Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:
Lodging ---------- All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation ---------------- Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals ------- Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, Costco, and Sam's Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous --------------- All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.Q:How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?
A:All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the AD (agg. demand) to the rightQ: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Smash it!Q; How many central bank economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one -- he holds the lightbulb and the whole earth revolves around him.Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven, plus/minus ten.Q:How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given.Q. What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's?
A. The economist is the one with the calculator.Q:Why did God create economists ?
A:In order to make weather forecasters look good.Q: Why did the economist cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.Q. What does an economist do?
A. A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.Q: "How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"What is an economist?"
"A flunkie mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that's not important and don't ask what a Kangaroo is."
"I don't know, how many?"
A: "10 economists and one grad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one grad student to screw it on, and five economists trying to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them.Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?
Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You
can award yourself extra points for creative execution.
ONE-POINT GAGS
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must
be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry,
I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled
fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness,
I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.Three men were discussing their careers and the vehicles they drove.
"I'm a veterinarian", said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vette'.
The men smiled in amusement.
The second man continued, "I run a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon".
The men smiled and the first two now looked at the third to hear his answer. However, the third man was unusually quiet. The first two men prodded him to answer since they had each given theirs.
"Well", he finally spoke, "I'm a proctologist and I have a brown Probe."1. First day on the job, I got up from my desk, walked 5 feet to a water fountain, took a drink, and walked back. PHB screamed "Are you on break?!!". I just looked, shutdown my computer and walked away. Moral of the story -- Don't yell at the only network admin
2. Two hours into my first professional job, my new boss introduced me to a group as "Lorin, who worked at company X for seven years." I looked at her funny and said I'd never worked there. She shrieked, "My God, I hired the wrong person!"
3. First day on the job, boss asks you to write down your list of hobbies. Why? Because he wanted to hand them back at the end of the year, to remind you what you used to do when you had free time.
4. Big news on the morning radio as you drive in the first day: New company acquired by old company!
5. New company, My first day on the job I was served with a subpoena in a discrimination suite.
6. After I accepted my old job they didn't get me a computer for two months.... I was a secretary. My boss's boss had a nervous
breakdown & left after 3 months. My desk & chair arrived after 2 years & the director never knew who I was.
7. Fresh paint around the hole where the bullet exited through your cubile wall
8. At the end of your first week of work enough "old timers" have quit that you have the most senority in your department.
9. The CFO asks if he could borrow a few bucks till payday
10. Sign over door says "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"
11. When I came in the second day by new boss looked at me and gleefully said "Oh good!!! You came back!!!"
12. The guy who hired you is fired the next day.
13. Your new boss introduces you to your new coworkers saying "Here's our latest victim, she'll be trying to clean up the team's 9-month backlog. Hope she lasts longer than all the others."
14. When you actually know all there is to know by day two. And your co-workers are asking you for instructions..
15. All the other employees have the same last name as the boss
16. Your boss says "You're my naughty little puppy now!"
17. "What do you need your own computer for? Can't you just share with the secretary?" Ummmm, how the hell does a tech writer write without their own computer??? HELLO??
18. Sorry, we forgot you were starting today. Here is a folding chair and table. We'll try to get you a phone by next week.
19. You find out your first day that the happy, productive employees you met during the interview were actors hired by the company so you couldn't meet the REAL employees
20. The lobby is full of people in team jackets with DEA, FBI, ATF, etc. talking to their collars.
21. Satan comes around to your cubicle to point and laugh at you very very often
22. The fire drill isn't a drill.
23. HR tells you to bring your own toilet paper.
24. All your new cow-workers carry Mace.
25. coworkers nickname you "Fresh Meat"
26. you boot up your computer, and find that the previous person to occupy your position had set his suicide note as his Desktop background.
27. When you get to work and a drill sgt. comes up and gets in your face and screams, "Your butt is mine for the next 10 weeks!!"Company Director to Board Chairman: If any new ideas come up while I am out of the meeting for a brief phone call, my vote is 'No.'
Under the Freedom of Information Act & the Federal Privacy Act of 1999, I understand that my work performance is being evaluated. I have the right to review and discuss differences in order to resolve them and I have the right to request amendment to and/or modification of my review.
________________________________________
KNOWLEDGE OF JOB:
__ The son of a bitch really knows his
Shit.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only has half a brain & is dangerous.
__ F##cking brain damaged! A dirt sample
has a higher I.Q.
________________________________________
ACCURACY ON THE JOB:
__ Does excellent work if not
preoccupied with pussy.
__ Pretty good, occasionally blows it.
__ Has to take his shoes off to count
higher than ten.
__ Couldn't count his BALLS & get the
same answer twice!
________________________________________
ATTITUDE TO CO-WORKERS:
__ Extremely cooperative (kisses ass
often).
__ Brown noser in POOR standing.
__ Often pisses-off co-workers (thinks
it is his job).
__ Doesn't give a SHIT! Never has,
never will!
_______________________________________
RELIABILITY:
__ A very dependable little cocksucker.
__ Can rely on him at EVALUATION time.
__ Can rely on him to be the FIRST one
out the f##cking door.
__ Totally f##cking worthless!
_______________________________________
PERSONAL APPEARANCE:
__ Extremely neat, even combs his pubic
hair!
__ Looks great at evaluation time.
__ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch.
__ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow
him!
________________________________________
ON THE JOB PERFORMANCE:
__ Goes like hell, if there's money in
it.
__ Works like crazy around evaluation
time.
__ Must set him on fire to get him
working!
__ Couldn't do less work if he was in a
coma!
________________________________________
LEADERSHIP ABILITIES:
__ Carries a chainsaw and gets good
results.
__ Occasionally gets told to F##k OFF!
__ Mary Poppins tells him to GET F##ked!
__ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves
to meat.
________________________________________
I understand that I have been evaluated:
Signed/Date: _____________________The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
Submitted by Rohit.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 15 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman
charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.
After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him."
"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.
"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"Q: What is the difference between a waitress and a toilet seat?........A: A toilet waits on one *ssh*le at a time.
A guy walked into a bar and started to dial on his hand like it was a phone and started to talk into it. The bartender comes up to him and says, "what are you doing?""This is a bad neighbor hood and if anyone sees you doing that their gonna beat you up."The guy says "oh no, my hand is a phone."The bartender just shakes his head and says. "whatever,"The guy goes to the bathroom and is in there a long time and the bartender gets worried and goes in and checks up on him, he gets in there sees the guy with his pants down and a toilet paper roll shoved up his butt, the bartender thinking something bad had happened so he goes "Are you okay? What happen? Were you raped? what happened?"And the guy goes, "Oh no I'm just receiving a fax."
Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you're ready.
Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!
Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don't feel left out.
The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.
Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they're busy.
The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.
To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb" sign. When other people use them they're only joking.
Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you've got something to hide.
If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.
Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.
Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you're still there.
If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 2000
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.
Entertainment
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.Top reasons to study Economics
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
6. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."
Here are the latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the late '90's office environment.
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming up stream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested documentation could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls and subdivisions, as in "We were so lost in generica, I forgot what city we were in."
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sue, my ... um ... friend."Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's Laws: 1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it. 4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. 5) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 7) The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.
Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.
Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Finagle's Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
Error is often more earnest than truth.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never tell them what you wouldn't do.Job Interview Question
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."Customer: 'But if it costs $10 to make these watches, and you sell them for $10, where does your profit come in?"
Shopkeeper: ' From repairing them.An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"a guy walks into a dildo shop and says can i get the rubber one and he goes home and then he comes back to the shop and says it wont fit can i have the metal on and then he gose home and comes back and says this one keeps falling off so he says can i have the really long one then he comes back the next day and says see that girl on the monten bing goter
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman
The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman
Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly as "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice versa.")
Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.Any change looks terrible at first.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert, in Scott Adams' "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's Big Book of Business"
Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion.
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any line, however short, is still too long.Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean they are not out to get you.Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.Just when you get really good at something, you don’t need to do it anymore.Just when you think you’ve won the rat race, along come faster rats.Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.Leakproof seals will.Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Viet Nam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we'll get you started."
The guy says "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?"
"Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"One night a policeman saw a macroeconomist looking for something buy a lightpole.
He asked him is had had lost something there.
The economist said, "I lost my keyes over in the alley."
The policeman asked him why he was looking by the lightpole.
The economist responded, "it's a lot easier to look over here."How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part."Q: What's the difference between a dead lawer in the middle of the road and a dead rattlesnake in the middle of the road?
A: There is skid marks before the snakeA magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager,Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
11. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and a word circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
12. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?
They don't become so attached to the lawyers.Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor
it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me
on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half
of 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct
of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I
know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am
confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like
you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note
that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
the number of button presses required to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to
my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will
be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the
phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call
is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still
sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time
the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the
call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at
home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a
password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This
month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably
know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter
of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been
quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.
This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time
spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in
the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be
passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody
Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but
again following your example, I must also levy an establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Best Wishes,
Your humble clientA yellow labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him.
After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor she asks the dog to leave his resume and call back in an hour.
The dog places his resume on the counter and walks out.
As soon as the dog leaves she calls the Circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.
"Of course," says the owner, "send him down."
An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.
To which the dog replies, "What does the circus want with a carpenter?"Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling across the street at each other from their apartment windows.
Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist.
And why is that, inquired his companion,
Why, of course, because they are arguing from different premises.A mathematician, a theoretical economist and an econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn't really exist) in a closed room with the lights off:
The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital.
The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme accuracy.
The econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spend one hour looking for the black cat that doesn't exits and shouts from inside the room that he has it catched by the neck."Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?Why dont dracules have eney friends because there a pain in the neck!!! !!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!!!
A MAN WAS SLEEPING IN HIS HOUSE. SUDDENLY YAMARAJ APPEARED & SAID, "GO OUT & ENJOY. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS."
HE DID SO & MET WITH AN ACCIDENT & DIED.
ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN IS THE HELL....SAW YAMARAJ WHISTLING N RELAXING. HE ASKED YAMRAJ, WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME.
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"SORRY SON, Appraisal time, HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET..."Ur mama so fat that she has to do the matrix to get out of the car
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for what they don't want.
The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!
The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor
The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
I think...therefore I am confused.
I will get it done when I get it done!
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. - Lee Iacocca
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau
If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters’ place.
They put up a big bold sign which read:
“WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
“WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS”
Submitted by Rohit.
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
Bad news drives good news out of the media.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor.
Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst
Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. if it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, 'This is where your problem is!' The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers!
-- Jay LenoAn answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
But:
Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Nerds win!It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's Good Enough For Government Work.
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.
The definition of "waste": a busload of economists plunging over a precipice with three of the seats unoccupied.
A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks: will this cure my illness? Answer of the doctor: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.
An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.
"I'm thinking of leaving my husband," complained the economist's wife."All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."
Tariff -- A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
"I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard to say.
"My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a deep depression."
Q: Why is advice so cheap?
A: Because supply always exceeds demand.About a decade ago American government realizes that they are to be beaten by other countries in the automotive sector if they don't put their heads together. Then they decide to deploy a council to make a research.
The group visits a Japanese car factory and notice something strange. Everywhere in the factory, there are lots of cats wandering around. One of the American group members asks the general manager of the factory about the cats. He replies; -we put a cat into each completed product at nights, then if one is alive next morning, that means there is something wrong with the isolation of that unit, so we unassemble it and fix it. Americans were amazed...
Then it was time to see what it was like in Turkey, they came to TOFAS factory for their search. And they were again surprised as they saw cats like they used in Japan and they asked again about the cats. General manager's answer was ; -we put a cat in each completed unit at night, if it the cat is missing in the morning ,it means we have some problem with the isolation of that unit.A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?' The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it doesn't work, expand it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is good, they will stop making it.
If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.Ten things to do with a graduate Economics textbook
1. Press pretty flowers.
2. Press pretty insects.
3. Use it as paper weight on your already overcluttered desk.
4. Leave out in obvious places to impress uninformed undergraduates.
5. Mail to the White House as an intimidation tactic.
6. Give it a walk-on part in a boring European existentialist play.
7. Just throw the lousy thing away.
8. Leave out for the rain and other forces of nature to reckon with.
9. Read it, and weep.
10. Get a refund from bookstore so you can buy a weekend's beer supply.The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver.">Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullshit
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere elseBoucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.
Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
Boyle's Laws: (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination. (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally. (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to know. (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original. (6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly. (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. (8) Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. (9) Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. (10) If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges. (11) The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. (12) Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability. (13) The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the postmortems. (14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. (15) On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes will never decrease. - Charles P. Boyle, Goddard Space Flight Center, NASA
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee; that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Brilliant's Law Of Limited Ambition: If you can't learn how to do it well, learn how to enjoy doing it poorly.
Brilliant's Observation On Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad.Q: What do you call a little girl in a brown dress who is running across a playground?
A: A brownian motion.Q: Why do social workers refuse to sleep with economists?
A: They have learned its a sunk cost.Q: Why do Economists provide estimates of inflation to the nearest tenth of a percent?
A: To prove they have a sense of humour.Q: What does it take to be a good economist?
A: An unshakeable grasp of the obvious!Q: What is a recent economics graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries sir?Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major?
A: Opportunity CostQ: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Just one, but it really gets screwed.
2. One to prepare the proposal, an econometrician to run the model, one each MS and PhD students to write the theses and dissertations, two more to prepare the journal article (senior authorship not assigned), four to review it, and at least as many to refine the model and replicate the results.Q: Why do economists carry their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in the (morally/intellectually) handicapped parking.Q: How can you tell when an economist is lying?
A: His lips are moving.Q: Why won't sharks attack economists?
A: Professional courtesy.Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist?
A: An offer you can't understand.Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need a whole department of them just to prepare the research grant.Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.
Never buy from a rich salesman.
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Never invest in anything that eats.
Never kick a man unless he's down.There is also a joke about the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union.
After the tanks and the troops and the planes and the missiles rolled by there came ten men dressed in black.
"Are they Spies?" Asked Gorby?
"They are economists," replies the KGB director, "imagine the havoc they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans"Version 1:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
"My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G.E. stock NOW!!!"
Version 2:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two all up. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
“I’m the Boss!”
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
Submitted by Rohit.
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!A rather strange guy walked into a shoe store wanting to buy some new alligator shoes. The clerk quoted a price of $250.00.
The guy replied, "This is an outrage. There is no way I will pay that kind of money for a pair of shoes. I can shoot an alligator and get shoes for less than that."
The clerk answered, "Well, lady, I think you should do that."
Later that day, the clerk was driving through the bayou and found the guy standing waist deep in the swamp with a rifle pointed at a huge, mean-looking alligator swimming toward her. She pointed the gun and shot it, then dragged it out of the water.
The clerk was surprised to see a good 20 dead alligators lying on their backs. The blonde rolled the alligator over she had just shot and exclaimed, "DARN! That one isn't wearing shoes either!"A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.
He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife pours him a cup of coffee.
With his head in his hand, he asks "Damn, honey." "What happened last night?"
She replies, "It wasn't a pretty sight."
He asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well" she replies, "You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset."
"He was", he moans.
"Yes" she replies, "He sure was."
"Aahhh, PISS ON HIM!" he says.
"You did," she replies. "Honey, You got fired last night."
"I got fired?" he questions.
"Yes" she answers "You got fired"
"Aahhh, F**K HIM!" he says.
She replies, "I did, you start back Monday morning!"An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some. To his surprise they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago! When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American's team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.Folks came from afar just to see
Two Economists who'd agreed to agree.
While the event did take place,
It proved a disgrace;
They agreed one plus one adds to three.
Author: Robley E. GeorgeDid you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right.""What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?""Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself."Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know.""Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed."In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.
The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
Thank YouBefore going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time you have, whichever is less.
When in doubt, use brute force.
When in trouble, delegate.
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.Dinosaur #1: "How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Dinosaur #2: "What is an economist?"
Dinosaur #1: "A flunkie mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that's not important and don't ask what a Kangaroo is."
Dinosaur #2: "I don't know, how many?"
Dinosaur #1: "10 economists and one grad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one grad student to screw it on, and five economists trying to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them.The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.
He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here, lets me sleep with her."Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Some see things as they are and ask 'why?'; I dream of things that never were and ask 'why not?'" - George Bernard Shaw
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.
Stay in with the outs.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can."
The professor said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."
The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.
The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're you're finished with, you will need it instantly.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.
When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or a hamster, with things about it that you're dissatisfied with and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without the almost risk of setting off disastrous events that you hadn't counted on in other, remote parts. If you want to fix something you are first obliged to understand, in detail, the whole system, and for very large systems you can't do this without a very large computer. Even then, the safest course seems to be to stand by and wring hands, but not to touch. Intervening is a way of causing trouble. - Lewis Thomas, from the essay "On Meddling" in the collection "The Medusa and the Snail", The Viking Press, New York, 1979
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are right be logical, when you are wrong befuddle.
When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.
When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.Hey did you hear?
U.P.S and Fed-EX are merging. There going to call it Fed-UpTwo Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"We've just been informed that the Internal Revenue Service has simplified its 1040 formsfor next year in the spirit of becoming a "kinder, gentler" IRS. It goes like this:(A) How much did you make last year?______(B) How much do you have left?___________(C) Send in amount on line B.
A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.
He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife pours him a cup of coffee.
With his head in his hand, he asks "Damn, honey." "What happened last night?"
She replies, "It wasn't a pretty sight."
He asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well" she replies, "You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset."
"He was", he moans.
"Yes" she replies, "He sure was."
"Aahhh, PISS ON HIM!" he says.
"You did," she replies. "Honey, You got fired last night."
"I got fired?" he questions.
"Yes" she answers "You got fired"
"Aahhh, F**K HIM!" he says.
She replies, "I did, you start back Monday morning!"Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy analysis.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
14. A room temperature IQ.
15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
22. Fell out of the family tree.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. He is so dense, light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.
34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hall's Laws of Politics: 1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. 3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
Harp's Corollary To Estridge's Law: Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more incompatible with every passing moment.Folks came from afar just to see
Two Economists who'd agreed to agree.
While the event did take place,
It proved a disgrace;
They agreed one plus one adds to three.Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”.
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies “Canned or frozen?”
Submitted by Rohit.
Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.Never buy from a rich salesman.Never do anything you wouldn’t be caught dead doing.Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.Never eat prunes when you are famished.Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.Never invest in anything that eats.Never kick a man unless he’s down.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.Things are more like today than they ever were before.Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.Things get worse under pressure.Things go right so they can go wrnog.Thinking is hard work. One can’t bear burdens and ideas at the same time.This "law" has been intentionally left blank.This "law" was inadvertently left blank.This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.This space for rent.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All general statements are false; think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake.Rossi was the manager of an upscale men’s wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role.
Rossi looks at Abe’s resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.
Rossi says to Abe, “What chutzpah, if you don’t mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.”
“Well I suppose I am,” Abe replies, “but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”
Submitted by Rohit.
Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.Only a fool can reproduce another fool’s work.Only a mediocre person is always at their best.Only them as knows their own…knows.Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you're ready.
Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!
Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don't feel left out.
The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.
Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they're busy.
The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.
To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb" sign. When other people use them they're only joking.
Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you've got something to hide.
If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.
Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.
Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you're still there.
If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.If you do some acrobatics
with a little mathematics
it will take you far along.
If your idea's not defensible
don't make it comprehensible
or folks will find you out,
and your work will draw attention
if you only fail to mention
what the whole thing is about.
Your must talk of GNP
and of elasticity
of rates of substitution
and undeterminate solution
and oligonopopsony.1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
14. A room temperature IQ.
15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
22. Fell out of the family tree.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. He is so dense, light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.
34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law - If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.
Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.
Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
Office Of Precision Guesswork
Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?" The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician said "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof." The attorney stated "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4." The trader asked "Are you buying or selling?"The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice "What would you like it to be?"
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.
They are all on different limbs at different levels.
Some are climbing up. Some are climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a bunch of assholes.An accountant was walking on the countryside when he found a shepherd who had a lot of sheep. The accountant said to the farmer:"Listen farmer, I can guess how many sheep you have.The farmer started laughing"Oh, dear! I have a lot of sheep. You will not be able to guess how many there are."Lets bet something: if I guess how many sheep you have, you will give me one of your sheep. If I don't, I will pay you $100."Ok, how many there are?"There are exactly 1,354 sheep. The shepherd was shocked:"Incredible! I really have 1,354 sheep. Well, a bet's a bet. You win. Choose the sheep you want."Oh, I will take this one", said the accountant and he took one."Wait for a moment, sir", said the shepherd, "Let's do another bet: if I guess what is your job, you will give me back my sheep, and if I don't, you can take another one"."OK."You are an accountant."Oh, God! That's true. But, how do you know it?"First, give me back my dog, and then I will explain it to you.
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read: Artists' Brains $9/lb Philosophers' Brains $12/lb Scientists' Brains $15/lb Economists' Brains $19/lb Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My those economists' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many economists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!" HA! ... It's a *supply side* joke!
Job Interview Question
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."TO : ALL EMPLOYEES
RE : SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
DATE : 25 MARCH 2xxx
Please be advised that you have been invited to attend the "SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (S.H.I.T.) program which will enable you to attain the highest levels of work quality and productivity in the IT industry. It is our primary objective to equip all employees with more S.H.I.T. than anyone else in the industry.
Employees who have previously undergone this program and are already full of S.H.I.T. are qualified to train others on the basic rudiments of the program called "BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM" (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). For details, please see :
DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)
Please be warned that any employee who fails to S.H.I.T. will be automatically placed on "DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION & PROBATION of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM" (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.)
Furthermore, any employee who fails to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to take the one month comprehensive course on "EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)
Should you require clarifications on this matter, please direct them to :
HEAD OF TRAINING
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T. )
For your compliance.
Boss-in-General, Special High Intensity Training ( B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
32. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.
33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.
34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.
35. While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.
36. You are reading this from a screen.Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the first, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner. "What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."Sayings you'd like to see on office inspirational posters:
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
If at first you don't succeed -- try management.
It's only unethical if you get caught.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Work harder slaves!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If you can read this, you're not working!
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.
Succeed in spite of management.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.After a long day at the computer, Eve Adams, economic consultant opened her mail.
Dear Consultant:
Your firm is currently on the Timber County Environmental Consultant List on file with the Department of Planning and Building Services. Those firms on the list may receive Requests for Proposals from the County acting a lead agency or be selected by a private project applicant to provide supplemental studies in support of an application related to p lanning projects which require the services of a planning consultant.
In order to effectively maintain the consultant list and provide for public interface, it has become necessary to institute a fee of $25.00 for a two year period. It is requested t hat if you wish to remain on the list, please forward a check to this office in the amount of $25.00 made payable to Timber County.
"If $25 gets us on the list, how much will it cost to move to the top of the list?"
Note: This is a quote fro m an actual letter received by a consultant in Chico. Only the county name and the consultant's name have been changed to protect the guilty.10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.
Gilb's Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Glyme's Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Goebel's Law Of Useless Difficulty: Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's worth the effort.Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.
As part of the job interview, each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice.
When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner’s desk. "I want to fatten it up as fast as possible," she said. Sally got the job.Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. - Robert Boyle, 17th century chemist
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
People do not change, they only become more so.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
Bo Diddeley's Observation On The Law: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration: The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.
Demian's Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here".
DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Dr. Caligari's Comeback: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup.Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
Urgency varies inversely with importance.
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Wasting time is an important part of living.A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Make dust or eat dust.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Many are called, but few are at their desks.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.If you want to get along, go along.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.
Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to make a garden. Until he was 72, my father used one and contended that if you knew what you were doing with a good mule, you never needed a hoe for the grass. Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer. Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist.
At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years. After examinations of the available stock and the leanness of his wallet, he only had $125, he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself.
After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."
Jim replies, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's the mule now?"
"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him. Hold on a minute while I get your money for you."
"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in the truck, I'll see if I can recover a little for him at the dog food plant."
Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule dealer happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world Jim managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule and the mule had died on him.
"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize...Gardening Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment"
"From you"
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"Like I said, I got it from you."
"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet it really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"Murphy was an optimist.
My client(sponsor/customer) doesn't know what he wants.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature is a mother.
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
Never be first to do anything.
Never be last.A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."My brother tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school. His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.
His new slogan was:
"No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back!"A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth."No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room."What's going on here?" asked the doctor.Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced,
"Nothing. He's an economist."You often hear people say that they have a "99.9% success rate". Well, if that is acceptable then:
* 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
* 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
* 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
* Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections
* A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds).Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal
secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Columbus Day
and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."An unscrupulous businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal.""Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman. "Do you want to write your will?" "No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."
A store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer.
"No sir,"said the salesman.” We haven't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll be getting any soon."
The manager was horrified and yelled after the departing customer,” Come back next week. We’re sure to have whatever it is you need."
Irate, he turned to his salesman,” Never tell a customer we're out of anything! NOW, WHAT DID HE WANT?"
"Rain,” answered the salesman.How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
Cut the rope.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.Those who live closest arrive latest.Those with the best advice offer no advice.To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.To attract maximum attention, it’s hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.""And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill, "Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don't know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one."
"Not a big deal Boris, I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one."Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of @#$%-ing sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Do I look like a @#$%-ing people person?
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
10. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
15. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
17. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
18. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
19. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
23. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 2?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
29. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
30. Earth is full. Go home.
31. Is it time for your medication or mine?
32. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
33. I plead contemporary insanity.
34. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
35. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
37. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of @#$%.
40. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a @#$%.
41. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
42. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
43. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
44. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
45. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
46. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
47. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don't bet on it.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.
When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally."A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year."
--- Marty AllenTop economist Valentine's Day cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help."Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prizeJoe again looked up and prayed..."Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.Once again, he prayed..."Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"
The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
Take this job and shove it.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor PerformanceA magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager,Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
11. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and a word circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
12. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Wood's Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails.
Woodward's Law: A theory is better than its explanation.
Zall's Laws: First Law - Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. Second Law - How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Zymurgy's First Law Of Evolving System Dynamics Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.: 1) Never judge a day by the weather. 2) The best things in life aren't things. 3) Tell the truth; there's less to remember. 4) Speak softly and wear a loud aloha shirt. 5) Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow never misses. 6) He who dies with the most toys, still dies. 7) Age is relative; when you're over the hill, you pick up speed. 8) There are two ways to be rich: make more or desire less. 9) Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing. 10) No rain, no rainbows.
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hinds' Law Of Computer Programming: 1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 7) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will find an easier way to do it.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are
you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)Seven habits that help produce the anything-but-efficient markets that rule the world by Paul Krugman in Fortune.
1. Think short term.
2. Be greedy.
3. Believe in the greater fool
4. Run with the herd.
5. Overgeneralize
6. Be trendy
7. Play with other people's moneyThree accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer."Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please."The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money) . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all."How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the engineers are hiding.He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.
Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
“Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. “You’ve got to stop them.”
“Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o’clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, “Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?”
“Forget the machines,” says the visitor. “How much do you want for that whistle?”
Submitted by Rohit.
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file. After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath. The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.
The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and give it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. State takes both of them, kill one and spill the milk in system of sewage.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Alternative: A COWSMIC VIEW OF WORLD ORGANIZATION
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.
EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.
EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.
FINNISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax."The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
If you are coasting, you're going downhill.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions, " replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.The following are actual phone calls made to I.R.S. offices across the United States.
----------------------------------------Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
----------------------------------------Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
----------------------------------------Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
----------------------------------------Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (=Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. 'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?' 'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. 'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy.'
A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.
He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife poors him a cup of coffee.
With his head in his hand, he asks "Damn, honey." "What happened last night?"
She replies, "It wasn't a pretty sight."
He asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well" she replies, "You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset."
"He was", he moans.
"Yes" she replies, "He sure was."
"Aahhh, PISS ON HIM!" he says.
"You did," she replies. "Honey, You got fired last night."
"I got fired?" he questions.
"Yes" she answers "You got fired"
"Aahhh, FUCK HIM!" he says.
She replies, "I did, you start back Monday morning!"Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws.
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
Gray's Law of Programming: 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Gummidges's Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.A grocer put up a sign that read “Eggplants, 25¢ each — three for a dollar.”
All day long, customers came in exclaiming:
“Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!”Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?”
“What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”
Submitted by Rohit.
A priest picked up a nice looking nun who was hiking. After a while he by mistake put his hand on her leg and the nun looked him in his eyes and quoted a passage from the bible, so he took his hand away. This was repeated several times.
At home the priest looked up the pasage and read; "My son, you are on the right way....."
Strategic teaching "Keep up with your litterature, else many good opportunities can go bye!"A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.
The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.
The woman asks: will this cure my illness?
The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.jesus walks into a bar and sits down. a guy at one end says bartender give that man a drink on me so the bartender fixes it and after jesus gets done he comes over and touches him and the man replies thx my hand been hurting for ages.... another guy notices and says hey bartender id like to give that man a drink...afterwards jesus ges up and touches him and the man replies thx my spur on my foot has gone away ... meanwhile jesus sitting at the bar and a guy comes in and sits by him and he is happy so he gets jesus a drink so after jesus finishes he reaches out to touch him ...and the man replied dont touch me in drawing the check!!!
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colurful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.
As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair anymore.Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.Office Of Precision GuessworkOld age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.
REASONS FOR ALLOWING DRINKING AT WORK
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Economics is ruining your life when...
- I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner
- I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundlesThere was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.
As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."
The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.
Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars from the floor-especially in the dark.
Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.
Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.
Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:Dear IRS:Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.Sincerely,I. Get screwed Every Year
We've just been informed that the Internal Revenue Service has simplified its 1040 forms for next year in the spirit of becoming a "kinder, gentler" IRS. It goes like this:
(A) How much did you make last year?______
(B) How much do you have left?___________
(C) Send in amount on line B.Never leave hold of what you’ve got until you’ve got hold of something else.Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.Never put all your eggs in your pocket.Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.Never tell them what you wouldn’t do.
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Conway's Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Cooke's Law: In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.
"Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him -- and then that stupid letter arrived!"If you do some acrobatics
with a little mathematics
it will take you far along.
If your idea's not defensible
don't make it comprehensible
or folks will find you out,
and your work will draw attention
if you only fail to mention
what the whole thing is about.
Your must talk of GNP
and of elasticity
of rates of substitution
and undeterminate solution
and oligonopopsony.Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?""I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"
"Well", said the guy, "you see, I am a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cannot help practicing my art!"
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, the guy replied. I work for the IRS. Do you see me f**king the guy in front of me?"I discovered the formula for splitting the Accounting Community ...
E=mc2
Where:
E= Enron
m= material documents
c2= the velocity of shredding documents squaredWhat do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?
A total waste of space!Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions.
Without data, yours is just another opinion.
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it green.
You can always find what you're not looking for.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.The boss called one of his employees into the office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing.
Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.
Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.
Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time.
Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?A young boy Joe, came to pharmacy and asked for condoms, he was a little embarrased so he started to explain: "You know my girl frend has invited me to dinner, so I hope to have some fun in the eavning, as I am staying over night" Then he said "Actualy I could take two more, she has a nice sister and the mother looks good too - you never know."
At the dinner they had prayers and Joe continued to pray, his girlfrend wispering: "I did not know you were religious?" Joe:" I did not know your father is a pharmacist!.
Teaching: "Do not tell your stratgy to outsiders - the whole systen can collapse!"I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"Definition: A manager is a person who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month.
Robots: Our Steel Collar Workers.
Q: What's the difference between Xerox and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band.
Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A: A dependent Claus.
Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors?
A: A superior being.
Q: What is the difference between big foot and a socially responsible banker?
A: Big foot has been sighted.
Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."
Q: How do you confuse a bank teller?
A: Give him a bag of M&M's and tell him to alphabetize them.
Q: Why is a BMW a banker's favorite car?
A: Because he can't spell Porsche.
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude
If bankers can count, how come the average bank has 10 windows and only four tellers?A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they
find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after
lunch."Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
Quality assurance doesn't.
Quit while your still behind.
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night.With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.
The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.
In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.
Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
MANAGEMENTIndecision is the key to flexibility.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is there life before coffee?
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.Bob goes to his friend to ask for advice. Bob tells the friend he is to be audited by the IRS, and is wondering how he shoud dress. Should he wear a suit, so as to look professional, or should he wear old raggedy clothes so that he looks like he has no money and hope that the IRS takes pity on him.
The friend responds, "I'm going to tell you what I told my niece when she was getting married. She came to me and asked if she should wear the most beautiful dress she could find, of if she would be better off wearing a plainer, more subtle dress. I told her, "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed either way."Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill, "Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don't know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one."
"Not a big deal Boris, I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one."The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine
children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million
to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."10. YOU RAISE MY INTEREST RATE THIRTY BASIS POINTS WITHOUT A CORRESPONDING DROPOFF IN CONSUMER ENTHUSIASM
9. DESPITE A DECADE OF INFLATION, I STILL DIG YOUR SUPPLY CURVE
8. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE REMEASURE OUR CROSS-ELASTICITY
7. YOU BRING THE BUTTER, I'LL BRING THE GUN
6. LET'S RAISE HOUSING STARTS TOGETHER
5. FURTHER STIMULUS COULD RESULT IN UNCONTROLLED EXPANSION
4. TELL ME WHETHER MY EXPECTATIONS ARE RATIONAL
3. LET'S ASSUME A RITZY HOTEL ROOM AND A BOTTLE OF DOM
2. YOU STOKE THE ANIMAL SPIRITS OF MY MARKET
1. A LOAF OF BREAD, A JUG OF WINE, AND THOU BESIDE ME WATCHING RUKEYSER.For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2. Came dressed in only a towel...again.
3. Ran out of paper clips.
4. I've decided to telecommute.
5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6. It's a long drive home to Texas.
7. One-day sale at Macy's.
8. My brain is melting!
9. I think they found me out...
10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.Attn: IRS
Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.
Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00.
Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayerA frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do you have for collateral?"
The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant.
Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, "I don't know. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this."
He goes into Mr. Larson's office and comes back.
Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says, "It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan!"A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above
this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now
it's my fault."This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend replies "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and
both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"MEMORANDUM
Re: Rollout of The Micro Manger 2000 Information System
We are please to report that as of today the Micro Manager 2000 is now fully operational and we will be utilizing it as our main Business Operations System.
You will remember we previously exposed MYASS (Millenium Year Application Software System) to you and it has been working perfectly. In order to compliment MYASS we have plugged Micro Manager 2000 into MYASS. The Micro Manager 2000 software at first was not compatible, MYASS aggressively rejected it. But after several attempts of forcing Micro Manager 2000 into MYASS, it seems MYASS realized it had no choice but to accept it.
We will be scheduling you for training on how to fully utilize Micro Manager 2000 as it runs out of MYASS. As you learn to trust and follow the guidelines and rules dictated by Micro Manager 2000 and the complexity there in, you will develop a whole new fondness for MYASS.People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.The following are actual phone calls made to I.R.S. offices across the United States.
------------------Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.IRS: Are you married?Caller: Well, sort of...IRS: What?Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
------------------Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.IRS: What does it say?Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
------------------Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.IRS: Both. It's the same amount.Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
------------------Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.Every morning a man drives to the dock, and Every morning a man takes the ferry to work. One morning he woke up, and had no electricity. He had no idea what time it was, and he thought that he was late for work. So he quickly got dressed, ate breakfast, and rushed out the door. He got to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. So he got a running head start, and jumped as far as he could, and landed on the boat. And the captain of the boat said to him, "You know, if you had waited five minutes, we would have been in."
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the
attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will
see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid
$600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers
(value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the
overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
as noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund
a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5
inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayerA keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the rest of the lemon over.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."There is also a joke about the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union.
After the tanks and the troops and the planes and the missiles rolled by there came ten men dressed in black.
"Are they Spies?" Asked Gorby?
"They are economists," replies the KGB director, "imagine the havoc they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans"For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form.Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *ssh*les.An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old." Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant. "Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!"
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.
Always hire a rich attorney.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!
Ambiguity is invariant.The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.
The explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in.
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is that success equals skill.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts.A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.12 Tips From Workforce to Managers
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and this is good training.
5. If you give me more that one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. Beside, having no life will help prepare me for making partner.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deduction powers will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. None of us have any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form.
Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.
SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.- Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.
"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"10 fun things to do at your local retail store.....
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin, narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,
'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,' and see what happens.If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.Economics is ruining your life when...
- I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner
- I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundlesBUYING PAINT FROM A HARDWARE STORE
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
BUYING PAINT FROM AN AIRLINE
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a
gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available
before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it
right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually
walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and
possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: What?
Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation
of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you
will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above
this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now
it's my fault."The following is a true story.
Following a miserable year, the CEO of a company called all the Project Managers for a performance review meeting. After giving them a piece of his mind, he asked each Manager to present his/her case. One of the Managers gave a long winding speech of excuses on his Project’s performance over which the CEO got irritated and yelled “Just tell me Yes or No”. The Manager coolly said “Yes or No” and sat down!A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects.
The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion".
The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those".1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
14. A room temperature IQ.
15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
22. Fell out of the family tree.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. He is so dense, light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.
34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
An eye-doctor was having his 40-year birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.Eagerly, the doctor removed and looked down on the cake and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes.The guest asked him why he laughed. After some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynaecologist."
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
If at first you don't succeed -- try management.
It's only unethical if you get caught.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Work harder slaves!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If you can read this, you're not working!
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.
Succeed in spite of management.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
It is later than you think.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.
It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.
It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.
It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.
It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.
It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey.
The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500. It knows Visual C++ and
Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
"That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.
"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck between floors and, after some door banging, finally attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and got the manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary: "The elevator people called and will be here in two hours."
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."Your such a kiss-ass your boss bought you a box of chapstick for your birthday.!!! ! ! !! !!!!! ! !!!
10. After three of the questions on the tax form, he's just written "Huh?"9. It takes him a half hour to figure out his tip at Red Lobster.8. He tends to whimper and say, "Numbers are hard!"7. His last client was Nicholas Cage.6. He swears "umpteen" is a real number.5. He checks off the box for "joint filing," then lights one up.4. He keeps insisting, "No, you're wrong! They're due on August 15th!"3. You notice that his calculator is really a TV remote.2. After every number on your tax form, he's written "or so."1. He likes to do his calculating in the nude, so he can count up to 21.
1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.True story: The scene is a conference of professors of marketing. The keynote speaker is an eminent economist. The chairman, who sees himself as a bit of a wag, says,
"I would like to introduce my eminent colleague and friend. He's an economist, one of those people who turn random numbers into mathematical laws."
The economist, not to be outdone, replies, "My friend, here, is a marketer. They reverse the process."
A Swedish contribution: "Economics is like red wine - you shouldn't smell it but drink it, but if you drink too much on one occasion, there is a risk for dizziness"Did you hear about the problems in the Woodworkers Union?
A radical group broke off and formed a splinter group.A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client."
"Great!" said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
The broker said, "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock."A man, called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
"Wear a heavy, long, flannel night-gown that goes right up to your neck."
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.
"Wear your most sexy underwear."
The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear my son, you're going to get screwed."1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possibleAddendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I
noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses,
busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had
to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of
statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons
per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he
proudly explained. I was impressed.
"Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure
enough, there were other waiters and busboys with
strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh,
selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking
through the pocess, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."When the staff go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
CONCLUSION :
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted
to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his
head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets."A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
A little humility is arrogance.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
A man should be greater than some of his parts.There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."SCAM ALERT! WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!
If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue!
The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Please copy this envelope in triplicate according to the guidelines of the "Paperwork Augmentation Act" of 1999 and then tear up all three of these envelopes a hundred pieces and send the pieces to the following address:
IRS, "FORM 1040 - NOT EZ" - Rejected Refunds Division Office 1600, Room 412, Cubicle 13, Desk 7, Filing Cabinet 6, Drawer 3, Space 62, Folder 5 Washington, DC 20000-0000
"FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PAY TAXES"A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"TO : ALL EMPLOYEES
RE : SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
DATE : 25 MARCH 1999
Please be advised that you have been invited to attend the "SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (S.H.I.T.) program which will enable you to attain the highest levels of work quality and productivity in the IT industry. It is our primary objective to equip all employees with more S.H.I.T. than anyone else in the industry.
Employees who have previously undergone this program and are already full of S.H.I.T. are qualified to train others on the basic rudiments of the program called "BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM" (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). For details, please see :
DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)
Please be warned that any employee who fails to S.H.I.T. will be automatically placed on "DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION & PROBATION of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM" (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.)
Furthermore, any employee who fails to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to take the one month comprehensive course on "EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)
Should you require clarifications on this matter, please direct them to :
HEAD OF TRAINING
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T. )
For your compliance.
Boss-in-General, Special High Intensity Training ( B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)Top reasons to study Economics
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
5. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
6. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
7. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
8. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
9. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.
"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?
Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You
can award yourself extra points for creative execution.
ONE-POINT GAGS
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must
be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry,
I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled
fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, d*mn it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness,
I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never volunteer for anything.
Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.
Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.
No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
No man's credit is as good as his money.If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Anything anyone can do badly will be done worse.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."Here are the nine things that look bad on Resume.
1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted.”
6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.
Submitted by Rohit.
How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won\'t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you\'ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I\'m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he\'s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I\'m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can\'t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they\'re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don\'t have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How\'s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don\'t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".
"That should have worked", said the friend."
He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.
"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
Submitted by Rohit.
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Beware the man of one book. - St. Thomas Aquinas
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway.
Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A Coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures. She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera. He agrees and dives in and retrieve its.Upon returning he says to her, "Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?" She replied, "Professor you seem to forget that I'm in your Econ I class, and I don't know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer and come up drier than you."
When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation.Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier."
15. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
16. "He's been working with glue too much."
17. "He would argue with a signpost."
18. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
19. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
20. "When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell."
21. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
22. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
23. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
24. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
25. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
26. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
34. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."When Michelin, Goodyear, and Firestone workers become 65 years old, do they simply quit work, or merely re-Tire?
--- Sir Lawrence BrothertonProfessor at one of the IIM's was explaining marketing concepts to the Students: -
1 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing
2 You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising
3 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing
4 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations
5 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry! Me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback
7 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's demand and supply gap
8 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person comes and tells her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your market share
9 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" Your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets
Regards
Amit.......I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.
The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.
The woman asks: will this cure my illness?
The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
The longer the title the less important the job.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we're done with it.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it's mineral rights.
The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would
portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
Common sense is not so common.
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637
Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confusion creates jobs.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.To:All EmployeesFrom:Human Resources DirectorSubject:Excessive Absences
--------------------------------
Due to the excessive number of absenses from the office, the following rules and procedures will be put into effect beginning immediately.
Sickness
No excuse; we will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we
believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.
Leaves of Absence (for an operation)
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation as we believe that as long as you are an
employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and you should not
consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have
anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
Death (other than your own)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and we are sure that someone else with a lessor position can tend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Death (your own)
This will be accepted as an excuse but we would like a two week notice, as
we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
Also, entirely too much time is spent in the restroom. In the future we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
those whose names beginning with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15, "B" will go
from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
Nobody wants to read anyone else’s formulas.Nobody told me.Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.Nothing can be done in one trip.Nothing ever comes out as planned.Nothing is as easy as it looks.Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.
The Last One's Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator.
Law Of The Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
The Law Of The Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.
Robert E. Lee's Truce: Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.Three businessmen were having dinner at a club. When it came time to pay the check, each grabbed for it.
"It's a business expense," said one.
"I'll pay," said the second. "I'm on cost plus."
"Let me have it, "argued the third. "I'm filing for bankruptcy next weekBy the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.
By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve hours a day. - Robert Frost
Cant produces countercant.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chipped dishes never break.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.Peter's Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence.
Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
Putts-Brooks Law: Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.
Quigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything."
"Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks - one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a State Teacher's Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects.
The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion".
The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those".If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.
If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'
Interchangable parts won't.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howling in agony for 30 minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said,"Now it's my turn to kick you."The Scotsman said, "Nah, keep the egg."
Economic computer viruses
INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.
MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.
MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense."
CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt.
NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it.
Don't blame me; nobody asked my opinion.
Don't do today that which can be put off till tomorrow.
Don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
Don't get lost in the shuffle, shuffle along with the lost.
Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - Bo Diddley
Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
Don't make your doctor your heir.
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:
"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business.""I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.
A penny saved has not been spent.
A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.Acheson's Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson
Action's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.
Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.
Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen
Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.
Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you
into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't
like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
Excuses are like bodies; everybody has one!
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Extremes meet.
Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is garbage.An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.""Have you tried counting sheep?""That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.
Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.
"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, "I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!""I should have listened to my mother and became a plastic surgeon. Two hundred and fifty grand a year, and up to my neck in tits and ass."
--Jack Colton: Romancing the Stone (movie)if u not pay the tax u will be hanged, Oh hanged, then ok. i am waiting for that.
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank
10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.
9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.
8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.
7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English.
6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.
5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.
4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.
3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.
1. Four words: Bank President Rosa LopezTo get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.
Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.
Trust everybody...then cut the cards.
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Two heads are more numerous than one.Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I
noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses,
busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had
to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of
statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons
per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he
proudly explained. I was impressed.
"Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure
enough, there were other waiters and busboys with
strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh,
selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking
through the pocess, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use my spoon."Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.
Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988)
Self starters...will not.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary. "Two weeks ago," he said, "was my forty fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "good morning" let along "Happy Birthday".
I said "well that's wives for you", the children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, Janet said "Good morning boss - Happy Birthday". I felt a little better, someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon she knocked on my door and said "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and I." I said "by George that is the greatest thing I have heard all day, lets go".
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said "you know it's such a beautiful day, we don't have to go back to the office, do we?"
I said "no, I guess not."
She said "let's go to my apartment." We enjoyed another martini and smoked a cigarette, and she said "boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
I assured her I didn't mind at all.
She went into the bedroom and in about five minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there I sat with nothing on but my socks!When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace". The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?"
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there isn't a law, there will be.
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.
If things were left to chance, they would be better.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!
If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.
If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace
Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become
Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to
become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All
Mine.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to
become Knott NOW.Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."
Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."
MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"
Iguana: "The other green meat."
Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"
Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"
Trojans: "Just add meat."
Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.
Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.
Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!
Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."
Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist.
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"
Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say.
Q: What do economists and computers have in common?
A: You need to punch information into both of them.
Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea?
A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.
Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?
A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.
NATURAL RATE OF UNEMPLOYMENT: Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Q: Why did the market economist cross the road?
A: To reach the consensus forecast.
Q: What does an economist use when calculating constant-dollar estimates?
A: Deflator mouse
Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.
Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the wage rate.
Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about five years.
Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - the market has already discounted the change.
Q: How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb?
A: All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the aggregate demand to the right.
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.
When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation.
Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven plus or minus ten.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Irrelevant - the light bulb's preferences are to be taken as given.
Q: What's the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with Alzheimer's?
A: The economist is the one with the calculator.
Q: What's the difference between economists and businessmen?
A: The first don't keep their feet on the ground; the latest use to keep their four feet in the ground
Given 1000 economists, there will be 10 theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory is the *correct* one, and everyone will still be in the dark.
Q: Why did God create economists?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
Q: What does an economist do?
A: A lot in the short run, which amounts to nothing in the long run.
Two economists meet on the street.
One inquires, "How's your wife?"
The other responds, "Relative to what?"
To an economist, real life is a special case.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.
Economists have forecasted nine out of the last five recessions.
When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite.
Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved assumption to a foregone conclusion."
Q: Why has astrology been invented?
A: So that economy could be an accurate science.A client inquired about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the prices, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She asked about several hotels, none of which the travel agent could find. The agent finally had her FAX a list. To the agent's suprise it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and the New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when the agent called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
A women called a travel agent and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
A businessman called with a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the agent reminded him he needed a Visa. "Oh no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." The agent doubled checked, and sure enough, his stay required a Visa. When I told him he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express."You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him.
You never find an article until you replace it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never want the one you can afford.
You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.
You want it when?
You will always find something in the last place you look.A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."
If you cannot fix it, feature it.
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don't know any other language.
Real programmers don't notch their desks for each completed service request.
Real programmers don't number paragraph names consecutively.
Real programmers print only clean compiles.
Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.
Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.
Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.Two monologues do not make a dialogue.Two rules to success in life: 1. Don’t tell people everything you know.Two wrongs are only the beginning.Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.Urgency varies inversely with importance.Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.Virtue is its own punishment.Wasting time is an important part of living.
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The man says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and asksy, "Why? How big is the teapot?"Bill attended a party where he met an old acquaintance, “Hello, Sam,” he said. “How’s your clothing business? I heard you lost a lot on that fall shipment of dresses.”
“That’s right,” Sam responded.
“And you almost went bankrupt.”
“That’s true too.”
“But I understand you made a big profit on another shipment and wound up having a pretty good season after all.”
“That’s correct. Then I guess you heard all about it, Bill.”
