Student to God:
God, why didn't you stop that tragedy in the Littleton schoool?
God to student:
I am not allowed in schools.Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked,
"Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the
confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!
The last time politics was mixed with religion, people were burned at the stake.
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one
started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you . . ."The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a
minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway."A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take."A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an
evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to
the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You
bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and
get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.
Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been
studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on
Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham
thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get
to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers?
They sold their souls to Santa.A woman had been teaching her three-year-old daughter, the "Lord's Prayer". She carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
15. Democrat Catchers
14. NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)
13. Pastor Baiters
12. Mounds of Shame
11. Heavenly Canteens
10. Pearly Weights
9. Hooteronomies
8. Pizza Pizza
7. Sweater Undulations
6. The Daughters of Lactiticus
5. Racks of lambs of God
4. Communion Woofers
3. First and Second Mammalonians
2. Pamela 36:D
and the Number 1 Christian Coalition-Approved Nickname for Breasts...
1. BeelzeboobsA priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations! You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens
the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he
opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for yet another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst . . .
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because . . . you're not a monk!One day St. Peter was sitting at the steps of the gates to heaven, fiddiling with his fingers, then suddenly he
hears "excuse me sir, I recollect your supposed to let me in heaven."
St. Peter looks up and he sees Forrest Gump. So he stands up tall and starts by saying, "In order for me to let you in, I must ask you 3 questions."
Forrest says, okay hit me." St. Peter asks," How many seconds are in a year?"
It takes Forrest some time to answer and then he comes up with,"Okay, I'm ready now."
St. Peter says well give me your answer."
Forrest says,"there are 12 seconds in a year."
St. Peter asks,"Well how did you come up with that answer?"
Forrest replies,"Well sir, see i took my time on this one and i thought about it over and over in my head
and i thought, hey, Jan. 2, feb. 2, mar. 2..."
St. Peter says, "Well that answers pretty good so I'll give you the next one. How many days of the week start
with the letter 'T'?"
Forrest replies, "Hhuumm....okay sir my answer is today and tomorrow"
Well St. Peter doesn't want to know were that answer came from so he lets it swing by. St. Peter asks the
third question, "Whats gods first name?"
Forrest was thinking on this one really hard, so he asks "Can I go back to earth and think about this one?"
St. Peter says okay you got 2 days."
So Forrest went to earth and then came back 2 days later and he came back running and screaming, " I got it, I got it," all out of breath he says to St. Peter, " It's Howard."
St. Peter looks puzzled and asks, "How did you get that?"
Forrest says, "I found it in the Bible, it read: Our father, who art in heaven, HOWARD be thy name."* It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
* Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
* Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
* Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons . . . come hear one.
* Parking is for Church patrons only. Violators will be baptized.What did Jesus say at the Last Supper? If you boys want to get in the picture, sit on this side of the table.
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a
nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick
and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He
talks about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic
family. God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding? What happened next?'"The following statements are said to have been written by actual children and, as far as we know, are genuine,
authentic and not retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the
apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived
in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang
the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12
decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called
monotony.Seen on a parking space in a church's parking lot in Edinburgh, IN
"Clergy parking only - you park, you preach!"NOTE: If you are easily offended by biblical jokes, do NOT read this.
--------------------------------
A teacher asked her clase, "What's the strechiest substance in the World?"
Up jumped little Tommy, "I know this one sir."
"Yes Tommy, what would say is the most stretchy substance in the world?"
"Human skin sir." said Tommy.
"I don't think so, but what makes you say that it's human skin Tommy?"
"It says so in the Bible sir."
"I can't recall reading this in the Bible Tommy. Perhaps you could quote it for us." said the teacher.
"Yes sir. It says " . . . and Jesus tied his Ass to a tree and walked 3 miles into Jerusalem."Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition.
Well there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of
rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly
ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the Last Supper.God appears to the people of the world and says that he will in three days flood the earth again.
Soon afterwards the Pope appears on world-wide television and sends all Catholics the message that they must pray and ask for forgiveness of their sins so they may go to heaven.
Next a Protestant representative urges all Protestants to clean up all of their business and put their affairs right in preparation for the end of the world.
Finally their appears a Jewish leader who looks out at the world television audience and says "Jews of the world . . . You have only three days to learn to live underwater!One morning the Pope awoke in his bedchamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.; Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.
"Doctor, this should not be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm celibate! I haven't had one of these for 50 years!"
The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time". The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn't going away!"
