Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
Commercial:Do Seagulls Circle your house?Does your boyfriend sing " The shrimp boats are coming"?Do you make people vomit in the elevator?Try FDS!Feminnine hygene spray! two squirts will 'twinkle your twat'
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?""That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.""Was it when they cut off your balls?""That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.""What was the most painful part?""The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.
A young woman stops into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons
for herself. She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they
are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint; she
finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price.
The clerk replies, "Yes it is the correct price. For one week only, you
can purchase five boxes of tampons for one dollar, no strings attached."You know why there is a string on a tampon? So the crabs can bungee jump.
A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem."The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?"The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?"She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, ”You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!”’
Submitted by Harris.
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra forover-endowed women.It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
If the Earth turned 30 times faster, we would get salary every day, but women would bleed to death...
In the beginning of time, God created the world and then rested. Then he created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest!"
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
lie still!"I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.A very caring sentence written on the T-Shirt of a girl walking on the road."You are not looking at the road right now, please be careful."
A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
Q: How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? A: Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist? A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,"I would like to see a bikini that fits me."Clerk, "me too..."
Question: How many men does it take to open a beer?Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper.""What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.Then God created man and rested.Then God created woman.Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife.
She's as smart as bait.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it.If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in
Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few
gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know
you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so
worried about it!"How do you tell if a chick's too fat to f*ck? When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?A battery has a positive side.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
Q: How do you wake up Lady gaga?A: Poke her face.
Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.It's called a Wedding Cake.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why did God create women?A: He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?Yeah... now he has no ears.
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?""This is the maid," answered the woman."We don’t have a maid!""I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.""Well, this is her husband. Is she there?""Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?""What do I have to do?""I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with."The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?""Throw them in the swimming pool!""What pool?”""Uh.. is this 832-4173?"
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a
light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,
actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that
they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER
THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE
12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?Question: Why did God give men penises?Answer: So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.
Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor."All men here are short and handsome."The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor.They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "Woman without her man is nothing."The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
"Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you."
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
Question: Why do men die before their wives?Answer: Because they want to.
In the beginning, God created Earth and then rested. After that, He creaed man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man got ever rested.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
Q: Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?A: So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed."Breast fed," the woman replied."Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk.""I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
One day a boy asks his dad,
"What's the difference between a pussy and a c*nt?"
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."
He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she
was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that
brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and
furry it is?"
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the c*nt."Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
If a man crashes his car into a woman who's fault is it?Well what was the man doing driving in the kitchen...
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down...
phùù ..ùù.. ùùMen want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street.A tall lady answered the door.Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet."Madam, if I could not clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman."Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?""There's no electricity in the house…" said the lady.
You Know You're a Mother When ...
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
Your kid throws-up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything".
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
A man came home from the bar with an unknown woman. He woke up in the morning and yelled,"A crocodile, a crocodile!" The woman woke up and asked,"Where, where?"A man cried again, "O-o-oh, the crocodile is talking!"
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!" Fucking b*tch.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?1) None. Feminists can't change anything.2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.
Question: How do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?Answer: A widow.
Why is it called PMS? — Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.
A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?"He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"The operator replies, "I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Where the woman's neck ends the infinity begins.
What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Some people prefer their women young and tender; I prefer mine ten and younger.
A beautiful girl looks good in the background of her smart friend.
Like arguing with a forest fire.
A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend.
The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making
love ?"
She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I could. I
mean he has a cell phone and all now."A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one.""Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise."Poof! She's gone."Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."Poof! He's gone."You're next," the Genie says to the partner.The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained."She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
"Sorry sir, are these plastic flowers?""As natural!""What? They are natural?""No, plastic!""But, for Christ Sake, sir! Are they natural or plastic?""Natural plastic!"
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.'The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'.Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.Her husband responds, ''But they are twins.If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the
middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty
restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex
and pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but
instead of giving him head, go and pee.A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."The man replied, "I agree with you completely.""This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car iscompletely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"God says: "So you would love her.""But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"God says: "So she would love you."
There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Submitted by Dane.
She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model f**ks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
How can you tell she's a macho women?She rolls her own tampons.
A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a
naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much
appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.
"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angeltells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As areward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to theThrone Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:l. There's too much front end protrusion2. It chatters at high speeds3. The rear end wobbles too much, and4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust.""Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the CelestialSupercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It maybe that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "butaccording to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: “Lazy.”
You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!
Miss Anders... I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.
Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck
inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to
perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace
the batteries?"If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Josh: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning?John: A visitor.
It is common for draftsmen to sprinkle SCUMEX (powdered rubber
eraser) on tracings prior to doing any drawing on it. This reduces
smearing of the pencil marks and such and results in a cleaner
tracing.
