What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A BMW has pricks on the inside!
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
You're so ugly, your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes, so he doesn't have to kiss you goodbye.
Shock me, say something intelligent.
I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
Fun fact: If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you'd be a fucking weirdo.
I know what sign you were born under, "Red Light District!"
You are so cheap . . .
When someone rang your doorbell, your kids had to yell, "ding dong!"You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
Last time I saw a belly like that, I was given a stocking full of presents.
Q. What position do you have to be in to have an ugly child?
A. Go ask your mother!Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Had a head crash.
Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
Has a bus fault problem.
Has a few wait states.
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
Has a leak in his ceiling.
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Has a pulse, but that's about all.
Has a random memory fault.
Has a slow clock.
Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)
Has a two-bit operating system.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
The two put together have an IQ over 150.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
They must have done a clean boot on him.
Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
Thinks at 5 baud.
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
thinks in lower case and types accordingly
Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.I was about to engage in some serious debate about what you just stated, but then I remembered that I dont give a damn.
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
A wife comes home and says to her husband, "I am moving to Las Vegas - I hear you can get $400 for sex". The husband runs to the bedroom, starts packing his bags and says "I'm coming along to see this!"
"Why?" asks the wife, "Why would you come to Las Vegas with me?"
Husband replies, "Because I've gotta see you live on $800 a year!"She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
If you call one of those psychic hotlines and they don't greet you by your name, you should hang up!
Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Watching you two makes me feel like I'm watching a pair of retards with buckets on their heads, running into the wall, thinking it's each other.
Your house is so small you have to eat a large pizza outside.
The only thing he brought to this job was his car.
You look like a before picture.
Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.
He writes blank checks on a closed account.
He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to
He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
He's diagnosable.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
Hears everything that a dog can.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
Nine pence in the shilling.
Nine rooms; no furniture.
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No charge in her synapses.
No coins in the old fountain.
No filter in the coffeemaker.
No grain in the silo.
No hands on the rudder/yoke.
No hay in the loft.
No one at the throttle.
No wind in her mind's windmills.
Not all his dogs are barking.That isn't your forehead, it's your hair trying to run away from your face!
When your friend says he/she got a bad haircut and the phone rings, tell them it's "Fantastic Sam's . . . they want to settle out of court."
Q: What is the perfect come back when someone calls you short?
A: I might be short but your ugly and I still have time to grow!I wish I had a hearing aid so I could turn you off.
I can tell that your charisma bypass was successful.
She's so ugly, the fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
A year ago someone who said, "I'm the mayor of Kentucky Fried Chicken," was an insane old homeless man. Now, he's a hipster teen with an iPhone.
Insult: Hey, you're not much of a looker, but I'll date you.
Response: Thanks. You must be very open-minded. Was that how your brain slipped out?A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
Three chickens short of a henhouse.
Three miracles shy of being where he thinks he's at.
Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
Too many birds on her antenna.
Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
Took the little bus to school.
Top paddock is full of rocks.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.I never forget a face! But in your case I'll make an exception!
He's as sharp as a bowling ball.
You're the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.
Three guys, a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"
The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."
The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"
The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."
The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Polish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Polish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him.
The Polish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!"I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
Failed the Turing test.
Fell out of the family tree.
Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun.
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
Flaky.
Flat out like a lizard drinking.
Flying/landing on one engine.
Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.You started at the bottom and it's been downhill ever since!
There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.
As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.
Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.
She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.
After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.
She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.
After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area
Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."
With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.
B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"
What's the difference between three penises and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
Are your parents siblings?
A glimpse into our future...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Gray Hair"
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and
was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
How did giraffes come to be? Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
You're so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
How to be Insulting at Christmas: Buy crackers without any little gifts inside. If you have the time beforehand, put unpleasant little remarks and observations inside them instead. You might try to glue the paper hats together so that they tear when the guests try to open them.
If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
His watch dog is sleeping.
His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
Hitler's evil twin.
Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio.
If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.Sure, I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission fee.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
I'm blonde, what's your excuse?
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead donkey in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department.
The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"I heard that your brother was an only child.
If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!
You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?
