An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?""Sure. That's easy," said one man."What is it?""H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.""What, what?" reasked the instructor."H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.
He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.
He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.
Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"
The TSGT said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.
"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.
So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.
"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.
No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.
"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.
"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers."It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied."I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?""No sir, our mother.""Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!""I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?He got bombed.
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
Dear China,
We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.
We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan...since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.
We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)
In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.
Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.
Sincerely,
The People of the United States of AmericaQ: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ? A: Turkey.
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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This is Army policy all begins...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
That's how Army policy begins...A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .
* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *
1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5) Marines don't wear dungarees.
6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.
7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''
8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.
9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''
10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima
11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.
12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.
13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.
14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.
15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.
16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.
19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.
20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.
21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!
22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!
23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)
24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.
25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.
26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days."Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.""Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.""What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia. The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people. There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected. The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can. After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath. The colonel bellows, "DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?" Then the soldier says "NO, SIR." The colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier says, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap. After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers, "DID THAT HURT?" The soldier responds, "NO, SIR." And the colonel says "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier shouts, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"The colonel gets up to the third squad leader. He notices that there is an erection between his legs. The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it. The man barely makes a sound. The colonel asks him "DID THAT HURT?" And the soldier says "NO, SIR." Then the colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "BECASUE IT WAS HIS."
The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.
THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain's saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel's business and entertaining would take place.
Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.
It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder's and the owner's representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.
In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.
Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.
His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.
He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."
"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"Top Holiday Traditions In The Military
9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask
8. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower
7. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant
6. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530
5. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt
4. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen
3. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank
2. Watching "Frosty" and crying my eyes out
1. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnogWhile practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. “You there,” the sergeant shouts, “the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!” The recruit takes two steps to one side.
“What are you doing, man?” Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. “I’m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant,” answers the recruit calmly.Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? A: You only have to teach them to take off.
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"
What about Where does a General keep his Armys? In his sleevies!
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
The United States Army will be making a new movie...They'll be shooting in Iraq!
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing." The German replied, "Yeah that will not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time." "Yeah, that will be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before." The German replies, "yeah" The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her."I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "D**k, ten-HUT!" And with that, his d**k sprang to full erection. "D**k, at EASE!" And his d**k deflated again."That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbor to show her?"The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman."D**k, ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up. "D**k, at EASE!" Nothing. "D**k, at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, D**k at EASE!"Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating."What are you doing?""I'm giving this guy a dishonorable discharge!"
An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!
Submitted by vicky.
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!""I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”
Submitted by vicky.
Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained: "I have an inferiority complex."
"Nothing I can do for you", said the doc.
"In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior..."
An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike."
"Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands."The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on ours!!!"
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.The Army will post guards around the place.The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.“This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ? A: B-52...F-16...A-10.
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
Submitted by Neil.
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken."You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where.""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.""No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager."Never better."The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?""Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine."How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
“Daddy, were you in a war?”
“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”
Submitted by Kaspar.
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”
Q: In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?A: With a crowbar.
Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!”
Submitted by vicky.
The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.
The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.
Iraqi Air Force motto:
I came I saw IranA military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”
Recruits got a shock when their Army basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant. Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water. At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask. From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?" "Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"
An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:
"OK, chief, but why so much ?"
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals:
"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!
Response from a junior (very junior) sonar watchstander
"Sonar - Conn, Report all contacts in preparation in coming to periscope depth"
"Conn - Sonar, I hold no contacts - how 'bout you..?"
"Sonar - Conn, Supervisor to the Conn"
QMOW: "Navigator we're on a course for sea mounts."
NAV: "Exec we're heading for shallow water."
EXEC: " Captain, we're running out of water."
CAPT: "What, no water, ...very well, secure the showers."Air Force Approach: Eagle 13, turn right to 330.Eagle 13: Roger 330.App: Eagle 13, I've been working since last night, Will you do me a favor?Eagle 13: Affirmative.Go ahead.App: Down below on your right, you'll see a base house with yellow roof near the lake.That is my house.I had a fight with my Wife, and I'm worried she might take it out on my Harley.Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?Eagle 13: Negative sir.Instead I can see a Ryder's truck.
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. "Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds.Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
The Army has been experimenting for years to come up with a liquid that will eat through anything and they finally did it. It eats through glass, stainless steel, iron,and all kinds of metal, rock and granite. Now if they could only find something to put it in.
