Bar Jokes

• A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

  In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

  Submitted by Rohit.




• One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

  So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

  The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

  So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

  The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

• A solution to all of your drinking troubles
  
  Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
  Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
  Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
  
  Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
  Fault: Glass is empty.
  Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
  
  Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
  Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
  
  Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
  Fault: Loss of self-control.
  Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
  
  Symptom: Bar blurred.
  Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
  Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
  
  Symptom: Bar swaying.
  Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
  Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
  
  Symptom: Bar moving.
  Fault: You are being carried out.
  Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
  
  Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
  Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
  Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
  
  Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
  Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
  Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
  
  Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
  Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
  Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
  
  Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
  Fault: The pub is closing.
  Solution: Panic.
  
  

• A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.
  
  He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
  
  Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
  
  "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket.
  
  When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

• Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

  The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
  1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
  2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
  3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

  So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

  The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Adam

• A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
  
  She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
  
  The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
  
  

• The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..
  
  A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
  
  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
  
  In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
  
  In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
  
  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

• This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him,
  
  so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?".
  
  The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".

• There's a big guy like 7 feet tall and he has a head the size of an orange.

  He walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

  The bartender cant resist to ask so he goes, "You're a big guy, why do you have such a small head?".

  So the guy says, "Well I was walking down the beach one day and I saw a lamp, I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

  She said you have one wish. So I said will you have sex with me?

  The genie said, "sorry, genies can't do that".

  So then I said "how about a little head?"

• Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
  
  Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
  
  "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
  
  

• A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
  
  

• John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
  
  Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
  
  So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
  
  And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
  
  Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
  
  Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt
  
  The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
  
  Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
  
  

• One day, a man’s wife has a kid. But he is born with no torso, arms or legs. The son grew up eneventfully. When the son reached drinking age, the man took him to a bar. The man said, a Jack Daniel’s please. So the man gives the son one. The son drinks it, and his torso pops out. The son takes another drink and his arms pop out. He takes another drink and his legs pop out. He has a hard time adjusting to the legs, and he accidentally runs out into the middle of a street and was hit by a truck and immediately killed. The bartender says, he should have stopped when he was ahead.

• A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
  
  "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
  
  The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.
  
  "I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
  
  The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
  
  The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

• A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
  
  The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
  
  The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

• The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What’ll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That’ll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this."
  A lawyer,bartender, "You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
  The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again."
  The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!"
  The guy says, "What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
  To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

• A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
  
  The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

• The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
  
  A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
  
  The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
  
  The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
  
  The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
  
  To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
  
  

• A cheeseburger walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the bartender for a beer. "Sorry," the bartender says, "We don’t serve food here."

• 3 men walk into a bar.

  After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

  The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

  The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

  Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

  The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

  As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."

• Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
  
  After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
  
  After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
  
  The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

• A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L."
  The bartender says, "What's an M L?"
  
  The brunette says, "A Miller Light."
  
  Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L"
  
  The bartender says, "What's a B L?"
  
  She says, "Bud Light."
  
  A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."
  
  The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?"
  
  The blonde says, "7&7, duh!"

• Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
  The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

• A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
  
  After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
  
  While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
  
  "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
  

• A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.
  
  The first man then asks: Where are you from?
  
  I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.
  
  The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
  
  Of Course, replies the second man.
  
  
  Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?
  
  Dublin, comes the reply.
  
  I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.
  
  Of course, replies the second man.
  
  Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?
  
  Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
  
  This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
  
  About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.
  
  Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

• A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
  
  The bartender asks "He can drink?"
  
  "Oh, sure. He can drink."
  
  So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
  
  "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
  
  The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
  
  The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
  
  The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
  
  

• A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
  
  One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
  
  "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can’t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
  
  The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
  
  The bartender asks "so which one died?"
  
  "No one."
  
  "But you only ordered two drinks!"
  
  "Yeah, well, I’ve given up drinking."

• 0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
  
  1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
  
  2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
  
  3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
  
  4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.
  
  5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.
  
  6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.
  
  7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.
  
  8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
  
  9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
  
  10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
  
  11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
  
  12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

• Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
  
  To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

• A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
  
  The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
  
  "Why not?" askes the brain.
  
  "You're already out of your head."
  
  

• A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
  
  "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
  
  "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
  
  "You're under 18," replies the barman.

• A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

  Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

  “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

  “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

  “Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

  “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

  “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

  “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

  “Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
  
  "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
  
  The barman replied, "Yes."
  
  So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
  
  "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
  
  "How much money?" inquires the guy.
  
  "Four cents," he replies.
  
  "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy.
  
  "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
  
  The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
  
  The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
  
  The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

• A guy named Bruce is passed out on the floor after a drunken night at the bar.
  
  The bartender nudges him and says, "Bruce, mate, do you need a chair?"
  
  Bruce replies, "Nah, thanks, mate, I’m all right standin’ up."

• Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
  
  To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

• A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
  
  The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
  
  The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
  

• A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
  
  He sat down next to a priest.
  
  The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
  
  He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
  
  "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
  
  "Imagine that", the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
  
  The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
  
  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
  
  "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

• A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

  FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

  So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

  The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

  He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

  The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

• A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
  
  Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
  
  "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
  
  "Gee, that's tough," he replied.
  
  "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
  
  "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
  
  "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
  
  "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
  
  "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
  
  

• A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”

  The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

  The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• My Wife
  
  One man was walking back to his home. He was very very drunk at bar. So he got wrong way to go home. He reached the zoo insted of home. Then he reached Ape cage in the zoo. One Ape smiled him for food. He said "Oh my dear wife, don't look me like that, I can explain everything what i did."

