Clean Jokes

• Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
  A: A chalkboard.




• A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

  The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

  The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

  Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

  Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

  "HEBREWS"
  

• A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

• Q: How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?
  A: Put up a Bingo sign.

• On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

• I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
  
  I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
  
  And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
  
  What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"
  
  Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

• Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]

• A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

  A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

  "What are you doing." they ask her.

  So she replies "Hanging myself."

  The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

  The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."

• A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

• A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"
  
  The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
  
  They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
  
  If only men would listen.

• Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
  A: "It's pasture bedtime."

• A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

• Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
  A: Put a little boogie in it.

• A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

• Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
  Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
  Kid 1: "As if."
  Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
  Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
  Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

• THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
  Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
  
  The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
  
  The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
  
  Now wipe that smile off your face.
  

• There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

  No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

  The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

  On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

  Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

  "Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

  "Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

  "Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

  "Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

  "Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

  "Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

  "Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

  "Nope 34" replied the man.

  To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".

• One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

• My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

• There was a flood in a village.

  One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"

  The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"

  "No" replied the man. God will save me!

  The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

  A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."

  No, God will save me!" he said

  Eventually he died by drowning.

  He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"

  God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

• A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

• A man will pay $200 for a $100 item he needs. A woman will pay $100 for a $200 item she doesn't need.
  
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  
  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  
  To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  
  Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die than single men.
  
  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

• My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”

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  Click Here To Buy This Picture As A Poster
  

• Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
  A: A pork chop.

• A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

  FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

  So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

  The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

  He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

  The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

• Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
  A: Because they cantaloupe.

• Q: What did the cholo say when the house fell on him?
  A: "Get off me, homes!"

• Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
  A: Because she ran away from the ball.

• A blonde, brunette and red head escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three heshin bags. They all jumped in.

  The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three heshin bags.
  One copper goes to the other "Kick the heshin bags to make sure nothing's in them"

  So the copper walks up to the heshin bag with the brunette and kicked it.

  The brunette said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next heshin bag.

  The copper kicked the second heshin bag with the red head in it.
  The red head said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third heshin bag thinking a dog was in the second one.

  The copper kicked the third heshin bag with the blonde in it.
  And the blonde said "Potatoes".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Lenny_87

• THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  female: Any part under a car's hood.
  male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
  
  VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
  male: Playing football without a helmet.
  
  COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
  male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
  with the boys.
  
  BUTT (but) n.
  female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
  "look bigger."
  male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or
  goal. Also good for mooning.
  
  COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
  female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
  male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
  
  ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
  female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
  male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
  
  FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
  female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
  male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
  bonding.
  
  MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
  female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
  male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
  
  REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
  female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
  
  From: Linda & the women at the Mayor's office.

• Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
  A: To get to the second hand shop.

• A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

  "What do you mean?" said the doctor.

  The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

  The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

  "Why yes," she said.

  "I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

• Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?
  A: Bernadette.

• A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."

• Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.

  Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.

  Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.

  The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.

  She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........

  Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

• Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
  A: "Odor in the court!"

• Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

• A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.
  
  Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"
  
  "I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

• Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
  A: Because it’s pointless!

• A: I have the perfect son.
  B: Does he smoke?
  A: No, he doesn’t.
  B: Does he drink whiskey?
  A: No, he doesn’t.
  B: Does he ever come home late?
  A: No, he doesn’t.
  B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
  A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

• Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

• A villager went to the city to visit his son.

  He had no money so his donkey was his only transportation.

  When he reached the city he went to pee at the corner at the street, but while peeing the donkey ran away.

  The old villager spent all day looking for his beloved donkey, but as the night fell he decided to find a place to rest.

  As he had no money, he went to a hotel where he found an open room and laid under the bed to rest.

  Later on that night a couple came into the room and proceeded to make love on the bed.

  The man compliments the girl and says:
  "In your eyes I can see the whole world"

  On hearing this the villager jumps out from under the bed and says:
  "If you can see the whole world, can you see where my donkey is?"

• Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: To get to the bottom.

• Question: What did one toilet roll say to the other toilet roll?
  Answer: "People keep on ripping me off!"

• One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertable.

  He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit that hopped in front of his car.

  As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over.

  The man got out of the car and started crying "OH-MY-GOD... OH-MY-GOD!!!!"

  Just then a blonde drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that."

  She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.

  It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally dissappearing into the forrest.

  The guy is amazed and says, "how did you do that?"

  The blonde just tosses him the can and drives off.

  The can says "Hair Spray: Guarenteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Yodelay hee.
  Yodelay hee who?
  I like your yodeling!

• Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
  A: Because he could never lie.

• Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
  A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

• Clips from a BBC wildlife documentary strung together with comedians performing the voices to amazing comic effect.

