Funny Puns

• There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I'm just stuck here holding my rod...




• I went to a NY Jets game and I was complaining in the parking lot because they lost. So Mark Sanchez heard and he pinned me up against a wall and threatened me... luckily he fumbled me and I got away...

• What did the lawyer name his daughter?
  Sue.…

• How do you organize a space party?
  You planet.

• The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
  
  

• the crazy man couldn't get through forest so he went through the psychopath

• Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

• When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

• I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places, and he said,"then don't go to those places"

• My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to a gas station.

• What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

• Life is a lot like a penis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely... then woman makes it hard.

• If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

• I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

• I always take a second pair of pants when I go golfing... in case I get a hole in one.

• A Lumberjack Chief says to his fellow lumberjacks:
  "Lets get to work! Come on, chop chop!"

• A frog went to get a loan at a bank.
  
  The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.
  
  He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said "this is what I have for colateral".
  
  She took it to the bank president and said "there's a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)".
  
  She said "do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan".
  
  

• What does school stand for:
  S: six
  C: cruel
  H: hours
  O: of
  O: our
  L: lives

• I can't seem to stop laughing at the concept of this potato being on my plate. I think it's because we're both baked.

• Did you hear about the super car of transformation?
  
  Yeah, it turned into a road.

• My cats gonna shit when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

• Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications.
  Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant.
  Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion! YEA HE IS Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!
  

• The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

• The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
  
  The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  
  

• Guy: there was a man pushing down his silver car on the highway, what game what's he playing?
  Girl: I don't know?
  Guy: MONOPOLY!!!!!!

• If you ate oreoes with milk in space,it would be the milky-way to eat them!

• There's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
  
  

• I met a woman with twelve boobs. Sounds weird, dozentit?

• Boy: My dads name is chuckling and my moms name is laughing.
  Teacher: Your kidding.
  Boy: No that's my brother, I'm joking.

• Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."
  
  

• Knock knock?
  Whos there?
  Annie!
  Annie who?
  Annie thing that you can do I can do better.
  (Submitted by Anonymous)
  
  

• A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.
  
  To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.
  
  It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.
  
  A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.
  
  One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...
  
  "Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."
  
  

• You stole my heart.
  Now you're going into cardiac arrest.

• A clock would make a great comedian. Well getting the timings right is more than watch is needed.

• I recently joined the Procrastinators' Club.
  I showed up at a meeting, but it was postponed.

• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
  Great food but no atmosphere

• What do you get when you have sex with a fish?
  MermAIDS

• Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
  
  Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
  
  Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!
  
  Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.
  
  Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
  
  Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
  
  

• I always thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

• Who sucks dick? COREY

• People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.

• Anant said I am infected with a Highly Dangerous Virus Called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK).
  So he immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR).... Center to take antidotes known as
  -"Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE)
  -Radioactive UnWORK Medicine (RUM)
  -Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)

• Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Err...so how do you drive this thing?”

• *Plays game where I burn fake trees*
  ME - Hahahahah!!! HAHAHHAHA!
  Person next to me - What are you doing
  ME - WHAT DO YOU THINK?
  Person - You are playing with fire?
  ME - YOU JUST FELT THE BURN!!!

• what do you call a fake noodle? an IMPASTA!
  

• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

• It's been 2 days since I've had McDonald's, I'm getting the shakes... and the fries.

• Teacher: I can speak every language except Greek, ask me something is any other language. Student: (Speaks Spanish) Teacher: Hmmm sounds Greek to me

• I dropped my burger on the floor. Now it's ground beef.

• 2 antennas met on a roof and got married. The wedding was ok, but the reception was incredible.

• Thank god for nipples. Without it, boobs would be pointless.

• Being struck by lightning is a shocking experience!

• There was an explosion at a pie factory, 3.14 people died.

• Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

• PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

• What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? Wataaaaahh!

• After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, "You know, this isn't working out."

• What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
  Very little.

• Keep dream alive hit the snooze button

• I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

• I was thinking of trying to find my watch I could never find time

• Friend: *Dangling from ledge and smoking meth* "Hurry, grab my hand!"
  Me: *Reaching for friend's hand* "I can't do it! You're too high!"

• What did the remote say to the TV?
  You turn me on.

• There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

• This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.
  
  

• A little anant asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying

• Stop it with the gay jokes, cum on guys.

• I have a few jokes about unemployed people
  But it doesn't matter none of them work

• Did you hear about the mushroom that won gold at the Olympics? He was a champignon to his people.

• Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.
  
  The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.
  
  So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.
  
  So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.
  
  Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.
  
  After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.
  
  The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.
  
  So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for it`s villager feast.
  
  But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.
  
  The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.
  
  

• How does Moses make his tea?Hebrews it.

• A book just fell on my head.
  I've only got my shelf to blame.

• Hotel manager: SOMEBODY PEED IN MY ELEVATOR!!
  Employee: Damn, that's wrong at so many levels.
  Kickass if you get it! :3

• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

• The duck police officer says to the duck drug dealer hand over the quack

• I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

• An Over the Line team was made up of chefs from a local restaurant. They all wore chef hats as part of their uniforms. One of them tried to wear two, but he was disqualified because, as a judge pointed out, it was just one-toque Over the Line.

• Say 'addicted' after everything I ask:
  What is someone who does drugs?
  What is someone who drinks?
  What hit you in the face last night?
  Addicted

• What was the two last pizzas ordered from the Twin Towers just before 911?
  Two large plains.

• There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

• I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

• Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
  
  

• What do you call a monster with no ears?
  Any think you'd like, it can't god damn hear you, dumbass.

• A person gets run over by a car. The driver stopped his car and asked them "Oh my god, are you okay?", they responded with "Yeah, I'm just tired."

• I didn't like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

• How are women and deer similar?
  Their value goes up based on their rack size! ;)

• Without geometry, life is pointless.

• I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

• Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"
  
  

• How was the underwear model fired?
  He was debriefed.

• If it's not related to elephants... it's irrelephant.

• They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

• Mother and Father bought a deer meat for their children
  they went back home and put the meat on the table but did not tell them what it was.
  Father said: It is something yuor mother calls me (dear)
  ---------
  Daughter says: watch out! It must be an ass hole

• I mustache you a question
  But I'll Shave it for later

• Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
  A: Because he was out-standing in the field.

• I used to have a fear of hurdles...but I got over it

• I went to Premature Ejaculators Anonymous but nobody was there.
  I guess I came too soon.

• I can hear music coming out of my printer.
  I think the paper's jammin' again.

• Why is gay marriage an issue? Because people are f*cking assholes.

• Ive been trying to make a Rhino joke.
  But its making me horny....

• I would say becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

• The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

• I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

• I was wondering why the ball was flying towards my face...
  ...and then it hit me....

• ROCK A BYE BABY ON THE TREE TOP WHEN THE WIND BLOWS THE BASS WILL DROP JKBFRGJKEJGHKFQ3FGKUYD2FTUDEUKY

• I've been to the dentist many times so I know the drill.

• Our date was awesome. Especially the way it ended: with a bang

• Why can't orphans play baseball Because they can't find home

• The seabird had to have a rest during it's migration because it ran out of "petrel".

• Someone stole my mood ring,
  I don't know how to feel about that.

• Coach: There's no I in team
  Me: But there's an M and an E
  Coach: .....
  Me: Exactly

• If women from the south are called southern belles, are women from Mexico called taco bells?

• Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands...
  ^ I love telling that joke, it never gets old.

• I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I'm outstanding.

• An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
  
  

• I am selling my guitar, no strings attached!!

• When you're walking into the bathroom you're American.
  When you're walking out of the bathroom you're American.
  What are you when you're inside the bathroom?
  European.

• What did the German teacher say to the Jewish student?
  Concentrate

• A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.
  
  His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.
  
  The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.
  
  It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of ... "dye a rhea".
  
  

• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  
  A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
  
  

• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

• I painted my laptop bIack in hopes that it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

• A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

• Dirty Places
  Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
  Assonet (Massachusetts, USA)
  Bastard (Norway)
  Bastardstown (County Wexford, Ireland)
  Bear Butte (South Dakota, USA)
  Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
  Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
  Beaver Lick Baptist Church (11460 US Hwy 42; Union, KY 41091-9483;USA)
  Big Bone Lick State Park (Kentucky, south of Cincinnati; USA)
  Bonar Bridge (Scotland)
  
  Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
  Bumpass Creek (Alabama, USA)
  
  Butte City (Idaho, USA)
  
