"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?""Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked."Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first.""Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.""That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news.""The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A prominent young attorney died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven. When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honor. St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honor to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1028 years.""What are you talking about?" asked the attorney. "I'm 46.""46? But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn""Yes," the attorney answered."Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh, how silly of us. Now I see the mistake! We accidentally calcluated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!"
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God�s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:
*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like
IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show
that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for
anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to
explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO
THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO
USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
BEING HERE!!!!!!!
*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and
point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of
their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"
do it again. Continue until they go away.
*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it
won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression
program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail
responses like "Thanks."
*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them
names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.
Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take
bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that
he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway
Internet.
*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an
unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a
discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation
that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important
role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as
people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to
ignore you.A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”
St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”
Submitted by rajat.
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.“Satan!” beckoned God. “You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!”“Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil.“I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God.“Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Insufficient sand.
Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’Lawyer: ‘Absolutely.What’s the other question?’
A juvenile court was prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary. The judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
"Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor."
"Linda Jones, probation officer."
"Sam Clark, public defender."
"John," said the teen who was on trial. "I’m the one who stole the truck."What do you call ten lawyers buried up to their necks in the sand? Football practice.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.A mother and a daughter are visiting a deceased family member in a graveyard. On the way out the daughter asks why they bury two people in one grave. The mother asks her daughter why she says that and the daughter replies, "Well, that gravestone says 'Here lays a lawyer and an honest man.'"
What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A beautiful woman enters a bar and sits next to a lawyer."Listen honey," she says, "For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want."The lawyer looks around, pulls fifty dollars from his wallet and says, "Paint my house."
A young lawyer says to ones of his colleagues:-A lawyer is the freest creature in the world. He’s not dependent of nothing except of his clients, his colleagues, judge and of the High Court...!
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you''re dead.30 degrees...It was so cold out today that even the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.
A woman & her best friend are shopping for a wedding gown. Surprised at her choice, the friend exclaims, "you can't be serious, how can you wear white?" The woman asks why not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding and you're not a virgin!" "Oh, but I am" replied the woman. "How can that be? "My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My 2nd husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My 3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up. But don't worry. This time I'm marrying a lawyer & I know I'll get screwed!"
A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?""Sure do," said the bartender."Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
How come sharks don’t attack lawyers?From professional courtesy.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.""How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town."What did he say?" asked the Ranger.The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked."Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer."What do you do?"The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?His lips are moving.Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!" If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?That might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera."Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way.""It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing - how do you start a flood?"
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Submitted by vicky.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"The first lawyer replies, "it's the $100 I owe you."
Not all the warrants, can be called milky cows, says a lawyer to a colleague of his, some of them are like the mice in the church.Got for as lawyers that we know how to milk the mice...
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country. Then I woke up.
A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"The old lady replied, "I make bets."The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.""Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?""Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?""Sure!" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them."Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?""Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”
Submitted by vicky.
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I�m beginning to think I didn�t."Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking the State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Center when a 50 year old man taking the test suffered a heart attack. Only two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan, stopped to help the man. They administered CPR until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam.
Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the two additional time to make up for the 40 minutes they spent helping the victim. Jerome Braun, the State Bar's senior executive for admissions, backed the decision stating, "If these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson about priorities."A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.You know it's cold when you see a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets!
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.How is an earnest lawyer called?An oxymoron.
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.
Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?They grow taller!
A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00." The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!" The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".
An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”
An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
" Well today I found out I don't have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."
Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."A man walked into a lawyer's office. "How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer."Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer."Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man."Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"
One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen!"Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?""Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog.""Tell me more" said the priest."One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog.""But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest."Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again.""Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest.So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bead!"And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Why God Created Lawyers
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor. Who gets it? The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment.
The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations."
St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer.""How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"
"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’
A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!""Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?""My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be.""Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
“The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with the money bags,” a defense lawyer confided to a suspect. “That’s nothing, said the suspect. “I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn’t see me running from the bank.”
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?A: Professional courtesy.
What do you get when you cross a godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent
had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
An elephant was walking through the jungle one day when he heard something. He turned around and saw a tiger following him and eating his droppings. The elephant turned and said, "What the hell are you doing, eating my crap?"
The tiger replied, "I just ate a lawyer, and I'm trying to get rid of the taste."Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!""Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear.""If you know that, why are you changing shoes?""Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney,
"If I give you $300 per hour to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies "Sure, what's the other question?"In the beginning there was the computer. And God typed:
%>Let there be light!
#Please login.
%>login God
#Password?.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven_and_earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters
which are under and above the firmament
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run dry_land
#And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0
errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind.
#And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
%>Y
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
#MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
#Please login.
%>login God
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION
#USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN
#SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
%>NEW
#PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM
%>God
#NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME
%>who is God
#God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE
#And NEW logged offThere was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba? One wears a tie.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.TOP10.Subject: Gullibility Virus alert (fwd)
******************************************************************
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading
over the Internet!
******************************************************************
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is
called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly
hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and
get-rich-quick schemes.
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are
otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same
people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported
one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child
story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first
heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After
all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I
thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said,
before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state,
"My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is
spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following:
The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking;
The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others;
A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is
true.
D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
"I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos
makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told
about the Gullibility Virus, D.S. said he would stop reading email, so
that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall
tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
community.
Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including
2]Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability
3]Symantec Anti Virus Research Center
4]McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List
5]Dr. Solomons Hoax Page
6]The Urban Legends Web Site
7]Urban Legends Reference Pages
8]Datafellows Hoax Warnings
Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on
evaluating sources, such as
Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of
Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips moveQ: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honour.Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guysQ: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: a bucketQ: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where . . . your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "Really? What law firm do you work for?"How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Hope you've enjoyed our jokes. Pls learn lessons from them and don't let your personal injury lawyer, defense lawyer, immigration lawyer or any other form or shape of attoney do the same to you. If you've got any questions, or stories pls do tell us about them by leaving your comments, or calling us at + 312 255 2625.
Best of luck and watch out,Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A jury commissioner received a reply in response to a jury summons. It said: I would be most happy to serve, but first you will have to make arrangements for my release from jail.
Two lawyers are walking down the road when they see a beautiful woman walking towards them. ‘What a babe,’ one says. ‘I’d sure like to screw her!’ ‘Really?’ replies the other.‘Out of what?’
An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.
Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can’t wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off."
"I know the feeling," the other says.
"No, I’m serious," says the first. "They’re killing me."Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked his
Motorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), when
he noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in his
garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."
Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL and
a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over
the place.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating
point processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," she
responded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over
her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he
said, "How about computing a vector to my base address?" "I will cut out a byte
to eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. "I've
been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my
disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. She
walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a
global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?."
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, he
was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He
finally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but
Mini was again one step ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating software. "Let's get Basic, you RAM," she said.
Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processor
of it's own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up that
Micro had consulted his analyst about). "Core," was all he could say, as she
prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root
device and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted an
escape sequence ....
"No, No" she cried, "You are not shielded."
"Reset, Baby," he replied, "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes," she protested.
"Don't run away," he said, "I will generate an interrupt."
"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Mini
soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers," She thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever think of is
HEX."A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.
This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the
program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has
already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
out of MYASS."A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer:
Should he tell his partner?Defendant: How can you sentence an innocent man to prison?
Judge: It is part of my job.Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
"Don’t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"From tomorrow you are free! The lawyer informs his client.Yes, I’m so happy, I have nothing to say, grumbled the prisoner.I torment myself for 5 years to make a rope ladder, 3 years to rasp the cage bars and you come now with the amnesty ordinance, exactly now when I wanted to break free...
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?A: About three pounds, including the urn.
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way. When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits." Then the worker replied, "That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?" So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it. Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven." Satan replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him." God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!" As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman?The lawyer, stunned, began to scream, "My rolex, my brand new rolex!"
The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved
pleading the case -- the lawyer.Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pit bull?
A: A dishonest pit bull.A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
The rooster clucks defiance.Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?A: A good start!
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.""You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner."No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!"
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three
friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
14. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the
average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where
you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will
not be evenly distributed.
Number 16 of course, came from Mark TwainLorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.
He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.
When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?""Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant."Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?""Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
Submitted by vicky.
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers.
A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it -- it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper's terms, and left with the rat.At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a life rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper's warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the brass rat into the water, where they drowned.The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, no refunds. I don't want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can't return the merchandise."The man smiled, and replied, "Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know -- do you have a brass lawyer in stock?"
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.
The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let�s get out of here."A man calls a lawyer’s office. A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’ The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s playing golf today.’ ‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’
Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?A: Depends on how deep you stack them.
A lawyer is paid £950 in new bills but, on counting the money, he discovers that two notes have stuck together and he’s been overpaid by £50. This leaves him with an ethical dilemma – should he tell his partner?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie. A prison guard is shaving your head.Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases. She then said to herself, “That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!"
Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said: "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!""Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear.""If you know that, why are you changing shoes?""Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.
"If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.
If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!"There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
Submitted by Rohit.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.
Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives:1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident.2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident.3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience.I’ll take the lawyers heart. After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient:Why did you choose the lawyers heart?Simple! I chose the heart that was less used...
You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
After his death, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?""They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil."What's your second question?""Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'lawyers' clock?"The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
A lawyer, known more for his drinking at the bar than for his practice before it, died in poverty.The other attorneys from the city, feeling sorry for his family, started a fund to cover his funeral expenses.A local businessman was asked to make a contribution."Will you please donate a dollar, so we can bury a lawyer?""Only a dollar to bury a lawyer?" asked the businessman, "Here's $100 -- go and bury 99 more of them."
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers: "What is this?"The first lawyer replies: "It's the $100 I owe you."
How do you call 5000 lawyers dead at the seashore?A good start...
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?A f***ing know-it-all. What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?Stick his bill up his @$%. What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.(This is a spoonerism. Do we need to explain it?) Did you hear about the lawyer who dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
(5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
meant to remove Disk 1 first.A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”
A local charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the donation seeker mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The person coming for donation began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The person who came asking for donation felt completely humiliated and said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don`t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A desperate man enters a bar and says:All the lawyers are stupid!!!From a table a solid man rises up and goes to the desperate man:Take that back!Why? Are you a lawyer?No, I’m stupid...
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"A variation
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"The lawyer’s motto:a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant?s arm to one year?s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer?s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/
/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/
/* Standard definitions
*/
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessingn")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
...and so on.
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]How many personal injury lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".If a lawyer and a tax official were both drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do; go to lunch or read the paper?
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they�ll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I don't understand, Cindy complained. When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.
Out of courtesy, sharks never attack lawyers.
In a murder trial, the
defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.
"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.
"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."
"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.
"Didja lose anything?"How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?"How many can you afford?"
A loan shark asks a lawyers advice:How can I get back my $1,000 from Johnny if I lost my loan receipt?Send a letter where you will write to him to send you the $2,000 he owns you.Ok but I only loaned him $1,000!That’s the idea, we want to get from hem a proof that he owns you $1,000...
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
Submitted by vicky.
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.
"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,
"It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with
U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal".
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically"
accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He
went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer
Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times
the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did
say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". In
addition, Gates said, all state and local branch governments will have to renew their licensing
agreements with the new Microsoft Federal Government in order to keep current liberty rights
intact. "It's not anti-competitive, only acting as any capitalist soverign would toward lesser
competitors."
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't
deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be
able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.
About Microsoft:
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal
computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free
society every day.
About the United States:
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of
the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered
in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Three...the rest are all true.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
Submitted by vicky.
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?A: Not enough sand.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”
Chicago sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal management conference in Indiana. While driving through a rural area, their car broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse.The farmer told them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his barn.The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to sleep.The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door. It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that started the great Chicago fire. He had tried to sleep, but kept having nightmares where they were kicking over lanterns and setting the barn ablaze.The city attorney declared, "You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the barn." Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the very indignant cows and pigs.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?""No.""So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?""Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A. Shoot him before he hits the water.A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away."Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor."Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."
A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder. After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted. The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’. The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the
best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better
hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.
I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think
I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't
fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next
door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online
for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's
just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these
services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the
modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they
didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a
modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when
you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought
the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured
it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this
internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America
Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared
to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but
nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS
LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD
AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE
OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD
KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I
HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!
I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I
WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I
WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT
A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN
THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it
to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I
can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid
next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's
laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let
him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why
the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty
stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they
used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new
signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to
read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story
I
like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"The witness: "Yes, sir."The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?Shoot the lawyer twice.