• Q: Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
  A: Because of his coffin.

• One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

  Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

  So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

  For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

  Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

• - You answer the door before people knock.
  - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  - You ski uphill.
  - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  - You lick your coffeepot clean.
  - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
  - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  - You chew on other people's fingernails.
  - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
  - You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
  - You can jump-start your car without cables.
  - Cocaine is a downer.
  - You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
  - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  - You don't sweat, you percolate.
  - You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
  - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  - People get dizzy just watching you.
  - You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  - Instant coffee takes too long.
  - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
  - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  - You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
  - You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  - You short out motion detectors.
  - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
  - You don't tan, you roast.
  - You can't even remember your second cup.
  - You help your dog chase its tail.

• I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder.
  In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
  
  I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
  
  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
  It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
  
  After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
  
  The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
  
  A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
  
  The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
  
  

• One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

  He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

  The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

  Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

  She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".
  
  He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Stasiu the Polish Freak

• Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

  So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

• Q: What did the banana say to the doctor?
  A: "I'm not peeling well."

• Q: Why cant you hear a pterodactyl pee? A: Because the "p" is silent.

• Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
  A: Pilgrims!

• A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

• "Knock, knock."
  "Who's there?"
  "Nobel."
  "Nobel who?"
  "No bell that's why I knocked."

• A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."

• Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God.

• One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.
  
  Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."
  
  When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"

• Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
  A: Because the cows have horns.

• A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

  The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

  The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

  The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

  The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

  For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

  The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

  The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

• A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"
  
  The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
  
  They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
  
  If only men would listen.

• An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
  
  "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive."
  
  The four open the door and look out below.
  
  The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.
  
  The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.
  
  This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

• Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
  A: Fingernails.

• Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.

• THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  female: Any part under a car's hood.
  male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
  
  VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
  male: Playing football without a helmet.
  
  COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
  male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
  with the boys.
  
  BUTT (but) n.
  female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
  "look bigger."
  male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or
  goal. Also good for mooning.
  
  COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
  female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
  male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
  
  ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
  female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
  male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
  
  FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
  female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
  male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male
  bonding.
  
  MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
  female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
  male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
  
  REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
  female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
  
  From: Linda & the women at the Mayor's office.

• Q: Why do museums have old dinosaur bones?
  A: Because they cant afford new ones.

• One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

  Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

  Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

  Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

  The man says, "Yep, sure do."

  Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

  The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

  Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

  "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

• A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

• My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

• Q: Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
  A: When he woke up, his pillow was gone.

• Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
  A: So they can walk.

• A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
  
  The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
  
  Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
  
  The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

• How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

• A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

• A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

• I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
  
  I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
  
  And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
  
  What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"
  
  Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

• One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

  The man says "Oh just a beer".

  The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

  The man said "My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would'nt talk to me for a month".

  The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

  The man siad "Well the month is up tonight".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Big A.

• Q: A cowboy left Montana to go to Texas on Friday and came back on Friday. How did he do it?
  A: He named his horse Friday.

• Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
  
  The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech.
  
  She said that she will voluntarily let go off the rope, because as a woman she is used to give up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
  
  As soon as she finished her speech, all men started clapping their hands........

• A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

• Great clip of poodle Tucker, not just playing the piano but singing along as well.

• One day these three rats were standing outside of a food store and one of the rats got an idea.

  He said "OK this is what we're gonna do, we'll run inside, get as much cheese as we can and we'll meet back here."

  So they do it and when they get back the first rat asks the second rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" and he says "American" which makes the rats very pleased as it's one of their favorites.

  Then the second rat asks the first rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" and he replies "Cheddar", which again pleases the rats.

  So then the first two rats ask the third rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" to which he replies "Nacho Cheese"

  "Nacho Cheese" said the other two rats. "There's no such thing as Nacho Cheese".

  And the third rat says "Well, as I was running out of the store I head the shopkeeper shouting, Hey, that's not-cho cheese"

• Bob: "Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
  Jim: "Oh my God, are you okay?"
  Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."

• A man will pay $200 for a $100 item he needs. A woman will pay $100 for a $200 item she doesn't need.
  
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  
  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  
  To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
  
  Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die than single men.
  
  A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

• Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
  A: Buy a deck of cards.

• Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
  Student: "Meat!"
  Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
  Student: "Bacon!"
  Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
  Student: "Homework!"

• Bob calls in to his job:
  "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."
  
  The boss says:
  "You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
  
  2 hours later Bob calls:
  "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

• A man comes home to his wife after golfing.

  The wife asks, "Honey how come you never play with Bob anymore."

  The man replies, " Would you want to play with a man who cheats all the time, who lost his ball then pulls one out of his pocket saying he found it, a man who really got a 7 but marks down a 5, a man who takes 3 foot gimme's."