The doctor replied "You have two options... either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself."
Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknownst to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away.
The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up. The paparazzo shouts out, "Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?"
Upon reflection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying "Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world."
Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, "But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I'll lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!"
The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. "Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?"
Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter's, with the offending camera around his neck.
Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:
"Very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope," says the man, "how much you pay for it?"
"Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie," he replies, "I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it."
"Ah," says the Japanese gentleman, "look like someone saw you coming!"THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.A mercenary preacher was traveling back from a mission of peace through the jungle when all of a sudden he realized that a lion was behind him. He tried to run, but knowing that he could not outrun the lion, dropped down and started to pray.
Unexpectedly, everything became quiet and when he looked, the lion was praying also.
The priest said to the lion, "I didn't know lions prayed."
The lion replied, "You are praying. I'm saying grace before I gobble you up!"What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
Answer: They both have the same middle name.(THE)There are 100 nuns in a nunnery. One day the Mother Superia calls an emergancy meeting.
"Nuns" she says, "a terrible thing has happened. I have found a condom."
At the news 99 nuns went "Oh no!" and 1 went "Ha ha ha ha."
"If the Arch Bishop ever found out he would close us down!" the Mother Superia said.
Once again 99 went "Oh no!" and 1 laughed.
"It gets worse" the Mother Superia continued, "It was used!"
Again, 99 went "Oh no!" and one laughed.
"To top it all off," the Mother Superia finished, "It had a hole in it!"
This time 99 laughed and one went "Oh no!!!"Question: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Answer: A roamin' catholic.There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd
take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.
Finally, one of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.
The scientist says to God, "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really
don't need you."
God nods understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What d'ya think?"
The scientist says, "Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."
The scientist: "Sure! No problem" The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"
God replies, "No, no. You go get your own dirt."The 23rd Channel
The TV is my shepherd, I shall not want.
It maketh me to lie down on the sofa;
It leadeth me away from faith;
It destroys my soul;
It leadeth me into the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors sake.
Yea, though I walk through the shadow of my Christian responsibilities,
there is no interruption, for the TV is with me;
Its cables and remote control, they comfort me.
It prepareth a commercial for me in the presence of my worldliness.
It annointeth my head with humanism and consumerism; my coveting runneth over.
Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house, just watching TV all the time.St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again,
"God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"
Still nothing . . . and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The priest looks confused at all this but goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."
The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning."
The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your Holiness, what is it you want."
The Bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."A recently married minister went to his congregation, informed them of his wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise that would
allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.
After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.
Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"
"Snow and rain are acts of God too." a man at the back of the room said, "But most of us wear rubbers."A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzo ball soup."
On seeing the 2 large matzo balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. Liking it, he quickly finished the soup.
"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzo?"A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate'," said the head monk.A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!"Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.
After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve . . . We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but
you could see it a whole lot better.
---Ellen DeGeneresA young Talmud scholar who left Poland for America returns several years later to visit his family. "But where is your beard?" asks his mother. "Mama, in America nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business is business. In America, people work on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America it's very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady hesitates for a moment and then, in a hoarse whisper, she says, "Shloime, tell me one thing. Are you still circumcised?"
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer,
he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you
gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.
One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'
The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'
The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'Little Anne had been exceedingly naughty and during the dinner hour she was forced to eat alone in the corner at a card table. When everyone was seated, Father bowed his head and gave thanks.
Then little Anne gravely bowed her head and said "Thank You Dear Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of my enemies."In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of
the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure.
But the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?
I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook
them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own
platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not
have to toil to change channels
between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken.
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling
righteous because he had to drink
twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon
returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the
divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you>>
should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom."
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other
way."
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at
the top of the stairs and he proceeded to the
restroom.
After a few minutes, the pastor came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, God made you," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a nearby mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."Q: What goes, "clip clop, clip clop, bang! bang! bang! clippity clop, clippity clop?"
A: A drive by shooting in an amish neighborhood!A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice.
He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach
chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11".Q: Why did God create Adam before creating Eve?
A: Because every great eartist makes a rough copy before he creates the masterpiece.A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex.
When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so
he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days
later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as
he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly
walk, and the second time he fell off."One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.
"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.
"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."
"Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meeting house one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a brandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel. "Ferdinand, old boy," shouted Sir Roger, "Back so soon from the Peoples' Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it."
Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie old boy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world, shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese."
"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," asked Sir Thomas. "Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Or perhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?"
