Top Lists Jokes

• You Know You're Too Stressed If...
  
  

  1. You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
     
     
  2. The Sun is too loud.
     
     
  3. Trees begin to chase you.
     
     
  4. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
     
     
  5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
     
     
  6. You can hear mimes.
     
     
  7. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
     
     
  8. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
     
     
  9. Things become "Very Clear."
     
     
  10. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
      
      
  11. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
      
      
  12. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.
      
      
  13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
      
      
  14. You and Reality file for divorce.
      
      
  15. You can skip without a rope.
      
      
  16. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
      
      
  17. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
      
      
  18. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
      
      
  19. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
      
      
  20. You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
      
      
  21. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
      
      
  22. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
      
      
  23. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
      
      




• Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian.
  
  

  1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
     
     
  2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
     
     
  3. No need to worry about tax returns
     
     
  4. Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
     
     
  5. Can wear sunglasses inside
     
     
  6. Political stability
     
     
  7. Flexible working hours
     
     
  8. Live near the Pope
     
     
  9. Country run by Sicilian murderers
     
     

• Signs Your Car Might Be A Lemon
  
  

  1. Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
     
     
  2. Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
     
     
  3. Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
     
     
  4. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
     
     
  5. Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
     
     
  6. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
     
     
  7. Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
     
     
  8. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
     
     
  9. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
     
     
  10. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
      
      
  11. Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
      
      
  12. "Jaws of Life" in trunk.
      
      
  13. The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
      
      
  14. When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
      
      
  15. You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.
      
      
  16. Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
      
      
  17. The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
      
      

• 1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
  
  2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
  
  3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
  
  4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
  
  5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
  
  6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
  
  7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
  
  8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
  
  9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
  
  10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
  
  11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
  
  12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
  
  13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
  
  14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
  
  15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
  
  16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
  
  17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
  
  18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
  
  19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
  
  20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
  
  

• The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought
  
  

  1. "That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."
     
     
  2. "If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
     
     
  3. "The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."
     
     
  4. "Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."
     
     
  5. "Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."
     
     
  6. "Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."
     
     
  7. "Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."
     
     
  8. "That General Protection Fault is not yours."
     
     
  9. "You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"
     
     
  10. "I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"
      
      

• Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
  
  

  1. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
     
     
  2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
     
     
  3. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
     
     
  4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
     
     
  5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.
     
     
     
     
  6. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
     
     
  7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
     
     
  8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
     
     
  9. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.
     
     

• The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
  
  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  
  2. It reduces stress.
  
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  
  9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
  
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  
  15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
  
  

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• Signs Of The 2000's
  
  

  1. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.
     
     
  2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
     
     
  3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
     
     
  4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
     
     
  5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
     
     
  6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
     
     
  7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
     
     
  8. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
     
     
  9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
     
     
  10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
      
      
  11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
      
      
  12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
      
      
  13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
      
      
  14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
      
      
  15. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway.
      
      
  16. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
      
      
  17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
      
      
  18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
      
      
  19. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
      
      
  20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
      
      
  21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
      
      
  22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
      
      
  23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
      
      
  24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
      
      
  25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
      
      
  26. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends.
      
      
  27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
      
      
  28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
      
      
  29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
      
      
  30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
      
      

• Thinnest Books
  
  

  1. The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
     
     
  2. The Amish Phone Directory
     
     
  3. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
     
     
  4. George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
     
     
  5. French Hospitality
     
     
  6. Everything Women Know About Men
     
     
  7. Everything Men Know About Women
     
     
  8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
     
     
  9. Different Ways To Spell Bob
     
     
  10. Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
      
      
  11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
      
      
  12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
      
      
  13. The Wild Years-By Al Gore
      
      
  14. Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
      
      
  15. Human Rights Advances In China
      
      
  16. To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
      
      
  17. The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
      
      
  18. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
      
      
  19. How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.
      
      

• Recalled Christmas Toys
  
  

  1. Broken Bag-O-Glass
     
     
  2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
     
     
  3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
     
     
  4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
     
     
  5. Switchblade Barney
     
     
  6. Pork-n-Beany Babies
     
     
  7. Make your own moonshine kit
     
     
  8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
     
     

• 1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
  
  2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
  
  3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
  
  4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
  
  5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
  
  6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
  
  7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
  
  8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
  
  9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
  
  10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
  
  

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• The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain
  
  

  1. "Isn't there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"
     
     
  2. I'm searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."
     
     
  3. "DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"
     
     
  4. "Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"
     
     
  5. "Thanks idiot...I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"
     
     
  6. "Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"
     
     
  7. "I'm at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."
     
     
  8. "I'm trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"
     
     
  9. "See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that's why I'm stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!"
     
     
  10. "Ummmm...I'm looking for beer money?"
      
      

• Top twenty things to do at a drivethru
  
  

  1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
     
     
  2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
     
     
  3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
     
     
  4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
     
     
  5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
     
     
  6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
     
     
  7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
     
     
  8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
     
     
  9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
     
     
  10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
      
      
  11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
      
      
  12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take yours?"
      
