Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is ticked. He storms into the Secret Service compound and yells, "There's a death threat on the front lawn! And it's written in urine!
I want to know who did it, and I want to know NOW."
The Secret Service agents scurry for the door. That evening, the chief agent approaches Clinton and says, "Mr. President, we have some bad news and some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first."
The agent says, "Sir, we tested a sample of the urine. The results just came back. The urine belongs to Al Gore."
"Oh my god," Clinton says. "I feel so ... betrayed! My own vice president!
What's the *really* bad news?"
"Sir, the handwriting belongs to Hillary."The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda,the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said: 1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body. 5. Do not panic 6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife. 10. Be sure your knife is sharp.12 "Let's speed this up--who *haven't* you nailed?"
11 "Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!!! What's it like? Is it fun?"
10 "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the booty call?"
9 "Can I have some of those fries?"
8 "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty cool?"
7 "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!"
6 "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of a probe for a change?"
5 "Would you, could you in a boat? Have you, did you with a goat?"
4 "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?"
3 "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you know butt-ugly?"
2 "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?"
1 "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.
She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?"Q: Why doesn't Chelsea Clinton have a sister?
A: Monica swallowed them.Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receiveQ: Do you think the terms of congressmen should be limited?
A: No, I think they should stay in jail as long as anyone else should.The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" ---Will Rogers
There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.
This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could
hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up.
As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy.
The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.
The man said, "Screw Thee."Once the Indian prime minister Mr.Rajiv Gandhi wanted to visit Ethiopia and he was successful in implementing his plan and he flew to that country,there he was very pleased to hear from the President that they can have a call to heaven for just 3 minutes at a charge of just 2 bucks.Rajiv Gandhi was very much pleased and he called his mom then his grandparents and every one.Soon after his trip he summoned all the Indian scientists and ordered them to build a telephone such that he can call every one from his own country, after one month the scientists came with the solution and Rajiv made the first call to heaven but the cost for 3 minutes was just more than 300 bucks so he summoned all the scientists and asked them why the charge is so high, it is only 2 bucks in Ethiopia for which the scientists replied that from Ethiopia it is just an local call but from India it is an ISD.
A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.
When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
THE FINDINGS ------------- 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS --------------------- Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.
REMEMBER: "Think globally, act idiotically."Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader.A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."An Englishman, an American, a German and a Jew are on a plane. The plane has too many people on it and it's beginning to sink.
The Englishman says, "This is for you Tony Blair" and jumps off.
The American says, "This is for you Bill Clinton" and jumps off.
Then the German says "This is for you Hitler" and throws the Jew off the plane.Q: What did Dan Quayle say when his wife blew gently in his ear?
A: Thanks for the re-fill, honey.One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of
the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."Campbell Soup announced today they would be
stocking America's shelves with a new soup called "Clinton soup." Named after a distinguished politician, it consists of one small weenie in hot water.HERE is Monica's TRUE reply to what happened.
Have you seen the mess on Monica's Dress, How it got there is anyone's guess
Her 15 minues of fame, All because of this sticky stain,
Now she sits before the grand jury, All amist a crusing media fury,
Raise your right hand and tell your story Ken Starr said in his McCarthy-like glory
Legs crossed and sitting pretty, She answered the questions...rather giddy,
Who Was there? What Happened? On this date or day? Tell All here, No lying! - NOW SAY!
Positions uncompromised in a "Secret Serviced" room When agents walked away when they saw 'you know whom'
She smiled and said. Don't blame me! Bill and Hillary are really exhibitionists -- you see
I just sat there and watched from the seat of the cot and then Bill pulled out and there was a shot.
But instead of landing where one would guess it shot so far, it landed on my dress
So there you have it the truth now be told I never actually touched it-- He was just too old.Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.
Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.
"That's it?" said the exasperated neighbor. "What if your father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?"
"Well..." Joe replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."One day President(eeeekk) Clinton was interviewing a new Presidential Page. His name was Kidhacker. 10 minutes into the interview, President Clinton asked Kidhacker if he wanted to see the Presidential Clock. "No no", retorted Kidhacker, "I've heard all about you and want nothing to do with it." After a few minutes of convincing, Kidhacker relented and agreed to look at the Presidential Clock. President Clinton led Kidhacker into a room off the Oval Office, where he then dropped his pants. Kidhacker exclaimed " That's not the Presidential Clock, it's the Presidential Cock!!". "Well," said the president, "If you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock".
