Money Jokes

• There was a fire at the local tax office but the fire brigade managed to put it out before any serious good was done.




• He was so mean he had the house sound-proofed so the children wouldn’t be able to hear the ice cream van.

• Why is money called dough?Because we all knead it!

• Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""Excuse me?" the accountant said."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?""I'll start you at eighty thousand.""Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

• What leads most people into debt? Trying to catch up with people who are already there.

• If Asda is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the shop free yet?

• Why are men like bank accounts?Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!

• A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser. ‘You know I shouldn’t really be drinking like this with what I’ve got,’ says the man to the barman.‘Why? What have you got?’ asks the barman. ‘Fifty pence,’ replies the man.

• We were so poor the only way I could afford to get my suit pressed was to ride the subway during rush hour.

• The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.

• Our house was so small if we got a large pizza we had to go outside to eat it.

• ‘Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.’ Rita Rudner

• If you want to know God’s opinion of money just look at the people He gave it to.

• Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper. 'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'

• "Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."

• Why do people like to borrow money in Alaska?Because they have Fairbanks!

• ‘Why don’t oysters give to charity?Because they’re shellfish.’ Jay Leno

• Uncle Harry is very rich. His dog was lonely so he bought it a boy to play with.‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’ Douglas Adams

• Money spoils people, thus folks of Sierra Leone are really good.

• I’ve just come into some money.I wonder if they’ll still accept it at the shop?

• A woman goes to her bank with a cheque from her husband. The cashier tells her it has to be endorsed, so she writes on the back, ‘My husband is a wonderful man.’

• If I got a penny for everyone I've met who is as beautiful as you, I'd have all the money in the world.

• We have our water metered and it’s very expensive. The other day the house was on fire and we didn’t know whether it would be cheaper to let it burn.

• Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

• One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm looking for my dollar bill,' Max replied.'I lost it down the road.' 'Why don't you look for it there?' 'Because the light's better here!'

• An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

• ‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.’ Bob Hope

• Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral."Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?"The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

• Uncle gives little Johnny a £5 note for his birthday. ‘Spend it carefully,’ says Uncle. ‘Remember – a fool and his money are soon parted.’ Little Johnny replies, ‘Well you certainly handed it over fast enough.’

• The best things in life are free, plus tax.

• "Hello" "Hello""Is that you, James?" "Yes, this is James." "Are you sure this is James.""Yes I'm sure, this is James!""This is Robert... can you lend me twenty dollars?" "I'll tell James when he comes in."

• ‘How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars…’ Steve Martin

• I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, ‘Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!’

• Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

• When does a female deer need money?When she doesnt have a buck.

• What’s six inches long, two inches wide and drives women wild? A fifty-dollar bill.

• Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it.""I've spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."

• I married my wife for her money.And believe me, I’ve earned it.

• Man, to friend, ‘A thief has stolen my wife’s credit card. Last month he ran up a bill of over a thousand pounds.’ ‘That’s terrible,’ says the friend. ‘You should report this thief to the police.’ ‘I would,’ says the man. ‘But at the moment he’s spending less than my wife does.’

• A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man.‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’

• George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00.The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem.This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers,"I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do."The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," says George."You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"

• Why is it hard to believe Elsa is the queen of Frozen?
  
  Because every time somebody with a small child walks past her products in a store their assets start leaking.

• A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor wouldthere be any "we" in the first place."

• As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...

• Money talks – all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’

• There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.

• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

• I am currently experiencing an out-of-money experience.

• A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?""Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now.""Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?""There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" "I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

• Born free. Taxed to death. A man goes into a shop to get his wife a present. He points out a bottle of perfume and asks

• I’m proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way. My dad left it to me in his will.

• CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
  
  CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
  
  BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  
  VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
  
  P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
  
  BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
  
  STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
  
  STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  
  STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
  
  FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
  
  MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
  
  CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  
  YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  
  WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
  
  INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
  
  PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
  

• A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?""Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

• That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

• I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

• They say about money that you can’t take it with you. I can’t even afford to go.

• What’s the difference between a pigeon and a tramp? The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche.

• Where to birds invest their money?In the stork market!

• Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

• I'm a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.

• What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

• I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money.

• My wife and I have a joint account.I deposit money and she withdraws it.

