Men Jokes

• What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.




• Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush."Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo-store salesman.""OK," says Ivan.After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car."

• Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

• I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

• John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I’m in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!"

• Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

• A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

• Why can't single women fart?They don't get an asshole till they get married.

• How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!

• What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.

• A beautiful woman delights a man's eye, an ugly – woman's eye.

• God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a p***s. The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

• A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste...All of a sudden the salesman asks her:"You're single, aren't you?"A bit surprised woman smiles and answers:"That's right, but how did you guessed that?""Because you're so ugly."

• Man's appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows.

• Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".

• Men are like.....Vacations.They never seem to be long enough.

• He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you inthe worst way. She: Well, you succeeded.

• If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.

• What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.

• Men are like.....CoffeeThe best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

• A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp. When he brushed it off, a genie popped out, and said "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.."The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied "I want you to bring peace to this area.""Ooooh...I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..."The man then said "Well...then how about having my wife give me oral-sex voluntarily...?"The genie thought for a minute, then said "Can I see that map again..?"

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

• The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

• I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

• Q. Why did the man cross the road? A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

• Q: What is difference between man and Superman?A: Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

• Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

• The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

• Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

• Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

• Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

• Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?Theres no place like home ...

• Men are like.....Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

• Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.

• We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!My girlfriend? She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else!One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.I was shocked and could not say a word…She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car.My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

• There once was a fellow from KentWho had such a long instrument.To stay out of troubleHe folded it double.And instead of coming he went.

• There are two types of guys: those who pee in the shower and those who don't admit it.

• Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

• Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

• John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

• There is the chief of Indians, and he is going down a field with his tribe, and they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men :"Does this look like sh*t to you?""Yes is does", they replied."Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief."Mmmmm..Yes""Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief."Mmmmm..Yes""Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief."Ammmm...Yes""Good. Don't step on it!"

• How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - It hasn't happened yet!!

• A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again.Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"

• A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

• Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

• Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.As smart as bait.Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.Forgot to pay his brain bill.His belt doesn't go through all the loops.If he had another brain, it would be lonely.Missing a few buttons on his remote control.Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.Receiver is off the hook.Surfing in Nebraska.An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.A few beers short of a six-pack.A few peas short of a casserole.The cheese slid off his cracker.Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

• If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

• It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.

• Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.

• What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

• Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

• A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.

• Why are all jokes about women one-liners?So men can understand them.

• The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.

• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

• A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "1 enemy ship on the horizont."The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die."So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?"The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting."So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont."The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."

• Why were men given larger brains than dogs?A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

• What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?A rumor.

• What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men.

• Why does a man prefer blondes? Men always like intellectual company.

• Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

• Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks "whats your name ?""Carmen" she replies,... "I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?"The man looks her up and down and sayes "Beerpussy ..."

• Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them.

• Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining.She said to her husband, "Nobody loves me….nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me!"Her husband, watching TV said casually: "That’s not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don’t even know you."

• If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.

• If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen.

• A man is talking to God."God, how long is a million years?" God answers, "To me, it's about a minute.""God, how much is a million dollars?" "To me, it's a penny." "God, may I have a penny?""Wait a minute."

• What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.

• What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

• How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?Both of them.

• You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

• Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

• Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?A: They already have boyfriends.

• Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

• My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

• One day Dan asks Bob, "So Bob what did you get for Christmas?"Then Bob says to Dan, "Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?"Dan says, "OOOOH WOW!Bob says, "Ya, I got the same exact color tie!"

• Two friends meet each other on the street.”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.”Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery.I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid.”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”.”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”

• What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."

• "What is the thickest book in the world? What Men Think They Know About Women."

• When you have a man staring at a naked Playboy model, be sure that he doesn’t wonder if she knows cooking, or if she plays piano or if she has a nice personality either!

• A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman."Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered."Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

• A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country." The man says "Oh is that where the job is?" The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

• Men are like......Bananas.The older they get, the less firm they are

• Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

• A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

• Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.

• A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"They each continue on their way, and ... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ... and dies immediately.If only men would listen...

• Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?So oxygen can get into their brains.

• Q: Why are men so happy? A: Because ignorance is bliss.

• I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

• How do men sort their laundry?"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

• For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.

