Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funnyAlways bake cookies at 320°, because 420° is too high.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you wanna have sex with me.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution
The word "Boob" is the Perfect word. The B looks like a top view of them, the 2 Os look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view. perfectly engineered!
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
CliffEverytime I do bench-press.
I press the benchSaying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.
Why don't lobsters share?
They're shellfish.Why girls prefers old gynecologist ?
Their shaky fingers.If i get 51 kickass votes i have to f*ck a hooker!
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy but loose my number and keep the baby.
Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.
Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation?
To Palm Beach.That awkward moment when you want to wear your apple bottom jeans but cant find your boots with the fur.
Q: Where do people who say "shoot" and "darn" go to?
A: HeckNote outside a laundry shop: "Drop your clothes here for best results" !!
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.Wanna Hear A Joke?
Your Love LifeHow many Mayans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they predicted it would change itself.The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Grammar:
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.If you get coffee from a coffee shop and don't put it on Instagram, did it really happen?
What do you call an octopus on drugs?
The CrackinI hate playing sports with my girlfriend. I always beat her.
After I lose.I'm allergic to haters, side effects may cause me to slap a bitch.
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
Your family tree must be a cactus, 'cause everyone on it's a prick.
How do women talk twice as fast as men? They have two sets of lips!
How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?
Take away its credit cardI had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards
Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
Q:What Does A Cannibal Call A Phone Book?
A:A Menu For DeliveryThey say nothing rhymes with orange... Lies! nothing and orange don't rhyme at all
I don't need sex, the government f*cks me everyday.
Customer: This loaf is lovely and warm!
Baker: So it should be ma’am. The cat’s been sitting on it all morning!First man: I wonder how long a person can live without a brain?
Second man: How old are you?A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit.''Dear MTV,
What the fuck happened?
Sincerely, Music.I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
I get my cereal from a tiger, insurance from a gecko, toilet paper from a bear, financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.
Q: What do you call a cow with no hind legs?
A: Ground beefI fostered a black kid the other day; hit him with all four cans
Q. What is a snake's favorite subject?
A. HissssssssstoryQ: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than "A" brA:Q: Where did Santa Claus went on his summer vacation
A: At ho ho HollandSanta saw your facebook pictures...You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
I'm sweating like a faggot at a hotdog stand.
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
I'm trying to have makeup sex but the god damn lipstick keeps breaking off inside me.
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
I swear if I didn't have a smartphone i'd be asleep 4 hours earlier every night.
With great power comes great electricity bill
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Go up a tree and act like a nut.If I had a dollar for every time someone tells me to grow up, I could build the coolest tree house ever!
Q.How is a heart like a musician?
A.They both have a beat :)I like my women like I like my salsa, Hot and Chunky
A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?There are 2 reasons never to drink toilet water. Number 1 and Number 2.
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them.
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should have been more specific.
Justin Bieber's new album is coming out.
Also coming out: Any man who buys it.I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
You guys really need to stop judging people that breast feed in public. I can raise my puppy however I want.
Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little horse.Q. Why was the employee fired from the orange juice factory?
A. He couldn't concentrate.“Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”
“Darling, of course I do.”Men are like babies... when they get cranky, just shove a nipple in their mouth!
That awkward moment when you realize that "Hakuna Matata" is the PG version of I don't give a f*ck.
Marriage is like a railroad sign… first you stop, then you look, and then you listen.
The lips on your mouth open just as wide as the ones between your legs...
Q: What can you catch but not throw?
A cold.Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove it wasn't a chicken.It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.
It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.A picture is worth a thousand hashtags.
Q. What did the fog say to the light rain after her vacation?
A. I mist you.A teacher asked students to bring old staff, 1 kid came with his grandpa
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Them I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
Q. How do you get a 1 armed Antartian out of a tree?
A. Wave to him.Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.If life doesn't scare the shit out of you, you're doing it wrong.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
Why are there no female programmers?
Because there are ladybugs.Everyone is entitled to my opinion
I love the relationship I have with my bed. No commitment and we sleep together every night.
I never make the same mistakes twice, I make it five or six times just to be sure.
Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds who can't remember the lyrics.
When I had my surgery, the doctor gave me a local anesthetic. I could not afford the imported kind.
Q: Why was the cat wearing a tuxedo?
A: He was going to the hare ball!When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome but hey, shit happens.
Q.Why did the Teacher turn on the lights?
A.The class was a bit dim!Women are like shed roofs, if you don't nail them hard enough they'll end up next door.
How come the glue dosent stick to the inside of the bottle?
What's the only thing that grows in Cleveland?
The Crime Rate.I end all my texts with <3
because my ball sack always wears a party hat.Welcome to America- Where being obese is genetics but being gay is a choice.
There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable...
I may not have an athlete's body, but I do have athlete's foot.
A skeleton walks into a bar, "I want a beer and a mop."
Q. Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested?
R. Charged With Battery!Some girl caught me staring at her boobs so I gave her 2 thumbs up. She only deserved 1 but it's the holidays and shit.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino.
A: 'elifinoPeople probably won't remember what you do or say, but they'll never forget that one time you banged a fatty.
Today I feel like a tampon.
In a good place... at the wrong time.Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
To get away from the noiseWhy did the three little pigs run away from home?
Their father was a bore!I seen the most beautiful painting at the store the other day...but then I realized it was a mirror.
A pushup bra is like a bag of chips. You open it up and its half empty.
Ah, 'Friday'... my second favorite F-word.
In university I was going to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it.
Q. What is a musical part of a turkey?
A. The drumsticksDisneyland.
The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
Which painter always had a very bad cold?
Vincent Van CoughI made a HUGE mistake… I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub she looked at me and she instantly knew I've been lying to her for years.
What kind of doctor does a duck visit?
A Ducktor.What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.Most people have a family tree. All I have is a cactus full of pricks.
I'd take Cap'n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren't on his hat.
Neighbor: Why do you allow your wife to drink so much?
Me: Ever seen how she acts sober?Marriage is nature’s way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.