Newspaper Headline:
"Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice"How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?Depends on how thin you slice them. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.Answer #3: How many can you afford?Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours. Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Before or after he died?At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”“What?” said the puzzled groom.“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.'Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?""Guilty", said the man in the dock.At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?"Guilty", said the man in the dock.Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"He replied "He is my next door neighbor".The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.DNA Tests
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch:
You Decide
__________
| ______ |
________ | | | |
| ______ | 'But that isn't a fair | | | |
|| || comparison. People | |______| |
||______|| like the Etch-A-Sketch.' | |
| o o | | _ _ _ _ _|
|________| (|__________|
| ________)_
Roger Earl [^] | |
roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca [_] |__________|
After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison,
similar to the other great computer wars.
Etch-A-Sketch Mac Classic
No. of Colours 2 2
ResolutionNASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn�t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer�s ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I�ll give you $1 million, I�ll keep $1 million, and we�ll send the engineer to Mars."You Might Be A Lawyer If....
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply.Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?A: About three pounds, including the urn.
A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention.
The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?"
The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to p*ss on our hands."What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off. What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?The lawyer charges more. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?A gigolo only screws one person at a time. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?A vampire only sucks blood at night.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate."Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man."We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied."Oh, come along with me then.""But sir, I have a wife with two children!""Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man."But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered."Bring them as well!"They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One but it has to have a good case.
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered no to the question.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter. A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.
Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's Costume
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even if he is from the planet Zambodia.
But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court. Slug PM-Prince Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p.m. EDT.A young woman went to see her doctor one day. She nervously asked, "Doctor, please tell me. Can I get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
The doctor immediately responded, "My dear, where do you think lawyers come from?""You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand."If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps withpictures of favorite lawyers on them.The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions."Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry.""I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge."Wait, there's more...When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's.""THAT'S when I hit him!"
Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?A: It's called Sosumi.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
Why do lawyers where neck ties? So their foreskin doesn't slip up over their head.
How many lawyers dose it take to change a light bulb?3, 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
The boss speaking with the secretary:Who told you that, if I kissed you a couple of time, you have the right to laze all day long?My lawyer.
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died.
They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment.
They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live?.
The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat. While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat. The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God! Help me, help me!’ His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter. The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting! I’m melting…!’
A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, 'Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.'He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned.He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, 'Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?''Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: A perfect setup for skeet shooting.When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft
has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It
believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of life.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the
package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector.
Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,
aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must
have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is
complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,
"It is now safe to turn off your partner."
DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these
have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its
used.
CONCLUSION
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to
its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,
Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our
customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? * Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? * Chelsea Clinton If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your bicycle. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? * The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.""Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?"The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand
dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried
my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
Lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense."You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"The client replied that he did.The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
I HAVE to tell you something that happened to my cousin with TWO lawyers!
This very strange thing happened to his girlfriend. Her former employee used her picture in a major national advertising campaign without her consent and without having paid her a dime. They decided they would sue her former employee and went to a lawyer. They went to his brother's friend, who happened to be a lawyer, who changed them $150. Not too bad, I would say. Two weeks later, without having done anything, he called them up and told them he was too inexperienced to handle the case and that he would recommend another friend of his, who was an very experienced (and older) lawyer - BAD NEWS!! They went to this other lawyer who told them they have a 96% chance of winning the case, but that the lawsuit would cost them $4,000 for which they would have to prepay $1,000. They innocently paid.
IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS AND THEY HAVEN'T HEARD BACK FROM HIM!!
Lawyers... So my cousin called him up yesterday and told him, "hey, dude, what's up with you and why are you disappearing on us? In five day, the festival is over and there will be no point in suing anymore..."
In any case, to make a long story short, the lawyer told him a major BS story, that he had changed his "strategy" (WHATEVER!) and hadn't told him what his new plan was because he wanted him to act "natural" around the former employee (they had met earlier that day). Doesn't this tell us something about lawyers? I have to tell you I was pretty shocked...A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."A man called his law firm and asked the
receptionist if he could speak to
his lawyer, Mr. Smith.
She replied that she was sorry, but his lawyer was dead.
The next day the man called again wanting to speak with Mr. Smith.
The receptionist again said that she was sorry, but he was dead.
The next day, the man rang again and
and asked if he could talk to his lawyer
Mr. Smith.
The receptionist said that she was
sorry but she had already told him a
hundred times that he was dead.
The man replied, I know that, I just like hearing it!OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know that:
660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the BeastA prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"
His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"From: paul0426@tarsus.com (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)
To: allusers@rome.org
CC: s_peter@jol.com (Judaea Online)
Attachments: none
Subject: general teaching
Also posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy
Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and disk
space charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,
so I'll have to keep this short. :)
IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the
godlessness of men. }:>
U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.
BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry.
Circumcision :( is meaningful only if it is inward -- otherwise,
BFD. Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because of
the customer support they receive. In Him we are neither IBM nor
Gateway, Tandy nor Compaq.
None of us is righteous. As King David wrote:
KD> There is no one righteous, not even one;
KD> There is no one who understands, no one who seeks
KD> God, no one who has not illegally copied his
KD> favorite game program for a friend.
But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*
righteousness.
But does this mean we should sin all we want? No way!
We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spirit
gives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit to
the authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Pay
for shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flame
somebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.
Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause your
fellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive. Watch out
for those R- and X-rated .GIF files.
I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on the
couch. CUL8er. :)
XXX Papyrus 6.2 XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX {RAH}
--------------
John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)
_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, a
magazine of religious satire and commentary.How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?Just say, "Fees."
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…""You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?"
A young lawyer was working on a farmer’s case, which asked compensation from the train company because one of they’re trains killed 24 pigs of his.At the High Court, wanting to make impression of the damage amount, the lawyer says:There were 24 pigs gentlemen! Twice as much than you!
Your Honor,” began the defense attorney, “my client has been characterized as an incorrigible bank robber, without a single socially redeeming feature. I intend to disprove that.”
“And how will you accomplish this?” the judge inquired.
“By proving beyond a shadow of a doubt,” replied the lawyer, “that the note my client handed the teller was on recycled paper.”There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.
One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see.
The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit was happy to know what he was.
He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are."
The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.
When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.
After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.
The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene.
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered no to the question.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.
"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.
"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."
"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.
"Didja lose anything?"Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.There was a lawyer and a skunk standing in the road. How can u tell which lane each one was in?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk...What’s the difference between a lawyer and a spermatozoid?Only one from 30.000 gets a man.
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?A: About three pounds, including the urn.
She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd even been discovered with the smoking gun still in her hand.