• I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago

• Why does ET have such big eyes?He saw the phone bill.

• Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks - but half the pages are missing. What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

• Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

• We were so poor, we had to go to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.

• At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.One of the chamber members stood up and said,"I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.

• A young man wants to be left something in his aunt’s will, so every day he goes round and takes her poodles for a walk. When she finally dies, she does indeed remember the kindness of her nephew – and leaves him the poodles.

• What’s the difference between your wage packet and your trouser packet?You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your wage packet.

• Doctor to woman: "What is the matter about your husband?"Woman: "He is worrying about MONEY."Doctor: "I think I can relieve him of that."

• Patient: "Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine."The doctor was very much pleased.He asked: "Did it really help you?"Patient: "It helped me wonderfully."Doctor: "How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?"Patient: "I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir."

• If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

• At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, "I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."

• An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. 'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing. Why?' 'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !'

• A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

• We’re all self-made but only the rich and successful like to admit it.

• A worker approaches his employer and holds up his last wage packet.‘This is two hundred pounds short,’ he says. ‘I know,’ says the employer.‘But last week I overpaid you two hundred pounds, and you didn’t say anything.’‘Well,’ says the worker.‘I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.’

• A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?

• Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

• As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."

• After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

• After any salary rise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

• Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

• ‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’ Douglas Adams

• Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

• He was so mean he used to give his children £1 each instead of an evening meal, then charged them £2 for breakfast.

• A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says "you are suppose to read his lips."He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn’t running – the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn’t run, it runs, it doesn’t run..."He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax..."

• ‘The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.’ Jay Leno

• A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over.

• Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday."Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted."It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

• The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

• Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?A: Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

• A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

• My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

• My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas. It's $100 on me and $500 on her.

• We were so poor our mother would send us out with a shopping list to chase the garbage truck.

• A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." "What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

• Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy."Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.""How much do you charge?""Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor."I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street."Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked."Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.""Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?""He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

• Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors."Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"

• What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?The taxidermist only takes the skin.

• A man went to visit his doctor. “Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads.The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor, says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!”“Aha!" says the doctor, "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”

• Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

• Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives.The first man says that he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica."That way," he explains, "if she doesn't like one, she can use the other."The second man says he had bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason.The third man says, "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the negligee, she can go screw herself."

• A man is talking to the tax inspector who’s come to review his records. The inspector says, ‘As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.’ ‘Thank God for that,’ replies the man. ‘I thought you were going to ask for cash.’

• An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to the man, "Sir, could you spare 3 cents for a cup of coffee?"And the man said, "Where do get coffee for 3 cents?"And the beggar said, "Who buys retail?"

• At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.One of the chamber members stood up and said,"I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."

• A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.

• You don't work – you don't have money to live, you work – there's no time to live.

• Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

• Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?

• What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives? Win the Lottery.

• I wouldn’t say that inflation is making my life difficult, but I’m now starving on an income I used to dream about.

• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed.

• William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'

• A third age Scotsman was waiting for his son to return from his first date. Finally, he arrived after midnight."Were you worried, father?""Yes, I was really worried... I want to know how much did that date cost you...""It cost me only four euros!""Hmm, it's not that much.""I know father... But the girl didn't have any more money..."

• George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.When she’s finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.When he’s finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call the USA anytime.Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call."

• Money is the root of all wealth.

• Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”

• A man hires a taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial. When they arrive he says to the driver, ‘Well, I suppose you might as well come in too.’

• Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have?I would have five dollars...You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny...You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...

• Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.

• TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?TECH: I'm not sure I understand?CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

• A young woman walks into a bank to withdraw some money. ‘Can you identify yourself?’ asked the bank clerk.The young woman opens her handbag, takes out a mirror, looks into it and says, ‘Yes, it’s me all right.’

• An young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. After sex the girl said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'am actually a hooker, and I charge $100 for what we just did."The man retorted, "And I should have mentioned this before, but I'am actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $200."

• Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs."Give me your money," he demanded.Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!""In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

• There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn’t get worse every year.

• Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks - but half the pages are missing. What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

• A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

• Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?

• Being poor has its advantages. For example your keys are never in your other trousers.

• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

• Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.

• Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above:"Saul, sell your business."He ignores it. It goes on for days."Saul, sell your business for $3 million."After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."He asks why."Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."He hesitates but knows he must.He’s dealt an 18.The dealer has a six showing."Saul, take a card."What?The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him.Saul gets an ace.Nineteen.He breathes easy."Saul, take another card."What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card.It’s another ace.He has twenty."Saul, take another card," the voice commands.I have twenty!Saul shouts."TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.Hit me,Saul says.He gets another ace.Twenty one.The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

• Don’t spend money having your shirts laundered. Donate them to a charity shop, then when they’ve cleaned them, buy them back.

• This antique pocket watch has been in my family for generations. It’s true.My grandfather sold me it on his deathbed.

• He was so mean that when he found a pack of corn plasters he went out and bought a pair of tight shoes.

• If at first you don't succeed: try management.

• Dick’s family were very poor – when the wolf came to the door, they ate it.

• Three cheapskates try to figure out a way of killing themselves with one bullet – so they put their heads together.

• No matter how hard we try, we never seem to save any money. Our neighbours are always buying something we can’t afford.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.

• What I want to know is how did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

• Take five female pigs, and put them with five male deer.
  
  You would have ten sows and bucks!

• Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard and Visa.

• A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

• A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary.

• If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?

• The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

• Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

• What’s the quickest way to double your money? Fold it in half!

• A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help."If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

• I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.

• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

• ‘I used to live in a sub-basement. The janitor that had the apartment during the Depression had some stocks. When the market crashed, he was wiped out. He tried to kill himself by jumping out of the window and up on to street level.’ Woody Allen

• Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!""That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!""And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!""That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!""And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!""That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

• An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family.""What is your fee?" the woman inquired."Two hundred dollars," was the answer.The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.

• A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus.""Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time.""Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation."Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"

• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

• During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities.The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

• A couple are arguing over money. ‘Do you know,’ says the man. ‘If it weren’t for my money this house wouldn’t be here at all.’ ‘Yes,’ says his wife. ‘And if it weren’t for your money neither would I.’

• A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

• If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do we call places to put money in 'Branches'?

• Misers are lousy to live with, but they make great ancestors.

• Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge.

• Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate."You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

• I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.

• A mink in the wardrobe often leads to a wolf at the door.

• A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

• ‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain

• Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

• What kind of money do marsupials use?Pocket change!

• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

• A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff… church, church, church." essories for it.

• The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits!

• Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
  
  Joe: I won it in a race.
  
  Bill: How many people participated in it?
  
  Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!
  

• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

• Our family was so poor our Christmas dinner was the leftovers from our last Christmas dinner.

• Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.

• I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

• Our body cells renew while asleep. If only our wallets could do the same.

• Think nobody knows you’re alive? Try missing a payment.

• An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent."Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

• Getting money out of my father was like taking candy from a baby. He used to scream and cry like hell.

• OK, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

• The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.

• Harry to Tom: ‘My uncle died last week. Left me sod all.’ Tom: ‘Wow. Sod Hall. How many rooms has it got?’

• What king of money do fishermen make?Net profits!

• ‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.It was my grandfather.’

• Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

• The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector.The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

• A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

• Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

• Patient: "Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don’t mind. Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?"Doctor: "You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc."

• Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?' His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?' Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

• Why did the mobster put his money in the freezer?He liked cold hard cash!

• Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?""No, sweetheart," she responds.Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?""Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says."One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks."Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

• A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.The thief was spending less then his wife.

• A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

• A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician. Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. The technician answered, "$100,000.00". The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill." The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper: -Turning of one screw: $1.00. -Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.

• How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?Four.One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.

• If George Washington were alive today, why couldn't he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.

• He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas. His parents could only afford a yo.

• An old miser comes into the bank with a huge bag of coins. ‘Gracious,’ says the bank teller. ‘Did you hoard all that yourself?’ ‘No,’ replies the miser. ‘My sister whored most of it.’

• Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.

• ‘If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.’ John Paul Getty A woman rings her insurance company. ‘Our house burnt down and I want £100,000,’ she says.

• Did you hear about the gypsy who won the Lottery? He got paid in travellers’ cheques.

• Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

• Where do fish keep their money?In a river bank!

• I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

• ‘Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.’ Groucho Marx

• What's six inches long that women love? Folding money.

• A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman out shopping. ‘I haven’t eaten anything in four days,’ he says. She looks at him and says, ‘God, I wish I had your willpower.’

• Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they take away your credit card.

• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

• I have all the money I'll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

• A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter."That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor."Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store.As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned.He returned to the store shortly."Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?""Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

• ‘We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army surplus store. She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick.’ Bob Hope

• There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

• Harry’s so cheap, he didn’t buy his wife a pearl necklace, he got her a length of string and told her to start a collection.

• If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

• Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

• He was so poor all he had to wear as a boy were hand-me-downs. The real shame was that he had five older sisters.

• All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

• I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.

• Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."Friend: "What did he do?"Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

• Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.

• I was taken short in the back of a taxi. Because of all the mess I gave the driver a ten-pound note. Mind you it had only been a fiver before I wiped myself with it.

• At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage."Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.""You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

• I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?

• Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out '' I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!'' The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out,''I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!''

• What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.

• You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

• We were so poor we couldn’t get rid of the roaches in our house because they paid half the rent.

• Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness."Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."

• When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.

• Why is it that when a man talks nasty to a women it’s sexual harassment, but when a women talks nasty to a man it’s £3.99 a minute?

• A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God, “How long is a billion years to you?”God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”And God replies, “In a sec.”

• The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?""Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

• If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).

• What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

• Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, "Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?" "Whada ya win?" "A million dollars!" said the redneck. "You get a dollar a year for a million years." "How much are they each?" "Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"

• My grandfather came from a very poor family. The only time he tasted meat was when he bit his tongue.

• The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”

• Did you hear about the cover-all insurance policy? If you bump your head, they pay you a lump sum.

• Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

• There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

• Many people get valuable furniture on hire purchase, it’s not that expensive when they buy it, but by the time it’s paid for they’re usually antiques.

• What’s the best way to stop water coming into your house? Don’t pay the water bill.

• Budgeting: When you work out that the money you owe is exactly the same as the money you spent.

• A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. "Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman. "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

• Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

• Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it." "I've spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."

• He’s in debt up to his eyes. The only thing he’s paid for is his hat.

• I hate paying my income tax.You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? I'd like to but they insist on money!

• A worker goes to his boss and says, ‘You have to give me a raise. There are three other companies after me.’‘Is that so?’ says the manager. ‘And what companies are those?’ The worker replies, ‘The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.’

• Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent it for a couple of hours.

• Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.

• ‘Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.’ Spike Milligan

• Ted said to his friend, 'can you lend me $10?' 'But I only have $8,' his friend replied. That's OK, you can always owe me the other $2!

• The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.

• Dad, would you like to save some money?I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

• ‘If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?’ Steven Wright

• Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.

• Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.

• Smile and the world audits your taxes.

• You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

• If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

• I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

• I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"I said, "£100 and it's yours."

• If God had meant us to pay taxes, he’d have made us smart enough to fill in the return form.

• A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

• I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balanceshe leaned over and pushed me.

• Back in the 1970s, 8 WAS enough.
  
  Fast forward almost 40 years later, 19 and Counting, STILL AIN'T ENOUGH!

• Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.

• Why’s a fat woman like a skateboard? They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on one.

• A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

• A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks."I'm going down to give blood.""How much do you get paid for giving blood?""About $20.""Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again."Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?""Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

• Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

• A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

• Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

• What’s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a Mafia actuary? An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a Mafia actuary can name them.

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

• I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.’ Jackie Mason

• A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor wouldthere be any "we" in the first place."

• She was so rich she even had monograms on the bags under her eyes.

• One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents."Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!"

• A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!""I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad."You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake.""I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

• Man, to friend, ‘My wife makes terrible demands for money. Two weeks ago she asked for £50. Last week she wanted £100, and yesterday it was £150.’ Friend, ‘What does she do with it all?’ Man, ‘I don’t know. I never give her any.’

• Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.

• My uncle is very mean. I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper. He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.

• An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.He notices there a machine with the indication: "Put A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!"Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits. The machine suddenly sounds;"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."The man blacked out with the machine's ability.So, he decided to trick the machine. He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot."You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago," says the machine."But it's impossible!" screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine. He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab. Then, he did the same routine."You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.-You're John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you.. lost the train!

• I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

• There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her.When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

• A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
  
  For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
  
  The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
  
  Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
  "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
  
  The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
  
  After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
  Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
  
  "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
  
  The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, no," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'
  
  "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
  
  "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
  
  The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
  Then he said:
  
  "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

• Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.