At a former employers we had replaced the Scumex at one draftsmans
desk with dried parmesian cheese. It looked about the same. It was
extremely interesting watching him draw for a while and then begin
to smell the paper. Took the poor dude almost 10 minutes to guess
that he had been gigged!Why do men die before their wives?They want to.
This black woman was vastly overweight, and I mean MASSIVE and she went to see the doctor about her weight. She said to him, "Have you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose weight?" The doctor replies, "Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your head from left too right, simple eh?!" She says, "WOW that's amazing, um... when do I do it?" The doctor says, "Next time your ordered food."
A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine.
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"The girl says, "I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you."The guy says, "I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?Nothing you haven't told her twice!
We need REALLY MEANS I want
You want REALLY MEANS You need
It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed
This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
Yes REALLY MEANS No
No REALLY MEANS No
Maybe REALLY MEANS No
I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
S.I.N.G.L.E...sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!
The girl says to the guy; "Honest to God, tell me what you think... Can anyone love me?""Yeah, for sure...""And then... What are you waiting for...?"
What is the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies?
Clitty litter.Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in.
Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out?Answer: He died laughing.
Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."Nothing beats a beautiful woman who can sing... except Chris Brown.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in."The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty stupid, but says his wife is more stupid. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!"The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.However, he still thinks his wife is dumber."Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a dick!"
My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
When the milkman found a note on one of his customer'sdoors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart,he rang the bell."Sorry to bother you, ma'am," he said, "but are you sureyou want sixteen gallons of milk today?""Oh, yes," said the lady of the house. "I'm going to takea milk bath.""Do you want it pasteurized?""No, just up to my tits would be fine."
This guy comes back from the toilet, when a women says to him, "Hey, you have left your GARAGE door open"!"As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?"The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires."
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that
you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying
that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that
you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear
those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard
that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his d*ck!" "Oh NO! I only
said that it feels like he has a wart on his d*ck!"Trying to understand women is like trying to smell color 9.
What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?Potpourri.
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.
Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few
gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know
you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so
worried about it!"The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badlyscrewed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lampwashing up onshore.She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As aconsolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, hecautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give herex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makesher first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grantsher wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollarbills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of10 billion dollars.The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. Thesecond wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own privatebeach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain thather ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beachto a small development of ten such mansions.Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the geniethat she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, thegenie again warns her that her ex-husband will get tentimes what she wishes for.No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish..."Id like to give birth to twins".
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you would offend the person standing near you?...NOT. Well, if you are, then here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.
I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.
She is not: An airhead
She is: Reality Impaired
She is not: A Bleached Blond
She is: Peroxide Dependant
She is not: A babe or chick
She is: A Breasted American
She does not have: Major league hooters
She is: Pectorally Superior
She does not have: A Great Tan
She is: Pigmentally Enhanced
You do not want to: Score or pick her up
You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter
She is not: A perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior
She does not have: A great butt
She has: A Superior Posterior
If she does not want to get: Married or hitched
She does not want: Domestic Incarceration
She is not: Half naked
She is: Wardrobe Impaired
She does not have: A perfect body
She is: Anatomically Gifted
She is not: Drunk or tipsy
She is: Chemically Inconvenienced
She is not: Small or short
She is: Vertically ChallengedGirl: why am I still single? Brain: you're weird as shit. Body: and you're fat. Face: plus you're pretty ugly. Food: Don't worry babe, I'm here for you.
Why Airplanes are better than Women ? Airplanes usually kill you quickly ...a woman takes her time.Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.... Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".... Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.... Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.... Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.... Airplanes can be flown any time of the month....Airplanes don't come with in-laws.... Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.... Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.... Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.... Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.... Airplanes expect to be tied down.... Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.... Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.... However...when airplanes go quiet...just like women...it's usually not good.If you miscalculate and make a mistake with an airplane, you don't have a bunch of "little airplanes" flying around out of control! When your airplane is sitting there looking at you face to face whining @ 15,000 r's, you want to hear more! With an airplane, your frequency is continuous, and not just once or twice a year! The shape of an airplanes empanage stays constant over the years! Airplanes don't stop for yard and garage sales or tupperware parties! If an airplane gets in the way, you just put it out in the garage, and that is that! It is interesting watching an airplane stall! If a woman ground loops, it is usually more than just a broken prop!
Why did God create black men? So fat white girls could dance (and get laid).
Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
Age FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a manThe modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.
Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.
After a while the conversation started turning a little
rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and
they were arguing about how wide their snatches were.
(This happens all the time.)
The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,
grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home.
All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and
hollering, throwing money.
Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her
leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in.
People were going ballistic.
Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar
and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the
jukebox starts playing.Q: Why did God invent yeast infection?A: So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying c*nt.
Q: Why do women pierce their bellybutton?A: Place to hang their air freshener.
"Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John
"Yes, I will." Paula replied.
"Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked.
"Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you."
she answered with a wink.