That awkward part in monopoly when the board is lined with so many hotels that going to jail becomes a blessing.
Friends are like snowflakes. Pee on them and they go away.
your mouth is like a butt, when you speak shit comes out
Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?
A: A LOCOmotive.When I give advice, I tell everyone to take the high road. That way there's more room for me on the low road.
Does anyone else need to pee when Elsa sings "Let it Go"?
Ladies stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late
Q: Which way did the programmer go?
A: He went DATA way!No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.
Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is really finished.What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Lipstick.My thoughts today are like underwear. I don't have any clean ones.
The itsy bitsy spider climed up the water spout out came the gun and wiped the f*cker out.
Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it!We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
What did the man with the one hand do?
He went to the second hand shop!Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. He didn't have the guts tooThe Chinese are making these Olympics seem easy.They're winning gold with their eyes closed.
What happened when the barman died?
The police held an inn-questAny salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.
Bumper sticker: "Last Christmas I got a new rifle for my wife. Good trade, don't you think?"
Gordon Ramsey: There is so much oil on this plate, the US want to invade it.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.You this read wrong.
Would a 6 pound baby with 3 pound balls be Half-Nuts!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do
I have to walk by you again?What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves?
Russell!!! (The Name)that moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
Facebook has made more changes than Obama.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
Fucking b*tch.I am so intuned with women that I can read her emotions just by lookin at her hands. For example..... if she's holding a gun she chances are she might be upset.
what do you get when you cross a hedgehog with an owl? a prick that stays up all night
Silly teens, babies are for adults.
With great power, comes great electricity bills
Q: What do you call 144 blondes?
A: Gross ignorance.Donald Trump.
I Just got banned from Lowes. Every time I walk in the store I set off all the stud finders.
Don't worry if the end of the world is tomorrow! It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of the tree bark.“Does your teacher like you?”
“I think so. She keeps putting Kisses on my homework.”If someone sexts you and you didn't want them to, does that mean you got molexted?
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
ELEPHINO!!!!I'm not saying your stupid, i'm just saying that you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
A guy gets pulled over by a female cop.
He said, " I wasn't aware the kitchen had a speed limit."Q: What does a cannibal use for a menu?
A: A phone bookWhen the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I'm moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.
If you hit someone with a dictionary... is that physical or verbal abuse?
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
Question
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
Answer: Up his sleevies!How does the IRS describe a day at work?
Taxing.Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
What is the difference between a rabbit?
Its left ear is the same length.Relationships are like fat people, they never workout.
Sometimes I take really hot showers to practice burning in hell
Q. Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
A. She can't find the elevenQ: What do you call five Antartians on top of each other?
A: An air mattressThat annoying moment when your Capri Sun refuses to lose it's virginity.
There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax.
Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?If I were a dam, and if its this hot.... Id be dam hot.
I tried to catch fog today... mist.
A blow up doll means an entirely different thing in the middle east.
Sometimes I text and drive. I know it's dangerous, but I do stupid things when I'm drunk.
Two elephants jumped off a cliff....... BOOM BOOM!
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I'm always trying to pull a fast one.
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.
"I bet you a dollar you wont give me a dollar"
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Antartian parade."All those curves and me with no brakes."
Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherf*ckers.
A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair... and a table.
If you use dollar bills to make it rain would throwing a handful of quarters at a stripper be considered making it hail?
“How should I have played that last shot?” the bad golfer asked his partner.
“Under an assumed name.”If all the characters from the Mickey Mouse show are talking animals, why is Pluto just a f*ckin' dog?
What do you call a Middle Eastern bar with thongs?
The Gaza Strip ClubThat awkward moment when you finish a TV series and don't know what to do with your life anymore.
I sure hope you are a library book, because I am checkin' you out!
little johnny tells his mom"mom Billys penis is like a peanut" the mom says "what do you mean he has the size of one or its looks like one" johnny says "its salty". kickass if you get it
I can always tell if they use fake dinosaurs in films.
Rappers are always saying they are criminals, so why cant we torrent their music?
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
I went to this kickass party last night that was so exclusive that I was the only one invited.
Lord, Please give me patience, 'Cause if you give me strength, Imma beat the shit out of this mother f*cker.... Amen
I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
Q: What do you call Eskimo cows?
A: Eskimoos.It's so cold outside, I actually saw a gangster pull his pants up.
Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier if my wardrobe wasn't so FABULOUS!
Confucius say: "Man cannot exchange woman of forty for two twenties…"
Taco Bell doesn't have a playground, because it's hard to have fun when you might shit your pants at any minute.
Is the the sun in my eyes or did you just smile at me?
Dieters know this: A waist is a terrible thing to mind!
if your future self hasn't came back in time to tell you not to do it
then it's not a bad decision...I'm in no condition to drive. Wait! I can't listen to myself, I'm drunk
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there.
That moment when you find yourself pulling a dorr that says push
[SW]I just broke my personal record for consecutive days lived.
Q:What goes up but never comes down?
A:Your age.I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left it.Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row."Men are mean to their friends just like women are nice to their enemies."
Men are proof that women can take a joke.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees has obviously never sold weed.
you were born a winner you were the fastest sperm
Q. How do you stop a Talibon tank
A. Get the guy pushing itBoobs. Because you can't motorboat her personality.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.
Why is pizza circular, but in a square box, and served in triangles? Awkward.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week.
I got a call from the modeling agency. They wanted me to pose for some Before pictures.
Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries
Why is Cinderella a bad soccer player?
She always runs away from the ball!Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.
What do you call a man who’s lost 75% of his intelligence?
Divorced.if lifes a bitch, why hasnt it made me a sandwich yet?
if the mud ain't flyin you ain't tryin
I'm too busy to hang out with you, I have a long day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.
Good friends are like bottles of Sweet Wine......that's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.
that awkward moment when you tickle someone who isn't ticklish
It's amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.
Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
Last night I had a dream that I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice.
Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?
Because his career was in ruins.Kickass this if your bored and you went on a joke website.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
I like my women like I like my rum, 6 years old and full of coke.
I'm about to have my favorite alcoholic drink. It's called a lot.
