Sports Jokes

• A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
  He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
  knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and
  you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her
  and went back to his golf.
  
  On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
  with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
  me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
  
  He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting
  at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink
  to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked
  her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he
  was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
  
  She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
  
  "No, I wouldn't," he said.
  
  She said, "I sell tampons."
  
  With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
  
  She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
  
  "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
  salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"




• Tim asked Bob “What happened to your uncle’s boat?”
  “Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?” said Bob.
  “Yes, I have” replied Tim.
  “Well, he didn’t” said Bob.
  
  

• Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft"?To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of F*cking Talent"

• Four men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body. The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver." The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest." The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"

• You might not be a Bulls fan, but I know you felt it when this D rose.

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
  "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
  Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
  About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
  "We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
  "Wow," said the tourist.
  The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

• A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -"Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee".He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.The Voice again - "Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!"He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,"Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot"!

• Why did the captain lose the yacht race? He found himself in a no-wind situation.

• A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.""But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked."I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

• A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "ohh No, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

• What games do ants play with elephants?Squash!

• Two NBA basketball referees were walking through the countryside and they noticed some tracks.The first said, "Deer tracks?""No," replied the second, "Bear tracks."The conversation ended abruptly when the train hit them.

• "Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them."

• Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

• A true story, according to the LA Times.....Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

• Two guys are out hunting deer...The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky.""No," the second guy says."Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says."Oh," says the second guy.A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?""See what?" the second guy asks."Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!""Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"This time pointing behind them.By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

• Q: How many Vikings does it take to change a flat tire?
  
  A: One, unless it's a blow-out, then the whole team shows up!

• Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says,  "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

• Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

• One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following:1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

• What do you get if you cross a football team and an ice cream? Aston Vanilla.

• A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball.” So the next day the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked. The man said, “Are you understanding this game?” The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it. Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing. And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing.” Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four balls.” The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”

• I think that I shall never see
  a hazard rougher than an tree;A tree o'er which my ball must fly
  if on the green it is to lie;A tree which stands that green to guard,
  and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend
  to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there,
  while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me
  who cannot ever miss a tree.

• In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft. In today’s civilized society, it is called golf.

• A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
  
  The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
  
  Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
  A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
  
  The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
  
  "Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
  
  "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
  
  "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
  
  Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
  
  Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
  "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
  
  The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
  
  British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

• Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
  
  After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.
  
  He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
  
  Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, ’Should we take them with us or eat them here?’ I couldn’t keep quiet any more!"

• A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report."Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

• A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

• Supplemental Rules for Bowling
  
  If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
  
  When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
  
  After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
  
  When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
  
  After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
  
  If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
  
  A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
  
  

• The wife of a boxer wakes up because of the sounds that come from the dining room. She wakes her husband up:Rocky, I think someone wants a particular boxing lesson...

• A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of
  fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
  
  Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
  
  "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
  
  "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
  
  "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
  
  "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
  
  "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
  
  "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
  
  "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

• It was only her second date with a diehard baseball fan, and Sally was a little nervous. It was her fault they arrived at the ballpark a full hour after the game had started. Taking her seat, Sally glanced up at the scoreboard. It was a tight pitcher’s battle, bottom of the fifth, 0-0. “Look, John,” she exclaimed with relief, “we haven’t missed a thing.”

• A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
  
  "Where's Henry?"
  
  "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
  
  "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?"
  
  "A tough call," nodded the hunter "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

• Once a foolish teen wanted to play Cricket with the local boys. They allowed him, and when it was his turn to bat the Wicket Keeper said, "You're holding the bat the wrong way".
  
  The teen said that he knew. With the first ball he was out and the umpire raised his finger. The teen waved his own finger.
  
  The umpire said "You're out!".
  
  The teen replied "No I am not!".
  
  The umpire said "Look one wicket has fallen down".
  
  The teen said, "So what there are two more to go".

• How did the blonde die icefishing?She got run over by the zamboni!

• Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
  
  Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
  
  The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
  
  The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
  
  The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
  
  The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
  
  The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
  
  They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
  
  Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

• At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players."You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!""I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college.""What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded."I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?"The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case.""Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

• An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim

• You know how to catch a nice big trout? You look for a place in the stream where there's a sunken log or hole where the big ones like to hang out. Every day for a week, you throw in a handful of worms and a sugar cookie. On the last day, you just throw in the worms. When the trout sticks his head out of the water to see what happened to the sugar cookie, you hit him over the head with a baseball bat!

• A boxer is whining to the doctor that he can’t sleep.I won’t give you any drugs, you don’t need any. Use the classical method, the one with counting the sheep’s.I tried. But, every time I get to 9 I jump off the bed.

• Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."

• A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
  
  Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well it was like this said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
  
  We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
  
  I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wifes golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.
  
  What did you do? asks the doctor.
  
  Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife Hey this looks like yours!

• What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
  Cold Trafford!
  
  How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
  Somebody took a corner!
  
  Why didn't the dog want to play football?
  It was a boxer!
  
  What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
  The champire!
  
  Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
  Paul gas coin!
  
  Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
  Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
  
  Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
  Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
  Manager: How?
  Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
  
  

• Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel

• Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
  All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
  
  Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
  They prefer cricket matches!
  
  What stories are told by basketball players?
  Tall stories!
  
  Who won the race between two balls of string?
  They we're tied!
  
  Why are football players never asked for dinner?
  Because they're always dribbling!
  
  Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
  Because he liked sole music!
  
  What tea do footballers drink?
  Penaltea!
  
  Where do footballers dance?
  At a football!
  
  

• One day Steve Young died and went to Heaven. When he got there, God showed him to his new mansion, which had 49er stuff hanging everywhere. Then Steve looked out his new window and saw an even bigger mansion on the top of the hill. That mansion had Packer stuff hanging all over it, so Steve assumed it must belong to Brett Favre. So Steve asked God, "Why is Brett Favre’s house bigger than mine is?"
  
  "That’s not Brett Favre’s house," God answered, "It’s Mine."

• How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!

• The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

  “Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”

  “Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”

  He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.

  Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

  “You’re not there, sir,” he reported.

  “Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

  Submitted by zanny.

• One Sunday afternoon an older couple was listening to a holy station on the radio. They were about 98 years old and so frail, they couldn't walk to church.The preacher said, ''If you put one hand on the radio and one hand on whatever you want healed I will heal it for you.''So the old woman put one hand on the radio and one hand on her heart.The old man tried to not let the old woman see but he put one hand on the radio and one hand on his penis.The old woman looked over and said, ''He said he could heal, not raise the dead!''

• Fishing in a frozen lake It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

• In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They were astonished and said: "What a clever dog!" But the man protested and replied: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

• Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!

• A man comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Joseph in the games anymore.The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?""Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife."Well," says the husband, "neither would Joseph."

• Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
  
  Master of Judo
  
  Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:
  
  Escape from Dojo
  
  The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
  
  Sleeper Stance
  
  Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
  
  Sigh of Wisdom
  
  Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
  
  Crossing Fingers
  
  A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
  
  Gift of Instruction
  
  The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
  
  Seeing Without Seeing
  
  The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
  
  Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)
  
  Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
  
  Mugger's Defense
  
  Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
  
  Sensei's Downfall
  
  Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.
  
  Further requirements:
  
  Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
  
  Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
  
  Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
  
  Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
  
  Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
  
  Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
  
  Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
  
  Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
  
  Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
  
  Must be able to sing Karaoke.
  
  Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
  
  Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
  
  Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
  
  Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
  
  Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
  
  Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
  
  Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.
  
  Note:
  
  Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

• Did you hear that the boxer Colloso Mamello, was disqualified?Yes, but why?Because he was superstitious. He had a horseshow, hidden in his glove...

• A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.He sat down and asked his mate what happened."Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend."Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

• Q: Which sport is always in trouble? A: BADminton.

• 4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they're each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find. The first one to the top is a Braves fan, and he says, "I'm the biggest fan in the world! This is for you Braves!" and he jumps off. The second one to the top is a Mets fan and he says, "I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!" and he jumps off. The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fan and one is a Yankee fan. When they're both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fan says, "This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!" And the Red Sox fan pushes the Yankee fan off.

• Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
  A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

• These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned themating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him"!After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -"THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass,but you better start to "brace yourself!"

• Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
  It's an appointment!
  
  Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
  They got jellygated!
  
  Which insect didn't play well in goal?
  The fumble bee!
  
  What did the bumble bee striker say?
  Hive scored!
  
  What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
  A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
  
  What are Brazilian fans called?
  Brazil nuts!
  
  Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
  He was the skipper!
  
  How do hens encourage their football teams?
  They egg them on!

• I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

• Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, we have to be sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

• Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

• Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom
  
  From the NCAA Tournament:
  
  "Basketball is a game of two halves."
  
  "We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."
  
  "You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."
  
  "He's like all great players -- not great yet."
  
  "You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."
  
  

• Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

• What did the smurf get in karate?
  
  A blue belt!

• Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
  All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
  
  Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
  They prefer cricket matches!
  
  What stories are told by basketball players?
  Tall stories!
  
  Who won the race between two balls of string?
  They we're tied!
  
  Why are football players never asked for dinner?
  Because they're always dribbling!
  
  Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
  Because he liked sole music!
  
  What tea do footballers drink?
  Penaltea!
  
  Where do footballers dance?
  At a football!

• Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the sh*ts"

• 1. They always wear protection
  2. They have great hands
  3. They are used to scoring
  4. They have great stamina
  5. They find the opening and get it in
  6. They never miss the target
  7. They know how to use their wood
  8. They have long sticks
  9. They know when to play rough
  10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.

• Mrs. Williams: Ok kids let's play soccerSMACK!Anna:OW!Mrs. Williams: What happened Anna?Anna: Andy punched me!Mrs. Williams : Why did you punch Anna,Andy?Andy: You said let's play sock her, so I did.

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.

• I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love.
  
  -- John McGovern
  

• Two old men had been best friends for years and they both live to their early 90s when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed and they are reminiscing about their long friendship when the dying mans friend asks Listen when you die do me a favor. I want to know if there is baseball in heaven.
  
  The dying man said We have been friends for years this I will do for you. And then he dies.
  
  A couple days later his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friends voice. The voice says I have got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
  
  What is the bad news?
  
  You are pitching on Wednesday.

• Why are old socks good for golf? Because they have eighteen holes.

• Why is Cinderella such a bad football player?Because she has a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball.

• Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
  
  Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:
  
  The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
  
  The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
  
  The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
  
  The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
  
  If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
  
  After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
  
  After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
  
  In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
  
  No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn

• Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.""Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?""Absolutely not," he said."How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not.""Season's more than half over", he said.

• The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach."Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters."Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?""Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash."Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

• A football coach had a star quarterback who was as dumb as a post. The only way the kid could stay on the team would be to pass all his classes, which was impossible. All his teachers agreed to go easy on him except for one, his math teacher. The coach begged the math teacher to not fail the kid. The math teacher agreed to give the boy an oral exam which, if he passed, would count for class credit. The coach came to the exam to support his star athlete. The math teacher asked only one question for the exam: "What is two plus two?"
  "Four," the athlete answered.
  The football coach went into a panic and yelled, "Give him another chance! Just one more chance!"

• Football match Romania – Russia. Romania wins and receives a telegram from Russia:“You’ve won! Stop. Congratulations! Stop. Oil! Stop. Gas! Stop...

• A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,  "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."The husband replies,  "That's no big thing in this day and age."The wife continues,  "Yeah, I've been with one other guy.""Oh yeah?  Who was the guy?""Tiger Woods.""Tiger Woods, the golfer?""Yeah." "Well, he's rich famous and handsome.  I can see why you went to bed with him."The husband and wife then make passionate love.  When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone."What are you doing?" says the wife.The husband replies,  "I'm hungry.  I was going to call room service and get some food.""Tiger wouldn't do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He would come back to bed and do it a second time."The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.  When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone."What are you dong?" she says.The husband replies,  "I'm still hungry so I was going to order room service to get some food.""Tiger wouldn't do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.When they finish he's tired and beat.  He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.The wife asks,  "Are you calling room service?""NO!  I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

• Judge: Mr. Tyson, with all of the trouble you currently are in, why did you toss that television across the room?
  
  Tyson: "Well, your honor . . . I was watching one of my boxing matches and I was just trying to throw the fight."

• If you want to see something more meaningless than the first three quarters of a basketball game, try the first few hundred laps of a NASCAR race.

• When I see you, there's a Ruthian blast in my pants. High five!

• Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself about how many seconds he has to hog the ball.

• LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

• A man went out to a bar with his buddies late one night, and he got so drunk he ended up having sex with a girl at the bar. He knew his wife would be livid when she realized what he had done, so before he went home, he rubbed chalk on his hands. He walked through the door at around the crack of dawn, and his wife yelled, "Where have you been?!"
  
  "I went out with my buddies to a bar," he replied, "and I ended up getting laid by this girl at the bar."
  
  "Let me see your hands," she screamed, so he showed her the chalk on his hands. "You d*mn liar!" she exclaimed, "You went late-night bowling again, didn’t you?!"

• Mike Tyson's new slogans:
  
  If you can't Fight Them !
  Bite Them !
  
  If you can't Beat Them !
  Eat Them !

• Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself about how many seconds he has to hog the ball.

• A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

• The other day was Take Your Daughter To Work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.

• There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole.""My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him."That must've been terrible!""It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."

• One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?""No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

• At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
  The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
  
  "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
  
  The little boy nodded yes.
  
  "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
  
  Again the little boy nodded.
  
  "Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."
  

• What's your handicap these days?" one golfer asked another.
  "I'm a scratch golfer...I write down all my good scores and
  scratch out all my bad ones."

• There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

• 4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they're each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find.
  
  The first one to the top is a Braves fan, and he says, "I'm the biggest fan in the world! This is for you Braves!" and he jumps off.
  
  The second one to the top is a Mets fan and he says, "I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!" and he jumps off.
  
  The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fan and one is a Yankee fan. When they're both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fan says, "This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!"
  
  And the Red Sox fan pushes the Yankee fan off.

• You can win a lot of money by betting people that you know the score of Super Bowl 50 (or any other sports game that has a score in it) before it happens.
  
  You guys/gals can place the bet. Then you say: "The score of Super Bowl 50 (or any other sports game that has a score in it) is 0-0 BEFORE IT HAPPENS!!!"

• Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother."Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl.""I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son.""I don't think you understand, mother." the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.""No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"

• A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
  
  The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"
  
  "Nothing," the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and
  let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of
  the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches
  you, my turtle will be there."
  
  So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
  
  Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.
  
  "Told you it'll be there before your dog."

• A true story, according to the LA Times.....
  
  Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
  
  Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

• Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

• Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one.
  "Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
  "I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
  "The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every stroke, then picking him up again that wore me out."
  
  

• Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

  
  The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

  
  A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

  
  Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

  
  The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

  
  The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

• Q: What do birthday candles and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
  
  A: They get blown out on the same day every year.

• What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

• Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won
  tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game
  before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
  
  "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
  
  They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large,
  grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless
  back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
  
  They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
  
  "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

• I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.

• At the Gym
  
  For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
  
  Day 1
  
  They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.
  
  Day 2
  
  Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great
  
  Day 3
  
  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
  
  Day 4
  
  Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
  
  Day 5
  
  I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
  
  Day 6
  
  Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
  
  Day 7
  
  Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

• Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
  
  "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
  
  "Batted .007," his wife added.
  
  

• Skyline Golf Club
  Memo to all members!
  Re: The admission of women to the club. Since the admission of women to the club, members are asked to obey the following rules. 1. Ladies are prohibited from touching the gentlemen's balls either with hands or club. 2. Players are requested to remain silent during the short strokes. 3. All players with partners are requested to come together. When the lady partner comes first, the gentleman must not delay his strokes but continue playing. 4. In cases where a long position is impossible, the players may so choose a new position. 5. Players deciding on a new lay must start at least a club's length from the hole.6. Members are requested to stay out of any hole, showing signs of recent repair or undergoing monthly overhaul until the red flag has been lifted. 7. All holes must be kept clean at all times. 8. Members are also urged to use reasonable precautions at all times as the Management cannot be held responsible for balls lost in the bushes around the holes.

• One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

• At the Gym
  
  For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
  
  Day 1
  
  They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.
  
  Day 2
  
  Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great
  
  Day 3
  
  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
  
  Day 4
  
  Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
  
  Day 5
  
  I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
  
  Day 6
  
  Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
  
  Day 7
  
  Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.
  
  

• At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?"The baby bear replied, "No he beats me." The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

• Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "whew, that was so hard." The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards.”

• My bother is a professional boxer.”
  “Heavyweight?”
  “No, featherweight. He tickles his opponents to death.”
  
  

• Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers? In case they get a hole in one!

• "Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy." Waiter: "That's because they're pickled onions, sir."

• What group do WCW wrestlers that are 40 or older like to join?
  
  The NWO (Now We're Old).

• Q: What do you call a Canadian Baseball team?
  
  A: Foreigners.Post by preppygoodness 

• What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

• Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is. "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm." "I'm sorry, what did you say?" "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm." "I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand. "You've got to keep your worms warm."

• Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!" Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"

• We all know that the Super Bowl is the football game with the AFC champion playing the NFC champion.
  
  There should be a Toilet Bowl where the worst team in each conference plays each other, where the winning team gets the first round draft pick and/or a plunger shaped trophy.

• After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?""Yes," the golfer responded."Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?""Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked."Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

• These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
  
  Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."
  
  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
  
  And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
  
  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
  
  Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
  
  Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
  
  Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
  
  Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my f**king clothes."
  
  Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
  
  Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
  
  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
  
  Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
  
  Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
  
  Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
  
  Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
  
  Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
  
  Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
  
  Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
  
  Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
  
  Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
  
  Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
  
  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
  
  Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

• Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner.

• Who's On First
  
  (Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)
  
  LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?
  
  BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
  
  LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
  
  BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
  
  LOU: You know the fellows' names?
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.
  
  BUD: Yes
  
  LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
  
  BUD: Who.
  
  LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
  
  BUD: Who.
  
  LOU: The guy on first base.
  
  BUD: Who is on first.
  
  LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?
  
  BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
  
  LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
  
  BUD: That's the man's name!
  
  LOU: That's who's name?
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.
  
  BUD: Who.
  
  LOU: The guy on first.
  
  BUD: Who.
  
  LOU: The first baseman.
  
  BUD: Who is on first.
  
  LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
  
  BUD: Certainly.
  
  LOU: Then who's playing first?
  
  BUD: Absolutely.
  
  LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
  
  BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
  
  LOU: Who is?
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: So who gets it?
  
  BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
  
  LOU: Who's wife?
  
  BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.
  
  LOU: Who does?
  
  BUD: Absolutely.
  
  LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
  
  BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
  
  LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who's on first.
  
  LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.
  
  BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
  
  LOU: I'm not changing nobody.
  
  BUD: Now, take it easy.
  
  LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
  
  BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
  
  LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who's on first.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
  
  LOU: How could I get on third base?
  
  BUD: You mentioned his name.
  
  LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
  
  BUD: No, Who's playing first.
  
  LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?
  
  BUD: Well what do you want me to do?
  
  LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
  
  BUD: What's on second.
  
  LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who's on first.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD: He's on third.
  
  LOU: There I go back on third again.
  
  BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
  
  LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.
  
  BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.
  
  LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
  
  BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
  
  LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who's on first.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD: THIRD BASE!
  
  LOU: You got an outfield?
  
  BUD: Oh, sure.
  
  LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
  
  BUD: Oh, absolutely.
  
  LOU: The left fielder's name?
  
  BUD: Why.
  
  LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
  
  BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
  
  LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.
  
  BUD: Who's playing first.
  
  LOU: Stay out of the infield!
  
  BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.
  
  LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?
  
  BUD: What is on second.
  
  LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who is on first.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.
  
  LOU: And the left fielder's name?
  
  BUD: Why.
  
  LOU: Because.
  
  BUD: Oh he's Center Field.
  
  LOU: (whimpers) Center field.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.
  
  BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
  
  LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
  
  BUD: Tomorrow.
  
  LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
  
  BUD: I'm tell you, man.
  
  LOU: Then go ahead.
  
  BUD: Tomorrow.
  
  LOU: What time?
  
  BUD: What time what?
  
  LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
  
  BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --
  
  LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
  
  BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
  
  LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
  
  BUD: What's on second.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!
  
  LOU: You gotta Catcher?
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: The Catcher's name?
  
  BUD: Today.
  
  LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
  
  BUD: Now you've got it.
  
  LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.
  
  BUD: Well I can't help that.
  
  LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.
  
  BUD: I know that.
  
  LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
  
  BUD: Well I might arrange that.
  
  LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
  
  BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
  
  LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
  
  BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
  
  LOU: is to throw it to first base.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Now who's got it?
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: Who has it?
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: Naturally.
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: O.K.
  
  BUD: Now you've got it.
  
  LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
  
  BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.
  
  LOU: Then who gets it?
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: O.K.
  
  BUD: All right.
  
  LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
  
  BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.
  
  LOU: Naturally.
  
  BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
  
  LOU: That's what I said.
  
  BUD: You did not.
  
  LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
  
  BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
  
  LOU: Naturally.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
  
  BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--
  
  LOU: Then who gets it?
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: That's what I'm saying.
  
  BUD: You're not saying that.
  
  LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
  
  BUD: You throw it to Who!
  
  LOU: Naturally.
  
  BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.
  
  LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
  
  BUD: Now don't get excited.
  
  LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--
  
  BUD: Then Who gets it.
  
  LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!
  
  BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.
  
  LOU: Hrmmph.
  
  BUD: Hrmmph.
  
  LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
  
  BUD: Uh-huh.
  
  LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.
  
  BUD: Yeah. It could be.
  
  LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
  
  BUD: What did you say.
  
  LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."
  
  BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!

• Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up."When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up."He came back and said: "We both have the same problem.”

• Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. “What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

  Submitted by zanny.

• Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his backswing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, "What was that about?!!!""Take no notice. Just get on with the game," replied the other.Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young lady. "What......?!?""Look. Just get on with the game," said the second. "We don't have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.," the second says with a chuckle.For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand. "Now, hold on a minute," said the first golfer, "I'm not playing until you tell me what's going on.""OK," said the second. "Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her.""I'll buy that," said the first, "but what's with the guy and the two buckets of sand?""He's the guy who caught her the last time. That's his handicap."

• “May I go swimming, Mommy?”
  “No, you may not. There are sharks here.”
  “But Daddy’s swimming.”
  “He’s insured.”
  

• A foursome was waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies were taking their time and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it, hacked it another ten feet, looked up at the men waiting and said apologetically, "I guess all those f****g lessons I took this winter didn't help"
  
  One of the men immediately replied, "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

• I think that it is better to give that to get.You have a very generous thinking. Are you a humanitarian?No, I’m a boxer.

• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

• Yogi Berra Quotes
  
  "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
  
  "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
  
  "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
  
  "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
  
  "We made too many wrong mistakes."
  
  "You can observe a lot by just watching."
  
  "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

• Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
  A: In case he got a hole in one.

• Q: What’s the hardest part about skydiving
  A: The ground.
  

• After 8 rounds the boxer comes back in his corner, extremely grinded. The couch says to him:You should better take a decision! You want the champion title or the Nobel for peace...

• George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and Bill Clinton were on the yellow brick road, going to see the Wizard of Oz. When they got there, the Wizard of Oz said they could each have one wish. ''I want to have brains,'' said George W. POOF! He got some brains.''I want to have a heart,'' said Dick Cheney. POOF! He had a heart (albeit a problematic one.)''I want to have courage,'' said Colin Powell. POOF! He had courage.Finally it was former President, Bill Clinton's turn. ''Well, what do you want?'' asked the Wizard.Clinton thought a moment and asked, ''Ummm... Is Dorothy around?''

• The minister was on the golf course when he heard a duffer, deep in a sand trap, let loose a stream of profanity. “I have often noticed,” chided the minister, “that the best golfers are not addicted to the use of foul language.”
  “Of course not,” screamed the man. “What do they have to swear about?
  

• Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
  
  He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
  
  His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

• Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love."
  
  A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

• The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)
  
  Tonya Harding Presents...
  
  Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?
  
  Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?
  
  Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you?
  
  Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the......
  
  Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization
  
  That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.
  
  Check out our price list:Blow to the knee............................. $99.95Blow to both knees (a better buy)............ $149.95Blow to the head............................. $124.95Knife in the back (tennis players only)...... $49.95Kick in the groin (male athletes only)....... $9.95Poking out one eye........................... $49.95Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)... $79.95Gun shot to the knee......................... $199.95Gun shot to both knees....................... $299.95Gun shot to the head......................... $499.95Impalement in a public place................. $999.95Prices subject to change without notice.
  
  Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!
  
  With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
  
  To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win

• Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says
  You know my son he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He is now a doctor making $250000 a year in Chicago.
  
  The second woman says
  
  You know my son he graduated first in his class from Harvard. he is now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles.
  
  The last woman says
  
  You know my son he never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman.
  The other two women ask What is a sports repairman?
  
  The woman then replies He fixes games... you know hockey games football games baseball games....

• How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?
  There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

• They presented him with a cup when he was a boxer. It was to keep his teeth in.

• Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.

• Several racehorses are in a stable. One of them starts boasting about his track record.

  “Of my last 15 races,” he says, “I’ve won eight.”

  Another horse breaks in, “Well, I”ve won 19 of my last 27!”

  “That’s good, but I’ve taken 28 of 36,” says another, flicking his tail.

  At this point a greyhound who’s been sitting nearby pipes up.

  “I don’t mean to boast,” he says, “but of my last 90 races, I’ve won 88.” The horses are clearly amazed.

  “Wow,” says one after a prolonged silence, “a talking dog!”

  Submitted by cris.

• Most golfers develop a lust for the game, some become very successful, some just never make it all work out. The following are some signs of when it is time to quit, particularly when your group members keep asking if you like bowling all the time:1. You have had three putts and your group members tell you that your still away.2. You can remember for a week the one good shot you had in the round.3. The ball retriever is the most often used piece of equipment in your bag.4. You and your group have rules for Mulligans.5. You have more than the regulation 14 clubs in your bag including 3 putters.6. You leave the pin in when you are on the fringe 8 feet from the pin in the hope it will stop your ball.7. You have the thought you that if you hole out from 140 yards you can still make bogie.8. The starter leaves a one hour gap after your tee off time.9. When you call fore on a par three, and everyone runs to the green for safety.10. The club has named a pond in front of the green after you.

• Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony.The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.""Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied, still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help.She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

• Q:Why did the football coach go to the bank?
  
  A:He wanted to get his quarter-back!!!

• Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbor’s window with a baseball. “What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father. “Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?” “Without, of course.”
  “Well, then, he said nothing.”
  

• Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player.How come?Every time he plays I wonder “why the fuck did I bothered to buy him”!

• The frustrated golfer drove over the river and threw the woods. Swimming

• “Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
  “Yes sir, I understand.” “Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”
  

• While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises. ‘Tell me,’ says the doctor. ‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’ ‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’

• One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he
  realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
  
  Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
  
  Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Ben?"
  
  Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

• Boy: Have u ever been fishing before Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!

• A naval boiler stoker goes to Hell. The Devil comes up to him on the first day, and sees him smiling.
  
  "What are you so happy about?" says Lucifer.
  
  "I just love it here. Its like a spring day in the boiler room."
  
  The Devil walks off angry, and decides to get him. "I’ll turn the heat all the way up. That’ll show him."
  
  The next day, The Devil checks back with our hero, only to find him happy once again.
  
  "What now?" says the Evil one.
  
  "This heat is great! Reminds me of a summer day in the boiler room."
  
  The Devil realises that he has been going about it all wrong.
  
  "Tomorrow I’m going to make it colder than a Siberian winter."
  
  He returns the next day to find the stoker shivering and blue, but grinning from ear to ear.
  
  "What could you possibly have to be happy about?"
  
  "It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?" replied the stoker. "Manchester City must have won the Premier League!"
  

•  UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called?(a) Westerners(b) Southerners(c) Northerners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for?14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?*You must answer three or more questionscorrectly to qualify*

• Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the followingconversation took place:First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outgolfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will buildher a new deck for the pool."Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that Iwill remodel the kitchen for her."They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy hasnot said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater."

• This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of  the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.  She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"   "Ten years!"  he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of  fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says,  "Man, oh man! Is that good!"Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"  He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of  her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"   And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

• The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
  
  9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
  
  8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
  
  7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
  
  6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
  
  5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
  
  4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
  
  3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
  
  2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
  
  and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...
  
