pumped it up, shined it and placed it on the kitchen table waiting for grandma to discover it.
''Daniel!'' his mother exclaimed, ''You know Grandma is cooking tonight. Please put your things where they belong!''
Daniel was holding back the tears, ''But it's for Grandma! She said she needed a football for dinner.''
Mother did her best to hold back the laughter, ''You know Grandma and her Irish accent. She meant a FRUIT BOWL!''Trying to be a good father, Jack took his son Tommy to the movies. He drove uptown to the Hoyts Theater, and there they watched an exceptionally long movie.
Afterwards, as they were heading to the car, the father asked his son, "Did you like the movie, Tommy?"
"Yeah, Dad, but I think I know why they call it Hoyts Theater."
Puzzled by this comment, the father asked, "Why?"
And the little boy replied, "Because it Hoyts when you get up!"A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I'm having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is." Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked... "Then why did you eat him?"
What fits your schedule better......Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?
He was so ugly when he was born they didn’t know whether to buy a cot or a cage.
Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded."No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."
Did you hear about the baby who swallowed a pin? It was OK. It was a safety pin.
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.
Mum, what are you cooking??
It’s bean soup!
I don't care what it has been; I just want to know what it is now!!One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a
Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"Father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy.The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?"And the father answers truthfully:"These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh.. i see! the boy answers. They shown them to us at school, in the sex education class."Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have only 3 in it dad?""This, son is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside."What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?""This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?"His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February…"
A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A
large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,
"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with
the brown nose."It was at an amusement park on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 2 kids."Who’s enjoying the most?" I asked cheerfully."I am" said one."I am" said the second."No," the father said "their mother is!"
Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, “Billy, do not walk into class late again." The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, “Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late." Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk in class late.
A little boy took the chair at the barbershop. “How would you like your hair cut today, son?” asked the barber. “Oh, do it like you do Daddy’s, with the big hole at the back.”
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person."Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" ‘Well honey...' said the slightly prudish parent, "An Angel brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the angel brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the angel brought them too!" said the parent. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds
and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech.
At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me
with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups
don't really f**k, I'll have nothing left to live for."A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.
‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’
Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come
from?" Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time
she replies, "From the stork of course!" The little guy thinks for a few
seconds and then asks, "But mom, who f**ks the stork?"At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child; do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?
The child said, “No ma'am, my moms a good cook!”A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
be confronted by his
teacher.
Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't f**k around at these crematoriums you
know.
The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.” “I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”
“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells
her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
rapturous applause...
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?A: Booger King!!!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?A. "Is that you mommy?"
A kindergarten teacher asked: “What is the shape of the earth?”
After a pause a little girl spoke up: “According to my Daddy…terrible!”A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year.
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider."A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was
good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She
said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I
was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there
was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only fasten 8."The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny
answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says,
"little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the
carpet and says, "what do you think?"A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the
youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What
is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "Me."A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!” The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.” His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
Submitted by rajat.
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.”“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.“Oh, he died,” the boy said.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”“Oh, what was it then?”“I think it was the spin cycle.”
Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”
Dear Son,
Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.
There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.
They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.
Take care of yourself son.
Your MawA three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.“Yes, it is.” – she says.“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
*Me when I turn 18* Parents: Do this.Me: Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf.
They said the baby looked like me. Until they turned him the right way up.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
Three small kids were bragging about how tough they were. “I’m so tough”, said the first little boy, “that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week.” The second little boy said, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day.” “That’s nothing”, said the third child. “When my parents take me to see my Grandma and Grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour."
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."A boy is assigned homework to have his parents read him a bedtime story. Upon reaching home, his father reads him a variation of the "Three Little Pigs." The story covered everything from the threat of the wolf, to the new addition of the pigs buying their materials, to the pigs defeating the wolf. In class the next day, the teacher asked the boy what the man selling sticks thought when the pig came to his door. The boy promptly answered, "Holy cow, a talking pig!"
3-year-old: What's a swear word?Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.3:Me:3: Is my middle name a swear word?
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.""Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!""Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Jimmy's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Jimmy." Jimmy says, "Now!I can see why they threw him out!
Teacher: What does your father do for a living?
Student: He is a magician.
Teacher: what is his favorite event.
Student: He cuts people in two.
Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....Why did the student study in an airplane? He wanted a higher education!
At a wedding, there was a child that walked down the aisle. Every two steps he stopped, put his hands up in the air like claws, and gave a little roar. So it kept going. Step Step Roar, Step Step Roar. When he finally got to the altar the guests were in tears laughing. When asked why he was doing this he said, “I was the ring bear!"
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following
sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see. Fun
period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!"A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition."The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?""Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too""Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery""Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week""Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day""Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.""I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve""Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
A little boy was pushing a heavy cart uphill with a lot of effort. The work was very tiring, so someone walking nearby felt pity and helped the little boy push the heavy cart until the end of the hill. He stopped indignant there and told to the child:"You should say to your boss that it is a shame to make a kid such hard work to do.""I told them, sir.""Well, what did they reply?""Pull kid and some sucker will be there to help you."
Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."A first grade teacher was looking at her students as they were trying out their desk computers. One boy was staring at the screen, looking dumbstruck and confused. The teacher came and read what was on the screen and in her most reassuring voice said, “The computer wants to know what your name is."
The boy then leaned over and whispered, “My name is David."What is height of Laziness?Adopting a child.
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a
minister when I grow up.
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you
decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than
to sit still and listen.One day Pepito was having a shower with his father when he saw his fathers panis.
He asked his father what it was and his father replied "this is my racing car".
The next night Pepito heard moaning in his parents room, being curious he peeped in to see what was happening.
He then saw his father on top of his mother, while looking his father saw him and told him to go to his room. "OK, but I'm not sure you're driving that racing car properly" replied Pepito.
A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The father replied, “Well, son, they’re making a puppy.”The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, “Well, son, we are making you a little brother.”The little boy replied ,”Please turn Mom over, Dad, I’d rather have a puppy!”
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what!
We learned how to make babies today”
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said. “How do you make babies?”
It’s simple, replied the girl. “You just change y to i and add es.”Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that
"Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between
boys and girls,"
and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny
about this."
So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom,and closes the door.
- first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- ok, now take off my skirt...
And he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra.
Which he does.
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
What kind of rocks do young geologists play with? Marbles.
My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.
When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
One day Pepito was having a shower with his father when he saw his fathers panis.He asked his father what it was and his father replied "this is my racing car".The next night Pepito heard moaning in his parents room, being curious he peeped in to see what was happening.He then saw his father on top of his mother, while looking his father saw him and told him to go to his room."OK, but I'm not sure you're driving that racing car properly" replied Pepito.
A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders.
"Where is God?"
The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.
"Okay, Mary, Where is God?"
"He is everywhere,"
"Very good that’s right."
But still there were two children that didn’t put their hands down,
so the teacher continued.
"Okay, Michael, Where is God?"
"God is inside me."
"Very good that’s right."
Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand.
He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.
"Okay, Danny, Where is God?"
"He’s in our bathroom."
Well the teacher just had to ask, "How do you know he’s in the bathroom?"
The answer came, "Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says,
‘My God are you still in there?’ "Q: Why did the goose cross the road?
A: Because the chicken was on vacationLittle Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” A little voice from the back of the room asked.