You're very smart. You have brains you never used.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Eventually, you will get what you asked for.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!
You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!You're pathetic. Don't believe me? Ask your wife, she might tell you since she probably tells her friends what a dipsh*t you are.
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have a place to put it!
How to be Insulting in Theaters: If the person sitting in front of you is blocking your view, try adopting an irritating cough, or kicking your feet under their seat. Nasty, wet sneezes down the back of their neck are also effective in persuading them to look elsewhere for a seat.
You're life is so bad, when you asked your wife who I should be the beneficiary of your new life insurance policy, and she said her mother.
How to be Insulting on the Beach: Sit by the water with a fishing rod, and throw revolting lumps of old bread into the water where the children are enjoying themselves.
When Jack was born, his mother was charged for littering.
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.
You are master in your own house -- the doghouse!
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.
People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
You're like school in the summertime - no class.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in
Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth.
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
How to be Insulting in Hotels: If you have to get up early, do it with the maximum amount of noise. Run a bath loudly and sing in it.
It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
Act your age, not your shoe size.
It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Baler done run out of twine.
Bandwidth limited.
Barney's his hero.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
Bats in the belfry.He's a recovering alcoholic: recovering from last night!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
Helen Keller fell into a hole in the ground. She shouted for help and no one came to her aid. She continued shouting until her hands started to hurt.
Everyone has a right to be ugly but you abuse the privilege.
When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."Why is it that the people with the smallest minds always have the biggest mouths?
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!"
--- Rodney DangerfieldMan: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
Do you know what the hardest part about rollerblading is? Telling your dad you are gay.
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.
How to be Insulting in Hotels: Call room service last thing at night, when the kitchens have just been locked, and ask for a cheese sandwich and a glass of fresh milk. Make sure that you leave them untouched and conspicuous the next morning.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, so I said, "I want a second opinion." He said, "Okay, you're ugly too."
How to be Insulting to Neighbors: On moving in, erect a fence at least six feet high, with a garish finish on their side.
You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
$HOME = /dev/null.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A couple of slates short of a full roof.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A doughnut short of being a cop.
A few beads short in her rosary.He comes from a long line of real estate people...they're a vacant lot.
Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
How to be Insulting on the Beach: If there's enough sand, dig huge walls around your site and try to put your neighbors in the shade.
Q: How do you know when you are at a gay picnic?
A: When all the hot dogs taste like shit!There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.
As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.
Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.
She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.
After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.
She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.
After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area
Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."
With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.
B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"
Q: What do you call 900 pound woman with a yeast infection? A: A whopper with cheese.
My friend's friend is my friend. My friend's girlfriend is my friend. My friend's boyfriend is just a scum.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
One node short of a network.
One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
One pane short of a window.
One pearl short of a necklace.
One prayer short of absolution.
One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
One sentence short of a paragraph.
One shade short of a rainbow.
One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
One ship short of a full fleet.
One side short of a pentagon.
One signature short of a book.
One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
One snowflake short of a ski slope.You're so dumb, you think babies can be found in the infantry.
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
"Not that I believe in reincarnation," said the young man to his hyperprudish date, "but what were you before you died?"
If I throw a stick, will you go away?
What's the latest dope -- besides you?
I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.
You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.
When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.
You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.
I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!
You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.If my dog was as ugly as you, I would shave his behind and make him walk backwards.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.
You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Her stack has been corrupted.
Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
Her system file has zero bytes.
Her tires are a little low.
Her wipers don't touch the glass.
Her word length is zero bits.
Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.
His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.
His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.
His accumulator overflows at zero.
His actual mileage varies.
His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.
His boot block is in a bad sector.
His brackets are mismatched.I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
You have that far look in your eyes: the farther you are, the better you look.
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
You're riding the crest of a slump?
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra.
(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were 16 years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.
You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
How do you starve a black man? Put his food stamps in his work boots.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
All booster, no payload.
All crown, no filling.
All foam, no beer.
All hammer, no nail.
All hat and no cattle.
All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
All icing, no cake.
All lime and salt, no tequila.
All missile, no warhead.
All of his bytes are odd.
All shot, no powder.
