A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.A very popular girl (the town whore) went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!Dentist to Patient: (begging) " Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game.Q: How do you know which doctor is a urologist?
A: He is the one that washes his hands before he urinatesMEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security.
Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds
of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take
over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
need to let their families know to bring something, or may make
arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for
this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may
also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special
discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by
calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and
listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a
rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two
x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required
by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of
one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday
paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors'
coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the
ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each
floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy
compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of
antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase
through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the
only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”
“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
Submitted by Rohit.
I've been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."A man walks into his doctor and says "Doctor, doctor i have a bit of an embarrising problem."
The doctor replies, "Okay, lets see it."
The man pulls down his pants and bends over to reveal a lettuce leaf growing out his backside.
The man asks "Do you think it's serious?"
The doctor replies, "To tell you the truth it looks like just the tip of the iceberg."A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.
Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She says she can't feel her legs!"Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
" A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off
Submitted by Rohit.
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?A variation
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's
testicles. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the
it with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good, but I've had some strange side effects."
"Like what?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I piss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow
job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on."Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you."Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away."
"I see. What do you want me to do?"
The patient implored, "Break my arms."Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass." After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note
to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden years. What's the advantage of having a kid at forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water.
He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling."
He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it. My maid said to use hot water."Q: What's the strongest thing in your body?
A: Shit. Because even the strongest man cant hold it!One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Submitted by Rohit.
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye (work with me here). He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor?s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man?s ass was that eye staring right back at him.
?You know,? said the doctor, ?you really have to learn to trust me.?A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to
a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but
I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go
talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock ball game.
Submitted by Rohit.
Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.A father was concerned that his daughter hadn't revealed her heart condition to his future son-in-law. The first chance he had for a private chat, he asked his son-in-law to be, "Michael, are you aware of my daughter's acute angina?"
"Sure," Mike responded, "and her breasts ain't bad either!"There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)
“Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled…
isn’t she adorable?”
Friend: “But your kid didn’t smile.”
Father: “I was talking about the nurse.”
Submitted by Rohit.
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.A guy from Alabama was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the guy
complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," said the man, "shoving them up my ass?"Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Suzie: Don't bite any!One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" inquired the doctor.
"Yeah." said the man.
"Well, what did they have to say about it?" asked the doctor.
"They're in favour, 15 to 2." replied the man.A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over
doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"Alternative Medical Terms
-------------------------
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!For women - Helpful info. For men - For the woman in your life.
PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:
Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise No. 1:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.
Exercise No. 2:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Don't breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other breast.
Exercise No. 3:
Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees). Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him
into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."This retired O.B.G.Y.N doctor decides he is bored and wants to find something to do with his spare time. He always had a motorcycle and loves riding them, but never could work on them. He decided to go to school to learn to be a master motorcycle mechanic.
After a couple of years of hard studying and learning about bikes, the last day of school was a final exam. The final exam was a 2 part test. Part 1 was diagnostics of a badly running motorcycle engine. Part 2 everyone in the class had to compleatly tear down the bikes engine, repair it and put it back together running perfect.
After several hours of working, the teacher tells everyone to stop what they are doing. He then judges everyone's work.
He grades everyone. He tells everyone their scores. The grades are 2 part. 50 points for diagnosis. 50 points for installation. He gives 1 person an 80, another person a 75, another a 68. Finally he gets to the doc's bike, cranks it up, it runs perfect. He gives the doc a 150.
Confused, he asked the teacher why he gave him a 150. The teacher explains to him, 50 points for proper diagnosis, 50 points for repairing it properly. The doc asks what about the other 50 points. The teacher then replies, "In all my life, I've never, ever, ever seen anyone completely tear down, repair and rebuild a motorcycle enging going through the exhaust pipes!".
A man goes to his doctor to pick up his medicine. when he gets there, his doctor tells him that he has to take these up the butt, because otherwise he'd vomit them up.
The doctor asks the man if he'd like the doctor to put it in today because it's his first time and after this his wife can do it, and the man agrees.
So he puts it in, and the man yells, "ow!" and then the doctor tells him it will sometimes hurt, and sends him on his way.
The next day, his wife puts it in for him, and as she puts it in, he screams at the top of his lungs.
She asks him what is wrong, because she put it in gently, and he tells her that when the doctor put it in, he had two hands on his shoulders.
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.
“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”
Submitted by Aron.
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you
grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out
like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says,
"I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely
that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a
cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bedA patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
Submitted by Rohit.