"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," replied Ferdinand, "But, no, I was invited to help exorcize an abandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowed to restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further extol the glories of the People's Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent the further loss of their traditions.
"But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple, at being physically attacked!"
"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, prying loose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eye ornaments in enormous idols?"
"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghoot explained. "He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis."
"Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief.
"Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of all sizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with a mystical weapon that produces very real physical damage."
"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said Sir Edmund, "You're well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate."
Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down for quite a while, I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a 'purba' that can pierce ghostly flesh."
"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.
"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-chopping sword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.
"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drew us forward I stabbed her with the 'purba,' and she vanished.
"Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at Lama Mipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, 'PHAT!' and she vanished."
"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.
"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir Ferdinand, "There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham and I vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutive size (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy."
Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."
Feghoot nodded. . . . "She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini." (ByAdam E. Ek based on a character by Reginald Bretner)One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was acting up during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the
minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the minister.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,>cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . . . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . . . So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to woman."Grandma writes:
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise
the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love ya all,
GrandmaTwo priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify
them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and Aloha shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The
next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying MaiTais, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous redhead in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then
passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These outfits were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw
them. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous redhead, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, "Good Morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O'Toole," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!"A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again,
"God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"
Still nothing . . . and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!The Devil Made Me Do It.
Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM".
When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.
Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away.
Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging
comfortably in his pew.
"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.
The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."
Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years!"A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.
The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on
backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The Jewish man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many."
The Jewish man quickly answered "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the
vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher
asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?"
The bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs.
"Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun.
"Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the
second nun.
No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield.
"Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared.
"Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun.
No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack.
"NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun.
The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly.
The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off my car, you foul little vampire before I smack you with a ruler!"A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."Three nuns arrive at the pearly gates, and are told that because they have devoted their lives to the world they can return to Earth and live it up for three months, taking on the identity of whatever person they should choose.
The first nun said she wanted to return as Helen of Troy.
"Why Helen?" asked St Peter.
Because she was so beautiful, and rememembered for it, while we have had to cover ourselves all our lives.
Her wish granted, the second nun was given her chance and decided to return as Florence Nightingale, so that the good work she had done might be recognised by all the world.
This, too, was readily granted.
The third nun said she wanted to return as Sarah Pippolini.
"Who in the name of all that's wonderful is Sarah Pippolini!!?" asked an curious St Peter.
"Well, I'm not sure either," said the nun (who, we suspect, was blonde under the habit), "but see what it says here in this newspaper." With a gleam in her eye she held up a newspaper clipping showing a photo of some oilworkers and the proud headline: "Sahara pipeline laid by 300 men in 30 days!"Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing when Jesus says, "I want to perform a miracle so it will feel like the good old days."
Moses says, "Yeah, sure."
So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on water, that was always a good one."
So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water and sinks like a stone. Moses drags him back into the boat and revives him.
Moses says, "What's the problem?"
Jesus replies, "I don't know, but it could be these holes in my feet!"GOD AND EVE SPEAK
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake,? but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely.? And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.? I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time.? But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you.? He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well.? He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.""As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
bloopers:
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.Two men were deserted on an island. One man was pacing back and forth, back and forth. He was crying. "We're never getting off this island!! All my relatives are gonna blow all my money that I've worked so hard for. I'm a millionare ya know!"
The other man just sat there and looked at the man and said, "Yes, I'm a millionare too."
The man that was pacing just stared then finally asked, "You're not scared that your family's gonna blow it all, and that we're gonna die on this island?"
The man responded, "No, I'm not gonna die on this island. You see, I go to church, and my pastor's gonna find me!"The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I
am going to make it rain until the whole world is
covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and
two of every living thing on the planet. I am
ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for the
ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and
the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked
down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A
lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside
Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my
best, but there were some big problems. First, I had
to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to
hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a
long argument with him about whether to include a
sprinkler system.
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for
the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got
sued by an animal rights group that objected to me
taking along only two of each kind.
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.
Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has
seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the
state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
don't think I can finish the ark in less than five
years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to
shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?"
Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I will grant you eternal life."
"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never believed in God."
God walked up to another man and made the same offer.
"Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case."
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he said excitedly. "Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100."Three women were bragging about their sons.
The first woman jumped up and said, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Emminence!'"
Not to be outdone, the second woman says, "My boy is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Excellency!'"
Then the last woman looks at the others and says, "I don't know about YOUR boys, but my son is 17 years old and weighs 500 lbs. Whenever he walks into a Church they always say 'OH MY GOD!'"In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She
knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang
Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping the
clothes off this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather
jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest
tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs.
