Sex Jokes

• A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

  
  Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

  
  "Well, yes, I did once."

  
  "Well, how did she look?"

  
  "Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

  
  At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

  
  "She was watching us through the window."




• At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards,
  finally shaking her head, "No."
  
  A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
  
  "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

• What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention!

• Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.

• Q: What have condoms and tires in common?A: Good year.

• A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."
  
  The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger?" Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts. He continued his game and on
  the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
  
  He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprecahn again. After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish. The player
  asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer?"

• Three prisoners are locked in a cell. One takes out a harmonica and says, ‘At least I can play a little music and pass the time.’ The second prisoner pull out a pack of cards and says, ‘We can play games too.’ The third man pulls out a packet of tampons. ‘Those aren’t much use,’ says the first prisoner. ‘Yes they are,’ says the third prisoner. ‘On the packet it says we can use them to swim, play tennis and ski.’

• Can you say three two-letter words that mean small? Is it in?

• It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."
  
  The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds."

• Man to woman: ‘Tell me, after having sex do you ever smoke?’ Woman: ‘I’ve never looked.’

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

• The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their
  neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
  
  One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she
  went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
  
  When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get
  something over here."
  
  "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."
  

• At a local college, there was a dance.

  A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

  A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

  Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

• Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.

• A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring.
  
  A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
  
  Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman sleeps very soundly.
  
  The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused.
  
  He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what
  the hell happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place.

• Q: What did the Bannana say to the Vibrator?
  
  A: Hey, what are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to eat.

• Which one of these things does not belong?
  * A Green Bean
  * A Soy Bean
  * A vibrator
  
  The green bean. The other two are meat substitutes.

• 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

• Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire,
  so he gets naked, jumps into bed and immediately begins groping her.
  
  She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."
  
  So he sits up, folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better??"
  
  She replies,"Much!"
  
  To which he replies, "Okay. Now, will you please pass the pussy?"

• It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was
  easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden . . . my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped . . . Baby Ruth!

• The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

• Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?A: Miracle Whip.

• A man is lying on an empty beach, subathing in the nude. He looks up to see a little girl approaching him. He looks frantically for something to cover himself with. He quickly grabs a magazine he was reading and puts it over himself.
  
  The little girl comes up and asks what is under the magazine.
  
  "A sleeping bird" the man says. "Don't disturb it".
  
  The girl leaves, and the man falls asleep shortly after.
  
  When he wakes up he is in a hospital with his crotch in extreme pain. The doctors ask him what happened to him. He tells them that he told a little girl it was a bird, and then went to sleep.
  
  The doctors sent police to the beach to find the girl. When they find her, they ask her what happened.
  
  She told them, "I got curious about the bird that the man hid. When I woke it up and began to play with it, it spit on me. So i broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and lit its nest on fire."

• A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks."No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."

• Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
  
  A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

• One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

• John was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of Wonder Bras.
  
  The clerk noticed he had been there for some time and that he appeared to be having trouble picking one out. She walked over and asked him if she could be of assistance.
  
  John answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the size she is, or the size I want her to be?"

• Any woman deserves sex, but not every woman a second time.

• Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.

• An old couple returning from florida cross the border. The customs agentask the man "did you buy anything while in the US. the man answers no.the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?". the man tells his wife"the agent wants to know if we bought anything". the customs agent asksthe man where he is from. the man answers "toronto". the man's wife says"what did he say?" the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we werefrom. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worstsex ever in my life in toronto." the man's wife says "what did he say?"the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."

• Q: What do the Chinese call 69?
  
  A: Two Can Chew

• During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests.

  
  The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

  
  To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

• The wife of my friend is not a woman to me. But if she's pretty he's not my friend.

• A tourist in Sweden is drinking in a bar when an attractive woman sits next to him. ‘Hello,’ he says.‘Do you speak English?’‘Oh I speaking not much English,’ replies the woman. ‘How much?’ asks the man. The woman replies, ‘200 Kroner.’

• Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

• Two policemen are walking the beat when one says, ‘When I get home, I’m going straight upstairs and tearing off the wife’s underwear.’ ‘Feelling randy?’ asks the other. ‘No,’ says the first. ‘The elastic is killing me.’

• If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.

• A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

• A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.""TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

• What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

• I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

• Q: What is the difference between women and PCs?
  
  A: Women don't take three and a half inch floppies!

• How can you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains.

• A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
  
  Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
  
  This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the
  door, make my penis touch the floor!"
  
  Again, there's a bright flash - and his legs fall off.

• There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis. They are complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and to top it off, they put ranch on me as well. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life." The penis says, "Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up."

• Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?A. Goes-in-tight!

• A woman about sex has to know ‘why?' and a man ‘where?'

• The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
  
  "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

• Hey! I don't have a mom, me and my dad share yours.

• Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

• NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

  
  LOCATION: Throughout the world

  
  DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

  
  SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.

  
  HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

  
  ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

  
  WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

  
  TORNIQUET: Do not apply a torniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

  
  CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

  
  SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

  
  MILKING THE SNAKE:

  
  1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

  
  2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

  
  3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

  
  4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

  
  5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

  
  CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

• Did you hear about the guy with five penises?
  
  His underwear fits like a glove.

• Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried."My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President."I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?""Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush."Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?""Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin."No problem," replied the President.Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.""Consider it done," said the president of the condom company."Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide.""Easily done. Anything else?""Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"

• A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?Yes, honey, three times.When was the first time?Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.Thanks, darling. And when was the second time?Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you? And finally the head of the department took care of you?Thank you darling, you saved my life. And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?

• A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour.
  
  One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and jokingly asked
  the waitress when she came to take their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in
  free love?"
  
  The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at the man, "I certainly do not!"
  
  With a great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', what do you charge?"

• Q: Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?A: You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!

• A boy went into a hoare house and said he wanted an AIDS's infected prostitute. The woman at reception said room 9 top of the hall.He went to the room and did his business.When he was leaving she asked him why he wanted her she being aids infected.The boy answered,"When I go home i'll sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with my mam then in the morning my mam will fuck the milkman and thats the BASTARD that ran over my dog.

• FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

• My girlfriend likes to pretend to be a 14 year old when we have sex.I don't get it she will be 14 in a few years anyway.

• There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating.

  
  She looks at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, "What are they doing?"

  
  He says "They're making love."

  
  "Well, what's that long thing of his?" She asked.

  
  "Oh, uh, that's his rope" he answered.

  
  "Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked.

  
  He says "Those are his knots"

  
  She says, "Oh, Ok I got it."

  
  As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."

  
  Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they're getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his testicles and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.

  
  The girl replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope."

• I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can't watch porn...

• A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband: Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!

• The aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint."Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sex drive.""Come on now Mr Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in your head.""Thats what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little."

• The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
  
  The sperm nodded affirmatively.
  
  Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
  
  When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"
  
  The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

• Dear Dr. Dover:
  
  I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile.
  
  My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
  
  After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
  
  A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
  
  A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
  
  Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disc but still got pregnant again.
  
  I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
  
  We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
  
  The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
  
  Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
  
  You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
  
  Yours sincerely,
  
  Bubba Brickhead
  

• There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women.

  Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

  The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

  The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Cory Dalton

• Two men are having a drink together. One says, ‘I had sex with my wife before we were married. What about you?’ ‘I don’t know,’ says the other. ‘What was her maiden name?’

• This couple had a regular but unspectacular sex life. Every so often during sex, the man would ask his wife, "just once, could we do it doggie-style?"

  
  She always replied, "Never."

  
  Finally, when he was on his deathbed, he asked her, "Why did you always refuse to do it doggie-style? What did you have against making love on your hands and knees?"

  
  His wife looked mystified. "Hands and knees? I always thought you meant out in the yard!"

• Q: Why don't Canadians have group sex?A: Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

• Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said she'd like to buy them, adding, "but only if you can embroider 'If you can read this, you're too
  close.' on the back."
  
  So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the rather unusual request.
  
  The tailor said, "Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?"
  
  Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, "Do you want that in block letters or script?"
  
  The customer replied, with a smile, "Braille."

• It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

• A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

• Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
  
  "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
  
  St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
  
  Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one
  more time just to be sure he is OK?"
  
  So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
  
  "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
  
  "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."

• One day a man got on the bus and saw a nun. He started to have sexual Thoughts about her and tried to stop but she looked so good that he couldn't Stop.So once she got off the bus the man asked the bus driver if he knew Where she was going. The bus driver said to meet the nun at the church at 8:0op.m dressed like jesus. He went there dressed like jesus. This Surprised the nun and she asked him what she needed to do and he said have anal sex with him. Afterwards, the man said I have a confession to make and he told her he wasn't jesus but the man on the bus. The nun then said she had a confession also. She was the busdriver..

• ‘After making love, I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think this was good for anybody.”’ Garry Shandling

• Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention (the assembly line for the automobile) changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
  
  Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
  
  The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.
  
  Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
  
  God replies, "Ah, yes."
  
  "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
  
  1. there's too much front end protrusion
  
  2. it chatters at high speeds
  
  3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
  
  4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
  
  "Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention that yours."

• My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…

• What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

• What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

• Q: What is the speed of sex?
  
  A: 68. Because at 69 you have to stop and turn around!

• Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.

• If someone notices you with an open zipper, answer proudly: professional habit.

• ‘I recently sold the rights of my love life to Parker brothers, they’re going to turn it into a game.’ Woody Allen

• - "Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school"?- "No, I had sex in high school."

• My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement product.So I gave him a magnifying glass!

• Sex without condoms is magical... A baby appears and father disappears.

• What did Adam say to Eve? ‘Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing gets!’

• Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic s*x.Friend: Wow, must be a terrific s*x life?Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.

• Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

• A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

• Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

• In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
  
  Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
  
  The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
  
  Charlies says, "I just got into Chicago."
  
  "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,
  
  "Bob, what are you doing?"
  
  Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

• Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you'll get a great view of her arse.

• A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a sign board for him & put it above his clinic entrance.

  
  Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply.

  
  He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.

  
  One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read:

  
  Psycho- the- rapist.

• A young lady, having just returned from a great week-long vacation in South
  America, walked into the local bank and asked about exchanging currency.
  
  The teller said he would try to help her. After she plopped a huge wad of
  bills onto the counter, the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and
  returned to count out $27.18.
  
  The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that
  mountain of bills?"
  
  "I'm afraid so Miss." replied the teller, "That's the current rate of
  exchange according to our foreign exchange section.
  
  "God!" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap S.O.B. breakfast, too!"
  

• Three couples want to join the catholic church. There was an old couple, a middle-aged couple, and a newlywed couple. The priest says "If you want to join this holy church of the lord, you must abstain from sex for two weeks." The three couples, with this in mind, start their mission to join the church. Two weeks later, the three couples meet the priest. The priest asks the old couple, "How did you do?" the old couple says "No problem!" So the priest decides to let them in the church. Then the priest asks the middle-aged couple, "How did you do?" Then the couple says, "well, it was a little difficult, but we managed to pull through." The priest then decides to let them in the church. Finally, the priest asks the newlywed couple. "how did you do?" The husband says, "Frankly, we weren't able to do it." "That's terrible!" the priest says. "How did this happen?" The man says, "Well, my wife bent over to pick up a can of beans, and I was overwhelmed with lust and i had to take her right there." "Well, I'm sorry, my son, but i will not be able to let you in." "We know," the man says. "We're not allowed down at the supermarket either."

• When I was 5 years old, my parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
  
  I said "I wanna watch." ... so they let me.

• Vaginas are like weather.When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

• Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
  
  A: Because they think men care.

• A man and woman are lying in bed after a disappointing bout of sex. ‘You’ve got a very small organ,’ says the woman. The man replies, ‘Well I didn’t know I’d be playing in the Albert Hall.’

• A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
  
  His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll show you the difference. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
  
  The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
  
  His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
  
  Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
  
  His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"
  
  The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

• Q: What do you get when you mix prune juice & Tang?
  
  A: "Prune Tang"

• Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
  A: Ask your mother.

• A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

• A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra. Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.

• Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole
  
  A: A 30 foot cock who wants to reach out and touch someone.

• My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

• What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

• A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
  
  He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
  
  She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"
  
  The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly.
  
  As shock came over the woman's face, the man finished, "What I need is a new tie!"

• A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.""You're wasting your time," said the boy."Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled."Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

• A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

  
  "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

  
  "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

  
  The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

  
  That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

  
  "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

  
  "No problem," he says. And in they go.

  
  The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

  
  As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

  
  So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

  
  "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

  
  Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

  
  Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

• I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

• Q: Why do tampons have strings on them?
  
  A: So the crabs can go bungie jumping!

• Men, don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms; buy an ordinary one and slip in a handful of frozen peas.

• Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

• Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
  
  His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
  
  Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

• A Beaver is a small furry creature that sits on your face and eats your tongue.

• Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him, and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"

  
  As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

• Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
  
  "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
  
  "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
  
  "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
  
  "No sir, our mother."
  
  "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
  
  "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

• What’s the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

• Three southern belles are having there afternoon tea. They are discussing one of the ladies' recent trip to New York City.
  
  (In a southern accent) "Well" the lady said, "in New York, they have these men who kiss other men . . . they call them gay." The other ladies are beside themselves, but want to know more. "They also have these women," she continues, "who kiss other women . . . they call them lesbians." The other women again are in shock. "Tell us more," the women say. "Well, in New York...they have men who kiss women on their 'privates'."
  
  "And what do they call them?"
  
  The lady responds, "Well, when I caught my breath, I called him precious."

• Mother's Day is for mother's, Father's day is for father's, and Valentines Day is for Girlfriends, but what holiday is for single males?
  
  Palm Sunday.

• A farmer and had 3 teenage daughters. One night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door and there is a teenage boy standing there. Farmer: Hi. Can I help you? Boy: Yeh... My name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna' see a show, Can she go?

  
  Farmer: Well, of course, but she's not ready yet. You can come in and sit on the sofa and wait. Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later the doorbell rings again. The farmer answers the door, and there's another teenage boy out on the porch. Farmer: Hi, How can I help you?

  
  Boy#2: Hey! My name is Eddie, and I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?

  
  Farmer: No she's not but you can join Joe on the sofa. About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave to go to town. Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something bad happens. When he opens the door, there's another teenage boy standing there and he reeks of booze.

  
  Farmer: Let me guess, you're here to see one of my daughters. Boy#3: Yeah... My name is Chuck.... BOOM!!!

• Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

• Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sex?A: They're both very rare.

• A newly-wed couple didn’t know the difference between putty and Vaseline. A week after the marriage all their windows fell out. Which was the least of their worries.

• Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."
  
  "Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
  
  "No," the girl replied.
  
  "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
  
  "N-n-no," the girl replied.
  
  "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the level about this."

• A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."
  
  The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
  
  So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
  
  So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"
  
  "No!", she said.
  
  He lost 5 inches off his member!
  
  The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
  
  The frog said, "No!"
  
  And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
  
  So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
  
  And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . . . NO! NO! NO!"

• A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan.The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them."The piest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take nomore."The man agrees to the tests and begns the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into th second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and sctratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."

• Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

• Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

• What’s a man’s ultimate embarrassment? Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

• 1 Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

  
  2 How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!?

  
  3 You must be very experienced.

  
  4 Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?

  
  5 Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.

  
  6 I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.

  
  7 Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.

  
  8 Would you mind rolling around in this flour.

  
  9 I heard carpenters dream about you.

  
  10 So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

  
  11 Look . . . I can get my whole arm in.

  
  12 It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

  
  13 Is that an optical illusion?

  
  14 If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.

  
  15 Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

  
  16 Do you mind if I wear one too . . . in case yours falls off?

  
  17 Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?

  
  18 I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

  
  19 Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

  
  20 I've been wondering all night what that smell was.

  
  21 Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.

  
  22 You know they have surgery to fix that.

  
  23 Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

  
  24 Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.

  
  25 Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.

  
  26 I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.

  
  27 You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

  
  28 You're not 'that' fat.

  
  29 I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.

  
  30 Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

• An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much.
  
  The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
  
  This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.
  
  "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
  
  "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

• Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.

• Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
  created a pussy to their design.
  First was a butcher,
  with smart wit,
  using a knife,
  he gave it a slit,
  Second was a carpenter,
  strong and bold,
  with a hammer and chisel,
  he gave it a hole,
  Third was a tailor,
  tall and thin,
  by using red velvet,
  he lined it within,
  Fourth was a hunter,
  short and stout,
  with a piece of fox fur,
  he lined it without,
  Fifth was a fisherman,
  nasty as hell,
  threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
  Sixth was a preacher,
  whose name was McGee,
  he touched it and blessed it,
  and said it could pee,
  Last was a sailor,
  dirty little runt,
  he sucked it and fucked it,
  and called it a cunt.

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Luis

• Do you practic safe sex?
  
  Yes, I moved the bed away from the wall
  so you won't hit your head as much.

• Q: Why are women afraid to wear dresses in winter?
  
  A: Because they'll get scared their going to get chapped lips

• Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

  
  However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

  
  There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

• Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

  His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

• how come blondes don't wear tampons?so their crabs don't go bungie jumping.

• There was a mother pregnant with triplets and one of the triplets ask the other one, "If you could be anything, what would it be?"
  
  One of them answered, "I'd be a plumber, so that I could get all of this water out of here."
  
  Another said, "I would be an electrician, so that we could have light in here."
  
  The third triplet answered, "I'd be a hunter, so that I could kill that damn squirrel that keeps popping its head in here."

• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

• There's something actionable in your pants.

• This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked.”Terrible, doctor, terrible.””Did it not work?””Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.””Then what is the problem, ma’am?””Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

• A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
  nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
  
  When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice
  hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
  
  The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
  
  No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
  
  The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
  
  The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
  
  "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
  
  "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
  
  "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

• What’s the difference between a sex night with the husband and one with the truelove?About a half an hour...

• What did the tornado say to the coconut tree??
  
  Hold on to your nuts because here comes a blow job.

• The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
  
  - has to work hard;
  - has to work at great depths;
  - has to work upside down;
  - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
  - has to work in a high humidity environment;
  - has to work at high temperatures;
  - does not get weekends and holidays off;
  - does not get time off after extra hours of work;
  - has a hazardous work environment that often causes
  professional sickness.
  
  Request denied for the following reasons:
  
  - does not work 8 hours in a row;
  - does not answer immediately to all requests;
  - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
  - shows no fidelity to the workplace;
  - retires too early;
  - does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
  - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
  - sometimes leaves work, too early.

• Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

  
  Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

  
  One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

  
  The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"

  
  "Shit," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."

• 20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
  19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
  18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
  17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
  16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
  15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
  14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
  13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
  12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
  11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
  10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
  9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
  8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
  7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on
  too.
  6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
  5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....
  4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
  3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
  2. She yells out her own name.
  1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

• Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.

• Grandmother is so stupid, she’s gone on the pill because she doesn’t want any more grandchildren.

• Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

• Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings."

• Bigamy is having one wife too many, but so is monogamy.

• A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

• Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

• TROJAN CONDOM CO. INC.
  6944 Slippery Root drive
  Bendover, Mass.
  696969
  
  Dear: ________
  
  We regret to inform you that your application to model TROJAN condoms has
  been rejected.
  
  Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors
  feels that you do not achieve the positive, romantic image we are seeking
  for our product.
  
  A loose baggy and wrinkled condom does not promote a romantic image (your
  ingenious use of polygrip is admirable, but unfortunately, even that did not
  result in securing our product in place for the photographs taken.)
  
  Your interest in TROJAN condoms is appreciated, and we will retain your
  application on file in case the market for MICRO/MINI condoms ever shows a
  potential for development.
  
  Along with our thanks to you, we send your wife/girl friend/other our
  deepest sympathies.
  
  Yours Truly,
  
  Peter Skinner
  Director of Marketing
  TROJAN Condom Co. Inc.

• Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.

• A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

  
  The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

  
  The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

  
  Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

  
  They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

  
  A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

  
  Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

  
  Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"

  
  They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

  
  Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

  
  The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

• Q: What is the bird that represents America? A: The bald eagle.

