It Jokes

• God called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates to come to a conference. And when they were all there, God said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is that I'm really fed up with the way things are on Earth; so, I've decided to destroy it. The good news is that I'm giving you one week's notice."So, Bill Clinton called into session the joint houses of Congress and announced, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."Boris Yeltsin called into session the Communist Party and announced, "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God after all. And the worse news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in one week."Bill Gates called all of his programmers, marketing experts and administrators together and announced, "I've got good news and I've got better news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men on Earth. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95."




• What do the latest Iphone 6 applications do?Whiten teeth and perform laser eye surgery!

• Outgoing e-mails have tobacco stains on them.

• Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.

• A new army computer is put through its paces. An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’ The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’ The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’

• Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!

• Q: What does a baby computer call its dad?A: Data

• Bill Gates was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.Bill Gates looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

• Where do you go if you become ‘at one’ with your computer? Nerdvana.

• Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay!

• At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. ‘If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?’Among the forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

• One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

• A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

• The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

• The monitor is up on blocks.

• Murphy's Laws of Computing1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

• "Knock, knock.Who's there?"very long pause..."Java."

• What did the psychiatrist say to the android kleptomaniac? DON'T keep taking the tablets!

• An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

• Me: Siri, why am I alone?Siri: *opens front facing camera*

• I keep hitting “escape”, but I’m still here.

• Two packets walk into a bar.One of the packets asks the bartender for a drink, and gets no responseThe other packet tries and the bartender shrugs him off.One packet leans to the other and says, "The quality of service here is terrible!"

• How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!

• What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus?A dead wringer.

• Fed up with your computer winning at chess? Try it at kick-boxing instead!

• I used to think love() was abstract, until you implemented it in MyHeart.

• There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

• What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.

• Wikipedia: I know everything! Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody! Internet: Without me you are nothing!Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

• The computer programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."Son: "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

• What did one computer say to the other?010101101010101010101

• Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino from IBM are arguing about the future of 32-bit operating systems. They decide to throw a coin.Cannavino: "If the number is up, OS/2 will be the new standard, if it’s head Windows95 will be the new standard."Gates: "Hey, you forgot Windows NT."Cannavino: "No, I didn’t. If the coin falls on end, Windows NT will be the future."

• The keyboard is painted in camouflage.

• A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.

• Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.

• How do insects communicate?By bee mail.

• An artist, a lawyer, and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.The programmer says, ‘It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!’

• How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider

• Linux is like a wigwam: no windows, no gates, apache inside...

• Q: What did Data find when he went into the bathroom stall? A: Captain's log.

• If I can't buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

• Chuck Norris doesn't go on the Internet, he has every Iinternet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

• I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

• Baby, if you were an iPhone 6, I would tap you all day!

• When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

• Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

• A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

• What do you call a Scottish iPhone?An AyePhone.

• How many social media marketers does it take to change a light bulb?It’s not about the change - it’s about engaging people in conversations about the light bulb change.

• Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted: "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "Will you buy me a new computer?"

• To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

• Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

• Ready for the only way to enjoy Instagram? Follow zero people. Follow every dog.

• I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.

• Keep honking. I'm reloading.

• Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'

• The mouse is referred to as a ‘little bugger’.

• I’ve invented a human computer. When he does a mistake he blames another computer.

• It was reported this week that Google would soon launch its own cellphone as a challenge to the iPhone.Also a challenge to the iPhone?Making phone calls.

• Daddy, how was I born? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

• What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around?Dead Siri-ous.

• What did the computer do at lunchtime? Had a byte!

• Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.

• How about we do some peer-to-peer sharing? Your domain or mine?

• Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?O2.zip

• Windows: Artificial Intelligence!

• What happens if you download the Princess Diana screensaver application?Your iphone will keep crashing!

• Q: What's the Internet's favorite animal?A: The lynx.

• There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

• Who needs rocks? Windows breaks itself...

• What do computers do when they get hungry? They eat chips!

• Why was the computer tired when he got home? Because he had a hard drive.

• A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself. The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..."The man shook his head. "Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?"The man shook his head again angrily. "Sorry... a worm?"The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces. "Go to hell, you idiot! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"

• There are only two kinds of computer. The latest model, and the obsolete.

• Where's the best place to hide a body?Page two of Google.

• Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None, they just declare darkness the standard!

• Why is it so sad that Steve Jobs died?Everyone at Apple are crying their's out!

• If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.

