A large family were going to have Thanks Giving dinner togther.
The two grandma's of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan.
They put BB Gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it.
The next morning, Little Tommy came down from his room and said "Grannie, Grannie, there were BBGun pellets in my pee pee last night."
Then Little Sally came down and said "Grandma, there was BB Gun pellets in my pee last night."
Then Big Shaun came down yelling "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!"
This joke was submitted by:
JafuOne day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."
Your momma is so fat, I take her panties and I use it as the main sail of my yacht.
Yo mamma so fat, she got more rolls then a pastry truck!
Yo mamas so fat the back of her neck looks like a package of hotdogs
Yo moma is so fat.....fat is a complement!!!!!
Yo momma's so fat when she takes a shower her feet don't get wet!
Yo momma is so fat the cows try get milk from her
Yo momma's so fat she puts mayonaise on asprin.
Yo momma's so fat Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo momma's so fat She could sell shade.
Yo your moma so fat,that she had to take her passport photo by satillite.
Yo your moma so fat that her belt size is the equater
Yo momma's so fat Her blood type is Ragu.
Yo momma's so fat When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo momma's so fat She can't even jump to a conclusion.
A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
"Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
"Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
"47, " came the reply.
"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
This joke was submitted by:
Mariaum/MiraThree guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
This joke was submitted by:
LuisYo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager
Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo
Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard
Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light
Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at sea world
Your momma's so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep tryin to get back up again
Your mammas so fat and stupid, when it was raining she used the freeway for a slip and slide
Yo momma's so fat that when the whales saw her they started singing "we are family"
Yo momma is so fat when she goes to a restaurant she has to be greased in and out of the boothes
Yo mamma's so fat she was attacked by japenese mlitary, they thought she was godzillas wife.
Yo mamma's so fat when she went on school feild trips the school had to raise fund to feed her.
Your momma's so fat she makes free willy look like a goldfish
Yo mama is so fat when I layed back on her stomach i rolled twce and I was still in the middle
A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"
The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."
The bus driver says, "I'm not married"
The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".
Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.
When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."
The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"
This joke was submitted by:
Johnny NielsonA psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
A guy walks into a pharmacy.
He says to the pharmacist, "I've heard a lot about that viagra stuff. Does it really work."
The pharmacist says, "Yeah, it works great."
The guy asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
Pharmacist says, "Well, if you took enough I suppose you could."
This joke was submitted by:
YohansenYour momma's house is so dirty before you walk outside you have to wipe your feet.
Your momma's so dirty she has to creep up on her bath water.
Your momma's so dirty that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.
Your momma's so dirty that when she went swimming at the beach, she left a ring around the ocean!
Your momma's so dirty the flies on a dog shit passed out
Your momma's so dirty bigfoot took a photo of her
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give headUnpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't peeIt's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his flyBut it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it throughLick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to runJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roarAnd when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throatSalty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enoughLet's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.Your momma's so greasy she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair.
Your momma's so greasy the chip shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry.
Your momma's so greasy her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.
Your momma's so greasy she uses bacon as a band aid.
Your momma's so greasy her freckles slipped off.
Your momma's so greasy she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forhead.
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!
Yo mama's so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama's so ugly people go as her for Halloween!
Yo mama's so ugly she scares the roaches away!
Yo mama's so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Yo mama's so ugly that yo daddy first met her at the pound!
Yo mama's so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama's so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!
Yo mama's so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Planet of the Apes!
Yo mama's so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck!
Yo mama's so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras!
Yo mama's so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama's so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama's so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo Mama's so dumb i told her Christmas was around the corner, and she went lookin'.
Yo Mama's so dumb that she tripped over a cordless phone.
Your Mama's so dumb that she got smacked by a statue.
Yo Mama's so dumb she got locked in a toilet and pissed herself.
Yo Mama's so dumb , I told her she lost her mind, and she started looking for it.
Your Mama's so dumb, she tried to commit suicide off a sidewalk.
Yo Mama's so dumb she got hit by a parked car.
Yo Mama's so dumb when she went to a football game she thought the quarter back was a refund!
Yo Mama's so dumb she stole a free sample.
Yo Mama's so dumb she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer.
Yo Mama's so dumb she waited all day at a stop sign.
3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".
An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
Yo Mamma's so stupid she got locked in publix and starved to death.
Yo Mamma's so stupid she blinked and got lost
Yo Mamma's so stupid that she got run over by a parked car.
