Dirty Little Johnny Jokes

• Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

  "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

  Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

  "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"




• Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

  Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

  Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

  Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

  Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

  Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

• One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

  His teacher replies "NO"

  Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

  "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

  Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

  She again says "NO".

  "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

  "Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

  Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

  Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

• A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"

  The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?"

  Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?"

  Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".

  Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?"

  Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"

• Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

  She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

  The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

  A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

  Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

  "That's right!" she coaxed.

  Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

• Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

  First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

  Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

  Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

  "Does a fart have lumps?"

  The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

  "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

• The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

  Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

  The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

  Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

  She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

  Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

• In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

  Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

  The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

  Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

  The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

  Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

  The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

  He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

• Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said"Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him "I'm parking my car in yours mom's garage. Go back to bed."

  Well the next day, the girl next door came over to play with johnny. He said " I have a new game for us to play." what's it called the girl replied . It's called parking the car . Wanna try it he said. Sure said the little girl.

  Well Johnny tells her how to play and they get off to a good start. A few minutes later all you can here is little Johnny screaming . His mom rushes into the room and says" what the hell is going on here? . The girl tries her best to explain. She said "You see we were playing park the car and johnny got his car all most all the way in. The back tires wouldnt fit so I cut them off!

• Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

  The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

  Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

  Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

• Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

  Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

  A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

• One day little Johnny was sitting in math class and his teacher was asking the class word problems when she got to Little Johnny and said "If there are three birds sitting on a power line and you grab your shot gun and shoot two of them, how many are left?"

  "None" Johnny replied.

  The teacher said "Actually, one would be left, 3 - 2 = 1"

  Little Johnny said "No, if your using a shot gun to shoot at birds then the other one is going to fly off from the sound"

  The teacher says "well no the answer is still one, but I like the way you think"

  Johnny starts to think to him self "Hmmm you like the way I think huh" and he says to the teacher "Three women are sitting on a park bench and they all have lolly pops. One of them is sucking on it, one is licking it, and the other is biting it. Which one is married?"

  The teacher says "The one sucking it of course"

  And Johnny replies "No, the one wearing the wedding ring... but I like the way you think"

• One day little Johnny's neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps.

  She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step.

  She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat's tail and move down a step).

  When curiosity got the best of her, she went across the street and asked little Johnny what he was doing.

  He said "I'm playing truck driver".

  She asked him "Well Johnny what does that mean?"

  He said "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on!"

• Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
  Usually she slept through the class.

  One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

  When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

  A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

  Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

  The Teacher fainted.
  

• A teacher at an infant school is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he was doing.

  "Well Miss, the spider's name is Herbert and watch this." Jonny then bends down to the spider and whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets ahold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a bit in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.

  The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbet, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" but Herbert doesn't move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After serveral attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider "Run, Herbert, Run" but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks "Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?" Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf"

• One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

  Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.

  Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.

  Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

  He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

• The teacher is going around the room, saying the names of animals, and the kids have to make the sound that the animal does.

  She says cow, and cindy raises her hand and says, moooo. very good cindy.

  She says duck, and bobby raises his hand and says, quack quack. very good bobby

  She says pig, little johnny raises his hand and says, freeze or i`ll shoot.

• Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag

  She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.

  Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.

  Then he says now let me give you one.

  He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.

  The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.

  Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking.

• In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

  She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

  Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.

  Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

  Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.

  Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

  Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.

  Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.

  Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat"

• One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"

  "Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.

  Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."

  "No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.

  Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.

  Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"

  Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

• Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

  Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

  Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

  Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

  Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

  That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

  He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Blake Julian

• Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."

  The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"

  Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."

• Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

  The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.

  The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

  But this time the little girl just keeps on playing.

  "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.

  "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
  

• Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

  He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

  He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

  A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

  Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

  The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

  Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Matt R S

• One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

  So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

  Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

  "No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

  So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

  "Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

  "No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

   

• Little Johnny was sitting in the park one day eating chocolate bars.

  An old man comes along and sits next to him.

  Little Johnny proceeds to eat more bars.

  After the forth bar the man says to him don't you think your eating too many chocolate bars.

  Little Johnny tells says to him my grandfather lived to be 110 years old.

  The old man looking surprised said really from eating a lot of chocolate bars like that.

