There was once a teenage girl who wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, but she would sneek them into the house anyway.
One night she had over a boy, when her father began knocking on the door. She knew she couldn't have boys over so she locked him in the first of her three closets. (The one with all of her dirty shirts and pants)
About a week later she had another boy over and she herd a knock on the door. As she knew she couldn't have boys over she locked him in her second closet. (With all of her dirty underware)
Another week later she had another boy over and she herd a knock on the door. She knew that she couldent have boys over so she locked him in her last closet. (The one with her trash can of used tampons)
A few weeks later she was cleaning her room and remembered the boys in the closets:
-She checked the first one and the boy had starved to death.
-She checked the second one and again he had starved to death.
-She checked the 3rd one and the boy was still there. Curious, she asked how he managed to stay alive. "Thankfully, you left plenty of jelly donuts in your trash can for me to eat" he replied.Written By Aaliyah Purce
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
"Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
"Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
"47, " came the reply.
"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
This joke was submitted by:
LuisLittle Johny GoDeeper entered his 2nd grade glass room and was confronted with the hottest woman he had ever seen.
After the rest of the class came in, she introduced herself as Miss Lily, and she was going to be subsituting that day.
After school he stayed behind to talk to her.
"Miss Lily, will you take off you're clothes?" he asked
"No." she replied.
"If you don't I'll tell my sister, my sister will tell my brother, my brother will tell my mom, my mom will tell my dad and he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."
"Alright."
Miss Lily took off her clothes.
"Miss Lily, will you lay on the desk?" asked Johny.
"No."
"If you dont I'll tell my sister, she'll tell my brother, he'll tell my mom, she'll tell my dad, he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."
"Ok."
She layed on the desk.
"Miss Lily, can I have sex with you?" he asked.
"No."
"If you dont let me I'll tell my sister, she'll tell my brother, he'll tell my mom, she'll tell my dad, he'll tell the principal and you'll get fired."
"Ok."
So Little Johny started to have sex with her. Then the principal walked in.
"JOHNY GODEEPER!!" he screamed.
Then his dad walked in.
"JOHNY GODEEPER!!" he yelled.
Then his mom walked in.
"Johny GoDeeper!!" she yelled.
Then his brother walked in.
"Johny GoDeeper, duuude!" he said amazed.
Then his sister walked in.
"Johny GoDepper." she said disgusted.
"I can't. I'm stuck." said Little Johny GoDeeper.
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
This joke was submitted by:
Brandon GrovesA hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.
Do you have a piece of gum?
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
One day a mouse comes across an elephant in a hole. "help my please" says the elephant.
No way, says the mouse. I remember you, you smashed my uncle when you stepped on him.
Please cried the elephant I'll do anything.
Let me have my way with you says the mouse.
Reluctantly the elephant agrees.
The mouse gets him out of the hole and starts having his way with the elephant.
Some monkeys are watching from the trees and start to throw coconuts at the elephant.
One hits the elephant in the head. Ow, that hurts cried the elephant. And the mouse says yeah, take it all bitch.
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
Old Saint Nick, with his big red sack slid down the chimney - and there sat a curvy blonde, wearing a negligee.
"Santa," she breathed, "won't you stay a while?"
"Can't ," he replied, "I have too many presents to deliver. After all it is Christmas eve."
She slipped off the negligee, revealing a lacy bra & panties.
"Oh DO stay a while Santa," she purred.
"I really CAN'T" he replied."I have a whole load of presents for the children."
She slid sexily out of her bra & panties and lay on the bed.
"Please.... please stay," she said in a low husky voice.
"I'll HAVE to stay now," he replied. "I'll never get back up the chimney."A women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
This joke was submitted by:
Mario VegaOne day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"
The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."
Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."
Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.
He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.
Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."
Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"
This joke was submitted by:
TurtleA young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel."Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.
The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.
Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.
After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"
This is the tail of Daniel Morgan,
Who had a tiny sexual organ,
It was just one inch when fully reared,
When lying down it disappeared.
It was just by chance they called him Danny,
Half an inch less they?d have called him fanny,
It gave his girlfriends such a shock,
When they put their hands on his tiny cock,One day Dan read in the daily mail that things called falsies were on sale,
For women who had tiny breasts they wore these things inside their vests,
Now Dan said ?I'm no fool, why can?t I make a big false tool?
So he worked all night to make a shopper,
And he ended up with a great big whopper,
It was twelve inches long and made of plastic,
And would stretch any girls fanny, like elastic,
It really was a lovely job and on the end was a big red knob,
He tied it up with lots of twine and it really did look rather fine,
Lying there beneath his pants,
It looked just like an elephants.No other guy stood a chance when Dan attended the local dance,
For when the girls danced with our Danny,
His tool kept tickling round their fanny.
