Miscellaneous Jokes

• Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side.




• A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Lettuce.
  Lettuce who?
  Lettuce in. It's cold outside.

• Two young men sneak on to a blind man's property in order to steal something of vaule. The blind man hears them and goes to the door with his shot gun. The two young men, seeing the blind man, stand motionless. The blind calls out, "Marco!". Silence. He tries once more, "Marco!" More silence. One more time, "Marco!" One of the young men, tired of the game, yells out, "We aren't going to fall for that..." *BANG!

• Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
  A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!

• New Yoker #1: "Why is Mayor de Blasio appointing former old commissioners to lead city agencies?"
  
  New Yorker #2: "Because in NYC we recycle!"

• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

• I’m on a whiskey diet. I have lost three days already.

• Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.The next day, the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"

• A: I have the perfect son.
  B: Does he smoke?
  A: No, he doesn’t.
  B: Does he drink whiskey?
  A: No, he doesn’t.
  B: Does he ever come home late?
  A: No, he doesn’t.
  B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
  A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

• There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

• When it comes to women, I am like the tortiose. I like to get there before the hair.

• Q: Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles?
  A: A rehab center.

• On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other. The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack. The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack. The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood. Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city. The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "Goddammit, I didn't!"

• What is the last thing you take off before you go to bed? Your feet off the ground.

• If silence speaks a thousand words, how loud is a thousand words?

• An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

• The economy is so bad now, Exxon-Mobile had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

• Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

• There are three men that work together, an Italian, an Irish, and a Polish man. One day, the Italian man is having lunch and says, "If my wife makes me a meatball sandwich again, I'm going to jump off the building." The Irish man and the Polish man say the same thing because they all have the same lunch everyday. The next day, the three men go to eat their lunches and they are the same as usual. The Italian man has a meatball sandwich, the Irish man has baked potatoes, and the Polish man has kilbossi with a roll and mustard. They walk all the way up the stairs to the roof and jump off. The cops find them, call their wives, and bring them to the building where their husbands work. Nobody knows why they jumped except a co-worker, who tells the police that the men didn't like their lunches, so they jumped off. The Italian's wife says, "He should have told me, I would have made him something different." The Irish man's wife says the same thing. The Polish man's wife says, "I don't know why he jumped, he makes his own lunch."

• A man lives and works in the same building. Every day he takes the elevator from the 10th floor down to the 1st floor where he works. At the end of the day he rides from the 1st floor up to the 7th floor and takes the stairs the rest of the way. Why? He is a dwarf and can't reach the 10th floor button.

• A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

• An Italian, a Mexican, and a redneck construction worker were sitting on top of their construction site during their lunch break. When the Italian opened his lunch, he said, "Dammit! If I get spaghetti again, I'mma gonna jump off this building anda kill myself." The Mexican opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get tacos again, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself." The redneck also opened his lunch and said, "Dammit! If I get another damn hamburger, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself." The next day they all got the same thing in their lunchboxes and killed themselves. At the funeral, the three widows were at the graves crying. The Italian widow said, "I'm so sad because I forgot to pack him something else!" The Mexican widow sobbed, "I did the same thing!" The redneck's wife said, "That damn idiot packed his own lunch!"

• Two rednecks were walking along when they saw a dog licking its balls. The first redneck said, "I wish I could do that." The other redneck said, "You dumbass, he would bite you."

• There once was a man named McCrass.
  His balls were made out of brass.
  When he clanged them together,
  They made stormy weather,
  And lightning shot out of his ass.

• In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

• What's six inches long and has nuts?Almond Joy

• Roses are red.
  Violets are blue.
  Some poems rhyme.
  Some poems don't.

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - Steven Wright

• A man with a broken hand says to doctor, "Will I be able to play guitar after the operation on my hand?" The doctor says, "Yes of course." "That's great! I never could before."

• Every tribe needs a straight lady.

• What did the astronaut discover when he found bones on the moon? The cow didn't make it.

• When someone yawns, do deaf people think they're screaming?

• How do you make a one armed man fall out of a tree? Wave.

• A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

  Father replies, :”O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

  Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

  Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

  Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”

  Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• As a diabetes educator, a number of my clients truly do not understand that when I tell them two alcoholic drinks per day, it does not mean they can save them all and have 14 on Saturday night.

• A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

• What's the similarity of typhoon with tycoon? They are both packed with a lot of wind.

• A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."

• A guy falls down in the street. To make sure he is not embarrassed in front of the neighbors, he crawled all the way home.

• I'm so hot, when I took of my clothes in the bathroom, the shower got turned on.

• A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

• Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
  Patient: "That's okay. I'll come back when you are sober."

• Lady: "Is this my train?"
  Station Master: "No, it belongs to the railway company."
  Lady: "Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York."
  Station Master: "No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy."

• A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up."Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?"Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."

• A guy walks into a bathroom, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear. “Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good.” So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room. “Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?” The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.” “What does ATR mean exactly?” says the guy. “Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

• Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid getting hit by a car.

• Two olives were sitting at a bar having a couple martinis, when all of a sudden, one olive falls off his chair and hits the ground. The other olive looks down at him and says, "Oh man, are you okay?" The olive looks up at him and says, " Yes, Ol-live."

• Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk." "You are right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first. Next morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10. They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20." "Hey," protested the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!" "Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning."

• Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

• Google will tell you that the number 1 sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I feel that the number 1 sign of alcoholism is having to Google "number 1 sign of alcoholism."

• On a windy day, an old lady is standing on a street corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is flying up over her face. An old man across the street sees her and runs over. As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that damn hat with both hands. You ought to be ashamed." She looked at him and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but this hat is brand new."

• A guy embezzled money from his company and was about to jump off a bridge, when an old hag appeared and told him she was a witch, and would put the money back if he would sleep with her. He did, and was ready to go back to work, believing his problems were solved, when the old hag who was in bed smoking a cigarette asked him, “Sonny, aren’t you too old to believe in witches?”

• A man walks into a pawn shop and the first thing he see is a ten inch tall robot playing the piano. He walks over to the clerk and the the clerk offers him a magic lamp. The man rubs it and wishes for a million bucks. Instantly a million ducks start falling from the sky. The man tells the clerk that the lamp is busted. The clerk replies, "I know. How do you think I got a ten inch pianist."

• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

• An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

• Three men get trapped on an island. An native tribe finds them. The chief says to them, "I'll grant each of you a wish but after that wish is fulfilled, we're going to kill you to make canoes out of you." The first man wishes to be rich. The tribe hands over some rare gems, enough to make him rich. Then they kill him. The second man asks for peace for his country. The tribe goes to his country and has a meeting with the ambassadors from all around, pledging to bring in more trade if they did not attack this man's home country. They accomplish the deal and head back to the island and kill him. The third man asks for a fork. The tribe travels all around searching for a fork. When they finally find one, they hand it to the third man asking, "Why'd you want a fork?" The man answers by stabbing himself and saying, "You're not gonna make a canoe outta me!"

• Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven."
  Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven."
  Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Six."
  Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven!"
  Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
  Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

• Why did the strawberry cross the road? Because it's mama was in a jam!

• Q: What has three balls and phones home?
  A: E.T.The Extra Testicle.

• Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says, "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

• I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

• How do you kill the circus? You go for the juggler.

• Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

• Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
  A: A thesaurus.

• A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

• Little Bobby's teacher asked everyone to draw something exciting. Isabel drew a puppy, Jeffrey drew a cake, and little Bobby drew a period. The teacher looked puzzled and asked Bobby, "How is this exciting?" Bobby said, "Well it may not be to you, but my sister is missing two, so there is a lot of excitement at my house."

• One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

• I used to write horoscopes for a living, but I got fired because every day for Cancer I'd just write, "Keep fighting."

• Q: Why do pilgrims pants fall down?
  A: Because their belts are on their hats.

• Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

• Q: Why should you never trust a toilet?
  A: Because it's full of shit.

• Why did Mickey divorce Minnie? Because she was f*cking Goofy.

• A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt. His mate says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!” So, he explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?” He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!”

• A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

• There was this girl who really wanted a boob job, so she went to see a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones told her the cost would be $3500.00. She then told Dr. Jones she could not afford to spend that much, so he told her if she waived her hands like a duck quacking in front of her breasts daily saying, "Mary had a little lamb, her fleece was white as snow," her boobs would begin to grow. The next day she was on a bus and remembered she forgot to do the chant. She began to secretly do it, and while she was doing it, a gentleman turned around and asked her if she went to Dr. Jones. She then asked why? He replied with a hand motion moving up and down chanting, "Hickory, Dickory, Dock."

• An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth control pills. Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."

• Q: Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip?
  A: To get to the same side.

• "Housework won't kill you, but then again why take the chance?" — Phyllis Diller

• A guy accidentally dropped $2 in the toilet and thought, "It's not worth putting my hand in the toilet for only $2," so then he dropped a $50 bill in the toilet on purpose and thought, "It is worth it to put my hand in there now for $52."

• Q: Did your hear about the man with no arms and no legs who swam across a swimming pool?
  A: They call him clever dick.

• Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
  A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

• If you think nobody cares you are alive, try missing a couple of payments.

• Q: What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? A: 100 people who don't do dick.

• Always keep your picture in your pocket
  u know why???
  whenever u face any problem just
  see your picture & say 3 times
  “If i can face this,i can face anything”

  Submitted by preet.

• Q: What do you call a noodle that commits identity theft?
  A: An impasta!

• Q: What do you call a Mexican baby? A: A paragraph because it's too small to be an essay.

• Q: What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
  A: A pool table.

• Q: Did you hear about that mathematician with constipation? A: He worked it out with a pencil.

• How do you get on television? You sit on it!

• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

• A guy was at a bar and needed to fart. He decided the music was so loud that he just went for it and timed his farts to the beat of the music. After he relieved himself he looked up to see everyone staring at him. Than he realized that he was listening to his iPod.

• A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind in here!" the mushroom said, "Why not? I'm a Fun-GI!

• There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

• Q: What did the curtain say to the floor?
  A: Stop looking under my skirt!

• Q: Where do you find the news about dead sluts? A: In the Hoebituaries.

• Knock, knock!
  Who's there?
  Repeat.
  Repeat who?
  Okay, who who who who who who...

• Q: What did the triangle say to the circle? A: "You're pointless!"

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Madame.
  Madame who?
  Madame foot is caught in the door!

• You might be a redneck if your house has more wheels then your car.

• Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."

• The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher says, "Of course not Johnny." To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants."

• What's cold, blue, and grabbing at your leg? A homesick abortion...

• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

• There are 3 types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

• The "Buffolo Theory" of beer. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so good for you!

• A doctor walks into a room full of patients at a mental institution, takes out a pen, and draws a door on the wall. He then tells all the patients that whoever wants to escape, should use that door. Immediately they all rush towards it, but of course cannot go through. However, one patient sits still in the back with a smile on his face. He has not moved at all. The doctor thinks he must be cured. He then asks the patient why he did not rush to the door, and the patient whispers, "They don't know that I'm the one who has the key."

• A guy walks into Home Depot and states to the iilliterate worker, "I want to get grout and amonia." The worker says, "You'll have to gain 50 pounds and sleep with the window open."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Who.
  Who who?
  Hey, are you an owl?

• If a midget comes up to you and says your hair smells good, is that considered sexual harassment?

• You're riding a horse at full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you, and a lion behind you! What do you do? You get off the carousel

• Santa, standing on a railway platform, suddenly runs and stands on the tracks.
  Banta: "Santa, move out of the way! The train is arriving!"
  Santa: "Haven't you heard the announcement that the train is arriving on the platform?"

• A guy walks into a bar, and breaks his nose!!!

• A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve lunch here."

• A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his one to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four." "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after, let's say 10?" "A jack."

• What's the difference between a Nazi salute and a gay guy? A 45 degree angle.

• Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?
  A: Red paint.

• Q: How do you cook toilet paper?
  A: First you brown it. Then you throw it in the pot.

• A guy at a bar says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 I can pee in that cup all the way over there at the end of the bar." The bartender agrees, so the guy whips it out and he pees all over the bar. Having just won $1,000, the bartender starts smiling. The guy goes over to a table where his friends are seating and collects a bunch of money from them. He walks back to the bar, gives the bartender his $1,000, and then starts laughing. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The guy says, "Before I bet you, I bet all of my friends over there $2,000 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would be happy about it!"