• My Dearest Susan,Sweetie of my heart. I’ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won’t you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won’t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.Yours always and truly,JohnP.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

• Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

• Men are like.....Government bonds.They take so long to mature.

• A real man would never cry in public unless:He watched a movie in which a heroic dog dies to save his master. Or if Heidi klum unbuckled her shirt.Or if he accidentally dropped crates full of beer.?

• Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

• A plane is descending rapidly from the air, and the passengers are all scared stiff.Suddenly a women near the front of the plane stands up and takes off her shirt. She proceeds to yell, "Is there a man on this plane that can make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?!"She continues to yell this for about ten minutes before a man in the very back takes a stand. He proceeds to say "Yeah I can make you feel like a woman."He then takes off his shirt and throws it towards her and says, "Here! Iron this!"

• One spelling mistake can destroy your life!A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word:"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!"

• Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

• Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends.

• A guy has a talking dog.He brings it to a talent scout."This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent."Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?""Roof!" the dog replies."Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds."All dogs go ‘roof’.""No, wait," the guy says.He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?""Rough!" the dog answers.The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare.He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says."This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog.And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

• A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter."What are you doing?" she asked."Hunting flies," He responded."Oh, killing any?" She asked."Yep, three males, two females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

• What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

• Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?He had it bronzed.

• A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

  The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

  The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?

  He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

  Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

  Submitted by Neil.

• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

• Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

• When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

• What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants!

• A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

• A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

• I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons, I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.

• Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.

• There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

• A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

• Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

• The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.

• I came inside of her not because of the fame but because of the human life on earth.

• Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

• If women knew what men were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping them.

• The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.

• I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

• How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

• How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.

• Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any.

• A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

• A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!" A second man walks into the same bar. You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming.

• This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle.""OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?""A fottle, replies the inventor.""A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?""I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton.""And what do you call that?" asks the clerk."A farton", replies the inventor."That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!""In that case," says the inventor..."You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

• What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.

• So many boys, such little minds.

• What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

• Men and women were created equal but women continued to improve.

• A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired." Everyone laughed.The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone.He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.

• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

• Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!

• A man bought a new car.Next day he is driving his car to office. On the way he was waiting for the Signal.Suddenly he opened the door and got down. Then he went to the Traffic Police and asked him, "How much should I pay to turn right?" The Policeman was astonished and asked, "Why are you asking like this?" Then man showed him the sign board which was in the corner of the road: "Free Left Turn"

• Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

• What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!

• How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?He controls himself.

• My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

• What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.

• Why do men like smart women?Opposites attract.

• How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

• MEN Vs WOMEN1. MEN discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT. WOMEN discovered paint and invented makeup.2. Men discovered word and invented conversation. Women discovered conversation and invented gossip.3. Men discovered gambling and invented cards. Women discovered cards and invented Witchery.4. Men discovered trading and invented money. Women discovered money and invented shopping. There after Men have discovered and invented lots of things while Women STUCK TO SHOPPING.

• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.

• Why don't men have mid-life crises?They stay stuck in adolescence.

• Q. Why do men name their penises?A. Because they don't want ninety per cent of their decisions made by a perfect stranger.

• Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

• Men are like.....Laxatives.They irritate the shit out of you.

• A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”“What dear?” She asked gently.“I think you bring me bad luck.”

• A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

• I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah, three males and two females."Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

• How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?Make him wear shoes.

• One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

• I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!" Fucking b*tch.

• Girl:want to have a good time Guy:sure Girl:for you its free

• Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a man? A: Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.

• Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

• How can you tell when a man is well hung?When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

• Every man thinks he's a dream of every woman.Sorry guys, but the dream of every woman is eating all the time and not to get fat.

• Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.

• Why is it good that there are female astronauts?When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

• Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag."

• Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.

• A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

• Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

• Two factory workers are talking.The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."The man replies, "And how would you do that?"The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

• What is the difference between men and women?A woman wants a man to satisfy their every little need. A man wants all the women to satisfy their one and only little need.

• What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."