The girls began to faint and swoon as Danny waltzed them round the room,
But what a shock they had in stall,
For one night dancing round the hall,
Danny stopped and loudly cursed,
He?d felt the string and strapping burst.
Before he?d reached the nearest seat, his tool was dangling at his feet,A girl named Silvia made Dan sick for she gave his tool a spiteful kick,
Poor Danny?s screams ran round the hall,
For the string was tied round one of his balls.
Of course by now the band was crackers,
While in the gents Dan bathed his knackers.So if you?re like poor Daniel Morgan,
And have a tiny sexual organ,
Remember though it?s only wee,
It?s always good enough, just to Pee!!
This joke was submitted by:
AndyJohnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else?One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I?ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.Johnny said, "I?ll be fast. I?ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I?ll be finished by the time you pick it up. "She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend? So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won?t even be able to get his pants down."So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.She responded, "The bastard used coins!"The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"
This joke was submitted by:
Satans CaretakerThere once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".
"How did you know?" the boy asked.
Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".
A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.
The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".
The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".
The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"
Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.
One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".
So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.
After a week they met in a bar.
"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".
"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.
The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."
A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?"
"Trust me son, you will know.
After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.
"Well son,how did it go?""Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."
"But how could you tell he was gay?"
"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"
It was the first day of a new school year.
Three boys arrive at class late and the teacher asks the first boy "Why are you tardy," the boy replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill" the teacher said "Take your seat."
She asks the next boy why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied.
Then she asked the third boy, but he replied with the same answer.
As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in.
"Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Bluberry Hill aslo"
"NO.... I am Blueberry Hill" replied the girl.
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.
He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."
He says "That doesn't matter."
So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.
A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.
So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.
The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.
The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"
Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.
He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 duaghters."
The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig."
The second man said ,"I slept like a cow."
The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"
An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."
"I know these things," replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."
"How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.
"I know these things."
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."
"How'd you know that!?"
"Ear wet."
One day a young boy named Jerry came home from school to find his mother and her new boyfriend having sex on the kitchen table.
Jerry yelled "Hey mum what are you doing?".
The mother said "OH! .. umm Baking cakes hunny!".
Jerry said "OK" and went upstairs to do his homework.
The next morning he came running into her bedroom and said "hey mum you and your friend were baking cakes again weren't you?"
His mother looked surprised and said "How did you know?", and Jerry answered "Because I just licked the icing off the table".
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."
The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.
He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.
Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"
"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?
The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"
A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"
The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."
The bus driver says, "I'm not married"
The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".
Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.
When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."
The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"
This joke was submitted by:
Johnny NielsonA professer gave his class an assignment, and the only reason for not finishing it would be if you were sick or a close relative died.
So this guy raised his hand and said " What about sexual exhaustion?"
The whole class burst out laughing.
After the laughter died down the professer replied " Maybe you should consider using the other hand!!!!!"
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give headUnpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't peeIt's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his flyBut it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it throughLick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to runJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roarAnd when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throatSalty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enoughLet's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.10. Come on, who's gonna find out?
9. I promise you wont choke.
8. Can I get you in the pooper?
7. Trust me, I'm a professional.
6. Well, your sister likes it like that.
5. Wow look at the ass on her!
4. Now why cant your boobs be that big?
3. I gotta poop.
2. Oh you forgot to shave today too?
1. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
Submitted by Missy XoxoOne day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.
They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.
John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.
Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."
Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"
John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.
Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.
Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"
John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.
He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."
Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"
Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."
And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"
The shark then bites off Johns other arm.
Now John has no arms or legs.
His brother finally arrives to save him.
Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.
When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fucked"
And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
This joke was submitted by:
Mariaum/MiraThere was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.
He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"
She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs."
So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life
On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars'
"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"
So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."
It was the night before christmas,
When all through the house,
Not a creature was stiring,
Not even a mouse,
With mom at the whore house,
And dad smoking grass,
I just settled down,
For a nice peace of ass,
When out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung to my feet,
To see whats the matter,
When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
I knew for a moment,
It must be saint nick,
He came down the chimney,
Like a bat out of hell,
I knew for a moment the fat fucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings,
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick,
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney eith a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew my chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he wrode out of sight,
And said piss on you all,
And have a hell of a good night.
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!
This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.
"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"
She didn't answer.
"Well, my name is Barry"
"Okay" she said "Barry what?"
"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"
So he wrote it down.
She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."
She slapped him and stormed off.
This joke was submitted by:
EskimoMoneys short times are hard heres a fucking chritstmas card
It was the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
Moms at the whore house Dads smokin' grass I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I went outside to see whats the matter
Out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew at that moment it must be saint nick.
He came out the chiminey like a bat out of hell I knew at that moment that fucker had fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He went up the chiminy with just one fart, I knew right then he blew my chiminy apart.
He rode off out of sight saying fuck u all and have a good night!
