Life Jokes

• An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his.They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck.""Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."His friend agreed that was bad luck. The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off.""My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?""Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye.""My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?""No, that was the first day I had my hook."




• You know what I was thinking about right now?What it would be like to have six fingers....high fives would be different.

• Nothing beats a woman with a beautiful singing voice.Except for Chris Brown.

• A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?"The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."

• 'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

• All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

• Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.

• Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

• The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.

• Don't drink while driving – you will spill the beer.

• A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

• What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

• Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

• Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

• Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

• Mother to daughter advice:Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

• Cessna pilot: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!Do you have the airfield in sight?"Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

• Why don't you slip into something more comfortable ...like a coma.

• Our folk not only knows how to read between the lines but also how to leave a record between the eyes.

• Which runs faster, hot or cold?Hot. Everyone can catch cold.

• I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

• Do you need space? Join NASA!

• When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!".But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".Moral: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...

• A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.The guy says, "No, ma'am."She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

• "What is love, at last?" asks the dentist.And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"

• The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

• An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The engineer said, "I like both.""Both?"Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

• What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."

• You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.You know what that means?You Matter.

• Women are looking for Mr. Right.Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.

• A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

• I like my girl to be Hannah on the streets but Miley in the sheets.

• My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?"Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."

• The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.“Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “Another doctor”.

• The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

• Life’s a bitch, and then you’re reincarnated.

• An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

• ‘I’ve found the secret of eternal youth.I lie about my age.’ Bob Hope How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? One.

• Girl: What if a boy hugs me?Mom: Say Don'tGirl: What if he kisses me?Mom: Say stop.The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!...

• The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.

• A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass."Why do you have a cork up your ass?""Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No s**t!"

• Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back...So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

• A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger."I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

• Why don’t all the managers go into holiday at once?So people can’t see that the company works without them..

• Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

• I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.

• Q: What's in the wardrobe?A: Narnia business.

• Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

• When you don't know, what you are doing, it's best, to do it quickly.

• How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?

• The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

• There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.

• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

• He who hesitates is boss.

• You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'.

• Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.

• The reward for a job well done is more work.

• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

• What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

• What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?They both like a tight seal.

• Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts?Doctor: Well, stop doing it!

• I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center.

• Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

• Why It Sucks to Be an Egg...You only get laid once, you only get hard once, and when you DO finally get hard, it takes under three minutes and you're already in hot water.

• Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!

• Don't make me use UPPERCASE.

• Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

• How many mexicans does it take to build... Oh shit, They're done!

• Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish?Kim: I..*Kanye grabs mic*Kanye: She do.

• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

• During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

• How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize?Cause he was outstanding in his field.

• Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

• I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

• For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.

• Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

• If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

• Q: Why did Mexico send only a couple thousand Mexicans to fight in the Alamo?A: Because they only had 4 trucks.

• I sent my young son to pick up ice cream, I handed him some money and a coupon. Later he came home with the ice cream and the coupon. When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Mom I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”

• One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.

• Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.

• Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

• 30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

• Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

• Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.

• The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.

• Want to hear a pizza joke... nah, it's too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it's too lame.

• A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."

• Can I help you?No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.

• What did the potato chip say to the battery?If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

• Lenin dies and goes to Saint Peter to tell him whether to go to hell or heaven. There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise. Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell.After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations." St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise.From that day and then there was a disturbing silence. After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what? Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking. Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ. He calls him and says: "God will punish you" And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."

• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

• Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

• The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.

• You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

• A patient to his friend: "I am taking rest cure."Friend: "What do you do?"Patient: "I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor."

• My "it's cold outside" post just went viral on Facebook.

• By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

• Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?

• The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!'

• Law of employment: When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed. When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

• Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?

• Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.

• The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

• A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence.Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."

• Everything is rightly confused.

• My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

• My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?""Led Zeppelin," I replied."Who?" he said."Yeah, I liked them too."

• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

• Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole?A: Divorced.

• What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.

• A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load?I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!

• How to Impress a Woman:compliment her,kiss her,caress her,love her,comfort her,protect her,hold her,spend money on her,wine & dine her,listen to her,stand by her,support her,go to the ends of the earth for her.How to Impress a Man:show up naked,bring beer.

• Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?A. Drizzle

• People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.

• Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful.

• Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?"Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."

• A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior.She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."