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what
it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two and keep away from children."This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to
endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the
thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"A man is walking his dog when the dog suddenly drops dead. He rushes the dog to the vet and says, "Doc, you have to help my dog. He has been with me for 15 years and is so special to me!"
The vet examines the dog and tells the owner that his dog is dead.
"I want a second opinion!"
So the vet goes in the back and brings out a labrador retriever.
The labrador jumps up on the table and starts licking the dog. There is no movement.
The vet says, "Your dog is dead."
"I want a third opinion!"
The vet goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts scratching and mauling the dog. Still the dog doesn't move.
The man says, "Doc, I guess you are right. How much do I owe you?"
"480 dollars."
"480 dollars! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!"
"No, that's only 80 dollars. The other 400 is for the lab work and a cat scan!"Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually.
Liz: I'm the examiner!True Medical Stories (??)
A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor "The patch," he replied, "the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and I've run out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years . . . when my husband was still alive."
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence."Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A guy comes home from work feeling bad about the day's activities. He lays down on the couch and ponders his actions. Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side and that of his mischievious side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients." The man tosses and turns in reflection of his actions. Again
the voice says "don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients." Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel
better about himself at which time another voice in head says, "but you're a veterinarian."A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh twenty
pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup . . . just had him circumcised!"The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.
He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.How can there be self-help "groups"?
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. They have shaky hands!Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."Q: What do you do when you find a man in the bath tub having a seisure?
A: Throw in your laundry.An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As
the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope,
he began muttering, "Oh oh !"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do
you smoke?"
"No", replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,
you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the
LOOKING or the THINKING?"1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
A: He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.A British doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says, “That’s nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
A Russian doctor says, “In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
Submitted by Rohit.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife asking, "What was in that sandwich you gave me?"
"Why?" she asked.
"Because it was disgusting." he answers. "What was in it?"
"Crab Paste." she says.
"Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?"
"The Pharmacy." she answersDr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and
ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."Q: What is an outpatient?
A: A person who has already passed out.A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”
“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.
“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”
“Standard pricing practice,” said the doctor.
“Women’s brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used.”
Submitted by Rohit.
An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a caf?, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.
The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.
"You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says in an astonished tone.
"Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.
"Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants."
The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.
"Eww..." says the American, "You eat your bread with that jelly?"
"Yes," says the Frenchman.
"Not us," says the American, "We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly."
"Really?" says the Frenchman, "And what do you do with your used condoms?"
Taken aback, the American says, "Uhh... we just throw them away."
"Not us," said the Frenchman, "We throw them in a container, process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans."Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."A woman was wondering why she hadnt had sex in 5 months.
So her friend told her to go and see a chinese sex doctor.
When she got there he told here to take off all her clothes and crawl to the other end of the room and back.
As she was crawling back towards the doctor, he said "Oh yes... I see the problem now"
"What is it", replied the woman.
"Your face look like your ass" said the doctor.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system extremely upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. Unfortunately for him, this wasn't a false alarm and he soiled his bed linens terribly. He was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"Two cows are standing in a barn.
First cow says, "I'm a bit concerned about this mad cow disease that's going around."
Second cow replies, "I'm not worried, it doesn't affect penguins."A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not . . . but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.
Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge ?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised, the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant!"
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings."Here's one from the Emergency nurses association:
Be an organ donor . . . Unbuckle!A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into
armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What the heck have
I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?"
So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a
hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loads
them into his van and off he rushes to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital and after some serious surgery, he asks
the doctor, "Doc, how are they doing?"
The doctor replies, "Comfortable, sir!"Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.
The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".
The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"
So the doc. said "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".
A patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"
Q: What's the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: The number of tits!A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock."A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him. "How bad is it?" the doctor asks. "I have no idea," the husband says. "Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss." So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5 feet: Same thing. Finally, he's standing right behind her: "What's for dinner?" She turns around, looks at him and says:"For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!"
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided
to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their
guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have
problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I
frequently seduce my female patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways
to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the
things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my
patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret."When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."
As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.”
“And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?”
The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, “Now you have everything.”
Submitted by Rohit.
A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.
He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling ME I'm not sterile?!"Dentist: “Would you help me out? I’d like you to give a few of your loudest screams.” Patient: “Why, Doc? It isn’t all that bad this time.” Dentist: “Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the five o’clock Braves game on Channel 4.”
Submitted by Rickey.
One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Submitted by Rohit.
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to have you."For years'n years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The Doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
Ah yes!There! Thats just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My Boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me.
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying,
"Now lets get the other one,"
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped-Ker-Pow!!
This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months he'd go "WITHOUT"!!The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion"A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Submitted by Fany.