• Life is like a jar of jalepenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

• A man got in a car accident with a dwarf, who got out of his car and said, "I'm not happy!" The man replied, "Well, which one are you?"

• A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

• An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

• Q: Why did the fish blush?
  A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

• What is so great about being a test tube baby? You get a womb with a view.

• There are two muffins in an oven. The muffin on the left turns to the other and says, "Man, it's getting hot in here." The one on the right then says, "Holy sh*t, a talking muffin!"

• You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."

• 10 Facts About You:
  1. You're reading this now.
  2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
  4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
  5. You're checking now.
  6. You're smiling.
  7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
  9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
  10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
  11. You're enjoying this.
  12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

• Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

• Q: What is the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
  A: The skid marks in front of the skunk.

• Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog?

• How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna ride a bike?

• I like escalators because they can never break, they can only become stairs. You should never see a sign next to an escalator that says, "Escaltor Temporarily Out of Service." Just a sign that says, "Escalator Temporarily Stairs, Sorry for the Inconvenience."

• A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
  Boy: Why do you look so fat?
  Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
  Boy: Is it a good baby?
  Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
  Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

• A priest, a nun and a hooker walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

• I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, now it’s a Ford Focus.

• Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
  A: "Breathe, stupid!"

• Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

• A guy walks into a bar with a 10 foot long alligator. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that animal outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'll get sued." The guy says, "No no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth, zips up his pants, and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

• A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

• A man walk into a bar and says, "Give me something to drink just no vodka." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies, "Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says, "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much. The man says, "No, Chunks is my dog."

• Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
  A: You can see right through them.

• How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark!

• Q: Can a match box?
  A: No, but a tin can.

• Q: How do you put an elephant into a Safeway bag?
  A: You take the "f" out of safe & the "f" out of way- wait, there's no "f" in way!

• Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
  A: A brick.

• Little Johnny walked in on his parents and saw them doing it. He asked his dad what he was doing to his mom. His dad said, "Go back to sleep, we're making you a little brother." In the morning, the dad was walking to his car when he saw Johnny banging the exhaust pipe and asked Johnny what he was doing. Johnny said, "I'm making myself a little car."

• There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

• Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
  A: The letter "m."

• Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children. One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby. Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets." The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

• At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.
  
  The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.
  
  The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
  "On my way through desert sand
  Met a lonely caravan
  Men on camels, two by two
  Destination: Timbuktu."
  
  The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!
  
  The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?
  
  No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
  "Me and Tim to Brisbane went
  Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
  They were three and we were two,
  So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

• Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?” The German responds, “I will take oil!” They put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished, the German has huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?” “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American. “I'll take the Mexican.”

• A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

• Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

• Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
  A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

• Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was!" The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

• "We've all got to get our own whatever we are doing."-Jamie Masada

• A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall, he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going up. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" The man replies, "No, you know anything about dynamite?"

• The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
  
  Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"
  
  Farmer: "That's right."
  
  Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
  
  Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say."

• A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so the man ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"

• What does a hooker call the morning after pill? Breakfast in bed.

• A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

• Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.

• While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist’s boat capsized. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the capsized craft. Finally spotting a beachcomber on the shore, he shouted out to him, “Hey, are there any ‘gators around here?”

  “Nope,” the man yelled back. “Ain’t been any ‘gators ’round these parts for years!”

  Feeling more at ease, the tourist commenced swimming leisurely towards shore.

  When he was about halfway there, he shouted out to the beachcomber again, “How’d you get rid of the ‘gators?”

  “Oh, we didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber yelled back. “The sharks got every last one of ‘em!”

  Submitted by cris.

• Some people say, "If you can't beat them, join them." I say, "If you can't beat them, beat them," because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

• Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
  A: Because he could never lie.

• Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

• Three dead men go to hell at the same time. There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hell. The Mexican man gets a glass soda bottle, farts into it, closes the lid, pokes many holes in the lid, and asks Satan which hole the fart came from. After pointing to every hole on the lid, the Mexican turns around, points at his butt hole, and says, "Nope, this one."

• Q: Why did the athlete put his steak on top of the fridge?
  A: Because he was on a high protein diet.

• A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

• Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says, "I will grant you one weapon with which to kill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins." The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies. The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says, "Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"

• Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic."
  Step 2: Plug it into your computer.
  Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel.
  Step 4: Feel like a hero.

• Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?
  A: Because they grew out of their B shells.

• What's brown and sticky?A stick!

• Student: "Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"
  Teacher: "No."
  Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

• Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % sure you'll stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
  A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.

• Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
  A: There’s no menu; you get what you deserve.

• How many Emos does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, cuz they are all crying in the dark.

• Flowers die,
  Stories end,
  Songs fade,
  Memories are forgotten,
  All things come 2 end,
  But people like u r remembered forever,
  Bcoz GHOSTS NEVER DIE

  LOL!!!!!

  Submitted by preet.

• After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office and said, "Kevin, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm sorry to tell you that the man you saved later hung himself." "He didn't hang himself," Kevin replied, "I hung him up to dry."

• Two guys are outside of a bathhouse. One guy says, "Did you take a bath?" The other guy says, "No, I think you're supposed to leave them inside."

• Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Ach.
  Ach who?
  Bless you! Need a tissue?

• This is how you know you're really drunk - when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

• My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible.

• Every time I lose weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

• Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
  A: To get to the body shop.

• A very good magician has hypnotised an entire audience. He has them under his complete control and they are willing do whatever he tells them to do. Unfortunately, at the vital moment, he trips over the microphone cord, lands on his ass and says, "Shit!"

• Two guys are at a bar on the roof of a hotel. One guy says to the other guy, "I'll bet you a beer that I can jump off this building, let this wind take me all the way around this building, and I'll land back up here." The other guy says, "You're on." The first guy jumps and, sure enough, he goes around the building and lands back on the roof. "You owe me a beer," he says. He goes on to perform the trick several more times, collecting free beers, until the second guy decides he's going to try it too. He stands on the edge, looking forward to a free beer from the first man, and jumps off, dying when he slams into the pavement below. The bartender says to the first man, "You sure are an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

• I made a terrible mistake the other night by renting a Tyler Perry movie. It was so bad that Blockbuster called me the next day and offered me $20 just to keep it forever.

