A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”
In a darken theater where the suspenseful mystery story was being staged, a member of the audience suddenly stood up and cried, “Where is the murdered?”
A threatening voice behind her replied, “Right in back of you, if you don’t sit down!”A drunkard was trying to insert the key in the padlock, but being unsteady every time he attempted he failed. A gentleman came along and seeing the frustration of the drunkard, he offered to help him to work the key in the lock. Thanking the gentleman about his offer, the drunkard said, “It is OK. I will manage the key myself, you just hold on to this house it seems to be shaky”.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action movie about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarsenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" replied Sly. “And what about you?" he asked Arnold. "If I’m not Bach, I’ll be Hayden!"
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”10. Scientists dressed in radiation suits are probing your car.
9. Your car develops a shroud of fog when it rains, and it is perfectly dry when the rain stops.
8. Your car has a nasty glare from the sun, even at night.
7. You keep finding cornish game hens (the small chickens) freshly roasted on the hood of your car, with a complete complement of various birds and Roasted vegetables on the trunk.
6. Your car spontaneously combusts when you open the door.
5. You spy your co-workers taking a sauna inside your car during lunch break.
4. Your car horn is no longer that deep trucker's horn it once was, but now sounds like a dry rasping wheeze.
3. Hosting a barbecue on your dashboard.
2. The police officer is trying to put a ticket on your car, but the ticket burns up when it touches the windshield.
1. Watching the CD hanging from your mirror shrivel like a Shrinkydink? in under 10 minutes after parking.woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, wearing a hat, to the photographer. She wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head her husband parted his hair on.
"I forgot," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."Banta's son: Dad there is some one at the door to collect donations for a swimming pool.
Banta: Give him a glass of water.Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.
“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” “Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”
“July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” “Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”
“And he won!” Peter sighed.
“No. He came in seventh.”A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”
Linda Mcartney reaches the gates of Heaven. God invites her in and shows her round. "Very nice she says, but where's my Halo ?" God replies "oh... you have to have been here a few years before you graduate to Angel status" Linda says "but what about her ?", pointing to Lady Diana "She's got a Halo" God laughs "That's not a Halo, that's a steering wheel !"
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. ‘Could you push me to the gas station?”
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.
“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.
“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.’Hey have you heard about the sidewalk?
No! Well it’s all over town!!!Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"During a training exercise, an army unit was late for afternoon inspection.
“Where are those camouflage trucks?” the irate colonel barked.
“They’re here somewhere,” replied the sergeant, “but we can’t find’em.”Q: How often does a Smurf bend over?
A: Once in a blue moon.This yokel was applying for a job and was being asked the normal questions; Name, age, sex, address, etc.
The interviewer asks him for his father’s name and his mother’s maiden name.
What do you mean maiden name? The yokel asked.
What was your mother’s name before she was married?
None he replied, what do you mean none? Because I didn't have a mother before she was married.Knock, Knock
"Who's There?"
The Interruptive Cow
"The Interrupti...
MOOOOA man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiouslyA Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, “I want my $20 million.”
The man replied, “No, Sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 days.”
Sardar said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”
Again, the man explained that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 days.
Sardar furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! if you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my 1 dollar back!”Two women are talking about their husbands who are cops.One of them says "Oh my husband has not changed since we married.He is so dull and stupid!!" And the other women replies"I thought the same about my husband but recently he is acting so smart." "Really!!So tell me about it." "The last Friday we were at a burial and when the music started he was the only one to invite me for a dance."
A little old lady was among a group at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. “What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?” He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.” “Well, then” snapped the little old lady, “Why isn’t it?”“I’d like some really tight jeans.”
“Certainly, sir. Will you walk this way?”
“If they’re as tight as yours I’ll probably have to.”At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged as he hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your intelligence."
The girl’s car couldn’t get started and traffic was tied up for blocks. The light turned green, then yellow, then red. “Whatsa madda, miss,” shouted the officer. “Don’t you like any of our colors?”
After the dance, young Charles asked the young girl if he could see her home – so she showed him a picture of it.
After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator.
“My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?”Q: What did the grape do when the fat man stepped on it?
A: It gave out a litte wine.Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.Blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, “Where did you get that?”
The pig replied, “I won her in a raffle!”A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”
At an Italian wedding ceremony, the priest asked the bride, “Do you take Franco Giuseppe-Antonio to be your husband?”
The bride looking very confused said, “father, there is a mistake. I am only marrying Frank.”A man tell his friend, “I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking”
“What did he say?”
“He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.”
“Did that do any good?”
“No – I can’t get the chocolate to light.”Q: How many animals can be put in a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, a few hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!Harry Dunn lived with his mother in Ireland and was always bugging her to let him go the U.S.A. Finally she said he could go if he promised to write her every week to let her know how he was doing, He said he would , so off he went down to the docks.