All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
How to be Insulting in Church: Pour water into the font and wash your hands in it. If you're really daring, take off your shoes and socks and cool your feet.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy.
A husband says to his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me." The wife replies, "I think he did. I still got mine with me!"
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner."
Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.Your house is so small, if you dropped a washcloth, it would look like wall to wall carpeting.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch you leave!
A man asks a woman, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" The woman responds, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
How to be Insulting in the Street: Wave frantically across the street to people who are trying to ignore you and try to attract as much attention to them as you can.
You were beautiful in my dreams, but a fucking nightmare in reality.
Hurry up and die already so that I can piss in your grave.
A man siting at a bar asked a pretty woman sitting next to him, Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?" "Get away from me, you pervert," she replied. "Oh, I'm sorry," exclaims the man, "It must be your feet."
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"
Your so stupid . . .
You have a drawer for your "right socks", and a drawer for your "left socks".What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit? A show-off!
Sure, I'd love to help you out. Now, which way did you come in?
It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.
You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.
You grow on people -- like a wart!Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Your so dense, light must bend around you.
If you don't like my opinion of you – improve yourself!
He has occassional flashes of silence, which makes his conversation perfectly delightful.
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
Well, they do say opposites attract. So I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
Q: What's the difference between Tom Cruise and a tuxedo?
A: One comes out of the closet on special occasions and the other is a tuxedo.I wonder what you are going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back.
Tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on television.
You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
You should be in commercials for birth control.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.
You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I have five fingers;
The middle one's for you.I would hit you but that would count as animal abuse.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Low-bandwidth as an information source.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Makes a black hole look bright.
Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
Metronome needs oil.
Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
Mind like a steel sieve.
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.You're so ugly, you have to trick-or-treat over the phone.
There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.
As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.
Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.
She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.
After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.
She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.
After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area
Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."
With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.
B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"
You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They are fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to find out.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
Brain transplant donor.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Brings binoculars to submarine races.
Broadcasts static.
Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
His pointers are null / uninitialized.
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
His root file system isn't mounted.
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
His shared libraries aren't installed.
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
His spark can't jump the gap.
His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
His string's aren't null-terminated.
His strip is demagnetized.
His system administrator is never in.
His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
His URL denies outside access.Q. What is the definition of confusion?
A. Two blind lesbians in a fish market.You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you were doing. You said you were moving!How to be Insulting in Banks: Put your old sandwiches into the night safe pouch and complain by letter when it's returned to you empty.
If beauty was a drop of water, you'd be the Sahara Desert.
If bullshit could float...you'd be the Admiral of the fleet!
I'll bet your parents hit the JERKpot!
You've never been outspoken, no one has ever been able to.
What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.
You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?
Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
A: The Tooth Fairy.How to be Insulting in Banks: When ordering travelers checks, try to get the smallest denomination available, and then take ages signing each check in front of the cashier.
I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.If brains were gasoline, you'd have enough to get a piss ant's go-kart half way around a Cheerio.
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
A lady called a man to paint her porch. When he got there she told him that everything he needed was in the garage. The lady returned from shopping later that day and the man said, "That's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Calls people to ask them their phone number.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Can only remember her old passwords.
Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Cart can't hold all the groceries.
Cauliflower for brains.
Changes hands and picks up a stroke.Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.
You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.
What are you going to do for a face when the baboon calls and wants his ass back?
How can I keep a major nerd in suspense for 24 hours? I'll tell you tomorrow.
Slit your wrists, it will lower your blood pressure.
I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
We heard that when you ran away from home, your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven."
There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.
As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.
Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.
She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.
After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.
She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.
After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area
Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."
With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.
B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"
How to be Insulting in the Street: Find a bus stop with a waste bin attached to it. Hide a small bottle of champagne and a leg of chicken in the bottom. Wait for a queue to form at the bus stop, then go and rummage in the gutter, and finally look in the bin. Find the things you've hidden, and devour them in front of the people waiting for the bus.
Bob: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Joe: "To get to the idiot's house."
Bob: "Knock knock."
Joe: "Who's there?"
Bob: "The chicken."No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
A medical mystery.
