Dumb Jokes

• A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!




• If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.
  
  

  Roadkill may be taken home for supper.
  
  

• A blonde walks in the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream cone.

  The clerk tells her that he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a pint of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, just vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a quart of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk then asks her how she spells van as in vanilla.

  She says, V-A-N.

  He then asks her how she spells straw as in strawberry.

  She says, S-T-R-A-W

  He then asks her how she spells fuck as in chocolate.

  After a while she says there is no fuck in chocolate.

  THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU

• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
  
  

  It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
  
  

• A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

  "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

  Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

  WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

  She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

  "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
  

• So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

  They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

  And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

  And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Sanjay Patel

• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
  
  

  A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
  
  

• It is illegal to challenge someone to a duel, or accept a duel, even it it is never actually fought. Penalty: Imprisonment for one to seven years.
  
  

  Riding a horse over any public highway for the purpose of racing, or testing the speed of the horse is illegal. Penalty: Maximum $20 fine and imprisonment for 10 days.
  
  

• A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all escape from prison. They hear the cops coming so they each climb a tree.
  
  The cops come and shine flashlights in the trees.
  
  They shine a light on the tree with the brunette and she goes "whoo whoo" like an owl.
  
  They shine the light in the redhead's tree, she goes "Tweet Tweet" like a bird.
  
  They shine the light on the blonde’s tree... "Moooooo".

• There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)

  A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

  The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

  She says "Nope that wont work"

  The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"

  She says "Nope that wont work"

  The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"

• Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.

  Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.

  Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.

  The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.

  She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........

  Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

• Thistles may not grow in one's yard.

  Baltimore

  No person who is a "tramp" or "vagrant" shall loiter in any park at any time. They define tramp as a person who roves for begging purposes and a vagrant as an idle person who is able-bodied living without labor. It's a $50 fine. I guess the tramp would have to beg for the money to pay the fine. -Park Rule 6
  
  

• Alaska's More Important Laws
  
  In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
  
  

• Any person crippling, killing or in any way destroying a proud female dog that is running at large shall not be held liable for the damages due to such killing or destruction.
  
  

  "Crimes against nature" are prohibited.
  
  

• You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.
  
  

  It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house.
  
  

• For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe leaving your car unlocked at a church parking lot on a Sunday! Apparently NOT.
  Anyway, I got 4 iPhones and 6 Tablets.

• It is not illegal to speed. (Repealed)
  
  

  Buckner

  In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday.
  
  

• A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.
  The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

• State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet.
  
  

  Carrizozo

  It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.
  
  

• Dumb Wisconsin Laws

  At one time, margarine was illegal.
  
  

  As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.
  
  

• A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

  A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

  As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

  Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

  To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
  

• There is this lady and she is struggling having a baby so the doctor brings out these pills and he tells her each of these pills takes away a quarter of the pain, but sends it to the father of the baby.

  So she takes one and her husband says "Women are wimps, I feel no pain"

  Then she takes another and her husband says "Man this doesn't hurt."

  So she takes, two more and has no problem having the baby and neither her nor her husband are in pain.

  Two days later they come home with the baby and the milk man is dead on their doorstep

• Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
  
  

  All bathtubs must have feet.
  
  

  A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.
  
  

• Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
  
  

  It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
  
  

• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.

  Lewes

• A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

  "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

  "Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.

  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

  "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

  The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

  "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.

  "I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."

  "Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.

  "That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"

  "But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"

  "Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."
  

• Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

  Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

  Woman: Oh, I see.

  Officer: Can I see your license please?

  Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

  Officer: Don't have one?

  Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

  Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

  Woman: I can't do that.

  Officer: Why not?

  Woman: I stole this car.

  Officer: Stole it?

  Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

  Officer: You what?

  Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

  The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

  Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
  please!

  The woman steps out of her vehicle.

  Woman: Is there a problem sir?

  Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

  Woman: Murdered the owner?

  Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

  The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

  Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

  Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

  The first officer is stunned.

  Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

  The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

  Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

  Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

  
  By Dave

• Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
  
  

  You may not step out of a plane in flight.
  
  

• No more than two packages of beer at a time may be purchased, unless you are buying from an official "beer distributor"
  
  

  You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.
  