  The wife says, "No i wouldn't." The man says, "Neither would Bob."

• Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
  
  Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
  
  Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
  
  Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
  
  Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
  
  Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
  
  Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
  
  At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
  

• 
  
  
  
  
  Click Here To Buy This Picture As A Poster
  

• Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
  Student: "HIJKLMNO."
  Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
  Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

• Three men are on a plane. The first one throws a dirt-clod out of the plane. When he lands, he finds a child crying and asks him, "Why are you crying?"
  
  The child says a dirt-clod fell out of the sky and hit his dad on the head.
  
  The second man on the plane throws a dog''s chewing bone. When he lands the plane
  he finds a woman crying and asks, "Why are you crying?"
  
  The woman says, "A bone fell out of the sky and hit my husband on the head"
  
  The third man on the plane throws a bomb. When he lands the plane, he finds an old man laughing and asks him, "Why are you laughing?" The old man replies, "I farted and my house blew up."

• A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
  
  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
  
  When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
  
  Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
  
  Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

• The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

  The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

  Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

  Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

  Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

  Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

  The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

  When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

  To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
  

• Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

• Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
  A: He burped 7Up.

• Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
  A: The library, because it has so many stories.

• There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.

  They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

  So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.

  The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

  So they go out the back door and they see this barn.

  They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

  See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.

  Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

  They go into the barn and look everywhere.

  One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".

  So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

  He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

  Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

• The teacher is going around the room, saying the names of animals, and the kids have to make the sound that the animal does.

  She says cow, and cindy raises her hand and says, moooo. very good cindy.

  She says duck, and bobby raises his hand and says, quack quack. very good bobby

  She says pig, little johnny raises his hand and says, freeze or i`ll shoot.

• A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

  A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

  As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

  Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

  To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
  

• Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven." Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. "So, how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? "That was the demo," replied God.

• Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?
  A: He couldn't fit in the elevator

• If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

• Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
  A: It's okay. He woke up.

• If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

• Q: Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
  A: Because the cow has the utter.

• A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

• Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?
  A: Because they have their own scales.

• Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

  The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

  Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

  The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

• A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

• Nurse: "The invisible man is here for his appointment."
  Doctor: "Tell him I'm sorry I can't see him right now."

• To: All Employees
  From: Management
  Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
  2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
  3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
  4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
  5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
  6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

• A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter
  "My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee,"
  
  "I know," says the second owner.
  "How do you Know?"
  "My dog told me."

• 3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

  The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

  The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

  The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

  Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

  He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

• At the 2002 World Women's conference, the first speaker from Canada, stood up "At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. Afer the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".

  The crowd stood up, applauded and cheered.

  The second speaker, from France, stood up
  "After last years conference I went straight home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that not only had he done his own, but my washing as well".

  Once again the audience rose to their feet, applauded and cheered.

  The third speaker, from Scotland stood up "After last year's conference ah went home and tolt ma man that I widnae doo his cookin, cleanin or shoppin, and he wid hiftae doo it himsell. After the first day I saw nothin, after the second day I saw nothin, but after the third day, I could see a wee bit oota ma left eye"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Meeky

• An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

  "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

  They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

  He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

  The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

  The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
  

• Patient: "I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee."
  Doctor: "Try taking the spoon out."

• One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

  So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

  The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

  So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

  The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

• Q: What do you call a duck that steals?
  A: A Robber Duck.

• Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
  
  Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
  
  Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
  
  Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
  
  Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
  
  Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
  
  Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
  
  At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
  

• Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
  A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.

• Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

• A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

  The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

  The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

• A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It''s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what''s inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn''t good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

• Q: What has more lives than a cat?
  A: A frog because it croaks every night.

• Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
  A: You don't bury survivors.

• Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
  A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

• There was a Blonde and her husband.

  One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

  When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

  The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

• One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

  She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."

  So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.

  So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.

  And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.

  As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.

  All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."

  Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."

  He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."

• A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
  
  There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
  
  So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
  
  On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
  
  Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
  
  The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
  
  The second floor sign reads:
  
  Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
  
  The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
  
  The third floor sign reads:
  
  Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
  
  "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
  
  The fourth floor sign reads:
  
  Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
  
  "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
  
  The fifth floor sign reads:
  
  Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
  
  "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
  
  The sixth floor sign reads:
  
  Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so the man ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"

• A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

  She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

  Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

  There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

  The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

  "Because I am not an American."

  "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

  "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

  The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

  "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

  The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

  A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

• Fred: "Why do elephants wear red nail polish?"
  Bob: "I don't know, why?"
  Fred: "To hide in cherry trees."
  Bob: "But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree."
  Fred: "See, it works."

• What do cars eat on their toast? Traffic jam.

• Q: How do you make the number seven even?
  