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
Kissing's a pleasure
Fucking's a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
He says he loves you, and you believe it's true
Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.
10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months and pain
3 days in hospital, a child without a name
The baby's a bastard
The mother's a whore
This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore
After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"
A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
This joke was submitted by:
Jack TizzardA little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or FalseOne night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!
This joke was submitted by:
Moe HopkinsThese three guys were stranded on this island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound guy came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo."
The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. I choose bongo."
The big guy takes him aside and they start banging it right there.
The second guy sees this and doesn't think it looks so bad so he also chooses bongo. Then two 550 pound guys come out of the bushes and they get it on right there.
The third guy is disgusted by this, so he chooses death. After saying this, fourteen 550 pound guys come out of the bushes screaming "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
A guy walks into a pharmacy.
He says to the pharmacist, "I've heard a lot about that viagra stuff. Does it really work."
The pharmacist says, "Yeah, it works great."
The guy asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
Pharmacist says, "Well, if you took enough I suppose you could."
This joke was submitted by:
YohansenMoneys short
times are hard
heres a fucking chritstmas cardIt was the night before christmas
and all through the house
everybody felt shitty
even the mouseMoms at the whore house
dads smokin grass
I just settled down for a nice piece of assWhen out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I went outside to see whats the matterOut on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew at that moment it must be Saint NickHe came out the chiminey like a bat out of hell
I knew at that moment that fucker had fellHe filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queerHe went up the chiminy with just one fart
I knew right then he blew my fucking chiminy apartHe rode off out of sight saying fuck you all
and have a good nightThere once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.
They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.
One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"
They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .
They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .
The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.
She took him into her barn and said to get started.
He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.
Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.
Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .
The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give headUnpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't peeIt's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his flyBut it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it throughLick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to runJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roarAnd when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throatSalty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enoughLet's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
A guy is in the bathroom taking a piss when this huge man walks in and starts pissing in the urinal next to him.
The guy just happens to look over and see the other guys dick is huge.
Then he walks over and says, "Hey man i'm not gay or anything but what is your name? Because you have the biggest dick I have ever seen!"
The big guy says, "Well thanks man. My name is Ben Rover."
Then the guy passes out.
When he wakes up he says "Whats your name again"
"Well it's Ben Rover" The big guy says!
Oh what a releif i thought you said bend over.
There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.
She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.
When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.
She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.
The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."
Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.
As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"
Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."
This joke submitted by:
Steve BraceyAn apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
A large family were going to have Thanks Giving dinner togther.
The two grandma's of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan.
They put BB Gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it.
The next morning, Little Tommy came down from his room and said "Grannie, Grannie, there were BBGun pellets in my pee pee last night."
Then Little Sally came down and said "Grandma, there was BB Gun pellets in my pee last night."
Then Big Shaun came down yelling "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!"
This joke was submitted by:
JafuThree guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.
So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."
When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"
The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."
Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."
So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.
The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."
Daniel EliasA redneck and his girlfriend are having dinner one evening when all of a sudden the redneck's aquentice jumps up and stars gasping for air.
The redneck quickly stands up and realizes she choking on a piece of hamhok.
He starts pounding on her back like a drum and says "you alright?" she shakes her head no.
So then he starts hitting her belly, "how bout now?" he askes.
Her face now red shakes no. "i sure hate to have to do this to you" he says. then he goes behind her and flips up her dress and licks her in the ass crack.
He looks at her and askes her again "you alright?" she shakes her head no and her face is now purple.
The redneck looks at her with defeat and says "Well Im sorry, I guess that dog-gone hinelick manuver don't work after all"
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"
A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.
His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
So what say the friends, flip her over.
"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
"Halitosis" the man says.
"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
This joke was submitted by:
Robert GibbsThere are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.
So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.
"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".
"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop.
They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all ur dicks equal up to 15 inches ill let you off.
The driver pulls out his dick which is 7 inches.
The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out which is 6 inches.
The last guy in the back pulls his out and it's 2 inches.
So they get out of the ticket.
After a while they hear the guy laughing hysterically in the back.
The driver asks, "What's wrong why are you laughing?" the guy in back says good thing I was popping a boner.
There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women.
Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"
This joke was submitted by:
Cory DaltonA guy, short of money asked a man what he could do to earn some.
The man replied "I'll give you $1000 if you do three tasks."
You need to knock out a wrestler, pull a loose tooth out of a dingo's mouth and screw an old lady.
So the guy quickly runs up to the wrestler and punches him out.
He then leaps into the bushes after the dingo. Several minutes go buy and he is heard rolling around and moaning before finally emerging triumphant.
He then turns to the man and says "Where's this old lady so I can pull her tooth out and get paid"
There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.
The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!!
Submitted By:
Gregory MirabelA lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Adult Jokes
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