      
  13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
      
      
  14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
      
      
  15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
      
      
  16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
      
      
  17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
      
      
  18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
      
      
  19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
      
      
  20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
      
      

• Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial
  
  

  1. You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
     
     
  2. Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
     
     
  3. Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
     
     
  4. The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
     
     
  5. Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
     
     
  6. Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
     
     
  7. WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
     
     
  8. Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
     
     
  9. Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
     
     
  10. Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
      
      
  11. Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."
      
      
  12. $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
      
      
  13. Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
      
      
  14. The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
      
      
  15. Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
      
      
  16. Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.
      
      

• Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq
  
  

  1. "Husseinfeld"
     
     
  2. "Mad About Everything"
     
     
  3. "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
     
     
  4. "Suddenly Sanctions"
     
     
  5. "Allah McBeal"
     
     
  6. "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
     
     
  7. "Achmed's Creek"
     
     
  8. "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
     
     
  9. "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
     
     
  10. "Just Shoot Me"
      
      

• "Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"
  
  

  1. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
     
     
  2. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
     
     
  3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
     
     
  4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
     
     
  5. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.
     
     
  6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.
     
     
  7. You sleep more at work than at home.
     
     
  8. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
     
     
  9. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
     
     
  10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
      
      

• The Top 10 Superheroes Needed To Fight Cybercrime
  
  

  1. Inspector Gadget
     
     
  2. Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons
     
     
  3. Captain America On Line
     
     
  4. The Wonder Barbi Twins
     
     
  5. The Silver Surfer
     
     
  6. The XXX Men(they handle strictly cyber porn)
     
     
  7. Up in the sky, wearing glasses, a big letter E on his chest and a "Nets"cape, its Bill Gates as GEEKMAN!!!
     
     
  8. DBase Ventura
     
     
  9. Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby with the Mystery Machine( Jinkies, there goes another hacker!!)
     
     
  10. Who else knows the web better than Spiderman???
      
      

• The Top 10 Reasons Disney Delayed Launching Their Cruise Line
  
  

  1. Pluto's "accident" on Deck 3
     
     
  2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
     
     
  3. Exterminator killed off "rat" problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie's cousins.
     
     
  4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
     
     
  5. Charo kept showing up.
     
     
  6. The Beast from "Beauty and the Beast" kept eating the midnight buffet.
     
     
  7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the "You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride" Requirements.
     
     
  8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmations was too strong.
     
     
  9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
     
     
  10. New hires Doc,Isaac,and Gopher quit days before launch,citing that this job is not as "exciting and new" as their last one.
      
      

• The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station
  
  

  1. Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
     
     
  2. Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
     
     
  3. Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!
     
     
     
     
  4. Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.
     
     
  5. When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.
     
     
  6. Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.
     
     
  7. Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
     
     
  8. Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.
     
     
  9. Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
     
     
  10. Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.
      
      

• The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up
  
  

  1. Anything that's moving.
     
     
  2. Green Carrots.
     
     
  3. Moldy Croutons.
     
     
  4. Body parts.
     
     
  5. Blood in the French Dressing.
     
     
  6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
     
     
  7. I've seen the movie...they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
     
     
  8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
     
     
  9. How should I put this...let's just that the sneeze guard didn't do its job and there's something phlegm related in the radishes.
     
     
  10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.
      
      

• Things To Think About Our Government:
  
  

  1. 29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.
     
     
  2. 7 Have been arrested for fraud.
     
     
  3. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.
     
     
  4. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.
     
     
  5. 3 Have been arrested for assault.
     
     
  6. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.
     
     
  7. 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.
     
     
  8. 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,
     
     
  9. 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.
     
     
  10. 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.
      
      

• Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian
  
  

  1. It beats being an American.
     
     
  2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
     
     
  3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
     
     
  4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
     
     
  5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
     
     
  6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
     
     
  7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
     
     
  8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
     
     
  9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
     
     
  10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
      
      

• The Top Bad Excuses For Speeding
  
  

  1. "This is my tryout for Nascar."
     
     
  2. "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
     
     
  3. "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
     
     
  4. "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
     
     
  5. "Cause those Gorditas rule."
     
     
  6. "Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."
     
     
  7. "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
     
     
  8. "Umm..I'm drunk?"
     
     
  9. "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"
     
     

• Doesn't It Annoy You When...
  
  

  1. ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
     
     
  2. ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
     
     
  3. ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
     
     
  4. ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
     
     
  5. ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
     
     
  6. ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
     
     
  7. ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
     
     
  8. ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
     
     
  9. ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
     
     
  10. ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
      
      
  11. ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
      
      
  12. ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
      
      
  13. ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
      
      
  14. ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
      
      
  15. ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
      
      
  16. ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
      
      

• 10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
  
  9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
  
  8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
  
  7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
  
  6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
  
  5. You fall off the floor.
  
  5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
  
  4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
  
  3. Roseanne looks good.
  
  2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
  
  1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
  
  

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• The Top 10 Reasons Not To Stay in West Virginia
  
  

  1. Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.
     
     
  2. You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.
     
     
  3. You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of "South Virginia", and driving off in a fit of laughter.
     
     
  4. You're stuck with AM Radio...AM COUNTRY radio.
     
     
  5. You've grown tired of seeing the group "Glass Tiger" at the local Acorn Festival each year.
     
     
  6. The sheep won't take your "abuse" anymore and they are planning a revolt.
     
     
  7. Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.
     