  
  Q: What is the bird that represents peace and joy? A: The dove.

  
  Q: What is the bird that represents TRUE love? A: The SWALLOW!

• What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new surname.

• Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

  One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".

  So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.

  After a week they met in a bar.

  "Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".

  "A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

  The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."

• Michael Jackson and his wife are standing in the delivery room with their new born son. Michael asks the doctor, "Doctor, when will we be able to have sex?"

  
  The doctor says "I'd wait until he is at least 14."

• A couple is on their honeymoon. It's the first time they have ever slept together. The new wife goes into the bathroom to prepare herself. She comes out of the bathroom looking really hot.
  
  The new husband is lying on the bed. He looks up and says, "If you think I'm gonna stick my thing in there, your crazy!"
  
  The wife replies," But that's what your supposed to do on your honeymoon night."
  
  "No way, I'm not gonna do it."
  
  The wife replies, "Why?"
  
  "Because if I stick it in there, you'll bite it off."
  
  The wife laughs and says, "Where did you hear such a thing?"
  
  "My mother told me that women have teeth down there."
  
  "Oh honey, your mother just told you that because she didn't want you to have pre-marital sex. It will be fine."
  
  To this the husband replied," No way, my mother wouldn't lie to me."
  
  "Okay then, let me show you there are no teeth." She layed on the bed a spread her legs for her husband and said, "See. No teeth."
  
  To this the husband said, "Well no wonder you don't have any teeth, look at the horrible shape your gums are in."

• Q: How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
  
  A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

• Weak men have a lover, strong men – three.

• This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away. The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top."The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”.The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me…”At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urine sample with you.”The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit. He then has an idea. Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it. He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution. Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake. “There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”Next morning he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine. This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop.Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”

• Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love

• Two boys walk into a field where a lake sits in the middle. They see a naked woman swimming in there, and one immediatly runs in the other direction.
  
  The second boy runs after him and asks," Why did you run away?"
  
  The first boy replies, "My mom tells me if I see a naked woman, I will turn into stone, and I felt something getting hard."

• My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.

• What have Gynaecologists and Pizza Delivery Boys got in Common?

  
  The can both smell it, but they can't eat it!

• Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

• What do you call men who use the pull out method? Fathers.

• Morris, a 63-year old, comes home from the office early.
  
  He enters his bedroom, and sees his best friend Sam, on top of his nude 62 year old wife.
  
  Morris, shaking his head, says, "Sam, I have to, BUT YOU?"

• One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

• A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother.The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

• Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

• Virginity is curable.

• A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
  
  The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
  
  The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
  
  The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
  
  "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
  
  The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
  
  "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

• A man was in a rare tender mood and made love to his wife and afterward held her close.
  
  "I love you terribly," he whispered.
  
  "You certainly do," was her reply.

• A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
  
  The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
  
  "No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.
  
  "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
  
  "Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.

• Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 want to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

• Well, you know what they say: unlucky in love, get the clap.

• Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

  Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

  The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

  Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

  Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

  The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

  Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

  Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."

• This is the tail of Daniel Morgan,
  Who had a tiny sexual organ,
  It was just one inch when fully reared,
  When lying down it disappeared.
  It was just by chance they called him Danny,
  Half an inch less they?d have called him fanny,
  It gave his girlfriends such a shock,
  When they put their hands on his tiny cock,

  One day Dan read in the daily mail that things called falsies were on sale,
  For women who had tiny breasts they wore these things inside their vests,
  Now Dan said ?I'm no fool, why can?t I make a big false tool?
  So he worked all night to make a shopper,
  And he ended up with a great big whopper,
  It was twelve inches long and made of plastic,
  And would stretch any girls fanny, like elastic,
  It really was a lovely job and on the end was a big red knob,
  He tied it up with lots of twine and it really did look rather fine,
  Lying there beneath his pants,
  It looked just like an elephants.

  No other guy stood a chance when Dan attended the local dance,
  For when the girls danced with our Danny,
  His tool kept tickling round their fanny.
  The girls began to faint and swoon as Danny waltzed them round the room,
  But what a shock they had in stall,
  For one night dancing round the hall,
  Danny stopped and loudly cursed,
  He?d felt the string and strapping burst.
  Before he?d reached the nearest seat, his tool was dangling at his feet,

  A girl named Silvia made Dan sick for she gave his tool a spiteful kick,
  Poor Danny?s screams ran round the hall,
  For the string was tied round one of his balls.
  Of course by now the band was crackers,
  While in the gents Dan bathed his knackers.

  So if you?re like poor Daniel Morgan,
  And have a tiny sexual organ,
  Remember though it?s only wee,
  It?s always good enough, just to Pee!!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Andy

• I haven’t been the same since my testicles dropped. Mind you, I was hanging from a tree by them at the time.

• Q. How can you tell a head nurse?A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

• ‘Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.’ Fred Allen

• Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

• The Queen visits a major hospital to open a new ward.

  She is shown around first by a nurse so she can inspect the facilities.

  On her way, she hears orgasmic groans coming from a nearby room.

  She goes to the room to investigate and, upon arriving, finds that a man is masturbating on the bed.

  She asks the nurse "Why is that man doing that?"

  The nurse replies "Oh, he's got to relieve himself every so often because he has a disorder."

  "Oh, OK then," the queen said, and moved on, but on the way she hears more orgasmic groans.

  She looks in the room and sees a nurse giving a man a blowjob.

  The queen asks her escort "Why is that nurse giving that man a blowjob?"

  Her nurse escort says "Oh, he's got the same disorder as the man before, only this one's got health insurance!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Satans Caretaker

• A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

  
  "What would you like to do next?" he asked.

  
  "I wanna be weighed," she said.

  
  So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

  
  "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

  
  "I wanna be weighed," she said.

  
  He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

  
  The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

  
  "Wousy," said the girl.

• A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

  A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

  "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

  The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

• A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large it hurts her to have sex. After she has explained her problem to a lawyer, he tells her that he’ll file her petition. ‘Stuff that!’ says the woman. ‘Why can’t you go round and sandpaper his down a bit.’

• The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
  your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
  
  "Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
  
  Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
  
  "Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?
  
  "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
  

• Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

  He casually asked,"Grandma whats that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didnt say another word.

  Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy whats that?" She replied, "Well Johnny thats my beaver."

  Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Turtle

• If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong ...

• A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

• Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in.He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know? Your wife IS better.’

• An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

  
  After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

  
  "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

  
  After a short while he asked her what she was.

  
  "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

  
  A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

  
  "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

• How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

• Q: How do you know if a guy is sexist?

  
  A: If he hates every bone in a woman's body except his!

• A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

• Once upon a time there was a young girl named Cinderella. It was her one and only chance to go to the glamourous ball, but she was distraught - she was in her period and she didn't have a tampon! So she begged her Fairy Godmother to provide her with one, and the old woman agreed. "Be home by midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin!" she warned Cinderella as the young girl hopped into her carriage. The rest of the night, the Fairy Godmother stayed up worrying. Midnight came and went. The Fairy Godmother's eyes stayed glued to the clock. One, two, three o'clock in the morning passed and Cinderella was not home. Finally, at four o'clock, Cinderella bounced through the door of the house. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?" her Fairy Godmother exploded. "Relax," Cinderella said, smiling brightly. "I met the greatest guy tonight! I spent all evening with him!" The Fairy Godmother was elated. "You met a man? What would his name by my child?" "His name," Cinderella replied dreamily, "is Peter, Peter, Pumpkin-Eater."

• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.

• I’m a very giving lover – I give Green Shield Stamps.

• Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.”So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”

• Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

• A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

• Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

• A very depressed man walks into a bar. He sits down on a stool and orders a triple scotch. He quickly downs his drink and orders another. The bartender, seeing the man is in some distress, asks if he is alright. The man replies, "I just came home early from work and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I told her to pack her bags and go, it's finished between us."
  
  The bartender said "What about your friend?"
  
  The man replied, "I looked him straight in the eye and said... BAD DOG!"

• Anyone have any sex laying around they're not using I could borrow?

• Q: What is the difference between a man's penis and a cake?
  
  A: A woman is willing to spend fifteen minutes on a cake!

• My mother + my father – condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!

• Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

• Q: What is the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?
  
  A: Snowballs

• A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you.""Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready."He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands."Who the f**k are you?" the man asks."I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise."Those little bastards!"

• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

• One day Adam was walking along when God said to him, "I have a task for you Adam. I would like you to go down to my latest creation called Earth and see what you think of it, but your not to touch anything."
  
  Adam went down to have a look. As he was looking at the birds and the flowers a girl wearing only leaves came up to him and said her name was Eve. Then she grabbed Adams hand and stuck his fingers up her wet pussy.
  
  Adam smelled his hands and decided to wash them in the river.
  
  Later, Adam returned to Heaven and was talking with God.
  
  God said, "You touched something, didn't you?"
  
  Adam nodded and said, "Yes, but she made me touch her."
  
  God asked, "What did you do afterwards?"
  
  Adam answered, "I washed my hands in the river."
  
  God exclaimed, "Oh no! Now all the fish will smell!"

• The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?".
  
  "What ? You're crazy???!!!"
  
  "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
  
  "No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
  
  "At this time of the night no one will show up.."
  
  "I've already said NO, and NO!"
  
  "Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
  
  "NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
  
  "My love.. don't be like that.."
  
  At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

• Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex?Girl: A threesome.Boy: What's it called when two people have sex?Girl: A twosome.Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome.

• A husband and wife are walking down the street when a beautiful young woman blows the husband a kiss. ‘I met her last week,’ explains the husband. ‘Professionally of course.’ The wife replies, ‘Which profession? Yours or hers?’

• A Guy asks his friend, 'If they were to drop the bomb right now what would be the first thing you would do?'
  
  His friend says, 'I would screw the first thing that moved, what would you do?'
  
  The first guy says, 'I would stand very still for half an hour.'

• A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

• If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.

• Jones aside. ‘You’re in perfect health,’ he says. ‘Your wife didn’t give me an erection, either.’

• Name?Abdul Aziz.Sex?Three to five times a day.No, no...I mean male or female?Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.Holy cow!Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.But isn't that hostile?Horse style, doggy style, any style!Oh dear!No, no! Deer run too fast...

• A couple have just had sex. The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’ The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet. ‘Well,’ he says. ‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’

• Harry is very quick with the ladies, before they can tell him they’re not that sort of girl, it’s usually too late.

• A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

  "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

  "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

  And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
  
  Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

  "Go and get help!" he cried.

  "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

  "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

  Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

  The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

• Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

• Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?A. Erection Sets.

• Q: How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?A: It’s not hard.

• A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

• Q: How do you tell if a man has a high sperm count?
  
  A: The woman has to chew before she swallows!

• A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

  
  He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

  
  She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

• Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

• Did you hear about the idiot who put ice in his condom? He wanted to keep the swelling down.

• Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

• An Italian woman married an italian man. The Italian tradition for newlyweds is to sleep at your mother's house on your wedding night and remain a virgin until you are married.
  
  After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother's house. The man went up stairs and the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, "I don't want to go up there."
  
  Her mom said, "He's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll treat you well."
  
  When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt.
  
  She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!"
  
  Her mom said, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will treat you well."
  
  When she got upstairs, he took off his pants.
  
  She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!"
  
  Her mom said, "All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will treat you well."
  
  When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his foot was missing. She ran downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!"
  
  Her mom said, "Stay here! This is job for Mamma!"

• Two hookers standing on a street corner started discussing business.One of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "Sorry No, I just burped."

• Mary to Jill: ‘My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having two girls at once. Jill: ‘Most men do. What did you tell him?’ Mary: ‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?”’

• "Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the suspicious wife sneered.
  
  "No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

• Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?A: Full.

• Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.

• "Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?""Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!"The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife.So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sex in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!"The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."

• Apparently, he’s trying to become a father again, even though he’s now 87. And you have to admit that is an exceptionally low sperm count.

• What happens when a dwarf runs between a girls legs?He gets a clit around the head and a flap on the face.

• What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job while he was driving?They both fell off the motorcycle.

• Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

  
  "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

  
  The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

  
  The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."

• A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

• Q. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
  
  A. Look at the guy standing next to you and say, "Nice dick."

• What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.

• My wife is so kinky, when she was born, the doctor slapped her bottom to make her cry, and she said "Don't forget to pull my hair" I accidentally swallowed some WhiteOut last night.Woke up with a massive correction.

• A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
  
  "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
  
  The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his
  paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
  
  "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
  
  "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
  
  "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you
  every time!"
  

• A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to
  break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do."
  
  The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
  
  "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I
  think I can get you a show on TV." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "Penis
  Van Lesbian."
  
  "Excuse me?" questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian," again replies the young man.
  
  "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
  
  Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
  
  With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed
  it."
  
  "Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
  
  "Dick Van Dyke."

• What's the best pick up line in a gay bar?

  
  May I pull out your stool.

• Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters."The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig."The second man said ,"I slept like a cow."The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

• A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.

  
  Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m. the next morning. They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing.

  
  After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down." Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.

  
  The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.

  
  Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down," and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.

  
  That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river.

  
  As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down."

  
  "Down," the woman replied.

  
  A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down," the man asked.

  
  "Up," the woman said.

  
  "Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"

  
  "Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown!'"

• Murphy the bus driver is sitting in his cab when his supervisor comes along. ‘Hello, Murphy,’ he says. ‘What time did you pull out this morning?’ ‘I didn’t,’ replies Murphy. ‘And I’ve been worrying about it all day.’

• How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.

• During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A
  torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke
  or something - at least they would die laughing.
  
  The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I
  could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?"
  
  The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and
  whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge
  explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the
  navigator.
  
  As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator,
  "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator then told
  him the story.
  
  The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours.
  The torpedo missed!"

• Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sex?A: Call her and tell her.

• 1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

  2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

  3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

  4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

  5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

  6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

  7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

  8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

  9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

  10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

  11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

  12. If you fall off get right back on.

  13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

  14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

  15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

  16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

  17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

  18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

• Two condoms were walking past a gay bar.
  
  One condom said to the other, "Do you want to go in and get shit-faced?"

• There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

• Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy.

• A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.

• There's something actionable in your pants.

• A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some."How hard is it?" she asked."About as hard as my dick," he replies. To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"

• Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

• Dad, what happens if a condom tear?Look at yourself...

• TRUCK DRIVER
  A trucker was driving his fully-loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down the on them. He realized that they were not about to get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
  
  Furious, he got out of his cab and walked to the front of his truck. He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled, "What the heck is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn ? You could have been killed!"
  
  The man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concered and said, "Look I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.

• The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks,
  he is feeling displeased at the way she is working: not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
  
  Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few
  times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"
  
  The secretary's reply, "My lawyer."

• One day a lady went into a confesional and said to the father, "Father I called a man a 'son of a bitch.'"

  
  The father then replied, "What did he do to you?"

  
  She retold the story. I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabbed my ass.

  
  The preist interrupts, grabs her ass and says, "Like this?"

  
  She says, "Yes just like that."

  
  The priest replies, "Well that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

  
  So she continued wit the story. "Then he grabbed my breast."

  
  "Like this?" said the priest as he grabbed her breast.

  
  "Yes, just like that. Is what I did ok now?"

  
  "No." replied the priest.

  
  She then proceeded. "Then he stuck his penis in me."

  
  "Like this?" replied the priest, as he stuck his duplicated the act.

  
  "Yes." she said. "Is what I did ok now?"

  
  "No, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch" replied the priest.

  
  She then told him the last part. "Then he told me he had herpies."

  
  The priest replied "Why that son of a bitch!"

• This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

  
  Last week the competition went like this:

  
  Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex? Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian? Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate? Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian ! Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table. Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ? Brian: Yeah, alright. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi Brian. Brian: Hi Sharelle. Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth Honey. Sharelle: O.K. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ? Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em. Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse ! Radio Silence............ Advert Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

• A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
  
  His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time . . . and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.
  When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year . . . maybe on your anniversary.
  
  The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
  
  His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral
  sex now."
  
  "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
  
  "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom.And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck You' too.

• I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

• A salesman was walking down the street and saw a lady to which he had previously sold a purse made out of penis skin. He asked her, "How do you like your new purse?"

  
  She replied, "I love it! When I rub it, it becomes a suitcase!"

• The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

• An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

  After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

  "In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

  "This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."

  After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

  The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

  The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" She replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

• What did the vagina say to the penis.So do you cum here often.

• A child and his friend decided to sneak into his sister's room. They started to look around, but his sister was coming to her room. They hid in the closet and watched from there. The sister had with her a boyfriend. After a few moments of teasing, several moans and screams can be heard. Afterwords, the sister exclaims, "You've been where no man has been before."
  
  The child in the closet then noted, "He must have fucked her up the ass!"

• Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach.The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.The son comes running up to his mom and says: "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says: "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."So he goes back to play.Several minutes later he comes running back and says: "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

• A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

  
  "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

  
  "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

  
  "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

  
  My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

  
  "Thank you!" the woman responded.

  
  The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

  
  One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

• Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close they're connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

• Q: What do you call a guy who just perfomed oral sex with his girlfriend?
  
  A: Gladiator.

• There once was a man from El Sass.
  His balls were made out of brass.
  When they clanged together,
  It made stormy weather
  And then lightning shot out of his ass.

• A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?SON : At school(robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind)Okay I went to the movies!DAD : Which one?SON : Harry Potter(robot slaps Son again!)Okay I was watching porno.DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno!(robot slaps dad)MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!(robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)

• Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

• There once was three guys who didn't have any money. or any food.

  They had been stealing food for the past couple of days and still wern't satiafied.

  One guy finally said ,"Wouldn't it be better to ask for food instead of stealing it ?"

  They all agreed so one day they went up to this house and rang the door bell . An old lady answered .

  They asked her for food . She said she would only give them food if they slept with her .

  The first guy refused and so did the second, but the third guy was so hungry that he agreed.

  She took him into her barn and said to get started.

  He said he wanted to blindfold her and she agreed because she was so desperate.

  Once blindfolded he took a piece of corn and started fucking her with it. He threw that piece of corn out the barn window and took another piece of corn and started fucking her with that one.

  Afterwards she fed him like she said she would and he left .

  The two other guys told him they couldn't believe he had done that for food, especially since they had found free corn around the side of the barn.
  

• A man walks into the men's bathroom and starts peeing next to a midget. He looks down at the midget and says, "Jeez, you've got the longest cock I ever saw." "That's cause I'm a leprechaun. You'll have one just as long when you wake up tomorrow morning."says the midget. "Gee, thanks."says the guy. "Just do me one small favor"says the midget."Let me fuck you in the bathroom stall." The guy says okay and inside the stall, the midget is all over hime, he sucks his dick, he ejaculates in his mouth, finally, the midget fucks the guy's asshole. "How old are you?" says the midget. "35."says the guy. "Wow" says the midget. "Thirty five and he still believes in leprechauns!"

• Woman to doctor: ‘Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.’ Doctor: ‘And what are you taking for it?’ Woman: ‘Pepper.’

• Life is sexually transmitted.

• Q: What do you call a gay dinasour?
  A: A Megasore-ass

• Q. What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil in San Francisco?
  
  A. I see you're new in town

• What’s the sex?The sex in a disease. You always get in bed because of it.

• A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

  "You all have obsessions," he observed.

  To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

  He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

  At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

• King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.
  
  King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
  
  After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.
  
  A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
  
  "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
  
  "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
  
  After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
  
  Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
  
  "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
  
  But Sir Galahad was speechless.

• Harry is better at sex than anyone he know.Now all he needs is a partner.

• The church service was underway and they passed the collection plate.

  
  When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate, please stand up."

  
  A gay man stood up and said, "I did."

  
  The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate, I would like to let you pick out three hymns."

  
  Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!"

• Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
  
  A: Only if they don't work.

• A lady tells her husband, “My gynecologist said I can’t have sex for two weeks.” He replies, “What did your dentist say?”

