Golf Jokes

• The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
  
  




• Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
  
  "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
  
  "Oh, that's awful!"
  
  "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
  
  

• A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
  
  His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
  
  "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
  
  

• A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

  "Ten years!", he says.

  She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

  He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

  Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

  He replies, "Ten years!"

  She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

  He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

  Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

  And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

• David was a new golfer, who had taken to the game so deeply that he lost all track of time. As almost a commandment, when David went out to play golf, he was always late coming home by three or more hours. Needless to say, Grace his wife, suffered as well as she could, but every once in a while she threw a fit because of his broken time to be home promises.
  
  It was Sunday afternoon and David was heading out the door for the golf course. Grace nailed him before he got out the door and reminded him that her sister and husband would be there that evening for supper at 7PM . Dave saw no problem with this and swore to Grace that he would be home by 6PM. Well in time to meet his sister-in-law. Grace made him promise several times and Dave swore he would be home by 6.
  
  Grace started looking out the door at 5:30 and saw no sign of Dave. 6PM, Dave's, promised time of arrival came and still no Dave had arrived. Minutes passed and at 6:30 the guests arrived. Grace served cocktails and started burning under the collar.
  
  Dinner was served late at 8PM and still no Dave. Grace was thinking of good divorce lawyers. When 10:30 arrived the guests left and Grace sat down in the living room to have a good cry.
  
  At 11:15 Dave walked through the door, sat his clubs in the corner and sat down with his wife. "Such a golf game I had. On the second hole, Irving dropped dead. After that it was terrible. Hit the ball, drag Irving. Hit the ball, drag Irving. Hit the ball, drag Irving...
  

• A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said’, You must be the worst caddy in the world.’

  ‘That would be too much of a coincidence, sir’, answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

  Submitted by Jacob.

• After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
  
  "Yes," the golfer responded.
  
  "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
  
  "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
  
  "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
  
  The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
  
  "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
  
  

• Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.”

• Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."
  Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!"
  Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"

• Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
  
  "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the Earth."

• A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of
  dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them
  into his pants pockets.
  
  On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to
  him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed
  after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A
  bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It`s all right ma`am, they`re
  just golf balls."
  
  She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said,
  "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"
  

• Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
  
  First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
  
  Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
  
  Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
  
  They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
  
  Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
  
  

• 
  Two aliens landed their ship on a golf course and watched a young man golfing. First he hit it into the high grass, mumbling and cursing he retrieved his ball. Then he hit it into the sand bunker shouting curse words he retrieved the ball. Next he hit a perfect hole in one, then the first alien said to the second, "Uh-oh cover your ears he's going to be really mad now"!
  
  
  

• The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
  
  The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
  
  His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
  
  "Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."
  
  "The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
  
  "Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

• A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, "I was just stung by a bee!"
  
  The golf pro asks, "Where?"
  
  Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second hole."
  
  The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."

• These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:
  
  1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be
  lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable
  mechanical phenomena.
  
  2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
  
  3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.
  
  4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.
  
  5. If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).
  
  6. A putt that stops close enough to the hole to
  inspire such comments as, "You could blow it in" . . . may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

• Four guys enjoying a round of golf come up to the 18 hole. The first 3 guys put their ball in the fairway, the last guy drives his ball over the fence with his new Titleist. He tells his friends to finish up and that he will meet them in club house.
  
  After a half hour goes by and finally the 4th golfer comes back all beat up with bumps and cuts on his head and bleeding all over. All his fellow golfers are like, what the heck happened?
  
  He tells them the story. Over the fence was a bunch of cows. I noticed one cow was moaning and carrying on crazy. I slowly lifted her tail and there was a ball stuck in the you know what. Gladly it was not mine. About that time a lady came over the fence looking for her ball. So I told her to come over and let me show you something. I raised the tail on that cow and said to her does that look like yours?
  
  After that I don't remember much...