     
  8. The local theatre's performance of "Les Miserables" left something, no A LOT, to be desired.
     
     
  9. You've had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of "shine".
     
     
  10. No matter how hard you try, your cows don't appear receptive to chasing or catching that Frisbee.
      
      

• Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
  
  

  1. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
     
     
  2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
     
     
  3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
     
     
  4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
     
     
  5. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
     
     
  6. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
     
     
  7. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
     
     

• Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
  
  

  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
     
     
  2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
     
     
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
     
     
  4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
     
     
  5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
     
     
  6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
     
     
  7. Shave.
     
     
  8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
     
     
  9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
     
     
  10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
      
      
  11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
      
      
  12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
      
      
  13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
      
      
  14. One word: Flatulence!
      
      
  15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
      
      
  16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
      
      
  17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
      
      
  18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
      
      
  19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
      
      
  20. Meow occassionally.
      
      
  21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
      
      
  22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
      
      
  23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
      
      
  24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
      
      
  25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
      
      
  26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
      
      
  27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
      
      
  28. Leave a box between the doors.
      
      
  29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
      
      
  30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
      
      
  31. Start a sing-along.
      
      
  32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
      
      
  33. Play the harmonica.
      
      
  34. Shadow box.
      
      
  35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
      
      
  36. Lean against the button panel.
      
      
  37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
      
      
  38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
      
      
  39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
      
      
  40. Bring a chair along.
      
      
  41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
      
      
  42. Blow spit bubbles.
      
      
  43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
      
      
  44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
      
      
  45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
      
      
  46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
      
      
  47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
      
      
  48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
      
      
  49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
      
      

• Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge

  1. "I got your community service right here pal!"
     
     
  2. "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
     
     
  3. "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
     
     
  4. "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
     
     
  5. "No you robe wearing geek."
     
     
  6. "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
     
     
  7. "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"
     
     

• You Are No Longer "Cool" When
  
  

  1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
     
     
  2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
     
     
  3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
     
     
  4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
     
     
  5. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
     
     
  6. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
     
     
  7. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
     
     
  8. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
     
     
  9. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
     
     
  10. When jogging is something you do to your memory.
      
      
  11. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
      
      
  12. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
      
      
  13. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
      
      
  14. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
      
      
  15. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
      
      
  16. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
      
      
  17. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
      
      

• Signs You're from New York
  
  

  1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
     
     
  2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
     
     
  3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
     
     
  4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
     
     
  5. The homeless are invisible.
     
     
  6. The subway makes sense.
     
     
  7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
     
     
  8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
     
     
  9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
     
     
  10. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
      
      
  11. Your door has more than three locks.
      
      
  12. You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
      
      
  13. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
      
      
  14. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
      
      
  15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
      
      
  16. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
      
      
  17. You complain about having to mow it.
      
      
  18. You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
      
      
  19. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
      
      
  20. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
      
      

• Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
  
  

  1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
     
     
  2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
     
     
  3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
     
     
  4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
     
     
  5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
     
     
  6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
     
     
  7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
     
     
  8. There go the lights again?
     
     
  9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
     
     
  10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
      
      
  11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
      
      
  12. What's this doing here?
      
      
  13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
      
      
  14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
      
      
  15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
      
      
  16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
      
      
  17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
      
      
  18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
      
      
  19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
      
      
  20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
      
      
  21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
      
      
  22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
      
      
  23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
      
      

• Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work
  
  

  1. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
     
     
  2. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
     
     
  3. I was working smarter - not harder.
     
     
  4. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
     
     
  5. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
     
     
  6. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
     
     
  7. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
     
     
  8. I'm in the management training program.
     
     
  9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
     
     
  10. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
      
      
  11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
      
      
  12. No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
      
      
  13. The coffee machine is broken....
      
      
  14. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
      
      
  15. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
      
      
  16. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
      
      
  17. I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
      
      
  18. The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
      
      
  19. Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
      
      
  20. I'm just resting my eyes.
      
      

• The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie
  
  

  1. We know where you live.
     
     
  2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
     
     
  3. Everyone's meal today is on you!
     
     
  4. The "special sauce" came from the floor!
     
     
  5. Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
     
     
  6. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
     
     
  7. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
     
     
  8. Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
     
     
  9. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
     
     
  10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe
      
      

• 10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
  
  9. Today is our what?
  
  8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
  
  7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
  
  6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
  
  5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
  
  4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
  
  3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
  
  2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
  
  1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
  
  

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• The Top 10 Signs That Santa Has Been Drinking
  
  

  1. While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.
     
     
  2. You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.
     
     
  3. Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
     
     
  4. You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
     
     
  5. Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
     
     
  6. After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
     
     
  7. This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
     
     
  8. He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.
     
     
  9. Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"
     
     

• You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
  
  

  1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
     
     
  2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
     
     
  3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
     
     
  4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
     
     
  5. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
     
     
  6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
     
     
  7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
     
     
  8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
     
     
  9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
     
     
  10. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
      
      
  11. Your dog has its own home page.
      
      
  12. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
      
      
  13. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
      
      
  14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
      
      
  15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
      
      
  16. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
      
      
  17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
      
      
  18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
      
      
  19. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
      
      
  20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
      
      
  21. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
      
      
  22. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
      
      
  23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
      
      
  24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
      
      
  25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
      
      
  26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
      
      
  27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
      
      