The two worst ailments that affect the human race, are sobriety and virginity.
A temporary cure for sobriety is available, but it will return in a few hours after treatment has ceased.
Virginity, on the other hand, can be cured for a life time by one simple injection.A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what can he do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tell him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, put one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, "Arrgghhhh!"
"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.Its your first time and as you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while, searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed.
As he approaches you, he asks if you are afraid.
You shake your head bravely. He has had more experience but its the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver your body tenses but he is gentle as he promised he would be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, he has done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for easy entrance.
You begin to plead with him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time wanting to cause you little pain as possiable.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away. Pain surges throughout your body and you feel a slight trickle of blood. He continues and looks at you with a concerned look and asks you if its too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins moving in and out with skill but you are too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting and glad to have it over. He looks at you smiling warmly, tells you that you have been his most stubborn but yet rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all it was your first time having a tooth pulled.A doctor is walking down the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a Psychotherapist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this.
"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band."
"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."
"My God, is she?"
"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?!
That's absurd!"
"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just
suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.After looking for love in all the wrong places,
a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling
very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is
immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room
at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed..and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back
from your tests and we've found you have an
extremely contagious and nasty STD called
'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea,
AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the
only foods we can get under the door."Women complain about Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
--RoseanneFather: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts" she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine.
She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt.
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this viscous thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy I was praying.
It squeezed me from up and down.
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how they come out!Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put
me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."
"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.
"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution."
"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."Q: What do you call a proctologist from Jamaica?
A: Poke'Mon!With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth
a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men
before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2
percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug
were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a
sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of
middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test
subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury
and Presidential Strength versions.Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey . . . . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will
purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris . . . "Try doing your work with the engine running."Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Trish: Really? What color?Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!A young man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days."
"My good man," replied the doctor, "I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?"
"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?"A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”
“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.
“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”
Submitted by Rohit.
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know.... This is completely unfair."
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver.
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.
When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.
2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipula-
tions, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man,
contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the
United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check
your insurance policy.
10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal
response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance
counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if
it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your
life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my
eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in
demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up
straight. _
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a
hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example) builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven
seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a
birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.Q: What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Submitted by Rohit.
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who wanted to know how much he charged for a house call.
"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.
"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.
"Fifteen dollars."
"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen
minutes."Anatomy - something that everybody has but somehow looks better on a girl
Bachelor - a fellow that can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both.
Mistress - something between a mister and a mattress
Passion - a feeling you feel when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
Psychologist - a man who watches everybody else when a pretty girl enters the room
Neurotic - a woman who likes a psychiatrist's couch better than a double bed
Hypochondriac - a person wants to have her ache and treat it too
Book - The Physiology of Puberty, by I.C. Morhair
Gynaecologist - a man who works and operates in another man's field
Gynaecologist - at your cervix, madam.
Patient - I'm dilated to meet you.Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.News Flash:
Shands Teaching Hospital in Gainesville, Fl., recently proved that diarrhea is inherited.
Yes, it runs in your jeans...A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be
going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After
the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes...
.. Must be a rubber tree...A doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active. She says that she is not. An examination shows that she is pregnant.
Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there."
"Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks.
With a puzzled look she replies, "No. Who?"Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.
One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and used poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had insisted he fill.
The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass. In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."
Steve put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right."Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You’ve already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Submitted by Rohit.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, I think I'm gay."
The psychiatrist asks, "Why do you think your gay?"
"Because my grandfather is gay."
"Well, just because your grandfather is gay, doesn't mean you're gay."
"But my father is gay, too!"
"Well, just because your grandfather is gay and your father is gay, doesn't mean you're gay."
"But my brother is gay, too!"
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Isn't there anybody in your family who likes women?"
"Yeah, I think my sister does!"Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"
A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow". The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that.Q: What do you get when 2 hearts fight?
A: A heart attack!A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.”
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2′s face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself”
Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
Submitted by Rohit.
My insomnia is so bad, I can't even sleep on the job.
Newspaper Headline:
"Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years"A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Laxatives won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?"
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."A doctor is talking to a car engineer, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”
Submitted by Rohit.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again!This is true story from the newspaper
The Cape Times (South Africa):
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in
the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital
(Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on
the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection,
failed to reveal any clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed
the cause of these deaths...
"It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward,
remove the plug that powered the patient's life support system, plug her
floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When
she
had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back
in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after
all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her
polisher".
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question.
Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an
electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of
this
incident. The inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times)
The headline of the newspaper story was,
"Cleaner Polishes Off Patients"Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
Medical Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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