Lesbian Jokes

• A man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink. The guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
  The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
  "What do you mean?" yells the guy, "Send her the drink!"
  "O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
  "And why not?" asks the guy.
  The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
  "I don't care, send her the drink." says the guy.
  So after the lady gets her drink the guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"




• A guy is cleaning out the closet he shares with his lover and on the top shelf he notices a large box. He carefully takes the box down.
  
  He notices a sign on top of the box which reads: DO NOT OPEN!
  
  Naturally he was curious so he opens the box and inside he sees $20,000 in cash and three dildos.
  
  Later that evening his lover comes home, and he immediately confronts him about the contents of his box.
  
  The lover is upset, but he proceeds, "Why are there three dildos in the box?"
  
  "Every time we had bad sex and I didn't get off, I took a dildo into the bathroom then put it in the box when I was finished" The lover replied.
  
  "Hmm, three dildos, twenty years together, that's not bad," The guy thought.
  
  "What's the $20,000 for?," he asked.
  
  "Every time I got a dozen dildos, I sold them."

• Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes...Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
  The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I`m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
  The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I`m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
  The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I`m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

• What a drag it is getting old...

  When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.

  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

  He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

  I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

  He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."

  I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"

  He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."

  I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"

  And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

•  A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.
  
  The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".
  
  Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."
  
  "Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."
  
  "Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."
  
  And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."

• There were men lost in the woods and they said lets all split up and if you find something whistle. So the first guy found a pop machine that said, "coke", "sprite", "pepsi" and "get a blowjob" so he put a dollar in and got a blowjob. Then the second guy found the same machine and he got a blowjob too. When they all met up guy one said did you find anything guy one and two said no but guy three said I just made two bucks.

• The closeted homosexual finally decides to confess to his mother that he's gay.
  "You mean," she asks incredulously, "that you suck mens penises and swallow the sperm of men who do anal sex?"
  "I guess that's about the size of it, mom," the young man answers sheepishly.
  "Then don't you EVER let me hear you complain about my cooking again!" the mother replied.

• The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and announced "who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up".
  A gay man stood up and said "I did".
  The preacher told him "since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymes."
  Excitedly, the gay guy said, "well I'll take him and him and him."

• Bruce the sperm was excited at the thought of seeing a guy`s throat. He rode in his ball to the bedroom of the man`s sex partner for the night. After the bullsh*t they got into action. The sperms got excited as they swung back and forth in their sack. All of a sudden they all rocketed through the tunnel of love and out of the man`s d*ck into the hole. They swam up the receptacle and then Percy remarked that he hadnt smelled anything this bad since the man they rode in worked in a fish market dumping entrails into a bucket and emptying it into a dumpster. Bruce then announced:"He straightened out! We`re up a c*nt!"

•  This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"The first lady says, "We're lesbians."The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

• Two lesbians are walking down the street, when one spots a gorgeous blonde walking down the other side of the street...one turns to the other and says "I'd like to eat THAT!"
  The second looks over and replies, "Naah, she's hung like a donut!"

• A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
  A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
  A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
  "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

•  It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
  
  The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
  
  So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
  
  The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
  
  The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
  
  He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
  
  "No, Sir!" came the reply.
  
  "Why not?"
  
  "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
  
  The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
  
  He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
  
  "Did THAT hurt?"
  
  "No, Sir!"
  
  "Why not?"
  
  "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
  
  Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
  
  "Did THAT hurt?"
  
  "No, Sir!"
  
  "Why not?"
  
  "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!

• A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the womengrew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a dayand they allowed him to have Sundays off.One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing.He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in theboat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad tosee YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's beena long time for me too."The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

•  
      Two guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their public act of indecency, they bolted away.
  
  The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend, I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass."
  
  Just then a voice called out from behind a tree, "Officer, I'm over here." 

•  Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
       A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
        Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
        The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
   murmur; be careful.'"

• A long time resident of San Francisco is packing allhis stuff into boxes. His roommate comes in & askswhat he's doing. "I'm leaving !" he replies. "They justmade homosexuality legal.""So why leave now ?" queries his roomie. "Gays havebeen part of the scene here for years and years.""Yeah, I know." he replied. "I'm getting the hell outof here before the d*mn fools make it compulsory."

• The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning some of the men in town.
  
  The homophobic sheriff dutifully arrests him and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"
  
  Chagrin, the queer smiles and says, "I'll need at least two hours."

•  What a drag it is getting old...
  
  When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.
  
  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
  
  He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
  
  I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
  
  He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."
  
  I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"
  
  He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."
  