The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"
Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur . . . so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyem pay retail!"One day there was a preacher that was expressing to his deacons how upset he was that his brand new bike had been stolen.
The last place that he could remember leaving it was outside the church. So he figured someone at the church had to have stolen it.
One of his deacons came up with the idea of preaching a sermon on the 10 Commandments, in hope that the bike would be returned out of guilt.
Of course,the preacher agreed.
That Sunday morning, he began to get into his sermon and started the 10 Commandments.
1.Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
2.Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image....
and so on he went until he came to thou shalt not commit adultery and the preacher stopped preaching and ended his sermon.
After church the deacons asked the preacher why he stopped half way through the sermon and he replied that he remembered where his bike was.A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When
I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"NOTE: Possibly Offensive Joke
DO NOT READ if you are easily offended.
------------
A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and
the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the trash as well.
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification.
The man produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called "Gilligan's Island." There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of Hell.
Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:
Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.
Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.
The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.
Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.
Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.
The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.
This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.
Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except one fellow near the back.
"Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat.A hungry bee meets a fellow bee who directs the hungry one to a Bar Mitzvah. The hungry bee eats his fill, then again meets his friend.
The second bee asks how it went, and hears that his friend ate plenty. The second bee then asks why the first bee is wearing a yarmulke (the small round cap that religious Jews often wear).
The first bee replies, "It was a Bar Mitzvah. I didn't want anyone to think I was a WASP."A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the
river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn 365, "Shall we gather at the river."A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to
the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?" asked the minister.
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the kids where Jesus lives. The teacher picked on one of the kids.
"Jesus lives in my heart."
"Very good." said the teacher.
She picks on another kid who replies, "Jesus lives in Heaven."
Very good said the teacher.
Little Johnny is in the back just waving his hand to be called on. The teacher didn't want to call on little Johnny but finally did.
"Jesus lives in the bathroom."
After a moment, the teacher asked why he lived in the bathroom.
"Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and asks Jesus Christ are you still in there?"In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."The farmer was out working in his field, about a half mile from his house.
In the distance, he sees his six year old son running to him. When the son arrives, he tells his father that a preacher has showed up unannounced. The father asks his son which local preacher it is. The son responds that he hasn't seen him before.
The farmer tells his son that he has a little more work to do before he can head back to the house.
He tells his son to go back to the house and ask the preacher if he is a Methodist. If he says yes, then go hide the fried chicken that his mom is making.
If the preacher says he is a Protestant, then the son is to go hide his moonshine.
If the preacher says that he is a Baptist, the son is to sit on his mother's lap until he gets there!
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,
pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the
Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great
physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"
Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof* . . . the light goes on when I go
to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and
then *poof* the light goes off?"
Becky replied, "The darn fool! . . . He's peeing in the fridge again!"An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.
"God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ."A group of boys were going to confession one sunday. The first boy, John, says:
Father, I've done something terrible.
What have you done, John?
I fucked a girl.
Who was it?
I can't tell you, father, she would never permit it.
Well, John, was it Mary M?
No, father, I can't tell you.
Was it Heather S, John?
No father I can't tell you.
Well, John, was it Meghan C?
I can't tell you father.
Alright, John, your penence is 5 Our Fathers.
Thank you father.
Upon this he leaves the confessional, and the second boy asks him:
What did you get, John?
5 Our Fathers and 3 Good Leads!PLEASE NOTE: If you find jokes about Christianity offensive... DO NOT READ THIS JOKE!
------------------
Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status of World's
Meek- 'Screw the Meek,' Says Pope
VATICAN CITY--In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional "blessed" status of the world's meek.
"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, 'Blessed are the meek,'" said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals. "However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek that this 'blessed' status was conditional upon their inheritance of the Earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated."
"Screw the meek," the pope added.
Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by the world's impoverished and downtrodden, the pope contended that the meek's historic inability to improve their worldly status constituted "bad faith" on their part.
"Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to inherit the earth," the Supreme Pontiff said. "For years, the Catholic Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is enough. We are patient, but we are not saints."
Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.
"The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now," said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston. "From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have collected the Catholic Church's spiritual welfare checks for long enough."
"Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy," Cardinal Jean-Claude Turcotte of Montr?al said. "Sitting back and expecting the Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the Church should be rewarding its followers."
The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics, though more than 80 percent of the world's Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from such people.