Well she received letters each week telling her how he arrived in New York, how he had found an apartment, found a job, and had met Betty the girl in the office. He said he was so happy and that he and Betty were getting married. They had moved to Connecticut in a lovely little white house, and Betty was pregnant. Then the letters stopped.....
She was so worried she didn’t know what to do. She heard that one of the local lads was going over and she made her way to the pier. She found him and asked him if he knew her son Harry Dunn, he said he did not. She told him what had happened and asks him to look up Harry and tell him to write. He promised her he would at any cost.
Upon arriving in N.Y. he hailed a taxi, and told the cabby to take him to Connecticut (not realizing how big the USA was.) The cabby said that is quite a ways from here and quite costly. No problem I have to deliver a message for an old lady in Ireland. “Do you know Harry Dunn? He asked the cabby. “No I don’t think so” the cabby replied. The lad told the cabby that he lived in a little white house in Connecticut. So the cabby said when we get over the line I will pull into a station and you can ask the attendant if he knows you friend Harry Dunn.
So when they crossed over into Connecticut the cabby pulled into a little country service station. The boy jumped out as the attendant was coming to the car. The boy asked the attendant if he knew Harry Dunn and he said no. Where is the little white house? The attendant pointed and said right behind the station down that path, so the boy trotted down the path to the little white house (Privy-john)
He jerked the door open and there stood a man zipping up his pants “Are you Dunn?” asked the lad. Yes I’m done replied the man. “I have a message for you.”
‘What is the message” asked the man. “Write to your mother, she is worried sick over you.”
One guy to another; they say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don’t believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn’t see any difference.
Inflation is creeping up,” a young man said to his friend. “Yesterday I ordered a $25.00 steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my American Express card – and it fit.”
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”
“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”Where would Voldemort go if he played the saxophone?
Jazzkaban.A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time.
At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25.
The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.Did you hear about the dead cabbage?
There was a big turnip at the funeral.Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because I couldn't lift the table!Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his family tree traced. “It could cost thousands of dollars,” said the woman. “I see. Well, isn’t there an easier way? A less expensive way?” “Sure,” she replied. “Run for president.”
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”John asks: Why are you drinking so much?
Joe says: Because I donated my body to science, and I am preserving it until they are ready to use it.The United States is the only country where housewife hires a woman to do her cleaning so she can do volunteer work at the day care where the cleaning woman leaves her child
A man walks in to a "haunted" hotel and asks for a room.
The man at the sign-in desk said, "There is only one room left and people say it is haunted."
The man replies, "I don't care" and takes the room.
That night he heard this voice saying "I've gotcha... I've gotcha... now I'm gonna eat ya!" When the man heard this, he jumped out the window and was never seen again.
A few nights later another man came in, asked for a room and the same thing happened again.
When a third man came in and asked for a room, he was told that the room was haunted and that two men have already jumped out the window.
The main replied that he was not afraid of ghosts and took the room. That night he was lying in bed and heard someone saying, "I've gotcha... I've gotcha... and now I'm gonna eat ya!" The man looked all over the room and at the corner of his eye he saw a cupboard. When he opened the door he saw a boy sitting there, picking his nose, saying, "I've gotcha... I've gotcha... and now I'm gonna eat ya!"At the movie theater, a young man returning to his seat taps the arm of a woman in the last seat in the row. “Excuse me,” he says, “but did I step on your toe on the way out?” “As a matter of fact, you did,” says the woman, expecting an apology.
“Oh good,” says the man, “then this is my row.”A man entered a barbershop and said: “I am tired of looking like everyone else!
I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” said the man.
The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.
A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. “Put it back the way it was,” he said. “What’s the matter? Asked the barber. “Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?” “No”, he replied, “I am tired of people whispering in my nose!”A tired traveler decided to find a hotel for the night. He stumbled to the front desk and said to the clerk, “Pardon me, I’m exhausted, I’ve been driving for fourteen hours, I’m hungry, and I have a headache. Can you just tell me what room I’m in?”
“Certainly, sir,” the helpful clerk replied. “You are in the lobby.”An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later. “How is it?” he asked entering the house. “Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.”
A woman rushes into a hardware store and said, “Can I have a muse trap, please? And will you be quick – I’ve a bus to catch.”
“Sorry, ma’am,” said the assistant, “we don’t sell ‘em that big!”An aspiring actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career. “How’s it going?” the agent asks. “It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider two films with me.” “Two?” he agent replies. “Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”
Confucius say: “Beans in sandy soil causes Dust in the Wind”
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
An aspiring actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career. “How’s it going?” the agent asks. “It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider two films with me.” “Two?” he agent replies. “Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”
12. The Dustbunnies
11. Balder
10. Bag of Scones
9. Fitful Sleep, Probably Caused by Too Many Anchovies
8. Choirstarter
7. Cujo 2: Yo Quiero Taco Bell
6. The Whining
5. The Tummy-Grumblers
4. Children of the Kornbergs
3. Pet Seminary
2. Carrie-Okie
1. The MommyknockersMo and Jo are sitting in boat fishing, drinking beer and chewing tobacco when out of the blue Mo says, “I think I’m gonn a divorce my wife …… she ain’t spoke to me in over a month.” Jo sips his beer and says, “Better think over, women like that are hard to find.”