“How will that help?”Q: What should you do if you are imagining that you are in a jungle and that a lion is chasing you?
A: Stop ImaginingA boy always asks for 50 cents from his mother. So his mother questioned the boy on why he kept asking for 50 cents. The boy replied that his friend told him that if you eat 50 cents worth of peanuts a day you would become smarter. Quickly his mother gave him $5. The boy asks “Why $5”, and the mother replied, “Buy 50 cents of peanut for yourself and buy peanuts for your father with the balance.”
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her."I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
It was August and little Hannah was on holiday with her parents. One day, her dad says to her, "Did you know that they don’t allow elephants on this beach?"
"Why, dad?"
"Because they can't keep their trunks up."If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right," the boy said, but how did you know "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The minister spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
A young man was paying an over-night visit to an out-of-town boyhood friend and his wife and young son. When it came time to retire, the young man was told he could sleep in the same bed as his son. After putting on his pajamas and entering the young son's room, he noticed the lad was stooped on the side of the bed with his head bowed. The young man proceeded to do the same thing on his side of the bed, thinking the lad was praying.
"What are you doing?” said the lad.
"The same thing you are", answered the young man.
"Oh, boy"! Said the young lad. "Mommy’s going to' be real mad at you, because the potty is on this side of the bed!"Me: I don't scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: *never stops screaming*
Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee.She tasted what was the worst cup of coffee in her life, but because it had been made with love, she did not let on.When she finally finished her coffee she noticed that there were three of those little green army men in the cup.She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
Teacher: What's 2 and 2?Pupil: 4Teacher: That's good.Pupil: Good? That's perfect!
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed
little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”
A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they
experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring
at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen.
In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to
know what your name is," then she walked over to the next
child.
The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is
David."Teacher: Who succeeded the first President of the USA?Class: The second one!
Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first
Kid: Ok,
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z
Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident.""Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town;"Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father."How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"
Two children are in a doctor’s waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child."I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger."When he heard this, the other child started to cry."Why are you crying?""I’m here for a urine test."
What has ten letters and starts with gas? An automobile.
Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"A: "You can't tuna fish."
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go
out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his
wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't
stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the
infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that
he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine
the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid
the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full. "Here's the
problem", the Dr. says. "He needs a change." The father is very
perplexed, " But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!"A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left foot was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up with a puzzled look and said, "Mom, stop joking. I know they're my feet!"
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?""A doctor?""And why's that?""Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
Which one's Mommy?One day, little Suzie was strolling around the house and just happened to pass by her sister’s room.She heard her sister say on the phone to her boy friend.“Your such an as***!” and she hung up.Suzie asked what as*** had meant and her sister sayin“Uh… it means… uhh.. boyfriend!”.Suzie is delighted to hear a new nice word.Then,She was walking past the bathroom where her dad was shaving.Her dad had cut himself and yelled “SHIT!”Then turniing around saw little Suzie ask what shit means.Dad, being quite shocked answered“It uhh.. It.. It means shaving cream.”Then, Suzie walked downstairs to help her mom with the dinner turkey. Suzie’s dad’s boss was coming to dinner tonight.When Suzie went in the kitchen, her mom accidently cut herself yelled”F***k!”. Suzie asked what f***k meant and mom replied ” it..it..it uummm…it means cut… yeah, cut.” Just as mom said that, the doorbell rang and asked Suzie to go and get it.When Suzie opened the door, her dad’s boss was standing there.Boss asked” Well hello young lady! Can I ask where your family is?”Then Suzie said” Well, my sister’s upstairs talking to her as*** on the phone, my dad’s in the bathroom wiping the shit off his face and my mom’s in the kitchen f***g the turkey!”
A little girl walked proudly into a dry goods store to buy material for a dress for her doll.
When she came to the cash register she asked, “What does this cost?"
"For a sweet little girl like you," replied the man (feeling generous)"I'll charge only one little kiss."
"Thanks" replied the tot. "Grandma said whatever it is, to charge it and she'll be by tomorrow to pay for it."My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone."Hello," she whispered."Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked."She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper."Did she go to the doctor?" I asked."Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly."Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera."Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?""Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."
“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”
Q: Why do two skunks argue?A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
What is black and white and red all over?(A panda bear with a sunburn!)
“Jenny!” screamed her mother, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”
“I have to,” Jenny replied. “That’s where my canary is.”Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? ..................... To visit Pluto
A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist."Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests. " To the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".Little Johnny: I is...Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Asked the teacher.
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. He repliedLittle Moshe’s dad asks him one day, "Do you know what the hat said to the scarf?"
"No, daddy, I don’t," replies Moshe.
"You hang around while I go on ahead," says his dad."I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die.""Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy,
will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave
him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
saying, "The big sissy."A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.
In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.
The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".
The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".
And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".
This joke was submitted by:
Gilmary cruzA three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
"Steven," the teacher said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to school yesterday was that you were out playing football.""That's a rotten lie!" Steven protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl."Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl."No." replied the boy."I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl."And do you know who I am?" asked the boy."No," she replied."Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.
A teacher wanted his students to improve their spelling skills. So, he decided to have each of them come up to the front of the class and tell the class about their fathers’ profession or trade and to spell such profession or trade.
The teacher called up Johnny as the first student, and Johnny said, "My father is a baker, and you spell it B-A-K-E-R. If my father was here today, he would give everyone a cookie."
"Very well," the teacher said, and called Jim to the front. Jim said, "My father is a banker and you spell it: B-A-N-K-E-R. If he was here today, he would give everyone a quarter.
"Great," said the teacher and called Tim to the front. Tim said: "My father is an electrician, and you spell it: E –E- L -K… E- L- E-K…."
Tim was having a hard time spelling, so the teacher said, "Tim, why don’t you sit and think about the spelling for a few minutes. In the meantime, we’ll have Peter come up and tell us about his father."
Peter said, "My father is a bookie: B-O–O-K-I-E. And if my father was here today he would bet, 9 out of 10 that Tim would not spell ELECTRICIAN."Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
A mother and her young son returned home from the grocery store. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them is the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal."
Mother had just finished waxing the floors when she heard her young son opening the front door. She shouted, “Be careful on that floor, Jimmy; it’s just been waxed.”
Jimmy, walking right in, replied, “Don’t worry, Mom, I’m wearing my cleats.”A team of doctors attended the delivery of quintuplets who were able to walk immediately after the umbilical cords were cut. The senior doctor was asked to explain this unusual occurrence. ‘I guess they had a lot of practice,’ said the doctor. ‘What do you mean, “practice”?’ asked a junior colleague. ‘They were just born!’ The doctor replied, ‘Well, it was standing womb only.’
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?A: A bulldoser.
Q: In which room we cannot live?A: Mushroom.
3-year-old: *stares at the baby* What does it do? Me: Nothing yet. She's not here to entertain you. 3: Me: 3: Can we get one that is?
It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.
Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake?A: A jump rope!
There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote
forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says,
"Mister i'm scared and cold, please let me go",the child molester cries out,
"You think your scared I have to walk home alone!"One day Pebbles Flintstone got scared and hopped in bed with Wilma and Fred.
She looked under the covers on Wilma's side and asked what that was and Wilma said well Pebbles thas my rock.