• Did you hear about the golfer trying to buy a new golf club? He looked at club after club after club. His friend asked him "Why are you taking so long?" He replied "I am looking for a hole in one!"

• Gorilla golfer ?????????????? There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

  
  One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?"

  
  The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.

  
  Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

  
  The guy turns to his friend and says "That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check."

  
  After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

  
  The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

  
  "That good, huh?"

  
  "No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

• Two men were talking about golf. One of them said, "I shoot in the 70's." The other replied, "That's great!" The first one said, "Yeah, if it gets any cooler than that, I go to the clubhouse."

• Travis and McGee met over a beer in the local pub. After a while the subject of sports came up. Travis asked McGee, "Do you play golf?"
  "Sure," said McGee, "I play well enough to know why they call it 'golf'."
  Puzzled, Travis asks, "Why do they call it 'golf'?"
  "Because," replied McGee, "that's the only 4-letter word left!!"
  

• There were three golfers.
  
  One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.
  
  The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.
  
  As you no doubt guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.
  
  The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water. However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away. Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle. Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.
  
  Then Jesus shouted, "Dad! If you do that again, I'm not going to invite you to play golf with us in the future!"

• To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

  "Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

  The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

  "Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

  They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

  "Come on in," a voice in the house says.

  The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

  When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"

  "Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."

  "Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."

  "Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

  "No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.

  "I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.

  The genie smiles. "Consider it done."

  "And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.

  "Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

  The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."

  The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

  When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"

  "31," she replies.

  "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

• The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
  
  "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
  
  "P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
  
  "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
  
  

• A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

  Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

  The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

  As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

  "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

• A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.
  
  Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.
  
  "What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro.
  
  "I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

• Q. Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants when he went golfing?
  
  A. In case he got a "hole in one".
  

• A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
  
  "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
  
  "It was," sighed the Sister. "I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
  
  "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
  
  "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
  
  "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. : "You must tell me all about it!"
  
  "Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
  
  "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
  
  "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
  
  "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
  
  "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
  
  "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
  
  "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
  
  Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
  
  "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

• After hitting his 7th ball into the water on the 4th hole, a father turns to his son and says, "It takes a lot of ball to play golf the way I do."

• A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
  
  The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
  
  "It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
  
  "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
  
  "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
  
  "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
  
  "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
  
  "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
  
  "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
  
  The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
  
  "I found it."
  
  

• A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
  
  Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
  
  The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
  
  As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
  
  "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
  
  

• One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups.

  Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball.

  After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

  Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail.

  Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups".

  This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechan standing by him. The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free".

  The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

• A young minister and an elderly parishoner were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him badly.
  
  At the end of the game, the old man tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
  
  "Yes," said the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"

• The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into some other woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he’d noticed that the club pro had been watching. “What club should I use now?” he asked the pro.
  “I don’t know,” the pro replied. “What game are you playing?”
  

• A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
  
  The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
  
  The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
  
  "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
  
  After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh . . . you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
  
  "Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

• A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was
  on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if
  she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole,and
  you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her
  and went back to his golf.
  
  On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady
  again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole
  behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
  
  He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady
  sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy
  you a drink to show my appreciation for your help."
  
  He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She
  said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what
  she sold.
  
  She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't,"
  he said. She said, "I sell tampons." With that he fell on the floor
  laughing so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
  
  "That's not what I'm laughing at,"he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
  salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!".
  

• Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn’t include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks, ‘Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?’

  ‘Of course I wouldn’t,’ states Amanda.

  ‘Well,’ mutters Alex, ‘neither does John Gumby.’

  Submitted by Daniel.

• A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his
  exasperated partner says, "What'staking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
  
  The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
  
  "Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

• A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee.
  
  As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven-haired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle.
  
  This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men.
  
  They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, "This is the girl of my dreams!" So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common and have a great evening.
  
  They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shotmaking.
  
  The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn't let things go too far and he drives her home.
  