The sympnoy is playing Betthoven's Ninth. During a long break, the bass players decide to slip out to the local pub and have a few drinks.
Suddenly one realizes they have been gone for a while and says "We've got to get back."
Another says, "Relax, we've got plenty of time. I tied a string in the conductor's score and he'll have a time getting it squared away."
As they come back into the concert hall, a patron in the audience notices the confusion by the conductor and says, "Something seems wrong up there."
Her date says, "What do you expect? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
How many cups of coffee will this hold?” the man asked as he placed a large thermos on the lunchroom counter.
“Six cups,” advised the waitress.
“Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra creamGoofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”
“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”It was Loomis’s day to walk about the grounds of the asylum. Pausing by the fence, he looked into the fields of the farmer next door.
“Hey,” he yelled, “what the heck are you doing?”
“Spreading fertilizer on the strawberries,” replied the farmer.
Shaking his head, Loomis says, “Fella, you ought to have dessert here some time.
“We eat them with cream and sugar.”The president of a movie-studio who was not exactly noted for his knowledge of the English language received a well written story titled “The Optimist.” After reading the manuscript, he called a gathering of the most creative minds and announced, “Gentlemen, we got us a great story here, but I want all of you to think of something simpler for a title. There ain’t many people will know the technical term for eye doctor.”
Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”Bob goes with his friend, a comedian, to a comedian's meeting. When they get there, one of the men stands up and shouts out "34!” and all the other comedians laugh hysterically. Bob turns to his friend and says "I don't get what was so funny!” and his friend explains to him that the Comedians' Guild has assigned each joke a number to make them easier to tell.
All through dinner, the members of the Guild stand up and say numbers, and every time, everyone laughs, so Bob decides to give it a try. He stands up, and shouts out his favorite number: "54!" Dead silence.
Bob turns to his friend and asks "What did I do wrong? When ever you do it, they laugh!" And his friend answered, "You didn't tell it well."Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
What's white & slides down the wall ?
George Michaels last release.A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report.
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife."
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!An Atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. How do you know?
They'll tell you.The reading material at the barbershop consisted entirely of murder stores, mysteries, thrillers, and ghost tales.
When Peter asked the barber if he wanted to terrify his customers he replied.
“No Peter. These books make the customers’ hair stand up and then it becomes
easier to trim and cut.”Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles’ bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
“I’m jus an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.
As she stepped outside what a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. “How did you like my execution?” she asked.
The gardener without turning to look at her said, “I’m in favor of it.”The nurse burst into the doctor’s office. “Doctor! She yelled, “you just gave a clean bill of health to Mr. Smith and … and he dropped dead right outside the door!”
The doctor jumped into action. “Quick,” he said, “We’ve got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in!”1st Man: I heard that the Monkees were originally only going to have Peter, Davy, and Mike in the band.
2nd Man: Yeah?
1st Man: Yeah. Then they slipped them a Mickey.A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put in reverse, and bang -right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang - right into the car in front.
A young woman watching the maneuver couldn't contain herself, "Do you always park by ear?" she asked.A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while, a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, luv, how's about us going for a walk together?"
"How dare you," retorted the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
Well then," said the tramp, "what are you doing in my bed?"Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s diseased?
You keep meeting new friends.Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.
There was a son of a fireman that wanted to be much like his father. Since he couldn't drive a fire truck, he used his little red wagon, a rope, and his dog. The dog is actually a male. So the kid had his dog pulling him down the road while he was sitting in his wagon. And a neighbor asked the kid, "Why don't you tie the rope around the dog's neck? You can go a lot faster." And the kid replied, "If I tie the rope around his neck, the siren want go off!
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there.
In that case the grass is soaked in the blood and tears of the innocent.A patient tell his therapist: “I feel awful. I feel like a spoon all the time.”
The therapist says: “sit still and don’t stir.”A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!Q: What bag sleeps the most? A: A sleeping bag!
A man being interviewed for a job was asked his name.
My name is Morris M. Morris he replied.
What does the M stand for?
Nothing he replied they just stuck it in to break the monotony.The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rate. “
Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?
“I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter.
“I hardly ever get a compliment.”It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while were pushing."Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Q: What do a moving robot and a good actor have in common?
A: Both are capable of e-motion!A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.
“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”
“Fine, I need a new garage door.”Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”
“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.
