Priest Jokes

• There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.

  
  One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

  So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

  So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

  The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

  When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

  Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

  With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

  Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

  But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"




• A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

  So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
  Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
  

• On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

  If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
  2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

  What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
  Kermit the frogs finger

  what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
  Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

  heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

  What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
  Erotic = using a feather
  Kinky = using the whole chicken

  Why are men like cars?
  Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

• A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

  So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

  Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
  

• Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

  He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

  He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

  A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

  Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

  The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

  Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Matt R S

• A janitor is cleaning the church, when suddenly the priest runs out if the confession booth.

  He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he had run to the bathroom.

  Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions.

  The priest hands him a sheet of paper and tells him to find the sin on the list and it will tell you how many Hail Mary's to give.

  So the janotir goes in and then a lady goes in for her confession.

  She says,"I'm cheating on my husband." The janitor thinks, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two Hail Mary's

  The lady says, "That's not all, I also slept with him." The janitor thinks again, says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two more Hail Mary's.

  Then she says, "I also gave him a blowjob." The janitor looks on the paper and can't find the word "blowjob".

  He gets nervous and runs out of the booth looking for help. He finally reaches a little alter boy and asks him, "What does the priest usually give for a blowjob?" The little alter boy looks at him and says, "Two candy's"

• The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

  He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.

  The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

  At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.

  "No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.

  "No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.

  "No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

   

• A monk and a priest are driving down a street in differnt directions.

  Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

  They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

  But since both of them are men of god, they began to talk.

  The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

  The monk says that it was also lucky that his bottle of fine wine was left undamaged after such a great accident.

  So, they decide to celebrate.

  The priest ends up drinking almost all of the wine.

  And just as there's about a drink left in the whole bottle, the priest asks the rabbi if he would like a drink.

  The monk shrugs and says "No thanks, I'll just wait for the police to arrive."
  

• Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

  Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

  Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

  Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

  Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

  That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

  He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Blake Julian

• Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Keith Rodriguez

• A drunken man staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.

  The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

  The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.

  Finally the drunk replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either".