Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.
In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)10. A "baby monitor." Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.
9. A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying, "I told you that damn condom ripped."
8. Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn't roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out.
7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day. Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.
6. First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security.
5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.
4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can't see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.
3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card?
2. An open and empty condom wrapper.
And the number one fun thing to hide in your boss's office ...
1. A stained dress.Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"Irish Coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.
The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said. "A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."
The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?"
The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband. The maid asked, "I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?"
"Of course," the woman replied.
"Then how about five more inches?"A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, "One of my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I always fascinate people with my work."
The second politician, the republican, said "My grandfather was a magician, and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he would always fascinate us."
The third politician, an independent, said "I don't know if I can do that."
The MC of the debate said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best."
The third politician thought for a while then said, "I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight."A woman walks into a tavern, sits up at the bar and orders a Pilsner. She drinks it down and then "BAM" she passes out. The regulars not being ones to miss an opportunity, take her into the back room and have sex with her, then prop her up in the alley.
The next day the same woman comes in, sits at the bar and orders a Pilsner. BAM she passes out and the boys take her into the back room again and have sex with her, then put her into the alley.
The third day the same woman walks in and sits at the bar, and the bartender says "would you like a Pilsner today"? She replies "No more Pilsner, make it a draft, that Pilsner makes my pussy sore".
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.THE BEER PRAYER
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.Enjoy your next beer!
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.
CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting.
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."Q: Why don't Cubans take showers?
A: Because they are always washing up on shore.The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and
refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with
beer."
--- Homer SimpsonSome Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night. Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight. He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat. And all night long you could hear him roar "Bring on the God damn cat!!!"
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-- Jay Leno13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.
10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
6. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
3. Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.
2. Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going
to need to borrow your bra."
1. Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half?
"Ohshitohshitohshit!!"A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet
and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".Q: What do you do when a Polish person throws a grenade at you?
A: You pull the pin and throw it back.A Brit, an Irishman, and a Scot go out to a pub and order 3 pints. They each find a fly floating on the top of their mugs.
The Brit says, "Bartender, can I have a spoon?" and quietly removes the fly from his brew.
The Irishman says, "Get out of there!" and flicks the fly away with a finger.
The Scot picks up the fly with his fingers and says, "Alright ya wee bastard. Spit it out. Now!"A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!Drinker's Alphabet
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging C is for Class :What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party J is for Jail :Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home K is for Kissing :What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers L is for Lord :Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinkingFor his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."This guy goes into a bar and sees a man pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while then finally goes up to the drunk.
"What kind of a way is that to drink good bourbon?" he asks.
"It's the only way I can drink it since my accident," the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order.
"What kind of accident was that?"
The man guzzles another shot, shudders and then answers, "I once knocked over a drink with my elbow."Yesterday, scientists at Johns Hopkins revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 cans of beer and observed that 100% of them started jabbering instantly and couldn't drive.
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The President," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver."
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible" Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.
The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.
Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.
Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"
The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this."
Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
"My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"Q: What sign were you born under?
A: NO Parking.Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief: What trees do each spring.
Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.
Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.
Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".
Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".
Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test."
Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".
Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".
Man: "Can't do that either."
Officer: "Why not?"
Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!"One time little Johnny woke up one morning and saw his mom jumping up and down on his dad.
He asked,"Mommy why are you jumping on Daddy?"
The mom replied slyly, "Well daddy is getting fat so I am trying to deflate him."
Johnny said, "Ohhh! Well you're wasting your time. After you leave for work, the big-boobied woman next door comes over and blows Daddy back up."A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"Hummm
HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK
I COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM.
HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM
WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN.
HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY WRAP
AND GAZED UPON MY FORM.
I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP AND SCARED
WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM.
HE PRESSED HIS FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE
ICOULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP.
HE DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF
I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP.
THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE
SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE.
AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY
THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.These two strangers are having a drink at a bar. The one orders a beer and drinks it down rightaway and then sighs with pleasure. He immedietly walks over to the window jumps out and floats to the ground. A minute later he walks back in and sits down next to the stranger. The stranger can't believe what he just saw and asks for an explanation. The other man explains that when ever he drinks this certain kind of beer it makes him feel so good he feels like floating. The stranger has heard enough and orders the same beer and drinks it right down goes over to the window and jumps out, splatt!!! The bartender looks over at the guy left at the bar and says, "Superman sometimes you're such an ass".
Q: How did the drunk break his leg while taking a walk in the gutter?
A: He fell of the roof.10. Future Glue
9. Senor Sleepy
8. Parts On Order
7. Tax Write-Off
6. Two Fat Guys In a Horse Costume
5. Pothole Dancer
4. 2-Legged Pierre
3. Ebola
2. Kevorkian's Delight
1. CBSQ. Whats yellow and swings from cake to cake?
A. Tarzipan.Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Charlie says to Audrey, "Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?"
Audrey replies, "Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"SOBER: The condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
HER DIRECTIONS:
80 (SF). Just after the weight station near Cordelia (I think), will be an exit for 14 (Sonoma and Napa). Take it. Follow it all the way thru till you end up in Fairfield. There is a signal next to a beer joint, I think it is. I don't know . . . but you merge to the right which turns into a little two-lane freeway dealy. Go thru the signal. Go over the bridge thing. Then when you get to the next signal, make a left to go to Death Valley. You'll be on Carneros Hwy. Then, you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light. Turn right. The road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right. Veer Right. stay on this road until you see a buncha power stuff . . . ya know, those big metal
thingamajigs. There will be a stop sign. You can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln. Turn right and follow that to the end. It's kinda a long way. You will hit Old Bluewood Hwy. Turn right on Old Bluewood and follow it down past the 8 Ball (a bar that will show up on the right).
HIS DIRECTIONS:
80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancaster
RT Lassen StThere was a young man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to Earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years . . . Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, = very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zin: He's gay.There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?This guy walks into a doctor's office, interrupting an appointment. "Doc, you gotta help me! I'm turning orange down there! It's gonna fall off! The doctor, who has no idea what this could be, gives him a prescription, and says "if this hasn't healed up in a week, come back and see me!" Sure enough, a week later, the same guy shows up, very obviously upset. "Doc, the pills you gave me didn't help! It's worse now! You gotta help me, or it's gonna fall off!" The doctor, still trying to maintain his professionalism, prescribes him a stronger dose, and says "if this hasn't healed up in a month, come back and see me!" Less than a month later, the guy comes bursting into his office. "Doc, I'm really serious. It's fluorescent now. IT'S GONNA FALL OFF!!!" The doctor takes him into his conference room, and asks the man to calm down. "Now, what do you think it is? Stress related, job related, what?" The guy answers "well, it can't be...I don't have a job!" The doctor says "you don't have a job, then what the hell do you do all day?" The guy says "I watch pornos and eat cheesies..."
A man walks into the bar and says, "Give me three shots, one for both of my best friends and one for me." For the next week the man goes into the bar and orders the same thing. Until one day he goes in and only orders two shots. The bartender looked disturbed and said, "What happened, did one of your friends pass away?" "No," the man replied, "I stopped drinking."
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.
When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."
The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"
"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."Beer Belly - A gas tank for a sex machine.
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatmen; the bitch has EVERYTHING! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations- we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from Hell will result in action taken by myself and others.
PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe; he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.
Sincerely, KenEMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________
KNOWELEGE:
1.____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3.____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
4.____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q.
ACCURACY:
1.____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women
2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
4.____ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
ATTITUDE:
1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)
2.____ Brown noser in poor standing
3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job
4.____ Dosen't give a shit, never did, never will
RELIABILITY:
1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker
2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
4.____ Totally fucking worthless
APPEARANCE:
1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair
2.____ Looks great at evaluation time
3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch
4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him
PERFORMANCE:
1.____ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him
2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time
3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes
4.____ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma
LEADERSHIP:
1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results
2.____ Occasionally gets told to get fucked
3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get fucked
4.____ Couldn't lead a pack of hungery wolves to meat
I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy
Act of 1969. I further acknowedge I am as fucked up as a football bat
and will attempt to correct my deficiences.
EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE _______________________________________________
MANAGER SIGNATURE _______________________________________________FLASH!!!
Breaking News
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer
and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize
when wrong.
No further testing is planned.Q:Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A:So they have somewhere to put their ankles.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the
house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy
everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and
figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him
the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him
out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You!? No way! You get too violent when you drink."One night Jerry brought home a dozen roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she commented. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight dear. I have a headache."
The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love.
"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home an elegant gift, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are the pallbearers for your dead pussy."Once there were 2 kids One named Shut up the other named Trouble. So one day they were playing hide and go seek when Shut up was it he could not find Trouble so he called the police. When the officer arrived he asked what is your name kid Shut up said Shut up no really what is your name kid said the officer Shut up!! said Shut up. kid are you lookin' for Trouble? the officer said loudly yes replied Shut up
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."
A man walks into a bar. As he passes the cigarette machine, he hears it say, "You smell bad and you are ugly." Then he hears a voice apparently coming from a nearby plate of peanuts. "You really are a very handsome young man." the nuts claim.
The man turns to the bartender and asks for an explination.
The bartender replies, "The cigarette machine is out of order and the nuts are complimentary."Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on
every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.
When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.
When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised
each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.
On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three
drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did
this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.
This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about
the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to
keep with each other.
One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful
has happened, said "I am awfully sorry about your brother."
The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said "What happened to him?" The bartender
said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.
The brother then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol."It was late one night when a man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender to bring him a beer. The bartender did and the man quickly drank down the beer, then looked into his pocket, sighed, and asked the bartender for another beer. Once he received this beer, the man again drank it down and looked into his pocket again, sighed, and ordered another beer.
This went on for quite some time and each time the man finished a beer he would look into his pocket and then order another. Now the bartender had gotten curious and said, "Hey man, how come every time you drink a beer you look into your pocket?"
The man replied, "Well.....I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and I keep on drinking until she looks good, and then I go home."A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign over the bar which reads :
Cheese sandwich $2 Ham sandwich $3 Hand-job $10
He checks his wallet, then approaches the gorgeous barmaid.
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs" he asks.
"Yes" she says with a smile.
"Well wash your fucking hands and make me a cheese sandwich"Your momma is so fat . . .
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton to announce it.A policeman pulled a blonde over after she had been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. He asked her, "Do you know where you were going?"
She replied, "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the people were leaving."The Philadelphia Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage -- about 20 minutes -- during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming down several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists do) one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said. "No need to panic," said a fellow bass player, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string; it'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience
noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."PLEASE READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO TO CLUBS OR BARS AND DRINK.
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please alert your guy friends. And girlfriends, take heed. There is a drug called beer, that is essentially in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex.
Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.
Please! Alert all those you care about!
This has been a public service announcment.A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.A guy walks into a bar and sits down. Hey says "Barman, a black and tan please!" The barman makes him the best black and tan he ever tasted, using Guiness and Bass Ale. As he enjoys his beer, another man walks in and sits next to him.
He says "Barman, a Coors Light please." The first man says "Ahh Coors Light, that brinks back memories, like the time I made love in a boat." The other man says "What do you mean?" The first guy says "Well, It's fucking close to water."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes!. What
makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's
physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my
community, of reaching my full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"Beer nuts are $1.99.
Deer nuts are under a buck.One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk." The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay." The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye. The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar." The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why. The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
Santa Claus is not a woman. Here's why:
First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do NOT make your butt look fat."
Plus:
* Soot is a female irritant * Women don't know how to change the lightbulb in Rudolph's nose * Most women surveyed said they prefer little or no facial hair * Elves are not personal servants * Nice girls don't walk around saying 'Ho' * Mrs. Claus is not a lesbian.
Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. If Santa was female, she wouldn't have white hair, she'd be the North Pole poster child for 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'.
Santa Chick would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Pukes 'n Craps', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little kids in the world because they're far less threatening than really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'GI Joe Talking Adventure Team Commander with Kung Fu Grip'.
And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa samples each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn cookie jar would be missing and and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.
As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.