• What is a man's idea of helping with housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

• How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

• How is a man like a snowstorm? You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

• Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?""I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding.""You got a silver compact and a red pickup?""The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom.""I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot.""I don't care! Just do it!"The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

• A four letter word that every man is afraid of? (More)

• How many men would it take to mop a floor?No one knows; they've never done it.

• Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

• A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'

• Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

• Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.

• Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

• Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.

• A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

• Q: What is height of Stupidity?A: A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

• If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

• Ladies and Gentlemen, if there is anybody here who is feeling, worried, nervous or apprehensive it is probably because you just married John.

• How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

• This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed."One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

• A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.

• Men are like.....Horoscopes.They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

• He's a few clowns short of a circus.

• What's the worthless piece of skin hanging off the end of a penis? A man.

• Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?They already have boyfriends.

• John it’s alright muttering a few words in the church and finding yourself married, but if you mutter a few words in your sleep you might find yourself divorced.

• A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine.

• Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?

• A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him.

• What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

• A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

• Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.

• Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

• How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.

• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

• Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.

• Men are like.....Popcorn.They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

• I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.

• He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.

• Few women admit their age; few men act it.

• How are men like chocolates? A.They never last long enough B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot.

• A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

• I can honestly say in all our years of friendship, I have never heard anyone question John’s intelligence, to be perfectly honest I never heard anyone even mention any intelligence on John’s part.

• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

• Men are like.....Bank Machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.

• This french guy he wants to learn English.So one day he goes to an airport to learn "take off".Then he goes to the zoo to learn "zebra". Then he goes to the hospital "baby"So one day he walks up too a hot girl on a beach in a bikini and he said "Take off zebra baby" (take off the bra baby).

• A man left for work one Friday afternoon.Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"He replied, "That would be fine with me."Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?

• One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.J(ohnny):I want a pistolS(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?J: For shooting cans.S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.S: And what cans will you shoot at?J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...

• Wouldn’t it be great if men were made by Kodak!They would automatically shut off when they weren’t being used.You wouldn’t have to wait for them to recharge after each shot. They last longer and come with a warranty.You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.They come in fashion colors.You can keep them in maximum zoom.They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.The parts that count are portable.They don’t mind over-exposure.They respond to the slightest touch.The one you want is available at a KMART near you.

• Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?

• Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

• Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?""Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies."That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?""Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

• There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a "unicorn"

• Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

• Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.

• I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say.So I said yes.I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

• A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

• What does a man call true love? An erection.

• Q. Why did the woman bury her husband 12 feet under?A. Because deep down he's a good person.

• Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music.

• It is said that, a way to a man's heart goes through a stomach. Aha…you might think that men go to their lovers to eat some soup.

• Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

• What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?A scrotum pole!

• How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

• How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.

• Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

• (A) You are not Tom Cruise, (B) The guns may stop working at the last moment, (C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you, (D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf(E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"

• Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

• How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One...men will screw anything.

• What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

• Men come in three sizes: Small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!

• Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?A: A dic-tater.

• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

• Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win... they lose.

• What's the difference between a man and an ox?Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

• John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.

  “Not really,” says Mary.

  “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

  “No,” she responds.

  “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

  She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”

  Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”

  “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

  John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

  Submitted by Markel.

• Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.

• Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

• Being an ugly girl is like being a man......you have to work

• They put one man on the moon. Why can’t they put them all there?

• I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A.A dog is always happy to see you B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

• A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

  “What dear?” She asked gently.

  “I think you bring me bad luck.”

  Submitted by Abby.

• What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

• A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

  The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

  Submitted by Keven.

• What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

• A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

• An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

• Q: How does a man show he is planning for the future?A: He buys two cases of beer.

• The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.

• Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?A. Bonds mature.

• Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.

• A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog.One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite?"The man replies, "No my dog doesn't."The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "Thats not my dog", replied the other.

• Chinese and American are in a plane.Suddenly, Chinese puts his shoes off and American is angry.After some time, he goes to buy a coke, but Chinese says that he'll do it. While he's gone, American spits into his shoes. Chinese gets back and American drinks his coke.That repeats a couple of times,and after the flight American admits, "I spitted in your shoes, sorry."Chinese answers, "That's how we do it. We spit in each others shoes, we piss into each others cokes..."

• An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

• Men of quality respect women's equality.

• Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

• A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget."Wow," comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look."Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it. Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"

• John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.“Not really,” says Mary.“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.“No,” she responds.“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

• How do men define a "50/50" relationship?We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

• What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?A Saddle Light Dish.

• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

• Dad: Hey son want to hear a joke?Son: Yeah!Dad: Pussy.Son: I don't get it.Dad: Exactly...

• Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men? No phone numbers.

• What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

• What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin.

• Do you know why bankers are good lovers?They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

• A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

• A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

• A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

• Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire."Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?""Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."So here I am.

• A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

• What is a man's idea of foreplay?A half hour of begging.

• How many men does it take to pop popcorn?Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

• Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

• How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there's less ironing.

• A nude guy was sunbathing at the beach, a little girl comes to him, he covers his private parts with a newspaper. The little girl asks, "hats under there?"So the man answers , "A bird..."The girl goes away & the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a hospital & in alot of pain. A doctor comes up to his bed & asks, 'What happened?' The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach & fell asleep after talking to a little girl." So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses. When they got there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man...? She answers, "I din't do anything to the man, but he was sleeping, I played with his bird, After a while, it spat at me, so i broke its neck, burnt its nest, and smashed all its eggs!"

• A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body."I can’t wear your pants," she said."That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!"She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"

• Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.

• Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

• You don't like her? Drink more.

• What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

• The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you're sick of him.

• A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.Great says his mate, what is it!Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

• A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

• Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

• A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce dangling from his rectum. "That looks nasty," says the doctor. "Nasty?" the man says. "That's just the tip of the iceberg."

• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.

• Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. "Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

• Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

• What's one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job? The view.

• What food describes most men? Jerky.

• A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

• Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.

• She is not my reword, I am her punishment.

• Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling "Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!" She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the hell did she roll anyway?" The second dealer answered, "I thought you were paying attention!"

• My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

• Why do men name their penises?Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

• Ones the bus was full of people.A man looks at a lovely girl, she looks at him, he smiled, she did so, he told her get off at the next station, she did, he took her place.

• A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

• Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

• Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

• A man in a pub asks for a beer.The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar.""One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?""Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars.""Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

• 10 things men don't say1)Let's watch Lifetime.2)Sex is overrated.3)I don't want to go too far on the first date.4)Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.5)Don't we owe your mother a visit?6)I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.7)Dessert goes right to my hips.8)I hate when I miss Oprah.9)Does this suit make me look fat?10)I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.

• A Knight was getting ready for the crusade. Ha turned to his friend and told him:"My fiancée is the most beautiful girl in the world and I can't imagine her being with someone else, while I'm gone. You're my best friend and I trust you. Here's the key for her chastity belt. In case I never get back, unlock her and set her free."When the crusade Knights were a mile away from the village, the Knight gets an urgent message:"Mate, You Gave Me The Wrong Key!"

• A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words."Cold floors," he says.They nod and send him away.Seven more years pass.They bring him back in and ask for his two words.He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.They bring him in for his two words."I quit," he says."That’s not surprising," the elders say."You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

• Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

• How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

• Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming or going.

• Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle.Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.The border patrol guard stops him and says,"Hey mister what ya got in those bags?" "Just sand," replied Jose.

• What should you give a man who has everything?A woman to show him how to work it

• Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. So if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

• A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

• Two friends meet each other on the street.”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.”Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery.I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid.”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”.”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”

  Submitted by Lilly.

• A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."

• How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.

• A woman about sex has to know ‘why?' and a man ‘where?'

• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."

• How does a man show he's planning for the future?He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

• Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.

• He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh

• What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

• A true gentleman holds the door for his woman... then smacks her ass as she walks by.

• What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.

• Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"This time, Charlie replied, "I can’t hear you."The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can’t hear you."Finally, the priest yelled, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"Again, the reply was, "I can’t hear you."The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!"

• How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?The hero always gets his man in the end.

• Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee.

• Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has.

• If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife.

• Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

• 2 boys searching for their lost girlfriends:1st: How your girlfriend look like?2nd: 5'6, hot, sexy, blue eyes... what about yours?1st: Forget about mine.. lets search for yours.

• Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A. Breasts don't have eyes.

• Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor.

• What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room.

• A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

• Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love

• Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

• Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly."That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.The others raise their eyebrows."I'm getting a fax," he explains.

• Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

• I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

• Jennifer, wanna go to my place?I am not JenniferBut I didn't ask about that...

• Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.

• What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him.

• How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

• Q: What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?A: A widower.

• Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.

• Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her.

• A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

• Why is a man different from a PC?You only have to tell the PC once.

• Q: What would men do if they had breasts? A: They'd stay at home and play with them all day.

• Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.

• What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

• What do you call a handcuffed man?Trustworthy.

• What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

• John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through. His wife was really pissed.She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" She was serious too, so John got serious.The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

• How are men like diplomas? You spend lots of time getting one, but once youhave it, you don't know what to do with it.

• Adam goes to God and says, "I would like a mate to please me and make living joyful. She should be beautiful and perfect in every way.God says, "I can do that, but it will cost you a testicle, a kidney, and one eye."To which Adam replied, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

• Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

• Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

• What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.

• What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

• How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?Two ways to cross a river.

• Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"Woman: "Unfertilized."

• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

• A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?" The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"

• What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

• Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?A: He is all right now.

• Men are like placemats, they only show up when there's food on the table.

• Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

• Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

• A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news.""Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live.""That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

• Men? On the whole, I'd rather buy new batteries.

• What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?

• How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?A. One - men will screw anything.B. One - men will screw up anything.C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.

• Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

• You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

• You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.

• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

• Alex an Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwi's laying the turf out front."

• Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.

• Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife "look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !" Wife replies "yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse..."

• What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around.

• A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"God replies: "So you can love them, my child.""Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?""So that they can love you back, my child...!"

• If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.

• A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”“Yeah. But today is the last day”.

• A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can’t see what you have to complain about."The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned.""Ah"” said the priest, "a parable.""In a way, Father," replied the man. "I’m the only one who knows it pinches."

• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

• Why don't women have men's brains?Because they don't have penises to put them in.

• Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.

• How can you tell if a man is happy?Who cares?

• A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight."I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?""Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes."The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head."But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!""True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."

• A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

• I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".

• Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

• Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.

• Why does a penis have a hole at the end?So guys can be open-minded.

• When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

• Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie. They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk. The problem was getting Ken to listen.

• Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

• An advertisement:I change 40-year-old wife to two 20-years-old ones. Do not offer four 10-year-old ones.

• I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported.

• A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?"The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

• How can you tell if a man is aroused?He's breathing.

• A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

• 2 cannibals having dinner.1st says to 2nd, "Your wife makes a lovely stew."2nd answers, "Yes but I will miss her."

• A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!

• Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100.""Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

• What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

• A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

• Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?To stop the snoring before it starts.

• Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.

• My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess.""Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright.""No I must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!""I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!"

• Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft."Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." Looking puzzeled Joanne asked, "Why the postman?""Because… he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box."

• If you want to know why men are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!

• One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones."Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle."Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister. Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith."God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle."Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to prod her husband with the needle again.The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a***s!""Amen," replied the congregation.

• A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!." "No worries," replies the clerk. "We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs." "Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent. With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen. In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen. She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing?" she asks. "Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

• Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?To keep the swelling down.

• A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.

• What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward? It ends up in his mouth.

• Two guys die in a car accident and an angel descends from heaven."I am to give you your wings so you can fly to heaven. But if you think one dirty thought or act out one dirty act your wings will fall off." So they fly to heaven without any trouble but when they get there the first guy sees a naked woman walk by so his wings falll off. When he bends over to pick them up the second guy's wings fall off.

• I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

• What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?1) No mind.2) No business.

• What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?Big Foot's been spotted several times.

• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

• What is a "successful hunting trip"?When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

• What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?Telling you his real name.

• Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient."In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.

• There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?2 birds. The other 3 fly away!

• Q:How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A:None, the sockets go with the house.

• Men are like.....Commercials.You can't believe a word they say

• What is a man's definition of safe sex? A padded headboard.

• What did God say after creating man? I can do better.

• It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.

• Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?To knock the penises off the smart ones.

• The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.

• Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them.

• Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver...

• Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears? Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.