• A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
  
  "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
  
  "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
  
  The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
  
  The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
  
  The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
  
  Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
  
  The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
  
  "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
  
  

• A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
  
  When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.
  
  The man thought that was great.
  
  A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.
  
  The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
  
  The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

• Stage 1 - SMART
  
  This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
  
  You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
  
  At this stage you are always RIGHT.
  
  And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
  
  This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
  
  Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
  
  This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
  
  You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
  
  Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
  
  Stage 3 - RICH
  
  This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
  
  You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
  
  You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
  
  It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
  
  You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
  
  Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
  
  You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
  
  This is because nothing can hurt you.
  
  At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
  
  You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
  
  Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
  
  This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
  
  At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
  
  You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
  
  You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.

• One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

  So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

  The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

  So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

  The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

• There were three pigs.

  The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

  The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

  The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

• A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
  
  "No."
  
  A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
  
  "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
  
  "That's not my dog."
  
  

• A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
  
  The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
  
  "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
  
  The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
  
  "Of course," replies the second man.
  
  I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
  
  "Dublin," comes the reply.
  
  "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
  
  "Of course," replies the second man.
  
  Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
  
  "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
  
  "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
  
  About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
  
  "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
  
  

• A man walks in a bar and a little man is sitting next to him. The little man asked if he had a family and how old he was. The man told him he was 29 and had a wife and two kids.

  The little man says "I'am a Leprechaun, and if you left me F#$@ you in the butt I will grant you three wishes".

  They go to the bathroom and the Leprechaun starts to F@$# him in the butt.

  When almost finished the Leprechaun says, "You did say you had a family right?"

  Than man replies, "Yes I'm29 and have a wife and two kids"

  The Leprechaun says, "Well aren't you a little bit old to be believing in Leprechauns?"

• A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her ''I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, ''You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said ''Clean my house.''

• A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man sighed.
  "I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world."
  "Yeah?"
  
  "And then I wished for a little head."

• Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
  
  He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
  
  One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
  
  The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
  
  The wife thought that might be a good idea.
  
  That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
  
  His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
  
  This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
  
  At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"
  
  

• Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
  
  Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
  
  The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
  
  The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know...
  There is safety in numbers...

• A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

  “But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer.

  “Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.”

  The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.

  The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

  The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

  Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

  The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in
  the nose.”

  “Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds.

  “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• 1) You always know if you are the first one to open a beer.
  2) A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.
  3) A beer never gets angry if you show up smelling of beer.
  4) The colder a beer, the better.
  5) You can always share a beer with your friends.
  6) A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.
  7) You can choose a beer from the case and, if you change your mind, you can pick another one.

• A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo villiage but is having trouble interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won’t talk to him.
  
  The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask’s what do I have to do?
  
  The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.
  
  The man says he will do it. That night there’s a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down’s about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.
  
  The Cheif picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there’s a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,
  
  Okeee now where’s the woman I gotta kill?

• 1. It's an incentive to show up.
  
  2. It reduces stress.
  
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  
  9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
  
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.
  
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

• My Wife
  
  One man was walking back to his home. He was very very drunk at bar. So he got wrong way to go home. He reached the zoo insted of home. Then he reached Ape cage in the zoo. One Ape smiled him for food. He said "Oh my dear wife, don't look me like that, I can explain everything what i did."

• This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."The guy asks" Eileen who?

• Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
  
  He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
  
  One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
  
  The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
  
  The wife thought that might be a good idea.
  
  That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
  
  His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
  
  This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
  
  At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

• A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
  
  The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
  
  The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
  
  

• A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
  
  Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
  
  The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
  
  

• A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
  
  Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
  
  Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
  
  He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

• A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
  
  "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
  
  "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
  
  The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
  
  The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
  
  The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
  
  Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
  
  The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
  
  "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
  

• Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant.The burnette says, "I know what I’m going to have." The other to asked how she knew. She replied, "well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a boy".The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!"

• Once there was a man who walked into a bar and starting talking to the owner of the bar.

  He said, "I bet you 300 dollors I can pee into that cup and not a drop out of the cup."

  The bar tender laughed and said, "Ok, sure. 300 dollars." So the man said, "Ok one second," and walked away.

  When the man came back he said, "Give me a small cup." And the owner gave him one.

  The man started peeing all over the owners bar and the owner starting laughing.

  The owner said, "You didn't get a drop in, so you owe me 300 dollars"

  And the man said, "Well I just bet that guy over there 500 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would laugh about it."

• A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guy’s window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.""Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.""I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.""Well, then, we need a urine sample.""I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.""All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I can’t do that, officer.""Why not?""Because I’m drunk."

• One day, a man’s wife has a kid. But he is born with no torso, arms or legs. The son grew up eneventfully. When the son reached drinking age, the man took him to a bar. The man said, a Jack Daniel’s please. So the man gives the son one. The son drinks it, and his torso pops out. The son takes another drink and his arms pop out. He takes another drink and his legs pop out. He has a hard time adjusting to the legs, and he accidentally runs out into the middle of a street and was hit by a truck and immediately killed. The bartender says, he should have stopped when he was ahead.

• A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
  
  "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
  
  "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
  
  "Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
  
  "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"
  
  "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

• A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
  
  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

  Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
  Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
  Hand Job: $5.00

  Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

  "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

  "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

  "Yes" she purrs "I am."