Washington pundits suggest that citizen concern over raising the president's salary to $400,000 is unnecessary. The extra $200,000 is coming from the Chinese.
Five of our Presidents: Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg.
Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats!"
Carter said, "Women and children first!"
Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"Air Force One is flying across the country with the President and his staff on board.
Bill Clinton looks out the window and says to Al Gore, "You know I could throw a 100 dollar bill out the window right now and make someone
a very happy person."
Al replies, "Yeah, well I could throw (10) $10 dollar bills out of the window and make 10 people happy."
Hillary Clinton interrupts and says, "I could throw (100) $1 dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Chelsea Clinton over hearing all of this, rolls her eyes and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and please the whole country."Why are Democrats better in bed?
You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?(Sung to the "Beverly Hillbillies" Theme)
** Warning: The following song is not politically correct.
Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill Da poor President couldn't keep his "willie" still But den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...
Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.
Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Her mouth wide open and as happy as you please; Bill sez, "Oh yeah, mama, now just don't say a thing," "If you do a real good job then we'll have a little fling."
B.J., that is. Phalli osculation. Stars and Stripes Forever.
Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."
Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. Air Force One.
So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.
Bad girl, that is. Tape recorder. Fine clothes.
Well it didn't take too long until we all knew the score, 'bout all da stuff dat went down dere behind da oval door, Now da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More!" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, we gotta live with Gore.
Boob, that is. Tennessee Al. Mister Tipster.
So now ya know da story 'bouta Bill our President, Still wonderin' if dis fling is gonna cost him every cent. So da moral of da story is to do it quietly, And only show your Air Force One within your family.Subject: Chickens!!!!
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Pat Buchanan: to steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders: "I missed one?"
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any
chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!, the chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Bill Clinton (again): I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released "Chicken Coop 98", which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton (also, again): Define "cross."Did you hear Clinton wants to change our national anthem?
The new anthem would be "Yank My Doodle It's A Dandy!"Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton were together riding in a car in the midwest when they were caught in a tornado which threw their car into the sky. When it landed, they found themselves in the Land of Oz. "I'm going to see the Wizard and ask him to give me a brain," said Quayle. "I'm going to ask the Wizard to give me a heart," said Gingrich. "Where's Dorothy?" asked Clinton..
"POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS"
Dirty Old Man:
Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted:
Sexually dysfunctional.
Serial Killer:
Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy:
Motivationally deficient.
Fat:
Horizontally challenged.
Fail:
Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest:
Ethically disoriented.
Bald:
Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy:
Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor:
Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive:
Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst:
Least best.
Wrong:
Differently logical.
Ugly:
Cosmetically different.
Unemployed:
Involuntarily leisured.
Short:
Vertically challenged.
Dead:
Living impaired.
Vagrant:
Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift:
Negative saver.
Drunk:
Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant:
Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant:
Knowledge-based non-possessor.A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."
10. Appear on "E.R." as woman who keeps getting stuff caught in her throat.
9. Hire PR firm that improved Charles Manson's reputation.
8. Rejoin her old band The Go-Gos.
7. Become the U.S. Ambassador to Grabasslavia.
6. Help "straighten out" that Teletubby.
5. Change name to Sara Lee Lewinsky (because nobody doesn't like Sara Lee).
4. Break up N'Sync the way Yoko broke up the Beatles.
3. Perform Heimlich Maneuver on choking Hillary Clinton: Aim wad of dislodged food at Linda Tripp's face.
2. Lure terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden into trap by flashing her thong.
1. Stop the damn smirking.Q: Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
A: Because last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was almost impeached.A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a
sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's
field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He
then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later,
the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer
where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know
how them politicians lie."A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate for rent.
Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.
We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad."Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.After the scandal is over, Monica will have to decide on a career path.
It has been determined that she is a "shoein" for those milk mustache adsDad - Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son - What's up, Dad? D - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? S - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, say that I scratched the car. D - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? S - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. D - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? S - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that "I" did not scratch the car. D - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. D - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? S - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. D - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? S - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. D - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? S - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did "I" scratch the car?". >From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, "I" did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did "I" scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. D - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a smart alec? S - From The President of the United States. D - I see.
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against such claims. However the President would like to state that it is possible that a perfectly innocent incident has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to undermine his administration.
Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing as his zipper got stuck.
Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky.
In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the zipper.
For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr. Clinton's penis may have fallen out of his trousers.
As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be seen with his penis hanging out, she took the presidential penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible should anyone enter the room.
Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of her face so she could properly visualize his fly.
It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's fly, and it was during this time that another staff member entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the situation.
Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky.
He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick.
Winning Contestants' Entries:
# 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
# 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
# 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than a bomb in a letter given the choice to be blown.
# 4 There was a young girl called Lewinsky, Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski When on Kenneth Starr's lap she confided, when trapped, "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." * (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused with the ballet dancer.)A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences. Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted.
"Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig. Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for 10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what happened and the chauffeur says, "Well, I went in and told them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!!" "Well, what did you say?!" cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. "Oh, I told them that I was Rush Limbaugh's chauffeur and I'd just killed the pig."
By now, you know that Monica Lewinsky is set to make some big bucks writing a tell-all book. Here are some possible titles:
I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House How I Blew It In Washington You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President Clear and Present Boner Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule Going Back for Gore Podium Girl Secret Services to the President Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The Oval Office The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions She's Chief of MY Staff! Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes How To Beat Off the Government Going Down and Moving Up Members of the Presidential Cabinet Me and My Big Mouth How To Get Ahead in BusinessTwo military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base.
The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated on a round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book. He said to her "quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be Drafted and the MP's are chasing me!" She lifted up her skirts and said hide under my skirt.
The two policemen came By and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied "no".
After they left she told the young boy to come out all was OK He said you have a nice set of legs for a nun! She replied if you reach up a little farther you'll find a set of balls! I'm not going to be drafted either!Two young female Interns meet for lunch at a restaurant near the White House.
One girl says to the other one,"Hey, I just heard that the White House got a new computer!
The other girl says, "Really? What kind?"
The first girl says, "All I know is, it's got a 6 1/2 inch hard drive and no memory!"Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton are on the Titantic as it starts to sink. Jimmy Carter says "Gentlemen, Gentlemen, women and children first!" Nixon says "Fuck the women & children!". Bill Clinton replies, "Do we have time?"
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony "I have had enough. This whole experience has eft a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in myface.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. "Thank you." Monica LewinskyA United State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Coke right now!" He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the asylum?Man walks into a store and asks the clerk "Do you have any polish sausage."
The clerk replies "Are you Polish?"
The man says "Yes, but why do you ask. If I asked for Italian Sausage would you ask if I was Italian, or if I asked for German Sausage would you ask if I was German, or if I asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican.
The clerk simply answered "No."
The man asked him why he asked then he asked if he was Polish.
The clerk replied "Because this is a hardware store."Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?"
The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military
leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They
describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.Did you hear Monica switched from being a democrat to being a Republican?
Seems the democrats left a bad taste in her mouth!This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!Federal Bureau of Investigation Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC
DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Sorry,
The FBILet's play a game, its called bureaucracy, the first one to do anything loses.
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.There was a young lady who gawked Until Clinton pulled out his cock She said with a grin As she wiped off her chin Next time put on a sock
The Five Commercials Aired During The Lewinsky / Walters Interview"
(These actually aired during the interview)
5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To."
3. Oral-B Deluxe.
2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful leader in the world."
1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually has the power to remove stains!"The President and Mrs. Clinton were in bed late one night when Hillary
tugged on his elbow and asked, "Bill, are you awake?"
"What do you want?"
"I need a glass of water."
"Are you kidding? I'm the President of the United States. I'm not
getting you a glass of water. I don't get anyone a glass of water,
especially not in the middle of the night!"
"I'll get the water myself, "Hillary said. "I just wanted you to save
my place."Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: Row, Row, Row Your Boat. . .1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to
read you your last prayer.An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."
Why are Monica L.'s cheeks so puffy? Withholding evidence!
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas.
On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the
station was once Hillary's high school love. Bill was quite amused at this, but didn't mention anything at the time.
They exchanged hellos and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."We've learned alot more about what was going on in the '96 election thanks to Monica and Bob Dole's viagra promos. It turns out that we had a challenger who couldn't "keep it up" and a president who couldn't "keep it down"
Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule
************************************
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Kurds Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Me"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
8:30 - "Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other"
9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek
10:00 - "Matlock"A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three t-shirts on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK
The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK
And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her it was titled: NOT MILK1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes, you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in
some ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer ______.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.13. Videotaped "deposition" consists solely of Sharon Stone crossing and uncrossing her legs.
