Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbitede ebonics Crimmus Pome
Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
And all ower da hood
ereybody wuz sleeping
Dey wuz sleepin' good.
We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
That old Santa Clause
Be bringin' our check.
All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Danced through dey heads.
I passed out inna' flo'
Right nex to my Maw
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!
I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
'spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo sho.
And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon
Pulled by giant warf rats.
Now ober all de years
Santa Clause, he be white
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.
Faster dan a Po'lees car
My home boy he came
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name.
On Leroy, on Lonzo
And on Willie Lee
On Saphire, on Chenequa
Dey wuz a site to see.
As he landed dat watta'mellon
Out der in da skreet
I knwed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see.
He didn't go down no chimbley
He picked da' lock on my doe
An' I sez to myself
Shit! He done dis befoe."
He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'xpect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
to wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents
Jus started stealing my shit
Got my drugs, got my guns
Even got my burglars's kit.
Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da windo he flewed
I woudda' tried to catched him
But he stoled my 'nife too.
He jumped on dat wadda'mellon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a seccon'
Dat son of a bitch!!
Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause
Jus' ant' werf a shit!!!The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"Q. What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent NightIf you received a fruitcake for Christmas, share it with all your
friends today, National Fruitcake Day (Dec 27). Make sure every-
one gets a piece. Also known as Fruitcake Forever Day.
Sung to Last Train to Clarksville (Monkees)
and Modified by Chef Frank
Eat the last piece of fruitcake
that we got from Auntie Mabel
We can't keep it in the kitchen
'cause it broke right through the table
and the floor
Oh no no no
Oh no no no
"Cause your father lost a filling
and your sister broke a cap
And I lost a half a filling,
the rest is on a string tied to the door
Oh no no no
Oh no no no
And I don't think I can chew gum anymore
Eat the last piece of fruitcake
that came via forklift
Or use it for a doorstop
Might as well get some good use out of this gift.
Oh no no no
Oh no no no
Hohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohoho
Hohohohohohohohoho
Eat the last piece of fruitcake
That we have in our home
I don't know how old it is
But I bet that it was baked by Wilma Flintstone
Oh no no no
Oh no no no
And I don't think that I like her anymore."Stable Boy" BornSpecial To The Star – Bethlehem officials refused comment, but 3 men on camels said DYFS took custody of an infant born in a barn. The terrible conditions found are the basis for a hearing on whether the parents are guilty of child abuse. One of the men, Gaspar, was arrested when police found he had 50 g. of frankincense wrapped as a gift. He is being charged with intent to distribute.In a related story, a boy, ox and lamb were arrested for disturbing the peace after guests of a nearby inn complained about incessant drumming. Police held the boy and his drum as evidence. The ox and lamb were released after it was determined they were only keeping time.
Paternity QuestionedThe story surrounding "Stable Boy" got more confusing late yesterday when Joseph produced documentation he had undergone a vasectomy 2 years ago and accused his wife of having an affair. Mary, the mother of "Stable Boy", refused to provide any explanation and is now at the Bethlehem Home for Unwed Mothers.
Officials Warn of Upcoming Y0KThe changes necessary because of the birth of "Stable Boy" will likely cost more than 2.3 million shekels, according to authorities. The stone masons are receiving much of the blame for not planning ahead. The problem arises because, in an effort to conserve space on tablets, masons would not include "BC" in any date fields. Now it will be necessary to include the letters to differentiate between 1 BC and 1 AD.
Inn Keeper Accused of BiasBethlehem Housing & Urban Development has accused the manager of the Bethlehem Holiday Inn of discrimination when he told a couple there was no room at the inn. Apparently the woman was pregnant (see related story above) and was with her carpenter husband on the trip to pay their taxes. They even refused to validate the parking of the burro. BHUD says the hotel does not serve Christians.
White Sales Bring In ProfitsLocal stores are hoping for big profits from upcoming sales. Bethlehem is at its busiest this time of year with taxes due and the light show scheduled for Dec 25. The show by Gucci Brothers of Sodom will be visible as far away as the Orient. Prior to the light show, "The Herald Angels" will sing.Some real bargains can be found throughout the city. Culinary shop, "The Salt Cellar", owned by Mrs. Lot, is offering daily specials as is "Moor Pottery & Ceramics".A teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they
celebrated Christmas. She called first on young Patrick Murphy.
"Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class "Me and my twelve brothers and sister
go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very
late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come
with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do
at Christmas?"
"Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we sing
carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the chimney
and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus
to bring our presents."
"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said.
Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting
to leave him out of the discussion, she asked him the same
question.
"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, we also sing carols," Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing."
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the
office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves
and sing, "What a friend we have in Jesus." Then we all go to
the Bahamas for 2 weeks.On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,12 reasons to cancel,11 channels not working,10 hours without mail,9 frozen chat rooms,8 hours of busy signals,7 frozen IMs,6 disconnections,5 web crashes,4 idiots at tech help,3 error messages,2 pieces of junk mail,and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.
A bird dog could be called a point setter.
James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The
Deer Sleigher.
What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel?
It's a matter of a pinion!
It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play.
In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression
commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.
1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost
of _____ _____.
3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.
4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____
5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____
6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing
on _____ _____.
7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.
8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.
9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.
10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.
11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____.
12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.
13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as
_____ _____.
14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas?
_____ _____.
Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like Chrome for
the Hollandaise.
Answers
1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, Noel (no l, no l)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to
movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is
eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever
that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish
friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar
so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar,
provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish
Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel
(especially in Florida).
Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays.They tried to kill us, we
survived, let's eat!!
Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks,
or a the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on
the bookshelf.
There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to
spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka.
Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boy friends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of
that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we
get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come o Ye Faithful.
Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or about having a
party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased
that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our
tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing
them beautifully?
A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell
of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in
festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil,
potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people
all talking at once.
Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women
burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions
for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through
the ages.
Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish
parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight
nights.
The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names
such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story
are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can
spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends
anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. **** Funny! - Jews
think, "Joseph, bubela. Snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant,
you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God. Here's
the number of my shrink."
In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor
holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such
as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to
synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your
dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed
good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
OY!!A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ swingset." Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?"
The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ sandbox for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a $*#%@#$ trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune." Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa brought me a $*#%@#$ dog, but I can't find him."The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
But she believes in Master Charge!Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he
ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population in his
ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him
unspeakable pseudonyms -- the objective of which was to lower his self-esteem
and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities
consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified
year...
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture
(who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal
characteristic.
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express
purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward
Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and
your memory will be preserved for posterity!A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50
Baptist and 50 Catholic."SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and.....
PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you
Why.
DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........
....(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Eleven unwrapped presents,
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
A dozen puppy kisses...
And I forgot all about the other eleven days.NEWS FLASH!
There will be no Christmas celebration in Washington, DC this year. Apparently they could not find three wise men.It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes
because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the Rabbi was called upon to help
solve the problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the
flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty...you think it'll work?"
"Of course! As everybody knows...Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!""
I was travelling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather is up there
(and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop for a
inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went to
another. Then another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph's.
"Rudolph's?" I said, surprised. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"
To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows rain gear."
(By Dave Christian)
Once Horace Gold [my editor] went too far. He rejected a story of mine which he
called "meretricious." The word is from the Latin meretrix, meaning
"prostitute," so that the implication was that I was prostituting my talent and
was writing a bad story that would get by on my name alone because I was too
lazy to write a good one. (This was not true, by the way. This particular story
was sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.)
Swallowing my annoyance, I said mildly, "What was that word you used?"
Obviously proud at knowing a word he felt I didn't know, Horace enunciated
carefully, "Meretricious!"
Whereupon I said, "And a Happy New Year to you."
(By Isaac Asimov)
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of
people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the
line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no
daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!"
"I'm not," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."
"No, not at all," my friend responded.
"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this
line?"
"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated, . . ."I've never
been able to resist a barbie queue!"
Little Wendy is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?
Little Wendy replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes
with Ken".
"No", said Wendy, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken"NORTH POLE RESOLVES LAWSUIT
A.P. ? December 22, 1999
Counsel for the North Pole Foundation announced the out of court settlement of a civil suit filed by a group called the Christmas Trolls. Proceedings began in January 1986 when the previously unknown troll alliance claimed discriminatory labor practices. NPF agreed to an undisclosed sum and admitted no wrongdoing. The organization?s longtime CEO Mr. Santa Claus did not attend today?s press conference, citing pre-holiday duties.
Three unemployed trolls from Barrow, Alaska had answered a classified ad. "If you're magical, small, and can build toys there?s a job for you at the Workshop" the copy had read. The trolls rented sled dogs and made the trek across thin ice. Fifteen elves applied the same day and were all hired. The trolls were turned away.
60 Minutes ran a segment about their plight. A spokesman for Mr. Claus's organization asserted that the trolls had failed the basic skill test. He showed the camera two of the three toys constructed by the trolls: a jack-in-the-box that contained a lifelike tarantula and a hobby warthog. The trolls countered that their third toy had been a teddy bear. "With fangs!" responded the spokesman. Letters to the program overwhelmingly favored Father Christmas. Wrote one viewer, "Trolls are disgusting."
The controversy continued in the supernatural creatures' trade press, only once again making broader headlines. "It's an outrage!" a reporter overheard Mr. Claus exclaim on encountering picketing trolls outside a Juneau restaurant. "You should crawl back under a bridge and eat billy goats!" Reports of the incident swept across Alaska, becoming an international scandal when six of the troll protesters proved to be Canadian citizens. "Yes, I like trolls in principle," Mr. Claus said in a notorious impromptu interview, "as long as they know their place. Have you ever smelled one of them?"
The Christmas Trolls then formed an unlikely alliance with the Anti-Defamation League of B'nai B'rith. UPI editors mistook the press release for a prank, but the charges were serious. They asserted not only that Santa was personally prejudiced against trolls but that he had been a Nazi sympathizer. Mr. Claus had delivered gifts to Hitler Youth, rewarded French and Dutch collaborators, and charted an aerial course directly over the Warsaw Ghetto while noting the missed opportunity to provide food drops. "Bad or good my a**," scrawled one troll on a fax cover sheet to the New York Times. This comment may have been responsible for the paper's decision not to run the story.
Despite continuing media blunders the Christmas Trolls were winning in court. Subsequent filings included documentation that 97.2 percent of the NPF employees were elves and that Santa claimed ethnic affiliation as a "right jolly old elf." A disgruntled gnome who once worked in the kitchen came forward to testify. "They'll hire you if you ain't an elf, but you better be cute and you sure ain't gettin' into the union. Dishwasher, janitor, maybe a filing clerk. That's it."
Attorneys for NPF supplied evidence that 30,000 human helpers were hired as independent contractors to represent Mr. Claus each December. "Elves constitute less than 10 percent of the actual work force." Two other gnomes and a leprechaun, all current employees, testified that NPF was an exemplary employer. After a preliminary ruling favored the trolls, NPF's law firm of Grinch, Humbug, and Scrooge won dismissal on the grounds that the North Pole is international territory. The trolls had filed under Alaskan law.
The World Court refused to hear the case, stating that neither side represented a sovereign government. From 1995 to 1997 the case was dead. The trolls of Barrow, Alaska had exhausted their savings. One even took a job with a carnival side show. While on tour she met a Fairbanks attorney who revived the issue as a slander lawsuit.
Although the North Pole Foundation avoided further public scandal, rumors spread and institutional contributions dwindled. Negotiations for corporate sponsorship also ended abruptly. Said a public relations representative from NPF, "We really didn't think a Mattel Christmas sleigh was appropriate anyway."
Leaks from both sides tell that the legal impasse was broken when all three of the original trolls decided they no longer had any desire to work at the North Pole. NPF signed a pledge that future troll applicants would be considered fairly.
In response to a Wall Street Journal reporter's question about waning American corporate donations, the NPF representative answered, "This had nothing to do with our decision to settle the case. Over half the toys we deliver come from Taiwan and Japan."
At that moment a stray microphone picked up one attorney's cellular phone. "That d***ed Ford Foundation. It?s a troll front," growled the distinct voice of Mr. Claus.
"Remember your grandmother," his lawyer Mr. Grinch hissed. "She was a troll too." The words echoed from the auditorium speakers.
A long silence filled the hall. "This'll be one for the spin doctors," somebody mumbled.
The visibly shaken elf spokesman then attempted to reassure the press that children around the world would not bear the cost of the settlement. A lone troll at the back of the room interrupted to throw switches and coal, hollering, "'Fess up. Only the really good tykes get goodies this year!"
Authorities booked the heckler for disorderly conduct. Activists called the arrest a fresh outrage and vowed to reveal the ugly truth about Santa's Workshop. "We're gonna troll that ancient yuletide carol, capisce?"
?1999 Lise Broer
All Rights ReservedEnterprise NCC1701-D, Stardate Christmas Eve
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Enterprise
Not a life form was stirring, of any known size.
The phasers were hung by the transporters with care
In hopes that no Borg ship would ever come there.
The ensigns were nestled all snug in their beds
While millions of nanites danced on their heads.
And Crusher with her scanner and Picard with his book
Had just settled down in a quiet little nook.
When out on the bow there arose such a clatter,
Picard spilled his tea and wondered what was the matter.
Away to a bridge he streaked like a laser,
Woke Worf from his sleep and drew out his phaser.
The hum of the ship as its engines engaged
Gave Picard assurance that all was okay,
When what should appear on the forward displays,
But a large Borg ship with eight tractor beam rays!
It had an ominous look that frightened the crew,
And Picard knew in a moment, it must not be Q.
More rapid than phasers their tractor beams came
And they hailed and shouted each crew member's name!
"Now, Picard! now, Crusher! now, Data and LaForge!
Hey, Guinan! hey, Riker! hey, Deanna and Worf!
Resistance is futile! You all must comply!
You must be assimilated or else you must die!"
As merchant space vessels of slow warp retreat
Are by photons of Warbirds blown to ionic debris,
So would be the Enterprise and all of her crew
If a timely surrender did not quickly ensue.
And then in an instant, Picard heard on the hull
The creaking and jolting of a tractor beam's pull.
As he took a deep breath, and was turning around,
On board beamed a Borg with a soft beaming sound!
He was dressed all in gadgets from his head to his toe,
And his skin was washed out and was whiter than snow.
An arrangement of tools he held tight in his hand,
And he seemed a dark minstrel directing a band.
His optical apertures, oh how they stared!
His implants and armor in his skin were ensnared!
His dull little mouth was drawn rather tight,
And the suit on his frame was as black as the night;
A menacing scanner he produced from his arm,
And the sparks from the consoles set off an alarm!
He spoke not a word, but proceeded to lurk,
And never once paused as he continued his work.
At a bleep from the scanner, the Borg jerked his head
And it made Picard think he had so much to dread!
But the Borg moved along, and returned to his scan,
Then Picard saw his chance to destroy this Borg man.
The captain drew his phaser and shot the Borg dead
And the Borg fell over much quicker than said.
Then Picard gave orders that photons be sent
And the Borg cube's hull was soon broken and bent.
With a jolt and a creak the ship was released,
And the Borg disappeared who had lain there deceased.
Then away the Borg flew as if they were scared
And Picard was puzzled by the attack they had dared.
But he heard them exclaim ere they warped out of sight,
"Happy Christmas, Locutus, and to all a good night!"In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable
to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her
that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the
Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three
wise man came from afar.'"1. "I'm down here"
2. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
3. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
4. "I can get you off the naughty list"
5. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
6. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
7. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at
Keebler"
8. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
9. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
10. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently,
my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to
someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago
finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother
gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).
Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided
to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish
for years.
Items Needed
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles
WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
(Children Get help from an adult!)
Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.
Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber
mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake.
Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits
should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.
For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of
your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).
Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the time-
less and enduring gift of fruitcake!I went to college with a fellow named Donald Weinhower. He inherited his Dad's
ladies clothing store (Sol's Fashion Boutique) and did fairly well with it for
a number of years.
After a while he noticed that whenever he got in larger-sized items that were
stylish, certain men would come in and eagerly buy the items. He also
eventually realized that these fellows were buying the fashions for themselves!
Even when he raised the prices to quite high margins, all the goods of that type
would just about fly out of the store.
Well, Don finally decided that he could make a lot more money by just catering
to these special clients. He remodeled the store, brought in all new stock, and
changed the name of the shop.
Yes, you guessed it - he named the shop Don Weinhower Gay Apparell!BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS
By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush
filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus
from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint
seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon,
asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of
checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time
before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas,
asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and
desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and
certify the original list as submitted, without amendment,
alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is
nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times
does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking
over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James
Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf
removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them
under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named
Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and
blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the
North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My
mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They
didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct
plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the
honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the
world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said,
adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the
pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest
development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the
North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to
leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and
delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself
said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal
action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said
the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.Q: What happens when you eat tinsel?
A: You get tinselitis.Just see those Dreidels turning
And candles burning all night
Why it's that Chanukah time
We (Jews) call the Festival of Light.
I'm busy buying Chachkes
And frying Latkes for you (and you and you)
Come on, there's lots of bargains
At Saks Fifth Avenue.
Bridge 1
Oy Gevalt, Oy Gevalt, Oy Gevalt, you know,
I'm sick of the snow
I'm dreaming of a warmer place to go.
Gonna shlep, gonna shlep the family
They're comin' with me.
We'll celebrate Chanukah on the beaches of Miami.
With all the colds they're catching
My friends are kvetching, "Oy Vey!"
Let's have our agent book us
And fly our tuchus away.
Bridge 2
There's a shabbas dinner at the house of Rabbi Cohen
It'll be the perfect evening in a kosher home
We'll be noshing on foods we love to eat and maybe take a snooze
Then sit on the couch and eat some more and schmuz
Schmuz, schmuz, schmuz.
Then the rabbi says the blessing and we say,"Amen."
It's a ritual that we'll repeat each year again,
And the children will laugh and open gifts and we'll just watch and kvell
And listen again to the stories that Bubbe and Zeite tell.
And now it's time to finish
This bissel of Yiddish right here
Wishing both Jews and Goyim
A happy and healthy New Year . . . L'chaim!Once upon a time there was a flock of angels with long flowing
beautiful hair. But lo and behold, due to improper eating habits
and advanced age, all their hair fell out.
They soon saw the light and purchased gorgeous, extravagant wigs,
which were even more golden and more flowing than their original
hair.
One day, there came unto the angels very bad tidings. They lost
their financial security and were reduced to a penniless state. In
utmost misery, they fell to their knees and prayed for a solution.
Suddenly, the clouds parted and a thunderous voice gave forth the
following, "Hock the Hair, Old Angels."For all the nights you stayed up late
to trim the Christmas tree,
For all the costly presents
That you purchased just for me...
For all the times you tucked me in
And read me stories too,
For all the ways you cheered me up
When I was feeling blue...
For all the cookies that you baked
And stockings that you stuffed,
For all the messes you cleaned up
And pillows that you fluffed...
For all the days you loved me,
Even when I made it hard,
For all these things,
and much,much more...
Here's a Christmas card!
(Kinda makes it all seem worth it,
doesn't it,Mom?...Mom?)
Merry Christmas!WHICH IS BEST?
CONTROVERSY Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE Live tree, planted after use
MALE Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE Elegant flickering candles
REALITY Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY Do you fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY Chinese carryout or McDonald'sIn a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"Q: When do you stop believing in Santa Claus?
A: When you start getting clothes for Christmas.FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO Everyone
RE Christmas Party
DATE December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus!
_____________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 2
RE Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".
___________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 7
RE Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight
hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this
time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days
are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in
little foil swans.
___________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 8
RE Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
breaks.
____________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date December 9
RE Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition,
folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
____________________________________________________________________
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE December 10
RE Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party
at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know,
tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard
them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!
____________________________________________________________________
FROM Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE December 14
RE Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday
party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!Q: What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A: A pony sleigh station.'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad,
There was nada happenin', now thats pretty bad.
The woodstove was hung up in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.
With our stomachs packed with tacos and beer,
My girl and I crashed on the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket.
I saw a large bro' on a '56 Pan
Wearin' black leathers, a cap, and boots (cool biker, man).
He hauled up the bars on that bikeful of sacks,
And that Pan hit the roof like it was running on tracks.
I couldn't help gawking, the old guy had class.
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my ass.
Down through the stovepipe he fell with a crash,
And out of the stove he came dragging his stash.
With a smile and some glee he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her fanny and shook my right hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.
From up on the roof came a great deal of thunder,
As that massive V-twin ripped the silence asunder.
With beard in the wind, he roared off in the night,
Shouting, "Have a cool Yule, and to all a good ride!"Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise
Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought
practical gifts.This is the tale of the Crist family who worked at a zoo. Each year
they claimed to be able to predict the overall mood of the year by
watching the animals. In particular, the gnu's who, if their ears were
forward, predicted a successful, joyous year, but it their ears were
laid back flat, predicted a sorrowful, disastrous year. One year it was
young Mary's turn to "survey" the animals and come up with the
prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she
forgot to check on the gnus. Well, she botched it, predicting a bad
year, when in fact it was quite good. In explanation, the next winter
solstice, the local newspaper ran the following headline: ... Mary
Crist misses an happy gnu's ear!And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger
because there was no room for them in the inn.
And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I
bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which
is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee, who happened
to be strolling by.
As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious
symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols
were not allowed to land, or even hover. "And I have to tell you,
this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he
said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea, "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and the ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian
strife.
"That would definitely help, said the Pharisee, who knew as well
as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked
to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland
creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane
and a couple of elves and snowmen, too." he said. "No court can
resist that!"
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"
"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it
veered dangerously toward religion.
Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the
Nativity scene.
Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn
in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show
the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society
in winter." he quipped.
"We're not haggard or homeless, the inn was just full," said Mary.
"Whatever," said the painter.
Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus'
birth "because it privileged motherhood."
The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they
encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the
rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.
"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut
off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a
form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of
babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant
abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of
the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many
reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be
installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious
character.
An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been
busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether
the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or
merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.
"I'd hold off on the reindeer, the man said, explaining that the
use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes
carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out
two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal
space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments"
where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no
opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring
to the obviously exploited ox and ass.
Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist.
Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said
sharply to an elderly woman. Are you here to attack the shepherds
as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that
singing in Latin identifies us as Roman oppressors, or just to
say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined
some dumb new-age goddess religion?"
"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you
that the Magi are here."
Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped,
"They're all male!" and "Not very multicultural!"
"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.
"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted.
A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian
wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well
and your son will change the world."
At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant
and confident female face.
The woman spoke again, "There is one thing, though, Religious
holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in
ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this
business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Seasons
Greetings'?"
Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver
the message, 'Hello, it's winter?'"
"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could
make it big in mid-winter festivals, if he doesn't push the
religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn,
people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office
parties on his birthday. And that's not chopped liver!"
Thanks to Mary Campbell'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowl full of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"
Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:
"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug
"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug!You'll need the following: 1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.AUG 12 Moved to our new home in upstate New York. It is so beautiful
here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with
snow on them. I love it here.
OCT 14 Upstate New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The
leaves are turning all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went
for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so
graceful, certainly they are the most wonderful animal on earth. This
must be paradise. I love it here.
NOV 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to
kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
DEC 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow
off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I
won), and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel again. What a
beautiful place. I love upstate New York.
DEC 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick
again to the driveway. I love it here!
DEC 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get
to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Damn snow plow.
DEC 22 More of that white sh*t fell last night. I've got blisters on
my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve
and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!
DEC 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggin snow. If I ever get my
hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll
kill him. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to
melt the f**king ice.
DEC 27 More white sh*t last night. Been inside for 3 days except for
shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every
time. Can't go anywhere, car's stuck in a mountain of white sh*t. The
weatherman says to expect another 10" of the sh*t again tonight. Do you
know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?
DEC 28 The f**king weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white
sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt before next summer. The snow plow
got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to
borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already
shoveling all the sh*t he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one
over his f**king head.
JAN 4 Finally out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
and on the way back a f**king deer ran in front of the car and I hit
it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those f**king beasts should be
killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing
is rusting out from that f**king salt they put all over the road.
MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their right
mind would want to live in that God-forsaken state of New York.One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named
Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man
asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop
owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then
Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she
was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot,
as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then
moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy
Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered,
eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared
his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of
his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa, Not a creature was stirring -- Caramba! Que pasa?
Los ninos were tucked away in their camas, Some in long underwear, some in pijamas,
While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
To bring all children, both buenos and malos, A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose such a grito That I jumped to my feet like a fightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera, And who in the world do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados Were eight little burros approaching volados.
I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto, Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!"
Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea, He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,
Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala, With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos -- For none of the ninos had been very malos.
Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento, He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad, Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottle of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came loud a yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.
Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain't got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!
Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we've still got a long haul!"
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.
And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.
He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.
Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.
But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!"Downtown they've put up Christmas lights,
And decked the streets with tinsel bright.
The windows of each store you see
Contain at least one Christmas tree.
In shopping centers everywhere
Christmas carols fill the air.
And Santa's broad and merry face
Is seen in almost every place.
From all these signs, one thing is clear...
...Thanksgiving Day is drawing near!'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Geeks? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, My Mac called them by name:
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel; "On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip! Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM, Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM, Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew! He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screen saver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the
two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one
began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY
FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother
replied, "No, but Gramma is!"Dear Johnny,
I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little sh*t!
You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!
If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way,
then you can just cram it up your little *$$! As for the whistle
you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here!!! Come blow
on this! And the socks...well, I figured you are big enough to
be whacking off, and those sox would have come in handy and been
handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!
And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to
know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as
long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --always
moanin' and whinin'.
Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house
next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimbly ever again.
If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick
them up, 'cause that's about all you're going to get for Christmas.
Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll
be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.
Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!