And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas:
"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."
If Santa was female, that line would have read:
"She never shut up, so Christmas was cancelled..."
Yep, Santa's a guy alright, as are most mythical holiday characters (with the exception of the Easter Bunny, thanks to Hugh Heffner).
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a manhattan with a plum in it.
The bartender says, "You mean a cherry."
She says, "No, I mean a plum."
The bartender says, "Look lady, I've been tending bar for 20 years and you're the first person that's ever asked for a manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?"
She said, "Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since!"One night a guy walked into a bar and sat down next to this guy. He looks over and sees that he has a little piano player playing beautiful music! He asks "where did you get that?" The other guy replies "See that guy at the end of the bar? He's a geinie, and he'll grant you a wish!" So the guy calls over to the geinie for a thousand bucks. POOF! All of a sudden a thousand DUCKS flew into the bar. So the guy says to the other guy with the little piano player "I think he has a hearing problem" The guy exclaimed "Do you think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?!?"
A really sloppy drunk is draped over the bar. The bartender tells him, "OK, you've had enough. I'm not going to serve you anymore, so get out of here and go home."
The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home."
The drunk leaves again.
Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough."
Again, the drunk leaves.
Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."A big, mean looking biker ties up a nasty german shepard in front of a bar, walks on in, sets down, and orders a beer. Shortly after, a gay man walks in and asks, "who owns that thweet doggie tied up in front?" The biker growls "its mine, who wants to know?" The gay man replys "well, my poodle iths killing it." "What," the biker roars with laughter, "the hell are you talking about? There is no way in hell your poodle can kill my german shepard!" "Oh yeth there iths. Your dog iths choking on it!"
A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking."
The first guy replies, "That is because you aren't doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will no tbe any complaints in the morning.
The guy agress to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."Why didn't Monica get the job at IBM?
She sucked too much at her internship!A certain eastern european country was eager to throw its hat into the ring. In a special session of the United Nations they shocked everyone, by announcing to the world that they were in the process of putting a man on the sun. The nay sayers scoffed "those men will burn up before they land"..."it's a ridiculous idea" ...but the representative proudly boasted "you guys are so stupid,we're goin to land our ship at night"....
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.Did you hear the one about the juy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, The beers are on me!. "My wife ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?" Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fortune....both of them were pregnant!"
An englshman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. "Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!" The american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left". Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishs them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left". Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will provide you with oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?
Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador Answered, "One of them is a cannibal"A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said,"P ardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added
to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer,
and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he
really needed them, right?While making love to his wife, Rajeeb discovered he couldn't concentrate. Though they were only married a few
years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless.
Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No," said his surprised wife. "Why do you ask?"
"No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just for one moment there I thought you moved."This man at the side of the road was fixing his flat tire. A police car stops behind his and the officer strolls to him to offer help. The man says he's doing OK and doesn't need help.
The officer takes a walk around the car to make sure everything is OK. He spots a large knife with a fancy handle on the passenger seat. When he enquires about the knife, the man says it's his and he uses it as a juggler at the local circus.
The officer then asks him to demonstrate his act to be sure the man is telling the truth, and the man goes through his routine.
Meanwhile a car with two recovering alcoholics drives by. The driver says to his passenger, "Man ... I am glad I stopped drinking when I did. It's amazing what they make them do these days at those roadside sobriety checks."An eyeball and a turd walked into a pub. The eyeball goes up to the bar and asks for two pints of lager. "Sorry, mate. I'm not serving you", says the barman. "Why not?" the eyeball wants to know. "Because you're out your face", saya the barman. "And he's steaming."
A guy took a blonde out on a date.
Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he
might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his
pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. "Do you want to
go in the back seat?" he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"DOH - The stuff that buys me beer. RAY - The guy who sells me beer. ME - The guys who drinks the beer. FAR - A long way to get beer. SO - I'll have another beer. LA - I'll have another beer. TEA - No thanks I'm drinking beer. and that brings me back to DOH!
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?""Why is American beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine."
-- David Moulton0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.
2 - Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.
3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.
5 - Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.
6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.
7 - Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.
8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9 - Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12 - Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Beer Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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