Q: What runs around a football field and never gets tired?
A: A fence.Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate.
Thanks to my Ex, i now have plenty more jokes...
About fat Lesbians .How guy's propose: On one knee.
How girl's propose: "I'm pregnant!"Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...
Maybe if we all emailed the constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
Where do dinosaurs go to play?
The Jurassic park!They should put prizes in tampon boxes. Like yeah your period sucks, but here's 50% off ice cream.
When life gives you potatoes there's something wrong with you...
I only thought of you once today, I just never stopped.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke.Why did the potato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressingHe does not eat like a pig; he suffers from reverse bulimia
Waiter! Waiter! Do you have frog’s legs?
No, sir it’s just the way I’m standing.Kickass this if you think there should be a favorites section so we can laugh at our favorite jokes anytime.
My driver's side window stopped working, so I'm probably gonna starve to death.
My Cousin Ronny was born with no eyelids, so the doctors had to use his foreskin to create some. They said he would be alright, he is just a little cockeyed!
Why did the boxer date the pretty girl?
Because she was a knockout!I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
Life is very short. It’s only a 4-letter word.
Wife is the knife which cuts the life but there is no life without a wife.
They say that married men live longest. It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.
Q: What has dual airbags and has lots of room?
A: The White House.Talk is cheap….. if lawyers don’t do the talking.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer
When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was skinny. But then I looked down and saw some man titties.
Q: What's got four legs and no ears?
A: Mike Tyson's dog.Stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How do you expect us to find you if you look like Beyonce on Facebook and Chief Keef in person.
Where does Ice Cream go to school?
Answer: Sundae School.What the hell is up with "Fun sized" candy? There is nothing fun about less candy.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and yell "I WANTED ORANGES!!!"
They say a man isn’t complete till he’s married; then he’s finished!
Im not saying she's a slut, I'm just saying I've seen her vagina on dirty jobs.
Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means... all you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.
What's the difference between your paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.I'd like to buy a new boomerang.
Also, I'd like to know how to throw the old one away.A doctor gets to bury his mistakes. An architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
My blind date told me on the phone that she was far from ugly, when I met her I realized she was a lot closer than she thinks! this b*tch need prescription make up!!
What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.Q. Why are fish so smart?
A. Because there always in schools......I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Colonel Sanders was after him.
A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.Q: What does a stamp say to an envelope?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places.Congrats to Lebron's fiance who now leads the family with one ring.
A night watchman is a man who earns his living without doing a day's work.
Calm down... If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman her learns her place.
Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows".Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach?
A: SandwitchWhat did the normal oreo say to the double stuffed creamed one?
Whoreo.Home is where the wifi connects automatically.
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?
Because business was very light.We call her "magnet" because she attractive from the back and repulsive from the front.
Dear Santa,
I've been good all year. Okay most of the time. Once in awhile...F*ck it I'll buy my own shit.It amazes me to think that out of 100,000,000 sperm, you were the winner
One math book says to the other, "you think you got problems, you're just algebra, I'm advanced calculus."
Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
She had three men giving her directions.I wonder why chocolate melts in my hand, I mean am I that hot?
I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife's Bra. It was a booby trap
Q. What do you call a fish with no eye?
A. A fshYou traded your iPhone 4 for an extra half inch? I hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.Q. Where does a cat go when he loses his tail?
A. Retail store!My life would be easier if I had a penis and testicles instead of a vagina and feelings.
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!
Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.
Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x…
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?Submitted by vicky.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
The survivors were marooned.I go to school where students are higher than their grades.
House sitting is fun until someone falls off a roof.
My vacuum cleaner broke. I put a Dallas Cowboys sticker on it, and now it sucks again.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.I feel as worthless as the red lights in Grand Theft Auto right now.
A fuck shall not be given today.
How old is your Granddad?
“I don’t know, but we’ve had him a long time.”Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
Having a small dick is the leading cause of acting like a big one.
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
Q: What do you call a wiener dog at the beach?
A: A hot dog!Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.What do you call a cow with only two legs?
Answer: lean beef!Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.
If you were from Mc Donalds, I would call you McBeautiful.
If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?
An a-cat-emy award.Whats the last thing that went through Sally's mind after jumping from a skyscraper?
Her anklesIf you're sad about being alone on Valentine's day, just remember... nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.
Because he had no BODY to go with.
Have you been shopping lately? They're selling lives at the mall, you should get one.
Guy 1: Do society a favor. Kill yourself.
Guy 2: Show me how it's done first.You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
How do fireflies lose weight?
They burn calories.Today I feel like I don't have enough middle fingers.
Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.
Children in backseats can cause accidents. Accidents in backseats can cause children.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I don't always get asked out on a date. But when I do... It's on April 1st.
Why was the math book sad?
It had so many problems.If you drop a fork, it’s a sign company is coming. If a fork is missing, it’s a sign company is leaving.
Kickass this if you like titties
^
|
| thats what your mom said last night
|I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too!i'm not a virgin, I get screwed by the government everday.
Wife to old fart hubby: honey, lets go upstairs and make love
hubby: Choose one, I can't do both!I'm about as pissed off as a midget with a yo-yo.
You squeeze it, rub it up and down, thick white stuff comes out, it's a tube of toothpaste.
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company
My style can be described as “This smells clean” with a touch of “did anyone see me wear this yesterday?”
What do you call a tube with a degree?
A graduated cylinder.Everybody should pay their taxes with a smile, said Bob. “I tried it but they wanted cash.”
Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.
If at first you don't succeed,sky-diving is not for you!
Obama would be the worst cashier ever.
He'd never give changeThere is a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in Cheetos.
A philanthropist is a man who gives away what he should be giving back.
"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Many a young man is looking for an older woman with a strong will – made out to him
I think the condoms need to be located in the baby aisle next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans.
I get more ass than a toilet seat
Why are there not many cheeta's?
Because there always spotted.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?
I almost went to jail today, Monopoly gets intense.
Two gold fish are in a tank one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
Commercials have introduced me to more new and interesting music in the last six months than MTV has in the last six years.