  Little Johnny says no from minding his own fracking business.

  Submitted by: Stephen V, NL Canada

• A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

  Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

  One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

  Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

• One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
  "If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
  "None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
  "That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."

  Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
  "If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
  "The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
  "That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."

• One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.

  Mrs. Johnson had said, "Thank you very much but what is it?"

  The lady said, "It is a Damn ham."

  Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, "Don't speak that way to me, don't you know that I am the preachers wife!"

  The lady said, "Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!"

  Mrs. Johnson said, "ooh I see well thank you" and the lady left.

  Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner the preacher came into the kitchen and said, "Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?"

  Mrs. Johnson said," Well thats your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham"

  The preacher was shocked and said, "Don't speak to me that way! Don't you know who I am?"

  Mrs. Johnson said, "Yes, yes! I know who you are! It is just the brand name!"

  The preacher said, "Oh! I see! Well it smells great!"

  That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!

  When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, "Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?"

  The wife said "sure".

  Then little Johnny said, "Alright dad! While you're at it can you pass me the fucking mashed potatoes!"

• Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"

  His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."

  Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'

  His Dad says, "Both. God is both."

  Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

• Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

  He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

  A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

  She replies, "I lost it, honey."

  A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

  Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

• The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?"

  Little Johnny replies "The feet miss"

  So the teacher says "Why the feet?"

  And Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting 'Oh my God I'm coming'"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Emma

• Little Mike, Jonny's cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be.

  One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. "You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!" Little Mike's dad said with a smile. "If not you won't get anything nice"

  "I already know what I want for Christmas dad! When I wake up on Christmas morning I want to wake up and see a new fucking BB gun at the foot of my fucking bed!" little Mike said.

  Little Mike's dad rolls his eyes.

  "Then I want to go down stairs and see a fucking toy train going around the fucking Christmas tree!"

  "Oh yeah?" His dad says.

  "Yeah then I'll go out side and I want a fucking new bike leaning up against the fucking garage!"

  "I wouldn't count on it young man, not after how you just talked."

  When Christmas morning comes Mike wakes up. Laying at the foot of his bed is a steaming pile of dog shit! So he goes down stairs. Around the Christmas tree is a neatly arranged ring of dog shit. Then he goes outside and there by the garage is, you guessed it another pile of Dog Shit!

  "DAMN!" Little Mike says, starting to cry.

  "Well son did you learn a lesson?" Mikes dad asks.

  "I don't know dad, I think I got a new puppy but I can't fucking find it!"

• One day Johnny's mom was teaching him how to use the bathroom in six simple steps...

  1. Pull pants down
  2. Pull penis out
  3. Pull foreskin back
  4. Pee
  5. Push foreskin foreward
  6. Pull pants up

  A week later, Johnny's mom was passing the bathroom when she heard him inside repeating the steps to himself, 3,5,3,5,3,5,3,5....

• One day little Johnny Big Balls was playing football in the back yard and he threw the football over the fence.

  So Johnny climbed over the fence and the neighbour seen him and Johnny said "Hi I'm Johnny Big Balls whats your name?"

  Then he jumped back over the fence.

  Annoyed, the neighbour built up his fence.

  A month later Johnny was playing soccer and he kicked the ball over the fence then Johnny climbed over the fence and the neighbour seen him and Johnny said "Hi I'm Johnny Big Balls whats your name?"

  Then he jumped back over the fence.

  Annoyed again the neighbour put barb wire on the fence.

  A month later Johnny Big Balls was playing baseball and then he hit the ball over the fence and he jumped over and said "Hi I'm Johnny"

• Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

  Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

  Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

  "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

  Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

  So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

  At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

  At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

  He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

• Little Johnny likes to gamble.

  One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

  Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

  So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

  The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

  The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

  She says yes I know who you are.

  Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

  The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

  She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

  That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

  So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

  The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

  Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

• One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

  The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

  Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

  "Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

  A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

  Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

  The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

  Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
  

• One day there was this little boy named Johny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.

  Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords

  He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"

  Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"

  Then she said "Where is the p."

  Lil Johny said "Running down my leg."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Brooke