Q: Who's the biggest faggot in the world?
A: Pac-man he swallows balls till he's dead.A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”“So then, why are you telling me?”“I’m telling everybody!”
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a weekA man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."What's 72?69 with 3 people watching!
wanna hear a clean joke...
bob took a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke...
bubbles was a manPerson: You Suck!
Me: And you swallow.A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.
I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."I got arrested yesterday for rape and manslaughter because I ripped her pussy apart
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I'm doing? Yes she said, checking for abnormalities. He tell her to take off he bra and starts rubbing her boobs,he asks her do you know what I'm doing? Yes, she said checking for cancer. He tells her to take of her underwear and starts having sex. He tells her do you know what I'm doing? She said "Yes getting AIDSOne day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."Return towhy would you use a balloon not a condom
so you can give proper blowjobsAnnoying guy: *Grabs a wotsit*
Annoying guy: This resembles your colour
Asian guy: It resembles you as well
Annoying guy: I'm not an Asian you prick
Asian guy: I wasn't talking about your colour, I was talking about your dickLadies, if your husband can't stop masturbating to porn, then I suggest that you start sucking his dick.
'Don't pay me pay it foward.' - Peter GriffinQ: What do you get when you cross a elephant with a witch?A: I don’t know but she will need a very large broom!
In and Out.
Long and short.
Big and small.
Hard and soft.
Suck and blow.
Spit and swallow.
Love and hate.
Boy and girls
Dicks and pussies.
Hope you like Dirty opposites. :D btw This has happened.If this gets 1500 kickass votes, Ill bang my friend Dakota, no condom. Plz vote lame, shes already friendzoned me
A man named Jed went hunting near the border of Alabama and Georgia. When he was going back to his truck, a game warden came up to him and asked him what he had in the sack."Three rabbits," Jed said.The warden said, "Let me see one of those rabbits."So Jed pulled out one of the rabbits. The warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, pulled it out, smelled it and said, "This is a Georgia rabbit."Then the warden said, "Let me see your Georgia huntin' license."So Jed showed him. Then the warden said, "Let me see another one of those rabbits."So Jed pulled out another rabbit.Then the warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's bunghole, tasted it and said, "This is a Alamba rabbit. Let me see your Alamba huntin' license."So Jed showed them to him. Then the Warden said, "Where you from boy?"So Jed pulled his pants down and said, "You figure it out!"
son- dad you remember your first pussy lick?
dad- yes
son- what did the toungh feel like?
dad- go f*ck your selfI know a gay couple that says that they hate using condoms because, when they do, they can't feel shit.
One day a man lied down on a nude beach. Little Johnny comes up to the man, points to his penis and asks what it was. "Oh, that's my birdie." said the man. "Oh." little Johnny replies. The man fell asleep. When the man woke up, he found himself in the hospital. He looked around to find little Johnny at his bedside. "Hey kid, what happened?", asked the man. "Oh," says little Johnny. "I tried to pet your birdie. It tried to spit water at me, so I cracked it's eggs and burnt it's nest."
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
Me: Can I go to the restroom?
Teacher: Say the alphabet first.
Me: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O - Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Teacher: Wheres the P?
Me: Running down my leg.Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his *ssh*le and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and f**ked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's *ssh*le hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered, "Listen, Charlie, old pal. I don't mind you f**king my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"A husband and wife were setting up a password for there computer the husband puts in my My Penis the wife drops to the floor laughing the computer says error to short
The longer I let her
Harder the better
More blowing and funny
Equals more money
Where to get fed
In the couch or bed
Bed seems nice
Couch has mice
and they will bite
My dick is in fright
But it's already occupied So f*ck off and dieWhy does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Today a woman got breast implants made of wood. A punchline here would be funny...
Wooden tit?Dirty/blonde
What do spaghetti and blondes have in common?
They both squirm when you eat themQ: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted? A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
Your so hot
I am not
You turn me on
Then your gone
I try to touch
But there's no luck
I want mine in there
But you never share
Can you fit it in there
You probably don't care
Please can I try
But I'm to shyThere was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions,so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please.The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions.The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence.The shopkeeper said look lady,I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have? The lady said tomat,Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have? The lady said potat.Yes said the man behind the counter,now if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have?"But there's no fuck in onions",said the lady,Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you!"
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”?The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a p*ss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour, 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a sh*t, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I p*ss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I sh*t like a pig.
The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"What do you get when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Dough Nuts!
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that d*mned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!""She ignored all ten of my texts, maybe she'll reply if I send a dick pic."
-Man LogicBusiness was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.
After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
What do you get when you take two hookers to Red Lobster?10% off for bringing your own crabs.
What does a Rubik's cube and a pen*s have in common?They both get harder the longer you play with them.
PLEASE KICKASS if you want China to stop eating dogs.
if you click lame you're cruel.A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".goob is a fgot he lookslike a rabit goob is so weak he cant bend a wet noodle
THEY SAY TRY EVERYTHING
ONCE
NOT
EVERYONE ONCEWhat is it?Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.Michael J. Fox has a small one.Madonna doesn’t have one.The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.Clinton uses his all the time.Bush is one.Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.Liberace never used his on women.Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.Cher claims that she took on 3.We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.What is it? The answer is: "A Last Name..."You didn’t think I’d tell you a dirty joke, did you?
One sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... and you thought 4G was fast.
leaves are green
grass is greener
i think of you when
i touch my wienerRoses are red,
grass is greener,
when I see you I touch my wienerA couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.So the jury asks the woman first.She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
Two doctors are having s*x, he says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after."She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel a f*cking thing!"
They've been together for (your age) years. (Who?) Deez nuts!
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office."What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked."Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.""I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.""That’s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
why do midgets laugh when they play soccer? because the grass tickles their balls :)
My friend billy had a ten foot willy and went to the girl next door, she thought it was a snake and hit it with a snake and now its only 2.4
Man asks Wife... honey why cant I ever tell when your having an orgasm?
Wife replies... because your never home when it happens!A boy saw his mum and dad having sex and they told him they were making sandwiches. The next morning the boy says to his parents 'You made a mess with the mayo !!!'
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?”“No Papa,” replied the girl with a grin, “I managed to hide it when they were searching you.”“Hide it? where?” asked the guy,” I saw them search you too.”“I slipped it into my… a… my . . .um…. pee pee place.”said the girl shyly.“Damn!” swore the guy,“If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!”
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?""That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied."No, Mom, down underneath."His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis.""Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore - my face should be among them.
I like my men like I like my thongs. BIack and up my ass.
Two eggs boiling in a pan.One says, "I've got a huge crack."The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
A man is working a a d*ldo store, when a brunette walks in.She asks him how much for the black d*ldo? He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything.A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white d*ldo? He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn't buy anything.A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a d*ldo? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one.She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it.At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no d*ldos but i sold your thermos for $250.
A women who is 47 years old decides to have plastic surgery, hoping it will make her look younger.
As she leaves the hospital she quickly asks the receptionist how old she looked. The receptionist said "umm, 29"
"Wow, really?" the women replies. "I'm actually 47!"
So on the way home the women decides to stop at mcdonalds. She takes her order and asks the guy at the till how old she looked.
"34" says the man. "Wow, really?" the women replies. "I'm actually 47!"
So she leaves mcdonalds and goes to the bus stop. Waiting at the bus stop with her is a trampy looking man eating mcdonalds. After about 5 minutes of waiting for the bus the women can't resist asking the man how old he thought she looked. So she did. The man said. "I can do magic. If you let me put my face in your tits for 30 seconds I'll know your exact age."
The women looks around to see if anyone was around. Nobody was to be seen so she agrees with man. After the 30 seconds the man pulls away his face and says "Your 47..."
The women replies "wow, how did you know? Thats amazing." The man says "I was behind you in the que at mcdonalds..."Top ten reasons hockey is better than women
1. In hockey, everyone likes it rough
2. You only get five minutes for fighting
3. 'Puck' is not a dirty word
4. You don't have to play in the neutral zone
5. It is possible to score a few times in a night
6. When you 'pull the goalie' nobody get pregnant
7. Missing teeth doesn't stop you from scoring
8. You can alway get new wood when your stick breaks
9. The zamboni gets to clean up the mess
10. Periods only last 20 minuets
11. You can share and rate this kickassi'm not saying she's a slut but her saliva has a higher sperm count that most guy's ejaculations
One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"
"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.
Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."
"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.
Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.
Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"
Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."
sex is like math add the bed subtract the clothes divide the legs and hope to god you don't multiply
Want to take a look at my benefit package?
When Viagra first came out my wife and I decided to give it a go to see what all the fuss was about.I popped the pill and waited the 15 minutes and then it was on for young and old.We timed the performance to the minute and it all finally subsided at 3 hours and 17 minutes.I asked the missus what she thought and she simply stated that she couldn't understand what all the hype was about for an extra 17 minutes...
Let's have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
Wanna expand my polynomial?
”Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
"Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"Why do prostitutes always make more money than drug dealers?
Because they can wash their crack and use it again!!!What is the smallest hotel in the world?A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
The Tooth Fairy teaches kids that they get money for their body parts. I blame her for prostitution.
There is a four story building. On the fourth story there is a butcher, on the third story there is a guy with a really long dick, on the second story there is a painter who likes to paint things green, and on the first story there is a guy who loves to eat pickles.So one day, the guy on the third story had a problem, his dick was too hot so he stuck it out the window. Then the butcher thought it was salami and he chopped it off.It then fell down to the second story were the painter painted it green and accidentally threw it out the window and fell down in the pickle jar of the first story. Suddenly the guy in the first story picked the painted piece of dick from the jar and ate it. He then told his wife:Ohh this pickle is yummy, especially with the white filling!
Why do people say 'Grow some balls?' Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?”He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”
Top quark or bottom quark?
Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball?You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!
When u don't know whether to luv or hate, when u r in confused state, don't feel and don't debate, just sit alone & ...... MASTURBATEAn ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face."What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord."Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !""Did you get a blow job ?" asks the landlord."No ..." he says, "I never found the head."
Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"
Guess the words as fast as you can!
1. F_ _ k
2. Boo_s
3. P_n_s
4. D_ck
5. _ _ ndom
6. S_x
7. P_n_s
8. Pu_s_
Answers are:
1. Fork
2.Books
3.Pants
4.Duck
5. Random
6. Six
7. Pulse
8. Pants
Dirty freak.If there's anything I can do to make you more naked... I mean comfortable. Just let me know.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back:"Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.
One day a woman was working at a sperm bank when an armed and masked robber bursts in demanding money. The woman has no money and says"sir you do realize this is a sperm bank right?" the man replies "fine then take me to where you keep the sperm or I will shoot you" the girl directs him to the vault and the man says" I want you to drink one." reluctantly the women drinks the sperm and the man says "drink another one" so she does after she's done the man pulls off his mask and says"see honey it's not that hard"
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."
Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."
She calls on Little Johnny in the back.
Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."
yesterday my dick died.....
can i bury it in your ass??A vampire goes into to the bar and and for a glass of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you guys only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "We do, I'm making tea."
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.First Lady:Whats that?Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.First Lady: Where did you get it?Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
A man is hitch-hiking and picked up by a driver. While their in the car they start talking and having a conversation. First they're just talking. Then they start disagreeing. Then they start getting a little defensive. Then they start arguing. Then they start yelling at each other and cussing at each other. Finally the driver says "That's it get the hell out my car". The hitch-hiker gets out and slams the door shut the driver starts driving at about 25 mph and notices the hitch-hiker is running next to the car with a furious look on his face banging on the window. The driver gets mad and speeds up to about 50 mph and notices the guy is still running right next to the car banging on the window. So the guy says "that's it I'm getting rid of this guy" and speeds up to 100 mph and the guy is still running right next to him yelling "pull over!". Finally the guy pulls over and says "Man you sure can run fast" and the hitch-hiker responds with "Well, you could too if your dick was stuck in the door."
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?You can't f**k with either one.
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
Condom Slogans:
1) Cover your stump before you hump.
2) Especially in December, wrap your member.
3) Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
4) If you go into heat, package your meat.
5) Never never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
6) She wont get sick if you wrap your dick.
7) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
8) Before you attack her, protect your whacker.
9) If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
10) No Glove, No Love!
A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting.
He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?
She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a BLOW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the ass!” The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”The wife sits and thinks about it.Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?”The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a blow job!”“Great!” He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shitty!”“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”
What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market? Good afternoon ladies.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"
Boy: how long is your pickle?
Other boy: which one my
Lunch or the one by my legs?A blonde walks in the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream cone.
The clerk tells her that he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, just vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk then asks her how she spells van as in vanilla.
She says, V-A-N.
He then asks her how she spells straw as in strawberry.
She says, S-T-R-A-W
He then asks her how she spells fuck as in chocolate.
After a while she says there is no fuck in chocolate.
THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU
Tip for giving a great hand job: Use your mouth.
One day a girl on the beach with no arms or legs was crying and a life guard saw here came up to here and asked "why are you crying?" "because I've never been hugged before" she said, he hugs her and goes on a few minutes later she's crying again another life guard see's her and asks "what's wrong?" she tells him "I've never been kissed before" he kisses her and goes on a few minutes later she's crying again another life guard see's her comes up to her and asks "what's wrong?" she tells him "I've never been f*cked before" so he picks her up throws her in the ocean and says "well you're f*cked now"
there was two little boys playing down by the river. All of a sudden one boy ran up the river and peeked through the bushes. the other followed and peered with his friend. they were looking at a naked lady washing in the river. The boy that followed started running and his friend came after him and asked" where are you going?" the one boy that first ran said" my mom told me if i ever see a naked lady i will turn to stone. i felt something hard so i started running!"
Little boy: *pulls down pants* Whats this?
Dad: Those are your prized jewels. Dont let girls touch them.