Dean Martin never became an attorney because he couldn't pass the bar.
Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. “Sometimes age comes alone”
That moment when you sing a lyric wrong so you just turn it into a hum .-.
I saw a warewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.My uncle was on drugs for years, but almost relapsed and got himself killed. All because he saw a sign that said "crack in the road"!!
My baby son just said his first words, but also his last.
No one interrupts me when I'm talking."Out of courtesy,Sharks never attack lawyers."
At what age do you stop sniffing your kid's crotch to see if they wet themselves? Because my Mom is out of control…
Dinosaurs are just an excuse to cover up the existence of Pokemon.
We live in a society where the relationship status on Facebook is more official than a wedding ring.
Stable relationships are for horses.
Don't steal, the Government hates competition!
I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
After his divorce Mr. Lewis realized that poker isn’t the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
What is the best time to go to bed?
When the bed won’t come to you.There are three ways a man wears his hair - parted- unparted or departed
If Jesus is the god of lamb, and the mother of Jesus is Mary, so that means Mary had a little lamb?
Every zoo is a petting zoo as long as you're not a pussy.
I don't always have time to study, but when I do, I don't.
Never tell a woman that her place is in the kitchen. That's where the knives are kept.
Everything is made in China. Except babies.. they're made in VaChina.
Is the "S" or the "C" silent in the word "scent"?
How can you tell that managed cared has cut into your doctor’s income?
He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.I hate long lines, unless it's cocaine.
In that case, I love long lines.I got covered in ketchup earlier today, from my head tomatoes.
How do you fit 5 elephants into a five-seat car?
Get a really big car.People think Cupid is a symbol for love. Personally, I find an arrow being shot through your heart by a flying baby very horrifying.
When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...
I want to die like my grandfather in his sleep, not like his screaming passengers
A man exercises by sucking his stomach in every time he sees a beautiful woman
My mother always told me "If you can't say something nice about someone.......They're probably a Jerk!
Bumblebees don't sting. They just ignore you. In some ways that hurts worse.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
A man who says he’ll go through anything for a woman usually has her bank account in mind.
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his C.D.'s?
In Iraq.Always love a woman for her personality. She has ten you can choose from.
All the tellers at my bank are female. That means I could probably rob the place with a spider.
I gotta go to work today cause millions of people on welfare depend on me.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Unlce Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse..
After this week, Back to the Future will take place entirely in the past.
Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.
Waiter! Waiter! Do you have frog’s legs?
No, sir it’s just the way I’m standing.I am done trying to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
I want to tell you jokes about amnesia, but i forgot
I saw an Arab shaking a rug. I just had to ask, "What's wrong Ahmed, won't start?"
Roses are red
That part is true
But violets are purple
Not f*cking blueQ: How do you clean ice off a tall buildings?
A: With sky scrapers.I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.
Everybody hates 'Crocs', but the company is worth over $2 billion?
Some of you motherf*ckers are lying.What travel 100 miles per hour underground? “A mole on a motorbike.”
I may not be jesus but I can turn water into koolaid
I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails .....!!!!!
Vote kickass if you're reading jokes instead of doing homework
Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the dance?
Because it was a moth-ball.Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap if they try hard enough.
What do women and Slinkies have in common?
Not really too much, but you can't help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.Q: How do you catch a sqirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut.Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!Q: Why don't you wear snow boots?
A: Because they'll melt.This debate is getting intense... Waiting for the crowd to start chanting, "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!"
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Excuse me, I'm lost, May I go home with you?
Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water I'd drink it
Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.
Q: What kind of dance does a butcher go to?
A: A meatball"If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country."
Confucius say: Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.
A skeleton once wanted to go to a party but then he realised he had NO-BODY to go with.
Waiter! Waiter! This salad is frozen solid.
Yes, sir. It’s the iceberg lettuce that does it.What do hunting, fishing and dating all have in common?
You never know when you might get lucky!!!An apple a day keeps anyone away, If you throw it hard enough . . .
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.
I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.Q. What happened after the two bullets got married?
A. They had a little BB!I'm not saying your'e a slut but you've put more balls in your mouth than the Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you think these jokes are hilarious, you should see my life choices.
I can't wait until Friday to celebrate valentines day... said no one ever.
My Mom + My Dad - Condom = Coolest Person Ever
Watching the Olympics reminds me of how much talent I don't have.
So a midget walks into a mini bar...
All of the iPhone 5 jokes are just slightly improved iPhone 4 jokes.
Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
Poor old Bob sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely
To be old and wise, you first must be young and stupid.
As seen on a car bumper: “Driver does not carry cash. He is married”I try to masturbate big words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.
Q: What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit?
A: Curly hare."Deeper" I moaned as the Chipotle guy scooped my sour cream.
For anything that I said or did last night, I plead the fifth...
...of vodka.Amy thought she was hot, until she passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.
Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
I bet nerdy kids in math call their friends Algebros.
Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
I'm like a really down to earth guy because you know... gravity.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend. Until my LSD kicks out and I realize I'm dragging a blow up doll in the burger king parking lot.
One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge and be known as YouTwitFace :)
Hey, just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.If you're sober, it's a police car... but if you're drunk it's a taxi.
Alcohol won't solve your problems. But then again neither will milk or orange juice.
Payday isn't until next week so if you need me I'll be over here eating a bowl of ramen noodles boiled in tears.
Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City?
To see who shot his "paw."I’m reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.
“I just can’t put it down.”Why didn’t anyone take the school bus to school?
I wouldn’t fit through the door.That 3 second lap dance u get at the movies when someone walks by.....
Netflix gives you 15 seconds between episodes to decide if you're doing anything with your life today.
Never try to argue with someone that's on Adderall...cause you will never win.
Doctor: "Good news you passed your hearing test!"
Patient: "HUH"I almost had a threesome last night I just needed two more people
Q. Have you heard the latest scandal?
A. Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Heck happened!
What if lollipops moaned when you licked them?
It's always good to spread happiness, so smile at a stranger today.
Or flash them your boobs, strangers love boobs!If i get 40 kickass votes i have to eat my girlfriend shit.