Affectionally, Adieu,
SantaElves are great game players. They can mess around with a single
game for hours on end and never get tired. And they're always
good sports. An elf never worries about losing or looking foolish
in a game. All he cares about is the fun he's having while he
plays.
LEAPFROG:
One of their favorite games is leapfrog. The first step in this
game is finding the frogs. In fact, that's half the fun. Once
each elf has found --and caught--a large frog, they're ready to
play. When the frogs are caught, they're already lined up in a
row. Then, with a running start, the elves leap over one after
another. The frogs don't have to do much but wait patiently.
When the game is over, the elves let them go until next time.
FORMATION FLYING:
This game was devised by Limlim as he was training the first
reindeer. It works only when the reindeer are in a mood to play.
Each elf trains a group of deer for the great competition. Then,
on the assigned day, the reindeer put on a dazzling display of
formation flying. The prize to the winning elf: No more cleaning
out stables for the rest of the year!
MUSH FACE:
This game is a game that has caught on among some children in
England and South America. The rules are simple. While the elves
are eating, suddenly someone yells "Mush Face!" It's amazing to
watch the mad scramble that follows. The elves grab their food--
and everyone else's--and do all they can to get it all over the
other fellow's face. The elf who ends up with the cleanest face
is the winner. As far as Mrs. Santa is concerned, this is her
least favorite elvish game.
BIG BALL:
No one is sure who invented this game--but once the idea gets out,
it will surely spread from Pole to Pole. In Big Ball, the first
elf (usually selected by drawing sticks--the one with the short
stick gets to go first) climbs into the ball. Then the other
elves seal it up. Don't worry--there's plenty of air in the ball!
Once the elf is comfortable in the ball, his companions start to
roll it around. They roll and roll, over snowbanks, across the
garden, down ice hills. When the elf inside finally starts to
moan, they stop and pull him out. The elf who can roll around
the longest without moaning is the winner.
HIDE AND SEEK:
Elves play hide and seek the way everyone else does--except that
they can hide anywhere! Raful, for instance, was once found in
Cincinnati under a garbage can--fourteen weeks after the game
started! And Fringle once hid so well that he had to go into
hibernation in Mexico. The other players found him that following
June.
HOPSCOTCH:
The elves introduced this game to the North Pole, but now it's been
adopted by Santa and Mrs. Santa. Santa first played the game in
the late 1700s--and beat even the best elves. Then Mrs. Santa
played him -- and won! Pretty soon it had turned into a real
contest, to see who could win the most times at hopscotch. For
quite a while Santa had a real winning streak. He and Mrs. Santa
would play every day (except for Christmas season) and Santa won
1329 times in a row. But then Mrs. Santa changed her strategy.
Now she has a slight edge on Santa. The overall score is: Mrs.
Santa - 31,222 Santa -- 30,961. The elves dropped out of the
contest quite early, since they couldn't keep up--even though
they invented the game!A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"'Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care
In hopes that Jesus would not come there.
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.
When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray
I knew in a moment this must be The Day!
The light of His face made me cover my head
It was Jesus! returning just like He had said.
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.
In the Book of Life which He held in His hand
Was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
When He said "It's not here" my head hung in shame.
The people whose names had been written with love
He gathered to take to His Father above.
With those who were ready He rose without a sound
While all the rest were left standing around.
I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
I had waited too long and this sealed my fate.
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There's only one life and when comes the last call
We'll find that the Bible was true after all!
-- Author UnknownIf I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.
I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.
No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.
You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.
I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.
I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse.
The modem was plugged to the phone line with care
In hopes that a download soon would be there.
Our pirates were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of unprotects danced in their heads.
And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the monitor I flew like a flash,
Sat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.
The sight on the screen, all a'flicker with snow,
Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.
With a little print driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment I had seen a new trick.
More rapid than eagles the cursors they came;
My MIDI whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Format, now Rename, now Copy, and Enter!
On Num Lock, on Caps Lock, on Scroll Lock, and Printer!
"To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,
Now tab it and bold it and merge it and block!"
As utilities that build up the CPU speed
Clash with just the programs I need,
So up to the screen top the cursors they flew,
With a RAM full of memory and an expansion board too.
And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,
The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.
As I tried to reboot and turn it around,
The attributes changed from blue into brown.
I hit the control, the alt, and delete.
The screen message it gave me, I cannot repeat.
It asked me to Ignore, Retry, or Abort.
It told me the parallel had become the comm port.
Its lights how they twinkled; its pixels how merry,
Its prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full of cherries.
It sounded just like it wanted to blow;
The screen was suddenly white as the snow.
It scrolled its directory before my eyes
With programs I didn't even recognize.
It wouldn't see D:, it wouldn't see E:;
I couldn't get out of B: into C:.
Norton's tried to read it, finally finding the FAT;
But alas! The disk was faulty, and couldn't reformat.
Away flew the Excel; away flew the Access;
Away flew all of Office; right out with the Windows.
The spreadsheets were spreading; the footers were headings;
What once had been memory was close to forgetting.
When the grinding was over and the smoke had all cleared,
I looked at the hard drive; it was just as I feared.
The 16 gig wonder had crashed in the night;
I'll never be able to block out that sight!
So tell everyone you know to avoid my plight;
Back up your files! Merry Christmas! Good Night!Driver's swear ..... are you listenin',
At the Mall .....folks are gripein',
A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite,
Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
Gone away ...... are your tires,
meter has ...... just expired,
They towed you away, while you shopped today,
Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!
On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
We'll be stuck and threatened on the side,
If we're lucky, someone might come mug us,
And if we plead they may give us a ride!
Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded,
All the Elves ...... were surrounded,
He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell,
Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa
had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's
enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel" he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay here a while."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and p*ssed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things I shouldn't even mention.
A f**k ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will sh*t,
So I'll leav'em here, and then I'll haveta split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain
improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of
stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A
variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and
around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/
St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located
in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e.
dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to,
candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said
dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of
the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a
sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The
party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to
investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first
part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature
sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly
through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the
approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-
conspirators by name Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and
Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further
asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been
involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin
or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or
implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the
chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue
from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the
aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances
and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor
children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.
(Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the
applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task,
Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the
chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served
as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,
the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim "Merry Christmas
to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.With the Holiday Season upon us it is important to understand how much our
parties are appreciated. Please use the listing below as reference.
Gauging the level of your Christmas Party
Festivity Level 1
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree
ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and
nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2
Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to
nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be
Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors
d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get
no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas
tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what
happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing
a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your
home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to
get to level 3 is egg-nog.No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along
with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid1689
Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and
establishes a small base camp.
1691
Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew
abandons him.
1692
Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe,
bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds
he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703
Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and
returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp,
half-buried but still intact.
1704
Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts,
and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to
increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar
base.
1705
Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him
and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716
After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with
polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich.
Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting
a toy company in his native Germany.
1720
Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only
because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also
rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well).
Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.
1721
Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the
Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.
1722
The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of
treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn
against him and his company.
1723
Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds
with all of the company's funds.
1724
A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds,
however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian
wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa,
but it is generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the
searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his
North Pole base).
1725
Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734
The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the
arts of toymaking and business dealings.
1735
Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to
construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost
half of the company funds.
1739
The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world.
Claus II reaches his 15th birthday, and in the same year, Claus'
wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the
castle's great halls.
1740
Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745
Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle
and of his sick father.
1747
Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city
around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748
Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of
Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving
for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753
All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly
established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy
company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed.
Claus I dies, at age 89.
1755
The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his
wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and
the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.On the night before Christmas, alone in my house,
My computer went down with the click of the mouse
I sat and I waited and sighed with dispair,
I wiggled and pouted, alone in my chair
The AO-Hell people were all snug in their beds,
While Christmas bonus pay checks danced in their heads.
Then out on the roof I heard such a clatter,
I arose from my chair to see what was the matter.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear.
But Santa himself and an Elf standing near
The Elf's Aol knowledge glowed, with experience so rare,
He rebooted my system with finesse and a flair.
More rapid than eagles my programs they came,
As he cursed and he muttered and called them by name.
On Start Up ! On quicken! On explorer and delete!
On chatting! On Yahoo! On e-mail and complete!
His eyes were glassed over, his fingers nibble and lean,
From weekends and nights in front of HIS screen.
A wink of his eye and a shake of his head
Just to let me know I had nothing to dread.
Just at that moment he hit the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The Elf support was finished the tests were concluded.
All of my screen names were even included.
At the end of his visit I e-mailed with glee,
I sat and I smiled at my screen saver tree.
When just at that moment I thought I heard a bell,
And was reminded to write a complaint to AO-HELL.I received a greeting card from the old perfesser (T.O.P.) a
couple of days AFTER Christmas, with an added note full of his
usual holiday cheer:
Dear PBen, MrsPBen, and all the Little PBen's,
I'm writing from my daughters' casa, where we came to spend the
holidays. I'm still not sure why MrsPerfesser made me leave our
warm, comfortable trailer this time of year, but here we are.
This hasn't been my best Christmas, I can tell you that... silly
daughter and That Danged Thing She Calls A Husband bought me a 12
month gift membership to Weight Watchers! The nerve... if they
weren't holding my Grandbaby hostage, I think I'd change my will
and leave the Trailer to somebody more deserving, like the parking
lot sweeper over at Valdoster U.
Well, I got them back, at least a little. I got that sumbitchin'
son-in-law his OWN membership, in the Fruitcake Of The Month Club!
HAH! He'll never call me THAT again! And my daughter? Hehehee,
you shoulda seen the look on her face when she opened the "Monica
Gift Set", complete with cigar, beret, and stain remover!
But, just to show them I can be bigger than they are, I got 'em
something nice too - a ten dollar gift certificate to McDonalds.
At least I know they'll have SOMETHING edible after we leave this
place!
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with MrsPerfesser... after I went
out and spent all that money [1] on her for a ride-on vacuum
cleaner, 'stead of the usual Eau de Pew she asks me to pick up
for her, what does she give me? A book! One stoopid book! And
WHAT stoopid book, you ask? "A Guide To Marital Happiness"!!
Sheesh, like she really thinks she's gonna change me NOW?!?
Well, as you can see, you MUSTA had a better Christmas than I did,
even if it is cold and snowy up in your neck o' the woods! I'm
sure your fambly takes much better care of you than mine does.
Fleece Navidad!
(heh, I love the "101 Sheep Jokes" book you sent!)
The Old PerfesserIt was the day after Christmas. The pastor of a church was looking
over their Nativity scene when he noticed the baby Jesus was
missing from among the figures.
Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with
a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant,
Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him,
my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to
the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red
wagon for Christmas, I would give him the first ride in it."CHORUS
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.
She'd been listening to the radio
and she nearly lost her breath
yellin' cuss words at the DJ
for playin' that song where she gets hooved to death.
So she set out on the warpath
there was evil in her eye
she said "I'm gonna find that reindeer
and by golly, one of us is gonna die!"
CHORUS
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.
Santa Claus had made a landing
on the new expressway
Grandma was doin' 120
with her headlights pointed straight at Santa's sleigh.
'Twas an awful sound of impact
Grandma really nailed him good
There were hoofprints on her windshield
and a pair of ripped-off antlers on her hood
CHORUS
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.
Guess we'll all be missing Rudolph
in the winter when it snows
but now he's up in reindeer heaven
with a Buick logo stamped into his nose.
But there's no regret from Grandma
as she drove away, she sneered,
and then she hollered out the window
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a FLAT DEER!"
CHORUS
Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma
just as he arrived on Christmas Day
She had gotten sick and tired of hearin'
that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys,
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys.
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death,
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath.
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo,
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo.
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!"
The night Santa when crazy,
The night St. Nick went insane!
Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.
Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it.
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet.
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage,
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage.
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger,
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger.
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen.
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy,
The night Kris Kringle went nuts.
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts.
There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin'
'round in the sky.
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's
dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my,
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time,
In a federal prison for his infamous crime.
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears,
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years.
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous,
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service.
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night,
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talking' bout - the night Santa went crazy.
The night St. Nicholas flipped.
Broke his back for some milk and cookies,
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting' gypped.
Wo, the night Santa went crazy.
The night St. Nick went insane,
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain!
Tell ya, something must have snapped... in his brain!Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
A: Mule-tide greetings.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
8 Alka- Seltzer
7 noodle kugels
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheeseHave you heard? Santa and his reindeer landed on the top of an outhouse. As they skidded to a halt you could hear Santa holler out, "I SAID THE SCHMIDT HOUSE!"
Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do Kirk Douglas, James Caan and the late Dina Shore-ah1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close
door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer
since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present
came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach,
and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky
tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as
possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing
last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right
size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and
re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area
of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down
tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate
with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on
making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to
lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door
is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they
try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn
thing for you.I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my
two children on demand, visited their doctor's office more than my
doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant
a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to
attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with
staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who
knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't
ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but
are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost
mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment
behind the crisper where I can hide when I want to talk on the
phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that
says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat
in the living room", "Take your shoes off the couch," and 'Take
your hands off your brother/sister," because my voice seems to be
just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by
the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet
making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same
morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature
without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to
declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience
immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to
help around the house without demanding payment as if they were
the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't
look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in
his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my
feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the
chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch
cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too
many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always,
Mom
PS One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep
my children young enough to believe in you.Q: What did the floor say to the Christmas tree?
A: Wow! You've got a lot of balls!Dear Darling Son (and That Person You Married),
Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.
Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
Submitted by zanny.
The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills.
Pogonophobia: the fear of beards.
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one
Kriss Kringle.
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on
earth: 333,333 tons.
Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 --
plus Rudolph.
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits
per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed,
Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because
it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As
soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look!
The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?
Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people star asking
to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want." So he
decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete
with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now, I look
just like everyone else!" he thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to
point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!"
Santa rushed around a corner to hide.
"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long
white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard
shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.
So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"
Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize
him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you
recognize me?"
The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but
isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you
Rudolph?"It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.
It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.
They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.
The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.
It's Christmastime at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.
I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.
Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.
Now they're in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys
My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair
I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
poses.
8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman
urns.
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's
decorations.Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.With deepest love and devotion,Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.All my love,Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16Dearest John:Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.Love,Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?Affectionately,AgnesMiss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.Love,AgnesMiss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19Dear John:When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.Cordially,Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20John:What's with you and those f**king birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a godd*mn joke is this? There's bird sh*t all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those f**king birds!Sincerely,AgnesMiss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their godd*mn cows! There's sh*t all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.Just lay off me, smartass!Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!You'll get yours!Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.I'm siccing the police on you.One who means it!!
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.Your sworn enemy,AgnesLaw Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.Cordially,Badger, Bender & CajoleMeowy Christmas from your loving cat.
Aren't I cute? Now leave me the hell alone.
--Ann Bartow
We, your cats, at Christmas say,
Thanks for caring for us each day.
We love this season, all green and red,
And by the way, the hamster's dead.
--Peter Bauer
As man's best friend, when you're in bed,
I just sit and watch.
For Christmas, so I can hump your leg,
I've put mistletoe on your crotch.
--Patrick Major
I've always loved the Christmas Feast.
I've heard this year it's ham.
Too bad I've other plans this time.
Love, Your Pot-bellied Pig named Sam.
--Ed Smith
FROM YOUR PARROT
Jingle bells! Jingle bells!
Jingle bells! Jingle bells!
Jingle bells! Jingle bells!
Jingle bells! Jingle bells!
Jingle bells! Jingle bells!
Jingle bells! Jingle bells!
Jingle bells! Jingle bells...
--Kevin Wickart
Wrapping paper! Ribbon! Bows! Tree! Tree! Tree! Tree! Shiny!
Shiny! Christmas balls! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! {CRASH!!}
--Peg Warner
I'd like to bark a merry tune,
I'd like to deck the halls.
I'd like to bring the world some joy,
But first, I'll lick my balls.
--Larry Hollister
You feed, pet and house me.
And I love you for that.
But stop calling me your "kid."
I'm just a friggin' cat.
--Brian Jones
I want to say I love you,
Before anything could spoil it.
So don't look in the living room
That new carpet? I just soiled it.
--John Gephart
I'm always happy to see you,
I try to bring you joy.
But I'll kill you in your sleep
if I get one more Disney chew toy!
--Ann Rosenfeld
As watchman-cat, I've done my job,
The house is safe once more.
That shiny stuff that stormed the tree
Is dead now on the floor.
--Larry Hollister
Don't want no Christmas present,
Don't want no Easter egg.
All I want, O master,
Is five minutes with your leg.
---Jeff Scherer
As your feline companion,
I'm happy, yes I am.
But as for getting you a gift,
Frankly, I don't give a d*mn.
--Kris Johnson
Merry Christmas from Rover,
I hope it's top-notch.
If it's not too much trouble,
may I please sniff your crotch?
--Michael Sheinbaum
Santa brought you presents,
While you slept in your beds.
All I, your cat, can offer
Is a field mouse, ripped to shreds.
--Jeff Scherer
This Christmas Eve if you hear a noise,
it's me -- your little Yuletide elf.
In your shoe, you'll find a steaming gift,
I made it by myself!
--Tim McKemy, Kevin Wickart
I think that I shall never see
a thing as lovely as a Christmas tree.
You decorated it so nice,
I'm sorry I peed on it -- twice.
--Peter BauerAt a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow
of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only
with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I
like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and
he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I
think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"
Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following
Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this
constant bickering!"How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate.""I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the heck out of you!' "
Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these f**kin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."Two small communities have banned Santa Claus because of his awful past
indiscretions. One year the reindeer peed on a transformer, knocking our
electricity in one city.
The following year Santa drank too much spiked eggnog and took a dump on the
roof of City Hall, mooning twelve nurses in the adjacent hospital. In the other
community, Santa passed out in his sleigh and his elves put XXX videos in
kids' Christmas stockings. So they've put guards on high buildings and denied
Santa permission to use their airspace. Kids will have to get toys from their
parents.
A local newspaper wrote up the story in their Music section,with the headline:
"Santa Claus is Scum in Two Towns".Try to guess the real names of these Christmas songs:
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
21. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide
season
22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster
23. May the deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans
24. Natal celebration devoid of color, rather albino, as a
hallucinatory phenomenom for me
25. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of
minute crystals
26. Tranquility upon the terrestrial sphere
27. Have hitherward the entire assembly of those who are loyal in
their belief of Christmas
Answers
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas
21. We Wish You A Merry Christmas
22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
23. God Rest You Merry Gentlemen
24. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas
25. Frosty the Snowman
26. Peace on Earth
27. Oh Come, All Ye FaithfulAs you may know, there are a lot of Californians moving to Idaho these days.
Unlike Idaho with its four seasons, California only has two: hot and hot as hell.
The following excerpts are from letters from someone who recently moved to McCall, Idaho.
November 1, 1992 Dear Jim and Mary: It started to snow this evening about 5:00 p.m. -- our first of the season. The wife and I took
our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down. They say that no two snowflakes are the same! It was beautiful. We woke to a big wonderful blanket of crystal white snow covering our yard and as far as the
eye could see. I shoveled snow for the first time in over 30 years -- and loved it! Did both the driveway and sidewalk. Of course two minutes after I finished, the snowplow came by and
covered it all up again with the compacted snow from the street. Oh well, ha ha, I took it in
stride and shoveled it all again. Your friend, Tom November 10, 1992 Dear Jim and Mary: Got another 8 inches of snow last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero.
Shoveled the driveway so I could get the car out but before I could open the garage door, the
snowplow did his thing again. Worked out for the best because the car wouldn't start anyway.
Fixed myself a drink and laughed it off. Regards, Tom Noverber 27, 1992
Dear Jim and Mary: Sold the car and bought a 4 wheel drive truck. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway getting
into it. All that was hurt was my feelings. Still cold (below zero every morning) and the icy roads
make for tough driving. I did however make it to the liquor store and bought enough booze to last
the winter. That *ssh*le in the snowplow came by while I was gone and covered the driveway
again. Tom December 5, 1992 Dear Jim and Mary: Happy "f**king" Holiday from Idaho. We're assured a white Christmas this year because
6 more inches of the "white stuff" fell today. Forget that crap about snow flakes all looking
different, you've seen one, you've seen them all!! Anyway, I took a couple of stiff belts out
of the whiskey bottle and suited up to shovel the driveway. You should see it, boots, jump suit,
heavy jacket, scarf, ear muffs, gloves, etc. Got in one shovel full and had to p*ss like a Russian
race horse. Figured I'd risk blowing a kidney and finish the job. When I did, I ran for the house
and just made it to the toilet. While I was standing relieving myself, I heard a now familiar sound.
Yes, that cocksucker in the snowplow did it again. The only reason I needed to get out was that
the liquor cabinet was empty, again! I think the wife has been sipping behind my back!! Selfish
bitch! T. December 30, 1992 Dear Jim and Mary: If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that snowplow, I'll drag his bare ass through the
white sh*t from here to the city limits. The temperature stays at zero or below all day. If this
keeps up I'll be f**king with this white sh*t 'til August. Got to get to the liquor store before it
closes. I caught the wife dead off her ass drunk on the bathroom floor yesterday. At least
now I know where the booze is going. Me January 5, 8, or 10, 1993 Dear Tim and Cary: 7 more inches. If it wasn't for going to the liquor store, I'd never get out. Must be cabin fever
or I'm going snowblind from that white sh*t all over my yard, but even that drunken slut I married
is starting to look good. Doesn't matter, it's so cold I have to tie a string and tag on my d*ck just
to find it ever morning. You Know Who Febiary, whatever, whenever............... Deer jimmers, jimmers, J & M: Toilet froze. IF you go outside, don't eat the brown snow ha ha! Neighbor came by and told me
I better get some of that sh*t off my roof or it might cave in. Fuck it and the snowplow. Liquor
store has started making deliveries to the front door. I ain't going out till this sh*t melts all the
way a way. me March 29, 1993
Boise Mental Hospital Dear Jim and Mary: Thank you for taking in my darling wife. My lawyer says I should be out in a year or two. All
this could have been avoided if the snowplow driver hadn't come by asking for a donation for
some charity. His doctor testified at my trial that there was no permanent damage to his rectum
from my assault with the snow shovel handle. It was wrong, I know that now. The arson charge
too, could have been avoided, but when that neighbor told me about the snow on my roof, well I
figured the fire would melt that white......... I really feel bad about the guy who owns the liquor store. Ever since we left the neighborhood,
the bank foreclosed on his new house and the Cadillac dealer repossessed his new car. Even the
kid who used to deliver for him quit, claimed he wasn't making that $1,500 a week like when we
lived there. Hope to see you soon! Your Friend,
TomOn the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tarter Pounce treats, Ten ornaments hanging, Nine wads of Kleenex, Eight peacock feathers, Seven stolen Q-tips, Six feathered balls, Five MILK JUG RINGS! Four munchy house plants, Three running faucets, Two fuzzy mousies, And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh!
Never have a white Christmas,
When you in Melbourne live,
Wearing hot pants on the beach,
When you your presents give!
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh!
Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk,
Castles in the sand,
Eating ice-cream, having good talks,
Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?Good King Wenceslas rings up a local pizza restaurant to order a
pizza.
"Certainly your majesty" says the manager "will it be your usual?
Deep pan, crisp and even?"Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
A: Santa Klutz!Dear ya'll
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union
contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only
eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my
replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba
Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls,
but there are a few differences between us, such as:
* There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has
a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
* Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does
dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.
* Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I lent him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over
Bubba's fireplace.
* You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Boudreaux. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
* "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"
* As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a bumper
sticker for non-traditional vehicles "If you are close enough to read this...
you ain't gettin' no presents!"
* The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"Ernest Saves Christmas" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see
some really classes movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many
feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says
"You scumbum!" a lot, and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
* Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. I'd turn the other way when he bends over
to put presents under the tree. "Plumber's cleavage" is NOT a pretty sight.
* Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes
Santa Claus" and Madonna's remake of "Santa Baby." Until this year, songs
about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi.
They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"
David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me," and Hank Williams
Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."
Sincerely Yours,
SantaTo be sung to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"
Barney got run over by a tractor
Best of all it happened on TV
All the little children are unhappy
I am just beside myself with glee
He was singing to the kiddies
"You Wuv Me and I Wuv You"
Now he is just a piece of roadkill
Some furry purple bits of dino-goo.
Chorus
I don't think the children like me
But though I killed him, it's not wrong
We're saved from evil propaganda
That purple, nazi mind-controller's gone
Chorus
My trial date is set for Tuesday
I won't get off (so I've been told)
10 million kiddies saw me do it
And the judge and jury all are six years old......The following are clues to the names of well-known Christmas carols. Can you guess the names of the Christmas songs from the cryptic clues provided below?
1. APPROACH EVERYONE WHO IS STEADFAST.
2. ECSTASY TOWARD THE ORB.
3. LISTEN, THE FORETELLING SPIRITS HARMONIZE.
4. HEY, MINUSCULE URBAN AREA SOUTH OF JERUSALEM.
5. QUIESCENT NOCTURNAL PERIOD.
6. THE AUTOCRATIC TROIKA ORIGINATING NEAR THE ASCENT OF APOLLO.
7. THE PRIMARY CAROL.
8. EMBELLISH THE CORRIDORS.
9. I'M FANTASIZING CONCERNING A BLANCHED YULETIDE.
10. I OBSERVED MY MATERNAL PARENT OSCULATING WITH A CORPULENT UNSHAVEN MALE IN CRIMSON DISGUISE.
11. DURING THE TIME OVINE CARETAKERS SUPERVISED THEIR CHARGES.
12. VIRTUOUS ROYAL PHILANTHROPIST.
13. THE THING MANIFESTED ITSELF AT THE ONSET OF A TRANSPARENT DAY.
14. WHAT OFFSPRING ABIDES THUS?
15. REMOVED IN A BOVINE FEEDING TROUGH.
16. VALENTINO, THE ROSEATE PROBOSCIS WAPITI.
17. THE SLIGHT PERCUSSIONIST LAD.
18. FATHER CHRISTMAS APPROACHES THE METROPOLIS.
19. SERAPHIM WE AURALLY DETECTED IN THE STRATOSPHERE.
20. THE CREATOR REASSURES YOU, LIVELY FELLOWS.
1 - O Come All Ye Faithful 2 - Joy to the World 3 - Hark, the Herald Angels Sing 4 - Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem 5 - Silent Night 6 - We Three Kings of Orient Are 7 - The First Noel 8 - Deck the Halls 9 - White Christmas 10 - I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus 11 - While Shepards Watched their Flocks by Night 12 - Good King Wenceslaus 13 - It came upon a Mightnight Clear 14 - What Child is this? 15 - Away in a Manger 16 - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer 17 - Little Drummer Boy 18 - Santa Claus is coming to town 19 - Angels we have heard on high 20 - God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The punch and the candy, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d not said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!Submitted by zanny.
Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise
Women instead of three Wise Men ?
Women would say:
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
practical gifts.
Here's Men's rebuttal.....
Yeah, and do you know what they said would have said when they
left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the
house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
dish back?"Test to see if you are a Grinch:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tarter Pounce treats, Ten ornaments hanging, Nine wads of Kleenex, Eight peacock feathers, Seven stolen Q-tips, Six feathered balls, Five MILK JUG RINGS! Four munchy house plants, Three running faucets, Two fuzzy mousies, And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!
Schizophrenia --
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia --
I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --
Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and trees and
Fire Hydrants and.....
Paranoid --
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll
Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --
Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world
to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.
If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for:
1. All the Children of the world to sing together
2. $1,000,000 tax free
If I had 3 wishes this Christmas:
1. Kids singing together
2. $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
3. To have all encompassing power over the universe
If I had 4 wishes this Christmas:
1. The crap about the kids
2. $1,000,000
3. All encompassing power
4. 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 supermodels and, of
course, my wife
Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible.
So, let's rearrange
1. All encompassing power
2. The orgasm
3. The money
OH! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in.
Now, my wish this Christmas would be:
1. The power
2. To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3. The orgasm
4. The Money
5. And with my fifth wish this holiday season I would like for all the children
of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. It looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its sell-by date.
8. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily.
Beloved Edward, Dec 26
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always, Emily.
My darling Edward, Dec 27
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily.
Dearest Edward, Dec 28
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily.
Dearest Edward, Dec 29
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you, Emily.
Dear Edward, Dec 30
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily.
Edward, Dec 31
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop! Your Emily.
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily.
Look here, Edward, Jan 2
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily.
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily.
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep Attorney at law.As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to
be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so
no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one
it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff
honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed.
"Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when
he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF
HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and
some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until
the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps
forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have
written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance
to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only
thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"Pay Rate: $20.00/Hr plus shift differential
Filing deadline: 12/23/95
Selected candidate must be available for international travel,
holiday and night work be physically able to lift heavy packages
over shoulder and possess a sleigh to perform work assignment.
Duties:
Make list and check it twice. Identify and deliver packages to
proper recipients by way of reindeer-powered airborne sleigh.
Supervise 100 unruly elves in the production of requested items.
Disperse and maintain holiday spirit when faces with turbulent
weather and physical demands of riding reindeer sleigh over 10,000
miles to accomodate 4 billion people in 16 hours.
Requirements:
Skill to determine who's naughty and nice, sleeping and waking
bad or good, for goodness sake! Skill to establish cooperative
working relationships with elves and gnomes knowledge of proper
diet and training required for flying reindeer ability to consume
approximatly 1 billion cups of lukewarm coca/milk and similar
amounts of stale, leftover cookies. Skill in deciphering
correspondence written in crayon. Ability to quickly maneuver down
chimneys or other available means while "ho, ho, hoing" and
simultaneously shaking belly.
Desirable:
Heavy, white facial growth and rosy red cheeks.I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!BETHLEHEM -- It was rumored today that an unmarried couple from
Nazareth stopped in a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious
local slumlord, and a baby was born.
"There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw,"
commented local public health authorities. "We even found a
donkey inside!"
"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances,"
offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney.
"She claims to have been a virgin."
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are
investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There
are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the
son of God," explained Pilate, "and that he will have some radical
ideas about religion in the future."
Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of
Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband.
"We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained
an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers."
The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.
At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was
sighted over Bethlehem. "This is an omen that things are about to
radically change in the Empire due to Global Warming," commented
Al Gore.TO: Public Release
RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the
Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising
sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule
they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to
kiss anyone!
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy. One day
Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella
sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
"Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!"
Harry the Hare was shocked. "Father Christmas doesn't allow that!"
he gasped. "Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight
away into Goon!"
But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and
whispered, "Don't worry, we won't get caught!"
Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked
carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no one was
looking ... and kissed Floella the fairy!
Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of
wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the
Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas! And Father
Christmas was furious! "Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty
of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?"
"I never meant to!" Harry snivelled. "If you let me off I promise
I'll never do it again just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't turn
me into a Goon!"
Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said,
"I'll give you one more chance, but just one more!"
Again there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH of wind.
Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest.
And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.
"Hiya, handsome," she whispered. "Give us a kiss!"
Harry was horrified! "Certainly not!" he cried.
But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he
started to tremble. "Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon!"
"For one little kiss from me it's worth it!" Floella murmured.
And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.
Once more there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of
wind. And once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the
now furious Father Christmas!
"You foolish hare!" Father Christmas roared. "You have had your
chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon immediately!"
"Please Father Christmas," implored Harry. "Can't my penalty at
least wait until tomorrow? After all, it's Christmas day."
"Very well," answered Father Christmas, "Take him away, but don't
turn him into a Goon until tomorrow!"
Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he
reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and
forest creatures and said tearfully, "Ah, well, that's life! Hare
today ... and Goon tomorrow!"Q: Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
A: Santa Clues.Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of
the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
Psychiatrists claim the other two danger zones are teaching your
mate to drive and wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these
things. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things
Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
-- "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy.
You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow,
red, red, green, blue..."
-- "Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
-- "What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them
away every year? Tie them in knot?"
-- "Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry
that sucker."
-- "If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't
just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than
your father."
-- "Give me that!"
-- "You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The
electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not
up at the top."
-- "I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"
-- "You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed
it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
-- "Have you been drinking?"
-- "Where's the cat?"For Christmas this year my wife purchased a week of private
lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape
from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I
decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and
made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My
wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get
started.
The club suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but
worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door,
but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this
heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it for
heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?
Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I
can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a
full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to
lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. If there
was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her
with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand
me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a
music teacher, or social studies professor?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine
wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.
Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more
fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.* I know when you`ve been bad or good, so let's skip the small talk, sister!
* Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
* Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
* Some of my best toys run on batteries...
* I see you when you're sleeping - and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
* Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
* Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
* That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you!My Christmas Emails
I have a list of folks I know
all written my computer data base.
And every year at Christmas time,
I go and take a look at my data base.
And that is when I realize
that these names are a part....
Not in the data base they are written in
but of my very heart.
For I am but a total
of the many folks I've met,
And you happen to be one of those
I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you
for many years or a few hours
In some way you have had a part
of shaping things I do.
So never think my Christmas Emails
are just a mere routine
of names put on a computer list
and forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas Email
that is addressed to you...
It is because you're on that list of folks
My Christmas Emails
I have a list of folks I know
all written my computer data base.
And every year at Christmas time,
I go and take a look at my data base.
And that is when I realize
that these names are a part....
Not in the data base they are written in
but of my very heart.
For I am but a total
of the many folks I've met,
And you happen to be one of those
I prefer not to forget.
And whether I have known you
for many years or a few hours
In some way you have had a part
of shaping things I do.
So never think my Christmas Emails
are just a mere routine
of names put on a computer list
and forgotten in between.
For when I send a Christmas Email
that is addressed to you...
It is because you're on that list of folks
that I'm indebted to.that I'm indebted to.The tree's all decorated, the lights are aglow,
the ground is covered, by the new fallen snow.
Families are gathered, all together again,
reliving memories, of way back when.
Children and grandchildren, running all about,
while thru the house, their laughter rings out.
Friends and neighbors, they all stop by,
some to stay awhile, others to just say hi.
Under the mistletoe, a couple kiss in the hall,
it's the time of the year, when love's shared by all.
Old hurts are finally, layed down to rest,
and to get along, everyone tries their best.
The cookies and eggnog, are just about gone,
one small child, tries to hide a sleepy yawn.
As bedtime approaches, and draws near,
the children crawl in bed, with not one tear.
Even the dog and cat, seem to get along,
while everyone gathers, to sing one last song.
Joyous glee, and wonderous delight,
just an old fashioned, Christmas Eve night.A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”
Submitted by zanny.
Q: What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....
Please read the following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.
Differences such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has
a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys insured by
Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola
and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have
an empty spit can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite
Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off"
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One
is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a
Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife,
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The
Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in
the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the
Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)BANDERSNATCH CHRISTMAS SHOPPING LIST
This year The Frumious Bandersnatch highlights some of the more
arcane or utterly worthless things you can give as a Christmas
gift.
PHOTO PANTIES
Have your picture silk screened onto your girlfriend's panties
for only $19.95. You can imagine all the creative purposes this
can be put to.
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK II
The new edition of this game is designed for know-it-alls and
includes questions about subjects such as the difference between
Visigoths and Ostergoths that are sure to stump them.
FREE BAJA ARIZONA BUMPER STICKERS
We still have a supply of our non-waterproof bumper stickers that
melt away at the first drop of rain. Good for use only in
extremely arid regions.
WAX BULLETS
Perfect for shooting insects inside your house, our wax bullets
come in 22 and 38 caliber sizes.
LIVE TUMBLEWEEDS
Decorate your house in Southwestern style with our live tumble-
weeds. Only $44.00.
MARS LANDERS
NASA is offering its surplus Mars Landers for only $37 million
each. Guaranteed to vanish into interstellar space if launched.
VARIOUS ICBMs.
The Russian Strategic Rocket Forces is offering up to 32,000
intercontinental ballistic missiles for sale at bargain basement
prices if purchased before December 31st. None are Y2K1
compliant. (them Russky's... always a year late!)
STUFFED PYGMY OWLS
The Tucson Homebuilders Association has stuffed pygmy owls for
sale. The endangered owls, which have shut down the home-
building industry in that city, are great for use in stopping
growth in your community. Complete with taped mating calls.
RAIN SOUNDS
Great for drought-ridden areas, our CD is rain falling on the
roof will allow you to pretend your local water supply will not
vanish.
MONICA MASKS
We still have a supply of Monica Lewinsky masks left over from
Halloween. Great for scaring your boss.
GDU DIPLOMAS
Our offer of free General Delivery University college diplomas is
about to expire one of these years.A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he
buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the closet.
Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial
limb.
"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?"
she asks.
"No, of course not." responds her husband. "It's just a stocking
stuffer."I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”
Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”
He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”
Submitted by fancy.
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have
had in the past.
9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women
1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.Every year in December, comes a time that strikes fear into the heart of every
husband and father. That is the Christmas shopping. Men are by nature
conquerors, and the shopping experience of many is the same as visiting an art
gallery, museum, or sight-seeing. There is nothing to do, no sense of
accomplishment, and no trophies. The stress we must endure is as high as when I
first proposed marriage to my wife, only I get to live through it again every
year.
Through deep analysis, I have decided that the problem is one of attitude; how
you approach the situation. Instead of "Christmas shopping", I call it
"Christmas hunting". Instead of gathering presents, I "hunt and kill" them.
Here is how it works:
The Prey
In order to hunt something, you must have a prey, something to hunt. With a
normal hunting expedition, this would be deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, etc.
Even when you go fishing, there is something to catch, kill, dress, and eat.
At Christmas time, the prey is the GIFT. The nature of the GIFT is what
determines the hunt. If, for example, you decided to go Buffalo hunting, you
would make all the necessary preparations - special permits, gun, travel plans,
etc. Bagging a GIFT is the same.
The GIFT must be something personal that only she can use. Although she may
need a new kitchen appliance such as a blender, for every kitchen appliance
bought, you must spend at least double to ten times that amount additional for
her personal GIFT. Just as a fish is different from a duck, GIFTS come in
various forms, from jewelry to clothing to knickknacks. Impracticality is the
rule here.
In order to understand the nature of the prey, you must do some homework. This
may involve actually looking or listening to your wife. See what earrings (who
knows where they came from?) she is wearing. She will often give you hints that
you are supposed to hear and understand. It may come in the form of "I wish",
or "it would be nice if . . .", such as "I wish I had a watch to match my
shoes", or it may be that page from the department store catalog that she
wrapped your sandwich in. Look for the item circled in red.
Pay attention during some of those ordeals you are made to endure with her when
you hold her purse as she moves clothing on a display rack in a department
store. See what catches her eye. Another source is the television shopping
channel. Stop for a few more seconds and take note of what they are peddaling.
This part of the process can be related to when you learn about the best
fishing lakes, hunting forests, etc.
The Weapon
The biggest problem with the Christmas Hunt is the weapon. In order to "kill"
your prey, the GIFT, you must use a paper or plastic weapon. A check book or
credit card just don't look as ominous as a 12-gauge shotgun. There is nothing
to wield. When you go fishing there is the pole, hunting has its gun, and even
when you are golfing, you have a club to carry. Merchants frown on customers
bringing and carrying firearms around in their stores. I have yet to find a
suitable substitute. If the problem is acute, finding and carrying around a
pole-like device (spear) may do. This may be in the form of a shower rod, mop
handle, or umbrella. A coffee cup or beer mug may also suffice if you don't
mind carrying one around a store, as this is similar to the scabbard on a
sword.
Some stores have large plastic candy canes filled with candy or bath oil beads
that could substitute for the weapon. This may help you during your hunt for
the GIFT. You don't have to purchase, just borrow it for a while until the real
game has been tracked and bagged. There has yet to be invented a weapon-
shaped object that would appeal to women.
The License
If you can walk in the store, you have a license to hunt there. Your driver's
license, or whatever identification you use to get beer and tobacco products
can be used for the Christmas hunt. This will be displayed to the game warden
(store clerk) when the weapon (credit card or personal check) is used to get
the GIFT. The prey may then be dressed (gift wrapped) or put in a bag for
protection. The receipt compares to the deer or duck stamp. Unless you have a
lot of experience wrapping things, this is best left to the professionals in
order to be more attractive when it is presented to your wife. Your limit is
determined by the balance left in your account.
The Site
Just as you would not hunt deer in the middle of a lake, where you go depends
on the prey you are hunting. Hunters and gatherers have always shared space.
The same field used for getting plants has been the roaming place for pheasants
In the forest where berries are found, the deer and elk roam. In order to get
the GIFT, you must go alone into the dark, scary forest called "The Mall".
If this is too drastic, a "Department Store" may help ease you into the
experience.
At each entrance of a Mall, there is a totem called a "kiosk". This will help
narrow down the hunt. The various stores are listed by item sold, so you can
proceed directly to the quarry, avoiding the quick-sand and cliffs. Each store
in a mall is divided as are department stores into specialized areas. Just as
some fish like deep water, and others prefer shallow, the items sold there are
separated as to type and size. There is usually an extra area designated for
jewelry or electronic devices and cameras. Signs on or near the ceilings can
lead you to the proper area.
Rules and Regulations
Getting a personal GIFT for your wife has specific rules, like a size limit on
a fish caught in a lake. Here are some that will help keep you out of trouble:
- Buy her something she already has. Then she can exchange it for something
she really likes and "you will never know".
- Avoid sizes. If you have to get her any clothing, get a size or two too
small. This translates in her mind as a compliment.
- No underwear, Teddies, or pajamas. This is interpreted as a gift for you,
and also conflicts with rule two above.
- If it comes from a store you are comfortable in, get something else. There
are no personal items for women in sporting goods, hardware, liquor, or
fishing/tackle stores. The possible exception is if you are building that
romantic porch swing she has bugged you about for years. In this case, have
it finished before Christmas, or you will have to go back into the forest
for something else.
- No plants, flowers, or cards. These are for other occasions, weddings, and
deaths. These are interpreted as make-do gifts, such as those things you
grab at the last minute at the airport, the gas station, or the check-out
stand.
- The GIFT must personal and impractical. The breadmaker and blender are used
by everyone in the house, not just her. It must hers and hers alone. An
exception would be an automobile. Compact - yes, Mini-van - no.
- Things that enhance her personal hobby or collection are sure winners. If
she collects Barbies, an expensive ceramic version would be an excellent
trophy to give her.
- Expensive candy is OK, but does not constitute the main GIFT. Put this in
her Christmas stocking with the plastic candy cane you forgot to put back.
The Perfect Hunt
The best way to turn "Christmas shopping" into "Christmas hunting" would be to
organize a hunting trip. Treat this the same as any other hunting expedition.
Get together some buddies. Drive to the other side of the next state and camp.
Drink and play poker until you all pass out. Wake up before dawn and walk at
least a mile to the forest (mall). If it's not open yet, have breakfast. Malls
open earlier and stay open later as Christmas day approaches.
Divide into two's and hunt for the GIFT. Admire each other's kill.
Unless the GIFT is a car hood ornament, it would be tacky to tie the GIFT to
the hood of the car. Only something too large, such as exercise equipment,
can hang out of the trunk with bungee cords.
Spend the rest of the day in the sports bar or golf course.
I have had a lot of success with this attitude toward getting the GIFT. On one
experience, I tackled the greatest of all forests, Mall of America. I arrived
on Christmas Eve morning at 7 am, parked right outside the door, and I was back
in the car with her GIFT in 45 minutes. I wouldn't recommend this to an amateur
hunter.
Once you get the hang of the "Christmas Hunt", you can attempt the "Anniversary
Hunt" or the "Birthday Hunt", once you figure out which days those are.The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", so I just stepped inside
I took two steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride
I heard high voices, turned, and found the place was occupied
by two old nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse -- what could be worse?
Two old nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse!
The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", it must've been a gag
'cause when I walked right in there, I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace and slapped me with her bag
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day, what can I say?
This just wasn't turning out to be my day!
The Restroom Door Said "Gentlemen", and I would like to find
that crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the signs
'cause I've got two black eyes and one high heel up my behind
Now I'll never sit with comfort and joy -- boy o boy!
No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy!10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,
my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship
gave to me:
TWELVE
males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN
pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note),
TEN
melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE
persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT
economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN
endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX
enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE
golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package
has been revised.)
FOUR
hours of recorded whale songs
THREE
deconstructionist poets
TWO
Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...
ONE
Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.To Whom It May Concern
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult in
order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old.
The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.I want to go to
McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I
want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with
rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money 'cause you can
eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on
Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof. I
long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were
your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but
it didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know,
and you didn't care.
I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym, and field
trips. I want to be happy because I don't know what should make
me upset. I want to think the world is fair, and everyone in it
is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of
nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies,
unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality. I want to be six
again.
I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever
because I don't know the concept of death. I want to be oblivious
to the complexity of life, and be overly excited by the little
things again. I want television to be something I watch for fun,
not something I use for escape from the things I should be doing.
I want to live knowing the little things I find exciting will
always make me as happy as when I first learned them.....I want
to be six again.
I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware
of only the things that directly concerned me. I want to be naive
enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else. I want to
walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet,
and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm
looking for. I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and
riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the
dentist, and how to find the money to fix the old car. I want to
wonder what I'll do when I grow up, and what I'll be, who I'll
be, and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I
want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape, so that
when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or
two depressed friends, or a fight with my significant other, or
bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about
so many things, I can travel back, and build a snowman, without
thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together,
and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again, especially now, as Christmas approaches.
I want to expect nothing except presents and goodies. No terrorism,
no fears, no worries. Expecting only that Santa coming 'cause I've
been good (and somehow, mysteriously, even if I've not been all
that good?). No unemployment or job worries, no taking care of
ailing, elderly parents, no homeless in the streets. No aching
joints or blurred vision, just the joy of Christmas and meeting
with all my friends to share what we got.
I want to be six again.10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put
the hurt on you!"
2. Labels on all your kid's toys and clothes read "Straight from the trash
heap to you"
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"It was the night before Christmas when Santa Claus' sleigh team
became one member short because of a sudden illness, and when
an inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the
team so no one would take notice the missing animal, Regis Chief
of Elves, asked Santa, "Is that your vinyl Prancer?""Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Merry" "Merry who?" "Merry Christmas"
Chorus
Jingle bells, Shopping bells, jingle all the way,
Oh, what fun it is to go shopping everyday.
Candy store, five and ten, sports shop after that,
Toys for all the kiddies and don't forget the cat.
Dashing thru the crowds, people everywhere,
Up and down the aisles, sneezing in my hair.
There's so much to choose, there's so much to see.
Wonder if what I got you cost more'n what you got me.
Chorus
Shopping Bells, Jingle Bells, will they never stop,
I've been shopping all week long and I'm about to drop.
Ring them bells somewhere else far away from here,
Ain't it really lucky Christmas comes but once a year?
Verse
Wrap your presents nice, Pretty bows that shine,
Take them out to mail, You're gonna wait in line.
Find your way back home, and if you're like me,
Maybe on the twenty-fourth, You'll get to trim the tree.
Chorus
Jingle Bells, Shopping Bells, Jingle dear Saint Nick,
Got a hundred envelopes I'm gonna have to lick, "yick"
Shopping Bells, Jingle Bells, my fingers all have cramps,
And to really top it off, I just ran out of stamps.
Chorus
Jingle Bells, Shopping Bells, ringing in my ear,
I'll be broke 'till Easter time just like I was last year.
Shopping Bells, Jingle Bells, a few more days and then,
When I see the children smile, I'll do it all again.'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a user was using ... not even a mouse;
The programs were hung from the bugs in their code,
In hopes that a guru would soon cure their woes;The data were nestled all snug in their beds,
While versions of software danced in their heads;
The boss dimmed the lights as I locked up my desk,
A couple days off and a well-deserved rest;Then all of a sudden there came such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.Away to the processor I flew like a flash,
What a terrible sound .. like a massive headcrash;
The lights they were blinking and beaming aglow,
The hardcopy printout said "Let service know!";When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
On a silicon wafer ... a field engineer;
A little device driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Chip!More rapid than Macro, his cursor insane,
He whistled and shouted like a video game.Now, Pascal! Now, Basic!, Now, Fortran and Cobol!
On RPG! On PL/1, On Dibol and Snobol!
To the top of the registers, the bottom of core!
Run diagnostics and see what they store!As memory leaves when electricity flies,
The 'Rep' cracked a smile and loosened his tie;
He was chubby and plump, said the place was a wreck,
And I laughed when I saw him (in spite of high tech).A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He was dressed from his head to his feet in a suit,
His briefcase was heavy with tools to re-boot.With bundles of bits bulging out of his slacks,
He looked like a pro 'bout to fix a blown pack.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Reseated PC boards, then turned with a smirk;Hit return with his finger and said "Here it goes,"
And giving a nod, into the CRT he dove.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere leaving the site,
"Restore the data, and all will be right!"I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators.
Consider:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted
are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves
make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, “Mom, is there a Santa Claus?”
“Well, what do you think?” I asked him.
He replied, “Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper.” He thought for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what … you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let’s just forget we ever had this talk!”
Submitted by zanny.
Santa lives at the North Pole ...
JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh ...
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year ...
JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies ...
JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited ...
JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart when invited.
You have to wait in line to see Santa ...
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap ...
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy (or girl,) what's your name?" ...
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly ...
JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO ...
JESUS offers health, help and hope.
Santa says "You better not cry" ...
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you."
Santa's little helpers make toys ...
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
Santa is a "jolly old elf"
JESUS is the King of Kings
Santa may make you chuckle but ...
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree ...
JESUS became our gift and died on a tree.Q: Why does Santa have a garden?
A: So he can HO!HO!HO!Downtown they've put up Christmas lights,
And decked the streets with tinsel bright.
The windows of each store you see
Contain at least one Christmas tree.
In shopping centers everywhere
Christmas carols fill the air.
And Santa's broad and merry face
Is seen in almost every place.
From all these signs, one thing is clear...
...Thanksgiving Day is drawing near!It's begun. And the Gap is to blame. They've got brightly-
dressed people having a snowball fight in a new commercial. To
the sound of "The Little Drummer Boy."
That would be the Christmas Carol, "The Little Drummer Boy." Not
the Week Before Thanksgiving Carol, mind you. And that means that
even though Christmas is, in a technical sense, more than five
weeks away, the annual bombardment of horrifyingly cheerful
Christmas music is on.
As I understand it, there was once a time when Christmas only
lasted one day. That had to end, though, so the Twelve Days of
Christmas song could get written. And without that song, how
could we have those hilarious parodies that are about to be
clogging up the airwaves? Of course, to be perfectly accurate,
it would have to be The Forty Days of Christmas now. Not that
I'm suggesting anything of the sort. Please don't write a new,
even longer version of that song. And if you do, please, whatever
you do, don't forward me a copy.
I suppose it's time to strap in and brace myself for the usual
suspects. Department store sales starring comical Santas. Pet
store ads with dogs dressed up as reindeer. Cars wrapped up like
giant presents. I'm entirely prepared to be underwhelmed and
unastonished by the originality of the advertisers.
Why Christmas, anyway? I can only remember one Easter commercial
("Thank you, Easter Bunny! Bawk Bawk!"), and the only Presidents
Day commercials I ever see involve appliance sales. But Christmas
must be used to shill all manner of foolishness, most of which
won't even be used as Christmas gifts.
In the interest of fairness, I should acknowledge that there may
be people who enjoy Christmas commercials. People who are
looking forward to the next month of "Jingle Bells" selling them
tires, "Frosty the Snowman" selling them Palm Pilots, and "Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer" selling them, oh, I don't know, monkey
skulls or something.