• Hey baby, there's an OverflowException in my pants, care to handle it for me?

• Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

• The website you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.

• A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem. The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination." The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive." The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem." Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

• Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

• Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!

• The web isn’t better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

• Wow, this article looks awesome.*clicks link**finds out it's a slideshow**throws computer out the window*

• Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?It doesn't help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call!

• I’ve got one those special filter programmes on my Internet access. It’s really handy, it blocks out everything except porn sites.

• C program run.C program crash. C programmer quit.

• When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space. They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass. Russia used a pencil.

• *Puts down phone* OH MY GOD I HAVE ANOTHER HAND!

• Why didn’t the internet get any e-mail?Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.

• What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day? Cutting edge.

• Baby you're so cute you made my page 404.

• I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

• Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.

• God called a meeting of George Bush, Tony Blair and Bill Gates. ‘I’ve given you all the tools you needed to make a better world,’ says God. ‘But you’ve failed and I’m ending the world in two weeks.’Bush goes on TV and says, ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that the world will end in two weeks.’ Tony Blair says, ‘I have bad news and really bad news.The bad news is that God is really annoyed. The really bad news is he’s going to destroy us.’Bill Gates calls his workers together and says, ‘I have good news and great news. The good news is that God thinks I’m one of the three most powerful people in the world. The great news is that we don’t have to fix the bugs in the new Windows package.’

• What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.

• I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

• Man: Hello, my computer is reporting a fatal error!Customer Support: Well there's nothing we can do now, you should have called us when it was still critical!

• Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

• Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

• A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

• A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

• Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive

• A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage."No thanks, I'm traveling light."

• This must be the 8th castle because I just found my princess.

• The extra RAM slots have tractor parts stored in them.

• How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.

• I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

• While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!""What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

• You are my methods. I am nothing without you.

• I needed to quickly run a SQL command to update a single row in an Oracle DB table at work. To my horror, it came back with –2,193,674 rows affected.

• You are one well-defined function!

• Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

• A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

• Where does the acronym LOTUS come from?Let Only Users Suffer.

• The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

• In a car there are two persons: a car mechanic and a programmer. They where going to work when suddenly the car broke down. The car mechanic tries to make the car work again but no solution. Suddenly the programmer says:I say we better FORMAT it!!!

• I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.

• A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!" The programmer smiles and walks on.Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?""I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.But a talking frog is pretty neat."

• Twitter is just LinkedIn for the chronically unemployed.

• My wifi suddenly stop working then I realized that my neighbors have not paid the bill. How irresponsible people are.

• If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.

• What do you get if you cross an iPhone and a fridge?Cool music.

• Which way did the programmer go? He went data way!

• A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university.After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman’s breast.Woman: Hey! That’s private OK ?The man hesitated for a second looking confused.Man: But I thought we were in the same class.

• Every function without you will always be void of love.

• "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?""No...""Inheritance."

• At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

• One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

• HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!

• How do two programmers make money?One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

• What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

• There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "Great" he said,"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

• Don't worry honey, they call it my dual-channel RAM.

• The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

• Why did the lumberjack get nowhere with the internet? He kept logging on and off.

• Caller: Hey, can you help me? My computer has locked up, and no matter how many times I type eleven, it won’t unfreeze.Agent: What do you mean, “type eleven?”Caller: The message on my screen says, “Error Type 11!”

• An engineer, a manager and a programmer are driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes fail and the car careens down the road until it hits a tree. They all get out and discuss how to fix the car. The manager says, ‘To fix this problem we need to organise a committee and develop a mission statement.’ The engineer says, ‘That would take too long. I have my penknife here. I’ll take apart the brake system, isolate the problem, and correct it.’ The programmer says, ‘No, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.’

• Baby, let's configure our hard drives in master and slave position.

• I would actually use Siri if the voice sounded like Morgan Freeman.

• Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.""Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

• What is the other name for the ‘Intel Inside?'"The warning label." {Intel inside.......fool is outside}.

• We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

• How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?Three. One to change it, and two to complain about how bad GE's customer support is.

• Daddy, how was I born? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

• To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

• What would a computer geek is going to do after seeing a beautiful woman? "Immediately start downloading it."

• A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

• I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

• The six front keys have rotted out.

• New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hardto estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.I will think of a password other than "password."I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

• When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

• Bill Gates dies and goes to God. God says to him:Because you invented the screen saver I give you the possibility to go wherever you want. God shoes Bill that in hell there are lots of naked chicks and beaches. So he chooses hell. After a while God returns and asks him if he like’s it there. Bill says:No! Where are all the chicks you just showed me?Oh that! That was just a screen saver.