When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile.
Some times you gotta grab life by the tits and shake it up a bit.
Q. What did dela wear?(Delaware)
A. Her New JerseyIf a guy remembered your eye color after the first date you probably have small boobs
I laugh at GUYS who work at subway because they have to make ME a sandwich.
People who run marathons know they don't have to. Right?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004.
Did you know my wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It’s called On and On Anon.I don't know if liquor is the answer, but it's worth a shot!
My favorite machine in the gym is the water fountain.
Why couldn't the egg cross the road?
He was a chicken.I put the ex in next husband.
S.H.I.T = Super.Hero.In.Training
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''
I have so much debt, I can start a government.
The awkward moment when you're banging your chick doggie style and can't help but notice the butt hole lint.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
I'm off to Club Bed featuring DJ Pillow and MC Blanky.
Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some music.
Saw my old car yesterday. It is a Rolls Canarly.
It rolls down one hill and canarly make up the the other.“If you got guts.” Sell your car and become a pedestrian.
There's always that one kid in PE who thinks it's the f*cking Olympics.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
When is bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse!Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film.
The hottest cars travel faster than sound. You’ll be in the hospital before you even start the motor.
Dude, that camping trip was
In tents.Q. Why did the belt go to jail?
A. Because he held up a pair of pants!I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.
Attention Walmart Shoppers: Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.
If FedEx and Ups merged, would they call it Fed UP?
I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's probably a pterodactyl. Because that's just how things work.
The Mayans predicted that the world would end on December 21rst. I predicted that I'd be filty rich by the age of 18. I guess we both were wrong.
Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. He was feeling crummy!If you get offended by the jokes and comments on here, go ahead and blame your parents... for raising a pussy.
If the government shuts down then nothing will get done... just like before.
If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA Helicase. Then I could unzip your genes.
Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
You remind me of my Chinese friend...UG-LEE
Life is like a fart. It comes and goes away.
If everyone else jumped off a dock, I would too.
I'm a sucker for pier pressure.Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.I have an itch. Scratch that, I had an itch.
Ad outside a store specializing in jeans-wear: "Ladies have fits upstairs".
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care!It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tired.
I like my friends how I like my coffee, and I don't have any coffee...
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.If this post gets 400 likes i will fart on a midget!
There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any
Did It hurt when you fell down the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?
I used to play sports until I realized I could buy trophies...now I'm good at everything.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well he actually said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.
Q. Why do bakers work so hard?
A. Because they need the doughThe Supreme Court is really just a regular court with sour cream and tomatoes.
He who hesitates is probably right.
School starts with "s" and so does slavery.
Coincidence? I think not.Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
If the shoe fits, drink it. Why do you think Cinderella had a glass shoe?
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.The most important thing in life is to be yourself...
Unless you can be Batman. Always be Batman.Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half.
Good. I’ll take two of them.I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently tapping "end call" just isn't doing it for me.
I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine.
A wise man once said ...... go ask a woman
Your parents always say learn from your mistakes .... So why do they have more than one kid
Q. What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
A. Dam!Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Me and my dog share a very common lifestyle. We eat, sleep, and hump things.
Can't wait for summer so I can stop complaining about how cold it is and start complaining on how hot it is.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I hang a sock on my doorknob to let my roommates know I’m using the other one.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Avoid rape - say yes!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita book lately!Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
I once bought shoes in China that said, "Made around the corner."
I put the fun in funeral.
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"Don't play with her heart, play with her boobs.
Serving size: 4 Yeah... all 4 me.
What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean? Nothing; It just waved.
What do cars do at the disco?
Brake dance.Q: Where do Antartians go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.Why do midgets laugh when they run? Coz the grass tickles their balls!
What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don’t know and I don’t care one way or the other.It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day", at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
Cupid’s dart hurts more coming out than going in.
Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds, but instead, I'm gonna run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.
Q: How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
A: Use the rear defrogger.What Birds Go To Church?
Bird Of Pray!I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I'm not even an actor.
Roses are for passion
Violets are for grace
I have two fists
One belongs in your faceI wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said "hey that's my shit!"
I'm not saying I'm Batman, I'm just saying you've never seen us in the same room.
Sometimes I like to lay in a bathtub full of jello and pretend I'm an unborn fetus.
A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own fuckin present".
I'd rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
You know your joke is stupid if you rate your own joke kickass
Women are the quickest to learn the three R’s. This is R’s, that’s R’s, everything’s R’s.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
I'm not saying she's a slut but she's been on more wieners than ketchup.
You must've sat in a pile of sugar because you've got a sweet ass!
When a two year old hands you their ringing toy phone, no matter how baddass you think you are, you answer it.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Every guy has that song on his iPod that makes him wonder, 'Am I gay for having this song?'
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond but by the end you wish u had a club and a spade.
U R 6 C I 1 2 4 Q
Rate kickass if you get it !Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?
So I made the decision that after no shave November I'm gonna grow a Decembeard and ride that into Janu-hairy and Febu-hairy.
Confucius Says: If you don't succeed, re-define success.
I'm so old that when I joined the AAA, it was a single A !
I don't understand why Wal-mart has a problem with people bringing their dogs in the store. Dogs are better behaved, smell better, and are a lot less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people there.
When I see birds fly, I think to myself: "If I was a bird, who would I shit on?"
I feel bad for kids nowadays. If the see a cool new toy on TV, they have no way to get it because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Practice safe lunch; use a condiment.
Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?.
A: He wanted to be a polyunsaturated!Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world ?
Mother: I don't know, ask your grandmother.Rick Astley will let you borrow all of his Disney movies except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair "ginjas".
Failure is the pillar of another successful failure..
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.Why are hairdressers so well paid?
Because they have lots of fringe benefits.Hear about the flasher who was going to retire, but changed his mind? He decided to stick it ou another year.
I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
If I was in a room with Hitler, Osama, and You and I had a gun with two bullets, I would shoot you twice.
If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around is he still wrong?
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels.Everyone's middle name should be "Motherf*ckin". Try it. Doesn't it sound so great?
