Retirement Jokes

• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.




• Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!

• Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?""Outstanding," Fred replied."They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me.""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?""You mean a rose?""Yes, that's it!"He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

• Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

• What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

• A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing lost of curly silver hair.She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” and she processes his Social Security application.When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

• Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

• Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''

• Girl: My GrandFather Lived For 96 Years & He Never Used Glasses. Boy: Yeah I Know, Few People Drink Directly From Bottle.

• Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

• “Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.”The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked.“He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.

• Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

• An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship."How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively."I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

• My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards.“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”

• Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. “What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

• An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

• An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?""Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream.""Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.""My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"

• The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.– Abe Lemons

• A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.""That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'"Twenty-six," he said.

• A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

• A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.'What are you doing dear?''Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?' The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."

• Games for when we are older:1) Sag, You're it.2) Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.3) 20 questions shouted into your good ear.4) Kick the bucket.5) Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.6) Doc Doc Goose.7) Simon says something incoherent.8) Hide and go pee.9) Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.10) Musical recliners.

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

• A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen. The two men were talking and one said, “We've been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.”The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?”“You must mean roses,” he replied.“That’s it,” said the man. He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we like?”

• Three old guys are out walking.First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”Second one says, “No, its Thursday!”Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”

• You know youre fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.

• One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she says, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”Mable answered, “I have a suppository in my EAR?”She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m awfully glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

• An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”"I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing upand down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?””Who said my Dad’s dead?”The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?”“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beachfor a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when hedied?””Who said my grandpa’s dead?”Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing withyou this morning too?”“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?””Who said he wanted to?”

• A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?""Yes, I’m afraid so," the doctor told her.There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this rescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’."

• Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

• A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals.So he went to every house in his town.To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening."Who's the boss around here?" he asked."I am." said the man."I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one.""No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said."Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have.In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

• Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.Personally, we didn't care.We came into town by bus.

• "Hi! My name is Gertrude," said the lady next to him on the plane. "It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary eyed."After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. "You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me.. what do you think about my Grandson!"

• When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa... peacefully... sleeping... unlike the passengers in his car.

• A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

• After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.

• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

• An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond. So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer.Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”No response.She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

• An old man goes to his doctor. The doctor says "I got some bad news for you. you have Cancer and you have Alzheimer's."And the old man says "At least I don't have Cancer."

• Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gatheredthe courage to ask her, ” Will you marry me?”After about six seconds of ‘ careful consideration’ , she answered “Yes. Yes, I will. ”The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

• While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did.I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot? He said;"See those mountains over there" and he pointed to them."I replied, "Yes.""Well," he replied, ".. if you can't see those mountains, that means it's raining. If you can see them, that means it's going to rain."

• A couple celebrating their 50th anniversary had many well wishers stop by to congratulate them. After all of their guest had left, the two settled into recliners.“Mother,” the man said, “our marriage is tried and true.”“What’s that you say?” she asked. “You know I can’t hear without my hearing aid.”“I said, our marriage is tried and true,” he repated, a little louder.

• What is so special about the retirement age?"It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job."

• A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.“There is no hurry,” she told the clerk, “just so the package is delivered in my lifetime.”He glanced at her and said, “That will be $3.95, please.”

• How do you get four old ladies to shout "F*ck"?Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

• Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions."

• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

• Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

• An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

• An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?”“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.”Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker.“After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”

• An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway"."It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

• A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer.The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!I soiled myself."The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went Roooaarrrrr!"

• One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask."It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

• Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

• You must keep in shape.My grandmother started walking five kilometers when she was 60 and now she's 97, and we don't have a clue where she is!

• Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

• A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

• Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

• An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.“The food and service were great!” he said.His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?”“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”

• A third old woman, full of happiness, asks her granddaughter; "My sweety, remind me please.. What’s the name of that German guy that blew my mind off...?""Alzheimer, granny!"

• An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.”The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

• An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Jase, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won?t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I?m just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad. A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, For heaven?s sake, don?t dig up that garden, that?s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase. At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad. Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It?s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.

• My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She'd say "Knock knock."We'd say "Who's there?". Then she'd say "I can't remember" and start to cry.

• A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

• A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

• I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

• A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”“Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?”“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”

• I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

• Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time? A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

• Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

• My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology." So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!" Then I disconnected his life support.

• The retired man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts." The doctor replies, "OK. Touch your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.The doctor, surprised, then states, "Touch your head." The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days. Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, "We've found your problem." "Oh yeah? What is it?" asks the retiree. The Doctor remarks, "You've broken your finger!"

• THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 601) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7) Things you buy now won't wear out.8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.14) You sing along with elevator music.15) Your eyes won't get much worse.16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.20) You can't remember the Web site where you saw this list.

• I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.

• A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.Doctor said: "It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age."Patient: "The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?"

• Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

• ”Hey grandma, did you see my pills? They write LSD on the box outside!””Screw the pills, didn’t you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they’re cramming for their final exam.”

• An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”The woman then gave the officer her license.“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”The old man replied, “He said he knows you!

• An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras."

• A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”“Twelve thirty.”

• Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?He decided to stick it out for one more year!

• An elderly retired couple went to a doctor. The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly. Will you look at us?" "Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love. "You are making love perfectly," the doctor said. "That will be $10." They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!" "She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house.A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."

• Doctor: "Sir, I have some bad news; you have been diagnosed with cancer and Alzheimers."Old man: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

• Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a conversation one fine Sunday evening. One remarked to the other, ‘I got a new hearing device and it works fine?' The second said, ‘oh yes, my grandchildren just love the gifts of my choice.'The third one who noticed the hearing device in the ear of the first one asked, what kind is it?' The one with the brand new hearing device answered ‘about 6 O'clock'. All three of them looked up in the birds in the sky and said, "Birds of the same feather ‘flock' together."

• A 65 year old blonde has a baby.All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”A little later they ask to see the baby again.Again the mother says “not yet.”Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

• An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide. The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "You call that a lining?"

• A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly. She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right.One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said "Don’t you think it’s time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?"

• A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"

• My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.It was my grandfather.

• Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

• When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”I said, “Well, why are you crying?”He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

• What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.

• What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.

• A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa Morris gets out.The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldn’t find his way home.” Oy Morris “, said grandma, ” You’ve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ?” Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear. Morris whispered, ” I wasn’t lost…..I was just too tired to walk home.”

• Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

• It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces."SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

• I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

• Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

• A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest.?The horse says, “I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!" ”?The bee says, “I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!" The old geezer says.... (We're waiting.....)

• As my grandmother and I were walking towards the United Nations Building in New York City, we came upon a street evangelist who was trying to get the attention of passersby. He urged those near him to flee from the wrath to come.“I warn you,” he roared, “that there will be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth!”An old woman in the crowd shouted snidely: “Sir, I have no teeth!”“Lady,” the evangelist retorted, “teeth will be provided!”

• Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

• A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.

• An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.

• An elderly couple was attending church services.About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband."I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

• An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."

• How do I know that my youth is all spent?Well, my get up and go has got up and went.But in spite of it all I am able to grinwhen I recall where my get up has been.

• The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".

• A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

• How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

• The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

• Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

• Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at eight o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at nine o'clock sharp I wake up."

• A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”

• Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

• A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

• Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, “You know, I’m 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”The other guy says, “Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.”“Really,” says the first guy.“Yep,” says the second one. “No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”

• An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down!She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, about 75, and carrying a large handgun.

• A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

• Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

• There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.""I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.""Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.""I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

• Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician. A week or so afteward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful."The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart's got a murmur. Be careful.’”

• A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

• An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

• A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son. I want to have a life insurance policy.”Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.” Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”“127. ”“127? And what will you do in Europe?”He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”“He is … Oh, 150.”And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”“Bullshit, you know his parents are pressing him!”

• The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it." The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!" The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"

• A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?"Bernie says, "You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?" Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…""Yes, yes, that’s it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife: "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"

• A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.“Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?” she asked.“Sure,” he replied.“Do you think you should write that down to remember it?” she asked.“No, I can remember that,” he said.“I’d like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?” she said.“No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries,” he said, becoming a little irritated.“I’d like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down,” she said.“For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don’t need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream,” he said, now more than a little irritated.Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, “Where’s my toast?”

• A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop. Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard. Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "Wotz up oldie! Never done something wild?" To this the old man replied, "Yeah,I f*cked a peahen once and I'm wondering if you are my son."

• A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.“No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”

• There’s a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “George, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 110!”George says, “I know, but there isn’t just one, there are hundreds!”

• As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!""Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

• Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now."I would like my grandchildren to say,that he was successful in business," declared the first man."Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say,that he was a loyal family man."Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?""Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age!"

• While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.”Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?”“Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied.“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”

• I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

• Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”“You’re kidding! What for?”“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”“What happened to your second wife?”“I shot her.”“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”“Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”

• A guy dies and is sent to Hell.Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks.The guy says "no, let me see the next room."In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses.Guy says no again.Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.The guy says, "I pick this room."Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over.Everyone back on your heads!"