  1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
  
  This list is copyrighted by Chris White.
  
  

• Three impressive-looking Jewish men with beards are out playing golf one day. The first hits the ball very hard and long, but it hooks and goes into a lake. "That’s okay," he sighs. Then he raises his driver, parts the water, and walks across the dry lake bed to hit the ball onto the green.
  
  The second hooks one toward the lake, where it floats gently on the surface. The second golfer walks over on top of the water to hit the ball onto the green.
  
  Finally the oldest man advances to the tee and strikes his ball with a mighty swing. This ball also hooks, and it lands on a lily pad in the middle of the lake. Very soon a large bird picks up the ball, carries it over the green, and drops it into the hole.
  
  "Quit your frowning, Moses," said the second golfer to the first.
  
  "Yeah, but Jesus," the first golfer calmly replies, " this is exactly why I don’t like playing golf with your Father."
  

• An old man and his wife have gone to bed.After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"The old man replied, "It's fart football!"A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -"Touchdown, tie score!" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -"Touchdown, tie score!"Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!" Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

• Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs.
  
  The first says, "Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
  
  Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
  
  The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
  
  HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
  
  The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
  
  The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
  
  The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
  
  They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
  
  They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

• Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

• You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third… but I touched second.

• 50 Years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan.
  
  Today, it's called the PGA Tour.

• Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you takingso long to make this shot?""My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob."Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."

• A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?" He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing." She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he sh*ts in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

• It has been determined that having sex before participatingin athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does notimpair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have knownand displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glanceat their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

• A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl.So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died.""Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

• Larry took Barb, his girlfriend, to her first football game. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game. “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for twenty-five cents,” she asked.
  “What do you mean?”
  “Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”
  

• A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

  ‘I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,’ she said.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he asked.

  ‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’

  Submitted by zanny.

• What do golfers use in China? China tees!

• Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
  
  One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
  
  He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
  
  The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
  
  The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
  
  The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

• The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching. "What club should I use now?" he asked the pro. "I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

• I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.

• A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute.May I please play through?"The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

• What was Packers GM’s last words to Packers headcoach Ray Rhodes?
  
  GO PACK

• Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
  A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
  
  Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
  
  Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
  
  For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
  
  New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
  
  They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"
  
  Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
  
  If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
  
  In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
  
  Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
  
  Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

• First golfer: “I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can’t lose it.”
  Second golfer: “How so?”
  First golfer: “If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. You hit it into the water, it floats.
  If you want to play golf at night it glows.”
  Second golfer: “Hey, sounds good. Where did you get it?”
  First golfer: “I found it in the woods.”
  

• A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

• A first grade teacher explains to her class that she’s a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they’re Cubs fans, too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan is but wanting to be just like their teacher, the students launch their hands into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception: A girl named Lucy doesn’t go along with the crowd.
  
  The teacher asks her why she’s decided to be different. "Because I’m not a Cubs fan," Lucy says.
  
  "Then what are you?" asks the teacher.
  
  "Why, I’m proud to be a Sox fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she’s a Sox fan. "Well, my mom and dad are Sox fans, so I’m a Sox fan, too."
  
  The teacher is now very angry. "That’s no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
  
  Lucy pauses, then smiles. "Why, then," Lucy says, "I’d be a Cubs fan."
  

• Dad: "What happened to your eye?"
  Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."
  

• Wanna play guns? Bend over and I'll cock you.

• A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried.The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!""Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

• A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recenttournament victories. After about an hour,the managercame out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?", they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boastingin an open foyer."

• It is a little known fact that when Jesus played hockey, he was the goalie, because Jesus saves.

• What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!

• Why did the football coach flood the pitch? Because he wanted to bring on the sub!

• Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

• Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"

• It's the 7th game of the Stanley Cup Finals. At the beginning of the game, a guy sits down in his seat and notices an empty seat and another gentleman next to him. "Can you believe it?" the man says to the gentleman, "It's game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals and there is actually an empty seat! What's up with that I wonder!" The gentleman speaks up and says, "Well, you see the seat belonged to my wife. We went to the games together." "Where is your wife? The man asks cautiously. "She passed away," said the gentleman. "Oh, I'm sorry, you could not get anyone else to come to the game with you?" said the man. Said the gentleman with a slight smirk "No, they're all at the funeral."

• The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan."Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

• Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover.""It's the biggest dam I know!"

• St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
  
  "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
  
  "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

• Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual developmentof the culture that produced them.Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in theseopen-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outletfrom sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadismabout to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Footballobviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominatesthe entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to thefour directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped withominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. Thewhite stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the fourwhistling monitors who control the services through a time perioddivided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nudevirgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites thethousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetryin unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipustheme of willingness to die for the love of mother.The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned onlywith hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue andprotect the Egg.However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there areeleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The groupin so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in anegg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerfulmeditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of theEgg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists mightcontend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimationof the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles ofeducation."The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with hishands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." Thetransposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easilyexplained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious postureassumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) theinstinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hystericalworshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one ofthe members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily forceacross the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down theenclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, theprocessions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. Afterforming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical andanimal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiringfar more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals fromwhich it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wandof shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfullyinto the air, and with which she interweaves her body in mostintricate gyrations.The virgins perform another important function throughout the entireservice. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" followingsuccess of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across thelast white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches,the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces inthe earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, prayingthat "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed adedicated ceremony.

• There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!

• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

• Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says: You see Bill, we don't know what to do with you. You may choose "heaven" or "hell". Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling. So Bill says : I am a gambling man, I want to go to hell! Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. So Bill says : hey, what the hell is this, I saw all the gambling, the women, and sex? The devil says: 'That was just a demo version."

• A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk."Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk."Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

• If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?

• Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team."It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and weave through your opponents."Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, "I suppose it all comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me shopping with her on sale days."

• The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

• Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.

• If you were a basketball, could I drive you, and lay you up?

• Q:What's the hardest thing about learning to play tennis? A:Telling your parents that your gay!

• A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring “Run….Run!”

  The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”

  A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”

  The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”

  All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”

  After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!”

  Submitted by cris.

• Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
  A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

• What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer. Basketball

• Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories perhour they consume.Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

• A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. When the other guys would only catch three or four a day, Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. The warden asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. 
  So, the next morning the two men met at the boat dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!" 
  Meanwhile, Sam set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the warden with these words, "Are ya gonna sit there all day complaining, or are ya going to fish?" 

• Coin Toss = Asking them outKickoff = Holding hands1st Down = Kissing2nd Down = Up the shirt3rd Down = Down south4th Down = Oral actionTouchdown = Shaggin'Victory Dance = Smoking afterwardsTime Out = The guy needs more time/can't get it upIncompletion = Guy can't get offInterception = Someone walks in on the two of youOffsides = Gay person/Gay actionFlag on the play = Unwanted AdvancesDelay of game = Girl has her periodHail Mary = Not sure the other one wants it, but you go for it anywayHike = Up the rearReverse = 69Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky2pt. conversion = Multiple orgasmsPrevent Defense = Condom/protectionFace Mask = Guy pulls girl head down to blow himShotgun = Touchdown in a carTwo minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows his loadHolding = CuddlingSuperbowl = Wedding or Prom nightHuddle = Multiple participantsMadden '99 = CybersexInstant replay = When you tape the two of you having sexIllegal use of the hands = MasturbationBall Hog = SlutOnside Kick = Making up after a fightDouble Header = Two mates in the same nightTight End = VirginWide Receiver = Girl that's looseFalse Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get someFumble = Cheating (problem in the relationship)Putting it through the uprights = Self explanatorySpecial Teams = Prostitute/GigoloUnsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activitiesDouble Coverage = Two condomsHandoff = Handjob

• A beginner rider at the stables was trying to saddle a horse. “Excuse me,” said the old hand, “but you are putting that saddle on backwards.” “How do you know,” snapped the student. “You do not know which way I’m going.”

• Rules of Play Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play at this time. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one month.

• Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael.‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat.‘My wife usually sits there.’ Michael replied.‘But why isn’t she here?’ the neighbor persisted‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?’‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’ said Michael.

• Adopt an NBA playerTHE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
  
  With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
  
  Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
  
  Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
  
  "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
  
  Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
  
  "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
  
  Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
  
  Simply fill out the form below.
  
  ___YES, I want to help!
  
  I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:[ ] Starter[ ] Reserve[ ] Star*[ ] Superstar**[ ] Entire team***[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.* Higher cost** Much higher cost*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard[ ] Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________Telephone Number: __________________Account Number: _____________________Exp.Date:____________________________Signature: _________________________Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
  
  Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

• A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk.""Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?""Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

• The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

• A famous boxer must be operated by appendicitis. From the operation room the doctor gets out holding himself to the walls with a bruised eye and says:A can’t do this anymore! I try to anesthetize him, I count until 9 and he gets up and starts punching me...

• With his ball and bat in hand Little Pete walked to home plate in an empty baseball field.
  As he threw the ball up in the air, he announced, “I am the best ball player ever!” He swung with all his power, but missed. He did the same thing and missed again. He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said “I am the best ball player in the world!” Then he swung and missed again. “Wow! He said. “What a pitcher!”
  
  

• Q: What do the Buffalo Sabres and the Titanic have in common?
  A: They're both at the bottom of the Atlantic.

• Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

• Q: What do the World Series and bears on birth control have in common?A: No Cubs

• When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven."Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You seethe big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin backin 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." "Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorryPeter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. "Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God'soffice. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. "Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, andI made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I couldjust make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and itwas sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and tookmy ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." "And that's when you took my name in vain?" "Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ballclear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifullytoward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped intoa sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." "So, that is when you took my name in vain?" "No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drovethat ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inchesof the hole..." "Don't tell me you missed a godd*mn two inch putt!"

• Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
  
  From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995
  
  

  1. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
     
     
  2. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.
     
     
  3. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.
     
     
  4. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."
     
     
  5. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
     
     
  6. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
     
     
  7. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
     
     
  8. What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
     
     
  9. Tired of going to Disneyland.
     
     

• After removing a tiny fish from his hook and throwing it back into the water, the fisherman said: “Don’t show up around here anymore without your parents!”

• What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate? The ice.

• How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
  Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
  
  What's tennis players favourite city?
  Volley wood!
  
  How does a physicist exercise?
  By pumping ion!
  
  Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
  Because education pays off in the long run!
  
  What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
  Jog-raphy!
  
  What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
  Ince pies!
  
  What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
  Both do hat tricks!
  
  Which football team loves ice-cream?
  Aston Vanilla!

• Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car
  
  "Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!"
  
  No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!
  
  No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.
  
  No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.
  
  No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.
  
  No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.
  
  No ashtrays and electric lighter...
  
  No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain?
  
  No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.
  
  No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass?
  
  No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.
  
  Only one brake light...
  
  Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in?
  
  No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?
  
  No trunk...
  
  No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)
  
  High fuel consumption...
  
  Engines that don't last...
  
  Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...
  
  Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.
  
  No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen.
  
  

• A psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving give an oral quiz to the freshman class.Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

• Q: How did the blonde fisherman die?
  A: He was run over by the Zamboni.

• If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.

• A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

  The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

  The player thought for a moment and then answered, “4?”

  “Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.

  Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming…, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

  Submitted by cris.

• I’ve got nothing against watching a darts match. I just wish my IQ were low enough to enjoy it.

• The hardest thing about prizefighting is picking up your teeth wearing a boxing glove.

• A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?""Yes, I am," he replied.St. Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

• A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

• It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
  "How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
  The official just stared.
  The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
  The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
  The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

• The boozer took careful aim at the bird, but hit a frog. He picked it up, studied it, scratched his head and said, “Well, anyhow I knocked its feathers off.”

• Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
  Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

• The way from the cabins to the ring is too long, says the boxer.No worries, on your way back you will come back with the stretcher...

• A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track.  All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell.  The Game Warden was hot on his heels.After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him."Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!"  the Warden gasped.With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license."Well, son,"  said the Game Warden.  "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks!  You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!""Yes, sir,"  replied the young guy.  "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

• Is your goalmouth open?High five!

• A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late.
  
  His wife asks,"What took you so long?"
  
  He replies,"Oh, honey, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!" She says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of ’hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John...’"
  

• It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.""What was that?" the old man asked.Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.""Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

• Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
  
  She ran away from the ball....

• Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. Squash

• Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics.
  
  They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the cricket scenario in the heaven. Santa Singh dies first.
  
  One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there.
  "So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news.
  
  The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night tournament here in heaven.
  
  And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tomorrow's match!"

• Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.

• What do hookers and the Dolphins have in common? They both have hundreds of balls pounded into their endzone every week.

• One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
  The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
  Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
  
  Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What’s the matter Jim?"
  
  Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron."

• Stranger: Catch any fish?
  Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning.
  Stranger: Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden.
  Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in the country.
  

• Don’t marry a tennis player.Love means nothing to them. Cricket

• A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him."I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game.""When is that?""Right after the National Anthem."

• Q: What was the sick boys favorite sport?
  
  A: Hurling.

• Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
  A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
  
  Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
  
  Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
  
  For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
  
  New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
  
  They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"
  
  Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
  
  If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
  
  In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
  
  Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
  
  Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!
  
  

• Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.

• After Florida coach Steve Spurrior passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Steve a little 2-bedroom house with a faded UF banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your home, Coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims.
  
  Little Steve looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. LSU flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge purple and gold LSU banner hanging between the marble columns.
  
  "Thanks for the home, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little 2 bedroom house with a faded Florida banner, and Nick Saban gets a mansion with new LSU banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
  
  God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "That's not Saban’s house, that's mine!!!!!"
  

• A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move.""It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.""It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.""Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, then what is?""It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."

• The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the team rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 season:
  The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
  In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey.
  The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
  Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

• Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

• Q: How do men exercise at the beach?
  A: Every time they see a bikini they suck their belly in
  

• The Chicago Bears 2000 schedule and changes.September 15................Tefft Junior High School
  22................Cub Scout Troop #101
  29................Chicago Blind AcademyOctober
  6.................Spanish American War Vets
  13................Crippled Children's Home
  20................Elgin Mental Hospital
  27................Girl Scout Troop # 353November 3..................Illinois Venereal Disease Clinic
  10.................Cicero Boys Choir
  17.................Korean AmputeesSPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAMEDecember 9..................Wrigleyville Gay Boys Club ** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **1 - When playing polio patients, the Bears must not disconnect knee braces.2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Bears must not hide the football under their jerseys. ** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Bears fans that have never seen this ) it is still worth 6 points.2 - The Bears will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.3 - The Bears will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time.4 - The Bears will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.5 - The Bears will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards. ** NAME CHANGE **The Chicago Bears will be changed to the "Chicago Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string. ** COACHING CHANGES **Dave Wannstedt will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!