After that Pebbles looked on Fred's side and asked what that thing was down there and Fred replied thats my rock grinder.
So Pebbles layed there for a few minutes then sat up and said so mommy puts her rock in daddy's rock grinder and out pops PEBBLES! ! ! !
Boy’s father come back from uk & was calling his wife.Boy:- papa mom has died.father slaped boy & said why u dont inform me when i was in AmericaBoy :- i thought i will give u a surprise.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.One day, two little friends were walking home from school and kid #1 said,” I have noticed, in the morning while looking out my window that your father goes to work earlier than my dad, yet they work together...why is that?" Then kid #2 not having a clear answer, replies "well, he goes early to swing on the gate!"
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"
Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullsh*tting about how
tough their fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick
that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass
in 10 years... so lick that!"One man asked a schoolboy, "How old is your father?"
The boy replied, "He is 8 years old."
Man: "What?"
Boy: "Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago."My son told his teacher the Indians could not possibly have served popcorn to the Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving because they didn't have microwave ovens.
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well
during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give
him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal
agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the
oral test.
First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I
only have two of?"
Johnny replies, "Legs."
So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I
don't have in my pants?"
"Pockets," Johnny replies.
Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
"Rome," is his answer.
With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks,
"Well, shall we pass him?"
"Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!"Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving."Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.
When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to thelittle boy in the second row, he said: "I'll give you ahint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth,and then it's in your tummy."The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down."
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Two men are chatting;"My son asked me: 'Daddy, where do children come from?'""It's not a big deal... Today kids are interested in that matter on the early years.""Yeah men, but the real issue here is that my son is... married... for five years!"
One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”.Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
After picking up my kindergartner today, I asked him. Steven were you good today? Yeah Mom. He replied. I said, are you sure? Yes mom, I'm sure.
Well I hope you didn't make your teacher cry today, did you? Still trying to pick it out of him. I said, now you know that Jesus see's you if you're bad or not. Then he looked over at me while getting distressed.
He said, Well let Jesus tell you if I was bad or not!!!A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."Responses:American: "Keep trying!"Briton: "Change Doctor!"Aussie: "Follow a special diet."Indian: "Practice yoga!"Pinoy: "Let me try!"
Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.
His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he
hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line
busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a
big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You
should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama."One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
finding his mother in the
kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door,
and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for
lunch, stripped naked,
on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to
traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Billy watches, and after a
couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son,
we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his
mother starts
moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is
where me and the
mailman usually falls off!"
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date."Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?""Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite.""OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?""Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?""Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play."My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend."Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?""I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?""And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce.""Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?""Because you got an F in sex.
My wife is so negative.I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album,
thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal’.The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan’. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ‘But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.’
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ...""Yes, son?" the father said expectantly."What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
When I was in second grade, my Grandma told me that she wrote a book. She said, “Look, I’m in print.” I said, “That’s great Grandma, but I’m in cursive.”
How did the sand get wet? The sea weed!
Little Susan was helping her mother to set the table, cause her father invited over his company managers. When everybody sat on the table, her mother noticed that a flatware set was missing."Susan, why didn’t you put flatware on Mr. Marc’s seat?""I thought that I didn’t have to, since dad told us that Mr. Marc, eats like a pig…"
At a poor-side of Athens, a kid were on the street and was playing. A cop who was crossing around that street, saw him and asked him: "What are you doing there kiddo?""I’m playing...""What are you playing?""Oh, well... I collect sand, I pour some water in and I add then some poop and I’m making little weaklings!""What kind of weaklings?""Cops..."The cop, furious, slaps the kid and screams: "Get the hell away from here and run to your house! I never wanna see you wondering around here."For the next two days, the kid didn’t show up. The third day, the kid was on the same spot, playing. The cop, saw him again and approached the kid."What are you doing there?""I’m playing...""What?""Oh, well... I collect sand, then pour some water in and I’m making little weaklings.""Congratulations! enthusiastic said the cop. And what kind of weaklings you’re making there?""Firefighters...!""So, how come you’re not putting any poop on them as well?""Cause, whenever I do, they come out cops...!"
Little Billie's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet."Billie," she said, "what comes after 'O'?"Little Billie said, "Yeah?"
A woman starts dating a doctor.Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.""Do you think it will work?" she asks."It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."."What?" asks the priest, "what happened?"."You gave birth to a child!"."But that's impossible!" says the priest."I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"The priest replies, "I am your mother, the archbishop is your father."
Billy and Tommy were watching a boat pull a man on skis across the lake.
“What makes that boat go so fast?” asked little Billy.
It’s because that man on the string is chasing it,” said Tommy.Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the classroom asked, "How will that help?"
Knock knock ... Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
You don't need to cry it's just a joke!Mum,can i dress a bra?No.Why not.I am 14 years old!How many times I will say you "no", Michael...
The boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer: "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?""Yes, sir.""I thought so! Who was it?""My father, sir.""And what did he tell you?""He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right."
One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"
"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.
Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."
"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.
Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.
Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"
Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."
A father came home from work one night to find his little boy sitting on the cat, with a pen and paper in his hand.
“Why are you sitting on Felix?” he asked.
“Well, teacher told us to write an essay on the family pet.”What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
What is Pink and Red and sits in a corner?
A baby with a razor blade.A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Billy about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
3 boys are fishing on a river and a man comes floating by screaming help. The 3 boys grab the man and they realize it is Justin Bieber! Justin said thank you and he wanted to give each boy a gift, anything they wanted.
The first boy said, I haven't been to Disney World. Justin gave him and his family an all expense paid trip to Florida.
The second boy said, that he loves fishing but his dad works to much. Justin bought him and his dad an all expense paid trip to Alaska.
The third boy said what about a motorized wheel chair, with a tv and an Xbox attached, and it dispenses candy. Justin said yes, and that was great that he was giving away his gift. He asked who would be getting this gift? It's for me he replied. To that Justin replied, you can walk just fine though.
I will need that wheel chair after my dad finds out I pulled you out of the river.A little girl was eating a doughnut on her way to church. Since she could not eat inside, she left it outside and she prayed," God, will you please watch my doughnut and not go anywhere else? Thank you!" Then she went inside. When the priest said," God is here, God is there, and God is everywhere!" The little girl said,” You are wrong! God is outside watching my doughnut!"
Q: Why did the turtle cross the street?
A: To get to the shell stationA little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!""That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?""Just a wild guess," she said.The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!""That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl."Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked."No," the boy replied.The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked."No," the boy replied.The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"The boy replied, "A puppy!"
When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.
"Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
Running into the house after school Tommy said to his mother, “Mom! Isn’t an ox a kind of a bull?” “Yes, she replied. “And doesn’t equine have something to do with horses?” “That’s right.” She said. Running out of the house Tommy said “I’ll see you later!”
“Why? Where are you going?” asked his mother. “To some other town I just heard in school that the equinox is coming, and I don’t wanna be around when it gets here!”
Q:How does a bear start a race?A: READY, TEDDY, GO!
Willy: "Mom, are our neighbors very poor people? Mother: "I don't think so, Willy. Why do you ask?" Willy: "Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?""Eight," the boy replied.The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. He saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike.Right now, he can't do either one."
Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
What is a baby?"A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other."
What's white, furry, and shaped like a tooth?(A molar bear!)
Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other. The first kid leans over and asks, ?What are you in here for??The second kid says, ?I?m in here to get my tonsils out and I?m a little nervous.?The first kid says, ?You?ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It?s a breeze.??Cool,? says the second kid.? ?What are you in here for???A circumcision.??Whoa!? exclaims the second kid. ?Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn?t walk for a year.?
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after
three." "Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A JackFour year-old Harry, who could tell time, was playing with a wall clock when her grandpa visited. Later, when he was putting on his coat to leave, the grandpa asked him what time it was. He looked at the clock blankly, and then answered in a triumphant way, "It's time for you to go, grandpa!"
Patsy offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of her next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.So, Patsy, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said."But I thought you said your mother always has hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Patsy in surprise."She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them."
Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."
Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”
One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway."If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her.Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again."Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there’s one.""No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait."A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s big enough.""No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait."About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad, let’s eat her.""No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either.""Why not?" asked the son."Because, we’re going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."
One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,
"You bitch, your c*nt is too hairy! Whell your d*ck is to small bastard!"
The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and
asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of
the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each
other sometimes and d*ck and c*nt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy
shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was
watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut
himself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly
replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using." So the boy wandered
into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that
evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and
blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated
mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The
company is already here!" So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his
new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your c*nts
and d*cks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting sh*t on
his face and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey."A:I have the perfect son.Q:Does he smoke?A:No, he doesn't.Q:Does he drink whiskey?A:No, he doesn't.Q:Does he ever come home late?A:No, he doesn't.Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.
There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head"
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn." Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morningwas the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn." Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful, just f**king beautiful."
The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.
One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!''
Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?''
Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
mom:jim! i thought you wash the dishes after you do your homework! why are you watching tv
jim: it’s okay i haven’t done my homework yet
Submitted by jasmeen.
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will describe an object and the students will tell herwhat she had described.Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem." Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple." Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." "OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it."Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange." Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking." Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher?" Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!" Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for asecond, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it." Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!" Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!"
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his
parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the
mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of
tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom
of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want
to see your mother again...'A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.Surprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?The blonde girlfriend replied all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'
A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received: Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly We three kings of porridge and tar On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. He's makin a list, chicken and rice. Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. With the jelly toast proclaim Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer) Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say Sleep in heavenly peas In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown You'll go down in listerine Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay O come, froggy faithful You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"
"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."The man in the cafe asked the waiter,
"What is this mouse doing in my alphabet soup?"
The waiter looked for a minute and said,
"Learning to read sir.""Where did you born?""At the hospital!""Don’t tell me! And what were you in for?"
What did the volcano say to the other volcano?Stop erupting me.
When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’
What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?(A panda bear rolling down a hill!)
A third-grade child was asked by his teacher to spell “straight.” The boy did so without error. “Now,” said the teacher, “what does it mean?”
“Without water” was his reply.Knock Knock!Who's There?FigsFigs who?Figs the doorbell, it's broken!
It was the first camping experience for Paul. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled."What happened?" asked a fellow camper."I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Paul. The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly.""Listen," groaned Paul, "if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"
A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine. The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?"The kid replied: "What does it look like?"
Larry tells Harry: When I grow up, I am going to be a policeman and follow in my father’s footsteps.
I did not know your father was a policeman, said Harry.
He is not …. He is a burglar replied Larry."Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident.""Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
At a Catholic school, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd graders. After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria. All the children and parents filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, and some water bottles and juice. As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said, "Take only one. God is watching." So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote: "Take all you want”. God is watching the apples."
A little girl is in line to see Santa.When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken.""No," said the little girl."She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?(A bear-faced lyre!)
Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's
that d*mn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned
sharp."Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in themiddle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in thedelivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lanternand said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world."Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put thelantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass."No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Doye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
Handy hint: Feed your baby onions so you can find it in the dark.
In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.
“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.
“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
My son's kindergarten class was asked to draw self-portraits for a class
project. My son of course followed the instructions but as he proudly
passed in his "Monet” the teacher was astonished - He had drawn himself
Naked... The Teacher called him to her desk and asked "Jordan, What is this?"
He replied, "If you don't know what it is then I'm not going to tell you."An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”Why do bears have fur coats?(Because they look silly wearing jackets!)
Having past almost 30 years, the same question still bothers him… Why he does not look alike his brothers and parents at all - every single one pretty and he so ugly.He summoned all his courage and decided to ask his mother: "Mom, tell me the truth please, I am adapted, aren’t I?"The mother burst into tears and said: "Yes, my child! But it didn’t work, they returned you back!"
Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little
sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...
"Now she knows."A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy.Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly."Why are you crying?" Bob asked."I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill."So? Are you afraid?""No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.This is the actual conversation of the telephone call...Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"Kelly: "This is my mother."Needless to say, she didn't pull it off!
When is a door sweet and tasty?When its jammed!
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"A father, as he was going home, he saw his daughter on the porch, kissing a guy goodnight.Disturbed, he turned to the guy."In our home, young man, we turn of the light at 11 o'clock, sharp!""Oh, Thank you so much Sir! That's so convenient! Thanks!"
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with
friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework,
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be
seen and the card players continued without any further
interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle,
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a
peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."He used to be a bottle baby, but when he reached the age of ten he pushed the cork out and escaped.
The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets p*ssed off.
She goes bitching to Little Johnny's father. She comes to
Little Johnny's house and sees Little Johnny f**king a goat
in the front yard.
She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son!
Your son! He cussed in the school and now....now he's being
carnal with a goat in the front yard!"
Little Johnny's father goes running out the door yelling,
"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!"One day a boy asks his dad,"What's the difference between a pussy and a c*nt?" Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where shewas sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see thatbrown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft andfurry it is?" "No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the c*nt."
Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
tell me a sentence with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
definitely blue." "Thats not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
Young Sally tried :"The grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or brown too!"
Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have lumps?" The teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
about?" So Johnny says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely sh*t my pants!"
Anxiety: Getting up to see why the baby isn’t crying.
A Tourist was driving down a country road in Kentucky when he saw a little boy walking down the road with only one shoe on.
He stopped and said, "What's the matter son? Did you lose a shoe?"
The boy says, "Nope! Just found one."While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a police officer?""Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report."My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?""Yes, that's right," I told her."Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby? Me: I helped 5: How? Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions
When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the the
stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard
that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said
to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why
do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"Two kindergarten girls were talking outside: one said,
"You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday--a condom!"
The second girl asked, "What's a patio?"A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered, "39 and holding."The child thought for a moment, then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident."She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said.Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.One said to the other, "There's a book?"
Q. "Why did the cookie got to the doctor's?"
A. "Because he was feeling crummy!"
A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”
“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”
“That’s a nice thing for scouts to do,” said the mother. She paused. “But it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”
“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”“Johnny, I’ve had a letter from your Principal, said the father.
It seems you’re very careless with your appearance.”
“Am I, Dad?”
“Yes. You haven’t appeared in school since last semester!”One cold winter day a boy was standing out side a shoe store praying to God for some socks or some shoes. Just them a lady walks up to him and says, "Is there something that I can help you with?" He looks down at his feet,and says "well, I would like some shoes."
