Puns Jokes

• My pig developed a rash, so the veterinarian prescribed an oinkment.




• A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
  
  The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
  
  "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
  
  Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
  
  "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
  
  The boy licked his cone and replied:
  
  "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

• What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

• Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.

• Two men out fishing for carp. One fellow stands up and as he does, his wallet falls out of his pocket and slowly sinks in the lake. As he tries to retrieve it, two huge carp show up and start fighting over possession of the wallet. The fellow turns to his comrade and states "First time I've seen carp to carp walleting!"

• A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

• A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

• I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

• I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

• What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.

• A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

• Black magic.... It doesn't work.

• Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.

• What did the "T" say to "here"?
  "Are we there yet?"

• What's the difference between a pun and a fart? A pun is a shift of wit and a fart is...............

• There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
  
  The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
  
  The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.
  
  The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
  
  The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
  
  The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
  
  And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

• I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

• Q: What has four wheels and flies?
  
  A: A garbage truck.

• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

• What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.

• Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

• I forgot where the sun came up....
  
  Then it dawned on me.

• Two young skunks named -In-and-Out go out to play.
  after a while Out got bored so he went in.
  Mummy skunk said that tea was ready and sent Out, out to tell In to come in.
  very quickly Out came in with In.
  That was quick said mummy skunk how did you find In so fast?
  Oh said Out that was easy. “IN STINKED.”
  

• I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

• Fishermen are reel men.

• There is 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you I LOVE YOU.

• What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

• Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
  
  Then they call me ugly and poor.

• Three hunters were walking in the woods one night when they came across a set of tracks.
  
  "Those are bear tracks." The first hunter said.
  
  "Those are deer tracks." The second hunter said.
  
  "No, they're fox tracks. The third hunter argued.
  
  They were still arguing when the train hit them.

• Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

• One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

• Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

• No checks (Czechs are welcome).

• A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now—Let us spray!"

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

• Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

• Teacher: If you are on the moon, what will happen to your weight?
  
  a) Increase
  b) Decrease
  c) No change
  d) Can not be predicted…
  
  Student : Decrease
  
  Teacher: Why?
  
  Student : You will not get good food!!!

• How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

• -EVER WONDER
  -
  - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
  -
  - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  -
  - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  -
  - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  -
  - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  -
  - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
  -
  - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
  - made with real lemons?
  -
  - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  -
  - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  -
  - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  -
  - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  -
  - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  -
  - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  -
  - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
  - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
  -
  - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  -
  - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  -
  - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  -
  - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  

• Why are most politicans in the closet or gay? Because they can only mandate.

• I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

• What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!

• What if there were no hypothetical questions?

• What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

• Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

• You need two American coins to add up to .30 cents. One of them is not a nickel.
  Q: What are the coins?
  A: One of them is not a nickel, the other one is, a nickel and a quarter.
  

• When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to, but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves.

• Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

• Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

• A man was walking down the road with a bag of liverwurst under his arm. He came upon a young, very thin boy with a tern under his arm. The man asked "What are you doing with that bird under your arm?” The boy answered" I am very hungry and I want to eat this bird.” The man wanted to save the tern and at the same time ease the boy's hunger, so he traded the bag of liverwurst for the bird. In other words, he took a "TERN FOR THE WURST".

• I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

• I was going to tell you the joke about the pencil, but there's really no point to it.

• Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

• Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? "Rude"olph

• A mother and father named their child "Odd". Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
  
  In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
  
  And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
  
  And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."

• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

• Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat?
  
  The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

• Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

• Two vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline. They got on board carrying six dead raccoons, and the flight attendant said, “I’m sorry, but there’s a limit of two carrion per passenger.”

• My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

• A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.

• Q: Why did the fungi leave the party?
  
  A: There wasn't mushroom.

• I broke my finger today, but on the other hand, I'm completely fine!

• There was this old eccentric man who constantly chased children off his property, never said hello to anyone he met and because of his negative character, was described as "A man of means!”

• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

• The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.

• The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

• Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

• What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

• When TV repairmen get married they get excellent receptions.

• Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger... Then it hit me.

• What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

• I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

• There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
  
  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
  
  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

• What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!

• Q. What is it called when you dream in color?
  
  A. A pigment of your imagination

• Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

• Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?

• What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!

• My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month.
  
  I guess that's why they call it alley money.