A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
A notch off the timing mark.
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
A quart low.
A return with no gosub.
A room temperature IQ.How to be Insulting in Church: Sing out of tune in all the hymns and try singing half a line behind everyone else.
You've got the perfect weapon against muggers. Your face.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
How to be insulting when giving directions: Point with four fingers when they ask.
It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
You're so stupid, you threw a rock at the ground and missed.
She's as smart as bait.
You should need a license to be that ugly.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Perfect percussionist for an acapella group (duh, duh, duh...)
Perfect training subject for apprentice hypnotists.
Permanently out to lunch.
Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
Phototrophic on a better day.
Pins 2 and 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing an endgame with a king and no other pieces.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
Plays pinochle with a poker deck.
Plays solitaire... for cash.
Plays tennis with no net and finds it challenging.
Plenty of myelin but not enough neurons.
Plenty of salt in the shaker, but no holes in the cap.Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
Its girls like u that cause global warming!
Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first little black boy says, "What would you do with a million dollars?" The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink Cadillac siiting over there." Then the third little boy asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked "why?" and he said because my sister has a(2" x 2") patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Just another flash in the bedpan.
Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
Knitting with only one needle.
Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
Landing with his gear/brain up and locked.
Leaky sunroof.
Left hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Leveled off before reaching altitude.
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
Lights are on but nobody's home.Your family tree must be a cactus, because everyone in it is a prick.
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!Don't feel sad, don't feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.
I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!
Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down.
How to be Insulting on the Beach: Try to find seaweed and drag this along the beach, leaving bits beside other people's places.
It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull." The driver gets annoyed as the kid continues to yammer on, "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick." The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?" The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."
How to be Insulting in Theaters: Noisy wrappings on sweets can be unwrapped at moments of tension when the rest of the theatre is silent.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
I hear you were born on April 2, a day too late!
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind, and all of yours.
How to be Insulting in Church: Always try to be half a line ahead of the vicar, and always be as loud as you dare in the responses.
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.
You have nothing to fear from my base instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.
It's your life -- but I wish you'd let us have it.
Hey, act your age -- senile!
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.
In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."
We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.
We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents.Did your parents keep the placenta and throw away the baby?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Are you aware that you're a pathetic freak? Or are you just completely oblivious to reality.
Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?
What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit.
"The 50th Anniversary"
An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude.
The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"
To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"
A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"
How to be Insulting in the Street: Walk along as if you have stepped in something unpleasant, by pretending to scrape your feet along the pavement, or rubbing your soles on any available patches of grass. Then look daggers at anyone walking a dog.
If we took the collective stupidity of every low-life imbecile known since the evolution of man, it might be close to the complete lack of brain function you possess.
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
If clues were shoes, you'd go barefoot.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
You remind me of the ocean, you make me sick.
If ugliness were bricks, you'd be the Great Wall of China!
God made rivers, God made lakes, God made you, Hell, everyone makes mistakes.
If brains were gasoline, you'd have enough to get a piss ant's go-kart half way around a Cheerio.
Q: What's the difference between a ginger and a brick? A: The brick gets layed.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
How to be Insulting at Christmas: Try to find what you were given last year and give it back to the person who gave it to you.
A woman goes to buy a chicken and, after rejecting several, she settles on one and begins to examine it carefully. First, she lifts a wing and smells underneath. Then she lifts the other wing and smells. Then she spreads apart the chicken's legs and smells again. "Mister," she says to the butcher, "this chicken is no good. I want to see another one." The butcher is not amused. "Lady," he replies, "can you pass a test like that?"
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
A few beans short of chili.
A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
A few birds shy of a flock.
A few blocks short of a filesystem.
A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load / pile.
A few chips short of a cookie.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few clues shy of a solution.
A few cold solder joints.
A few ears short of a bushel.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.
A few fish short of a string.
A few french fries / one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.How to be Insulting in Banks: Take a tape recorder with you to the meeting with the manager. Say nothing the entire time, but simply record all he says to you. Then when he's finished play it back to him at twice the speed and leave.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Traveling without a passport/towel.
Trips over cordless phones.