“Yeah,” Bill answered, “but this is the first time I’m hearing all the details.”A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?' The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'
I won't be coming to work today because: ______________________
1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
4. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank
manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who
I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will
be tried as soon as we catch him."Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.
Create a need and fill it.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Dare to be average.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, “State reason this item is needed,” so I asked him why he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be “My old copy is lost” or “The cover is falling off.” Instead he replied, “My edition defines spaceship as an ‘imaginary aircraft.’” He got his new dictionary.
Submitted by Rohit.
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise
visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he
noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post."Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner
angrily."Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and
said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come
back!"Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has
that lazy bum been working here anyway?""He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just
here to deliver a pizza!"The Equation
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work = Power * Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work = Knowledge * Money
Solving for Money, we get:WorkMoney = ---------- Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
Flo Capp's Observation: The next best thing to doing something smart is not doing something stupid.
Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flucard's Corollary: Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a 'rush job,' run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.Economic computer viruses
INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.
MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.
MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense."
CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt.
NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.
The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.
The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.How can we balance the budget overnight?
Easy. Put a tax on sex.Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 - When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 - When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 - Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 - Apply Rule 1.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. LewisWe are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.We don’t have the time or money to do it right, but we’ll have time and money to do it over again.We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.We’ll worry about that when we get there.We’re making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.We’ve always done it that way!Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discovery
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.
The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
Thank YouCan you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.! ! ! ! !!
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you.
Believing is seeing.
Better latent than never.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister
Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.I love my Job
"Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests.
'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.'
'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he?'"Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes: First Law - Any pre-cut equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with expensive connectors at both ends. Second Law - If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available. Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational Field") - Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot. Fourth Law - When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Fifth Law - Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Sixth Law - A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if it does oscillate at all. Seventh Law - When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.
Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."In the beginning, there was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers And they spoke among themselves saying, "It's a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy. And this is how sh*t happens.Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.
So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"
"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight,
what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."Overheard: "Funny , my boss calls it a day only when it becomes a night."
Dinosaur #1: "How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Dinosaur #2: "What is an economist?"
Dinosaur #1: "A flunkie mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that's not important and don't ask what a Kangaroo is."
Dinosaur #2: "I don't know, how many?"
Dinosaur #1: "10 economists and one grad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one grad student to screw it on, and five economists trying to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them.Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
A: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.Never volunteer for anything.Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.No good deed goes unpunished.No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.No man’s credit is as good as his money.
These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier."
15. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
16. "He's been working with glue too much."
17. "He would argue with a signpost."
18. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
19. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
20. "When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell."
21. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
22. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
23. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
24. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
25. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
26. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
28. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
31. "One neuron short of a synapse."
32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
33. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
34. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.
The last severe depression and banking crisis could not have been achieved by normal civil servants and politicians, it required economists involvement.
Contagion: A strory demostrating the possible outcomes from interlinkages in the financial markets.
Two economists sit down to play chess. They study the board for 24 hours and declare a stale-mate.
Q: What does it take to be a good economist?
A: An unshakeable grasp of the obvious!
Q: What's the difference between mathematics and economics?
A: Mathematics is incomprehensible; economics just doesn't make any sense.
An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major?
A: Opportunity cost
The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.
The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen
I don't think you can spend yourself rich. - George Humphrey
If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. - George Bernard Shaw
An economist is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Tariff -- A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
Economists are people who are too smart for their own good and not smart enough for anyone else's.
Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. - Yogi Berra
Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
Billing's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings
Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess. - Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute
Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, it's exhausting. - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"
Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy: (1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder. - James H. Boren, Founder, President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!".WILL WORK FOR FOOD!
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Now until the end of the month, as a bonus, we will include a wooden crutch with each order just in case someone actually asks you to do some work.A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -
"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!"Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! !No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back.
No matter which way you go, it's always uphill and against the wind.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No real problem has a solution.
No two identical parts are exactly alike.
Nobody notices the big errors.
Nobody notices when things go right.ECONOMISTS do it at bliss pointECONOMISTS do it cyclicallyECONOMISTS do it in an Edgeworth BoxECONOMISTS do it on demandECONOMISTS do it risk-free (in reference to the risk-free interest rate)ECONOMISTS do it with a dualECONOMISTS do it with an atomistic competitorECONOMISTS do it with crystal ballsECONOMISTS do it with interest
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.Waitress walks up to a man and says "Hi, May I take your order please?"
The man replies, "Yes, can I get the turtle soup please."
The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead.
He calls for the waitress and says, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?""Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."Once there was a Scottish Accountant. The business had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear.
His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell.
Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs.
When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step.
"Aye, big job that". said the stonemason, "But I suppose I could give you a new step for a hundred pounds"
The accountant was stunned. "Are you daft, man. I canna pay you a hundred pounds! Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: "What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new square step?
The stonemason hesitated. "20 pounds".
"Do it!" demanded the accountant, "and call me when you're done."
The accountant went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the bell.
As the accountant opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step, laughing as he said "Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago!!"What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman pinscher.!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK...They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.
"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?" asked the guard.
"To visit my mother, Sir."
"Step inside. You will be searched" ordered the guard.
The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.
This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.
Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.
One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.
"The War is over now", said the guard "and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren't you."
"Yes, of course" replied the young man.
"But what were you smuggling?"
The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled. "Bicycles" he replied.Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.
Those who live closest arrive latest.
Those with the best advice offer no advice.
To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.
To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?
Have you flogged your crew today?
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat."Give me a one-armed economist!" demanded President Harry S. Truman.
President Truman was the first president to appoint a council of economic advisers. Unlike some later presidents, he actually liked to liste n to his policy advisers. However, he preferred a clear recommendation, not a long discussion of the advantages a nd disadvantages of a particular course of action.
He quickly grew tired of economist who gave a good recommendation, and then began, "O n the other hand. . ."A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
"My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
"Well, yes, I guess I would."
"How about $100?"
"What kind of person do you think I am?"
"My Dear, we have already established that. We are merely haggling over the price!"The hair-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to give a report on his first week at work.
"Well, how'd you do?" asks the manager.
"Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth." replied the salesman.
"Two!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that way."
"Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my toothbrutheth."
The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick."
The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?"
The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and motivate your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan, something to make your customer feel a need for your product or service."
The salesman goes, "Hmm, I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick." The salesman returns at the end of the next week to give his report.
The manager asks, "Well son, how'd you do this week?"
The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth."
The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?"
The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick."
The manager excited now, says, "Well out with it son. What's your gimmick? We need to pass this on to the rest of the staff. We'll make millions!"
The salesman says, "Well thir, I found me a real bithy thtreet corner and I thet up a table and a chair. On the table I put out thum chipth and dip. People would come up to the corner waiting to croth the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while your waiting, how about thun chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!' Then they would take a chip, get 'em thum dip and thtart to eat it. Then they would say, 'Hey thith tath like thit!' I would say, 'It ith thit. Want to buy a toothbruth?'If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
It works better if you plug it in.The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced,
"Nothing. He's an economist."One day a man walked into the main library of a major research university. He stopped at the reference desk and asked the librarian if she had any current books about economics and the economy.
She answered that she did, and led the man to the reference shelves where the economics and economy books were.
To the surprise of both the librarian and the man all of the books were off the shelf being used.
"That's OK," the man said. "I'll just go to another library. You see, I'm a very busy man, and I set this weekend aside for studying economics and the economy."
The librarian said she understood and gave the man directions to the nearest research library. But her interest piqued, she asked: "Why are you so urgent to study economics and the economy?"
The man replied: "I'm an economist. I've been teaching at this university for the past ten years. I'm attending a business meeting on Monday, and I figure the economy has changed in the past ten years."He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.
Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"
When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"
Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."A driver, parked in an illegal zone, tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.Lead us not into temptation."
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they p*ssed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wenesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to p*ss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work.
People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work.
Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work.
Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers.
Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work.
There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers.
However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000 to do the work.
Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?
A: Too early to say.Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea ?
A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?
A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.Q: Why did the market economist cross the road?
A: To reach the consensus forecast.Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.
A2: Two. One to assume the existence of latter and one to change the bulb.Q: How many neo-classical economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on the wage rate.Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A4. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
A5. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!
A6. None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.Q: How many Wharton MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I've also been named to the Wharton Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time.Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about 5 years.Q: How many investors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - the market has already discounted the change.An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.
Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!
Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."
An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, and he said, "Of course not!" But then why do you keep it? "Well," he said, "it works whether you believe in it or not."
A mathematical economist came sailing by on an ice boat, and pulled to the shore beside the surf-fishing economist to scoff. "You'll never catch any fish that way," said the mathematical economist. "Jump on my ice-boat and we'll go trawling."
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"
A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The chemist says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!A wealthy labor economist had an urge to have grandchildren. He had two daughters and two sons and none of them had gratified his desire for a grandchild. At the annual family gathering on Thanksgiving Day, he chided them gently to bless his old age with their progeny. "But I haven't given up hope," he said, "Yesterday I went to the bank and set up a one hundred thousand dollar trust fund to be given to the first grandchild that I have. Now we will all bow our heads while I say a prayer of thanks." When he looked up, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.It's not easy being an economist. How would you like to go through life pretending you knew what M1 was all about?There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.
Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing
the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.
Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost." (Say it out loud).
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colurful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.
As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"An investment banker was on the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. His boat was full of beautiful yellow tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch, asking how long it took to catch. The fisherman replied "only a short time." The banker asked why not stay out and catch more. The fisherman replied,
"I've enough fish to feed my family."
The banker then asked what did the fisherman do with the rest of his time, he replied, "I will sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar, I have a full and busy life."
The banker was not impressed. "I have a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and from those increased proceeds you could buy several boats and soon have a fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you could control production, processing and distribution by building your own
cannery. You could leave this small coastal village and move to the city then to New York where you could run your expanding enterprise."
The fisherman asked, "How long will this take?"
The banker said, "Ten to 20 years."
"But what then?"
"Next you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the public, making millions and millions. Then you could retire to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with your friends," said the banker smiling.A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so. "Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!"
Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why dont big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!"Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"
One day a woman went for a walk in her neighborhood and came across a boy with some puppies. "Would you like a puppy? They aren't ready for new homes quite yet, but they will be in a few weeks!"
"Oh, they're adorable," the lady said. "What kind of dogs are they?"
"These are economists."
"OK. I'll tell my husband."
So she went home and told her husband. He was very interested to see the puppies. About a week later he came across the lad; the puppies were very active.
"Hey, Mister. Want a puppy?"
"I think my wife spoke with you last week. What kind of dogs are these?"
"Oh. These are decision analysts."
"I thought you said last week that they were economists."
"Yeah, but they've opened their eyes since then."For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn't!
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most projects require three hands.
Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.One day Ronald took some time out from his office job.
Later in the day, when he returned to his office, his boss asked him, "Hey Ron, do you believe in life after death? An after-life?"
Ron was puzzled but managed to answer, "Yes . . . I suppose I do!"
The boss says "Good. Because your grandfather was looking for you after you left for his funeral."Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you
kidding?" . "Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."one day a woman is going to her job she gets on the elevator and theres a guy standing there. the guy says nice hair to the girl. the girl runs out of the elevator. 30 mins later she goes back to the elevator and theres the guy again. he says ur hair smells nice. the girl runs out of the elevator again. so she went for lunch and when she went back to go up the elevator the guy was still there and he said i like ur hair can i touch it. the woman storms out and her boss walks up to her and says to her thats the thrid time today u came out of there. whats wrong. the woman replies theres a guy in there complimenting me on my hair. the boss says a so. then the woman replies he’s a midgit.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down,
but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them
to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their
business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.
They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.
Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The workbench is always untidier than last time.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.
There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2. Came dressed in only a towel...again.
3. Ran out of paper clips.
4. I've decided to telecommute.
5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6. It's a long drive home to Texas.
7. One-day sale at Macy's.
8. My brain is melting!
9. I think they found me out...
10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno
As a result of automation as well as declining workload, Management must of necessity take steps to reduce our work force. A reduction in force plan has been developed which appears the most equitable under the circumstances.
Under the plan, older employees, will be placed on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the company. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The program shall be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given an opportunity to seek other jobs within the company, provided that while they are being RAPED they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also apply for a final review. This will be known as SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Program policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm an economist. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.
Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.
Pick good people; talent never wears out.
Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier if it's frozen.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.
I'm always delighted when people stick their noses in my business - my company makes paper tissues.
My husband's business is rather up-and-down - he makes yo-yos.
When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!
Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes fifty-five million.
I once knew a couple who were in the iron adn steel business - she did the ironing, while he went out stealing.Interviewing the young Swede for a job as teller, the bank president is amazed with the skill the applicant exhibits
at handling money.
"So," the president says, "where did you get your training?"
"Yale," the fair-haired youth replies.
"I see. And what did you say your name was?"
He answers, "Yackson."Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to... uh...
IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases proportionally to project completion.
Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.
MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.
MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense."
CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt.
NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.The following is supposedly a true story.
An economist was about to give a presentation in Washington, DC on the problems with Black-Scholes model of option pricing and was expecting no more than a dozen of government officials attending.
To his amazement, when he arrived, the room was packed with edgy, tough-looking guys in shades. Still, after five or so minutes into the presentation all of them stood up and left without a word.
The economist found out only later that his secretary ran the presentation through a spell-checker and what was "The Problem with Black-Scholes" became "The Problem with Black Schools".Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.")
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is about 0.6. - from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to determine what to do next.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Berkeley's Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most general statements are false, including this one. (6) An exception - test a rule; it never proves it. (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start checking it; it probably isn't right. (8) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. (9) Check the answer you have worked out once more - before you tell anybody. - Edmund C. BerkeleyJoe and his wife Lisa were in the shower and the door rang. Joe:"Go and open , please!"
At the door only draped by a towel Lisa met their frend Bob who said:
"If you let your towel slip, I´ll give you 1000 USD. So she did and got the 1000.
Back in the shower Joe asked;"Who was it?" Lisa;"Bob!"
Joe;"Did he give the 1000 USD I borrowed hin yesterday!"
Teaching strategy; "Always tell your partner about finances, otherwise some misstakes can happen!"This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Michael was selling a fine horse, and his friend Liam came over with the intention of buying it. "How much is it?" asked Liam, and Pat told him "500 dollars." Liam was startled, and said, "But sure, I could give only 25 dollars for even such a fine horse." "Done!" said Michael. Liam was surprised again. "How is it you came down so fast?" Michael smiled and said, "25 dollars is what he's worth, all right, but you're my friend, and I thought you'd like owning a 500 dollar horse."
Sid Needham walked into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need anyone" the manager told him.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"
"Well we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
Ole Sid was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one for a $50,000.00 policy and another or $100,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anything to anyone, any time any where!"
"OK. Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked.
"What urine sample?" asked Sid.
"If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample. Here, take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
Sid dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job. He was gone about 5 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is Mr. Frieden's."
"That is good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos.The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?""Yea! What is that?""Why that's a thermos!""What's it do?""It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!""I'll take it"The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. his co-workers ask him"What's that!""It's a thermos""What's it do?""It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!""So whatcha got in it?""Two ice creams and a cup of coffee."
As an administrative assistant at a chiropractic office, I called an insurance company to verify benefits for a patient. Although the call was important, I couldn’t reach a human being, only a recording.
“Thank you for calling,” said the message. “Our office will be closed until two o’clock as we enjoy our Customer Appreciation Week Celebration.”
Submitted by Rohit.
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.AS THEY GET OLD...
- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in
their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off
their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their
prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on,
and on....
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.Jack and Jill were working in a factory. One day the supervisor approaches Jill and says, "Jill. I'm afrid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Jill replies,"Well, you better Jack off because I'm too tired."
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.Trust everybody…then cut the cards.Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.Two heads are more numerous than one.
A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.
He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife poors him a cup of coffee.
With his head in his hand, he asks "Damn, honey." "What happened last night?"
She replies, "It wasn't a pretty sight."
He asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well" she replies, "You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset."
"He was", he moans.
"Yes" she replies, "He sure was."
"Aahhh, PISS ON HIM!" he says.
"You did," she replies. "Honey, You got fired last night."
"I got fired?" he questions.
"Yes" she answers "You got fired"
"Aahhh, FUCK HIM!" he says.
She replies, "I did, you start back Monday morning!"A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who
had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr.
Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the
USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you
to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face. "I
thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."An American businessman sent one of his Advertising/ Marketing people to Rome to try and get the Pope to record "Give us each our daily coke." The P.R. man came back empty handed. He had offered the Pope $500,000 dollars and had been turned down. His boss commented, "Turned down half a million bucks! I wonder how much the bakeries are paying him?"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.1. You?ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
2. Your company?s welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
3. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
4. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
6. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries? annual budgets combined.
7. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
8. It?s dark when you drive to and from work.
9. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
10. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
11. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
12. Being sick is defined as can?t walk or you?re in the hospital.
13. You?re already late on the assignment you just got.
14. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
15. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
16. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time", "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you."
17. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
18. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
19. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
20. You read this entire list and understood it.Old programmers never die, they just abend.
On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it.
On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
One of those days? I have one of those lives.
One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.Here's a humorous story about a wealthy businessman as told by one of his grandchildren. Back in 1927 the businessman was bringing his wife, new baby and a nurse home from the hospital in a brand new Lincoln. As luck would have it, the car stalled on the tracks and they could hear a whistle blowing in the distance. Now, the man would rather risk his life than admit he couldn't handle any problem.
He looked at his watch and said calmly, ''The 4:05 is right on time.'' ''My baby!'' screamed his wife. ''Let's get out!'' ''What! And leave a $6,000 Lincoln on the tracks!'' He snapped. ''If you will just settle down, I'll get it started.''
But nobody settled down, and the train came into view. Everyone left the car except the businessman. He leaned out the window and yelled to his wife, ''Hey Ruth. In case I get killed, the key to the vault is behind the Shakespeare book in my study.''
The conductor, slowing down for a stop anyway, managed to halt the train ten feet from the car.
''Darn!'' cursed the businessman. ''Now I've got to find a new hiding place for the vault key!''For those outside North America, Motel 6 is the cheapest hotel chain on our continent - which, as you can imagine attracts a certain type of clientele
besides normal discount travelers.
13. Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.
12. With Monica as the spokeswoman: "Because some stains you want to keep"
11. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6. As seen on "COPS"
5. Not just for nooners anymore.
4. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Clinton comes here . . . Why shouldn't you.
1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"I saw an advertisement for a school that claimed it could teach anyone to drive a car in five minutes or less. I called them up and asked "How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?"
They answered "It's a crash course."Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK...They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.Make dust or eat dust.Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.Many are called, but few are at their desks.Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.""Why would you say that?" wondered the broker."Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following
message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."An office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work.
People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work.
Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work.
Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers.
Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work.
There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers.
However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000 to do the work.
Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week.”He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”
Submitted by Rohit.
The Equation
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work = Power * Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work = Knowledge * Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
Money = ----------
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.
Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.
Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
Only them as knows their own...knows.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.
Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.Serenity Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wenesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."
"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"
"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you.""Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.Maybe I can’t make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn’t!Maybe you can’t buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.Most projects require three hands.Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
noc noc.
whose there?
In
in who?
India!! ! ! ! !! !haha !!!!!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! !A new guy Joe was beeing employed to a mens wear shop and the owner took the candidate to a mens suit that was horrible, colors were too bright, the jacket and the trouswers did not fit and the seams were badly made. The suit was 20 years old and out of fasion, but very expensive.
Qwner "If you sell this suit in two hours the job is yours"
After two hours he returns and Joe had sold the suit, but all his clothes are torn and he was full of scratches. Owner "No-one has been able to sell the suit for 20 years, what did you do?"
Joe "I sold it to a blind man, but had some problems with his dog!"PROFESSION NAME
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor 's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: HarryTop economist Valentine's Day cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. Lewis
We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.