"How about a blowjob for $20?" responded John.
"Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly.
"That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the
price!"Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together.One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
The seven kinds of passionate women
1.The Optimist
- "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2.The Pessimist
- "No! No! No!"
3.The Confused
- "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4.The Asthmatic
- written rendition of gasping
5.The Sprinter
- "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6.The Religious
- "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
7.The Mathematician
- "More! More! More! More!Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
Age WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66Why do women love Hunters the best as lovers?1. Hunters have the longest and most powerful rifles.2. Hunters always....shoot twice.3. Hunters love to...eat what they shoot!
"Why don't you trust me?", she texted both the guys simultaneously.
Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age."Husband: "Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"
What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
There's a reason it's called "girls gone wild" and not "women gone wild". When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
When Adam asked Eve out for dinner she replied: "Oh I'd love to, but I haven't a thing to wear."
You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
Bicycles don't have parents.
Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can share your Bicycle with your friends.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
Bicycles don't get headaches.
Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
Bicycles don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.
ELEMENT: WOMANSYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS:Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.OCCURRENCE:Copious quantities in all urban areas.Physical Properties:1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.3. Melts if given special treatment.4. Bitter if incorrectly used.5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.Chemical Properties:1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental.2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent. Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can bemaintained at different locations as long as specimens don't comeinto contact with each other.
A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones doesn't like her.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"12. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."16. My mother taught me about ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.21. My mother taught me about SHARING.
" I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!"22. My mother taught me about FEAR.
"One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you."Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty yearold daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from SanFrancisco to Washington. "For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked youand raped you!" "I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm himdown. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going toWashington, because thats where they have the best treatment forsexually transmitted diseases."
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written
on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brakeA woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away.
Age EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wigWhat is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Did you hear about Tempura House?
It is a shelter for lightly battered wom en. !!!If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:1. Bleed for a week and not die.2. Give milk without eating grass3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!
What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.
A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the
middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty
restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex
and pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but
instead of giving him head, go and pee.An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Question: How is a woman like a laxative?Answer: They both irritate the shit out of you.
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.The one guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.”The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.”They then asked the woman, “What are you?”She replied: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
Q: Why is life like a penis? A: Women make it hard!
"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the
men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair
isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's
fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly
and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And
they've only been banged once."This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.3. Don't make us guess.4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.8. Dogs are better than cats.9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.12. You have enough clothes.13. You have too many shoes.14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.15. Your brother is an idiot.16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.18. Share the bathroom19. Share the closet.20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.24. Check your oil.25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.28. Yes, p*ssing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.
2 girls meet:- me & my husband are no longer together...- why?- well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?- no, of course I couldn't!- well he couldn't either!
Age FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a manQ: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
Q: Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?A: She wanted to mount the horse her way.
I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.
Why do they put strings on tam pons?
So you can floss after you eat!Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!" How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she? Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep! Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake! Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl.
BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz glass skim milk
LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread
1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 entire cheesecake
DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar,
they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count
if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.
These include any chocolate used for energy,
brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage
causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the
calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because
they are part of the entertainment, and not ones
of personal fuel.Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain
to follow. Some possibilities:
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.
America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.
Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.
My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who
don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.
Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,
which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too
young and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!)
arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?Answer: Lipstick.
Q: How do you blind a woman? A: You put a windshield in front of her.
What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?Kick her where the sun don't shine.
Why is a woman different from a PC?A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy.
When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends."
A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?" Son, "Well, before?" Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son." Son, "well what about after?" Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks."I'm going down to give blood.""How much do you get paid for giving blood?""About $20.""Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."The woman angrily gets off the elevator.The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again."Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?""Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house. His mother had Puritan principals.The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice."Mom, can I escort Helen?"The girl, waiting to hear a cold hearted "no", she surprised hears: "Sure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!"
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?""Yes", the boy's mother answered."And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked."Who cares?" the mother replied.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
Dear Lord...So far today, I am doing all right.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.
I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.
I have not charged on my credit card.However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.Amen.Approach a woman in a bar and whisper "Hey, wanna get out of here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A beautiful woman delights a man's eye, an ugly – woman's eye.
I've got a new anorexic girlfriend. Its not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her ...
Why do women pierce their bellybutton? Place to hang their air freshener.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front
of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that
the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the
fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and
makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized,
and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?"
she asks.
She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.
In a recent scientific research project, it was proved
that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen.
That's why after a six pack you can't drive.Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift."Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.""Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back."The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.""That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that."Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office."Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks."Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.""What’s wrong?" asks the doctor."Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers."Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Men and women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.Q: Why do women wear black underwear?A: They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Age WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.""Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."The woman obliged and removed her clothing."Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Lady: Is this my train?Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Why do women prefer old gynecologists? Their shaky hands!
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than
it does today ??
We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has.
