Really Funny Jokes

• A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

  She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

  The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

  "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

  The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"




• This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

  
  "Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

  The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

  So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

  The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

  "Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

  "NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
  

• One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

  "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

  So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

  That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

  Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

  The computer prints the following:

  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
  4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
  5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

   

• Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

  Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

  "How much?" asked Paddy.

  "Three quid." replied the salesperson.

  "Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

  He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

  The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

• A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

  One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

  The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

  The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

• Three americans are on a vacation hiking in a jungle in Brazil.

  While there, they are attacked by cannibals. The cannibals say they'll eat them if they dont complete 2 tasks. They agree.

  The first task is to go in to the center of the jungle and collect eight of of one fruit. The first tourist, Craig collects eight oranges. The second, Bob finds eight grapes. They all sit and wait for the third, Roy but they don't see him so they just go on without him.

  The next task is to shove all of the fruit that they collected up their ass showing no emotion on their face. Well Craig gets to two oranges before he starts crying. So they tie him to a stake ready to be burned. Bob gets to six grapes before he starts laughing uncontrollably, and they tie him to the stake too.

  Just before the cannibals set alight to the stake Craig says to Bob "Why did you start laughing you could have gone free.", Bob says "Well because I just saw Roy coming out of the woods with eight pineapples."

• 3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for christmas bonuses which they do yearly.

  They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.

  They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says "oh yes..come upstairs with me"..without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shagging! Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his 'bonus'. He goes out, tells his mate "go in get your bonus, she'll show you a bloody good time, one hell of a bonus!" He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good fuck.

  When their finished she says "go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus", off he goes and says to the driver- "driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hell of a christmas bonus" so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she takes reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him. He says "what the hell is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!"

  She turns round and explains "I had strict instructions from my husband, he said 'give a fiver (£5) to the driver and fuck the other two!!!'"

• An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

  The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

  On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Dan

• In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

  The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

  The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

  The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

• An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

  Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

  The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

  He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

  The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

• One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

  After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

  "Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

  "Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

  "Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

  About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

  "I'm right year Doc," he said.

  "Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

  "Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

  A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

  "Right here docta," he said.

  "Wonderful news! It's-"

  "Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Kevbo

• Three men went to hell.

  The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

  He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

  Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

  Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

  Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

  The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

  They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
  

• One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house.

  They were all freaked out and hesitated to go in.

  Eventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of Mickey Mouse appears and says "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"

  Next the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house".

  Finally, the Irishman went in and lifted the fiver and Mickey Mouse popped out again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"

  Then the Irishman said "I'm the ghost of Donald Duck I'll lift this fiver and I'll run like fuck"

• - You answer the door before people knock.
  - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  - You ski uphill.
  - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  - You lick your coffeepot clean.
  - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
  - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  - You chew on other people's fingernails.
  - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
  - You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
  - You can jump-start your car without cables.
  - Cocaine is a downer.
  - You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
  - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  - You don't sweat, you percolate.
  - You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
  - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  - People get dizzy just watching you.
  - You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  - Instant coffee takes too long.
  - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
  - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  - You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
  - You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  - You short out motion detectors.
  - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
  - You don't tan, you roast.
  - You can't even remember your second cup.
  - You help your dog chase its tail.

• There is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, "Sir you need to zip that up. You aren't supposed to pee in a public fountain like that"

  So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing hysterically. finally the cop says "What are you laughing at?" and the man says "I zipped it up but I didnt stop!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Lesli

• A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

  "What?" said the puzzled groom.

  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

  "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

  Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

  Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

  Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

  Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

  Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

  Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

  Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

  Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

  Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

  "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

  "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

• At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

  The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

  "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

  "Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

• Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

  One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."

  The other man says "fuck off, you're jokin aren't u?"

  The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..

  The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"

  The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

  The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a cunt when you're drunk superman"

  This joke was submitted by:
  Ritchie

• A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

  The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

  The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

  Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

  After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

  The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

  So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

  He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

  He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

  The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

• The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

  Has to work hard
  Has to work at great depths
  Has to work upside down
  Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
  Has to work in a high humidity environment
  Has to work at high temperatures
  Does not get weekends and holidays off
  Does not get time off after extra hours of work
  Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

  Request denied for the following reasons:

  Does not work 8 hours in a row
  Does not answer immediately to all requests
  After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
  Shows no fidelity to the workplace
  Retires too early
  Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
  Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
  Sometimes leaves work, too early

• In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

  To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

  "Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

  Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

  "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

  Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

• An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

  He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

  "Notice anything?", He said.

  "All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.

  "Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

  "Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Donybee

• There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

  No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

  The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

  On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

  Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

  "Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

  "Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

  "Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

  "Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

  "Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

  "Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

  "Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

  "Nope 34" replied the man.

  To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".

• One day a cowboy was traveling through the desert when he stumbled across an Indian buried in the sand from the neck down.

  Confused, the cowboy asked, "What the hell are you doing?".