  Butt's Corner (New York, USA)
  Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
  Climax (Colorado, USA)
  Climax Springs (Missouri, USA)
  Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)
  Cocke County (Tennessee, USA)
  Cunt (Spain)
  Cunter (Switzerland)
  Devil's Dyke (United Kingdom)
  Dikshit (India)
  Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
  Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
  Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
  Effin (Limerick, Ireland)
  Erect (Randolph County, North Carolina, USA)
  
  Fairy Glen (Saskatchewan, Canada)
  
  Fanny Bay (Australia)
  Fertile (Iowa, USA)
  Flasher (North Dakota, USA)
  Fucking (Part of the municipality of Tarsdorf, in the Innviertel region of Upper Austria)
  Frenchman Butte (Saskatchewan, Canada)
  Fuku (Shensi, China)
  Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
  Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
  Fukum (Yemen)
  Gayhead Island (Martha's Vineyard, MA.....yes there is a ferry to Gayhead Island)
  Gaylordsville (Connecticut, USA)
  
  Gassville (Arkansas, USA)
  Gnaw Bone (Indiana, USA)
  Hardup (Utah, USA)
  Hell (Michigan, USA)
  Hold With Hope (Greenland)
  Hookersville (West Virginia, USA)
  
  Humptulips (Washington, USA)
  Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
  Kisslegg (Bavaria, Germany)
  
  Knob Lick (Kentucky, USA)
  
  Koksoak River (Canada)
  Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
  Lick Run (Pennsylvania, USA)
  
  Likwang (China)
  Little Dix Village (West Indies)
  Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
  
  Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
  Moorhead (Mississippi, USA)
  Muff (Northern Ireland)
  Naked City (Indiana, USA)
  Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
  Onenut (California, USA)
  Packwood (Iowa, USA)
  Penisthorpe (England, recently changed to Pensthorpe) Penistone (South Yorkshire, UK)
  Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
  Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
  Seymen (Turkey)
  Shafter (California, USA)
  Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
  Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
  Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK)
  Smuts (Saskatchewan, Canada)
  Stains (France)
  Stillorgan (Ireland)
  Smackover (Arkansas, USA)
  Tingley (Iowa, USA)
  Titisee (Freiburg, Germany)
  Tittybong (Australia)
  Tong Fuk (Japan)
  Top Ryde (New South Wales, Australia)
  
  Turdo (Romania)
  Twatt (Orkney, UK)
  Wank (Germany)
  Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
  
  Wankener (India)
  Wankie (Zimbabwe)
  Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
  
  Wanks River (Nicaragua)
  Wankum (Germany)
  Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
  

• One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
  
  "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
  
  "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
  
  The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
  
  "I'm marrying a Russet!"
  
  "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
  
  "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
  
  As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
  
  "And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
  
  Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
  
  "You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
  
  "I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
  
  "An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
  
  Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
  
  "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
  
  "Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
  
  "Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
  
  "I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
  
  "Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
  
  

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• I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

• Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Err...so how do you drive this thing?”

• The wife's gone and left me due to my obsession with glass. I'm shattered.

• So i've decided that my wifi will be my valentine.
  Idk, we just have this connection.

• I was about to crack a joke about my sex life. Then I figured it wouldn't bang.

• Ayy Jack, You Late!
  (Hey, Jack, You're late!)
  (Ejaculate)

• The scare crow got promoted to the manager at a supermarket, because he was outstanding in his field

• 20 Things to do Before You Die...
  1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
  2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
  3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
  4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
  5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
  6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
  7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
  8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
  9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
  10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
  11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.
  12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
  13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
  14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
  15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
  16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
  17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".
  18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
  19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
  20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off...

• When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
  
  "Well...tell me!" he demanded.
  
  The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
  
  Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
  
  So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
  
  "OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
  
  "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
  
  "Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
  
  The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
  
  

• Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way... The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.
  
  One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.
  
  Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.
  
  

• I was going to tell you a poop joke, but it didn't come out right!

• Wanna know how to tell a boy atom from a girl atom?
  pull down they're "Jeans" ;)

• When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

• What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
  Only one of them completely finished a race.

• A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

• I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
  
  

• Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
  
  At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
  
  Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
  
  The other replied, "No, it's not!".
  
  The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
  
  To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
  
  

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  Return to the funny puns page
  
  

• What do you call a bee that makes milk? BOOBIES!

• There's was a blind man walking he past a fish market and tooked a deep breath and said good morning lady's

• lets have a toast for the bread winners

• i went to to the shop to buy 8 sprites i came home and realised id picked 7 up

• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

• Do you want to hear a black joke?
  No, ill slave it for later

• I am reading a book about Japanese Sword-Fighting, would you like me to samuarise it?