• 10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
  
  9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
  
  8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
  
  7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
  
  6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
  
  5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
  
  4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
  
  3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
  
  2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
  
  1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
  
  

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• Ten Things A Cat Thinks About
  
  

  1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
     
     
  2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
     
     
  3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
     
     
  4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
     
     
  5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
     
     
  6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
     
     
  7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
     
     
     
     
  8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
     
     
  9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
     
     
  10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
      
      

• The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry
  
  

  1. You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
     
     
  2. You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.
     
     
  3. Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
     
     
  4. Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
     
     
  5. The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
     
     
  6. The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
     
     
  7. Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
     
     
  8. The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.
     
     
  9. Your red T-shirt is now green.
     
     
  10. The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.
      
      

• Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
  
  

  1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
     
     
  2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
     
     
  3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
     
     
  4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
     
     
  5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
     
     
  6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
     
     
  7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
     
     
  8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
     
     
  9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
     
     
  10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
      
      

• Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
  
  

  1. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
     
     
  2. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
     
     
  3. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
     
     
  4. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
     
     
  5. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
     
     
  6. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
     
     
  7. If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
     
     
  8. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
     
     

• The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline
  
  

  1. No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.
     
     
  2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
     
     
  3. How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
     
     
  4. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
     
     
  5. Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
     
     
  6. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.
     
     
  7. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had cannot count as a business expense.
     
     
  8. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
     
     
  9. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.
     
     
  10. Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!
      
      

• The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home
  
  

  1. Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
     
     
  2. Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
     
     
  3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
     
     
  4. Its named Matlock Manor.
     
     
  5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
     
     
  6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
     
     
  7. You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
     
     
  8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.
     
     
  9. Two words: Community Bedpan.
     
     

• The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline
  
  

  1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
     
     
  2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
     
     
  3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
     
     
  4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
     
     
  5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
     
     
  6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
     
     
  7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
     
     
  8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
     
     
  9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
     
     
  10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!
      
      

• You Know You're In California When...
  
  

  1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
     
     
  2. You were born somewhere else.
     
     
  3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
     
     
  4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
     
     
  5. Your car has bulletproof windows.
     
     
  6. Left is right and right is wrong.
     
     
  7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
     
     
  8. Your mouse has only one ball.
     
     
  9. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
     
     
  10. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
      
      
  11. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
      
      
  12. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
      
      
  13. Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
      
      
  14. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
      
      
  15. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
      
      
  16. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
      
      
  17. More than clothes come out of the closets.
      
      
  18. When 'the Dead' are best live.
      
      
  19. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
      
      
  20. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
      
      
  21. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
      
      
  22. Smoking in your office is not optional.
      
      
  23. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
      
      
  24. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
      
      
  25. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
      
      
  26. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
      
      
  27. You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
      
      
  28. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
      
      
  29. When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
      
      
  30. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
      
      
  31. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
      
      

• The AOL Car
  
  

  1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
     
     
  2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
     
     
  3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
     
     
  4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
     
     
  5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
     
     
  6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
     
     
  7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
     
     
  8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
     
     
  9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
     
     
  10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
      
      
  11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
      
      
  12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
      
      
  13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
      
      
  14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
      
      
  15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
      
      
  16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
      
      
  17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
      
      
  18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
      
      
  19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
      
      
  20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
      
      
  21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
      
      

• You Might Be A Bad Customer If:
  
  

  1. You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
     
     
  2. You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
     
     
  3. You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
     
     
  4. You return the coffee because it's too hot.
     
     
  5. You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
     
     
  6. You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
     
     
  7. You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.
     
     
  8. If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20
     
     
  9. You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
     
     
  10. You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
      
      
  11. You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
      
      
  12. While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
      
      
  13. You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
      
      
  14. You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
      
      
  15. You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)
      
      

• The Top Recently Rejected Saturday Morning Cartoons
  
  

  1. "Billy, the Homicidal Smurf."
     
     
  2. "Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home."
     
     
  3. "Archie, the Abcessed Tooth."
     
     
  4. "Yosemite Sam...UNCENSORED!"
     
     
  5. "The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers."
     
     
  6. "Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood."
     
     
  7. "The Land of The Lost...The Barney Years."
     
     
  8. "COPS" in full color animation!
     
     

• The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party
  
  

  1. Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
     
     
  2. Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
     
     
  3. Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
     
     
  4. Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
     
     
  5. Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
     
     
  6. Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.
     
     

• You Are Maliciously Internet Addicted When:
  
  

  1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
     
     
  2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
     
     
  3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
     
     
  4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
     
     
  5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
     
     
  6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.
     
     
  7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
     
     
  8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...
     