"The meek's blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner," the Pope said, "especially in light of the financial goals of the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day forward, the Church position shall be, 'Blessed are the affluent, for they have indeed inherited the Earth.'"
In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels. Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a rustic-but-spacious birthing suite and not a manger, with the amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and the episode between Christ and the moneylenders in the temple shall from now on be interpreted as an internecine argument over appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics.
According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with blessedness and God's everlasting love free of charge once a nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an additional fee, Catholics can become "Gold Circle" members of the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness, sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of the Father upon death.
"We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary,' Vittorio said. "If any of the former meek wish to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it won't be the free ride they got before, I can promise you that."
"The Lord will provide, of course," the pope said. "But He also helps those who help themselves, if you know what I mean."A couple made a deal that which ever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
Mary... Mary....
Is that you Fred?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon, supper, then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Texas."A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to combine their finances and buy a car together. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tail pipe.Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."An elderly Jewish man was admitted to the local hospital, which happened to be run by a Catholic order. All the nurses were nuns.
One of the nurses was preparing his records and she asked him who would be responsible for his bill.
"I don't have any money," the old man told her.
"Do you have any family?"
"I have one sister who changed her religion and became a nun, so she's an old maid."
"I'll have you know that we're not old maids," the nurse protested. "We're married to Christ."
"In that case," the old man replied, "send the bill to my brother-in-law."A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and
invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew
available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons
enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher,
"Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs.
For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the
congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled
worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and said PMS Is in the Bible, he showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.
The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to
brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered."
The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the
most devout of believers."
Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price
was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened,
and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.There was a man who was fed up with modern society, and decided to become a Monk. He checked out a number of monasteries and chose one he liked. The only reservation he had with it was, he had to take a vow of silence and could only say two words every one year. He took the vow and began his first year of service without saying a word.
At the end of one long year he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say.
His response was "FOOD BAD."
And that was it for another long year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After two years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say.
His response was: "MORE BLANKETS."
And that was it for another long year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After three years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and asked what two words he would like to say.
His response was: "I QUIT!"
The head Monk answered back: "You might as well. You have done nothing but complain since you have been here!"One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to
ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."Two old Jewish guys are walking down the street. They pass a church. A sign on the church says "Convert with us, and we pay you $500."
One of the guys says to his friend, "I could sure use the money. I'll go for it."
His friend declines, and goes off.
The first guy sees the priest and asks about this offer. "Yes," the priest says, "Take our conversion classes. At the end of the classes, you convert, and we pay you $500."
The Jewish guy agrees, goes through the process, and gets his $500.
Weeks later, he sees his old buddy. "How're you doing?" asks his friend. "Did you convert?"
"Yes, yes," says the converted Jew.
"And? Did you get your five hundred dollars?"
The converted Jew stares at his old friend. "Money, money, money," he sneers, "is that all you people think about?"A couple was making love when all of a sudden there were keys opening the door. The woman said, "Hide! It's my husband!"
The guy jumped into the closet only to hear a voice saying, "It sure is dark in here."
The guy replied, "Who is that?"
The voice replied, "I am the son and I am going to tell!"
The guy said, "No! Please! I'll give you $20."
The kid replied, "No. I am going to tell!"
The guy begged, "Please! I only have $40 and you can have it if you don't tell."
The kid took the money and once the husband went to the store, the guy was able to escape.
The next day the kid went to his mom to ask for the bike he had always wanted.
Mom replied, "Son, we don't have the money."
The kid quickly answered, "I have $40!"
Suprised, his mother asked where he got the money, but the child would not answer.
Angry, the mother took the kid by the ear, marched him down to the church and tossed him into the confession booth.
Upset, the kid shouted, "Hey! It's dark in here!"
The preacher in the confessional replied, "Oh don't start that again!"Q: If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
A Illinois man who left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it
in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.
P.S.: Sure is hot down here.Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"A local pastor allows prayer requests at the beginning of each service.
Once, someone had an upcoming biopsy and asked for a prayer to be said.
Unfortunately, when the priest made the prayer, he asked everyone to pray for the person's autopsy.Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts.
---Nan RobertsonA little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "Smiling. God just keeps taking pictures of me."A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"
The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.
"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"
"No," said the other.
"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."
"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?" asked the first.
"Yes?" said the second.
"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the Chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
He looked at her and replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here and it's difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'Dog.'"
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was pleased.
And the Dog was pleased.
And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made
an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the
shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my
donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head.
He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.