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."A knight walked into a blacksmith's shop. The blacksmith said: "You've got mail."
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
Submitted by vicky.
An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.
A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"
"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.
The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.
After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."
The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
What do you call 35,000 men with their hands up?"Iraqi Army."
The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door."Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private. "Yes sir!" the Private Responds.An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived. The worried Captain checks with the Sentry."Did the General arrive?""No Sir!"Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again?"Hasn't the General arrived yet?""No Sir!"This continues for two hours. Finally, the General arrives."Where the hell have you been?" snapped the private, "The captain's looking for you!"
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Submitted by Paul.
After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!”
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.""Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!
Civil War Era Humor
The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War.
BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company , my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and kissed me on top of the head."
LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the .... mailman.
KINDNESS... Treated kindly, a soldier responds with kindness. Treated kindly, a citizen responds with treason.
PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay home and run the farm.
COFFIN was called a wooden overcoat.
GREY UNIFORM... After the war a former Confederate officer, who violated the city ordinance against wearing a grey uniform in public, was arrested and put in jail. He broke the law because he did not own another suit. A former Union Officer asked for and received permission from the sheriff to share the cell; remaining there until public opinion forced the one time Rebel's release with repeal of the law.
MANNERS... Don't let your hurry up take over your manners.
DRUGS... A lot of drugs will make you any person you want to be; but no drug can make you be the person you used to be.
NO HONOR... During a battle, a Captain observed that one of the soldiers of his regiment was not shooting at an enemy soldier that had dropped his musket and was running away. When the battle was over the captain sought out the soldier and asked him why he did not shoot at the retreating enemy soldier. He replied, " When that soldier decided to run away, he marked himself as a coward and has to live with the decision all his life. If I had shot him I would have shortened his burden and also there is no honor in shooting a man that is not facing you."
OFFICER'S SHOULDER BARS were called pumpkin rinds.
NO COUNTERSIGN... When food was scarce many soldiers would steal or pillage nearby farms for anything that could be converted to food or drink. One evening an Officer smelled roast pork, investigating he found a pig roasting over a camp fire and asked who the soldiers were that stole it. A Corporal came to attention and said "sir, I was on picket duty and when I heard a noise and I called out for the pass word. All I heard was oink and that is not the countersign so I shot him. We were just going to bring him to your tent for court martial and have you pass judgment on him. The Officer, suppressing a smile, said " bring only a part of him and I will pass a partial sentence."
FREE WHISKEY... A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " what, and give up all that free whiskey?"
CANNONBALL... A whistling cannon ball can dampen a soldiers courage.
COWARD... A Confederate expression used to express a coward, " He developed a case of Yankee Chills."
YOUNG SOLDIER... A young soldier never sees danger until it is time to die.
SCARED... A soldier in battle stated that he was so scared that if he was a girl , he'd cry.
WAXED MUSTACHE... A soldier that had no respect for his commanding officer who wore a waxed mustache, would shout to him " take those mice out of your mouth, I can see their tails hanging out."
FOG OF WAR... A term used to describe a sense of confusion that seems to over take a Commander at the commencement of a battle.
SLIPPERY BACON... Bacon that is so rotten, it's only use would be to start a fire with.
BATHROOM... Although not listed in the rules of war, soldiers on both sides did not shoot at the enemy when he was going to the bathroom.
FIRST BATTLE... When a soldier went into a battle for the very first time, it was called " seeing the elephant " and also when two veterans would meet and discuss their first battle they would use the expression " Where did you lose your grin?" The fun for a young soldier was over once he entered his first battle.
BUGLE... In the winter, one of the favorite tricks that the soldiers would play on the bugler was to put water in his bugle at night and let it freeze. The next morning the bugler would be unable to blow reveille until he thawed out his bugle.
BUTTONS... When an officer was detailed to do many different duties by his Commander he would describe himself as having to many buttons on his coat.
ROOSTER... The Confederate Army won many of the battles in the beginning and the middle of the war. One reason was that the Union were the invaders and were attacking fortified positions. The Confederates were entrenched and defending their homeland . They described it best with the expression, " A rooster fights best on his own hill."
BAYONET... A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared " May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
BRAVERY... A brave soldier is a compassionate enemy.As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.He told his Syrian guest, “Take anything you want – our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.”“No, no – you don’t understand!” the Syrian replied. “Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!”
Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.
Lease a Nuke!
Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?