• The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel."Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life."Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"Everyone agreed it was a good idea.The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match."I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus."Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!""No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

• Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

• What’s a swimmer’s favourite sport? Pool.

• A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture.  He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.  They followed the plan and waited for their friend.After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up.  They all wanted to know what happened.He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball.  He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.  He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.  The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked,  "Does this look like yours?"That was the last thing he could remember

• James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'. 'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'

• Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
  ’’Help me find my ball. Look over there,’’ he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ’’I’ve found my ball!’’ he announces.
  
  ’’After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?’’
  
  ’’What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!’’
  
  ’’And you’re a liar, too!’’ Jon says. ’’I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!’’
  

• Q:Why did O.J. sign an endorsement deal with Taco Bell?

  
  A:To run for the Border

• Q:Why did the Packers have to replace Lambeau field?
  
  A:There was too much Moss in the endzone

• Where do religious school children practice sports?
  In the prayground!
  
  How did the basketball court get wet?
  The players dribbled all over it!
  
  Why did the chicken get sent off?
  For persistent fowl play!
  
  Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
  It was a cup draw!
  
  Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
  The bored room!
  
  A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?
  
  "Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter
  
  "They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
  
  Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
  To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
  
  

• After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

• While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!""Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!""Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?""We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said."The sharks got 'em."

• A teacher walks into her classroom and turns to the children and says, Today kids im going to ask you what job your daddy has!She turns to the first child and says, What job dose your daddy have tina??She replies; he is a carpenter miss.The teacher turns to the next child and repeats the question...the child says he is the head of a multi-organic food chain.Very good indeed says miss..........she turns to the next child and says.What job does your daddy have Robert??He replies... He's a male prostitute miss; and demands 50 quid.No,No,No your lying to me Robert i can tell!Ok then miss you got me i confess.........................................HE PLAYS RUGBY FOR ENGLAND BUT IM TO ASHAMED TO SAY!!!

• It's legal to earn money playing hockeyMany people play hockey even after they're marriedThe puck's always hardThe protective equipment is reusableIt lasts at least an hourA two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommonYou always know how big the stick isYou can clean your stick in public without anyone mindingYou can change players on the flyYou don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck upEveryone is finished when the buzzer soundsYour parents cheer when you scorePeriods last only 20 minutesYou're sure to get it at least twice a weekYou can tell your friends about it afterwards.

• There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted
  to do some ice fishing.
  
  They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
  
  So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
  
  Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
  
  In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
  
  The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how
  are you fellows doing?"
  
  "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

• Snowboarding Lessons
  
  When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."
  
  This is the voice of Satan.
  
  I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
  
  I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.
  
  This is because I went snowboarding.
  
  For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
  
  These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."
  
  People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.
  
  We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).
  
  If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.
  
  At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.
  
  So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.
  
  In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.
  
  Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.
  
  Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.
  
  Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
  
  I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.
  
  Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.
  
  You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)
  
  We learned snowboarding via a two step method:
  
  Step One: Watching Brad do something.
  
  Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
  
  I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
  
  I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.
  
  "Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.
  
  Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"
  
  Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.
  
  If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
  
  So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
  
  

• Are you my caddie? asked the golfer.
  "Yes, sir," replied the lad.
  "And you are good at finding lost balls?"
  "Yes, sir."
  "Right then. Find one and let's star the game."

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• Julia began her job in a secondary school as a counselor and she was keen to help the pupils. One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field. Julia approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said that she was. Some time later, however, Julia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself. Going up to her again, she enquired, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The girl hesitated, then said, 'Alright,' while looking at Julia with some suspicion. Feeling she was making progress, Julia then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?' 'Because,' the girl said with a large sigh, 'I'm the goalie!'

• The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)
  
  Tonya Harding Presents...
  
  Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?
  
  Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?
  
  Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you?
  
  Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the......
  
  Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization
  
  That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.
  
  Check out our price list:
  
  

  Blow to the knee............................. $99.95Blow to both knees (a better buy)............ $149.95Blow to the head............................. $124.95Knife in the back (tennis players only)...... $49.95Kick in the groin (male athletes only)....... $9.95Poking out one eye........................... $49.95Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)... $79.95Gun shot to the knee......................... $199.95Gun shot to both knees....................... $299.95Gun shot to the head......................... $499.95Impalement in a public place................. $999.95

  Prices subject to change without notice.
  
  Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!
  
  With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
  
  To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win
  
  

• A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

• Did you hear John McEnroe went for an audition for the latest Harry Potter film? They turned him down, saying "You cannot be Sirius!"

• If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
  
  When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
  
  After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
  
  When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
  
  After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
  
  If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
  
  A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

• Things to do at a Bowling Alley
  
  Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
  
  When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
  
  Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
  
  Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
  
  Wear Golf Shoes.
  
  Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
  
  Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
  
  Play bocci with extra lane balls
  
  Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
  
  Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
  
  Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
  
  Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
  
  Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
  
  Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
  
  Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
  
  Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
  
  Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
  
  Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
  
  Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
  
  Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
  
  Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
  
  Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
  
  Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
  
  Rent all the shoes, eat them
  
  Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
  
  When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
  
  If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
  
  Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
  
  Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
  
  SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
  
  Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
  
  Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
  
  Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
  
  Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
  
  Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
  
  Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
  
  Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
  
  Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
  
  Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

• Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

• What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
  Cold Trafford!
  
  How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
  Somebody took a corner!
  
  Why didn't the dog want to play football?
  It was a boxer!
  
  What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
  The champire!
  
  Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
  Paul gas coin!
  
  Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
  Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
  
  Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
  Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
  Manager: How?
  Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

• How about we march into your red zone and I'll split the uprights? High five!

• A rookie pitcher was starting his first Major League baseball game. After walking the first five batters, the manager approaches the mound and then signals for a new pitcher to be brought in.
  
  Stunned, the pitcher asks the manager, "Why are you pulling me? I have a perfect no-hitter going here!"

• Q:What was O.J.'s favorite football play?

  
  A: Cut Left, Slash Right

• * Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes. * Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin. * For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins. * Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course. * Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out. * The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future. * It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers. * Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason. * Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. * Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. * Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. * Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner. * It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. * The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player. * Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

• A woman is learning how to golf.She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad.She decides to consult a golf pro.When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball.She does.The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right.The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club".When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing."She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards."The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem. How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

• Why couldn't Usain Bolt listen to his music? "Because he broke the record."

• It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice.He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there."No" says the neighbor."The seat is empty.""This is incredible," said the man."Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married.""Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

• When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. * In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught. * You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. * You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. * You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum. * Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

• Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

• If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

• The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own."No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3."What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!"Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

• Top Baseball Player Demands
  
  From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994
  
  In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]
  
  No team flights on Continental Airlines.
  
  Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
  
  Make it legal to cork their pants.
  
  Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
  
  No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
  
  Two words: Streisand tickets.
  
  Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".
  
  Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
  
  Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
  
  More games against the Mets.

• NFL Team Lame Names
  
  When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
  
  AFC West:
  
  Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
  
  Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
  
  Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
  
  San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
  
  Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks
  
  AFC Central:
  
  Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
  
  Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
  
  Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
  
  Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers
  
  AFC East:
  
  Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
  
  Buffalo Spills
  
  Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
  
  Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
  
  Miami Soft Ones
  
  New England Patriots - New England Patsys
  
  New York Jets - New York Pets
  
  New York Not Yets
  
  NFC West:
  
  Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
  
  New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
  
  Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
  
  San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners
  
  NFC Central:
  
  Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
  
  Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
  
  Detroit Kittens
  
  Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
  
  Green Bay Slackers
  
  Green Bay Whackers
  
  Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
  
  Minnesota ViQueens
  
  Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
  
  NFC East:
  
  Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
  
  Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
  
  Dallas Cowpie
  
  New York Giants - New York Midgets
  
  Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
  
  Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
  
  Expansion Teams:
  
  Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
  
  Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars
  
  

• "I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do. I sit down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV. That's until they throw me out of Applebees." Dave Letterman

• John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?
  
  "No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"
  

• He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.

• A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow.""Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"To which he replied, "It feels great, but my hand still hurts like hell."

• How do you flick off a Green Bay Packer fan? Hold four fingers up!

• Three heavyweight men; an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.The American jumped off and shouted "God save America!"The English man jumped off and shouted "God Save The Queen!"The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted "God save the person who I land on!''

• A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
  
  "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
  
  "What do you mean?" he asked.
  
  "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
  
  

• If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

• It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

• Why did the football coach go to the bank? "To get his Quarter back."

• The drunk walking along the country road saw the duck hunter lying in the brush with the gun poised toward the direction of the high-flying flock in the distance. “Shay, mishter,” advised the drunk. “Don’t waisht a shot. The fall’ll kill’em

• I am known at the gym as the "before picture."

• Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
  
  From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
  
  You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
  
  Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
  
  They keep shouting "Do over!"
  
  When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
  
  Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals
  
  First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
  
  Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
  
  Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
  
  You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
  
  They play like the Mets

• A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them areplaying like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, hesays, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!""Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wifewith the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches herswing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.""What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, andTHUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

• The pro-football team had just finished its daily practice when a large turkey strutted onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and requested a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “Your are terrific! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge signing bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said. “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

• A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets.Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."Bobby: "No probs, Dad."Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."

• The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson."Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

• A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice."The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

• Q: Why did the coach go back to the bank?
  A: To get his quarterback!

• Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks. "What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion. "I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

• Three football teams (Arsnel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsnel says, "I think we might go hungry..."

• What can you serve that you cannot eat? A tennis ball.

• Yogi Berra Quotes
  
  "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
  
  "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
  
  "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
  
  "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
  
  "We made too many wrong mistakes."
  
  "You can observe a lot by just watching."
  
  "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra
  
  

• Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
  
  The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
  
  Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
  
  Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
  
  Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
  
  "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
  
  He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
  
  "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

• What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

• UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
            SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
              (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
  
  1. What language is spoken in France?
  
  2. Give a dissertation on the ancient
     Babylonian Empire with particular
     reference to architecture, literature,
     law and social conditions
  
     -OR-
  
     give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
  
  3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
     (a) build a bridge
     (b) sail the ocean
     (c) lead an army or
     (d) WRITE A PLAY
  
  4. What religion is the Pope? (please check
     only one answer)
     (a) Jewish
     (b) Catholic
     (c) Hindu
     (d) Polish
     (e) Agnostic
  
  5. Metric conversion. How many feet is
     0.0 meters?
  
  6. What time is it when the big hand is
     on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
  
  7. How many commandments was Moses given?
     (approximately)
  
  8. What are people in America's far north
     called?
  (a) Westerners
  (b) Southerners
  (c) Northerners
  
  9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
  
  10. Six kings of England have been called
      George, the last one being George the
      Sixth. Name the previous five.
  
  11. Where does rain come from?
       (a) Macy's
       (b) a 7-11
       (c) Canada
       (d) the sky
  
  12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory
      of Relativity?
       (a) yes
       (b) no
  
  13. What are coat hangers used for?
  
  14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National
      Anthem for what country?
  
  15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of
      Dynamic Equilibrium
  
       -OR-
  
       spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
  
  16. Where is the basement in a three story
      building located?
  
  17. Which part of America produces the
      most oranges?
       (a) New York
       (b) Florida
       (c) Canada
       (d) Wisconsin
  
  18. Advanced math.
      If you have three apples how many apples
      do you have?
  
  19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.)
      stand for?
  
  *You must answer three or more questions
  correctly to qualify*

• Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

• St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
  
  "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
  
  "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
  
  

• How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
  Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
  
  What's tennis players favourite city?
  Volley wood!
  
  How does a physicist exercise?
  By pumping ion!
  
  Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
  Because education pays off in the long run!
  
  What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
  Jog-raphy!
  
  What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
  Ince pies!
  
  What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
  Both do hat tricks!
  
  Which football team loves ice-cream?
  Aston Vanilla!
  
  

• These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
  
  Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."
  
  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
  
  And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
  
  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
  
  Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
  
  Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
  
  Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
  
  Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."
  
  Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
  
  Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
  
  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
  
  Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
  
  Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
  
  Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
  
  Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
  
  Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)
  
  Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
  
  Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
  
  Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
  
  Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
  
  Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)
  
  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
  
  Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)
  
  

• I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

• A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him."I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game.""When is that?""Right after the National Anthem."

• A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
  
  "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
  
  "What do you mean?" he asked.
  
  "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

• Baseball is wrong! A man with four balls cannot walk!Post by c Utep UnksmiLe

• A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
  
  The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"
  
  The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
  "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.
  
  Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
  

• Two women are talking. ‘You know,’ says one. ‘Eighty per cent of men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.’‘Well,’ says the other. ‘That will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!’

• The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.He turned on the jockey."Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?""Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

• It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
  Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
  Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
  The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
  To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's d*mn slippery out there."

• One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, “You don’t have a chance, I have Kano, Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here”.

  “Yes”, snickered the Devil, “but I have all the referees.”

  Submitted by cris.

• Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the
  road.
  
  They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk.
  Out of respect and propriety the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
  The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
  
  The police were called and when the officer arrived he
  conducted his inspection. First he lifted up the Cubs cap
  replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next he lifted the
  Sox cap replaced it and wrote down some more notes.
  
  The officer then lifted the Yankees cap replaced it then lifted it again replaced it lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.
  
  The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked What
  are you a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and
  looking lifting and looking?
  
  Well said the officer. I am simply surprised. Normally
  when I look under a Yankees hat I find an *ssh*le.

• A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"The player thought for a moment and then he answered: "I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?""Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

• It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

• Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?Because all the fans have left.

• Q: What did March say to the madness? A: "What's all that bracket?"

• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

• Two would-be fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish.
  “We should mark the spot,” he said. The other man drew a large
  X in the bottom of the boat with a black maker
  “That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”
  

• A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket."What is that?" she asks."Those are my golf balls.""Is that like tennis elbow?"

• Peter goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?" Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack." Peter's wife says, "OMG! That's terrible!" Peter says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."

• Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* "Darn!", but a bad skydiver goes "Darn!" *WHACK!*

• Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

  
  The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

  
  The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"

  
  The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . ."