  I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"
  
  And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

• Hymie and David owned a drugstore. Unfortunately it lit up in flames one night. David called Hymie to give him the news. He was distraught and asked Hymie to meet him at the store. Once there, David was pacing and screaming, (he had been taught well by his Jewish Mother)
  
  "Hymie, Hymie, everything is lost! My life! Everything!"
  
  Hymie stood stoically with his hands in his pockets.
  
  David screamed, "Hymie, my God what will we do?"
  
  Hymie stood there with his hands in his pockets.
  
  David couldn't stand the silence and blurted out, "Hymie I am crazy! I am pulling the hair from my head and you stand there with your hands in your pockets!"
  
  Hymie looked at David and replied, "David, does it matter from where you are pulling the hair?"

•  A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
  
  "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
  
  "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
  
  A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
  
  A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
  
  "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
  
  "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
  
  The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

• Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120#'s 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!!!
  The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!!!!

• Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.

  The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

  The robbery begins.

  The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

  "Perfectly," he said.

  He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.

  One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.

  Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

  About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

  The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

  As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"

  The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"

  "No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

• Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened tomention that he had gotten circumcised last week."Can I see it?" asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptlydropped his pants to show off his cock."Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

• Junior heard some grunting from the kitchen. Curious, he went to investigate. He walked in to see the milkman humping his motner in the rear. The milkman sees him and says,
  
  "It is okay junior. Your mother got choked and I`m just using the Heimlich Maneuver to get Her unchoked.."
  
  "Yes, Junior, you go back to bed. I`m getting unchoked."
  
  Junior backs off, but stays in the shadows of the hall to watch. He sees the milkman continue to hump, his mother gasp for breath, and the mailkman gasp for breath. When they had panted themselves out, he sees the milkman withdraw his huge d*ck, pull up his pants and leave. He rushes back to his bedroom so his Mom will not get on his case if she sees him.
  
  On Saturday, his Dad is babysiting him while his Mom shops for food. He asks to go play with his friend Danny, and the Dad tells him it is okay. Awhile later Danny"s mother drags him home by his shirt collar.
  
  "Keep your filthy little bugger away from my Danny!" she yells at the father.
  
  "You had better tell me what you did, Junior!" the father yells at him.
  
  "All I did was try to stop him from choking."
  
  "How did you do it?
  
  "I used the Heimlich Maneuver."
  
  How did you learn the Heimlich Maneuver?"
  
  "From the milkman"
  
  "When?"
  
  "A few days ago."
  
  "If you were doing it right, why was Johnny`s mother so upset.?"
  
  "I don`t know."
  
  "Tell me exactly what you did."
  
  Danny choked on his bubble gum, so I pushed him down on his bed, pulled down his shorts, pulled down my pants, and I started humping him like the milkman humped Mommy. I think Danny`s Mom got upset `cause it didn`t work, and I think it didn"t work `cause I couldn`t get my peewee big like the milkman got his."

• I want a commitment.
  I'm sick of masturbation.

  Haven't I seen you before?
  Nice ass.

  I need you.
  My hand is tired.

  You're the only man I've ever cared about.
  You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

  I'm a Romantic.
  I'm poor.

  I really want to get to know you better.
  So I can tell my friends about it.

  It's just orange juice, try it.
  3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.

  He's kinda cute.
  I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue!

  He's not my type.
  He won't sleep with me.

  I miss you so much
  I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

  I had a wonderful time last night.
  Who the hell are you?

  Do you love me?
  I've done something stupid and you might find out.

  Do you 'really' love me?
  I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

  I'll give you a call.
  I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

  I've been thinking a lot.
  You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

  I think we should just be friends.
  You're ugly.

  I've learned a lot from you.
  Next!!!!
  

• Two gay men were in bed fooling around when all of asudden the door bell rings. The first gay man tellsthe second, "Don't cum until I come back", and herushes off to answer the door.After a few minutes, he eagerly returns to the bedroomonly to find cum was all over the bed and sheets. Hesays to the second gay man, "I thought you wasn't goingto cum until I came back. The second gay man says to thefirst, "I didn't cum, ........I farted!

• Three elderly women, recently transplanted to a retirement home, were getting acquainted. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children."My son is the most successful doctor on Harley Street," announced one.Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful trader in the City".The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easy game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?""And is he a professional?" demanded the second."Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And not only that, he's gay".Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation."Ah, he's not doing so well."This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most successful doctor on Harley Street and the most successful trader in the City."