Why did the Walkers not bite Glen in the Coffee Shop?
The Zombies were busy taking a selfie.I only drink on two occasions. When it's my birthday and when it's not.
“How long will be the next bus be, Officer?”
“About eight yards, sir.”Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
Because they are both surrounded by nuts.You know my father threw a camera at me once, I still have flashbacks.
There is no way to aggressively say "tater tots". Try it.
Success always hugs you in private, but failure always slaps you in public. Life's a b*tch if you ask me
A woman walks up to a bartender and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her.
Today; I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
God liked Saturn so much he put a ring on it.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beerI haven't seen you since that one time I hoped I'd never see you again.
If skinny people go skinny dipping. Do fat people go chunky dunking?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget the fruit
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
The economy is getting so bad; the other day my ATM gave me an IOU.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
There are only two rings in marriage, “the wedding ring" and "the suffering
I like your approach… let’s see your departure.
Figuring out what a woman wants is easy. Just pay attention while she's screaming it at you.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I’ll just hang aroundQ: What do you call a fancy event in the desert?
A: A cac-ti affair.There's a name for people without beards. Women.
Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.
I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said " If you can read this the b*tch fell off."
why do midgets laugh while running through the yard?
The grass tickles their nutsGot hired at Walmart. Do I start pulling my teeth out now or do they just fall out at orientation?
The only reason I know how to spell beautiful is from Bruce Almighty.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Q: What is big, yellow and eats rocks???
A: A big yellow rock eater!!If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I would have one badass harley... and some super cute riding boots.
I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.
Q: What do you call a cow without feet?
A: Ground beef1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.
It’s called Lunch.Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck!One psychologist greets another on the street: "You're fine, how am I?"
When girls are Lesbians it is a beautiful thing... But when guys are gay it is just awkward.
Why did the teacher have to wear sunglasses?
Because his pupils were so brightTook me an hour to crawl out of bed. #sluglife
Happiness is like a unicorn. It doesn't exist unless you're on drugs.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together!
f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
you're a boob. just tittin. you're my breast friend.
Who wants to dress up in a bear costume and destroy the tents of people waiting outside of stores on Black Friday?
Never say, "Give me a break" to a Black Belt in Karate.
Apparently the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Q: What did the cook say to the dough?
A: I "NEED" you!If your girl gets mad at you while she's on her period, she's probably just ovary-acting.
A gift card is a great way to say, "Go buy your own f*ckin' present".
Blind people can drive...
Just mostly into things.Question: What goes up and never comes down?
Answer: UpI used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.
I named my penis "The Truth" because bitches can't handle it.
"When I'm feeling lonely I don't shave one of my legs so it feels like I'm sleeping next to a man."
I was going to make a gay sex joke. Butt fuck it.
“Sir, there’s a debt collector in the outer office.”
“Tell him he can take that pile on my desk”I don't always have a valid argument, but when I do its later that day, in the shower
if you take the "G" out of gayness, you get what gay people want.
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
After sex, I enjoy a big glass of get the f*ck out of my house.
That awkward moment your boss catches you answering phones with a British accent when your bored..
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.I should've known that it wasn't gonna work out between me and my ex girlfriend. After all, I'm a Scorpio and she's a b*tch.
Q: At what kind of math is a crazy man best?
A: MANTAL math.roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers the middle 1 is for you.
AMERICA: The only country that used a Goverment shut down to solve its problems.
There's a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.
Glad I looked in the mirror, i've been looking for that hat for 2 hours!
I tried to join the Paranoia's Anonymous, but they would't tell me where they were.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
Never pick up a homeless hitchhiker, they'll never go home.
Why are cemeteries in the middle of towns?
Because they’re the dead centers.Boy: Do you have fever?
Girl: No, why?
Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!there was a zoo that had one animal in it, that animal was a dog, it was a shitzu.
Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was fed up with the hole business.Are you the tiger on the cerial box! Cause your lookin' grrrrrrrrrreat!
Did you hear about the Antartian parachute?
It opens on impact.Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?
A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!Skip the damn apology asshole...I'm not takin you back...but we can still have makeup sex, without the makeup!
Never make an arm wrestling bet with a man that has been single for longer than 6 months.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I hope they split us by music genre.
Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp biscuitI just got a job at the local Taxi cab company,
Now I just need to find a ride to get there!!!That moment when you sit on a public toilet and the seat is still warm.
When I die I want my best friend to change my facebook status to "chillin with Jesus"
Maybe your dick is so small because you took 3/4 of it and shoved it in your personality.
Q. What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A. Where's popcorn?I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book?
They all have phones.What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer?
WoofleballI don't always wash my sheets, but when I do, I forget them in the washer until I'm ready to go to bed.
ME: You smell like updog.
FRIEND: What's up dog?
ME: Nothing much man, how 'bout you?Love is like a fart. If you have to force it then it's probably shit.
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on ice?
A. Polaroids!Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?
Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.
Why is stuff delivered by a car called a shipment, and stuff delivered by a ship called a cargo?
Mayan Guy: Hey wanna beer?
Other Mayan Guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world."Taking a shit" the movie........its coming out soon!
Today I celebrated my fake ids birthday
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Half a worm.If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do.
Bitch, I'm not Willy Wonka, I don't sugar coat shit.
There's a young man at the bar frustrated. Him and his wife got into a fight and she kicked him out. He see's an old man at the bar happy as ever, but notices a ring on his finger. He asks '' How long have you been married?'' Old man says ''65 years, and im still happy as ever'' ''How?'' Asks the young man. The old man then says '' Well one day my wife and I way back were walking with our donkey to go get some water from the well. On our way back the donkey falls and spills some water. I said ''Donkey thats one.'' It falls again later and I said ''Now dammit thats two!'' It falls yet again and spills all the water. So I pulled out my gun and shot it in the heard and killed it. My wife then yelled '' Now why in the hell did you do that?!'' I looked at her and said ''Woman now thats one''.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!
Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.
That awkward moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.
Titanic is just one example of the ice bucket challenge going wrong...
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons?