Little boy: Okay!
The next day
*little boy comes in shocked*
Dad: What happened?!
Little boy: The little girl from next door tried to feel my jewels so i felt hers
Dad: ...A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
*pregnant girl gets on bus*
Bus driver: Excuse me sir could you give your seat up?
Man: Nooooo, she shoulda fucked someone with a car.If pepper spray counts, then yes, I have dated a few squirters.
Did you sit on a pile of sugar? Cause that ass is sweet!
My love for you is like a fart. Everything about it is powered by my heart.
What did O say to QDude your dicks hanging out
My friend: you where a mistake your parents didn't want a kid like you!
Me: well at least I wasn't born on a interstate where accidents happen!!!!!
Other friends: OHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIT!69% of people find something dirty in every sentence
I run faster horny than you do scared.
Don't you ever get so frustrated you say "f*ck everyone"
Well the only thing you're going to get out of that is
AidsA guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"
He says, "I don't know."
She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"
He says, "Bigger."
She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"
He says, "Smaller?"
She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."Somehow a dog gets lost in an African jungle. As he is finding his way a lion spots him. The lion thinks since the dog is so small he will be easy pray. When the dog sees the lion he gets extremely scared and starts to run but he sees some bones and gets an idea. As the lion approaches he says "Mmmm, that was some good lion." The lion immediately realizes this dog is a lot tougher than he thought and runs off.
But there was a monkey in a tree watching the whole time. The monkey decides if he tells the lion what had happened the lion might reward him. So he tells the lion and the lion tells him to get on his back so they can share the dog. As the lion and monkey find the dog, the dog spots them as well. The dog begins to run but has another idea, "Where is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion hours ago!"Why is the position 69 like driving car in a rush hour traffic? Cause asshole is always in front of you.
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
One day Little Timmy caught his mom and dad having sex.Little Timmy asks his dad "Can I join you?"His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"Timmy replies "No.""Then no." Dad replies.Later on he catches his dad looking at porn.Timmy asks "Can I look with you Daddy?"His dad asks again "Can your dick touch your ass?""No.""Then no."Later that night Little Timmy is eating cookies.His dad walks into the kitchen and asks "Can I have a cookie?"Timmy asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"His dad replies "Yes.""Then go fuck yourself these cookies are mine!"
Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off,
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well…?"She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6’2, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God…'"
How do you f*ck a fat chick?Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
What meat is a priest allowed to have on Sunday? Nun
A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom... you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.A poem you never want to get from an ex.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I enjoyed our screw
But i gave you crabs too...I'm not calling you a slut but you've had more balls in your mouth than hungry hungry hippos.
There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose they were. One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to his elbow. The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his knee. The last woman just slid over the bar stool.
Lady walks into a Doctor's clinic
Doctor: May I num your breasts?
Woman: Yes you may.
Doctor: Okay, Num Num Num Num Num Num.
(This joke is derived from a Robin Williams Movie, R I P !! )If the sea was weed and i was a duck i'd swim my way down and smoke my way up, but the sea ain't weed and i'm not a duck so pass me the bong and shut the fuck up
Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my cock on the curtain. Drives her nuts!"Why is Jamie suck a fat asshole? HE WAS ADOPTED
Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
Why did the butcher go to hospital?
Because he cut the wrong sausage!roses are red,
violets are blue,
your mouth is so big,
you can probably fit twoA guy walks up to a nice looking blonde girl and says "hey you wanna screw me?" She replies: "No i'm not a mechanic and I don't have a drill."
wanna know my favorite beverage?
Mount and DoHow do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
what do gay guys and boats have in common?
a but load of see men!An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen'."
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying, 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure'......."Charlie was invited to his friend and wife's house. They were eating dinner when Charlie dropped his napkin. He reached down to pick it up and he saw that the wife had her legs wide open with no panties on. Quite flustered Charlie excused himself from the table and went to the kitchen. To his utter surprise the wife came in and said "did you like what you saw?" Charlie smiled and said "yes" he looked towards where the husband was sat."well come tomorrow lunch and bring $500 and you can explore the rest" the wife said. Charlie knew that he couldn't afford to spend the night with her. "okay. but what about your husband?" the wife gave out a little sigh and said "oh don't worry about him. he'll be at work" the next day Charlie turned up to the wife's house with the money and banged her. Charlie left and the husband came back home. he asked "did Charlie come over today?" thinking she had been caught she said "yes" the husband carried on "did he give you the whole $500?" she replied "yes" the husband let out a huff. "phewww, he came by my work today and asked me for the money. he didn't tell me why but I gave it to him and he said he would drop it off with you around lunch"
Boy: My magic watch says that you don't have any underwear on.Girl: Well its wrong...Boy: Guess my watch is 15 minutes fast
Guy:" Wanna here a joke about my penis?"
Girl:"ok"
Guy:Gross you f*cking pervert why do you want to hear a joke about my penis?"
Girl:"Cause It will be to short XDA little boy went to a whore house and asked to buy a girl for the night but first he asked do any of them had a disease the woman behind the counter replied no and he said thats bullshit my dad said amber has herpes she said I guess thats true he said well then good I'll take her last door on the right she replied the boy went to the room amber said why do you want me the boy said because then I'll get herpes and I'll have sex with my babysitter because she likes little boys my dad will take her home and f*ck her then he'll get herpes then he'll f*ck my mom and get herpes then she'll f*ck the mail man and he'll get herpes and hes the one who ran over my dog
Black ops 2 dirty joke for a girl:
I get more first bloods than a seventh grade girls bathroom!One day a husband was leaving for work and he tells his wife if you have any sex with someone I will rip your pubic hair out. He leaves and she gets horny, and asks a black guy to have sex with her. He says for a quarter and says lets go up stairs. He says for a quarter and she says get in the bed. He says for a quarter and they have sex. Her husband pulls up and the lady says get under the bed. He says for a quarter. The husband comes in and see's she has no underwear on and he says I told you. He see's a black hair and pulls on it and it doesn’t come out of there. He says come out of there you black mother f**ker. The man under the bed says for a quarter.
What is the difference between a joystick and a man's d**k?A joystick does its job.
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?A: Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Hi, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a piss. Well, the man cant help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, whats your secret?" Bubba says"well, every night before i go to get in bed with a woman i whack my dick on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says"bubba, is that you?"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?Make choking noises...
I would like to have a word with you. The word is sex.
I like my women the way I like my Kit Kat.
I'd rather have four thin ones than one chunky one.Non-Alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin...
Sure it tastes the same, but it just ain't right!So this man had a small penis and he found this really hot girl, they liked each other very much but he didn't want her to know he had a small penis.
For the past two years, they have sex in the dark but one night she wanted to do it with the light on and she turned it on and saw the dildo.
Wife: explain the dildo!!
Husband: explain the kids!!A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it."Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad."But what about the 10,000 dollars?""Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
*My dad helping me find a gf*Dad: What do you want most in a woman?Me: My dick.*Grounded and high fived*
I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My penis is now 235 feet long.
This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.
The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"Anant's poem on sex
I said 1,
she said come.
I said 2,
she said do.
I said 3,
she was open and free
I said 4,
her pantees were on the floor
I said 5,
her bush was like a bee hive
I said 6 ,
it was fixed
I said 7
she was in heaven
I said 8
we were infront of the hospital gate
I said 9
the baby was fine
I said 10
she said come againThere was a really sexy woman on a plane, and a man was sat next to her.
The woman said, "Can you remove something from my breast please?"
The man replied," Yes!", full of excitement. He said, "What do you want me to remove?"
The woman replied," Your eyes!"Why did the semen cross the road?Because I wore the wrong sock today.
Mr. Smith, the biology instructor at a Highschool, said during class, “Miss Jones, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”Miss Jones gasped, then said, “Mr. Smith, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.Unperturbed, Mr. Smith called on Miss Brown and asked the same question. Miss Brown, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”“Correct,” said Mr. Smith. “And now, Miss Jones, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"How is smoking a cigarette like eating pussy?
The farther down you get the more it starts to taste like ass.Have you heard of the new movie "Constipation"?
It hasn't come out yet.Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind. Son: Dad im over here.
"Daddy, do butterflies have really small penises?"
Parenting books didn't prepare me for that and I am NOT Googling butterfly dicks.How are priests and McDonalds hamburgers the same? They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns
Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert." Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.Joe asks what the dollar is all about.The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him, give him a dollar. The lunch was my idea."
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sodomy here].”The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do.After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
joe & kate drving in a car. the car goes bump bump they gohump hump!
What is something nine out of ten people enjoy?Gang rape.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.
They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.
One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"
They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .
They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .
The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.
She took him into her barn and said to get started.
He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.
Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.
Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .
The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
You close the door and shut the lights
So the feeling comes in right
You close you eyes and feel the lips
as they start to suck the tip
In a moment you'll hear a moan
That's when you realize it's not your own
You just don't know who it is
Is it your girlfriend?
No it can't be
you ask
who is it?
Until you feel those pursing lips.
Through the darkness you can see
the outline of those curving hips
You just can't wait anymore
So you pull the lever to turn on the lights
you turn around
oh shit its Just BieberAn FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions. Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions. If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?Brian: Yeah, sure.Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sex?Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning.Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ?Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes.Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it, mate?Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that.Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian !Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table.Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife?Brian: Yeah, all right.Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks.Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.Sharelle: Hi, Brian.Brian: Hi, Sharelle.Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.Brian: Just tell the truth, honey.Sharelle: Okay.Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio.Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question. Where did you do it?Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway. Just tell them.Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the arse!Radio Silence — AdvertisingPresenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Two blokes sitting in a bar, 1 says, "After 10 years of marriage, s*x is down to three times a year."The other replies, "Same here pal, as a matter of fact if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I'd have none at all."
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.
The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.
The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"
The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".
"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"
"Sure", Says the Englishman.
The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.
The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.
About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.
The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".
The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".A son is in his room and the mom comes in and says do you need to shower and he said yeah I need to shower and the Mom says you can shower with me if you don't look up or down as soon as the get in the shower the son looks up and asks the Mom what are those and the Mom answer and says those are headlights then he looks down and asked what's that she says it's the tunnel the next day the dad asked the son do you need to shower the son said yes and the dad said you can shower with me as long as you don't look down as soon as they get in the shower the son looks down and says what's that and the dad says that's a train that night he has a nightmare and asked his head parents if he could sleep with them and the say as long as you don't look under the covers once he gets in the bed the son looks under the covers and says "MOM TURN ON THE HEADLIGHTS THE TRAINS GOING IN THE TUNNEL"
A cat is walking along the river, when it sees a cocktail sausage floating in the water.
It jumps in to get the sausage and gets its paws wet.The next day its walking down the river again when it sees a jumbo sausage in the river, it jumps in to get it and gets its legs wet.
The next day it walks down the river and sees a huge Cumberland sausage.
It jumps in to get it and its whole body gets what.What's the moral of the story?
The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy!!!
Twinkle twinkle little slut name a guy you have not f*cked was he small or was he tall oh wait you f*cked them all twinkle twinkle little whore close your legs your not a door
This guys is marrying a girl named Wendy. On his penis he gets her name tatooed to his penis, when he is hard it says Wendy, when he is soft it says WY.
For their honeymoon they go to a nude beach in Jamaica. The guy walks up to a bar and notices that the black bartender has WY on his penis at well. He asks the black bartender, "hey, you musta married a girl named Wendy too?" and the black bartender says "no, mine says WelcomeToJamaicaHaveANiceDay"Boy: when I say something you say addicted
Girl: ok
Boy: drugs
Girl: addicted
Boy: alcohol
Girl: addicted
Boy: what made your throat so big
Girl: a-dick-didI saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'
Whats the good thing about f**king twenty seven year olds?
Theres twenty of them.Hey girl are you my dick's teacher? cuz it stands up everytime I see you..
Prematu
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, *ssh*le...when I fired the pistol my wife sh*t on my face, bit 3 inches off my d*ck and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"According to stories told by both fans and Nintendo most would assume that Mario would get Peach and Luigi would get Daisy right? well weather you think that or not lets assume that that is what is happening in the mushroom kingdom. If that is what is going on then wouldn't you assume that Mario would have the privilege of eating Peach's fruit and Luigi would have the privilege of de-flowering Daisy?
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men usually miss all three.Handjobs are like Pepsi. Never your first choice but you'll take it anyway.
Dad: Want to hear a joke son?
Son: Sure
Dad: pussy
Son: I don't get it
Dad: That's rightA kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?""Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose.""Wow, what does it look like after sex?""Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
Whats the difference between acne and priests?
Acne doesn't come on your face til your 12roses are red violets are sour
open your legs
ill be thier for an hourFriend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.Friend: Ok I can see it...Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there. Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this. Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you. Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl. Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet. Friend: I hate you...
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do.Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee."Sitting Bull," He asked,"Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?""Well," says Sitting Bull,"Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two dogs fucking?"
Roses are red grass is green open your legs and i'll give you some cream.
When they said joining the army was like the movies, I didn't think they meant Brokeback Mountain
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your *ssh*le before prison...."Never ever ever push a Scottish man down.
Especially when it's at a Scottish ceremony."That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied.
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"boy: spell "me"
girl: M-E
boy: but you forgot the D
girl: there's no D in me
boy: not yet ;)What's a rapist's favorite day? hump day
girl - baby im wet.
Boy - want a paper towel?
Girl - no, i want more then that ;)
Boy - want 2 paper towels?
Girl - no, baby i want sumthing big and round ;)
Boy - damn you want the whole roll?A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
a husband and his wife were having hardcore sex in their bedroom until their young boy opened the door and walked in, the dad turns to the kid and says hey leave mommy and daddy alone and get out can't you see were trying to make a baby brother or a baby sister for you? the boy with a big smile on his face tells the dad ok daddy but can you instead do mommy doggy style cuz i really want a puppy
Who is 'Rape' and why do all the girls I have sex with scream his name?
