A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.A stuttering man finally decides to go to the doctor to see if his speech impediment can be cured. The doctor thouroughly examines the man and finally asks him to drop his pants. Out comes this gigantic dick and the doctor pronounces the root of the problem to be strain on the vocal chords from the effects of gravity being transmitted up to the neck area. The patient then asks, "wh-wh-at c-c-ca-an b-b-e d-d-done ab-b-bout- t-t i-i- t?" to which the doctor replies, "modern surgery can work miracles. We can replace your dick with one of normal size and the stuttering will disappear right after the operation." The patient eagerly agrees to the surgery, and as promised his stuttering dissapears. About 3 months later the man returns to the doctor and complains, "doctor, I am grateful to you for having cured me, but my wife really misses a big dick and rather than lose her I've decided to get my old dick back and live with stuttering for the rest of my life." The doctor then looks straight at the man and replies, "d-d-de-deal's a d-d-deal."
A man goes to an optician asking for help about his shortsightedness.
The optician invites the man to go outside the shop, points to the sun and asks the man what that is. The man somewhat stunned replies obviously: that’s the sun! Thereafter the optician asks: but how far do you want to see?Jim Visits the Family Doctor
Doc - Ha! Hey Jim what's up this time.
Jim - This time it's a severe situation doc!
Doc - mm Keep Saying Jim...
Jim - Doc I've been that notorious clown since ever, but today I just found a site that pays for a good rated Joke and ever since then !!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Joking nerves trifle Me !!!!!!
Doc - Hahahahahahahahahahaha !!! ** Cracking
Jim - Okay! It's working now, Thanks Doc ;)
* Updates the Post ;) :D :P-Doctor,doctor,what did you say.... Piscis, Aquarius...???
-No! I said Cancer.!!!The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son – a recent medical student. When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.
“My boy,” said the old doctor, “I’m proud of you, but Miss Ferguson’s indigestion is what put you through college.”
Submitted by cris.
A person went to an interview of a healthcare organization. After the first question he was disqualified.
Interview Board: Why do people have different kind of blood groups?
Applicant: Because mosquitoes love to enjoy different kind of flavors.One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
A man asked a doctor, "Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the surgery?".
Doctor: "Sure, why not?"
Man: "Good, I couldn't play one before."I’m worried about your heart murmur,” the doc told Jack. “I’ve always had a heart murmur,” Jack protested. “Yeah,” replied the doc, “but now the murmur has started
humming.” “That doesn’t sound good!” Jack was getting worried now. “It’s worse than you think,” the doc said. “It’s humming ‘Nearer My God to Thee.’”It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.
“No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”Patient comes to the doctor.
Doctor: So, what concerns you?
Patient: Dr, everyone ignores me!
Doctor: Next!
Lol!!A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed.
"Breastfed", she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist." The doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know", she said, "I am his Grandma."The man lay on the couch telling his psychiatrist a sad tale. “I see my brother, Doctor,” he said. “He is walking down a long corridor, walking up fifteen steps in the green door. There are lots of people standing around. They’re bandaging his eyes – ooh – Doctor, Doctor what does it mean?” “Well,” said the psychiatrist, “if they ain’t playing blind man’s bluff he’s in real trouble.
Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.”
Dentist: “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”
Submitted by unni.
A man goes to see his doctor because of a problem he is having concerning his memory. The man tells the doctor "I have been having lots of problems remembering things that happened in the past couple of hours, you know, my short term memory." The doctor replies "How long has this been going on?” The puzzled man looks back at the doctor and says "How long has what been going on?"
A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. “You see, Doc,” the patient explained, “my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots.” “Why, that’s no problem,” answered the doctor. “Most people like shoes better than boots.”
The patient was thrilled, “That’s neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?Q: Why did the T-rex go to the doctor?
A: Because he had a Dino-sore!At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients.
He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair, "that's easy," came the reply, "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front"The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure".
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,".
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an over-sized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.
The patient replied: So did my arthritis!A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won’t budge." The psychiatrist muses, “Interesting." But tell me what does the sign on the door say? The guy replies, “It says 'Pull'”!!!