  The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

• Our lager,
  Which art in barrels,
  Hollowed be thy drink.
  I will be drunk,
  At home as in the travern.
  Give us this day our foamy head,
  And forgive us our spillages,
  As we forgive those who spill against us.
  And lead us not into incarceration,
  But deliver us from hangerovers.
  For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
  Forever and ever,
  Barmen.
  
  

• A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradoan, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.
  
  The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.
  
  Next the Texan finished drinking his Margarita, and threw HIS glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were they all are rich from oil, but they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
  
  Next the Coloradoan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Colorado they had so many Texans and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

• A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
  
  "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
  
  "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
  
  "You're under 18," replies the barman.
  
  

• One night after work a group of male friends go to a bar for a few drinks before heading home.

  After a while one of the group keeps seeing a leprachaun running up to his beer & blowing into it making a funny noise with his lips.

  At first he thinks he must be drunk & just seeing things so he waited for it to happen again.

  Sure enough after a couple of minutes the leprachaun runs out & blows into his glass of beer making a funny noise with his lips.

  He looks around at his friends but none of them seemed to have seen it.

  Again he waits to be sure he is not just seeing things & again it happens.

  By now he is very angry & confused & asks his friends if any of them saw him. They say no they didn't.
  He says, next time he does it i'm gonna catch him and chop off his dick.

  After another couple of minutes the leprechaun runs out & is just about to blow in his cup when the guy catches him & says YES I GOT YOU!!! NOW I'M GOING TO CHOP OFF YOUR DICK!!!

  The Leprachaun just starts laughing.
  The guy says, mate what the hell are you laughing for, a guys about to chop off your dick.
  The leprachaun replies well because I dont have a dick.

  The man sits holding this leprachaun puzzled before asking well how do you piss?

  The Leprechaun then runs up to the glass of beer & blows into it making a funny noise with his lips.
  LIKE THIS!!!

• A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
  
  However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
  
  

• A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

  “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

  “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
  
  The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
  
  The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."
  
  The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
  
  Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking.
  
  "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."
  
  The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
  
  The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."

• A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
  
  After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
  
  While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
  
  "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
  
  

• Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:
  
  "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
  
  "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
  
  "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
  
  "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
  
  "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.
  
  "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
  
  "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

• A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
  
  He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
  
  

• 24. You lose arguments with objects.
  23. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  
  22. Your Job is interfering with your drinking.
  
  21. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  
  20. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  
  19. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the 5th food group.
  
  18. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not!
  
  17. Two hands and just one mouth... - now that's a drinking problem!
  
  16. You can focus better with one eye closed.
  
  15. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  
  14. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
  
  13. You fall off the floor...
  
  12. Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!
  
  11. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
  
  10. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
  
  9.Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  
  8.The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
  
  7.You think Three Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, and Alcohol.
  
  6.Roseanne looks good.
  
  5.Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  
  4.That pink elephant followed you home again.
  
  3.You're as jober as a sudge.
  
  2.You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
  
  1.Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops!

• John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
  
  "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
  
  Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
  
  "How do you know this, Sister?"
  
  "My Mother Superior told me so."
  
  "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
  
  "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
  
  "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
  
  "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
  
  "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
  
  The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
  
  "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
  
  "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
  

• An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

  The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

  Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
  Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
  Hand Job: $5.00

  Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

  "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

  "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

  "Yes" she purrs "I am."

  The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

• A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
  
  Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
  
  Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
  
  He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
  
  

• A man walks into his everyday bar with a box and orders a drink. The bartender sees that the man looks troubled, so he asks what’s in the box. Instead of replying, the man takes out a small grand piano and a tiny stool, and on the stool is a miniature man about a foot tall who starts playing the miniature piano. The bartender asks, "Where did you get a thing like that?"
  
  The man says, "I rubbed a lamp in the desert, and a genie popped out. The genie said he’d grant my heart’s desire, but he was hard of hearing and thought I had asked him for a twelve-inch pianist."

• A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

  The bartender tells him it will cost 10 cents.

  After the guy finishes his beer he asks for a steak and another beer.

  The bartender tells him it will cost 50 cents.

  The guy pays and asks to thank the manager.

  The bartender tells him, his boss it upstair will his girlfriend.

  The guy asks the bartender "What's your boss doing upstairs with your girlfriend?"

  The bartender repleys, "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business"

• A man takes his pet monkey to a bar.

  The man is sitting at the bar having a beer, and the monkey jumps up on the bar and spots the drink condiment tray and starts to eat the red marchino cherries.

  He then spots the red 3 ball on the pool table, so he jumps down off the bar and up on the pool table and swallows down the red 3 ball.

  The following week the man comes back into the bar with his pet monkey and while he is having a beer, the monkey starts taking the red marchino cherries from the drink condiment tray and puts each one up his ass before eating it.

  Confused, the bar tender asks the man why is your monkey putting the cherries up his ass before he eats them, the man replied that after he swallowed that red 3 ball last week, he now checks everything he eats for size first.

• This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
  
  1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
  
  2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
  
  3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
  
  4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
  
  5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.
  
  Question answer values
  
  For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
  For every question answered with a B, add five points.
  For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
  For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
  For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.
  
  Results
  
  For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.
  
  For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.
  
  For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.
  
  For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.
  
  For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.
  
  This doucment was written by the employees at Glowport.
  
  

• A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''
  Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
  
  And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

• A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

  His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

  "Oh come on" replies the bartender.

  The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

  He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

  The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

  The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

  The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

  Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

• There were three pigs.

  The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

  The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.