  A: Drop the "s."

• When nobody is looking, take some regular school glue and a coin.

  Put some glue on the bottom of the coin and stick it to the ground.

  Make sure the glue is completely dry before someone tries to pick it up

  If glue is dry, sit back and watch as people try to pick up the coin, not realizing that there's glue on it

• Q: Why are vampires so easy to fool?
  A: Because they are suckers.

• A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

• Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
  A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

• There's this blonde.

  She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"

  The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"

  So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.

  She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".

  So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.

  The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.

  The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

• Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
  A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

• Q: Why is the letter B very cool?
  A: Because it's sitting in the AC.

• Brunette: "Where were you born?"
  Blonde: "The United States."
  Brunette: "Which part?"
  Blonde: "My whole body."

• There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
  
  The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
  
  The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left.
  
  A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
  
  The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
  
  An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
  
  Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
  
  Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
  
  God replied, "You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

• A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

• A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."

• A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

• Three men are on a plane. The first one throws a dirt-clod out of the plane. When he lands, he finds a child crying and asks him, "Why are you crying?"
  
  The child says a dirt-clod fell out of the sky and hit his dad on the head.
  
  The second man on the plane throws a dog''s chewing bone. When he lands the plane
  he finds a woman crying and asks, "Why are you crying?"
  
  The woman says, "A bone fell out of the sky and hit my husband on the head"
  
  The third man on the plane throws a bomb. When he lands the plane, he finds an old man laughing and asks him, "Why are you laughing?" The old man replies, "I farted and my house blew up."

• A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

• A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're grumpily eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks.
  
  So the Catholics work on the Jewish man to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after a lot of pressure and much arguing, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jewish man to a priest who sprinkles holy water on him and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."
  
  The Catholics are ecstatic. No more tempting smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue spread through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet.
  
  They see him standing over the grille cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish!"

• Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

• Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
  A: Its butt.

• One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

  "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

  So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

  That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

  Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

  The computer prints the following:

  1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
  2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
  3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
  4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
  5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

   

• If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

• Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

• McDonald, who was very sad, met his friend Sandy in the street.
  
  He said to his friend, "I cannot make up my mind whether to marry a wealthy widow whom i don’t love or a poor girl whom i love very much."
  
  Sandy said, "My dear friend, I advise you to listen to your heart and marry the poor girl that you love."
  
  "You are right. I will marry the poor girl."
  
  "In that case, can you give me the widow’s address?"

• Q: How do you make a witch itch?
  A: Take away her "w".

• Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

  Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

  Woman: Oh, I see.

  Officer: Can I see your license please?

  Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

  Officer: Don't have one?

  Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

  Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

  Woman: I can't do that.

  Officer: Why not?

  Woman: I stole this car.

  Officer: Stole it?

  Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

  Officer: You what?

  Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

  The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

  Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
  please!

  The woman steps out of her vehicle.

  Woman: Is there a problem sir?

  Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

  Woman: Murdered the owner?

  Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

  The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

  Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

  Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

  The first officer is stunned.

  Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

  The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

  Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

  Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

  
  By Dave

• Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

• A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it"
  
  50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

  Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

  Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say what breed is that anyway?"

  The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator."

  by Adam T.
  

• There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

• Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
  A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

• Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

  The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

  At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

  He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  I eat mop
  I eat mop who?
  Hah! You said, "I eat ma poo!"

• Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?
  A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

• There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

  So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

  Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

  Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

  Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

  She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

  "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

  "I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
  

• Q: Why is a river rich? A: Because it has two banks.

• PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
  ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
  APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
  SCSI - System Can't See It
  DOS - Defective Operating System
  BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
  IBM - I Blame Microsoft
  DEC - Do Expect Cuts
  CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
  OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
  WWW - World Wide Wait
  MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
  PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
  COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
  AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
  LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
  MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
  WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
  GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
  MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

• Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
  A: A brick.

• Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
  A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

• An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

• Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
  A: Microchips!

• Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

  The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

  "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

  The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

  "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

  Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

  The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

  "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

• Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

  "Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

  "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

  "What a horrible way to die!"

  "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

  "What a way to go, that's terrible!"

  "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

  "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

  "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

  "Man, what a way to go!"

  "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

  "Now that is one awful way to go!"

  "No no, he survived that..."

  "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

  "I shot him!"

  "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

  "He was wrecking my house."
  

• This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
  
  He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
  
  George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
  
  "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
  
  Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
  
  One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
  
  George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

• I have one
  Your husband will have one
  Your mother uses your father's one
  And your auntie uses your uncle's one
  A married lady would acquire one
  But a divorced lady would lose her one
  A Pope doesn't use his one
  Madonna doesn't have one
  The Chinese usually have short ones
  While the Pakistanis usually have long ones
  After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
  Longer or shorter you have to take his one.
  Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.
  Do you want one?
  How long do you want?
  Which one is your preferred one?
  Long one or short one
  What you are thinking of?
  Are you sure?
  Its your Surname, what where you thinking of?
  You Dirty mind!!!