12. Judge Judy unleashes a stern tongue-lashing, telling everyone to "just grow up."
11. Senator Moe's frequent outbursts of "Why, I oughtta..."
10. Presiding Judge is wearing four gold stripes. And nothing BUT stripes.
9. Mandatory line dancing between votes.
8. Ten minutes into Hamburgler's testimony, you realize "Mayor McCheese" *isn't* a tacky name for Bill Clinton.
7. 15 minute recess involves a slide and monkey bars.
6. Strom Thurmond just moved.
5. George Will is presiding over the hearings and the "Rip Clinton a New Rectum" motion just passed.
4. No "Eau de Kennedy."
3. All testimony submitted in the form of a dirty limerick.
2. For $20, "Monica" allows anyone to play the part of "Bill" during the re-enactment.
1. Only vote against impeachment? Senator John Bobbitt.Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd.A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."Q: What did they find in Monica Lewinsky's dress pocket?
A: A wad of billsAn American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked, "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous
campaign rallys in the same park of a small New England town. After a
lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the
crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.
Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled
to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars.
The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd - shaking
hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes
it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a
man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."15. Statehood for Hawaii and Alaska
14. "Read my lips: Know knew taxis!"
13. Four years of unequaled prosperity for comedy writers
12. To "lead this great nation into the 20th Century."
11. New OSHA safety campaign: "Scissors Is Pointy"
10. A peaceful end to the Viet Nam war
9. Appoint Judge Reinhold to the Supreme Court
8. Spending cutbacks... except for funding of this cool rocket car idea I came up with.
7. More bondage between parents & children.
6. Turn over Marilyn's bulletproof hair secrets to the Department of Defense.
5. Deploy US troops to end ongoing ethnic violence between Star-Bellied Sneetches and Plain-Bellied Sneetches.
4. "By the end of my term, America will be fully prepared for the Y2K bug."
3. Support NATOE
2. Reduce the number of commercials on the Cartoon Network.
1. Will serve less than two terms if that job with Ringling Brothers comes through.More American Observations
by Yakov Smirnoff
Because there are so many restaurants in the Unites States, you'll have to
be selective. The very first American restaurant I visited was Denny's.
We didn't have Denny's in Russia--thank God! What a strange place. When
I want in to be seated, the hostess asked me, "How many in your party?" I
said, "Two million.". She gave me a corner booth.
You may start to wonder about some of the people who work there. They
all seem to look the same. I was curious to know if, to hire someone
there, they require a three pimple minimum. The hardest thing to get
used to is the service they give. I ordered a hamburger in one place
and the waiter asked me if I wanted him to "hold my pickle". I said,
"No, thanks, not while I'm eating." Then he asked if he could "toast my
buns." When he offered me some "secret sauce", I decided to take my
meal "to go". When he said he was going to put it in a doggie bag, I
just stuffed the food in my pocket and left.Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign AmbassadorU.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND BREAK-AWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND
The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an
all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two
weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its
break-away province of Northern Ireland. Along with
liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all
British culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing.
After the attack, NATO peace keeping troops will be sent in
to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without
the threat of attack.
"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention,
we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace
initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement.
A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the
Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:
Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and
to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.
Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the
Kurds. Oh yeah, let?s not forget all of the oil reserves we
would gain.
Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to
stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.
Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the
Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was
actually homosexual or not.
Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also
to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the
bull fighting rings.
Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.
Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.
Week eight -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that
they were bullied.
Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing
to use deodorant and razors.
Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the Confederate of
Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more
Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.
Week eleven -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might
finally be recognized as a "real" state.
"This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said
Madeline Albright, Secretary of State.
When asked whether or not the US would bomb Beijing in order to
free Tibet she responded, "something that practical would never
be on a military agenda."After the White House sex scandal, 500 women were asked if they would sleep with the President.
20% Said no.
15% Said maybe.
65% Said never again.Queen Elizabeth and Princess Di are driving down a deserted country road in a new Rolls-Royce. Princess Di is at the wheel. She looks in the mirror and sees an old car following them. The driver is wearing a ski mask and hat, and he has a rifle. He motions for them to pull over.
"Quick," she says to Elizabeth, "you hide your jewels, and I'll hide my money."
Di pulls over by the side of the road, and so does man. The man gets out of his car, slams the door, and walks up to them.
He turns to Di. "Gimme all your money," he sneers.
"I'm sorry, I don't have any money," Di responds politely.
He turns to Elizabeth. "Give me all your jewels."
"I'm sorry, I don't have any jewels on me," she responds politely.
The man scowls. "Get out of the car. Both of you!" They obey. The man gets into the car and drives off.