Yo Mamma's so stupid she blinked and got lost
Yo Mamma's so stupid that when I told her we needed gas for the car, she farted at the gas tank!
Yo Mamma's so stupid that when she goes to a movie theatre and saw under 18 not admitted, she went home and got 17 of her friends.
Yo Mamma's so stupid she stayed in the grocery store for one day looking at a can of orange juice just because it said concentrate.
Yo Mamma's so stupid she went to an antique store and said what's new
Yo Momma's so poor she uses cheerios as earrings
Yo Momma's so poor she tried soul food
Yo Momma's so poor when I stepped on a lit cigarrette in your house she yelled "who turned of the heat"!
Yo Momma's is so poor that your tits are real
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give headUnpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't peeIt's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his flyBut it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it throughLick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to runJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roarAnd when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throatSalty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enoughLet's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
This joke was submitted by:
Brandon GrovesA young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel."Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
Your momma is so fat, she climbed in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
Yo moma's so fat the only time she sees 90210 is on the scale.
Yo mamma's so fat they could hold the olympics on her left butt cheek.
Yo mamma's so fat she jumped into the lake and the lake replied "I'll wait my turn."
Yo mamma's so fat she filled the bath, got in and all the water poured out.
Yo mamma's so fat that she became the center of the solar system.
Your Momma's so fat that when she jumped, she got stuck in mid-air
Yo mamma's so fat when she wore a red shirt all the kids yelled hey kool-aid
Yo mamma's so fat that when she sits around the house she sits around the house.
Yo mamma's so fat that when she steps on a scale it keeps going and going and going...........and going
Yo mama's so fat when she walked past by TV I missed three episodes
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale it says I want you weight not your phone number
Yo mama's so fat that the last time she had sex it was at a crispy creme dount shop.
Yo mama so short she does pull-ups with a staple.
Yo mama so short she gave yo daddy head while standing up.
Yo momma so short she commited suicide by jumping of the curb
Yo mamas so short she jumped in a puddle and drowned
A man and his son were talking about sex.
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"
"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"
Your mama's so fat she had to iron her clothes on the 405 freeway!!!!!
Your momma is so fat, she uses a toilet brush to clean out her belly button!
Yo momma's so fat She can't even fit in the chat room.
Yo momma's so fat She put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo momma's so fat All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Momma"
Yo momma's so fat When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mamma is so fat she takes showers at carwashes
Yo momma is so stupid when she hears thunder she thinks someone is making popcorn
Yo Mam's So Fat, She Went To Sizzler and the Bitch Got A group Discount
Your mommas so fat she has to use hula hoops to hold up her socks
Yo mamas so fat after sex she rolles over and smokes a ham
Yo mama so fat when she died they didn't use a casket they used a mansion.
Yo momma so fat i put a quarter in her mouth and pushed her belly button and milk dudes fill out of her ass
Yo mamma's got so many rolls she puts Brumby's out a business
Your momas so fat that when she got into an elevator the doors couldn't close!!
Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
Yo Mama's so fat she took her chin as carry on
Yo Mama's so fat she throws up gravy
Yo Mama's so fat she plugged the hole in the ozone layer
Yo Mama's so fat it's not funny
Yo Mama's so fat she ate the milky way
Yo Mama's so fat she has to wear a wide load sign
Yo Mama's so fat that while she walking to Wal-Mart, she tripped over K-Mart, and landed on Target.
Yo Mama's so fat the army uses her panties for a parachute.
Yo Mama's so fat she makes godzilla loox like an action figure
Yo Mama's so fat she needs a wide load stiker on her butt
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.
"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"
She didn't answer.
"Well, my name is Barry"
"Okay" she said "Barry what?"
"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"
So he wrote it down.
She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."
She slapped him and stormed off.
This joke was submitted by:
EskimoYour momma's like a vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and lays in the closet.
Your momma's like a toilet, she's so full of shit.
Your momma's like a hardware store 5 cents a screw
Your momma's like a squirell, she can't keep nuts out of her mouth.
Your momma's like a buffet, $3.00 and it's all you can eat!
Your momma's like buckleys, she tastes bad but works
Your momma's like a doorknob everyone gets a turn.
Your momma's like a light switch even a 4 Year old can turn her on.
Your momma's like a refrigerator, every one sticks there meet in her
Your momma's like a nascar driver she burns fifty rubbers a day
Your momma's like a shotgun 2 cocks and shes ready to blow
Your momma's like a hockey puck everyone gets a whack!