•  The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
  I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
  Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3
  a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
  cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
  realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was
  really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-wittedsolution, in
  order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally
  smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
  
  The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
  him "Midnight".
  He didn't seem p*ssed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then
  he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, Hesaid,
  "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh.
  sh*t..", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
  
  giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table
  and farted."

• These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me f**k you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!" Larrywent on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who f**ks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......

•  Q: Why do lesbians like whales so much?A: Because they have 50 foot tongues and breath out of the top of their heads!

• Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

  First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

  Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

  The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

• Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
  
  First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
  
  Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
  
  The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

• There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his cock sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial." The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.

  Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.

  After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."

• All over the world lesbians fight for getting the same rights as hetero people.
  In Indonesia, two of them couldn't get the allowance to marry.
  The officials said, "Two sarongs don't make a rite!"

• Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

  One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change.

  The docter puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

  Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.

  The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at ir.

  The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both fucked"

•  How can you make a gay man scream twice?
  Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your d*ck off on his curtains.
  Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
  He didn``t like the way he was being reared.
  Why do so many gays have moustaches?
  To hide the stretch marks.
  Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
  Went around blowing fuses.
  Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
  Only came in male boxes.
  What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 goverment employees in one room?
  100 people that don``t do d*ck!
  Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?
  What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
  
  A fruit stand.
  What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
  They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
  How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
  All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
  What``s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
  
  At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"

• 1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your
  number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.
  2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I`m not in my office right now, but
  leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange,
  mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.
  
  3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]`s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the
  tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I`ll stick it to
  myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.
  4) This is you know who, I`m you know where, leave your you know what, you know
  when.
  5) Hi. Now you say something.
  6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will
  come after you again.
  7) [YOUR NAME]`s palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone
  number and a brief description of yourself. If you are a man/woman hang up the
  phone and don`t call back. I`m not gay.

• A guy sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, the guy is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head.
  "Hey Bob, what's happening?" asks the bartender.
  "I'm in DEEP SHIT," repies the customer. "I just got caught screwing my neighbor."
  "Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?"
  "No said the customer, "HIS wife!"

• On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher decided to get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.  On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher decided to get to know the
  kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.
  The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
  The next little boy said: "I`m Andy and my dad is a mechanic."
  Then another little boy said: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease
  dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
  The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the schoolyard
  the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his
  dad danced nude in a gay bar.
  The kid blushed and said, "I`m sorry, but my dad is an auditor for Arthur
  Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

• Back in the days when the West was still "wild," the James Gang, led by brothers Frank and Jesse, robbed trains, especially when they heard there'd be a payroll or gold aboard. On one fateful occasion, a train loaded with gold came to a screeching, grinding, sparks-flying halt just before colliding with a huge Ponderosa Pine tree that had purposely been felled across its path.Amid the chaos of gunfire, whinnying horses and yelling, the door to one of the passenger cars flew open and in leaped Jesse James himself, guns at the ready, backed up by several of his armed gang members. After firing several rounds through the ceiling of the passenger car to further intimidate the passengers, Jesse yelled "Hands up, everybody. Ah'm gonna rob the wimmen and rape the men."A frightened but curious little old lady, intent on correcting Jesse, stood up in the middle of the coach and said "Jest a minute, Mr James. Don't ya mean yur gonna rob the men and rape the wimmen?"Whereupon, this fellow of questionable sexual proclivities, registering indignance and self-righteousness, stood, with his hands firmly planted on his hips, and said in a falsetto voice "Thay, you old Biddie, why don't you let Jesse rob this train the way he wants to?"

• 3 friends go on holiday together and when they check into thier hotel, the receptionist tells them that theres only one room left and it`s a double bedded room. They all think about it and decide just to take it! That night they decided that one of them is going to be on the left, one in the middle and one on the right, so they get ready and go to sleep. The next morning they wake up and the one on the left says "I had a dream that I was wanking" and then the one on the right says "Thats what I dreamt about" and then they guy in the middle says "You guys are disgusting, in my dream I was skiing"

•  In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister...In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she`s done just give her 10 Hail Mary`s and I`ll be right back."
  Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
  Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary`s would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
  In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke".

• A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.

  Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"

  "Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride. He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

  His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
  
  He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.

  His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

  Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'

  "And so, here we are!"

• The gay man had come to have a tooth extracted.
  The dentist approached him with a hyperdermic and said, "you might feel a little prick in your mouth at first."
  The patient smiled and said, "thank you".

• Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don``t laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
  Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he``s out back"
  After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.
  A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.
  In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
  "Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my d*ck was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."