“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”A lady walked into a boutique and asked the sales lady "May I try on that cute dress in the window?"
The sales lady replied; "Sure, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a dressing room?"Mike Tyson is in bed with a girl, and he says, "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a rough childhood, I was thrown in jail for rape, my wife left me for beating her up, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life, and Don King stole all my money. Nothing could make my life any worse." The girl says, "I can say some thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson."
A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy. “What’s wrong?” the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!” “I know,” he groaned, “But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!”
On a visit to Chicago, a woman was eager to visit a posh department store a few blocks from her hotel. Her husband agreeably hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus,” he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at them. “And the gentleman?” he asked. “Does he want to go to the bank?”A woman stopped at a historic old hotel and asked the desk clerk for the room rates. “A room on the first floor is none hundred and fifty dollars; on the second floor, one hundred and forty dollars, and on the third floor, one hundred and thirty dollars.”
The woman turned to leave. “Don’t you like the accommodations?” asked the clerk.
“Oh, yes, it’s great,” replied the woman. “It just isn’t tall enough.”A French man nearly got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the robbery and getting in and out and past security, he was captured only three blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.
Susan said: My husband was named Man of the Year.
Martha replied: Well that shows you what kind of a year it’s beenBy the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."This scientist was telling a colleague, "I have worked for many years
to develop an acid that would eat anything and I finally did it.” So I invested everything I had and could borrow into it.
“You must have made a fortune,” commented his friend. “No! I lost all my investments. I couldn't find anything to ship it in.” replied the scientist.A tail gunner was being court-martialed. “What did you hear in your headset?” demanded a superior officer.
“Well,” replied the airman. “I heard my squadron leader holler, ‘Enemy planes at 5 o’clock!”
“What action did you take?’ persisted another officer.
“Why, sir,” replied the gunner, “I just sat back and waited. It was only 4:30.”Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”
“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”A very rich maharajah decided to give his daughter and his kingdom to the guy who would bring to him the most precious ping-pong balls. Indeed, some days later a guy brings a pair of golden balls, while another brought a pair of diamond ones and a third brought a ping-pong ball made of a very rare mineral found only in a remote part of the Amazon jungle. The maharajah was ready to issue his decision, when suddenly a beat-up guy holding a pair of watermellon-shaped black things, shows up screaming "hold it, I brought them"... The maharajah says "But, these are not ping-pong balls". Then the guy, startled, says:"Ping Pong? Shit..I heard King Kong"
Let me kiss your lips
Let me test your teeth
Let me test your tongue
Don't be afraid of me
"I am pepsodent"Calvin sees Elmer and asks: What’s up?
Elmer says; first I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.
Calvin says: Boy, you had a time!
Elmer: I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull trough that spelling test.The patient staggered to the pharmacy counter flinching.
“Say, would you give me something for my head?” The pharmacist looked up.
“Why? What would I do with it?”A Panhandler who was working Wall Street one day approached a dignified businessman and asked him for some money. The man replied, “I’m very sorry, but I never give money to people in the street.”
The panhandler replied, “What should I do? Come up to your office?A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. At that time, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decideds that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "great they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."
A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.
Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."Me: One day, son, ALL this will be yours.
*points to friendzone*Q. What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light?
A. Don’t look now am changing!Have you ever watched Night of the Living Dead? I see a rerun of it every morning in the mirror!
A man visiting New York stopped at a restaurant which claimed it could supply any dish ordered, so the tourist asked the waiter for Kangaroo on toast. The waiter came back a while later and said, “I am so sorry, sir, but we have run out of bread.”
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in . . . well, you know the rest.A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
“I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”
But the blonde insisted saying,
“No. A bet’s a bet.”
Then the redhead said
“Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied
“Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!”A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?
“Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune
bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
-------------
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
-------------
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
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If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end -- it would be a good idea.
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Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
-------------
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
-------------
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
-------------
Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his
bagpipes in the back seat?
He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says - Does this taste funny to you?
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck
is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't
dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks' former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."A lady sitting at home got a phone call. She answered it; a strange sounding man said, "This is the Viper. I am coming." the lady was frightened. 5 minutes later she got another phone call the same man replied" This is the Viper. I am almost there." The lady was terrified. Another 5 minutes later the phone range again. It was the same man. He said, " I am coming up now." The lady was so scared she called the police. Before the police got there, a man walked in the door with a bucket of water and a window wiper. The man said " I'm the Viper I vome to vipe your vindows!"
Q: What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
A: Get out of my son!A man walks into a barber shop and asks; “how much for a hair cut?” The barber said $12.50. The man asks; “and how much for a shave?” The barber said $1.50. The man then says SHAVE IT ALL.
After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight ours ago!”