“He wanted to be a hentertainer.”I think my phone is broken. I pressed home and I'm still at school!
A horse walked into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk.
If I get 100 kickass votes my girlfriend will take my condom off.
The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
He is not quiet; he is conversational minimalist.
Why were all the ink spots crying?
Their father was in the pen.Q. How do you confuse an antarctian?
A. Bleeble!love sucks, true love swallows, everytime.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel
This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.
Confusius say,boy who brings ladder to school must be in High School.
Dora thinks she's cute showing off her belly button! Slut.
Lead me not into temptation -- I can find the way myself.
A lot of people have a bucket list of 50 things they wanna do in there lifetime.
I just have one, and that's to forget the 50 that I did!!!“Suicidal Twin kills sister by accident!!!”
Confusius say,man who lives in glass house must dress in basement.
First I was a giant fan, then I was a jet fan, now I m a small air conditioner
Note to self, telling a woman to "calm down", stimulates hulk-like outbreaks.
Confusius say,"Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Q. Why don't Antartians eat M&Ms?
A. They're too tough to peel.Q: What kind of insects to you find on the Moon.
A: Lunar Ticks (Lunatics)Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world?
A. PennsylvaniaHello there.. What's your name? Cocktail, Shit, motherf*cker... Sorry I have Tourette syndrome. Is there anything wrong with you?
I have a really good report card in first grade, since then my mother always proud of me every time she saw my report card. She dont know i always use the same report card
Did you ever notice that musicians play and doctors practice but the rest of us work for a living!
A big shout out to sidewalks... Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.I want world peace so bad that I will punch anyone in the face who opposes me.
My iPhone battery dies quicker than a black guy in a scary movie.
If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?
Taking a dump in a bar is the equivalent of eating spinach as a kid...I will do everything in my power to avoid it.
The individual is not short and wide; the individual is anatomically compact.
A guy accidentally mixed his Viagra with his iron pills. He started pointing north.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
A man is incomplete until he is married… then he is finished.
A clear conscience is the sign of bad memory
What did the bee say to the flower?
“Hey bud, when do you open?I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla.
like this kickass if your bored
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Some people have no respect for age unless it’s bottled.
When nobody is home, I like to bury myself in the garden and pretend I'm a carrot..
If 7-11 is open 24/7 why do they have a lock on the door?
Don't drink water, fish have sex in it.
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler so the neighbors think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!
My girlfriend called me a pervert!
I said to her "that's a big word for a nine year old"Hillary Clinton.
Sometimes I feel like life is a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves.
Q.Why was 6 affraid of 7?
A.Because 7,8,9 (7 ate 9)Q: Where are dogs scared to go?
A: The flea market!Roses are purple.
That is a lie.
Why are you listening to me?
I'm f*ckin high.I need new haters. The old ones are starting to like me.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye
I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell is paid in advance.
Stop saying "12/12/12" only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.
I set my DVR to record 'The Biggest Loser' and it keeps taping Michigan football games.
Fat chicks are like refrigerators. Large, full of food, and you probably shouldn't have sex with it.
They say marriages are made in heaven, “well," so are lightning and thunder!
I'm friends with 25 letters in the alphabet. I don't know Y.
I'd tell ya about my dick, but that would be a long story.
Q. What is a pig's favorite karate move?
A Pork chop.i try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.
You never see a McDonalds or Burger King under construction, they just show up.
To me, drinking responsively means don't spill it.
If Wal-mart sells belts, why do I see so many butt cracks?
So a Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
You are going to get a ticket because you have FINE written all over your body.
If your life was taped could it win an Oscar? If not, change your shit up
A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?
Q: What did the guy say when he walked into the bar?
A: Ouch.Why did the brakes go to the store?
They needed new shoes.I want to shove a lamp up your ass so you'll lighten the f*ck up.
"Two guys walk into a bar... you'd think the second would duck."
I hate cripple jokes. I cant stand them.
Irish dude walks out of a bar.
Never laugh at your girlfriends choices..... your one of them.
If stress were a drug, I would be high as f*ck.
A toothless termite walks into a bar. He looks around and asks, "Is the bartender here"
Can fat people go skinny dipping??
That's about as dumb as kamikaze pilots wearing helmets.
There are 3 types of people in this world. Ones who can count, and ones who can't.
Is it just me or do all of these new jokes extremely lame?
After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller!What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elkaseltzer.I'm only a morning person on December 25th.
I feel like I should be on the TV show Undercover Boss.
I just found my wife with the boss!B*tch that smile is as fake as ur tits.
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!Q: How do you clear out an Afghan bingo game?
A: Call B52When I text you a whole paragraph and you text me back 40 minutes later saying "K." Are you asking to be punched?
Thanks to Facebook I know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Why are ET's eyes so BIG?
He saw his phone bill.I do what I want, where I want, when I want.... If my Mom says its ok.
My car is so fast the payments are three months behind.
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Alex
Alex who?
Alex plain later!You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish
Lips that touch liquor, touch other lips quicker.
"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"
"Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.I hate Circles, their pointless
For all you mothers out there today, remember that you have high school tomorrow, so don't stay up too late.
Tupperware needs to be called TupperWHERE THE FUCK IS THE LID.
I really need to stop blaming autocorrect and face the fact that I can't spill.
Q. Why did the jellybean go to school?
A. Because he wanted to be a smartyConfusius say: "man who run behind car get exhausted"..."man who run in front of car get tired"
I'm not calling you a slut, but if you were a video game you'd be rated 'E For Everyone'
If you ever google "Gary Oldman" for fucks sake don't forget the "R"
If you can't afford a holiday vacation, just drink until you don't know where you are.
I'm more confused than a hobo in a house arrest.
When is the best time to go shopping?
When the stores are open.As I sat there twirling my hair in my fingers, I thought...
I really need to shave my balls.“Do you think I”ll lose my looks as I get older?”
“Yes if you’re lucky.”“Has there been any insanity in your family?”
“Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.”I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”
“I couldn’t lift the table.”Submitted by zanny.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger! Then it hit me.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
December 21st will be the most annoying day in Twitter and Facebook history.