• An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

• Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

  
  After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded guy is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

  
  "Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

  
  As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."

  
  "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

  
  Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too."

  
  Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

  
  Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

  
  "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

  
  Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."

• A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
  
  "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.
  
  He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
  
  "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.
  
  He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
  
  "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

• One day a little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He was in such shock that he ran to his room and hid in the closet. His father came in a few moments later and said "Don't worry son. Your mom and I were just making you a little sister." And the little boy got all excited and went out to tell all his friends about his new little sister.
  The next day the dad came home and found the little boy crying in his room. "Whats wrong?" He asked. The little boy whimpered and said,"Well, you know that little sister you and mommy were making me? Today the milkman ate it!"

• An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
  
  As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
  
  She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.
  
  He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
  
  Up and down the halls she goes again.
  
  Again, the same old man jumps out a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
  
  She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
  
  He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
  
  She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
  
  As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!
  
  The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, "Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

• I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

• ‘I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said “No”.’ Woody Allen

• A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife. He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!" He replied, "Thank God!"

• Lesbian: A mannish depressive with delusions of gender.

• An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe
  Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada.
  
  The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong
  place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"
  
  "Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you
  got forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"
  
  The receptionist looked perplexed, "Ready for what?"
  
  "I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."
  
  "How old are you, Pop?" she asked.
  
  "Ninety-two," he replied.
  
  "Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!"
  
  "Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his
  trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I
  owe you?"

• Q: Why did the gay guy put a nicotene patch on his penis?
  
  A: So it would limit him too 2 butts a day.
  
  

• A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."The guy left.A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."The guy left.A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."The guy left.The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

• Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

  He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 duaghters."

  The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig."

  The second man said ,"I slept like a cow."

  The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

• A man enters a full elevator and shouts, "Ballroom please."
  
  A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

• Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game."Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said.Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so."A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.""Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says.A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so."Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.He decides to go to a bar down the road.After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch."A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.He fixed everything.I asked him what I could do for payment."He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?"Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"

• Q. What is another name for pickled bread?
  
  A. Dill Dough

• Doggies just call it style.

• Anal intercourse is for assholes.

• Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?A: They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

• A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?" Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister" And then the boy replies "Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."

• Mother Teaches Her Child To Go To The BathroomMother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:1. Open your fly.2. Take out your equipment.3. Pull back the skin.4. Do your business.5. Let the skin forward.6. Stow your equipment.7. Close your fly.She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.

• Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

• Q: If you put six lesbians and six V.P.s in a room what do you have?
  
  A: Twelve people that don't do "dick".

• Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

• After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.He begins to worry."Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend, then?" he continues."No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear."Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured."No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers."Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

• Q: What do Kermit the Frog's hands smell like?
  
  A: Bacon.

• Good: Your daughter has got a new job. Bad: As a call girl. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very ugly: She makes more money than you.

• While two ladies are driving in a car, they pass a house with a sign saying "Fanny Licking Frogs $5 round back". Having nothing else to do, they decided to see what it was. As they entered the backyard they saw a small shed with a sign on it saying "fanny licking frog".

  
  The first lady entered the room and saw a small frog sitting on a stool and a slot to pay $5. She was curious so she pulled down her panties and sat near the frog. Nothing happened.

  
  Wanting to see something happen, she has her friend to go in and see if she can get it to work. Her friend pulled down her panties and sat near the frog. Again, nothing happened. Frustrated, she walked outside and asked a man who was gardening nearby, "Can we have our money back? The frog isn't working."

  
  The man leads them back into the shed and says "This is the last time I show you how frog!"

• This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.

  
  For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

  
  The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other.

  
  The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT pleased! "What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"

• ‘Its been a rough day. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.’ Rodney Dangerfield

• A black man was fishing and caught a gold fish.
  
  The fish said, "If you let me live, you can have three wishes!"
  
  The man let the fish go and said, "I'd like to be white, have a lot of water and watch pussys all the time!"
  
  The fish agreed and the man became a toilet in a little girl's room.

• A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. He buys a pack and shows his wife. ‘They’re in three colours,’ he tells her, ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’ ‘So what colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks. ‘Gold of course,’ replies the man. ‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ replies his wife. ‘It would be nice if you came second for a change!’

• Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
  
  "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm
  really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"
  
  "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment
  her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of
  your hand."
  
  About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
  
  "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
  
  "I took your advice."
  
  "Didn't you compliment her?"
  
  "Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for
  such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I
  started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts
  they sure were firm. She like that too."
  
  "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
  
  "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got
  her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another
  compliment."
  
  "What did you say?"
  
  "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
  
  

• What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? "What the Fuck!" and "What a Fuck!"

• A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

  
  He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

  
  The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

  
  So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.

  
  She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

  
  He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

• An American tourist in Mexico wakes up in the morning and goes out for his workout. He drops and starts to take 20, when the Mexican bellboy shows up and says: "Eeeeh, henor, I think the heniorita has left!"

• One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first time in her life.
  
  Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny.
  
  Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
  
  Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

• After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
  
  "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have
  you slept with?"
  
  "Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
  
  Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
  
  "Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen . . ."

• A high school girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone.
  
  Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said, "It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him 'what will be
  the name of our baby?', that will scare them off." So off she went.
  
  After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and,little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
  
  The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
  
  Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders . . . she stopped him and asked him about the baby's name, he ran off.
  
  Later on another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
  
  He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.
  
  He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
  
  After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, tied it in a knot and said, "If he gets out of this one . . . David Copperfield!"

• When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind' statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky.'

  
  Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'Good luck Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

  
  On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL., while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

  
  When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows and Armstrong went to get the ball.

  
  His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Oral sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

• You still use Internet Explorer? You must like it nice and slow.

• 1. But everybody looks funny naked!
  2. You woke me up for that?
  3. Did I mention the video camera?
  4. Do you smell something burning?
  5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
  6. Try breathing through your nose.
  7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
  8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
  12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
  13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
  14. Do you accept Visa?
  15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
  16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
  19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
  21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
  23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned
  this
  couch!
  25. Got any penicillin?
  26. But I just brushed my teeth...
  27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  29. I want a baby!
  30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
  31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
  32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  34. I think you have it on backwards.
  35. When is this supposed to feel good?
  36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
  38. Is that blood on the headboard?
  39. Did I remember to take my pill?
  40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
  42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
  43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
  47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
  48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
  50. You're almost as good as my ex!
  51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
  potatoes?
  53. You look younger than you feel.
  54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  60. What tampon?
  61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
  62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  64. I have a confession...
  65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
  69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
  70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  72. Did you come yet, dear?
  73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
  fantasizing about...
  74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  75. Does this count as a date?
  76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
  77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
  78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
  79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
  80. When would you like to meet my parents?
  81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really
  like...
  Woman: .... Er... Yourself?
  82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
  83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
  light?
  87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
  89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
  91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
  92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer."
  93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
  94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  95. Is this a sin, too?
  96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
  99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
  100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
  101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
  

• Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

• My wife and I really love bondage.She loves it because she's a kinky bitch.I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours.

• In sunny Califorina there was a man who was very proud of his tan. He had taned every part of his body except his penis. So wanting an all over tan, he decided to bury himself in the sand and leave only his dick out to get the all over tan that he craved. Now there happened to be an old lady (around 80) hobbling down that same beach. When she looked down and saw this penis laying on the sand. Taking her cane she touched it and it got hard. She said " 40 years ago I would have given anything for one of thoughs and here that are growing wild.

• "Babe is it in?" "Yea.""Does it hurt?" "Uh huh.""Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts.""Okay, let's try another shoe size."

• What do you get when you cross Monica Lewinsky and Ted Kazansky? A dynamite blowjob

• Q: What did one lesbian frog say to her partner?

  
  A: "You know, we do taste like chicken."

• A couple went to a gallery to look at some art. One painting was of a beautiful, naked woman with only a little foliage covering her private area.
  
  The wife thought the picture was in bad taste and moved on quickly, but the husband lingered, completely transfixed.
  
  "What are you waiting for?" asked his wife. "Autumn?"

• A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

• Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.
  
  Dudley said, "Well, I'm no John D. Rockefeller, but I'll buy."
  
  After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.
  
  Dudley smiled and said, "I'm no Fred Astaire, but I'll give it a whirl."
  
  Later, she suggested that they go up to her room.
  
  "I'm no Cary Grant," replied Dudley, "but I'll follow you up there."
  
  They leave and go to the lady's apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.
  
  Afterward, the lady says, "What about some money?"
  
  Dudley shot back, "Well, I'm no gigolo, but I'll take it!"

• What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man.

• A man was telling his wife that he wanted to go to this country in which women paid men twenty dollars every time they had sex. She replied, "I do too!" He gets confused and asks why. She tells him, "I'd like to see how long you can last on forty dollars a month."

• The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.

• She was hungry for love and didn’t know where her next male was coming from.

• One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

  The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

  He asked how.

  She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

  The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

  He asked how.

  "I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

  Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

  The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

• A family is at the dinner table.The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.After 50, they are like onions.”“Onions?”the son asks.“Yes.You see them and they make you cry.”This infuriated his wife and daughter.The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

• A woman calls the local radio station to request an old song. Unfortunately, she calls the number and gets a plumber by mistake.

  
  "Hello?" she asks. "Do you have 'Hot Lips on a Moonlit Night'?"

  
  He replies, "No, but I have hot nuts and an eight inch pipe."

  
  She asks, "Is that a record?"

  
  The man replie "Heck no but that's better than average."

• Man to vicar: ‘Do you approve of sex before marriage?’ Vicar: ‘Not if it delays the service.’

• I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened
  one day.
  
  The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and
  asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarassed to
  speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
  
  The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another
  hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat
  auditorium, "A hundred and one."
  
  The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out
  who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who
  replied, "Seven."
  
  And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
  
  Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she
  acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one
  sir."
  
  And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what
  position would that be?"
  
  "With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
  
  And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"

• A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
  
  The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
  
  The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
  
  The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
  
  The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
  
  "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

• Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
  
  The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone.
  
  The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone.
  
  The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
  
  St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?"
  
  "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
  
  St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
  
  The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter.
  
  He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

• A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

  
  "1956," was his immediate reply.

  
  "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

  
  "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

• "Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife.
  
  "No, dear" she replied "This time I was really asleep."

• Sex Contract
  
  I, _______________________, hereby surrender all
  possibilities of friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication.
  
  I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger.
  
  I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly, if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of herefore listed activities not leave underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document.
  
  I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.
  
  Signed,
  
  _____________________________________
  Fornicator At Large

• This little old man was selling vacuum cleaners. He rang this door bell,and a very beautiful girl opened the door,wearing only a bathrobe.

  
  He said, "Lady I would like to demonstrate this vacuum cleaner for you."

  
  She said, "OK but first what do you think of this body?" She opened her robe and exposed her nude body.

  
  "It's fine, but I still have to demonstrate this vacuum cleaner."

  
  She took his hands and placed them on her breasts and told him to feel how soft and firm they were.

  
  "They are nice but I still have to demonstrate this vacuum cleaner."

  
  She then took his hand and placed it between her legs, rubbing his hands on her and said, "Isn't that so soft, warm, and moist?"

  
  He said, "Yes, but I still want to demonstrate this vacuum cleaner."

  
  She said, "Wait you had better come inside. I hear someone coming."

  
  They went in side and she dropped her robe. Standing there nude she asked, "What do you think is the most outstanding part of my body?"

  
  He said, "Well it has to be your ears."

  
  She said, "What do you mean my ears?"

  
  He said, "You know when you said to come in because you heard someone coming? Well it was me!"

• Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

• A woman goes into a noisy launderette and asks the assistant to do a service wash. ‘What?!’ shouts the assistant. ‘Come again?!’ ‘No!’ shouts back the woman.‘This time it’s mustard!’

• In an elementary school, the teacher gives school work to the class. Everybody writes except little John. The teacher asks him: John, why aren’t you writing?I’m exhausted because of sex.That should not be a problem, write with your left hand.

• A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on.He says " Doc I can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back!!" The Doc says " There is an experimental procedure where the muclesof a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis, thisgives you the full use of your penis." Great I'll do it.Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date.He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it. It happens again.So he figured it just needed some air. So he unzips his pants to let itout. The problem seemed to go away until his penis reached up onto thetable, grabbed a roll and disapeared back under the table. His date staredin complete awe and said " Can you do that again". He said " Probally but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."

• What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.

• How do you fit 3 sluts on a stool?
  Turn it upside down.

• Superman was flying around one night just having a good time when he noticed Wonder Woman on the ground, spread out, naked. Superman says "Wow God! Oh Oh Yeah. Well I guess because I am the
  fastest man in the world I can go and do my business with her." So he goes down and boom boom boom, then he flies off.
  Wonder woman says "Invisible Man what was that?"
  Invisible Man says "I don't know but my ass is burning off."

• A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time
  again, all night long.
  
  Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the
  bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.
  
  Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
  
  He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
  
  And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

• Robert came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', Asked Robert.'I'm going to Nairobi', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get 4000 a night for what I give you for free!'Robert said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.Robert said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on 8000 a year!'

• As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

• A man says to his wife, ‘You know what, two inches more and I’d be king.’ She replies, ‘Two inches less and you’d be queen.’

• What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? "Are you done?"

• Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

• That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

• An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
  
  She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did
  you know you were speeding?"
  
  The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
  
  The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
  
  The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
  
  The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
  
  The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
  
  The woman gives him her license.
  
  The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there
  once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
  
  The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"
  
  "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

• Scientists have developed a new pill that will now help impotent allergy suffers. By combining Allegra to take care of the allergies, and Viagra for the impotency, it gives you an erection not to be sneezed at!

• There is a fish in a lake watching a fly 3 inches above the water. The fish thinks if that fly goes down three inches I'll get it.

  
  Meanwhile on the bank a bear is watching the fish and the fly and thinks, if that fly goes down three inches the fish will jump for the fly and I'll get the fish.

  
  While behind the bear on a hill a hunter is watching everything and thinks that if that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump for the fly, and the bear will go for the fish, and I'll shoot the bear.

  
  Behind the hunter though, is a mouse. The mouse thinks that if the fly goes down three inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will get the bear, and I'll get the hunter's cheese.

  
  Now stalking the mouse is a cat, the cat thinks that if the fly goes down three inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will get the bear, the mouse will get the hunter's cheese and I'll get the mouse...

  
  So the fly goes down three inches and the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the mouse gets the cheese, but the cat misses the mouse and falls into the water and drowns.

  
  The moral of the story is for every fly that goes down three inches there is a wet pussy.

• What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

• Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You bastard!"You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.

• A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
  
  The police get called in to break up the fight.
  
  The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."
  
  The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
  "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
  what happened."
  
  The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
  
  The judge says "OK."
  
  "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music
  kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
  
  The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"
  
  Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"

• The three words most hated by men during sex: ‘Are you done?’ The three words most hated by women during sex, ‘Honey, I’m home!’

• Sex is like a motor racing - the most important thing is not to save money for bes quality rubber.

• As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers? lane, she sighed romantically: "It?s lovely out here tonight?just listen to the crickets."

  
  "Those aren?t crickets," her date replied. "They?re zippers."

• One day, a sunday-school teacher asked her students what they thought going to heaven would be like.
  
  Little Suzy answered: "I think you go up head-first, because your head is where you think about God."
  
  Then little Joseph raised his hand and said: "I think you go up heart-first, because God lives in your heart."
  
  Then little Tommy says: "I think you go up feet-first!"
  
  The teacher asked him: "Why do you believe this, Tommy?"
  
  To which Tommy replied: "Because I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom and saw mommy sticking her feet into the air saying 'Oh God, I'm coming!' and if daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, she would have floated away for sure!"

• As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

  He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

  He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

  He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

  His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

  After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

  You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

  Naughty, Naughty!

  Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Mariaum/Mira

• A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the physical she says, "You can get dressed now, your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you."
  
  When the patient gets to the office, the MD says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I couldn't find a thing
  wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of
  patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."
  
  The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that, you see, I have a woman in three times a week."
  

• In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
  
  A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
  
  "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
  
  After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class . . . and never returned.
  
  However, as she was going out the door, the professor, absoultely straight-faced, answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

• I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special.

• One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attractedto him and during her questions about his life she asked himhow he managed for sex."What's that?" he asked.She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use ahole in the trunk of a tree."Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'llshow you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes,laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," shesaid, "You must put it in here."Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave heran almighty kick, right in the crotch.Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?""Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.

• On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night
  having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three weeks
  later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his
  Penis.
  
  He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip
  and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the
  only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified, and decided to get
  a second opinion.
  
  Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said
  "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away."
  
  Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an
  oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr.
  Chu Wong.
  
  Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These
  Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not
  necesally."
  
  Joe was relieved.
  
  Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

• Note on a condom vending machine read:

  
  If this machine doesn't work, see the bar manager.

  
  If it does, see the barmaid.

• The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during
  her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is
  the meaning of this?"
  
  The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
  
  If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly."
  
  "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
  
  On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
  
  The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

• I think you’ll find that any of my lady companions will tell you I’m a ‘five times a night man’. I really shouldn’t drink so much tea before I go to bed.

• A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

• 1.The Direct Approach.
  
  Description: You just say it.
  
  Examples -
  
  1. "I got my period today" (The simple version)
  2. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight" (The "let there be no doubt" version)
  3. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight. Deal." (The "one word and you're out" version)
  4. "Honey, I'm bleeding" (The gross version)
  
  Benefits: Fast, simple, gets the message across. Amusing results can be achieved when the timing is right. Such as when you're in a public place or sat
  down eating dinner. More amusing results can be achieved when you're sat down eating dinner with his parents. The best results, of course, will be achieved when you're sat down eating dinner with his parents in a public place.
  
  Cautions: May freak out some men, if
  you're unsure about the nature of the relationship you're in but would rather not find out at this stage - go for an alternative approach. Sometimes best to keep till the last minute, like when he can't tell you to go home. Will give away the fact that you regard it as an
  issue (that is, if you regard it as an issue)
  
  Requirements: At least a little bit of courage and an open, well established relationship are advisable.
  
  
  2.The Casual (or "by the way") Approach.
  
  Description: You talk about something else and then slip the line in when he's not expecting it.
  
  Examples -
  
  1. "Oh, I got my period today" (the simple version)
  2. "Oh look! we've almost run out of milk... Oh by the way, I got my period today" (The "obscure chain of thought version")
  3. "Oh, yeah, and I got my period today too" (the "I am being direct but I didn't think it was that important"
  version)
  
  Benefits: Cunning, fast, fairly simple, gets the message across. Doesn't require as much courage as the direct approach.doesn't make you look like you're making s big issue out of it.
  Cautions: Still requires some sort of courage. When done badly may be taken as the direct approach only even more so cause you supposedly tried to be subtle about it. Requirements: A little bit of courage still, some manipulation skills and knowing to spot the difference between the right moment and the wrong moment.
  
  
  3.The Humorous Approach
  
  Description: Turn it into a little joke.
  
  Examples -
  
  1. You (in an excited tone of voice): "Guess what I got?"
  Him: "what? what?"
  You: "my period"
  2. You: "There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is that you didn't get me pregnant."
  Him: "And the bad news?"
  You: "The way I find out" (The "may need some clarification for the
  stupid" version)
  
  Benefits: Endearing, amusing, makes the whole thing more relaxed and fun for both of you.
  
  Cautions: May not work if he doesn't have a sense of humour. May take a few more sentences to explain what you mean if he's not very bright. You need to come up with new jokes all the time unless he has a very short memory.
  
  Requirements: Both of you must have a sense of humour for this to work.
  
  
  4.The Subtle Approach.
  
  Description: Instead of telling him, you give little hints that make him figure out for himself.
  
