Holiday Jokes

• Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.




• Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.

• It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

• What did the skeleton tell the doctor in the club? I need some body to dance!

• A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas."Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."

• Q: What's the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
  A: Snowballs!

• The Parisien stunned French citizens in 1986 when it reported that an agreement had been signed to dismantle the Eiffle Tower. The international symbol of French culture would then be reconstructed in the new Euro Disney theme park going up east of Paris. In the space where the Tower used to stand, a 35,000 seat stadium would be built for use during the 1992 Olympic Games

• So every morning a husband would wake up in the morning and pass gas really loud. The wife told him one day if you keep that up you are going fart out your guts.
  
  The husband said no way it is impossible. Well this went on for along time.
  
  Finally the wife was cooking Thanksgiving dinner and while she was taking all the guts out of the bird she had an Idea. She sneaked in there bedroom and stuffed all the turkey guts in his underwear.
  
  The next morning she heard him wake up and fart really loud. After that it was quiet for some time.
  
  Then her hubby came down and said, "You where right I did fart out my guts. But thank goodness I was able stuff them all back in!"

• What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween?
  Mash-scara!
  

• Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
  Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

• Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
  A: Their balls are just for decoration.

• As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
  
  "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
  
  Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
  
  "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
  

• Q: How did the ghost go on vacation?
  A: By scareplane!

• What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

• In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........
  
  And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.

• Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!

• Q. What is a taxidermist's favorite part of Thanksgiving?
  A. The stuffing.

• Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's."

• What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it's Halloween.

• Signs You're Sick of the Holidays
  
  8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
  
  7. You're serving reindeer pot pie
  
  6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
  
  5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
  
  4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
  
  3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
  
  2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
  
  1. Two words: tinsel rash

• One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
  
  When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

• Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
  
  "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
  "I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
  "I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..."
  
  His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't hard of hearing."
  
  The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

• The little boy was no more than seven years old. It was time for Church, and he wanted to take his teddy bear, whom he had always called Frank. His parents protested, but he insisted that he had to take Frank, so they finally relented.
  
  When the donation baskets were passed, he put the teddy bear in the plate, along with a few coins.
  
  Later, when asked about it, he simply said, "Well, the Bible says the wise men brought Jesus the gifts gold, frankincense and myrrh. I didn't have any gold, and I don't know what myrrh is. So I just gave Frank and cents!"

• An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
  
  His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
  
  They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
  
  "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

• Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down?
  A: Because their belts are on their hats.

• Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants?
  A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.

• Q: What is the difference between a black man and Santa?
  A: Santa stops after the third Ho.

• Q: What does Santa Claus do in his garden?
  A: He hoe hoe hoes it.

• A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?

• An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham rock.

• One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

• Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
  A: Their bats flew away.

• It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
  
  "Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
  
  "Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
  
  "That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
  
  The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
  
  "Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

• Have you ever wondered why the angel sits on top of the tree? Let me tell you the story.
  
  One December 23rd, Santa was very busy supervising the elves as they finished making their toys for him to give the children. As the elves finished for the day, Santa pulled the shift leader aside, telling him to make certain the elves rose at 7AM so they could begin loading his sleigh.
  
  He went home to have dinner with his wife. After dinner, he told her he was going to bed as tomorrow would be a long day. He asked his wife to wake him at 6AM and have his clothes laid out and his breakfast waiting. Then he goes to bed.
  
  He wakes at 8:30AM. He jumps out of bed and rushes around the room the get his clothes. He begins to grow angry as he dresses. When he's dressed, he goes to the kitchen. There is no sign of his wife and no breakfast.
  
  Growing more angry, he quickly pours himself a bowl of cereal which he eats as quickly as possible. Leaving the dirty bowl on the table, he goes out to his workshop to find no elves busily loading his sleigh.
  
  He stands beside the empty sleigh, trying to get his anger under control when an angel walks up to him, dragging an evergreen tree behind her. Expecting Santa to be his usual jolly self, she asks, "Santa, what do you want me to do with this?

• If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!

• Q: What did the ghost say to the doctor?
  A: I have a boo boo
  

• The REAL Night Before Christmas
  (By Parents)
  
  'Twas the night before Christmas
  when all through the house
  I searched for the tools
  to hand to my spouse
  
  Instructions were studied
  and we were inspired,
  in hopes we could manage
  "Some Assembly Required."
  
  The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
  while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
  a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
  And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
  
  We opened the boxes,
  my heart skipped a beat -
  let no parts be missing
  or parts incomplete!
  
  Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
  if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
  When what to my worrying eyes should appear
  but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
  
  With each part numbered and every slot named,
  so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
  More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
  all over the carpet they were scattered about.
  
  "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
  Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
  Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
  "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
  
  And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
  that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
  to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
  with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
  
  We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
  till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
  The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
  before we attached the last rod and last pin.
  
  Then laying the tools away in the chest,
  we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
  But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
  "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
  
  Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
  and not run to the store for one single thing!
  We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
  for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
  
  Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
  I gratefully went, though I suppose
  there's something to say for those self-deluded-
  I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

• Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

• A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
  
  
  (Rudolf the red-nosed raindeer?)

• Why don't witches have babies? Because their husbands have Hallo-weenies!!!

• A vampire walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "A cup of boiling water, please." The bartender, confused and scared, walks up with the water and says, "I thought vampires drank blood..." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, it's tea time."

• What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? They go into town and blow a few bucks.

• Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmastime? Because they were originally made for children but fathers want to play with them.

• 1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
  
  2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
  
  3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
  
  4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
  
  5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.
  