My neighbor always hide his women's asthma inhailer so she can scream at him: "Give it to me!!!!! Give it to me!!!!" so the neighbours could think he is a stud. ;-)
Girl: Babe I just gotta a tattoo of a sea shell on my thigh can you hear the ocean?*Pulls his head to her thigh* Guy: Nope, But I sure can smell the fish.
Someone asked me,'In the scale of 1 to 100, how dirty are you?' I replied, '69'.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.Man:knock knock
Kid:whos there Man:i see you do
Kid:i seee you do who?
Man:my girlfriend!guy: how many legs does a rooster have
person: two
guy: how many teeth does a cat have
person: i dunno
guy: how come you know more cocks then pussysI'll have you saying, "My compliments to the chef" in no time!
One day, a hippie and a nun get on a bus. The hippie whispers into the nun's ear and says"You wanna have sex?" and the nun says,"No way you sicko!", after that, the hippie gets off the bus and tells the bus driver to tell the nuns to go to the graveyard at 9:00pm that night. At 9:00pm the nun arrives at the graveyard and the hippie is there dressed as god. The hippie then commands the nun to have sex with him and the nun replies,"Ok, but can you do it up the back?", the hippie agrees and they do it.After they're done, the hippie pulls of his mask and yells,"HA! I am the hippie from the bus" then the nun pulls of HIS mask and says "HA! I am the bus driver!"
Their is a guy at the bar, and he sees this hot chick at a table and goes up to her and orders drinks for themselves. After a few drinks, the girl and guy head back to the guys place.
After the two are done making out, they girl gets completely undressed immediately. The guy however, takes off his shirt, washes his hands, takes off his pants and washes his hands, takes off his shoes and socks and washes his hands.
The girl then says "You must be a dentist" The guy reply's "Well, yeah I actually am a dentist, how did you know?" The girl then reply's "You wash you hands after every time you take your cloths off". They then have sex and after they are all done, the girl then says "You must be a really good dentist". The guy bragging then says "Well, yeah I guess I am a really good dentist, how did you know?" Then the girl says "I didn't feel a thing".If I get 20 kickass rates, I'll suck your dick/pussy.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
It's a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.
Jhon: when there's three people its a threesome,
when there's two people its a twosome
I now know why they call me handsomeDrinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.
Wanna know Victoria's Secret? She has a penis.
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me, im going in.I don't need sex, because the government fucks me everyday.
You saw a commercial saying "look through glasses". You ran to the shop and bought one. You tried it on in the swimming pool. You walk around and realize it just made you blind. You throw away your glasses. You see naked girls infront of you.
You yell " It worked"!Who is little, black and jumps?A flee!But who’s big, black and jumps?Dr. Alban!
Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time and is awfully nervous. When the doctor comes into the examining room, he notices immediately that she's very tense."Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you some thing to numb you down there?" The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes. So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch."Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."
What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs?It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end.
A toothbrush with toothpasteWho is Jack Schitt you ask?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.What happens when you give politicians viagra
They get tallerLittle Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.
Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied...
"What ya gonna do, f#ck him?"This guy goes into a Sperm Bank with a gun and a ski mask and yells at the receptionist to open the safe. She's confused, thinking this is the world's dumbest criminal."Sir, this is a sperm bank, we don't have money in here! That safe is full of donated sperm samples!"The robber screams for her to open it. At this point, she's confused. Maybe he's just a guy who thought better of becoming an anonymous donor and wants his sample back. She opens the safe like he commanded.The robber yells: "Now bring over that tray!" The woman does as he asks and brings the tray of sperm samples to the counter. As soon as the tray hits the counter, the menacing criminal makes further demands: "Now open that container and drink it!"The woman's gag reflex triggers. She barely manages to stammer out "that's disgusting! I won't do it!" Angered the man in the ski mask cocks the hammer on his pistol and repeats his command to drink one of the samples. The woman complies, he tells her to drink another, and another until the entire tray is gone. Once the last cup is finished the man pulls off his ski mask and goes:"See honey, it's not that fucking hard."
What's long and hard and has "cum" in it?
*Cu[cum]ber (bet you thought of something else)girlfriend:babe wana have some fun.
me: sure!(dick getting longer).
girlfriend:ok let's go to lego land
me: damn!(dick shrunk!)Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. "Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion." The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.
The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."I'm not calling you a slut or anything, I'm just saying your private parts are more like public parts.
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District.A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
A 7-year-old boy and a 40-year old man are walking together in a dark forest. The young boy says, "I'm afraid..." The 40-year-old man replies," You're afraid?! I have to walk out of here alone!"
A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper. A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy. When she entered the room she stood steal...She saw her husband naked to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room."But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked."Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"
Dude why did you're mom get a cat.isn't one pussy good enough
There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”To which the man replied, “No, its average!”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a man ordering one shot after another, sobbing uncontrollably. He goes over and asks what the matter is. The man says, "My only son just told me he's gay and found a boyfriend last night." The guy just says, "Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that man."
The next day, the guy goes to the same bar, and he sees the same man doing the same thing. Again, he goes over and asks what the matter is. The man responds, "I just found out that my brother has been dating this gay guy for some time now, and today they got engaged." The guy just says "Gee, I'm really sorry to hear that, man."
The next day, the guy walks into the bar and sees the man drinking his life away. He marches up to the man and says, "God dammit, does anyone in your family like pussy?" The man says, "Apparently my wife does!"What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', and is hairy on the outside and moist on the inside?Coconut.... What were you thinking?
A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy."Can I touch it?""No way -- you already broke yours off!
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.
He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.
The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."My colleague said to me, "I bet you can't see your dick when you look down in the shower.""No, just your daughter's head," I replied.
Singer: singing lalala
Audience member: why do u have a small mouth?
Singer: To make dicks like yours seem bigNext time you're having sex with your significant other, stop right in the middle of it.When she asks what you're doing say, "Shhh...I saw this in a porno once. It's called buffering."
Teacher: Joey, why did you bring your pussycat to school?
Joey: Well, I heard my dad say to my mom last night that he was going to eat that pussy when I went to school, and I didn't want poor Bubbles to get eaten!
Teacher: ...Dad: Hey son, how much feet do two chickens have?
Son: Four.
Dad: How much teeth do two cats have?
Son: I dunno.
Dad: Strange, you know more about cock than pussy.Is that shirt (those pants) mad of camel skin? (No, why?) Cause I noticed the humps!
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."Just got home from work and found my wife on a porn site.
I'm gonna have to talk to her about it when she gets home.A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
Security at a bank seen a man that diposit thousand of dollars everyday so he disided to ask that man how do you make so much money man said I make bets, security: well what type of bets, man: I tell people I have 4 balls, Security I don't Believe you, man: You want to bet $100.00, Security well yeah is impossible I think I will win, man ok after closing time ill prove to you that I have 4 balls, security ok, so after the last person walks out the man said hurry up stick your hand in, security hey I won Here i feel two balls, man: ok you won but do you see a couple people up in the tall building I bet them $1,000 each that you will grab my balls.
Jack & Sophie went for a walk in the park, jack feeling horny and starts to feel her fanny,
Sophie says ill be right back i need a pee,
Jack un-able to resist sticks his hands in a twist,
feels something hanging, Jack asks "you had a sex change"
she replies "no pass me a leaf im taking a shit"My dick has it's own jungle, your dick got touched by your uncle
A girl and a boy are in a room. The boy asks the girl if she has any irish in her. She says no. He begins to take off his pants and says
"Ya want some"A little girl walks up to her mum and pulls down her pants.
Little Girl:Mummy what's this?
Mum:That's your garage.
A little boy walks up to his dad and says.
Little Boy:Dad what's this?
Dad:This is your car, you'll have to put this in a girls garage someday.
The little girl comes home one day and the mum asks.
Mum:What Happened?!
Little Girl: A boy tried to put his car in my garage so I ripped his wheels off.Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yup, that's how you wash a cup.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?A: All you can eat under a buck.
Hey guys.Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Thank me later.
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some.Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,"Whatcha doin' Daddy?"Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his d*ck and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says.Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"
A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
"Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
"Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
"47, " came the reply.
"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"Two lepers playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off.
Q: What did the vagina say to the penis when he came over?
A: Come inside!What type of pussy does a priest get?Nun.
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he sh*ts on you."Once a black guy went to his interview, the interviewer supposedly wanted to reject him because he was black.
So he told him, "If you will answer my 3 questions then the job is yours." the guy guy says "Okay."
Interviewer firstly showed him a picture of a bike and asked, "What is this?", the guy replied "Cycle.", the interviewer said "No! It's Bicycle."
Then he showed him a picture of a car and asked, "What is this?", the guy replied "Car.", the interviewer said "No! It's motorcar."
Then lastly he showed a picture of a jet and asked, "What is this?", the guy replied "Plane.", the interviewer mocked "No! It's Air-plane!!"
"You failed to answer the questions my friend, sorry you are rejected."
Before going out of the office the guy asked the interviewer, "Sir, may I ask you a question?", the interviewed agreed.
The guy drew picture of a cunt on paper and asked "What is this?", the interviewer said "Cunt", the guy said "WRONG! It's YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!"How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
If this gets 1000 kickass votes I will put a blow up doll on my dad's bed.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.Boy: My magic watch says that you don't have any underwear on.Girl: Well its wrong...Boy: Guess my watch is 15 minutes fast
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
What two words clear out a men's bathroom quicker than anything else?
Nice dickYou guys act like being a stalker is easy. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate while holding binoculars?
One night on christmas eve, santa came down the chimney. He was putting toys under the tree for the good girls and boys of the house. When he got the errie feeling that someone was staring at him. He turned around and sure enough a lady in a nelgiee was looking at him.When she noticed santa looking at her she said, "Santa can you stay, can yuo stay?"Santa, "Hey, hey hey, me have to go. Have to deliever toys for good girls and boys."So then she pulled down her negliee and showed santa her breast. "Santa, can you stay, can you stay?"Santa, "Hey, hey, hey. Me got to go. Have to deliever toys to good girls and boys."Then she took off everything and stood naked in front of santa and said, "Santa can you stay, can you stay?"Santa, "Hey,hey, hey. Me have to stay. Can't go up the chimney this a way!"
If Dora was a lesbian, she would be called, 'DORA the EXPLORE-HER'
jack and your mom went up the hill to get a pale of water your mom forgot the pill now they have a daughter
My cat's dead, can I play with your pussy instead?
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!""Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball
Answer: She gaggedA few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"Return toWhy did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower is coming.Boy:-Puts head down-
Girl: What wrong?
Boy: You made me not want to eat booty
ever again.
Girl: How?
Boy: You farted in my mouth
And it tasted like orange pee smellsMy parents always say I am special, but who's Ed?
Two women were playing golf one sunny morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."
"Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel now?"
The man replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."Let it go! Let it Go! I can't hold it back any more!
Let it go! Let it go!
Ok fine here it comes.I hope u like tapes and CDs. because I'm going to tape my dick to your head so u can CDs nuts
How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?He forgot to wrap his whopper.
2 cowboys talking about s*x.1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !""I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?" "Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"
Q: Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?A: Better traction.
Is your name country crock, cause you can spread for me anytime.
What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
You might as well put a condom on you head, because if you act like a dick you might as well dress like one! ????
Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
When do you kick a dwarf in the balls
When he stands next to your girlfriend
Saying her hair smells nice
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear....a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.
(The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang".I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."
Girl, I want to kiss your lips. The one between your hips!
You better not pout you better not cry
you better not scream im going in dry :3How do you fit 4 gay guys on a bar stool?
Flip it upside down.16 and Pregnant.
15 and Fucking.
14 and Sucking.
13 and Licking.
12 and Fingering.
11 and Touching.
9 and Kissing.
8 and Wondering.
Welcome To Our Fucked Up Generation...A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Three boys always come home from school the same way. One day as they pass the fence near their house, they look through a hole in the fence. They see a naked woman standing in the yard, two of the boys stare at her while the third one runs away.
The next day they look through the hole and see the same lady, still naked. The two boys still look at her, while the third one runs away again.
The next day as the three boys look through the hole, and the third one gets ready to run away, the two other ones ask the third one, "Why do you keep running away?" The little boy says, "My mommy told me if I see a naked lady I'll turn to stone. And everytime I see her, a part of me gets harder."My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.
Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
This joke was submitted by:
KevboQ. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.Teacher: Ok class, what comes after 69?
Cool kid: Mouthwash
Me: Says the one that won't get anything
Cool kid: Suck my ass
Me: Not until you shave it BigfootI'll have sex with Tane if this get 1000 kickass hits
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common?You don't look down.
A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.
The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.
Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
"That sounds good. I think I'll have some too," Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.
A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you do it?"
"It's easy," replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
Bully: I know when your mom works.
Nerd: Yeah, well I know what your mom works on.
Bully: On what?
Nerd: This dick.My boy friend said if this gets 200 kick-ass votes... were gonna try anal. please don't vote. he's on Viagra.
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."Rudolph the well hung reindeer,
Had a great enormous cock,
All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock,
All of the female reindeer, Had pussies that were just too small,
Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sex at all,
Then one horny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your cock so strong... Fuck my arsehole all night long!"
Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say,
"Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's gay"What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.What did the vagina say to the penis.
So do you cum here oftenWhat does a Rubik cube and penis have in common? The more you play with it the harder it gets
“Honey”, says the wife to her husband, “last night I had the most AMAZING dream..I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fan to us and that gave me great satisfaction..”The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fan to them while they made love.The three of them went home and the couple started having sex while the black man was waving the fan.But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles. She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fan next to them. The husband accepted and started waving the fan…After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more!So the husband said to the black man: “Do you understand now how you should wave the fan, you ashole?”