  Examples -
  
  1. Spread alot of tampons around the house in obvious places. (The very subtle version)
  2. Ask him if he's seen your pack of tampons. (The slightly less subtle version)
  3. Send him to buy you more tampons (The even less subtle version)
  4. Talk about the way you feel when you have your period till he asks (the possibly very long version)
  
  Benefits: Takes the load off you. Doesn't require courage. Useful for times when you want to get the message across without giving away your overall
  intentions (like when you're trying to play hard to get but your intention is to eventually get laid)
  
  Cautions: may take a long time and possibly not deliver the message at all.
  
  Requirements: The man must have a functioning brain with at least one clue in order for this method to work.
  
  5. The "Let the bastard figure it out" Approach
  
  Description: You act out your PMS till he asks if you got your period. Then you get upset and act out your PMS some more for good measure.
  
  Examples -
  
  1. Be grumpy and mean (the toned down version)
  2. Throw something heavy at him (the not so toned down version)
  3. Do something horrible to his favourite things, like burn his favourite pair of boxers or sell his CD
  collection (the fun version)
  
  Benefits: Fun, fairly direct and you don't have to raise the issue yourself, if it works.
  
  Cautions: When taken the wrong way, may lead to some relationship woes. If you follow example 2, may involve the police coming round.
  
  Requirements: A tolerant man is advisable if you care about whether or not he sticks around/survives. A first
  aid kit can sometimes help.
  
  6.The "Periods can be fun!" Approach
  
  Description: When you tell him. try and soften the blow by talking about something fun you could do that you
  wouldn't do otherwise.
  
  Examples -
  
  1. "I got my period today honey, we can finally go out and see what colour the sky is!" (the "wonderful new opportunities" version)
  
  2. "I got my period today honey, we can explore out intelectual side tonight instead of just having sex like everybody else" (the "god I hope he falls for this psychology-fluff crap" version)
  
  3. "I got my period today honey, we can go out and so something fun, we haven't been doing that recently, I'll pay"(the wimpy bribery version)
  
  Benefits: Delivers the message. when it works - it makes them feel happy and in touch with their feminine side or at least well fed for less cash.
  
  Cautions: Sometimes they don't fall for it. Lacks self respect.
  
  Requirements: The ability to talk shit and a nice loaded wallet are advisable.
  
  7.The Sympathy Approach
  
  Description: Make him feel so sorry for your monthly suffering he won't have time to think of his minor inconvenience.
  
  Examples -
  
  1. "Owwww cramps" (the pained version)
  2. "Yuck blood" (the "I'm totally grossed out, your cue to tell me I'm beautiful" version)
  3. "Don't mind me, I'll just sit here and hate myself and drown in blood and be in pain for a whole week" (The dreaded Jewish guilt trip version)
  
  Benefits: Fun, gets the message across very well, gets you sympathy when it works.
  
  Cautions: May be lost on the asshole bastard ones. Has to be done convincingly in order to work.
  
  Requirements: some skills in the fishing department are advisable.
  
  
  8.The Sweet Surprise Approach
  
  Description: Don't tell him.
  
  Examples -
  
  1. "Oh yeah. I got it today, forgot to tell you. Sorry about the mess." (the regretful version)
  2. "Ok, I won't tell you it's blood. Happy now?" (the no regrets version)
  3. "Haven't you ever seen a tampon before?" (the duuuuuuuuuuh approach)
  4. "Naaah it's ok we don't have to have sex tonight, I'm tired too" (the lucky version)
  
  Benefits: you don't have to do anything and if you're lucky - he never finds out.
  
  Cautions: very risky, they normally do find out and sometimes they don't take it well.
  
  Requirements: A very laid back man and a good washing powder are advisable.
  
  

• Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.
  
  Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
  
  Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
  
  "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
  
  "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
  
  She smiles and they start kissing.
  
  When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
  
  Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
  
  "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
  
  "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
  
  They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
  
  Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
  
  Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
  
  Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

• A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

• Q:Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?A:They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

• A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

  The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

  The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

  The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

  Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

  The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

• A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?"The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.

• One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

  
  The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

  
  So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

  
  The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

  
  The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

  
  The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

• Three Nuns are walking down the street when a flasher jumps out and flashes them.
  
  Two of them have a stroke. The other one could not reach it.

• Q: How can you tell the different clans in Scotland?

  
  A: You lift his kilt and if it's a quarter pounder, he's a McDonald!

• How do girls get minks? The same way minks get minks.

• What´s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms.

• Doc, every time after sex I hear whistle.What's your age?70.You know, this is very natural. It would strange if you heard applause...

• A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.""What?" said the puzzled groom."How can that be if you've been married 10 times?""Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!""Good," said the new husband, "but, why?""You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

• My dad used to always warn me about anal. He would say "Now son, this may hurt a bit".

• On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
  
  "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
  
  "Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

• Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

• A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel.
  
  When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
  
  She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

• There were 3 prostitutes who all decide to try to lead a normal life. The bet way to do this, they decide, is to get married. The first prostitute, who had only be one for a few months, uses an elastic band to tighten her nether reigions so she doesn't appear to have been a prostitute. After the wedding, they are having sex, when her husband hears a TWANG he says "What was that?" She replies "Oh it was just my virginity breaking. The second prostitute has been one for over a year and she uses knicker elastick to tighten herself up a bit. After the wedding, they're having sex, theres a TWANG the man asks "what was that?", His wife replies "Oh it was just my virginity" The third prostitue has been one for almost 6 years, and has to resort to industrial strength rubber to tighten herself up. After the wedding They are having sex and theres a TWANG the man Asks "What was that?" She replies "Oh it was just my Virginity" the man says "well get after it its taken my dick off"

• How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

• What´s the difference between a goodyear and a fucking good year? 365 condoms.

• Anal Boot [n] - An anal boot is when you take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with their cock and then the
  mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.
  
  Australian Death Grip [n] - The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars.
  Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.
  
  Beef Curtain [n] - The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam (aka Beef Drapes, Meat Tarp, Piss Flappers, Quim Nuts, Vertical Bacon
  Sandwich).
  
  Blocking the Box [n] - When you and your pal are
  double-teaming a chick - he's got her from behind, you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due to Bad Conditions).
  
  Chocolate Cha-Cha [n] - Anal Sex. Used in a sentence: "John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all night." (aka Driving the Hershey Highway, Riding the Dirt Trail, Utilizing the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye )
  
  Consolation Prize [n] - When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you're going to get laid, and from all of the drinks you've been feeding her all night long, she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and didn't get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term consolation prize.
  
  Cum Dumpster [n] - Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times, hence she is full of cum.
  
  DDF [n] - Distance Distortion Factor - refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection - "good from far, far from good". Used in a sentence: "Woah, she's hot... wait a sec...ugggh major DDF!"
  
  Fugly [n] - Fucking Ugly. Used in a sentence: "Damn that bitch was fugly!"
  
  Fumilingus [v, n] - When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.
  
  Game of Smiles [n] - This games involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who "smiles" has to buy a round of beer for the rest.
  
  Going to the Bullpen [v] - The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of "paves the way".
  
  Goobin [n] - One of the many wives had by an old-style Mormon who is not the main wife. The setup usually involves having your one "main" wife and the rest of your other wives who are strictly used for procreation. Hence "Goobin" - a bin for his goo. Used in a sentence: "Mary's one of John's goobins".
  
  Jim Henson [v] - When you fist someone and physically lift them off the ground. (aka The Muppett, Ass Puppett, Meat Puppett)
  
  Kennebunkport Surprise [n] - The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England Chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while chewing box.
  
  Leave-in Conditioner [n] - Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman's hairdo at a public gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse to swallow the evidence
  
  Matching Drapes [n] - Reference to whether or not a woman's pubic hair color matches the hair on her head. Used in a sentence: "Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder do the curtains match the drapes?".
  
  Mung [n, v] - Two people dig up the corpse of the recently deceased. One undresses the mungee and places his mouth over the labia. The other backs up and does a running jump onto the corpse's chest. The second person has to eat everything that enters his mouth. Insult, seen here in context: "I'm going to mung your grandmother!"
  
  Paying the Rent [n] - A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.
  
  Pencil Sharpener [n] - A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up something awful.
  
  Reading the Defense [n] - The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. "Reading the Defense" refers to making all of the proper "game time adjustments" as to not get caught cheating
  later on a some point. Having Beer Goggles on makes it very hard to Read the Defense.
  
  Rusty Trombone [n] - The process by which one person is tossing a guy's salad, and then reaches around and gives them a hand job.
  
  San Diego Surprise [n] - The act of bringing a girl home and while fucking her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the time.
  
  The Southern Trespass [n, v] - The Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in
  intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly
  switches from the woman's vagina to the corn hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rain storm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.
  
  Throwing A Pickle Down A Hallway [v] - An expression for when you've just layed the pipe to some chick (usually fat) who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: I may as well have just thrown a pickle down the hallway instead of fucking Fat Fanny's loose gash.
  
  Tossing Salad [n] - Licking another's anus. Done in prison as payment for drugs.
  
  Twinkler [n, v] - When you are 69-ing with a hunee and she gags on your member and you can see her bung-hole pucker up.
  
  Tupperware Party [n] - When three guys are triple-teaming a chick . . . one with his hog in her mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because she is sealed air-tight.
  
  Times Square Shuttle [n] - You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each other. You then alternately fuck each of them while they chow each other. You go from the missionary position on one and run to the other side and work in doggie style on the other one. Repeat as many times as necessary / possible. (aka Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing Ping Pong, The Gunga Din)
  
  Valsalva [n] - The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of engagement will be going forward

• A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man. "No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

• The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, ‘Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?’ To which the doctor responded, ‘To avoid criticism.’

• A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

• I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

• Little Chick: Am I a person?
  
  Big Chick: No, you are a chicken.
  
  Little Chick: Do chickens come from people?
  
  Big Chick: No, chickens come from eggs.
  
  Little Chick: Are eggs born?
  
  Big Chick: No, eggs are laid.
  
  Little Chick: Are people laid?
  
  Big Chick: Not all . . . some are chicken!

• Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
  
  "Hey, bud, how are ya?"
  
  "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
  
  "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
  
  "No way, how could that be?"
  
  "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
  tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
  
  "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
  
  "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
  
  So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
  Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
  
  The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

• ‘Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.’ Rodney Dangerfield

• A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

• Three guys walk into a topless dance club and sit down.
  
  When the women come out, the first one pulls out ten dollars, licks it and slaps it on one of the dancer's cheeks and says, "Top that!"
  
  The second one says "OK" and pulls out a fifty dollar bill and says "There! Beat that!"
  
  The third one says, "That's going to be tough to beat." So he pulls out his ATM card swipes it through the crack and pulls out sixty dollars.

• Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
  
  "Hey, bud, how are ya?"
  
  "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
  
  "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
  
  "No way, how could that be?"
  
  "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right
  tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
  
  "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
  
  "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
  
  So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
  Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
  
  The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

• One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard."

• Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.

• Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. They are in court and the judge askes Mickey "Your divorcing Minnie because she is insane?"
  
  Mickey replied "No judge I'm divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy!"

• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

• Hi, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual.

• Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK masturbate in the shower, and the other half sing. Do you know what they sing?’ Friend: ‘No I don’t.’Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’

• Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their client's wife in bed with another man.
  
  "Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."
  
  "Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

• Long, long ago in a land far away, a beautiful girl wished on a falling star that she may go to a ball the the Prince was having. When magically appeared her very own fairy godmother, she granted Cinderella her wish and sent Cinderella to the ball in a beautiful blue dress with crystal slippers, a glorious carriage with 6 white horses and 2 handsome coachmen. She had one warning for Cinderella, she said " Cinderella, you have to be home by midnight, That is when my magic spell will be broken. Oh and one more thing, I have put a curse on you if you do not return home by the appointed hour your pussy will turn into a pumpkin." "Ok" said Cinderella. And off she went to the ball. The fairy godmother waited and waited and waited but Cinderella did not come home by midnight, she didn't return until 9am the next morning. The fairy godmother asked her "where were you? You knew that you had to be home by midnight" Cinderella replied, "I met a man.....his name is Peter-Peter"

  
  (for those of you who don't know who "Peter-Peter" is, he is a famous fairy tale "pumpkin" eater)

• One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him: I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the ginecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh. The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep... Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again ,he whispers to her: Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?

• Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!

• "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

  
  "Look, I can't prescribe..."

  
  "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

  
  The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

  
  "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

  
  "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

  
  "Um... okay."

  
  The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

  
  And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

  
  Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee.

  
  His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

  
  His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

• What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.

• Q: What was Lorena Bobbit's maiden name?
  
  A: Lorena Kutchacockoff

• Jane. ‘It didn’t work for us.’‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary.‘You have to go alone.’

• This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

• Q. What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?
  
  A. Her feet.

• There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

• It’s the morning after the honeymoon. The wife says, ‘You know, you’re a really lousy lover.’ The husband replies, ‘How can you possible tell that after only 30 seconds.’

• The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution.On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

• Viagra is like Disneyland; a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

• A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college. The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse. He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in. The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window. The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress. As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window. Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing. The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?"The farm boy replies, "Ah ain't never been with no woman before but, if it's anythin' like fuckin' sheep, we gonna need all the room we can git."

• This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.

  His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.

  "FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.

  To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...

  "Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.

  Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.

  "You didn't!" she hoped.

  He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."

  Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"

  "No no really," answers the man.

  Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"

  He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"

• An old couple decide to get married after years of courting. They sit down to discuss the marriage arrangements and the prospective bridegroom brings up the subject of sex. ‘Oh dear,’ says his aging fiancée. ‘As far as sex goes I’d have to say, infrequently.’ ‘Pardon?’ replies the bridegroom.‘Was that one word or two?’

• It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

• Karma is like 69. You get what you give.

• Nigel, a college student is talking to a friend. ‘Y’ know,’ he says. ‘I think my room-mate is queer.’ ‘Why d’you say that?’ asks the student. ‘Well,’ replies Nigel. ‘Every time I kiss him goodnight he shuts his eyes.’

• A guy takes the prettiest girl in town out for a date. On the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He
  starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
  
  He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
  
  "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
  
  "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
  
  She nods.
  
  "Well, it's just like that."
  
  So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, and he screams out in pain.
  
  "What's wrong?!" she cries out.
  
  "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"

• Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in
  the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
  
  The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
  "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." he said.
  
  "An ambulance just drove by."
  
  A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
  
  Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
  
  "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

• Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don’t need a partner if you’ve got a good hand.

• If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper sleep with?

• Q: "What is the difference between like and love?" A: "Spit and swallow."

• A guy who likes to eat, drink and
  be Mary!

• A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear
  condoms.
  
  One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.
  
  The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
  
  The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife
  is pregnant again?"
  
  "He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."

• A women was pregnant with triplets.

  One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

  She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

  So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

  The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

  On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Mario Vega

• Randy Rachel has got a speech impediment – she can’t say no.

• Two old soldiers, Fred and Harry, are sitting in their club. Harry turns to Fred and says, ‘When was the last time you made love to a woman?’ Fred thinks for a moment then says, ‘1947.’ ‘Good heavens,’ says Harry. ‘That’s a very long time ago.’ ‘Not reall

• There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a
  nursing mother.
  
  Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.
  
  The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
  
  The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.
  
  Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
  
  One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
  
  The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"

• This little boy walked in on his mom in the bathroom and noticed the hair on her private area. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what is that?"

  
  She replied, "this is my washcloth."

  
  The little boy went on his way.

  
  One evening the woman and her husband were beginning to make love and he asked her to do something different and shave her hair off. She agreed.

  
  A week or so after that the little boy had walked in on his mother again but this time she didn't have any hair. So the little boy asked with concern, "Mommy, what happen to your washcloth?"

  
  She replied, "I lost it."

  
  Later that day the little boy came running up to his mom and said, "Mommy, I found your washcloth."

  
  She replied confused, "Where did you find it?"

  
  He told her that the lady next door was washing Daddy's face with it!

• Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored birth control pill" for women that they take immediately before sex?They're called "Predickamints".

• A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
  
  "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."
  
  "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
  
  "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

• Q. Why are guys so smart during sex?

  
  A. Because they're plugged into a genius!!

• Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband:Honey, I have a sad news - a gynecologist told me not have sex for a three weeks...Husband:And what the dentist said?

• Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
  
  A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
  

• Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
  
  First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
  
  Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
  
  Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can
  remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with
  my mother!"

• A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm
  stumped."
  
  His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it . . . she'll probably be thrilled."
  
  So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
  
  "Yes, I did," said the fellow.
  
  "Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
  
  "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'"

• My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

• Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp only to discover a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years?" she exclaimed.

  
  "Honey! Let me explain!" he replied.

  
  "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"

  
  "Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!"

• Rich, Eddie and Michael decided to visit a prostitute.
  
  It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
  
  When Rich comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
  
  "$75 dollars," said Rich with a wink and a smile.
  
  Eddie goes in and returns with a fee of $85, and several "high fives." The first two were proud of their prowess.
  
  Michael goes in and returns.
  
  "How much did she charge you?" asks Rich.
  
  "$20 dollars," replies Michael.
  
  Both Rich and Eddie started laughing hysterically.
  
  "Hey guys," replied Michael, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"

• Q: Why couldn't the Jack-O-Lantern get the witch pregnant?
  
  A: Because he had a Halloweeny

• The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
  
  Effective January 1, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size.
  
  The brackets are as follows:
  
  10-12" Luxury Tax $30.00
  8-10" Pole Tax $25.00
  5-8" Privilege Tax $15.00
  4-5" Nuisance Tax $3.00
  
  Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
  
  PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!!!
  
  
  IRS NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
  
  Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
  
  What if one's penis is self employed?
  
  Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
  
  Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

• Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm . . . but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.

• Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?A. Fucks Funny!

• A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation. After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump. The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it. The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

• What’s a man’s definition of safe sex?Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.

• What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? "Beat it - we're closed."

• Q:What does a blonde say after a multiple orgasm?
  
  A:Way to go Team!

• An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing
  home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis had died.
  
  Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was
  old and forgetful, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
  
  Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down
  the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr.Smith, I thought you told me your
  penis had died."
  
  "It did" he said. "Today is the viewing."

• These aliens land in this farmers field and they go in and start talking to the farmer and his wife. After a while, they decide to swap sex partners for the night. So, the human man and the alien woman go in one room, and the alien man and the human woman go in another room.

  
  The alien man and human woman are about to get frisky when she looks at him and says, "Gosh...it's so big!"

  
  "If you like," replies the alien, "you can make it bigger by pulling on my ears."

  
  So, she pulls on his ears and, bing, it gets bigger.

  
  The next morning the aliens leave and the human couple are talking. "Well, honey," says the husband, "how was it?"

  
  "I just gotta tell ya," she says with a faraway look in her eyes, "it was the best I've ever had. How 'bout you, was it good?

  
  "It wasn't worth a damn," he says. "That bitch was trying to pull my ears off all night long!"

• What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.

• Mothers have Mother’s Day and fathers have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.

• ‘I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful experience. Between five it’s fantastic!’Woody Allen

• These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What’s that board for?"The trader said, "Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this."They said "No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!"The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them. I’ll refund your money next year.""Okay," they said and left.Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."The trader said, "Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?""Yeah" said the guy."Where is he?" asked the trader."I shot him" said the guy."Why?""I caught him in bed with my board."

• Man cannot live on bread alone – he needs a bit of crumpet too.

• A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

• Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barrack's door is open."

  
  He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

  
  The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

• Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

  Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

  Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

  Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

• I run faster horny than you do scared.

• "Grandma, in the greengrocery they have that thick and that long cucumber."Deaf grandma answers,"be sure he'll also marry you."

• A sexy girl looks at the big beer belly of a man and asks:Is that Carlsberg or Tuborg?There‘s a tap underneath it – why don‘t you taste it yourself?

• A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

• Q: Why do guys name their dicks?
  
  A: They don't want 95% of their decisions being made by a complete stranger!

• My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.

• Q: Why do so many men use dial soap?
  
  A: Because dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness.

• Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sex?’ Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’ Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue. Forget it.’

• I went into the bar the other day & the bartender said: "What'ya have?"I said: "Suprise me."He did, He showed me a naked picture of my wife. I said: "Hey, who said you could mess around with my wife?" "Everyone did" he replied..."

• Condoms are not completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.

• A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse... he said that they would have sex on the bell system.

  
  He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off... two bells meant get into bed... and three bells meant start fooling around.

  
  The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes.

  
  He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed.

  
  He hollered "Three Bells" and they started fooling around like crazy.

  
  A few minutes later *she* yells "Four Bells"

  
  "Four Bells?" the fire chief asks "what is four bells?"

  
  "Let out more hose, Your not anywhere near the fire!"

• A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as to who might show up.
  
  When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.
  
  "How have you been?" he asks.
  
  "I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."
  
  "Bad news first, ma'am."
  
  "Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."
  
  "Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."
  
  "But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

• What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.

• I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn. Now I’ve got an overwhelming desire to charge at Land Rovers.

• Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.

• A bloke is desperate for sex but he only
  has 5 pounds to his name. He decides to go and see the madam at the local brothal.
  
  When he tells her of his lack of funds, she shows him to a small room and points to a chicken in the corner after some thought he decides to accept and it turns out to be the best sex he has ever had.
  
  About a week later he returns with 10 pounds in his pocket and asks what she can do for him this time. He is shown to a large room with several benches and a two way mirror, through which he is invited to watch two lesbians having sex.
  
  After half an hour he nudges the bloke
  next him and says "What excellent value for a tenner." The bloke replies, "Yeah! But you should have been here last week. We had some bloke having sex with a chicken!"
  
  

• How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

• A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.
  
  The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
  
  As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"
  
  Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.
  
  A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
  
  The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?"
  
  The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
  
  A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
  
  "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
  
  "No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
  

• What did the little bell say to the big bell?
  
  You may have a bigger dong then me but I get more dinging.

• A guy walks into a drug store and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist says, ‘That’ll be £5.00 with the tax.’‘Tacks?’, the guy exclaims.‘I thought you rolled them on!’

• A four letter word that every man is afraid of? (More)

• A husband and wife are in bed getting ready to go to sleep.
  
  "Hey honey," the husband says as he rubs his wife's body, "You in the mood tonight, babe?"
  
  "Not tonight dear, I have a TERRIBLE headache," she replies.
  
  He asks, "Is that your final answer?"
  
  "Ummmm, yes, dear, it is. Now got to sleep!" she says.
  
  "Can I phone a friend?

• Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

• On the beach, how can you recognise a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll? He doesn’t stare at the bikinis, he stares at the beach balls.

• A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

• How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat? By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

• Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

• How can you tell if your girlfriend’s frigid? When you open her legs, the lights go on.

• What do toys and tits have in common?
  
  They're both originally made for kids, but dads end up playing with them.

• You are so tall in my eyes that they can't rise higher than your waist.

• What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

• Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?A: Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself.

• Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  
  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

• Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

• Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
  
  A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

• Perplexing Parrot Problem
  
  Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds
  of obscenities, always leading off with "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!"
  
  In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
  
  "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl
  until the female parrot arrives."
  
  Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then, suddenly, she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed.
  
  "Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said.
  
  The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?
  
  And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed Bitch!"

• Cover charge: $15.00
  
  Round of drinks: $23.00
  
  Table dance: $30.00
  
  Another round of drinks: $23.00
  
  Couch dance and tips: $50.00
  
  A round of shots: $34.00
  
  Another round of drinks: $23.00
  
  Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
  
  Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
  
  Sending her on her way . . . Priceless

• Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted a night on the town? He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.

• The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

• A beachcomber of twenty-five had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from another shipwreck just that morning.
  
  After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he'd been alone on this barren bit of land.
  
  "Almost twenty years," he said.
  
  "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
  
  "Oh, I fish, dig for clams and gather berries and coconuts," he replied.
  
  "And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
  
  "What's that?" He looked puzzled.
  
  Whereupon the bold maiden pulled the innocent beachcomber down onto the sand beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.
  After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it.
  
  "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clam digger!"

• Small boy to friend: ‘What would you do if a girl kissed you?’Friend: ‘I’d kiss her back. What would you do?’ Small boy: ‘I’d kiss her front.’

• Two old men hobble into the pub. One says, ‘I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil. Shall we try some?’ ‘All right,’ says the other. ‘But, to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.’

• Sex isn’t the answer.Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

• Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

• Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

• What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one.

• Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:Gorgonzola!Wait, it is not on yet.

• When I was young my sister used to play with dolls and I played with soldiers, now we do it the other way round.

• What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

• What three two-letter words denote "small"?
  
  "It is in."

• THe U.S. decided to invest $100,000 to research why the head of the penis is bigger than the shaft. Well after their research the concluded that it was for the pleasure of the woman. The Eniglish said no way you are idiots!! So they invested $125,000 to research why the head of the peinis is bigger than the shaft. Well they concluded that it was for the pleasure of the men. And then the Irish said that both the English and the U.S were wrong. So they put $75 into research and concluded that it was so that your hand will not hit you in the forehead!

• A man is in a hotel lobby.He wants to ask the clerk a question.As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

• What did the black girl say while having sex? Dad get off me your crushing my ciggies.

• A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
  making out.
  
  As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I
  really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I
  charge $20 for sex."
  
  The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business.
  
  After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's
  seat and stared out the window.
  
  "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
  
  "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
  and the fare back to town is $25."

• A husband comes home from a long day's work. As he enters his bedroom, he finds his wife, naked, panting, on their bed.

  
  "What's wrong?" he asks.

  
  She replies, "I think I'm having a heart attack."

  
  He hastens down stairs to call an ambulance.

  
  His son run down stairs and says "Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Ted is naked in the closest."

  
  The husband storms upstairs. He opens the closest, he sees his brother and says angrily "Ted, you rat! My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the children!"

• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

• A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”“It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to hisfather.“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.“Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

• Q-- How did the red-neck find his sister in the corn field?

  
  A-- "Not bad....pretty good!!"

• A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
  
  The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
  
  "Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
  
  The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for
  Saturday, and one for Sunday."
  
  "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
  
  "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
  
  "WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
  
  With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January,
  one for February, one for . . ."

• What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

• Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,
  rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from
  other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
  
  One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became
  flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to
  hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
  and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny
  described everything to his mother.
  
  Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
  most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured
  sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He
  must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to
  feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good
  as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
  
  He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
  panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been
  getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis
  got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
  know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
  
  Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
  gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
  and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it
  in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got
  really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
  calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the
  ones I saw at the lake!
  
  Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.
  All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her
  back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took
  a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it
  from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
  scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel
  put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her
  boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
  squishing it between them.
  
  After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
  sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because
  it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and
  her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting
  anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't
  dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels
  are like cats... They have nine lives or something.
  
  This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about
  35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time
  because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
  
  Mother fainted.

• Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

• Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know,
  when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the
  time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."
  
  "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm
  gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one
  hand."
  
  "So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
  
  "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna
  get!"

• A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog. Life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island. Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when his dog suddenly gave out a loud bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attemps by the man to approach the sheep from the rear always met with similar frustrations. Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl. The girl was profusely thankful. "I'll do anything for you for saving my life," she said, "anything." "Good!", said the love-struck man happily. "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"

• Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

• A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

  The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

  The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

  The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

  Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

  When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

  The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Johnny Nielson

• Q: Whats the definition of vagina?A: The box a penis comes in.

• Q: Why are pubic hairs curley?

  
  A: So they don't poke you in the eyes.

• A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

  "But dad, how will I know?"

  "Trust me son, you will know.

  After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.
  
  "Well son,how did it go?"

  "Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

  "But how could you tell he was gay?"

  "Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY"

• "Santa's Dilemma" A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

  
  Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

  
  The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

  
  Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

  
  The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

  
  Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

  
  She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

  
  Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"

• An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for contraceptive tablets, claiming they help her sleep at night.‘Why would contraceptive pills make you sleep any better than normal?’ asks the doctor. The old lady replies, ‘Because I put them in my grandaughter’s coffee.’

• Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

• A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sex?”“1956,” was his reply. “No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”

• One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
  
  "What's that?" he asked.
  
  She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in the trunk of tree."
  
  Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong...but I will show you how to do it properly."
  
  She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
  
  "Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
  
  Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
  
  Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
  
  "What the hell did you do that for?"
  
  "Me checking for bees" said Tarzan.

• In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try withdrawl, douches or condoms.
  
  Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor. "I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children.
  
  "On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"

• There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight.So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat".To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".

• One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

  The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

  Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."

• An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
  
  She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
  
  When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
  
  "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
  
  "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
  
  "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

• A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
  
  The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
  
  "WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"
  
  "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
  
  "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
  
  "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
  
  "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"
  
  "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
  
  The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
  
  "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
  
  The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
  
  The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
  
  "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
  
  "WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"
  
  "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
  
  "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
  
  "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."
  
  "WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
  HAPPENED?"
  
  "Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell
  off my perch!"

• Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.

• A Chinese man and his wife start to make love. They start to get into it, and when it starts getting really hot, the man says to the woman, "How about a little sixty-nine?"

  
  The woman jumps out of the bed and says angrily, "How can you think of chicken broccoli at a time like this?"

• I came inside of her not because of the fame but because of the human life on earth.

• A husband came home to his wife and she asked him to fix the dishwasher.
  
  His reply wass "What do I look like? The Maytag man?"
  
  This continued on for weeks and everyday his reply was the same.
  
  Finally one day he came home and his wife said, "The neighbor fixed the dishwasher."
  
  "How did you pay him?" her husband asked.
  
  "Well, he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him."
  
  "So what kind of cake did you bake?" He asked.
  
  She replied, "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?!"

• What's the definition of "Tender Love?" Two gays with hemorrhoids.

• Since the lion can have sex over 100 times a day, his title has been changed from "King of the Jungle" to "President of the United States."

• Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop".

• A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might
  kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
  
  But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
  
  She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
  
  The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

• Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC!
  
  "Woman chops off sleeping man's penis and drops from moving car!" Don't laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!! Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that headline and
  are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an
  unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just upset them in general!!
  
  MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!!
  
  If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome) could you be sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time and intact?? Could you be sure the penis part they found was yours??
  
  Inquire now about our low-cost PenisProtectionPlan! *
  
  Plan 1: We'll register your penis and scrotum, plus tattoo them with their own unique registration number, ensuring that in case of separation, you will get a perfect match every time.
  
  Plan 2: Our Jurassic prick program. We'll take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a trailer-tractor runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew toy.
  
  Plan 3: For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one size fits all, battery-operated, stainless steel jockstrap that can be worn when necessary. When you are asleep an alarm will be activated when metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jockstrap.
  
  This will guarantee you a full nights sleep, free of worry.
  
  Don't get caught short...
  
  Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!!
  
  Remember . . . the dick you save could be your own!!
  
  * PRICES VARY ACCORDING TO SIZE.
  

• Two lesbians are walking up the street. They see a gorgeous woman who is tall and curvaceous.
  
  1st lesbian: Oh, look how beautiful she is!
  
  2nd: Uhmm, yummy!
  
  1st: Look at her breasts!
  
  2nd: Uhmm
  
  1st: Look at her legs!
  
  2nd: Uhmm
  
  1st: What is this all "Uhmm, uhmm"? Can you say something else?
  
  2nd writes on a piece of paper: "I can't, my tongue got hard."

• Two young men go into a church to confess their sins.

  
  The first one steps into the confessional and sits down. Young Man "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have had pre-marital sex."

  
  "Who was it with my son? Was it one of the women in the congregation?"

  
  "I am sorry father, I can not devulge the woman's name. It would ruin her reputation."

  
  "Well tell me, was it Mary-Lou?"

  
  "No father."

  
  "Was it Peggy-Sue?"

  
  "No father.I can not tell you. If I told the woman's name to anyone her reputation would follow her everywhere."

  
  "Was it Sally-May?"

  
  "I am sorry father I can not say."

  
  "Well then. Repeat 4 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers."

  
  As the young man procedes to leave the confessional the 2nd young man approaches and asks, "So what did he give you?"

  
  "Well he gave me 4 Hail Marys, 5 Our Fathers and 3 VERY GOOD LEADS."

• A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. Without hesitation, he grabs the offending man by his private parts and drags him to the garage.
  
  He puts the man's private parts into a vice and removes the key so it can't be loosened. Then, he walks over to the work bench and removes the saw from the pegboard.
  
  The naked man exclaims, "Give me a break! Please don't cut it off..."
  
  The husband hands the man the saw and replies, "This is for you. Now, I'm gonna set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision."

• There were 3 people named Corey, Shawn, and James that were said to be gay. They went to a doctor and asked her to test them to see if they were gay.

  
  She called the Corey in. She told him to clap if he liked what she said. First she said "blonde women", he clapped. Second she said "foreign women" and he didn't clap. Last, the doctor said "crazy women" and he clapped. She said OK, sent him out, and called Shawn.

  
  She said to clap if he liked what she said. First she said "blonde women" and he didn't clap. Second she said "foreign women" and he clapped. Last she said crazy women" and he didn't clap. She said ok, sent him out, and called James.

  
  She said to clap if he liked what she said. First she said "blonde women" and he didn't clap. Second she said "foreign women" and he didn't clap. Last, she said "crazy women" and he didn't clap. After finishing, the doctor asked him to go sit by Corey and Shawn for a minute. James clapped!

• A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
  
  The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
  
  The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
  
  The woman replies, "He's a midget."

• There is nothing wrong with sex on TV – as long as you don’t fall off.

• A man is about to get married, but he is extremely nervous about the honeymoon be cause he is a virgin. The night before the wedding, he confinds to his father about his nervousness. "Oh I'm so scared I don't know what to do!!" cried the son.

  
  "It's ok", said the father, "I'll tell you what. I'll get the room on the other side of your hotel room, and I'll yell to you what you should do." That sounded good to the son, so they agreed on it.

  
  That night, the son was still scared. He locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out. After a while, his wife is knocking on the door because she has to shit really bad. "Honey let me in, I have to shit!!" she cried. But still he would not open the door. Finally, she has to go so bad, she shits in a box.

  
  When the son comes out of the bathroom, he steps in it. "AW SHIT!!" he cried.

  
  From the wall his father says,"Flip her over son!"

• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

• A sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
  
  Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.
  
  "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
  
  Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
  
  Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
  
  "Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you."
  
  Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
  
  First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.
  
  Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
  
  And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
  

• Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

• The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

• What's one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job? The view.

• Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
  
  A: Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

• A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

  From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.

  The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"

  Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.

  The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

  The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"

  Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

  As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.

  In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

  All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"

• 16 and Pregnant.15 and Fucking.14 and Sucking.13 and Licking. 12 and Fingering. 11 and Touching. 9 and Kissing. 8 and Wondering. Welcome To Our Fucked Up Generation...

• A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

  His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

  "Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

  So what say the friends, flip her over.

  "Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

  "Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

  "Halitosis" the man says.

  "Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

  "Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Robert Gibbs

• 3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

  The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

  The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

  The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

  Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

  He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

• Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.The first man said, "I died in a car accident."The second man said, "I died by drowning."The third man said, "I died of seenus."The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"

• Two rabbis prepare to wash the cadaver of a recently deceased before burying him, according to a Jewish tradition. The deceased possessed a tremendous sexual organ. Aaron, you see what I am seeing? Yes Jacob, I see it... it is as mine. That long? No, that dead.

• One day a lady went into a confesional and said to the father. Father I called a man a son of a bitch. can i be forgiven. The father then replied what did he do to you. She retold the story. I was walking down the street when a man came up to me and grabed my ass. the preist interupts and grabs her ass and says "Like this" she says "yes just like that" the priest replies well that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch." So she went on then he grabed my breast. is it ok now. Like this said the priest as he grabbed her breast. Yes just like that. Is it ok now. No replied the priest. She then proceeded. Then he stuck his dick in my pussy. Like this replied the priest, as he stuck his dick in her pussy. Yes she said. Is it ok now. No that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch. She then told him the last part. Then he told me he had herpies. The priest replied "why that son of a bitch!"

• What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher? They both got fired.

• The couple stepped up to the desk clerk of one of the city's nicer hotels. "I'd like a room and a bath for my wife and myself," said the gentleman.

  
  "I'm terribly sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but the only room available doesn't have bathroom facilities."

  
  "Will that be all right with you, dear?" the gentleman asked the young lady at his side.

  
  "Sure, mister," she said.

• A guy was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table.
  
  The mysterious old woman said, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
  
  He readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
  
  "That's true," he said.
  
  "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
  
  "Yes," he shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
  
  "Love line? No, from the calluses."

• One day this lady decieded that her sex life wasn't what it used to be. So she wanted to introduce a sex toy of some sort. So she went to the nearst sex shop and asked the clerk what would make her sex life go through the roof! The sales clerk whispered I have a very special item in the back if you wanna take a peek... So the women went with the clerk to the back where he showed her the "Magic Dildo". He said to make it work you just say, "Magic Dildo pussy." or wherever you want it to fuck. The women was amuzed and she bought it. Once she got home she unwrapped the Magic Dildo opened her legs and said, "Magic Dildo pussy!" And the magic dildo fucked her brains out and the women instantly orgasmed! But she couldn't get it to stop and it was starting to hurt!!! She kept saying Magic Dildo stop but it wouldn't so she pulled it out and ran out of the house and when she turned the corner a police man stoped her and said," Ma'm why are you running naked down the street?" So she told him the whole story and he said," Magic Dildo my ASS!!!"

• My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...

• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

• "Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
  
  "Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
  
  "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
  
  "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
  
  "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one
  hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
  
  "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
  
  "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
  
  "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

• Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"?A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"

• A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
  
  After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork . . . but have you really never even tasted it?"
  
  The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
  
  The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate . . . but . . ."
  
  The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
  
  The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

• The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

• There were three explorers who where walking through the forest of Africa, when suddenly they were caught by tribesmen.

  
  After being held captive for a week, the male chief comes up to the first explorer and says, "You have two choices to get out of here," "death or five minutes of umba momba." The explorer thinks that umba momba has to be better than death, so he says, "I'll take umba momba." The chief smiles at him, and then starts having sex with him for five minutes. After boning him, he lets the explorer go.

  
  Then he proceeds to the next explorer. "You have two choices: death or 30 minutes of umba momba." The explorer, not wanting to die, picks half an hour of umba momba. The chief then has sex with him for 30 minutes, then lets him go.

  
  Finally, he says to the last explorer, "Two choices: death or 1 hour of umba momba." The explorer thinks that this is absurd. After all, he was so rough on the other to while having sex with them that he gave them bruises. He thought that he might as well die.

  
  "I want to die." he says. Then the chief says, "Okay. You will die."

  
  

  
  "By umba momba."

• Q: How do you make a man cum in 30 seconds?
  
  A: Tell him you're going to cum in a minute!

• 1. Cover your stump before you hump
  2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
  3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
  4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
  5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
  6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
  7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
  8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
  9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
  10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
  11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
  12. If you go into heat, package your meat
  13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
  14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
  15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
  16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
  17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
  18. The right selection will protect your erection
  19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
  20. A crank with armor will never harm her
  21. No glove, no love!

• A week after their marriage, these newlyweds from Kentucky paid a visit to their doctor.
  
  "I can't figure it out doc, my testicles are turning blue."
  
  The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I
  prescribed?"
  
  "Yes." she replied.
  
  "And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked.
  
  "Grape." she said.