During his summation, her lawyer pleaded for mercy on the basis that the
lady was now a widow.A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!""Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear
the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."What is the favorite pastime for Retired Lawyers?
Ambulance chasing!
----- Old Habits Die Hard-----How to Argue Effectively
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
-=- Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
-=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
-=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
-=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.
Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."He was a very keen lawyer, he even named his daughter ‘Sue’.
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute stops fucking you after your dead.Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?- Visit the next joke about this topic!
- Visit the previous joke about this topic!
- Return to the lawyer jokes page
- Visit the next joke about this topic!
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It�s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That�s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn�t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I�ll take the meat."At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Submitted by vicky.
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours.Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITSWhat is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”
Submitted by vicky.
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor.
The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave."A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.�
-- Lin Yutang
�Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.�
-- Ambrose Bierce "A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.�
-- Benjamin Franklin
�Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.�
-- Oscar Wilde
�In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.�
-- Lenny Bruce
�I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.�
-- VoltaireIn the High Court:Do you know what you get for false testimony?Yes, they promised me a Mercedes...
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!
95% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! !
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the duck."Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape
Town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to
come back to Mitchell’s Plain, because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.
He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new
Law office. The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to
make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came
to the door Gatiep picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, while talking. "No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't
settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed
to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument
and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the
State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while
The man sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions. Finally, Gatiep put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What
can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Telkom, I've come to connect your telephone line".A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place". But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here." The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.". The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!". St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullsh*t, come!" Bullsh*t entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullsh*t immediately f**ked the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything!"The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don’t know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it’s my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?Beautician: Maybe. Does he still drink a lot?
At the height of a political corruption trial the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true he bellowed that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness stared out the window as though he hadnt heard the question.
Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally the judge leaned over and said Sir please answer the question.
Oh the startled witness said I thought he was talking to you.Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.
When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.
After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.
The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers. ‘Both of you have given me a bribe,’ he says. ‘You, Tom, gave me £15,000. And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.’ The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom. ‘I’m returning £5,000, and we’ll now decide this case solely on its merits.’
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?" The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, "4.0"Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, "What do you want it to be?"
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?" I said, "I never felt better in my life."
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
Are computers males or females? You decide.
TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:
5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
so much in the d*mn machine that they're compelled to remain with an
under powered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
have their attention.
FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell? Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!""Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won."
A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention. The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?" The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to piss on our hands."
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?A: Not enough cement.Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before."You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant."No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.“My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”
What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?A total waste of space!
My Daddy Is A Lawyer
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.A man was checking his itemized lawyers bill. One item read:-
Spotted you across the street. Crossed over to discuss a legal point in your case. When I got there it was not you after all. 20 dollarsFrom the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994.
Reprinted without permission
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman
said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot
pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
that helps to control the computer's operations.
[boring stuff deleted]
Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies
needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes
exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say
that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly
because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started
charging help-line users.
[boring stuff deleted]
John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura
would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked, 'What power switch?'"
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."
Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the
mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
roll it into the typewriter..."
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that
she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer
arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at
Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the
customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
echnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."
Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his
tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and
then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says
he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he
was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's
"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell
every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk
him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling
uplifted by the process.One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do.
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail the other was pulling on the head. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.A guy was talking with his friend:I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk.Ok, but how about your finances?The lawyer takes care of those...
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."Important Legal Terminology
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.You Might Be A Lawyer If....
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"A man walks into a bar with a alligator. He says to the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here?’ ‘Sure do,’ replies the bartender. ‘Good,’ says the man. ‘Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my ’gator.’
What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear.
A lawyer has just settled down in his new office. So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients. After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office. Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action. So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?""Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried
this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth
process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine""I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.""Why do you say that?""Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."
The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”
The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.
Submitted by vicky.
Two lawyers were walking down the street, when they saw a beautiful,
voluptious woman.
"See that woman?" asked the first lawyer "I would really like to screw her!"
The second lawyer looked at him and asked, "Out of what?"Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."After suffering through years of his wife’s awful coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man snarl, “”Here they are!”
“Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked. “Grounds for divorce.”Three men, a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer take a fishing boat out onto the ocean. A terrible storm arises, and the boat takes a great quantity of water. Fearing that they will all die, they decide that one of them must jump into the shark infested waters so that the other two may live.
The minister volunteers, saying that God will take care of him. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.
More water comes into the boat. They decide that one of the two remaining people must jump in. The doctor says "I have spent my entire life healing people, certainly I will survive the ocean." He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.
A person is walking along the shore line. He sees the boat being pushed by sharks onto the shore. It reaches the shore, and the lawyer steps out calmly. The man runs to the lawyer, and says "hey, what was that all about?"
The lawyer says "Professional courtesy."Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"Q:How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?A:With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery." stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.
The man's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face turns to his attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed
it to Leon.
"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?""Guilty", said the man in the dock.At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?"Guilty", said the man in the dock.Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"He replied "He is my next door neighbor".The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him. Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case. ‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.’ ‘Why?’ asks the judge. ‘He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested?’ Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the bastard went and took the car I stole.’
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Wings.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAD LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?A: To practice.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? Answer: His lips begin to move.
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t."A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!""It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer."Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?""No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.""But I did send them.", replied the man."What?" shouted the lawyer."I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health) substituting rats with lawyers for lab tests? Three reasons:
1. There are more lawers then rats.
2. When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them.
3. There are some things a rat will not do.As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?" asked the client."Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!""Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?""Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
A young attorney who had taken over his father�s practice rushed home elated one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I�ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"Why won't sharks attack lawyers? "Professional courtesy."
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
"How�s business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper."What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?A: It depends how hard you throw them.
What do you call Satan and a lawyer? Twins!
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullsh*t, come!" Bullsh*t entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullsh*t immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.How can you know a lawyer is lying?When he moves his lips.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, ‘Congratulations!’ ‘Congratulations for what?’ asks the lawyer. ‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.’ ‘But that’s not true,’ says the lawyer. ‘I only lived to be forty.’ ‘That’s impossible,’ replies Saint Peter. ‘We’ve added up your time sheets.’
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."Merry Christmas in Legal Terms
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney saidThe following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"
The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distanceA blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
Featuring a PC Primer and Revised PC Lexicon
by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw X.
(C) 1992 - All Rights Reserved
"...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and
harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people,
regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient
world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit."
- Prof. Dr. Skippy "Houng Lau" Whitmore
Berkeley CA, 1965An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.Why don’t you see lawyers on the beach? Cats keep covering them with sand.