• A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."

• A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned.""What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible.""When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest."I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.""Is that when you swore?""No, Father." Said the man."After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again."Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!""Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest."No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.""Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest."No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.""You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

• Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.

• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• Loltard: Someone who uses 'lol' too much.

• Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with religion you get to confess your own sins.

• People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

• I got drunk last night and my house wasn't where I left it.

• If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

• You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '

• Do you know the joke of "no me neither"?No.Me neither.

• If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two.

• Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

• Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.

• Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day. They meet up at end of day and Englishman has sold 2, Scottish man had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. The other two asked how did he do it.He said, "Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"

• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

• I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

• Did you hear about the child with AIDS? it never gets old. I own an abortion clinic called "Don't Kid Yourself"

• A punk rocker gets on the bus with green, yellow, purple and orange hair.An old guy sitting on the bus stares at him, and the punk says, "What's the matter, old man, didn't you ever do anything wild in your life?" And the old man says, "Yeah, one time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

• Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.

• A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

• A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

• We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."

• Ok, so there this girl sleeping in religion classThe teaches asks the class "who is our lord and savior?"The boy behind the girl pokes her with a pen and she screams jesus christ!The teacher says "good, now who created the earth in seven days?"The boy pokes the girl again, she lest "oh my god!"The teacher says "good, now what did Eve say to Adam after their 11 child?The boy pokes the girl one more time and the girl yells "if you poke me with that ting one more time im going to break it off!"

• A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."

• Los Angeles Homeless...Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, "Will work for food," some of them have what they want: "Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives."

• Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?"Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour."Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."

• Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

• One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn’t trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I’ve got good news and bad news."Bush replied, "What’s the good news?""I’m turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I’m coming on a plane."

• Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

• If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?

• "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... except when you're at a funeral.

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

• Winter's coming so I'm knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?

• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

• Cool Morals:1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.3. Save water. Drink beer.4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

• If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.

• My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

• I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy."I tell him I want a second opinion.He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"

• Programming is like sexOne mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

• Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

• Are you free on Sunday? The director asks his secretary.Yes, sir.Then, please, use this day to rest a bit, so you won’t be late at work on Monday.

• Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

• Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Depends on how clumsy you are.

• A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

• Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?

• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

• I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

• Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job.You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.She tells her friends, "I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom.""Why, what's his new job?""He's an embalmer."

• Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

• An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time. The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop. "10:27" he said. The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man. Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time. The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

• Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".

• Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

• Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.

• If you were a triangle youd be acute one.

• At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time. “Josh!” exclaimed his mother. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?” “Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

• Why did the Viking buy an old boat?Because he couldn't afjord a new one!

• A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"“¨"Of course child. What may I do for you?""Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?""I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.""With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?""From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?""I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

• I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.

• Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates." The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's"

• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

• If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

• "Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.

• An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?"The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

• What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?They're hiring.

• Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It's all a load of shit.

• A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

• A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

• A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.The waiter tells them, "Excuse me if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"The Russian says, "What's a steak?"The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

• You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

• "I really don’t know girl, but I don’t believe in love at first sight!""Why?""Because... How can you tell if the man has a good salary at the first sight?"

• "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

• A large construction company sent a party in charge of finding workers all over the world in the very rural areas.They sucessfully obtained a dozen men and decided to fly them back to the construction site immidately.The men were very excited and could only speak of doin the job.Suddenly the piolot flying the plane encountered some difficulties and very safely landed the plane in the desert.Unknowingly to the men they thought they reached on the site, so they opened the door and all they could see was sand all around.Then one of the men shouted out in fear, "Let`s get the f**k out of here before the cement comes."

• So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".

• Big inspection on a build site/yard.The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just colapses.-(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time

• I'm so introverted I won't even talk to myself.

• If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look.

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

• 42 percent of statistics are made up!

• Doc, isn't it harmful to drink a shot before eating? No it's not, if you don't eat too often..

• Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.

• ‘Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So, what did you think?”’ Steven Wright

• The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.""And did he?""Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

• Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

• You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!

• It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town. What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright?

• On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."All the passengers hear it.As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

• When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

• What goes up and never comes down? Your age!

• Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

• 3 Stages of Sex:1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"

• Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

• A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

• A sandwich walks into a bar.The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

• If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.

• Trust but verify.