A young blonde goes to the doctor and says I hurt all over. The doctor says point to where you hurt.
She points to her elbow and says "OW!"
Then points to her head and says "OW" and then finally points to her leg and says "OW!"
The doctor says I have it figured out you have a broken finger.A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. "Yours is the tenth case I've treated;
the others all died."Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”Things Not to Hear During Surgery,Part I Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."A depressed patient went to see his primary care doctor as a routine check-up. The patient always looked stressed and depressed. After the examination and review all the patient's medicine (total of 8 different medications and some of them instruct to take two and three times a day) the doctor said " you must drink a lot of fluids when taking each of these medications “The patient was quiet and spoke softly to himself " then I don't think I have to eat anything else".
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, “Why didn’t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?”
The lady said, “My phone doesn’t have an eleven.”
Submitted by cris.
I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
Why? I have to have better odds than that.“Doctor!” complained the patient; “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”
The doctor scratched his head. “Why have you come to me?
Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” replied the patient, “just spots.”A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”How does a doctor commit suicide? He jumps down from his ego to his IQ.
A man visited the doctor.
" Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.
"Please undress so I can examine you, " said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
"My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!" yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes - unedited!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical.
After the doctor completes the physical, she says, "You can get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few days. Stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."
When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health. I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."
The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that . . . you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week."Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Submitted by Rohit.
There are three fellas golfing together, a priest, a doctor and an engineer. Although they are having a great game, a group of three men in front of them are taking forever and holding up thier game. When they finally get back to the club house they decide to complain to the owner. They say,"Hey, we love golfing at your club but there were three guys ahead of us that were just taking forever - " "Oh, you mean the the three blind fireman." The owner interupted. "Well whoever they were they were taking too long!" the three golfers replied. The owner replied,"Those three blind firemen can take as long as they want. They saved this club from burning down!" The preist then said, "Wow, that's fantastic, I'll keep them in my prayers!" The doctor replied, "Hey, that's a great story. I've got a friend who's an optometrist, I'll see what he can do for them!" The engineer looks at them and asks,"Well why can't they golf at night?"
This retired O.B.G.Y.N doctor decides he is bored and wants to find something to do with his spare time. He always had a motorcycle and loves riding them, but never could work on them. He decided to go to school to learn to be a master motorcycle mechanic.
After a couple of years of hard studying and learning about bikes, the last day of school was a final exam. The final exam was a 2 part test. Part 1 was diagnostics of a badly running motorcycle engine. Part 2 everyone in the class had to compleatly tear down the bikes engine, repair it and put it back together running perfect.
After several hours of working, the teacher tells everyone to stop what they are doing. He then judges everyone's work.
He grades everyone. He tells everyone their scores. The grades are 2 part. 50 points for diagnosis. 50 points for installation. He gives 1 person an 80, another person a 75, another a 68. Finally he gets to the doc's bike, cranks it up, it runs perfect. He gives the doc a 150.
Confused, he asked the teacher why he gave him a 150. The teacher explains to him, 50 points for proper diagnosis, 50 points for repairing it properly. The doc asks what about the other 50 points. The teacher then replies, "In all my life, I've never, ever, ever seen anyone completely tear down, repair and rebuild a motorcycle enging going through the exhaust pipes!".
Doctor,” the man said to his ophthalmologist, “I was looking in the mirror this morning, and I notice that one of my eyes is different from the other!”
“Oh”? Replied the doctor “Which one?”A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to come to my party last night,” she said. “You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there.”
“Your party has done me good,” he said. “I’ve just seen five of your dinner guests.”A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”"I know,” said his physician. “I can cure pneumonia.”
Submitted by Albert.
A doctor in a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.
“This patient has been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “The X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.” He pointed to a student. “You…what would you do in this case?” “Well, gee!” said student. I guess I’d limp, too.”A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied.A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so
he made an appointment and showed up the next day. After the doctor
examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the
consultation. The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass
of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the
green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the
doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, "You aren't getting enough water."A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"NOTE: If you are sensitive to homosexual-natured jokes, do not read further.