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.I dated a lawyer until she said, ‘Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!’
Terrorists have hijacked a planeload of lawyers bound for a legal convention. They’ve threatened to start releasing the lawyers one by one until their demands are met.
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like
this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was
without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully
balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic
status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of
self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold,
the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that
process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage
in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic
differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third
day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought
the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision
functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The
committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives
to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that
it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and
strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural
sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that
this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment
and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able
to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day
and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and
seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human
beings.
On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee
passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the
guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should
have been created in the committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .In a murder trial, the defense attorney
was cross-examining a pathologist.
Here's what happened:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.What’s the difference between a shame and a pity? If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity. If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.
Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.
The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.
When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie? His lips start moving.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s a scum-sucking bottom dweller, the other’s a fish!
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.
A man is being paneled for jury...
Attorney: Sir, do you drive?
Man: Yes
Attorney: And does your wife drive as well?
Man: NO...NOT as well.A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity."First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children...""I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do.
A very well dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls and took off his cap with the words “Blue Collar Man” on the brim. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said: "Interesting cap! And do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?"
The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the lawyer if he knew of any friends who might want the job.
The lawyer raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes and his office: "Now, do I LOOK like someone who would have a plumber for a friend?"
"You're right. A high class white-collar guy like you would never know plumbers." said the plumber apologetically.
"Exactly! After all, I have high standards!" sneered the upper-crust lawyer, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie.
When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer's office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer's brand new mirror-polished $700 Brooks Brothers capote business shoes, with the black silk socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside.
On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, with attached paisley suspenders, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them.
The plumber went in and the first there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The plumber tapped on the soles of the lawyer's feet. The lawyer looked out, with the “Blue Collar Man” cap on top of his hundred-dollar haircut and sweat streaming down his face. He pointed at the bill and said, "You found your assistant".
Q:Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
2. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
3. When they land, they screw up everything forever.What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honour.
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor. ‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks. ‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: �Justice prevailed.�
The senior partner replied in haste, �Appeal immediately.�It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."Testified the man charged with indecent exposure."Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge."Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."
A lawyer’s son was about to enter college. He asked his son "Now how did it get into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"
"Well dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody in a crowd gathered around a heart-attack victim shout out frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, “Asshole attorneys”.The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying “I want you to know I highly resent that remark”.“Why, are you an attorney?”“No, I’m an asshole.”
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"
The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.
''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''
''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''
''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very
dangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard
drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are
even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all
your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when
you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing
the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if
she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave
libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying
to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave
the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove
while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new
snowblower.Why are lawyers buried twelve feet in the ground instead of six? Because deep down they are really nice people
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"
The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "no" and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy."Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
No changes occur.How come the lawyer got underground only by his neck?It was not enough sand...
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat?
A: One is an arrogant creature that will claw you out of house and money, and the other is a cat.Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A1. Define "change"
A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?
A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to
large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.
A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it
elsewhere.
A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.
A6. Well, that's because you're a twit.
A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong.
A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit?
A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk
about lightbulb fans instead of flaming?
A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop?
A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something.
A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to
post or not post.
A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou,
Libertarian Party Candidate for President?
A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits.
A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb????
A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff!
A17. What "stuff" pray tell?
A18. Yikes! It's dark in here!
A19. Define "dark".
A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out.
A21. So change it.
A22. Define "change"...Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.
A man requires surgery to remove his left leg. He consults with the surgeon; plans are made for surgery the next morning. Morning comes and the Surgeon arrives still intoxicated from a night on the town. He removes the left leg only after mistakenly removing the right. Needless to say the patient, after recovering, saw a lawyer who told him he couldn't win, because he didn't have a leg to stand on.
What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river? Pollution. What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge? Solution.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.""Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven? Hell was full.! ! ! ! ! ! ! Oh my God!!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Believe??
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually, I'm an attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old?"A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's mine."When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice."
-- Lin Yutang
"Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage."
-- Ambrose Bierce
"A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."
-- Benjamin Franklin
"Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent."
-- Oscar Wilde
"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
-- Lenny Bruce
"I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one."
-- VoltaireA lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, "Mary is so young and pretty she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"
"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."The judge:Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association?The inculpated:Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?
2. Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."
18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy!
19. Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?
20. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long,
hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender....Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese DoctorsA doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled."All I know for sure is that it was a partner - I had to do all the work."
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.The day of delivery arrived.Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
Night At The Barn
A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."
A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.
"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.
"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.
"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it�s starting to rain."No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they
mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus.A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet?Because deep down they are really good people.
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can�t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer�s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.
"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?A: No fee–If No Recovery!
Lawyer: ‘Let me give you my honest opinion.’ Client: ‘No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.’
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"
He said, "Why, yes I am!"
So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"
"$7.98," said the butcher.
A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn’t you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."The lawyer looked down to his left side and let out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!… MY ROLEX!"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"
A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week.""That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's Costume
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even if he is from the planet Zambodia.
But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court. Slug PM-Prince Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p.m. EDT.An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impresive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Changing lawyers in the middle of a case is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any Tylenol.Q. How does an attorney sleep?A. First he lies on one side, and then on the other.A town too small to support one lawyer can always support two.What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?Ten pounds - but that includes the urn.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?""Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
At a party of professionals, a Doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The Doctor turned to a Lawyer acquaintance, and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"
"Simple," answered the Lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."
The next day, the Doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the Lawyer.A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn�t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don�t worry. You�ll never have to go to jail with all that money.� And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn�t have a dime.
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no,
he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!"
She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"Why God Created Lawyers
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.“I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.
What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?He would starve to death.What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?Senator. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?"Your honor." What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?The caterer. What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?A good start! Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?Because deep down, they are really good guys. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?Professional courtesy. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?A shortage of sand. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?Cut the rope. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.Answer #2: No? Good! What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.What is the definition of a "crying shame"?There was an empty seat. Where can you find a good lawyer?In the cemetary.
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”
A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.
“Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes? Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
What's the difference between F.Lee Bailey and a generalized joke about Lawyers?
One is boorish rude and insensitive, the other is just a joke!!Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: Atty., what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat? Lawyer replied: why? of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it! The butcher said: If that is so, now you owe me $15 because it is your dog. The Lawyer replied: very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here.
Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A. It's called, Sosumi.Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
- Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
- When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
- Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
- A prison guard is shaving your head.
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.
In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."
In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."
