Caffeine Addict's Quiz:
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5.
a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
15.
a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16.
a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20.
a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22.
a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, "Sorry about your weight."
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey.A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.
Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?
A: Turn off the light.Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water.''
I went to a hot dog stand with my pet snake. I said," May I please have a hot dog for my snake?" The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of buns." I said, "My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!"
Q: What was Ludwig van Beethoven's favorite fruit?
A: Ba-na-na-na!Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There is no Menu - you get what you deserve!With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with. As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time. As a hood ornament. As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!" As a football for the after-meal game. One word... bowling! As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact. As a gift/bribe for a professor. As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!) As a doorstop to keep your relatives out. Makes a great doggie chew toy. Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun. An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie. A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from. Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks. If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed. Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!" Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature. Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals. Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul! Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!" Two words: Turkey puppet. Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock. Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you. From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog! As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.
Bachelor's Diet
MONDAY:
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
WEDNESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke
DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
THURSDAY:
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza
LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
FRIDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
SATURDAY:
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.
LUNCH - Ditto
DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
SUNDAY:
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up strait and tall!
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."My friend was adamant that onions are the only food that can make people cry. So to prove him wrong I smashed a coconut in his face!
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:
A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
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You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
Do you sell hot dogs? Because you know how to make a wiener stand.
The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.Two old timers were talking after church one day and the one asks the other, "So tell me brother, what did you think of the soul food this morning?" The other replies, "The food was excellent but the service sucked!"
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don't like fast food.I work at a local fast food joint. It cracks me up when a fat ass customer orders a quadruple stacked cheeseburger, with extra sauce, a ton of extras, extra large fries with extra sauce, and then orders a small diet coke.
Wife: I hate that beggar.
Husband: Why?
Wife: That rascal, yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a Cookbook!Nutella: A reason to buy bread.
Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.Q: Why were the Cocoa Puffs so afraid of their owner?
A: They heard that he was a cereal killer.A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.
A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."
By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
lose their appetites when they're depressed;
think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;
throw out stale potato chips;
will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;
think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;
try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;
have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;
think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
think banana splits are for kids.Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious
If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake.
You've got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.
Q: What do you call a sad coffee?
A: Depresso.A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Q: Did you hear about the fire in the bakery?
A: It burned 20 cakes and 30 loaves of bread, and there were plenty of hot cross buns!My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
"What's the worst part about eating your vegetables?"
Putting them back in their wheelchairs when you're all done."Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.Q: Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?
A: So they can take bubble baths.Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.
Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.
I just bought a cured ham; I wonder what it had.
I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
An angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: Yo, I ordered a Pizza and it came with no toppings on it or anything, Its just plain bread!
Domino’s: We’re extremely sorry to hear about this.
Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down!I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
VOL. 1 — Excerpted and annotated by Wayne M. HilburnIgnoring this culinary impoverishment, I've begun the process of compiling a new encyclopedia of cookery. The following entries are some of the more esoteric cooking terms that I've found. Where meanings are not exactly clear, I've added a splash of clarity. In other cases I've tossed in a sprig of wild guess. Some entries I've garnished with more than one possible explaination—cook's choice. AGED EGGNOG: Eggnog bought before Thanksgiving and forgotten till New Years's day. Sometimes called Eggnog Sour. ALLGAVER
BERGAKASE: A German round, hard cheese thought to be the inspiration for the invention of the wheel. ALLGAVER
RAHMKASE: A German round, soft cheese thought to be the inspiration for the invention of the flat tire. BARBECUE: From the French term "barbe-a-queue", meaning "from snout to tail". The word was in use in Virginia before 1700. BEARNAISE: A corruption of the phrase "bare knees", a garment resembling short trousers. Usually worn by visitors to Washington, D.C. In France, refers to a sauce. BEER COMB: A tool used for dressing up the head of a beer. BEESWING: A sediment found in old port wines and in soups served outdoors. BETTY: Layered fruit and bread crumbs dessert. The popular name for waitresses. BLANCH: To whiten by scaring or sudden boiling. The popular name for Southern cooks. BLEU: A misspelling of the word BLUE. CHINESE
