Good Insults Jokes

• Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

  You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

  You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

  You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

  Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

  Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

  If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

  Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

  You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

  You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.




• There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.

  As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.

  Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.

  She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.

  After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.

  She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.

  After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area

  Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."

  With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.

  B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"

• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

  There is no vaccine against stupidity.

  I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

  I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

  I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

  I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

  He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

  He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

  If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.

  You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.

• Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

  I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

  I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

  Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

  Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

  Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.

  Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.

  Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

  Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

  You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

• It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

  If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

  The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

  When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  I would not allow this student to breed.

  Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

• I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

  I bet your mother has a loud bark!

  I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

  I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

  I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

  I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

  I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

  I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

  I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

  I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

  I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

  I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

  I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

  I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

  I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

  I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

  I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

  I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

  I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

  If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

  If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

  If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

  If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

  If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

  If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

  Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

  Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

  Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

  So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

  Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

  There is no vaccine against stupidity.

• So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

  Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

  I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

  I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

  If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

  I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

  Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

  Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

  I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.

  If you had another brain, it would be lonely.

• Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

  Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

  Are your parents siblings?

  As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

  Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

  Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

  Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

  Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

  Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

  Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

  Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

  Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

  Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

  Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

  Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

  He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

  He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

  He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

  He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

  Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

  Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

  How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

  I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.