She grabs his hand and takes him in to the shoe store. She asks for a dozen pair of socks and a pair of shoes. They sit down; get the socks and shoes on. As the woman is getting up to leave, the boy says thank you, and she tells him that if he ever needs anything else, to not to be afraid to ask. So he asks, "Are you Gods wife?"Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?A: He called a toe truck.
Three young boys stand around talking about how fast their dads are.
First boy said my dad is so fast he can turn the light off and still get in bed before the light goes out.
Second boy goes my dad is so fast he can turn the hose off run to the end still get a full glass of water.
Third boy says my dad is so fast, he has a government job he gets off of work at 5 and he's home by 3.I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.
Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it. So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep. The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake."Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question."Who died on the cross for our sins?"William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"Once again, she goes back to sleep. This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"William pokes her again. Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"
Most babies born today are very young.
10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks
his babysitter is gay.
"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.
Timmy replies, "Because his d*ck tasted like sh*t!"A teacher said to her student, "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"
After a few moments, Billy answered, "It depends."
"It depends on what?" she asked.
"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.
Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair."Don’t be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts."A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.This time the sister is bawling and her brother says…"Now she knows."
My daughter was listening to her radio in the other room, I yelled out to her and ask, "What the heck is that disturbing noise?"
She replied, "That's my radio daddy."
I said, "Well try mine it doesn't sound like that!"Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.A short while later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher "I still can’t find it."Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had been at the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom.So Tommy and Billy left the classroom together and five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.The teacher asked Tommy "Well, did you find it?"Tommy was quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and
use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a
sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while
pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint
to little Suzy and said "Ear"An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a
car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a
piece of candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man
driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces
of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all
the candy you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he
says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have
to live with it!"Q. Why did the kid eat his homework?
A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.What do you call a old snowman?Water.
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about
the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the
Mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"Kid: "please could I go 2 the toilet"teacher: "say the alphabet" Kid: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz"teacher: "where's the p?"kid: "running half way down my leg"
Children brought up on a farm are often quite precocious.A nun gave a lecture on the facts of life to the combined classes one day.She thought the tiny tots would hardly know what her talk was all about so she left them in the classroom.After a while she noticed little five year old Johnnie whispering with a little four year old Jane and she asked Johnnie what was the meaning of their whispering.Johnnie stood up and asked, "Please sister, can a woman of four have a baby?" "Of course not," answered the sister, quite flustered.Johnnie turned to the little girl beside him and said, "Didn’t I tell you, you had nothing to worry about."
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"The nine year old says "They’re for my four year old little brother."The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!"
Q: What's red and goes up and down?A: A tomato in an elevator.
Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
Little Naomi said to her mum, "Mum, what’s got four legs and one foot?"
"I don’t know," said her mum.
"A bed."When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.
"Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."A little boy was excited about his first day at school.So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after classstarted, he realized that he desperately needed to go tothe bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask ifhe could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, butasked him to be quick.Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be ableto find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and saysto the teacher "I can't find it".Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been atthe school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.So two fellas go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?"Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had hisboxer shorts on backwards"
Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I’m not too keen on the time in-between!Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what’s so great about that?
It’s snowing outside!An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I hadWhat would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
The school went on a trip!What’s the worst thing you’re likely to find in the school cafeteria?
The food!The food in our school canteen is perfect.
If your a bug!An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Our puppy toilet trained on itWhat’s black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!How did the boy feel after being caned?
Absolutely whacked!Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland!
Pupil: A reindeer
Teacher: Good, now name another.
Class: Another reindeer!Submitted by Rohit.
A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"
Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?""No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."
Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”
Sama wanted to eat a mango from the tree. He climbed the tree, inspected the mangoes and saw the one he wanted. He then got down so that he could shoot it down and eat.
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday. After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears.
“Now, John,” said his father, “I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.” “And I did,” said Billy; “I had it going down, and he had it going up.”Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
A mother was talking to her three year-old daughter about animals.
The mother asked, "How does the cow sound?"
The three year old said, "Moo!"
The mother asked, "How does a duck sound?"
The three year old answered,"Quack!"
The mother asked, "How does a frog sound?"
The three year old said, "Bud!!!"When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up ... "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."
Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbor’s window with a baseball. “What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father. “Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?” “Without, of course.”
“Well, then, he said nothing.”The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got therehis teacher asked,"Why are you late little Johnny?"Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn'tmuck around!"
In a shop for kids. Peter selects a toy car, comes to the cash desk and gives the cashier money-cards from Monopoly game. The cashier:- Are you stupid? This isn't real money!Peter:- You're stupid. The car is not real either.
Little Johnny’s 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.“Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?”Johnny says, “Yeah!”
There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day
doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"A little girl complained that she didn’t want to go back to school.
“But why, Lisa?” asked her mother.
“Well, I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk.”A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
A policeman parked his police van in from of the station, while gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner Tops was barking, and he saw a little boy staring in at him “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” the policeman replied. Puzzle, the boy looked at him and towards the back of the van.
Finally he asked; “What did he do?”An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec !" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?" "Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !"
My daughter was six and excited about learning all the wonderful things about the world that first-graders learn. She turned to me one day and asked, "Mom, back in the old days when you were a kid, had they learned how to make the wheel yet?"I replied, "No, Sweetie, back then we were just grateful to have fire."
Teacher:Students if a=b & b=c ,then we can say that a=c.Give me on more example…
(A boy stands up and says…)Boy:Mam if i love you and you love your daughter then i love your daughter..!!!!
Submitted by a?a?? ?s??.
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!"The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!""GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation."There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said."An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed."Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."Mom and dad shot up in bed."How do you know that?" the startled father asked."Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Ozzie came home from school with a black eye and cut lips. His mother sighed deeply, “Oh, Ozzie, you’ve been in another fight.”
“But, Mom,” sniffled Ozzie, “I was just keeping a little boy from being beaten up by a bigger boy.”
‘Well,” said Mom, “that was brave. Who was the little boy?”
“Me, Mommy.”We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into a new apartment house in town. Very early the next morning, our 6 year-old ran in to our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to calm down a bit.About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Every house has doorbells - and they all work!"
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the nursery?They woke up.
Boy’s father come back from uk & was calling his wife.
Boy:- papa mom has died.
father slaped boy & said why u dont inform me when i was in America
Boy :- i thought i will give u a surprise.Submitted by suraj.
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while he was bathing."Mom", he asked, "is that my brain?""Not yet", she answered.
TEACHER: Why would you paint something black?STUDENT: So it runs faster.
A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of “pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.
Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant.”Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy?Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar.Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.Tommy: Blows 'em to f**king pieces, Vicar!
Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"
Billy: What a pair of strange socks you're wearing, one is green and the other is blue with red spots!!Drew: Yes, it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
Three boys were bragging about their fathers.The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom
asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning
about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At
least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up
to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his
room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and
sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're
done with your homework, supper's on the table."Doctors son: "Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success."Doctor father: "Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly."
Q: What did the big turnip say to the little turnipA: When did you turn up?
A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”
Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had alreadylived a wonderful and full life.The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
Q: What did the police do when 241 hares got loose?A: They combed the area!
Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.School Secretary: Who is this?Pupil: This is my father speaking!
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blankfaces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", saidMartinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history thanyou do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans.""Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to theteacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If yousay anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit toChandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?Son: Why? Father: So you could earn some money. Son: Why? Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest. Son: Why? Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in your account...and you would never have to work again. Son: I'm not working now.