Lease a nuclear device!
In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.
Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being.
Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement.
Why lease?
By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.
Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.
Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?
Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.
With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army.
The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability.
The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.
Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.
Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.
Dr. Nuketopia,
Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy
(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.
"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel."Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside."Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
There was an inn keeper who urgently needed to expand his parking lot due to his business's growing needs. However, the lot next to his, which he had purchased, was covered with tree saplings and the city had an ordinance against bulldozing trees. The inn keeper was a powerful man on the city council and was friends with all of its members. He brought up an amendment to the council to allow him to bulldoze the saplings so he could pave it for his new lot. Was he successful?
No, the "infant tree's" always beat the "Inn's urgency".General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?”
“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.”
“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”
“I’d like to see that.”
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”
“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”
Submitted by vicky.
What is the best job in a country which is war-prone? "Foreign ambassador."
The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: "Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men."
"What is it?" the officer got interested.
"Two hundred soldiers."He was such an egotist that he joined the navy so the world could see him.
1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer’s statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
8. The senior officer is Always Right.
9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.
Submitted by vicky.
Things to Remember During a War
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?”Second soldier: “No way, Jose!”First soldier: “Whyever not?”Second soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"Soldier: "Sure, buddy."Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again!"Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ? A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.
An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!” The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke:“OK, chief, but why so much ?”At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky… The tribe signals:“Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”
Q: Where does a general keep his armies? A: Up his sleevies.
Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Bubba says, “Hey, Junior - there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank.”“But we’s privates,” protests Junior.“NO, we’s sergeants now,” says Bubba, pulling him inside“Now, Junior, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank.”“But, we’s privates,” says Junior.“You blind, boy!” says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.“You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.“Junior,” he says, “What you give me the okay for?!”“Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.”Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!
Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'
Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."
It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.
"My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues.
"I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one."
Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon..."
Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'."
Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness."
"Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play," Baker replied...The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ? A. Nothing, yet.
An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak”.The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, ” In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …! ”
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider."Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.""Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?""Of course, my son," said the priest.The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
A private was brought up before the unit CO for some offence. ‘You can take your choice, Private – one month’s restriction or twenty days’ pay,’ said the officer. ‘All right, sir,’ said the bright soldier, ‘I’ll take the money.’
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked."This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see." Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane.The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
General Peter Pollock, the Navy Chief was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. General Pollock arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and Pollock asks: "So how are your men Marshall?""Very well trained, Peter.""I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too.""I'd like to see that."So Marshall calls an under-trainee and says: "James! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!""Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As James ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered Pollock and said:"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . The Army is still looking for him.
A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter."I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed."What happened?", his buddy asked."Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump.""What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned."Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!""Did you jump?""Well, a little at first."
During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home".
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? Home?What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey.They thought they would have some fun with him. "Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers. "You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?" "Sure am," said the boy."If I didn't he would probably join the Army."
Did you hear about the gay French General?He blew Napoleon's Bonaparte!
Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.
Soldier: Which one is Will?As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”
During the Cold War days, a Russian pilot is captured by the US Army and locked up for interrogation. US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 Fighter!" Russian pilot: "I don't know" He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 fighter!"Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!" He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia. In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them: "Comrades, learn the MiG-50 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"
Q:What not to say to the nice policeman?A:I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge."Was it my friend Sam", he demanded."No !" his weeping wife replied."Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked."NO !!!" she said even more upset."Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked."Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”
Submitted by Jill.
Two dogfaces were digging a foxhole.
"What made you join the Army?" asked one.
"Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time."A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?”Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!” The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke:
“OK, chief, but why so much ?”
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky… The tribe signals:
“Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”
Submitted by vicky.
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."Which month do soldiers hate most? March!
A private just out of training is assigned to guard the main gate.
He is ordered to allow no one through unless they have the password.
A vehicle with a 3-star general inside rolls up. The private stops the vehicle and asks the driver for the password.
The driver doesn't know the password. The private, after saluting the general, asks him the for the password. The general doesn't know it either.
The private says, “I can’t let you through without the password.”
The general replies, “Son I'm the commander of this base and a 3-star general!”
The private says, “Sir, I still can’t let you pass."
The general tells the driver to drive on through.
The private then says to the general, “Sir I'm real new to this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered
private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and
spit on my grave."
"Not me, Serge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of
the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know."Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. "My sergeants are wonderful", said one soldier.
"I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other.
"You could if you could lie as I do."