I am not calling you a slut,but if dick had wings your mouth would be the airport.
A young man had met a nice young woman. They both liked each other and thought the time was right.
Both of them got naked and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his d*ck in he waited. Meanwhile his d*ck was having a conversation with his balls.
D*ck: OK lads we are going to a party tonight.
1st Ball: You mean you are.
D*ick: What do you mean, you’re invited too.
2nd Ball: Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking.I want to do to your body what Mitt Romney does to poor people.
Why do women pierce their bellybutton? Place to hang their air freshener.
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken!
I need your help making a cream sauce.
When do boys ask for a girl’s hand?When they get bored by theirs!
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
1 inch - Are you fucking kidding?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly.
3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life.
4 inch - I've had bigger.
5 inch - Good, but not enough!
6 inch - About right.
7 inch - Can't complain.
8 inch - Fucking perfect.
9 inch - A bit much.
10 inch - It's hurting my insides.
11 inch - I can't take it anymore.
12 inch - I'm absolutely fucking destroyed. And this is how I rate my meatball sandwiches.My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
Q:Why do farts stink? A:So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.
6 gay men in a tub, and a huge bit of sperm rises to the surface. and one say, alright who farted?
"Is it rape if it's your wife?" "I don't think so." "What a relief! I thought you'd be mad as hell!"
So a kid goes up to his father and says..
"Dad I had sex today!" Then the Dad says
"Good son good come sit down with me".
Then the kid says.. "I cant, my ass hurts".what do a penis and a rubiks cube have in common the longer you play with it the harder it gets
Me and my girl have a new sex position we do called sushi. She just lays there and I spray her with soy sauce.
Roses are red
Lemons are sour
Open ur legs and just give me an hourQ:whats worst than getting a penis drawn on your face
A:knowing it was tracedThere was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation, the old man.
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped.
“Except what?” asked the businessman.
“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,’” the old man said.
“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, “Big f*cking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.”
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!”
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”
The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my pussy.”
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!”
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”Q: What book do women like the most? A: "Their husbands checkbook!"
The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Thats not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
Im not saying she's a slut, but if she was a slice of bread, she'd be the first in the bag. Everyone touches her but nobody wants her.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Cindrella?
boy: 'showering' baby sister walks in.
sister: what's that?
boy: my toy soldier.
sister: ok.
later that night the boys sister decides to go play with the toy soldier. the next morning the boy wakes up in hospital.
boy: what happened why am I in hospital?
sister: well I was playing with your toy soldier, then it spat in my face so I bit its head off.Casual, but fun. Casual butt fun. That extra 't' can change your night.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: "Thanks for coming."
Why did the sad guitarist get arrested?
Because when a police officer asked him why he was sad, he said," I broke my g string while fingering a minor."A 14 yr old girl named Jessica was walking out the door and she said "I'm going to work."
Her Mum said "She never told us where she works."
Jessica's little brother, Oscar, said "I know where Jess works, but first Mum you said you were a prostitute, What's that?"
The father replies "It's a job where strangers pay to have sex with your Mom."
"That's funny," the boy said, "That's what Jessica does."A son is discussing funeral arrangements with his dying mother. ‘Would you like to be buried or cremated?’ asks the son. The mother replies, ‘I don’t know.Surprise me.’
Two preists were in the showers. One of the preist gets out to get spme soap when three nuns walk in. The preist instantly freezes hold a bar of soap in each hand. "what a life like statue" syays one of the nuns and they all start feeling the preist all over. One nun pulls his dick and he drops a bar of soap. " And its a soap despencer as well!" the nun says. the second nun pulls his dick and he drops another bar of soap. the thrid nun pulls his dick and nothin happens. she pulls again this time harder but still nothing happens. she pulls his dick again and again until at last she says "and its a moisturiser!!!"
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great; I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"
What did one leg say to the other leg?
Look, shorty's growin' a beard.Three guys went to a skiing lodge and asked for a room the clerk says "Oh sorry we are out of rooms we only have one available" one of the guys says "Thats fine we can share". So during midnight the guy on the very left woke up saying "Dude i had a wiered dream that i was having a handjob", the guy on the right side woke up saying the same thing, then the gun in the very middle woke up saying "Thats funny i had a dream that i was sking" :p
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note.Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."At this stage the priest decides to take action."Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?""Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
How do you circumsize a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jawOne day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"
Boy- give me a blow job
Girl-ok
Boy-starts to record her sucking
Girl-what are you doing(with dick in her mouth)
Boy- "replies" playing candy crush b*tch just keep sucking
Girl-.....I stopped a girl in the street last night and handed her a rape alarm and some pepper spray. She looked confused and said, "What are these for?" I started unbuttoning my jeans and replied, "I like a challenge."
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding oneanother. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"What does Disney world and Viagra have in common? You wait an hour for a two minute ride.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong ...
Do you like Dragons? Because later I'll be Dragon my balls across your face.
Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having sex with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say "Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet." The man get in the closet and little johnny says "Dark in here isn't it?" The man is startled but then calms down. "Yes it is." "Do you want to buy my baseball glove?" "No." "I could go to my dad." "Fine. How much? "200$" Fine. This happens again later in the week. "Dark in here isn't it?" "Yes, yes it is." "Do you want to buy my baseball bat?" "How much?" "300$" A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat. "I can't. I sold them to my friends." "For how much?" "500$" "That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession. They get to the church and little johnny gets in the booth. "Dark in here, isn't it?" The reverend says "Don't start that shit agin. Your in MY closet now."
Let's play carpenter. First we'll get hammered, then i'll nail you.
This young boy named Don walked into a whorehouse, slammed his money on the counter and said, "I want a woman!"The man behind the counter asked, "How old are you?"Don, replied, "I'm 17!"The man said, "Your too young, come back when your older, mean while practice on trees."A year later Don once again came back to the whorehouse, swung the front door open, then shut, stomped over to the front desk and slammed his money on the counter harder then before.He screamed, "GIVE ME A WOMAN!"The man behind the counter said, "How old are you?"Don, shouted, "I AM 18!"The man took Don's money and said, "OK, up stairs, second door on the left."Don didn't miss a beat. He ran up those stairs so fast he skipped every other step. It wasn't about 5 minutes later when the man behind the counter heard the whore up stairs screaming in complete and utter agony. So he jumped over the counter and ran up the stairs.Once at the room he kicked in the door and to his surprise Don had a broomstick shoved right up the whore's p*ssy.The man shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"Don simply replied, "Checking for squirrels..."
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire."The man said, "Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground."So the crocodile bit his legs off.
Boy: hey baby, maybe you should come over and I can show you a good time. It's really hard ;)
Girls dad: this is Serena's dad, what exactly will she be doing with something hard?
Boy: oh... Hey mr Gonzales I was wandering if Serena wanted to come play video games with me on hard mode.
Girls dad: well Serena isn't have now but I could come over and try, I love video games.
Boy: I don't think it's hard anymore...My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives.
So I double fisted her with a set of Hulk hands.A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn'tpaying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says,"No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!
Gay marriage and straight marriage are like Bra's and Bikini Tops... Really the same, but one is acceptable in public.
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.I'm not saying she's a slut, but if she advertised on tv, it would be called a nymphomercial.
one man and his wife were making a password for an account and the man wrote "my penis". The women started to laugh because it said "not long enough!!!!"
"I shall call it squishy, and he will be mine. He will be my squishy.""Let go of my boob."
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day.Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring."Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... "The poor, "Man nodds in agreement."Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo."Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."
Teacher : I need your email address to send you your missed work.
You : ......
Teacher : ......
You : tastybitch69@hotmail.com.Screw the nice list, I've got you on my "nice and naughty list!
Roses are tits
Violets are tits
I like tits
Tits?May I push in your stool?
Teacher: are you chewing boy? this is the worst blowjob I've had all day!
Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.
The pregnancy report of Santu’s wife came.Doctor said, "Oh, nothing to get excited, it was just the gas problem."Santu looks up at the sky towards the God and says, "Lord, What have you given me, a penis or an Air Pump."
I always stop to help stranded vehicles cause I'm a gentlemen... Plus I've seen enough porn to know the possibilities.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
how do you kill a redneck? Wait until hes done F*cking his sister and push the trailer off a cliff.
Girl Cop: "You have to right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be used against you."
Guy: "Boobs!"boy: hey D is calling you
girl: D who?
boy: D's nutsOne day, a mother and her daughter were walking through the park and came across two teens having sex. The daughter asks the mom, "Mommy, what are they doing?" After thinking for a moment, the mom replies "They are making cakes, sweetie."
The next day, the mother and her daughter are walking through the zoo and they see two monkeys having sex, and the daughter asks again, "Mommy, what are they doing?" and the mother replies again, "They are making cakes, sweetie."
A few days later, the daughter walks into the kitchen and asks her mom, "Mommy? Were you and daddy making cakes in the living room last night?" and the mother replies hesitantly, "erm... yes hunny, we were." The daughter says, "Oh, okay, because i licked the icing off the couch!"I hate those posts that say "taking off your bra at the end of the day is the best feeling you ever felt, guys will never understand". Guys like it just as much as girls do.
Me: I stopped a girl from getting raped today.
Friend: Really!? How?
Me: Self control bro, self control.A lady puts an ad in the paper that reads: "Recently single and looking for a man that will not run away, not hit me and treat me right in the bedroom." One day her door bell rings and there is a man with no arms and no legs at the door.He says: "I am here to answer your ad in the paper. I have no arms so I will not hit you and no legs so I cannot run away."She says: "What about the good in bed part?"He says: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Me: Mom, can I tell you something?
Mom: Sweetie, you can always tell me anything!
Me: You boss is a man-women...
Mom: That should explains her middle leg.What is the difference between mayonnaise and semen?Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.
Q: What did one tampon say to the other? A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party!vaginas are like weather,
when it's wet, it's time to go insideFriend pisses me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he uses it. Three months later... my mom's pregnant.
It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."
I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.There is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, "Sir you need to zip that up. You aren't supposed to pee in a public fountain like that"
So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing hysterically. finally the cop says "What are you laughing at?" and the man says "I zipped it up but I didnt stop!"
This joke was submitted by:
LesliA man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker.So the trucker stops and picks up the man.While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?"The hitch hiker says sure.So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job.So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?"And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."
One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."
Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.
When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.
Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.
She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.Why do people say 'Grow some balls?' Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
One day a mom and her son went to the zoo.There they saw two monkeys having sex. The son asked "What are they doing?". The mom said "Ohh they are making frosting", then they saw hippos doing it then he said "Mom what are they doing?" "Making frosting" she said.Later that night he saw there mom doing it. In the morning he said "Mom you and dad were making frosting so i ate it!"
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.
She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says...
"I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."For christmas a little boy asked Santa "Please can you send me a sister?" So Santa answers "Okay just send me your mum!"
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!
There is this guy and he wants to marry a girl but he is bad at choosing girls so he has a contest.First one to get as many ping pong balls as they can is my wife.The first girl brings back a whole bucket of them. the guy goes good, good.The 2 girl brings back a truck load of ping pong balls. He says, "Wow that will be hard to beat."Then the 3 girl comes back all bloody and bruised and is holding 2 big bloody things.The guy says, "What are those, I said ping pong balls.""Oh,"Says the 3 girl, "I thought you said King Kong's balls."
What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? Answer: Gum
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock?Oh wait... Twilight
what is the difference between women and airplanes, nothing they both have cock pits.
Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
It's because their balls afall over their butt-hole, which causes a vapor lockDaughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever.Me: What's that hunny?Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk.Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.
Next time you answer a blocked phone number talk like this.
"Jim's Whore House, you got the doe, we got the hoe."What did the letter P say to the letter R?
Wow that's huge!Calling your girlfriend your "girlfrien" because you'll give her the D later!
Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
No YouPorn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.
why did the pervert cross the road?
he couldn't get his knob out the chickenWhat is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
12 year old girl to 15 year old girl: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i've had sex with 12 guys and you haven't?!?! and you're fifteen?! LOL
15 year old girl to 12 year old girl: atleast my vagina is not like a skittle; letting every guy taste your disgsting old, smelly vagina
12 year old girl to 15 year old girl: HOLD UP! how'd you know it's smelly? hmm?
15 year old girl to 12 year old girl: every guy said so. Oh! and you've had MUCH MORE balls in your muth than hungry hungry hippoThree women walk in a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue."
The first lady says, "That's funny, I�m wearing yellow underwear."
The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink."
The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue."
To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!"
The three women are amazed.
The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!"
They never went there again!!Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story; in life, no on helps you once you're f*cked.
1+1 = 3 (When you don't use a condom.)
Bully: "Sees a fat kid eating pork"
Bully: Hey fat kid! You are so filled with wet pork. Fat Kid: You now why your mother became fat last night?
Bully: No?
Fat Kid: Last night, I was filling your mother until full.Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."So while a wife was contributing to the preparation of dinner inside she was feeling a bit self conscious about her but getting larger. In an attempt to get some support she goes out to her husband who was cooking on the bbq and says, "honey do you think my ass is big?". He looks up and then back at his grilling and just chuckles and says, " big! Its almost as big as this bbq." Totally hurt she goes back inside. After dinner and kids are in bed, the husband is feeling frisky and tries to rub up on momma. She of course gives him the cold shoulder due to his previous remarks. He scratches his head and attempts to rub up on her some more and she again gives him more cold shoulder. Finally he says, "What gives?". She rolls over and says to him, "What makes you think I am going to fire up this big ol' bbq for just one little weenie?"
Listening to censored hip-hop is like going to a whore for a hug.
Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo. Do not worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.
A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.
Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."
"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”“A hand job”, Harry reply.She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.The Greek: We built the Acropolis!the Italian: We built the colloseum!The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!the Italian: We made the Roman Empire!The Greek: We discovered sex!the Italian: And we introduced it to women!