  This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can't take it anymore.
  
  "I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my apartment is wonderful. And even though we haven't been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!"
  
  "Darling," she says, "I have something to tell you. I can not hide it anymore. I am a man!"
  
  His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She's convinced he's going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, "And all, this time, you've been playing from the red tees?"

• Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap . Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

  
  Jesus then turns to the old man and says "Dad, if you don't stop messing around, we won't bring you next time."

• 3 men walk into a bar.

  After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

  The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

  The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

  Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

  The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

  As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."

• LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
  
  LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
  
  LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
  
  LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
  
  LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
  
  LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
  
  LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
  
  LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
  
  LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
  
  LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
  
  LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
  
  LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
  
  LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
  
  LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
  
  LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
  
  LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
  
  LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
  
  LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
  
  LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
  
  LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
  
  

• An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with, because they were already out on the course.
  
  He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12-stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap, as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
  
  And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th, the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap, he hit a very high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
  
  The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, "Nice shot! But I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
  
  "Well, I do! Here, help me out!"

• Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
  
  The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
  
  The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
  
  "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you'd allow me."
  
  "Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
  
  She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
  
  "Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

• Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
  
  His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
  
  Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
  
  

• Perhaps you are aware of the scoring system in Golf.
  
  2 over Par -- Double Bogey
  1 over Par -- Bogey
  Even Par -- Par
  1 under Par -- Birdie
  2 under Par -- Eagle
  If you get a hole-in-one, it's called an "Ace."
  
  What is the score for 6 under?
  
  Payne Stewart.

• 1. Look at the size of his putter

  
  2. Oh shit my shafts all bent

  
  3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker

  
  4. After 18 holes I can barely walk

  
  5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

  
  6. Lift your head and spread your legs

  
  7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired

  
  8. Just turn your back and drop it

  
  9. Hold up.. I've got to wash my balls

  
  10. Damn, I missed the hole again

• It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
  
  "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
  
  I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
  
  I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!
  
  I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mic and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

• Q. What game encourages drinking and driving?
  A. Golf

• Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

  
  After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

• Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
  
  The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
  
  He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
  
  The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
  
  The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
  
  The first guy says, "Small world!"
  

• A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
  
  Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
  
  Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
  
  Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
  
  George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
  
  The group was silent for a moment.
  
  Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
  
  Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
  
  Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
  
  

• A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, “How on earth did you do that?” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”

• A guy to a friend: “After three sets golf clubs and ten years of lessons, I am finally getting some fun out of golf. I quit.”

• A man comes home to his wife after golfing.

  The wife asks, "Honey how come you never play with Bob anymore."

  The man replies, " Would you want to play with a man who cheats all the time, who lost his ball then pulls one out of his pocket saying he found it, a man who really got a 7 but marks down a 5, a man who takes 3 foot gimme's."

  The wife says, "No i wouldn't." The man says, "Neither would Bob."

• An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone # to his own cell phone and took it with him to play golf.
  
  The boss called and asked how everything was going and the employee said fine.
  
  The boss then said, can you move a little faster I'm in the foursome behind you.

• Monica Lewinsky went for a golf lesson complaining about her swing. The golf pro said let me see your grip. That was the end of the golf lesson.

• "Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"
  
  "You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."
  
  "Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'"
  
  "That was the last thing I remember."

• A bunch of Cardinals got together with the Pope and decided that they wanted to have a golf game against the other religions. The only problem was that none of the cardinals were very good golfers.

  
  One Cardninal turned to the Pope and suggested, "We could get Tiger Woods and ordane him as a Cardinal. He would ensure our victory."

  
  "That's a great idea", said the Pope.

  
  A few weeks later, the cardinals returned from their golf game and the Pope was anxiously awaiting the news of the match.

  
  "So, how did it go?" asked the Pope.

  
  One of the cardinals replied, "Well, it went alright. We played pretty well, but we lost."