     
  9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
     
     
  10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
      
      
  11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
      
      
  12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
      
      
  13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
      
      
  14. When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
      
      
  15. Your pet has its own home page.
      
      
  16. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
      
      
  17. You can't call your grandmother..... she doesn't have a modem.
      
      
  18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
      
      
  19. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
      
      
  20. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
      
      
  21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
      
      
  22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
      
      
  23. You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
      
      
  24. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
      
      
  25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
      
      
  26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
      
      
  27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
      
      
  28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
      
      
  29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
      
      
  30. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
      
      
  31. Your friends no longer send you e-mail.... they just log on to your IRC channel.
      
      
  32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
      
      
  33. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
      
      
  34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
      
      
  35. You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."
      
      
  36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
      
      
  37. You forget what year it is.
      
      
  38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
      
      
  39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
      
      
  40. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
      
      
  41. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited".
      
      
  42. You turn on your computer and... turn off your significant other.
      
      
  43. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
      
      

• You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .
  
  

  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
     
     
  2. You ski uphill.
     
     
  3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
     
     
  4. You speed walk in your sleep.
     
     
  5. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
     
     
  6. You answer the door before people knock.
     
     
  7. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
     
     
  8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
     
     
  9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
     
     
  10. You sleep with your eyes open.
      
      
  11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
      
      
  12. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
      
      
  13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
      
      
  14. You lick your coffeepot clean.
      
      
  15. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
      
      
  16. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
      
      
  17. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
      
      
  18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
      
      
  19. You chew on other people's fingernails.
      
      
  20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
      
      
  21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
      
      
  22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
      
      
  23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
      
      
  24. You can jump-start your car without cables.
      
      
  25. Cocaine is a downer.
      
      
  26. All your kids are named "Joe."
      
      
  27. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
      
      
  28. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
      
      
  29. You don't sweat, you percolate.
      
      
  30. You buy milk by the barrel.
      
      
  31. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
      
      
  32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
      
      
  33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
      
      
  34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
      
      
  35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
      
      
  36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
      
      
  37. People get dizzy just watching you.
      
      
  38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
      
      
  39. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
      
      
  40. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
      
      
  41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
      
      
  42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
      
      
  43. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
      
      
  44. People can test their batteries in your ears.
      
      
  45. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
      
      
  46. Instant coffee takes too long.
      
      
  47. You channel surf faster without a remote.
      
      
  48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
      
      
  49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
      
      
  50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
      
      
  51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
      
      
  52. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
      
      
  53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
      
      
  54. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
      
      
  55. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
      
      
  56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
      
      
  57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
      
      
  58. Your Thermos is on wheels.
      
      
  59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
      
      
  60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
      
      
  61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
      
      
  62. You short out motion detectors.
      
      
  63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
      
      
  64. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
      
      
  65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
      
      
  66. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
      
      
  67. You don't tan, you roast.
      
      
  68. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
      
      
  69. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
      
      
  70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
      
      
  71. You can't even remember your second cup.
      
      
  72. You help your dog chase its tail.
      
      
  73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
      
      
  74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
      
      
  75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
      
      
  76. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
      
      
  77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
      
      

• The Top 10 Floor Plans for the Planet Hollywood Movie Hotel
  
  

  1. "Scream" suite which becomes vacant quickly.
     
     
  2. Hotel pool never gets used due to menacing music and one lone fin circling at all times.
     
     
  3. Marv Albert has reservations for "The Crying Game" floor.
     
     
  4. More suicide jump precautions on the Pauly Shore floor than anywhere else.
     
     
  5. No one takes a shower on the "Psycho" floor
     
     
  6. Pee-Wee Herman as a tour guide...YIKES
     
     
  7. No buttons on the elevator to the Star Wars floor...just use the Force.
     
     
  8. Room service involves Shannon Tweed and George Clooney.
     
     
  9. Wake up call on Stallone floor is "Yo, Adrian!"
     
     
  10. "Showgirls" floor booked until 2010..by Congress.
      
      

• You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
  
  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  
  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
  
  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  
  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
  
  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
  
  6. Bring cheerleaders.
  
  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
  
  8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
  
  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
  
  10. Bring pets.
  
  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
  
  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
  
  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  
  14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  
  15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
  
  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  
  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  
  18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  
  19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  
  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
  
  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
  
  22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
  
  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
  
  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
  
  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
  
  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
  
  27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  
  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  
  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
  
  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  
  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
  
  32. Bring a water pistol with you.
  
  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
  
  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  
  35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
  
  36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  
  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  
  38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
  
  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
  
  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
  
  41. One word: Wrestlemania.
  
  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  
  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  
  44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  
  45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
  
  46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  
  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  
  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  
  49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  
  50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
  
  

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  Visit the previous joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the top ten lists page
  
  

• 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
  
  9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
  
  8. The six front keys have rotted out.
  
  7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
  
  6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
  
  5. The password is "Huntin".
  
  4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
  
  3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
  
  2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
  
  1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
  
  

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• The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye
  
  

  1. Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
     
     
  2. He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
     
     
  3. His best disguise is wearing a hat.
     
     
  4. Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
     
     
  5. Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
     
     
  6. Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
     
     
  7. Well, he's blind.
     
     

• The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School
  
  

  1. To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
     
     
  2. To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald's manager uses daily.
     
     
  3. No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
     
     
  4. After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
     
     
  5. So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.
     
     
  6. Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
     
     
  7. Easier to run escort service out of home when they're not around.
     
     
  8. To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!
     
     
  9. To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).
     
     

• The Top Signs You're Out of Shape
  
  

  1. You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
     
     
  2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
     
     
  3. You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
     
     
  4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
     
     
  5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
     
     
  6. You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
     
     
  7. You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
     
     
  8. Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
     
     
  9. The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
     
     

• Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
  
  

  1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
     
     
  2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
     
     
  3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
     
     
  4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
     
     
  5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
     
     
  6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
     
     
  7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
     
     
  8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
     
     
  9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
     
     
  10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
      
      
  11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
      
      
  12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
      
      
  13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
      
      
  14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
      
      
  15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
      
      
  16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
      
      
  17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
      
      
  18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
      
      
  19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
      
      
  20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
      
      
  21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
      
      

• Gas Prices vs ?
  
