Teacher Jokes

• I pride myself on being patient when teaching driver education, something I have done for 30 years. I have encountered many, many students, who didn't seem to be able to hit the floor with their hat. But one incident was just too much.
  
  I had a sweet young thing behind the wheel for the first lesson of the semester. She had volunteered to go first and seemed ready to show the other two kids how well she could drive. We left the rural school and started toward town.
  
  As we approached the first stop sign, the young lady gave no sign that she saw it. We got closer, but she still did not slow down. Finally, I used the "teacher's brake" pedal, on my side of the car, to get us stopped.
  
  When I asked her why she didn't slow down to stop for the stop sign, she replied, "but, Mr. Smith, the speed limit is 35 ALL the way to the stop sign!"




• “What would you like to be when you grow up Tommy?”
  “I’d like to be a teacher, sir.”
  “Would you, indeed? And why would you like to be a teacher?”
  “Cause I wouldn’t have to do any more learning – I’d know everything by then!”
  

• The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in cold weather insufficiently clad. “There was one a boy,” he said, “who was so eager to go out and play with his sled that he didn’t put a coat or scarf on; he caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia and he died!”
  
  The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small voice said, “What happened to the sled ….?”
  
  

• Teacher: If you had 20p in one trouser pocket and 60p in the other, what do you have?
  Pupil: Someone else’s trousers, miss.
  

• I lost it fighting this kid you said you weren’t the best teacher in the school

  I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

  Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

  I put it in a safe, but lost the combination

  I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away

  Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing

  I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine

  I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to add to your already heavy workload

  My little sister ate it

  Submitted by raju.

• History Teacher: "Why was George Washington standing in the bow of the boat as the army crossed the Delaware?"
  Student: "Because he knew if he sat down, he would have to row."
  

• It was the firs day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.
  “Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?” Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.”
  

• Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

  “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

  Submitted by raju.

• Teacher: Today is the first day of the school, any questions?
  John: Yes, when will the Holidays start?
  

• Student: I would love for you to teach me a foreign language.
  Teacher: Certainly. French, German, Russian, Italian, Spanish?
  Student: Oh, which is the most foreign?
  

• Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. ‘If you had ten dollars,’ said the teacher, ‘and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?’

  ‘Ten,’ said Little Johnny firmly.

  ‘Ten?’ the teacher said ‘How do you make it ten?’

  ‘Well,’ replied Little Johnny ‘You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it!’

  Submitted by raju.

• An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:
  
  How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help?
  About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands. She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?
  

• The law professor was lecturing on courtroom procedure. “When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law.” “But what if you have neither the facts nor the law on your side?” “In that case,” said the professor, “hammer away on the table.”

• “If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

  Submitted by raju.

• A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

  The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

  The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.”

  The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.”

  He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.

  She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.

  He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?”

  The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .”

  “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”

  Submitted by raju.

• Jimmy’s English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.

  “This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read,” ranted the teacher. “It has too many mistakes. I can’t understand how one person would have made all these mistakes.”

  “One person didn’t,” replied Little Jimmy defensively. “My father helped me.”

  Submitted by raju.

• Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?

  Pupil: That’s not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

  Submitted by raju.

• In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, “Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them.” She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand.

  Suzie: ” I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched.”

  Teacher: “That’s a good story, now what is the moral?”

  Suzie: ” Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.”

  Teacher: “Very good Suzie, anyone else?”

  Ralphie: “Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke.”

  Teacher: “That’s a nice story, what is the moral?”

  Ralphie: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

  Teacher: ” Very good Ralphie, anyone else?”

  Little Johnny: ” Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife.”

  Teacher: “Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?”

  Little Johnny: “Don’t fool with Aunt Karen when she’s drunk.”

  Submitted by raju.

• A Student wanting to measure something asks his teacher, "Sir, do you have a ruler?"
  
  "Yes," answers the teacher, "She's at home watching the kids."

• Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

  Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

  “Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

  Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!

  Submitted by raju.

• "Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher.
  
  "A fight!” answers Frank.
  

• “It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, ‘I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”
  “Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher, “but you only have two ears, son.”
  “You see, sir,” I’m no good at math, either!”
  

• Son: Daddy, I got punished in school today.
  
  Dad: Why?
  
  Son: My teacher pointed the scale towards me saying, "At the end of this scale there is an idiot.".
  
  I just asked "Which end?".

• TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
  SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
  

• On the way to lunch, a teacher spotted two boys playfully fighting. She asked one of the boys to go to the back of the line and he came back right after.” Why aren't you at the end of the line?" asked the teacher. The boy replied," I couldn't, someone was already there."

• Teacher, "Martha, come to the blackboard and tell us on the world map where America is."
  
  Martha point to America correctly.
  