And good for them.
Me, I'll be shaking my fist at my television and shouting for the
noise to stop. Of course, that's what I do most of the time
anyway.If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at
night with your church group, it's called "caroling."
But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk
and disorderly1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.Feeling Christmasy sharp? Will your melodious senses let you chime in with
the popular titles for these Christmas carols or will you be left feeling flat?
1) To sum forth the entire assembly loyal in their belief !
2) We listen to messengers of harmonious sounds!
3) Nocturnal times pan of unbroken quietness!
4) Small Judean municipality, southeast of Jerusalem!
5) Our auditory mechanisms perceive their voices at the zenith!
6) Diminutive masculine master of skin covered cylinders!
7) May blessings grant respite to ecstatic personages of male gender!
8) Venture forth and voice from a specific alpine geological formation!
9) The first person nominative plural of a triumvirate of Oriental potentates!
10) Nocturnal awe of the time span characterized by religiosity!
11) Distant from the present locale in a device devoted to animal alimentation!
12) The initial commemoration of divine incarnation!
13) It occurred during the nocturnal point equidistant between crepuscular periods of
nonprecipitious weather!
14) A troiche of oceangoing vehicles was apparent to me!
15) Felicitations to Sol's third major satellite!
16) Do not prevent the crystallization of hydrogen hydroxide forming precipitate
from the atmosphere!
17) Apply an ecologic visually aesthetic improvement to interior causeways!
18) The metallic hemispherical percussion instruments stimulated my auditory
nerves at the incarnation feast!
19) During the vigilance of custodians of ruminants of the genus ovis!
20) I shall return to the situs of my domicile for the celebration of devine nativity!
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1) Oh Come All Ye Faithful
2) Hark The Heralds Angels Sing
3) Silent Night
4) Oh Little Town Of Bethlehem
5) Angels We Have Heard On High
6) Little Drummer Boy
7) God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
8) Go Tell It On The Mountain
9) We 3 Kings
10) I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas
11) Away In A Manger
12) The First Noel
13) It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
14) I Saw 3 Ships Come Sailing
15) Joy To The World
16) Let It Snow
17) Deck The Halls
18) The Christmas Bells
19) While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night
20) I'll Be Home For Christmas10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"
9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he
knows which one is which?"
8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE."
7. "Sure...HIS seat is a flotation device. What about us?"
6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."
5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."
4. "HEY! Watch the antlers there, buddy!"
3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"
2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingling bells really get
annoying!"
And Finally...
1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999. . .
1) A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have Nylon and Velcro up your butt?
2) Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3) A REAL man. Hey, maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4) Arms that actually bend, so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5) Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6) A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7) A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8) A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a mini container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9) No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10) Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It's just that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie- Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly.
- We three kings of porridge and tar.
- On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me.
- Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
- He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
- Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
- With the jelly toast proclaim.
- Olive, the other reindeer.
- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.
- Sleep in heavenly peas.
- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is
sparse and brown.
- You'll go down in Listerine.
- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.
- O come, froggy faithful.
- You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require."
- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid.Dear Johnny,
I know WHO you are, and I KNOW where you live. You little sh*t!
You can't talk to SANTA like that and get away with it!
If you don't like the yo-yo, which is a classic toy, by the way,
then you can just cram it up your little *$$! As for the whistle
you didn't care for -- I gotcha whistle right here!!! Come blow
on this! And the socks...well, I figured you are big enough to
be whacking off, and those sox would have come in handy and been
handy to ... well, even you should get the picture!
And... that little "faggot" across the street, you'll be happy to
know that he's already got pubic hair and his whang is TWICE as
long as yours. Besides, his parents think YOU're the fag --always
moanin' and whinin'.
Don't worry about gathering up rocks for my visit to your house
next year, 'cause I ain't coming down your chimbly ever again.
If you find any pennies this year, you had better stop and pick
them up, 'cause that's about all you're going to get for Christmas.
Your mom and dad are doing to be killed in a car crash, and you'll
be stuck in an orphanage before Thanksgiving.
Bad? You want BAD? I'll show you who's bad!
Affectionally, Adieu,
SantaDecember 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.1. No man alive would name reindeer of the following Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen, Cupid.
2. If Santa were a man, all the girls age 8 or older would be kidnapped
in the morning.
3. If Santa were a man, everybody'd get
A. golf club decorations
B. Crepe paper
C. bubble wrap
4. The only place a male Santa could/would get reindeer is shot dead,
from a forest somewhere.
5. Women obviously invented the "Cristmas mistltoe" thing1757
The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by
Claus II to begin an ambitious project that of breeding and
training reindeer to fly.
1773
The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's
major form of transportation.
1774
A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light.
He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by
the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday,
inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To
impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the
elves' expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a
dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this,
and the seeds of rebellion are planted.
1777
As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search
for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the
Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to
use it to his advantage.
1784
On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street
during the Christmas day parade, and is assassinated by a radical
faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and
puts martial law into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war
breaks out as Rudolf leads the elves in rebellion.
1785-1792
The Seven Year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys,
and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole
hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a
prisoner of his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power,
and sets himself as leader of the elven community.
1796
Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. More
than 10,000 elves are killed.
1800
Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802
After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is
quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built,
brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.
1804
Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves
are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826
After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus
III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is
introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.
1827-1841
The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt
Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as
president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their
out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the hugest
advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride all
over the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere.
The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.
1837
Claus III dies.
1851
As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the
elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay
cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do
all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries
an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family
and the elves.
1856
Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay
at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed
employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that
he decides to do it every year.
1857-1867
Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf
relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time
building up the company, doesn't seem to mind, in fact, he feels
that it's good publicity.
1871
Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try
to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government
back to the elves.
1872
Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the
remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As father did last-minute Internet shopping.The stockings were hung next the modem with care
In the hope that Santa would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
With visions of computer games filling their heads.Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II is for Dan,
Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by mom,
To santa@toyshop.northpole.com -Which now had been re-routed to Washington State
Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates.
All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.After living a life that was simple and spare,
Santa now finds that he's a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion, and the old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright,
HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The dining room table with clutter was spread
With pedigree charts and with letters which said...
"Too bad about the data for which you wrote
Sank in a storm on an ill fated boat."
Stacks of old copies of wills and the such
Were proof that my work had become much too much.
Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And I at my table was ready to drop
From work on my album with photos to crop.
Christmas was here, and of such was my lot
That presents and goodies and toys I forgot.
Had I not been so busy with grandparent's wills,
I'd not have forgotten to shop for such thrills.
While others had bought gifts that would bring Christmas cheer;
I'd spent time researching those birth dates and years.
While I was thus musing about my sad plight,
A strange noise on the lawn gave me such a great fright.
Away to the window I flew in a flash,
Tore open the drapes and I yanked up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But an overstuffed sleigh and eight small reindeer.
Up to the housetop the reindeer they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys, and old Santa Claus too.
And then in a twinkle, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of thirty-two hoofs.
The TV antenna was no match for their horns,
And look at our roof with hoof-prints adorned.
As I drew in my head, and bumped it on the sash,
Down the cold chimney fell Santa - KER-RASH!
"Dear" Santa had come from the roof in a wreck,
And tracked soot on the carpet, (I could wring his short neck!)
Spotting my face, good old Santa could see
I had no Christmas spirit, you'd have to agree.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the stockings, (I felt like a jerk).
Here was Santa, who'd brought us such gladness and joy;
When I'd been too busy for even one toy.
He spied my research on the table all spread
"A genealogist!" He cried! (My face was all red!)
"Tonight I've met many like you", Santa grinned.
As he pulled from his sack a large book he had penned.
I gazed with amazement - the cover it read
"Genealogy Lines for Which You Have Plead."
"I know what it's like as a genealogy bug,"
He said as he gave me a great Santa Hug.
"While the elves make the sleighful of toys I now carry,
I do some research in the North Pole Library!
A special treat I am thus able to bring,
To genealogy folks who can't find a thing.
Now off you go to your bed for a rest,
I'll clean up the house from this genealogy mess."
As I climbed up the stairs full of gladness and glee,
I looked back at Santa who'd brought much to me.
While settling in bed, I heard Santa's clear whistle,
To his team which then rose like the down of a thistle
And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Family History is Fun! Merry Christmas! Goodnight!"Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked
Santa for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had
to go out and do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and
Timmy sat on Santas lap a second time.
When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in a
questioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?"
Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought
Timmy might have thought of something else to add to his list.
When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his mother
if Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would.
Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to add
to my list then."
"What is that?" asked Mom.
"Why an elf, of course." replied Timmy.
"An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for?" queried Mom.
"Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves," replied Timmy, "and
have them build me all the toys I'll ever need?"1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear
to the office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it
a job requirement.
4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...that is when you
giggled...like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with
your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho!
Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip
showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on
milk and cookies all day long.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your
children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to
sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not
pout.While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for
electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one,
"you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that
okay?"
The usual answer was a quick yes, but afer I asked one boy this
question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation
along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.
He promptly replied, "Another train."Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that
big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs
that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have
missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with
a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate
out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a
dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say,
"Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes
and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure
to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got
a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map
with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to
get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a
distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's
in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act
like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."Yesterday I visited a translation website and translated some Christmas
carols into other languages, then back into English. The results as follows:
Jingleglocken, jingleglocken, jingle completely.
Oh which fun it is to ride into a horse-opened sleigh.
("Jingle Bells," translated into German and then back into English)
Ring of sleighbells, are you listening?
In the track the snow is shining.
A beautiful vista, we are tonight happy,
Walking in the country of the wonders of the winter.
("Winter Wonderland," Spanish)
Icily Snowman a lucky merry soul
With one was formed from a key corncob,
And the nose and two eyes, those from coal.
("Frosty the Snowman," German)
Rudolph the red-nose reindeer has had a nose a lot polishes,
And if you never saw it, you would even say that she emits light.
("Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," Italian)
You would improve the clock towards the outside,
You would improve not the shout,
You would improve not the codfish.
I is saying to him Papa Noel is coming to the city.
("Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," Spanish)When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."Rudy the Deadbeat Father
(Sung to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
Rudy the dead beat fath-er
Won't support his fam-i-ly--
Dooming his wife and children
To a life of pov-er-ty.
Rudy enjoys the good life--
Takes a Roy-al princess cruise;
Makes it with busty bim-bos--
Drinks the most expensive booze
When the law got on his trail,
Rudy changed his name;
grew a moustache and goatee
had some plastic sur-ger-y.
Rudy the deadbeat fath-er
loves the gliter and the glow
if he had only known it
He'd have split ten years ago!1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?Dear Boys and Girls,
Well, it's that time of year again and once again I am busting my
ass to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain
it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who don't know sh*t
about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I
caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew?
I always thought the little bastards were gay!
I really am getting too old for this sh*t. It used to be so
simple... wooden toys and dolls that didn't do anything, but now
it's electronic gizmos up the ass, and what the hell does an old
fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on
the computer a few years ago and the d*mn thing crashed. Lost all
the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly
tech support to the north pole?
Don't even get me started on the d*mn reindeer. "Eight tiny
reindeer" my ass! Too much hay and carrots. They are so d*mn fat
I have my doubts they will even get off the ground.
I shouldn't talk. I always go on a diet the day after Christmas.
Too many d*mn cookies and milk. Of course, now what do the little
kiddies leave me? Low fat milk and fat free cookies! That's all I
get, especially in California with all those d*mn health nuts. Is
it too much to ask to leave the fat man a good stiff drink to keep
him warm through the night?
Enough about my problems. How have you been? Hope things are
going well for you and yours. Not sure what time I will be flying
over your house but with the FAA and their new freaking rules,
it's going to be a very long night.
Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!
Lots of love,
SantaFor the twelve days of Christmas my Tutu (Grandmother)
gave to me
12 missionaries
11 televisions
10 cans of soda
9 Pounds of poi
8 ukuleles
7 shrimps a swimming
6 hula lessons
5 Luau pigs!
4 Flower Leis
3 Dried squid
2 coconuts
and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas
2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres
3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous darling
4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors
5. The apartment of two psychiatrists
6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist
7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis
8. Decorate the entryways
9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element
10. Oh small Israel urban center
11. Far off in a haybin
12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole
13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season
14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation
15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season
16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully
17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in
the dark hours
18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction
19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe
20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense
organ?
21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which
vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck
22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster
23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans
24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation,
darling Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Answers to Christmas Songs
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1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas = Oh Holy Night
2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres = Jingle Bell Rock
3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous darling =
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors = All I Want For Christmas Is My
Two Front Teeth
5. The apartment of two psychiatrists = The Nutcracker Suite
6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist = Little Drummer Boy
7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis = Silent Night
8. Decorate the entryways = Deck the Halls
9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element = Silver
Bells
10. Oh small Israel urban center = Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
11. Far off in a haybin = Away in a Manger
12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole = We Three Kings
13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season = The Twelve
Days of Christmas
14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation = Go Tell It on the Mountain
15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season =
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully = Hark
the Herald Angels Sing
17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in the
dark hours = Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night
18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction = I Saw
Three Ships
19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe = Joy to the World
20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense
organ? = Do You Hear What I Hear?
21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which
vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck = Carol of the Bells
22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster = I Saw
Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans = God Rest
Ye Merry Gentlemen
24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation, darling =
Rudolph the Red-Nosed ReindeerThis just in from News Service.
A MAJOR MERGER IS ANNOUNCED
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was
announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300
years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not
available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve
days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both
organizations. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Twenty Days of Christmukah, as the
new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords
a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible
to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened
there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff
happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa
Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts.
In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three
hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and
cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last
year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. Both organizations hailed
this as a win-win.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa
might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for
the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah
might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately
for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive
balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing
rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."Every Coder in Codeville liked objects a lot.
"Tested," "Reusable,' that's what was hot.
But the Grinch of Reality sulked in his cave,
Saying, "Hear them all talk of the time that they'll save!"
The Grinch hated Coders, and liked them to sweat.
He thought, "I can make them unhappy, I'll bet!"
He read through 12 texts, then looked up with a grin:
"Why, this is as good as original sin!"
He read with a chortle, "An object or class,
Is like a black box hiding all that it has.
Its details invisible: All that you know
Is what should go in and what answers will show."
He slunk to the West Coast and into a lab,
Where chip engineers were at work at their fab.
He heard their boss saying, "Forget testing tricks:
This one is the same as a 486!"
His chance had now come. From their math microcode,
He struck out one line as it went to download.
And the Grinch watched with barely containable glee
As the chips with their bugs shipped across land and sea.
And each of those chips went to some happy buyer,
Where some just played games, but most were for hire,
Sending up spacecraft or buying up stocks,
Or predicting the timing of quake aftershocks.
Then the bug story broke! And the Grinch was alarmed.
This news came too early! Too few had been harmed!
But the Grinch soon calmed down, as the months marched on by,
And the chip-making people continued to lie.
"We fixed it!" they said, and now that was quite funny:
You couldn't get fixed chips for love or for money.
"It's really no problem," they added in chorus.
"The errors are rare. Stop whining, you bore us."
So everywhere, Coders were having to ask,
"Just how does this chip do its float-divide task?"
Internals that they had been told to ignore,
Now had to be studied in blood and in gore.
The leading bit patterns whose answers were wrong,
And whether the errors were carried along,
All had to be thoroughly well understood
So the Coders could know if their answers were good.
And the Grinch went off happy. He knew that they'd learned
That quality output still had to be earned.
Beyond "Merry Christmas," they'd learned something greater:
"If you don't test it now, you'll just debug it later."Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"* Toy Store "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
* Bridal boutique "Marry Christmas."
* Outside a church "The original Christmas Club."
* At a department store "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and
mangle with the crowd."
* A Texas jewelry store "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for
$200,000.
* A reducing salon "18 Shaping Days until Christmas."
* In a stationery store "For the man who has everything...a
calendar to remind him when payments are due."(To the tune of "Deck The Halls")
'Tis the season to be greedy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Treat ourselves, forget the needy!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Charging gifts with wild abandon!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Credit limits not withstandin'!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Sing we now the spendthrift's carol!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Buying presents by the barrel!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
Throwing parties, being merry!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!
'Till bills come in January!
Fa la la la la, La la la la!10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!Q. Why do reindeer have red noses?
A. They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into
things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen
with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).
Q. Why does Santa use Elves?
A. There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.
Q. Is there really a Mrs. Claus?
A. Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures
(Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual
preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to
have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a
threesome with a reindeer, though.
Q. Does Santa really live on the North Pole?
A. Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and
the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that
Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he
can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to
the cryptic description "up where the sun don't shine", which
applies to both the North Pole and *ssh*les in general.
Q. Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A. Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does
it say "Made at the North Pole"? ("Made in China" more likely!)
Q. Then what does he DO all year?
A. Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he
spends his winters in Florida.
Q. Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?
A. Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty
attitude (he doesn't take stress too well).
Q. If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy
(given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?
A. Little angels are known to be kinky.
Q. Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A. Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine
guns.
Q. So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man
who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives
around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?
A. You forgot about the bestiality thing.Hark the gossip fills the air(sung to the tune "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")
Hark the gossip fills the air-r
Mom's begun a new affair;
Sneaking off to get her ki-icks--
Down the road at Motel 6;
Filled with mid-life lust and hunger,
Every year she likes them younger;
Who'd have thought her days she'd spend,
Getting on with my best friend!
Shacking up for days on end --
Getting it on...with my best friend!Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store
Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his
finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll
bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No..."
The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for
Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of
that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do,
because I can smell it on your finger!"A Scottish Santa, on duty at the local department store, was
dressed in the kilt. He was, of course dressed in 'Regimental
Fashion' (nothing under it).
A young boy, on approaching the venerable old gent, noticed this
and, when asked what he wanted for Christmas, was hesitant to say.
His mother prompted him not to be shy. "Tell Santa what you want
for Christmas dear."
The lad squirmed and finally blurted out "Well, Santa, if you can
grant my wish I'd be so happy."
"What is it you'd like?" asked Santa.
"I'd like a wee set of bagpipes just like the one I saw under your
kilt"!
Did you hear about the Scottish Santa who, when he came down the
chimney, asked "Anyone want to buy some toys?Consider the following:
1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants.
2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
5. Santa travels a lot.
Yep, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are:
"Peace on Earth",
"Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottle of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came loud a yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...
And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.
Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name:
"On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain't got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!
Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we've still got a long haul!"
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.
And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.
He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn't fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.
Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.
But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
"Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!"A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.
A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother
who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.
A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to
confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.
Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall
units that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in
your house.
Anything Garfield.
A remote control for the refrigerator door.
A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho Doberman look like
a poodle.
A deluxe prepackaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large
enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.
Doggie antlers when your nearsighted hunting relatives will be
spending the holidays with you.
A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has
to do to get more presents next year.
A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.
An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so
much during retakes that he actually gains weight.
A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to
wear.
His own Petsmart credit card.
A cat.Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996Dear Santa:Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:
Santa:1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.It's that simple.Yours truly,
BarbieQ: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.
Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?
Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is
seen in the eyes.
Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live
Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.
Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the
recipients.
Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit,
but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the
pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.
Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything.
Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger
on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone
on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by
several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.
Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.
Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.
Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may
hear then what words can't say.Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.
His wife is a relaive Clause.
His children are dependent Clauses.
Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.
Santa's elves are subordinate Clauses.Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best
wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low
stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter
solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions
of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for
the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally
accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the
Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars
of choice of other cultures).
The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of
computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
Now go forth and Enjoy!'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"
During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate.""I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear.Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magick Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilbert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?Wilbert now answered: "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to beat the heck out of you!' "
Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these f**kin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to
Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do
the heavy lifting for you!
Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas]
[Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer
of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic]
[passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little......
[boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have......
[not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated]
[embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always]
[often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma]
[grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other
daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid
schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes
me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots
of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants]
this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life For
my mommy, please bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit
leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a
vise]. For my daddy, please bring a new...... [neck tie] [razor]
[money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription] [topaz-studded
ass plug]. For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister],
please bring......[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos]
[GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a diaphragm]
[a subscription to Guns & Ammo]. For my...... [doggy] [hamster]
[ferret], please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater]
[kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non-
surgical sterilization]. Oh and for my...... [baby sitter]
[mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker], please bring
some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work
ethic].
Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter]
[Scooby Doo] [Spider Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants]
[Anna Nicole Smith]...... [action figures] [videos] [breakfast
cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper], and
front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron
Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] plus
backstage passes so I can get...... [autographs] [behind the
scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]! Oh, and please don’t
forget to bring my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony]
[Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0] [amputee Afghan orphan]. But if you
can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really
really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000]
[$1,000,000] [$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]!
Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding]
[Jell-O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.
[Love],
[Sincerely],
[Yours],
[Breathlessly],
[ insert name here ]
PS Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas] to......
[Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless
Elfin slavemaster].
PPS Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He] [She] has been
a really......[naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted]
[homicidal]...... [dork] [weener] [cry-baby] [coprophile]
[vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any
Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put...... [coal]
[sticks] [homework] [dog sh*t] [ebola] in their stocking.
Thanks!If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for
their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36
hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it
anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced
steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the
first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would
interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most
everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier,
and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree
remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier
than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization'
of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang
the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would
know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted
phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments
would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an
episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national
security.
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your
attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the
day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an
ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device
attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an
authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would
weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling
charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster
than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all
identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let
you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or
what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they
would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save
everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.
RE: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was
announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-
head cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was
becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the
world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the
Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being
the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible
to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message
on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and
his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred
years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies
for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last
year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy
about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the
competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all
present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.Q: Why does Santa have such big balls?
A: Because he only cums once a year.After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.
When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'"Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are:
"Peace on Earth",
"Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.Santa Claus could never have been a woman!
Who else but a man would:
Be really generous once a year,
Be totally uninvolved the other 11 months,
(And 29 days, we'll give him Christmas Eve & Day),
And yet think he was a saint?
And, from Barb & Joel, Murphy & Edgrr, Kent, WA
One more reason Santa has to be a man:
No woman is going to wear the same outfit, year after year.SEASONS GREETINGS (after the lawyers were done)
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the
winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular
practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to
practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .
. . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2001, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to
society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America
is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only
"AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice
of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It
implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by
law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This
wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first,
and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of
a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a
full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in
the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy
departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency
that little Little Johnny dragged his mother to the toy department
in a big department store.
Mother quickly steered Little Johnny into the line of children
waiting to talk to Santa, but Little Johnny was far more interested
in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance
for a moment, Little Johnny vanished from the Santa Queue and
began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother
noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted
him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told
him it was time to get off. Little Johnny ignored her. She began to
beg; Little Johnny paid no attention. She began to make promises
of sugarplums, etc., if only Little Johnny would get off the hobby
horse.
He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.
Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama
out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Little
Johnny's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate."
"I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try."
Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Little Johnny's
ear. Little Johnny's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the
horse and took his mother's hand.
Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home,
Mama asked Little Johnny what Santa had whispered to him. Little
Johnny was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German
Chocolate cake) if Little Johnny would only tell Mama what Santa's
words were.
Little Johnny turned pale and wouldn't utter a word.
What had Santa said?
Little Johnny's mother was determined to find out. She had never
been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was
worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic
Santa Claus had used on Little Johnny. She continued to bribe him
with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Little Johnny's stubborn
streak finally faded. What did Santa say?
Little Johnny now answered "He said, 'Listen, you little son of a
bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse
right this second, I'm going to kick the living sh*t out of you!' "'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armoury securely,
In hopes that no aliens would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.
When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"
The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name.
"It¹s Riker! It¹s Data! It¹s Worf and Jean-Luc!
It¹s Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That¹s enough!" cried the captain, "You¹ll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take aim at this dunce!"
"I¹m deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q,
"I just want to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
"I¹ve brought gifts," he said, "just to show I¹m sincere.
There¹s something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile
"For Counsellor Troi, there¹s no need to explain.
Here¹s Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I¹ve some mints as his breath¹s not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there¹s sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."
Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"Drinking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party rush,
Faces are hung o'er the balcony, everybody is a lush.
Drinking around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas drunkards
through,
Later we'll do some vomiting, and our arms will hug the loo.
You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.
(drunken sax solo.)
You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.
Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.- He can remember which of 2.4 billion kids have been naughty or
nice. . . but does he remember to replace the roll of toilet
paper when it runs out? NooOOooo.
- That whole "knows if you've been bad or good" thing makes it
mighty hard for kids to cheat at Old Maid.
- One night a year for me to sneak out with the girlfriends, and
all the bars are closed.
- Managing toy production, keeping elves in line, cleaning up
after reindeer . . . meanwhile, fatboy sits around 364 days out
of the year and gets all the glory!1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that
is getting in the way as he "helps."
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog &
sitting on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the
paper on.
31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff
no longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries
to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with
remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good
helpers they are.1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting,
"Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp
objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you
never get to join in on the reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach
a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop
All you get is the snowman's poop!''Twas the night before Christmas ( White House Style )
'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
The Secret Service men were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.
Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed
after locking out Mr. Kennedy and the dirty thoughts in his head.
And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed,
had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed.
When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
all drunken and rowdy 'twas Gingrich and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
"It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"
The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow
gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.
When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear,
but a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer,
With a big old leader, all lively and fat;
He knew it was Newt, "Proponent of GATT!"
As vicious as vipers, the Republicans came,
and Bill recognized them and called them by name.
"Hey Helms! Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch!
Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!"
A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
"Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"
Together Dems and Rebublicans danced and sang out in cheer,
"Screw Health Care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!"
When from the chimney, came a blinding black cloud of soot,
and Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.
He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand
and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
The crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.
As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
the rest of the crooks outlined their Hidden Agendas of Doom.
"We'll pray in schools, we'll shove it down their throats!"