• An exhausted hunter out in the woods stumbled across another hunter.Hunter 1: "Am I glad to see you, I've been lost for three days."Hunter 2: "Don't get too excited, friend, I've been lost for three weeks."

• Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

• How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

• Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions!

• What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

• What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

• "Lisa, why are you so angry with me?""Because I'm Christine."

• Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?" Bubba says, "I'll show you.Do you have a weed-eater?""No.""Then you're a queer."

• How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

• Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

• Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.

• How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His senentences start with "A woman once told me.."

• By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

• Q. How do men define a long-term relationship?A. A second date.

• If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.

• Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

• When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it. Weirdos.

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.

• How are men like noodles?They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

• What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?Men always miss them.

• Men are like.....Weather.Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

• Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.

• Doc, says Steve, "I want to be castrated.""What on Earth for?""It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor.""OK, but it's against my better judgment."Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way."Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.""Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!"

• Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

• What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?Any place without a drive-up window.

• Three men were walking along in the forest when they were captured by a group of cannibals. The king of the cannibals gives the three men a challenge "If you complete this challenge, you will go free, if not we will eat you." The three men, not wanting to die, agree to hear the challenge."You most go in to the forest and pick out 10 of any fruit you find, bring those fruits back here" the king says.The three men head out in search of their fruit. The first man comes back with 10 apples in his hands, happy as can be. The king then says "You must shove those 10 apples up your butt without making a sound." The man reluctantly agrees to try. He gets the first one up without a sound, but screams in agony on the second and is killed and eaten.The second man comes back with 10 grapes in his hand. Again the king states the challenge. The 10 fruit up the ass, without any sound. This is going to be easy he thinks. He gets through the first 9 without a single sound. Just as he is about to shove the 10th grape up he bursts out in laughter. He is killed immediately.The second guy still laughing meets the first guy up in heaven. The first guy says, "What's so funny? You could have still been alive!" He replies "I saw our buddy coming back with 10 pineapples and a huge smile."

• How are husbands like lawn mowers?They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

• A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:"I was a father all my life,I had no children, had no wife,I read the bible through and throughon my way to Timbuktu ... "The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:"When Tim and I to Brisbane wentWe met three women cheap to rent.They were three and we were two,So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

• How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.

• How do men exercise on the beach?By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

• How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

• He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle!

• Confucius say, man who fart in church sit in own pew.

• What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.

• A woman is like a parachute – can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one.

• What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?Put the remote control between his toes.

• Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.

• What did Barack Obama become after his forty-seventh year? "Forty-eight years old."

• When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.

• How do most men compare to Mel Gibson? They have everything he has, except talent, money, and looks.

• ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

• What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"

• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

• Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.

• Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

• What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!

• Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One. Men will screw anything.

• The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.""Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives."For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.A few actually smirked.But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?""A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

• No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.

• What did God say after creating man?I can do so much better.

• S.I.N.G.L.E...sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!

• A young woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man wearing a cowboy hat. "Excuse me sir but are you a real cowboy?"The man says, "Well I have a ranch and horses. I go to rodeos and raise cattle and other livestock, so yes I suppose I'm a real cowboy."The woman says, "Well I think I'm a l*sbian. Women are always on my mind whether I'm working eating driving or whatever its still the same. I cant get women off my mind. Yes I think I'm a l*sbian." The young woman gets up and leaves the coffee shop.A short time later a young guy comes in and sits down next to the man and asks him, "Sir are you a real cowboy?" To that the man replies, "Well I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a l*sbian!"

• I’ve know John a long time and am considered a bit of a father figure to him. I have watched him crawl around on his knees, drink from a bottle and I’ve cleaned up after him but enough about the Bachelor Party.

• Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.

• 4 gay guys walk into a bar and notice there is one stool left.One gay guy suggest to play rock, paper, scissors and the other gay guy says."Stop all this nonsense. Lets just flip the stool over."

• I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.

• A man had a party where all the rich people attend. And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes. But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive. So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?" The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."

• A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.Three years later, there’s a knock on the door.He opens it and sees the same snail.The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

• It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

• What do men and sperm have in common?They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

• Three words to ruin a man's ego...? "Is it in?"