--------------
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it will teach you what your ass is for."" Doctor I keep stealing things"
" Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.
"What happened to you?" asked the doctor who was examining him.
"Chain saw accident," the man replied.
"Well, you're lucky," the doctor said; "I've seen worse."
"It wasn't turned on," the man replied.After a relaxing vacation, the doctor go in to see his patient. The doctor says, "I have some bad news and some even worse news. The bad new is you only have a week to live."
The patient replies, "Oh my God! What could be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I should have told you last week."An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!
Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.A man visits his psychiatrist and talks about being haunted by visions of his departed relatives. He says; these ghosts are perched on the tops of fence posts around my garden every night. They sit there and watch me and watch me. What can I do?
The psychiatrist says; that's easy … just sharpen the tops of the posts.When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school.
One said, "I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made."
The second said, "I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do."
The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor.
"Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night."Doctor, doctor! I feel like a goat.”
“How long have you been like this?”
“Since I was a kid.”This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."Patient: "Doctor, doctor, what can I put on my yellowish tooth?"
Dentist: "A brown tie will suit perfectly."Q: What do you call the Surgical Procedure you perform on a " Yellow Citrus Fruit" that has Spinal stenosis?.
A: A Lemonectomy!"Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!"
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."This woman, who believed in natural birth, was having these abnormal contractions, went to see her Doctor. "Doc", she said, "I'm feeling these abnormal contractions". The Doctor took a listen, and said: "My dear lady, you’re going to be having triplets!" Baffled, the woman asked: "How can you tell?" The Doctor responded: "I hear inside: "No, you go first!" "No, you go first!" No, you go first!"
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.
When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches.
The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited because they think maybe he’s in touch with reality now. So they ask him, “Why did you put the newspaper down first?”
He answers, “So I’d be higher and have a better view.”
Submitted by cris.
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"Patient: Oh, doctor, I have terrible troubles. I do hope that you can help me
Psychiatrist: Now calm down. Just lie down on the couch and tell me all about your troubles.
Patient: Well, doctor, I have a duplex penthouse apartment in New York and a summer house on the beach at the Hampton. I drive a Rolls-Royce, and my wife drives a Jaguar. My two boys go to the best private school in the city. We belong to three very swanky clubs, and every year I manage to spend a month in Europe.
Psychiatrist: These things are very wonderful, but let’s get down to your basic problem.
Patient: I was just getting to it, doctor. You see, I only make $100 a week!First year University medical students were attending their first Anatomy Class. They all gathered around the table and there was a real dead body on the table. The Professor, started the class by telling them two important qualities of a doctor.
He said, "The first quality is to never be disgusted about anything in the body." For example, he put his finger in the dead body's arm pit and put the finger in his own mouth & tasted it.
Then he told the students to do what he did. The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's arm pit and tasted it too. When everyone finished tasting their fingers, they were all frowning.
Then the professor looked at them and said: "The second quality is 'Observation'. I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger... Now learn to pay attention!"A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients who was vacationing in Spain. “I’m having a great time!” “Wish you were here to tell me why.”
Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time.
That’s good John; when did you start walking?
When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it.A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"
Having completed a course of analysis with his psychiatrist, John tells a friend:
“I always thought I was indecisive”
Friend: “And now?”
John: “I’m not so sure.”While walking to the ninth hole, one psychiatrist said to his colleague, would you believe that yesterday I had a patient who claimed he heard music every time he put on his hat?”
“Really? What did you do?”
The psychiatrist answered, “I took it away and removed the band.”A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
Patient: Doctor I've been seeing striped cows!"
Doctor: "Have you seen a Psychiatrist?"
Patient: "No only striped cows!"A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. “Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said. “Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said. “Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”In the doctors office two patients are talking "You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake" "A sponge!" exclaims the other "And do you feel much pain" "No pain at all", says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"
A doctor taking care of his last appointment of the day gives this man a thorough exam and finds him in optimal health. As the man is going out the door, he had a heart attack and died. The doctor looks at the man and tells the nurse, “help me turn him around to it looks like he was just coming in.”
A man goes to the hospital for its brain scan.