  

• A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

  When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

  This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

  The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

  One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

  A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

  The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"
  

• The teacher is going around the room, saying the names of animals, and the kids have to make the sound that the animal does.

  She says cow, and cindy raises her hand and says, moooo. very good cindy.

  She says duck, and bobby raises his hand and says, quack quack. very good bobby

  She says pig, little johnny raises his hand and says, freeze or i`ll shoot.

• It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
  
  

  All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.
  
  

• It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.
  
  

  It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
  
  

• It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
  
  

  You may not slurp your soup.
  
  

• A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'

  So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
  party run to the pool to see what has happened.

  In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

  The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

  The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

• There once was a boy called Matty who didnt have a body, he only had a head.

  Then it came to his 18th birthday, so his dad who felt sorry for him took for a pint down the local pub, Matty was very excited about having his 1st drink of alcohol , so the proud father came in and placed Matty down on the bar and ordered 2 pints.

  Then the father poured the beer into Mattys mouth, and once he'd finished a body had grown onto Mattys head, so he kept drinking and by the end of the night he was a normal man, with arms, legs, toes and fingers, but Matty kept on drinking.

  The lesson you should learn from this is to always 'Quit while your a head'

• A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

  Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

  As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

  Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

  As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

  Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

  He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

• A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

  The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

  The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

  Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

  Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

  "HEBREWS"
  

• A guy walks in for his interview.
  The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

  The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

  Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

  2nd guy walks in for his interview.

  The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

  The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

  Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

  This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

  3rd guy walks in for his interview.

  The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

  The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

  The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

  3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
  

• It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
  
  

  A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
  
  

• Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
  
  

  Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
  
  

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  What if there were no hypothetical questions?

  If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  Is there another word for synonym?

  Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

  What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

  If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

  Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

  Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

  If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

  Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

  If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

  How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

  What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

  Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

  Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  How is it possible to have a civil war?

  If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

  If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

  If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

  Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

  Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

  Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

  If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

  Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

• Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
  
  

  Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
  
  

• Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
  
  

  Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
  
  

• While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

  "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

  Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

• Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
  
  

  It is illegal to tickle women.
  
  

• A teacher at an infant school is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he was doing.

  "Well Miss, the spider's name is Herbert and watch this." Jonny then bends down to the spider and whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets ahold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a bit in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.

  The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbet, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" but Herbert doesn't move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After serveral attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider "Run, Herbert, Run" but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks "Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?" Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf"

• A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
  
  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
  
  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
  
  "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
  
  "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
  
  The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
  
  "Moses," replied the bird.
  
  "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
  
  "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

• A redneck and his girlfriend are having dinner one evening when all of a sudden the redneck's aquentice jumps up and stars gasping for air.

  The redneck quickly stands up and realizes she choking on a piece of hamhok.

  He starts pounding on her back like a drum and says "you alright?" she shakes her head no.

  So then he starts hitting her belly, "how bout now?" he askes.

  Her face now red shakes no. "i sure hate to have to do this to you" he says. then he goes behind her and flips up her dress and licks her in the ass crack.

  He looks at her and askes her again "you alright?" she shakes her head no and her face is now purple.

  The redneck looks at her with defeat and says "Well Im sorry, I guess that dog-gone hinelick manuver don't work after all"

• A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
  He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

  The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

  This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

  A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
  
  

• No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.)
  
  

• Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

  Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

  Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

  Man with one chopstick go hungry.

  Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

  Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

  Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

  Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

  War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

  Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

  Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

  It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

  Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

  Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

  Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

  Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

  Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

  Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
  

• One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
  
  Tim and the thief got tangle up and began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
  
  The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.
  
  The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
  
  "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

• There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

  Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

  While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

  Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

  All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

  The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.

• Mike and Audrey were flying a plane and when it came time to land, Audrey took control like she normally did.

  As she was approaching the runway she all of the sudden pulled back and they went back into the air. Then Mike asked, "What are you doing?" Audrey turned to him and said, "Look how short the runway is!"

  Mike decided he could handle it and sat down and went in for the landing. When he was almost there he pulled back up. Audrey looked at him and said, "What did I tell you. It was too short." Mike said, "Okay so you were right, but we still have to land."

  For one final try Audrey sat down and with all her might somehow landed the plane smoothly without even gliding across the runway. After they landed they looked at each other and Audrey goes "Good gosh that was a short runway." Then Mike looks to one side then the other and says "But man look how wide it is."

• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
  
  

  Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
  
  

• A middle aged woman goes to see a plastic surgeon about a face lift. She says she's starting to get lines and wrinkles in her face and wants them gone. He examines her and says "There's a great new technique out that I would like to try on you. It's called The Knob. It's different from a regular surgery because a knob is installed into the back of your head and you can turn it until you see the desired effect. The best thing about it is that in 5 or 10 years you won't need another face lift. If you see more lines or wrinkles, just turn the knob a few more turns and they will disappear."

  She is reluctant to try something so new, but he reassures her she will love it, so she goes ahead and gets it done.

  A few months afterward, she returns to the Doctor and is extremely happy with the results. He sends her on her way and tells her she doesn't need to come back for 10 more years, and if she sees any lines appear to turn the knob a little more to take care of them.

  On the 10th year she returns to the Doctor. He asks "How is everything?" and she replies "Just fine until a year or so ago. Every few months I gave the knob a turn or two to keep things tight, and then I saw these bags under my eyes. I kept turning the knob and turning it, but they wouldn't go away."
  The Doctor looks closely at her face and the bags under her eyes. Finally, he says "Ma'am, those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts."

  "Ohhh" she replies, "so that would explain the goatee."

• I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

• It is considered an offense to get a tattoo.
  
  

  Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal.
  
  

• If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
  
  

  The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
  
  

• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.
  
  

  All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
  
  

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
  
  

  A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
  
  

• The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
  
  

  Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
  
  

• Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten, or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden.
  
  

  No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.
  
  

• Little Johnny was sitting in the park one day eating chocolate bars.

  An old man comes along and sits next to him.

  Little Johnny proceeds to eat more bars.

  After the forth bar the man says to him don't you think your eating too many chocolate bars.

  Little Johnny tells says to him my grandfather lived to be 110 years old.

  The old man looking surprised said really from eating a lot of chocolate bars like that.

  Little Johnny says no from minding his own fracking business.

  Submitted by: Stephen V, NL Canada

• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
  
  

  Whistling underwater is illegal.
  
  

• One day little Johnny Big Balls was playing football in the back yard and he threw the football over the fence.

  So Johnny climbed over the fence and the neighbour seen him and Johnny said "Hi I'm Johnny Big Balls whats your name?"

  Then he jumped back over the fence.

  Annoyed, the neighbour built up his fence.

  A month later Johnny was playing soccer and he kicked the ball over the fence then Johnny climbed over the fence and the neighbour seen him and Johnny said "Hi I'm Johnny Big Balls whats your name?"

  Then he jumped back over the fence.

  Annoyed again the neighbour put barb wire on the fence.

  A month later Johnny Big Balls was playing baseball and then he hit the ball over the fence and he jumped over and said "Hi I'm Johnny"

• It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
  
  

  Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.
  
  

• The English language is not to be spoken.
  
  

  You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
  
  

• There was three guys getting on a plane, the first one had a sandwich, the second one had a bag of peanuts and the third one had a bomb.

  While they were up in the air the pilot said that the plane was too heavy and if it didn't get any weight off of it it was going to crash.

  So the first guy drops his sandwich off, but still wasn't enough, so he jumped off and lived, when he got down he saw this little girl crying and crying and he asked what was the matter and she said that a sandwich hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

  Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the second guy dropped his bag of peanuts off, but it still wasn't enough so he jumped off and lived, when he got down there he saw this little girl crying and crying, so he asked what was the matter and she said that a bag of peanuts hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

  Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the third guy dropped his bomb off but it still was too heavy so he jumped off and lived when he got down there he saw this little boy laughing and laughing and he asked the little boy what was so funny and he said I farted and a building blew up!!

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
  
  

  Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
  
  

• Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
  
  

  Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
  
  

• A little frog hops into a bank, and hops over to the teller at the front desk. He says to her, "Hi, I would like a loan."

  The lady tells him to the end of the hallway and to the door that says Patricia Whack. The frog obays, and hops into her office, and plops onto her desk, and says to her, "I want a loan."

  Patricia asks him what he would like to protect this loan with. He offers her a ceremic lion. Patricia leaves the room for a minute, and walks over to her bosses office.