"More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"
And they drank, hugged, and danced, they crossed party lines,
and they cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"
So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap
and took turns sitting on the president's lap.
Gephardt and Dole were passed out on the lawn,
and awoke in the morning without their pants on.
And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear,
while Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.
Then the party-goers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
"A Merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have
had in the past.
9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
and have it hauled away.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
And the # ONE reason Christmas Trees are better than women
1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la la la la, la la la la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-
non-endangered wood before us,
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global
warming,
Fast away the chronologically challenged year passes
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-
solstice-holiday treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la LA LAThe price of giving all the items bestowed by the "true love" of
the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas" may be a little beyond
most people's budget. The following costs were calculated for
1999, based upon a report issued in 1995 by PNC Bank Corp.,
assuming an annual rate of inflation of 2.5 percent
1. Partridge in a pear tree $38.95
2. Turtle doves $55.35
3. French hens $16.40
4. Calling birds $309.55
5. Gold rings $497.13
6. Geese-a-laying $166.05
7. Swans-a-swimming $7,726.45
8. Maids-a-milking $37.93
9. Pipers piping $2,877.18
10. Ladies dancing $3,326.13
11. Lords-a-leaping $1,223.85
12. Drummers drumming $1,325.33
Total to give gifts once $17,600.28
Total to give as in song* $80,973.98
* Singing the song in its entirety results in 364 presents. The
partridge is given 12 times, two doves 11 times (22 total), etc.,
etc., etc...A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home
visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans
for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was
wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her
husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.
He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion.
He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the
grieving widow's wishes.
At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners
might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully
introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of
humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.
The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the
introduction to her late husband's "favorite song" she sat up and
began to appear quite interested. As the preacher began the song,
the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.
She was actually giggling as he concluded, and he felt glad he'd
decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so
comforting.
After the service she thanked the pastor for sharing his music
ministry, and with a big grin she added, "By the way, the favorite
song I requested was 'When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'"You think you got it bad? All night long, soot in the chimneys,
smelly socks, cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving
all night in the snow - d*mn near got killed by a 747. Mrs.
Clause is p*ssed off cause I got in so late.
Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got you-know-what over Albuquerque
and you should see my suit. The d*mn elves won't clean the sleigh
unless I pay them double time.
I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball
I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh.
My prostate is giving me hell. I pee'd my pants at 20,000 feet
and froze my butt to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I
itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.
HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS, your a**.The remaining local ranchers headed by the cattle baroness Clare D Looney
eventually monopolized the stock business to the point where the only
competition( two Chinese immigrants - Lu Chim and Wu Ni) were forced to take
drastic, but traditional action.
The stock kings were hung by Chim & Ni, with Clare.
Those modified sisters maintained strange yearnings from their previous selves
and devised a plan to satisfy their impulses. On Christmas eve they planned to
get Santa stuck in the chimney with his tender parts exposed in the fireplace.
Why?
In hope that St Nick soon would be theirs.
Both by Gary Reeves
=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to
check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not
have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you
don't want.
By Marsha in Texas
=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
If you go shopping early you will surely be baroque, because you can shop at
each store Purcell. Yule be saying, "I wish I Haydn't did it, I guess my sin is
Grieg". I bought too many 3 Stooges paraphernalia, but I couldn't resist Mozart.
Now all I see at the bottom of my checkbook are those big, bad Berlioz. But
don't worry, after shopping, yule just say, "Schumann, let's go eat some Mexican
crocodile named 'Elgar' and then we can top it off with some Shubert". After
which, I can give you a ride home in my station Wagner.
By David WilliamsLittle Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store
Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his
finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
Johnny shakes his head, "No."
Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then I'll
bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
Johnny again shakes his head, "No..."
The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for
Christmas, little boy?"
Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of
that!?!?"
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you do,
because I can smell it on your finger!"Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And
they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He
made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about
his looks.
However it wasn’t his glowing probiscus that he wanted changed. He was proud
of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive
about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average
reindeer, or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pinna reconstructive
surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ...
New Ears Day.I'm sending this card to tell you
That taxes have taken away
The things that I really needed --
My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh,Now I'm making my rounds on a jackass,
He's old, he's crippled, he's slow,
So you'll know if I don't see you at Xmas,
It's cause I'm out on my ass in the snow.
I received the following from DeFrancesR
who tells me it is the original version of this piece,
written by Jan Clark and/or one of her sorority
sisters over 15 years ago. See below:
I write this letter to tell you
High taxes have taken away
The things I really cherish:
My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh.I'm forced to ride a donkey
Who's old and crippled and slow.
So, if I don't see you at Christmas time,
I'm out on my ass in the snow. Today, December 9, 2002, I received the following from Dick Crozier who writes:
I was amazed to see that some young lady claimed either she or a "room mate" wrote the original about 15 years ago. I know that Dad didn't write it, but it had been around for many years before that. Therefore I am firmly
convinced that this claim is untrue. His version (below) is from about 1960.
I just wrote this note to inform you
That taxes have taken away
The things I have found most essential
My reindeer, my workshop, my sleigh
So I got me a donkey for Christmas
He's old, crippled, and slow
So if you don't see me on Christmas
I'm out on my ass in the snow.
So, whose version is the correct, original one? I don't know and so offer all three.
Enjoy them all and have a Merry Christmas. WFS
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.Submitted by zanny.
How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson
And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how
they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays.
Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to
the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to
panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night tv.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Democrats give their children gifts that make a political
statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of
their hair.
Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to
shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work
decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to
enjoy the scenery.
Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".
Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they
buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts....and
reposition them them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the
festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
Christmas Cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from
doing it again.
Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer."
Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White Christmas."
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".
Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the
week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democratic men like to watch football while their wives,
girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians".
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they
stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing
in Santa Claus...Q: Why was Frosty the Snow Man so excited?
A: Because heard the snowblowers were coming.Q: What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus?
A: It looks like reindeer.I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it...
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only lingerie suitable for street walkers, cheap perfume, or any sharp object made by Ronco which slices or dices, left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a PlayStation under the tree, still in the bag. And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't wrap presents - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course) - Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up babes. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitmentDear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply: I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.
We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb
out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little
harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there
was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she
could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make
it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade
holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing
scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder
if her back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They
drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked
away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the fine art of toilet bowl sanitation.
Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of
America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline
Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof
of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says,
"People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were
all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha
gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off. If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman
Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change,
really. Just $5,000. But what is the price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha
replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow
must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of
her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever
someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"WARNING: This is NOT a joke for the kids and contains language and "adult humor". If you're easily offended, please read one of our OTHER jokes.
------------------------------
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"1. Chanukah is known as
a. The Festival of Lights
b. The Holiday of Rededication
c. The Jewish Christmas
d. The Yiddish Ramadan
2. The heroes of the holiday of Chanukah lived in
a. Ancient Palestine
b. Ancient Israel
c. The Occupied Territories
d. The Liberated Territories
e. A three floor walk-up in Jerusalem
3. The Jews of the time of the first Chanukah worshipped
a. At the Holy Temple in Jerusalem
b. At a less holy temple about ten miles west of Jerusalem
c. Wherever they could get High Holiday tickets
d. All of the above
4. Suddenly, a new, cruel leader (what else is new?) came to power in Syria,
whose name was
a. Hafiz al-Assad
b. Yassir Arafat
c. Antiochus
d. Antisemite
e. Antibody
5. This evil leader abruptly commanded the Jews of his kingdom to
a. Eat pig
b. Eat at McDonald's
c. Eat everything on their plates
d. Become idol worshippers
e. Become idle
6. There arose a brave elder among the Jewish people who helped to lead a
revolt against the Syrians, whose name was
a. Mattathias
b. Mattityahu
c. Matthew
d. Matt
e. Merwin
f. Mud
g. His name would have been Mud had he lost
7. Mattityahu (what a relief-that's the answer to #6) had sons by the names of
a. Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo
b. Huey, Dewey and Louis
c. Jacob, Joey, Jeremy and Christopher (his wife became less
traditional as she grew older)
d. dah, and I'm not sure of the others
8. The last name of this glorious family was
a. Marx (see #7a)
b. Duck (see #7b)
c. Abu ben Amir (it wasn't easy to be a Jew in those days)
d. Callaghan (it's not easy today)
e. Maccabee
9. The town in which the heroic family lived was
a. Modin
b. Mahwah
c. Crown Heights
d. Farfallen Heights
e. Wayne
f. Passaic Park
10. The name "Maccabee" (you wait long enough, you get most of the answers)
translates to mean
a. "May the Lord be with us, 'caus, if He's not, we're in big trouble"
b. "Son of a Star"
c. "Son of a Gun"
d. "Nails," because the Maccabees nailed the Syrian army
11. Where did the Jews fight the Syrians?
a. At Entebbe
b. At Natanya
c. Through thick and thin
d. With blood, sweat and tears
e. On the streets
f. On the beaches
12. After many long and agonizing battles, the Jews defeated their oppressors.
The final score of the war was
a. Maccabees 9, Syrians 2
b. Maccabees 613, Syrians 0
c. Maccabees 11, Maccabees 1
13. In order to purify the Holy Temple, the Jews had to
a. Get a good cleaning person who would do floors
b. Get a good cleaning person who would do walls and windows too
(now that's a miracle!)
c. Get rid of the chazar-fleisch
d. Get some oil
14. The oil the Maccabees found was sufficient for only
a. One day
b. Seven days
c. Seven days in Israel, eight in the Diaspora (go figure)
15 But there was a great miracle, as the oil used for resanctifying the Temple
ended up lasting
a. Until it needed an oil change
b. Twelve days
c. Twelve days, but for you, eight days
16. Hannah was a heroine of the first Chanukah, who had
a. Five daughters
b. No, it was Tevye the Dairyman who had five daughters
c. Seven sons
d. Six sons
e. Five sons
f. Four sons
17. One of the great coincidences of history is that
a. Chanukah begins on the 25th day of the Hebrew month Kislev
b. Christmas takes place on the 25th day of the Julian month of
December
c. Chanukah and charoset (from Passover) both start with "ch"
18. Among the Talmudic rulings on this holiday is that
a. The lamp must be lit at sunset
b. The lamp should be placed outside the entrance of one's house
c. The lamp should be set on a window nearest the street
d. Your fire insurance should be paid up every year by the beginning
of Kislev
e. Chanukah used to be the day before Tu B'Shvat but the rabbis moved
it to avoid forest fires
19. Jewish women are obligated to also kindle the Chanukah lamp because
a. They were included in the miracle, according to Tractate Shabbat,
21b
b. They were threatening to picket the Holy Temple according to the
to feminist magazine Lilith, page 21
20. One of the major debates in the Talmud involves
a. The House of Shammai suggesting that we light eight lights on the
first night of Chanukah, and then one less each following night
b. The House of Hillel suggesting that we light one light on the first
night, and then one more each following night
c. The House of Eisenstat suggesting that we swallow some bicarbonate
of soda after devouring too many greasy latkes
d. The House of Weinrib suggesting that we swallow some Alka Seltzer
after devouring too many greasy latkes (The latter was disallowed
when it was discovered that the House of Weinrib owned 51 percent
of Alka Seltzer shares)
21. Because Chanukah is considered such a joyous holiday, Jews are
a. Forbidden to eulogize the dead
b. Forbidden to fast
c. Forbidden to cover their neighbor's Christmas lights, especially
since the concept was stolen from the holiday of Chanukah, anyway
22. The special Al-Hanissim prayer is added to religious services and the Grace
After Meals during the eight days of Chanukah. It translates as
a. "Thanks for the Miracles."
b. "Thanks for the Memories"
c. Yes, Bob Hope actually entertained the Maccabean troops
23. According to the Encyclopedia Judaica, there were many communities in the
Middle Ages where Jewish women were forbidden to work while the Chanukah
lights were burning. This reportedly led many rabbis of the era to
a. Move to another community that followed a different custom
b. Push for a one or two day Chanukah
c. Use far less oil in their lamps
d. Use much shorter candles
24. A long-accepted tradition of Jews around the world is for the parents to
give their children
a. Chanukah gelt (money), over the eight days of the holiday
b. Jewish guilt (often over money), over the twelve months until the
next Chanukah
25. On the holiday of Chanukah, millions of Jews all over the world
a. Spin the dreidel
b. Hang the mistletoe
c. Stuff the stocking
d. Decorate the tree
e. We really have to do something about assimilation (which was what
the Maccabean revolt was all about)One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.10. More shots fired at Santa's house
9. To remove the Elf with vibrating electric football set in his pants from
the workshop
8. Unlicensed street vendor caught selling reindeer kabobs
7. Rudolph busted for showing what else he can make glow
6. Noise ordinances violated by Kathie Lee's singing
5. Rowdy teens chasing Frosty the Snowman with a hair dryer
4. Deranged gingerbread man arrested after several hours on street corner
shouting "Eat me!"
3. Mrs. Claus nabbed for hooking on 9th Avenue
2. "Send the jaws of life: the old man's got his fat ass stuck in a chimney
again"
1. Elfjacking10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:
1. "I really don't deserve this."As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped,
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"Uncle Claudie is Coming to Town
(Sung to the tune "Santa Claus is Coming to Town")
You better lock up
the kiddies today
A lusty old gent
is heading your way-
Uncle Claudie is coming to town!
He's got a big smile
He's giving out toys
He's hot as can be
For underage boys-
Uncle claudie is coming to town!
He's such a jolly fellow
He's always full of fun
He'll lure your kid
in-to his room
for a game of ONE on ONE!
And should he strike out
he doesn't much care
The internet's filled
with kiddie porn there--
Uncle Claudie is coming to town!The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady
about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled
very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for
Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,''
smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Well, well, well …8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think — I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don’t like:
1. “I really don’t deserve this.”
Submitted by zanny.
Now that the holidays are over, are you looking for
something, nay, *anything* to do with those f$#&@*%
fruitcakes them moron cousins from Georgia send you
every g@&d#$% year?!?
TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words pin cushion.Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
AND SO DO IOn Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise
And said as he sat on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret. Tell it to me."
He leaned up and whispered in Santa's good ear
"How do you do it, year after year?"
"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.
How is it, Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys
You have plenty for all of the world's girls and boys?
Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way
around the whole world, The reindeer pulling your sleigh
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?"
And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions. Don't you want a toy?"
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He told that small boy with the light in his eyes,
"My secret will make you sadder and wise.
"The truth is that my sack is magic. Inside
It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.
But although I do visit each girl and each boy
I don't always leave them a gaily wrapped toy.
Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad,
Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.
Some homes are broken, and the children there grieve.
Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?
"My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,
But for homes where despair lives toys aren't enough.
So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl and boy,
And I pray with them that they'll be given the joy
Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives
In the heart of the dear child who gets not, but gives.
"If only God hears me and answers my prayer,
When I visit next year, what I will find there
Are homes filled with peace, and with giving, and love
And boys and girls gifted with light from above.
It's a very hard task, my smart little brother,
To give toys to some, and to give prayers to others.
But the prayers are the best gifts, the best gifts indeed,
For God has a way of meeting each need.
"That's part of the answer. The rest, my dear youth,
Is that my sack is magic. And that is the truth.
In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve day
More love than a Santa could ever give away.
The sack never empties of love, or of joys
`Cause inside it are prayers, and hope. Not just toys.
The more that I give, the fuller it seems,
Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.
"And do you know something? You've got a sack, too.
It's as magic as mine and it's inside of you.
It never gets empty, it's full from the start.
It's the center of lights, and love. It's your heart.
And if on this Christmas you want to help me,
Don't be so concerned with the gifts 'neath your tree.
Open that sack called your heart, and share
Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care."
The light in the small boy's eyes was glowing.
"Thanks for your secret. I've got to be going."
"Wait, little boy," Said Santa, "don't go.
Will you share? Will you help? Will you use what you know?"
And just for a moment the small boy stood still,
Touched his heart with his small hand and whispered, "I will."10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.It was Christmas Eve and Ron had still not bought anything for his
for Christmas. So, on his way home, he stopped at that famous
department store, Nacy's.
I'll just get her some nice perfume, he thought, as he entered the
store. Walking up to the perfume counter, Ron said, "I'm looking
for a nice perfume for my wife for Christmas."
The cosmetics clerk said, "Certainly, we have several very fine
perfumes." And she proceeded to show him a bottle of "Elegance",
$75 an ounce.
"That's a bit out of my price range," Ron said.
The clerk returned a moment later with another perfume, "Leave
Him Wondering", for only $35 an ounce.
"That's still quite a lot," he grumbled.
So the clerk brought out a bottle of "Smells Like Heaven", only $20
an ounce.
At this, Ron grew a bit angry. "Geez," he exclaimed, "Can't you
show me something real cheap?"
In response, the clerk handed him a mirror.Items Needed:
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallot
Safety Goggles
WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!)
Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.
Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber
mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot!
Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't
break anything.
For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on
top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30
minutes).
Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the
timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the cells
The convicts were locked up
All madder than hell
Except for the lifers
Kicked back in their bunks
Heads filled with visions
Of fat little punks
When suddenly from the roof top
There arose such a roar
That the bulls thought it was
A riot for sure
The goon squad ran in
And stood ready to hit
A big guard yelled out
Who started this sh*t
It came from the roof top
Sniveled a snitch
It must be a breakout
Oh, son of a bitch
They climbed to the roof
By way of the stairs
Found a fat little freak
In red underwear
No, No yelled the dude
I bring you good cheer
Damn said the Captain
We found us a queer
Alright mother f**ker
Get your hands on the wall
They shook him down good
Asshole and all
They beat him and threw him
Into the hole with a kick
Well so much for Christmas
They locked up St. NickCHRISTMESS: Five minutes after the gifts are opened!
From ELLISS@TEN-NASH.TEN.K12.TN.USSun Feb 11 23:58:24 1996 ST:TNG NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip; The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely, In hope that no aliens would get up early. The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks (Except for the few who were partying drunks); And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace, Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face. When out in the halls there arose such a racket, That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket. Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun, Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!" The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din, Gave a luster of Hades to objects within. When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold, But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old. But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew, That we knew in a moment it had to be Q. His sleigh grew larger as closer he came. Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name; "It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc! It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke! To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall! Now float away, float away, float away all!" As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street, So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet, And up the ceiling our bodies they flew, As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!" The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin, And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again. As we took in our plight and were looking around, The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground. The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe, Appeared once again to continue the show. "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!" And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!" "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q. "I just wanted to spend Christmas with you." As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack. He dumped out the contents, and took a step back. "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere. There's something delightful for everyone here." He sat on the floor and dug into the pile, And handed out gifts with his most charming smile. "For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain, Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain. For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great, And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date. For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus: For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss. For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie, And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way." Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face, And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space. But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
In reference to "Santa is a woman"
Santa is a man.
It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man.
Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was
trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her
underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring
equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were
going to celebrate it on.
It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as
Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and
(usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task
would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football
schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or
worse yet... there might not be any football at all.
(Shudder) That's a scary thought.
If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It
would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed
(for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try
harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never
happen. Once she got underway, she'd be too busy talking on
the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around
the world to every girl and boy's house in a single year,
let alone a single night.
If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be
unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or
aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be
none of the noise making, shoot 'em up, battery operated
windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete
with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody
could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on
improving one's self esteem. Christmas just wouldn't be the
same.
I'll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND
a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer...
Dasher, Comet, Blitzen... If those aren't male names for
football players, than I'm an elf.- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah - The Megamix
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So LuckyBest wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for
the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their
own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a
religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the
generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect
for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions
have helped make our society great, without regard to the race,
creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or with-
drawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement
any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility
for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to
those not caught up in the holiday spirit.The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective
on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men
from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so
excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all
about the very first Christmas in Sunday School today! There
wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on
camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to
have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"Der night next vas Christmas
Der Night it vas still;
Der shtockings ver hung
By der chimney to fill.
Noddink vas shturring
At all in der house
For fear do Saint Nicholas
Vas nix komm heraus.
Der childrun ver dried
Und gone to der bed
Und mutter in nightgown
Und I on ahead
Vas searching around
In der trunk for der toys
Und ve crept around kviet
Not to make any noise.
Now mutter vas carrying
All der toys in her gown
Und showink her person
From up her vaist down
Venn as ve komm near
Der crip uff our boy
Our youngest und shveetest
Our pride und our choy.
His eyes ver vide open
As he peeked from his cot
Und seen efferytink dot
His mutter has got.
But he didn't even notice
Der toys in her lap.
He chust asked, "Vot is
Dat liddle fur cap?"
Und mutter said, "Hush"
Und den laffed mit delight
"I tink I giff dot
To you fotter tonight."'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our Doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of despair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"No longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'"Q. What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A. There is no L (noel)The Night Before Solstice
Twas the night before solstice and all through the co-op Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, Dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain breads.
We'd welcomed the winter that day after school By dancing and drumming and burning the Yule,
A more meaningful gesture to honor the planet Than buying more trinkets for Mom or Aunt Janet,
Or choosing a tree just to murder and stump it And deck it all out like a seasonal strumpet.
My spouse and I, having turned down the heat, Slipped under the covers for some well-deserved sleep,
When from out on the lawn there came such a roar I slipped from my futon and rolled to the floor.
I crawled to the window and pulled back the latch, And muttered, "Aw, where is that Neighborhood Watch?"
I saw there below through the murk of the night A sleigh and eight reindeer, challenged of height.
At the reins of that sleigh sat a mean-hearted knave Who treated each deer like some personal slave.
I'd seen him before in some ads for car loans, Plus fast food, soft drinks and cellular car phones.
He must have cashed in from these mercantile chores, Since self-satisfaction just oozed from his pores.
He called each by name, as if 'twere his right To treat them like chattel enhancing his might:
"Now Donner, now Blitzen," and other such aliases, Showing his true Euro-centrical biases.
With a snap of his fingers away they all flew, Like Democrats served up brie or tofu.
Up to the rooftop they carried the sleigh (The damage to my shingles is there to this day).
Out bounded the man, who went straight to the flue. I knew in an instant just what I should do.
After donning my slippers, downstairs did I dash To see this trespasser emerge from the ash.
His clothes were all covered with soot, well of course, >From our wood-fueled alternative energy source.
Through the grime I distinguished the make of his duds-- He was trimmed all in fur, fairly dripping with blood!
"We're a cruelty-free house!" I proclaimed with such heat He was startled and tripped on the logs at his feet.
He stood back up dazed, but with mirth in his eyes. It was then that I noticed his unhealthy size.
He was almost as wide as when standing erect, A lover of fatty fried foods, I suspect.
But that wasn't all to make sane persons choke: In his teeth sat a pipe that was belching out smoke!
I could scarcely believe what had invaded our house-- This carcinogenic and overweight louse
Was so red in the face from his energy spent, I expected a coronary right there and then.
Behind him he toted a red velvet bag Full to exploding with sinister swag.
He asked, "Where is your tree?" with a face somewhat long. I said, "Out in the yard, which is where it belongs."
"But where will I put all the presents I've brought?" I looked at him squarely and said, "Take the whole lot
To some frivolous people who think that they need To succumb to the sickness of commerce and greed,
Whose only joy comes from the act of consuming, Thus sending the value of retail stocks booming."
He blinked and said, "Ho, ho, ho! But you're kidding." I gave him a stare that was stern and forbidding.
"Surely children need something with which to have fun? Or it's like childhood's over before it's begun."
He looked in my eyes for some sign of assent, But I strengthened my will and refused to relent.
"They have plenty of fun," I cut to the gist, "And your mindless distractions have never been missed.
They take CPR so that they can save lives, And they go door-to-door on used clothing drives.
They recycle, renew, reuse and reveal For saving the planet's a laudable zeal.
When they padlock themselves to a fence to protest Against nuclear power, we think they're the best."
He said, "But they're children--lo, when do they play?" I countered, "Is that why you've come in your sleigh,
"To bring joy to the hearts of each child and tot? All right, open your bag; let's see what you've got."
He sheepishly did as I'd asked and behold! A Malibu Barbie in a skirt of gold.
"You think that my girls will like playing with this, An icon of sexist, consumerist kitsch?
With its unnat'ral figure and airheaded grin, This trollop makes every girl yearn to be thin,
And take up fad diets, bingeing and purging Instead of respecting her own body's urging
To welcome the shape that her body has found And rejoice to be lanky, short, skinny or round."
Deep from his satchel he produced up a toy, Saying, "This is a hit with most every boy."
And what did he put in my trembling hand But a gun from the BrainBlaster Power Command!
"It's a 'hit,' to be sure," I sneered in his face, "And a plague and a pox on the whole human race!
How 'bout grenades or some working bazookas To turn all of our kids into half-wit palookas?"
I seized on his bag just to see for myself The filth being spread by this odious elf.
An Easy-Bake Oven--ah, goddess, what perfidy! To hoodwink young girls into household captivity!
Plus an archer play set with shafts that fly out, The very thing to put a child's eye out.
And toy metal tractors, steam shovels and cranes For destroying woodlands and scarring the plains,
Plus "games" like Monop'ly, Pay Day, Tycoon, As if lessons in greed can't start up too soon.
And even more weapons from BrainBlasters Co., Like cannons and nun-chucks and ray guns that glow.
That's all I could find in his red velvet sack-- Perverseness and mayhem to set us all back.
"We need none of this," I announced in a huff, "No 'business-as-usual' holiday stuff.
"We sow in our offspring more virtue than this. Your goods are things that they'll never miss."
The big man's expression was a trifle bereaved As he shouldered his pack and got ready to leave.
"I pity the kids who grow up around here, Who're never permitted to be of good cheer,
Who aren't allowed leisure for leisure's own sake, But must fret every minute--it makes my heart ache!"
"Enough histrionics! Don't pity our kids If they don't do as Macys or Toys 'R' Us bids.
They live by their principles first and foremost And know what's important," to him I did boast.