  The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I'm the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

• A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
  
  "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
  
  "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
  
  The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
  
  "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
  
  

• It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
  
  The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
  
  "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
  
  "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
  
  "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
  
  "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
  
  "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
  
  Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
  
  

• Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments.The first horse boasts "I’ve been in 59 races and I’ve won 35 of them.""That’s nothing," says the second horse. "I’ve raced 97 times, and I’ve won 78 of them!"The third horse joins in: "Well, I’ve raced 122 times and I’ve won 102!"Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I’ve got you all beat!"The horses look down and see a greyhound."I’ve raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!"The horses look at the dog in amazement.One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"

• A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
  
  The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

• A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
  
  So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
  
  He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
  
  "The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
  
  "So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
  
  The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
  
  "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"
  
  Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
  
  But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
  
  The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
  
  The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
  
  "No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
  
  The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
  
  "Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

• There was this man who had a speech problem. He didn’t go out that much because everyone would tease him about his speech impairment. One day he decided to go to a bar. He asked the bartender how much a cup of whiskey cost. The bartender said $1 a glass. He said well I don’t have much money. How much is a glass of wine he asked. The bartender replied 75 cents a glass. The man then asked well how much is it for a glass of beer? The bartender said 50 cents. So the man said pour me a glass. The man then started to tell the bartender that he didn’t get out that much because people would tease him about his speech. The bartender said well I see a little bit of everything working in here, and I wouldn’t tease you anyway because I have a handicap myself. He turned around and said to the man, see I am humpbacked. The man said, OH! That’s what that is. I thought it was your ass everything else in here is high.

• What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
  
  One less drunk.

• One night after work a group of male friends go to a bar for a few drinks before heading home.

  After a while one of the group keeps seeing a leprachaun running up to his beer & blowing into it making a funny noise with his lips.

  At first he thinks he must be drunk & just seeing things so he waited for it to happen again.

  Sure enough after a couple of minutes the leprachaun runs out & blows into his glass of beer making a funny noise with his lips.

  He looks around at his friends but none of them seemed to have seen it.

  Again he waits to be sure he is not just seeing things & again it happens.

  By now he is very angry & confused & asks his friends if any of them saw him. They say no they didn't.
  He says, next time he does it i'm gonna catch him and chop off his dick.

  After another couple of minutes the leprechaun runs out & is just about to blow in his cup when the guy catches him & says YES I GOT YOU!!! NOW I'M GOING TO CHOP OFF YOUR DICK!!!

  The Leprachaun just starts laughing.
  The guy says, mate what the hell are you laughing for, a guys about to chop off your dick.
  The leprachaun replies well because I dont have a dick.

  The man sits holding this leprachaun puzzled before asking well how do you piss?

  The Leprechaun then runs up to the glass of beer & blows into it making a funny noise with his lips.
  LIKE THIS!!!

• A guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, buddy, if you can think of a good name for this bar, I’ll give you a free beer."
  
  So the guy goes outside and tries to think of a name. A beautiful lady walks by and he asks her her name. "Sarah," she says. He looks at her incredible legs and realizes "Sarah’s Legs" would make a great name for the bar. He goes back inside and tells this story to the bartender, who immediately agrees and renames the bar "Sarah’s Legs."
  
  The next day, the guy is sitting outside the same bar when a lady walks by and asks, "What are you doing out here, handsome?"
  
  "Oh, he answers, "I’m just waiting for Sarah’s Legs to open so I can have a quick drink."

• A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
  
  The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.
  
  'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.
  
  'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.
  
  'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.
  
  'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.

• A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
  
  The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
  
  "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
  
  The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
  
  The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
  
  

• This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."The guy asks" Eileen who?

• Once there was a man who walked into a bar and starting talking to the owner of the bar.

  He said, "I bet you 300 dollors I can pee into that cup and not a drop out of the cup."

  The bar tender laughed and said, "Ok, sure. 300 dollars." So the man said, "Ok one second," and walked away.

  When the man came back he said, "Give me a small cup." And the owner gave him one.

  The man started peeing all over the owners bar and the owner starting laughing.

  The owner said, "You didn't get a drop in, so you owe me 300 dollars"

  And the man said, "Well I just bet that guy over there 500 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would laugh about it."

• A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
  
  One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
  
  "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can’t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
  
  The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
  
  The bartender asks "so which one died?"
  
  "No one."
  
  "But you only ordered two drinks!"
  
  "Yeah, well, I’ve given up drinking."

• This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I’ll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I’ll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That’s incredible; I’ve never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can’t; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

• A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.
  
  He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"
  
  The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..
  
  At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.
  
  "This is p*ss!" he yells.
  
  The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

• A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
  The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
  "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
  "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
  

• John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
  
  When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
  
  "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
  
  "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
  
  

• A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
  
  The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
  
  "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
  
  

• A guy walks into a bar.

  He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey.

  The bartender asks "Why?" The guy responds and says "I got my first blow."

  The bartender says "In that case I'll give you two shots of whiskey."

  The guy says "No, I just want one to get the taste out of my mouth."

   

• An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.

  The drunk guy just ignores him.

  After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.

  He notices that the alien has no genitalia.

  He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have sex?"

  The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!

• The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
  
  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  
  2. It reduces stress.
  
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  
  9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
  
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  
  15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

• John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
  
  "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
  
  Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
  
  "How do you know this, Sister?"
  
  "My Mother Superior told me so."
  