• I was going to make a gay joke, butt f*ck it.

• i had pun-cakes this morning

• I'm sorry for my terrible Hurricane Sandy jokes, I know they blow.

• I was going to make a 'third reich' joke, but now is not 'zee time.

• Thought of making an anal joke.
  Butt f*ck it.

• What do brokeback mountain and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
  They both have cowboys that suck.

• I think I want a job cleaning mirrors... its just something I can see myself doing.

• I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

• Worker: The allies have invades normady!-------------------------------- Hitler: Wow... I did NAZI that coming!

• Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

• The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

• Q:Why did tigger stick his head down the toilet?
  A:He was looking for POOH

• Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom?
  Because he was a fungi.

• What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

• There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

• A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.
  
  While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.
  
  He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.
  
  Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.
  
  So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"
  
  

• Best way to deal with prison rape is to just put it behind you.

• It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

• I was going to tell a Mexican joke, but that's just crossing the border!

• There were three guys, Poo, Shut up and Manners. Poo fell off his bike, Manners went to help and Shut up rang the ambulance. The ambulance co-ordinate asked " what is your name?" 'SHUT UP.' "I'm sorry, what is your name?" 'SHUT UP!' "Wheres your manners!?!" 'Over there, picking up Poo.

• A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
  
  Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
  
  The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
  
  Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
  
  The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
  
  The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
  
  

• Is google a woman?
  Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

• What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.

• A Chinese guy sees his mate flirting with a woman this is what they said:
  Mate: I'm entirely innocent! I just happen to be passing this certain young lady, whoever she is! Woman: Why's he wearing a lampshade? (referring to his Chinese hat) Chinese guy: If you want it, it's yours!
  Woman: But what would I be doing with a lampshade?
  Chinese guy: Get yourself a lamp, and it'll make a change from turning my mate on!

• There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.
  
  One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.
  
  The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
  
  

• I call myself a shark because I can swim and my grades are below C level

• A guy is watching his friend run a race. He yells from the crowd, "Come on, dude! Mustard the strength to ketchup to your opponents, and then you can relish your victory!" But after a while, he notices that his friend is getting tired. He tries reverse psychology. "Actually, y'know what? Winning isn't important. You mayo may not win, but that's fine. You'll still get butter."

• A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
  
  

• A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
  
  

• Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

• Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,
  
  "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"
  
  The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"
  
  So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,
  
  "I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."
  
  To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"
  
  Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,
  
  "Well, could we at least talk?"
  
  This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."
  
  

• I found this guy who can juggle... He just didn't have the balls to do it.
  

• Gay jokes aren't funny. Cum on guys.

• I was wondering why that Frisbee was getting bigger.
  Then it hit me...

• Why did the jelly bean go to university?
  He wanted to be a smartie! Kick ass if you get it! :)

• Dad:(hits son with the door)
  Dad:(laghing) you just got adored

• Geology joke:
  Girl: Hey grandma look at the granite I found!
  Geologist grandma: Thats gneiss dear.
  Girl: Thanks grandma! (runs off)
  Geologist grandma: ?????

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
  My next crap could spell disaster.

• What do you call a small house with no curves?
  A flat

• I'm reading a book on gravity. It's impossible to put down!

• Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

• Two fishermen went out fishing.
  They talked about the business they ran.
  One fisherman asks the other: "What's our net worth?"

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

• Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

• My cooking class invited me to give a speech. It's about thyme.

• boy: go to hell
  other boy: why getting lonely down their

• The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more furniture... but all i really wanted was a one night stand.

• Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
  
  

• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

• Have you seen the movie Constipation? Oh yeah that's right, it hasn't come out yet!

• He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn't find a single phone boot.
  
  

• It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.
  
  

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.
  
  Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"
  
  The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!", he said and vanished.
  
  All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.
  
  The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
  
  One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.
  
  The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.
  
  "I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.
  
  The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
  
  Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.
  
  "How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
  
  The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS."
  
  

• There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

• There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.
  
  Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
  
  So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.
  
  Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
  
  

• how did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
  he gave her a ring

• Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
  
  Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
  
  Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
  
  Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
  
  A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
  
  "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
  
  Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
  
  With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
  
  After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
  
  The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
  
  Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
  
  Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
  
  "Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
  
  

• What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
  No on ever paid $50 to have a lentil on their face.