A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "it is!. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Tom, Dick and Harry were traveling in the desert. Arriving at a small village they could find nowhere to sleep but a strange inn whose landlord, though willing to take them in for the night, would offer only a bed of fire, a bed of nails, and a bed of fleas.
In the morning, they compared notes over breakfast. The bed of fire was awful,” said Tom. “Very uncomfortable. I didn’t sleep a wink, and I’m scorched all over.”
“I had a bad night, too,” said Dick. “That bed of nails was dreadful. I’m covered with holes.”
“I slept fine,” declared Harry. “My bed of fleas was no trouble at all. I just killed one flea and all the rest went to the funeral!”Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette – the blonde would have to stop for directions!A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”
“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”Your mama is sooo fat when she swam in the Atlantic Ocean for 2 minutes, Europe claimed her as a country.
“Hello, Operator. You gave me the wrong number.” The young man was quite peeved about it. I’m calling HOpe5567. “There is no such exchange as Rope,” said the operator.
“Hope,” replied the man angrily. “H like in Harry, O for Otto, P for Peter and E for Edward.” “Gee,” said the operator, “that phone booth must be awfully crowded.
But what number do you want?”Say, Joe,” a man said to his friend, “how do you like your new job?”
“It’s the worst job I have ever had.” “How long have you been there?” asked his buddy.
“About three months.” Said Joe. “Why don’t you quit?” said his friend.
“No way. This is the fist time in 25 years that I have looked forward to going home after work.’After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”
Q: Why would they not let the Pirate into the theater?
A: Because it was rated rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.An orthopedic surgeon was moving to a new office, with the help of his staff. One of the nurses sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, a bony arm across the back of the seat.
On the drive across town, she stopped at a traffic light, and the stares of the people in the neighboring car compelled her to roll down her window and yell, I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” The other driver leaned out of is window. “I hate to tell you, lady,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"There were these two boys, Chris and Joe, who boasted about their fathers’ achievements. One day,
Chris told Joe,"Do you know about the Suez Canal"
Joe,"Ya"
Chris, “My father dug it"
Joe, “That’s nothing! Do you know about the Dead Sea”?
Chris,"Ya"
Joe, “My Father Killed It!!"Q: So did you hear about the new Pirate movie?
A: It's rated . . . ArghRRRRRRRR.A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.
At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.
"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"A man with stutter went to a restaurant for dinner and ordered a steak, the waitress came with a salt cracker and asked, "Would you like some salt, sir?". The man replied "Ye..yes, p...p...please add...". The waitress cracks some salt onto the man's steak while the man persisted "...add...add...add...". Salt quickly piled up the steak like a tiny mountain, but the man would not stop insisting on adding more. Just when the waitress was about to stop and question, the stuttered man finally shouts out "...add...add...add just a little bit!!".
The definition of Punctuality: The art of waiting for others who are unpunctual.
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
One friend to another “I think my wife is trying to tell me something,” “She keeps wrapping my sandwiches in a road map!”
A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice.??? ??? The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him:? "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event.??? ??? Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset.??? ??? Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's."
So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he was told.? ??????? When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel.??? ??? Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21.??? ??? The voice said, "Damn..."?A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh, that man I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?
"Five bucks, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."One day a woman watching the news saw this lady talking about a car driving on the wrong side of the road during rush hour. The woman realized her husband was driving on that same road! She ran to her phone to call him and tell him what she had seen on the news. When she got a hold of him he replied, “yes there are a lot of them on the wrong the wrong side..."
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
Q: Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?
A: Cause he didnt have the guts.Gracie was driving down the road in her pickup truck when she spotted a blonde sitting in a canoe in the middle a corn field. She slammed on her brakes and swerved into the corn field.
Pulling up beside the blonde, she rolled down her window and shouted, "Hey! What do you think you're doing?!?"
The blonde in the canoe looked at her, confused and said, "Well, I'm just out enjoying the sun in my canoe."
Gracie was fuming. She yelled back, "Why are you out in the middle of the cornfield!?!"
"Well, it seemed like a great day to be in the wide open," the blonde replied.
"You know," Gracie said, "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!"What goes up and never comes down?
Your age
1 egg takes 5 minutes to boil. How long does 10 eggs take to boil?
The same 5 minutes.
How many times does a tailor have to cut 100 yards of cloth to get 100 equal pieces?
99 times. You don’t cut the last piece, it is already there
What side of the teacup is the handle on?
I really don't know the answer
Which is heavier? 1 pound of hay or 1pound of metal. Which is heavier?
They both weigh a pound
Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers, Peter piper picked. If Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peckers, how many peckers did Peter piper picked? How many Ps are there in THAT?
None...H...A...T.....there are NO P's in the word THAT
What has 100 eyes and cannot see?
A potato
Two Indians standing on a bridge. One is the father of the other ones son. What is the relation between the two Indians?
Mother and Father
What has NO legs and CAN run?