Truck can't haul a full load.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
Two chapters short of a novel.
Two degrees off square.
Two inches taller than spherical.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Two sheep short of a sweater.
Two socks short of a pair.
Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
His buffer is full.
His clutch is slipping.
His data bus stops for red lights.
His deck has no face cards.
His elevator is stuck between floors.
His face is on a coin... On the edge.
His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
His freelist is empty.
His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
His head whistles in a cross wind.It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
I would not allow this student to breed.
Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
How to be Insulting in the Street: Approach a complete stranger as if you are about to welcome them warmly, but instead walk straight past and disappear into a shop.
You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, "concentrate".
How to be Insulting in Banks: Try to use one of the automatic cash dispensers, but use it incorrectly. If it's inside the bank, do this until someone is sent to help you out, or until you're asked to leave. If it's outside the bank, kick the machine and try to open it with your car keys, a penknife or your umbrella.
There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.
As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.
Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.
She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.
After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.
She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.
After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area
Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."
With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.
B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"
Hold still, I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
A semitone flat on the high notes.
A square with only three sides.
A steering wheel / few bolts short of a Yugo.
A teapot with a cracked lid.
A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A violin minus the bow.
A walking argument for birth control.
A wind-up clock without a key.
About half smart.
Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
Airhead / bubble-brain.
Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over your head.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other, because nothing is blocking traffic.
Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
Your teeth are so big when you sneeze you bite your chest.
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
You're so fat you're the reason why the Earth is tilted.
Yo momma so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.
You need to get a life outside of the internet. Go outside, look around. I'm sure trailer parks smell lovely in the morning.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
Four bits shy of a full DEC.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Full of wisdumb.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gears grind/don't always mesh.
Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
Has change for a seven dollar bill.
Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
Has his brain on cruise control again.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has it floored in neutral.
Has no discretionary intellect.
Has no upper stage.
Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
Has resonance where others have brains.
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis.Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Lights not burning too bright.
Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Likes dunking for french fries.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
Lives in La-la-land.
Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Long on dry wall, short on studs.
Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
Looks for the "Any" key.
Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
Low on thinking gas.Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.I can't talk to you right now, tell me, where will you be in 10 years?
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.
As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.
Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.
She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.
After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.
She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.
After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area
Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."
With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.
B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"
Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now.
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Running U.S. appliances on British current.
Runs squares around the competition.
Rusty springs in the mousetrap.
S p a c e d o u t .
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Serving donuts on another planet.
Settled some during shipping and handling.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Sharp, like stone in river. Swift, like tree through forest.
She only packed half a sandwich.
She only schedules zombie processes.You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"He is so short, his hair smells like feet.
You're lucky mirrors don't talk, or laugh for that matter.
How to be Insulting in Church: Arrive late for any service and arrive noisily. Forget at least one, if not both books, and try to make others stand up while you go back for the ones you need.
You're IQ's lower than your shoe size.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting.
Vertically-fornicated mind.
Views mold as a higher life form.
Warranty expired.
Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
Was born when the planets were misaligned.
Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.I don't care how funny you are, if I don't like you, I won't laugh.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
Talks to plants on their own level.
Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The butter slipped off his noodle.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
The perfect personality to write software manuals.
The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.Why don't aliens eat clowns?Because they taste funny.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.
Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".How to be Insulting in Church: If you just want to look inside the church, go in when you see the sign 'Service in Progress'. Take photographs with a bright flash-gun.
A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be too much of a surprise for you now, would it?
Approach a man you dislike who has no body hair and say, "Hey, have you had a puberty vaccination?"
You are just like a TV ... even a three-year-old can turn you on!
You are a pathetic scumbag. Your parents were scum and you're doing a most glorious job of following the tradition.
You know, you're not that bad looking -- for a fat-ass.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
Still boots to DOS.
Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
Stuck on the down escalator of life.
Stumped by anything child-proof.
Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle!
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
As bent as a corkscrew.
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As happy as if he had brains.
As happy as the village idiot.
As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
As much use as a lead parachute.
As quick as a corpse.
As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.You're so ugly that when you were born they didn't slap you they slapped your mom.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
A: Cash and CarryYo're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
Monica Lewinsky went in to a liposuction clinic to have her love handles removed . . . they removed her ears.