According to the results:
In his left brain no one's right
And in his right brain nothing's leftA lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the lady.Doctor: “It’s no good. I can’t find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking.”
Patient: “I’ll come back when you’re sober then!”
Submitted by cris.
Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I'm scared of Santa!"
Doctor: "Your suffering from Claus-trophobia."A man entered his doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana stuck in his right ear. "Doc," he asked, "What's wrong with me?" "Simple," replied the doctor, "You aren't eating right."
A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."At a psychiatrist a man says, Doctor, I think there are two of me.
The doctor replies, Well, why don’t you both sit down and one of you tell me all about it.According to the scholar, an internist knows everything and does nothing, a surgeon does everything and knows nothing, and a psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing. Only a pathologist knows everything and does everything…too late.
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."A brain surgeon told a patient “you have a growing mass in your brain, it needs to be tended to immediately or it will kill you"
The patient agreed to surgery the very next day.
Immediately after opening the skull the surgeon took a biopsy of the ugly growing mass and gave it to the surgical nurse with instructions to rush it to the lab and have it analyzed.
After a few minutes the nurse returned with the results and stood silently and grimly in front of the surgeon…. The surgeon finally asked…."WELL IS IT MALIGNANT?"
The nurse replied…" I'm afraid it’s worse" …" WORSE", the surgeon barked, "WHAT CAN BE WORSE THAN MALIGNANT?"
The nurse bowed her head and replied solemnly, "it's Liberal Progressive"…!!!An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your tongue."You see, Doctor, “I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.
A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.
A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, too late.
A famous doctor was being interviewed the news media. Looking to spice things up a little, one reporter asked if the doctor had ever made any serious mistakes.
“Well, yes,” the doctor sighed. “I once cured a multimillionaire.”
“How was that a mistake? The reporter asked.
The doctor shook his head wearily. “I did it in one visit!”“Doctor, doctor! My family thinks I’m mad!”
“Why is that?”
“I like sausages.”
“There’s nothing strange about that. I like sausages too.”
“Really? You must come and see my collection – I’ve got
thousands!”A noted heart surgeon was having a formal party. Shortly before the guests were to begin arriving he was told that all the bathrooms were backed up and not flushing. Quickly he called a 24 hour plumber listed in the phone book. The plumber arrived quickly and within 15 minutes told the surgeon that all was well. He gave his bill to the heart surgeon and the surgeon exclaimed, "$900! You were only here 15 minutes! I'm a heart surgeon and even I can't charge that much"! The plumber quietly replied, “Neither could I when I was a heart surgeon".
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the Eye/Ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor " she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."A man goes to see his doctor. When he sits down the examining room, he has a green bean in each nostril, a carrot in one ear and a zucchini in the other.
He says, “Doc, I don’t feel well.”
The doctor looks and him and replies, “That's because you’re not eating well.”A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.
Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.”
The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”Submitted by cris.
A woman was rushed into the hospital in an ambulance as she was just about to give birth to twins. At the hospital the lady was in such pain she had to be sedated. A couple of hours after the babies had been delivered, she woke up and asked to see her children. "Doctor, could you bring my babies to me so I can name them?" The doctor replied, "You don't need to worry about names, your brother has already named the "Why did you let him name them, he has no sense! What did he call the little girl then?" "De-nise!" replied the doctor. "Oh that’s not too bad, I thought u were going to tell me he'd named her something awful! So what did he call the little boy?" "De-nephew, of course!"
Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front t of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
Psychiatrist to patient: "You have nothing to worry about - anyone who can pay my bill is certainly not a failure."
A Man rushed into a doctor's office, jumped on his back, and started screaming, "One! Two! Three! Four!" "Wait a minute!" yelled the doctor, trying to get free. “What do you think you're doing?" The man said, "Well doctor, they did say I could count on you!"
A doctor told his patient after reviewing his x-rays he needed
surgery costing $5000.00. The patient said he only had $500.00 and
what could be done. The doctor said, "Well, I can always touch-up
your x-rays."A man goes to his doctor and says " Hi doc, remember me "?