• You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon

• Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.Elmer says, "Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"So the second old man rushed to the store.The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?" "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon."That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

• An elegant, well-dressed lady went into her local pet shop and found a huge, gorgeous parrot in a cage way back in a corner of the shop. Catching her admiring the bird, the store owner hurried over. "I don't think a lady like you would want that bird. You see, it lived in a -- well, in a house of ill repute all its life." The lady felt sorry for the bird, bought it, and installed the cage in her beautifully appointed living room. As she carefully drew off the heavy cage drape, the bird bobbed its head and eyed her and its new surroundings. "Aaaaawk!" it suddenly said. "New house! New madam!" Taken aback, the lady was about to reprimand the parrot when her three teenaged daughters wandered in asking what all the noise was about. The parrot jumped up and down, squawking, "Aaaaaawk! New house! New madam! New girls!" Not amused, the lady was determined to cover the cage again until she could work with the poor bird, when her husband came in from work. The parrot fixed him with a beady stare as he hung up his coat. Then it flapped its wings and shrieked, "Aaaaawwwwk! New house, new madam, new girls... same old john!"

• Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have
  you been for the last couple of months?"
  
  The 2nd old man replied, "I was in jail."
  
  The 1st old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?"
  
  He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'."
  
  The 1st old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"
  
  2nd old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to
  it."

• Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea. What's that called?' The lady responded, 'It's a condom.' The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?' She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.' So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.'The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?'The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'

• Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed
  glanced
  over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
  "Blimey," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
  "Like what?" Ted said.
  "All twisted like a pigs tail," Ed said.
  "Well what's yours like?" Ted said.
  "Well straight like normal," Ed said.
  "I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours," Ted said.
  Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down
  prior to putting it back in his pants.
  "What did you do that for?" Ted said.
  "Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
  "Shit," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing.

• Whats long and hard on a nigger? First grade.

• Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

• What did the Irish spinster keep saying in her prayers? ‘Good Lord, please have Murphy on me…’

• A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the
  whole business.
  
  After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"
  
  She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money . . .just looking."

• Paid love costs less.

• Q: What is a lesbian?
  
  A: Just another woman trying to do a man's job!

• Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

• A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very
  tiny bikini. Very proud she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" she asked.
  
  Her mother replied: "If I wore that when I was your age, you would have been 5 years older."

• An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his
  right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain.
  
  The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, "I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that."
  
  "Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI.
  
  "But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there."
  
  "No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch
  and my wallet."

• One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having sex on the bench.The little girl asked her mom, "Mommy, what are they doing?"The mom was blushing and replied, "Oh their making cakes."The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having sex.The little girl asked again, "Mommy, what are they doing?"Again the mother replied, "Oh their making cakes."The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, "Mommy, I know you and daddy we’re making cakes last night."The mom was frightened and asked, "How did you know?"The little girl replied, "I licked the icing off the couch! It was good too!"

• This little boy was out shopping with his grandmother, and he looked up and asked her, "How old are you, Grandma?"
  
  She said, "Oh, Johnnie, you must never ask a lady how old she is. That's not a very nice question for a little boy
  to ask a lady."
  
  "Well, how much you weigh, Grandma?" he persisted.
  
  "No, no, Johnnie, nice boys don't ask ladies how much they weigh."
  
  After a little pause, he looked up and he said, "Grandma, tell me then why you and Grandpa don't sleep together."
  
  "Now, Johnnie, that certainly is not something you should ask about," she reprimanded him.
  
  After a while, when the grandmother paid for a purchase with a check, the clerk asked for her driver's licence. The little boy had an opportunity to see it, and when they walked off, he pulled his grandmother's hand, and proudly acclaimed, "I know how old you are, Grandma; you're fifty-five years old."
  
  "How do you know that?" asked the grandmother.
  
  "I saw it on your driver's license."
  
  "Well, you must not tell anyone," she cautioned.
  
  "I know how much you weigh too - 175 pounds."
  
  "How do you know that," asked the grandmother.
  
  "I saw it on your driver's licence."
  
  "Okay, smarty pants. I ought to punish you for being so nosy, But you better not ever tell anybody how much I weigh."
  
  "I know why you and Grandpa don't sleep together too."
  
  "Well, there's no way you tell that from my driver's licence," she laughed.
  
  "Yes, I could too," he insisted.
  
  "Okay. How could you tell that from my driver's licence why Grandpa and I don't sleep together?"
  
  "Cause you got an 'F' in sex."

• What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.

• A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?Yes.Me too?Of course.And how much do you think I would cost?500 francs.What?! Only 500 francs?!Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.

• Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

• Q: What’s so good in f***ing twenty six year olds?A: That they are twenty…

• The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

• One night when Whilma was out of town, Fred went to the local bar. He got INCREDIBLY drunk, and was TRYING to pick up some chicks! "eww! get away from me you smelly, fat drunk! " hey! I might not LOOK like uch...but I can sure make your BED-ROCK!"

• One day a man and his friends go hiking in the woods. When they come back to town they see a new bar. One of the men said, "You guys stay out here and I'll go and get some water!"

  
  The man goes in and askes for a glass of water but the girl bar tender says, "You have to fuck me doggy style."

  
  The man agrees and as she bends down he grabs a pice of corn and uses it to have sex with her, then throws it out of the window.

  
  She gives him the glass of water. He drinks it and asks for three more glasses of water.

  
  She replies that he will have to have sex with her "doggy style" three more times.

  
  The man again agrees, grabs three more ears of corn and throws them out the window after he is finished. He goes outside and gives his friends the glasses of water.

  
  One of his friends says, "Thanks! I needed that after eating that buttered corn!

• Q: How does James Bond like his pussy?
  
  A: Shaven not furred.

• One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience: "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.Then she asks "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand.Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh…it was great! Never had any like it before!" and she asked "Really? So the ghost was good?" and the old man said "Ghost? I thought you said goat!"

• 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

  
  9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

  
  8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

  
  7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

  
  6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

  
  5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

  
  4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

  
  3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

  
  2) Less guilt the morning after.

  
  1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

• A beautiful woman sits next to a drunk in a bar. He turns to her and says, ‘Hey, honey. How about you and me getting it on? I’ve got a couple of pounds and it looks like you could use the money.’ The woman turns to him and says, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?’

• A Koala and a Prostitiute had just finished having sex, so the Prostitute said, " All right, now give me my money!" The Koala replied, " Money, what for?" " What for?", the Prostitute growled, "Look up Prostitute in the dictionary and read what it says."So the Koala looked up prostitute in the dictionary. It said, "Prostitute- A woman who is paid to have sex."" Okay," said the Koala, " now you look up Koala in the dictionary, and read what it says."So the Prostitute looked up Koala in the dictionary. It said, "Koala- A furry animal who eats bush, then leaves."

• A Chicago salesman is on a business trip to Boston and had a few hours to kill before catching a plane home. Remembering an old friend's advice to try some broiled scrod, a favorite fish in Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver, "Say, do you know where I could get scrod around here?"
  
  The driver replied, "Pal, I've heard that question a thousand times, but this is the first time in the passive pluperfect subjunctive."

• The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so he told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat. During the couple’s moment of passion, the cabdriver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?""Screw NO, get your own woman," said the groom, "this one’s all mine!"

• Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands. ‘Tell me,’ says one.‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’ ‘No,’ says the other.‘I think we were with the Prudential.’

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

• Sex is like air – it’s not important until you’re not getting any.

• Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
  
  A: Wipe him off and say you are sorry.

• Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

• A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair. An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

• The vicar never entertained lewd thoughts – they always entertained him.

• One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
  
  So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
  
  The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
  
  He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

• But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

• Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says "Come on Willie, we're going upstairs!"
  
  Willie replies "OK - That's one of my favorite things!"
  
  As soon as they get upstairs Ethel grabs Willie and throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
  
  Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way and so do you."
  
  Willie replies "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll loose my job."
  
  Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie - that doesn't make good sense!"
  
  Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me - 'Willie - You screw up one more time - and you're fired!'"

• Two sperm are in the body looking for the egg when one of them starts to wonder why it is taking so long. He asks the other sperm, "aren't we near the uterus yet?""No," replied the other sperm, "we haven't even gotten to the esophagus."

• A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

• A college girl went to she her doctor about a rash she had on her chest. The doctor asked her to take off her blouse to have a look at it.
  
  'This rash is very unusual' the doctor said, 'It's in the shape of an "M", where did you get this?'
  
  'I'm not sure', she replied, 'but I recently met this guy from Michigan.' The doctor just shook his head and gave
  her a prescription for some creme.
  
  Two weeks later the college girl return to she her doctor again. 'Doctor, I have another rash on my chest' she
  cried.
  
  'Ok, take off your blouse so I can have a look at it' he replied. 'This one is in the shape of an "I", where did
  you get this one?'
  
  'Oh', she said, 'I met this guy from Indiana.'
  
  'Okay' said the doctor. He wrote her another prescription and she was on her way.
  
  Two weeks later, she return again with another rash on her chest. 'Okay, let's see this one' said the doctor.
  
  So she took off her blouse and she had another rash in the shape of an "M" on her chest.
  
  The doctor saw it and said, 'I guess you're back with the boy from Michigan?'
  
  'Oh, no' she replied, 'I met this girl from Wisconsin.'

• Q: What's white and slides down toilet cubicles?
  
  A: George Michael lastest release.

• A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done.She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees.Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

• Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwaveA: A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

• While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off.A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that damn lamp for. . .""OK, alright" the guy responds."Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."This pisses the genie off.He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical.""Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . .""Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four?"

• Q: What did Adam say to Eve the first time he saw her?
  
  A: "Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!
  

• A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
  
  Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
  
  Mom: Well dear, a mommy and daddy fall in love and they get married. Then one night they go into their room, kiss, hug and have sex.
  
  (The child begins to look puzzuled).
  
  Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
  
  Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and you had Daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
  
  Mom: Jewelry, dear.
  

• What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks!

• For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer...

• This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.
  
  "Doctor I think I have the crabs."
  
  "When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.
  
  "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.
  
  The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.
  
  After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies."
  
  "Fruit flies?" asks granny.
  
  "Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."
  

• An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition."I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said. The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

• Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting in a Catskill hotel lobby, people-watching.
  
  "You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this "Sex and Marriage" book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
  
  "No," says Esther, "I think we had Allstate."

• Q: What did the penis say to the condom?A: Cover me im going in!

• It is always the wrong time of month.

• "Is it rape if it's your wife?" "I don't think so." "What a relief! I thought you'd be mad as hell!"

• ‘Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you help me?!’ ‘No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span!’

• An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.

  The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."

  The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."

  The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"

• What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

• Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

• One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

  Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

  The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

  Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

  On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

  Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

  Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Brandon Groves

• One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

  So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"

  Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

  "Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Moe Hopkins

• Mrs. Philbert is teaching her class about
  multiple-syllable words. Little Johnny is
  in the back of the classroom, bored as usual.
  
  "Now words like bike, cheese and shoe only have
  one syllable. Does anyone have an example of a
  word with 2 or more syllables?"
  
  Little Johnny raises a hand and is called on.
  He stands up and says "Autoeroticism."
  
  That's a word with more than one syllable." Impressed, the teacher repeats the word,
  "Autoeroticism! Wow Johnny! That's a mouthful!"
  
  Johnny rises quickly from his chair and says,
  "No. Autoeroticism is masturbating. What you're
  thinking of is a blowjob!"

• A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
  
  Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to
  what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on
  their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
  
  "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he
  asked the couple.
  
  Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.
  
  "Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
  
  So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
  
  After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded....
  
  "doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!!"

• A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations.""Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

• Q: Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?A: Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

• 1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your breasts are just too big.
  
  2. Here honey, you use the remote for a while.
  
  3. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
  
  4. Sex isn't important. Sometimes, I just want to be held.
  
  5. We never talk anymore.
  
  6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
  
  7. I'm sick of blow jobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?

• My girlfriend used to give amazing blow jobs, but lately they haven't been so great - they are starting to hurt me now since her baby teeth started growing in.

• A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to
  growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed-- and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.
  
  She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him.
  
  The man thinks for a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

• I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough."

• 1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
  
  2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?
  
  3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of?
  
  4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
  
  5. Do you parents know you are straight? Do your friends and/or roomates know?
  
  6. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
  
  7. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex?
  
  8. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle?
  
  9. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it wise to expose children to
  heterosexual teachers?
  
  10. Just what do men and women do in bed together?
  
  11. Bearing in mind the current divorce rate, why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals?
  
  12. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
  
  13. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to
  change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy?
  
  14. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?

• Q: Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?A: So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

• Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

• Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.

• The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

  
  The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath to pose as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

  
  He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

  
  The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

• A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant. ‘Would you like to buy some?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’

• Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!

• This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. Hedecided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in hismothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbingherself and saying"I need a man, I need a man"So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again,but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check itout, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother inbed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all hisclothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying "Ineed a bike, I need a bike"!!!!!

• A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says "Hey baby, want to have sex?" The nun says "God no!" so she gets off the bus angry. When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the bus driver asks him "Hey man. you see that graveyard across the street?" The hippie go's "yeah I see it, what about it?" "well every Tuesday night at 8:30. the nun go's to the top of the hill to pray. If you dress up as a ghost, and tell her to have sex with you, she'll have too" The hippie replied "sweet!" So Tuesday night comes and the hippie has a ghost costume, 8:30 comes and here comes the nun. The hippie pops out and says "I am the ghost of a man buried here, and I command you to have sex with me!" The nun go's "Well... ok, but I have a virgins aspect so it has to be oral" So the nun and the hippie have oral sex and the hippie runs away and says "Ha, ha I was actually the hippie" and the nun said "Ha, ha I'm actually the bus driver!"

• A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

• My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.

• A husband and a wife are playing golf in a lot surrounded by million dollar houses. The husband says, "Be careful not to break a window, because it'll cost a fortune. Sure enough the wife broke a window. They walk up to the house. Since the door is open, they walk in. Inside they find broken glass, a golf ball, and a knocked over oil lamp.

  
  On the couch, there is a man, he says, "I am the all powerful genie. I shall grant you three wishes."

  
  "I want a million dollars each year," said the man.

  
  The wife says, "I want a house in each country."

  
  The genie says, "Granted. However, as the third wish you must let me make love to your wife."

  
  The man is grateful, so he agrees.

  
  After the genie and the wife make love, the genie asks, "How old is your husband?"

  
  She replies, "35."

  
  "35 and he still believes in genies?"

• Q:What did the black girl say while having sex?A:Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.

• I think the only time my ex didn't fake an orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

• A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

• Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

• A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
  
  He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
  
  She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
  
  "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
  
  "We use it for sex."
  
  The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
  
  The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

• A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

• A girl has to get in bed before 8 p.m. so she can come home at 11.

• A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250."In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

• 1. You are always hanging around with a couple of nuts.
  
  2. You live next door to an asshole.
  
  3. All of your best friends are pussies.
  
  4. Every time you try to get ahead, you end up in the hole!

• ‘He had ambitions at one time to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.’ Les Dawson

• A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who is bothering me."
  
  The driver said he'd stop at the very next exit. A short while later, another woman came up and made the same
  complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little, old, baldheaded man down on his hands and knees.
  
  The bus driver asked, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
  
  "Well," says the little, old man, "I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I thought I'd found it several times, but mine parts on the side."

• After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

• Three horny friends, a white guy, a black guy and a Jewish guy decide to visit a prostitute. The prostitute is so happy to get three customers at once that she offers them a deal, "You can pay by the inch," she says.

  
  So the white guy goes in and comes out with a smile on his face, "Not only was she great," he says, "but it only cost me $75!"

  
  Now the black guy goes in and comes out smiling, "She was good, and It only cost me $100!"

  
  In goes the Jewish fellow and he soon comes out smiling, too.

  
  "Well, how much did it cost you?" the other two ask.

  
  "$20," he replies.

  
  With that the other two begin to laugh hysterically. "You pune!" they say, "Do you even have a dick?"

  
  "I'm not stupid," he says. "I paid on the way out."

• What are the small bumps around women’s nipples? It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.

• Two condoms are walking down the street when they walk by a gay bar. One condom says to the other, "Hey man, you wanna get shit-faced?"

• A preacher was visiting the old lady who played organ at the church every Sunday. He walked into her house, and couldn't help but notice that there was a condom in a fish bowl on her organ.
  
  They sat down to tea, and he asked her about it.
  
  "Oh, it's the neatest little thing! See, I was walking along one day when I noticed a square packet on the sidewalk. I picked it up, and it said to remove from package, keep moist and place it on my organ. It is supposed to protect against disease. And you know what? I haven't been sick once since I found it!"

• Nike Condoms: Just Do It!
  
  Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!
  
  Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby!
  
  Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop!
  
  Ford Condoms: The best never rest!
  
  Chevy Condoms: Like a rock!
  
  New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey you never know!
  
  California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
  
  Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever!
  
  KFC Condoms: Finger-licking good! !
  
  Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing!
  
  Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one!
  
  Campbell's Soup Condoms:Mmm mmm good!
  
  AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone!
  
  Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper!
  
  Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going...
  
  M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
  
  Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border!
  
  MCI Condoms: For friends and family!
  
  Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

• A newlywed couple was on a plane to have their honeymoon in Dallas. They were a little "excited" and couldn't wait until they got to there hotel room. The went to the plane's bathroom but somebody was already there.
  
  When they got back to there seat, the bride had a idea. She turned to the groom and said, "unzip your pants."
  
  The groom does as his brid asks and she hikes up her dress and sits on his lap.
  
  The bride leans forward and taps on the person sitting in-front of her and asks,"Are you going to Dallas?" Then she leans over to the other person and asks, "Are you going to Dallas?" Then she leans over to a third person and asks, "Are you going to Dallas?" Then she leans back and bounces up and down. "We're all going to Dallas! We're all going to Dallas! We're all going to Dallas!"

• As it happened, their wedding night fell during a religious holiday, and, devout Episcopalian that he was, Mr. Rogers simply couldn't make love to his virginal bride.
  
  "I'm sorry," he said as they snuggled in bed, "but I can't have you tonight. It's Lent."
  
  Her brow crinkling with concern, his new bride said, "Okay . . . but to whom and for how long?"

• A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price
  with the farmer and then begins to select a pig.
  
  "How about that one?" "OK, replies the farmer."
  
  The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This
  one weighs 74 pounds."
  
  "That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell a pig's weight by using that method?"
  
  "Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our family for generations."
  
  To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.
  
  "My son can do it too," boasts the farmer.
  
  And sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds."
  
  The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.
  
  "My wife can do it too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."
  
  The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later.
  
  "Mom can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy weighing the mailman."

• Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
  
  A: 68 at 69 you have to turn around.

• A guy walks into a pharmacy.

  He says to the pharmacist, "I've heard a lot about that viagra stuff. Does it really work."

  The pharmacist says, "Yeah, it works great."

  The guy asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

  Pharmacist says, "Well, if you took enough I suppose you could."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Yohansen

• Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, the young man bought her alovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received asuspicious look when he handed her the flowers."I suppose," she said, "that now you expectme to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread." "Why?" said the young man. "Don't we have a vase?"

• Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

• A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."The man asks, "Why?"The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"

• The four words most hated by men during sex?‘Is it in yet?’

• She’s like train tracks – she’s been laid across the country.

• I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.

• One day a young cowboy, and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asked, "What are they doing?"
  
  The Husband answers "They're roping"
  
  "I see" replies the bride.
  
  After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex, Again the
  bride asks "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!"
  
  She replies "Oh ,I see."
  
  Finally they arrive at their hotel. They
  washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others bodies.
  
  The bride discovers her husbands penis. "Whats is that?"
  
  "Thats is my rope." he answers.
  
  She slides her hand down a little further and gasps, "Whats are those?"
  
  "They are my knots" he answers.
  
  Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says
  "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
  
  Her husband asked "Whats the matter honey?"
  
  The bride replies "Undo those knots, I need more rope!"

• What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off

• The father of three twins said that on their 16th birthday they could each have a guy in their room. He kept his word and each had a guy in their room on their birthday.

  
  The father listened in on the first and heard them talking.

  
  He went to the second door and heard laughing.

  
  Finally he went to the third daughter's door and heard nothing at all.

  
  Later that night he asked each one what they did. The first daughter said that she got to know him.

  
  The second daughter said her guy was tickling her.