"Pray, could I meet them?" "Oh no, they're not here. By now, they're on the roof, liberating your deer!"
At that Santa sputtered and pointed his finger But, mad as he was, he had no time to linger.
He flew up the chimney like smoke from a fire, And up on the roof I heard voices get higher.
I ran outside the co-op to see him react To my children's responsible, kindhearted act.
He chased them away, and disheartened, dismayed, He rehitched his reindeer (who'd docilely stayed).
I watched with delight as he scooted off then; He'd be too embarrassed to come back again.
But with parting disdain, do you know what he said, This overweight huckster when he took off in his sled?
This reindeer enslaver, this exploiter of elves? "Happy Christmas to all, but get over yourselves!!"Day 1
Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las
night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear
tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2
Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got
was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made
some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3
Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating
dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs.
Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog,
Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her
fighting rooster.
Day 4
Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four,
what you call "calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all
da' way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed
the rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5
Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden
rings, me. I hocked dem at da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough
money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da
boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6
Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor
egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try
to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem
goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da' house, though.
I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on
Christmas Day.
Day 7
Dear Emile, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you.
Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap
from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone
will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan
loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from
Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8
Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat
to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got
spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan
like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting
fish and sweeping my shack--but dey say it wasn't in their
contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria
I caught las night.
Day 9
Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da
Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping
across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and
crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well la di da.
You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emile, what I'm gonna
feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow
ate up all my turnip green.
Day 10
Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't
kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from
Bourbon Street. Dey said they be ladies dancing" but they doan act
like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left
after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my outhouse.
I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and get
toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for dem
hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.
Day 11
Dear Emile, Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping
arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off
da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da
whiskey, and we're having a fais-do-do. Da' new mailman drank a
bottle of Jack Daniel, and he's having a good old time dancing with
the floozies. Da' old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge
yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious
looking, ticking package in da mail, don't open it.
Day 12
Dear Emile, Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love
anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, the
head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen's club
on the bayou. The floozies--pardon me--ladies dancing can make $20
for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park
da boats. Since da' maids have no more cows to milk, I trained
dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping
business. We'll probably gross a million dollars next year.A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that
it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of
the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge,
stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to
privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database.
The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr.
Claus' organization to determine which children are considered
naughty or nice.
It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we
have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus
has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent
the free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which
reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness' sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from a worker in
the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, "Clearly
shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to
free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns
about the security of the information. What would be the result of
such a database being made available to other law enforcement
agencies around the world?"
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a
vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside
the Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of
parents, ministers, and teachers are involved in this business and
we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for
a lighter sentence." In addition, the same sources indicated a
parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible
charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "Our records do not
show Mr. Claus, or any one else, paying any import duties or taxes
on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives
in all of the States of the Union, we believe he should have to
pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His
supporters are from around the world and his message of love and
respect can, in no way, be taken as a for of "mind control" or a
violation of the "civil rights of children."
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country with which the United
States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where
Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at
his North Pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find
the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be
rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe
the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this
year.Every week they drop another grand
(sung to the tune of Winter wonder land)
There it stands ... the casino;
Mom's inside ... playing keno
She's there night and day
She can't stay away
Every week ... she drops another grand
See my dad ... roll the dice there
With his luck ... cold as ice there
He doubles his bets
as well as his debts;
Every week ... he drops another grand.
Yesterday they repossessed
our Taurus
Dad's now cashing out his I-R-A
Things are even worse for cousin Horace
Beaten up by bookies he can't pay
Christmas Eve ... there's no tree here;
Folks are gone ...there's just me here
They're trying once more
to make a big score
You can bet that they'll drop another grandThe U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any
religious reason though.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin
in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding
enough asses to fill the stable.You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.
He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.
So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.1. Go to the crafts store.
2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of
paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.
3. Return home.
4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-
out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better
yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it
for insulation in the attic.
5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the
disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently
pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter." Let dry.
6. Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.
7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding
the fruit.
8. Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and
finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a
warm glow to the "fruitcake."
9. Give your "fruitcake" to someone you want to impress.
When they lift it, they'll say, "Wow! You must have made a
really rich fruitcake!" Don't forget to smile and say, "Oh, its
Paris-style fruitcake."
10. Don't worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake.
Nobody actually eats fruitcake... that's just a rumor. Just so
you know, the dried fruit won't go "bad" because it has the
same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of
about 237 years.
Special note: Make sure to sign your initials on the bottom of
your masterpiece-- just in case someone tries to give YOU a
"Paris-style fruitcake" next year...Maury's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time
he visited her, he made sure to wear one.
As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's
the matter? You didn't like the other one?"Q: Why did the elf sleep in the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME....
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter,
usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain
their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known -- ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass
man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and
not get lost.Why did Santa Claus go to jail?
For laying Barbie under the tree...Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House")
a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief
that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter ("Claus")
would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House,
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma
had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said
House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause
and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree
of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle")
being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the
animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer").
(Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the
Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of
unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission,
either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus
entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a
portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute
"gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the
roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus
from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state
and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted,Kids! Too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to
Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do
the heavy lifting for you!
Dear...... [Santa Claus] [Saint Nicolas] [Father Christmas]
[Pagan Troll] [Obese Trespassing Altruist] [Satan Claus - Devourer
of Children's Souls],
This year, I have been a very...... [good] [bad] [materialistic]
[passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled] little......
[boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon]. I have......
[not] [sometimes] [compulsively] ...... [lied] [cheated]
[embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered], and I have...... [always]
[often] [rarely] [never] helped my...... [mommy] [daddy] [grandma]
[grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other
daddy] with their...... [chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid
schemes] [colostomy bag]. And I always say thank you, which makes
me...... [nice] [polite] [seem like I care] and so I deserve lots
of...... [love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants]
this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life For
my mommy, please bring...... [perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [fruit
leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a
vise]. For my daddy, please bring a new...... [neck tie] [razor]
[money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription] [topaz-studded
ass plug]. For my...... [big] [little]...... [brother] [sister],
please bring......[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos]
[GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a diaphragm]
[a subscription to Guns & Ammo]. For my...... [doggy] [hamster]
[ferret], please bring...... [a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater]
[kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non-
surgical sterilization]. Oh and for my...... [baby sitter]
[mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker], please bring
some...... [fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work
ethic].
Now about me! Please bring me all of the...... [Harry Potter]
[Scooby Doo] [Spider Man] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants]
[Anna Nicole Smith]...... [action figures] [videos] [breakfast
cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper], and
front row tickets to...... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron
Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] plus
backstage passes so I can get...... [autographs] [behind the
scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]! Oh, and please don’t
forget to bring my...... [pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony]
[Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0] [amputee Afghan orphan]. But if you
can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really
really want is just...... [$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000]
[$1,000,000] [$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]!
Anyway, I hope you like the...... [cookies] [cake] [pudding]
[Jell-O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.
[Love],
[Sincerely],
[Yours],
[Breathlessly],
[ insert name here ]
PS Please say...... [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas] to......
[Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus] [Ralph, the heartless
Elfin slavemaster].
PPS Oh yeah, and remember [insert name here]? [He] [She] has been
a really......[naughty] [selfish] [corrupt] [perverted]
[homicidal]...... [dork] [weener] [cry-baby] [coprophile]
[vivisection] hobbyist all year long and doesn't deserve any
Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put...... [coal]
[sticks] [homework] [dog sh*t] [ebola] in their stocking.
Thanks!Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?
A: It's in Decembrrrrr.One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"
9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really
think he knows which one is which?"
8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE!"
7. "Sure...HIS seat is a floatation device. What about us?"
6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."
5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I’m beat."
4. "HEY!" Watch the antlers there, buddy!"
3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"
2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingle bells
really get annoying!"
1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer
games?"Fill the House
(sung to the tune of Deck the Halls)
Fill the house with jubilation!
fa la la la la la la la la
Billy Bob is on probation
Fa la la la la la la la la
Ellie slept with brother Chester!
Fa la la la la la la la la
Now she's in her 3rd trimester
Fa la la la la la la la la
Give a cheer--we're all together
Fa la la la la la la la la
Claire is into whips and leather
Fa la la la la la la la la
Roy has formed his own milita
Fa la la la la la la la la
Clem's a pimp for cousin Tric
Fa la la la la la la la la
gather round and give a blessing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Uncle Fred is still cross-dressing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Jeff is on the floor with Donna
Fa la la la la la la la la
Stoned on home-grown marijuana
Fa la la la la la la la la
Join our Christmas celebration--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Make our house your destination--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Every year's a real hum-dinger--
Fa la la la la la la la la
Cacth us soon on Jerry Springer
Fa la la la la la la la la* Rudolph the Red-turbaned Ayatollah
* Kwanza Klaus is Coming to Town
* Don't ask, Don't tell Santa's new Elf Policy
* What's a Buddhist to Do'dist time of Year?
* Tim Burton's It's a Wonderful Life II -
starring Dr. Jack Kevorkian
* The Ghost of Chanukahs Past
* A Very Brady Kwanza
* March of the Toy Iraqi Soldiers
* A Charlie Brown Non-Secular, Atheist, Holiday Gathering
* How the Grinch Stole RamadanIn a small Southern town there was a Nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She looked skeptically at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my
face she said, "See, it says right here, '...three wise men came from afar.'"Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE ... I PRAY FOR A NEW XBOX ... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD-PLAYER ..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise
Women instead of three Wise Men ?
Women would say:
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought
practical gifts.
Here's Men's rebuttal.....
Yeah, and do you know what they said would have said when they
left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in the
house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole
dish back?"'Twas the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh
A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh
And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.
On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days
And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer
To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein
"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."
Very Rough Translations of yiddish:
zeckel= bag * maidlach = girl * peckel = coin
meichel = meal * beichel = stomach * kinder = children
balbusta = lady of the house (usually a very nice description)
mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament
attached to right side of the door jam
zeit = life * nosh = snack* stuffed derma = cow intestines
flanken = flank steak
blintzes = rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with
fruit & cottage cheese (or something similar)
bissel = a little piece * lox = smoked salmon (fish)
bialy = kind of roll, sold with bagels * chaleh = bread
gatkes = guts * latkes = potato pancakes
dreidel = special spinning top, with hebrew letters on the side,
used for a game at Chanukah
menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle lighting
mazel = luck
gelt = coins
schnorrer: cheapskate, typically used to descibe someone
who always takes, but never gives anything backOne Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle
of a pasture. A shepard leading his flock decided to take a
shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of
the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepard began
tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to
pull the wool over our ice!"To All Retired Military Personnel
Subject Official Command Visit
This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa
Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will
govern activities of personnel during this visit
1. No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all
native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly
room.
2. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 220
hours. Uniform for nap pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief,
general purpose.
3. Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their
heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.
4. Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care.
Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual
sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours,
22 December.
5. At first sign of clatter from lawn, all personnel will spring from their
beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to
tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.
6. Volunteers are needed to drive one sleigh, miniature, and eight (8) deer,
rein, tiny, for use of Gen. Claus. Driver must have current rooftop license.
7. Gen. Claus will enter all sections through chimneys. Sections without
chimneys will draw a Chimney Simulator from Link Services for use during
ceremonies. Requests must be submitted in triplicate prior to 20 December.
8. All personnel will be rehearsed in shouting "Merry Christmas to all, and
to all a good night." This shout will be given upon termination of Gen.
Claus' visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of all section
chiefs.
-- (signed) Ebenezer Scrooge, Colonel, USAF, CommanderI hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass
commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season
when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and
annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10
pounds.
You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday
eating do's and don'ts...eliminate second helpings, high-calorie
sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.
Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a
carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot
is something you leave for Rudolph.
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if
you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't
make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can...and quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer
than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of
year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's
Holiday Time!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point
of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a
volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's
like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's food for free...lots of it.
Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing
else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound
plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like
a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind.
You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I
mean, have some standards, woman! (Unless it was my Mom's
fruitcake, then you have to have two thin slices. Must've
been the rum she soaked it in for 2 months.)
10. And one final tip If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless
January is just around the corner.10. There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special".
9. Eight days of presents
8. No need to clean the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
1. Latkes are easier to mail than fruitcakes.15. There's a two-month waiting list for Santa voodoo dolls at
the North Pole employee gift shop.
14. All of this year's rocking horses are sporting a fifth "leg."
13. They punch out Santa's lights before he even gets to the
second "ho."
12. Come Christmas morning, more than one unlucky tyke will be
unwrapping a container of brown, smelly Play-Doh.
11. All the "Sorry!" games have been repackaged as "In Your Face,
Loser!" games.
10. Rather than taking the time to master the latest technological
advances, they simply pack every PlayStation 2 box with a
Hustler and a jar of Vaseline.
9. Sewing a teddy bear is hard work. Catching a bear cub at the
North Pole is easy. You do the math.
8. Rudolph, elated at finally being invited to join in some
reindeer games, instead finds himself confronted by shotgun-
toting elves.
7. Several of them were caught on video adding real urine to the
"wet baby" dolls.
6. The See 'n Say little Cassie received is teaching her that
the duck says, "Santa blows," and the cow goes, "Get lost,
kid."
5. Santa's elf-prepared road trip CD for Christmas Eve? Nothin'
but "It's a Small World."
4. Five of them pitched a new show to FOX: "Elf Eye for the Fat
Guy."
3. Cigarette burns on Barbie's posterior.
2. The only reason they ride the Norelco shavers over the snow
these days is to get to a liquor store.
1. This year the kids on the "naughty" list are receiving lumps
of koala.You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points) You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out) You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points) You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction). You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party) You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car) After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year). Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.20-30: You are just a cheeseball.30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on
slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the
sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).
Q: Why does Santa use Elves?
A: There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?
A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer
named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend
towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a geronto-
phile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.
Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?
A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole
has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask
the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this
is related to the cryptic description "up where the sun don't shine", which
applies to both the North Pole and *ssh*les in general.
Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say
"Made on the North Pole"? ("Made in China", more likely)
Q: Then what does he DO all year?
A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his
winters in Florida.
Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?
A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he
doesn't take stress too well).
Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the
fact they have a tree up theirs)?
A: Little angels are known to be kinky.
Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.
Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits
little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that
lacks basic security measures?
A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.'Twas the night before Jesus came and all through the house
Not a creature was praying, not one in the house.
Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care
In hopes that Jesus would not come there.
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.
And Mom in her rocker with baby on her lap
Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.
When out of the East there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.
With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray
I knew in a moment this must be The Day!
The light of His face made me cover my head
It was Jesus! returning just like He had said.
And though I possessed worldly wisdom and wealth
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself.
In the Book of Life which He held in His hand
Was written the name of every saved man.
He spoke not a word as He searched for my name;
When He said "It's not here" my head hung in shame.
The people whose names had been written with love
He gathered to take to His Father above.
With those who were ready He rose without a sound
While all the rest were left standing around.
I fell to my knees, but it was too late;
I had waited too long and this sealed my fate.
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight;
Oh, if only I had been ready tonight.
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear;
The coming of Jesus is drawing near.
There's only one life and when comes the last call
We'll find that the Bible was true after all!
-- Author UnknownThree guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.
St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."
The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.
"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.
"They're candles!"
"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.
"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.
"They're bells!"
"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"
The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.
Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"
"They're Carol's!"'Twas The Night Before Christmas
And All Through The House
Everybody Felt Shitty
Even The Mouse.
Dad's At the Whorehouse
And Mom's Smoking Grass
I'd Just Settled Down
For A Warm Piece Of Ass.
When Out On The Lawn
I Heard Such A Clatter
I Sprung For My Piece
To See What Was The Matter.
Then Out On The Lawn
I Saw A Big Red Dick. I Knew
In A Moment It Must
Be Saint Nick.
He Came Down The Chimney
Like A Bat Out Of Hell
I Knew In A Moment
The Fucker Had Fell.
He Filled All Our Stockings
With Pretzels And Beer
And A Big Rubber Dick
For My Brother The Queer.
He Shot Up The Chimney
With A Thunderous Fart
The Son Of A Bitch
Blew The Chimney Apart.
He Swore And He Cursed
As He Rode Out Of Sight
Piss On You All
And Have A Hell Of A Night!"... the nativity scene you set up in your yard includes two pink
flamingos and the baby Jesus ... lyin' in a painted tire.... the nativity scene you set up in your yard includes two pink
flamingos and the baby Jesus ... lyin' in a painted tire.Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!
You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like goat.
You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?
Hey, do you either of you know why "MYRRH" is spelled with a
"Y" instead of a "U"?
Okay, whose camel just spit?
All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch
of my special hand-print cookies.
I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove.
In that micro-second, Fluffy climbed onto the table, poked her paw
into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance,
fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups
of sugar, three sticks of butter. Of course, it would have been
cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and
just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....On a
trip to the vet clinic.
Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I
didn't. Damages? $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so
the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Fluffy had taste-
tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of
embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly 'tail' in slightly
less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...13
ornaments on my Christmas tree.
My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches.
My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while
Fluffy feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know that she
was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken
bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...A statue
in my Lenox Nativity.
Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity
figurines $55.99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...The kid
across the street who collects for charity.
It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch
someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I
settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's
blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their
choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers
for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...The
presents beneath my Christmas tree.
It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a
discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Fluffy's stocking.
Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent
aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs $3.99 for another
roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1
each for the kind of bows Fluffy can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...The
earrings I bought for my sister Mary.
Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in
her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more
appealing gift. Sale price $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...Replace my
E and G guitar strings.
Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the
middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Fluffy thought
so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of
the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the
way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous
escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for
the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get
stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our
annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings
$12.95; jar of petroleum jelly 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...My
Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete
key.
Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line $17.50. And I
still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me.....The remote
control from my 13-inch TV.
This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the
power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials,
including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of
"It's a Wonderful Life" $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great
cats" $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological
profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....The
drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey.
OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should
have uttered those now infamous words "Your first turkey, Fluffy.
Want to try just a little piece?" Cost Christmas Dinner.
On the 12th day of Christmas........Fluffy rested.
And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.National Federation of Uniformed Elves
Main Office, North Pole
Female Elf Employment Application
1. Name ________________
2. Present Address ____________________
3. Age ___ (If under 100, parental permission is required)
4. Height ______ (If over 3 feet 6 inches, please attach waiver
application)
5. Present Occupation ____________ (If politician, forget it!)
6. Hobbies ______________________________
(If boys, boys, boys, do you like "little, little" boys?)
7. Professional Qualifications ______________________________
(Can you cook, sew, clean and other things male chauvinist
elves get off on?)
8. References ______________________________
(No religious references please. They tend to lead us astray.)
9. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting a
reindeer?
Yes ( ) No ( ) (if yes, you need not apply!)
10. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting little
elves?
Yes ( ) No ( ) (If yes, when can you start?)
11. Please list FIVE "personal" references. All must be older
than 10 and still believe in Santa Claus. (Good Luck!)
NFUE Form 69
Dec 1994 (Previous Versions Obsolete)'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS - SANTA's PISSED VERSION ___________________________________ Twas the Night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down the list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks, I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my butt for almost a year, instead of "Thanks Santa!" - What do I hear?
The old lady bitches, cause I work late at night, The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight!
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids, Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better Those jerks from IRS sent me a letter.
It says I owe taxes.. if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days- they are all the pits They want the impossible.. those mean little twits!
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls, their arms, legs, and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's - no request for them. They all want computers.. they think I'm IBM!
If you think that is bad.. just picture this.. Try holding those little brats, with their pants full of piss.
They pull at your nose, they grab at my beard And if I don't smile, the parent's think that I'm weird.
Flying though the air, dodging the trees. Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quittin this job, there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat butt and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason.. I've found me a blonde... I'm going south for the season!It was Hanukkah and the tiny village was in fear of not having any
latkes because they had run out of flour.
Rudi, the rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.
He said, "Don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour,
and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty, you think it'll
work?"
"Of course! Everybody knows Rudolph the Reb knows grain, dear!"'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mouse intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur.CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE:
Live tree, planted after use
MALE:
Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE:
Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY:
Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE:
Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE:
Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE:
Elegant flickering candles
REALITY:
Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE:
Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE:
Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE:
Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY:
Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE:
Empower each strand with self-determining skills
MALE:
Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE:
Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY:
More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE:
Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE:
Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE:
Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY:
Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner?
YUPPIE:
Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE:
Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it...and beer
FEMALE:
A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY:
Chinese carry-out or McDonald'sRule #1
When in doubt - buy him a Star Wars book. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 copies of "The Wookie
Cookies Cookbook" and he has yet to complain. As a geek, you
can never have too many Star Wars books. No one knows why.
Rule #2
If you cannot afford a Star Wars book, buy him anything with an
acronym in it. Geeks love saying those acronyms. "Hey, George!
Can I borrow your PS2 to USB adapter?" "OK. By-the-way, are you
through with my PC2100 DDR RAM tester yet?" Again, no one knows
why.
Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his game
system. A crappy third-party DDR pad, a whacky looking joystick,
or any game from the bargain bin. Geeks love gifts for their game
systems. No one knows why.
Rule #4
Do not buy geeks cologne. Do not buy geeks ties. And never buy
geeks designer shoes. I was told that if God had wanted geeks to
wear decent clothes, he wouldn't have invented sweatpants.
Rule #5
You can buy geeks new remote controls to for their computer. If
you have a lot of money, buy your geek a big-screen TV that can
hook up to the computer with an ergonomic chair. Watch him go
wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6
Do not buy a geek any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, you will
have to listen to the many different concoctions they did at the
Microsoft Party.
Rule #7
Buy industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm
told they will appreciate the efficiency and savings.
Rule #8
Do not buy geeks label makers. Within a couple of weeks, there
will be sighs because they will be lamenting for the newest model
with Ethernet and modem ports so that he can create labels
remotely. No one knows why.
Rule #9
Never buy a geek anything that says "for outside use" on the box.
It will ruin his Special Day and he will always stick it in the
closet.
Rule #10
Good places to shop for geeks include Electronics Boutique, Sun-
coast Video, Circuit City, Fry’s Electronics, Barnes and Noble, and
pricewatch.com. (Online stores for "Lord of the Rings" merchandise
are also excellent geek stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't
know what it is. "From "Lord of the Rings", eh? Must be something
I wanted. Hey! Isn't this genuine orc hair? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11
Geeks enjoy stupidity. That's why they never make mistakes of their
own (*cough*) - but they will enjoy others’ stupidity. Get him the
complete Monty Python Collection. Or point him to complaint
pages by AOLers. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants to be
p//33n3d?"
Rule #12
Tickets to a cheesy kung fu movie are a smart gift. However, he
will not appreciate tickets to the WWF. Everyone knows why.
Rule #13
Geeks love personal electronics. But never, ever, buy a geek you
love a laptop. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8
and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14
It's hard to beat a really processor upgrade or an ergonomic
keyboard. Never buy a real geek a regular keyboard. It must be
an ergonomic keyboard. No one knows why.
Rule #15
Photoshop. Geeks love Photoshop. It takes us back to the days when
pasting your face on the body of a model was funny or at least
desperate. Nothing says love like Adobe Photoshop 6.0. No one
knows why.December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires
are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time
for Christmas.
I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee.
Now that Santa's arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in
front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Q. How come Santa and Mrs. Claus don't have children?
A. Santa spends all his time with elves and fairies.
Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are "Peace on Earth", "Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."
Overheard in Santa's Toyshop: "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries
are for the children's toys!!"What is the difference between snowmen and snowomen? Snowballs.
"Felicitations Concomitant with Your Observance of the Season and Many
Propitious Initions in the Forthcoming Twelvemonth"Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don’t worry. I’m just fine considering I can’t breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I’ve sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you’ll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they’ll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she’s never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it’s time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don’t you worry about me. I’m also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don’t you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is — the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
Submitted by zanny.
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?""No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?""That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her
students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning
him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape
from it.
After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to
draw a picture about the story.
Most of the pictures were predictable, but Larry's had an odd
element in it. "Larry, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus
on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"Flea...? Ah...what flea?" asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse, "Take Mary
and Jesus and flea to Egypt." he said. "There's Mary, there's
Jesus, and there's the flea."Another "ping",
Are you listenin'?
The puter screen,
Is a glistenin'.
With icons so bright,
They light up the night,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
Gone away,
Are the hall talks.
Here to stay,
Is the IN-BOX.
Flagged "urgent, please read!",
And "answer with speed!".
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start to add up.
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.
10 P.M.,
You're not tired.
The caffeine,
Has got you wired.
The day's not complete,
Till the last delete,
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!
In the morning e-mails start to add up,
No lunch today cause messages abound.
Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can't do your job if it goes down.
Until you,
Are retired,
The same old grind,
It is required.
You'll face unafraid,
That message parade.
Welcome to the e-mail wonderland1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close
door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer
since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present
came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach,
and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky
tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as
possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing
last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right
size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and
re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area
of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down
tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate
with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on
making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to
lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door
is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they
try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn
thing for you.1. Trim his tree.
2. Lick his luscious candy cane.
3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.
4. Polish his christmas balls.
5. Ride him like a reindeer.
6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.
7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.
8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.
9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.
10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!
11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.
12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingere.
13. Unwrap his package.
14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.
15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.
16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.
17. Heat him up with a snow job.
18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.
19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.
20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear
to the office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it
a job requirement.
4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!
5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...that is when you
giggled...like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with
your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho!
Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip
showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on
milk and cookies all day long.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your
children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to
sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not
pout.As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert this Christmas (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source: your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat on Christmas Day, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses during the college bowl system.
Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running/jogging hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.TOY STORE: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
A Texas jeweller store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything ... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful,
personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of
the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have
helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater
than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere),
and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious
faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to
actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void
where prohibited by law. It is also revocable at the sole discretion of the
wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent
holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
The wishee further agrees to hold harmless and indemnify the wisher, along with
its heirs, assigns, officers, directors, shareholders...'Twas the 'Net before Christmas
Santa Claus is modem to town
Up On The Desktop
"Quark," The Herald Angels Sing
Gateway In A Manger
The First AOL
INTEL IT On The Mountain
.COM All Ye Faithful
JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Joy To The World Wide WebDashing through the mall...
On a late December day,
Through the $tores we go
Charging all the way...
Ching ... Ching ... Ching ...
Bell$ on register$ ring
Making checkbook$ light,
Oh, what fun it is to buy up
Everything in $ight!
Ching ... Ching ... Ching ...
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them it's harmony-HEY!
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say "not me"
Dad goes to work each day
Engineering things for flight
But his real job is at home
Refereeing little fights
Mom drives the kids around
In an ancient Caravan
Karate, swimming, children's choir
Espresso in her hand-HEY!
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Our wish to you is that you have
A... Happy... Holi-dayyyyyyyyy.1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They
may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will
appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts.
Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem
to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look
with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a
prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.
Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for
your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- Don't pee on the tree
- Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- Mind your tail when you are near the tree
- If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell
interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them
open
- Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking
hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come
visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but
they also call for some discretion on your part:
- Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- Don't eat off the buffet table
- Beg for goodies subtly
- Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners
will also be important:
- Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other
people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
- Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the
house
- Tolerate children
- Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge
from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DON'T BITE HIM!!A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When
he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows
what it is.
She replies, "Yes... it's breakable."
-- + -- + -- + -- + -- + -- + --
Christmas was fast approaching when Mom reminded her eight-year-old
son that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus.
He seemed unusually resistant to the idea.
"You do believe in Santa, don't you?" Dawn finally asked her son.
He thought hard, then said, "Yes, but I think this is the last year."Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
A: He was waiting for the snow blower.It's that time of year again. You know, all full of holly, HO HO HO and snow. In fact I've just cleared the desktop in preparation for the celebration. Accountants are never too slow in doing their calculations, and this time of year is no exception.A mystery "chain fax" that submits that the Father Christmas myth to scientific analysis has popped up in the City, much to the amusement of money men, who are chuckling at the sight of the bearded old fraud being ruthlessly audited. The analysis calculates that there are possibly 378 million children in the Christian world; at just over 4.1 per household, that's 98.1 million homes. "One presumes that there's at least one good child in each".Time zones give Santa 31 hours of Christmas to work with, which means 822.6 visits per second. "This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, fill the stockings ... [and] get back into
the sleigh."The sleigh itself would have to travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, 650 miles per second. "[The] fastest man made vehicle ... the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second." The sleigh's payload - assuming nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set, weighing 2 lbs, is 321,300 tons and, even if flying reindeer have 10 times the
pulling power of an ordinary reindeer, he will need 214,000 of the beasts.Finally, "353,000 tons, travelling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance ... the lead pair of reindeer (you know, Rudolph and chum) will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy ... per second ... each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously". Santa's whole flying circus, the fax claims, would burn up, like a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere."In conclusion: If Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve .. he's dead now!!"The above may be used in Christmas 1997 as a cost saving exercise, and copies distributed
in lieu of presents to children/grandchildren.
Get the details right (by Stephen Weinstein)
Department of Applied Physics North Pole University Santa's Village, Arctic Ocean Dear cynic: Your report that Santa Claus, the reindeer, or the sleigh, would lack sufficient time to reach every household, would need to carry toys for every child simultaneously, or would produce sonic booms, experience concussions, burst into flames, etc., is false. Santa Claus, the reindeer, and the sleigh travel in polar orbit through space. As they are well above the atmosphere, there is no sonic boom, no friction with the atmosphere, and no heat generation. They do not stop at each house. Instead, Mr. Claus drops the presents from the (still moving) sleigh into the chimneys without stopping the sleigh. The only time that they have to stop is when they periodically reload (take on more presents) at the north pole. As there are no children living anywhere within a several-thousand mile radius of the north pole, they have plenty of time to decelerate gradually, and are not injured. The reason that they travel in a polar orbit and the reason that the toy factory was built at the north pole was to ensure that they would pass the toy factory on every orbit and could reload as often as necessary. They only need to carry enough presents during each orbit for the deliveries that they make during that orbit. However, there is a very real danger that all of us at the north pole face, which may put an end to the toy distribution system. Due to global warming, the polar icecap is melting rapidly. If this is not correct, then our village, including the toy factory, may soon fall into the Arctic Ocean. Please devote your time to assisting us with this problem and stop spreading silly urban legends. Sincerely, (Stephen) "SuperSteve" Weinstein Lu-clausian Professor of Orbital MechanicsChorus:The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities
And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Toy-commercial voice (10): Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
C: Five months of bills,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
C: Five months of bills,
4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.
The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
C: Five months of bills,
4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.Beware Of The Friday 13th Virus
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank.
It will drink all your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over.
It will put a dead aardvark in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Friday 13th Virus will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Friday 13th Virus will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
It will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Friday 13th Virus will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise.
It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others.
It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative.
It cheats at Scrabble.
It can forge your signature.
It plays the bagpipes in your basement.
It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain.
It does bad celebrity impersonations in front of your friends.Afrikaans - 'n Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwejaar
Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees
Albanian -- Gezuar Krishtlindje
American - Merry Christmas
Arabic - I'D MIILAD SAID OUA SANA SAIDA
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque - Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On
Bengali - Bodo Din Shubh Lamona
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Celtic - Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
Chinese -
(Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
(Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
(Hong Kong) Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian - Sretan Bozic
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish - Gladelig Jul
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
English - Merry Christmas
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian - Roomsaid Joulu Puhi
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish - Hyvaa joulua
French - Joyeux Noel
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
German - Froehliche Weihnachten
Greek - Kala Christouyenna!
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi - Bada Din Mubarak Ho
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic - Gledileg Jol
Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Kala- Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian - Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lettish - Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori - Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Navajo - Merry Keshmish
Northern Sotho Matlhatse le matlhogonolo mo ngwageng o moswa.
Norwegian - God Jul Og Godt Nytt Aar
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Papiamento Bon Pasku i Felis Anja Nobo
Pig Latin Errymay ristmaskay nday appyhay ewnay earyay
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
Portuguese - Feliz Natal
Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian - Craciun Fericit
Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom
Serbian - Hristos se rodi
Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scottish - Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Serbian - Hristos se rodi!
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish - Feliz Navidad!
Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt Ar
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh
Waray Maupay nga Pasko ngan Mainuswagon nga Bag-o nga Tu-ig
Welsh - Nadolig Llawen
Zulu -Nginifisela inhlanhla ne mpumelelo e nyakeni
(Editor's note: I can't vouch for all of these, so if something is
wrong, let me know)It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.Way up in his cave north of Who-ville, the Grinch
Was enjoying retirement; life was a cinch.
He played on his PC and tweaked other hacks
And talked of old times with his aged dog, Max.
He rarely went down to the town of the Whos,
Save to stock up on roast beast and Who-hash and booze.
He preferred not to rub on the slow-healing sore
Of his near-theft of Christmas two decades before.
Well, one day as Grinch sat keyboarding on-line,
Some E-mail arrived of intriguing design:
"Please, Mr. Grinch, let me come visit you."
The message was signed by one "Cindy-Lou Who."
"Cindy-Lou Who," though the Grinch, "Cindy-Lou Who,
"Now, who is this Who name of Cindy-Lou Who?"
He scratched his head hard till his memory expanded -
Ah, she'd been the tot who had caught him red-handed.
All those long years ago when, with devilish glee,
He'd been making away with her folks' Christmas tree!
So Grinch swept his cave of its Grinchy debris,
And combed out his fur to receive company.
This Cindy-Lou Who, who was now twenty-two,
A graduate student at East Who-ville U.,
Her voice was no longer the coo of a dove,
But firm and commanding, as if from Above.
She wasted few words in unveiling her plan:
She wanted the Grinch to steal Christmas - again!
"Since your last theft attempt, time has taken its toll;
"Now Who-ville's Christmas deserves to be stole,"
said Cindy-Lou in a most righteous tone
(Grinch captivated by how much she'd grown!).
"Back then when you took all the presents away,
"We Whos nonetheless celebrated the day.
"But now no one holds hands, and nobody sings.
"All we Whos care for is getting more things.
"The radio broadcasts Yule songs in July,
"To pump up the Whos to get out there and buy,
"Lest Christmas morn, when they rise from their sleep,
"The gifts 'neath the tree aren't eleven feet deep.
"The whole, long ordeal leaves most every-Who stressed,
"Exhausted, debt-ridden and deeply depressed.
"Oh, we must stop this madness, we must, must, must, must!
"Before the day's meaning has turned all to dust."
Said Grinch, "Heaven's sakes, Missy, why come to me?
"I can't steal Christmas - I'm seventy-three."
Said she, "Oh, I know that you'll think of a plan;
"You did it before, you can do it again."
Then she gave to old Grinch, to ensure his enthralled-ness,
A daughterly kiss on his male-pattern baldness,
Making him blush underneath all his fur
And vow to himself, "I will do it - for her."
So Grinchy dug out the old Santy Claus suit
That, in the first heist, was his best attribute.
Then he called his dog, Max, and took some red thread,
And tied a big horn on the doggy's old head.
He hitched up the pooch to a ramshackle sleigh,
Which he filled up with sacks for to haul loot away.
Then he waited for darkness to fall on the town,
And told Max, "Giddap," and began the trip down.
On the south edge of Who-ville, a newly built part,
He came to a stop at the giant Who-Mart.
Grinchily sly, he slunk in a side door
And filled up a sack with goods from Aisle 4.
But he saw as he picked through the toys and CDs,
No bag in the world could contain all of these.
All Christmas was stealable two decades before;
Today you could not make a dent in one store!
Just then he heard footsteps and looked up to see
Security guards coming 'round from Aisle 3.
He tugged on the sack, but he just couldn't budge it;
And time was a-wasting, as Grinchy adjudged it.
So he ran from the store, oh, he ran, ran, ran, ran,
Ran faster than ever in his whole life span.
Flogging poor Max like some poor galley slave,
He barely escaped to his hideaway cave.
Looking down on the town, the Grinch pondered his fix:
"Surely there's more in my old bag of tricks."
On what thing, he wondered, did Christmas depend,
The supply of which he, Grinch, might act to suspend?
"Why, batteries, of course!" he told Max (who just looked).
"Without them, this Christmas' goose will be cooked!"
So, with squirt gun and mask, he headed off straight
With Max and the sleigh to the new Interstate.
"When the truck full of batteries comes down the road,"
The Grinch-jacker chortled, "We'll hijack its load!"
Max, for his part, felt unsure and afraid
To be used, at his age, as a street barricade.
At last came the semi, and Grinchy yelled, "Stop!"
And brandished his squirt gun like some kind of cop.
But the truck just roared on, and it knocked the Grinch flat
And crunched through the sleigh - and, well, that was that.
Lucky for Grinch, he'd just joined HMO -
The truck broke his hinch bone and linch bone and toe.
"I can still use my hands," Grinch told Max (who just snored),
And sat himself down at his PC keyboard.
"I'll make a computer bug cripple and maim
"Every Who-ville computer and video game.
"All Christmas purists will surely admire us
"When they see the effects of our cyberspace virus."
Grinch started to program, oh, he hacked, hacked, hacked,
And soon had a virus all set too attack.
He was poised to press ENTER and set off the plague
When he heard a loud knock on the door of his cave.
"Police! Open up!" came the shout from outside
The hair stood at attention on Grinchy's scared hide
The cops bashed the door down, the impatient toughs;
They read Grinch his rights, and then slapped on the cuffs.
Through Grinch-prints they'd traced him and made the charge stand:
Attempted hijacking and larceny, grand.
Another fact made Grinch's plight still more tender -
He might go to trial as a repeat offender.
And so Grinchy landed in Who-ville's Who's-gow
Along with poor Max, his reluctant bow-bow.
They cowered in corners and tried to steer clear
Of guys with tattoos and lascivious leers.
Then one day a visitor came to see Grinch;
His suit looked hand-tailored, each exquisite inch.
Reading his business card, jailbird Grinch saw:
"Robert Shapir-who, Attorney-at-Law."
"I'm taking your case," said the lawyer, "and, too,
"My fees will be paid by Ms. Cindy-Lou Who.
"I'll make you a hero, role model, the works.
"They'll never convict you, the slow-witted jerks."
Shapir-Who sent Grinch super-agent Mike Who-vitz,
Who soon orchestrated a media-zoo blitz.
Newspapers headlined, "Grinch motives were pure."
Talk-show hosts called his confinement "manure."
A hurry-up movie was made of his plight.
He spoke, live, with Who-prah via satellite.
Everyone talked of his brave, lonely quest
To bring Christmas back to an era more blessed.
His fame soon surpassed more illustrious names,
And led to Grinch dolls, bikes and video games,
Which all hit the shelves just in time for Yule sales,
And made for store profits of unheard-of scales.
"Grinch," said Shapir-who, "with this latest deal,
You're sure to be bigger than Shaquille Who'Neal."
Bigger than Shaq? That thought took Grinch aback!
But he did have endorsements too many to track.
At his trial, crowds applauded when Grinchy stepped forth,
Looking nobly self-righteous as Who-liver North.
His lawyer orated, oh, he talked, talked, talked, talked -
And the jury acquitted the Grinch, in a walk.
After, a limousine whisked Grinchy home -
Not too a cave, but a new pleasure-dome
With thirty-four rooms and a house staff of three,
Who toasted with bubbly his being set free.
Next morning, while Grinch lounged in opulent glitz,
Discussing residuals with agent Who-vitz,
The butler announced with pretentious ado,
"A certain Ms. Who has arrived to see you."
Grinch put down his cell-phone and tightened his tie,
And straightened the brow over each Grinchy eye.
But Cindy-Lou scoffed at his mansion and loot,
And, smirking, derided his Who-mani suit.
"I was foolish," she spat, "thinking you'd lift the curse.
"You didn't save Christmas, you just made things worse."
Said Grinch, in a half-hearted, mumbly way:
"I tried to do right - it just happened to pay."
But his high spirits fell, oh they fell, fell, fell, fell,
They could not have fallen more if they'd fell in a well.
And suddenly Grinchy knew what he must do
To regain the esteem of Ms. Cindy-Lou Who.
Straight off he called up his financial advisor,
Knowing his wishes were sure to surprise her,
And he emptied his savings and 401Ks,
Got rid of his stocks and his fat IRAs.
He sold off the mansion and world-class wine cellar,
Sold the cigar boat with corkscrew propeller.
Grinch rented the Who-Dome and gave dinner, free,
To twenty-eight thousand, eight hundred and three.
And not only Whos but all Whats, Whys and Hows
>From neighboring villages, cities and towns.
Homeless and friendless, the rich and the poor -
No living creature was turned from the door.
The menu was Who-hash and prime-rib roast beast,
And plum cakes and loaves of bread baked with Who-yeast.
But before the feast started, all present joined hands
And sang Christmas songs played by two dozen bands.
And all, intermingling, wished all others well,
And couldn't remember so fine a Noel.
Impressed, Cindy-Lou gave the Grinch a great hug
And planted a smooch on his Grinchy old mug.
"You failed to steal Christmas," she whispered, "and yet
"You've set an example we'll never forget."
And afterward, Grinchy went home to his cave,
Quite pleased with himself and the Christmas he gave.
He felt that his heart, once two sizes too small,
Could now scarcely fit inside Carnegie Hall.
"It just goes to show," he said, nodding his head,
"You get more from giving than getting ahead.
"You're richer admired than rich-and-reviled."
He patted the head of old Max (who just smiled).Pay Rate: $20.00/Hr plus shift differential
Filing deadline: 12/23/95
Selected candidate must be available for international travel,
holiday and night work be physically able to lift heavy packages
over shoulder and possess a sleigh to perform work assignment.
Duties:
Make list and check it twice. Identify and deliver packages to
proper recipients by way of reindeer-powered airborne sleigh.
Supervise 100 unruly elves in the production of requested items.
Disperse and maintain holiday spirit when faces with turbulent
weather and physical demands of riding reindeer sleigh over 10,000
miles to accomodate 4 billion people in 16 hours.
Requirements:
Skill to determine who's naughty and nice, sleeping and waking
bad or good, for goodness sake! Skill to establish cooperative
working relationships with elves and gnomes knowledge of proper
diet and training required for flying reindeer ability to consume
approximatly 1 billion cups of lukewarm coca/milk and similar
amounts of stale, leftover cookies. Skill in deciphering
correspondence written in crayon. Ability to quickly maneuver down
chimneys or other available means while "ho, ho, hoing" and
simultaneously shaking belly.
Desirable:
Heavy, white facial growth and rosy red cheeks.'Twas the Night before Christmas, has lots of rhymes.
But do you think the story really fits with our times?
We don't have a chimney, our socks are in the wash.
Dreaming of sugar plums? Oh my gosh!
And what's with a kerchief? Our dad wears no cap.
He snores all night, you call that a nap?
They tell us that Santa is coming tonight.
He'll be flying in here on a sleigh, YEAH, RIGHT!
When we were much younger we believed all that stuff,
Now that we're older we know it's a bluff.
This Christmas eve is not going as we wish.
So we snuck down the stairs to turn on the dish.
All involved in the movie, we wouldn't hear a mouse.
But this clatter, meant a party at the neighbor's house.
As we sprang to our feet, to see who was out there,
We couldn't believe reindeer, no, not on a dare!
We looked at each other, and gave out a squeak.
Someone is coming, oh what a sneak.
No, it's just Dad going to the can.
No, really look, it's the true fat man.
He stands by the table and looks through the house
And takes from his pocket a tiny gray mouse.
He says, "Ho, Ho Ho, I truly believe,
There must be a mouse in each Christmas eve."
His belt buckle shakes as he laughs, look at that...
My gosh this jolly old guy sure is fat.
He looks up and sees us, then gives a big smile.
He says, "I came to see you, let's talk a while.
"You're grown up kids now that don't believe
That Santa comes on each Christmas eve.
You've let your minds be filled with doubt.
It's simple, without me the fun's left out.
"I remember the time you both sat on my knee
Smiles on your faces, eyes sparkling with glee.
Don't you remember the thrill you felt then?
With a little belief you can feel it again.
He turns as he says, "Will you please come out here?
And there on the driveway stood eight tough reindeer.
They all nod to us and then snort in a chorus,
"Who's these cool dudes now standing before us?"
As the big burley guy crawls into his sleigh.
We're both thinking, there ain't no way!
He says, "It's my new team, a real with-it crew.
I'll let HP give their names to you."
"Here's E-mail and Smiley, Micro Soft and Chip,
I'm HP, there's Copy, Surfin' and Blip.
The big guy is Santa, the North Pole's his home,
We're with him all year, we hang out in Nome."
Then they take off and fly up to the roof
Tap a short rap and give a "high hoof."
All turn and shout, "Tonight reindeer's rule.
The eight of us wish you a crazy cool Yule."
Then Santa shouts, "It's true some things change.
But believe in the basics." As he speeds out of range.
This Story dear folks, is so out of sight.
"Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a Good-Night!"'Twas the night before Christmas,
Yet he slept all alone.
In a one-bedroom house,
Made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
And to see just what man
In this small house did live.
I looked all about,
What a strange site to see.
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.
No stockings by the fire,
Just boots spit shined bright.
Then something else gleamed,
Reflecting the moonlight.
They were medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds.
And a sobering thought
Soon came to my mind.
For this house was different,
Unlike any I'd topped.
This was the home of an officer,
The home of a cop.
I'd heard stories about "them",
And I had to see more.
So I walked down the hall,
And pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping,
Silent and alone.
Curled up on his bed,
In this one-bedroom home.
He seemed so gentle,
His face weathered tan,
I soon understood
That this was more than a man.
For I realized the families
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these people
Who were willing to fight.
Soon round the nation
The children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate
On a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed safety
Each month, and all year
Because of officers like him,
This man lying here.
I couldn't help wonder
How many were on patrol.
All alone on Christmas Eve
Out in the shivering cold.
I watched him for hours,
So silent and so still,
And I noticed that he shivered,
From the cold nights chill.
So I took off my jacket,
The one made of red.
And I covered this officer
From his toes to his head.
Then I put on His jacket
With the badge of silver and gold,
With the words "Police Officer"
Emblazoned so bold.
Though it barely fit me
I began to swell with pride,
And for one shining moment
I was an officer inside.
I didn't want to leave him
So quiet in the night,
This guardian of justice,
So willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over,
And in a voice clean and pure
Said, "Carry on Santa - it's Christmas,
All here is secure."
One look at my watch
And I knew he was right.
Merry Christmas my friend,
Code four and good night.Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I
can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday,
thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten
dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows
their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures,
poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer
so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last
week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so
Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have
invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.
I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off
muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the
cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed
numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money,
because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every
year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-
name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, MomLittle Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."
After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Johnny
Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Johnny
Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny
Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed
because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went
inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do.
Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.
He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:
Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know whoExhausted and overworked, Santa Claus has decided to convert to
Judaism to lessen his workload and decrease his stress.
Mr. Claus' first inkling that Judaism was his new intended path,
was when he was unloading one particularly heavy bag of gifts and
muttered "Oy Oy Oy!" instead of "Ho Ho Ho!" Santa took this as
divine inspiration and began some serious reflection on the matter.
Mr. Claus sat down at his desk in the North Pole and itemized the
benefits of bringing toys to Jewish children. Most obvious was
that there were much less children to service, approximately
3,000,000 Jewish children, as opposed to almost 500,000,000
Christian children.
The next obvious benefit was that he had eight days of Hanukah to
deliver all of these gifts instead of jamming the entire shipment
into one night, which constantly required the already weary Santa
to travel at the speed of light to accomplish the task.
Finally, the straw that broke the reindeer's back was the
realization that Jewish households had far more delicious cuisine
to offer. Gefilte fish, chicken soup, blintzes, knishes and the
like are more palatable than the milk and cookies he got bored of
after the second century.
Circumcision won't be necessary for Santa, because that's already
been taken care of in a freak accident involving frostbite after
getting stuck in a tight chimney.
Santa has left the frigid, brutal confines of the North Pole and
has begun his toy shop anew in the sunny climes of Miami Beach,
Florida. He has fired all of those annoying elves and replaced
them with nice Jewish retirees from New York.
The last piece of the puzzle is legally changing his name to
something more in line with his new ethnic atmosphere. Beginning
Hanukah 2003, Santa Claus will henceforth be known as the
Clausenburger Rebbe.See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy
about Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for
Christmas. Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time.
Funny, funny Mother.
See mother. See mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all
done. See the children watch T.V. Watch children, watch. See the
children change their minds. See them ask Santa for different toys.
Look, look, Mother is not smiling. Funny, funny Mother.
See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses. Mother will
make robes. Mother will make shirts. Look ... Mother put the
zipper in wrong. See Mother sews the dress on the wrong side. See
Mother cut the skirt too short. See Mother put the material away
until January. Look, look, see Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny,
funny Mother.
See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy
candied pineapple and powdered sugar. See Mother buy flour and
dates and pecans and brown sugar and bananas and spice and vanilla.
Look, Look, Mother is mixing everything together. See the children
press out the cookies. See the flour on their elbows. See the
cookies burn. See the cake fall. See the children pull taffy. See
Mother pulls her hair. See Mother cleans the kitchen with the
garden hose. Funny, funny, Mother.
See Mother. See Mother wrap presents. See Mother look for the end
of the scotch tape roll. See Mother bites her fingernails. See
Mother go. See Mother goes to the store for the 12th time in one
hour. See Mother go. See Mother goes faster. Run Mother, run! See
Mother trims the tree. See Mother has a party. See Mother makes
popcorn. See Mother scrubs the rug. See Mother tears up the
organized plan. See Mother forgets the gift for Uncle Harold. See
Mother gets the hives! Go Mother Go! See the far-away look in
Mother's eyes. Mother is disorganized. Mother is disoriented.
Funny, funny Mother.
It is finally Christmas morning. See the happy family. See Father
smile. Father is happy. Smile Father Smile! Father loves the fruit-
cake. Father loves the Christmas pudding. Father loves his new
neckties.
Look, look. See the happy children. See the children's toys.
Santa was very good to the children. The children will remember
this Christmas. See Mother. Mother is slumped in a chair. Mother
is crying uncontrollably. Mother does not look well. Mother has
ugly dark circles under her blood shot eyes. Everyone helps Mother
to bed. Mother sleeps quietly under heavy sedation.
See Mother smile!1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa ClausThree men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell
they go.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed
in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is
ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. ****
TWO ---- Husband (2): Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
THREE ------ The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Inebriated man (3): Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
FOUR ----- The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
FIVE ----- The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
SIX --- The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up these lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ****
SEVEN ------ The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry man (7): The Salvation Army, 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez! 2: I'm trying to rig up these lights! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
EIGHT ----- The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS! 7: Charities 6: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!? Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, making out these cards, 3: Edith, get me a beer, huh? 2: What? We have no extension cords?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ****
NINE ---- The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces, 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!! 7: Donations! 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Writing out those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
TEN ---- The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Toy-commercial voice (10): "Batteries not included", 9: No parking spaces, 8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!! 7: Get a job, ya bum!!! 6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez, look at this! 2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
ELEVEN ------- The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials, 10: "Batteries not included", 9: No parking spaces, 8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!! 7: Charities!! 6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people! 3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper? 2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
TWELVE ------ The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols, 11: Stale TV specials, 10: "Batteries not included", 9: No parking? 8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! 7: Charities! 6: Gotta make 'em dinner! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it! 3: Shut up, you! 2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that,
were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the d*mn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Godd*mn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to p*ss. By the time I got undressed,
p*ssed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the *ssh*le is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's d*mn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the godd*mn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Thanks to Susan BirkenseerJimmy was a very smart boy, and he enjoyed church very much, but when
the choir began singing "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear," he didn't
concentrate on singing the song as he should have; instead, he wondered
why Gladly didn't go to an ophthalmologist and why they were singing a
song in church about a woodland animal with an eye problem anyway. (By
Timothy House)
"Mike, I've got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and
I thought the folks might appreciate it."