• A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
  
  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
  
  The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
  
  A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
  
  The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
  
  Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
  
  With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

• A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

  "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

  Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

  WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

  She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

  "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
  

• Q: Why is England the wettest country?
  A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

• Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

• I'm thinking of becoming a hitman... I heard they make a killing.

• Why isn't Mexico in the olympics?...
  
  Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..

• Eve called out to God to come down to talk to her.
  
  "What's the problem, Eve?" "Well, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."
  
  "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
  
  "I am lonely," said Eve, "and I'm sick to death of apples."
  
  "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, God?"
  
  "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll generally give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger and faster, and can help protect you, and will like to hunt and kill things to eat. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice sometimes to think properly."
  
  "Sounds great." said Eve. She raised an eyebrow ironically. "What's the catch?"
  
  "Well... you can have him on one condition."
  
  "What's that, God?"
  
  "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

• There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
  
  The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
  
  The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left.
  
  A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
  
  The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
  
  An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
  
  Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
  
  Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
  
  God replied, "You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

• Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

  Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

  Woman: Oh, I see.

  Officer: Can I see your license please?

  Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

  Officer: Don't have one?

  Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

  Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

  Woman: I can't do that.

  Officer: Why not?

  Woman: I stole this car.

  Officer: Stole it?

  Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

  Officer: You what?

  Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

  The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

  Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
  please!

  The woman steps out of her vehicle.

  Woman: Is there a problem sir?

  Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

  Woman: Murdered the owner?

  Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

  The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

  Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

  Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

  The first officer is stunned.

  Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

  The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

  Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

  Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

  
  By Dave

• Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.

• Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % sure you'll stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
  A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.

• Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Daisy.
  Daisy who?
  Daisy me rollin', they hatin'.

• Q: How do birds fly?
  A: They just wing it!

• One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

  The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

  Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

  The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

  The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
  And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

  -Submitted by Fish and Dodo-

• The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

  A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

  The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

  "Shit" said the hypnotist.

  It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

• Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.

• A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.

  The Mexican drops a pear on his country.

  When the American asks why he says he loves his country.

  Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.

  When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.

  Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.

  When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.

  A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.

  He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.

  The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.

  When he asks her why she says because an apple fell out of the sky and hit her on the head.

  The Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.

  When he asks him why the man says, "Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

• An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
  
  "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive."
  
  The four open the door and look out below.
  
  The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.
  
  The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.
  
  This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

• Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?" The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

• There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

• A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

• A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.

  "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

  "Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.

  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.

  "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

  The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.

  "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.

  "I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."

  "Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.

  "That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"

  "But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"

  "Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."
  

• Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

• An Arab, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.
  
  The head of the tribe says to the Arab, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
  
  The Arab responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.
  
  When he is finished the Arab has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
  
  The Amazons haul the Arab away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
  
  "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
  
  "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

• Why it's better to be a Woman!
  
  1. We got off the Titanic first.
  
  2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
  
  3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
  
  4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
  
  5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
  
  6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
  
  7. Taxis stop for us.
  
  8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
  
  9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
  
  10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
  
  11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
  
  12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
  
  13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
  
  14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
  
  15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
  
  16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
  
  17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
  
  18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
  
  19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
  
  20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
  
  21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
  
  22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
  
  23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
  
  24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
  
  25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
  
  26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  
  27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
  
  28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  
  29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
  
  30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

• A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
  
  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
  
  The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
  
  A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
  
  The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
  
  Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
  
  With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

• Q: What says "Eoo?"
  A: A cow with no lips.

• Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
  A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

• A guy walks in for his interview.
  The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

  The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

  Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

  2nd guy walks in for his interview.

  The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

  The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

  Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

  This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

  3rd guy walks in for his interview.

  The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

  The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

  The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

  3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
  

• A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
  
  The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
  
  Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
  
  The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

• A redneck's last words are always, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

• A teacher at an infant school is doing a science lesson and asks all the children to perform an experiment of their own choosing. After the children have been busy for a few minutes, she gets to the desk of little Johnny. Johnny has a spider on his desk and she asks what he was doing.

  "Well Miss, the spider's name is Herbert and watch this." Jonny then bends down to the spider and whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. The teacher is a little mystified. Johnny then gets a hold of the spider and removes one leg. The teacher is taken aback but lets the experiment continue. Johnny again whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider, as if by magic, moves across the desk. Johnny then gets ahold of the spider and removes another 2 legs and repeats the experiment. "Run, Herbert, Run" and the spider does continue to move across the desk, a bit in a somewhat limp fashion. By this time the teacher is getting a little concerned.