We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to do it over again.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.
We'll worry about that when we get there.
We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
We've always done it that way!
Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discoveryAdministratrium, The New Element
AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.10. They can't garnish what you don't make.
9. Your life no longer compares to those annoying Dilbert cartoons.
8. Chance to meet exotic male dancers in unemployment line (and do the Full
Monte)
7. Sleep all night . . . Sleep all day!
6. Much like a Carnival cruise, every day is a holiday!
5. If you push its buttons the wrong way, the remote won't cry sexual
harassment.
4. Underwear and a pair of Birkenstocks becomes your "Professional Attire".
3. Re-runs of Chips only shown during regular working hours.
2. It really pisses off the in-laws.
1. The only glass ceiling she'll be complaining about is the mirror over your bed!A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share". Buy me 1000 shares said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said you were right, give me 5000 more shares. the next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, get me 10,000 more shares said the client. Great said the broker. the next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker sell all my shares. The broker said to who? You were the only one buying that stock.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".
"Yes.", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?", the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".
"Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?".
Again the small voice whispered, "No."Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child."Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?".
"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"A stagnant science is at a standstill.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!It was Christmas time and a man wanted to buy his son a parakeet as a Christmas present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical green parakeets in a cage. He asked the clerk, "How much for the parakeet on the right?"
The owner said it was $250.
"$250", the man said. "Well what does he do?"
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 97", responds the clerk. "He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asks what the second parakeet costs.
The clerk replies, "$500, but he not only knows Office 97 but is an expert computer programmer."
Finally, the man asks about the last parakeet.
The clerk replies, "$1000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost $1000, the man asks what this bird's specialty is.
The clerk replies, "Well, to be honest I haven't seen him do anything. But the other two call him boss."No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.No matter which direction you start, it’s always against the wind coming back.No matter which way you go, it’s always uphill and against the wind.No one is listening until you make a mistake.No problem is so formidable that you can’t just walk away from it.No real problem has a solution.No two identical parts are exactly alike.Nobody notices the big errors.Nobody notices when things go right.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and . . .
IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."
[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor
mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has
is a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says . . .
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and so he decides to go to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night," complains the man.
"Have you tried counting sheep?" inquired the doctor.
The accountant replied, "That's the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
The following is supposedly a true story.
An economist was about to give a presentation in Washington, DC on the problems with Black-Scholes model of option pricing and was expecting no more than a dozen of government officials attending.
To his amazement, when he arrived, the room was packed with edgy, tough-looking guys in shades. Still, after five or so minutes into the presentation all of them stood up and left without a word.
The economist found out only later that his secretary ran the presentation through a spell-checker and what was "The Problem with Black-Scholes" became "The Problem with Black Schools".A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him."Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.""I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?""Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ?It would make me feel so much better.""Sure," answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50."How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!""Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair.
Try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."Ten things to do with a graduate Economics textbook
1. Press pretty flowers.
2. Press pretty insects.
3. Use it as paper weight on your already overcluttered desk.
4. Leave out in obvious places to impress uninformed undergraduates.
5. Mail to the White House as an intimidation tactic.
6. Give it a walk-on part in a boring European existentialist play.
7. Just throw the lousy thing away.
8. Leave out for the rain and other forces of nature to reckon with.
9. Read it, and weep.
10. Get a refund from bookstore so you can buy a weekend's beer supply.1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....
You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are
you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
16. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
17. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
18. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
19. Even though you might get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
20. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
21. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any money?
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.
"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; "Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that."
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: "The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?"
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for- '2000 Flushes' Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Ask secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.
Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; "NOW we can begin."
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout; You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?" run out of room.
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; "smell these, these smell funny to you???"
Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best:The first boy said, "my dad is so good he can shoot an arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand."The second boy said, "my dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand."The third boy said, "I've got you both beat, my dad so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm."
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost."$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot."That's too much," said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.""Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
"Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests.
'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.'
'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he?'"If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it works, don't fix it!
If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.Old programmers never die, they just abend.On a beautiful day like this, it’s hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it.On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. - Elbert HubbardOne of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.One of those days? I have one of those lives.One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you areheterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."
Later that same day...
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Oops.Faggot?"The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever."Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.
The last severe depression and banking crisis could not have been achieved by normal civil servants and politicians, it required economists involvement.
Contagion: A strory demostrating the possible outcomes from interlinkages in the financial markets.
Two economists sit down to play chess. They study the board for 24 hours and declare a stale-mate.
Q: What does it take to be a good economist?
A: An unshakeable grasp of the obvious!
Q: What's the difference between mathematics and economics?
A: Mathematics is incomprehensible; economics just doesn't make any sense.
An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major?
A: Opportunity cost
The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.
The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. - Marty Allen
I don't think you can spend yourself rich. - George Humphrey
If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. - George Bernard Shaw
An economist is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Tariff -- A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
Economists are people who are too smart for their own good and not smart enough for anyone else's.
Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:
"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"
The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:
"You're in a balloon!"
The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:
"That man must be a manager."
"Why?"
"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!"It's Not My Job!
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
It's out of my control.
Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:
"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"
The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:
"You're in a balloon!"
The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:
"That man must be a manager."
"Why?"
"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!"TO:ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM:Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
SO...
TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No fucking way!!
TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.
TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting!!!
TRY SAYING
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the fuck you're doingThe smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
Submitted by Rohit.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore.
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Leakproof seals will.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.One day in the department store, a salesman had been laid off. So, went and complained to the manager."Please don't lay me off! Just put me in your worst selling department, and I'll turn it around in one week! If I don't, you can fire me!"The manager thought this was a fair deal, so he put him in the Sporting Goods department. Well, a week had passed, and the manager had forgotten about the deal. That is, until, he saw the sales report. The Sporting Goods were now the number one seller, almost double sales from a week ago. The manager went to investigate. When he got there, he watched the salesman in the middle of the sale.He was selling fishing equipment."So, what bait are you going to use? Plain worms?""No! This lure is designed to attract fish from as much as 200 feet away, using designer colors and mechanisms that make it look like it was alive as a real fish! You'll take them? Good!""What rods are you going to use? Those? No! These rods are so flexible and strong, they can send a lure halfway across the lake! You'll take them? Good!""Where are you going to fish? Off the dock? No! This speedboat we are selling has a motor that is so quiet, even other fisherman couldn't hear you come up on an ideal spot, let alone other fish!You;ll take it? Good! The bill comes to $23,473.75. Have a nice trip!"Once the buyer had gone, the manager ran up to the salesman. "That was the best sale I've ever seen!You can keep your job! By the way, how did you do it?""Well," said the salesman, "That guy was over there with his wife while she bought some Kotex.And I said to him, "Hey buddy, as long as you're not going to be doing anything for the next couple days..."
HR Heaven and Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
SO...
TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the f**k do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No f**king way!!
TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be sh*tting me.
TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a sh*t.
TRY SAYING
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my f**king problem.
TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the f**k?!?!
TRY SAYING
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the f**k cares?
TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat sh*t and die motherf**ker.
TRY SAYING
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.
TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another f**king meeting!!!
TRY SAYING
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don't give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a f**king prick.
TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the f**k you're doingGenerally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a stupid fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and
the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."
"How about the second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.
Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.
Gordon's Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.The first time is for love, the next time is $200.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they p*ssed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wenesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to p*ss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law.Jack and Jill were working in a factory. One day the supervisor approaches Jill and says, "Jill. I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Jill replies,"Well, you better Jack off because I'm too tired."
Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"Amen"Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Franklin's Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.Do you know why malt stands are constantly rated best businesses of the year?
They always give customers a fair shake.A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
The person not here is the one working on the problem.
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!"The man decided he needed a shave and a haircut. The barber completed the haircut and proceeded to give the man his shave. As the shave progressed he kept on nicking the man's face, so much so he had paper stuck all over his face. When the barber completed the job, the barber said that will be $5.00 please. The man handed him a $10.00 bill, and said keep the change, at which the barber responded: "Why such a large tip?" The man said you deserve it, this is the first time I have had a barber, a butcher, and a paperhanger work on me.
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
He said "two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." he responded.
"And, sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas.
Nobody told me.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing can be done in one trip.
Nothing ever comes out as planned.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.
Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent."Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples:
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
(No problem ...)
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
(Glad to hear it.)
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)
"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)
"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)
"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
(So you're willing to travel?)
"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)
"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.A candidate brought a large dog to interview.An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.One candidate dozed off during interview.The employers were also asked to list the "Most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates."What is it that you people do at this company?""What is the company motto?""Why aren't you in a more interesting business?""What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?""Why do you want references?""Do I have to dress for the next interview?""I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?""Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?""Will the company pay to relocate my horse?""Does your health insurance cover pets?""Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?""Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?""Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?""Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process."I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.""At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.""I feel uneasy indoors.""Sometimes I feel like smashing things.""Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.""I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.""I get excited very easily.""Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.""I am fascinated by fire.""I like tall women.""People are always watching me.""If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.""Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.""I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.""I never get hungry.""I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.""If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.""I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.""My legs are really hairy.""I think I'm going to throw-up."
12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, "What can I do?"The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again."Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Mencken's Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.
Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Nolan's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your
company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"
"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."Murphy was an optimist.My client(sponsor/customer) doesn’t know what he wants.Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.Nature is a mother.Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.Needs are a function of what other people have.Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.Never be first to do anything.Never be last.
A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their
location. They are always looking for someone to break through to
their market and make a real difference.
One day, a man comes in with a job application and says,
"I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a
B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir."
Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but
his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.
After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and
realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he
calls him in to his office.
"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more
copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"
"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d
l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to
b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w-
w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it
t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?"Why did God create economists?
To make weathermen look good.!!!!!! !! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.
Things are more like today than they ever were before.
Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.
Things get worse under pressure.
Things go right so they can go wrnog.
Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time.
This "law" has been intentionally left blank.
This "law" was inadvertently left blank.
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.
This space for rent.An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”
Submitted by Rohit.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Business Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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