• A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
  "Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
  "Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
  "Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
  "Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
  "Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
  "Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
  "Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
  "Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
  Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
  Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
  "47, " came the reply.
  "What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

• I went to the doctor for a checkup and he said, "I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is -- you have homosexual tendencies."
  "What's the good news?," I asked.
  Doctor: "I'm in love with you!"

• Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

  "What is your name?" he asked.

  "John," the guy answered.

  "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

  "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

  The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

  "What's your name?" he asked.

  "John," the guy answered.

  "Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

  "I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

  Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

  "What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.

  "No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

• Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good timeand ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractiveyoung man named Johnny who he talks to all evening.When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him overto his place.They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, andproceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quiteconcerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parkedcars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reachJohnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceedsto smash into parked cars as he's parking his.As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do youlike my feminine side?"

•  One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cabOne day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
  When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don`t want to offend you."
  She said, "You can`t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
  The cab driver then said, "Well, I`ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
  She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
  Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I`m single and I`m Catholic!"
  The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
  The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
  The nun said, "My child, what`s the matter?"
  He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied... I`m married and I`m Jewish!"
  The nun replied, "That`s okay. My name`s Bruce and I`m on my way to a costume party!"

• The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite.

  One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, "Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

  The manager did not understand the secretarys remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked, "By the way Mr. Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

  The secretary, who was also quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

• Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they starteddiscussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owneda factory, manufacturing furniture.  Why, just the other day he gave hisbest friend a whole house full of brand new furniture. The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at a car sales firm.  Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house. The fourth man just shook his head.  He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much.But he must be doing something right because,just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

• A fella swishes into a bar and takes a seat on a vacant stool. Waving his long-nailed hands about on limp wrists, he asks the bartender for a really watered-down drink.
  
  The man snarles and says, "Are you implying something?"
  
  The queen stands its ground and lisps, "We all know you water the drinks but that`s just what I want!"
  
  The barman gives the queen glass of water with two fingers of beer which the queen nurses while buying a round for the house.
  
  The guy on the next stool asks, "What`s with the watered-down drink?"
  
  The fella happily replies, "I`m celebrating my first Blowjob."
  
  The man next asks, "So why the weak drink?"
  
  The queen announces: "I dont want to lose the taste!"

•  Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by the police for a laugh.
  Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by the police for a laugh.
  So one of them offers to beef a copper, and promptly they are chased by two
  burly policemen, who are very p*ssed off. Soon they arrive at a two way
  junction. They decide to split up, so one runs to the right and escapes, and the
  other one ends up in an alleyway with a dead end. Fearing a sh*t kicking, he
  jumps into a bin, and pulls the lid over his head. 2 minutes later the police
  run in and one of them pulls out his truncheon.
  "Right, ya poofy wee bastard! If I find you I`m gonny ram this truncheon right
  up yer arse!"
  "I`m in here!!"

•  A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.
  
  Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"
  
  "Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride. He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
  
  His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
  
  He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
  
  His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
  
  Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'
  
  "And so, here we are!"

• A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane.The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news."So, did you jump?" the father asked."Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!""Is that when you jumped?" asked the father."Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.""Did you jump then?" asked the father."I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse.""So, did you jump?""Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your arse.' ""So, did you jump?" asked the father."Well, a little, but only at first."

•  There are three men walking in a pasture.
  the owner spots them and yells"Get off my land. Better yet,get over here or I`ll shoot you for tresspassing!"
  
  The three men run over to the man, scared of being shot.
  
  The man replies"I`ll tell you what.Go into my garden right up there and pick any fruit you want and come back here."
  The first man picks a strawberry and returns.
  
  The man says"O.K. If you can stick this up your ass without laughing, you may go."
  The man does as he is told and starts laughing. He is shot where he stands.
  The second man returns with a blueberry. The man tells this guy the same thing. The man starts to,but then starts laughing.He is also shot.
  Then the secong guy sees the first guy in heaven and says"You got shot because you laughed?"
  The first man replies"Yes."
  The first man the asks the second man the same question. The second man replies"I couldn`t help but to laugh."
  The first man asks why?
  The second man replies"Well I saw the third guy coming with a watermelon and couldn`t help myself."

• One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

  To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

  The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".

  The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

  The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

  To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

• What is a CAT?
  
  1. Cats do what they want.
  
  2. They rarely listen to you.
  
  3. They're totally unpredictable.
  
  4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
  
  5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  
  6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  
  7. They're moody.
  
  8. They leave hair everywhere.
  
  CONCLUSION: They're tiny Femme Lesbians in little fur coats.
  
  What is a DOG?
  
  1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
  
  2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
  
  3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
  
  4. They growl when they are not happy.
  
  5. When you want to play, they want to play.
  
  6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  
  7. They leave their toys everywhere.
  