  People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .
  
  

  1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
     
     
  2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
     
     
  3. - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
     
     
  4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
     
     
  5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
     
     
  6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
     
     
  7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
     
     
  8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
     
     
  9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
     
     
  10. - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
      
      
  11. - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
      
      

  So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!
  
  

• 10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
  
  9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
  
  8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
  
  7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
  
  6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
  
  5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
  
  4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
  
  3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
  
  2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
  
  1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
  
  

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• Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:
  
  

  1. Chicken McBobbitts
     
     
  2. Salmon McNella
     
     
  3. Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
     
     
  4. Shirley McLean Burger
     
     
  5. McMenudo
     
     
  6. Filet o' Gefilte Fish
     
     
  7. Way Too Happy Meal
     
     
  8. Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
     
     
  9. Them Ain't Nuggets!
     
     
  10. McKitty Sandwich
      
      
  11. Boutrous Boutrous Burger
      
      
      
      
  12. Rocky Mountain McOysters
      
      
  13. McSpleen
      
      
  14. The Depressed Meal
      
      
  15. Filet O' Flesh
      
      
  16. McShrooms
      
      
  17. Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
      
      
  18. McTonya Club Sandwich
      
      
  19. Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
      
      

• Signs You're Really Broke
  
  

  1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
     
     
  2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
     
     
  3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
     
     
  4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
     
     
  5. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
     
     
  6. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
     
     
  7. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
     
     
  8. You receive care packages from Europe.
     
     
  9. Your bologna has no first name.
     
     
  10. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
      
      
  11. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
      
      
  12. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
      
      
  13. You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
      
      
  14. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
      
      
  15. Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
      
      
  16. The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
      
      

• Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
  
  As Hostage Taker:
  
  

  1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
     
     
  2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
     
     
  3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
     
     
  4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
     
     
  5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
     
     
  6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
     
     
  7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
     
     
  8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
     
     
  9. Forget your gun at home.
     
     
  10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
      
      
  11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
      
      

  As Negotiator:
  
  

  1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
     
     
  2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
     
     
  3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
     
     
  4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.
     
     
  5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
     
     
  6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
     
     
  7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
     
     
  8. Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
     
     
  9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
     
     
  10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."
      
      

• Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:
  
  

  1. Here honey, you use the remote.
     
     
  2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
     
     
  3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
     
     
  4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
     
     
  5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
     
     
  6. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
     
     
  7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
     
     
  8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
     
     
  9. We never talk anymore
     
     

• How Cold Is Cold?
  
  60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
  
  50 Miami residents turn on the heat
  
  40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
  
  35 Italian cars don't start
  
  32 Water freezes
  
  30 You plan your vacation to Australia
  
  25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
  
  20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
  
  15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
  
  10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
  
  5 American cars don't start
  
  0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
  
  -10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
  
  -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
  
  -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
  
  -25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
  
  -30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
  
  -40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
  
  -50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
  
  -80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
  
  -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
  
  

• The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy
  
  

  1. Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
     
     
  2. His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"
     
     
  3. Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
     
     
  4. Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
     
     
  5. He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
     
     
  6. Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
     
     
  7. When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
     
     
  8. Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
     
     
  9. Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
     
     
  10. Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.
      
      

• The Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job
  
  

  1. You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".
     
     
  2. You have visited every website in the world.
     
     
  3. You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
     
     
  4. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
     
     
  5. You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
     
     
  6. Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
     
     
  7. You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
     
     
  8. Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
     
     
  9. In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.
     
     

• If AOL Were A City...
  
  

  1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
     
     
  2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
     
     
  3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
     
     
  4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
     
     
  5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
     
     
  6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
     
     
  7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
     
     
  8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
     
     
  9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
     
     
  10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
      
      
  11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
      
      
  12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
      
      

• The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question
  
  

  1. "That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."
     
     
  2. "I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."
     
     
  3. "Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."
     
     
  4. "Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!"
     
     
  5. "Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."
     
     
  6. "Like the girl I was with yesterday."
     
     
  7. "Like someone in dire need for some liposuction."
     
     
  8. "Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend."
     