ARTICHOKE: In Japan, known as the Japanese artichoke. In France, known as the French artichoke. Not related to the Jerusalem artichoke. COLLINS: The family name for a large group of professional bartenders. Also, "Rickey, Daisey, John and Tom". DRIVEL: The inedible secretions of snails. In Virginia, snails are collected from bush or vine, kept in a cool cellar and fed on tender green lettuce for a week or until they are plump. They are then thrown into a pail of salt and vinegar, and stirred vigorously with a stick. Through this procedure, the drivel is cast off, and the snails are washed under running water until the liquid is perfectly clear. EGADS: A mild oath used in the kitchen. FARCE: A French expression for stuffing, as in "honey, don't farce your face at the table." FIASCO: A round bottomed Italian bottle. The first attempts at exporting wine in these bottles were not successful. Later use of straw wrapping solved the breakage problem, but the term persists. FLAN PAN: Makes straight-sided flans. FOLD [EGGS]: Eggs cannot be folded unless they are first fried or dried flat. FRENCH TOAST: A pan-fried bread better known in Germany as German Toast. GELATIN: A disgusting extraction made from boiled calves feet, hartshorn shavings and sturgeon's bladders. After the French revolution, it was declared a nourishing food. People ate it because they had to. It now comes in fruit flavors. GERMAN TOAST: A pan-fried bread better known in France as French Toast. GIBLETS: Leftover chicken parts hidden in a thick gravy. Not otherwise eaten by finicky people. GINGER: A flavoring spice made from the root of a perennial, reedlike plant. The popular name for cooks in Southern California. HARD COOKED
EGGS: To get the green color ring between the white and yolk, you must subject eggs to long and violent cooking. HOE CAKE: An old-fashioned corn bread or cake, originally baked on the heated blade of a hoe. Do not try this in your microwave oven. ICE CREAM FORK: Early utensil used when the concept of ice cream was not well understood. KOLACHKY: A Czechoslovakian word for bartender. LAMB'S WOOL: An old English drink made with apples, spices, and heated ale. Traditionally served at Oxford University on Shrove Tuesday. MAMMEE APPLE: A barely edible fruit. A liqueur is distilled from its flowers, called "Eau de Creole". A gum exuding from the bark is used by the natives of the West Indies for destroying chiggers. MUM: A very strong ale brewed from malted wheat, oatmeal, beans and herbs. The British term for Mother. PAPAW: The edible fruit from a subtropical tree. The British term for father. PEMMICAN: This is said to be a Cree Indian word which, roughly translated, means "the least food with the most nourishment". Also called trail mix. PERRY: A fermented drink made from the juice of pears, as cider is made from apples. The popular name for bartenders in San Francisco. PFEFFERNEUSSE: A German Christmas cookie. PIPERINE: The active ingredient in black pepper. An alkaloid of pepper, which stimulates perspiration, thus having a cooling effect on the body if a sufficient amount is eaten. For this reason, pepper is widely used in the south. POACHED EGGS: These are illegal in most states and many countries. Do not buy or eat poached eggs, this just encourages the practice of poaching. POP: A colloquial name for any non-alcoholic effervescent beverage, given because of the characteristic sound produced by a cork as it is withdrawn or expelled from a bottle. Though corks have been largely supplanted by crimped bottle caps, the term has persisted. RECHAUFFE: A nice French word for reheated left-overs. REINDEER MILK: Contains 18 percent solids. In this area, reindeer milk is hard to come by. Generally speaking, reindeer do not like to be milked. RENNET: The gastric juice of calves extracted from the fourth stomach. Don't try this yourself, let experts do it. Where it is used for making cheese, the result is referred to as rennet cheese. ROBERT: One of the oldest of French brown sauces. Also, a common name for fast-food cooks. ROLY-POLY: A jam pudding. Served sliced, with cream or sweet sauce. Contains approximately 5,000 calories per serving. SAINT HONORE: A delicious French pastry, too complicated to be made at home. SAKE: The national liquor of Japan, produced from rice. Used by the natives of Japan, China and India, especially at their festivities. One of the most impressive of these is the Feast of the Bear at which time the blood of a young cub, imprisoned in a gilded cage and fattened for the occasion, is drunk in a solemn ritual from a special totemic spoon made by the native Amos of the island of Yeso. SALAMOAGONDI: Meatloaf made from leftovers. Discovered and made famous by an 18th century French chef named Gonis. SCALD: To heat a liquid to just below the boiling point. Also, to finger-test water temperature. SHIVOWITZA: The Hungarian word for male bartender. SINGE: To burn lightly or scorch the skin so that the hair is removed. SIRLOIN: The loin of beef knighted by James I of England, who was especially fond of that cut of meat. SLIVOVITZ: The Hungarian word for female bartender. SLOE GIN: A liqueur made with sloe berries. In France the drink is called "Eau De Vie de Prunelle des Vosges," but not very often. SQUIRREL: A tender tree climbing rodent. STIR: Blending several ingredients by moving their positions around by means of a spoon. Can be brisk movement but less aggressive than whipping or beating. STUFFED EGG: Use a hard cooked egg, cut in half crosswise, and remove yolk. Mix yolk with other stuff and put back into egg white. SUNDAE: An ice cream dish invented to circumvent a Massachusetts law prohibiting the sale of carbonated soft drinks on Sunday. TEA: A Chinese legend has it that the first cup of tea was produced by accident about 2,700 B.C. However, there was no generally accepted name for tea until about the 7th century A.D. TENDERLOIN: The tender part of the loin, what did you expect? TETE DE MAURE
CHEESE: Hardly ever asked for any more, it's too hard to pronounce. Another name for Edam cheese. TISANE: When ladies were ladies and never women, and a leg was discreetly called a limb, and it was fashionable for members of the feminine gender to be pale and delicate, and to faint prettily when afflicted with "vapors," the mildly stimulating tea called tisane was used to revive them. The tea lost favor when unescorted ladies were permitted in bars. TOM AND JERRY: A popular name for bar owners. TOSSING: Refers to mixing of ingredients by lifting repeatedly and allowing them to fall lightly. The laws of "random arrangement of free-falling objects" thereby produce the mixture. TRIPE: The clean white tissue of a steer's stomach. Active ingredient in hot dogs. TROTTERS: The feet of calves, pigs, sheep, etc., used for food. TRUFFLE: Superstitious Romans thought that truffles were sown by thunderbolts in autumn storms. Why not? It makes perfect sense. Have you ever known a Roman who was not superstitious? USQUEBAUGH: A Celtic word from which came the modern term whisky. (Literally: water of life) VASTERBOTTENSOST: A Swedish cheese with a pungent, rather bitter taste, and is not ready to eat until twelve to eighteen months old, if ever. It is still made in northern Sweden for some reason. WORCESTERSHIRE