The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"I had a threesome last night... There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
What do you call sex in a pool? Breast stroke.
Do you like to draw, because I'll give you the D and go in Raw.
A husband and a wife was setting up their own password for their computer. The husband puts "mydick" and the wife fell of the ground and started laughing, because the computer says "it's too short"
what is the differance between butter and a blonde? Butter is harder to spread.
what did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
hold on to your nuts cause this is gonna be some kind of blowjobThem: My d*ck is bigger than yours!
You: You saw your mom today!?( boy 1 ) : you need to say what ever i say in backwards.
( boy 2 ) : okay.
( boy 1 ) : A B C
( boy 2 ) : C B A
( boy 1 ) : 1 2 3
( boy 2 ) : 3 2 1
( boy 1 ) : okay lets make this harder : CRACK MY FINGER
( Boy 2 ) : Finger my crack .Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?They were really pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad.His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000."He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes"."Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."He did and came back and said, "She said yes."And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"Little Girl: Dear Santa, i do hope to have a little sister..
Santa: You want a sister? Send me your mother!A couple buys a new computer. They are trying to set a password then the husband types in "mypenis" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because it said sorry not long enough.
Guy: Wanna suck my dick?
Girl: No.
Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label-Warning! Choking Hazard!
Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?My four year old son walked in on me in the shower this morning.
"Daddy what's that hairy thing between your legs"
"Well son, that's the back of your mothers head"As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing."
The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."Had a fight with an erection this morning.I beat it single handedly.
Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there.
Well a week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.
One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.
The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.
"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to loose control!"
The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildo, my ass."One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.
What is long, hard, and full of seamen?
A SubmarineOne day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.
The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.
Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.
After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"
They say that when a women hits you it's her way of flirting. I just grabbed this girls ass and she flirted me square in the balls.
You need some more fuel for that fire? Cause I got some wood for you right here.
It's not rape if you jump on a cheerleader when she yells "Give me a D".
Why did God give Black guy's big dicks? He felt sorry for putting pubes on their heads.
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?You come in one and you go in the other!
Unscramble these words!
1.) PNEIS
2.) HTIELR
3.) NGGERI
4.) BUTTSXE
Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXTOne day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."What do a silver medalist and a priest have in common?
They both came in a little behindThree policemen are sitting in a car.Bored, as cards and domino make them sick already. On thinks of an idea:Guys, lets play golf. All we need is a stick, ball and a hole.I can arrange a stick, – one says.I will get a ball, - adds another.Guys, I’m not playing this dirty game, - says the third one.
What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end.A toothbrush with toothpaste
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.
The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"After working together for a while, Frank and Jane's office romance blossomed and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.Frank finds Jane very tight and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.When they are finished, Frank says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!"To which Jane replies, "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."what's the difference between a blond girl and a brick wall?
the brick wall only gets laid onceI love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it — and he's always on time.
There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."
"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.
"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"
"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."
"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.
"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"
"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.
"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.
"Nope 34" replied the man.
To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".There was once a plumber and a housewife. The housewife said "okay you finished cleaning my pipes now get to work on that sink".
Two condoms walk into a gay bar, look at each other and say "let's get shit-faced!"
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.
He thought to himself, "What should I do?"
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?"
She said, "Shhhh!" pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."New STD called "feelings", Don't catch that shit.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!Even though this isn't a petting zoo, you can still stroke my cock if you want.
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's clothing."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"What do you call 2 lesbians in a closet?? Liquor Cabinet......
Teacher: How we use the light?Pupil: To suck it?Teacher: Why do you say so?Pupil: Because every night, my mother says to my father, "Switch off the light, I wanna suck it!"
Q. Why doesn't Santa have any children?A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Yo mama like a vacuum she sucks,blows, and gets laid in the closet
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on meGirl: Screw you.
Me: When?
Girl: Ugh! Asshole!
Me: I said when not where.An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
My flow is frozen cause I live in the south.
Your mom likes it when I put my dick in her mouth.Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Easy way to tell if she wants it. Text her and say "wanna bang?" Wait for reply and if she gets mad just say "oh my gosh it was supposed to say hang"
Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
Which organ in the female body remains warm after death? My cock.
The three most important men in a women's life:
the doctor - who tells her to take off all her clothes
the dentist - who tells her to open wide
milk man - who asks if she wants it in the front or back.A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that sh*t in here," the priest saysFavorite dis if you love some pussy. lame dis shit if u les or gay
What's the similarity between a pulse and an orgasm?
I don't care if she has one or not.Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!"
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face!A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag. He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."
How much sperm does a gay guy have?
A butt-load!So 3 guys are sitting at a bar. Ones a doctor, ones a lawyer, and the others a biker. The doctor says,"Its me and my wife's anniversary. I'm going to get her a Porsche and a diamond ring!" "Oh yeah?" Questions the lawyer,"Well its me and my wife's anniversary too. I'm going to get her a Mercedes-Benz and a pearl necklace!" The Biker, rather lazy, says,"Oh yeah? Well its me and my old bag's anniversary also. Ima get her a T-Shirt and a vibrator. So if she doesn't like the T-Shirt, she can go f*ck herself!"
Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?A: For a better grip on there broomstick!
click kickass if you hate Papaya!!!!
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Bacon is bacon, eggs is eggs, don't open you legs, he says your cute, he says your fine, 9 months later he says its not mine
What happens when batman sees catwoman? The dark knight rises
I wonder if people with foot fetishes consider athletes foot an STD?
How did the snowman get happy?
The snowblower came aroundThe only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
North America, few hundred years ago. An indian is sitting, smokes a pipe. Breathes in, breathes out.His son comes up to him:Daddy, I have a questionWell, what is it?Why do we have such long names? Yankees, for example, have much shorter ones - John, Simon, Nicolas and similar.Our names come from nature. When your mother was born, there was a wonderful dew, so that is why she is called Fresh Dew. When your sister was born, there was a brilliant sunset. So that why she got the name Red Sunset. So, do you have any more questions, Fucking Bison?
Tommy went up to a little girl named Bubblez
he asked "wanna be my friend?"
she replied "Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
he said "I’ll give you candy"
she said "ok"
later on Tommy went up to Bubblez again
"wanna come yo my house and study?"
"Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
"I’ll give you candy"
"ok"
when they went to his place he asked
"do you want to go to my room?"
"Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
"I’ll give you candy"
"ok"
when their in his room he asks
"wanna take off your clothes and hope in bed with me?"
"Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
"I’ll give you candy"
"ok"
later on Tommy hears someone coming up the stairs
"Bubblez get off of me my moms coming"
"Bubblez don't wanna, Bubblez don't wanna"
"oh man, I have no more candy"
THE ENDQ: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber.
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man’s balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. “How’s your sex life?” asked the doctor.“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s obvious relief. But then the patient added, “I’ve had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems.”“What’s that?” the doctor asked anxiously.“Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water.”“Hmm,” said the doctor, thoughtfully.“That’s not all,” continued the patient. “When my wife does me orally, she gets heartburn.”“Hmm,” said the doctor, as his face reddened.“It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand….I get an erection!”
A girl has a sleepover with 3 guys. Then her dad comes down and paints her vagina purple. He tells the boys,''I'm going to sleep. When I come back i'm going to check and see if any of you had sex with my daughter.'' An hour later, he wakes up and checks everybody. When he checks the first two boys their penises are purple so he knows they had sex with his daughter. When he checks the last guy his dick is clean. The dad says ''Good job.''
When the third boy opens his mouth to say thanks, his mouth is purple!Why doesn't Santa have any kids? He only comes once a year.
How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
There's plenty of fish in the sea...
Just be careful not to catch crabs.A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still f*cking!"
A total naked woman rushed in a taxi. The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly. The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?" The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
Twinkle Twinkle little slut
Name A Guy u haven't f*cked
Was he skinny.
Was he tall
Never mind
You did them all
Twinkle Twinkle little b*tch
Close your legs they smell like fishA man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f*cking'."
His wife says, "That's a duck."
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow." The next day she came in wearing black! When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong. Moral of the story: she really loves me underneath it all.
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth
out?"When my girlfriend said she wanted to have sex I was really excited until I heard her singing in the shower, "I'm gonna put my dick in my boyfriends mouth."
they say you are what you eat,i am some cunt
God gave man a brain and a penis but only enough blood to use one of them
Guy: This chair is too hard.
Me: So was my dick last night but i didn't hear your mom complain.Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"
Q.what does a kfc box and a girl have in common?
A.after you eat them all out all you got is a greasy box to put your bone in.One day Mickey mouse found a text message to minnie saying to do it in the usual place. Mickey came up to minnie and yelled ,"Are you f*cking crazy!" She replied, "No i'm f*cking Goofy!"
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother,"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally comeup and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teethout?"
Me: hey girl spell me
Hot Chick: ok M-E
Me: you forgot the D
Hot Chick: theres no D in Me
Me: not yetThis guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" as he looked him up and down seductively.
"Sure," he says and they are off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."If you were a pole I would dance all over you.
Two guys are in a bar."Hey, I've got an idea -- let's play 'Twenty Questions!'""'Twenty Questions?' How do you play?""You ask me questions and try to guess what I'm thinking of.""Okay. But you have to write down what you're thinking of so I know you're not cheating." The man agrees, and writes down 'moosecock' on a small piece of paper."Okay, I got a question. Does it taste good?""Uhh...I guess so.""Is it moosecock?"
Boy: I'd tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long
Girl: I'd tell you a joke about my pussy, but your never going to get it.My girlfriend always calls me a pedophile, and all I can think is "Wow that is a big word for a nine year old."
Four men went to play golf.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock and bond portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a new Mercedes, and a complete stock portfolio!"I've never actually made it to the end of a porn. What happens? Do they cuddle?
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.Boy: I can tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long.
Girl: Well I can tell you a joke about my pussy but you'll never get it.
Boy: I can tell you another joke about your pussy,never mind it stinks.I wish my new girlfriend and I could try some different sex positions.
But the last time I untied her, she almost got away.A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?""Fertilizer," the farmer replied."What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him."We put sugar and cream on ours."
Kid: you no I want for Christmas. Santa:what? Kid: a boner
Aaron Hernandez goes to prison as a tight end. He'll come out a wide receiver!
George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true."I want to pee whiskey," he says.“But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want.""No I want to pee whiskey."The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true.George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses."Curious she was, she brings them."What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks."From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her. And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey. They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game.The other night the same happen."Woman, bring two glasses and nuts."So they spend their evenings. One night, however, the scene changed."Woman, bring nuts and a cup.""A, for one?""You will drink from the bottle today."
Bully: hey nerd
Nerd: oh yeah well your so fat Bully: no I'm not I just have big bones
Nerd: bones don't jiggle
One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you f#ck one goat......."Save electricity!
How would you like it if someone turned you on then left.Unscramble these words!
1.) PNEIS
2.) HTIELR
3.) NGGERI
4.) BUTTSXE
Did you get SPINE, LITHER, GINGER and SUBTEXT?I'm not saying you're a slut, but if you were a national monument you'd be the Statue of Liberty. A ton of dudes have been inside her.
Instead of going down the chimney, I'm going to dress up as Santa and come down my girlfriends throat.
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop."You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need.""I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him."It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.The older alien said, "I’d calm down if I were you."The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.""Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head."‘What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear…!"
If dicks were airplanes your mouth would be an airport.
Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives.
The Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"
He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring."
The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?"
The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy."
The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."
The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?"
The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."
The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"
The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself!"After a long time two friends met, happy to see each other.One of them, chewing on something big, asked his friend how was he and what was new in his life. After the friend told his story, he asked the same question to the friend who was chewing something."So, what’s up man?""It’s a shitty period, there is nothing that works in my life and I feel really bad.""What is going on?!"Last Saturday I went to Las Vegas. You know that from time, to time I’m going there to play at casino, three or four times a year. I took with me thousand dollars and I put the other hundred in my driving license that I left in the car. For the safety reasons, you know, if it goes really bad at casino, I must have the money to pay highway and go back home. And so I walked in casino, I bought the chips and found an empty seat on a roulette table, next to a beautiful woman, about forty years old with a very provocative neckline. I made my first bet on 32, the number of my house, aiming 10 dollars.""How did it go?"The guy continues to tell his story, without stopping to chew something."Released! I felt all the winning streak and I bet again on 32 and it’s released again. I was winning almost 13 000 dollars and the adrenaline was at maximum. I felt like I was the God and around the table came so many people to congratulated me and I bet more than 10 thousand dollars on 23.""And it went out again?""No! This time came out a bloody 13. Do you realize that I had the bad luck? I had in my hands a lot of money and if 32 came out I was settled for a life time. But the horrid number 13 ruined my evening and the hole week after.""I understand you very well. It ‘s really to eat the balls."The other friend, continuing to chew louder: "What do you think I’m doing?"
A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants!"Rudolph the well hung reindeer,Had a great enormous cock,All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock, All of the female reindeer, Had pussies that were just too small, Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sex at all, Then one horny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your cock so strong... Fuck my arsehole all night long!" Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say,"Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's gay"
Me: Can I call an officer a pussy?Cop: No.Me: Can I call a pussy 'officer?'Cop: I guess you could... Me: Goodnight, officer
Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick." His boss says, "When I am sick I **** my wife, try that." Two hours later the Chinese man rings back. "Me better, you got nice house!"
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a whore house for a hug.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
If you ever break your bone, I can give you another
(Kickass if you get it)bully: Your dick is the size of a tic-tack
nerd: So that's why your mom's breath is so fresh...What do prostitutes and vacuums have in common?
The both suck.What do you call a gay vampire?
A cocksucker!Mom (in shower): Ugh Ugh ohhh ya...