In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.
"I'll choose this room," he said.
Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.
Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."How are lawyers like whores?
They both get paid to screw people.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?""No. He charged me for it."There are two kinds of lawyers -- those who know the law and those who know the judge. Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig is at home in the mud. Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970.Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as efficient and half as expensive every 18 months.
I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find
the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it
works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97
program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After
months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I
very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife
1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Any Ideas???Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver's big city lawyer questioned farmer John."After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff's deputy, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.Farmer John answered, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the....""I did not ask you about your mule," the lawyer interrupted, "I asked you about your statement to the sheriff's deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"Farmer John answered, "Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck...."The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. "Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff's deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' Please tell him to simply answer the question."The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, "Let's hear what he has to say. If he doesn't get around to answering your question, we'll deal with it after we find out about Bessie."Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin' real bad and I couldn't even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.
Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class about there parent's occupations.
Jane put up her hand and said, "My mother is a nurse".
The teacher said, "That's wonderful, she helps to cure sick people."
Andrew then out up his hand. "My father is a pilot," he said.
The teacher said, "Congratulations! Your father helps people get to where they are going."
Johnny then said, "Miss, my father plays the piano in a brothel."
The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her head for later reference.
At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnny's parents came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he really was a piano player in a brothel.
Johnny's father replied that he wasn't. But that is what he told Johnny because he didn't want to admit to being a lawyer.A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer puzzedly asked, "How do you start a flood?"A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
Submitted by rajat.
This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art."
"Are you crazy?" says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?"Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
"Everybody in my family follows the medical profession. They're all lawyers."The outlook for the New Jersey economy is so bad that the mob just laid off 3 judges.The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?Just say "Fees!"Why are lawyers so good at racketball?Because they stoop so low.Why do lawyers get paid so much?I'll tell you as soon as I finish billing you for the punch line.
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"
The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distanceA lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's mine."A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'
'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool. The Peacher asked God: "Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?" God Replied: "He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice.To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
“My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”
Submitted by vicky.
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"
"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."
"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
a man hated lawyers with a passion and every time he would pass one while driving he would run him over
once while he was driving he saw a priest walking on the side. being a nice guy he offered him a ride. as he was driving he suddenly saw a lawyer so out of habit he turned to try to hit him. then remembering who was sitting in the back he right away swerved back on to the street. just then he heard a crash he turned around. the priest told him I see you missed him in the front so I got him with the back door!!!!A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life.
What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
They grow taller.! ! ! ! ! ! ! !A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial...
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station ... a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.
"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.
"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.
"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?" The man said, "Here and there." The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?" The man said, "This and that." The judge then said, "Take him away." The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?" The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there."He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods."Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!""Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet.Amanpreet agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. ”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ”I’ve found my ball!” he announces.”After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?””What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!””And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. ”I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."On coming home from a late night at the office, the partner at a presigious law firm discovered that his basement was flooded. He summoned a plumber. The plumber arrived soon afterward, with a spare set of overalls and a cap that said "Blue Collar Guy".The lawyer, still dressed in his an expensive suit, silk tie, and gleaming wingtips, chuckled. "I like your hat," he said. "But you're the first plumber I've met who brought a change of clothes to a job." The plumber smiled.The plumber went down into the basement, and the lawyer heard him working downstairs. Before too long, the plumber came back upstairs. "I'm almost done down there. I'm going to write up your bill, then I'm going to go out to my truck for a tool I need to finish up."The plumber added, "The overalls and hat you asked me about, they're not for me. I'm looking for a new assistant, and I was hoping you might know somebody who wanted the job." The lawyer responded, with more than a hint of condescension, "I'm a lawyer. Who would I know who would want to work as a plumber?" The plumber shrugged, and handed the lawyer his bill.A couple of minutes later, when the plumber returned from his truck, found the lawyer, dressed in the hat and overalls. "I had a chance to look over your bill while you were out," the lawyer said. "You found yourself an assistant."
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.
It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."Three partners of a Lawyer firm were attending a convention out of town. As the plane carried them to their destination
one of the partners gulped and told the second partner
Oh my gosh I forgot to lock the safe.
The third partner said
There is nothing to worry about. All three of us are here!The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won."
A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep."The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep… You wake him up."
A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business, when he stepped out of his Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he cried "my god I'm melting!"
Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.1. His Doctor2. His Priest 3. His Lawyer"Well today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."Well the Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.”“That’s nothing said the third paramedic. “Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Discussion between two future lawyers:I don’t understand why they rejected me! I told them that I want to be a lawyer because I respect the law, that I’d give my life for the Constitution and that I want justice for my clients. What did you tell them?I told them that I want to be a lawyer because of my hands!You’re hands?What do you mean?Well, I looked in my hands and there were no money...
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.
"If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.
If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!"Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.
"Boy, I'd like to screw her," says one lawyer.
"I agree," says the other.
"But out of what?"At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married".
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot.Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.""Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”
Lawyer’s creed – a man is innocent until proven broke.
By
Gerhard Reinke
IRELAND
"Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?"
FRANCE
"Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?"
ITALY
"Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! "
POLAND
"Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?"
GERMANY
"Is this bratwurst kosher?"
TURKEY
"Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?"
KOREA
"Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?"
CHINA
"This wall isn’t so great."
ENGLAND
"Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?"
SWEDEN
"Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"
YEMEN
"Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?"
INDIA
"You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?"
ETHIOPIA
"After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!"
CANADA
"You’re like Americans without money."
SPAIN
"So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?"
SOUTH AFRICA
"I liked it better the other way."
MEXICO
"What's that smell?"
SAUDI ARABIA
"Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?"
RUSSIA
"Is it always this cold and economically devastated?"
UZBEKISTAN
"Can you spell Uzbekistan?"
GREECE
"I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
"Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?"
JAPAN
"What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?"
AUSTRALIA
"How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?"
AMERICA
"Was John Wayne gay?"An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty."But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."
Society has found a new use for lawyers. From now on we are going to use them in place of lab rats.
There are three reasons for this.
First, there are more lawyers than there are rats.
Second, some people get attached to rats.
Third, there's just some things a rat will not do.An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him.He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor,"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed."I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir.
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
"How’s business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper."How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
Programmer:
A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after
innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with
micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive
documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious
reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding
a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information
in the first place.How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."- Visit the next joke about this topic!
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A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"
His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.
He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.
When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’ So he asks the man behind the cashregister, "how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?" The man replies, "do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?"