  
  The father asked the third daughter why her room was so silent.

  
  The daughter replied, "Well you told me never to talk with my mouth full."

• A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

• A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, "Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?" The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, "Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"

• Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help.
  
  He extoled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.
  
  At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel."
  
  I said, "Not to us city boys."

• Q: How can you tell when a sperm is happy?
  
  A: Because it has egg all over its face.

• "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
  
  "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."
  
  His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
  
  "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

• An evening of Valentine's Day. A man comes to a drug store: "Good evening!""Sorry, we are sold out..."

• The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest."Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest."It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man."Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest."Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?""Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

• A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
  
  "My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."
  
  "Yeah, so?"
  
  "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

• A man who recently had a sex-change operation was talking to his formerbuddies at work about the operation. "Was it painful?" someone asked. "Well,"she said. "There was one part that was extremely painful." "I bet I know whatpart was so painful," someone else said. "I bet it was when they cut off yourballs," they said."No," she said. "I was heavily sedated and didn't feel athing." "Then it must have been when they cut off your pecker," anotherperson offered. "No," she said. "I was sedated then too, and didn't feelanything." "Then what part of the operation was so painful?" They wanted toknow. "Well," she said. "After they were done cutting, they stuck a straw inmy ear and sucked out half of my brains."

• A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
  
  He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
  
  She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

• If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut

• Did you hear about the man in San Francisco who put a nicotine patch on his penis?

  
  He's down to two butts a day.

• The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a
  beautiful young woman.
  
  She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now
  big I was and I said,
  
  "Compared to what?"
  
  She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said,
  
  "I'm bigger than that."
  
  Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said,
  
  "I'm bigger than that."
  
  Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said,
  
  "I'm about that big."
  
  She put the three fingers in her mouth and said,
  
  "You're a medium."

• An elephant walked by a naked man and asked, "How do you breathe through that?"

• Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

• Q: What is the definition of frustration?
  
  A: Two blind lesbians in a fish market.

• Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind. Son: Dad im over here.

• ‘During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’ Rodney Dangerfield

• three women were in a bar. each wanted to see who could fit the largest thing inside them. the first women took a lemon and put it up inside herself. another women was like "thats nothing" and shoved a glass inside her. the third women knew that was childs play. so she told them to check this out. all of sudden she started to slide down the bar stool.

• A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

  The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

  The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

  The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

  The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

  After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

  The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

• The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

  
  She pushed him away. "Maybe you other models let you kiss them," she said.

  
  "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

  
  "Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"

  
  "Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

• Two drunken salesmen knock loudly on the door of a convent until one of the rudely awakened nuns answers the door by saying, "May I help you?"

  
  The larger of the two salesmen slurs his words asking, "Do you haaave annny mid.., err, midg... midget nuns?"

  
  The nun, taken aback, answers, "Why no we don't."

  
  The large salesman says again, "Are you sure?"

  
  The nun answers again by saying "Yes."

  
  The large saleman demands to speak to the mother superior and creates such a ruckus that the mother superior shows up at the door as well.

  
  The large salesman asks her, "Do you have or do you know of any other convents hearabouts that have a midget nun?"

  
  The mother superior answers, "No we don't have, I don't know any and I am quite sure that there are none in the area as I know all the nuns from each of convents. So please tell us what this is all about."

  
  At this point the larger salesman turns to the smaller one and slaps him then yells at him: "You see!, I told you so!, You fucked a penguin you drunk bastard!"

• What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The refrigetator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

• At the Polish Agricultural University (P.A.U), the Professor was talking
  about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class
  asked: "Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?"
  
  The Professor answered, "Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they
  woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn't fuck you
  afterwards, you'll look depressed too!"

• After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his alluring but standoffish date, "Do you shrink from making love?"
  
  "If I did," she sighed, "I?d be a midget."
  

• Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

• A hunter is walking through the woods when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing, tied to a tree, is a beautiful woman, stark naked.
  
  "Oh, thank God!" she says. "Three men brought me here, tore my clothes off, tied me to this tree, had their way with me, then just LEFT me here! At last, I'm rescued!"
  
  "Lady," says the hunter, unbuckling his belt, "This just ain't your day..."

• A very old man went to a church, making this confession: - Father, I am 78 years old, I have been married for 40 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I had sex with an 21 year old woman.- When was the last time you made a confession? - I never have, I am Jewish. - Then why are you telling it to me? - I am telling it everybody ...

• Q: Who is Moby Dick's Father?
  
  A: Papa Boner

• One day this lady decieded that her sex life wasn't what it used to be. So she wanted to introduce a sex toy of some sort. So she went to the nearst sex shop and asked the clerk what would make her sex life go through the roof! The sales clerk whispered I have a very special item in the back if you wanna take a peek... So the women went with the clerk to the back where he showed her the "Magic Dildo". He said to make it work you just say, "Magic Dildo pussy." or wherever you want it to fuck. The women was amuzed and she bought it. Once she got home she unwrapped the Magic Dildo opened her legs and said, "Magic Dildo pussy!" And the magic dildo fucked her brains out and the women instantly orgasmed! But she couldn't get it to stop and it was starting to hurt!!! She kept saying Magic Dildo stop but it wouldn't so she pulled it out and ran out of the house and when she turned the corner a police man stoped her and said," Ma'm why are you running naked down the street?" So she told him the whole story and he said," Magic Dildo my ASS!!!"

• A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?""Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied."What happened?" inquired the pastor."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.""You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor."That's okay," said the young man."We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

• My girlfriend used to fake foreplay. A man falls asleep on a beach and gets severe sunburn. He’s rushed to hospital by his wife

• What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’ but you do it yourself.

• One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
  
  "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right.
  
  The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
  
  The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
  
  "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
  
  "I don't replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

• A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.

  The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.

  The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.

  The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.

  The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!
  

• I'd like to think inside your box.

• The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

• Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

• A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female: "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

  
  This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

  
  Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

  
  "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

• A Boeing 747 was just coming in to land at New York when the co pilot asked the pilot, "Frank, what are you going to do when we get to the 'Big Apple'?"
  
  The pilot replied, "Well I'm gonna make love to Suzy our blonde stewardess and give her a night to remember. But before I even think about that I'm gonna take a real good shit!"
  
  Unfortunately, the pilot left the intercom on and this piece of information was relayed to the amused passengers and to the horrified Suzy who was at the back of the plane. As she rushed up the plane to tell her lover that the intercom was on, she tripped in her haste and fell flat on her face in the aisle.
  
  A little old lady in the adjoining seat looked down at the stewardess and said sympathetically, "Ain't no rush, honey, he's going for a shit first!"

• This elderly couple wander into the local sex therapist's office and tell the doctor that they would like him to watch them make love and give them a little advice. The elderly couple get comfortable and make love. When it's all over with, the doctor tells them he doesn't see a thing wrong with what they are doing, charges them the $32 fee and sends them on their way.
  
  A week later the same couple return with the same question. The get comfortable, make love, the doctor tells them again that he doesn't see a problem, charges them $32 and sends them on their way. But before the open the door to leave, the doctor asks "I don't see a thing wrong with your lovemaking? Why do you keep coming back?"
  
  The elderly man replys, "We can't do it at the retirement center, the Holiday Inn is $56 a night, and you're only $32 a session!

• The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His
  boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as
  he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met
  this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and
  wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we
  ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
  
  "OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why
  are your eyes so red ?"
  
  "Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had
  a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking
  about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
  
  "I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How
  come you still appear so ragged ?"
  
  "Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5
  times a day for four days and not look like this."

• The manufactures of KY Jelly are releasing a new product for the millenium called y2KY Jelly.
  
  Basically its the same stuff as before but you can now use four digits where previously you could ony use two.

• Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

• I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom. I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.

• A woman and two men were stranded on an island.
  
  After two weeks the woman is so ashamed of what she is doing she kills herself.
  
  After another two weeks the men are so ashamed of what they are doing they bury her.
  
  After yet another two weeks the men are so ashamed of what they are doing they dig her up.

• An Englishman visited America on business. The night before he was to return to London, his American hosts took him out to dinner. After the meal, they were relaxing with cigars and brandies, telling jokes.

  
  One of the Americans recited the following limerick: "There once was a young man named DePinna who took his girl friend to dinner. At a quarter to nine, they sat down to dine, and at half past ten it was in her!"

  
  "What, the dinner?" asked the Englishman.

  
  "No. DePinna!", replied the man.

  
  "Haw, haw! Jolly good!" chuckled the Englishman. "I must tell it to my chaps when I get back home."

  
  In due course, the Engishman was back in London at his club. "I say, chaps," he told his friends, "I heard this clever limerick in America. Let me see if I can remember it. Ah, yes! It goes like this, 'There once was a chap named Tupper who took his girl friend out to supper. At a quarter to nine, they sat down to dine, and at half past ten it was up her." "What, the supper?" his friends inquired. "Errr, no, it was some chap named DePinna!"

• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.

• A little boy asked his mother:Mummy, why are you white and I am black?Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

• What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’? About three inches.

• Three gay men died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My partner loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

  
  The second man said, "My partner was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

  
  The third gay man said, "My partner was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

• A man had just picked up his girlfriend in his new convertible, and was driving by a hospital. At that time a baby was being circumcised, and the doctor did not have a receptacle handy to put the removed foreskin in, so he just chucked it out the window. It landed in the woman's lap, as the convertible passed by.
  
  She screamed and shrieked..
  
  "Ahhhhh...what's that?!?
  
  The man replied...
  
  "Taste it, and if you like it I will give you a bigger piece."

• What does a Blonde say after multiple orgasms?Way to go team!

• Good girls go to bed at 8 p.m., since they need to be home by 11 p.m.

• That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

• A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
  
  The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
  
  She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his
  tongue and broke his finger!"

• Penis breath, a lover's dread
  Is what you get when you give head

  Unpleasant as it tends to be
  Be grateful that he doesn't pee

  It's times like this, you wonder why
  you bothered reaching for his fly

  But it's too late, can't be a tease
  Accept the facts, get on your knees

  You know you've got a job to do
  So open wide and shove it through

  Lick the tip then take it all
  Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

  Slide up and down, use your tongue
  And feel the precum start to run

  Just, when you can't take anymore
  You hear your lover's mighty roar

  And when he hits that real high note
  You feel it oozing down your throat

  Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
  Okay, already that's enough

  Let's switch you say, before you gag
  And whats your revenge, your on the rag.

• I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

• Dear Earthling,
  
  Hello!
  
  I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet.
  
  I have transformed myself into this text file.
  
  As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling.
  
  Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny.

• "You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
  
  "I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
  
  The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.
  
  "My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
  
  "Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
  
  "These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

• Why can’t gypsies have babies? Because their husbands have crystal balls.

• Characters in the joke: 1)A small kid who is 5 years old, 2)Three of his sisters, 3)His parents and, 4)a guest. The kid once went to his eldest sister who was reading a sex book and he pointed the penis of a guy and asked his sister what was that and her sister said "you bloody motherfucker get the hell out of here" and the kid went to his mom and asked what is the meaning of motherfucker to which his mom replied that it means only the mom and asked him to never use the term again. Then the kid went to his second sister who was playing basketball and asked her what was the thing that was jumping in her cheast and her sister said "you bloody asshole get the hell out of here" and the kid went to his mom and asked her what was the meaning of asshole to which his mom replied that it only means dad and asked him never to use this term. In the afternoon he went to his third sister who was busily masturbating and asked what was she doing to which the third sister said "fuck you man get the hell out of here" and the kid went to his mom and asked what does fuck mean to which his mom replied that it means to drink coffee and asked him to never use the term again. Then one day his mom and dad wre having their evening snacks while a guest came and asked the kid where his parents were to which the kid replied "asshole motherfucker is fucking inside the house even you go and fuck".

• Why does Clinton where underwear?

  
  To keep his ankles warm!!!!!!!!!

• Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

• A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
  
  "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her Mom.
  
  "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
  
  Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.
  
  The little girl immediately dunked her hand in
  it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
  
  "What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent.
  
  "What made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
  
  "Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

• Q. What?s the difference between being hard up, and down and out?
  
  A. About two minutes.

• A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
  
  A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
  
  The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
  
  The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
  
  The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.
  
  On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
  
  The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
  
  As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not
  been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
  
  "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's . . . Father O'Malley."

• Did you hear about the new ‘morning after’ pill for men? It changes their blood type.

• Three kids are sitting around and one kid asks, "What's the earliest thing you can remember?"
  
  The first kid says, "I remember these two hands reaching in, grabbing my head, bringing me out of this dark place into the light, turning me upside down, and spanking my bottom!"
  
  The second kid says, "I remember being in this dark, warm place, floating, having a grand old time!"
  
  The third kid says, "I can remember going to the prom with my father and leaving with my mother!"

• An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

• A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her.All these years she had no clue.One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

• "The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl told her maiden Aunt. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
  
  The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."

• I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn and it really worked. I’m really beginning to fancy those rhinos now.

• Indifferent -
  Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop," pulls crotch of panties aside
  and squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob
  up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being
  poured from a third story window.
  
  Cautious -
  Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she
  straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.
  
  Worried -
  A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers.
  Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before
  flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to
  wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.
  
  Conceited -
  Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls
  high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing
  indicates that such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend
  to such lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and
  stinks like a goat.
  
  Sloppy -
  Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet
  seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets
  to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.
  
  Timid -
  Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on
  faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly,flushes for
  constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound
  other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out
  blushing.
  
  Cross-Eyed -
  Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and peesall over the floor.
  Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can, and carries a box
  of Kleenex in her purse.
  
  Frivolous -
  Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your
  Boat."
  
  Literary -
  Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever
  Amber" for her piles.
  
  Big Time -
  Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other
  girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with
  black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never
  been to bed with a man.
  
  Drunk -
  Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress.
  Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for awhile singing happy
  little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes
  that she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and
  sob.
  

• Morris, a 38 year old gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you.... I'm gay."

  
  His elderly mother made no reply or gave any response, and Morris was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay ? Isn't that when you put other men's business in your mouth ?"

  
  Morris said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Momma, that's right."

  
  His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her wooden spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

• Why do men like having sex with the lights on? It makes it easier to put a name to the face.

• Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

• Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.

• My doctor examined my testicles for me and found two small lumps. Luckily it turned out they were my testicles.

• The ultimate rejection . . .
  
  Your hand falls asleep while masturbating . . .

• An old couple were relaxing in the sun at their retirement home.
  
  The old man said to the old lady, "I'll have sex with you in this rocking chair for five bucks. For ten, I'll do it in my room. Or ... for 20 dollars, I'll make wild passionate love to you in my bed near the open fire."
  
  The old lady reaches her purse, takes out a twenty dollar bill, and hands it to the old man.
  
  The old man says, "So its the wild passionate love in my bed next to the open fire?"
  
  The lady replies, "No, four times in the rocking chair."

• Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

• These three guys were stranded on this island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound guy came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo."

  The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. I choose bongo."

  The big guy takes him aside and they start banging it right there.

  The second guy sees this and doesn't think it looks so bad so he also chooses bongo. Then two 550 pound guys come out of the bushes and they get it on right there.

  The third guy is disgusted by this, so he chooses death. After saying this, fourteen 550 pound guys come out of the bushes screaming "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"

• What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running c*nt.

• An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

  
  The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

  
  "Never Father, I'm Jewish."

  
  "So then, why are you telling me?"

  
  "Hell! I'm telling everybody!"

• How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

• Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.

• Worst way to ask for anal:"Aww come on...I bet my dick is tiny compared to some of the shits you've taken!"

• Q: What is the definition of suspicious?
  
  A: Two guys coming out of the bathroom; one with his fly undone, the other licking his lips.

• An old man who wanted to get his young wife pregnant walks into the sperm bank to get his sperm tested. The doctor gives him a cup and sends him on his way. The next day, the man came back with the lid still on and nothing inside. The doctor asked what was wrong. The old man replied, "first I tried with my right hand, then my left, but nothing happened. Then, my wife tried with her right hand, then her left, then her mouth, but nothing happened. Then, my daughter tried it with her right hand, then her left, then her mouth, but we couldn't get the lid off!

• Q. How do you know when you are getting old?A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

• At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom
  together.
  
  At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

• Tom to Dick: ‘My mother made me a homosexual.’ Dick: ‘If I bought her enough wool would she make me one as well?’

• Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off,

• In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. The bus rolled up and it was her turn to board when she realized her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. She was slightly embarrassed, but with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she STILL couldn't reach the step!

  
  So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a bit more and attempted the step once again. Much to her chagrin she still could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she unzipped the offending skirt once more and, again, was unable to make the step.

  
  About this time a big Texan that was behind her in line, picked her up by the waist and gingerly placed her on the step of the bus.

  
  Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

  
  At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured that we were friends."

• How do you know when a machanic has had sex?.. Two of his fingers are clean.

• A man was in an accident and his willy was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him,
  and after careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an
  extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife."
  
  When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor.
  
  "We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."

• A large family were going to have Thanks Giving dinner togther.

  The two grandma's of the family were sick of people eating the pudding the night before, so they hatched a plan.

  They put BB Gun pellets in the pudding so they could see who ate it.

  The next morning, Little Tommy came down from his room and said "Grannie, Grannie, there were BBGun pellets in my pee pee last night."

  Then Little Sally came down and said "Grandma, there was BB Gun pellets in my pee last night."

  Then Big Shaun came down yelling "Help! Help! I just shot my girlfriend in the mouth. She went down fine but came up with a hole going right through her tongue and out the side of her mouth!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Jafu

• Two friends:Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?Of course! How many people are coming?Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

• Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they
  heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
  
  "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
  
  "How do we enter ?" asked the Kentuckian.
  
  "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
  
  "O.K. I guess 7, " said one Kentuckian.
  
  "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
  
  The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get
  gas. When they went inside to pay, the other Kentuckian asked the attendant if
  the contest was still going on.
  
  "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if
  you guess right. You win free sex."
  
  "2" said the Kentuckian.
  
  "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and
  try again."
  
  As they walked back to the car, the first Kentuckian said to the other,
  "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
  
  "No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."

• Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
  
  The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
  
  The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
  
  So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
  
  The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
  
  So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and
  the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

• The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn’t I tell you he was stupid?"

• A young couple get between the sheets for the first time. In a flash it’s over. The boy says, ‘If I’d known you were a virgin I’d have taken more time.’ His girlfriend replies, ‘If I’d known you were going to take more time I’d have taken off my tights.’

• Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

• She’s got her very own method of birth control. She takes her make-up off.

• Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

• Horses in the race:
  
  Passionate Lady
  Clean Sheets
  Bare Belly
  Thighs
  Silk Panties
  Big Johnson
  Conscience
  Heavy Bosom
  Jockey Shorts
  Merry Cherry
  
  At the Post...
  
  They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
  
  At the Halfway Mark...
  
  It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
  
  At the Stretch...
  
  Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.
  
  At the Finish...
  
  It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up.
  
  Clean Sheets never had a chance...
  

• Two texans were talking about their favorite sexual position. One texan said his favorite sexual position was "rodeo".

  
  The other texan said, "Rodeo? I don't believe I've ever heard of the rodeo position. What is it?"

  
  The other texan said, "It's like this son. When my wife and I are making love doggy style, and she's about ready to orgasm, I lean over and whisper in her ear, that this is exactly how her sister likes doing it, and then I try to hold on for the next eight seconds.

• Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

• What do nostalgic gynaecologists do? Look up old friends.

• A man died and went to hell and was sitting on a stone looking very depressed. Another demon came up to him and asked: "Why the glum look, man?" The man replied: "Well I just died and now I'm in hell." But the demon just smiled and said: "Don't feel bad, it's not a bad thing at all. Do you like smoking?" the demon asked. The man's face lit up and he answered; "Yeah!" "Well on Mondays we all get together and smoke till we die. The best thing is, we're already dead!" the demon answered. "Alright!" creid the man. "Do you like drinking?" the demon asked. "Yeah!" The man answered. "Well on Wednesdays we all get together and drink till we die. The best thing is, we're already dead!" the demon answered. "Sweet!" cried the man. "Are you gay?" asked the demon. The man frowned and said: "No." The demon replied: "Oh, then you're gonna hate Saturdays..."