WaterA sadist and a masochist were locked in a room together.
In a very short while the masochist began to freak out, begging "Hit me, hit me!” To which the sadist replied, “No"Three rather deaf friends meet on the street; “Windy, isn’t it? Said one. “No, it’s Thursday,” said the second. “So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a beer.”
If Barbie is so extremely popular, how come you have to buy her friends?
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this shit? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."Two passengers on a ship are talking. “Can you swim?” Asks one.
“No,” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.”10. Grizzly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky with an uzi
9. "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!"
8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"
7. Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Viagra."
6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch
5. It would be named "Twister II"
4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would actually have his brain removed
3. Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droid T.O.T.O.
2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh fu**!"
1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game"Q: What did Delaware?
A: A New Jersey.Two eggs were in a pot, being boiled. One said to the other, “it’s so hot in here I don’t think I can stand it much longer.” The other replied, “Don’t grumble. As soon as they get you out of here, they bash your head with a spoon.”
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious.
“Hey,” he called out to the waitress, “these particles in my soup – aren’t they foreign objects?”
She is scrutinizing his bowl. “No, sir!” she reassured him. “Those things live around here.”After struggling for many hours deep within the forest
of stately hardwoods, the new lumberjack finally quit. He just couldn't hack it.
Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing.
Eric: Oh, do you like it?
Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."A man walked into a crowded restaurant and caught the eye of a harried waiter. “ You know,” he said, “it’s been 10 years since I came in here.”
“Don’t blame me,” the waiter snapped. “I’m working as fast as I can.”One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. And she won the lottery!She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"
A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?
Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown.A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”
Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”1:Look it's the World book of records place!!! I have small hands so I'll try to get in.
============================= [5 minutes later]
2: Did you make it? 1:Yup 3:good job. 2:I have big hands, but small feet. I'll try to get in it too. ============================= [5 minutes later]
3:did you make it? 2:yup. 1:good job.
3:well i have big hands, big feet, but a small dick. ============================= [5 minutes later]
2:did you make it? 3:nope. Who is {the person that your telling the joke to}, anyway??What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Chistopher Reeves?
One is a fruit and the other is a vegtableA person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin: “For best results, put on two coats”.Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
They each got six monthsHere's how I will improve my odds if I were a Bond-film-villain:
• I will not burst into rage and kill the messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.
• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.Lisa: Do you really lover, or do you just think you do?
Bob: Honey, I really lover you. I haven’t done any thinking yet.
This guy was serving a life sentence in solitary and he was about to go out of his mind, so one day he saw this little ant crawling across the floor. He thought I got the rest of my life, so I could train this little ant, at the same time give me something to do and relieve the stress.
So he started teaching the little ant. Many years went by and with the help of courses and lessons he had got in the mail he taught the little ant all about law. The little ant got so good at his new trade that he got the man freed. When the papers heard his story they went wild. When he left the prison a bunch of scientist met him at the gate.
He carried the little ant in a match box in his shirt pocket. He showed him to the scientist.
They offered him thousands of dollars for the little ant, to use in their research. But he refused them saying “this little ant and I have been together for so long I could not part with him, it was he that got me out of prison"
So they started on their way. "What would you like to do?" asked the man. “I would like to go to a bar like you told me so much about" answered the little ant. So off they went to find a bar. In the bar the man started drinking and would give the little ant a drop from time to time.
So feeling good he started pestering the bartender.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked the bartender, “No, I don't" said the bartender"
"I'm the man the papers have been writing so much about."
"Still don't know you" said the bartender and off he went.
So he took the little ant out of the box and sat him on the bar.
Calling the bartender over he said "You see that little ant there on the bar?” “I sure do," and with his thumb the bartender squashed the little and said "How the hell he got in here, I just exterminated the place yesterday!1) Teen age - Have time + energy , but no money
2) Working age - Have money + energy , but no time
3) Old age - Have time + money , but no energyWhile eating in an expensive restaurant, a patron overhead the gentleman at the next table ask the waitress t pack the leftovers for their dog. It was then that his young son exclaimed loudly, “Whoopee! We’re going to get a dog.”
Q. Why aren't there very many Wal-Mart’s in Afghanistan?
A. Because there are too many targets!A fellow in his 40's buys a new mercedes and decides to test it out on the freeway. He is running about 80MPH with the top down and the wind blowing through his hair. All of a sudden he notices a highway patrol cruiser flashing his red lights directly behind his car. In an instant, he decides that his new mercedes can easily outrun the patrol car so he jumps the speed up to 100, then 115 and finally 125. The patrol car is right behind him and the guy finally realizes what he has done and pulls over. The patrolman walks up to him and asks for his drivers license. He then looks at the driver and says "this is my ticket for my shift and I really hate writing up a bunch of paperwork." "If you can give me an excuse I have never heard before" I will let you off. The driver thinks for a second and says:"officer, two weeks ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were the cop and trying to give her back to me.