• When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

• All men are idiots...and I married their king.

• What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

• Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

• A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"

• Weak men have a lover, strong men – three.

• "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something."

• A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?""Canada, sir," the boy replied."Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada.""No sh*t?" replied the boy."Who'd she play for?"

• Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.

• A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle."His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

• Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the s**t out of you.

• Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

• What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.

• Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".

• Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.

• Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

• What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.

• A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train he said, "Ohh my god Texas chairs are really big."He went to a bar he asked for a bear and when the bar tender gave him the mug of bear the guy said, "Wooww Texas mugs are really big."Later he asked the bar tender were is the bathroom and the bar tender said, "Strait on your right."But the guy went on his left and when he entered the room he slipped and feel in the swimming pool and said, "Don't flush don't flush!"

• Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?A: Because they can understand them.

• A man went into the drugstore and asked for a deodorant."The ball type?" asked the clerk."No," said the dumb man. "It's for my underarms."

• Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

• What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

• Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

• What do you call a woman that works like a man?? Lazy.

• Your cock is so small you could use it to floss teeth.

• Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill."Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

• Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.

• If you catch a man…throw him back.

• Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'

• Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

• Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close they're connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

• Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.

• What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? "Are you done?"

• Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?A: Who knows it's never been done.

• A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music.""Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

• A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

• What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.

• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

• Can you say three two-letter words that mean small? Is it in?

• Never trust a man that says, "Trust me." and never trust a woman that says "It's fine."

• What's the Australian Male's idea of foreplay? "Brace yourself, Sheila."

• A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?""Food cold!" the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?""Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?""I quit!" said the man."Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

• Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"

• How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

• What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.

• Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

• A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary.

• Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"

• The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she's pretty he's not my friend.

• What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

• A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room. "Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!""That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!""Very good," says the doctor. "Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!"Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. "Doctor -- she died.""No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims."Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."

• Why do so many women fake orgasm?Because so many men fake foreplay.

• Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

• There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?""Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees," he bragged and took another sip of beer.His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison.""Well, then she said, "Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!" he admitted.

• Q. What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man?A. An oxymoron.

• If Men Ruled the World... Laws:Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.Car rental agencies would rent tanks.Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.

• Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

• Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.

• How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

• A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. “Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?” comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, “I don’t know.” The other trucker says ” You and your brother.” Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him “It’s just a joke – tell it to the next truck you see.”Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says “Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?” The other trucker says, “I don’t know, who?” The roadway driver replies “Me and my brother.”

• A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, "What is this Father?"The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..."Go get your Mother."

• If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.

• Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.The second guy wishes the same.The third guy says "I’m lonely.I wish my friends were back here."

• Why are men are like public toilets? The good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit.

• How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

• Stupid?He wanted to be a farmer. So he studied pharmacy.

• There's 3 army generals and the government decides to pay them any way they want measured.First guy says measure from the tip of my toe to the end of my finger.So they do and its 73 inches so they pay him $730,000.The second guy does the same and gets paid $650,000.The third guy goes measure from the tip of my penis to the back of my balls.They say OK drop your pants, so he does and they measure."You have no balls" they say."Yes I do," he replies, "they're still in Vietnam.

• The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know. Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?" "Oh," replied Jim " at Yale.""That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."

• A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

• Q:What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?A:Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears and Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception

• I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

• Men are like buses. One comes every 15 minutes.

• Something Special For His BirthdayIt was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?""I'm yours for super sex," she answers.So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."

• There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

• A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:"What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?""Well, I don't know" she answers shyly."OK, that I give you another year to think about it…"

• What does a man make best for dinner? Reservations.

• Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

• See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

• ‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?

• Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in

• How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?