• A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

• Womens are like computer virus...they ENTER your life...SEARCH your pocket...SHIFT your balance ...CONTROL your life...when you become an old version DELET you from the system

• I dropped my laptop into the ocean the other day.Now I have a Dell rolling in the deep.

• Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.

• It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

• Home is where the wifi connects automatically.

• I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

• Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people’s computers.

• It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

• Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

• Failure is not an option—it comes bundled with the software.

• Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.

• What do Scientists have for snacks?Micro-chips.

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

• Why did the boy mouse like the girl mouse? They just seemed to click.

• Life is too short to remove USB safely.

• A customer comes into the computer store. I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Vista?"

• A big party is being held to honor relational database systems and their impact on modern society. Outside the venue, the host awaits the guests.The first limousine arrives and out steps Oracle followed by 4 people.Host: Who have you brought along?Oracle: I have 4 DBA’s in tow. One to install me, one to design the databases, one to administer me, and the other to justify the cost.A second limo arrives and out steps DB2 followed by 40 people.Host: Who have you bought along?DB2: I have 2 DBA’s, 2 hardware specialists, and 36 consultants.A third limo arrives and out steps SQL Server all on his own.Host: Why haven’t you brought anyone?SQL Server: I didn’t bring anyone because I am easy to install and am basically self managing. But I did bring the #sqlhelp Twitter hashtag for when the excrement hits the fan.20 minutes later, up rushes MySQL, unshaved, hair a mess.Host: Where have you been MySQL?MySQL: Sorry, I thought it was February 31st.

• I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

• Programming is like sex.One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

• Windows: Weapon off mass destruction!

• A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son:"Dad, what is Windows 95?""Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."

• Angry geek dad shouted to kid, "End of discussion; Semicolon;"

• Virus "Windows" found: Delete, Repair, Next?

• Did you hear about the music app that is preloaded on every iPhone 6 plus?GarageBend.

• If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

• Girlfriend pregnant error... Abort, Marry, Ignore?

• Windows, the world's first commercially successful virus!

• There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who have regular sex.

• How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

• Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.

• How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

• What does the informatics teacher scream when he’s drowning? -F1, F1, F1...

• A press release: "Yesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence."

• What did the spider do on the computer?Made a website!

• Error, no keyboard.Press F1 to continue.

• What do you get if you cross a computer with a herb?A thyme machine.

• Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.

• Every mobile phone user has complained like this:Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, because now I have to change the whole text.

• How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!

• A computer programmer has been missing from work for over a week.Finally someone notices and calls the police. They break down the door of his flat where they find him dead in the shower, an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. The programmer seems to have died from a combination of exposure and exhaustion. The puzzle is explained when the police read the instructions on the shampoo bottle – ‘Wet hair. Apply shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.’

• Customer: “My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at a British comedy site.”Tech Support: “Yes, what is the problem?”Customer: “The ‘.uk’ at the end — doesn’t that stand for United Kingdom?”Tech Support: “Yes.”Customer: “Just great — I knew it! He’s in trouble now! He was there for almost a half hour! How much does AOL charge for long distance?”Tech Support: “It does not work that way. You can surf anywhere without long distance charges.”Customer: “No, I am sure AOL charges extra. It doesn’t make any sense that they wouldn’t. England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to.”After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL. A while later she called back.Customer: “Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites. I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL.”Tech Support: “Yes?”Customer: “Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?”Tech Support: “Trust me — they don’t.”Customer: “Wonderful! My oldest son works in Sweden. He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn’t know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone. This will save us lots of money! Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service.”

• If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.The rest of them will write Perl programs.

• Two geeks are talking over lunch.The first guy says, “You wouldn’t believe what happened this morning. A girl rode up to me on her bike, took off all her clothes, and said ‘Take whatever you want!’ … So I took the bike”The second guy says, “Good choice, her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

• Do you like the internet? Cause I can put you on there if you come back to my place.

• Two programmers after work, talking in a pub:- You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar.- And what did you do ?- I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her.- Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then ?- I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop.- Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications ?

• Hey baby, I'm a power source, and you're the kind of resistor i'd like to deliver my load to.

• Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option.""Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!""That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan."The bottle has a hole in it!""What about the PC?""It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan."And it's missing three keys,""Which three?""Control, Alt and Delete."

• You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones.