The patrolman let him go....A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.
When a doctor remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “high blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family.”
“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor asked. “Neither,” the patient replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.” “Oh, come now,” said the doctor “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?” He sighed. “You oughta meet’em sometime, Doc!”YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN - -
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7 You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
YOU LIVE IN ALASKA WHEN - -
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
YOU LIVE IN THE DEEP SOUTH WHEN - -
1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.
YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN - -
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
YOU LIVE IN THE MIDWEST WHEN - -
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "
YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN - -
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
6. You don't know how to voteCarl asked, “Got anything to cure fleas on a dog?”
“That depends,” the slow-minded vet replied.
“What’s wrong with them?”A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.One day the son of the big chief comes to the Medicine man and says "Big Chief no fart!"
So the Medicine man says give him one pill every 5 hours and come back to me in a week.
The son comes back and says "Big Chief no fart!"
So the Medicine man says "give him 2 pills every 3 hours come back to me tomorrow!"
So the son comes back the next day and says” big chief no fart!"
The Medicine man says "Really! Give him one bag of pills every hour come back to me tomorrow!!"
The son comes back the next day and exclaims,” Big Fart.................No Chief!"Q: Why did John Elway turn himself in to the LAPD?
A: Because he heard they were looking for a slow white Bronco.A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told. “How will I recognize it?” asked the man.
“It’s the one with all the broken windows.” Came the reply.Two women were talking at a party, and one said, “Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve ever seen in my life!”
“That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily.
“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m so sorry.”
To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry…?”A couple is traveling on the Kansas Turnpike resisting 40 to 50 mph crosswinds. At the tollbooth, the husband asks the attendant; “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind stops?” The attendant didn’t miss a beat when he answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
- S.C. Herald-Journal -Little red riding hood was walking through the forest and all of a sudden she came across the Big Bad wolf, hiding behind a shrub.
"My what big ears you have!" she said.
The wolf looked at the girl dressed in red and ran off.
Further down the track, little red riding hood came across the wolf again, this time hiding behind a tree stump.
"My what a big nose you have!" she said.
The wolf looked at little red riding hood and gave the girl a bad look and ran off.
After walking for a few more minutes, little red riding hood came across the Big Bad wolf yet again; this time behind a tree.
"My big teeth you have!" exclaimed little red riding hood.
All of a sudden the Big Bad wolf jumped up and said: "Would you bloody piss off! I'm trying to take a crap!"Waking into the lingerie store, the hard-of-hearing customer says to the clerk, “I’d like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife.
The clerk says, “Sheer?”
And the man replies “No. She is in another store.”Love is like peeing yourself – everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.
Ours is a good restaurant, said the manager. “If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and” –
“ I believe you,” said the customer. “I ordered a small steak”One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, “Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!”
His wife asks, “Why?
The caveman replied, “I didn’t stop to ask!”A drunk guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Babe, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.”
“It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”10. "Squirrels -- Satan's Secret Army!"
9. "Mummified!: The Makeup Techniques Of Joan Rivers"
8. "Exploring The Titanic With The Lens Cap On"
7. "When Animals Can't Digest Doritos"
6. "Hector, The Gay Manatee"
5. "The Myth of the Female Orgasm"
4. "Wildflowers of the Antarctic: We Got There, There Weren't Any, But We
Made A Show About It Anyway"
3. "Ancient Mysteries: Why Is Dr. Joyce Brothers Famous?"
2. "National Geographic's Stark Naked Fat Guys At The Beach"
1. "Stuff That Was Too Boring For PBS"A young woman greeted the census taker. “Good morning,” said the caller,
“I’m taking the census and I’d like to ask you a few questions.
Occupation?”
“Homemaker,” replied the woman.
“Husband’s occupation?”
“Manufacturer.”
“Children?”
“No,” said the woman. “Dresses.”"Doctor, doctor I feel like a bridge"
"What’s come over you”?
"Two cars a truck and a coach"Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get ear rings?
A: A Buck-an-ear.One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.
The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.
The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. “Now supposing your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you get?
“Oh, a Bulldog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They are always good company!”A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from quazimodo.
In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell
"No training is needed or you will be in danger"
The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful"
"Be very careful"
Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands
"Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked
"NO, TRAINING"
"I can do it"
"Ok don't say you haven't been warned"
Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he was at the bottom a small crowd had gathered with a policeman examining the body
He yelled to the crowd
"Does anybody know this man?”
Quazimodo then answered
"No, but his face rings a bell"A young girl was so nervous about the cruise that immediately after being shown to her cabin, she headed for the bar.
Four hours later she bumped into a steward. “ ‘Scuse me.’ She said hiccupping, “I, I can’t seem to find my cabin.”