  The experiment continues in the same vein until Herbet, the spider, has one leg left (the teacher at this point is totally mortified). Johnny then bends down to the spider and again removes the last leg so that Herbert is now just a blob and again he whispers "Run, Herbert, Run" but Herbert doesn't move. He repeats the command again but a little bit louder. After serveral attemps, Johnny is now shouting at the spider "Run, Herbert, Run" but still no movement. Johnny then looks at the teacher and she asks "Well, Johnny, an interesting experiment, but what are you trying to prove with it?" Johnny replies, "Well, Miss, spiders with no legs are deaf"

• Q: What does a nosy pepper do? A: It gets jalapeño business.

• Q: How did the blonde fisherman die?
  A: He was run over by the Zamboni.

• Q: What type of book has only characters and no story?
  A: A telephone book.

• Q: What did the astronaut say when he wanted to be alone? A: "Give me some space!"

• Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
  A: Because they know all the short cuts!

• A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

• Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
  A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
  
  The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.
  
  He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
  
  Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
  
  When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
  
  When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
  
  He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
  
  "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
  
  "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

• A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

  After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

  The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

  The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

  Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

  The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

  The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

• An Arab, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.
  
  The head of the tribe says to the Arab, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
  
  The Arab responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.
  
  When he is finished the Arab has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
  
  The Amazons haul the Arab away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
  
  "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
  
  "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

• Q: When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, what happens?
  A: UCLA.

• An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

• Q: Why did the fish blush?
  A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

• Q: Why did Cinderella fail at basketball?
  A: Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

• There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

• In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Ach.
  Ach who?
  Bless you! Need a tissue?

• Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven."
  Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven."
  Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Six."
  Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven!"
  Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
  Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

• So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

• Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
  Woman: "Do not enter."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Joanna.
  Joanna who?
  Joanna build a snowman?

• A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

• One morning a boy walks in to class late

  His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"

  He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"

  15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"

  2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

• The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.

• A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

  "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

  After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

  They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

  Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

  Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

  The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

  The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

• A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
  
  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
  
  When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
  
  Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
  
  Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

• A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

• Remember that watch from Switzerland? The Swatch! Thank God Croatia didn't come out with a watch of their own. "Hey what time is it?" "Oh hold on let me take a look at my Crotch."

• A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It''s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what''s inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn''t good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

• Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
  A: "Breathe, stupid!"

• Once there was a magical mirror.
  When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.

  One day three college girls went to the mirror.

  The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one."
  Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.

  The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one."
  Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.

  Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*"
  Then she suddenly dissapearred forever

• A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.

  The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.

  "What's that Paw?" The boy asked.

  "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.

  Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

  The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

  They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

  The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

• I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder.
  In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
  
  I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
  
  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
  It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
  
  After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
  
  The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
  
  A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
  
  The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
  
  

• A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

  Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

• To: All Employees
  From: Management
  Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
  2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
  3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
  4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
  5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
  6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

• Bob calls in to his job:
  "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."
  
  The boss says:
  "You know Bob I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
  
  2 hours later Bob calls:
  "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

• Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?
  A: Because he was a party pooper.

• A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

• Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
  A: "You're too young to smoke."

• Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
  A: A taxi driver.

• Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

  He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

  He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

  A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

  Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

  The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

  Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Matt R S

• Q: What do you say to a lollipop when you throw it away?
  A: "So long sucker!"

• Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
  A: Because he neverlands.

• Love this dog, he's just so cute and the ad is funny as hell.

• Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
  A: The Tooth Fairy.

• Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

• Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

• I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

• A blonde a brunett and a red haired women are all stranded on a desert island.

  They find a lamp and rub it. A genie pops out and offers them all one wish.

  The brunett says "I miss my family so I want to go home", then she is zaped hame.

  The red haired women says "I miss my family so I want to go home to0" so she is zapped home.

  Finally the blonde says "I am so lonley I wish my friends back"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chucky Osborn

• Q: Where do eggplants come from?
  A: Chicken plants.

• PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
  ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
  APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
  SCSI - System Can't See It
  DOS - Defective Operating System
  BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
  IBM - I Blame Microsoft
  DEC - Do Expect Cuts
  CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
  OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
  WWW - World Wide Wait
  MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
  PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
  COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
  AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
  LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
  MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
  WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
  GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
  MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

• At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

• One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chris McDonald

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Boo.
  Boo who?
  Don't cry. It's only a joke.

• A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

• McDonald, who was very sad, met his friend Sandy in the street.
  
  He said to his friend, "I cannot make up my mind whether to marry a wealthy widow whom i don’t love or a poor girl whom i love very much."
  