' No, but what can I do for you? "
"You know doc, I came to you two years ago. You said I had pneumonia, gave me some medicine and advised me to not to have a bath "
" So? "
" Well I'm fine now, thanks. I just wanted to know, can I have a bath now?"Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?"
The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.
The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert." The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."Patient: "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: "Next time, take off the candles."
“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, “Yes? ”
“Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Speaking”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your Doctor sent your husband’s samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.”“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks.
“Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which your husband’s is”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” questions Mrs. Ward.
“Normally, Yes. But Medicare won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”
Submitted by unni.
A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.
The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."
The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."
The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Doctor saw the man walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor replied, "I didn't say that. I said, You got a heart murmur. Be careful."Patient (to Doctor), " I forget whatever I have said a minute ago".
Doctor: "Since when are you suffering from this problem?'
Patient: "What problem?'What do you call an anesthesiologist who shows up for work wearing a rabbit suit?
An ether bunny!A doctor and a dentist fell in love with a same girl. One day, the dentist had to go abroad for one week to fulfill his work, so he gave the girl seven apples and asked her to eat one apple everyday.
Know why? An apple a day keeps the doctor away!A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says."Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor."
10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately."10...9...8...7..."Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a ball pen draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to try and open the door for him as part of the test. Seven of them rushed out and attempted to open the door on the wall. The doctor was disappointed with the results but never the less call on the last one who was still sitting down and asked him why didn’t he stand up and try to open the door with the others. The eighth man replied: “because I was holding the key to the door”
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.” While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says “hello, how can I help you?”
The woman asks; “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”
“Yes I did”, the doctor answered.
She asks: “Class of 49?” “Yes I was”, was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: “You were in my class!”
The doctor responded: “What did you teach?”Doctor: You need Glasses
Patient: How did you know?
Doctor: I could tell, when you walk through the window!1 Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie
6 Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
7 “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
9 “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, he’s got two of’em
10 What do you mean “You want a divorce?”
Submitted by cris.
Things Not to Hear During Surgery,Part I I Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!"
The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have SOME problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."
The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse."
Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in ONE
WEEK!"
Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally."
At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing HOOVES!"
The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe nails THAT big!"
Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"
The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper.
The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?"
The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a dump in the street!"A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man exclaims, "I don't have the hiccups! My wife does!"A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found
herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously,
preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the
last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the
door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down
carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until
today you have never undergone an eye examination."
A famous doctor was being interviewed the news media. Looking to spice things up a little, one reporter asked if the doctor had ever made any serious mistakes.
“Well, yes,” the doctor sighed. “I once cured a multimillionaire.”
“How was that a mistake? The reporter asked.
The doctor shook his head wearily. “I did it in one visit!”I have this big problem, doctor – everyone is calling me crazy just because I love hot dogs …
- That’s stupid, in my opinion – frankly, I adore hot dogs too, but nobody calls me crazy ...
- Really? Great, doctor! Why don’t you come along with me and I’ll show you my collection!What’s wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled.”
“I can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with you. I think it’s the result of heavy drinking.”
“Well then, I’ll just come back when you’re sober.”Peter says. Doctor, I see double!
Sit on the chair please the doctor says.
Which one? Peter replied.At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"
"Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."Betty's psychiatrist convinced her that she had 120 different personalities.
Then billed her insurance company for Group therapy!Patient: I m really not feeling well doctor?
Doctor: What happened?
Patient: when i close my eyes i could not see anything…
Doctor: Oh!
Patient: when i take a bath, i become wet…
Doctor: OMG…
Patient: Do something doc! please! i dun wanna die too soon, i m just 20!
Doctor: I m 70 and suffering from the same problems, dun worry u have a lot of time!Submitted by Brainy.
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."A man who had come out of a complicated abdominal surgery was complaining of having a bump on his head and a terrible headache. The nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operative shock, spoke to the surgeon about it. The doctor assured the nurse, “don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway into the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”
Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, sir, this is a fish and chip shop!A young guy was feeling ill, so he asked a friend to recommend an internist. “I know a great one,” his friend said, “but he’s very expensive. He charges $400 for the first visit and $100 for each visit after that.”