“I’ll be glad to help you, ma’am. What’s the number?”
“I dunno,” she answered, “but if you show me aroun’, I’ll recognize it from the lighthouse just outside the porthole.”Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar’s worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears.
Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!At a party the hostess served a guest a cup of punch and told him it was spiked.
Next, she served some to a minister. “I would rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips!” he shouted.
Hearing this, the first man poured his punch back and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice!”Dotty came into the office all aflutter about her husband, “You won’t believe this, Terry, but George takes a fishing- pole into the bathroom and tosses the hook into the tub.”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” gasped Terry. “Don’t you think you should take him to a psychiatrist?” “No time,” replied Dotty with a shrug. “I’m too busy cleaning fish.”Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.
Q: What does a roll of toilet paper and the starship Enterprise have in common?
A: They both circle around Uranus and search for Klingons.Three lunatics attempting to escape from a mental hospital; the first one passes the guard, makes a sound of a cat, and continues. The second one does exactly the same, meowing like a cat, and gets out, too. The third then passes near the guard and yell, “I’m a cat, too!”
The moving man was struggling to get a large bureau up the stairs.
“Why don’t you get Tom to help you?” Asked the moving foreman, to which the man answered, “Tom is inside carrying the clothes.”What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear !!!Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play. The first boy had to say, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to say, "Hark, a pistol shot."
On opening night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their first time on stage and their parents were in the
front row. The first little boy came out and said, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."
The second little boy was so shook after the first kid goofed up, when he came out he said, "Hark! A pistol shit!
A shishtel pit! Cow shit!! Bull shit!! I didn't want to be in your damned play anyway!"Dean and Jerry were riding a train across the west.
Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lot
of buffalo roaming the range.
Look at that big bunch of buffalo said Jerry.
Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd.
Jerry: Heard what.
Dean: Herd of buffalo.
Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo.
Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd.
Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard
I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.“Hi? Is this the mental hospital?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can I speak to Mr. Scott in room ten?
“One moment and I’ll connect you …. I’m sorry, Mr. Scott in not answering.”
“Good. That means I must have really escaped.”The disgruntled diner summoned his waiter to the table, complaining, “My oyster stew doesn’t have any oysters in it.” “Well, if that bothers you, then you better skip dessert,” replied the waiter. “It’s anger food cake.”
Recently while attending a dinner party, by way of conversation, the guest seated beside me asked "do you stir your coffee with your right hand or your left?” to which I replied "My right hand”. The response "interesting indeed, I stir mine with a spoon!”
A frantic woman had dialed 911.
“Police, fire, or ambulance?” asked the operator.
“I want a vet!” demanded the panic-stricken woman.
“A vet?” said the operator in surprise.
“What for?”
“To open by bulldog’s jaws.”
“But why did you call 911?”
“There’s a burglar in them.”I got robbed at the gas station today. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.
I said, "Yes, pump number six."An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, and I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."Carl used to practice meditation on an old mat. His wife was not happy about the worn-out mat. One day Carl found the rug missing from its usual place. “Where is it?” he asked her sternly. “It has achieved nirvana,” she retorted.
Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”
“I’ll have you know,” said the snob to his date, “my father is a famous man in this town.
He’s a Lion...a Moose…and an Elk.”
“Wow!” said his date, “and what do you charge to see him?”Two men (Mr. A & Mr. B) came out from a pup drunk on one windy Saturday night, feeling some cool wind blowing, Mr. A looked up the sky to see if it was going to rain, after looking he told his friend that it wasn't going to rain because he’s spotted a star. When Mr. B raised his head up and looked, this is not a star but a moon he said. This led them to argument if the object was a star or a moon, to ascertain what that object was, they approach another man (Mr. X) already drunk from a different pup as he was on his way home. Mr. A & Mr. B approached this Mr. X in other to resolve this issue once and for all. When Mr. X looked up spending much time looking up into the sky finally he said, well as for me, I’m a stranger in this neighborhood.
A man taking a woman home after their first date asks if he can come inside of a cup of coffee. “Oh, no,” she says, “I never ask a guy in on the first date.”
“Okay,” the man replies, “how about the last date?”Asia was by far my favorite destination,” the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. “Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.”
“What about the pagodas?” a man besides her asked. “Did you see them?”
“Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them.”A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful
Of you to wrap each piece separately.”
An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know who was it?"
The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"
The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England.
When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York."Q: How do you get a Pichachu on a stick?
A: Poke-him-onQ: What do you call it when you keep on going to the toilet just because the other guy does so?
A: Peer PressureA magician was facing an unruly crowd as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick'
One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside what is on the outside?
K9pAn sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer.
The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.
The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.
The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"Q. Why did the elephant cross the road?
A. Because it was the chicken's day off!
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He's alright now!
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Entertainment Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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