  Sandy said, "My dear friend, I advise you to listen to your heart and marry the poor girl that you love."
  
  "You are right. I will marry the poor girl."
  
  "In that case, can you give me the widow’s address?"

• Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
  A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

• Grab a roll of transparent duct tape and put a bunch of strips on the door post so that the door does not open into the tape, but away from it.

  Also make sure the room that the door goes into has only one door (the one you're putting the tape on) and no one is inside the room at the moment.

  The next person who walks into that room will get caught in the tape.

• Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
  A: To get to the body shop.

• A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

• Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
  A: Open-toad!

• Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
  Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

• Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
  A: Senator.

• Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
  A: Sue.

• Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
  Student: "My father's check book!"

• A girl asks her father, " Why does it rain? Is it God sweating or crying?" " No," says her father, " it rains to make the plants grow. Do you understand?" " Not exactly," says the girl. " Why does it rain on the sidewalk?"

• A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

• Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

• Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

• An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

• Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
  A: The letter "m."

• Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
  A: A waist of time.

• A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

• Q: Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?
  A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

• A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

• One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?" The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere." The cop replied "You retard that's your air freshener."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chris McDonald

• Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
  
  The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech.
  
  She said that she will voluntarily let go off the rope, because as a woman she is used to give up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
  
  As soon as she finished her speech, all men started clapping their hands........

• I have one
  Your husband will have one
  Your mother uses your father's one
  And your auntie uses your uncle's one
  A married lady would acquire one
  But a divorced lady would lose her one
  A Pope doesn't use his one
  Madonna doesn't have one
  The Chinese usually have short ones
  While the Pakistanis usually have long ones
  After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
  Longer or shorter you have to take his one.
  Are you afraid of taking a LONG one.
  Do you want one?
  How long do you want?
  Which one is your preferred one?
  Long one or short one
  What you are thinking of?
  Are you sure?
  Its your Surname, what where you thinking of?
  You Dirty mind!!!

• Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

  Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

  God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

  Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

  God said, "An arm and a leg..."

  Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

• Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

• Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
  Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

• A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

• Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
  A: Nobodynose.

• Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
  A: A thesaurus.

• Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1,000 letters?
  A: Post office.

• I use public transportation to get to and from work. It is much more relaxing than driving, however it also means I must put up with the occassional jerk. This morning, I was treated to a yuppie jerk getting a comeuppance.

  There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, imeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.

  The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.

  As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.

  So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.

  I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.

  I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.

  Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.

  Now THAT is a humbling experience.

• A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'

  So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
  party run to the pool to see what has happened.

  In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

  The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

  The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

• Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Soup.
  Soup who?
  Superman!

• A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "I'll be darned." A local pastor heard him and said, "You should not say that. Next time your wheel falls off say, 'Praise the Lord.'" So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "Praise the Lord." The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon. The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, "I'll be darned!"

• 1. Talk about a huge breast!2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.3. It's Cool Whip time!4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!5. That's one terrific spread!6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.7. Are you ready for seconds yet?8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!10. Don't play with your meat.11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!14. You still have a little bit on your chin.15. How long will it take after you stick it in?16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

• A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

• Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
  A: Envelope.

• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

• Q: How do trees access the internet?
  A: They log in.

• There was three guys getting on a plane, the first one had a sandwich, the second one had a bag of peanuts and the third one had a bomb.

  While they were up in the air the pilot said that the plane was too heavy and if it didn't get any weight off of it it was going to crash.

  So the first guy drops his sandwich off, but still wasn't enough, so he jumped off and lived, when he got down he saw this little girl crying and crying and he asked what was the matter and she said that a sandwich hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

  Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the second guy dropped his bag of peanuts off, but it still wasn't enough so he jumped off and lived, when he got down there he saw this little girl crying and crying, so he asked what was the matter and she said that a bag of peanuts hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

  Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the third guy dropped his bomb off but it still was too heavy so he jumped off and lived when he got down there he saw this little boy laughing and laughing and he asked the little boy what was so funny and he said I farted and a building blew up!!

• Ten ways to know that you're addicted to your computer:-
  
  10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.
  
  9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your husband or wife.
  
  8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.
  
  7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.
  
  6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.
  
  5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I'LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).
  
  4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.
  
  3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.
  
  2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 95 is outdated.
  
  1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

• Why it's better to be a Woman!
  
  1. We got off the Titanic first.
  
  2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
  
  3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
  
  4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
  
  5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
  
  6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
  
  7. Taxis stop for us.
  
  8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
  
  9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
  
  10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
  
  11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
  
  12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
  
  13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
  
  14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
  
  15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
  
  16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
  
  17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
  
  18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
  
  19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
  
  20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
  
  21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
  
  22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
  
  23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
  
  24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
  
  25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
  
  26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  
  27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
  
  28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  
  29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
  
  30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

• Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
  A: Because they make up everything.