If a woman has fallen – an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf. Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars." "That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her – follows you behind.
Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet. What are they thinking? The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet. He doesn’t want to talk. May be he’s get tired of me.He doesn’t love me anymore. He’s probably got someone else. I see. We’ll have to separate each other."The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling. Wow! How keep it there and don’t fall?"
Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot.She says, "This one reminds me of my husband."The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?""No that dirty."
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?A women who won't do what she's told.
How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.
Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ...""Oh no' Edna replies, that's where I put him to dry !"
Age HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
Muffy the CatWhy do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? They don't have balls to scratch!
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you. HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a check book.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing. HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interestingWhy do they put strings on tam pons?
So you can floss after you eat!A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over.She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.The Bartender replies, "Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?"By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny bartender is gently sucking on them.She says, "You sure he isn’t here?"The bartender mumbles through her fingers, "Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?"The woman then says, "Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!"
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut!That’s so cute!Woman 2: Do you think so?I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror.I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect.I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable.And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think.I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny!I would love to have your neck!Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.Woman 2: Are you kidding?I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.Everything drapes so well on you.I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are?If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.Man 1: Haircut?Man 2: Yeah.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Q: Why did this woman cross the road? A: Because I was not fast enough to hit her.
Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.This wife has been married for seven years and has six kidsand is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to herpriest, the priest tells her to go and by a ten gallon bucketand stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks him and goesoff to do as he says.Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough sheis pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed hisinstructions, she said yes but that she could not find a tengallon bucket so she bought two five gallon buckets.
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20
doesn't?
A belly-button!One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can’t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can’t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you’re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!
Question: What do women and Slinkies have in common?Answer: Not really too much, but you can’t help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.
A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
Why did the woman cross the road?That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn’t be ignored."Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I’m frightfully sorry about that.""It’s quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
She holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy.
Six, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts.
What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers."
What is a sorority girls favorite position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
Lake Placid.
How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
Sorority girls cost less per score.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.
What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
"Have another beer."
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more attractive?
Her ankles.
Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
To keep her ankles warm.
What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.
What is a sorority girls mating call?
"I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everybody gets a turn.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an lawyer?
Don't know. There's only so much an lawyer can be forced to do.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a Twinkie on the bed.
What do you call 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.Miracle Bra Alternative A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:1 bar of soap1 toothbrush1 tube of toothpaste1 loaf of bread1 pint of milk1 single serving of cereal1 single serving frozen dinner1 can of Soup For One1 16oz can of Miller LiteThe guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"He replies, “Because you’re ugly.”
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
I unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter... I'm sure she's gonna write a song about it.
Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.The angel said "Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?""Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are."
Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. The doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. The woman replied, snorting pepper.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra forover-endowed women.It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.
Answering Machine Recording:
"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1
now.......Now press the other one."WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note!!!
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"Titicons (.)(.) tiny tits (o) (o) regular tits ( O )( O ) big tits ( @ ) ( @ ) big harry tits ( ' ) ( ' ) perky tits {.} {.} shriveled tits ( , ) ( , ) drippy tits [ _ ] [ _ ] android tits ( # ) ( # ) Tysoned tits
Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.
Age FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shoppingA man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.
Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them."No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up."Don’t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demande d to speak to God."What happened?" she cried."For cryin’ out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.If God is a woman then we're all going to go to Hell, but we'll never know why.
Q: Why haven't they sent any women to the moon? A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
why do women have legs?
have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!?? Mess!!!This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly.""Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks "What's that?" Her sister replies "That is my possum, sis!" The young girl replies "Oh, OK" The next day she sees her mother get out of the shower and a pointing at her pussy again asks "What's that?" Her mother replies "That's my possum!" The young girl again replies "Oh, OK" The next day she sees her grandmother getting out of the shower and once again pointing at her pussy asks "What's that?" The grandmother replies "That's my possum!" The young girl replies "Oh, grandmother, is your possum dead?" The grandmother, looking a little dazzled replies "No, deary, why do you ask?" The young girl replies "Oh, its just that your possums tongue is sticking out!"
A girl never comments on another unless she's jealous.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?Because they don't have balls to scratch.
"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. "I
think I'm turning into a man" then the doctor says, " Now hold on
little lady what makes you think that you're turning into a man?" "
Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest" and then
the doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hair
growing? " and then she replied, "All the way down to my dick".Companies are working on a camera which has such a fast shutter speed that it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut. Advance Booking open!
Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be a quarter apiece and we can eat the other one.
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note!!!
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like tochange?"She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"God snapped his fingers and it was done.She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"And God created man.
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”
Submitted by Tevin.
Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
This wife has been married for seven years and has six kidsand is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to herpriest, the priest tells her to go and by a ten gallon bucketand stick her feet in it of a night, she thanks him and goesoff to do as he says.Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough sheis pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed hisinstructions, she said yes but that she could not find a tengallon bucket so she bought two five gallon buckets.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me..."