  "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
  
  "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
  
  "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
  
  "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
  
  "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
  
  The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
  
  "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
  
  "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
  
  

• A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
  
  She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
  
  The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
  

• Butt joke
  
  
  A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
  
  The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
  
  While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
  
  "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that d*mn cue ball he measures everything first!"

• The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
  
  "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
  
  The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!"

• The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
  
  1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
  
  2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
  
  3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
  
  4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  
  5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
  
  6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
  
  7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
  

• A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
  The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
  "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
  "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
  
  

• One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
  
  "What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
  
  "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
  
  The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
  
  "Yeah, except today is the last night."
  
  

• There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?"

  The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

  The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."

  The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

  The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

  The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.

  He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

  The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.

  The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"

  The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

• A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.”

  The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn’t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, “Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?”

  The man answers, “Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
  
  Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
  
  "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

• A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
  
  When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
  
  A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
  
  The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
  
  "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
  
  "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
  
  "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
  
  "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
  
  "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
  

• A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
  
  Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
  
  The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

• A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won’t let him in the guy asks, "’Why not?"
  "Because you’re not wearing a tie," says the bouncer.
  "But I have come all the way from the other end of town," says the guy.
  "Sorry mate, that’s the rules," says the bouncer.
  So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.
  "Is this all right?" he asks the bouncer.
  "Well, all right then," replies the bouncer. "But I’ll be watching you - don’t start anything!"
  

• The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
  
  So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
  
  The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
  
  Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
  
  

• A blonde, brunette and a redhead walk into a bar. After ordering their drinks, the bartender tells them that there’s a magic mirror,in the bathroom, that will grant them their most treasured desire, if they tell the mirror something true. However,if it’s not something true you’ll be sucked into the mirror. So the redhead goes up to the mirror and says "magic mirror I think I’m the most beautiful woman in here." A key to a ferrari appears in her hand. Seeing that, the brunette goes up to mirror and says," magic mirror I think I’m the smartest woman in here." All of a sudden $1,000,000 appears in her hands. So the blonde goes up to the mirror with full confidence. "magic mirror I think...POOF I guess we know that the blonde was sucked into the mirror.

• An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you’re too drunk."
  
  A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you’re too drunk"
  
  Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You’re too drunk"
  
  the drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

• The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
  
  So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
  
  The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
  
  Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

• A man is at the bar buying a round for his friends: two Jack Daniels, three screwdrivers, and two beers. The man asks how much it’ll be, and the bartender says, "Sir, if you can get those two pieces of meat down that are stuck on the ceiling, you can have the whole round for free."
  
  The man looks at the meat doubtfully and shakes his head. Now the bartender offers the drinks free plus another fifty bucks. Again the man looks at the meat and shakes his head. "No," he says, "the steaks are too high."

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  
  You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  
  Your job is interfering with your drinking.
  
  Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
  
  Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  
  The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  
  You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
  
  24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
  
  Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
  
  You can focus better with one eye closed.
  
  The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  
  You fall off the floor..
  
  Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
  
  Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  
  Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
  
  At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
  
  Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  
  You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
  
  The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..
  
  You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].
  
  Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
  
  Roseanne looks good.
  
  Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  
  That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
  
  I'm as sober as a judge.
  
  The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
  
  You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

• There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?"

  The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

  The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."

  The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

  The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

  The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.

  He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"

  The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.

  The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"

  The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

• An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.

  The drunk guy just ignores him.

  After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.

  He notices that the alien has no genitalia.

  He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have sex?"

  The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!

• A guy named Bruce is passed out on the floor after a drunken night at the bar.
  
  The bartender nudges him and says, "Bruce, mate, do you need a chair?"
  
  Bruce replies, "Nah, thanks, mate, I’m all right standin’ up."

• A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
  
  As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
  
  The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

• A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
  
  The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
  The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
  
  The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
  
  This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
  
  The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
  
  "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
  
  "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
  
  "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
  
  The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

• A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
  
  Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
  
  The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
  
  The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

• Two men walked into a bar.
  
  You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
  
  

• SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
  FAULT: Glass empty.
  ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
  SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
  FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. v ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
  
  SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
  FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
  
  SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
  FAULT: Improper bladder control.
  ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
  
  SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
  FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
  ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
  
  SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
  FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
  ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
  
  SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
  FAULT: You are being carried out.
  ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
  
  SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
  FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
  ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.
  
  SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
  FAULT: You have fallen forward.
  ACTION: See above.
  
  SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
  FAULT: The Bar is closing.
  ACTION: Panic.
  
  SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
  FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
  ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

• Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
  
  Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
  
  The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.
  
  The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know...
  There is safety in numbers...

• Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

  The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

  The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

• John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
  
  When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
  
  "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
  
  "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

• A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
  
  "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"
  
  "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
  

• One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
  
  The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
  
  On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
  
  

• Stage 1 - SMART
  
  This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
  
  You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
  
  At this stage you are always RIGHT.
  
  And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
  
  This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
  
  Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
  
  This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
  
  You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
  
  Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
  
  Stage 3 - RICH
  
  This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
  
  You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
  
  You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
  
  It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
  
  You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
  
  Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
  
  You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
  
  This is because nothing can hurt you.
  
  At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
  
  You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
  
  Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
  
  This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
  
  At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
  
  You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
  
  You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.

• The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"
  
  "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.
  
  The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!"

• A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.

  He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.

  The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."

  "The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."

  Unfortunatly, the man replied "How about a little head?"

• Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
  
  One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
  
  

• A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
  
  As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
  
  The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
  
  

• A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
  
  "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
  
  The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
  
  Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

• A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
  
  However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

• A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"
  
  So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette," but the man said "No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"
  
  The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said "No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it."
  