  6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

• Johnny wanted to get his mom something nice for Christmas but she’s hard to shop for. Passing a pet store he thought, "Hmm, a pet might be a good idea." He walked in the pet store and asked the manager what might be a good idea. "How about a puppy?" "No," said Johnny. "It may poop around the house." "A fish?" "No, her house is small, so I don’t think an aquarium will fit." Johnny then spied a parrot and asked, "How about that parrot?" "Oh," said the manager, "That’s Chet. He’s very expensive." "Well," said Johnny, "It’s my mom let’s take a look." The manager went to Chet, put a lighter under his left wing, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." Then the manager put a lighter under Chet’s right wig and it started to sing, "Dashing through the snow..." "Wow!" said Johnny, "What else does he sing?" The manager held the lighter under Chet’s crotch at which point Chet sang, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

• What is a mummy's favorite type of music? Wrap!

• Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.
  
  Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.
  
  Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons,"
  
  "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."
  
  Then it hit me.
  
  I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."
  
  

• 59 years ago I got my first picture taken with Santa, just found out it was with Grandma.

• One day Dan asks Bob, “So Bob what did you get for Christmas?”
  
  Then Bob says to Dan, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”
  
  Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!!!”
  
  Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”
  

• What did the turkey say on Thanksgiving?
  Don't "gobble" me up!
  

• Why is Christmas like a day at the office?
  
  Because, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

• A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

• Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
  A: You can see right through them.

• Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.

• A woman had never seen Santa Claus before, but on Christmas Eve night she heard someone come down her chimney so she went downstairs to check it out. ''Oh, it's Santa Claus," she said, "Please stay and chat this is the first time I have met you." Santa replied, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" The lady took off her robe, but Santa said, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" The lady slipped off her nightgown and Santa told her, "Ho ho ho, I need to go. I need to go!" Then the lady removed her panties, and Santa said, ''Hey hey hey, I need to stay. I need to stay, 'cause I can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!"

• Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
  A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.

• Five Ways To Shake Up Thanksgiving
  
  1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
  
  2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
  
  3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
  
  4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
  
  5. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.
  

• Santa walks into the psychiatrist's office very upset.
  
  "Why Santa," says the psychiatrist,"Why are you here?"
  
  "I can't deliver the presents to the children's homes!!!" replies Santa.
  
  "Well, what's the problem?" asks the psychiatrist.
  
  "I don't know," says Santa, "I get very scared and anxious and just can't go down the chimney. What is it Doctor?
  
  "Do you know what's wrong with me?" asks Santa.
  
  "Yes," says the psychiatrist,"I know exactly what's wrong with you, Santa. You are suffering from CLAUS-trophia!"

• On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."

• I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the CRAP out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!

• What's a turkey's favorite song? "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"

• It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally asks: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace."
  
  The mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?"
  
  Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

• I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

• Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
  A: To get to the body shop.

• Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"

• The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
  
  Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
  
  "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

• Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?
  
  A. Because it soot’s him!
  

• A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

• Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
  A: Spare ribs!

• A father and son are out shopping for Christmas presents for their family. The son asks, "What present are my sister and I going to get?" The dad answers, "I got you guys an iPad and iPod." "Wow, thanks," the son replies, "What will you give mom?" The dad says, "Your mom is getting an iRon."

• 1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

• Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden.
  
  Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart.
  
  Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced....
  "I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!
  

• Q: What do elves learn in school?
  A: The Elfabet.

• Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
  A: Because they have a lot of spirit!

• Why did the vampire subscribe to the Wall St Journal? He heard it had great circulation...

• Are you sure today isn't Christmas?
  
  I just saw a bearded man in a red coat carrying a 70 inch tv out of my neighbors house?
  
  Must have been a wrong address?
  

• Teacher: If today is Christmas Eve, what is the day after Christmas?
  
  A student quickly replied, Christmas Adam!
  

• Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
  A: To know which witch is which!

• One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.
  
  He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"
  
  Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.
  
  Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"
  
  It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."
  
  His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."
  
  About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

• My neighbor and I were talking, when he brought up the fact they were going to travel abroad over the holidays to Beijing, China.
  
  I said, "Oh that's nice, after the first of the year we too are going to travel."
  
  He said, "Oh where are you all going?"
  
  I said, "Well we are excited, were going to Walmart to see all the new Chinese products."

• Q: Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
  A: Because of his coffin.

• Q: Why are vampires so easy to fool?
  A: Because they are suckers.

• Q: What does Miley Cyrus eat for Christmas dinner?
  A: Roast twerky!

• Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
  A: Pilgrims!

• Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

• Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
  A: The turkey trot
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  Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
  A: Plymouth Rock
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  Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
  A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
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  Q: Why did the turkey play the drums in his band?
  A: Because he already had drum sticks!
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  Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
  A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
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  Q: Why did the turkey play the drums in his band?
  A: Because he already had drum sticks!
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  Q: What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
  A: Fangs-giving.
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  Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
  A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
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  Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
  A: I'll let you know next week.
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  Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
  A: The outside.
  
  Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
  A: Because they use such fowl language.

• Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
  A: Santa stops after three hos.

• What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.

• Q: If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
  A: Pilgrims!
  
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  Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
  A: It was the chicken's day off.
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  Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
  A: Because they never learned good table manners!
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  Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
  A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.
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  Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
  A: They suspected it of fowl play.
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  Q: Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
  A: To keep his wig warm.
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  Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
  A: Because he had the drumsticks
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  Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
  A: He had an arrow escape.
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  Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," a student wrote , "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

• I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.