Is Lady Gaga wonder woman because we all wonder if she's a woman?
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy.""Oh yeah? Who was the guy?""Tiger Woods, the golfer.""Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife."I'm hungry. I'm calling room service.""Tiger wouldn't do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone."What are you doing now?" she asks."I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food.""Tiger wouldn't do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?""No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
The doctor said to the housewife,"I've got good news and I've got bad news.The good news is you don't have PMS.The bad news is - you're a bitch!"
Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.
Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty yearold daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from SanFrancisco to Washington. "For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked youand raped you!" "I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm himdown. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going toWashington, because thats where they have the best treatment forsexually transmitted diseases."
Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.
Question: Why do women have smaller feet than men?Answer: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why was the name "P.M.S." chosen ?Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken...
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Boy calls 911.Boy: Hello? I need your help!911: Alright, What is it?Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!911: So what's your emergency?Boy: The ugly one is winning.
What's six inches long that women love? Folding money.
I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Why did God create man before woman?He didn't want any advice!
I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."
A young girl goes to the gynaecologist and he examines her.
He says,"You have acute vaginitis."
She says "Thank you."Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy.
Makeup tip: You're not in the circus.
Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:1. Bleed for a week and not die.2. Give milk without eating grass3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.
The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.
A girl has to get in bed before 8 p.m. so she can come home at 11.
Q: What do you call a women who does as much work as a man?A: A lazy b*tch.
Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.
How do we not know what women want yet? There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.
Q: What do women and cats have in common?A: Pussy farts.
Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain. She asks the doctor what he has on sale."Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."Surprised she asks why the price difference?"Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!"
These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".
Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my
personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour
hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying
to
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
u
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
___________Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million?Woman: Why Winston, yes I would.Churchill: What about £10?Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am?Churchill: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.
For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”. Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entirePig, just to get a little sausage…
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Question: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?Answer: Pregnant.
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.
Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A woman about sex has to know ‘why?' and a man ‘where?'
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!"
MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"
BATMAN'S MOTHER:
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!"
GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!"
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER:
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!"
And finally...
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"As someone died, Saint. Peter gave him a tour to the new place. While wandering he sees an old familiar guy who was accompanied by a very ugly woman. He asks Saint Peter: "But how does the man walks around with a woman like that when he spent his life with the most beautiful women?""Oh my child, he killed a pigeon when he was alive and now he is being punished."They walk further down, and meets another friend with a frighteningly ugly women."Holy God but he was circulated only by models when he was alive, how come he withstands this now?""O my child that man killed two pigeons when he was alive."They continued wandering and suddenly he sees someone who was so ugly and stupid and never had any woman when he lived. But he was accompanied by THE WOMAN! Extra tall and hotty. The man lost his mind."Holy God, but such an ugly face with such a gorgeous woman?""Yes my son, but this hotty burned the whole pigeon house, when she was alive!"
How are airplanes and women alike? They both have cockpits.
Girls are like an internet virus:they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile...
Why don't witches wear panties? They get a better grip on their brooms!
How fast can a women drive? 68 mph.If she hits 69, she flips over and blows a rod.
How do you know that Santa is a man? No woman wears the same attire every year.
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He
sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for
the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled,
then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen,
and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?""No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None, it better be open when she brings it to you.
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
I pray for:Wisdom, To understand a man.Love, To forgive him and;Patience, For his moods.Because if I pray for StrengthI'll just beat him to death.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?Boobies.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.
A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."To weigh 50 kilos and say that you're fat, that is so female…
Titicons (.)(.) tiny tits (o) (o) regular tits ( O )( O ) big tits ( @ ) ( @ ) big harry tits ( ' ) ( ' ) perky tits {.} {.} shriveled tits ( , ) ( , ) drippy tits [ _ ] [ _ ] android tits ( # ) ( # ) Tysoned tits
Why are women like parking spaces? Because all the best ones are taken... and the rest are handicapped.
Big girls don't cry...They eat.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
A Woman asks a Waiter What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?The waiter says, "SHIVERING MADAM".
Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.
Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.
Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress? She was charged with rustling!
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
One day a boy asks his dad,
"What's the difference between a pussy and a c*nt?"
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."
He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she
was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that
brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and
furry it is?"
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the c*nt."First woman in space:"Houston, we have a problem."What?"Never mind."What's the problem?"Nothing."Please tell us."I'm fine."
Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives.Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M."Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that.""Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
Question: How do you fix a woman’s watch?Answer: You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.
If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch.
Q:Why did the woman cross the road?A I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?
Question: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?Answer: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.
She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
why do women have legs?
have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!?? Mess!!!Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman
on board.