• What did the trampolinist say? ‘Life has its ups and downs, but I always bounce back.’ Tennis

• There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

• Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

• The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup."Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

• A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?""It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!""Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?""No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.""Well, what if you hit it into the woods?""Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.""Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?""No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?""I found it."

• Q:What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?A:Santa stops after three hos.

• A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan.The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?""No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?""I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

• Why are baseball players in trouble with the law so often? They always hit and run.

• A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is
  using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he
  finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
  After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the
  line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the
  racquet out of your mouth."

• "Hey Bill, I heard you can download the wholeTyson-Holyfield fight off the internet"."No kidding? How much memory will it take up?"."Not much, just two Bytes."

• As a golfer teed up at precisely his reserved time, he was tapped on the shoulder.
  
  The intruder handed him a note which read, "I am deaf and mute. Please let me play through."
  
  "This is MY tee-off time," the golfer bellowed, shaking his head vigorously. "Your handicap doesn’t entitle you to play through!"
  
  Then he proceeded to drive his ball straight down the fairway.
  
  "Nice shot," the fellow’s caddie said as they headed off the tee, leaving the deaf-mute fuming.
  
  While lining up his next shot, the golfer was struck on the head by a ball. Turning around angrily, he spotted the deaf-mute holding up his hand.
  
  "What is he doing?" asked the golfer, squinting into the sun.
  
  "I believe he’s holding up four fingers," the caddie replied!
  

• A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.The bartender said, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"The guy begged him, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff.  They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.The bartender said,  "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?"The owner replied,  "I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

• Four nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them.Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there."The third guy said, "I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there."The fourth guy said, "I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there."The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!"

• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’ Football

• Sports do not build character. They reveal it.

• Dad shouts ..."STOP WATCHIN P*RN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!"Son: Dad...I am NOT watching p*rn... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!

• If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

• Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
  
  "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
  
  "Really? How'd you do that?"
  
  "I dropped the ball."
  
  

• A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately. ‘I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,’ says the man. ‘Watch them!’ says his wife.‘You already know how to play volleyball.’

• This was the most popular joke in South Africa after they drew the World Cup match that let Australia through to the final:
  
  This Australian cricket supporter is at the World Cup final when he has a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets up with St. Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven.
  
  "Well," the Aussie says, "three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!"
  
  St. Peter frowns and says, "What else?"
  
  "Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter!" the Aussie continues.
  
  "What else?"
  
  "A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!"
  
  So Peter tells the Aussie to wait for just a minute and he’ll be right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says, "Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!"

• A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?" He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing." She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he sh*ts in bed. The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?" He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

• Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
  
  "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
  
  "Batted .007," his wife added

• Yo mom is so dumb that she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

• A football fan is a guy who’ll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards away, then head for the paring lot and not be able to find his own car.

• Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom
  
  From the NCAA Tournament:
  
  "Basketball is a game of two halves."
  
  "We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."
  
  "You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."
  
  "He's like all great players -- not great yet."
  
  "You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."

• An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"

• Tom, the Commonwealth Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a bar with some friends.

  At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said “Sorry, mate, you can’t come in here – no denim.”

  Tom was quite annoyed at this and retorted, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Tom, the gold medal winner in 400m .”

  “Then it won’t take you long to run home and change, will it?” replied the bouncer.

  Submitted by zanny.

• An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?""I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!"

• At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
  The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
  

• Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
  It's an appointment!
  
  Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
  They got jellygated!
  
  Which insect didn't play well in goal?
  The fumble bee!
  
  What did the bumble bee striker say?
  Hive scored!
  
  What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
  A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
  
  What are Brazilian fans called?
  Brazil nuts!
  
  Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
  He was the skipper!
  
  How do hens encourage their football teams?
  They egg them on!
  
  

• Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
  They might be cheetahs!
  
  Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
  Fan: Why's that?
  Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
  
  Why do artists never when they play football?
  They keep drawing!
  
  Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
  So that they can pack the defence!
  
  Where do old bowling balls end up?
  In the gutter!
  
  Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
  Player: I finished it in three days!
  
  What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
  The scenter spot!

• Q: How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?A: Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.

• Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

• Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

• Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
  
  "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
  
  "Really? How'd you do that?"
  
  "I dropped the ball."

• My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.

• Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.
  A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.
  

• What's a bee's favourite sport?Rugbee.

• 1. Look at the size of his putter.
  
  2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
  
  3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
  
  4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
  
  5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
  
  6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
  
  7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
  
  8. Just turn your back and drop it.
  
  9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
  
  10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

• Why did the man keep doing the backstroke? He’d just had lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach!

• It was only her second date with a diehard baseball fan, and Sally was a little nervous. It was her fault they arrived at the ballpark a full hour after the game had started. Taking her seat, Sally glanced up at the scoreboard. It was a tight pitcher’s battle, bottom of the fifth, 0-0. “Look, John,” she exclaimed with relief, “we haven’t missed a thing.”

• What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.

• Three men go duck hunting one day. Two of them are inundated with stories from the third about his "great" duck hunting abilities.
  
  After a few hours the first two men have bagged a couple of ducks each, but the braggart hasn't taken a shot. They question him on this, so he agrees to show his shooting abilities at the next opportunity.
  
  A few moments later, one lone duck comes flying by. As promised, the braggart stands up and squeezes off one
  shot. The duck keeps flying!
  
  "Gentlemen, you have just witnessed a miracle," says the braggart pointing at the receding duck, "for there flies a dead duck."

• Q: How do you get a UNC fan to leave your house? A: Pay the pizza delivery driver.

• Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech?A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.

• A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he had try the game he asked the local pro for lessons explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
  
  The pro showed him the stance and swing then said Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.
  
  The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green where it stopped inches from the hole.
  
  Now what? the fellow asked the speechless pro.
  
  Uh... you are supposed to hit the ball into the cup the pro finally said after he was able to speak again.
  
  Oh great! NOW you tell me. said the beginner.

• Do I have any chance to win? Asks the boxer.Off course! Continue hitting the air and the adversary will shortly get a lung inflammation.

• A man is participating in a golf tournament.He was left to golf with just his caddy.On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups.The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty.However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty.Suddenly, Mother Nature appears."What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter.""Thanks," says the man."But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"

• Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.

  He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. “Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

  “Of course it me,” Bob replied.

  “This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

  “Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

  “Tell me the good news first.”

  “Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

  “Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

  “You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

  Submitted by cris.

• One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

  The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

  This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?”

  The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

  Submitted by cris.

• On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground."What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger."Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman."They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger."Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

• Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
  
  Master of Judo
  
  Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:
  
  Escape from Dojo
  
  The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
  
  Sleeper Stance
  
  Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
  
  Sigh of Wisdom
  
  Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
  
  Crossing Fingers
  
  A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
  
  Gift of Instruction
  
  The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
  
  Seeing Without Seeing
  
  The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
  
  Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)
  
  Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
  
  Mugger's Defense
  
  Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
  
  Sensei's Downfall
  
  Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.
  
  Further requirements:
  
  Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
  
  Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
  
  Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
  
  Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
  
  Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
  
  Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
  
  Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
  
  Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
  
  Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
  
  Must be able to sing Karaoke.
  
  Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
  
  Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
  
  Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
  
  Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
  
  Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
  
  Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
  
  Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.
  
  Note:
  
  Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.
  
  

• Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...Standardized Guide to the Bases!On Deck - Having plans for a dateStrike-Out - Duh!!Walk - KissingBunt - MasturbationSingle - Tongue kissingDouble - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feelsTriple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbationInside the park home run - Oral SexHome Run - SEX!Ground Rule Double - Would have sex, but no condomError - Condom breaks during sexBanned for life for gambling - Sex without condomHall of Fame - MarriageNow that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.Balk - Premature ejaculationPine Tar - KY jellyRelief pitcher - VibratorRain Delay - Parents/roommate return home unexpectedlyBox Seats - WaterbedSeventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positionsRookie - VirginMinor Leagues - Under 18Loaded Bases - Manages a trioGrand Slam - Sex four times in twelve hoursFoul tip - VDThree up and three down - ImpotencyNow that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.OLD WAY- We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time.NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out...

• A man takes his son tiger hunting. They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions? And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”

• Ricky Ponting's wife calls her husband but Australian Cricket Team Manager attends the call. Ricky's Wife: "Hello Can I talk to Ricky, this is his wife." Australian team Manager: "Sorry, he is just going to bat, I am the team manager, any message for him." Ricky's Wife: "No Problem Manager, I will hold on!"

• Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. Onenotices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. Hesays "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies"Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

• A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer."Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better."The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."

• Q: Why did your mom bring a spoon to the super-bowl?
  A: She wanted to eat it all!!
  

• What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.

• The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."
  
  "On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback.
  
  On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.
  
  When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"
  
  The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."
  

• During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede."Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede."And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?""Well, that was me as well," said the centipede."So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach."Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

• Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hourslate. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up tothe first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped deadof a heart attack."The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball,drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..."

• A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

• A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia. ‘Have you tried counting sheep?’ asks the doctor.‘It doesn’t work,’ replies the boxer.‘Every time I get to nine, I stand up.’

• The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

• Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.

• Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road.  The biker thought to himself,  "I'll cut that cat in two,"  and he bore down on it hard. As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road.  Too late!  His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH. When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself.  As the Devil shook the ex-biker's hand, he asked mockingly,  "So, how do you like it here?"The bad-ass biker replied,  "Man, this is one COOL place!" The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch.  The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked,  "So, how do you like it now?"The biker responded by saying,  "This is great!  Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August." Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go.  The next day, Hell was unbelievable.  Even some demons were melting into the floor.  The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up.  Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley.  I love it!" By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down.  Way down!  As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked,  "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?" With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered,  "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

• It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music
  in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
  
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
  
  Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He
  gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
  
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
  
  Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He
  reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
  
  The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
  
  The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
  
  To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember,
  it's damn slippery out there."
  

• What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
  Sorry, it was a freak hic!
  
  Why are football grounds odd?
  Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
  
  What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
  A flat back four!
  
  Why did the goal post get angry?
  Because the bar was rattled!
  
  What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
  Fiver side!
  
  What part of a football ground is never the same?
  The changing rooms!
  
  What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
  Bring on their subs!

• What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!

• Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. SuddenlyClinton grabs Hillary by thecollar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunnedumpire shouted, "No, Mr. President!I said, Throw the first PITCH!"

• Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club. He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fucked every week !'

• Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank?
  A: To get his quarter-back!
  

•  16> Curling
  
  15> Removing "Plastic Clamp Sensor from Just-Purchased Clothing with Common Household Utensil" Competition
  
  14> Discus Inferno
  
  13> 666-yard Ass-Luge Down A Razor Blade Into Cold Alcohol
  
  12> Naked Hot Oil Sumo Wrestling
  
  11> Marge Schott-Put
  
  10> Beelzebubsledding
  
  9> Giant Slalom and Gomorrah
  
  8> Synchronized Sinning
  
  7> Men's 500,000,000,000,000,000 Meter Barefoot Speed Skating
  
  6> Pummel Horse
  
  5> Mobius Strip "Loogie" Luge
  
  4> Karla Faye Tucker Pickaxe Toss
  
  3> Disfigure Skating
  
  2> Lawyer vs. Insurance Salesman Speed Talking Competition
  
  and the Number 1 Olympic Event in Hell...
  
  1> Clean 'n' Sober Snowboarding

• A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior."I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife.""Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea.""Well, what about anal sex?""Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea.""There is always oral sex.""Nope, she has pyorrhea.""Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?""That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"

• To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

• A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with
  dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop.
  
  The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.
  
  So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
  
  Her roommate, also a blonde came home and said, "What are you doing?"
  
  The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
  
  Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! Hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"

• Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?
  ....
  ....
  ....
  ....
  Because love means nothing to them.

• Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!"Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"

• In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

• A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks him if he's done any good. The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England.""Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?""Certainly," the man replies. "About three minutes ago."

• He was a colourful boxer. Black and blue all over.

• Why did the coach go to the bank?
  
  So he could get his quarter back.

• A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
  
  "They’re in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."
  
  "What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.
  
  "Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.
  
  "Really?" she responds. "Why don’t you wear the silver tonight? It’d be nice if you came second for a change."

• A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.""Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

• I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

• Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).Line - Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

• The coach says to the boxer encouragement words:The other one will surely win, but at least look at the cameras and smile...

• Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball."I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends."I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.""Batted .007," his wife added.

• A man playing golf by himself at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral"

• At the first hole on a golf course, a man tees off and hits a hard drive, but the ball hooks badly and goes off the course entirely. The man figures it's a lost ball, puts another ball down and starts again. He plays nine holes when a policeman comes up to him:
  "Sir, did you lose a ball a while back?"
  "Yes, I did. Why?"
  "Well, sir, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. You see, your ball struck a cyclist, causing him to swerve right into the path of an oncoming bus. The bus hit the cyclist and then rammed head-on into a truck coming from the opposite direction. At the moment the casualties are twenty-one dead and we don't know how many injured."
  The man says, "Oh, this is dreadful!.... I ... I had no idea.... is there anything I can do?"
  "Well, sir, the next time you want to hold the club a little more to the right, like this..."

• A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

• The pro-football team had just finished its daily practice when a large turkey strutted onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and requested a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “Your are terrific! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge signing bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said. “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

• Hey babe, let's play football!You can have first down.High five!

• Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees abuilding on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding herpet cat in her arms."Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat.""No," she cries, "It's too far.""I play football, I can catch him."The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves toLarry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catchit. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handedcatch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks intocheers.Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles hisknees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

• An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

• A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green.But each time the ball splashes into the drink.In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself."The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"

• Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.

• 1. Well, it’s Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I’ve got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

  2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

  3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

  4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

  5. Well, it’s a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

  6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

  7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn’t here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

  8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

  9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

  10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

  Submitted by zanny.

• A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans . . ."The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks.""$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."

• 20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
  
  19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
  
  18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
  
  17. It's a game of inches.
  
  16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
  
  15. When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.
  
  14. He's gonna feel that one tommorow.
  
  13. He found his tight end.
  
  12. End around
  
  11. He had to stretch to get it in.
  
  10. He gets penetration into the backfield.
  
  9. He blows them off (at the line).
  
  8. He bangs it in.
  
  7. He could go all the way.
  
  6. He gets it off just in time.
  
  5. He goes deep.
  
  4. He found a hole and slid through it
  
  3. He pounds it in
  
  2. He beats them off (the line)
  
  1. He's got great hands

• I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

• Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."