• what do clocks do when they are hungry? go back for seconds

• Stupid, Trouble and Manners were out on the farm. When stupid and manners did not find trouble they split up. Stupid bumped into a police man. The man said "Are you stupid?!" Stupid replied "Yes I am" and scurried off. He met a thug and the thug said "What are you looking for?" Stupid replied "I am looking for trouble" and scurried off. He then filed a missing person's report and an officer asks him "Where is manners?" Stupid replies "Manners is outside"

• A little girl and her mother are at chuch when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
  When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
  "Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

• The scientific name for a vine hangover is called "The Grape Depression"

• Friend:Who are we looking for? Me: We're finding Nemo. Friend:Then why are we looking around the school? We should be looking in the school toilets!

• I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

• why did the picture go to jail? because it was framed.

• A guy just threw milk at me... How dairy?!

• I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

• Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

• What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

• Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

• Bitch, if your going to be two faced at least make one pretty

• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

• I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
  All I did was take a day off.

• Why can't you run through a camp? It'd be ran, because it's past tents.

• Next halloween I'm dressing up as father time so I can walk around and tell b*tches "suck my clock, you could blow some time".

• I just threw up a gang sign, which is weird, because I don't remember eating one.

• A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
  
  

• Gay jokes are so overused, butt fuck it.

• Where do TVs go on vacation?
  To remote islands!

• A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

• GIRL: baby, how much do you love me?
  BOY: look up in the sky and count the stars. That's how much
  GIRL: awwww *looks up at sky*
  but it's morning.
  BOY: EXACTLY!!! >:-D

• Anant walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the Anant. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am."
  The Anant replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

• I've accepted the fact that being cremated is my last hope for a smoking, hot body.

• Why don't ghosts wear shoes?
  They're sole-less!

• What do you call a really lazy guy on drugs?
  A baked potato.

• I'm going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?

• Mattress: Nothing really mattress.
  Armchair: Couldn't chair less.

• What do you call meat made in the wrong factory?
  A misteak!

• i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

• There was a cat with 16 lives.
  A 4x4 (jeep) ran it over,
  And the cat died.
  Kickass if you get it.

• Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
  
  

• don't hold in your farts, thats where you get your crappy ideas from

• I just threw a dead Duracell out the window and it hit a police officers windshield. Ironically, He charged me with Battery.

• Why can't a bike stand on it's own?
  Because it is two tired.

• "Did I invite you to my barbeque?"
  "No"
  "Then why you all up In my grill?"

• ''I hate tacos'' said no Juan ever

• Teacher- Alright kids pick up your trash and clean up any mess.
  Me- Ok guys lets go lift up the teacher in put her in the trash can.
  

• first guy: I was seeing this really beautiful woman for about 3 weeksl
  second guy:what happened?
  first guy: my binoculars broke.
  

• Apparently Atheism is a non-prophet organization

• The outcome of war does not prove who is right, but only who is left.

• The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.
  
  I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.
  
  So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again.
  
  Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.
  
  And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.
  
  The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.
  
  The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white."
  
  

• The guy who was convicted of a marijuana charge, had his case sent to a joint committee.

• To the guy who invented Zero:
  Thanks for nothing!

• What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?
  White vans

• I don't trust people with graph paper. They're always plotting something

• Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

• Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.
  
  

• A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
  
  

• Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
  A: Ate something

• Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.

• Don't worry guys, I won't make a joke about bread.
  It's the yeast that I could do.

• Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
  
  In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
  
  Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
  
  The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
  
  He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
  
  

• How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

• I was going to tell a penis joke, but it's too hard.

• I just realised that I haven't done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it's all about.

• I'm trying to think of a Miley Cyrus joke but its not twerking.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• Darth Vader once made cookies, but they were a little on the dark side.

• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

• As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
  
  When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
  
  "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
  
  

• Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
  
  The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"
  
  

• What if it doesn't want to be called hot sauce? What if it wants to be called beautiful sauce?

• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  
  Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  
  

• What is the difference between a tea bag and Spain. A tea bag stays longer in the cup

• He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
  
  

• The good thing about dating a blind girl is that you don't have to worry about her seeing anybody.

• Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.
  
  As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.
  
  Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.
  
  Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!
  
  And the moral of the story is:
  
  Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
  
  

• When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

• Enough with the cripple jokes!
  ...I just can't stand them.

• I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

• I had a friend who was addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

• Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
  
  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
  
  

• I used to go fishing with Skrillex, but they kept dropping the bass.