• When God created the donkey, he said:"You’ll work day and night, and you’ll carry in your back heavy baggage. You’ll eat grass and you’ll have low IQ. You’ll be living for 50 years.""But my God, 50 years is a lot of time for that kind of life! Give me only 30."And so it happened.Then, God created the dog:"As a dog, you’ll guard man’s property and you’ll be his staunch/loyal friend. You’ll eat their left overs and you’ll be living for 25 years.""Oh, Mighty God. This kind of life is unbearable. Give me only 10 years to live, please."And so it happened.Then, God created the monkey:" You’ll jump around, tree to tree, and you’ll act like a fool so people can be entertained by you. You life will last 20 years.""No, God, please! Don’t let me suffer for that long. Give only 10 years to live."And so it happened.Last, God created the Man:"You’re a Man. You’re the only sensible being on the planet earth. You’ll use your inteligence to dominance the other creatures. You’ll be in charge. You’ll life will last 20 years.""But my one and only God, 20 years is not too long to achieve my goal. I beg you to give me the donkey’s 20 years, dog’s 15 years and monkeys 10 years."And so it happen.Since then men lives for 20 years as a man.Then, he gets married and works as a donkey for 20 years by carrying heavy baggage night and day.He haves children and lives as a dog, guarding the house and his property, eating family left overs. And when he grows old, he lives like a monkey. He’s his grandchildren entertainer by acting fool!

• Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

• I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.

• What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.

• After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle."That’s a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That’s still quite a bit," Tim complained.Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I’d like to see something really cheap."The clerk handed him a mirror.

• A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
  “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.
  “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.
  Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”
  “Yeah. But today is the last day”.

  Submitted by Abel.

• According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

• What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

• What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

• Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

• Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying."What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked."You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

• A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.

• A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down."The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy."

• Q: Why did God create Adam before he created eve?A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

• God gave man his penis and his brain but blood only enough to work one another at a time.

• What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

• On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".And Peter just sat there...On the couch...Naked!

• If a woman has fallen – an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her.

• How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

• Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?It keeps them awake.

• Five Important Qualities1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

• Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?Because they are tired of using their own.

• Why does a man like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

• 3 guys walk into a barThe first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records.The first guy comes back and says "I really do have the smallest arm in the world"The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

• A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano."Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man."Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie."You grant wishes right?""Yes." replies the genie."Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar."Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"His friends sitting at the table replies,"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

• How can you tell if a man is lying?You can see his lips moving.

• Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

• There's a lot of pretty woman at spring because during other seasons you appreciate them with your brain.

• Where does one apply to be a "kept man"?

• A man walked into the doctor's office and said: "Doc, I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice from his stomach replies: "No you haven't."

• A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?""No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose 'Carmen'""What’s your name?” she asked.He answered "B. J. Titsengolf."

• Q: How can you tell when a man is dead? A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.

• Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

• Men mostly hate two words: 'not' and 'enough'… unless you say them together.

• Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.

• Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

• Man: Great idea, bad design.

• Men are like guns. Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

• A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife.See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation!So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man?No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!

• I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.

• Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.

• Why do jocks play on artificial turf?To keep them from grazing.

• How is a man like a microwave oven? Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.

• After an accident...1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first.2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...

• Why do men want to vote for a female President?Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

• A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.

• What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?Exchange him.

• What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention!

• A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.“Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?” the Doc asked.“No,” replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!”

• A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."

• Three men go on a skiing trip, but when they get to the HOTEL they find out that the hotel have mucked up their rooms and they have to share one big bed.When they wake up the guy on the left says I had a well strange dream last night that I was getting a hand job, and then the guy on the right goes thats strange O had the same dream I was getting a hand job.Then the guy in the middle goes well thats strange because I had a dream I was skiing!

• How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

• Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends.The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey."Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?...Sugar."So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good.After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."

• I'm busy.You're ugly.Have a nice day.

• 30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

• A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.

• Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

• Men are like.....Department Stores.Their clothes should always be half off.

• What's the biggest difference between men and women ? Men are crabby all month long.

• Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink...

• What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

• A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner."Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede."Really?" says the man "How much?"The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50.Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"The centipede says nothing.Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing.Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

• A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

• Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.

• What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one.

• A guy walked into his friend’s office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed."Hey, what’s up with you?," he asked."Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She’s hired a new secretary for me.""Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?""Neither. He’s bald."

• What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?The man.

• How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

• Why did God put men on the Earth? Becuase a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

• Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn't like her.

• Real men don't cry…tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.

• Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay? A. They don't have time.

• Two men walked into a restaurant, the first one asks for tea. The second also asks for tea. "And make sure the glass is clean," he tells the waiter. When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"

• Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

• What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.