  8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
  
  9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
  
  CONCLUSION: They're tiny Butch Lesbians in little fur coats.

• A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.

  In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

  He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

  Next he picked up a hacksaw.

  The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

  The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

•  Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
  "What is your name?" he asked.
  "Quack." the duck answered.
  "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
  "I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
  The judge didn`t see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
  "What`s your name?" he asked.
  "Quack," the duck answered.
  "Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
  "I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
  Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
  "What`s your name? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
  "No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

• A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
  
  As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.
  
  In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.
  
  "Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."
  
  The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

•  A man dies and goes to Hell where he is greeted by the devil:
  Devil: Hey, why are you bumming out?
  Man: If you died and went to Hell, you``d be bumming out too.
  Devil: Hell isn``t what you think it is. It`s fun down here. Say, do you drink?
  Man: Sure, I love to drink. Why?
  Devil: Well, you``re gonna love Mondays then. Because on Mondays, all we do here is drink. Hell, we have whiskey, tiquila, rum, vodka, all the booze you want to drink. We drink til we puke then we drink more.
  Man: Ah, that sounds great.
  Devil: Do you smoke?
  Man: Damn right I do.
  Devil: Cool! You``re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Smoke all you want. You don``t have to worry about getting cancer because you``re already dead anyways.
  Man: No sh*t!
  Devil: You like gambling?
  Man: Hell yeah!
  Devil: Great! On Wednesdays, we have gambling night here in Hell. We have slot machines, roulette, craps, black jack, horse racing, you name it, we got it, and we just recently opened up a new pai gow poker table.
  Man: Hmmmmmmmmmmm, I never played pai gow poker before.
  Devil: Now you can. You like to get stoned?
  Man: I love getting stoned! You mean...
  Devil: That``s right man, because on Thursdays, it``s stoner night here in Hell! Help yourself to a huge bowl of crack, smoke a joint the size of a nuclear sub, do all the drugs you want and you don``t have to worry about overdosing because you``re already dead anyhow.
  Man: Awesome! I never thought Hell was one swinging place!
  Devil: Are you gay?
  Man: Uh, no.
  Devil: Oooh, you``re gonna hate Fridays!

• Two gay male lovers were talking and Bob says to Jon, "I wish I had chest hair like you" So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says "It will work in about two months." Two months later Bob has no hair on his chest and back to the doctor he goes. The Doctor says, 'Rub some Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.' Jon comes home that day seeing Bob rub Vaseline and asks "Why?" Bob says "to grow chest hair" Jon says if Vaseline grows hair you would have a ponytail comin' out your ass!"

• Two elderly gay men, John and Curtis were visiting each other at a Miami beachfront condominium.
  John asks, "So, what are you doing for excitement these days?"
  Curtis replies, "Oh, I watch the soap operas and the talk shows on TV. There's nothing else. How about you? What do you do for excitement?
  John answers, "What can one do these days? Once in a while I suck on a LifeSaver."
  Curtis says, "My, my aren't you lucky you live so close to the beach!"

• Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

•  The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite.
  
  One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, "Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
  
  The manager did not understand the secretarys remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked, "By the way Mr. Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
  
  The secretary, who was also quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

•  A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of themA gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
  The one who was giving the party said, "We`ve blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I`ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."
  The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in His hand.
  Next, it was the birthday boy`s turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I`d like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
  The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

•  Three guys are in a doctor`s office. One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.  Three guys are in a doctor`s office. One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and
  the third`s a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in
  their bad habit one more time, they will die.
  Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don`t care if I die, I need a
  drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops
  dead.
  Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a
  lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend
  down to pick that up, we`re both dead."

• The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
  
  Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
  
  Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
  
  The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
  
  "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

•  As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people...As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
  "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
  "It`s quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
  "Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid His membership fee, took off His gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."
  He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you`ve had two warnings!"

• Two gay guys are going at it. After they finish, one turns to the other and says "Hey, I feel something in my ass ... see if you can feel anything." So his boyfriends puts his finger in his ass and feels around. "I don't feel anything",the boyfriend says. So the first guy says, "No deeper...I'm sure I feel something".

  So the boyfriend put his hand in the guys ass and feels around. "I'm telling you there is nothing there" says the boyfriend. "No really", the guys says, "I can feel it, look deeper." So the boyfriend puts his whole arm in the guys ass and is feeling around when he touches something.

  "Hey, I found something,"says the boyfriend. "Well take it out," says the guy. The boyfriend pulls his hand out of the guys ass, looks at it and see's it is a Rolex. The guy starts singin, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you......"