     
  9. "How can I put this...MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
     
     

• Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
  
  

  1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
     
     
  2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
     
     
  3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
     
     
  4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
     
     
  5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
     
     
  6. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
     
     
  7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
     
     
  8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
     
     
  9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
     
     
  10. No toes.
      
      

• Things Adults Learn From Kids:
  
  

  1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
     
     
  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
     
     
  3. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
     
     
  4. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
     
     
  5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
     
     
  6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
     
     
  7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
     
     
  8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
     
     
  9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
     
     
  10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
      
      
  11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
      
      
  12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
      
      
  13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
      
      
  14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
      
      
  15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
      
      
  16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
      
      
  17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
      
      
  18. Duplos will not.
      
      
  19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
      
      
  20. Super glue is forever.
      
      
  21. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
      
      
  22. Ditto Tarzan.
      
      
  23. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
      
      
  24. Pool filters do not like Jello.
      
      
  25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
      
      
  26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
      
      
  27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
      
      
  28. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
      
      
  29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
      
      
  30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
      
      
  31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
      
      
  32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
      
      
  33. It will however make cats dizzy.
      
      
  34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
      
      
  35. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
      
      
  36. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
      
      

• 10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
  
  9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
  
  8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
  
  7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
  
  6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
  
  5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
  
  4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
  
  3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
  
  2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
  
  1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
  
  

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• Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth
  
  

  1. For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.
     
     
  2. Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.
     
     
  3. The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.
     
     
  4. We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.
     
     
  5. Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.
     
     
  6. Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't survive.
     
     
  7. There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.
     
     

• Top reasons why it's great to be French
  
  

  1. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
     
     
  2. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
     
     
  3. If there's a war you can surrender really early
     
     
  4. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
     
     
  5. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
     
     
  6. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
     
     
  7. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
     
     
  8. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
     
     

• The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher
  
  

  1. Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
     
     
  2. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.
     
     
  3. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.
     
     
  4. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.
     
     
  5. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States.
     
     
  6. Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.
     
     
  7. Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.
     
     
  8. Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.
     
     
  9. Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.
     
     
  10. Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.
      
      

• The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
  
  

  1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
     
     
  2. Teeth removing Taffy
     
     
  3. Metamucil in a straw
     
     
  4. Ex-Lax Brownies
     
     
  5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
     
     
  6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
     
     
  7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
     
     
  8. Chocolate Covered Prunes
     
     
  9. A Handful of Red Man
     
     
  10. Anything that ticks!
      
      

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• 1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
  
  2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
  
  3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
  
  4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
  
  5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
  
  6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
  
  7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
  
  8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
  
  9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
  
  10. Elevator surfing!
  
  

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• Why Dogs Don't Use Computers
  
  

  1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
     
     
  2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
     
     
  3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
     
     
  4. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
     
     
  5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
     
     
  6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
     
     
  7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
     
     
  8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
     
     
  9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
     
     
  10. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
      
      
  11. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
      
      
  12. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
      
      
  13. Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
      
      
  14. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
      
      
  15. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
      
      
  16. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
      
      
  17. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
      
      
  18. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
      
      
  19. Too Hard To Type With Paws.
      
      

• Top ten reasosn why it's great to be American
  
  

  1. You can have a woman president without electing her
     
     
  2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
     
     
  3. You can call Budweiser beer
     
     
  4. You can be a crook and still be president
     
     
  5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
     
     
  6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
     
     
  7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
     
     
  8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
     
     
  9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
     
     
  10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
      
      
  11. You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
      
      

• This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.
  
  1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
  
  2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
  
  3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
  
  4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
  
  5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
  
  6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
  
  7. I will get rid of those cats.
  
  8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
  
  9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
  
  10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
  
  11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
  
  12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
  
  13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
  
  14. I will allow my master on the couch.
  
  15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
  
  16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
  
  17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
  
  18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
  
  19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
  
  20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
  
  21. I will not cut my master's nails.
  
  22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
  
  23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
  
  24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
  
  25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
  
  26. I will not bring home any more cats.
  
  
  
  27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
  
  28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
  
  29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
  
  30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
  
  31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
  
  32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
  
  33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
  
  34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
  
  35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
  
  36. Dog bladders are not large.
  
  37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
  
  38. I will not run out of treats.
  
  39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
  
  40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
  
  41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
  
  42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
  
  43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
  
  44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
  
  45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
  
  46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
  
  47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
  
  48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
  
  49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
  
  50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
  
  51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
  
  52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
  
  53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
  
  54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
  
  55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
  
  

• Useless Inventions
  
  

  1. Non stick Cellotape
     
     
  2. Solar Powered Flash Light
     
     
  3. A black highlighter pen
     
     
  4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
     
     
  5. Inflatable Anchor
     
     
  6. Smooth Sandpaper
     
     
  7. Waterproof sponge
     
     
  8. Waterproof Teabags
     
     
  9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
     
     
  10. Fireproof Matches
      
      
  11. Fireproof Cigarettes
      
      
  12. Battery powered Battery Charger
      
      
  13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
      
      
  14. Hand powered Chainsaw
      
      
  15. Inflatable Dartboard
      
      
  16. Silent Alarm Clock
      
      
  17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
      
      
  18. Braille Drivers Manual
      
      
  19. Double sided playing cards
      
      
  20. Ejector seats for Helicopters
      
      

• Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines
  
  

  1. ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
     
     
  2. ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.
     
     
  3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
     
     
  4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
     
     
  5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
     
     
  6. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
     
     
  7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
     
     
  8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
     
     
  9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
     
     
  10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
      
      
  11. You think it's so easy, get your own plane!
      
      
  12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
      
      
  13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
      
      
  14. ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.
      