• I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.

• Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

• My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.

• An internet maniac boy asks his father:Daddy, why do we have five fingers if the mouse has only two buttons?

• A Microsoft support technician goes to a firing range. He shoots ten bullets at the target 50m away. The supervisors check the target and see that there’s not even a single hit. They shout to him that he missed completely. The technician tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. The technician then aims the gun at his finger and shoots, blasting it off. He shouts back, ‘It’s working fine here! The problem must be at your end!’

• Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

• Steve Jobs was an amazing man. He will live in my hard drive forever!

• Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

• A life? Cool… Where can I download one of those?

• Having been erased, The document you’re seeking Must now be retyped.

• Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday

• Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.” Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell.It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. “This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!” “Fine,” said God and off they went.Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. “Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God. “Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked.Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”God says, “That was the screen saver”.

• Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.

• Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

• I walked into the computer repair place with my broken Macintosh computer. I looked at the stack of them on the rack and said, ‘What’s that, Broke Mac Mountain?’

• Why did the computer get cold?Because it forgot to close windows.

• HR manager to job candidate: ‘I see you’ve had no computer training.Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.’

• You realize that you are dependent of the internet when:You forget in what year you are.You get out from you’re room and you discover that you’re parent moved and you don’t even know when that happened.You dream only of quick connections.You open you’re interphone when you get out from you’re room so you can hear when you get an e-mail.

• What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

• A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fucked now".

• Funny facts about Google users:50% of people use Google well as a search engine.The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

• Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting.During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, “Oh, that’s my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call.”So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, “Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way I can take a call anywhere.”The others nod and the meeting continues.Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He states, “Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call.” So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, “I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth.”The others nod, and the meeting continues.Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart.He looks up at the others staring at him and says, “Somebody get me a piece of paper… I’m receiving a FAX."

• You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts...Man, and do you have life?OMG, No! Could you send me a link?

• Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I'll give you sudo access.

• Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine."

• What does a network administrator say when he gets back to home from work ?There’s no place like 127.0.0.1!

• Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None, that's a hardware problem.

• Why is the Apple still reporting record profits from iPhone sales?Because iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them.

• Caller: Oh, no, it’s just the stupid, stupid design of this computer. Every time I want to click something, I have to unplug the keyboard to plug in the mouse. And then every time I want to use the keyboard again, I have to unplug the mouse. Because there’s only one jack.Agent: Ma’am, you do realize that there’s a jack on the keyboard itself? You’re supposed to plug the mouse into the keyboard, and the keyboard into the computer.Caller: Are you kidding me!? Oh, wait a minute—yes, I see it now! Oh, holy cow. That’s going to be so much easier!Agent: Just out of curiosity, how long have you been using your computer that way?Caller: Six weeks!

• The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

• Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

• How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?Yes.

• Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle, he opens it and a Genie appears. The Genie says, "I have been trapped for 1000 years. As a reward you can make a wish." Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Middle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East. The Genie replies, "I don't know I can do a lot, but this? Don't you have another wish?" Bill Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft because we have conquered the software market and because Windows still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us. The Genie says, "Let me see that map again."

• I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

• With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: ‘My Novel’ not found.

• A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

• My New Years resolution is 1080p.

• Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and restart. Order shall return.

• Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping? The trolley kept falling off the computer.

• Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1! F1!”, but no one understood.

• How many Microsoft programmers does it take to start the November 5th bonfire?Zero Microsoft declares darkness to be a new standard.

• Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

• What do you get when you cross an apple with a nun? A computer that won’t go down.

• Two bloggers chatting:Mom: Son, it’s snowing so nice.Son: Where, Give me the link please.

• Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

• A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.He sees a monkey with a price of 5000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details.Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games.- Good monkey, it’s worth the money.He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10000$ and again he will ask the merchant.What does this monkey know?It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad.Nice, even I don’t know those things.On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20000$.The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details.And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!

• ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

• What do you get if you cross a computer and a policeman?PC Plod.

• Two computers in the same LAN chatting one night:PC1: I was having a nightmare last night, it was so horrible.PC2: Why, what did you dream about ?PC1: I was sleeping, dreaming 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 0 when all of a sudden a 2 popped up!

• A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife :Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!!What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?No, restart the router, please!

• Two geeks are talking over lunch.The first guy says, “You wouldn’t believe what happened this morning. A girl rode up to me on her bike, took off all her clothes, and said ‘Take whatever you want!’ … So I took the bike”The second guy says, “Good choice, her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

• What’s an Athlon at 1,2 GHz processor that runs for 9 minutes without a cooler called?8.5 minutes burned processor.