The guy went to see the doctor. Trying to save money, he greeted the doctor when he entered the exam room with an animated “I’m back!”
The doctor proceeded with the examination. “Very good,” he said when he was finished.
“Just continue the treatment I prescribed last time.”A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils have to come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.Who says commercials are not educational ? My 3 year old just informed me that the medication I'm on might cause dry mouth, dizziness, loss of sight --- and so on.
Needless to say I called my Doctor immediately, he said his 3 year old saw the same commercial.Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.“Hey Doc. What’s the news?”
“I got bad news and even badder news.”
“I’ll take the bad news first.”
“You’re going to die in one day.”
“Man that is bad news, what can be even badder than that???"
“I was trying to reach you since yesterday.”A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him and asked; “could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?”
The surprised patient said; “why doctor, it wasn’t all that bad this time!”
The dentist said; “there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock train.”Doctor my son swallowed my pen, what do I do?
Use a pencil until I get there.I’m a registered nurse, not a doctor, but here’s the story:
Patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.
The patient goes home, etc. He comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange."
At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and then says "and then I eat the orange."A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.
The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients.
The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."
The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. “I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”
Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer, “Yes.”
“Who is it?”
In a little stronger tone, the patient said, “Another doctor.”Dentist: “Would you help me out? I’d like you to give a few of your loudest screams.” Patient: “Why, Doc? It isn’t all that bad this time.” Dentist: “Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the five o’clock Braves game on Channel 4.”
Submitted by Rickey.
As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now."
The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"A psychiatrist’s secretary went into her boss's office. Secretary: "Sir, someone would like to see you. Claims he's invisible."
Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him."A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.-A man goes to the dentist and says:
-My teeth are kind of yellow, what do you recommend?
-A brown tie!!!Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in the office has it.
Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."After the examination the physician handed the patient a prescription and said, “Take this medicine after each meal.” “But, Doc,” confessed the patient, “I have not eaten in four days.” “Fine,” said the doctor. “The medicine will last longer.”
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."I went to the Doctor and told him I must have a sleep disorder.
He ask whys that? I said well I go to sleep at 10pm and wake at 6am.
Doc said well that's great what's wrong with that?
I said well my heads on the pillow when I go to sleep but when I wake my feet are on the pillows.
He thought for awhile then replied...
Set your alarm for 2am that way neither will be on the pillows.A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. “She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!” The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
Submitted by cris.
Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.
Didn't I see you yesterday?You know your doctor is too old when you look at the framed diploma on his wall and realize his Hippocratic oath was signed by Hippocrates!
A woman was wondering why she hadnt had sex in 5 months.
So her friend told her to go and see a chinese sex doctor.
When she got there he told here to take off all her clothes and crawl to the other end of the room and back.
As she was crawling back towards the doctor, he said "Oh yes... I see the problem now"
"What is it", replied the woman.
"Your face look like your ass" said the doctor.
" Doctor, I get this overpowering urge to sing 'Delilah'. Then I get this urge to sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home"
" Hmmm, you are suffering from Tom Jones syndrome."
" I've never heard of that doctor. Is it a rare complaint?"
"It's not unusual"Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.
Doctor: Don’t worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it’s the turn of the 90 percent survivors.
Submitted by unni.
The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: “If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy.”
A psychiatrist received a postcard from one of his clients who was vacationing in Spain. “I’m having a great time!” “Wish you were here to tell me why.”
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off
Submitted by Rohit.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts!Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.
“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.” The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money. “Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”
“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”
And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.What does it mean when the doctor says you have six months to live? You have five months to pay!
How can you tell if you have a cheap doctor? He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.
When does a doctor suggest emergency surgery? When he's ready for a new sports car!
What advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an operation? Whatever you do, don't go into the light.A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”A man visits his doctor and says, doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my eyes.
The doctor asks have you seen a psychiatrist?
The patient says, "No Only green Martians!"“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.” “You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.
“No, historical. She is always digging up my past.”Hey Doc this job interview has my nerves all out of shape, what should I do?