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other
and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play
with!"When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place.
“It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
"Honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered,"Thou shall not kill."One day Pebbles Flintstone got scared and hopped in bed with Wilma and Fred.
She looked under the covers on Wilma's side and asked what that was and Wilma said well Pebbles thas my rock.
After that Pebbles looked on Fred's side and asked what that thing was down there and Fred replied thats my rock grinder.
So Pebbles layed there for a few minutes then sat up and said so mommy puts her rock in daddy's rock grinder and out pops PEBBLES! ! ! !
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class.
The
teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one
thing
they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to
the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.
The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the
correct
words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl
to
try again. The girl thinks real hard ........
"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!"
The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought
hard
and said, "I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"
The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking.
Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,
"Winnie The Shit!!"The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells
her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
rapturous applause...
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...
"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?A. "Is that you mommy?"
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. Then he turned to his father and said; “Gee, Dad, stork doesn’t recognized me.”
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.
4-year-old: Why are you my dad?Me: Because I made you.4: How?Me: ...4: O.oMe: ...4: O.OMe: With Legos.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it.She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy’s mind, sat him and said: “God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white.”To which the child responded, “Well, then is God Michael Jackson?”
Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?'The little girl said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!''What's that?' her mother asked.'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!'Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.'Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws.When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see.''Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey.So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten.She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!''Of course it has,' her mother grinned.'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded.Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!'
Peter: My mom is having a new baby. Joy: What's wrong with the old one?
A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered.
Salesman: May I speak to your mother?
Child: She is not here.
Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?
Child: My sister
Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?
Child: I guess so.
There was a long silence on the other phone. Then;
Child: Hello?
Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.
Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.
The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?
A: Because he was a party pooper."Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl."Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl."No." replied the boy."I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl."And do you know who I am?" asked the boy."No," she replied."Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up
behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
his bike. She holds up the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!". The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!A little boy took the chair at the barbershop. “How would you like your hair cut today, son?” asked the barber. “Oh, do it like you do Daddy’s, with the big hole at the back.”
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold creamon her face."Why do you do that, Mommy?""To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removingthe cream with a tissue."What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby." The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents." "No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking." The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?" The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."A kid asks his father:Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed?Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the
Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little
put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his
father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,
sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz
and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who
signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny
said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back,
pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that
d*mn thing, hell, you d*mn well better admit it!"A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It
was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly
there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the
assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even
louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny
Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe,
"I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So
she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"Q: What creature has more lives than a cat?A: A frog, after all, they croak every night.
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
A young girl’s father had been in the hospital for a serious operation, and for several days he could not receive visitors. Still in pretty bad shape, he was finally allowed a visit from his family. His young daughter was baffled by her father’s condition. “But Dad, you look awful! Didn’t you get my get-well-card?”
A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: "well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE LADIES!
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"Little Johnny’s 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
“Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?”
Johnny says, “Yeah!”
Submitted by raju.
A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”A kid at a sleep-away camp wrote home,
"Please send me some food. All they serve here are meals."One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of
the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good
morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"What did the green grape say to the purple grape?Breath!!!!
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind
a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you."
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!"
"But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!"
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"
Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.
"Look out dad, she's backing up!"A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked
little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and
collapsed."
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home.He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest.He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
Bob asks his grandmother: "Granny, tell us, how my sister and me came to life?""Your sister, Bob, came from heaven and a stork has brought you to us."Bob then, turns to his sister and whispers: "Should we tell her the truth, or should we let her die without knowing…"
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here.One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times. "I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell."
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his d*ck in preparation of f**king his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.", to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, f**k him?"
One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked
in, and said, "good morning class. Today we are going to play word games. I'm going to give you a word and I want you to put it in a sentence for me." She said "Spanky you're first. Your word is football." Spanky stood up and proudly said " I threw the football," and sat down.
The teacher said "very good Spanky." Then the teacher said, "Darla,
you're next. Your word is pretty." Darla stood up and said, " I think I'm very pretty!"
Then she sat down.
Then the teacher called on Buckwheat. She said, "Buckwheat, you're
next. Your word is dictate." Buckwheat stood up looked at Arial, and said, "Hey Darla! How'd my dic tate las
nigh?
“Hello, Ginger!” Her brother called cheerily to his sister.
“Don’t call me Ginger!” she snapped furiously. “My hair is the color of gold.”
“Yeah,” he replied with a jeer, “twenty-two carrots!”Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girl. "Mommy," she said, "I'd like
you to answer one question." "Very good," replied her mother, "I was
wondering when you would become curious about birds, flowers and bees."
"It's not that," said the girl. "I know all about screwing. What I would
like to know is how to make lasagna."A child asked his father, "How were people born?"So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "c*nt" and "cock"
scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the
classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now
we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our
eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on
the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the
children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very
slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their
eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But
below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes
again!"A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral
lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my
brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" asked his mom.
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?A: Nacho cheese!;)
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish."The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that."The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.His son replied, "That’s the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"
After being punished for losing his temper, a little boy ventured to ask his mother, “Please explain to me the difference between my foul tempered and your worn nerves.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Santa Claus arrives to a kindergarten and gives each child a present. Everybody received really cool presents – racing car models, ship models and similar. But one kid got only a pair of socks. A kid comes to him and teases him with his received brand new Formula 1 model and laughs at this socks-kid:LHey, what a shitty present you have received, look at my super car" said the kid offensively."So what, at least I don't have cancer…"
Hearing a scream from the playroom, the mother rushed in and found her infant daughter pulling the hair of her four-year-old bother. After separating them, the mother said to her son, “Don’t be upset with your sister, honey. She didn’t know she was hurting you.”
No sooner had the mother returned to he chores than she heard more screaming. This time she rushed in and found the baby crying. “Now what happened?” she asked.
“Nothing,” said the boy, “except that now she knows.”A small boy is sent to bed by his father…Five minutes later:"Da-ad…""What?""I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?""No. You had your chance. Lights out."Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad…""WHAT?""I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?""I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!"Five minutes later:"Daaad…""WHAT?!""When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice.""Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken.So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal."What's the deal?" he asks.His mom says "You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand.It being hot and him being thirsty, he decided to stop. Once he got up to the little boy's stand, he noticed a sign that said "All you can drink 10 cents," and a single, very small glass. Well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway.He gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. He slapped the glass back onto the table and said, "fill 'er up." The kid replieds, "Sure thing, that'll be 10 cents." To this the business man said, "But your sign says all you can drink for a dime.""It is," the little boy replies, "That's all you can drink for a dime."
A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs
mating. The little boy sked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy." The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother. "The little boy replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.
In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.
The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".
The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".
And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".
This joke was submitted by:
Gilmary cruzMr. Parker saw his son’s shiner and demanded, “Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?”
“No one,” replied the spunky child. “I had to fight for it.”"Yes brother," says Paddy."Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick."It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy.A month later Paddy calls Mick."Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy."That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick."I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy."And what did you call the boy?""I called the boy De nephew."
Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother,
"How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny.
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought
us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the
stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny
handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to
write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my
family for three generations."Why did the basketball player go to jail? "Because he shot the ball!"
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.’
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
One day Pepito was having a shower with his father when he saw his fathers panis.