Me(on other side of door wanking): Oh god I'MA BLAST
Mom: what?
Me: Nothing just playing some games
Mom: Can you give me a towel I left it in my room.
Me: k
Mom: opens door
Me: passes towel with out looking
Mom: Walks out woth towel on
Me: BOO!
Mom: *drops towel*
Me: *beats meat*Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?A: WallnutsQ: What do you call nuts on your chest?A: Chest nutsQ: What do you call nuts on your chin?A: A penis in your mouth
Monday – a very, very, good day! The leader’s daughter lost. We found her and all of us made sex with her. Tuesday – a very, very, good day! The leader's wife lost. We found her and all of us made sex with her. Wednesday – a very, very, very, very, very, very, bad day! ... I lost! … Now they're looking for me.
In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time. They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this. The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready."Who was the first woman?" Peter asks. "That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!" Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks. "Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly. Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks. "My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...
Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
please show me more pics of girls with their asses hanging out at walmart.
Whats wrong with 6.9?
its a good thing ruined by a periodI think I'm allergic to your face. My dick gets swollen every time I see it.
What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma
"where's Mom and Dad?"
and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma
"where's Mom and dad"
and his grandmother replied
"they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked,
"what gives?
Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."You grow on people....so does cancer.
Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower is coming.Wanna know what trust is? Two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.
He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me.""I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Son:Mum i got suspended today
Mum: Why?!!
Son: It was pajama day at school today
Mum: So?!?!
Son: I sleep nakedIf you were a nail i'd hammer you all night.
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school.
They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable.
It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit sh*t!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."when
I
get down on my knees it's
NOT
to prayMonica is at the dentist.Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working. Monica's mobile phone starts ringing. Ignoring it four times, the dentist finally answers the phone pissed:What’s up?What’s up?, - some man asks.Dentist:Who are you?I’m Monica’s husbandDentist:Listen, man, I’m about to finish, she will spit it out and will call you back!!!
Two gay men live together in an apartment and have sex on a regular basis. One day, one man says he needs to go to the toilet and the other man just says "Okay, don't have a wank, we need to save all the cum for later."
"Okay" The other man says, and he goes into the toilet.
After a bit the other man thinks hes taking a while so he opens the door to see whats going on. When he opens the door he sees cum all over the wall and he says "I thought I told you not to have a wank!?"
The other man says "I didn't.. I just farted."What grows in your hands when u hold it ? This Dicckkkk
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
A girl was pampering a horse with her hand while watching display of the horses, suddenly she touched the genital of the horse. The excited horse screeched, jumped and ran away very fast.The horse’s guard faced the girl and said, “Ma’am please do the same to me, so I can run, chase and retrieve my boss’s horse.”
Roses are red violets are blue I like your pussy can I do U
Why was the snooker table laughing? Because a man put his hand down its pocket and tickled its balls!
I just came from home and I got a bad grade on my test.
Bully: Hahahaha, you fail!
Me: So did your dad's condom
Bully: ...I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.
if you cant afford porn just turn on tennis and close your eyes
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through sex."
The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years old, and I don`t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.What is the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
Babe when I die I want you to cremate me, pour my ashes into a bowl of chili, and eat me just so I can tear that ass up one more time!
Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.
A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.
She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"
The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"
And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"
The guy says: "In that case follow me"
So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"
So she picks up his d*ck, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"ReturnI'm so confused. This girl texted me and it said "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokenpleasegivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what 'ternative' means?
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Ten minutes of silence.What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
If we were stranded in a desert and a snake bit my penis, would you suck the poison out?
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman... it doesn't matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?""Yes," she purrs. "I am."The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says,“Your hair smells really nice today.” She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office.She says,”I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!” and then relates what happened.The manager says, “What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?”Furious, she snarls, “He’s a midget!”
Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".
This joke was submitted by:
Blake JulianAn old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, "Up or down?"
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.
The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, "Up or down?" But this time she merely answers, "Down."
Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.
She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "Fuck or drown.""Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"Three guys die and go to Hell.Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?""He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k.Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?""He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope.Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."
A woman walks in a porn shop. A man goes up to her and asks "Could you bend over?". "The woman replies "Uhh ok?". The man says "Now could you spell run?". The woman replies "Uhh ok?'. "R-U-N" She says. the man says "I will be in, in a minute, honey" LOLZ XD
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Nice tits!
What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.
Amber: I called a boy a mother f**ker last night.
Priest: Why did you do that?
Amber: He kissed me.
The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother f**ker?
Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.
The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother f**ker?
Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.
The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?
Amber:yes.
Priest : Is that why you called him a mother f**ker?
Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.
The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?
Amber: yes
Priest: Is that why you called him a mother f**ker?
Amber: no
Priest: then why did you call him a mother f**ker?
Amber: He had herpes!
Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!What's the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my dick up your ass.While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."
Why do Asians eat cats before sex?, because when you got a little dick you got to eat the pussy first.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, “Who here has ever seen a ghost?”Most of the hands go up.“And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?”About half the hands stay up.“Okay, now how many of you have had *physical* contact with a ghost?”Three hands stay up; there’s a slight murmur in the crowd.“Gosh, that’s pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh…, been *intimate* with a ghost?”One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.“Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you’ve actually had *sexual* contact with a ghost?”The fellow suddenly blushes and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,… I thought you said goat!”
My Friend: Did you know a screw and the wall can have sex.
Me: No?
My friend: Yeah it can because my screw went threw the wall and the wall was your mom!
Me: Tell that too you sister!
My friend: I Dont have a sister!?!
Me: You will in 3 mounths.
Classroom:OHHHH!
Teacher: Shut up every one! This is reading class no one should be talking
Me: Ok shut up!
Classroom:OHHHH!
Teacher: Principle now.
Me: Principle isnt in here dumbie.
Teacher: Ok smart guy whats 9+10?
Me: 3 babys and some cum left over.
Teacher: Ok im calling your parents!
Me: You cant there making a dog.
Teacher: How the FUCK can they MAKE a dog.
Me: You just said it.
*Teacher storms out the room*
Bully: Man you got to have no balls to do that.
Me: I know you'll find the answer for that in a few days
*Bullys phone rings*
Bully: Hello. YOUR PREGNATE!
Me: Never mind you'll find out now.
Thx for reading this give me a kickass for how long this was!
By the way give me a kickass for a free asian chick!"I shall call it squishy, and he will be mine. He will be my squishy."
"Let go of my boob."Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores."Not yet," said Little Johnny.His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal."How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks."Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Little red riding hood was going to grandmas house. Little reds boyfriend Anant said, "watch out for the big bad wolf, because he'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and eat you ". Little red says, " Shut up Anant. you stupid males. You have all forgotten how to screw a girl. You filthy pussy eaters"
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
How do you know that a blonde has been playing your video games?
The joystick is wet.A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal' s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived a powerful king and his beautiful queen. The queen was so gorgeous that the king's ministers were obsessed and craving to seduce her.One day, the king got an invitation to visit the King of Ethiopia and left behind his queen and his kingdom. Before leaving, he asked his three ministers to take good care of his queen and all his affairs during his absence. All three pronounced their loyalty.That night, when the queen was deep asleep the king placed a sharp blade inside her because he didn't trust his three ministers.The following week, the king returned and summoned his three ministers to the palace. He ordered all three to strip. To the king's surprise, two of them were penisless and the third was fine. The two unfaithful ministers were immediately executed. The king praised the third minister for his loyalty and asked him what he wished."Aaaah, aaaaaaaaah," he replied.
Knock Knock Whos there?
Eat mop eat mop who?
Eww eat your own pooTwo guys sitting in a bar decide to tell each other what they bought their wives for xmas. 1st guy: I bought my wife a necklace and a diamond ring that way if she hates the necklace she can still wear the ring. 2nd guy: I bought my wife an imported gold ornament and a car that way if she doesn't like the ornament she still has the car. A drunk guy sitting next to them says "I bought my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator... that way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fock herself
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.She says, "But sir, its just a sperm bank!""I don't care, open it now!" he replies.So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.The guy says, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples?" "DO IT!"So the nurse sucks it back."That one there, drink that one as well," so the nurse drinks that one as well.Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey its not that hard."
Boy: Babe, tell me something that makes me happy and angry at the same time.
Girl: You've got a bigger penis, than all of your friends.Crocs are like gay blow jobs,
The feel great until you look down.Girl: 'showering, Baby brother walks in'
Boy: What are those?
Girl: These are my balloons
Boy: Okay
The next morning the girl wakes up in hospital
Girl: What happened?
Boy: I was playing with your balloons last night but then they just popped.my longest record without masturbating is 11 years!!!! That was the first 11 years of my life.
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I’m lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn’t hear, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that’s easy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."When girls be like, "SUCK MY DICK!" Everybody laughs, but when boys yell, "EAT MY PUSSY!" Shit gets awkward.
"Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask."Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a p*ssy son.""Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?""NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.
Q: Why was Raggedy Ann kicked out of the toybox?A: Because she sat on Pinnochio's face and told him to lie!
Anant's English:
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this."
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.There was a woman that wanted to get drunk but....she had
one dollar. So she made a riddle well she walks into the bar
and tells a man can you solve my riddle if you get it wrong pay a dollar. "if I was as happy as I could be what would you do if my
pussy floated out to sea." Well people would get it wrong and she
got drunker and drunker until an old man showed up and he asked for the riddle so she tells it then he scratches his head then he says... "well if yer pussy floated out the sea ill wrap my balls around your ass use my dick as an oar and sail your pussy right back to shore.I'm the flower, you're the bee. Why don't you suck the sweet pollen right out of me?
Girl: What's up?!
Boy: I'll tell you whats up if you sit on itWhat did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? Beat it, we're closed.
A woman wants everything from one man.A man wants one thing from all the women.
I think "dildo" is an acceptable insult.
Like I'd call you a dick, but you're not real enough.Why did God give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.How are nail polish and panties the same?
They both come off with a little alcohol.Babe when I die I want you to cremate me, pour my ashes into a bowl of chili, and eat me just so I can tear that ass up one more time!
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can i make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
Girl walks in on her parents bedroom and says, "What are you two doing?"
Dad: "We're playing a game."
Girl:"What kind of game?"
Dad: "A sex game."
Girl: "Can I play?"In my bed, it's perpetual motion all night long, baby.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel."Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
Whats green and smells of pork ?........... kermits fingers
Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Boy: Wanna here a joke about my Dick? Nevermind, its to long.
Girl: Wanna here a joke about my pussy? Nevermind, you'll never get it.A women is like a grenade
Remove the ring and your house is goneYo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!
Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise!
Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
Yo mama's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors!
Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!
Yo mama's so fat she lays on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!
Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller!
Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!
Yo mama's so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th!
Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!
Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"!
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!
Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.Random kid: F*CK YOU!
Me: go f*ck yourself, you'll get more pussyHow does a gay man fake an orgasm?He spits on his partners back.
This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained."Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.Ian replied, "Pepper."
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any s*xual advances because of his tiny organ.Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p*nis."No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
Hey The Slut King, do you prefer sitting on a cake and eating a cock or sitting on a cock eating a cake?
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
Girlfriend: Fapping is such a despicably behavior
Me: You know, if god didn't want us to fap, he would've made our hands smaller
Me: Why do you think the T-Rex was so angry all the timeThey need a Car FAX report for girls.
"I've only slept with two guys."
Yeah right, show me the WhoreFAX.Kid: Go Fuck yourself
Kid2: at least I can say the alphabet, you choke on the d Everybody else: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMy dick died the other day, can i burry it in your ass today
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".Teacher: You have a D young man. What do u have to say for your self?
Me:I know I have a D, just ask your daughter.
Teacher: What!?!?
Me:What?A wife and her husband were trying to make a new password for their computer,the husbands puts "Mypenis" and the wife falls on the ground because on the screen it says"Error,not long enough".
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.I told my girlfriend that I have a cock to take care of this weekend. I wonder what she has against chickens?
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
Roses are red
Nuts are brown
Skirts go up
Pants go down
Body to body Skin to skin
When its stiff
Stick it in
The Longer its in
The Stronger it gets
It goes in dry And comes out wet
It comes out dripping And starts to sag
Its not what you think......
Its a TeabagFour men in a prison cell, a rapist, a murderer, a psycho and a gay person. The rapist says, "If there was a cat in here I'd f*ck it!!" The murderer says, "Ya! Once your done with it, I'd torture it to death!!" The psycho says, "Once it's dead I would f*ck it till I die!".
The gay person in the corner very softly says... "Meeoow."A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.
After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."
Jack and Jill ran up the hill to smoke some marijuana
Jack got high and lost his fly and asked her if she wanna
She said yes, pulled her dress and had a little fun
Jill forgot the pill and now they have a sonThere is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, "Sir you need to zip that up. You aren't supposed to pee in a public fountain like that"
So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing hysterically. finally the cop says "What are you laughing at?" and the man says "I zipped it up but I didnt stop!"
This joke was submitted by:
LesliA guy is walking around an auction and sees a mirror going for $25,000 and finds a lady and asked why it was priced so high? She said the mirror will do whatever you ask it to. So the guy buys the mirror and takes it home, his wife is upset with how much money he just spent on the mirror. When he explains what the mirror does she's like okay let's try it out. Mirror mirror on the wall I want 34 dd and boom she grew large boobs! Then the man walks up and says mirror mirror on the wall I want a dick that touches the ground, boom his legs fell off!
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."
I've some bread dough in my pants. Wanna see if it rises?
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"So a cowboy walks into a bar, and sees a girl. He says "Hey girl, I bet all 3 of your holes cant fit my dick!" So the woman unusually says "Wanna see my 4th one?" Rate if you get it :)
Twinkle twinkle little whore
Close your legs your not a door
People like you cause your free
I'ma laugh my ass off when you get an stdThis is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.Boy and Girl: Uh.... uh.... yeah..... ahh...... Mom: (knocks on door)
Boy: I'm cumming!