  The Indian says," Telling time" Then suddenly his penis jumps out of the sand and the Indian says, "It's 12:00"

  Amazed, the coyboy checks his pocket watch and conferms what the Indian said.

  Later on, the cowboy stumbles upon another Indian in the sand, but this one was stroking his penis very rapidly. The cowboy looked down and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

  The Indian looked up and shouted, "I'm winding my watch!".

  by Jonathan Montgomery

• A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

  He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

  Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

  The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

• Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

  A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

  Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

  Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

  And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

• This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
  years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

  The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
  and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
  doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

  The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
  back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

  Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
  the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

  The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
  laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

  About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
  bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

  She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
  and I didn't listen to you.

  "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

  "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Calong1970

• A Christmas Poem

  'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

  The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

  The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

  It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

  Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

  When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

  Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

  The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

  When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

  With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

  Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

  And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

  Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

  Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

  They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

  And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

  I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

  His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

  That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

  He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

  I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

  Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

  The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

  A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

  A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

  A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

  This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

  He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

  He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

  In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

  The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

• This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

  The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

  The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

  So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

  So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

  The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

  So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

  So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

  The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

  So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

  When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

   

• A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

  The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

  Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

  The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

  By Yvette Mejia

• A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

  "What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

  "magic apples", the old man replied.

  "Prove it", said the young man.

  "Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

  "Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

  The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

  The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

  The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

  The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

  "I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

  The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

  He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

  The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Ken B.

• One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

  When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

  The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

  So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

  Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

  The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

  The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Kevbo

• Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

  Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

  Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"

• A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

  Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

  To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

  The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

  "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

  Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.

  Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.

  "I can also make it wink, " says the woman.

  The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

  "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

  The Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

  Stunned, The Scotsman replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

• A professer from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time.

  Red=Cherry
  Green=Lime
  Orange=Orange
  Yellow=Lemon

  Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"

  Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out there assholes"

  This joke was submitted by:
  Renee Rocher

• This one time three men, a French guy, an Italian guy and a Mexican where on a budget airline flight. So budget in fact that the plane doesn't land at their destination, they must jump.

  Two hours into the flight the French guy was tired of waiting, so he stuck out his hand to see where he was, "Were in France" he yelled, "I can feel the Eifel Tower" and he jumped home.

  Three hours after that the Italian guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "Yeah, We're in Rome, I touched the Collisium!" and he exited the plane.

  Another few hours later the Mexican guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "At last, I must be in Mexico, because someone's just stole my watch"

• After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
  
  "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
  
  After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
  
  He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
  
  The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

• One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

  Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

  So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

  For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

  Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

• Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

  He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

  Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

  Billy shakes his head as YES.

  Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

  Billy shakes his head YES.

  He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

  When he gets there he askes this guy...

  "Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Casandra / Bone

• Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

  "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

  The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

  The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

  There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

  The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

• Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

  The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

  Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

  The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

• "No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

  "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

  "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

  "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

  An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

  When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

  "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

  A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

  "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

  "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

  "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

  "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

  "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

  "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

  "How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

  "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":

  "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

  "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

  "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

  "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

  "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

  "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

  "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"

  "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

  "In the dark? Follow the Son."

  "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

  "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

• A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

  The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

  One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

  The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

  The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

  They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

  The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

  The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

  Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

  The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

• Wee Hughie was dying.

  Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, "Anything I can get you, Hughie?"

  "No" He replied.

  "You must have a last wish, Hughie?" asked his wife.

  Faintly, came the answer. . . "A wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder would be nice"

  "Ach, man... you can't have that" said Maggie, "You know it's for the your funeral".
  

• During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

  The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

  The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

  "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

  The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

  "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

  "Like what?" asked the bartender.

  "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

  The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

  So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

  "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

  The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

  "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

  "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

  With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

  The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

  The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

  The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

  The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

• Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

  So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

  The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

  So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

  He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Andrew J.

• A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

  So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

  So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

  She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

• Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

  The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

  At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

  He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

• A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

  The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

  The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

  The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

• A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

  "Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

  "For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

  "I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

  The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

  The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

  The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

  Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

  The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

• If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
  * You only get laid once.
  * You only get eaten once.
  * It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
  * You share your box with 11 other guys.
  * But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

  So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!

  Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day.

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Angelo S.

• Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

  Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

  Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

  With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

  "Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.

  Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

• There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.

  As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.

  Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.

  She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.

  After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.

  She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.

  After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area

  Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."

  With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.

  B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"

• The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

  A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

  The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

  "Shit" said the hypnotist.

  It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

• A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

  RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

  1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
  2) WON'T RUN AWAY
  3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

  For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

  Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

  Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

  "Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

  "Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

  To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

• An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

  The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

  The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

  The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

  "Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

  "Sure", Says the Englishman.

  The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

  The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

  About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

  The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

  The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

• One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

  The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

  The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

  "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

  The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."