He asked his father what it was and his father replied "this is my racing car".
The next night Pepito heard moaning in his parents room, being curious he peeped in to see what was happening.
He then saw his father on top of his mother, while looking his father saw him and told him to go to his room. "OK, but I'm not sure you're driving that racing car properly" replied Pepito.
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
was horrified to find my son eating out of the sugar bowl."Don't let me catch you doing that again!" I scolded.He was willing but dubious. "I'll try, Mommy," he told me, "but you're so quiet sometimes."
Where does a boat go when it is sick? The dock.
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while."You understand it now?" Mum asks."Yes," replies her daughter."Do you still have any questions?""Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?""In exactly the same way as with babies.""Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
A man and his son walk into a shoe store when the sales man asks, "How can I help you?" The man says he has a dinner to go to and is looking for the right type of shoes. The salesman asks if he is looking for dress shoes, the little boy pipes up and says," but my dad doesn’t wear dresses."
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to
his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little
boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not
black or white."
To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"
young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the
letter "R," and all the other kids were, of course,
teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave
him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard
a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to
recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of them
already laughing at him -- then replied, "Bob gave Dick
a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.""Louisa" asked her small brother, "could you help me with my math homework?"
"Certainly not," replied Louisa indignantly. "It wouldn't be right."
"Maybe not," said her brother, "but you could at least try...!"Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?" Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."
Alfie had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"That’s nice of you, Alfie," she said. "Why?"
"Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the
problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my
homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the
teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it
in."
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see,
the plane was hijacked."Little Mathieu was digging in his garden a hole. The next door neighbor saw him and asked;"Why are you digging the dirt Mathieu?""My goldfish died, and I have to bury it.""Oh, I’m so sorry! But, isn’t that hole too big for a small goldfish?""Indeed, it is! But my goldfish is inside your stupid cat!"
"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?""Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke."I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?""I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"
The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU"
written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises
her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I
love you."
The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class. The next
day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written
on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy
raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you
sweetheart", the teacher says.
The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the
letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if
they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and
cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!".Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets. So, he decided to take advantage of it.One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!"His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?""Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face.When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!"Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?""Okay!" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face.The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman. He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!"The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one
at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's
house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."Three boys are walking home from school and they see a naked woman. One of them runs away the other two stay to watch.
The next day they are walking home from school and they see the naked woman again, and again the same boy runs away.
Another day later they are walking home and they see the naked woman again, as the boy tries to run away the other boys grab him and ask, "What are you gay or something don't you like looking at naked women?"
He replied, "Yeah, I love looking at naked women but my mom said that if I see one I'll turn into stone and I feel something starting to get hard."
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
The teacher: Why does a chicken lay eggs?The Student: MIss, Because if she dropped them, they'd break!
Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?A: He wanted to be a cool cat.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
Bert said, “I wish that was Sharon Stone.”
George echoed, “I wish it was Demi Moore.”
Little Johnny sighed, “I wish it was dark . . . “
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noisescoming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walkeddown the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it tothe end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroomlight had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom andsaw his father removing a used condom."Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tellhis son.I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."replied his father.Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,"Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?"
Q: Why was the math book sad
A: Because it had too many problemsChildren: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,
"You bitch, your c*nt is too hairy! Whell your d*ck is to small bastard!"
The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and
asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of
the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each
other sometimes and d*ck and c*nt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy
shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was
watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut
himself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly
replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using." So the boy wandered
into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that
evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and
blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated
mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The
company is already here!" So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his
new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your c*nts
and d*cks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting sh*t on
his face and my mom is in the kitchen f**king the turkey."It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.
At one house a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man, “said the politician,
“Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?”
“Neither,” said the child, “she’s in the bathroom.”While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform, she asked. “Are you a policeman? “Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report. “My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her. “Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
finding his mother in the
kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door,
and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for
lunch, stripped naked,
on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to
traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Billy watches, and after a
couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son,
we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his
mother starts
moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is
where me and the
mailman usually falls off!"
My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.
Teacher: What happened in 1869?Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born.Teacher: What happened in 1873?Student: Gandhi was four years old
“Why does your husband always call you his Fair Lady when you’re a brunet?”
“He is a bus conductor”- No one fails a class anymore, they're merely "passing impaired."
- You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
- Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
- These days, a student isn't lazy. He/She's "energetically declined."
- Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
- Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
- Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
- You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
- You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked."First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…""Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"
Son: Where are the Himalayas?
Father: If you'd put things away, you'd know where to find them.A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?""The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
In a Classroom the teacher asks; Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.How do you make a gay baby cry?
Take the pacifier out of his assKid threw the butter out the window, he wanted to see a butterfly.
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No", said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his
friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."A kid was home alone when the phone rang. He picked it up and heard, "Bloody fingers two houses away." The kid ran up to his room. The phone rang again, and the kid picked it up and heard, "Bloody fingers next door." This time the kid ran up to his room and got under the covers of his bed. The doorbell rang, the kid opened the door, and the man at the door said, "Hey! Got a Band-Aid?"
Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."The houseman invited over his boss and partners, for lunch. With them, his little 5year-old daughter was there."Don’t you want to say the prayers before lunch, so Our Holly Father give us his blessings?," asks the father."But... I don’t know what to say...," the little girl admits."Just say what you heard your mommy say last time inside the kitchen!," said her mother to help her.And the girl: "Oh, God! Why in this life, my husband must invite all these people for lunch?"
This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny
wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is
being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little
closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the
dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly.
Going up to the kid, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there,
but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's
neck."
"Yeah," the kid replied."But I wouldn't have a siren."A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some
candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair
on the floor.
"Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber.
"Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl!Did you hear about the child with AIDS? it never gets old. I own an abortion clinic called "Don't Kid Yourself"
Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A policeman caught a mischievous little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, innocent creature I shall personally do to you." "In that case," said the boy, "I'll give it lots of chocolates as well as all my money and let it go."
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?A. "Is that you mommy?"
One Sunday morning,a little girl and her mother go to church.Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick.Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church.The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes.Her mother asks her if she threw up."Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way "round the back.There was a box near the front door that said "For the Sick."
What color is a burp?It's burple!
Little Amy confided to her uncle, “When I grow up I’m going to marry the boy next door.”
“Why is that?”
“Cause I’m not allowed to cross the road.”Three boys are walking home from school and they see a naked woman. One of them runs away the other two stay to watch.The next day they are walking home from school and they see the naked woman again, and again the same boy runs away.Another day later they are walking home and they see the naked woman again, as the boy tries to run away the other boys grab him and ask, "What are you gay or something don't you like looking at naked women?"He replied, "Yeah, I love looking at naked women but my mom said that if I see one I'll turn into stone and I feel something starting to get hard."
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells
her it'll make her fat. “I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. “If I bite my
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" “You'll be fatter than
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, “Excuse me,
but do you know me?" And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you've
been doing..."A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess."So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
Why is it called a 'Picnic'?
Betty Sue wanted to eat outside on a hot summer day with her boyfriend. Problem: she had two boyfriends, Fred and Nick. Considering she knew she wouldn't have a very happy lunch if the two boys were arguing, she decided just to choose one boy to have the meal.
She Picked Nick.Q: What's the funniest joke ever?