• Haven't seen any UFOs lately. Wondering if the galaxy is downsizing their space programs too.

• Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

• You can't have everything, where would you put it?

• Apparently, saying "Wow, you've grown since I last saw you" isn't deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

• What do you call an intelligent man in America?A tourist.

• Loneliness is when a person always knows where all of his things are.

• If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

• Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out. He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

• An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

• Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

• I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

• If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

• Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

• There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

• I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions'

• A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

• To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same.

• Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

• When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil.

• Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commentator.

• A guy shows up late for work.The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

• 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

• Secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.

• If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"

• I'm selling a parachute – just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.

• The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen."That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

• Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.

• A: Why are you late?B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?B: No, I was standing on it.

• As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...

• If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.

• 1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?"2nd Eskimo: "Alaska."1st Eskimo: "Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!"

• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

• A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…

• Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

• I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

• 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.

• Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

• Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.

• The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.

• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

• Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake."I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby."I can’t leave," the doctor says.But here’s what to do.Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks."He says you’re gonna die."

• Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.

• Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

• Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

• I found out about you from my last nightmare.

• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

• A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."I said I'm just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, "Yeah, sure."I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."I then he sat down and I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before!"

• Generally, all generalisations are false.

• A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.""All right. How long do you need them?"The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

• One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."

• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

• There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

• Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?"Waiter: "Can’t you tell the difference by taste?"Customer: "No, I can’t."Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"

• Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

• I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

• Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception

• A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness."Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time."Fat lady: "At which particular time?"Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."

• If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be? Chocolate filled.

• How Do they say "F**k You" in Hollywood? "Trust Me..."

• What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.

• I feel like Tampax – at a good place, but wrong time…

• Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize?He was outstanding in his field.

• If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

• How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.

• Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing?Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.""I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says."I just need to outrun you."

• There's good climate in heaven, but a better company in hell.

• What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

• I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for.

• Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.""Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?'"The old man answers, "Is name of owner."The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?""Me, is right here," replies the old man."You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?""Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.'Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

• RSVP: ??yes ??no ??yes now but then no later on

• Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

• You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.

• Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep."Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."

• What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

• Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.

• Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful!

• Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

• Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win?A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.

• Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

• At the Court discussion between judge and villager: So you was propeling surrogate alcohol?Me? No!What do you mean no? You have a device for that... means propeled.Then please judge me also for rape...So you have raped someone also?Well no... but I have a device...

• Q: Who hangs out with musicians but isn't a musician? A: Drummers.

• Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

• George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."Bush interrupted, "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"The doctor replied, "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left."

• Q:How many people can you fit in one Honda?A:Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

• At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?" Justin said, "If I were a boy."

• If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.

• If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.

• One day Daily Mail has a article with title: "One in four cannot read."The next day one another newspaper writes: "Nice to see a newspaper finally acknowledging their audience."

• An idea came to the mind, and now she's searching for the brain.

• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

• A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."The stranger says, "How about 20?"The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."The stranger says, "How about 10?"The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?"The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't."

• On a beach a man shouts at another man:Tell your son not to imitate me.A man to his son:Son, stop playing the fool.

• There's a lot of pretty woman at spring because during other seasons you appreciate them with your brain.

• If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

• Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

• A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says."That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

• Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car?A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!

• The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.

• You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.

• Q: Why are politicians like diapers?A: Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

• Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?A: Gaelic breath.

• I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

• How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.

• Q: What is height of forgetfulness?A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

• Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like...Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?

• A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.

• A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"The man says "I'm probably too honest."The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality."The man replies, "I don't give a shttp://unijokes.com/admin/h*t what you think!"

• Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

• Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.

• An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.

• Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.

• If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

• The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

• Doc, I think I need to wear glassesIndeed you have to, you are in a bank.

• Life is sexually transmitted.

• It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

• I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

• Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

• Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him...- Good, good, good...- Doctor, what's good?- Good that I don't have what you have...

• Do you know what a plateau is?It's the highest form of flattery!

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

• Life is like a box of chocolate.It doesn't last long for fat people.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong use to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and followed them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• What did the egg say to the boiling water?"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

• By the cup of Nescafé even the most secret thoughts turn into words, and by the bottle of vodka – into actions.

• A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more." The man below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

• If you weigh 99 pounds and eat 1 pound of nachos you will be 1% nachos!

• I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.

• Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

• The last chapter of every book should just be all the characters acting completely terrified because their world is about to end.

• Just remember ...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

• Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day."You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss."That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

• I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.

• Don't tell a lot about yourself, behind your back will tell more interestingly about you.

• Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

• There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

• A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children,"Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep.""Why to the waist", the children interested."Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you." The mother returned and her children met her at the door,"Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep.""Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?""Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children. "The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."

• What are two things a black man can't get in a fist fight.A black eye, and a swollen lip.

• A patient: "Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal."Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit."(After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."

• Ask me about my vow of silence.

• If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

• Growing up, Samuel L. Jackson didn't have a mother and a father. He had a mother and a motherf*cker.

• Paid love costs less.

• Q:Did you hear the joke about the rope? A:Just skip it.

• Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky "egg"lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely."What are you doing?," the female egg asked.He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."

• A government is doing really bad and is very likely to lose the election. So they gather the cabinet to deal with the situation."Guys we do not go well, we will lose power, we will lose everything. We need to do something" the prime minister said.A minister pops up and says: "We will redecorate! We will change desks, chairs, sofas, floors, curtains, everything will be changed." The others also agree and start to make plans.So sometime later, the maid comes inside, and she sees them so upset all working hard making plans, and says: "What about you guys, What is going on?""We do not go well as government and we are changing the decoration" they reply.The maid shrugs tentatively."Why do you react like that?""What can I tell you guys" she answers. "Before I came here for work, I used to work in a brothel. And when business didn’t go well, we did not change the furniture, but the hookers."

• If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?The rest of your life...

• I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it!You never know when you might need a nail.

• I'm not a Facebook status, you don't have to like me.

• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

• A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him:- Do you smoke?- No.- Do you drink?- No.- Do you eat fast food?- No.- Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...

• There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt.The bad brother died. The good brother missed him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy.One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there.God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

• Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?

• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

• Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.'It's not unusual' he replied.

• A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?He said quickly Obama. When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?

• If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.

• Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

• If you're going through Hell, keep going.

• For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

• Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer."I am!" Jesus shouted."No, I am!" the devil countered."I am!""I am!""Me!""No, me!""EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them.God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost.He came up empty-handed.Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

• Texan: "Where are you from?"Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"

• A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"No.The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"No.The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."The farmer shot Chuck.

• The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

• Here is an actual list of aircraft problems reported by pilots at the end of the day for the mechanics to fix before takeoff the next day followed by the notes the mechanics left for the pilots to read the next morning.(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire(P) Something loose in cockpit(S) Something tightened in cockpit(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear(S) Evidence removed(P) DME volume unbelievably loud(S) Volume set to more believable level(P) Number three engine missing(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

• A pastor was caught stealing in the church by a member of the church. This was the conversation between themPastor: Blessed are those who see and don't talk.Member: For they shall receive their share. Amen.

• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

• Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

• Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu?

• Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

• "What are you doing there?""I'm making something.""What are you making?""A bomb.""Can I help?""Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."

• Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

• It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

• It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.

• I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

• Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good.

• Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

• A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

• Who's your friend?

• Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long…The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"Washington says, "Never tell a lie.""Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that."The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears… Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"Jefferson says, "Listen to the people.""Oh! I really don’t want to do that."On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears… Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

• My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But In the end, it doesn't even matter.

• *WINS AN OSCAR*Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.

• 26.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do. Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.

• There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

• A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

• Where are you going for vacation this year?I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.

• Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.

• Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.

• I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say "you'll be next!" They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !

• A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:"S**t!"It took him two weeks to air out the church.

• The man pulled over to the side of the road when he saw the police lights in his rear view mirror. “How long have you been riding around without a tail light?” asked the officer. “Oh, no!” screamed the man, jumping out of the car. “Calm down, it isn’t that serious.” said the officer. “Wait’ll my family finds out.” “Where’s your family?” “They’re in the trailer that was hitched to the car!”

• How do I stay humble? Well, it's not easy, but I start by being generally bad at almost all things.

• A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!""Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.""You tightwad!" blurts the spectator."Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.""You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?""I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

• Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct."Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right.""Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

• When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

• You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

• You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

• Constipated people don't give a crap.

• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

• A tourist was watching an Indigenous man sending smoke signals. Everything around him was primitive, except of a latest model fire extinguisher."What's the fire extinguisher for?" the tourist wondered."It's for erasing the misspellings!"