• Stop with the blind jokes...I dont see their point

• Taco: Do you want to taco 'bout it?
  Nacho: It's nacho problem.

• So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!? It's not the end of the world!

• Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right, so I left.

• I was going to tell a midget joke, but it's too short.

• It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

• There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it."
  
  Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."
  
  

• But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
  
  The baby started to cry.
  
  "What's wrong?" said the mother.
  
  "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
  
  

• An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
  
  "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
  
  "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
  
  "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
  
  "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
  
  

• I don't know what's up with this bottle of Whiskey, but I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

• Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

• How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it

• My weed problem is it the bag.

• There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.
  
  Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"
  
  Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."
  
  

• A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
  
  

• Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed "Special Ross". After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him "Leonard Cheeks". Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched.
  
  What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: "Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin' bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!"
  
  

• The other week i walked into a bank with a Frog Costume on and i actually robbed the bank. So yeah thats the first time i ever Kermitted a crime.

• A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.
  
  She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
  
  Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
  
  

• Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

• A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
  
  Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
  
  So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
  
  And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
  
  

• A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
  
  He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
  
  The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
  
  "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's fraudulent lying scum!".
  
  Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
  
  The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
  
  The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged.".
  
  The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."
  
  

• Q:What did the chips say to the plate that fell off a stool
  A:I hope u didnt get chipped
  Kickass if u get it

• Blonde Asks Anant - Do U know the full-form of COLLEGE-
  Anant : I know , it's
  C-Come,
  O-On,
  L-Lets,
  L-Love,
  E-Each,
  G-Girl,
  E-Equally……
  Thats why boys go to college regularly

• Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So ... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
  
  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  
  

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
  

• A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

• I was Russian to the bathroom where European.

• They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster.

• The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.
  
  

• Velcro - what a rip-off!

• When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

• Why does the bed have so many kids?
  Because he always getting laid on.

• I beat my friend in a foot-race,he was a sore loser.
  I guess he couldn't take the agony of de-feet!

• teacher:for todays lesson...
  boy:bla bla bla...
  me:shoosh!!
  teacher:thank you!
  so now we can continue with...
  me:SHOOSH!!!!!

• My Mum use to hit me with a belt
  But then she realized it was a waist of time

• What do you call it when you murder a gay person?
  HOMOcide

• guys, stop with the menstruation jokes...Period.

• Me: Hey Miss have you seen the clown that hides from gay people in Target?
  Teacher:No I haven't
  Me: Haha LOL
  Teacher: Huh....... oh right that's funny detention at lunch.
  Me: It was so worth it.

• I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

• Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
  
  Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
  
  "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".
  
  

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

• A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
  
  One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
  
  The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
  
  "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
  
  

• How does Joshua Huynh get girls?
  He seduces them with his Secy awkwardness

• A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
  
  The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
  
  "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
  
  To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
  
  

• Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you just abuse the privilage

• want to hear a construction joke?
  I'm working on it

• What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

• A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
  
  

• Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
  
  After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
  
  The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
  
  Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".
  
  The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
  
  Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
  
  Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
  
  

• Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

• This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
  
  He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."
  
  The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"
  
  Artie answers, "No."
  
  The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."
  
  So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"
  
  The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."
  
  Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."
  
  The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."
  
  Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.
  
  The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.
  
  In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"
  
  

• Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
  
  "Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
  
  "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
  
  "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
  
  Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
  
  "Certainly madam," he replied.
  
  "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
  
  The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
  
  "Morning madam...sleep well?"
  
  "Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
  
  "Food to your liking?"
  
  "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
  
  "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
  
  We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
  
  "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
  
  Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
  
  "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
  
  

• No more Harry Potter jokes guys, I'm Sirius.

• I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

• What did the drug dealer say to the drug addict?
  weed make a cute couple.

• My Australian puns are of good koala-ty!

• Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink

• Q: What do you call a group of fish jumping rope?
  A: Skipping School.

• Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
  
  Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
  
  The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
  
  It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
  
  

• The Doctor; "Knock Knock"
  The Master; "Who's there?"
  Doctor;"I love Doctor."
  Master;"I love Doctor Who."
  Master; >:O

• dont trust atoms they make up everything

• Did you here about the guy who got his whole left side cut off. He's all right now

• Kid- Can I use the restroom?
  Teacher- May I use the restroom!
  Kid- Hey I asked first!

• There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
  
  One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
  
  But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
  
  He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.
  
  He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
  
  The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"