Mom: Ok I'll be downstairs.
Boy: -_-
Girl: OMG Calm ur dick!
Mom: (Opens door)
Boy and Girl: :O
Mom: ............ WTFJane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
"Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'"
"And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth.
Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"Why do guys think more then girls, and why do girls talk more then guys?Because guys have two heads and girls have two sets of lips.
I had to get an Xbox controller tattooed on my vagina.
So my boyfriend would play with me for a change.Having sex with you is lik running a red light, you tell me to stop but I don't.
*Texting*
Girl: Hey wanna know what gets my pussy wet?
Boy: what? ;)
Girl: Toilet water when I shit out a small whale.I like my women how I like my laptop. Sat on my lap, turned on & completely virus free.
What's the difference between liberachi and a refrigerator ." The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out
My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile. That’s an awfully big word for a nine year-old
Texting some girl.
Me:Hey whats up?
Girl:Nothin what about you?
Me:Textin' the most beautiful girl ever!
Girl:Aaaw how cute!
Me:Yea she didnt reply so im texting you LMAO
Girl:FFFUUUUUUUUUJack and Jill went up the hill
and did it in the water
Jack slipped
His condom ripped
and they ended up having a daughterThe best curve on a girl is her smile... Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass.
Friend 1: Hey, Are you allowed in your moms room?
Friend 2: Yeah. why?
Friend 1: Good, can you grab my pants?Michael J Fox has a small one. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one. Nuns dont have one. The pope has one but doesn't use it. Your dad has one but you mom uses it as well.
What is it? It's a last name of course.I bet even your farts smell good.
As I was running my fingers through my hair, I thought to myself... I really need to shave my ass.
Yo Mama's like a fast food retaurant, she takes orders from the front and the back
Yo Mama's teeth are so spaced out it looks like her tongue is in jail
Your Momma is like Burger King "Have it Your Way"
Yo Mama's glasses are so thick she looks at a map and sees people waving.
Yo Mama's so loose it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway
Yo Mama has touched more knobs then the gas man
Yo Mama's so fat that when God said "let there be light" he told your momma to move her fat ass out of the way
Yo Mama's so skinny she has to wipe her butt with dental floss
Yo Mama's so greasy that she has to use baccon as a bandaid
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently."Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!""Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were.""Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin. "I was talking about the flavour!"
I'm not saying she's a slut but she's been under more sheets than the KKK.
This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract.
He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I
will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand
and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just asked my husband how we could help and he just said, 'Fuck the Rabbi!'"Hitler conquering another village while ww2 and he decided to give a chance for every woman in this village to save their families.He made all men to stand naked one next to another in stright line and every woman have to find her husband by doing them bl*wjob. First woman starts to suck and saying:"Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, Mine!"It's turn out that she was right so they could walk away free. Second woman starts to suck:"Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, MINE!"True again so Hitler was deeply surprised and decided to stand in line between men of village. Third woman starts to doing her job and saying:"Not mine, not mine, not mine , not mine, not from this village, not mine...."
When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger d*ck than he does and to make him cry I showed him".I could never fight a gay guy. I don't know how to start. "I'm gonna beat your ass... I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean Fuck you, damn it, I give up
What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?Hit either one of them and you're grounded.
Whats the smallest kind of hotel?
A pussy cause you have to leave your bags outWhat's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Kid: I love you. You love me.
teen: dude what are you 5???
Kid: ya 5 inches deep in your mom!!!Might I integrate your curves tonight?
Your like dragons?
Cause I'm going to dragon these nuts across yo face.Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that."Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:- You can GET chocolate.- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.- You can have chocolate in in public.- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind.- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.- Size doesn't matter -- though more is still better.
Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
Some people prefer their women young and tender; I prefer mine ten and younger.
How do you know when a machanic has had sex?.. Two of his fingers are clean.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed."If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked."Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel."Go and get help!" he cried."But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!""Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.Why did God gave boys a penis? Because It's only way to shut up women!
But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
Have you ever taken a shit that felt so good you thought you might be gay?... Me either.
Been chatting to a 14 yr old on the internet.She is funny, s*xy and flirty.Now she tells me she is an undercover cop.How cool is that at her age!
Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
Two hot women, a blond and a brunette, went into a x-rated movie theater.
Ten minutes into the movie, the blond tells her friend, "I can't believe this, the guy next to me is jerking off! What should I do?"
The brunette keeps staring at the movie screen and says, "just ignore him."
The blond says, "I can't. He's using my hand."I hate how life is filled with double standards. If a girl fucks a bunch of guys she's a whore. If I do, I'm gay. Wtf?
This guy anant and this girl are at the end of their blind date and before he says good night to her she asks him if he wants to have a drink and he says ’’yes’’ so they go in the house and they go in her room and she says’’close your eyes i have a surprize for you’’.she later says ’’you can open your eyes now’’ he opens them and she has whipped cream all over her ’’pussy" and he goes and start eating the whip cream until he found himself with a dick in his mouth,the girl starts crying and says’’i should of never lied to you, I'm a man my name is Bob and im a plumber from massachusetts and the guy with a shocked look says’’i thought you were from boston’.....!!!!!
Me - Can you go to your moms room?Friend - Yeah, why?Me - I left my pants in there.Friend - Fuck you!
What’s the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.A barmaid at night is bare and...
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."
A lady takes her 5 year old son to the zoo. One of the first thing they saw was a couple animals doing it. The 5 year old asks, "Mommy, what are they doing?" She didn't know what to say, so she said "Well,they're making fish sticks." Five minutes later, a couple more animals were doing it and again he asked the same thing and again she said "They are making fish sticks." When they got home, she was in the bedroom with her husband for about ten minutes, and when she got out, her son ran up to her and asked "Mommy, were you in the bedroom making fish sticks with Daddy?" She said, "As a matter of fact we were." And he replied, "I thought so, because I can see tarter sauce on your chin."
What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
When I was younger I used to think having sex was kissing naked. One day after showering my dog came in the restroom, so I kissed him on the head, after realizing what I did I ran downstairs, and told my mom that I had sex with the dog, you can image her face after hearing this. Yep I was a very dumb child.
Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks."No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts. "Say, what's your name, mister? " she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours? "I'm June, June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? " she challenged the trucker some miles down the road. "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a question of his own, "Having eight inches of Snow in June? "
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to smoke a little grass.
Jill got stoned, Jack whipped out his bone,
and got a piece of ass.What did the gay dentist say to the gay patient?
Open wide!Q: Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex?A: He didn't want to get hearing aids.
Roses are red,
Violets are twisted,
Now bend over,
You are about to get fisted1). Got 4 friends? Play This Game.
2). Say I poo, instead say I one poo
Then I two poo, I three poo, I four poo, I five poo, I six poo, I seven Poo.
3). Guess what's the next one? 4). I eight poo = I ate poo.
5). Unlucky eighth friendA Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk. If you want it harder, you say tomato. If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich." So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"
what starts with p and ends with orn. if you guessed popcorn you are right
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!30000 battered women in America, and all this time I've been eating them plain!
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."What is similar between a gay man and a housefly ?
They both love shitholesAlfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?" Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
Q: What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?A: Well hung.
Brother was screwing his sister. Sister-your prick is longer than dads. Brother-yah, even mom says so.....!!!!!
Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard . Does any one know what that is?"Yes," says Tommy."My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."
A man was playing a game of golf with an assassin. In the middle of the game, they had a conversation.
Assassin: "Hey, isn't that your wife and some guy f*cking in the car?"
Man: "Oh my God, it is! Hey, I want you to shoot both of them for me, ok?"
Assassin: "Okay, but I charge a thousand dollars per shot."
Man: "Deal. I want you to shoot my wife in the head and the guy in the dick.
The assassin sets up his shotgun and he says this
Assassin: "Hey, its your lucky day! Your about to get a two for one!"A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Little Johnny isn't paying attention so she asks him this, "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one how many are left." Johnny says none. The teacher asks why. "Because the shot scared them off" says Johnny. Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
ur such a slut people call u a bowling ball, u get fingered thrin diwn the lane and come back for more
Face down, ass up.
That's the way I tie my shoes.Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
Dear Husband,
I have been feeling really dirty lately. Please do me.
Love, DishesBoyfriend: I was going to tell you a joke about my penis but its to long.
Girlfriend: I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy but you'll never get it.The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well.
The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.
She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."Friend: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
Me: The best ones squirt when you eat them.How about I slip down your chimney, at half past midnight?
I think Santa Claus had an argument with his wife one night, he started calling her names; the neighbours heard him saying ho ho ho.....
Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ? In both cases you really dont want to look down !
When a husband died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added the fact that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was."
"For love on the first sight, there's a tremendous medicine!""What medicine?""To get another look...!"
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water.
Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"I find it ironic that chicks are always attracted to assholes, but rarely agree to anal.
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?A: They are both meat substitutes.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.
one day a little boy and a little girl were taking a bath because they didn't know what anything meant yet. The little girl looked down and saw the boys penis and asked "what's that?". The boy said "i don't know i will ask my daddy.". And then the boy looked down and saw her vagina and asked "what's that?". The girl said "i don't know, i will ask my mommy.". So they both go home and ask there parents.
The boy said "daddy what's this?". His dad said "son that's your car, you try and put it in a girls garage.". The boy said oh and ran upstairs to play.
The girl said "mommy what's this?'. The mom said "honey that's your garage, you don't let boys park there cars in there.". The girl said "oh." and ran upstairs to play.
The next day the little boy and girl were takink another bath and told eachother what there parents said. The boy remembering what his dad said tried to put his 'car' in her 'garage'.
A couple minutes later the girl ran home crying with blood all over her. The mom said "honey what happened?!?!?". The girl said "a boy tried to put his car in my garage so i slit his back tires!!!".Girl: How much do you love me?
Boy: E,F,G,H,I,J,K
Girl: What does that mean?
Boy: Entertaining, Gorgeous, Hot, Intelligent
Girl: What does J, K, mean?
Boy: Just Kidding Bitch!
Girl: -_-roses are red violets are blue one riped condom that caused you
Don't ever let your girl talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.
#Based on a true storyA five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go f*ck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
A man goes to the toilet. Another man rushes into the same cubicle sits on the guys knee and starts crapping everywhere.
The guy looks and sees the guy sat on the toilet and says: "Oh I am ever so sorry about that I didn't see you." The guy sat on the toilet says: "Don't worry. I pulled your trousers up before you could crap on me."A nun with big boobs boarded a bus and sat near a dude. The dude kept looking at the nun's boobs. The nun realized this. She held her rosary and asked, "Are you looking at Jesus on the cross?" The man said "No, I'm looking at the 2 thieves beside him."
I think I just evolved into Homo Erectus.
Instead of sending dick pics I'm gonna start sending junk mail. It's pretty much the same thing only it sounds a little classier.
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the f**k's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?
One of the two adult female friends got married and went on honeymoon to Hawaii.On return curious other girl asked her friend, “What sightseeing places did you go in Hawaii and what did you see?”The honeymoon girl explained, “For seven days, I saw only the fan on the ceiling of the room and occasionally when turned around, I saw the bed sheet too.”
Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say.
Friend: Alright.
Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You decided to get drunk.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You went to the bar.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You found a hot chick there.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You both came into your room and had sex.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: Next morning you wake up.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: And she says...
Friend: I am a man.Q: What did the prick say to the balls?A: You guys hang around here while I go inside!
One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."
He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."
She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."
whats long hard and girls dance on it
a striper pole
you pervGetting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics. You keep cheering them on, but deep down inside you know you can do better.
Me: If I washed my dick would you suck it?
Her: NO!
Me: You dirty cock suckerQ: What's the difference between 3 d*cks and a joke?A: Your mom can't take a joke.
Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?A: So you don't poke your eye out.
boy: hey girl, my di*k is 10 inches
girl: mine is tooI saw my sister take a whole cucumber up to her room.
I was shocked. The fat cunt is actually eating something healthy for once.Detective 1: It seems that the victim died of blunt force trauma.
Detective 2: My favorite kind of sex.Teacher: Can you use harassment in a sentence?
Student: Her mouth said no but her ass meant YES.A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.He immediately told her to undress.After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”“That is right,” said the doctor.He then began to fondle her breasts.“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”
What's the difference between a mosquito and a woman?When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...Looking for man with these qualifications:- won't beat me up- won't run away from- is great in bed.She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?""About 35,"he replied."I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.He replied, "Oh, you look about 29.""I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg? You get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother. Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.He says, "What's your name?"She says, "Carmen."He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"She says, "No, I named myself."He says, "Why Carmen?"She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"He says, "Beerfuck."
Why is the Easter Bunny Hiding his Eggs.... Because hes Ashamed He Fucked a Chicken
Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they are used to eating nuts!
Dad- Say daddy
Baby-Mommy
Dad- No say daddy...
Baby- No mommy
Daddy- Fuck you say daddy...
Babby Fuck you mommy
Mom-(Walks in the door)---What are you doing
Daddy- trying to get the baby to say daddy Baby Mommy
Daddy- (says quitley) f*ck you say mommy
Mommy- WHat did you say..
Babby- Fuck you mommy
Mommy- BABY WERE DID YOU LEARN THAT!!?!
Babby- DADDY
Dad- SHITThree rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second. "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
As I was driving home I hit a cat.
When I got home my dad said
" Why are you getting home so late?"
I said back "I creamed some pussy."What nutrients do blowjobs give people?
Vitamin D1, 2
I like you
3, 4
Cum some more
5, 6
Longer dicks
7, 8
Masturbate
9, 10
I cummed again
11, 12
Condom on the shelve
13, 14
Flat-Chest Pre-teen
15, 16
Nudes I've seen
17, 18
Pregnant Teen
19, 20
Oops to many!How do lesbians handle their liquor?By the ears. (Lick her)
What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.