When the man and the car are gone, Di asks Elizabeth, "Where did you hide your jewels?"
"Oh, in that special place that women have." answers Elizabeth "Where did you hide your money?"
"Oh, I hid my money in that special place women have, too." says Di. She pauses for a second and looks down the road. "If Fergie were here, we'd still have the car..."Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: DuckOne night Hillary wakes her beloved husband up in the middle of the night:
Wake up Bill... I have to go to the bathroom...
Finally, Bill wakes up: What? You're waking me up cause you have to go to the bathroom? Can't you do that by yourself?
---Sure honey,... But please save my spot!National Public Radio recently reported that Monica Lewinsky had been in an accident with her Sport Utility Vehicle. Immediately, four things came to mind:
1. She must have blown a rod.
2. Obviously, her driving sucks, too.
3. It's not the first time she flipped over something with a spare tire.
4. I wonder how badly THIS accident stained her dress?Hillary wakes Bill about 3am to tell him she has to go to the bathroom. He asks her "Why are you waking me to tell me that?" She says, "I want you to save my place."
SADDAM IN FIT AFTER PROZAC RUNS OUT
Amidst the bombing, Saddam Hussein was heard wimpering that he was defying the US led embargo of his country only because it prevented him from getting his prescription for Prozac refilled.
"He is suffering the mother of all snits now that his medication has run out. We are fearful to be around him. It would be in the best interest of world peace to get him a megadose of Prozac so he returns to his happy, cheerful self before it's too late," one of Saddam's close advisors said after being assured anonymity.
A White House source admitted that the President had previously considered the option of a Prozac airdrop over Hussein's bunker, but he decided against it, imagining the world with a smiling happy-go-lucky Saddam was just too much.You can always tell a man who is a non-conformist, because he looks just like every other non-conformist.
---AnonQ: How much semen can Monica Lewinsky's mouth hold?
A: One U.S. LeaderTHE INTEROGATION
"STARR I ARE -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss" ---------------------------------------- I'm here to ask As you'll soon see -- Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her In your house? Did you grope Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that Here or there-- I did not do that Anywhere!
I did not do that Near or far -- I did not do that Starr-You-Are.
Did you smile? Did you flirt? Did you peek Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie When called upon To testify?
I do not like you Starr-You-Are -- I think that you Have gone too far.
I will not answer Any more -- Perhaps I will go Start a war!
The public's easy To distract -- When bombs are Falling on Iraq!10.Latest radio address to the nation ended with the phrase "You can all bite me"
9.Giving people on the White House tour the finger
8.Punched the side of Al Gore's head so hard he broke his hand
7.Threw half-eaten Big Mac from South Portico, beaning a Marine Band clarinetist
6.At recent Rose Garden ceremony, has Secret Service rough up some Spelling Bee champions
5.Blurted out to Roger, "Isn't it time you got, like, a job?"
4.When pizza was late, beat delivery boy senseless with a Yoo-Hoo bottle
3.Feverishly adds names to long list of guys he's going to slug the minute he becomes a private citizen
2.Actually talked back to Hillary
1.Every five minutes, he's threatening to bomb MexicoYou might be a Republican if . . .
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit . . .
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.Q: Why did Osama bin Laden blow up a KFC?
A: Because he thought he was attacking an American Colonel.Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky are opening a hair salon?
They're calling it "Cut & Blow"Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have
to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be
gay..."How many White house interns does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows. They're all too busy screwing the President.
LA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name:________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a
motor
vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: __________________. (If you don't own
a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.
TEST
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
the
news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company
for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax;
e) Valium.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form
ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
********************
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bulletproof virtual window
on your left.Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein says he will back down from a confrontation over UN weapons inspections in exchange for Monica Lewinsky.
"From what I'm hearing coming out of the White House, she is nutty and slutty which is just the way I like my mistresses. My SCUD missile is waiting for her," Hussein said from his bunker in Baghdad.
National Security advisors to the president were intrigued by the offer. "Monica's case is definitely distracting the president from properly focusing on the situation with Iraq and this may be a way to kill to two loony birds with one stone.
Besides our intelligence reports indicate that Saddam's need for sex makes Clinton look like a monk," one of the advisors said.WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PUT MONICA LEWINSKI AND COLORADO SENATOR BEN NIGHTHORSE CAMPBELL IN A CAR TOGETHER ? A BLOWN INJUN
Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.
Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.
Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.
Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.
Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."
Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?"
To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Politics Jokes
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