Attitude Jokes

• I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.




• The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

• To the question ‘What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative.

• I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

• It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.

• Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

• Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

• I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.

• Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.I am wearing a house.

• You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

• For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.

• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

• How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

• I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right!

• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

• A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

• Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.

• In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way.

• Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!

• Dance Dance Revolution is an intense game but an even more intense to-do list

• You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.

• I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

• If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner.

• You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.

• I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE"?

• White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.

• We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.

• Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now.

• I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

• Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

• What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? Her: What? You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name)

• Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine."

• RSVP: ??yes ??no ??yes now but then no later on

• Cancer cures smoking.

• Legends don't die... I am a living example!

• You can't have everything, where would you put it?

• Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

• What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!

• When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

• It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.

• Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

• I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

• If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield.

• I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

• Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?

• Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.

• If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.

• The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

• The only reason I've been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

• I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.

• Is yur name Atilla cuz you can be my hun anytime!

• I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said "If you can read this the b*tch fell off."

• Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

• Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.

• You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

• Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

• I don't do different things... It's just that I do things differently!

• Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...

• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

• Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.

• Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

• I am known at the gym as the "before picture."

• How is education going to make me smarter?

• You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.

• The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over.

• I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.

• THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

• I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.

• Here's $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.

• Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

• You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

• Do you need space? Join NASA!

• Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

• Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no.

• My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

• Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.

• If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!

• The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.

• Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.

• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

• Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.

• A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

• People who make you feel special are keepers. Anyone with such good taste has to be admired.

• Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.

• God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.

• If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.

• I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

• Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?

• Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.

• That whole "letting go" of your ex is always more satisfying when they're dangling over an abyss.

• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

• I'm in the mood to multiply

• I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

• How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!

• They lie about marijuana: "Marijuana makes you unmotivated." Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference.

• I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.

• If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look.

• Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.

• The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

• Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?

• A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…

• I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

• A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

• The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.

• 3-year-old: What's a swear word?Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.3:Me:3: Is my middle name a swear word?

• I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.

• You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number

• "What else can we think about?"- Insomnia

• A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

• I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.

• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

• An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

• Honk all you want, but if I don't eat these donuts at this green light I'll have to share them at home.

• If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.

• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

• I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.

• Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"

• 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

• The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

• I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.

• I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

• Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.

• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."

• I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.

• Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

• I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

• I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.

• Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.

• I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.

• Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

• Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.

• All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.

• When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

• My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

• The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

• Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.

• You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.

• Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.

• I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

• A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

• There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!

• Virginity is curable.

• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

• I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.

• Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

• Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.

• I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.

• Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?

• I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

• Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

• I'm smiling. This should scare you.

• I became a vegetarian – switched to weed.

• Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.

• Before I buy a leaf blower I want to make sure I understand the rules. We just blow the leaves at each other's houses, right?

• Even if you were eaten, there will still be a two way out.

• Never trust a dog to watch your food.

• The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.

• Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.

• I've had so much to drink that you're beginning to look good.

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

• Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

• If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits.

• don't regret doing things, regret getting caught

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

• All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

• Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing – you will not only regret but will also suffer.

• Hit snooze until the panic sets in.

• One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.

• My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

• I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

• If you were a pole I would dance all over you.

• Don't make me use UPPERCASE.

• If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

• If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

• Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

• My drinking team has a bowling problem.

• How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

• Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.

• When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

• For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.

• If at first you don't succeed: try management.

• My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.

• If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.

• Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

• Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.

• People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.

• When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

• Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

• My hope for you is that you someday find the end of your sentence

• Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

• There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.

• You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

• If you were a triangle youd be acute one.

• I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

• To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female…

• Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.

• Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

• I'm not lazy... I'm just on my energy saving mode.

• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

• I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

• When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

• I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics.

• Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry…

• Where does one apply to be a "kept man"?

• In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is – I don't have such a principle.

• Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

• I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!

• How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

• Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday

• No Déjà vu please...I Don't want to go through that again

• Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.

• I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.

• Are my undies showing? ["No."] "Would you like them to?"

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

• If you're going through Hell, keep going.

• If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President

• Do you like the internet? Cause I can put you on there if you come back to my place.

• If it ain't broke, I haven't borrowed it yet.

• If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

• Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.

• I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff... and I want it (:

• Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

• Girl:want to have a good time Guy:sure Girl:for you its free

• Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.

• I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?

• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

• Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

• Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?

• I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

• I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.

• You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.

• You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

• I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.

• A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

• I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

• Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

• Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

• If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.

• Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

• I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"

• I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

• I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

• I don't care how old I am, I will see Finding Dory.

• I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!" Fucking b*tch.

• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

• Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...

• If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.

• A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.

• Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

• Everything is rightly confused.

• If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind…

• She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

• I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium.

• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

• Who's your friend?

• If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

• I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

• That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.

• Ask me about my vow of silence.

• Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

• If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.

• I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"

• I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

• You're not sure – outrun and make sure.

• Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.

• Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

• I'm Only Here For The Free Food

• If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

• I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

• I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

• I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

• Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.

• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

• Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

• Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.

• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

• If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two.

• Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

• Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.

• How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

• Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

• It's funny how one person can make you never trust anybody...

• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

• Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

• If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.

• Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!

• Shut up, will you?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?

• I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen.

• Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

• I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.

• When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

• Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

• I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

• I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.

• When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.

• I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.

• I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

• There are no limits to my perfection – a monkey was thinking while looking at a human.

• It's gonna be ok.

• My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house

• My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.

• You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

• If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.

• Stop with the blind jokes ... I don´t see the point.

• If you are here - who is running hell?

• Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...

• We must pay for the mistakes of our youth… at the drugstore.