      
  15. ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
      
      
  16. Bring a bathing suit.
      
      
  17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
      
      
  18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
      
      
  19. Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.
      
      
  20. ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.
      
      

• 1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
  
  2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
  
  3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
  
  4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  
  5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  
  6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
  
  7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
  
  8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
  
  9. Super glue is forever.
  
  10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
  
  11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  
  12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  
  13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  
  14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  
  15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
  
  16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
  
  17. It will however make cats dizzy.
  
  18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  
  

• 10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
  
  9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
  
  8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
  
  7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
  
  6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
  
  5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
  
  4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
  
  3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
  
  2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
  
  1. Two words: catapulting teacups.
  
  

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• Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV
  
  

  1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
     
     
  2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
     
     
  3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
     
     
  4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
     
     
  5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
     
     
  6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
     
     
  7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
     
     
  8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
     
     
  9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
     
     
  10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
      
      
  11. People of TV never finish their drinks.
      
      
  12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
      
      
  13. The chief of police is always black.
      
      
  14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
      
      
  15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
      
      
  16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
      
      
  17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
      
      
  18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
      
      
  19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
      
      
  20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
      
      
  21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
      
      
  22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
      
      
  23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
      
      
  24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
      
      
  25. All single women have a cat.
      
      
  26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
      
      
  27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
      
      
  28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
      
      
  29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
      
      
  30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
      
      
  31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
      
      
  32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
      
      
  33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
      
      
  34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
      
      
  35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
      
      
  36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
      
      
  37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
      
      
  38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
      
      
  39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
      
      
  40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
      
      
  41. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
      
      
  42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
      
      
  43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
      
      
  44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
      
      
  45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
      
      
  46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
      
      
  47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
      
      
  48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
      
      
  49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
      
      
  50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
      
      

• The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash
  
  

  1. "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
     
     
  2. "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
     
     
  3. "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
     
     
  4. "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
     
     
  5. There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
     
     
  6. "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
     
     
  7. "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"
     
     
  8. "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
     
     
  9. "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
     
     
  10. "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."
      
      

• Signs You Took Y2K Too Serious
  
  

  1. You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.
     
     
  2. You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.
     
     
  3. You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!
     
     
  4. You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
     
     
  5. You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.
     
     
  6. You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.
     
     
  7. You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.
     
     
  8. You were depressed because nothing happened !!
     
     

• From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
  
  10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
  
  9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
  
  8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
  
  7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
  
  6. One word: polkas.
  
  5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
  
  4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
  
  3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
  
  2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
  
  1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
  
  

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• Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
  
  

  1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.
     
     
  2. A few clowns short of a circus.
     
     
  3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
     
     
  4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
     
     
  5. A few beers short of a six-pack.
     
     
  6. A few peas short of a casserole.
     
     
  7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
     
     
  8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
     
     
  9. One taco short of a combination plate.
     
     
  10. A few feathers short of a whole duck
      
      
  11. All foam, no beer.
      
      
  12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
      
      
  13. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.
      
      
  14. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
      
      
  15. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
      
      
  16. As smart as bait.
      
      
  17. Chimney's clogged.
      
      
  18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
      
      
  19. Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.
      
      
  20. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
      
      
  21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
      
      
  22. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
      
      
  23. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
      
      
  24. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
      
      
  25. Has the intelligence of a Carrot.
      
      

• 10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
  
  9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
  
  8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
  
  7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
  
  6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
  
  5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
  
  4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
  
  3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
  
  2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
  
  1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
  
  

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• You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
  
  

  1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
     
     
  2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
     
     
  3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
     
     
  4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
     
     
  5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
     
     
  6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
     
     
  7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
     
     
  8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
     
     
  9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
     
     
  10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
      
      
  11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
      
      
  12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
      
      
  13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
      
      
  14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
      
      
  15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
      
      
  16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
      
      
  17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
      
      
  18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
      
      
  19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
      
      
  20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
      
      
  21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
      
      
  22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
      
      
  23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
      
      
  24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
      
      
  25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
      
      

• Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral
  
  

  1. Geez, what died in here?
     
     
  2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
     
     
  3. Nice service...where's the keg?
     
     
  4. When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
     
     
  5. Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
     
     
  6. Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
     
     
  7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
     
     
  8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
     
     

• The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over
  
  

  1. All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
     
     
  2. Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
     
     
  3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
     
     
  4. You get a Dear John E-mai...Your name is Fred.
     
     
  5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
     
     
  6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
     
     
  7. She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
     
     
  8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!
     
     

• 30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others
  
  

  1. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
     
     
  2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
     
     
  3. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
     
     
  4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
     
     
  5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
     
     
  6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
     
     
  7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
     
     
  8. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
     
     
  9. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
     
     
  10. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
      
      
  11. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
      
      
  12. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
      
      
  13. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
      
      
  14. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
      
      
  15. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
      
      
  16. Honk and wave to strangers.
      
      
  17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
      
      
  18. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
      
      
  19. type only in lowercase.
      
      
  20. dont use any punctuation either
      
      
  21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
      
      
  22. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
      
      
  23. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
      
      
  24. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
      
      
  25. Ask people what gender they are.
      
      
  26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
      
      
  27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
      
      
  28. Sing along at the opera.