Your momma's like a merry go round everyone gets a spin!
Your momma's like a bus everyone gets a ride!
Your momma's like a boomeramg she keeps coming back for more.
Your momma's pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn
I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said tuna surprise
I asked your momma "what's for lunch" ...She opened up her legs and said crabs
Your momma's like a gun, two cocks and she's loaded!
Your momma's like a vaccum cleaner ... She sucks, blows and gets laid in the closet.
Yo Mama's like a mosquito, you have to slap her to get her to stop sucking
At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.
He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 duaghters."
The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig."
The second man said ,"I slept like a cow."
The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."
Yo Mama's like a fast food retaurant, she takes orders from the front and the back
Yo Mama's teeth are so spaced out it looks like her tongue is in jail
Your Momma is like Burger King "Have it Your Way"
Yo Mama's glasses are so thick she looks at a map and sees people waving.
Yo Mama's so loose it's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway
Yo Mama has touched more knobs then the gas man
Yo Mama's so fat that when God said "let there be light" he told your momma to move her fat ass out of the way
Yo Mama's so skinny she has to wipe her butt with dental floss
Yo Mama's so greasy that she has to use baccon as a bandaid
There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.
They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.
One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"
They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .
They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .
The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.
She took him into her barn and said to get started.
He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.
Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.
Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .
The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
Yo mama's so old her social security number is 1!
Yo mama's so old she flicked the switch when god said let there be light!
Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there was no history class!
Yo mama's so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!
Yo mama's so old her birth certificate says expired on it!
Yo mama's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince!
Yo mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper!
Yo mama's so old she ran track with dinosaurs!
Yo mama's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals!
Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook!
Yo mama's so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade!
Yo mama's so stupid when she saw the under 17 not admitted sign, she went home and got 16 friends!
Yo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo mama's so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama's so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama's so stupid that she sold the car for gas money!
Yo mama's so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911?"!
Yo mama's so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!
Yo mama's so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."!
Yo mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out!
Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued!
Yo mama's so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama's so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama's so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
Yo mama's so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo mama's so fat she uses entire trees to pick her teeth!
Yo mama's so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles!
Yo mama's so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl!
Yo mama's so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"!
Yo mama's so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama's so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!
Yo mama's so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Car!
Yo mama's so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama's so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo mama's so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama's so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!
Yo mama's so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
Yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama's so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama's so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo mama's so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama's so fat sets off car alarms when she runs!
Yo mama's so fat she cant reach her back pocket!
The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.
She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.
On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.
She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.
She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"
The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."
"Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.
She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"
Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"
This joke was submitted by:
Satans CaretakerYo Mama's so fat slap her on the stomach and you can ride the waves
Yo Mama's so fat when she steps on a scale it say's I want your weight not your phone number
Yo Mama's so fat, she's the reason they invented double doors
Yo Mama's so fat she uses I-95 as a slip and slide.
Yo Mama's so fat she sat on a rainbow and made skittles
Yo Mama's so fat when she wore high heels she struck oil
Yo Mama's so fat she needs a lifeguard for her ceareal bowl
Yo Mama's so fat it took three years for her to get liposuction
Yo Mama's so fat she uses buoys for ear plugs
Yo Mama's so fat she killed the dinosaurs
Yo Mama's so fat she cant jump to conclusions
Yo Mama's so fat she uses windex for face cleaner
Yo Mama's so fat her genes dont fit her
Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.
One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".
So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.
After a week they met in a bar.
"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".
"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.
The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."
Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!
Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!
Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!
Yo mama's so short she does backflips under the bed!
Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!
Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!
Yo mama's so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!
Yo mama's so flat she's jealous of the wall!
Yo mama's so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama's so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning!
Yo mama's so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs!
Yo mama's so bald you can see whats on her mind!
Your mamas so fat she cant even float in space
Yo momma is so fat she sat on walmart and lowered the prices.
Your Momma's so fat she can go on vacation by rolling over.
You momma so fat one time she threw up and out came pinnichio
Yo mama is so fat when she turns around its her birthday again
Yo mamma's so fat when she went to Tokyo everyone said its GODZILA!
Yo momma is so fat, she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
Your momma is so fat the elephant on her shirt is real!
Your momma is so fat when she stepped on a scale it said 1 person at a time please
Your mommas so fat she pooped out an actionfigure.