• A college freshman decided to try out for the football team."Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?""Of course I can run," said the freshman.He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

• There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!". The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"

• Two guys were playing golf. On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups. All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups. She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations." *POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!" Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over." Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"

• Why can't Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

• Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
  
  From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
  
  You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.
  
  Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
  
  They keep shouting "Do over!"
  
  When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.
  
  Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
  
  First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
  
  Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
  
  Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
  
  You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
  
  They play like the Mets
  
  

• Hey babe, can I get into your penalty box? High five!

• Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV (basketball players only) Time Limit: 3 weeks *1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for?14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?20. The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

• Q: What do Bill Buckner and Micheal Jackson have in common?
  A: They both wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.

• Q:How do sport players stay cool in game?A:They stay in front of some fans!

• A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money.
  
  Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods.
  
  The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground four times.
  
  The hunters went into the woods and killed four rabbits and could not find anymore.
  
  The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than four rabbits.
  
  The buyer was impressed and bought the dog. The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was hunching on his leg and scratching the ground and shacking a stick in his mouth.
  
  The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he seen the previous owner and told him what happended.
  
  The owner told him he was trying to tell you there was more f**king rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.
  

• I'm dressing like a Dodger this Halloween. I'm going as a loser!

• Mama Bear and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand. The judge says, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies. "He beats me." The judge then asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies."She beats me too." So the judge says, "So who do you want to live with?"Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody."

• A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that’s your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

• Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

• What is the noisiest game? Squash – because you can’t play it without raising a racquet!

• Q:Why is basketball the grossest sport there is?A:Because they dribble all over the court.

• A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack"

• A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!" Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" 

• How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

• A fisherman accidentally left his day’s catch under the seat of a bus. The next evening’s newspaper carried an ad: “If the person who left a bucket of fish on the No. 47 bus would care to come to the garage, he can have the bus.”

• A man hit his drive behind a barn and could not see the green. His wife said, "I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green."When the husband did this he hit his wife in the temple and killed her on the spot.About six months later the husband was playing golf with a friend and sure enough he hit his ball behind the same barn. His friend said, "I'll open the doors on both ends of the barn and you can hit the ball through the barn to the green." The husband said, "I don't think I can do this and anyway I hate this hole." His friend said, "It's not that hard and why do you hate this hole?" The husband said, after bowing his head, "The last time I played this hole I got an 8!"

• A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

• NFL Team Lame Names
  
  When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
  
  AFC West:
  
  Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys
  
  Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs
  
  Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders
  
  San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers
  
  Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks
  
  AFC Central:
  
  Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels
  
  Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns
  
  Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers
  
  Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers
  
  AFC East:
  
  Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils
  
  Buffalo Spills
  
  Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts
  
  Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins
  
  Miami Soft Ones
  
  New England Patriots - New England Patsys
  
  New York Jets - New York Pets
  
  New York Not Yets
  
  NFC West:
  
  Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons
  
  New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's
  
  Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs
  
  San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners
  
  NFC Central:
  
  Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs
  
  Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's
  
  Detroit Kittens
  
  Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers
  
  Green Bay Slackers
  
  Green Bay Whackers
  
  Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes
  
  Minnesota ViQueens
  
  Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
  
  NFC East:
  
  Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals
  
  Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls
  
  Dallas Cowpie
  
  New York Giants - New York Midgets
  
  Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles
  
  Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins
  
  Expansion Teams:
  
  Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers
  
  Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars

• Do you know karate? Cause your body's kickin!

• Two baseball players promised each other. If one of them died frist he will come back as a ghost to tell if there was baseball in heaven. So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." Then the other persom says,"tell me." so he says,"The good news is there is baseball in heaven but the bad news is that your pitching tomorrow."

• There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
  
  When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
  
  The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
  
  

• THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
  
  With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
  
  Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
  
  Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
  
  "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
  
  Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
  
  "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
  
  Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
  
  Simply fill out the form below.
  
  ___YES, I want to help!
  
  I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
  
  

  [ ] Starter[ ] Reserve[ ] Star*[ ] Superstar**[ ] Entire team***[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.* Higher cost** Much higher cost*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).

  Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
  
  

  [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard[ ] Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________Telephone Number: __________________Account Number: _____________________Exp.Date:____________________________Signature: _________________________

  Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
  
  Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.
  
  

• Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "no". Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

• Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"

• Who's On First
  
  (Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)
  
  LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?
  
  BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
  
  LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
  
  BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
  
  LOU: You know the fellows' names?
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.
  
  BUD: Yes
  
  LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
  
  BUD: Who.
  
  LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
  
  BUD: Who.
  
  LOU: The guy on first base.
  
  BUD: Who is on first.
  
  LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?
  
  BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
  
  LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
  
  BUD: That's the man's name!
  
  LOU: That's who's name?
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.
  
  BUD: Who.
  
  LOU: The guy on first.
  
  BUD: Who.
  
  LOU: The first baseman.
  
  BUD: Who is on first.
  
  LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
  
  BUD: Certainly.
  
  LOU: Then who's playing first?
  
  BUD: Absolutely.
  
  LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
  
  BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
  
  LOU: Who is?
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: So who gets it?
  
  BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
  
  LOU: Who's wife?
  
  BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.
  
  LOU: Who does?
  
  BUD: Absolutely.
  
  LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
  
  BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
  
  LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who's on first.
  
  LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.
  
  BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
  
  LOU: I'm not changing nobody.
  
  BUD: Now, take it easy.
  
  LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
  
  BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
  
  LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who's on first.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
  
  LOU: How could I get on third base?
  
  BUD: You mentioned his name.
  
  LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
  
  BUD: No, Who's playing first.
  
  LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?
  
  BUD: Well what do you want me to do?
  
  LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
  
  BUD: What's on second.
  
  LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who's on first.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD: He's on third.
  
  LOU: There I go back on third again.
  
  BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
  
  LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.
  
  BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.
  
  LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
  
  BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
  
  LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who's on first.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD: THIRD BASE!
  
  LOU: You got an outfield?
  
  BUD: Oh, sure.
  
  LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
  
  BUD: Oh, absolutely.
  
  LOU: The left fielder's name?
  
  BUD: Why.
  
  LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
  
  BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
  
  LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.
  
  BUD: Who's playing first.
  
  LOU: Stay out of the infield!
  
  BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.
  
  LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?
  
  BUD: What is on second.
  
  LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
  
  BUD: Who is on first.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.
  
  LOU: And the left fielder's name?
  
  BUD: Why.
  
  LOU: Because.
  
  BUD: Oh he's Center Field.
  
  LOU: (whimpers) Center field.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.
  
  BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
  
  LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
  
  BUD: Tomorrow.
  
  LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
  
  BUD: I'm tell you, man.
  
  LOU: Then go ahead.
  
  BUD: Tomorrow.
  
  LOU: What time?
  
  BUD: What time what?
  
  LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
  
  BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --
  
  LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
  
  BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
  
  LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
  
  BUD: What's on second.
  
  LOU: I don't know.
  
  BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!
  
  LOU: You gotta Catcher?
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: The Catcher's name?
  
  BUD: Today.
  
  LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
  
  BUD: Now you've got it.
  
  LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.
  
  BUD: Well I can't help that.
  
  LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.
  
  BUD: I know that.
  
  LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
  
  BUD: Well I might arrange that.
  
  LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
  
  BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
  
  LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
  
  BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
  
  LOU: is to throw it to first base.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: Now who's got it?
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: Who has it?
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: Naturally.
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: O.K.
  
  BUD: Now you've got it.
  
  LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
  
  BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.
  
  LOU: Then who gets it?
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: O.K.
  
  BUD: All right.
  
  LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
  
  BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.
  
  LOU: Naturally.
  
  BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
  
  LOU: That's what I said.
  
  BUD: You did not.
  
  LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
  
  BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
  
  LOU: Naturally.
  
  BUD: Yes.
  
  LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
  
  BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--
  
  LOU: Then who gets it?
  
  BUD: Naturally.
  
  LOU: That's what I'm saying.
  
  BUD: You're not saying that.
  
  LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
  
  BUD: You throw it to Who!
  
  LOU: Naturally.
  
  BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.
  
  LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
  
  BUD: Now don't get excited.
  
  LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--
  
  BUD: Then Who gets it.
  
  LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!
  
  BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.
  
  LOU: Hrmmph.
  
  BUD: Hrmmph.
  
  LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
  
  BUD: Uh-huh.
  
  LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.
  
  BUD: Yeah. It could be.
  
  LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
  
  BUD: What did you say.
  
  LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."
  
  BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!
  
  LOU: ABBOTT!
  
  

• Hey gurl, how about you make the Patriots and deflate these balls.

• Did you know you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet?It doesn’t take much memory – just two Bytes.

• Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They made a promise to each other, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
  
  One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally, Earl did. He said to Bob.
  
  "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven."
  
  Bob said, "That’s the best news!"
  
  Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."

• A boxer had written on his tombstone: "You can stop counting. I'm not getting up."

• There was this basically-good man who died and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come back to Heaven. Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at at first site, and he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round. The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there. He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there. When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course.Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball. Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball."That's the Hell of it," says Satan with a devilish laugh.

• "How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

  
  "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

  
  "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

  
  "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

  
  "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

  
  The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

  
  "Yup," Scott answered.

  
  "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

  
  "I forgot."

• The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department.""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported."Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

• Why did the referee have such a high phone bill?Because he made to many calls!

• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

• A game warden noticed his elderly neighbor was going fishing every mourning without any fishing tackle only a silver lunch box. When he returned in the evening he would always have a stringer full of fish. The game warden was curious on how he was catching his fish. He asked the elderly neighbor how he caught so many fish. The man replied he would show him if he would like to go with him the following mourning. The Game warden replied he would love to go. The following mourning they hooked up his boat and the old man had his silver lunch box with him as usual. They launched the boat and in the middle of the lake the old man stopped the boat opened his lunch box took out a stick of dynamite lit it and through into the lake. Seconds later fish came floating up the game warden was shocked and told the old man that was illegal. The old man calmly lit another stick of dynamite handed it to the game warden, then asked him well are you going to fish or just cut bait.

• A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

  
  During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

  
  As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

  
  As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

  
  "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

• Rugby player: "Doctor, doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror - I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" Doctor: "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

• Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

• Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One bloke says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 95 years old, and she's just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

• For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
  
  They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
  
  Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten
  points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
  
  Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she puts weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it a full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
  
  Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
  on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told
  me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
  
  Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to life dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
  
  Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
  human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my
  body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would
  be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school. YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
  
  Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I
  am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
  
  Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next
  time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
  

• "Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."

• Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.

• Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" 

• One day Stan comes home from a hard day at work. He sees his wife bending down to clean the floor under the sofa. So Stan goes over to his wife and starts fucking her from behind. After he finishes, he gives her a hard smack to the head. His wife yells, ''What was that for!?'' To which Stan replies, ''That's for not checking to see who it was.''

• Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!" Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"

• A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.
  “I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”
  

• On the ninth day, God said, "Let there be soccer."And it was good.Later on that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence."God said, "Let it be called the Manchester United."Later that day, God said, "Even Man U needs idiots." So HE made their fans.

• Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

• A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. “Where is Mike?” asked another hunter. “He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”

• A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladiesare hitting from the ladies tee.The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is readyto hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks itanother ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically"I guess all those f**king lessons I took this winter didn't help."One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. Youshould have been taking golf lessons instead."

• Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"
  
  Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
  
  Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
  
  Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
  
  Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
  
  Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
  
  And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
  
  Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball
  lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
  
  "But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
  
  "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
  
  Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
  
  Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
  
  Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
  
  Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
  
  Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
  
  Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

• Tom, Frank, and Harry are fishing in a boat. Frank stands up to get a beer, loses his balance, falls in the lake, and dissapears. After a few minutes, and no sign of Frank, Tom tells Harry he better go in after him. Harry drags him into the boat and notices hes not breathing."Better give him mouth-to-mouth" says Tom. "Whew! I don't remember him having this bad of breath!" says Harry. Tom replies, "Oh yeah, well I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit!"

• This husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help!" she said. The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?!?""Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help.""The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?" she gasped in pain."Hey ! I told you not to worry," he said, as he practiced stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through." 

• A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.
  
  The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
  
  The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
  
  "No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."

• What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
  Sorry, it was a freak hic!
  
  Why are football grounds odd?
  Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
  
  What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
  A flat back four!
  
  Why did the goal post get angry?
  Because the bar was rattled!
  
  What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
  Fiver side!
  
  What part of a football ground is never the same?
  The changing rooms!
  
  What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
  Bring on their subs!
  
  

• Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on.
  
  On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"
  
  Joe says, "Yes I did."
  
  "Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
  
  "Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
  
  "Yes there is," the cop says.
  
  "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
  

• There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not. One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend."Hi, John.”""Cliff, is it really you?""Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news.""Okay. What’s the good news?""There is baseball in heaven.""The bad news?""You’re pitching tomorrow night."

• Q: What do you have if you hold 13 tennis balls in one hand and 15 tennis balls in the other hand?
  
  A: REALLY big hands!

• A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
  
  "No." said the boy.
  
  "Why not?" said the judge.
  
  "Because she beats me."
  
  The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
  
  "Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."
  
  Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
  
  "I want to live with the Florida Marlins."
  
  "Why?" asks the judge.
  
  "They never beat anybody."

• A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

• During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

• There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Soccer World Cup. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldn’t see the game, so he began looking around.
  
  Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.
  
  The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.
  
  "Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?"
  
  The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife’s seat."
  
  "Where is she?" the guy replied.
  
  "She died."
  
  "Oh, I’m sorry...don’t you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?"
  
  "No, they couldn’t come."
  
  "Why?"
  
  "Because they are at her funeral."
  

• Coach: Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!Football Player: Coach, It is just not true! Coach: What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!Football player: Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!

• Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.Caddy: O! So, he too has played with you?

• A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
  "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
  
  "When is that?"
  
  "Right after the National Anthem."  

• There was this guy at the golf course that was always cheating. He never played a straight game of golf. Always improving his lie, taking mulligans, etc. It got so bad that no one ever wanted to play a round with him.
  