The headquarters in the US calls:
"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2
report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to add
Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to
add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection,
the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please
report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is
about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feed
the monkeys, and don't touch a d*mn thing."Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
(NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
This mothers day, Men all around were criticized for not calling their mothers on such an important day. But me, I thought of the best way to get out of such a mess.Heres how the beginning of the Monday after Mothers Day went for me:Mother: "You know Mike, I was thinking and out of all my sons, you never called me on Mothers Day!"Me: "You know Mom, I was thinking, and out of all my mothers, you never called me on SON-day!" Something like this is bound to make her smile and forget, worked with my Mom!
In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years. 24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies. AND that girl stole his bacon.
What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
Question: What’s the ideal breakfast setting?Answer: You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.
Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"Woman: "No."Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
What do women and condoms have in common?If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls" I told my husband that I would be home by midnight...."I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way to easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution especially since I was smashed, in order to avoid a conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh crap!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."You're so fake, Barbie is jealous.
Question: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your penis?Answer: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.""I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks."Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?""A little more...""Like this?""No. A little more...""Like this?""Yes. Does that hurt?""A little bit.""Now stretch it over your head!"
A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just come out of the shower. The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks "What's that?" Her sister replies "That is my possum, sis!" The young girl replies "Oh, OK" The next day she sees her mother get out of the shower and a pointing at her pussy again asks "What's that?" Her mother replies "That's my possum!" The young girl again replies "Oh, OK" The next day she sees her grandmother getting out of the shower and once again pointing at her pussy asks "What's that?" The grandmother replies "That's my possum!" The young girl replies "Oh, grandmother, is your possum dead?" The grandmother, looking a little dazzled replies "No, deary, why do you ask?" The young girl replies "Oh, its just that your possums tongue is sticking out!"
If she says, "I'm OK," you're fine. If she says, "I'm Fine," You're not OK.
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? "Cause you're fatter than they are."
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter”s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”“It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and you”ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!”
Question: Why did the Army send do many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?Answer: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
How many men does it take to please a woman.Impossible. Once a woman's done bitching about the men they're all asleep.
I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.She looked surprised.
Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.
I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper.""What? Are you crazy?The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this
way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the
batteries."When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.
How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
How are women and linoleum floors alike?You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You’re certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. The woman replied, snorting pepper.
To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?A whine and cheese party.
Never trust a man that says, "Trust me." and never trust a woman that says "It's fine."
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserThe qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation
turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says
"We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm
method."
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer
method."
"What the hell is the bucket and saucer method?", the others
ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and
when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from
under him.Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.
How do you fix a woman's watch? Why should you? There's a clock on the oven.
Snooki is so short and orange that she works part time as a traffic cone.
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old
woman and a single 40-year-old man?A: The 40-year-old woman thinks
often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.Q: What is height of Honesty?A: A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we've made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn’t respond.After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"I told her to get another one from the cupboard.She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.
He: So then, what's your sign?She: Dollar.
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Womem"?Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
Women are Angels.And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...On a broomstick.We're flexible like that.
I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.
The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like tochange?"She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"God snapped his fingers and it was done.She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,"What am I going to do with this useless boob?"And God created man.
What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...
Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...A woman is driving for 1st time on the highway.Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"
How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
In ter net
Te le phone
Te la woman!Women who seek to be equal to men...LACK AMBITION!
At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked, "Will you dance with me, please?"The arrogant girl says, "I don’t dance with a kid."The taken back boy apologized, "I am sorry, I did not realize you were pregnant."
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED:G: Nobody gets the girl.PG: The good guy gets the girl.R: The bad guy gets the girl.X: Everybody gets the girl!
A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing
then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed
into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she
collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a
stitch of clothing on.
Horrified, she let out a shriek.
Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. "Don't let it bother you,
miss," he moaned. "I'll never live to tell anyone."Q: Why can't women read maps?A: Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.A woman went to doctors office.She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.He had her sit down and relax in another room.
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
Women are like telephones.They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Q:What's the definition of mixed emotions?A:When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Question: Why do men fart more than women?Answer: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
The best curve on a girl is her smile... Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass.
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!"The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 80? Four girlfriends drinking on St Patricks Day!
The boy asks his dad:
"What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?"
The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around a
crotch and says: "Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy',
everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'"The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls" I told my husband that I would be home by midnight...."I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way to easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution especially since I was smashed, in order to avoid a conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh crap!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off.""Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."
Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."Girl:want to have a good time Guy:sure Girl:for you its free
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."
My sister was with two men in one night.She could hardly walk after that.Can you imagine?Two dinners!
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal
check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.
Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch,
pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...
"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.
"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting
her stomach affectionately.
Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a
bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..
"What was that?", the other two enquire
"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and
she pats her stomach affectionately.
All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...
5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a
bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..
"What was that?" ask the other two..
"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..."A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be
bothered by her husband that night.