• There was a guy who had a job as a vacuum designer. One day, when he came to work, he told his coworker about how his girlfriend has dumped him. "This sucks!" he says. His coworker replies, "well, that's the general idea."

• What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

• I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

• What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? "What the Fuck!" and "What a Fuck!"

• Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

• A court jester is thrown into jail for telling terrible jokes.
  

• Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

• Two strings walk into a bar.
  
  The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.
  
  The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.
  
  "Yeah," the string says. "Aren't you a string?" the bartender asks. "I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

• There is a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber doesn't want any witnesses and there is only one man in the building so he decides to shoot him. The robber puts the gun up to the man's head and says, "Any last requests?" and the manager says, "Life."

• Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

• An early morning storm produced a strong tornado, which damaged most of the roof of a Pasadena, Texas funeral home. Everyone there was scared stiff.

• It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

• A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

• I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

• A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.
  

• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

• What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.

• Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".

• Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

• Q: What do u call a midget psychic on the run from the law?
  
  A: A small medium at large.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• "Well, I finaly retired my old car", said the old man. His pal ask, "Did you junk it or trade it in?" "Naw nothing like that, I put four new Michelins on it."

• Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

• A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.
  
  Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.
  
  Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."
  
  "Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"
  
  All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few more swigs and headed in. Once they popped back on stage, they saw that conductor Vonk was absolutely furious. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
  

• I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

• In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

• Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

• A man and a woman are eating in a restaurant. Suddenly, the woman got something stuck in her throat, causing her to choke. The man rushes outside, cuts a limb off a tree and whacks the woman across the back with it, dislodging the object in her throat. The headline in the paper read "Man gives woman the hemlock maneuver"

• What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

• When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

• A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.

• What is the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
  
  For the bird flu you get tweetment and for the swine flu you receive oinkment.

• What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!

• A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about.
  
  He told his mother “Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can’t stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.
  
  The mother couldn’t understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her.
  
  To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s’ talking about! We learned the hymn ‘Gladly The Cross I’d Bear'”.
  

• Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.

• My math teacher called me average. How mean!

• How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

• What did one Hot Dog Say to the other Hot Dog?
  
  HI! Frank!

• There's a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber takes all of the money and then puts a gun to the manager's head. The robber asks "Any last requests?" and the manager says "LIFE." (Get it the cereal, LIFE)

• What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

• I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

• How do you get off a non-stop flight?

• Stupid.....But funny...
  
  
  Subject: Funnies
  Things to make you stop and think
  
  1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
  ambulance.
  
  2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
  the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
  can buy cigarettes at the front.
  4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
  fries, and a diet coke.
  5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
  the pens to the counters.
  6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
  thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
  then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
  want to talk to in the first place.
  8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
  packages of eight.
  9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
  process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
  'bloodsucking creatures'.
  10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
  lettering.
  
  
  

• I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

• A man went into his dentist to see why his dentures kept decaying rapidly on him.
  
  The dentist looked at his dentures and remarked, "This is very odd, they look like something's been eating them. Is there anything different that you've been eating lately?"
  
  The man thought for a bit and said, "Well, my wife has been making a lot of eggs benedict recently with hollandaise sauce."
  
  "Ah!" exclaimed the dentist, "That's it. I know just what you need. I'm going to order you some new dentures with plates made out of chrome."
  
  "Chrome?" exclaimed the man incredulously, "Why Chrome?"
  
  "Because, There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise"
  
  ("There's no place like home for the holidays")
  

• STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

• What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

• I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

• If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?

• I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

• At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast.
  
  Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples.
  
  I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny.
  
  No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.

• I don't take offense. Fence thieves will take a fence, though.

• What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

• What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

• What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

• What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

• The young son of a family of three balloons was sufficiently small for him to sleep with his parents in their bed. The time came when he became too big to fit in the bed and his father told him to sleep in another bedroom. During the night the son was afraid and went back to his parents but could not fit. He undid the knot in his father balloon to make him smaller and thus create some space and then re-knotted it. This did not work and he did the same to the mother balloon, still no joy, so he did the same to himself and eventually managed to snuggle in. The next day the father saw his son and very angry he said, “Son you’ve let me down, your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down.”

• If quitters never win,
  and winners never quit,
  who made up the saying?
  Quit while you're ahead!
  

• What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

• Q: Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers?
  
  A: It's called On And On Anon.

• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

• What do you call stinky noodles?
  
  Fedit-cheeni