• What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? The car salesman can probably drive!

• Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in a vivid display, an angelic chorus pouring from the speakers. Satan is astonished, ‘How did he manage that?’ God replies, ‘You might have lost everything, but Jesus saves.’

• The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...

• A businessman is invited for an audience with the Pope but finds it clashes with a meeting he has with Bill Gates. The businessman asks his secretary which appointment he should go to. ‘Definitely the Pope,’ replies the secretary. ‘He’ll only expect you to kiss his hand.’

• You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.

• A guy tells his friends:The girl I was dating broke my heart, so I broke her Apple iPhone 5. You all know who cried more

• This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it’s dimwit resistant.

• Q: What is height of Craziness?A: Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

• Computers are like air conditioners.They work fine until you start opening windows.

• Double your drive space.Delete Windows!

• A tourist was drowning in the sea:Help! Help! He screams.Very calm the fisherman says:Press F1 already and stop screaming. You’re scaring the fishes away.

• A girl started noticing a guy who stands in front of her home everyday in the evening.She noticed the guy always comes mostly in the evenings and weekends.The guy never tried to talk to her nor showed any gesture, he just moves here and there by looking into his mobile phone and occasionally stealing a stare at her.It went on like that for a year and the girl understood the guy was in love with her but was too shy to express his feelings. So, she told her parents. They too saw him and liked him. They discussed with her grandparents about a likely marriage. But wanted her to make the first move.The next day, she went to him and said, Hi. I'm Jada.He said, Hi. I'm Smith.Hearing this, the girl was very happy as the names were matching like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.The girl went on and said, I really appreciate your patience and decency. You have been standing in front of my home everyday for about a year now. So, I understand that you are in love with me but too shy to say it. I think i really like you too and would love it if we get married.The guy smiled and said, Forgive me sister! Actually your home's WIFI doesn't have a password. So, i come here every evening after work to use free wi-fi to chat with my girlfriend.

• Two programmers in a bar:Do you see that chick there? Look at here “properties”!Yes, I’ve already “tested” here last night... they are read-only!

• Hit any user to continue.

• A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".Lady: I can't see your computer...Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

• Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1! F1!”, but no one understood.

• What is a cursor? Someone having computer problems.

• According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating?Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.

• If you were a browser, you'd be called FireFoxy.

• I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

• Customer: “I can’t seem to connect to the Internet.”Tech Support: “Ah, right. What operating system are you running?”Customer: “Netscape.”Tech Support: “No, what version of Windows are you using?”Customer: “Uhhh…Hewlett Packard?”Tech Support: “No, Right click on ‘My Computer,’ and select properties on the menu.”Customer: “Your computer? It’s my computer!”

• What's an extroverted IT professional? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you, instead of his own.

• If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

• James Bond got this email from a friend: CanYouPleaseFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

• Someone calls at the hotline:Good evening.I’ve just installed Windows 98...So?Wheel I have a problem...Ok, ok, you just said that...

• What goes ‘choo choo choo’ while online? Thomas the search engine.

• You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine!

• Linux is like wigwam: no Gates, no Windows and Apache inside.

• A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.""You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist."I do" replies the man. "How did you know?""Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."The man below replies, "You must work in management.""I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?""Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

• Yo momma so FAT, she can't save files bigger than 4 GB.

• What do computers eat when they get hungry? "Chips."

• How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus?Don't worry, they'll let you know.

• Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered? Because he had a chip on his shoulder.

• One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

• Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer?A: There's white-out all over the screen.

• Q:Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain?A:Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!

• What do you get if you cross a Kindle with an Apple iPhone 4S?4Skin.

• Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don’t. And there will be a special name for them – secretaries.

• If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you.

• Bill Gates is judged for bigamy.He says:If you live with two women’s it does not mean bigamy, it means multitasking.

• A system administrator has 2 problems:- dumb users- smart users

• Getting a red heart instead of a yellow star makes me feel like things are moving a little too fast between us.

• My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

• Who said Windows 98 is a virus was wrong.Why?Because a virus does something.

• Q: How many Apple Iphone 6 early adopters does it take to change a light bulb?A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!

• How come the women loves the PC?It’s easier to turn on!

• Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?

• A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.”The surprised salesman replies, “But, madam, computers do not have curtains.”And the blonde said, “Helloooo…. I’ve got Windows!”

• A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.