A ranger outfit was having training in mountain climbing. One of the men slipped and began falling into a precipice.
"Are you hurt?" asked another.
"I don't know yet," a weak voice was heard, "am still falling!"The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose.The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.The two generals were very happy with their earnings.Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?"The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?"The general said, "Just do it!"The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, "Sir, where are your balls."The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? A: They need a map....
An Indian soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Indian army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in a Pakistani tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the Border. As I saw a Pakistani tank. I put my white flag up, the Pakistani tank put his white flag up.I said to the Pakistani soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence."You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer."All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions“What happened on June 6, 1944?”“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”“What was the turning point of world war 2?”“Battle of the bulge, sir!”“What’s is the importance of May 12? The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!”The superior then said “Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.”
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”The Admiral threw him out also.The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.“Do you notice anything different about me?”To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself."
"By shooting?" reasked the company commander, "Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."
When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: "This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle."
Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?"
"I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep."The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”“Not so fast, McGrath!”
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.
During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."
Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!
Beijing (Reuters) - Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States," Fully responsible" for today’s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane.
Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.
A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed "Panda Rash", told China's news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork's f-8 jet.
"I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight." said the pilot "He could not shake the American foreign-devil" The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.
Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp " Fully responsible for the incident" repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident.
China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.
Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.
"The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant" Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying.
Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone's that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”
There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
“What happened on June 6, 1944?”
“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”
“What was the turning point of world war 2?”
“Battle of the bulge, sir!”
“What’s is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought “I don’t know, sir!”
The superior then said “Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday”Submitted by vicky.
The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.“Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?”“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”
Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The side with the simplest uniform wins...
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!
The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!
Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries
Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.
A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.
The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.
There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.
There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.
Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.
Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.
Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?
The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.
Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.
The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.
The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.
If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.
Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.
Phillip's Law:
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
Least Credible Sentences:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.
Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:
1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.
Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):
You get the most of what you need the least.
Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ? A: He elected to receive.
The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel,sir.""The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent . Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?""No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters."
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters.
Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters."
The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft.
The Americans utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on auto pilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of its four formidable rotating air mass propeller weapons system.
After the action, the crew and passengers/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government.
Reprinted from the Taiwan Daily GazetteAn Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”
A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?""Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest."Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic.""Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed.""I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.""Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question.""What is that, my son?""Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ? A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.Q: What is the best Iraqi job ? A: Foreign Ambassador.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Submitted by vicky.
A blonde decides to join the military thinking she can meet a few guys.What is wrong with this joke?1. This isn't a joke2. The blonde is thinking
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider."Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.""Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?""Of course, my son," said the priest.The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”
“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”
“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”
Submitted by vicky.
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter'soffice. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: “So how are your men?”“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.”“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”“I’d like to see that.”So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
Submitted by vicky.
A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.
He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.
After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.
The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?"
The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!At a Barrack, the commander calls the captain: "Take as many soldiers you need and start building additional toilets. The number of the people in need has increased!""I would suggest, sir, instead of building more toilets, maybe we should hire a new cook!"
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In Iraq.
There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.
In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.
Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.
His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.
He told his Syrian guest, “Take anything you want – our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.”
“No, no – you don’t understand!” the Syrian replied. “Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!”
Submitted by vicky.
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.
The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.
At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).
The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.
The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer. They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside. He is gone for a long time.When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses.""Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks.The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.
The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”Submitted by vicky.
Three grandsons of ex Army Men were boasting about their grandfathers. "My great grandfather," one declared proudly, "made the army proud by joining the army at the age of 12." "Mine," boasts another, "got 12 bravery medals." "He was the only soldier in my family," confessed the third one, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 152 years old."
The soldier serving in Iraq was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
"Where does the Colonel keep his armies?""Up his sleevies!"
First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"
First soldier: "Whyever not?"
Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said “Good trade Sir!”
Submitted by vicky.
Which branch of the military do babies join?The infantry!
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.British Military Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept.
When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it.
"I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane."
"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied Jim, "but it's sitting in my garage!"1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
8. The senior officer is Always Right.
9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?"
"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."Q: What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.
There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?”
“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”
Submitted by vicky.
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.“Daddy, were you in a war?”“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”
‘What were you in civilian life, soldier?’ ‘Happy, sir.’