A man committed murder. To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000.So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said " I would have got you this result for $100 only"!
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."A man was checking his itemised lawyers bill. One item read:-
Spotted you across the street. Crossed over to discuss a legal point in your case. When I got there it was not you after all. 20 dollarsThis guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits
down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he
drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The
truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't
let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the
bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of
them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps
out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said,
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road. As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. "I'll give you a lift."The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office
and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney
who agreed and he went to the spinster's home
for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was, "Would you
please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and
accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you
like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you,
I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you
will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much
note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what
would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never
married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer
said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling
his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.
After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over
tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're
finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the
spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car
horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window
opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!""Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."* * *"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"* * *"Did he kill you?"* * *"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."* * *"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"* * *"How many times have you committed suicide?"* * *"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"* * *"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"* * *"Were you present when your picture was taken?"* * *"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"
The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say
Fees!A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and
disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he
said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?His lips are moving.
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”
“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.
“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”
Submitted by vicky.
How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?Shoot him before he hits the water!
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many you can afford!An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
Submitted by vicky.
Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral? There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
“Satan!” beckoned God. “You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!”
“Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil.
“I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God.
“Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
Submitted by rajat.
After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.
“Look,” the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box.
Can you get me off?”
The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.”
And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"After years of assisting more senior attorneys at trial, a young lawyer was finally allowed to try a case on her own. Determined not to lose, she prepared furiously.The trial went on for eight exhausting days. Finally, the case went to the jury, which quickly returned with a verdict in favor of her client.Ecstatic, the attorney phoned the firm's managing partner, and the moment he was on the line announced, "It's me! The jury just came back, and justice has prevailed!"The managing partner gasped, stammering, "Appeal at once."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
What’s black and tan and looks great on a lawyer? A Dobermann pinscher.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.A: What's the difference between a lawyer and an undertaker?B: A Lawyer doesn't mind getting his hands dirty while burying his victims.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What�s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after
her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The
mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each
word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation",
she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?A: Outlaws are wanted.
A lawyer stood at the gate to Heaven. St. Peter was patiently explaining that the man's sins were far too many and serious to allow for admission into heaven."Sir, surely you don't deny that you routinely overcharged your clients. That you cheated on your wife with your law clerks and associates -- and that you used your position as a partner to pressure those clerks and associates into becoming involved with you. Surely you don't deny that you deliberately took false positions in court in order to win cases, where any sense of ethics would have caused you to settle. And there's so much more here, why surely...."The lawyer interrupted, "Yes, yes, I know all of that. But I've done some charity in my life as well."St. Peter looked in his book and noted,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"The lawyer looked smug. He replied, "Yes."St. Peter turned to the angel next to him and said, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. “So what did you think?” he asks.“Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.”Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.“So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?”The second guy replies, “You were right.”
A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower.
After about 25 minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00.
The lawyer, enraged, says: “I’m a famous trial lawyer, and even I don’t make that kind of money for 25 minutes work!”
“Neither did I when I was a lawyer”, says the plumber.
Submitted by ravinder.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do!What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"A man goes to see his lawyer to prepare his will. At the first meeting, the lawyer takes all the information down, and sends the man home, telling him to come see him again in two weeks.
Two weeks later, the man comes back, reads the will and signs it in front of three witnesses. The lawyer says: "That will be $100." (This is an old joke.)
The man pays him, shakes his hand and leaves.
The lawyer looks down in his hand and notices not one but two $100 bills, and so, he faces a serious ethical dilemma.
Do you know what the dilemma is?
Does he tell his partner, or not?Merry Christmas in Legal Terms
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll
be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them.", replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer?
"I sure did, that's how we won the case . . . good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower.After about 25 minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00.The lawyer, enraged, says: “I’m a famous trial lawyer, and even I don’t make that kind of money for 25 minutes work!”“Neither did I when I was a lawyer”, says the plumber.
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood."One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced, "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it -- if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town."What did he say?" asked the Ranger.The lawyer answered, "He said 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"
Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident? The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?A: His lips are moving
It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor."The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor."I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that.""Would it help to just write it down?"The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff.""But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
Q. Why don't snakes bite lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy!Three Friends
Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.
The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she’s a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "Nope, we won."
An airliner is having engine trouble. The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready. ‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply. ‘Except one lawyer. He’s still going around passing out business cards.’
The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"
The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distanceTwo women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That�s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."4 surgeons were in the doctors lounge talking.
The first one said," I like operating on librarians because when you open them up, their parts are alphebetized." The second one said," I prefer working on Accountants because you open them up, and everything is numbered." The third Surgeon said," I really like operating on mechanics because they understand if you have parts left over."
The Fourth said," I like working on Lawyers." everone else asked why?.
He said, " You open them up, and you find they are spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangable!"
Basic-Fortran-Cobol... These
programming languages are well
known and (more or less) well
loved throughout the computer
industry.
There are numerous other
languages however that are less
well known yet still have ardent
devotees. In fact these little
-known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers.
For those who wish to know more
about these obscure languages -
and why they are obscure - I
present the following catalog.
SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronym
for Sheer Idiot's Mono Purpose
Programming Lingusitic
Environment.
This language developed at the
Hanover College for Technological
Misfits was designed to make it
impossible to write code with
errors in it. The statements are
therefore confined to BEGIN-END-
and STOP. No matter how you
arrange the statements you can't
make a syntax error.
Programs written in SIMPLE do
nothing useful.Thus they achieve
the results of programs written
in other languages without the
tedious frustrating process of
testing and debugging.
SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best known
for the speed or lack of it of
its compiler. Although many
compilers allow you to take a
coffee break while they compile
SLOBOL compilers allow you to take
a trip to Bolivia to pick up the
coffee. Forty-three programmers
are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while
waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.
Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn
to a related (but infinitely
faster) language...COCAINE.
VALGOL ... (With special thanks to
Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)
- From its modest beginnings in
southern California's San
Fernando Valley VALGOL is enjoying
a dramatic surge of popularity
across the industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY-
LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variables
are assigned with the =LIKE and
=TOTALLY operators.Other operators
include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"
FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of
code are handled in FOR-SURE loops.
Here is a sample VALGOL program
. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START
. %% IF
. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
. 4K (FERSURE)**2
. 18 THEN
. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
. 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
. -17 SURE
. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
. ? REALLY
. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
VALGOL is characterized by its
unfriendly error messages. For
example when the user makes a
syntax error the interpreter
displays the message GAG ME WITH
A SPOON!
LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL is
a derivative of LAIDBACK which
was developed at the (now defunct)
Marin County Center for T'ai Chi
Mellowness and Computer
Programming as an analternative to the
more intense atmosphere in nearby
silicon valley. The center was
ideal for programmers who liked to
soak in hot tubs while they
worked. Unfortunately few
programmers could survive there
for long since the center outlawed
pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK
because its reputation as a
gentle and nonthreatening language.
For example LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message
SORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.
SARTRE ... Named after the late
existential philosopher.SARTRE is
an extremely unstructured
language. Statements in SARTRE have
no purpose they are just there.
Thus SARTRE programs are left to
define their own functions.
SARTRE programmers tend to be
boring and depressed and are no
fun at parties.
FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precision
mathematical language in which
the data types refer to quantity.
The data types range from CC-OUNCE
-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH
(hence the name of the language)
LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients
such as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-
CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCH
and WHATEVERSAROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH
language reflect the sophistication
and financial status of its users.
Commands in the ELITE dialect
include VSOP and LAFITE while
commands in the GUTTER dialect
include HOOTCH and RIPPLE.
The latter is a favorite of
frustrated FORTH programmers who
end up using the language.
C-...This language was named
for the grade received by its
creater when he submitted it
as a class project in a
graduate programming class.
C- is best described as a
'Low Level' programming
language.
In fact the language
generally requires more C-
statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given
task. In this respect it
is very similar to COBOL.
LITHP ... This otherwise
unremarkable language is
distinguished by the absence
of an "s" in its character set.
Programmers and users must
substitute"TH". LITHP is said to
be useful in prothething lithtth.
DOGO ... Developed at the
Massachussettes Institute of
Obedience Training. DOGO heralds
a new era of computer literate
pets. DOGO commands include SIT
STAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. An
innovative feature of DOGO is
'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a small
cocker spaniel occasionally leaves
a deposit as he travels across
the screen.8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and
hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again.
One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back
in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down
in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are
this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so
performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they
find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.
Tuesday
-------
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put
something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support
lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
form J-19R=9C9DARRK1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such
a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell
her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital
status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for
Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell
her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last
week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally
deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I
grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running
in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and
hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in
her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably
fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the
airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for
her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
---------
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate
PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
--------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM
PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
monochrome and color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.
Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments.
Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is
down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and
plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and
relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point
to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so
myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell
to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing
the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and
can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a
two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two
hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to
set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell
him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if
he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest
they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them
document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
much.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a
good weekend.An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad."A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak.
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty." The man turned back around and looked in shock.
"Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I'll be paying fifty-five dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I'll only pay five?" The Shopkeeper grinned and nodded. Not believing what a bargain he'd got, the man quickly paid and walked out of the store.
A few moments later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave. When he looked back again, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to his path and continued walking.
When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue, sinking into the waves like stones.
The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock. When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle. He had a smug grin on his face as he said, "I expect you've come back to buy the story." The shopkeeper held out his hand for the fifty dollars.
The customer looked confused for a second, then said. "Hell no! I wanna know if you've got a statue of a lawyer!"Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.Why are lawyers liable to go to hell?
They are so full of lies it makes the devil blush.The town’s local council remarks that the best lawyer in town never made a donation to charity tendency. To convince him, the mayor calls him in his office:Sir, I remarked that you’re revenue reached a number of $600.000. With all these, you never made a donation to the charity...If you looked into my files, did you also remark that my mother is sick, and the medicaments she needs exceed her funds?No... answers mayor.In second place, my brother, war veteran, is condemned in a wheelchair and he’s blind.The mayor started apologizing, but was interrupted:And more, my sister died into a car accident and left tree children orphans.Stunned, the mayor says:I didn’t know, please accept my apologies...But the lawyer continues:I don’t see why I should give you any money, if I don’t ever give them money...
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?A: Stick his bill up his ass.
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.The accountant signs back, "I don’t know what you are talking about."The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn’t know what you are talking about."The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"The Godfather says, "Well... what did he say?"The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says…go to hell... that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger."
Q: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A: A great place to start.
A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” Asked the young guy.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are a**holes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back."
The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I’m an a**hole."A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight Doc, how long have I got?" The doctor replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked his doctor to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I figured I’d check out the same way."
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You
can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back."Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?""I’m a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills.""Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Q: Where does a chicken go when it loses all of its feathers?
A: To the retail store.Why God did made the snake before lawyers?To exercise.
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney�s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I�ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man�s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour�s work isn�t bad."A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.
St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.
"You are a lawyer aren't you?'
"Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?"
"Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."An attorney, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?""No," the coroner replied."Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?"The coroner answered, "No.""Did you check for respiration? Breathing?", asked the attorney.Again the coroner replied, "No.""Ah," the attorney said, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back "Counselor, at the time I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I can see your point. For all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."
"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."
"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. ‘Officer, look what they’ve done to my car!’ he whines. ‘You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,’ replies the officer. ‘You’re so worried about your stupid car, you haven’t even noticed your left arm was ripped off!’ ‘Oh my God!’ replies the lawyer. ‘Where’s my Rolex?’
Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest and
greatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for the
dudes who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable C
code involves the use of a few simple defines.
#define like {
#define man ;}
#define an ;
#define SayBro /*
#define CheckItOut */
SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOut
like
a = b
an
c = d
man
SayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?
THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOut
like SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but in
a readable form.
CheckItOut man
#define YoDude for(
#define OK )
#define is =
#define AND &&
#define as
#define Do
#define long
#define some
#define make
#define garbage
#define FAROUT
shell(v, n) SayBro sort v[0]...v[n-1] into increasing order CheckItOut
int v[], n;
like int gap, i, j, temp;
YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some garbage an make gap /=2 OK
YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some garbage an make i++ OK
YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[j] > v[j+gap] Do some
garbage an make j -= gap OK
like
temp is v[j] an
v[j] is v[j+gap] an
v[j+gap] is temp
man
FAROUT man
SayBro like, B there OB square! CheckItOutWalking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.
Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father�s activities and be introduced to his father�s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman�s clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the lawyer�s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
"Don�t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through
the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS
ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles
the second half of every text file on your system.
VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid
dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as
dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf
jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1
as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?""I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest."No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.""That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits!
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live."That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient."Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two lawyers fighting over a penny.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."
"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Lawyer Jokes
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