  One day the golf pro walked up to him and said, "We're going to go out and play a round and I'm going to show you how you?re supposed to play this game. There will be absolutely no cheating. It'll be an honest game of golf."
  
  The man looked sort of disappointed but replied, "Well, alright."
  
  On the first tee, the pro decided to let the man go first so that he could keep an eye on him.
  
  After setting up his shot, the man finally tees off and really slices the ball. It passes through a couple of trees, bounces twice, rolls and then comes to a stop on the cart path.
  
  Then the pro tees of and hits a really straight ball right down the middle of the fairway.
  
  They put their clubs away and proceed down the fairway to hit their second shot.
  
  Upon arriving to his ball, the man reaches down to pick it up and move it off the path. The pro sees this and says, "Hey, wait a minute. You've got to play that ball where it stopped. Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'play it where it lays'??
  
  The man replies, "Well yeah, but I can't hit the ball when it's on the cart path."
  
  "Well you have too", the pro says. "It's in the rule book."
  
  The man frowns and seems to ponder the issue for a moment. "Well, alright." He replies. He walks over, grabs a club, and addresses his ball. He starts his back swing and then proceeds to scrape the club head across the pavement, sparks flying everywhere, and hit a beautiful shot that lands on the green and stops two feet from the hole.
  
  The pro in wonderment says, "Wow! That was a beautiful shot. What did you use on that?"
  
  The man looks at him and replies, "Your four iron."

• Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...
  When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..
  But he does have witnesses...Seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..
  "Look at that guy," Jesus says, "He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."
  "No," God says, "I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."
  Guy sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.
  "What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"
  "That's right, son, indeed it is....and because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

• A Green Bay Packer fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Minnesota Viking fans?"
  
  The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Viking fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Viking fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 280 pounds and he's a Viking fan, too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
  
  The Packer fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

• Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV. "Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?" "I’m sick of sports, I’m sick of TV," she replied."You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!" "OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"

• A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned.""What is your sin, my child?" the priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.""When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest."I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.""Is that when you swore?""No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.""Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again."Well, no," said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!""Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest."No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.""Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient priest."No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.""You missed the d*mn putt, didn't you?" sighed the priest.

• Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
  
  "Hello?"
  
  "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"
  
  "Yes."
  
  "Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
  
  "What’s the price?"
  
  "Only $1,500.00."
  
  "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras."
  
  "Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else..."
  
  "Yes?"
  
  "It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property..."
  
  "How much are they asking?"
  
  "Only $450,000...a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank..."
  
  "Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?"
  
  "Okay, sweetie...Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!"
  
  "Bye..." The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, "Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?"
  

• Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.

• Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

• The Golfer asked his Caddy, "Hey boy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy replied, "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"

• A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
  
  "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
  
  "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
  
  "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.
  
  "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
  
  The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

• The boxer fells down in the fourth round. The referee starts counting. Billy’s grandmother gets up on her legs from the first row and screams:Stop counting for nothing, he won’t get up! I know him from the buss...

• I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.

• Why is basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!

• What lights up a football stadium?
  A football match!
  
  If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
  Cornflakes!
  
  Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
  Because there is no atmosphere!
  
  Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
  Webley stadium!
  
  When fish play football, who is the captain?
  The team's kipper!
  
  Ref: I'm sending you off
  Player: What for?
  Ref: The rest of the match!
  
  Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
  They tend to go cheep!
  
  What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
  Beans on post!

• What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? "When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

• 1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
  
  2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  
  3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
  
  4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
  
  5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
  
  6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  
  7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  
  8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  
  9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  
  10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

• There is a guy who wants to go ice fishing, so he goes to the ice and cuts a hole in it.
  He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
  He leaves and goes to another spot on the ice.
  He hears, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN HERE."
  Baffled, the guy asks, "Is this God?"
  The voice responds, "No, this is the announcer!"

• 
  NOTE: If you are easily offended by jokes related to Jesus, PLEASE do not read the joke below.
  
  -----------------------
  After a two-year hiatus from
  basketball, Jesus Christ returned to the NBA last night, playing with his
  former team, the Atlanta Hawks. Christ, who quit the sport in May 1994 to focus on spreading His message of universal love and compassion, made His triumphant return last night against the Bulls, just in time for Easter Sunday. The return of Christ, who averaged 18.2 points and 7.3 assists per game during his 10-year NBA career, has excited success-hungry Hawks fans, who are calling Him the team's "Savior."
  
  Said Atlanta resident and devout Christian Jeff Voorhees, "Jesus is Lord."
  
  Christ's decision to return to the
  Hawks surprised insiders, considering for years the Nazareth native had been
  crucified by the Atlanta press. Ever since He was drafted third overall out of Texas A&M in 1986, Christ has been labeled "too passive and forgiving" to ever lead the Hawks to the promised land. Christ, however, has decided to turn the other cheek.
  
  "I forgive Atlanta Journal-Constitution sportswriter Stan Sheridan," Christ said. "He knows not what he writes."
  
  The closest Christ came to signing
  with another team came in December, when He spent 40 days and 40 nights in
  the desert with Detroit Pistons coach Doug Collins. After consulting His father, God, Christ decided to turn down the Pistons' offer of 30 gold pieces.
  
  "Get thee behind me, Coach Collins,"
  Christ reportedly said.
  
  Though some say the media led Christ
  to quit basketball, many contend He quit after being betrayed by teammate
  Kevin Willis during a 1994 Celtics-Hawks playoff game. With three seconds left and the Hawks trailing by one, Christ was wide open underneath the basket for an easy lay-up. Instead of passing to Christ, Willis took a wild shot from three-point range, missing the net completely. After the game, a visibly upset Christ stretched out His arms and said, "Kevin Willis, why hast thou forsaken me?"
  
  Despite the controversies, Hawks teammates and personnel are excited
  to have Christ back.
  
  Forward Stacey Augmon, just one of the many Hawks players who claims to have a personal relationship with Christ, said, "He's taught me so much, like how to love your enemies as yourself, to pray for those who hurt you, and when to pass up the three in favor of a higher percentage shot."
  
  Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ's "Ascension Dunk," a crowd favorite. In the patented dunk, Christ leaps His less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, then miraculously ascends toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just long enough to stuff the ball. An accompanying angelic choir momentarily stuns His defenders as the ball comes crashing down on their heads. The move wowed audiences at
  NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions for two years in a row.
  
  A three-time NBA All-Star, Christ impressed team doctors during a brief, closed-door workout Friday, in which He displayed His still-sharp shooting skills, dribbling ability and overwhelming love for all mankind.
  
  Team doctors also noted that in contrast to most players who take
  layoffs, Christ's body fat is just 3 percent, even lower than when He was
  playing. Christ attributed the low figure to His recent food-free, 2,000-year out-of-body reign in His Father's Kingdom.
  
  Meanwhile, the league made a special ruling regarding Christ's crown of thorns, deciding that He may wear the headpiece only so long as He does not "unwittingly anoint a player with the forgiving power of His Holy Blood."
  
  Though Hawks fans seem certain Christ can help the team, some NBA experts question whether Jesus is the Answer.
  
  "The healing power of His Holy Love may get the Hawks into the playoffs, but they can't ride it alone to the championship," NBA commentator Hubie Brown said. "What they really need is a solid power forward who can fill the lane, someone like Cliff Robinson."
  
  Some analysts think that Christ's injuries, along with His added age,
  may slow Him down.
  
  "Christ isn't going to be 32 forever, and, quite frankly, He hasn't been the same since the Romans drove holes into His hands and feet," NBA analyst and former coach Chuck Daly said. "A painful
  stigmata injury is difficult to overcome, and it may affect His shooting
  touch. Still, I'm pretty confident He can rise again."

• "I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in." - Terry Venables.

• My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf . . . you know, golf . . . that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?""Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find.""Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off.""What's tee off?""It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.""Not for me," I said. "You can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere.""No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger.""Yeah, I've got one of those.""Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.""You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.""You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so.He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?""Sure.""You're balls are in it, aren't they?""Of course," I told him."Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?""I suppose I could, but I'll be d*mned if I am going to.""Don't you have a zipper on your bag?""No, I am the old fashioned type.""Do you know how to hold your club?"Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so.He said, "You take your club in both hands . . . "Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about.Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder . . ."No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.He asked, "How do your hold your club?"And before I thought about it, I said, "With two fingers."He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing.He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars. . ."I could well imagine that.". . . and when you're on the green . . .""What's the green?""That's where the hole is.""Sure you're not color blind?""Then you take your putter in your hands. . .""What's a putter?""That's the smallest club made.""That's what I got, a putter.""And with it, you put your ball into the hole."I corrected him, "You mean the putter.""No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon."Then," he said, "after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17."Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell."You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?""Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?""The flag will go up!"Well, golfing is not for me.

• At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative."Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes."So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a worthless idiot' is it?'' Again the little boy nodded."Good," said the coach."Now go over there and explain all that to your parents."

• I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

•  Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ?
  He was the skipper !

• What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?Annette!

• Why are football stadiums always cool? "Because they're full of fans."

• At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

• A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question and if you get it right, you can play."The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate...what is two plus two?"The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?""Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

• Things to do at a Bowling Alley
  
  Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
  
  When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
  
  Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
  
  Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
  
  Wear Golf Shoes.
  
  Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
  
  Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
  
  Play bocci with extra lane balls
  
  Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
  
  Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
  
  Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
  
  Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
  
  Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
  
  Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
  
  Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
  
  Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
  
  Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
  
  Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
  
  Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
  
  Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
  
  Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
  
  Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
  
  Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
  
  Rent all the shoes, eat them
  
  Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
  
  When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
  
  If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
  
  Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
  
  Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
  
  SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
  
  Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
  
  Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
  
  Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
  
  Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
  
  Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
  
  Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
  
  Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
  
  Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
  
  Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.
  
  

• This was one of my dad's favorite jokes:
  Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure!"
  As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."
  

• Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: "Any luck?""Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts."Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger."Nope.""Well, meet the new game warden.""Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?""Nope.""Meet the biggest liar in the state!"

• I think that I shall never see
  a hazard rougher than an tree;
  A tree o'er which my ball must fly
  if on the green it is to lie;A tree which stands that green to guard,
  and makes the shot extremely hard;
  A tree whose leafy arms extend
  to kill the six iron shot I send;A tree that stands in silence there,
  while angry golfers rave and swear.
  Irons were made for fools like me
  who cannot ever miss a tree. 

• I had lunch with a chess champion the other day.
  It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

• Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviouslymuch better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club memberswere amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100."What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeingup for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his handbetween my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you evertried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

• One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

• Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
  They might be cheetahs!
  
  Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
  Fan: Why's that?
  Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
  
  Why do artists never when they play football?
  They keep drawing!
  
  Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
  So that they can pack the defence!
  
  Where do old bowling balls end up?
  In the gutter!
  
  Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
  Player: I finished it in three days!
  
  What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
  The scenter spot!
  
  

• Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard."The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards."

• A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.

• Top Baseball Player Demands
  
  From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994
  
  In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]
  
  No team flights on Continental Airlines.
  
  Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
  
  Make it legal to cork their pants.
  
  Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
  
  No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
  
  Two words: Streisand tickets.
  
  Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".
  
  Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
  
  Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
  
  More games against the Mets.
  
  

• I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

• The divorce judge asked little Johnny which parent he wanted to live with. Little Johnny replied, "Not my daddy, he beats me...Not my mommy, either; she beats me, too." Little Johnny thought for a minute, then exclaimed, "I know! I want to live with the New Orleans Saints! They don’t beat anybody!"

• I don't believe for a second weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that's indecision.
  
  --Paula Poundstone

• A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team.

  During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.

  The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. “Run!” his teammates cried. “For Pete’s sake, run!”

  The Brit turned and stared at them icily. “I jolly well shan’t run,” he replied. “I’m perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball.”

  Submitted by cris.

• Where do religious school children practice sports?
  In the prayground!
  
  How did the basketball court get wet?
  The players dribbled all over it!
  
  Why did the chicken get sent off?
  For persistent fowl play!
  
  Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
  It was a cup draw!
  
  Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
  The bored room!
  
  A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?
  
  "Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter
  
  "They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
  
  Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
  To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

• Top NFL Complaints
  
  

  1. After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
     
     
  2. Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".
     
     
  3. Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".
     
     
  4. Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
     
     
  5. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.
     
     
  6. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!
     
     
  7. Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
     
     
  8. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!
     
     
  9. Don King only bribes boxing judges.
     
     
  10. Official rule books not made in Braille.
      
      
  11. I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!
      
      

• Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.
  “That was a stiff climb,” said the first man. “It certainly was,” replied the second man.
  “And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”
  

• The Old GA young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
  
  Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
  
  Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
  
  To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.
  
  Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
  
  After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
  
  The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 2 feet tall."
  olfer

• Q: How do you make NY Jets cookies?
  A: Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours.

• Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service.

• Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?".The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?"."Sure!", says his buddy."Where did it go?", the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."

• Snowboarding Lessons
  
  When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."
  
  This is the voice of Satan.
  
  I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
  
  I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.
  
  This is because I went snowboarding.
  
  For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
  
  These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."
  
  People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.
  
  We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).
  
  If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.
  
  At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.
  
  So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.
  
  In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.
  
  Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.
  
  Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.
  
  Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
  
  I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.
  
  Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.
  
  You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)
  
  We learned snowboarding via a two step method:
  
  Step One: Watching Brad do something.
  
  Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
  
  I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
  
  I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.
  
  "Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.
  
  Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"
  
  Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.
  
  If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
  
  So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

• Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

• Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my f**king ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some *ssh*le puts a swimming cap on me!"

• What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

• * The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. * He came at his blind side and got him from behind. * He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow! * It's a game of inches. * That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. * When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it. * He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. * He found his tight end. * End around! * He had to stretch to get it in! * He gets penetration into the backfield! * He blows them off (at the line)! * He bangs it in! * He could go all the way! * He gets it off just in time! * He goes deep! * He found a hole and slid through it! * He pounds it in! * He beats them off (the line) * He's got great hands

• The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

• A football fan is a guy who’ll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards away, then head for the parking lot and not be able to find his own car.

• Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90′s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”

  The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.”

  “What’s the bad news?”

  “The bad news is that you’re pitching on Wednesday.”

  Submitted by zanny.

• Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano? His undertaker. Golf

• A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat I am the greatest hitter in the world he announced.
  
  Then he tossed the ball into the air swung at it and missed.
  