He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."You're not acting like yourself today, I noticed the improvement right away.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".
You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth.
You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!
A dope you are and dope will remain.
Completely unlike cocaine.
You add to, not diminish, pain!
We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.
We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.
Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.We know that you would give your life for us. Promises, promises!
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
"Your proctologist called . They just found your head!"
You might be a redneck if you're related to everyone in your town.
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.
She must have the new wonder panties because it's a wonder how she got all that ass in them.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Do you want me to accept you as who you are, or do you want me to like you?
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.
Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
One song short of a musical.
One span short of a bridge.
One step short of the attic.
One strawberry short of a quart.
One strike past being called out.
One sub short of a party platter.
One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
One teabag short of a pot.
One tower short of a castle.
One tree short of a hammock.
One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
One weight short of a shipwreck.
Only one oar in the water.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.You have enough fat to make another human.
A student asked his teacher how old she was. She promptly said, "39 and holding." Then the student asked, "Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?"
Your momma is so mean... she has no standard deviation.
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible It's too hot, It's too cold & the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
When they were handing out brains, you thought they said trains and asked for a slow one.
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?
I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!
You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.
You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.
Anybody who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
How to be Insulting Abroad: Ask for local delicacies and leave them on your plate.
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.
"I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of humor," Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny."
Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm sure you'll make some guy very happy some day," she smiled and blushed a little, "then, he'll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out."Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Don't let your mind wander; it's too little to be let out alone.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?
A. Michael "Fits" Patrick and Patrick "Fits" Michael.If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bullshit.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
One diamond short of a ring.
One dimension short of reality.
One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One flower short of an arrangement.
One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One gene short of a full chromosome.
One goose short of a gaggle.
One handle short of a suitcase.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One inspection short of passing.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.
You've got an IQ of 2. Pitty it takes 3 to grunt.
How to be Insulting on Public Transportation: Pretend to be foreign when the conductor asks for your fare and try to give him the wrong denomination of money.
You're so fake, Barbie is jealous.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You're so poor I saw you kicking a can across the street I asked you what you were doing you said moving.
You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few inches short of a foot/yard.
A few kernels short of an ear.
A few kopeks short of a ruble.
A few links shy of a chain.
A few measures short of a staff.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pies short of a holiday.
A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.
A few points short of a polygon.
A few revisions behind.
A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!!
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.
You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
CPU is always in powersave mode.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cunning as a dodo bird.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
All wax and no wick.
Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
An Apple //e on UUCP.
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An inch short and a stroke early.One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking tea and having crumpets.
The first midget says to the other two, "You know, I think I have the smallest hands in the world." He continues, "and I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records and try to get in the book!"
The second midget replies with, "You know, now that you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I think I'll go with you and try to get into the record book, too!"
The third midget joins in with, "I'm going too because I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Let's go!"
So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of World Records.
When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. "I made it! They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the record book!!"
The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very excited. "I made it too! They measured my feet and sure enough, they are the smallest in the world. I'm in the record book, too!!"
The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a rather forlorn look on his face.
"What's the matter?", his friends asked.
The third midget responds with "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?!!"
Note to this joke: You can insert anyone's (male) name in place of Bill Clinton. Try it on your best friend!!!!!!!Last time I had a kiss like that, I was trying to bring my goldfish back to life.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."If you're going say something that stupid, you could at least fake a stroke.
A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."
When God was handing out brains, Jack must have been holding the door.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Off by one.
Off his rocker/trolley.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One bit short of a byte/word.
One board short of a porch.
One boot stuck in the sand.
One bumper/rail short of a bank shot.
One bun/donut short of a dozen.
One car short of a chase scene.
One card/marble shy of a full deck.
One chip short of a megabyte.
One clearance short of landing/taking off.
One color short of color-coordinated.If brains were rain, you'd be a desert.
Insult: If you were any dumber, your head would implode.
Response: If you were a little bit more intelligent you'd still be stupid.Your face looks like it caught on fire and somebody tried to put it out with a fork.