A: Chris BensonOne day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him.“Daddy, the cat died today!”“Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.”“But why are his arms and legs up in the air?”“Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later.When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.“Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!”“What are you talking about?”“I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!
“But why can’t I talk inside the library?” Sandy asked her mother. “Because you have to be quiet. Noise is a distraction. The people around you can’t read.”
“Can’t read? Then why are they at the library?”History jokes
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opneder?
He had a bee in his suit of armour!Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden miss!Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
A math joke
Teacher: What’s 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That’s good.
Pupil: Good?, that’s perfect!Submitted by Rohit.
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.""He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.""How can you say all that without even meeting him?""Didn't you say he was 13?"
I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
A little boy was walking down the street with a steak on his head, a man walked over to him and asked: Little boy why have you got a steak on your head? The little boy replied I'm not a little boy I’m a fork!
Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon."
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it."If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it would fit in the pan, of course."
Peter went home from school and with full of excitement, looked for his mother.
Peter: Mother, I almost made it as top 1 student of our class for this school year!
Mother: Oh really, I'm so proud of you son! So, you must be the top 2 then?
Peter: No mother, our teacher pointed to my seatmate, had she pointed me, I would have been the top 1 in our class! Almost mom! Almost!Q: What did the big turnip say to the little turnipA: When did you turn up?
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteerto tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly anymoral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't f**k with uncle Ted when he'sbeen drinking."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world.Watch while I prove it to you.”The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”The boy takes the quarters and leaves.“What did I tell you?” said the barber.“That kid never learns!”Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son!May I ask you a question?Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?Breath!!!!
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you.""So, everyone knows that he was the first president.""Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.""Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny."Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
Teacher asks children, what do you wish to do in future? Jimmy: I want to be a pilot. Willy: I want to be a doctor. Mary: I want to be a good mother.Little Johnny: I want to help Mary.
Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a
city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's
that, Miss?"
Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your
Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."
Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that
ain't a f**king pig!"One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.
Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?A. He wanted cold hard cash!
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he
is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother
quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him
$40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the
whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then
come give your real father a big hug."Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
One day Pebbles Flintstone got scared and hopped in bed with Wilma and Fred.She looked under the covers on Wilma's side and asked what that was and Wilma said well Pebbles thas my rock.After that Pebbles looked on Fred's side and asked what that thing was down there and Fred replied thats my rock grinder.So Pebbles layed there for a few minutes then sat up and said so mommy puts her rock in daddy's rock grinder and out pops PEBBLES! ! ! !
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different."Because I am not an American.""Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?""I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian."Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."One day a boy came home running while crying.His mother asked what happened why are you crying?The boy said`I got punished for something I did not do’.His mother said ‘That’s horrible.what did you not do’.The boy in tears said`my homework’
A hat said to the coat on the coat rack, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."
What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
Which one's Mommy?A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?
“How do you mean, change her min?” asked Mrs. Sullivan.
“Well said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”A kid was crying standing outside his house.A passer by asked: "Why are you crying?"Kid: "My parents are fighting inside the house."Passer by: "Who is your father?"Kid: "That is what the fight is about."
What do you give a cat for its birthday? A catologue.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping."Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything.""Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything.""We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day.""Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked."Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."
“I saw you kissing my sister last night!” jeered the brat to the embarrassed teenager.
“All right all right! Not so loud,” said the youth. “Here’s fifty cents to keep your mouth shut.”
“Gee, thank! Wait a minute and I’ll give you twenty cents change.”
“Twenty cents change? What for?”
“I like to be fair,” said the youngster, “and it’s the same price for everybody!”Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?A: Put them in a barking lot.
What is the hardest part of making shoe fly pie? Putting the shoes on the flies!
A huge airplane, full of passengers, had just taken off when a 5 year-old bad behaved boy created havoc with yelling and crying out loud. Despite his mother's efforts, the boy could calm down.The passengers, obviously frustrated, gossip about it and some mentioned Herod way for salvation, but they still manage to get through the torture by staying calm and noble.The boy though, had no plans on ease up with his attitude. In fact, he gets worse. Starts screaming, swearing and spitting all around the plane. People got desperate.Suddenly, an old man stands up and walks towards to the little boy with a slow but majestic walk. He was wearing an air force general costume with badges and medals all over his suit jacket. He nudges to the mother so she can stop trying all of her hopeless efforts to quite the boy and then, kindly bends over and whispers something to the boy's ear. The child, immediately stops, takes his seat and fastens his seatbelt.The man went back to his seat with the same confidence, while the whole plane admired his achievement."Excuse me Mr. General, but what did you say to that child and made him quite?" a lady wondered."I showed him my medals, ma'am, and told him that I've won them on the battlefield and that those medals give me the right to through a passenger off the plane on any flight I feel like, only once a year and then I mentioned that this year... I haven't picked one yet..."
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
Submitted by Rajan.
Man: "How old is your father?"Boy: "As old as me."Man: "How can that be?"Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."
When I was born, everyone was so happy. Even the doctor said, ‘I think it’s a baby.’
Teacher: Why are you late?Little Johnny: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what Idid.
One morning a little girl ran inside and said "Daddy, Daddy my sister and
the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn on all that
new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his pants down. I
think they are about to p*ss all over that new hay!""An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.
Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."A little boy went to his teacher to tell her he found a frog.
The teacher asked if it was alive or dead.
The little boy said that it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said , "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.Love, your son, Joshua.P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.
Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?Little Johnny: I get up early.
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these
lines to practice:
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think
I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every
time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
"Hark! A pigeon sh*t! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think
I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakesh*t...
Horsesh*t... Oh, sh*t! I didn't want to be in this d*mn play anyway!"Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred.Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned."Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny.
"I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled.
"You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography
lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?"
"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in thebedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She putsher Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in therealready. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, itis." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buyit?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"Boy - "$250"In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are inthe closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "Ihave a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's gooutside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold mybaseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friendslike that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to takeyou to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the fathermakes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*tagain, you're in my closet now."
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?""He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa."Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl."Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago," answers her grandpa."Boy," says the little girl, "He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?” asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're looking for me."Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels!Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Must have been a duck family
A duck family?
Didn’t you say there was a quack in it!How did Vikings communicate?
By norse code!What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy’s tomb indicate?
The registration of the car that ran him over!How did Columbus’s men sleep on their ships?
With their eyes shut!Why aren’t you doing very well in history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.
How many galleons did the get to the mile!What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!What was King Arthur’s favourite game?
Knights and crosses!Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom!Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah’s court!Wish I had been born 1000 years ago!
Did the Native Americans hunt bear!
Not in the winter!Why does history keep repeating itself?
Because we weren’t listening the first time!What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin!Submitted by Rohit.
Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
be confronted by his
teacher.
Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't f**k around at these crematoriums you
know.
John: "I'm glad you named me John."
Mother: "Why?"
John: "Because that's what all the kids at school call
me."If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
A father often read Bible stories to his young children. One day he read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was tuned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
He’s been hitting the bottle for years. He’ll be two tomorrow.
Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
A: Pencil-vania.It's the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers."
After a moment of quiet thought, Little Johnny asked: "How will that
help?"Q: What is a banana's favorite gymnastic move?A: The splits!
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt.A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don’t know, son."The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?""Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"
Panic: When your babysitter calls to ask where you keep the fire extinguisher.
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was *that*?"
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Kids Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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