  Strike One! he yelled. Undaunted he picked up the ball and said again
  
  I am the greatest hitter in the world!
  
  He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
  
  Strike Two! he cried.
  
  The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
  
  He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more
  
  I am the greatest hitter in the world!
  
  Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
  
  Strike Three!
  
  Wow! he exclaimed. I am the greatest pitcher in the world.

• Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

• A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."

• After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run.""How about foreplay?" his wife replies."What's the foreplay?" says Doug."You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

• Top NFL Complaints After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition. Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail". Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger". Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks p*ssing off their last remaining fan. With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless. Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!! Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky. Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week! Don King only bribes boxing judges. Official rule books not made in Braille. I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

• Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

• Q: What do you call a bench full of white people?
  A: The MLB.

• What lights up a football stadium?
  A football match!
  
  If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
  Cornflakes!
  
  Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
  Because there is no atmosphere!
  
  Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
  Webley stadium!
  
  When fish play football, who is the captain?
  The team's kipper!
  
  Ref: I'm sending you off
  Player: What for?
  Ref: The rest of the match!
  
  Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
  They tend to go cheep!
  
  What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
  Beans on post!
  
  

• Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing.Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball.It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball.It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap.But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws.The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it.Startled, the eagle drops the fish.When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time."

• Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:
  
  16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
  
  15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
  
  14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
  
  13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
  
  12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
  
  11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
  
  10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
  
  9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
  
  8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
  
  7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
  
  6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
  
  5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
  
  4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
  
  3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
  
  2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
  
  1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
  
  

• “Hey, you!” yelled the ranger to the small child. “Can’t you read that sign?
  No fishing in this river.”
  “I’m not fishing,” came the perky reply. “I’m teaching my worm how to swim!”
  

• Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
  
  The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
  
  Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
  
  Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
  
  Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
  
  "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
  
  He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
  
  "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
  
  

• I really lack the words to compliment myself today.

• After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.
  
  1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
  
  2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
  
  3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
  
  4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
  
  5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
  
  6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
  
  Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your
  balls become.

• Did you hear about the small golf course? You don’t have to shout ‘Fore!’, only ‘two and a half’.

• This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he wouldspend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,he was told that the only way he could play today was if hewas willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first holehe said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker."Goddammit!" he said."Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of languagearound us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twentyyards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well sh*t, Godd*mn, hell, f**k!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a f**kin' tree."

• A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the penalty areas on the practice pitch.Ok boys, he said, who's shit on the ground?Emile Heskey replied:"Me coach, but I'm good in the air!"

• World Cup 2007 Team Pakistan
  Coach : Dog Woolmer
  Team :
  Bekar Yonus
  
  Inzimam Ful Duck
  
  Imran Fakeer
  
  Danish Malaria
  
  Shoaib Nalaik
  
  Yosaf Nana
  
  Umer Bul
  
  Kamran Khatmal
  
  Kana Naveed
  
  Rao Lachar
  
  Hafeez Chawal
  
  Extras :
  Azhar Moghror
  
  Shahid Afriki
  
  Sami Bonga

• A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole."Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro."Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again."Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

• A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m.He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

• Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? All the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the USA.

• A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hoursto spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he wasabout to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked ifhe could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not beingable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originallylay.

• One day Boudreaux gets a letter in the mail that says he’s qualified for the Olympics in wrestling. He and his trainer go to the Olympics, where Boudreaux beats the hell out of every wrestler there and just has to beat the world champion for the gold. The trainer tells Boudreaux he’d better watch out when wrestling the champ because of his famous move, the ’Prestole Hold.’ "Ain’t no one ever broke the Prestole Hold," the trainer tells Boudreaux.
  
  Next thing he knows, Boudreaux is in the ring. He and the champ swap blows back and forth and the match is going pretty well for Boudreaux, but suddenly, the champ has Boudreaux in the Prestole Hold. The trainer is terribly upset: "Oh, no, Boudreaux, you let him get you in the Prestole Hold!"
  
  A few moments later, Boudreaux rises with incredible strength and throws the champ out of the ring, thus winning the wrestling match and taking the gold. "How did you do it?" asks the trainer.
  
  Boudreaux says, "Well, he got me in the Prestole Hold. My arms were tied and my legs were hanging over my head and I was squinting with pain. But when I opened my eyes, I suddenly saw these two round hairy things dangling right in front of my face...and you don’t know how much strength you get when you bite your own balls!"
  

• How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

• I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.

• 10. Nuts... my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.7. Look at the size of his putter.6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. 1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first. 

• There was a terrible tragedy concerning the local ice hockey team. They drowned during spring training.

• One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.
  The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.
  He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."

• Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing.Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!"

• After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?""Yes," the golfer responded."Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?""Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked."Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"The golfer thought it over carefully and responded..."I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

• A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious... What does Hell look like?" So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me." And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator." The man said "Thank you" and then climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven. After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, "I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question." "Go ahead", replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?" Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, huh. I guess the Denver Broncos finally won the Super Bowl !!"

• It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
  
  How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
  
  The official just stared.
  
  The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
  
  The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
  
  The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

• Q: What's the difference between a teabag and england?A: The teabag stays in the cup longer!

• Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
  A: A huddle.
  
  Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
  A: The police.
  
  Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
  A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
  
  The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."
  
  The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
  
  The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
  
  The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
  
  Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
  A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

• Do you play volleyball? Because you look like your good on ur knees!

• What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!

• A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until at 8 p.m. the husband finally pulls into the driveway. "What happened?" says the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!" "Harry had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband. "Oh, that's terrible," says the wife. "I know," the husband answers. "All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

• A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group.When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple. The group looked at it and started laughing. The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it."A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches."The inventor said, "Flip it over."He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes."The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?""Pussy," said the inventor.The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ass!"The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."

• On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

• A guy took his girl friend to her first Longhorn football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,
  "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
  Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
  "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: get the quarterback. Get the quarterback! It’s only 25 cents!
  

• The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

• A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
  To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
  With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
  The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

• While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist’s boat capsized. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the capsized craft. Finally spotting a beachcomber on the shore, he shouted out to him, “Hey, are there any ‘gators around here?”

  “Nope,” the man yelled back. “Ain’t been any ‘gators ’round these parts for years!”

  Feeling more at ease, the tourist commenced swimming leisurely towards shore.

  When he was about halfway there, he shouted out to the beachcomber again, “How’d you get rid of the ‘gators?”

  “Oh, we didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber yelled back. “The sharks got every last one of ‘em!”

  Submitted by cris.

• There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater.He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet. There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on. But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet. When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on. Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear. The guy writes back, ''Because I'm drowning, asshole!''

• A guy goes to the Doctor and says I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum !
  The Doctor says "How's That"
  The guy says don't you start !

• Q: How do you make NY Jets cookies?
  A: Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours.

• The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
  
  9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
  
  8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
  
  7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
  
  6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
  
  5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
  
  4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
  
  3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
  
  2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
  
  and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...
  
  1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
  
  This list is copyrighted by Chris White

• A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the ball and laid it next to the flowerbed to avoid destroying the beautiful buttercups. A fairy comes down and says "thank you for not disturbing my buttercups. For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter"."Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were you last week when I hitthe ball into the pussywillows?"

• A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

• Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
  A: A huddle.
  
  Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
  A: The police.
  
  Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
  A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
  
  The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."
  
  The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
  
  The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
  
  The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
  
  Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
  A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
  
  

• It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

• It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
  
  How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
  
  The official just stared.
  
  The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
  
  The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
  
  The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
  
  

• Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.

• Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
  
  From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995 Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal." Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie! What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy! Tired of going to Disneyland.

• 
  Why did the football coach go to the bank?
  To get his quarter back.
  

• Q: How many Vikings does it take to win a Superbowl?

  
  A: No one knows, and we may never find out!

• The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
  
  Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
  
  A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

• You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number

• “Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
  “Yes sir, I understand.” “Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”
  

• There was a student that had a chance to learn the sport of skydiving. After having been instructed by his teacher he jumped out and forgot how to release his shoot. As he was falling rapidly towards earth, he suddenly saw a man shooting up towards him and as the man passed by, the student yelled! “Do you know how to operate a parachute?” The man passing by him answered NO! “But do you know anything about a gas heater?”

• Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough. Then repeat with the other breast.Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.

• Q:Why don't hockey players drink tea? A:Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.

• One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

• All the bases are 90 feet apart in regulation Baseball. So why does it take a Runner longer to run from 2nd to 3rd than it does from 1st to 2nd?Simple! Because between 2nd and 3rd there is a 'Short-Stop'!

• Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

• Larry took Barb, his girlfriend, to her first football game. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game. “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for twenty-five cents,” she asked.
  “What do you mean?”
  “Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”
  

• Did you hear about the politically correct country club?
  They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps.
  Instead they're "stroke challenged"

• What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer? The torturer would apologize first.

• Twenty teams in the league and you are in the last place?Well, it could have been worse.How?There could have been more teams in the league!

• A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
  
  Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
  
  The other guy yells back, "Heck No! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"

• Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying
  a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a extremely long leash. Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation,
  expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"
  
  "Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."

• I thought I told you to lose weight. Says the coach. What happened to your three week diet that I told you to keep?Well, I finished it in three days!

• As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don’t let anybody else say he’s the one who shot it. Otherwise, he’ll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."
  
  The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
  
  He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who’s shouting, "OK, lady, OK! You can have the godd*mn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

• Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

• What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!

• A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golferand she wins their little competition on the last hole.He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation... The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason."You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats."You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

• Q: Why does Dwayne Wade wear number 3?
  A: Because that's the amount of minutes he can stay on the court without getting hurt.

• What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?"Darling."

• Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

  Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.”

  Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

  Ringside Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing – but none of them really that serious.”

  Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

  Submitted by zanny.

• A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too. Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an Avalanche fan," she retorts. "Then," asks her teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Detroit Red Wings Fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Wings fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are Wings fans, so I'm a Wings fan too," she responds. The teacher is now angry. "That’s no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" "Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be an Avalanche fan."

• Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."

• A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes
  to the right and one drive goes to the left.
  The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.  She grabs a club and
  takes a mighty swing at the ball.  She hits a beautiful second shot, but
  in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
  Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf
  bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the
  way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand
  the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically
  ill to the point of total nausea."
  The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
  Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
  "It's over here in the pussy willows."
  The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

• A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, run!”This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!”Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, “He can’t run because he got four balls.”The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, “Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!”

• There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

• Q: Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
  A: Because there are lots of fans.

• There were 3 guys, 2 smart ones, and a dumb one. They were all going hunting. The first smart guy went out and came back with a huge grizzly bear. The dumb guy asked him "How did you get that huge Grizzly bear?" The smart guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave and shot the bear." Then the second smart guy went out and came back with a huge black bear. The dumb guy asked him, "How did you get that huge black bear?" The smart guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and shot the bear. So the smart guy went out and came back all bloody and cut up. The smart guys said, "What happened to you?" The dumb guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and got hit by a train."

• Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?"."Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!"."Thank God!" Joe shouts..."What is the bad news?!"."You're pitching tomorrow."

• Did you hear about the football coach that got married?
  
  He thought he was getting a tight end, but wound up with a wide receiver!

• Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
  
  Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
  
  One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
  
  "Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
  
  "Of course it me," Bob replied.
  
  "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
  
  "Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
  
  "Tell me the good news first."
  
  "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
  
  "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
  
  "You're pitching tomorrow night."
  
  

• A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yardsright down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler andthe ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry,but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight athim. It hit him in the temple and killed him.He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked atthe big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, isthat correct?""Yes, I am," he replied.St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied,"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

• There was a tragic end to the water polo championships – all the horses drowned.

• I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

• A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!"

• A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

• Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car
  
  "Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!"
  
  No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!
  
  No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.
  
  No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.
  
  No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.
  
  No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.
  
  No ashtrays and electric lighter...
  
  No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain?
  
  No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.
  
  No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass?
  
  No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.
  
  Only one brake light...
  
  Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in?
  
  No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?
  
  No trunk...
  
  No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)
  
  High fuel consumption...
  
  Engines that don't last...
  
  Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...
  
  Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.
  
  No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen.

• A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
  
  The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
  
  Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
  A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
  
  The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
  
  "Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
  
  "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
  
  "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
  
  Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
  
  Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
  "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
  
  The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
  
  British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
  
  

• One day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance; I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here". "Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."

• Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
  
  Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:
  
  The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
  
  The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
  
  The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
  
  The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
  
  If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
  
  After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
  
  After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
  
  In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
  
  No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
  
  

• What time does Andy Murray go to his bed? Ten-ish.

• A true story, according to the LA Times.....
  
  Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
  
  Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
  
  

• Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:
  
  16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
  
  15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
  
  14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
  
  13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
  
  12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
  
  11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
  
  10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
  
  9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
  
  8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
  
  7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
  
  6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
  
  5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
  
  4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
  
  3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
  
  2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
  
  1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

• Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
  
  A: Juan on Juan.

• A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."They all broke out into applause and cheered.When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he turned, there was a riot in progress.Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'peanuts'".

• Q: How many UNC fans does it take to change a tire? A: Four: three to tap the keg and one to call daddy.

• NASCAR would be a sport if half the cars were driving in the other direction.

• One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

• It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

• Q: Why is it so hot at Phillies games?A: Because there's not a fan in the place.

• Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their jobs. One guy says, ''I'm a YUPPIE...ya know...Young, Urban, Professional. The second guy says, ''I'm a DINK ...ya know...Double Income No Kids.'' They asked the woman, ''What are you?'' She replied... ''I'm a WIFE...ya know... WASH, IRON, FUCK, ETC.''

• A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of
  fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
  
  Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
  
  "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
  
  "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
  
  "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
  
  "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
  
  "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
  
  "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
  
  "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
  

• The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low. The Cubs have the same chip in there scoreboard.

• The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This court does not take annulments lightly." "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver."

• An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

  “Well,” said the Englishman, “I support the Liverpool football club, so I’ll eat the liver.”

  “I support the Hearts club,” said the Scotsman, “so I’ll eat the heart.”

  “I support Arsenal,” said the Irishman, “but I seem to have lost my appetite.”

  Submitted by cris.

• Two alpinists on a mountain:One of them falls in a crack, the other jumps at the hole and screams after the other one:Are you hurt?Noooooo! He hears.How come?I’m still fallinnnnnnn!