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits!
Last week Walmart was asking $200 for the lamp I wanted, today they wanted $100.
I told them I'd wait until it was worth $200 again!What do romantic vampires do?
NeckI didn't give a f*ck until I drank Red Bull.
Now I don't give a flying f*ck.For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
What are you giving up for lent?
Your virginity!!!There are two things in this life that we all can agree on. Boobs.
Waiter! Waiter! This coffee tastes like soil.
Yes, sir, it was ground this morning.Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
Q: What did the emu say to the nurse?
A: Mend her bones or walk the plankWhatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Don't blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I want my last words to be " hold my beer and watch this shit!"
I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.
Q:HOW DO YOU MAKE A TISSUE DANCE?
A:PUT A LITTLE BOOGI IN ITThe awkward moment when you mispronounce organism in science class.
I'm as bored as a slut on her period.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I wonder how long it would take for a giraffe to throw up.
Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Pull their chairs away!I like to put my iPhone 6+ in my front pocket. Now when I'm walking around, I finally have something 6 plus in my pants.
Did you hear about the resturant on the Moon?
Great food but no Atmosphere.Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
Do you know the difference between genius and stupid? "Genius has its limits."
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
I hate Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and half of Friday...
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead hooker?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage...Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
Do you know how to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!You know what I would do at the Olympics?
The U.S. swim team.I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
Q. Why did the pig cross the road
A. To prove that he wasn't a chickenWhen Mr. Maxwell’s wife left him he couldn’t sleep.
“She took the bed!”Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Money can't buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!
It's no shave November, Halo 4 & Black Ops 2 were released. Pregnancy rates are at an all time low.
Amazing how many people who post jokes here cannot tell the joke properly... or write it without spelling mistakes... or both.
Why couldn't the coffee bean go out to play?
He was grounded.A year ago from yesterday Steve Job died from Pancreatic Cancer. He literally died from PC.
Q. What has one horn and gives milk?
A A milk truck.I don't want to startle anyone, but Becky on Facebook cannot believe how fast the weekend flew by.
Obviously medicine companies don't know what fruit taste like.
my brothers bike had no bell it deserves a nobel prize
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
The best part about being a procrastinator is you always have something to do... tomorrow.
Q: If you have 4 apples and 3 oranges in one hand, and 3 apples and 4 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Very large hands!!The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.
I'll change my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts,and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
What if Pinocchio said his nose would grow?
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get the quarter back.I really like selling on E-Bay. Last month I sold my Homing Pigeons eight times!
Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest are weekdays."I'll just watch one youtube video and then go back to work" -said, no one ever.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
I hate it when i'm drinking and someone tries to correct my vodkabulary.
Women are like popcorn, once you've had one. You must have more
Why did the owl make everyone laugh?
“Cause he was a hoot!FUN FACT: If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription.
Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without brain. Please tell them your age!
Submitted by preet.
What does an australian call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!If karma doesn't hit you..... I fucking will.
Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster so you can see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting?
Three men walked in to a bar. You think one of them would have seen it!
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It's just part of being a dentist.
The sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching an awesome movie.
Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil
Q-What did the tie say to the hat?
A-You go on ahead while I hang around.My love is like a candle... Because if you forget about me I will burn your f*cking house to the ground.
Ah! Yes, love is blind, and marriage is and eye opener!
You know your doctor is too old when you look at the framed diploma on his wall and realize his Hippocratic oath was signed by Hippocrates!
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Two words:
I hate math.Dj Jesus died for your spins.
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
What do you call a shoe stuck up in a woman's pussy? PUSS IN BOOTS.
What do you call a man with a receipt on his head?
BillQ. What’s a mouse's favorite game?
A. Hide and squeak!!!Did you see the face on her? She looks like she ran a 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym
Lazy People Fact #5812672793
You were too lazy to read that number.if it wasn't for blinds it would be curtains for all of us
I like to name my ipod 'Titanic' so when it says 'Syncing Titanic' I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
how to stop drinking beer..?
ans.start whiskey.I threw a Psychic Party and no one showed up. I knew that was going to happen.
I'm not saying she's a whore but... no wait that's EXACTLY what I'm saying!
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
"Doctor! Doctor! Everyone’s ignoring me!"
"Next please!"Where do magicians always buy fairy bread? In an 'elf' shop
If the zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas... will it stay in Vegas?
LMAO means Lick My Anal Opening. You're welcome.
Q: Why do sea gulls fly by the sea?
A: Because if they flew by the bay they would be bay gulls!It's so sad to see gay kids get beat up for their brunch money.
I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it’s a brighter day.
I took an IQ test yesterday. It came back negative...
Which fly captured the ladybird?
The dragonfly.Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a mind like mine?
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Bob!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the leaf pile?
Russell!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the hot tub?
Stu!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
Art!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Matt!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?
Bill!
What do you call a man (or a woman) with no arms and no legs on the grill?
Frank (or Patty)!I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.
What gets wetter as it dries?
A towel.Q: how do you get a tissue to dance?
A: put a little boogie in it!1. You know you're over the hill when you are arranging your hair instead of combing it.
2. You know you're over the hill when your idea of a good workout is standing up.
3. You know you're over the hill when you start picking your teeth out of the popcorn.My wife enjoys sports and anything else that calls for an argument.
A sharp nose points to curiosity. A flattened nose indicates too much curiosity.
S(he) didn't (m)ake him (a) san(d)wich.
I hate it when I give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not my friend anymore.
Q.Why is a dog scared of a fire?
A.It doesn't want to become a hot dog.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Why did the chicken NOT cross the road?
Because it was chicken.Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.
When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.I hate when I walk into the classroom late and everyone stares at me like I just killed two people when I obviously killed seven.
Q: Why did the Mummy go to the bathroom?
A: To wrap itself in toilet paper!
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
One Liners Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
Author Description here.. Nulla sagittis convallis. Curabitur consequat. Quisque metus enim, venenatis fermentum, mollis in, porta et, nibh. Duis vulputate elit in elit. Mauris dictum libero id justo.