"It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke
Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name
of Vader, specifically the light saber battle they fought in the cloud
city. The depiction of that fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate,
but it left out a few details."
"It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words were
exchanged while the two of them were temporarily clenched with their
weapons locked against each other, and apparently the director must have
felt that some editing would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some
of them were snipped out."
"So here's the rest of what they said to each other."
'Luke, there is something that you do not know.'
'What's that?'
'Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for Christmas.'
'You're wrong. You can't know that.'
'Nevertheless, it is so.'
'I don't believe you! This isn't possible!'
'Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for Christmas. I know
it with the same degree of certainly as I know of the inevitability of
the failure of your pitiful rebellion.'
'You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!'
'I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me, let me show you the
true power of the Dark Side of the force, and together we can destroy
the emperor!'
'Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for Christmas?
You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show you the future?'
'The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not need it for this.'
'Then how do you know what I'm getting?'
'It's very simple, Luke. ... I have felt your presents.'
Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often
"adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander,
kind-of became an Uncle to the family's only 4 year old daughter. One
Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she
had learned all about ... the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.
This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews
flight into Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the
passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When
asked about it, she explained, ... "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either
through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy,
always a classic joke, said, ... "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser
known prayers though are a little girl saying ... "Give us this day our
jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to ... "Lead
us not into Penn Station."
After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday
School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the
Nativity Scene might have looked like. One boy did a good likeness of
Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.
The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the
scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved
or even more worried when the boy responded, ... "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
A few years ago my husband and I were invited to a very small dinner
party in honor of Christmas. The hostess was one of those "Martha
Stewart" types and had squares of cheese with a toothpick topping
looking like little trees. "Sam," she says, "why aren't you eating any
cheese?" Knowing my husband couldn't find an elephant in the tub, I
explained, ... "He can't see the cheese for the forest".
Morris Crisp was very sad when his father passed away. When his mother
remarried to a retired Navy captain named Arthur Ness, and made Morrie
take the name of his step-father. Morrie felt she was betraying the
memory of his father. After he grew up, and his mother died, Morrie had
Arthur committed to a nursing home and bilked him of his life savings.
When he was caught, the newspapers read , ... "Morrie Crisp-Ness fleeces
Navy Dad!"
You should always test the goose's skin for doneness before "giving
your guests the bird" at dinnertime, because a soggy-skinned goose is
not only unappealing to eat but violates the spirit of Merry Crispness.
A wealthy yacht owner decided to give his crew a Christmas party in
port. He went ashore to round up evergreens, food, musicians and gifts.
When he returned, he found all the greens being installed, but on the
wrong ship. "Ahoy," he shouted, running down the dock, ... "you're
treeing up the wrong barque."A new contract for Santa has finally been
negotiated . . . Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due
to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington,
Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Rottweiler
2. We Three Canines
3. Oh, Holy Fire Hydrant
4. Duke, the Red Nosed Doberman
5. Sniffing Around the Christmas Tree
6. Jingle Bones
7. Wreck the Halls!
8. I Saw Mommy Licking Santa Claus
9. Away in a Dog House
10. All I Want For Xmas is My Own Chew ToyDay 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with
andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3 Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of
eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens
to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog,
Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4 Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more dem darn birds. Deez
four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem
all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an
fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Day 5 Dear Boudreaux, You finally sent somethin useful. I like dem golden
rings. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money
to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de
Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6 Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor
egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to
eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating
cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on
Christmas day.
Day 7 Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you.
Thibideaux, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem
birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat
stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de
bayou and some duck hunters from Texas blasted dem out of de water.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8 Dear Boudreaux, Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mail-
boat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows
got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like
dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and
sweeping the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably
think they to good ta skin nutrias I caught las night too.
Day 9 Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to did Huh? Thibideaux had to borrow
the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping
across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with
crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well, La Di Da. You
get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all
dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my
turnip greens.
Day 10 Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill
you, I will for sure. Today he deliver 10 floozies from Bourbon Street.
Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies even aroun
dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water
moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute
le monde an get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer
dose hoity toity lord's royal behin.
Day 11 Dear Boudreaux, Where Y'at. Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping
arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de
boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey
and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack
Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with de floozies. Thibeau
he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you
get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it man.
Day 12 Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no.
After da fais-do-do, I spent sum time with Jacque, de head piper. We
decide to open a restaurant and club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon
me, Ladies dancing, can make $20 for to dance der, and de lords can be
waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids have no more cows ta
milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run
my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million clams nex year.Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! "Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefull went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."Roses are Redish, Violets are Bluesh.
If it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.
SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town
. . . or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell . . .
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide
celebration
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide
celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in
evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of
domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from
the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our
anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of
St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations
of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My
conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous
exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the
purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as
it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to
rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged
chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that
he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling
at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar
predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted
labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations
of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-
degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via
a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in
animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels
which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor
I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries
of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which
suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of
Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop
knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular
and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes,
forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he
waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner
of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short,
neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical
perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to
refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and
rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my
part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned
appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth
receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith
effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then
propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical
expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered
quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto
observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation
beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a
salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided
to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from
the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the
turkey out of the oven, unstuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish
game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in
the oven.
When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving
spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little
bird!
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggsQ. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
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v
1. White Christmas
2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
4. O Holy Night
5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
6. O Come, All Ye Faithful
7. Away in a Manger
8. Deck the Hall
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
14. Let it Snow
15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
17. What Child is This?
18. Joy to the World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. The Twelve Days of Christmas15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street -- A Times Square Christmas"
14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"
13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"
12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
11. "The Deep II -- A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"
10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course, I'd be an excellent President.")
6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass -- Pass the Malt Liquor"
5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some "new" reindeer games in "Rudolph II -- First Blood"
2. "Blazing Saddles 2 -- How the Stench Stole Christmas"
1. "No, YOU Open It!" -- 'A Ted Kaczynski Christmas'1. Use as a doorstop
2. Use as a paper weigh
3. Use to clean your pots and pans
4. Use as boat anchor
5. Use as bricks in fireplace
6. Build a house with them
7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree
8. Use as a pencil holder
9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post
10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels
11. Hold up your car when changing tires
12. Slice and use for poker chips
13. Use it to carve your turkey on
14. Use as replacement for Duraflame log
15. Take it camping with you…use it to weigh down the tent
16. Use it as a seat at a stadium event
17. Stand on it when you change a lightbulb
18. Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving
19. Replaces free weights when you work out
20. Use as book ends at the school library
Submitted by zanny.
'TWAS THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS"
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys, and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?" The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."Dear Mom,
Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the
Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren't the only thing made
out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay
and stinking animals and guess what??? I go right into labor.
My OB doc said "Make the trip." Anyway, we have a new baby boy
that we think is truly special. But it's been a madhouse ever since!
First, we couldn't agree on a name. Joe likes Emmanuel - I'm
holding out for Jesus. In the middle of the argument all the
animals in the stable start talking and taking sides! Next, all
these shepherds stopped by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad
enough). And, since this is Joseph's hometown, the whole mishpuka
seemed to drop in. You wouldn't believe his weird "cousin" John!
All the time he babbles about 'logos' and 'kerygma' and a whole
bunch of stuff that's just plain Greek to me.
Then there's a Stella, (or is it Quelle?) who keeps asking me to
write down everything the kid says, word for word --like he's
talking already. I tell you, it felt like there were 5,000
relatives around and me with only a few cloves and knishes to
feed them. We also seem to be attracting religious pilgrims.
Ever try to fend off one of them Druids for Istar when you're busy
doing laundry? At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts.
We can't get a good night's sleep with that stupid star shining
through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold
out of swaddling. And then it seemed every time I went to feed
the boy a half-dozen Renaissance painters would show up wanting
to sketch the procedure.
I finally sent Joe out for bottles and formula.
When it came time for the Briss there was such a Hoo-Haw I
couldn't believe it! Picketers! There were Picketers with signs
saying, "Don't mutilate Hebrew men!" And some were chanting,
"Circumcise your hearts!" Yeech.
Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I
guess we're off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations!
Maybe we'll spend a spell in India instead.
All my love, MarySanta Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration (FAA). It was shortly before Christmas
when the FAA examiner arrived.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all
the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his
paperwork was in order.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the
reindeer harnesses, the landing gear and Rudolph's nose. He
painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations
for the sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the checkride.
Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and
checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to
Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this,
but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."Every Chad down in Chadville liked voting a lot.
But the Grinch, from North Chadville, most certainly did not!
The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore.
Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore.
It could be his heart bled with liberal mush.
It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush.
But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered
Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered.
Whatever the reason, Lack of trust, lack of goals,
The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls.
He just hated those speeches and negative ads,
And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads.
He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters,
He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters.
He just hated their weather, even hated their hate.
And he hated that they were a battleground state.
"So they're making their choices," he snarled with a sneer.
"This 'Decision Two Thousand' is practically here!
"They'll struggle to choose 'tween a crumb and a bum,
"'Cause a voter's a voter, no matter how dumb."
Then he growled, his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find a way to keep outcomes from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the flag-waving souls,
Would again waste their efforts on Bushes or Gores.
And by then, oh, the polls! Oh, the polls! Polls! Polls! Polls!
That's the one thing he hated! The Polls! Polls! Polls! Polls!
So the Chads, rich and poor, and by bus, car, or boat,
They would vote! And they'd vote!
And they'd Vote! Vote! Vote! Vote!
They would vote to ban smoking or clearing your throat.
They would even vote laws in for curbing your goat.
And then ...
They'd sing that anthem. It always came later.
Be they Bush-ites or Gore-ites or ites of Ralph Nader.
They'd stand close together, and though still full of fight,
They'd stand and they'd sing, by that dawn's early light.
And the more the Grinch thought of Election Day's ring,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why, for two hundred years I've put up with it now!
"I must stop these outcomes from coming! "... But how?"
Then he got an idea! Yes, a legal idea!
The grinch got an awful but legal idea!
"I know just what to do!" the Grinch laughed with a jig.
And he wove from his goat a Sam Donaldson wig.
And into the mirror he spoke with grand rancor,
"With this helmet of hair, they'll all think I'm an anchor!"
"All I need are some ballots ..." The Grinch looked around.
But since ballots were private, there were none to be found.
So he made his own ballot, printing letters quite little,
And he scattered the names, running holes down the middle,
And he stuck it together with Chad-berry spittle.
And he said, "They'll need Einstein to figure this riddle!"
Then he loaded his boxes, and without looking nervous
Put a sign on his van that said "Voter News Service."
Then the Grinch pulled away in his van with a screech
Toward the pads of the Chads in a place called "Palm Beach."
When he came to the first polling place in the square,
All the lines were quite long. Thoughtful talk filled the air
As the Chads chatted merits of managed health care.
"Vote early and often," the Grinch said with a grin.
And he marched to the front of the line and stepped in.
There he left all his ballots, the strange ones with punches,
And instructions that said, "Please punch punches in bunches."
As he slunk out the door toward the nearest Grand Hyatt,
He could hear what you'd think was an Elian riot.
The Cohen sisters Esther, Mitzi, and Shannon,
Just realized that their votes had all gone to Buchanan!
At a place in Dade County near a middle-school yard,
The Grinch donned a shirt that said, "Polling Place Guard."
And he eyeballed each Chad and said, "Where is your card?
"Voter card? Motor card? Credit card? Diner's?
"Face card? Race card? Baseball card? Shriners?"
And he turned them away. Then the Grinch, like a fox,
Stuffed all of his ballots and locked up the lockbox!
Then the Grinch returned home to go "live" on TV.
He had waited quite late (It was now eight oh three.)
So the Grinch Network News first projected a score
"Now with one percent in, we pick Chad-ville for GORE."
Every Gore-ite in Chad-ville said, "Give us some more!"
So he pulled more projections straight out of his stack.
Then, "Oh, dear!" said the Grinch, "I must take it all back!"
So the Grinch Network News, in grand fairness to all
Now reported that Chad-ville was "Too close to call."
"Don't be mad, all you Chads, for this isn't a scandal,
"It was just," the Grinch said, "we forgot the Panhandle.
"The science of sampling can leave one out-simpled."
So the Chads were left hanging and pregnant and dimpled.
Then the Grinch raised a finger for the night's final push.
"Election Day's done, and the winner is Bush."
After all, George was leading at least by a dozen.
(And whenever it's close, always go with your cousin.)
"Play the music, the songs, pop the corks, sing the praises,
" 'Cause with Bush as the winner, you're all getting raises!"
And then the Grinch yawned, "This election stuff's hokey,
Good-bye 'till next year! And now back to you, Cokie."
And the Grinch, he went back to his old Grinchy pad.
But en route, he was nabbed by a little Chad lad
Who had stayed up all night (quite ignoring his dad).
He stared at the Grinch and said, "Sir, who's our leader?
"Is it Bush? Is it Gore? Or, my choice, Derek Jeter?"
And the Grinch simply smiled This day couldn't be sweeter.
They were finding out now that no outcome was coming!
They were seeing it now, all their dumbness and dumbing.
"They're just waking up!" he said. "Here's what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"And the Chads down in Chad-ville will cry, 'We will sue!' "
As he stared down at Chad-ville, the Grinch popped his eyes,
But the scene that he saw brought a shocking surprise.
All the Chads down in Chad-ville, Chad lads and Chad dads,
They were counting the votes, they were counting the chads!
He hadn't stopped an outcome from coming. It came!
Somehow or another, it came just the Same!
As the Grinch with his head buried deep in the sand
Sat puzzling and puzzling, "They will count them by hand?"
Yes, it came with the lawsuits, it came with the lawyers,
It came with Tim Russert, it came with Bill Moyers.
When the ballots were plucked and the counting was done
The last margin of victory turned out to be ... One!
And if the Grinch had just voted, his guy would have won!
And what happened then ... Well, in Chad-ville they say
That the Grinch's small district grew three sizes that day.
'Cause the minute his mood had come out of its slump,
The Grinch said, "Aha! I could be running this dump!"
So he formed a committee to do all the work And he ...
He himself! He ran for town clerk!Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of despair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".14. "So I said, 'Irv, if you don't put down that d*mn Uzi, you can just forget
about a raise this year'."
13. "President Clinton, the copier is not a toy."
12. "To all employees Please go to xmasparty.com for your free holiday drink."
11. "Hot hors d'oeuvres for 1,000 $2500; Santa Suit for the CEO $50; Hearing
them whine for a raise priceless!"
10. "Wow! Do you invite ALL your new interns to see the oval office?"
9. "What do they mean, 'year end profit'? We're an Internet company!"
8. "Oh, puh-leeze! I'll bet he put the copier on zoom 200%."
7. "Damn!!! Mistletoe everywhere and I've got sexual harassment charges
hanging over me."
6. "The company policy is 'No Office Romances' -- it says nothing about cheap,
meaningless sex on the boss's desk."
5. "Here's your Zima, Mr. Gore."
4. "When the boss called me into his office to give me a pink slip, I didn't
think he wanted me to 'wear' it."
3. "Don't worry, we have plenty of time to get the Nuclear Missile Launch
program Y2K compliant, besides, I always code better after a few drinks."
2. "Why, Mr. Gates! Another copy of Windows! You shouldn't have."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Office Holiday Party...
1. "Oh, man, Bob's making photocopies of his ass agai-- BOB, WAIT!! THAT'S
THE SHREDDER!!!"I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents'
house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a
non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.
I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges
and pear trees.
So, I was wrong.
Sue me.
I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the
invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I
told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
on Christmas Eve."
"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be
bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really
looking forward to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's.
What more could I want?
I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households,
Christmas Eve is the social event of the entire year - an Italian
woman's raison d'etre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She
orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is
what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose,
that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go
nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She
doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a
human being.
I brought her anyway.
7:00 PM we arrive . . .
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for
the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother
grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen
does not clean, cook, or bake. My father equally observant. He
pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest
breasts I have ever seen on a human being."
7:30 PM Others arrive . . .
Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted
gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a
symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black
olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone and anchovies.
When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you. But none
of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.
"You don't like anchovies?" I asked.
"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other
varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling, and simmering
in the next room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting
uncomfortable.
Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve.
Karen says, "Knockwurst."
My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karen's chest,
temporarily snaps out it to murmur, "Knockers?"
My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot.
None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.
8:00 PM Second course . . .
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen
declines on the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with
butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen.
I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, and place it on
the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen.
"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly,
clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this
on my pasta, I'm gong to throw acid in her face."
"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she
wants."
My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk
back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder.
"Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"
"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three
weeks."
"Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her,
she'll poison you."
8:30 PM More fish . . .
My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that
are always three times larger that the plants they hold. All the
women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen,
who instead lights up a cigarette.
"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. Karen
makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.
"Dear, you don't have to do that", my mother tells her, smiling
painfully.
"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink.
As she re-enters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head
and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says,
"Whoops".
I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?"
No. "Whoops" is when you fall down an elevator shaft.
More fish comes out. After some groaning, Karen tries a piece of
scungilli which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother
winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old
women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Aunt
Mafalde does the same. Karen, believing this is something that all
Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her
chest. My Uncle Ziti doesn't know what to make of it. My father's
dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.
10:00 PM Coffee, dessert . . .
Expresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When
Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with
a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen,
believing that this is something all Italian women do on Christmas
Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.
"This is fun," Karen says.
Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But
amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good
cheer - even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder and
says, "Get the bitch out of my house."
Sounds fine to me.10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes.
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts.
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee.
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"At a Toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
At a Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
Outside a church: " The original Christmas club."
At a department store" "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and
mangle with the crow."
At a reducing salon: "24 shaping days until Christmas."
At a ski resort: "All I need to know about life I learned from a
snow man."
In a stationery store: "For the one who has everyting, a calender
to show when the payments are due."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I have decided not to put up Christmas lights on my house this
year...I'm getting tired of wasting my Easter Sunday taking them
down.Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kind
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, so dark and dreary,
I knew I had found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly.
I heard stories about them, I had to see more
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping silent alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one bedroom home.
His face so gentle, his room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night
Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight.
Soon 'round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of soldiers like this one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry, this life is my choice;
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,
my life is my God, my country, my Corps."
With that he rolled over and drifted off into sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours, so silent and still,
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.
I didn't want to leave him on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, whispered with a voice so clean and pure,
"Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure."
One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night!
*************************************
Remember our Veterans... Without them, we might not have been able to be here today...Chanukkah is sometimes erroneously called "The Jewish Christmas,"
but really the two holidays, though they occur in calendar
proximity and both feature gift-giving, are unrelated.
The old bearded guy in the red suit at your Chanukkah party is
just eccentric Uncle Bernie, who ate too many latkes, drank too
much schnapps, and now is trying to stay awake long enough to
play "Pull my finger" with his nephew Morty.14. "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to be very popular."
13. "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had --
cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..."
12. "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these 'Tickle Me Tripp' dolls are
downright frightening!"
11. "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked 'Non-Christians.'"
10. "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where
I draw the line."
9. "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now
you want one that blows cigar smoke out of its *what*??"
8. "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"
7. "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian
woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"
6. "I don't care who the hell he is -- the old geezer pulls that 'checking it
twice' thing again, I'm suing for sexual harassment!"
5. "Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the EZ Bake Oven
brownie mix?!"
4. "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington DC run this year --
it's a height thing."
3. "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a 'Poke Your Eye Out
Stick.'"
2. "Furby, schmurby -- Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and the little brats
will never know the difference."
and Top5's Number 1 Thing Overheard In Santa's Toyshop...
1. "Woo-hoo! C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing touches on the
dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]Q. What do elves learn at school?
A. The Elf-abet!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the
sweetest face for the opening scene of the Christmas play. "Now,
all you have to do, when you hear me say to the choir '...and
the angel lit the candle', is come on stage and light all the
candles."
"I can do it, I can do it!" the little boy said, excitedly.
Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The
choir was ready, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens
of unlit candles all around, and all awaited the moment when the
cute littlest angel would make his entrance.
The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and
the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an
expectant "...and the angel lit the candle"
Everyone looked stage right for the entrance.
No little boy.
The director gave the downbeat again, and more loudly said,
"...and the angel lit the candle"
Again, all eyes looked stage right.
No little boy.
The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping
gestures, and this time the choir thundered into the line. So
loud were they that the curtains belled slightly from the sound!
"...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"
And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano
voice floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on
the matches!"As I was cleaning out my chimney the other day (in anticipation of the coming
holiday, and the off chance of chilly weather in my area), I dislodged a
document stuck in the flue. Upon examination, I was shocked to find the message
reproduced below. Yes, even *he* is up to it.
----------------------------------------
To The_World@everywhere.com
From SC@north-pole.org
Subject MAKE TOYS FAST
Note Authenticated Sender is KKringle@workshop.com
X-Removal Notice For removal go to http//www.bad-kids.com
DON'T THROW THIS AWAY! IT CONTAINS THE MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION YOU WILL
RECEIVE ALL THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!!
Hello. My name is Kristopher Kringleson. I'm just an ordinary, everyday guy,
with a job in the distribution sector. I used to be just like you, working,
sweating, having to deal with the little people every day, and getting less
respect, less notice, and let's face it, less belief in me all the time.
BUT NOT ANY MORE!!!!
Now I live on my own private island, rather than in the snowbelt where I used
to live and work. I drive a Bentley Model XKV Tempora-Distort Sled (with all-
reindeer drive). I'm a babe magnet. A preschooler magnet, too. People believe
in me. People love me.
Mrs. C. says that I've never been more alive, more virile, more ME!!! And all
because of a letter JUST LIKE THIS ONE!!! A letter that set me up FOR LIFE.
And let me tell you, just as it's made a world of difference for me, it can do
the same for you.
What's this secret plan for INSTANT SUCCESS that I discovered? A new, improved,
MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING organizational strategy paradigm system distributorship...
thingy.
Now, I know what you're saying These MLM things are just a scam. They don't
work. They're illegal. And you know what??
YOU'RE RIGHT!
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE!
THIS ONE'S LEGIT!
You don't send any money to anyone. That's right! NO MONEY! You only send one
small, working, new toy to each person on your distributorship list. That's
All It Takes!
THIS ONE WORKS!
You're working on multiple levels of success with this system. Not only are
you starting your own toy-distribution pyramid, but you're also selling
VALUABLE REPORTS!!! Reports that tell anyone how to become a better, more
effective holiday spokesperson (and they also work for normal occupations too).
IT'S NOT ILLEGAL!
Although the USPS clearly considers pyramid schemes illegal, this version of an
MLM pyramid deals with that downside right off the bat You Don't Use The Mail
System!! Nope, you FedEx those toys to me OverNite! No USPS, no mail fraud,
capiche?
Now, if you're like me, you should be chomping at the bit (byte?) right now,
ready to send off your paltry four (not five!! Your pyramid builds faster!!)
toys, and recieve your reports, so that you can start your own FUTURE!
Remember, the system only works if you follow the RULES. Send one toy to each
person on the following list. Then delete the top person, put your name in
position #4, move everybody up one level, and send out 5.2 billion of these
letters, one to each person in the world. By the time your name gets to position
#1, you will be receiving, per day, more toys than have ever been created in
the history of the Earth!
GUARANTEED!
REPORT #1
Toy Distribution - - Strategies and Methodologies
Send Toy to
Kris Kringle
1 North Pole
Top O The World, AK 99999
REPORT #2
Holiday Spokespersons - - Encouraging Belief through MLM
Send Toy to
S. Claus
Suite 100
101 Workshop Blvd.
Polaris, AK 99999
REPORT #3
Care and Feeding of Holiday-Oriented Livestock
Send Toy to
Pere Noel
c/o Christmas, Father
Infinity, Northernmost Point
World
REPORT #4
Using Mail Drops to Increase Profits and Belief in You
Send Toy to
Jessica Mary Claus
Suite 1324125523393
123 Main Street
Miami Beach, FL 32988
TESTIMONIALS
------------------------------------------------
This system changed my life.
I'll never go back to the old ways.
E. Bunny
------------------------------------------------
It sure beats hanging around in kids' bedrooms!
And those nasty molars, yech!
The Tooth Fairy
------------------------------------------------
Toys, pfui! I spellchanged every instance of "toy"
in this letter to say "vodka". Now I'm wasted for
months on end! Boris Yeltsin is even jealous. And
the little kids who want toys? Who Cares! (hic)!
Babouschka
------------------------------------------------
We are practicing attorneys, and can say truth-
fully that we had never been given a toy in our
whole LIVES until we started this plan. Now,
we're rolling in 'em.
Literally.
Picture it.
Now stop, and seek therapy.
Cantor and Siegel
------------------------------------------------
Me, too!
Every Usenet newbie in existence.To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays all!!It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned
a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator
renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one
suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not
real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort
of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant,
"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a
ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd
have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel" he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay here a while."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and p*ssed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things I shouldn't even mention.
A f**k ring, a g-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will sh*t,
So I'll leav'em here, and then I'll haveta split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"You better come out, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
He's making the switch,
He's leaving his wife,
He's gonna come out, to start a new life
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.
A secret he's been keeping,
It's made him awful tense.
He knows it will be better now,
When he comes down off that fence.
So you better come out,
You better not cry, you better not pout,
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.With the Holiday Season upon us it is important to understand how much our parties are appreciated. Please use the listing below as reference.
Gauging the level of your New Years Party
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvre smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is lots of egg-nog.A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas
present for his granddaughter.
The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
It took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it
into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Christmas Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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