Doc -- well do as I do and have a lot of patients.Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"A Doctor and an Advocate loved the same girl. The Doctor gave her a rose daily and the advocate gave the girl an apple.
The girl got confused and asked the Advocate, "There is a meaning in giving rose in love. Why are you giving me an apple?"
Advocate answered: Because, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away!""Doctor my husband is doing weird things lately", a lady complains to her psychiatrist , "I strongly feel something wrong with him".
"What is he doing, Mrs.Bankman, that looks weird to you?", asks her the doctor.
"We'll he drinks his cup of tea in the morning and eats the cup leaving the cup's handle out".
The doctor looks startled and after the initial confusion he goes, " It is weird, he leaves the best part out"The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"" Doctor I keep stealing things"
" Take these tablets; if that doesn't work get me a flat screen TV."I have this big problem, doctor – everyone is calling me crazy just because I love hot dogs …
- That’s stupid, in my opinion – frankly, I adore hot dogs too, but nobody calls me crazy ...
- Really? Great, doctor! Why don’t you come along with me and I’ll show you my collection!An Antartican was in the therapist office:
Dr. Hieden: Why are you here?
Antartican: I tried to commit suicide by taking 1,000 aspirins!!!!
Dr. hieden: What happened?
Antartican: Well after the first two I felt better!!!!A man goes to his doctor to pick up his medicine. when he gets there, his doctor tells him that he has to take these up the butt, because otherwise he'd vomit them up.
The doctor asks the man if he'd like the doctor to put it in today because it's his first time and after this his wife can do it, and the man agrees.
So he puts it in, and the man yells, "ow!" and then the doctor tells him it will sometimes hurt, and sends him on his way.
The next day, his wife puts it in for him, and as she puts it in, he screams at the top of his lungs.
She asks him what is wrong, because she put it in gently, and he tells her that when the doctor put it in, he had two hands on his shoulders.
A man's doctor told him one day, "I have bad news and worse news." "Give me the bad news first," the man said. The doctor replied, "The bad news is, you only have 24 hours to live." "What?!? That's terrible! What could possibly be worse?" The doctor's answer: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
Preventive Medicine Belief:
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.
Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper.
Doctor: To make your will?
Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine
me and tell me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it."
"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night . . . always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight.""Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"A recently hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, “Malaria! Chicken pox!
Polio!” the nurse asked another nurse, “why is he going on like that?” The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.”After the doctor gives the patient his diagnosis, the patient says; “Can I have a second opinion?
The doctor says; “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear.
She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong."
The doctor replies; "Well my dear you are clearly not eating properly!"A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.
Suddenly, she interrupted him
"Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Submitted by Rohit.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, nobody pays attention to me…"
And the doctor says, "Next please..."A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, “They tell me that your are a real lady killer.” The doctor smiled and shook his head. “No, I make no distinction between the sexes.”
This poor man is facing surgery on both his feet because of severe wounds. The doctor has warned him that he cannot tell how bad the damage is until he gets him in the operating room and he has prepared the man for the worst.
After surgery, the man is slowly waking up and he sees the surgeon approaching his bed. The doc looks at him and says, "I have good news news and I have bad news - which would you like first?"
The man nervously responds, "Give me the bad news first." The doc says, "I had to take both your feet"
"Oh my, what could possibly be the good news?" says the man.
"The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!"A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock ball game.
Submitted by Rohit.
“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”
“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”
Submitted by unni.
A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Let me take care of it," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling
down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen.
Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's
asked the elderly lady-- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you
feeling?"
For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a
terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how
I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!! My legs
hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast
and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches
and stomach pains too!"
The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with
compassion, "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you
come and see me right away?"
Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was
just waiting until I felt a little better."Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"
what is wrong with you?the doctor asked to the banana.
the banana said:doctor I’m not peeling so well.
Submitted by Sheela Montinegro .
A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
A doctor in a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.
“This patient has been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “The X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.” He pointed to a student. “You…what would you do in this case?” “Well, gee!” said student. I guess I’d limp, too.”Did you hear about the man in the hospital who's doctor came into his room an said "I have some bad and good news for you". The man said; “What is the bad news? The doctor said; "We need to cut off both your legs”. The man said, “What is the good news”. The doctor answered, “The man in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!
Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”
I’m worried about your heart murmur,” the doc told Jack. “I’ve always had a heart murmur,” Jack protested. “Yeah,” replied the doc, “but now the murmur has started
humming.” “That doesn’t sound good!” Jack was getting worried now. “It’s worse than you think,” the doc said. “It’s humming ‘Nearer My God to Thee.’”A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:
"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:
"Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.
Finally, the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign:
"Odds & Ends"A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash.
The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on.
He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said
"My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied.
" What do you call it?" Said the cannibal.
" Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor.A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist. After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed. After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” “Yes I do” the man replied. “Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!” The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds." Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?” The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?" "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all,” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied," Perhaps you're not eating right."
Patient (to Doctor), "I forget things easily. What should I do?"
Doctor, "I think first of all you should pay my bill".A man consults a therapist and states, “Doc, I’m suicidal. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Pay in advance.”Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188
Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."Did you hear about the baby that was born in a high tech. hospital?
It came out cordless!Patient: Doctor, doctor I think I swallowed a spoon!
Doctor: Just sit patiently and try not to stirDr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech back in his home town. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he passed a gigantic fart and the microphone amplified it throughout the room.
He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. After he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown until decades later.
His return those many years later was to visit his ailing, elderly mother. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but
then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the clerk.
"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him, "Sir, while I don't have your life experiences, one thing I've learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I hope that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
"Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn’t considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”
The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, man,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”
Submitted by zanny.
Feeling dizzy and nauseous, Bill went to the doctor. “So,” said the doctor as bill sat on the examining table, “what seems to be the problem?” At once Bill shot his feet, grabbed his hat and coat, and stormed toward the door. “What’s the matter?” claimed the doctor.
“The nerve of you!” Bill snapped. “All those years of medical school, and you want me to make the diagnosis!”A man went to his doctor and told him that he had not been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. “Here take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up,” he said. “Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Worried to be put on so much medicine the man said. “Oh, Doc! Now exactly what is my problem?”
The doctor replied, “You are not drinking enough water.”An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!".A man visited the doctor.
" Doctor, I have terrible flatulence, I have it all the time.
"Please undress so I can examine you, " said the doctor picking up a long pole with a brass hook on the end.
"My goodness doctor what are you going to do with that!" yelled the man.
The doctor smiled and said: I’m just going to open the window up there.Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.
"Oh, quite well. We expect he'll be released in the morning."
"Very good, thank you."
"May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse.
"This IS Mr. Norton. The doctors don't tell me anything!"A man went to the psychiatrist because he had a fear of thunder. “Doc, I don’t know what to do,” said the man.
The doctor replied, “That’s ridiculous. Thunder is a natural phenomenon – nothing to be afraid of. Whenever you hear thunder, do like I do: Put your head under the pillow and it will go away.”A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. “I hurt,” the man said.
“You don’t know how it feels.” “I know exactly how it feels,” the doctor said. “I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There’s no difference in our operations.” “Oh yes there is,” said the patient. “You had a different surgeon.”Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient’s shins were covered with dark bruises.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?” “Neither,” said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.”A man walks into the Doctors with an apple in one ear, a banana in the other ear and grapes up his nose. He says, "Doctor, what's happening to me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly.
After many sessions the psychiatrist says to his patient: Congratulations, Sir, you are cured. The patient says: Some cure. Before I was Alexander the Great. Now I’m nobody.
One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".
The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"
So the doc. said "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".
A lady wasn't feeling well, so she went to the doctor.
Doctor asked if she ever had chicken pox?
Her reply: "No, but I have had chicken nuggets."Patient: Doctor, doctor I have only 58 seconds to live!!!!!!
Doctor: I’ll be with you in a minuteA man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news."
"Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man.
"Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live."
"Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked.
"The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."A scientist tells a pharmacist, "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic."
"Do you mean aspirin?" ask the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. "That's it!" he says. i can never remember the name."A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior. Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu”!
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?” “Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
”He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
"Thank You and Have a Nice Day!"Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Doctor Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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