You know your ugly when . . .
Your dog humps your leg with its eyes closed.I'm blonde. What's your excuse?
You have the perfect face for radio.
He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
Short a few cards.
Short-circuited between the earphones.
Should be the poster child for family planning.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
Single-sided, low density.
Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Slinky's kinked.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The location of the dirt bag.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
A few shrimps short of a barbie.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few straws shy of a bale.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
A few volts below threshold.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
A looney tune.I want you to know that it is perfectly all right to have an unexpressed thought. In your case I even recommend it.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
You’re so skinny, you hula hoop with a Cheerio!
One woman I was dating called and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in front of the water aisle.
The man wonders aloud, "Who would buy all this expensive Evian water anyway?"
The woman says, "Evian... It's naive spelled backwards."A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Slow out of the gate.
Smarter than the average bear.
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
So dumb, he faxes face up.
So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable.
Loltard: Someone who uses 'lol' too much.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not done evolving yet.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
Not hard-docked.
Not inflated to 90 PSI.
Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.I never forget a face, but in your case I will make an exception.
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."If your going to be two faced at least make one of them pretty.
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
I'll never forget the first time we met, although I'll keep trying.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"
Candidate: "Honesty."
Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Candidate: "I don't give a f*ck what you think."Your so stupid . . .
You bought a solar powered flashlight!Tom: "Were you born on the highway?"
Jerry: "Uh no, why?"
Tom: "Because that's where most accidents happen."When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
How to be Insulting Abroad: Insist on paying for everything in sterling.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Yo momma is so old God was her first boyfriend.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
What did God say when he saw the first black person? Ooops, I burnt one!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job! That uniform makes your ass look really big. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. You don't happen to have any beer in your car, do you? "Bad Cop! No Donut!" You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? "Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence." "Lets do it differently this time . . . I'll give YOU the breathalizer test. Now stick this in your mouth and blow" Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops? I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. So, uh, you on the take, or what? Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you. Gee,officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?" Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just as long as one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No, I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone. What do you mean 'have I been drinking?' You're the trained specialist. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
You are not even beneath my contempt.
Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
A guy and girl had sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."When you and your momma had an argument, it was a battle of the wits. Nit versus Dim. Then your dad joined, and it was Nit versus Dim verses Half.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
Receiver is off the hook.
Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
Room for rent, unfurnished.
RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
Running at 300 baud.
Running on a 286.
Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)You are so ugly, the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper.
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's my opinion against thousands of others?
He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Aha, I see the Fuck-Up Fairy has visited us again!
They said you were a great asset. I told them they were off by two letters.
You know you're getting fat when you say you're fat in front of your friends and nobody corrects you.
He has an IQ of room temperature.
A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive, they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long."
The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"When you were a child, your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
How to be Insulting at Christmas: Try to duplicate presents wherever possible then lose the receipts so that none of them can be exchanged. If they happen to be things you want yourself, so much the better. Just offer to take them back.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
What is the best contraceptive for old people? Nudity.
He's a few clowns short of a circus.
Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
A: Put up a Bingo sign.You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
You have so many gaps in between your teeth, your tongue feels like it's in jail!
I'd slap you senseless, but I can't spare three seconds!
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Not only rude, but ugly too.
Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game).
Not running on full thrusters.
Not shooting pool on a level table.
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor.
Not the full quid.
Not the same since they took him off his medication.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed.
Not Turing equivalent.
Not wrapped too tight.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Nothing on her radar.
Numb as a post / pounded thumb.
Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.)
Nutty as a fruitcake.Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.
I would love to insult you... but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
Her access time approaches infinity.
Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.
Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
Her cache is incoherent.
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
Her dialing thumb must be broken.
Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
Her files are compressed 100%.
Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
Her input pipe is broken.
Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
Her leads need resoldering.The only positive thing about you is your HIV status.
There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.
Your sister's teeth are so crooked, Amtrack had to install her braces.
You are such a smart ass I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Her learning curve is fractal.
Her lint trap is full.
Her lists are unlinked.
Her memory is truly random-access.
Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
Her objects are not fully oriented.
Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing.
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.