  "As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!"
  
  The bartender said, "Your only son I presume!!"

• Our lager,
  Which art in barrels,
  Hollowed be thy drink.
  I will be drunk,
  At home as in the travern.
  Give us this day our foamy head,
  And forgive us our spillages,
  As we forgive those who spill against us.
  And lead us not into incarceration,
  But deliver us from hangerovers.
  For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
  Forever and ever,
  Barmen.

• A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
  
  The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
  
  "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
  
  "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
  
  "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"p>

• A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''
  Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''
  
  And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

• A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
  
  "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"
  
  "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
  
  

• An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
  
  The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
  
  

• A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
  
  The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
  
  The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
  
  

• A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"
  
  The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
  
  "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"
  
  The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
  
  The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

• There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

  The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

  “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife shouts at me. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
  
  Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
  
  "Yup, shore am!"
  
  "How much does he weigh now?"
  
  The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
  
  The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
  
  The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

• A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
  
  Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
  
  What's the problem?"
  
  "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
  
  "Gee, that's tough," he replied.
  
  "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
  
  "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
  
  "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
  
  "Three close family members lost in three months?
  
  How sad."
  
  "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

• A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
  
  Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
  
  "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

• This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
  
  1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
  
  2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
  
  3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
  
  4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
  
  5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.
  
  Question answer values
  
  For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
  For every question answered with a B, add five points.
  For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
  For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
  For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.
  
  Results
  
  For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.
  
  For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.
  
  For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.
  
  For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.
  
  For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment.
  

• A man walks up to the bartender and says, "Y’see that cup over there? I’ll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!" The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar. So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. Meanwhile the bartender’s laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
  
  "Pay up," gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool. The bartender asks, "Why did that guy give you the money?"
  
  And the first guy says, "’Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you’d just laugh about it!"

• A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
  
  So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
  
  He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
  
  "The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
  
  "So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
  
  The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
  
  "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"
  
  Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
  
  But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
  
  The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
  
  The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
  
  "No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
  
  The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
  
  "Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
  
  

• One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
  
  The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
  
  On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

• A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $6.50.
  
  "But I paid, don’t you remember?" says the customer.
  
  "Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did."
  
  The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid.
  
  The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
  
  The barkeeper replies, "If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it."
  
  Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
  
  The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly,
  
  the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right on the face."
  
  "Don’t bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way."

• Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
  
  Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
  
  "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

• This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him,
  
  so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?".
  
  The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".

• A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
  
  "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
  
  He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
  
  "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
  
  The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
  
  "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
  
  "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
  
  "How did you know?"
  
  "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

• Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
  
  One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

• A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
  
  When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
  
  "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
  
  "Actually, no," he replied.
  
  "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
  
  "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"
  
  "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

• The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
  
  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
  
  Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
  
  One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
  
  After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
  
  But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
  
  As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
  
  The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

• A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.
  
  In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
  
  The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."
  
  To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."
  
  

• 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
  
  9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
  
  8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  
  7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  
  6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
  
  5. You fall off the floor.
  
  5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
  
  4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
  
  3. Roseanne looks good.
  
  2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
  
  1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
  
  

• A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
  her skirt and began fondling her.
  
  She jumped up and slapped him silly.
  
  He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
  
  "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
  
  "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

• A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
  
  Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
  
  "Yup, shore am!"
  
  "How much does he weigh now?"
  
  The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
  
  The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
  
  The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

• Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
  
  Suddenly a woman at the table behind them begins to cough weakly. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she’s in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
  
  "Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head in the negative.
  
  "Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.
  
  The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm; the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
  
  The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I’d heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it."

• A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
  
  The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
  
  The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
  
  

• Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
  
  The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
  
  The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
  
  The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
  
  

• The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
  
  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  
  2. It reduces stress.
  
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  
  9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
  
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  
  15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
  
  

• The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
  
  1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
  
  2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
  
  3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
  
  4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  
  5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
  
  6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
  
  7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
  
  

• A pavement walks into a bar. Looking nervous, he asks for a beer, and the barman pulls him a glass. With another worried look around, the pavement finds a quiet corner and sits down in a hurry. Not long after, the door opens and in walks a stretch of motorway. He orders a pint, then glances around the bar and notices the pavement in the corner. Looking at him with disgust, the motorway goes over and shoves him out of the bar, then returns and takes the corner seat.
  
  Soon after that, a quiet piece of red tarmac strolls in and asks the barman politely for a drink. The barman looks at the motorway, then pulls the tarmac a drink. The red tarmac takes a seat next to the motorway, who then gets up and returns his empty glass to the barman.
  
  The barman looks puzzled and asks the motorway, "How come you didn’t throw the red tarmac out like you did to the pavement?"
  
  "I’m not touching him!" replies the motorway. "He’s a right cycle-path!"

• A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
  
  So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
  
  The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
  
  The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.
  
  He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.
  
  Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."
  
  The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
  
  The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."
  
  In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

• A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of the bar.

  The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"

  The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."

  The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.

  The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"

  The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."

  The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.

  The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."

  The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Baser-X

• A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"
  
  The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"
  
  The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."

• A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”

  The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

  “You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

  The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”

  The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
  
  The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
  
  "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
  
  

• A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
  
  The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
  
  The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
  
  

• The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
  
  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  
  2. It reduces stress.
  
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  
  9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
  
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  
  15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

• Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why’d you do that?The trooper says, "You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready."Driver says, "I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here."The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean.He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.The passenger says, "What’d you do that for?"The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."The passenger says, "Huh?"The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, "I wish that sucker would’ve tried that stuff with me!"