• Funny Lists: Eight ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"1. The cucumber has left the salad.2. You've got Windows in your laptop.3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.4. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.6. Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave.7. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.8. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

• Loneliness is when you get an e-mail but it's from the newsgroup server.

• Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

• The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

• My drinking team has a bowling problem.

• I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

• The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

• All the problems fade before a hangover

• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

• Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

• We have so many nationalities. It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there. It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.

• Man's appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows.

• One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."

• Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.

• A senior Catholic Priest in Kenya was dying in a hospital and for his death wish he asked to see the local MP and the county Governor. Within hours, the two arrived. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands and kept quiet. The politicians were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a senior and well respected priest in his dying moment.Out of anxiety, the Governor asked, 'But why did ask for me and Mheshimiwa?' The priest gathered all his strength and held their hands even tighter. Then with his eyes still closed, he mumbled 'Jesus died between two thieves. My only wish is to die the same way.' Minutes later as the silence enveloped the hospital room, the priest took his last breath.

• Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.

• If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

• Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!

• A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

• A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight."I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?""Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes."The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head."But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!""True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."

• I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

• I intend to live forever... or die trying.

• What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?Yell at her.

• Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

• Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

• Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

• What We Learn From the Movies:It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

• Imagine that ur in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do? U stop imagining...

• I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

• Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

• A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves. Finally, he asked the patient: "Have you had this trouble before?"He answered: "Yes."Doctor said: "You have again got it."

• Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.

• Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

• Life may not be worth living, but what else can you do with it?

• Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

• What do you find in a clean nose?Fingerprints!

• Fridges should have glass doors.That way i dont have to stand with the fridge door open trying to figure out my next move.

• Somebody knocks on door:Who is there?Police?What do you want?We want to talk.How many of you are there?Two.So talk with each other.

• Here's to alcohol, the cause of – and solution to – all life's problems.

• That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

• An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face."Holy cow! What's that smell?""I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?""Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

• Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?A: Meet Patty.

• J: What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving day?A: TWERKY!

• What's lil Wayne's favorite kind of pizza?Little Seizures.What? To soon?

• Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they're all like "we need to talk."

• I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

• A Gujarati Funeral… A family in Gujarat got simply puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Puj. Ba) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the Daughters.The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to all her brothers and sisters:Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben & Varsha,I am sending Puj. Ba’s dead body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Kadhywad, GUJARAT, India.Sorry, I could not come, all of my paid leaves got consumed.You will find inside the coffin, under Ba’s body, 5 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates, 8 packets of Badam and few items for Kids. Please divide these among all of you.Near Ba’s feet, you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct!Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan and rest you can decide.The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba’s left wrist.Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take it.The few pairs of white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among all the Nephews.Please distribute all these above items fairly & equally.Yours loving sister, AnubhaviP.S.: If anything more needed, let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days…

• I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.

• Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter."Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer."I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff."It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."

• FOUR stages of girl & boy relation!1. hand in hand.2. that in hand.3. hand in that.4. that in that.

• You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.

• It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.

• I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

• Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m."2nd driver, "it's ok, just go, there is no cops around."

• I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore...

• A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while."The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."

• Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

• Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.

• How many Wall Street protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they can't? change a thing.

• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

• Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t. The pig was killed.The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.“What happened?” asked the President. “Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.The driver replied: “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

• Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

• A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?""He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

• I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!

• A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?""Of course my child, What can I do for you?""Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I havereally gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it underyour cassock?""Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.""You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything todeclare?""From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

• Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.

• Waiter: "I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg."Customer: "Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card."

• Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

• The old woman comes to a gynecologist. He inspects her and says with the surprice:An old woman, you're pregnant! How did you managed at your age...?Oh, those teens. They always asks to tell them everything, then show and give to try...

• Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they're happy.

• The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.

• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

• One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.

• Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists.

• ‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?' a Thought said and killed herself…

• What is height of Activelaziness?Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

• How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

• "Doctor I feel like biscuits!""What, you mean those square ones?""Yes!""The ones you put butter on?""Yes!""Well, that means you’re crackers!"

• I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.

• This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."The priest said, "And that's when you swore."The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"

• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

• Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..