• A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

• Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezedPeople came in from all over the country, body builders, weight lifters, wrestlers, or anyone that wanted to try. But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons.Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon. So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup an hands him what is left over. Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed! "What do you do for a living?" they would ask, "Are you a weight lifter, a body builder?""No", he replied. "I work for the IRS."

• Why did the millionaire count his money with his toes?So it wouldn't slip through his fingers!

• A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays..."God, please let me win the lottery!I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

• An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check."That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it."

• An actuary priced an automobile ‘fire and theft’ policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, ‘Who’d steal a burnt car?’

• Two elderly gin-soaked colonels are sitting at the bar of their club. ‘Lend me a tenner for a month, old boy,’ says one. ‘What does a month-old boy want a tenner for?’ asks the other.

• Patient: "Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill."Doctor: "Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet."

• A 60-year-old millionaire has just married a 20-year-old model. ‘You crafty old devil,’ says his friend. ‘How did you manage to get a lovely young wife like that?’ ‘Easy,’ replies the millionaire. ‘I told her I was 95.’

• The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

• Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

• Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity", said the shopkeeper."No, I'll buy the chocolate. YOU give the money to charity!"

• What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.

• Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account. Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount. ‘Amazing!’ says the manager. ‘How did you do it?’ ‘Easy,’ replies Harry.‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’

• A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

• It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

• "Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?""Five bucks, sir.""And how much for my suitcase?""No charge for the suitcase, sir.""Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk."

• Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.

• When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
  
  Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
  
  Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
  
  Three days later, she became his stepmother.

• A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

• A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

• Why is money green?Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!

• I wouldn’t say Harry was mean, but last Christmas Eve he fired a pistol in the garden and told the kids Santa had committed suicide.

• A small boy goes up to a man in the street and asks him if he’s lost £5. The man checks his pockets and says, ‘Well, yes. I think I have lost a £5 note. Have you found one?’ The boy replies, ‘No.I just wanted to see how many people had lost a £5 note today. You make 72.’

• All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn’t buy happiness...All most people want is a chance to prove money can’t make them happy.

• If time is money are ATM's time machines?

• Harry staggers exhausted into his house. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ asks his wife. ‘I thought I’d save my 75p bus fare by running behind the bus,’ gasps Harry. ‘You idiot,’ says his wife. ‘If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved a tenner.’

• Last year I told the kids there was no Father Christmas, this year I’m telling the wife.

• The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

• A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!""I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad."You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.""What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake.""I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

• If I won the Lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.

• Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

• A woman's favorite position is CEO.

• You better hope you marry rich.

• The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

• Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

• Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

• Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?

• Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

• Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

• Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second…

• Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

• The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.

• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

• Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

• Remember when we spent money like there was no tomorrow? Well, it’s tomorrow.

• A kindergarten teacher spent a few minutes each morning teaching a new word to her class. She would tell the class the word and its meaning, then ask them to come up with a few sentences that included the word for the day.One day, the teacher said that the word for the day was "frugal."She explained that frugal had to do with saving, and a frugal person is one who saves.She then asked the class to come up with a sentence for the word.The class seemed kind of stumped, and sat there in silence for a few seconds until one little girl raised her hand. Instead of just a sentence, she came up with a little story:"There once was a princess who was stuck in a tall tower. There was a spell on all of the doors, so she couldn’t get out. One day, she heard a young prince who was walking by and singing. The princess called out of the tower, 'Frugal me! Frugal me!' So, the prince frugaled her and they lived happily ever after."

• A man wakes up after spending 20 years in a coma. One of the first things he does is ring his stockbroker. ‘Your assets have increased considerably,’ says the stockbroker. ‘The £20,000 you had invested with us is now worth £20 million.’ ‘That’s fantastic,’ says the man. Just then the phone starts bleeping and a recorded voice interrupts, ‘To continue this conversation please insert another £500,000.’

• People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

• Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

• How do you know you’re flying over the poorer part of town? You see toilet paper hanging on the clothes lines.

• A little monster was learning to play the violin,' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother. 'You should be on the radio,' said his brother. 'You think I'm that good?' 'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !

• Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.

• Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.

• The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

• After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

• A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

• No checks (Czechs are welcome).

• I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on.