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."The nun agreed...A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied, "He went that way."After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."The nun said, "I understand completely."The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A General retired after 35 years and realized his life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's bird dog, "Sarge."The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting, and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog."What happened to ol' "Sarge?" he asked."Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel.After that, all the dog would do was sit on his ass and bark."
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.""Thank you very much, sir."
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”
How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th?Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, James!"
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office."Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God"."Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?""Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"
Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice Doggy", until your sniper gets the range.
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Marine said "those are deer tracks."
The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks."
The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army?
New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.
He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?
A: DUCK!
Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
A: You shout out, "B-52"
The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that :
Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.
Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.
Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?
A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!
Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.
Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?
A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke.""No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened."How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked."This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.
“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript.
“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ? A: So they can see their Air Force.
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"Q: What is it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?A: Bestiality
During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him
the keys, "Yours is."US Ship: - (at night)"Move out of my way"
Canadian ship: -"No. We cant"
US ship: - "Ours is an important big ship with attacking equipments"
Canadian ship: -"We are a light house on a small island. We cannot move"An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks"What's your problem, Soldier?"Chronic syphilis, Sir!""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front lines, Sir!""Good man!" says the Major.He goes to the next bed."What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic piles, Sir!""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front lines, Sir!""Good man!" says the Major.He goes to the next bed."What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic gum disease, Sir!""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!""What's your ambition?""To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!
What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?The optimist studies English.The pessimist studies Chinese.The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why."Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Q: What is Iraq's national bird ? A: Duck.
During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."
What are the 3 most dangerous sayings in the Navy???
1. An Ensign saying "I learned this at the Academy"
2. A Lieutenant saying "Based on my experience"
3. A Navy Chief saying "Hey, watch this"There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,…..”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ….. “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,…… “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals”The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, …… “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck”So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship”The Army guy replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!”The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to come.”
A Navy Officer was trying to make a phone call, but had no change, three Marines were approaching and the Officer asked one of them, "excuse me private do you have change for a dollar?" the private replied, "yes I do", the Navy officer said, "don't you mean no sir, now let's try this again" so the Navy Officer, asked again " private do you have change for a dollar?” The private replied, "no sir"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Returning to West Point late one night, Colonel Schultz and his wife were challenged by the sentry at the gate.
“Halt and identify yourself!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” declared the startled woman.
The sentry stepped aside. “Advance, Holy Family, to be recognized.”Q: What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex?A: Gladiator.
An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:"What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic syphilis, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front, Sir.""Good man." says the Major.He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic piles, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front, Sir.""Good man." says the Major.He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic gum disease, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What's your ambition?""To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"
During the Iraq war, a Lieutenant asked the soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle, "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?" The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."
Sergeant: Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the wood. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.
Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front.As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Said the officer to the soldier, "Private, why did you salute that refrigerator?"
The soldier replied, "Because it was General Electric."
"And that jeep?" the officer asked.
Replied the soldier, "Because it was General Motors."A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.A Kentuckian entered the US Army and was in his first week of basic training. He lived in the back hills and was not used to the modern amenities.On the first day, he was issued a comb. On the second day they sent him to the barber to cut off his hair. On the third day he was issued a toothbrush and toothpaste. On the fourth day he was sent to the dentist and they pulled ten of his teeth. On the fifth day he was issued an athletic supporter. On the sixth day he went AWOL.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."The following are supposedly true headlines that have appeared in papers during the war.
Some Leading Papers' Coverage of Custer's Massacre
Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"
Pravda: "Big Red Victory."
Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"
Women's Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"
Reader's Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"
The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"The young man says, "I chop wood!""Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?""I chop wood!""Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!""Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!""Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
How do you clear an Iraqi Bingo parlor?
Yell “B52”An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.
Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane
10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin
9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker
8. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"
7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles
6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
5. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan
4. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings
3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty
2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!
1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua VelvaTwo men were boasting to each other about their old army days.“Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”
Submitted by vicky.
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked
"How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"What soldiers smell of salt and pepper? Seasoned troops!
General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern. The general yelled at a passing sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that damned sniper?" The sergeant looked down at the general and replied:"I guess not, general. We're scared that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises."How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers."It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied."I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?""No sir, our mother.""Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!""I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
English man Irish man Scotch man are in a desert, they got captured by the Germans. The Germans say, I will give you one thing before you die. The Englishman man say water, the Scotch man say whiskey, the Irish man says a car door. The Germans say, why do you want a car door. The Irish man says, because when it gets hot, it can wind down the window.
A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Military Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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