She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"a successful man is aggressive, a successful woman is pushy, he's good on details ,she's picky, he loses his temper because he's so involved with his job , she's bitchy, when he's depressed (or hangover) everyone tiptoes past his office, she's moody so it must be her "Time of the month", he follows through, she doesn't know when to quit he stands firm she's hard he drinks because of the excessive job pressure, she's a lush, he isn't afraid to say what he thinks, she's mouthy, he exercises authority diligently, she's power-crazy, he's close-mouthed , she's secretive, he climbed the ladder of success, she slept her way to the top, he's a stern taskmaster, she's hard to work for
It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.
What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
A women's work that is never done is the stuff that she asked her husband to do.
Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.
Q: Why do women have periods? A: Because they deserve them.
All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
I pray for:Wisdom, To understand a man.Love, To forgive him and;Patience, For his moods.Because if I pray for StrengthI'll just beat him to death.
Q: Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
Men and women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours.
A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him.
Q: Why are hangovers better than women?A: Hangovers will go away.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ...so I said "Implants?"
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
Lady goes to her doc."Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm farting and farting. The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type.The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."
Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. "I
think I'm turning into a man" then the doctor says, " Now hold on
little lady what makes you think that you're turning into a man?" "
Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest" and then
the doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hair
growing? " and then she replied, "All the way down to my dick".Q: Why do women have tiny feet?A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
Question: What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?Answer: Money.
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That’s a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the
house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local
hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
there.
Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she
was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as
if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of
purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind
him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and
said "May I have one of those ?"
The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of
those bastards ?"
Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of
those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ...20 years old and mixed up with coke !
Age DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?" Son, "Well, before?" Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son." Son, "well what about after?" Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Q: How are women and a hurricane alike?A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car.
Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?It comes with a 16 inch applicator
There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Being an ugly girl is like being a man......you have to work
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
If a woman gave in very fast it's not because of the man but the men that came before him.
A Lady calls the airline office in New York and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Hawaii?" The clerk says to her, "Just a second." The woman says "Thank you", and hangs up.
Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
The only reason I've been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Element: WOMAN Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less) Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element: MAN Symbol: XY Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*! Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women.Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone.But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
Q: What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?A: A whopper with cheese.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.One night she said she was ready to solo.The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end…"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
Q: Why do some women look at blank paper?A: They like to read their rights.
Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.
Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says:
"The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
1. All you'll ever need.
2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorifyviolence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs!
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What's a bra ?
3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define "male."
1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence."
2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?
1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were "1":
This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were "2":
Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
* If 8 or more of your answers were "3":
Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.
The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, "I'm fine" than when you are flying on an airplane.
Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?Answer: A woman that doesn’t do what she’s told.
There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.She said, "I had sex with a guy."The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.She said, "I got in a fight with another nun."So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water.So she did.The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”The doctor replied, “Show me.”So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
A girl goes to a library.Girl: I want the book, "Women- The most perfect and intelligent."....Librarian: Comic section is at the backside.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper.""What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ?A fifty pound note !
A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.Business or pleasure, he asks?Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer!Why?Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!My condolences, says the officer!It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a will for me!
Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?A women who won't do what she's told.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
I may not be the best-looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"
Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.
GOD said, ?Adam, I want you to do something for me.??Gladly, Lord,? replied Adam.?What do you want me to do???Go down into the valley.??What?s a valley?? asked Adam.God explained to him, then said, Cross the river.??What?s a river??God explained it to him, and then continued, ?Go over the hill??.?What?s a hill??God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said, ?On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.??What?s a cave??After God explained, he said, ?In the cave you will find a woman.?Adam asked, ?What?s a woman??So God explained that to him too. He continued, ?I want you to reproduce.??How do I do that???Jeez,? God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam. Heliked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into thecave where he found a woman.?A little while later, Adam returned and asked God, ?What?s a headache??
Why are marriend women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
"Oh, my love! My darling! If you give me one more kiss, I’ll be forever yours!""Sh*t... thanks for the warning."
*Girl is crying*Dad: Why you crying?Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!Dad: (Grabs shot gun) I'll be back.. A while later dad comes backGirl: What the hell! why did you go kill him!Dad: I didn'tGirl: Where did you go?Dad: To get you icecream :DGirl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun?!Dad: So I could get it for free!
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Salary is like a period – you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.
If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new
Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise
this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to
best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.
PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away
PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance
between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN
written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and
press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and
place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder
and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres
26. Release hand brakeA woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.
A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.
Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.
Age DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.""I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks."Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?""A little more...""Like this?""No. A little more...""Like this?""Yes. Does that hurt?""A little bit.""Now stretch it over your head!"
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
You are so tall in my eyes that they can't rise higher than your waist.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.
Why did the woman cross the road?That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.
I’m leaving you... You’re constantly sneering at my overweight...But honey, what about our kid?What kid?So you are not you pregnant?!