Yo Momma so fat she tripped over Wal-Mart and landed on Target
Yo mama so fat that when she walkes she shows up on the rictor scale.
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?"
"Trust me son, you will know.
After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.
"Well son,how did it go?""Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."
"But how could you tell he was gay?"
"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"
Yo Mama's so fat if I put a firecracker up her ass, and it exploded she would be feeding kids in India for years
Your momma is so fat she changed the phrase "One Size Fits All" to "One Size Fits Most"!
Yo momma so fat that when I ran around her I got lost!
Yo momma so fat..she even carried a spoon to the SUPER BOWL
Your momma's so fat, once she jumped in the water, everone ran out yelling, "Tsunami!"
Your mommas so fat she plays pool with the planets.
Yo momma is so fat she sat down on the bench and her fart went off like a gun shot!
Your mammas so fat she sat on the toliet and the toliet said ABCDEFG GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF ME
Your mama is so fat her "nickname" is damn
Yo mommas so fat she took her pants to the dry cleaners and the lady said,"we don't do curtains".
Your mommas so fat she was wearing a yellow shirt and the kids thought she was a schoolbus
Your momma is so fat she had cream coming out her arms becuase she ate to many twinkes
Yo momma is just like a big mac...shes big, fat, and $1.69 on wednesdays!
Yo mamma is like a big mack, fat, juizy, and only worth a buck.
Yo momma is so fat her stretch marks spell out her name , " big bitch"
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
Yo mama is so fat the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Crage is the door
Yo momma is so fat last time she seen 90210 is on the scale
Your mommas like a brick she is flat on both sides and gets laid by Mexicans.
Your momma is so big when God said let there be light, he asked her to move.
Your mom is so fat, when she walks out of the candy store with a red turtle neck on people start yellin "Kool Aid".
Your mama so fat she uses the ocean as a bath tub
Your mama's so fat when she walked by a construction site they used her as a wrecking ball.
Your mama so fat when she sat on the toilet she said A B C D E F G get your fat ass of of me.
Yo Momma Soooooooo Fat...... A Car Crashed Into Her And She Said, "Who Threw That Rock?!"
Yo mamma so fat that I told her we won the Super Bowl So she walked outside with a spoon.
Yo mamas so fat I get lost around here
Your mamma is so fat I shot the bitch and lard came out.
Your momma is so fat she got in a monster truck and made it a lowrider!
Your momma so fat she tried to take a bath but the water jumped out!
Your momma is so fat that she went to the bathroom and the toilet got the shit scared out of it
Yo mamma so fat when she missed the school bus she yelled "some one catch my twinky"!
Yo momma is so fat that your dad and her were in bed and tried to kiss he'd have to slap her belly and ride the third wave up!
You'r mama's so fat, when she sit's around the house,"she sit's AROUND THE HOUSE"!!
Your mama is so fat she steps on a dollar bill and makes change
Yo momma so fat when i tryed to walk around her i got lost.
Your momma is so fat that when she puts on her red t-shirt she runs through brick walls yellin', "Kool-Aid!"
Yo mama so fat when she died and went to heaven lord asked where did my light go???
Your momma is so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck
Your momma's so fat , she uses Mexico as a tanning bed.
Yo momma's so fat when she sings theres a earthquake
your mamma is so fat when she stepped on a scale it said to be continued
Yo momma's so fat that she makes a sumo wresler look like an arexion.
Yo momma's so fat that when it rains she where's a yellow jacket and everyone yells taxi.
Yo mamma is so ugly and fat when she went out side the kids said run its a dinosour!!!
Yo momma's ass is so big that when she sits down she's three feet taller.
Your mama's so fat...that when god said let there be light...she moved!!!
Your mama's so fat when she stepped on a scale it read the air heads motto "Out Of Control"
Yo mumma so fat she got stopted at da airport for havin 200 punds of crack
Yo Mama's so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a mexican phone company
Yo Mama's so stupid I asked her to buy me a pare of sneakers and she came back with 2 candy bars.
Yo Mama's so stupid because it too her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo Mama's so stupid when she heard someone say it was chille outside,she went and grabbed a size 20 bowl.
Yo Mama's so stupid she sold her car for gas money.
Yo Mama's so stupid when i said drinks are on the house she went and fetched a ladder.
Yo Mama's so stupid she got locked in Matress World and slepped on the floor.