There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had
no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery,
but soon lost his way.
After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The
hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby
tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that
the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the
service.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd
better tell him that's a septic tank."A priest, a Buddhist and a rabbi are discussing what each would like to be said at their funeral.
The priest said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who followed the path of Jesus."
The buddist said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who strived for enlightenment."
The rabbi said that he would like somone to say, "LOOK! He's moving!"After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back
"Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.
A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"
But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me."
The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away.
The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"
Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me."
The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.
The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"
Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me."
With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat.
The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!!"
The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away.
The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?"
God then replied, " I sent you a car,a raft,a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?"A Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed
off a little.
The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than
usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming
mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.A family recently moved to New Jersey. The first night as the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2, to bed, she said, "Let's say our prayers to Jesus."
The little boy asked, "Did he move with us too?"A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS!"
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:
"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:
"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:
"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"
The Bishop was buried the next day.Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a
good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9,
Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a
sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my
father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon
about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at
church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9,
Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my
brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you
moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more
important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to
California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need
God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I
don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my
house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely,
Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in
my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was
finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do
you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely,
Marie. Age 9, LewistonQ: Why did Jesus Christ stop playing hockey?
A: Because he got nailed to the boards.There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord &
said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a
peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him
that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will
be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind
him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of
adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes,
he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't care one way or the other.Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT !!"There were three boys that went into confession to tell their bad deeds.
The first one entered and said, "Father, please forgive me for I have cursed at my parents."
And the priest replied, "Say 3 Hail Mary and drink of the Holy Water."
The next boy entered, and said, "Father, please forgive me for I cheated on my math test yersterday."
And the priest replied, "Say 6 Hail Mary and drink of the Holy Water."
The last little boy entered and said, "Father, please forgive me for I have peed in the Holy water."A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a
few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so
they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so
they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the
lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that.A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" "Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
So they fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed the clouds opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel . . ."A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very
close to nature and even close to God.
He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."
The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then he looked to the sky again and said,
"God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."
The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also
puzzled. The preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."A Protestant died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after arriving, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said, "Hey Bill, Welcome to Hell! Here's the keys to your Porsche. Let's go visit your beachhouse!"
Before the befuddled man could answer, the Devil whisked him into the Porsche and off they went. Arriving at the beachhouse, the man could only stare in awe at the magnificent mansion before him. The Devil handed the keys to the mansion and the sportscar to the man whose mouth was hanging open in amazement and said, " Well, Bill, I'll check up on you in two weeks. Enjoy!" And as suddenly as he had appeared, the devil disappeared.
His incredulity fading somewhat, Bill went into the mansion and found everything to be first class with running servants, an indoor pool ... the whole nine yards. For two weeks, he lived like a king.
After two weeks had elapsed, the Devil suddenly appeared and asked the man, "Well, Bill, how is Hell treating you? Great place, isn't it! By the way, I have another client to see so I can't stay. Any problems? We aim to please down here in Hell."
Bill replied that he certainly was having a grand time and that he'd not been prepared for such royal treatment. In fact, he had been expecting Dante's Inferno or something similar.
The Devil laughingly replied "No, Bill. Those are just old wives tales. This is the way Hell really is! Great place, isn't it?"
Bill then said that everything was fine except that at night, he'd been hearing these terrible blood-curdling screams emanating from the nearby island out in the ocean. This was so disturbing that he'd had to take an occasional sleeping pill. He then leaned over and whispered to the Devil, "Tell me really. Is that what's in store for me? After all, this IS Hell."
The Devil could not stop laughing at this and with tears streaming down his eyes, he said "No, you've got it all wrong. Those people on the island are the Catholics. They DEMAND it!"One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry at you."A rabbi, burdened by the importance of his work, went into the synagogue to pray. Falling to his knees, he lamented, "O Lord, I am nothing! I am nothing!"
Just then a Jewish judge passed by and overhearing the prayer was moved to join the rabbi on his knees. Shortly, he too, was crying aloud, "O Lord, I too am nothing! I am nothing!"
The janitor of the temple, awed by the sight of the two men praying joined them, crying, "O Lord, I also am nothing! I am nothing!"
At this, the judge nudged the rabbi and said, "Now look who thinks he's nothing!"
Friday, 26 February 2016
Religion Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
Author Description here.. Nulla sagittis convallis. Curabitur consequat. Quisque metus enim, venenatis fermentum, mollis in, porta et, nibh. Duis vulputate elit in elit. Mauris dictum libero id justo.