• A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

  The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".

  Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

  "Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

  "Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."

  And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."

•  Two firefighters are buttf**king in a smoke filled room.
  The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"
  The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."
  The Chief says "why didn``t you give him mouth to mouth"
  The Firefighter says "How do you think this sh*t got started?

• Three men armed with shotguns stormed into a late-night diner. "Everybody down on the floor!" one shouted.
  "We're going to rape all the men and rob all the women."
  "No" another said. "That's wrong. We're going to rob all the men and rape all the women."
  At that a fag cowering in the corner piped up and said, "I think you should listen to that first darling."

• Translating Gay Male Phrases
  
  Haven't I seen you before?
  Nice ass.
  
  I'm a Romantic.
  "I'm poor.
  
  I need you.
  My hand is tired.
  
  I want a commitment.
  I'm sick of masturbation.
  
  You're the only man I've ever cared about.
  You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.
  
  I really want to get to know you better.
  So I can tell my friends about it.
  
  It's just orange juice, try it.
  3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.
  
  He's kinda cute.
  I want to have sex with him till my d*ck turns blue!
  
  He's not my type.
  He won't sleep with me.
  
  I miss you so much
  I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.
  
  I had a wonderful time last night.
  Who the hell are you?
  
  Do you love me?
  I've done something stupid and you might find out.
  
  Do you 'really' love me?
  I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.
  
  I'll give you a call.
  I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
  
  I've been thinking a lot.
  You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
  
  I think we should just be friends.
  You're ugly.
  
  I've learned a lot from you.
  Next!!!!

•  I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant...I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."
  I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma`am, perhaps you couldn`t hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn`t comply.
  Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
  Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I`m called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

•  Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.
  
  The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
  
  The robbery begins.
  
  The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
  
  "Perfectly," he said.
  
  He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
  
  One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.
  
  Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.
  
  About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
  
  The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
  
  As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"
  
  The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"
  
  "No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

• A bisexual man has filled in a questionaire and on the question "Sex" he wrote
  "Twice a week."
  "You should write here, male or female!"
  "THAT don't matter

• A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar oneevening and said to the bartender "Give everyone a drink exceptthat gay guy over there"About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, "Give everyonea drink except that gay guy over there"The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartenderasks why, and the gay guy says "I am going to put one in each cheek,go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!"

•  Q: How do you know when it``s bedtime at Michael Jackson``s home?
  
  A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
  Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
  
  A: A fruit stand.
  Q: Why did the gay man get a job at the loading dock?
  A: He loved taking deliveries in the rear.
  Q: Why do gay men make good linemen?
  A: They love penetrating the defense.
  Q: Why couldn``t the gay quarterback make it in the NFL?
  A: He was too foreward with His passes.
  Q: How do you make a lesbian anorexic eat?
  A: Put pussy hair around her dinner plate.
  Q: What do you call a fart in the men``s room of a gay bar?
  A: A love call.
  Q: Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
  
  A: He loved it in the can.

• A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He says, "Can I buy you a drink?"
  She replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."
  Later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Yes," she responds, "but it won't do you any good."
  After a few drinks, he decides to ask her to his apartment. Again, she replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."
  In his apartment he turns to her and says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
  She replies, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S a different story!! Bring her on out!!!"

• A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

  From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.

  The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"

  Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.

  The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

  The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"

  Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

  As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.

  In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

  All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

• A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?"
  He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
  A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off.
  The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?"
  The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon

• What`s the difference between a microwave and a gay man?
  Microwaves don`t turn your meat brown. How can you tell when you enter a gay church?
  Only half the congregation are on their knees.What`s the difference between a microwave and a gay man?
  Microwaves don`t turn your meat brown. How can you tell when you enter a gay church?
  Only half the congregation are on their knees. When in Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys?
  With a crowbar. 
  What`s the leading cause in death with lesbians?
  Hair balls. 
  What is the definition of confusion?
  Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. 
  What did one gay sperm say to another?
  "How do we find an egg in all of this sh*t?" 
  Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One says to the other, "Shall we go in and get sh*tfaced?"
  
  What does GAY stand for?
  Got Aids Yet? 
  What does A. I.D.S. mean?
  Anus Injected Death Serum. 
  What do you call 2 gays in wheelchairs?
  Rolaids.   

• Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so p*ssed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f**k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

• You Know You're A Gay Man If..
  - You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
  - You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and really mean her bathing suit.
  - You understand why the good Lord created Spandex.
  - You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear Spandex.
  - You know how to get back at just about everyone.
  - Your pets always have great names.
  - You only wear polyester when you mean to.
  - You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
  - You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
  - You've read the book, seen the movie. done the musical.
  - You know how to "air kiss."
  - You know that being called a "big slut" isn't necessarily an insult.
  - Sales clerks don't mess with you.
  - You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
  - You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
  - You have the latest International Male catalogue.
  - You wouldn't dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalogue.
  - You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.
  - You know who Barbra, Bette and Liza are.
  - You know the correct way to spell Barbra. Bette and Liza.

•  After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand."There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry."Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously."No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?" he asked."No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

• John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

  Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

  About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

  John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

  Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

• Quickies...
  Hey Santa! How much for the Naughty Boy's List?
  I'm just a Queen without a country!
  I'm not Gay, but my boyfriend is.

• A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.People are running frantically, trying to figure outwhat to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisperto each other and run in front of the choking lady. Onestrips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in frontof his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged foodfrom her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the twohomosexuals return to their food.One turns to the other and says,"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"

• Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you
  say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.
  
  "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

• Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There's only one stool left.

  One guy says "Lets flip for it"

  But another says "No, Lets flip it over"

• Two gay guys are going at it. After they finish, one turns to the other and says "Hey, I feel something in my ass ... see if you can feel anything." So his boyfriends puts his finger in his ass and feels around. "I don't feel anything",the boyfriend says. So the first guy says, "No deeper...I'm sure I feel something".
  
  So the boyfriend put his hand in the guys ass and feels around. "I'm telling you there is nothing there" says the boyfriend. "No really", the guys says, "I can feel it, look deeper." So the boyfriend puts his whole arm in the guys ass and is feeling around when he touches something.
  
  "Hey, I found something,"says the boyfriend. "Well take it out," says the guy. The boyfriend pulls his hand out of the guys ass, looks at it and see's it is a Rolex. The guy starts singin, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you......"

• Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who's penis is longer.

  Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem.

  He told them to stick their penis' on the bar and he'd tell them who's was bigger.

  Well just as the put them up there, another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet!"

• This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it`s a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."...This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it`s a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
  When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What`s the name of your penis?"
  The customer says, "Look, I`m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
  The gay waiter says, "I`m sorry but I can`t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called `Nike,` for the slogan, `Just Do It.` That guy down at the end of the bar calls his `Snickers,` because `It really Satisfies."
  The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what`s the name of your penis?"
  The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
  The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
  The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin` and keeps on tickin!"
  A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
  The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because `Quality is Job 1.` " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
  Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is `Secret.` Now give me my beer."
  The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
  The customer says, "Because it`s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

•  A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.
  "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
  "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
  "Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.
  "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
  "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won"t get rid of the taste, nothing will."

• Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
  "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
  "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

• Two Homosexuals decide to go to the carnival. One says to the other "Fancy coming for a ride on the chair-o-plane?"
  "No", says the other, "I've had enough."
  So the first man gets on the ride and starts to go around and around and around (you get the idea) and then a terrible accident happens. The ride spins out of control and the guy is thrown off the ride and lands in the next field. His friend quickly rushes over and asks, "Are you hurt?"
  The injured man says, "Hurt, of course I'm bloody hurt. I went around on that thing a dozen times and you didn't wave once."

• Two Lipstick Lesbians are on a plane when the engines start to fail. One of them runs back to the lavatory and opens the door and asks her partner inside if she shaved today.  She says, "Yes, why?"  "Whew, that's good! The flight attendant told me to run back and get you cause we'll be going down in less than two minutes." 

• An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs.
  However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.
  Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".
  Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.
  So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?".
  The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".
  Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.

• There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

  The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

  The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

  The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

  The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

  The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

  The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

  Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

  The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
  

• The Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need To Know About Gay People:
  
  10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.
  9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.
  8. We also didn't invent the colour black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.
  7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.
  6. Our so-called "radar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception
  5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!
  4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.
  3. If he is using two or more hair products at any one time, yes, he is.
  2. If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too.
  
  And the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...
  
  1. Relax, we don't want you!

• Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who's penis is longer.
  
  Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem.
  
  He told them to stick their penis' on the bar and he'd tell them who's was bigger.
  
  Well just as the put them up there, another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet!"

•  A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.
  
  In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
  
  He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
  
  Next he picked up a hacksaw.
  
  The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
  
  The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

• One day a young gay man walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and in a very high falsetto voice asks "Can I have a Diet Pepsi?"
  
  
  The bartender replied, "Hey -- we only serve loggers and cowboys around here."
  