  "This frog just hopped into my office, and asked for a loan. He wants to protect it with this," she says as she hands him the lion.

  He inspects it, and says, "It's a nicknack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!"

• Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

  "Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

  "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

  "What a horrible way to die!"

  "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

  "What a way to go, that's terrible!"

  "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

  "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

  "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

  "Man, what a way to go!"

  "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

  "Now that is one awful way to go!"

  "No no, he survived that..."

  "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

  "I shot him!"

  "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

  "He was wrecking my house."
  

• This one time three men, a French guy, an Italian guy and a Mexican where on a budget airline flight. So budget in fact that the plane doesn't land at their destination, they must jump.

  Two hours into the flight the French guy was tired of waiting, so he stuck out his hand to see where he was, "Were in France" he yelled, "I can feel the Eifel Tower" and he jumped home.

  Three hours after that the Italian guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "Yeah, We're in Rome, I touched the Collisium!" and he exited the plane.

  Another few hours later the Mexican guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "At last, I must be in Mexico, because someone's just stole my watch"

• You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
  
  In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
  
  

• It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.
  
  

  Birds have the right of way on all highways.
  
  

  It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
  
  

• Three men are captured by cannibals.

  The cannibal leader says that if the men can go into the jungle and find 10 of the same fruit they would be freed.

  So they go into the jungle. The first man comes out and was told by the leader that if he could shove all his fruits (apples) up his butt without wincing or making faces they would be freed. So the man shoves the first one up and then a second one accept he winced so they killed him.

  The second man comes in with berries. He's all the way to 8 when he bursts out laughing and is killed.

  In heaven the first man asks the second man "why did you burst out laughing you could of made it?"

  The second man replies "I couldn't help it I saw the third guy come into the clearing with pineapples.

• Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
  
  They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
  

• Three men visit the mountain of wishes where, if you jump off and say your wish you'll get it.

  So the first guy jumps and says I wanna be famous, POOF he's famous.

  The second guy jumps and says I wanna be rich, POOF he's a trillionaire.

  Finally, the third guy goes trips over a stick and says shit.

  As he hits the bottom he lands in a pile of shit.

• One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.

  They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

  Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

  The other two guys say, "Why?".

  "So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

  Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

  "Why" asked the other two.

  "So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

  Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

  "Whats that for?" asked the other two.

  " In case we get hot we can roll down the window."
  

• It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
  
  

  It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.
  
  

• All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.
  
  

  If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
  
  

• It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.
  
  

  Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
  
  

• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
  
  

  It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
  
  

• Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
  
  

  It is considered an offense to shower naked.
  
  

• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
  
  

  Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
  
  

• One day these three rats were standing outside of a food store and one of the rats got an idea.

  He said "OK this is what we're gonna do, we'll run inside, get as much cheese as we can and we'll meet back here."

  So they do it and when they get back the first rat asks the second rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" and he says "American" which makes the rats very pleased as it's one of their favorites.

  Then the second rat asks the first rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" and he replies "Cheddar", which again pleases the rats.

  So then the first two rats ask the third rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" to which he replies "Nacho Cheese"

  "Nacho Cheese" said the other two rats. "There's no such thing as Nacho Cheese".

  And the third rat says "Well, as I was running out of the store I head the shopkeeper shouting, Hey, that's not-cho cheese"

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
  
  

  It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon
  
  

• A guy, short of money asked a man what he could do to earn some.

  The man replied "I'll give you $1000 if you do three tasks."

  You need to knock out a wrestler, pull a loose tooth out of a dingo's mouth and screw an old lady.

  So the guy quickly runs up to the wrestler and punches him out.

  He then leaps into the bushes after the dingo. Several minutes go buy and he is heard rolling around and moaning before finally emerging triumphant.

  He then turns to the man and says "Where's this old lady so I can pull her tooth out and get paid"

• You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June.
  
  

  It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement.
  
  

• It is illegal to gargle in public places.
  
  

  It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
  
  

• Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine. -Sec. 97-35-37
  
  

  Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.
  
  

• One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

  A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires."

  No one replies so the man gives up.

  All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.

  The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.

  The man replies "I want the Sun of a Bitch who pushed me in"