Black Humour Jokes

• A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says:I can not proceed in this way.And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:We can not proceed in this way.And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:We can not proceed in this way.And they dig up the woman.




• What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?A cherry float.

• Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died."You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

• Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill.

• "If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"

• Smith was hit by a car, died, and went to heaven. And everyone who goes to heaven has to work. God went up to Smith, and said: Smith, you are going to make babies. Here is this wheel, and every time you turn it, a baby will come out. For hours, Smith spun the wheel at full speed, then he started to get tired. As he was slowing down, a black baby came out...and Smith said: **** I better hurry because they are burning."

• Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?Shut up, and give me more bullets.

• Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second."You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

• Q: What's a polygon?A: A dead parrot.

• Woman patient: "Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die."Doctor: "You did the right thing to call me."

• A large number of Black soldiers died in Iraq war because every time their chief said:"Get on the floor!" they stood up and started dancing.

• Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.

• A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says:- I can not proceed in this way.And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:- We can not proceed in this way.And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:- We can not proceed in this way.And they dig up the woman.

• Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A: With a knife.

• Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

• A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers".She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

• How do you make a baby drink?Stick it in the blender.

• Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’?A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.

• What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ?One's composing, the other is decomposing.

• I'm thinking about opening a summer camp for jewish kids with adhd and dyslexia, I'm gonna call it Concentration camp.

• Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner? So they can take bubble baths.

• Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside."Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade.""Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

• Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife?When she spread her legs he saw bush.

• What do you call of 6 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.

• What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape? The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun

• What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.

• Q: Why can't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is.

• A man goes to the doctor and says "I need birth control for my 10 year old daughter"The doctor replies "She's 10 years old and sexually active?"The man says" Active? Hell no! Most of the time se just lies there and cries."

• Bill Gates goes to purgatory.St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.Bill chooses Hell.About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

• If you're scared of dying alone then become a bus driver.

• Q: Whats worse then finding half a worm in your apple?A: The Holocaust.

• Q: How do you get a black out of a tree?A: Cut the rope.

• I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers.Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

• Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ?A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

• How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?His hand slipped.

• Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened."First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner."Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?""Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.""Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector."Thought he was having his picture taken.

• Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!

• How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?He became a vegetarian.

• Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.

• Are you lost, ma'am? Because Heaven's a long way from here.

• "My son, this is your senior year at school so your mom and I decided that you’re going to be a doctor.""But what are you saying dad? You know very well that I’m not in a position even to... kill a mosquito."

• Q: Why doesn't Mexico have any teams competing in the Olympics?A: Because all of the Mexicans that can run, swim, and jump have left the country.

• What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A baby playing in a plastic bag.

• A woman is speaking to her friend, ‘My husband has got one foot in the grate.’‘Don’t you mean one foot in the “grave”?’ says the friend. ‘No,’ replies the woman. ‘He wants to be cremated.’

• There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

• A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in."The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds."

• Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels?A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.

• Q: What was Hitler's favorite toy as a kid?A: An Easy-Bake Oven.

• And these kids do not deserve a present from me, because they have not been eating well this year, - said Santa Claus, flying over the starving kids in Sudan.

• Anal sex is like your first car - you dont? really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.

• Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.

• It is genetically pre-recorded in men’s brain to look for a women, which is alike his mother – said Mr. John to the judge at the court, where he was being blamed for raping his sister.

• Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

• My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool.I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary...""That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."

• Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.

• Hitler got a heart attack when he saw the gas bill.

• There are only two things to worry about:Either you are well, or you are sick.If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.But if your sick, there are two things to worry about.Either you will get well, or you will die.If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.But if you die, there are only two things to worry about.Either you will go to heaven or hell.If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.

• Q: What's the only thing faster than a black man running away with your TV?A: His son running away with your VCR.

• Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?A: Is that you coughin'?

• How are babies and the elderly alike? Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.

• How do you save a nigger from drowning?You take your foot of his head!

• One step forward, 12 floors down.

• Q: What does FUBU really stand for? A: Farmers used to buy us.