• Q: Why did the astronaut retire?A: He got spaced out!

• Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.When an old Grandpa walked by.And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

• Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all.""Memory school? What memory school?"Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...""A rose?" asked Red."Yeah, that's it!"Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

• The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

• An old lady really wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors, before she died. So she went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.“You must take the loyalty oath first,” the passport clerk said. “Raise your right hand, please.”The old gal raised her right hand.“Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?”The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled as she responded, “Well, I guess so, but. . .will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?”

• An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag."You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.""Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

• Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.When an old Grandpa walked by.And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

• An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

• I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

• A retiree and his aged wife started having problems in remembering, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the wife got up from her chair and her retired husband asks, "Where are you going?" She replies, "To the kitchen." he asks "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" She replies, "Sure." he then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" She says, "No, I can remember that." he then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." She says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." he replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top.I know you will forget that so you better write it down."With irritation in her voice, she says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." She then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes she returns from the kitchen and hands him a plate of bacon and eggs. He stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

• A 90 year old women goes to the doctor.Dr i can't stop farting, sure they don't smell and make no noise but still i can't take it any more.Well take these pills every day and come back in a week.Dr what did you do to me not only am i still farting now they smell as well!Oh very well , now about your hearing...

• If the music's too loud you're too old.

• A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink."Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something.""Dad you don´t mea-""Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son."Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored.""Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

• Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."The old man says, "What?"So the doctor says it again.Once again the old man says, "what?"So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

• An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear.The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out.After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well...it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...".The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee...I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".

• A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

• An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, “We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I’d highly recommend it.”The second man said, “What’s the name of it?”The first man thought and thought, then said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?”“Oh, you mean a rose?” said the second man.“Yes, that’s it,” said the first man. Then he called to the kitchen, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

• Doctor (to an absent-minded patient): "What is wrong with you?"Patient: "I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine."Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while): "Here, Take this."Patient: "Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right."

• How do you get an old lady to swear?Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!

• A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”“Sure is.”“Have I met her?”“I don't think so.”“Is she attractive?”“Won't win any beauty contests.”“Can she cook?”“Can't even boil an egg.”“Is she rich?”“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”“She must be great in the sack then?”“I haven't actually found out.”“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”“She can still drive.”

• When I was young, my slippers were red,I could pick up my heels right over my head.When I grew older, my slippers were blue,but still I could dance the whole night through.

• I have three kids, one of each.

• An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She toldthe artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’msure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazylooking for the jewelry.”

• How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

• An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs.His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies.As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs.Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies.Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"

• There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway’s made it by there by 2PM.One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."The man says, "Ok!"They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eye’s widen in fright.Sure enough, the light changes and they're off! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.Meanwhile, at the local police dept:"Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street.""What’s so weird about that?" asks the other cops.The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!"

• An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”

• An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

• A family doctor is seeing an 80 year old patient for the first time. She tells him, “Since this is your first time here, I’d like to get a little history on you. Who’s been your regular doctor up till now?”The man says, “I don’t remember saying I’ve ever been to the doctor.”The doctor is astonished. “What? You’ve never been to a doctor?”The man says, “Nope. Never needed one before.”“That’s remarkable,” she says. “But there must be a family doctor somewhere. What about your father when he was alive. Who was the family doctor?”“I don’t remember saying my father had passed away.”“Oh, I’m sorry! You’re father’s still alive? He must be at least a hundred.”“Yep. ‘Bout that. And he’s never been to the doctor either.”She says, “Well that’s one impressive bloodline you have there. What an amazing family. But there’s got to be a doctor in the history somewhere. What about your grandfather when he was alive? Who was the family doctor?”“I don’t remember saying my grandfather had passed away.”“Oh come on now, you must be kidding! Your grandfather is still alive? He’d have to be at least 120!”“Yep, ‘Bout that. And he’s never been to the doctor either. But I think he’s gonna have to go soon. He’s getting married next week.”“What?" she says. "Oh now surely you’re joking. Getting married? Imagine being 120 years old and wanting to get married!”The old man looks at her and says, “I don’t remember saying he WANTED to get married."

• A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'

• An old couple gets pulled over and...Lady cop:"May I see you license and registration sir?"Old man:"Ugh, what did she say?"Old wife:"She needs to see you license and registration dear."The old man hands it to the lady cop and...Lady cop:"Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."Old man:"Ugh, what did she say?"Old wife:"Nothing dear, she thinks she used to know you."