Your Mamma is so ugly her nickname is hairy pooter
Your Mamma is so ugly she uses a line of makeup called "Why Bother"
Your Mamma is so ugly, she went to the bathroom and scared the sh!t out of the toilet.
Your Mamma is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank she didnt have to wear a mask, she just walked up and said "Put the money in the bag"
Your Mamma is so ugly she shaves her pits with a lawn mower
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
This joke was submitted by:
Jack TizzardYour momma's so smelly even sewer rats get out of her way.
Your momma's so smelly that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...
Your momma's so smelly even dogs dont smell her.
Your momma's so smelly she was playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.
Your momma's so smelly she made Right Guard go left.
Your momma's so Smelly her poop is glad to escape.
Yo mama's so stupid she stole free bread!
Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl!
Yo mama's so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners!
Yo mama's so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama's so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama's so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama's so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama's so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home!
Yo mama's so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead!
Yo mama's so stupid she jumped out the window and went up!
Yo mama's so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund!
Yo mama's so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain!
Yo mama's so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes!
Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or FalseThere were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women.
Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"
This joke was submitted by:
Cory DaltonOne night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"
So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!
This joke was submitted by:
Moe HopkinsA women was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
This joke was submitted by:
Mario VegaA guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.
His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
So what say the friends, flip her over.
"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
"Halitosis" the man says.
"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."
This joke was submitted by:
Robert GibbsA married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!
Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise!
Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
Yo mama's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors!
Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!
Yo mama's so fat she lays on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!
Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller!
Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!
Yo mama's so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th!
Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!
Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"!
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!
Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it!
This is the tail of Daniel Morgan,
Who had a tiny sexual organ,
It was just one inch when fully reared,
When lying down it disappeared.
It was just by chance they called him Danny,
Half an inch less they?d have called him fanny,
It gave his girlfriends such a shock,
When they put their hands on his tiny cock,One day Dan read in the daily mail that things called falsies were on sale,
For women who had tiny breasts they wore these things inside their vests,
Now Dan said ?I'm no fool, why can?t I make a big false tool?
So he worked all night to make a shopper,
And he ended up with a great big whopper,
It was twelve inches long and made of plastic,
And would stretch any girls fanny, like elastic,
It really was a lovely job and on the end was a big red knob,
He tied it up with lots of twine and it really did look rather fine,
Lying there beneath his pants,
It looked just like an elephants.No other guy stood a chance when Dan attended the local dance,
For when the girls danced with our Danny,
His tool kept tickling round their fanny.
The girls began to faint and swoon as Danny waltzed them round the room,
But what a shock they had in stall,
For one night dancing round the hall,
Danny stopped and loudly cursed,
He?d felt the string and strapping burst.
Before he?d reached the nearest seat, his tool was dangling at his feet,A girl named Silvia made Dan sick for she gave his tool a spiteful kick,
Poor Danny?s screams ran round the hall,
For the string was tied round one of his balls.
Of course by now the band was crackers,
While in the gents Dan bathed his knackers.So if you?re like poor Daniel Morgan,
And have a tiny sexual organ,
Remember though it?s only wee,
It?s always good enough, just to Pee!!
This joke was submitted by:
AndyLittle Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.
He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.
Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."
Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"
This joke was submitted by:
TurtleYour momma's so dumb she thought the computer screen saver was TV
Your momma's so dumb that when she jumped out of a window she went up
Your momma's so dumb she got hit by a parked car
Your momma's so dumb she heard someone say it was chilli outside so she ran and grabbed a bowl
Your momma's so dumb she thought a telephone was a phone for the T.V
Your momma's so dumb she thinks a quarterback is a refund
Your momma's so dumb she tried to kill herself by jumping out of the basement window
Your momma's so dumb the computer said press any key to continue and she was looking for the any key
Your momma's so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
Your momma's so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice
Your momma's so dumb she stayed up all night studying for her blood test
Your momma's so dumb I caught her staring at a piece of paper. She sait it was Pay-Per View
Your momma's so dumb when your dad suggested doggy style she went out the back and started to lick her balls
These three guys were stranded on this island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound guy came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo."
The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. I choose bongo."
The big guy takes him aside and they start banging it right there.
The second guy sees this and doesn't think it looks so bad so he also chooses bongo. Then two 550 pound guys come out of the bushes and they get it on right there.
The third guy is disgusted by this, so he chooses death. After saying this, fourteen 550 pound guys come out of the bushes screaming "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Funny Jokes For Adults
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