  
  The young man replies. "Oh please, I just want a Diet Pepsi."
  
  
  The bartender says "Well, O.K. - but you sit at the back of the bar, don`t talk to anyone, and when your drink is gone, you`re outta here."
  
  
  A few minutes later a big old bruiser comes in, and bellies up to the bar. In a real gruff voice he announces "I`m so thirsty I could lick the sweat off the balls of a bull."
  
  
  From the back of the room he hears "Moo Moo Buckaroo."

• A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

  After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

  "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

  "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

  "I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

  "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

  "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

  "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

  "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

  The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

  "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

  The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

  One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

  "What?" asks the guy.

  "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

  "What happened then?" asks the guy.

  "Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

  "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

  "Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

  "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

  "That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

• It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

  The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"

  So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

  The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

  The captain comes along with his swagger stick.

  He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

  "No, Sir!" came the reply.

  "Why not?"

  "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

  The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.

  He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

  "Did THAT hurt?"

  "No, Sir!"

  "Why not?"

  "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

  Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

  "Did THAT hurt?"

  "No, Sir!"

  "Why not?"

  "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

• The police department received a call at 1A.M. from a professor at the local university who reported a break-in.
  "The man was a huge brute," the professor reported. "He ripped the covers off the bed and found me sleeping naked. He looked at me in the most vile possible way and then he exposed this incredibly large penis."
  "That sounds awful," The sympathetic police clerk responded.
  "That's not the worst part. He made me put that disgusting thing in my mouth, then he turned me over and shoved it up my ass until I felt like I would split in two. Then he p*ssed all over me."
  "We'll send a squad over right away to look for him," the clerk said.
  "Oh, you don't have to do that," the professor said. He's in the shower now. Why don't you just come over and pick him up in the morning."

• Two older, suburban homosexual gentlemen had been living together for a couple of years and were getting bored with their lives. There were looking at knickknacks at a yard sale in the Castro when the first one named Scott, came upon what appeared to be a very rare find. "Look Jim, I just found the most marvelous pot. It`s pretty dirty but I`ll clean it up and it will look fabulous in our den!" Jim agreed and the purchased the pot for just $10. Later Scott decided to dust and clean the pot and to his surprise he discovered after it was cleaned that it was made entirely out of gold!
  
  "Babe come here!" He yelled. Jim came running and Scott continued to polish until POOF! A huge genie appeared in their living room! "Do not be afraid," the genie said. "I am the genie of the lamp and you have freed me from 1000 years of imprisonment. For this I shall grant the two of you a total of three wishes as my thanks." The two stare blankly at the genie, at each other and at the lamp for a few minutes. Finally Jim says, "Do we have to give all three right now?" "No," the genie responds. "I shall give you three days to decide then you shall have to make your wishes." With that the genie disappears. The next day the couple decided that they would each get one wish and would pick the third one together. They decided to first ask for wealth. The next morning when they have awoken Scott found out that he had won $100 million on the lottery, and Jim discovered that he had a distant cousin (The Sultan of Brnei) who has died and left him $500 million. Later that day Scott asked for beauty. When they woke the next morning (in their Beverly Hills Mansion) they were both gorgeous. Jim was a full 6 inches taller, looked 21 again, but was more beautiful than he had ever been at that or any age. Scott lost all his blemishes, 50 lbs, and looked like a Calvin Klein model. Finally it was Jim`s turn to make a wish. But as usual, he couldn`t make up his mind (a problem he`d had all his life) so around midnight on the third day Scott admonished him "to hurry and think of something before it`s too late!" So Jim walked off to think about it. About 5 minutes later, Scott heard a loud banging at the door. "Who is it?" he says. "Open up boy! We gonna kill `ya!" A southern accent replies. Scott looks through the window and is horrified to see men in white robes and hoods on horses burning crosses on his front lawn!
  
  "HONEY! HONEY! COME QUICK! The KKK is outside our door!" Jim came running. "What in the hell are they doing in Beverly Hills? I thought this place was liberal! I`m calling the cops!" Jim says angrily. But the phones are dead because the Klansmen have cut the lines!
  
  "HONEY! HONEY!" Scott screams. "USE YOUR LAST WISH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY!" "I CAN`T!" Jim screams back as the Klansmen start to knock down the door.
  
  "WHY THE FUCK NOT?"
  
  Jim paused briefly and replies, "Because I ALREADY wished that we could be hung like black men!"

• Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
  
  Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
  
  "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
  
  "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
  
  "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
  
  "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
  
  "They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
  
  "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
  
  "Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
  
  Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

• A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

  He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
  They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

  After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

  After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."