• A mentally challenged man walks up to this guy and asks, "Can you help me? I'm trying to spell the word 'orange.'" The guy responds, "What a retard, didn't your mom teach you?" The man answers, "No." "Ever?" says the guy. "No," responds the mentally challenged man. The guy responds, "Okay, which one are you trying to spell, the color or the fruit?"

• Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Daisy.
  Daisy who?
  Daisy me rollin', they hatin'.

• Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?
  A: Bernadette.

• Q: When is a door sweet and tasty?A: When it’s jammed!

• What is the difference between a yoga instructor and a torcherer? The torcherer apologizes first.

• This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

  Submitted by preet.

• During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

• Don’t give importance to money..cos it can give u
  bed but not SLEEP,
  books but not BRAIN,
  cloth but not BEAUTY,
  luxuries but not HAPPINESS,
  SO
  transfer it to my account

  Submitted by preet.

• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

• An old lady was knitting & speeding down the highway. A cop pulled up alongside her vehicle & yelled, "Pull over!" She yelled back, "No, they're mittens!"

• "My brother likes to brag about the size of his penis which doesn't bother me, I just wish he wouldn't rub it in my face."

• Q: What's the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll gets before leaving the factory? A: Two test tickles.

• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, "No change yet."

• Q: Why did the zombie go to the music store? A: He wanted to buy some organs.

• Q: Imagine you're trapped in a box. There aren't any holes are objects in it besides you. How do you get out?
  A: Stop imagining!

• A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.

• I got in a fight one time with a really big tough guy who said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

• It's been getting bad out there. College grads are unemployed and can't get work. I saw a college grad selling their MA degree on eBay.

• Q: Why didn't the paraplegic look in the mirror?
  A: He couldn't stand to see himself like that.

• When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells good.

• Grew up thinking I was stuck with the face I was born with; at 30 the beauty consultants at Macy's told me I would get the face I deserved; moved to LA and discovered I'd get the face I could afford!

• Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
  A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

• My cousin is BFNR which means, big for no reason!

• If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

• Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
  Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
  Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

• A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!”

• If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

• Life is good when I can afford to buy recycled toilet paper.

• A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

• Chuck Norris is only afraid of one man! A man so crazy the crazy house won't take him! A man so tough when you look at him you get a bruise! A man so strong the Hulk and Superman lost to him in an arm wrestling match! And he is the only man to give Freddy Kruger nightmares! Who is this mystery man? Well some say he is a myth, some say he's a legend and some say he doesn't even exist. He is none other than Chuck Norris' reflection!

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
  Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"

• I think I killed my best friend. He asked me what was the best thing for sunburn and I told him, "Sit in the sun for eight hours."

• Q: What do you call a vegan with diarrhea?
  A: A salad shooter.

• Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool. One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. "Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor said to the patient, "You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today." The patient replied, "He didn't hang himself; I hung him there to dry."

• An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

• Fuddy: "I can't believe they are still together after all the shit they have been through!"
  Duddy: "Who?"
  Fuddy: "My butt cheeks."

• I have a mind like a steel trap, which can be dangerous.Every time I get an idea, it snaps my neck and swallows my face.

• A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunk dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk dude walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what, Dad? Go home!"

• If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.

• Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer? Because the grass tickles their balls.

• One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

• Why did the little boy bury his flashlight? Because the batteries died.

• A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

• What did one tonsil say to the other?Fix yourself up, the doctor is taking us out today.

• Boudreaux and Thibodeaux was friends. One day, Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux driving a brand new Ford. He said, "Thibodeaux, where'd you get that new truck? You don't have no job." Tibodeaux said, "You know Mrs. Patty? She's been sweet on me for quite some time. Today, she took me out into the woods in this here truck. She got out the truck, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Thibodeaux, take what you want.' So I took the truck." Boudreaux said, "Well dats good for you Thibodeaux, because her clothes would never fit you."

• Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
  A: Envelope.

• Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
  A: "I got you covered."

• Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
  A: Because it’s pointless!

• A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $5. The girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it."

• Dad: "Say 'daddy.'"
  Baby: "Mommy!"
  Dad: "Come on, say 'daddy!'"
  Baby: "Mommy!"
  Dad: "F*ck you. Say 'daddy!'"
  Baby: "F*ck you. Mommy!"
  Mom: "Honey, I'm home!"
  Baby: "F*ck you!"
  Mom: "Who taught you to say that?"
  Baby: "Daddy!"
  Dad: "Son of a b*tch."

• One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you. - the late George Carlin

• Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

• I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs. He comes over and says to me, "My dog says you have weed in the car." I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!"

• Q: Who was the smallest man in the Bible?
  A: King David because he was only 12 inches tall as he was a ruler.

• Q: What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?
  A: "Supplies!"

• A: "Why are you late?"
  B: "There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill."
  A: "That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?"
  B: "No, I was standing on it."

• A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer...and a mop.

• My maid is a commercial cleaner. She only cleans during commercials.

• Little Red Riding Hood was walking around in the forest with her basket and suddenly in the distance she sees the Big Bad Wolf. Little Red Riding Hood went up to the wolf and said, "Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such little eyes?" she asked. He responded, "Oh go away you! I'm taking a poop!"

• I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

• A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

• The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.''I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'Mynipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.''I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

• A guy riding on a motorcycle was wearing a tee-shirt. The back of his shirt says, "If you can read this the b*tch fell off."

• Q: What would George Washington be doing if he were alive? A: Terrified, screaming in his coffin.

• A young man walks up to his granny and asks her, "Granny, have you seen my pills? They're marked LSD." She replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!?"

• A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

• Roses are red.
  Violets are blue.
  I have five fingers.
  The middle one is for you.

• Q: What's green and has wheels?
  A: Grass, I was lying about the wheels.

• Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. Both scared, they pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill and says, "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."

• Q: What do you give a guy with a machete for his birthday?
  A: I don't know. Just hope he likes it.

• There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

• What's green and laughs at you while riding away? A Leprechaun on a race horse!