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
A woman is like a parachute – can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one.
Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.Then God created man and rested.Then God created woman.Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.
Q: Why don't women wear watches?A: There's a clock on the stove!
"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."
There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the world and find out something new about it.After about 3 hours she go back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned.The woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table.She then picks up the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't move.The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what she has learned about the world.The woman replies, "When I pull all the legs off a spider it can't hear me!"
A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet. She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police. So he went to piss but on the flush chain there was a bra so he ripped it off. Then when he was walking down the stairs he saw her cat called Boobs on the step & he hates cats so he squezed it & then threw it up the stairs. He then went in the kitchen where the women was & the women said why did you throw my cat up the stairs? He said I don`t know. While she went to get it, on the table was a glass of milk which he then drank. When the women came back she said you had your 3 chances now I'm calling the Police. When the police came they asked her what the man had done. She said this man has ripped her bra off, squezed her Boobs and drank her milk.
Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?",he asked the first girl."Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the golden key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl."Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.""Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... my room key."
Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time?"Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time.""I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system... Simple Duties
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings.......+5
But return with beer...............................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night...........................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
It's her father...................................................-10 Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...........-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..........-5 Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical............-5
Something she can't use...................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane..............-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.............-40 Driving
You lost the directions on a trip..............-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost..............-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25
You know them.........-60 The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?".................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............-10
You reply, "Where?"...........-35 Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV........+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.............-20Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party..........0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........-2
Named Tiffany....................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...................-6
Tiffany has implants...................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly...........+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"......-6
That woman is her sister....................-90
You have one drink, and that's it................0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle.........-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....-18Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together.....................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car....................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar...................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk .............+3
Most of it chips and beer ..............-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den............+15
Or refinishing the floors......................+16
Or rewiring the basement....................+17
Or adding a second floor................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.......-6
And you're tickled pink about it.....................-15
You visit her parents.....................0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ..............+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ........-3
And the television is off........................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear...........-6
And you didn't even go to college..............-10
And it's not your underwear....................-15Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner....................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...............+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.........................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player.........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing.............................+4
If you stink.............................+2
If you're not half bad........................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...........-2
You give her a gift........................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance.............-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ...........+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........-10
With her credit card...............-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big..........-40Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely.......................-20
You forget your anniversary.....................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.............-60A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ...........................-5
And the pal is happily married ...................-4
Or frighteningly single ....................-7
And he drives a Mustang....................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...............-15
You have a few beers.................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call....................-20
You get home at 3 am....................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...........-40
And not wearing any pants......................-50
Is that a tattoo??.................-200Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.................+10
You wait up.......................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..........+20A Night At Home
You watch TV together.................0
You rent a movie...............+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout.............+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.......................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.............-2A Night Out
You take her to a movie........................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...................+6
You take her to a movie you like.................-2
It's called DeathCop 3.......................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........+30
And she contracts Lyme disease....................................-25You're the reason why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."
The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.
Please circle your answers to each below:
1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says:
"The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
1. All you'll ever need.
2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
3. The signal to open Fire.
3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorifyviolence.
2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
3. A training film.
4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.
5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs!
3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
2. What's a bra ?
3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
8. Define "male."
1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only one letter short of "male violence."
2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?
1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.
10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the first place.
3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?
Grading the Exam
* If 8 or more of your answers were "1":
This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were "2":
Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
* If 8 or more of your answers were "3":
Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in "Bride of Rambo".Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.
What’s the difference between a straight woman and a bisexual woman? 4 drinks.
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
On a crowded bus, an old lady noticed that a man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" she asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me... "
Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer. After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies. "And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved. That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child. "Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?""Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same"
Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
Why did God create gay men? So fat girls could dance.
My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her anymore so I switched her digital scale from Lbs to Kg.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Question: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?Answer: Divorced.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and *poof!* she’s gone.The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *poof!* she’s gone.The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says."Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.St. Peter shakes his head and says "I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell."The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!'"
Q: Why do women have arms?A: Have you any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said “What?”
Submitted by Taylor.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulbWhat do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you’re bad luck.”
Q: Why do horny women order at Subway?A: Footlongs.
Why do women have vaginas? So men will talk to them.
He: So then, what's your sign? She: Dollar.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
An angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it will take her a week to pack for vacation? Women...
Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?Divorced.
Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?Answer: After five years, your job still sucks.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?11 - 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it...
A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said,"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The badnews is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The goodnews is our hospital has just been certified to do braintransplants and there has been an accident right out frontand a young couple was killed and you can have whicheverbrain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and thewoman's brain costs "30,000.00." The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a largedifference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.
Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this
gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next
to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back
to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn
into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"Why do women close their eyes during sex?They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?""Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00."
The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. ...Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.
30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job?Answer: Ten minutes of silence.
How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Women Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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