If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" was not the right answer
What the hell is miss universe? I mean does she have earth as her head or is she universes number 1 prostitute?;)
Boy: Want to have sex.
Girl: Yeah, I’ll be over on my dinosaur in one minute.
Boy: Dinosaurs don’t exist.
Girl: Neither do your chances at having sex with me.Your moms like a bowling ball
She gets picked up,fingered, Thrown in the gutter and comes back for moreYou know I would love to show you the toys my elves make for adults.
Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
"Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks.
"No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
So Jenessa walks in on her parents having sex and she questions what they are doing. Her mom says "Oh well sweaty we are making a cake." About 1 week later Jenessa asks her mom if they were making a cake last night and her mother said "yes we were, but how did you know?" Jenessa replies "Because I licked all the icing off the bed."
A man and his wife are having sex when a bee flies into the woman's vagina and won't come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his penis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having sex. After a while it has gotten more intense and the man angrily asks if he was still trying to get the bee out and the doctor replies "Change of plans. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
There are three pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead all sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. To break the silence the brunette says "apparently the position you do when you have sex determines the sex of the baby, I was on top so I'm having a boy". The redhead then adds "Well I was underneath so that means I'm having a girl". The blonde then says worryingly "Oh sh*t, I'm having puppies".
If your left leg was thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I come visit you between the holidays?
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly.Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause.She replies, “No.”Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?” “No. I’m Swedish.”
Someone who thinks he's cool: YOU SUCK !!!!!!!!!
YOU: And you swallowWhat does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ?
A clit around the ear and a flap across the face4 reasons why I curse
1) Because I fucking want to.
2) Because I fucking can.
3) Because I don't give a fuck.
4) Because my mom isn't around.The real reason women will never be the ones to propose:
As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.The average speed of ejaculation is 45km/h, which is probably why I was arrested for doing it outside a school.
*man gets abducted by aliens*
News reporter: whats these rumours about you getting abducted?
abducted man: ABDUCTED? I GOT RAPED! now i dont mind rape as long as im the muther f*cka doing the raping! THEM E.T's WENT STRAIGHT FOR MY SHIT-BOX!!!Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
Press kickass if agree that porn is overthrowing Miley Cyrus
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb."When they got to the beach they split up.Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''
Tia and Luke bought a new Computer. They try to figure out a new password. Luke had a great idea. He typed down 'Mypenis'. Tia was on the ground laughing because on the screen it said 'ERROR NOT LONG ENOUGH'
You have the perfect face for radio.
I like my women how I like my laptop. Sat on my lap, turned on & completely virus free.
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running c*nt.
Whore: Eww It Smells Like Fish In Here!
Me: Well Bitch Close Your Legs !Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
...Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom:...A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy."Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?""No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?""That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you. Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty. "
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."Boy: dad can i take a shower to? Dad: no. Boy: but its my birthday. Dad: ok but dont look down. Boy: (looks down) what is that? Dad: its a lamborghini. Boy: ok. Boy: ( later on) mom can i take a shower to? Mom: no. Boy: but its my birthday. Mom: ok but dont look up or down. Boy: (looks up) what are those? Mom: headlights. Boy: ok (looks down) whats that? Mom: a garage. Boy: ok. Boy: ( later) mom and dad can i sleep with you. Dad: ok but dont looks under the covers. Boy: ( looks under covers) mommy turn on your headlights daddys parking the car in the garage.
SON: Hey dad remember when I killed that butterfly and you said no butter for a week
DAD: YEAH?
SON: and when I killed that honeybee you said no honey for a week
DAD: And
SON: Yeah, well mum just killed a cockroach should I break it to her?
DAD: ......What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I can't peanutbutter my d*** in to your a**
but i can jam my d*** in to your a**What kind of bees make milk?Boo-Bees!
(girl) Fuck you b*tch
(guy) I would, but i dont like shit on my dickThere was a man and his wife putting a password on their new computer. The man entered 'MYWILLIE'. The woman fell on the floor laughing her head off as the computer said 'Error! Not long enough'.
There's a guy with a 25-inch penis and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having sex with. One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem. She tells him about a frog who can make his penis smaller. All he had to do is make the frog say no and his penis would shrink 5-inches. So he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him. The frog says no and hes down to 20-inches. He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone. He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him. The frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no."
Friend: "She's hot."
Me: "Yeah, I'd respect the shit out if her. Then introduce her to my family so hard."A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
I see you ordered the most expensive item on the menu for our first date.I hope you realize that it comes with a side order of my dick.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
(Dad's daughter walks up to him)
Daughter- Dad i gotta tell u something...
Dad- Whats tht?
Daughter- I'm a lesbian.
Dad- Okay.
(Dad walks around then his other daughter comes up to him)
Daughter #2- Dad i gotta tell u something...
Dad- Whts tht?
Daughter #2- I'm a lesbian.
Dad- Damn, does anybody in this house like dick?
Son- I do!!!!What has a hundred balls and f*cks old women?Bingo!
When science teachers have sex they shout out the whole periodic table.
"I'm nervous... I've never been with a prostitute before"
"it's alright baby just tell me what you like"
"I like turtles"When a Serbian walks into a wall with a boner, they hit their nose.
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand, the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"What does a white chick and a tampon have in common?They're both stuck up cunts !
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?A: Because they can.Q: So why do they stick their noses in women's crotches?A: Same reason.
Boy: you want to hear a story about my dick? Forget it it's to long!
Girl: you want to hear a story about my pussy?
Boy: no I heard it is over used!A girl is blowing her Boyfriend.
Boyfriend: Damn, this is great.
Girlfriend: I would hope so, it took a long time to master this.
Boyfriend: You were blowing dudes behind my back?!
Girlfriend: Well, technically it was under the table. Anyway, how else did you think i could afford my Iphone?Hey babe, I'd like to take it your rack! High five!
As I stand here, and try to piss,I think of the gal that gave me this.If I see her, when I get well,I'll get it again.As sure as Hell.
Girl: Those f**king mosquitoes won't stop eating me up!
Boy: Well, tell them to let me have a turn.
Girl: What?
Boy: What?Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church... everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
Guy: Hey im desperate for good sex
Girl: Your Mom and Dad were desperate for good sex but it was not good enough.
Guy: Why?
Girl: Cause you came out of your moms vagina 9 months later
Guy: Screw you!What do you call an epileptic in a bath tub?
A washing machineMy favorite position is called 'The Zombie'.
I just lie back and get eaten.He came in the middle of the night. He sucked, liked and explored my body. And when he was satisfied he left. I was hurt... That damn mosquito!
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"Why do people say 'Grow some balls?' Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex you dress yourself.
Moral of the story: No one helps you once you're f*cked.Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. "Ive never done that" she says, "what do I do ?" "Well" replies Ben, "remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do." She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?'Ben cries "TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END!"
what did the penis say to the condom? cover me. im going in.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after sex, you don't deserve a f*cking sandwich.
What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?
If you see a whore on the street.
"What job centre did you go to?"
"F*uck of!"
"Oh, is that what they told you?"Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...""Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."A guy went to a casino and lost all 10 000$. Swearing for the situation he goes to a taxi driver and asks:I have lost all my money, please give me a ride back home for free.Fuck off, no money, no ride.The next day the guys come to casino again and this time he successfully won all the money back and 10 000$ extra. Hi goes out of the casino happily and sees five taxis, and the last car is the one, which refused to give a ride for free yesterday.He goes to the first taxi and says:Will you take me home for 100$Sure!But when you take me there you'll have to do the blow-job as wellFuck off, man..The guys goes to all next three cars and the story repeats. Finally he goes to the last taxi driver, who refused to help a day ago, and says:Will you take me home for 100$?Sure!Deal, but you have to pass through those other four taxi drivers very, very slowly.
A husband and wife are trying to setup a new password for there computer. The husband puts "mypenis" and the wife starts laghing because the computer says "ERROR: NOT LONG ENOUGH"
Boy: Wanna hear a dirty joke
Girl: Sure
Boy: My too do list : You
Girl: Finish your list then.This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them."You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." /* =================================================================== */ /* Main Styles */ #tafmaster_form{ margin:0px; padding:0px; } .errors{ width:350px; text-align:center; background:white; color:red; border:2px solid red; display:block; margin:auto auto auto auto; padding:3px; } .errors a { color:black !important; } .smallerrors { text-align:center; background:white; color:red; } #tafbody{ border:none; margin-top:0px; padding-bottom:0px; background:white; color:black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica; } #tafbody a{ color:black; } #tafmaster_formbox a{ color:black; } #tafmaster_formbox{ border:4px solid white; margin:auto; padding:10px 1px 10px 1px; width:475px; /* fixed width do not change */ display:block; background:white; font-size:12px; color:black; font-family: Arial,Helvetica; } #tafmaster_formbox #innerbox{ margin:auto auto auto auto; 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color:black; font-size:9pt; background: white; border: 3px solid #000000; display: block; position: absolute; visibility: visible; width: 250px; height: auto; z-index: 1000; } #tafmaster_mo_box #mo_header{ background-color: white; margin-bottom: 3px; width:auto; border-bottom: 1px solid white; } #tafmaster_mo_box #mo_header #mo_title{ display: block; padding: 2px 2px 2px 5px; width: 200px; float: left; font-weight: bold; } #tafmaster_mo_box #mo_header #mo_closebtn{ display: block; padding: 3px; width: auto; float: right; } #tafmaster_mo_box #mo_body{ height: auto; padding: 5px; width:auto; } /* =================================================================== */ /* Misc.Styles */ .hspacer{ clear:both; }Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.
Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.
One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.
'You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,' she said.
'I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way.
They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.'
'Excuse me, Mother,' one of the girls asked. 'You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?'
'Yes child, why do you ask?'
'Because the priests only give us candy!'A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Roses Are Red Violets Are Blue
Give Me Your Number
I Want To Fuck You!If your grandma's furniture is wrapped in plastic it's probably because she's a squirter.
It was the night before christmas,
When all through the house,
Not a creature was stiring,
Not even a mouse,
With mom at the whore house,
And dad smoking grass,
I just settled down,
For a nice peace of ass,
When out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung to my feet,
To see whats the matter,
When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
I knew for a moment,
It must be saint nick,
He came down the chimney,
Like a bat out of hell,
I knew for a moment the fat fucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings,
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick,
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney eith a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew my chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he wrode out of sight,
And said piss on you all,
And have a hell of a good night.
A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"
The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."
The bus driver says, "I'm not married"
The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".
Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.
When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."
The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"
This joke was submitted by:
Johnny Nielsonboy-do you like penise caloda
girl-yeah now put in the blenderValentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together
Two condoms are walking down the street when they walk by a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Hey man, you wanna get shit-faced?"
What comes after 69?Mouthwash.
Q: What do you call a blonde at a golf course?A: The 19th hole.
Hello guys this is a gay test
If you rate this kickass ur not gay, vice versa.
I wanna c how many ppl r gayMy girlfriend said if this joke gets 1000 likes we'll try anal. Please don't rate it kick ass her strap on is like 5 black men combined.
A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts this is no ordinary blow job.Hey guys. Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Thank me later.
My girlfriend was acting very immature so i said "look, if you wana act like a child il treat you like one".
Next thing i knew she was in a school uniform sitting on my lap calling me daddy, this went on for a good 20 mins or so until i remembered "shit its 8:30!, your gonna be late for school".Last night I finally popped the question to my girlfriend of 2yrs.... Why do you have a cock?
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
This joke was submitted by:
KevboMen? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.
A nun gets on a bus thats empty except for the driver.She says "I'm going to die soon but I want to have sex before I die. Problem is I must remain a virgin so it has to be to ass. I can't commit adultery, so the man must be single.Can you fulfill my wish?""Yes" says the bus driver and fulfills her wish.Feeling guilty he says "I'm sorry I lied, I'm married with 3 kids." "Thats ok" replied the nun "I lied too.""My name is Kevin and Im going to a fancy dress party."
I like big girls because, no matter where you grab them, it feels like titties.
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"His mom says, "Why?"And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."
Sex is good, sex is fine.
doggy style or 69,
just 4 fun or getting paid,
everyone loves getting laid,
so if u want me in the sack,
lick ur lips n kickass me back.How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
A kid went to the police department to report about his stolen bicycle.
OFFICER: Are you suspicious about anyone who would steal it?
KID: My parents, I guess. Because in the night I heard dad saying:
"Hump on it before Derek wakes up!"A captain in the foreign legion is transferred to a desert outpost where he notices an old, seedy looking camel at the back of the barracks.
He asks his sergeant what it is for.
"Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere and the men have natural sexual urges. When they do, they use the camel."
"Gosh," says the captain, "Well if it's good for morale, it's fine by me."
The captain soon becomes frustrated himself and finally tells the sergeant to bring him the camel.
The sergeant shrugs his shoulders and brings the camel to the captain's quarters.
The captain gets a foot stool and begins to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he steps down, satisfied, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replies, "Well no, sir, usually they just ride the camel to the nearest brothel."I think some girls should be restricted from wearing yoga pants.
I just saw a camel toe that looked like a queen size mattress folded in half.I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day. It said "Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in." So I left it with a porn mag and a line of coke ...
A little girl walks into her parents bedroom one night. "WTF" She screams "And you want me to see a doctor for sucking my thumb.
"Mr. Ben, I am asking for your daughter's hand.""Why? I don't get it, don't you have a hand?""I do sir, but I'm sick and tired with my own hand sir!"
I heard you like Mickey D so i put on mouse ears.
Why doesnt a man eat out an 80 year old woman? Ever opened up a grilled cheese?
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Dirty Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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