• I was recently charged with domestic violence and I won. It's safe to say I beat that. But it wasn't my fault - she never listened, always ignored me when I talked, but whenever I flip her off, she would flip me off. That's the last time I date a deaf girl...

• Fun fact: If you cut off all your body hair and laid it end to end you'd be a fucking weirdo.

• 1 day devil came in my dream & askd me the contact no. Of an HONEST persn I gave him ur no. But he refused & said sorry i cant disturb my BOSS…..
  *******************************

  News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo… 1 was caught watching tv… another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt!!!
  *******************************

  Son, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
  Father: Very long!!!!!
  *******************************

  If I was an artist,
  you would be my picture!
  If I was a poet,
  you would be my inspiration!
  If I was an author you would be my story!
  But I’m only a cartoonist!
  *******************************

  Human brain is the most
  outstanding object in world.
  It functions 24 hours a day,
  365 days a year.
  It functions right from the time we are born,
  and stop only when we enter the examination hall.
  *******************************

  Submitted by preet.

• A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should try it sometime." Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

• Why did the penny jump off the building and the dime didn't? Because it made more cents!

• So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

• A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

• We will now upgrade ur brain,please wait…..

  Searching…
  searching…
  still searching….
  sorry,NO BRAIN found…!
  Upgradation not possible

  Submitted by preet.

• Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
  A: Spare ribs!

• A man walks into a bar and sees a pianist, who is only one foot tall, playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?" The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want." The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head. The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!" And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

• Q: Why did the painting go to jail?
  A: It was framed.

• A man is at the bar, blind drunk. Some of the customers decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the floor and drag him out of the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car, and he falls down four more times. They ring the doorbell and a woman answers. “Here’s your husband!” “Thanks,” says the man’s wife. “What did you do with his wheelchair?”

• Q: Why did the reporter rush into the ice cream shop?
  A: He was looking for a scoop.

• Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

• A wife saw her husband weight himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said, "You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies, "Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale."

• Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
  A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

• Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
  A: "Odor in the court!"

• Chuck Norris' daughter lost her virginity. He got it back.

• Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
  Patient: “I am 60!”
  Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

• You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  I eat mop
  I eat mop who?
  Hah! You said, "I eat ma poo!"

• Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
  A: "You're too young to smoke."

• Did you hear about the dyslexic traffic cop who spent the weekend handing out IUD's?

• Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
  Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

• Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
  A: Because Donald ducked!

• A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

• A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?" The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

• An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"

• What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
  The taste.

• Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"

• Pedro lives in an orphanage. One day Pedro is heading towards town with his hands claped together, when the padre who runs this orphanage asks Pedro, "What do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Pedro replies, "Father, I have horseflies and I am going to town to get horses." Sure enough later Pedro comes back with two beautiful Arabians. Next day Pedro walks past the priest again with the same question, "Pedro, what do you have in your hand and where are you going?" Pedro replies once again, "Father I have butter and I am going to town to get butterflies." Sure enough Pedro returns with beautiful monarch butterflies. The very next day Pedro is headed towards town once again when the Priest asks the same question, "Pedro what do you have in your hands and where are you going?" Again Pedro replies, "Father I have Pussy willows-" "Wait, Pedro!" says the Priest, "I'll go with you!!"

• The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?

• A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

• Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
  A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

• Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
  Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

• An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

• Q: What can only be used after it is broken?
  A: An egg.

• Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Shelby.
  Shelby who?
  Shelby comin' around the mountain when she comes!

• An American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?” “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

• Two doctors are on a golf course at the tenth hole. One of them looks up in the trees and sees an owl asleep on a branch. One doctor says to the other, "I'll bet you $100 I can give that owl a vasectomy and that owl won't even wake up." The other doctor says, "You've got a bet." The first doctor climbs up the tree, does the operation, and comes down from the tree. The owl never wakes up. The second doctor, not to be outdone, says, "I bet you the same that I can give that owl a tonsillectomy and he won't wake up." The second doctor climbs up the tree, does his operation, and the owl never wakes up. An hour later, the owl wakes up, flies to another tree, sees another owl and tells him, "Whatever you do, don't fall asleep in that tree by the tenth hole, because when I woke up after a nap, I couldn't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot!"

• Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Iva.
  Iva who?
  I'va sore hand from knocking. Let me in!

• Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.

• Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary?
  A: It runs in your genes.

• An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a pothead all die and go to Hell. Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them, "I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from Earth, and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods." Satan first approaches the alcoholic, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the alcoholic responds, "I want the finest brew, wine, and liquor you can get me." Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine, and of course the purest grain alcohol. There is each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste, a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, "Whooa Hoo!" in excitement, and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it. Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the sex addict responds, "Women! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!" Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge breasts, some with small breasts, some with big asses, and some with small asses, some tall with never ending legs, and some short, some have tight p*ssies and some have shaved p*ssies. All of the women are hot, naked, and very horny. The sex addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks, "What is it that you would like to have?" to which the pothead responds, "Well, that's easy! I want the best pot you got." Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pothead was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style, with his legs crossed, took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan looked at him curiously, shut the door and locked it. 100 years pass. Satan returns to the first room, remembering the alcoholic, unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked, covered in his own vomit and shit, screaming "Help!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!" Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.Satan then returns to the second room, remembering the sex addict, unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very, very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door, and locks it.Satan finally arrives at the third and final room, remembering the pothead, unlocks, and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan's evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched, just as dank as the day he left them. Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. So Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, "What's wrong?" A tear rolls down the pothead's cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies, "Got a light, man?"

• A group of retirees are on a bus trip when an old lady comes up to the driver and complains about being molested. The driver wonders who would want to molest her, and so tells her to go back and sit down. Later, another old woman approaches and complains about molestation, and the driver tells her to go back and sit. A third old lady screams and so this time the driver goes to investigate. He finds an old man on his hands and knees, and so he asks him what he's doing. The old man says, "I'm trying to grab my toupee. Each time I grab it, it jumps and runs away screaming."

• Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old. The first one says, "I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a poop." The second one says, "Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to pee." The third one says, "I take a nice poop at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice pee." The other two guys look at him and ask, "What are you complaining about?" The third man explains, "I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."

• Q: What kind of tea do infants drink? A: Tit-tea.

• Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

• A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
  The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

• I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, "You're next." So I started doing the same to them at funerals, "You're next."

• When I was single I had this old aunt that use to come up to me at family weddings and poke me in the ribs and say, "You’re next." She stopped after I did the same to her at a funeral.

• This man walks into a bar. He sits on a bar stool & says to the bartender, "Hey jackass, bring me a shot." The bartender brings him a shot. The man slams it down & yells again, "Hey jackass, bring me another shot," and gets up to go to the bathroom. While the man is gone, another guy sitting at the bar asks the bartender, "Why do you let him call you that?" The bartender responds, "He aw- He aw- He always calls me that."

• How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"

• A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

• Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins." "That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets." The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"

• Q: have you guys ever heard of the Italian chef?A: he pasta way.....we cannoli do so much,he was here today and gone tomato.

• During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

• It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

• How to dodge a ticket: if you get caught in the carpool lane by yourself, just tell the cop you're schizophrenic.

• Q: What gets longer when pulled, fits nicely between boobs, inserts perfectly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
  A: A seatbelt.

• Why do Russian cars never work?
  
  Baecause they are always Stalin.

• Q: What's the best way to avoid second hand smoke? A: Never switch hands after you light it.

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Boo.
  Boo who?
  Don't cry. It's only a joke.

• Why do autopsies always have to be "performed"? You'd think under the circumstances they could do without the big production.

• A little boy gets a toy plane. The boy loves his plane. He flies it all over the house. One day, the boy is in the living room with his plane while his mom is in the kitchen washing dishes. She listens to the boy playing and hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you mother fucking people want to get on, get on. All you mother fucking people want to get off, get off." Angry, his mom rushes into the living room, takes the plane away, and sends him into his room. After 15 minutes, she starts to feel bad and tells the boy, "If you don't use that kind of language, you can play with your plane." The boy returns to the living room, his mom to the kitchen. She listens again to the boy playing, she hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you very nice people want to get on, get on. All you very nice people want to get off, get off. If you have a problem with 15 minute delay, you can go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

• A vampire walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "A cup of boiling water, please." The bartender, confused and scared, walks up with the water and says, "I thought vampires drank blood..." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, it's tea time."

• A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

• What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You already told her twice!

• Q: How do you make holy water?
  A: Boil the hell out of it.

• Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
  A: You don't bury survivors.

• A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel?"The pirate says, "Arrrr! It drives me nuts!"

• Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?" The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

• Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town." The old man says, "We're from Nebraska." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska." The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

• Harry, Mary, and Dick are great friends. One day, they discover a magical fence. You can jump over it, say what you want to be, and it will transform you into it. Mary walks off to go to the bathroom. Harry jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a mailman." So he turns into a mailman. Dick jumps over the fence and says, "I want to be a whale." So he turns into a whale. Mary returns from the bathroom and doesn't recognize her friends. She decides to go looking for them. Mary jumps over the fence asking, "Harry? Dick?" And she turns into hairy dick.

• Don't trust atoms. They make up everything.

• Q: What did the astronaut say when he wanted to be alone? A: "Give me some space!"

• A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you." "Okay," replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, "I'll have Coco Pops, bitch." *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, "And what do you want?" "Dunno," he replies, "But it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

• Q: What's Barney's favorite movie?
  A: The Color Purple.

• A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

• Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

• It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

• Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

• A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too." "Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

• There once was a Realtor named Hall
  With a hexahedronical ball.
  The cube of its weight
  Plus his pecker times eight
  Is his phone number. Give him a call!

• A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has, getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

• A midget with a lisp goes to a farmer to buy a horse. He looks over the horse to inspect it, and says to the farmer, "I'd like to sthee its teeth." So the farmer picks him up to give him a view of the teeth. Then, the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its ears." Again, the farmer picks him up to view the horses ears. Then the midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." "Excuse me?" says the farmer. The midget says, "I'd like to sthee its twat." So the farmer picks him up and shoves his head up the horse's twat. The midget's legs are flailing violently, and he’s screaming in there, so the farmer pulls him out and puts him down. The midget looks at the farmer and says, "I think I'll rephrase that, I'd like to sthee it run."

• Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
  Student: "Meat!"
  Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
  Student: "Bacon!"
  Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
  Student: "Homework!"

• A teacher asked three students what causes war. The first student said, "Knives." The second one said, "Guns." The third one drew a dot on the board. The teacher asked, "What's that?" The student replied, "A period." The teacher asked "How does a period cause war?" The student replied, "If my sister misses one, my mom will kill her."

• A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water.''

• Q: What does a vegan zombie eat?
  A: Graaaiiiiinnnssss.

• Did you know if you were to stretch your blood vessels out end to end in a straight line, you would die?

• Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?Cuz it had no guts

• Q: Which two letters in the alphabet are always jealous?
  A: NV.

• Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
  A: He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

• A three-foot tall dwarf walks into a bar and slips over on a pile of poop. Minutes later a huge tough guy walks into the bar and slips over on the pile of poop, the dwarf says to the big guy, "I just did that," and the big guy punches the dwarf in the face.

• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

• A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

• Q: What makes a pool table laugh?
  A: Reach in its pockets and tickle its balls.

• Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

• Brunette: "Where were you born?"
  Blonde: "California."
  Brunette: "Which part?"
  Blonde: "All of me."

• Being smart is a great tool for knowing how to make big achievements. But sometimes, playing dumb will move things along a bit.

• Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven."
  Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven."
  Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Six."
  Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven!"
  Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
  Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

• It takes only one egomaniac to screw in a light bulb, because the egomaniac can hold the bulb, and the rest of the world will naturally revolve around him.

• Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.Maria: This is it.Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?Class: Maria did.

• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says to the second, "I think I've lost an electron." The second replies, "Are you sure?" to which the first retorts, "Yes, I'm positive."

• Signs you might be a redneck: You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.

• The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”

  Sartre replied, “Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream”.

  Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream — how about with no milk?”

  Submitted by vijay.

• A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me five shots of your best scotch!" The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink!" says the bartender. "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies, "50 cents."

• What runs but never walks?Water.

• Q: How did Hitler tie his shoes?
  A: In little Nazis.