  
  "How could you lose? We had Tiger Woods as our secret weapon." gasped the Pope.

  
  The cardinal shook his head and replied, "Tiger lost to Rabbi Greg Norman!"

• Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

  "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

  "Oh, that's awful!"

  "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

• The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
  
  "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
  
  The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
  
  "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
  
  "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
  
  

• What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky-diver?
  
  A bad golfer goes WHACK! "Dang it!"
  
  A bad sky-diver goes "Dang it!" WHACK!

• A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

  Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

  Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

  To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.

  They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

  After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

  With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

  The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

  Submitted by Chris.

• A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
  
  The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."
  
  He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
  
  When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

• A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
  
  To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
  
  After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
  
  With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
  
  The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
  
  

• One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."

• A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

  To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

  After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

  With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

  The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

• Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
  
  A: In case they get a hole in one!

• A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
  
  "Ten years!", he says.
  
  She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
  
  He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
  
  Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
  
  He replies, "Ten years!"
  
  She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
  
  He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
  
  Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
  
  And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
  
  

• He asked for a putter, then drove three hundred yards onto the green. Then he asked for a driver and drove the ball to within two feet of the cup. Then he asked for a niblick and got the ball into the cup. “Now I’m in trouble,” he told the caddie.
  “Why?”
  “I don’t know what club to use to get it out.”
  

• What is the worst golf foursome?
  
  O.J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy, Monica Lewinski, and Bill Clinton.
  
  Why?
  
  O.J. Slices, Kennedy can't go near the water, Monica hooks, and Bill does not know what hole he is on.

• 10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  
  9. Form a loose grip.
  
  8. Keep your head down.
  
  7. Avoid a quick backswing.
  
  6. Stay out of the water.
  
  5. Try not to hit anyone.
  
  4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
  
  3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
  
  2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
  
  1. Don't take extra strokes.
  

• Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many fat shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

• Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many far shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

• Two Men were leaving church on a bright Sunday morning. “You know,” said the first friend, “I can always tell who the golfers are in church.”"How’s that?” asked his friend.”It’s easy,” he said. “Just look at who is praying with an interlocking grip.”

  Submitted by Camren.

• * In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
  
  * The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
  
  * Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
  
  * Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
  
  * The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
  
  * There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.
  
  * An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
  
  * Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
  
  * Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
  
  * Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
  
  * There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
  
  * Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

• Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What’s so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."

• Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. When they come to the 14th hole, which is a particularly nasty 310 yard, par 4, with a water hazard in front of the green.
  
  Moses leads off, and drives a beautiful shot straight down the fairway, laying-up 10 yards short of the water hazard.
  
  Jesus steps up to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going for the green. I saw Arnold Palmer make this same shot last year”. Moses advises Jesus he’ll never make the green, and to lay-up short.
  
  Jesus tells Moses, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot, and I know if he can do it, so can I”.
  
  So Jesus tees up the ball, hits it, and watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus turns to Moses, asking him to please part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses parts the waters, allowing Jesus to retrieve his ball.
  
  Jesus comes back to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going to try it again. If Arnold Palmer can make this shot, I know I can too”. Jesus tees up his golf ball, hits it, and again watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses says OK, and parts the waters, so Jesus can retrieve his golf ball again.
  
  Jesus comes back, and once again tees up the ball telling Moses he can make the shot, because if Arnold Palmer can do it, he can too. Moses tells Jesus, if he hits the ball into the water this time, he’s not going to help him get it back.
  
  Jesus takes a mighty swing, and watches the ball fall just short of the green, once again landing in the water. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters, and Moses tells him no, he had to retrieve the ball on his own. So Jesus walks out onto the water searching for his golf ball.
  
  About this time, the follow-on foursome approaches the 14th hole, and sees Jesus walking on water. One of the foursome asks Moses who the guy walking on water thinks he is! Jesus Christ?
  
  Moses responds, “no, Arnold Palmer”.