• What goes: "Click-is that it? Click-is that it? Click-is that it?"A blind person with a rubix cube.

• Q: What did the deaf, blind, mute girl get for Christmas? A: Cancer.

• What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.

• Daddy to his son:I don't care if you are dating a black girl - they are all pink on the inside.

• What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday?He ate himself.

• What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

• A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.The e-mail reads:Dearest Wife,Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.P.S. Sure is hot down here.

• What has more brains than a dead baby? The wall behind it.

• How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.

• Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.""But I could be dead by then!""No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."

• What's red and crawls up your leg? A homesick miscarriage.

• A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

• Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was almost killed in a traffic accident?A: Some dick cut her off.

• Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking. Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd. Approaching the owner and he asks him:"What happened here, man?""Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said. "Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?""My dog bit her…""You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?""Get in line!"

• How do you prepare a dead baby for Valentine's Day? You shove a box of chocolates down his throat and a bouquet of roses up his ass.

• Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.

• Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.

• The best thing about Alzheimer's Disease is that you get to meet so many new people.

• The only church which is disseminating light and warmth is the burning church.

• First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them? Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.

• Old man: "Can you give me an erection?"Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."

• First cannibal: "I can't find anything to eat!"Second cannibal: "But the jungle's full of people." First cannibal: "Yes, but they're all very unsavory."

• Q: Why do German shower heads have 11 holes? A: Jews have 10 fingers.

• In a monastery senior sister announces to other sisters:I have a good and a bad news for you. The good one is that they have broughts to use a lot of carrots.All the sisters start whistling happily. But one of them asks:What are the bad news?Carrots came grated.

• What's better than 10 dead babies in 1 bag? 1 dead baby in 10 bags.

• Two cannibals were having lunch. "Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other. "Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."

• Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."

• Two clones are on a roof. One clone pushes the other clone off.The next day the police arrest him for making an obscene clone fall.

• Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.

• Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

• First Cannibal: "Who was that girl I saw you with last night?"Second Cannibal: "That was no girl, that was my supper."

• Who are the fastest readers in the world?9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.

• I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store. I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...

• Why is there always hot water at childbirth? In case of a stillbirth, soup.

• Q: What's the difference between Auschwitz and Sarajevo?A: At least they had gas in Auschwitz.

• Late in the night he regained consciousness.He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

• When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the exact same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car.

• What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children. You put groceries in the other.

• What's purple, covered in pus and squeals? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

• Q: Where do one-legged people eat?A: IHOP.

• Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.

• The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

• Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads? Because they're headcases.

• A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

• What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

• What's yellow and black and makes you laugh ?A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.

• What's funnier than cancer?Most things, really.

• What is a cannibal's favorite food? Baked Beings.

• How do the fairy-tales of the whites and the blacks differ?The stories of whites start: Once upon a time...The stories of blacks start: Yo, man, you won't believe what a f**k has happened to me...

• Who's the most famous Jewish cook in history? Hitler.

• What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?Their last big hit was The Wall.

• Q: Who may open the door without using hands, nor legs? A: An invalid.

• There are four people from different counties on the Empire State Building. One is Japanese, one is French, one is Mexican, and one is American. They all want to throw something off the building that they have a lot of in their country. The Japanese guy goes first. He throws off sushi.There is a lot of sushi in my country.Next is the French guy. He throws off a condom.There is too much love in my country.Next is the Mexican. He throws off a taco.There is too much taco in my country.Next goes the American. He looks around him and picks the Mexican up and throws him of the building and says:There are too much Mexicans in my country.

• A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

• What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?Popeye almost killed him!

• A guy wasn’t feeling well and went to the doctor for a check up.He did the tests and waited. After a while, the doctor came in with the results."Unfortunately, I have very bad news! You’re seriously ill! You have really not much time to live..""Doctor..! How much time do I have..?""Ten...""Ten what? Months? Years? What?!""Nine...Eight...Seven..."

• How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.

• Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes.""What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician."Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

• Patient: "Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?"Doctor: "That is what I want to find out myself."

• A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around. „What on earth are you doing?!" asks a passer-by. The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around a bit."

• Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.“OOPS!”

• Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead.I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.

• An apple and a black person both fall off a tree at the exact same time who hits the ground first?The apple because the rope catches the black person.

• Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A: A pedophile.

• Why did the little girl fall off of her bike?Because she didn't have any arms.

• Q: Why did cow cross road?A: To find to the udder side.

• Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead??!!!”“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”“What a horrible way to die!”“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”“Man, what a way to go!”“No no, he survived that, he survived that! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”“Now that is one awful way to go!”“No no, he survived that…”“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”“I shot him!”“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”“He was wrecking my house.”

• What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

• Whats the difference between a jew camp and a summer camp? The kids come back.

• Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....

• Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork? So you can tell which ones are still alive.

• What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?The AIDS team.

• I just ended a long-term relationship today.I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

• How can you help a starving cannibal?Give him a helping hand.

• I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

• What's black and red, wears high top Reeboks and cant go through a revolving door?A nigger with a spear through his head.

• What rule could stop HIV in Africa? Sex after dinner only.

• Who may open the door without using hands, nor legs? An invalid.

• Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good." To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."

• Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.

• What's red and dances all around? A baby on a barbecue

• The only church which is disseminating light and warmth is the burning church.

• The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

• What do you call a baby on a stick? A Kebabie.

• Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?Answer: Shorten the chain.

• How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? Nail its other hand to the floor.

• Doctor to patient: "Why are you nervous?"Patient: "Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation."Doctor: "But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation."

• A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

• How did they know that the driver had dandruff?They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

• Europe to Iceland:Why did you send us volcanic ash? Our airspace has shut down.Iceland: What? That's what you asked for isn't it?Europe: NO! We said cash! CASH!Iceland: Woooops...

• How the children from Chernobil count from one to hundred?On the fingers!

• I love blacks. It's a pitty they are not being traded anymore...

• Why is Hitler never invited to BBQ's?He always burns the franks.

• What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law?There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

• One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

• A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying.He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her.She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss.She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says.So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."

• Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?""I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding.""You got a silver compact and a red pickup?""The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom.""I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot.""I don't care! Just do it!"The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

• What's pink and chunky? A baby with leprosy.

• Did you hear about the black guy that died on the highway?He stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death.

• What do u call a black priest?Holy shit.

• One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.The doctor, looking his watch says:Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can’t help you. Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.The doctor, angrily says:I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you. You must pass here tomorrow.But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead. Don’t you see that I have a knife in the back.The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients’ eye.Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.

• How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? With a blender!

• Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?"Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."

• A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

• I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.

• "I'm going to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. But it is just a formality." "Who told you that?" "Gynecologist."

• A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says:- I can not proceed in this way.And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:- We can not proceed in this way.And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:- We can not proceed in this way.And they dig up the woman.

• Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer.""Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

• A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

• A school in the United States is on fire. One fireman is throwing the kids through the window, while the other one is standing on the ground and catching them. After half of an hour the upper fireman asks:Hey man, why aren't you catching black kids?Oh damn, I thought these were the burnt ones.

• Q: What do you call an afghan virginA: Never bin laid on.

• Death is God’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re not alive any more.’

• What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

• Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?""Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?""Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news.""Gimme the good news first," says Sol.Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

• Q: Did you hear her eyes were blue?A: Yeah, one blew this way, one blew that way...

• Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."

• What do you call 100 niggers on the bottom of the sea?A good start.

• While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen."I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase."Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.

• What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?The dashboard.

• What do you buy a dead baby for its birthday?A dead puppy!

• Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?A: He didn't have any arms.

• Doctor: "You have cataract in your eyes. But you need not worry It is hereditary."Patient: "Death is also hereditary. Does it mean we should not worry about it?"

• Why did Princess Diana cross the road?She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

• The worst place to have a heart attack is during a gama of cherades....Especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad guessers.

• The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex. But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.