• What is the height of Mixed Emotion?
  Your Mother-In-Law Falls from 7th Floor on your brand new Mercedes & you don’t know whether to laugh or cry…

  Submitted by preet.

• Q: What do you call a doll on fire?
  A: A Barbie-Q.

• Knock Knock!
  Who’s there?
  Doris!
  Doris who?
  Doris locked that’s why I am knocking!

• Bob: "Have you seen the movie Constipation?"
  Jim: "No, it hasn't come out yet."

• Museum Administrator: That’s a 500 year old statue you have broken.
  Blonde: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

  Submitted by preet.

• A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What???" and starts crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."

• A giraffe walks into a bar, looks around, and says, "Well guys, I guess the highballs are on me!"

• Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
  A: To prove he wasn't chicken.

• Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
  A: Open-toad!

• Once there was a farmer that was very protective of his three daughters. When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun. The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go. The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go. Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.

• Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to granny’s, when she spots the wolf crouched behind a tree. “My, Mr. Wolf, what big paws you have,” she begins, but the wolf runs off. Further down the path she sees the wolf crouched behind a rock and she stares in, “My, Mr. Wolf, what big teeth you have.” The wolf stands up and runs away. Finally at granny’s, Red sees the wolf peeking around from the backyard and she pipes up, “My Mr. Wolf,” to which the wolf yells, “Would you f*ck off, I’m trying to take a sh*t!”

• A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Abby.
  Abby who?
  Abby birthday!

• A drunk appears in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started!"

• A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

• Why do I need to tell a joke to register as a sex offender? Wait. Where am I?

• Times are getting better. I used to sleep in my 2 door sedan; now I sleep in a van!

• Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

• A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"
  

• What's black, white, and red all over?A nun falling down the stairs.

• Chuck Norris got bit by a snake. After a few days of pain, the snake died.

• A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is. The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves. He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet. One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it. The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!"

• Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
  A: "Nobody's perfect!"

• The Lone Ranger and Tonto were hunting buffalo one day to no avail. Tonto jumps off his horse, puts his ear to ground and says, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger asks, "How do you know that?" Tonto replies, "Ear sticky."

• One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

• 20 years I've been eating outta cereal boxes, and you gotta give it to em'. They stayed firm and refused to move with the times. I mean they know the resealable ziplock bag exists, but they've never backed down. No matter how many times the fold-in top rips or the plastic bag tears on the wrong edge, they say "No innovation, we say no!"

• Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Boo.
  Boo who?
  Stop crying, you little baby.

• Bob and Jim were at the bar. Jim says, "Ya know what, Bob? I want to go back to school. I want to have an education!" So Jim goes back to school. When he meets the headmaster, the headmaster says, "You will be learning the four basic categories: English, math, science, and logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "Whats that?" The headmaster says, "Well, do you have a lawnmower?" Jim says, "Ya, I do have a lawnmower!" "Well logically, you must have a yard." "I do have a yard!" "Then logically, you must have a house." "I do have a house!" Well logically, you must have a wife." "I do have a wife!" "Then logically, you must be heterosexual." "I am hetreosexual!" And so Jim learns all about logic and at the end of the day he goes to the bar and sees Bob again. "Hey Jim!" Bob says. Bob wanted to know what Jim learned. "I learned all about English, math, science, and logic." "Logic?" Bob asks. "What's that?" So Jim tells Bob everything the headmaster said. "But what if you don't own a lawnmower?" Bob asks. "Well then you're gay."

• For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You dont know Jack Sh*t." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Sh*t is the only son of Awe Sh*t, who married O Sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep 'N Sh*t, Inc. In turn, Jack Sh*t married No Sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t married Lotta Sh*t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Sh*t. Fulla Sh*t and Giva Sh*t married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Sh*t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Sh*t!

• Yo pops plucked a razor bump and a whole wig came out.

• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

• Q: Why is a river rich? A: Because it has two banks.

• Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
  A: An instagram.

• A drunk staggers out of a bar and lets go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door. The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this woman!" The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."

• A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

• Q: Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
  A: Because it was rated Rrrrr.

• Q: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? A: It got stuck in a crack.

• When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

• Johnny was playing outside when he had to go to the bathroom. He runs inside his house and his grandma was in the bathroom naked about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.” The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because its tongue is hanging out.”

• What did the zero say to the eight? I like your belt!

• Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
  A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

• A film crew was filming in the highlands in Scotland when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by and said, "Tomorrow rain," and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past and said, "Tomorrow sunshine." It was indeed a fine sunny day the next day. The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy and said, "Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.

• At a wedding party recently, someone yelled, "All the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living!" The bartender was crushed to death.

• A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

• A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

• Q: Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
  A: Because freedom rings!

• What do you give a man with an artificial heart? Three weeks.

• There once was a man named Sweeney.
  He spilled some gin on his weenie.
  That being uncouth,
  He dipped it in vermouth,
  And slipped his wife a dry martini.

• Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

• Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
  A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

• The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. The cops have nothing to go on.

• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

• A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.

• A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

• Did you know that my typewriter is pregnant? No, it is? Yup, it skipped a period.

• Q: Why did George Byron suffer from arthritis? A: Because he was such a rheumantic.

• Once god came up to me & granted me a wish. I asked for “world peace”.
  That’s impossible, he said.
  Then I asked him to give you brains.
  He said “Let me try world peace”

  Submitted by preet.

• A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, when he stopped and said, "I object, your honor! One of the jurors is asleep." The Judge ruled, "You put him to sleep, so you wake him up."

• Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
  Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
  Kid 1: "As if."
  Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
  Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
  Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

• Knock Knock.
  Who's there?
  Olive.
  Olive who?
  Olive you!

• Roses are red, Violets are blue. I am schizophrenic and so am I.

• Clairvoyant's house:
  "Who's there?"
  Knock, knock.

• One day a farmer wakes up to go check on his cheese cow. He walks up and finds her dead in the grass. The man is so upset he kills himself. Then his wife wakes up. She finds her husband dead and goes to the lake and kills herself. Next the first son wakes up and notices everybody is dead. He goes down to the river and sees a mermaid. She swims up to him and says, "Having a bad day, huh? I'll tell you what. If you make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life. But if you don't, I will kill you." He tries to do it, but doesn't make it. She kills him. Then the second son wakes up and after seeing his dead parents, also goes to the river where he sees his dead brother. The same mermaid swims up and tells him what she told his brother. He asks, "If I make love to you 20 times, what will you do?" She tells him, "If you are able to perform 20 times in a row, I will bring everyone back and make you the richest man alive." He then asks, "Well if I do it 20 times in a row, what's stopping you from dying? That's what happened to the cow."