  Teacher, "Good. Now John, you tell us who discovered America"
  
  John, "Martha just did"

• A kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page illustrating several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?” Little Sue called out, “That’s the flag of our country.” “Very good,” the teacher said. “And what’s the name of our country?” Little Sue answered, “Tis of thee.”

• “How are you getting on with your exams?”
  “Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”
  

• What did the math teacher say to Dracula after he failed the math test?
  
  "Can't you Count Dracula?"

• Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?"
  "Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another."
  "And what would they be doing then?"
  "Building boats!"

• 
  An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:
  
  Duh ... shouldn't that be: "poll" the class, unless she was making a point ... WITH A POINTED STICK!

• A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.
  There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
  

• It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

  The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.” ”

  That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?”

  “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.

  The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter.

  The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”

  “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.

  “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

  The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

  “Is it wine?” she asked.

  “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

  The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

  “Is it champagne?” she asked.

  “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.

  The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”

  With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”

  Submitted by raju.

• Mrs. Smith, I ain’t got no crayons.
  Young man, you mean, I don’t have any crayons.
  You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons.
  They don’t have any crayons.
  Do you see what I’m getting at?
  I think so. What happened to all the crayons?
  

• TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
  DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
  
  

• On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
  
  "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
  
  A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

• Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

  “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

  Submitted by Rajan.

• Little Johnny’s 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

  “Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?”

  Johnny says, “Yeah!”

  Submitted by raju.

• TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
  brother's. Did you copy his?
  CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
  

• Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

  Much to their relief she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper.”

  Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: “First Question: Which tire was flat?”

  Submitted by raju.

• A man walked up to a school and said "can you teach me to read and write"
  The administrator said, "Yes we can"! Just fill out this form."
  

• Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
  
  However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
  
  Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.
  
  Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
  
  Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.
  

• There were three guys at a bar.

  One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.

  The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.

  So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "

  As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself"

• In chemistry class the subject was "oxidation - reduction.” The teacher was really excited and after the lesson asked the students in a very loud voice, “now tell me where is the electron? Where is it?" a drowsy student jumps up at this and shouts "o.k." Nobody moves. Sir, shut the door. We can still catch the thief"

• The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.”
  “I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.
  

• An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforces.”
  Her superior saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?’
  “Lollipops,” the teacher explained
  
  

• Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
  Peter: Because they had so many knights.
  

• Teacher: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
  Cindy: You told me to do it without using tables!
  

• These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

  1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

  2. I would not allow this student to breed.

  3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  7. This child has been working with glue too much.

  8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

  10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

  11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
  

• A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

• On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.”
  “A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”
  

• A teacher had been after her pupils to bring in their 2 dollars for the class picture.

  Upset over the tardiness, one day she got up in front of the class and said, “Class, think how much you’re going to treasure this picture 25 years from now. You will pull it out and say, ‘There’s my friend, Julie. She’s a lawyer now. There’s my friend Robert. He’s a doctor’”

  Then a voice from the back of the room interrupted, “And there’s my teacher. She’s dead.”

  Submitted by gursimran.

• Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
  Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
  Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
  "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

• TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
  FRANK: Because of the sign.
  TEACHER: What sign?
  FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
  

• The teacher came in to the room.
  teacher:Hello class the lesson today is…
  Then a kid interrupted.
  kid:teacher,why are you wearing sunglasses?
  teacher:come on class!don’t you understand I wear sunglasses ’cause you all are so BRIGHT!

  Submitted by Sheela Montinegro .

• The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
  
  "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'"
  
  or
  
  “that’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"
  
  A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
  
  "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
  

• "Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher.
  "A fight!” answers Frank.
  

• The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
  “Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”
  “Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.
  
  

• A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
  "Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
  An eager student gave his answer.
  "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
  

• Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
  Paddy: Seven!

  Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
  Paddy: Seven!

  Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
  Paddy: Six.

  Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
  Paddy: Seven!

  Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
  Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!

  Submitted by raju.

• A fifth grader class was on an educational trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes. “Why are you lying in the aisle like that.”
  “Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”
  
  

• One morning a boy walks in to class late

  His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"

  He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"

  15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"

  2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

• Two verbs, three adjectives, three nouns and a conjunction appeared in court. They’re due to be sentenced next week.

• Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam?
  
  Son: Absence.
  
  Father: You were absent on the day of the exam?
  
  Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

• Teacher:Students if a=b & b=c ,then we can say that a=c.Give me on more example…
  (A boy stands up and says…)

  Boy:Mam if i love you and you love your daughter then i love your daughter..!!!!

  Submitted by a?a?? ?s??.

• “Alfred, if I had 20 marbles in my right pants pocket, 20 marbles in my left pants pocket, 40 marbles in my right hip pocket and 40 marbles in may left hip pocket – what would I have?”
  “Heavy pants, sir!”
  

• TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
  MILLIE: I is...
  TEACHER: No, Millie.... . Always say, "I am."
  MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
  

• A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up.”

  After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”

  “No, ma’am,” he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”

  Submitted by raju.

• Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
  Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?
  

• Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What would you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”

  Little Johnny replies, “A teacher.”

  Submitted by raju.

• Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
  
  “Wake up, son.“
  
  “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
  
  “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
  
  “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!”
  
  “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
  
  “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
  
  “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!"

• The professor had just related to his history class the event where an ancient runner had covered the 29 miles from the plains of Marathon to Troy to finally cry "Victory - Victory" and then fall dead from the run. Asking for comments, the class sat quietly until one student, a cross-country team member from the back of the room quietly asked - "did anybody get his time?"

• Me: "May I go to the restroom."
  
  Teacher: "What for?"
  
  Me: "To Open The Chamber Of Secrets, What the hell do you think?

• The teacher said; Tommy, this is the fifth day this week you’ve had to stay after school. What have you to say for yourself?
  I’m certainly glad it’s Friday, said Tommy.
  
  

• The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
  “Nobody in school likes me,” he complained. “The teachers don’t like me, the kids don’t like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don’t want to go to school.”

  “But you have to go to school,” countered his mother. “You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the teacher.”

  Submitted by raju.

• A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

• A rather strict English teacher also had the responsibility of teaching “homemaking,” as home economics used to be called. The teacher noticed a student carefully applying lipstick and powder, rather than doing her home ec lesson.
  “Jenny,” said the teacher, “you pay more attention to your makeup than you do to your homemaking lessons.”
  “Well, said Jenny, “before I can home make, I have to catch someone with whom.”
  

• Teacher: Where is your homework?

  Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.

  Submitted by raju.

• An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. “Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can’t be president?”

• A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. “What’s the problem Carol? I hope it’s not homework again.”
  “Well, uh, yes, it is,” replied Carol “I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”
  “Carol, you’re right, that wasn’t a very bright thing to do,” said the teacher, “but his once I’ll let your just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
  “Oh, but that won’t work,” said Carol, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked
  

• Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
  
  Student: "Meat!"
  
  Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
  
  Student: "Bacon!"
  
  Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
  
  Student: "Homework!"
  
  

• Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of
  Baseball
  Jonah: Here’s my paper
  Teacher: Jonah, you spent only one minute writing your essay
  Lets hear what you wrote
  Jonah: Game called off on account of rain
  
  

• Question: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
  Answer: Because he was trying to see if his son was in his class.

• Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 
  "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
  "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
  "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
  "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
  "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
  "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

• The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.

  A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

  The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

• "Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
  “Huge hands, sir.”
  

• Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
  
  Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
  
  

• A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! “What else do you have?” asks the student. “Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?” The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. “I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know… math always was a little hard to swallow.”

  Submitted by raju.

• TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
  DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
  TEACHER: What are you talking about?
  DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
  

• A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

• Teacher: What are the four main food groups?
  Students: Canned, frozen, instant, and lite.
  

• Seven-year-old John had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
  Two days later his teacher phone his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.
  "Wait a minute," said the mother. "I had John here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

• Teacher: Dudley, can you tell me what the four seasons are?
  Dudley: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

• The teacher asked little Peter; "If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?”
  " Big Hands, " said Peter.
  

• The teacher asked the class to define “Pedestrian”
  Tom raises his hand and says: “A person who can be easily reach by car.”
  

• The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. When she had finished, she said, “Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns.”

  Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation, “Automobiles?”

  Submitted by raju.

• A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
  
  Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
  
  "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

• A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.

  Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.

  “Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

  Submitted by raju.

• A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen.
  The teacher smiled when Pete, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.”
  Pete stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”
  

• Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

  Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

  "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

  "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

  "Correct." Says the teacher.

  So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

  "Correct again." Says the teacher.

  So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

  Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

• Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked the teacher.
  I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking.
  

• In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”
  Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”
  “Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”
  “To get the best mark possible,” said Paul
  

• “What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?”
  “She done her shopping, ma’am.”
  “Done her shopping, Vicky? Where’s your grammar?”
  “She done her shopping as well, ma’am.”
  

• The teacher asks: Now, Susan, how may fingers have you?
  Susan: Ten.
  Teacher: Right. Now if you lost four of them, what would you have?
  Susan: No more piano lessons.
  

• A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

  Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”

  The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

  Submitted by raju.

• “It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher.
  “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”

  “Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher.
  “But you only have two ears.”

  “You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either.”

  Submitted by raju.

• A teacher sees a lad entering the classroom – his hands were dirty.
  She stopped him and said, “John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?”
  
  Smiling the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.”