-- Johnny CarsonYou have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
You're like one of those "idiot savants," except without the "savant" part.
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
Understands English as well as any parrot.
Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Useful as a chocolate teapot.
Useful as a football bat.
Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Useful as dinosaur repellent.
Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.With your last statement and current appearance, you have just answered the question, "Did the white man ever f*ck the buffalo?"
How to be Insulting at Christmas: Turn up the television when the carol singers arrive and turn off the lights until they go away.
For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.
You have a face made for radio.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your incubator.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Charming as a carbuncle.
Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
Cheezwiz for brains.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Collects cards for Craig.
Communications with him is limited to ping.
Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
Contributes to the population problem.
Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
I am truly sickened by the fact that due to some grand joke on someone else's part, I am forced to have to share oxygen with you.
Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don't run.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect chassis, bad driver.
Perfect face for Halloween.I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
I'd ask how old you are, but I don't think you can count that high.
You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.
Your sister's so anorexic she has to wear suspenders with her skinny jeans.
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
Blown/leaking head gasket.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Brain is running on empty.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In serious need of attitude adjustment.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Inhabits her own private timezone.
Inspected by #13.
Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
Invented a submarine with a screen door.
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
I believe in respect for the dead, in fact I could only respect you if you were dead.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.
Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.
You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.
I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly.Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
He has a mind like a steel trap, always closed!
If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
Has the brains of a house plant.
Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
Has the mental agility of a soap dish.
Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
He can only type in upper case.
He can push but he can't pop.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Gets his orders from another planet.
Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
Gets parity errors under load.
Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
Goalie for the dart team.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.
Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
Gyros are loose.
Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I don't mind that you are talking, so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
He is always lost in thought, it's unfamiliar territory.
If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say "Hi" to people. I'd say "BOO!"
Even if you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid!
I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.
She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
Never trust a bald man. If his head looks like your ass, you know he's full of sh*t.
You're proof that every good gene pool has a shallow end.
When somebody calls you gay, say, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."
It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
Did you hear about the two bald guys who put their heads together? They made an ass out of themselves!
When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.
A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light next to a Police Officer on a horse.
The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"
"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police Officer.
The little boy replied "Yes Sir".
"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.
"Yes", said the Officer.
"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.
"Yes he did!" said the officer.
"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.Q: How do you leave a jackass in suspense?
A: Don't know. I'll tell you tomorrowI bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
How to be insulting at the library: Find the coziest reading nook and start snoring.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Produces a zero-length core dump.
Proof God has a sense of humor.
Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
Reads her newspaper back-to-front.All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.
Yo momma is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
Some Assembly Required.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Some of her inodes have nodded off.
Some pages missing.
Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
Someday when she's younger...
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
Someone let the air out of her lock.
Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
At first I thought you had the IQ of an ice scraper, but then it occured to me that an ice scraper has two things you don't, direction and purpose.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Defective hard drive / boot sector.
Dense as a London fog.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
Doesn't adjust for leap years.
Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
His home planet is flat.
His IQ is a false positive.
His jack can't get the car off the ground.
His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
His mind is great at error magnification.
His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
His mind is write-protected/write-only.
His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
His mind wandered and never came back.
His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
His page was intentionally left blank.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
I heard you have hair on your chest, and that`s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
Sit down and give your mind a rest.You're so dumb, when you were born, your mom should have been arrested for smuggling dope.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Your so narrow minded when you walk your earings knock together.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expects to do this job since he is blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.
The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his
secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the bathroom
door off a tuna boat!"How to be Insulting at Christmas: Refuse to give any guests a drink, on the grounds that it's for their own good not to drink and drive. Have plenty of soft drinks to offer them though. Then pour yourself a large Scotch, on the grounds that you aren't going anywhere and don't have to worry.
You better hope you marry rich.
You're so fat, you could sell shade.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages, you look terrible in the light.
I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
When Jack was born, his mother didn't know which end to put the diaper on.
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.
Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
When he was compiled they forgot to #include [smarts.h]/[iq.h]/[charm.h].
When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick.
When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".
Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
Wise as the world is flat.
With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.
Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.
Zero K memoryA brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Echoes between the ears.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Insult Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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