• What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M.

• Q: Why do blondes need to have orgasms?A: So they know when to stop having sex.

• Q: Why do we have orgasms?
  
  A: How else would we know when to stop?

• A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin.
  
  The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.
  
  The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.
  
  He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.
  
  The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem.
  
  Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs.
  
  The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
  

• Why are guys like microwavable meals?They’re both done in 30 seconds.

• There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

  So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

  So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

  The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

  Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

  Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

   

• Two old ladies were rocking on the front porch, talking about their dead husbands.

  
  One said to the other, "Did you have mutual orgasms?"

  
  The other thought for awhile and said, "No...I think we had State Farm."

• This guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.

  "Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"

  She didn't answer.

  "Well, my name is Barry"

  "Okay" she said "Barry what?"

  "I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"

  So he wrote it down.

  She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."

  She slapped him and stormed off.

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Eskimo

• A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
  
  The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can`t. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
  
  The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
  
  Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
  
  The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspary, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
  
  The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
  
  The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

• A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

• One day two old men decided to go to a whore house, because they hadn't had sex in quite a while. They arrived at the house and the head mistress decided they wouldn't know the difference, so she put them in rooms with blow up dolls.
  
  After they were done, they met out front, and the first old man said, "What did you think about that? I think mine was dead."
  
  And the other replied, "I think mine was a witch."
  
  "Why?", asked the first man.
  
  "Because she farted and flew out the window."

• Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
  
  Little did he know she was darn near a nymphomaniac.
  
  After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
  
  On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find "it."
  
  After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's
  okay. She's not here!"

• A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR AND WITH A SLIGHT HESITATION ASKS THE BARTENDER "WHAT'S THE STRONGEST WHISKEY YOU HAVE" THE BARTENDER REPLIED "JACK DANIELS". THE MAN SAID " THAT'S FINE, I'LL TAKE FIVE SHOTS..." THE BARTENDER SAID " MAN, YOU MUST BE CELEBRATING...." THE MAN REPLIED " I GUESS YOU CAN SAY THAT...." THE BARTENDER ASKED "WELL, SON, WHAT YA CELEBRATING ?" THE MAN SAID "MY FIRST BLOWJOB..." THE BARTENDER SAID " HELL, SON, I'LL GIVE YOU A SHOT ON THE HOUSE..." THE MAN REPLIED "NO....NO THANKS...." THE BARTENDER SAID " WELL, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM...?" THE MAN REPLIED " WELL, IF THESE FIRST FIVE SHOTS DON'T TAKE THAT TASTE OUT OF MY MOUTH..I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL......"

• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

• The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late, the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.
  
  He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
  
  The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
  

• The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out
  to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields,
  and finally came into the city.
  
  They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere
  sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow,
  and then to red.
  
  Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's
  get out of here. If there's one thing I hate, it's a woman who's a tease."

• A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
  
  The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
  
  The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
  
  The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
  
  She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His
  dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, it feels good!"

• My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

• Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.But she belonged to someone else...One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a L100 if you let me have sex with you."But the girl said, "NO."Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend...So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for L200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."So she agrees and accepts the proposal.Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

• Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Paul says to the the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the holy water efore you enter." The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in. The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"

• A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

• A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

• FlashlightA man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

• At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
  
  Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
  
  Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

• You're so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you.

• Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he was stuck in the chicken.

• Why do women close their eyes during sex?They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

• Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

• Q: Why are American Indians better lovers than White man?
  
  A: Because they know how to stretch a beaver.

• What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they're fucked.

• A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy.""OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

• How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.

• Three men were setting on a bench.
  
  The first one said he didn't like getting old. "My health is pretty good, he said, but my hearing is real bad."
  
  The second old man said, "My hearing is ok but my eye's are starting to fail."
  
  The third old man said, "My hearing and eye's are fine, but my memory is starting to fail. Just this morning my wife fell back on the bed and said, 'Boy I've had it' and honest to God fellows, I don't remember giving it to her!"

• When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory."
  
  --- Anonymous Military Personnel

• An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But..."The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn’t it?"

• A 6 year old boy asks his daddy:Daddy, where did I come from to this life?You were brought by a stork.That's strange, you have such a pretty wife, but nevertheless you're fucking a stork.

• Question master: ‘In the Garden of Eden, what were the first words Eve said to Adam?’ Contestant: ‘Gosh, that’s a hard one!’ Question master: ‘Well done. Two points.’

• It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
  
  --- Joan Rivers

• In year 1272 Arabics invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In year 1873 the British somewhat reinvented the condom by taking it out of the goat first.

• A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
  
  So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
  
  "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
  
  The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."
  
  So off they went to the bedroom.
  
  That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
  
  Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
  
  So off they went to the bedroom again.
  
  That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.
  
  After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"
  
  "Warming up your supper!" she replies.

• Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.

• 1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
  True or False

  2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
  True or False

  3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
  True or False

  4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
  True or False

  5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
  True or False

  6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
  True or False

  7. Semen is a term for sailors.
  True or False

  8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
  True or False

  9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
  True or False

  10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
  True or False

  11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
  True or False

  12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
  True or False

  13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
  True or False

  14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
  True or False

  15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
  True or False

  16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
  True or False

  17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
  True or False

  18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
  True or False

  19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
  True or False

  20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
  True or False

  21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
  True or False

  22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
  True or False

  23. Pornography is the business of making records.
  True or False

  24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
  True or False

• It was around 11:00 PM on a stormy night when Dr. Edberg, the local vet, got a phone call.

  
  Answering the phone, he found a panicky old lady at the other end who shrieked, "Doc, I can't get my two doggies apart. They've gone crazy. One is trying to get on top of the other. What do I do?"

  
  "Try hitting them with a stick," the good doctor replied.

  
  "But, I did that, they just carried on," the old woman cried.

  
  "Well, why don't you pour some cold water on 'em. That should surely cool them," the Doctor tried again.

  
  "I tried that too, they simply shuffled away under the bed and carried on. Please, doc, tell me what to do!" the woman wailed.

  
  "Well (sigh!), put the phone down and take it to them. I'll call them up and we'll see if that separates them," the vet suggested.

  
  "Do you think that'll work?" the woman asked, obviously perplexed.

  
  "Well, it sure did in my case," the vet replied.

• A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite.‘Bridal?’ asks the desk clerk.‘No thanks,’ replies the bride, ‘I’ll just hang onto his shoulders.’

• One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
  
  The housewife explained that she'd had a party then night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of
  the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
  
  "Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."
  
  "You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times.

• The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.

• A sailor came home from a secret two year mission at sea only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
  
  "Was it my friend Marvin?" he demanded.
  
  "No!" his weeping wife replied.
  
  "Was it my friend Jerry then?" he asked.
  
  "NO!!!" she said even more upset.
  
  "Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
  
  "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

• Q: What is the favorite part of a farmers job?
  
  A: Getting down and dirty with its hoe.

• A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them. A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing." The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot." And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet. The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to." So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives.The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"The wife replied, "Great!"The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

• I love oral sex... it's the phone bill I hate.

• One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The clerk couldn't help
  notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and
  second because she was twitching violently and trembling, as if she had some
  kind of nervous disorder.
  
  "Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v-v-v-vibrators here?"
  "Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.
  
  "B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?"
  "Yes ma'am, we have some like that."
  "The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"
  "Yes ma'am.
  We've got just about any size you'd want."
  "The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?"
  "Yes ma'am we carry some like that."
  "Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the f-f-fuck you turn it off?"

• 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

• What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?Sex.

• An old man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Can you give me something to lower my sex drive.’ The doctor replies, ‘I would have thought at your age it’s all in the mind,’ ‘It is,’ agrees the old man. ‘That’s why I want it lower.’

• Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl very afraid tells her husband: "Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?" I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison" And they throw the first one. and the guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband: "Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!" The guy not very delighted tells her: "Lets put him into the prison another time!!" And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells him: "!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!" The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal. And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and the girl says: "!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!" And he answers with his last breath: "HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!

• A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo D**k.""How does it work?" asked the businessman.The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo D**k from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo D**k that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half."Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo D**k and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo D**k my p***y."The Voodoo D**k flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo D**k inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo D**k, my ass."

• The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive perfume.

  
  "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per ounce."

  
  "Listen," the fellow shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called 'You Can Bet Your Sweet Bippy On It'."

• Why do women need guys?Vibrators don’t usually pay for drinks.

• Did I tell you the joke about my dick? Never mind its too long.

• A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

• If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting?

• What do blondes do after they comb their hair? They pull up their pants.

• On a sunny summer afternoon, a truck driver and his pet parrot "Petey" are cruising cross country in their semi. Suddenly, the trucker spies a hot teenage girl along the roadside. He immediately pulls his truck to the side of the road.
  "Do you need a ride?" he asks.
  "Yeah" says the girl, climbing anxiously into the cab.
  As they're progressing down the highway, the trucker asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw.
  "Hell no!" says the girl.
  "Well," says the truck driver as he pulls his truck to the side of the road, "No fuck, no ride." He abruptly kicks the girl out of his rig.
  A short while later, the driver spots another fine teenage girl along the roadside. Again he offers a ride, and again his offer is accepted graciously. After a while, the truck driver asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw.
  "Not for my life!" says the girl.
  "Well," says the truckdriver, "No fuck, no ride." He pulls over and tells the girl to get out.
  Before long, the trucker spies a third teenage cutie along the roadside. He offers her a ride and she accepts.
  A few miles go by and the trucker decides to try his luck again.
  "Do you want to get in the back and screw?" he says.
  "Sure! Lets do it!" replies the girl.
  At this point, the trucker takes Petey and puts him in the trailer with his cargo. He then proceeds to make mad love to the minor in his cab.
  Upon finishing the deed, the girl says that she doesn't really need to go any farther. This is fine with the trucker, so he lets her out and continues down the road.
  Before long, he starts to get a really guilty conscience about what he did. "What if that girl reports me???" he thinks to himself.
  No sooner did that thought cross his mind when he noticed a police cruiser behind him with it's lights flashing and sirens blaring.
  "Oh great," the trucker thinks to himself, "maybe she did report me."
  
  "What's the problem officer?" says the truck driver to the policeman.
  
  "No problem really, other than the fact that you're losing your cargo out the back door... I just thought I'd let you know."
  
  "Oh shit!" says the truck driver upon realizing that he forgot to bring Petey back up front.
  
  The trucker and the cop walk around to the back of the trailer, and sure enough, there's Petey... throwing the frozen chicken cargo out of the back while cawing "No fuck, no ride!"

• Unexpected sex - is the best thing to wake up, unless you're in prison...

• A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part. The next mornning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.More and more guys come along and the same thing keeps happening.Finally, one day this guy comes along. The king puts the green glitter on his daughters private part, and the next mornning checks the guys privates and there was no green glitter.The king is thrilled and offers the man his daughters hand in marriage.The guy smiles to accept with a mouth full of green glitter.

• An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

  
  As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

  
  "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"

• A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.“Mother, where do babies come from?”The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

• In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.

• This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.
  
  He kicks her in the face.
  

• The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their
  family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
  
  Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
  the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
  
  "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
  
  "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
  
  "Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
  
  "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
  
  "Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
  
  "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
  and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
  too; you can really spread out."
  
  "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
  
  "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one everytime. But if we try
  several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
  you'll be pleased with the results."
  
  "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
  
  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and
  out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
  
  "Don't I know!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
  
  The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
  baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
  
  "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
  
  "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
  
  "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
  
  "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
  done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
  a good look."
  
  "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
  
  "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother
  was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
  Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed
  it all in."
  
  Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ...equipment ?".
  
  "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
  we can get to work."
  
  "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
  
  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
  

• Q: What did Cleopatra say to Marc Antony when he wanted to make love?
  
  A: Not tonight, I have my pyramid.

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

• A little girl sat on Santa's lap during the Christmas season. "Santa," she said, "I want a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe for Christmas."
  
  Santa replied, "Well, don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?"
  
  "No," answers the little girl, "Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I. Joe!"

• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

• This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a
  gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my
  humble shop."
  
  So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he
  was.
  
  The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
  The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."
  
  Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
  
  In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him
  violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!

• A father asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
  
  "I don't want to know!" the child
  said, bursting into tears.
  
  Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
  
  "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. Then at age eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

• Q: Why didn't Dairy Queen get pregnant?
  
  A: She went out with Mr. Softee

• Men mostly hate two words: 'not' and 'enough'… unless you say them together.

• In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger a few weeks ago. Here is David
  Letterman's top ten McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:
  
  10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."
  
  9. Condom, Condiment . . What's the damned difference.
  
  8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
  
  7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.
  
  6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
  
  5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.
  
  4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"
  
  3. So what . . . A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
  
  2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device."
  
  1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

• There are four animals. A rooster, a rat, a worm, and a cat. In the middle of them is a pond.
  
  Every time the rooster tries to go around the pond to get the worm everyone moves around. If he goes the other way the same thing happens. So he decides to go over the pond. He gets a big run, jumps, and flaps his wings and gets over and gets the worm. He is very happy.
  
  The cat (who really wants to get the rat) decides to try the same trick. He gets a run then suddenly stops right at the edge. It is too far of a jump. So he gets a bigger run and SPLASH, right in the middle of the pond.
  
  The Moral of this story is "Whenever there is a happy cock there is a wet pussy."

• A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having sex.The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?""Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."Astounded, the girl replies,"So you really love me?""Oh God no!", the guy says."I just got sick of waiting."

• Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.

• Men are like vacations – they never seem to be long enough.

• Have you ever wonder about those accidents along side the road, where there appears to be no reason for them?

  
  It was once thought they were caused by people having sex and crashing just at the point of orgasim. Well, research has determined that it doesn't happen as they climax. The accident actually happens when the guy falls asleep at the wheel after sex.

• A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."

• Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

• A doctor asks a patient while examining her:How many sex partners did you have?5 or 6, don't remember exactly..Hmm, not that many...Yes, that wasn't the most successful weekend.

• Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

• A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.
  
  She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."
  
  "How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear, "Shall we do 69?"
  
  "I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.
  
  "Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.
  
  "You do me, and I'll owe you one."

• Priest walks into a hotel reception and says 'I have booked a room for the night, but I hope the pornography on the television is disabled'. The receptionist say 'You weirdo, its normal porn!'

• Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?A. Finger painting.

• Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back
  and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, "Whatcha got there son?"
  
  Johnny said, "Got me some chicken wire."
  
  "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" asked the old man.
  
  "Gonna catch me some chickens!" said Johnny.
  
  "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on
  down the street.
  
  About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch . . . with 3 chickens entangled in the
  chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.
  
  About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch. "Whatcha got now son?"
  
  "Got me some duct tape."
  
  "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" the old man asked.
  
  "Gonna catch me some ducks!"
  
  "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.
  
  About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his
  eyes in disbelief.
  
  About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch.
  
  "Whatcha got now son?" asked the old man.
  
  Johnny said, "Got me some pussy willow."
  
  The old man said, "WAIT RIGHT THERE WHILE I GET MY SHOES!"
  

• Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
  
  A: Because mace will do that to you.

• Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has.

• Did you hear about the new contraceptive pill for men? You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

• The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

• ‘I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping Tom booing me.’ Rodney Dangerfield

• A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds: "Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

• Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

  They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

  The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

  The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

  The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

• Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

• Q: Whats the only thing that will make 5 pounds of fat look good?
  
  A: A nipple.

• Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom? "They'll never see you coming."

• Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

  In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

  The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

  Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"

• A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package.
  
  He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV.
  
  In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

• A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
  
  "Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."

• There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

  The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

  So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

  Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Jack Tizzard

• While making love, he says: Darling, let's do 68!68??? What's that?You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

• Three words to ruin a man's ego...? "Is it in?"

• Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex?A: When his wife's out of town.

• My sex life isn’t dead, but the buzzards are circling.

• Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?A: Ask your mom.

• Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died?A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.

• Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!

• The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced
  to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her
  and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going
  to the cops!"
  
  "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check
  in my pocket."
  
  "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the
  fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

• What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

• ‘I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.’ Steve Martin

• Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream when you're having sex?
  
  A: Phone her during sex and tell her
  

• A little boy came home from school and asked his mother, "Mommy, is it true that babies come out of the same hole that the penis goes in?
  
  The mother, obviously shocked and more than a little embarrassed, reluctantly replied, "Yes dear, that's true".
  
  The little boy, now somewhat confused, asked, "Well, doesn't it knock your teeth out?"

• A voice inside said to me: ”Calm down, you are not the first doctor who sleeps with his patient!” And another voice answered: ”but you are a veterinarian!”

• It is said that, a way to a man's heart goes through a stomach. Aha…you might think that men go to their lovers to eat some soup.

• What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.

• Q: What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
  
  A: A "night crawler".

• A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men."Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?""I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

• A college student goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"
  
  "I have a lot of issues with sex," the student replies.
  
  "What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
  
  "Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."

• A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
  "Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
  "Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
  "Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
  "Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
  "Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
  "Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
  "Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
  "Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
  Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
  Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
  "47, " came the reply.
  "What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

• A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
  
  The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
  
  The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
  
  There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

• The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying ranch, when he crossed paths with the town gossip.
  
  "Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?"
  
  "Well, the child was born without a penis." the doctor said.
  
  "Oh my goodness!" said the gossip.
  
  "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years."

• Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed. Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the phone, "Tell my husband to get his ass across the street."
  
  "Ma'am," a soft, sexy voice replied, "That's where he's been getting it for some time now."

• Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

• I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

• The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.

• Q: How do you know when it's time to take a potato out of the oven?
  
  A: Well, it's like sex -- you have to squeeze it. If it's hard you leave it in. If it's soft you take it out.

• Q: What do you call a 1000-pound woman in a bar holding a condom?

  
  A: A half-ton pick-up with a box liner.

• I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

• A couple have been dating for a few weeks, but the guy has been afraid of making advances because he thinks his penis is on the small side. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her down lovers’ lane. While they’re kissing, he opens his trouser zip and guides her hand onto his organ.‘No thanks,’ says the girl. ‘I don’t smoke.’

• These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod
  toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?"
  
  The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's room and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes, back downstairs he goes to his little brother. "Come with me," he says. The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now, I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!

• The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock? All the men stood up.'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?' Half the women stood up. 'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.The priest fainted.

• What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

• A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

  She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

  So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

  "I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

• Mary and Jane are talking. Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying. ‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane. ‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary. ‘I got pregnant within two months.’ ‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane. ‘It didn’t work for us.’ ‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary. ‘You have to go alone.’

• WANTED
  
  A tall well-built woman with good
  reputation, who can cook frogs
  legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
  schia garden, classic music and tal-
  king without getting too serious.
  
  But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
  

• A man and his son were talking about sex.

  The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

  The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

  "Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

  The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

  "Yeah" said the son.

  "Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

  His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

• There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she
  told her grandmother about it.
  
  Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.
  "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let
  him do that."
  
  She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to
  like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand
  between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
  
  Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to
  get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that,
  but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
  
  With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and
  could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
  
  The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old
  lady said.
  
  She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
  tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

• The White House Staff
  His Tiny Advisor
  The Nuclear Button
  The Executive Branch
  The Little Pollster
  His Soft Contribution
  His Pocket Veto
  The Secret Servicer
  The Presidential Caucus
  Commander in Briefs
  The Erectoral College
  IRS (Intern Ramming System)
  Lincoln Room
  Womb Broom
  McTool (Over 3 Billion Served)
  Politically Erect
  Power Pole
  Presidential Probe
  Pubic Servant
  Scandal Handle
  Top Banana
  The Ugly Stick
  West Wing Nut
  White House Woody

• Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!""Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.""I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?""Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.""I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!""Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"