• Butt joke
  
  
  A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
  
  The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
  
  While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
  
  "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that d*mn cue ball he measures everything first!"

• Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

  The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

  The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

• 3 men walk into a bar.

  After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

  The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

  The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

  Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

  The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

  As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."

• Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
  
  To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
  
  

• A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
  
  The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
  
  The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
  
  A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
  
  The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
  
  A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
  
  The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
  
  The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
  
  

• A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

  She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”

  The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
  
  Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
  
  Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
  
  Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

• A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it"
  
  50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

  Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

  Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"

  The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."

  by Adam T.
  

• A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
  
  "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
  
  "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
  
  "Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
  
  "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"
  
  "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

• A cheeseburger walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the bartender for a beer. "Sorry," the bartender says, "We don’t serve food here."

• A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
  
  After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
  
  To which she responds by yelling, at the
  top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
  
  Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
  
  After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
  
  She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
  
  You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
  
  To which he responds, at the top of his
  lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

• A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
  
  When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
  
  A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
  
  The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
  
  "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
  
  "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
  
  "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
  
  "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
  
  "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
  
  

• A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it"
  
  50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

  Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

  Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"

  The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."

  by Adam T.
  

• There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
  
  Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
  
  "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
  
  "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

• After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
  
  The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen

• A man walks in a bar and a little man is sitting next to him. The little man asked if he had a family and how old he was. The man told him he was 29 and had a wife and two kids.

  The little man says "I'am a Leprechaun, and if you left me F#$@ you in the butt I will grant you three wishes".

  They go to the bathroom and the Leprechaun starts to F@$# him in the butt.

  When almost finished the Leprechaun says, "You did say you had a family right?"

  Than man replies, "Yes I'm29 and have a wife and two kids"

  The Leprechaun says, "Well aren't you a little bit old to be believing in Leprechauns?"

• A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
  
  He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
  
  "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
  
  "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

• A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
  
  "No."
  
  A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
  
  "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
  
  "That's not my dog."

• Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

  To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

  Submitted by Rohit.

• Tom, the Commonwealth Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a bar with some friends.

  At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said “Sorry, mate, you can’t come in here – no denim.”

  Tom was quite annoyed at this and retorted, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Tom, the gold medal winner in 400m .”

  “Then it won’t take you long to run home and change, will it?” replied the bouncer.

  Submitted by zanny.

• John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
  
  Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
  
  So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
  
  And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
  
  Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
  
  Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt
  
  The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
  
  Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

• A string walks into a bar.

  He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

  The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

  The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

  He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

  They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Gina

• A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

  FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

  So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

  The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

  He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

  The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

• There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
  
  Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
  
  "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
  
  "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

• A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.
  
  In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.
  
  The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."
  
  To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."
  

• A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
  
  The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
  
  The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

• A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

  The bartender tells him it will cost 10 cents.

  After the guy finishes his beer he asks for a steak and another beer.

  The bartender tells him it will cost 50 cents.

  The guy pays and asks to thank the manager.

  The bartender tells him, his boss it upstair will his girlfriend.

  The guy asks the bartender "What's your boss doing upstairs with your girlfriend?"

  The bartender repleys, "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business"

• A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

  Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”

  “So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
  
  The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
  
  

• Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

  The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
  1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
  2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
  3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

  So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

  The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Adam

• Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  
  You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
  
  Your job is interfering with your drinking.
  
  Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
  
  Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
  
  The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  
  You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
  
  24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
  
  Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
  
  You can focus better with one eye closed.
  
  The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
  
  You fall off the floor..
  
  Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
  
  Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
  
  Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
  
  At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
  
  Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  
  You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
  
  The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..
  
  You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].
  
  Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
  
  Roseanne looks good.
  
  Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
  
  That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
  
  I'm as sober as a judge.
  
  The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
  
  You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

• A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
  
  Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
  
  "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
  
  Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

• A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
  
  Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
  
  The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
  
  The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
  
  Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
  
  The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

• A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"

  His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."

  "Oh come on" replies the bartender.

  The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

  He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

  The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".

  The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".

  The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."

  Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"

• A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
  
  The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
  
  

• A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"
  
  The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"
  
  The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."

• A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
  
  The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
  The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
  
  The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
  
  This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
  
  The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
  
  "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
  
  "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
  
  "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
  
  The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

• A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
  
  The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
  
  "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
  
  "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
  
  "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
  
  

• A guy walks into a bar and trailing behind him is an alligator. Both of which sit at the bar. The guy calls the bartender over and orders, "Two shots of whiskey. One for me and one for my friend here." The bartender brings the drinks and watches as both the guy and the alligator gulp down the shots and slam the glasses down on the bar in unison. Again the guys orders "Two shots of whiskey. One for me and one for my friend." Again, both drink the shots and slam down the glasses. This goes on until the bar closes and the bartender tells them and that they have to leave. The guy and the alligator both get up and start for the door. The alligator takes two steps and crashes to the floor. The guy (so hammered) doesn’t even notice and the bartender calls after the guy, "Hey buddy, you can’t leave that lying here. The guy turns, looks down and says, "That’s not a lion that’s an alligator!" (Note: For full effect, tell this joke using your best drunk voice or better yet while you are drunk.)

