Driving Jokes

• A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”

  The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”

  The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”

  Submitted by Rohit.




• One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

  He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

  “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

  “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

  The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit.

  A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

  “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.

  “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

  Submitted by rajat.

• Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway with either indicator flashing, but going nowhere.

  Happily cruising down the middle lane of a motorway even when the road is almost entirely empty.

  Picking your nose and believing that no-one can see you.

  Not realising that there is any other setting for your lights than high beam.

  Indicating to move into a lane that you’re already half way in.

  falling asleep at the wheel, just in time for the lights to turn green.

  Sounding your horn one nanosecond after the lights change to green if the car in front hasn’t sped off.

  Sending sprays of wiper wash right over the top of your car and washing the one behind.

  Overtaking then pulling in front and slowing down.

  Sharing whatever is on your car stereo with anyone within a mile radius.

  Submitted by rajat.

• Two cab drivers met. “Hey,” asked one, “why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?”

  “Well,” the other responded, “when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”

  Submitted by rajat.

• One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

  The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

  He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

  Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

  The blonde started laughing.

  This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

  This time the blonde laughed even harder.

  Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

  The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

  The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

  Submitted by rajat.

• Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:

  The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s exposure.

  One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

  Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

  Submitted by rajat.

• The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

  The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?”

  “Not too late, Dad.” she replied nervously.

  Dead-panned, her father said, “Then, my precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car.”

  Submitted by raja.

• Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”

  The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”

  The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.”

  Submitted by rajat.

• I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

  Submitted by rajat.

• Once an engineer was driving in a ranch and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

  “Oh, about $200 today,” said the redneck. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

  Engineer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the redneck.

  “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

  “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

  The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

  When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

  Submitted by rajat.

• A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

  “No,” the man replied.

  “You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.

  “But I did slow down!” the guy argued.

  The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
  The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down — what’s the difference?”

  The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”

  Submitted by rajat.

• Policeman: When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, “Fifty-five at least.”

  Woman Driver: “Well, you are a long way off! It’s this hat that makes me look so old.”

  Submitted by rajat.