• A bunch of new recruits are making their first parachute jump.The sergeant gives instructions: "After you jump out of the plane, count slowly to 10. Your parachute will automatically open. If it doesn't, pull the emergency cord. When you get to the drop zone, there'll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base. Move out!"As scared as they are, they all make it out the door.The last recruit jumps out and slowly counts to 10 -- nothing. He frantically fumbles around and finds the emergency handle. He jerks on the cord, and it comes off in his hand.Raising his head to the heavens, he screams, "I bet them trucks ain't waiting either!!"

• I bet Rosa Parks killed it in musical chairs.

• Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?A. He thought it was a home delivery service.

• Q: What do you do when you see a black man with half a face? A: Stop laughing and reload.

• Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?A: To see her crack.

• What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.

• My grandfather can no longer do the things he loved to do as a teenager.Flying planes, bombing Germans...

• A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

• On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.She said,”I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.”And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?”And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

• A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?”The host said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.”“What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter.“My ex-wife” replied the hunter.

• What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib ? A Pedophiles ass.

• Why was the cannibal fined by the judge? He was caught poaching.

• A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies. He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened. The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes. The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?The golf pro said that they did paint them into black robot caddies, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

• I wish I could see things from your point of view, unfortunately I can't stick my head that far up my ass.

• My Girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

• There was a 3 car accident in Mexico yesterday, 84 people were found dead.

• Me: "Here comes the airplane!"Baby: Opens mouth.Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"

• My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know?Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

• Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses.He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?"The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.There is a silence, then a shot is heard.Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"

• Why did Hitler go to the eye doctor?Because he can Nazi.

• Fred and DooDah go to their favorite lake to fish. After getting out on the water, DooDah hooks a huge fish, which pulls him overboard, and he drowns.Fred is brokenhearted and goes to tell DooDah's wife the news. She opens the door and hears Fred sing: "Guess who drowned in the lake today? DooDah! DooDah!"

• A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

• John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died."David: "Doctor, he didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

• So an old man, a Catholic priest, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and that's just one person!

• Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?Shut up, and give me more bullets.

• How the children from Chernobil count from one to hundred?On the fingers!

• My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

• How did the tugboat get AIDS?It was rear-ended by a ferry.

• One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor:- Help me, please. I have a knife in my back.The doctor, looking his watch says:- Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can’t help you. Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8.- But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now.The doctor, angrily says:- I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you. You must pass here tomorrow.- But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead. Don’t you see that I have a knife in the back.The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients’ eye.- Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.

• How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.

• A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.Suddenly, Lorraine died.At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

• So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.Boy "Hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared."Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

• Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy says, "I’d like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."The second guy says, "I’d like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."The last guy replies, "I’d like to hear them say…… look at him, he's moving!"

• A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"The undertaker does as he is told.On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

• Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?A. They both live off dead Beatles.

• A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.Lorraine dies suddenly.At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

• Want to hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles.Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.

• A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her but he can't.Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, "Don't worry. I got him with the door!"

• Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

• What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.

• Q: What's blue and doesn't fit?A: A dead epileptic.

• A Mexican, white guy, and a black guy all go to hell and the devil told them that if they can walk across his hand without burning in flames, then he will give them a second life on earth.The white guy was really confident...first step, he caught a fire a disappeared.The Mexican, nervously toke the first step and noticed that he wasn't dead, he took a couple more steps and disappeared.The black guy started walking and made it all the way across without burning to flames.Satan was shocked and asked him how he did it and the black guy replied "chocolate melts in your mouth not your hands"

• The judge asks the murderer:Why did you kill that old lady?For money..But you got only 20 centsYes, but killing five of them would already make a dollar.

• Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"Ask your sister""I don't have a..."

• How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"

• The other day a friend and myself decided to try out an aerobics video because we were both feeling very unfit. We put the tape in and started to copy the movements. After a few minutes we had chopped each other's arms off with chain-saws. It was only then that we realized that I had accidentally put "Psycho Killers III" in the video by mistake!How we laughed!!!!

• What's the good part of there being no blacks on the Jetsons?It means the future will be great!

• What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals? A bus load of babies on fire.

• Q: What is height of Suicide?A: A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

• A single car crash kills a Mexican family.15 people died.

• how do you keep a black person out of your backyard?Hang one in the front.