• A brunette, a redhead and a blonde get captured and are placed before a firing squad.

  They are about to be executed and the brunette says "Look...Hurricane" and points to her left while she gets away.

  The redhead girl says "Look...Tornado", points and gets away.

  Finally the blonde tries to do the same thing she says "FIRE"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Aaron Colunga

• A Young boy sat at the side of his bed one night and said 'God Bless Granddad'.
  The next morning his grandad is lying dead on the floor.

  Next Night he says 'God bless Grandma'.
  The next morning his Granma Is lying dead On the floor.

  Next Night he says 'God bless Dad', but his dad overhears and goes straight to the hospital to get check out. All seems fine and he returns home to find the milkman dead on his doorstep.

  By Jamie Farrer and Mark Lundy

• Wise man say, "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger."

• 1. Talk about a huge breast!2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.3. It's Cool Whip time!4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!5. That's one terrific spread!6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.7. Are you ready for seconds yet?8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!10. Don't play with your meat.11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!14. You still have a little bit on your chin.15. How long will it take after you stick it in?16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

• Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
  A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

• Q: Why was six scared of seven?
  A: Because seven "ate" nine.

• A man was at a grave yard.

  He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

  A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

  "No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
  "Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
  "He was my wife's first husband!"

• Saul and Benjamin were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Saul", asked Benjamin, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"
  
  I don't know," Saul replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
  
  When the waiter came by, Benjamin asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
  
  "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
  
  "Are you sure?" Benjamin asked.
  
  "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
  
  While he was still gone, Saul said, "I cannot believe there aren't any Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
  
  When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
  
  "Are you really sure?" Benjamin asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
  
  "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

• Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
  Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
  Sparsh: "PHD."
  Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
  Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

• Bob: "Have you seen the movie Constipation?"
  Jim: "No, it hasn't come out yet."

• A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."

• If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

• Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!!

• Eve called out to God to come down to talk to her.
  
  "What's the problem, Eve?" "Well, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."
  
  "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
  
  "I am lonely," said Eve, "and I'm sick to death of apples."
  
  "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, God?"
  
  "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll generally give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger and faster, and can help protect you, and will like to hunt and kill things to eat. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice sometimes to think properly."
  
  "Sounds great." said Eve. She raised an eyebrow ironically. "What's the catch?"
  
  "Well... you can have him on one condition."
  
  "What's that, God?"
  
  "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."

• Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
  A: Because they have a lot of spirit!

• Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
  A: "Put it on my bill."

• "Johnny, why did you kick your brother in the stomach?" exclaimed the angry mother. “It was pure accident, Mama. He turned around.”

• On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

  God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

  So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

  The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

  But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

  God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

  The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

• A cowboy rides up to a saloon on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the saloon, and asks, "Where's my horse?"
  
  No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what i did in Texas and I don't like doing that."
  
  So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside.
  
  As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?" to which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."

• Q: What did the zombie girl say to the zombie boy?
  A: "Are you going to kiss me or rot?"

• Cute young beagle climbs several feet out of his pen, while his cellmates look on.

• A cowboy rides up to a saloon on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the saloon, and asks, "Where's my horse?"
  
  No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what i did in Texas and I don't like doing that."
  
  So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside.
  
  As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?" to which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."

• Q: What stays in one corner but travels around the world?
  A: A stamp.

• A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

  He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

  After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

  After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

  A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."

• Saul and Benjamin were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Saul", asked Benjamin, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"
  
  I don't know," Saul replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
  
  When the waiter came by, Benjamin asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
  
  "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
  
  "Are you sure?" Benjamin asked.
  
  "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
  
  While he was still gone, Saul said, "I cannot believe there aren't any Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
  
  When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
  
  "Are you really sure?" Benjamin asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
  
  "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

• During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

• If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

• Old Man: "Are you the young fellow who sold me this tube yesterday and told me it was toothpaste?"
  Clerk: "Yes sir."
  Old Man: "Well, I tried for half an hour this morning and I couldn't get my teeth to stick in."

• Q: Why does a cow wear a bell around its neck?
  A: Because its horns don't work.

• Q: Is Google male or female?
  A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

• Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."

• Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
  A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

• A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

• A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter
  "My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee,"
  
  "I know," says the second owner.
  "How do you Know?"
  "My dog told me."

• While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off.

  A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

  The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that damn lamp for. . ."

  "OK, alright" the guy responds.

  "Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."

  This pisses the genie off.

  He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."

  "Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."

  "Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."

  The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four? "

• What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
  It gets toad away.

• My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Steve, so I asked him, "What's the name of his other leg?"