• A man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I’d like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink."The bartender replies, "It won’t do you any good."The man, with a confused look on his face says, "I don’t care what you think, I want to buy those ladies a drink."The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads. Twenty minutes later, the man approaches the ladies and says, "I’d like to buy you two another drink."The women both reply, "It won’t do you any good."The man says, "I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?"The first lady says, "We’re lesbians."The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"The second woman replies, "Lesbians… We like to lick pussies."The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

• Starkle starkle little twink
  who the hell you are I think
  I'm not under what you call
  the alcofluence of incohol
  I'm just a little slort of sheep
  I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
  I don't know who is me yet
  but the drunker I stand here
  the longer I get
  Just give me one more drink
  to fill me cup
  'cuz I got all day sober
  to Sunday up.

• A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
  
  After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
  
  She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
  
  He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
  
  

• A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
  
  He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

• A man takes his pet monkey to a bar.

  The man is sitting at the bar having a beer, and the monkey jumps up on the bar and spots the drink condiment tray and starts to eat the red marchino cherries.

  He then spots the red 3 ball on the pool table, so he jumps down off the bar and up on the pool table and swallows down the red 3 ball.

  The following week the man comes back into the bar with his pet monkey and while he is having a beer, the monkey starts taking the red marchino cherries from the drink condiment tray and puts each one up his ass before eating it.

  Confused, the bar tender asks the man why is your monkey putting the cherries up his ass before he eats them, the man replied that after he swallowed that red 3 ball last week, he now checks everything he eats for size first.

• The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
  
  "A mongoose."
  
  "What for?"
  
  "Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
  
  "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
  
  "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
  
  

• A guy walks into a bar.

  He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey.

  The bartender asks "Why?" The guy responds and says "I got my first blow."

  The bartender says "In that case I'll give you two shots of whiskey."

  The guy says "No, I just want one to get the taste out of my mouth."

   

• There were three pigs.The first pig went to a bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.The second pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and went to the bathroom and then left.The third pig went to the same bar ordered a drink and gulped it down and was just going to leave and the bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom and the third little pig said "No I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home"

• A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
  
  A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
  
  When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
  
  The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."

• The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
  
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

• A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
  
  The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
  
  The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
  
  A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
  
  The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
  
  A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
  
  The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
  
  The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

• A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
  
  Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
  
  "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
  
  Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

• A guy walks into a bar and drinks about twelve beers, then notices a huge jar of cash on the table. He asks the bartender what the cash is for. The bartender says it’s the $2000.00 prize money for whomever can complete his Three Challenges, so the guy asks what the challenges are. The bartender gives him another beer and says, "First you have to knock out Candy," and points to a 300-pound former football player. "Then you have to pull my pet man-eating wolf’s loose tooth out," the bartender continues, and he points to a room with a vicious wolf inside. "And finally you have to screw Big Bertha," and he points to a 500-pound woman.
  
  The guy has yet another drink and says, "I’ll do it!" So he goes up to Candy and knocks him out in one hit! Then he goes into the room with the wolf and shuts the door. Everyone in the bar can hear the wolf howling as if in agony. The man then walks out of the room without a scratch on him and says, "Okay! Now where’s that lady with the loose tooth again?"

• A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
  
  Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
  
  "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
  
  

• There's a big guy like 7 feet tall and he has a head the size of an orange.

  He walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

  The bartender cant resist to ask so he goes, "You're a big guy, why do you have such a small head?".

  So the guy says, "Well I was walking down the beach one day and I saw a lamp, I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

  She said you have one wish. So I said will you have sex with me?

  The genie said, "sorry, genies can't do that".

  So then I said "how about a little head?"

• A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
  
  The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
  
  "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
  
  The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
  
  "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
  
  "What's it telling you now?" she asked.
  
  "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.
  
  The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
  
  The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

• The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
  
  "A mongoose."
  
  "What for?"
  
  "Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
  
  "But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
  
  "That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

• A string walks into a bar.

  He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

  The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

  The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

  He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

  They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Gina

• A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
  
  "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
  
  He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
  
  "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
  
  The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
  
  "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
  
  "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
  
  "How did you know?"
  
  "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

• One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
  
  "What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
  
  "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
  
  The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
  
  "Yeah, except today is the last night."

• A very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of the bar.

  The bartender says to her, "What can I get ya?"

  The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."

  The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.

  The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, "What can I get ya?"

  The woman replies, "Give me a Busch Beer."

  The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag her out back and have their way with her.

  The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, "I know, you want a Busch..."

  The woman stops him and says, "No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch makes my pussy hurt."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Baser-X

• A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
  
  After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
  
  He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
  
  He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
  
  "You got a problem, buddy?"
  
  "Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
  
  

• A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a tiny head about the size of an orange.

  He asks the bartender what had happened to the man.

  The bartender says, "Well, he was on a beach and saw a beautiful mermaid."

  "The mermaid swam up to him and offered him a single wish."

  Unfortunatly, the man replied "How about a little head?"

• I have got a drinking problem....
  
  I've got two hands, but only one mouth...

• A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
  
  "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
  
  "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
  
  

• 1) You always know if you are the first one to open a beer.
  2) A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.
  3) A beer never gets angry if you show up smelling of beer.
  4) The colder a beer, the better.
  5) You can always share a beer with your friends.
  6) A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.
  7) You can choose a beer from the case and, if you change your mind, you can pick another one.

• A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town.
  
  Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window.
  
  Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.
  
  The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
  
  "Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
  
  "Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
  
  "Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

• A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
  
  The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
  
  "Why not?" askes the brain.
  
  "You're already out of your head."

• A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
  
  He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
  
  "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
  
  "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
  
  

• A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
  
  A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
  
  When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
  
  The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."