• It is 2:00 am. There are a half dozen empty vodka bottles lying on the dimly-lit street. Two men standing in the middle of street have been arguing that the other man is more drunk. Finally, one man said to the other, “If you are not drunk, then climb up this column," pointing to the vertical beam of light that the flashlight in this right hand makes. Thinking a bit, the other man stuttered, “I am not that stupid. If I climb up to the top and you turn off the light, I will surely fall to my death!”

• Q: Why can't a ball catch a cold?
  A: Because it flu by too quick.

• Q: Why is the letter B very cool?
  A: Because it's sitting in the AC.

• Q: What do eggs do for fun?
  A: Karayolke (karaoke).

• Sometimes it's tough to tell who your real friends are throughout life. A good friend will come bail you out of jail. A great friend will be sitting in the jail cell with you saying, "That was fun!"

• 1. At least one of the identical twins born is evil.

  2. While defusing a bomb,don’t worry which wire to cut,you will always choose the right one.

  3. A police can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty.

  4. A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up but will show pain when a woman is trying to clean his wound.

  5. If you decide to start dancing on street,everyone you meet will know the step.

• A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai Hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?”God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction, and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation, and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?”God replied, “Shirley! I’m sorry but I didn’t recognize you!”

• Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name is Randy.

• In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

• Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
  Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
  Sparsh: "PHD."
  Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
  Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

• Fred: "Why do elephants wear red nail polish?"
  Bob: "I don't know, why?"
  Fred: "To hide in cherry trees."
  Bob: "But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree."
  Fred: "See, it works."

• In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

• Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

• I work at a local fast food joint. It cracks me up when a fat ass customer orders a quadruple stacked cheeseburger, with extra sauce, a ton of extras, extra large fries with extra sauce, and then orders a small diet coke.

• I think it's ironic that the principles from "The Wealth of Nations" is bank robbing our society.

• Boyfriend: "ILY."
  Girlfriend: "Can you please say the words? It makes it better."
  Boyfriend: "I'm leaving you."

• A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff. An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely. The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, "Pillows!" She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom. The redhead goes next. She jumps and says "Feathers!" She lands on a mass of feathers below. The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, "Shit!" as she falls off.

• Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

  Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.

  Submitted by unni.

• Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
  Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
  Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

• Q: What is tall when it is young and short when it is old?
  A: A candle.

• You might be a redneck if your home has more miles on it than your car.

• The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A cowboy goes down to the stable, lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole. Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I've got chapped lips." The other cowboy asks, "Does that help?" "Nope," he answers, "It just keeps me from licking them."

• Have you ever noticed how humans are a lot like lemmings? Try standing at a crosswalk, and then before the light even turns green, take a step and see how many people actually step out along with you. And how when you are waiting with a crowd outside a locked business, there is always one person that comes along, pushes through the crowd and tries the locked door. As if everyone was just standing there for fun! Come on people!

• Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
  A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.

• JOHN: "I didn't use a recipe for the casserole; I made it from scratch off the top of my head!"BOB: "I thought I tasted dandruff."

• Q: Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
  A: They taste funny.

• Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

• Gasoline is so overpriced right now, ExxonMobil just changed the names of their three grades of gas to Tall, Grande, and Venti!

• There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

• A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!" The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty," says the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!" At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?" He replies, "He is my next door neighbor." The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments." The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"

• I walked into the antique store and said, "What's new?"

• An extremely obese man with severe stomach pains goes to see a doctor. He can hardly stand, the pain is so bad. After an examination, the doctor is holding the x-rays and asks, "Did you at one time swallow a bullet?" The man answers, "Swallow a bullet? Of course not!" The doctor replies, "Well then, I'm afraid you've been shot!"

• Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? A: Bingo!

• Q: Why did the house go to the doctor?
  A: It was having window pains.

• A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!” “Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

• Q: What does half of an apple look like?
  A: The other half.

• PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

• An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo. A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

• I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.

• Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.

• On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.
  Telugu Guy: ‘Hello, May I know your name please?’
  James Bond: ‘My name is Bond’ Continuing in his inimitable
  Style,…… James Bond.’
  Then Bond asks: ‘And you?’

  Telugu Guy:
  ‘My name is Rao…
  Siva Rao…
  Samba Siva Rao…
  Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
  Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
  Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao……..
  Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
  Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…’

  Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says ‘James Bond’

  Submitted by unni.

• A farmer wrote a letter to his son in jail for robbing a bank: “This year, I can’t plant potatoes because you are not here to plow the field." The son wrote back, “Papa, don’t dare plow the field. That is where I hid the money I stole.” The police intercepted the letter and by the next day they'd dug up the entire field but found nothing. The son wrote to his father, “Now you can plant your potatoes."

• Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

• I told my psychiatrist, "My wife sent me here because I like pancakes." She said, "Liking pancakes doesn't make you crazy. I like pancakes too." I said, "Great! Come down to the house. I got a whole basement full!"

• Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile.

• A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

• After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. "No hablo ingles."

• Friend 1: Last night i saw an English movie,it had no scenes and no sound….!!!
  Friend 2 :-what is the name of the movie..????
  Friend 1:-”no disc inserted”….!!!

  Submitted by Narotam thakur.

• Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get the faster it goes.

• A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

• Confucius says, "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted."

• Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

• There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

• One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

• On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

• Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter time. His friend's mother saw Johnny shivering, so she said, "Come here and put your hands between my thighs to warm them up." Johnny said, "My ears are cold too."

• Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
  A: Its butt.

• Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
  A: He burped 7Up.

• Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one of them turns to the other one and asks, "Hey, isn't that Hortense?" The other drunk chimes in and says, "No, she looks pretty relaxed to me."

• If beauty was a drop of water, then you would be the Atlantic Ocean.

• Are you a light switch? Because you turn me on.

• At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

• Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
  A: So they can get a better grip on the broom.