SAUCE: Used freely by the ancient Phoenicians, and after that by the early Romans, primarily as a jump-start in the mornings. Later the English made the product in Worcester, England, whence it gets its present name. XANTHIA: A heavy-duty cocktail made of brandy, gin and wine. YAVA: Short form of Yava-Dava-Doo. An intoxicating drink made by the Polynesian natives. ZOMBIE: A potent novelty drink, named for the walking dead of West African and West Indian voodoo lore. ZYTHUM: An ancient beverage made from malt and wheat. Now known as beer. A popular name for bartender in Turkey.The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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Cannibals like to meat people.
The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”
Submitted by James.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready.
Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . .
"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson
"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen
"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck
"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin
"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso
"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert OrbenHow did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
“May I take your order, sir?” the waiter asked.
“Yes. How do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”
Submitted by Jameson.
You must work at subway...cause you`re givin` me a foot long.
Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?
A: You tell her the food is on the house.Q: Why did was the Mexican fast food vendor arrested?
A: He was planning a tacover.Q: Why don't Mexicans like to barbecue?
A: Because the beans fall through the grill.Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Q: What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?
A: A walnut.Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
M&M's: The Theory of Evolution
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."Yo momma so fat her favorite food is seconds.
Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 16: Turk the carvey
Step 17: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 19: Bless the saying, pass and eat outA man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Q: What kind of candy do Indians give out on Halloween?
A: Dots.An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?
I'm Only Here For The Free Food
I want you more then a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Yo momma is so stupid she ate her food stamps.
Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and
everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his
fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of
the fork are you referring to?'Q: Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
A: Neither have they.Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess"
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.
Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.
Immersion
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip, three pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man. Barely able to conceal his pride."
The man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An ImpastaQ: What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A: The black one steals your watch.Yo momma's so poor, when I told her about the Last Supper, she thought the food stamps had run out.
A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee.
Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of
chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee,
the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not
eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and
disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the
stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're
not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little
acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction.
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of
chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds.
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into
the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said
"I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs!Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.
One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. After few days, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted.
“I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box.
“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”
Submitted by Jase.
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib!
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one cannibal looks the other one and says...
"Does this meat taste funny to you?"My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter. She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow.
“What’s the difference?” Sean asked.
“Hello?” replied the girl, sighing and rolling her eyes. “The COLOR is different!”
Submitted by Adam.
MONDAY:
Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when my friends came over for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
New salad recipe: prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. This led to the neighbors wondering whey why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When
I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out another new recipe on. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to do a Chocolate Moose.This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.
While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.
Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.
Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.
By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you are eveready I am frito-lay.From Reuters News Service:
Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.Nutella: Noun
God's favourite spreadable condiment; typically manufactured by pixies in the magical Land of Yum.A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.Where do poor meatballs live?
In the spaghetto.You are a lousy cook if...
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.What does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"Here about the kid who at 5 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting?
They say he later had a massive 'vowel' movement.An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill you." A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat all the food on this plate, I'll kill myself."
Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates.....(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off.
The Eight Worst Convenience Foods
And I thought nothing could top Hormel's pickled eggs ...
8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up as a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level."Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said.I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.
"Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."Q: What's a race car's favorite thing to eat for lunch?
A: Fast food!Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up.If tomatoes are a fruit, isn't ketchup a smoothie?
Anyone can sit here and buy you drinks. I want to buy you dinner!
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”
Submitted by Fredy.
From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75
Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:NEWIMPROVED Made the old fashioned way
Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."
Heard on a radio station.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!A crab walks into a bar and asks for something to drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we do not serve food."
Friday, 26 February 2016
Food Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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