• How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole? Stick a javelin through it's head.

• What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A baby with a punctured lung.

• Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? Because they're hand made.

• A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end. "Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?""The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life.""Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

• Why did the nigger cross the road?Who the fuck cares, why is he out of the cotton field?

• Only nowadays there appeared a possibility to realize yourselfe: sell your liver, kidneis, skeleton...

• How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.

• The reason why women will never be the ones who propose is that as soon as they get on their knees, man starts unzipping.

• Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire?Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.

• Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.

• Q: Why do you put babies into a blender feet first?A: So you can see the look in their eyes when you turn it on!

• Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?A: Because you can see right through them!

• There's some soldiers in Vietnam. And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes. When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back."So they lay down fire, and he runs off into the jungle. But he's gone for a good half an hour, they're finally convinced that he's been murdered by Charlie when they hear the signal. So they lay down fire and he sprints out of the jungle and leaps back into the trench.So obviously they're pretty confused. They ask "what the hell took you so long man?"The guy says, "well i was just finishing up my business, when I met this beautiful Vietnamese girl, and we just started having sex right there. we did every position imaginable, missionary, doggy style, everything. It was great."One of his buddies asks "Well did you get any head?"He replies "There was no head."

• Knock KnockWhose there?9/119/11 who?I thought you said you would never forget.

• Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!"Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!"Father: "But you have to start with something!"

• Q: Whats the difference between a box full of dead babies and a cadillac?A: I don't have a cadillac in my garage.

• What do you call a nun in a wheel chair?Virgin mobile.

• A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it.This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.

• If you want to feed an injured woodpecker, take it by the tail and hit it to the tree.

• A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him "I bet you've never been hugged before."The legless man shakes his head.Then the second blonde says, "I bet you've never been kissed before." The legless man shakes his head again.Then the third blonde says, "I bet you've never been fucked before."The legless man says, "No."The third blonde replies, "Well you are now because the tide is coming in!"

• Q: Why are jelly beans alot like the world? A: Because everyone hates the black ones.

• Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

• What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.

• How many dead babies does it take to change a tire? Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.

• Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it's the only love they get.

• There are 3 men on a plane a Mexican an American and a Russian the Mexican says "I hate my country!" And throughs a soup out the window the American says "I hate my country" and throughs a pie out the window. The Russian says "I hate my country!" And throughs a bomb out the window. Then the plane lands and the Mexican sees a kid crying the Mexican says "what's wrong kid?" The kid says "a soup fell on my mom's head and she burnt to death." "I didn't do that" says the Mexican. The American was walking and saw a kid crying "what's wrong kid?" The kid says "my mom was driving and a pie fell on her windshield and drove off a cliff cause she couldn't see!" "I didn't do that" says the American. Then the Russian gets off the plane and saw a kid laughing his head off. The Russian says "what's so funny?" The kid says " daddy farted and the house went BOOM BOOM!"

• How can you tell if you have acne?If the blind can read your face.

• "Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?""He was sacked for making a grave mistake."

• My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

• Two Arabs are sitting in the Gaza Strip chatting over a pint of goats milk.One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing."This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."Here's my second son. He's a martyr too!"After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says , They blow up so fast, don't they?"

• An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."

• I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the shit happened on the ninth of November anyway?

• *Wakes up to wife and son screaming*Me: "What are you guys yelling about?"Them: "You're driving!"

• What would it take to reunite the Beatles?Two more bullets.

• A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby.The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me.""Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man."No way, you're disgusting, go away."The homeless man turns and starts walking away.The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?"The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."

• Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor? They were given a right roasting.

• Black humour is like a pair of legs. Not everyone has it.

• A Georgian man sits in the dock at the court, with his neck bended down. The judge: "Why did you rape the girl?""I liked her.""Why did you raped the boy?""I liked him.""Sir, why don't you look to my eyes when you talk to me?""I'm afraid I'll like you…"

• What's the best way to pick up a Jewish girl?Bring a dustpan to Auschwitz

• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

• This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise." So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."

• The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. "For whosoever we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly thankful."

• Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter? It sure gave them something to chew over.

• How do you hide your money from a mexican?

• Why are little girls better than little boys?Because when you're finished using them as little girls, you can turn them over and use them as little boys.

• Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? A: Because his wife died.

• How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.

• Some people just need a hug… Around the neck… with a rope.

• Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."

• One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight.Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys.If you don't believe this joke is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

• Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

• Don't break anybody's heart - they have only one. Break their bones - they have 206.

• Q: What did Hitler get for his birthday?A: An easy bake oven and a GI-Jew.

• How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? The dog plays with it more.

• Q: How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’?A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…

• I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.A bittersweet victory.

• When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting -- 'No, man, I've got to go home.'

• Q: Whats worse then a barrel of dead babies?A: There is one at the bottom that is still alive.Q: Whats worse then that?A: He has to eat his way out.Q: Whats worse then that?A: He goes back for more.

• I had a mate who was suicidal.He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.He was chuffed to bits.

• Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

• After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?" After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor". The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair". Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news". The doctor replies, "He's dead".

• Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".

• What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!

• Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria.One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides.When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest.This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.

• What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law?There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.

• What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?Ended a race.

• A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

• Black Jokes are not funny I have a black guy in my family way up in my family tree.He's been hanging there for quite a while.

• Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'?Because black people have no rights...

• What's pink and spits? A baby in a frying pan.

• Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic. Alex was crying very loudly. Johnny: Why are you crying? Alex: I came here for a blood test. Johnny: So? Are you afraid? Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?Johnny: I came for a urine test!

• What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool?Throw in your laundry.

• W: Where did Lucy go during the bombing?A: Everywhere.

• What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.

• What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art.

• A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!". The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!". The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again. On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly. Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".

• What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?The Hanger.

• What's the difference between an apple and a black man?None! They both hang from trees.

• Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing:"Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…""What did you see?""I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…""Wow horror!""Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"

• I walked passed a burnt out building with a broken sign saying "Fireworks".How right they were.

• What's brown and gurgles? A baby in a casserole.

• A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption.One goes to an Egyptian family and called Amal. The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan.Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself. She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son.The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."

• Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'?- Because black people have no rights..

• So a little kid and a child molester start walking into a forest. They keep walking for what seems like hours, and it gets darker and darker and darker, and the forest gets deeper and deeper and deeper. The kid turns to the child molester and he says "Gee mister, it sure is scary out here!" The child molester says "How do you think I feel, kid? I'm gonna have to walk out of this forest by myself!"

• What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!

• What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat?Bone appetit!

• At the doctors office:Doc: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live…"Man: "Doctor what on earth are you saying?”, clearly chocked, “Tell me what can I do to live at least a little linger, please…"Doc: "Do you eat fried food?"Man: "Yes"Doc: "You must stop!"Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ill do it"Doc: "Do you eat fat food?"Man: "Yes"Doc: "You must stop!"Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok doc"Doc: "Do you stay up late?"Man: "Yes"Doc: "You must stop!"Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok"Doc: "Do you have sex often?"Man: "Yes!Doc: "You must stop!"Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I’ll do that too"Doc: "Do you smoke?"Man: "Yes"Doc: "You must stop!"Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I will"Doc: "Do you drink?"Man: "Yes..."Doc: "You must stop!"Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me, how longer will I live?"Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century…"

• Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?They hid their own eggs!

• A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says:I can not proceed in this way.And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:We can not proceed in this way.And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:We can not proceed in this way.And they dig up the woman.

• Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing."This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.""Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He’s a martyr now though" mum confides."Oh, so sad, dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21.""Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh, gracious me…" says the other."And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

• What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? Crib death.

• Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?He did okay until his business fell off.

• Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?A. Michael Jackson

• Why did Hitler committed a suicide? He received the bill from Gazprom.

• Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

• It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks."What's up with those clocks, Peter?""Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate."What's the story with that clock?""Oh, that," St. Peter replies. That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

• A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution."Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile."Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist."Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer."Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile."Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

• What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?Wiped his ass.

• What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A baby with a black eye!

• Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.