• Mom can i buy some heels?No.Mom can i buy a bra?No.Mom can i buy a dress?No.Mom can i buy a barbie doll?No. You never let me buy anything!Shut up, Justin.

• Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?"Doctor: "How old are you now?"Patient: "40"Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?"Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice."Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"

• You WILL be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

• Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

• The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

• Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.

• I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

• A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon."He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away."Stupid hag was hiding under the bedHad to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.But it worked.I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

• I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

• You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

• Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.The government hates competition.

• I childproofed the house… but they still get in!

• Doctor doctor I feel that Im a pack of card. What can I do ?Doctor: I deal with you later.

• I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

• The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes on 5th November 1605.

• Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

• When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

• Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

• Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days

• According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.

• Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

• The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"So the Pope slapped her.

• I like the sound of you not talking.

• Life is an open door.It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

• Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.

• Always be yourself!Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman

• When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".

• Customer: Give me a hot dog.Waiter: With pleasure.Customer: No, with mustard.

• Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.

• Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.

• How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

• What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors.

• I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

• Why does Rick Ross rap about cars when he cant fit in them.

• Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.

• You want to come in my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open.Just one request. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.

• There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales.Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish guy must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.'

• What did one ghost say to another ghost? "Do you believe in people?"

• I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.

• Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

• Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.

• To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

• If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.

• There once was a gal named Lewinsky,Who played music like a Stravinsky."Twas "Hail to the Chief"On this flute made of beef.That stole the front page from Kaczynski.Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.Since you look such a mess,Use the hem of your dressAnd wipe that goo off of your chinsky."Lewinsky and Clinton have shown.What Kaczynski must surely have known:That an intern is better.Than a bomb in a letter.Given the choice of how to be blown.

• A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

• Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast. They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes. Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped. Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped. Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped. The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said "Why? We can both jump." "How is that?" said the monk. The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"

• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

• A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"

• A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc , can you get this wart off my ass?

• Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?A: Stinkerbell!

• Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.

• Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!

• Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

• If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it.

• Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...

• I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

• Patient: "May I have a glass of water, doctor."Doctor: "Are you thirsty?"Patient: "No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks."

• Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying."The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."

• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?

• When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.

• Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.

• Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

• The longer you sleep – the more sleep you need. The more you eat – the bigger is your appetite.

• Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.

• How do you caculate the population of Russia? You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.

• I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

• A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement."Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!""Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help.""By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

• I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

• If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?The Captains Dinghy!

• A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

• Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

• What did the light bulb say to the switch? "You turn me on."

• Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.”Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

• The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

• To the question ‘What are you doing here?' 72% answered negative.

• I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

• It's two in the morning. Do you know where your blankets are?

• I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.”“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?” “No, I don’t,” I said.He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?” “No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.”He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”

• A man was drowning and asked God to help him. A boat came by wanting to help the man. The man refused and said that God would save him. The man drowned and went to heaven. He asked God why didn't you save me. God responded, "I sent a boat to get you and you did not get on."

• What do a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They both can smell it, but they can't eat it!

• Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"

• Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?

• A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She’s gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."Moral of the story:Always let your boss have the first say...

• A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.

• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

• This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight..."

• What are the three rules for being a plumber? 1. Hot water is always on the left. 2. Shit doesn't flow uphill 3. Never chew your fingernails.

• Q: What's the difference between a black fairy tale and a white one?A: White one starts like "once upon a time" Black one starts like " y'all muthaf*ckas gotta here dis"

• Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

• Kanye West compared himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs. Apparently none of them could sing, either.

• From all the butts, ours is the most important.

• A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car."That is amazing" the employee was fascinated."That is true" replied boss "and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder I can get an even better car next year".

• If you can't say something nice, say it in French.

• Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

• Computer does what you command him to do but not what you want from him.

• Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom?Mom: Why? my child..Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said, "Please God let me go to the bathroom..."

• Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

• Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.

• Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

• Somebody stole my mood ring and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that..

• How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

• A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."

• How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad.

• Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.

• One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.

• Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

• One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" And poof, he was there.Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

• On the Internet you can be anything you want.It's so strange that many people choose to be stupid.

• Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

• The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

• There was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said "Doctor I have a fever”"The doctor said, "you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine."The sick one said, "but doctor, I only have 3 spoons what shall I do?"

• You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

• You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter

• The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

• Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.""Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?""Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

• I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

• With a calendar, your days are numbered.

• What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

• Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.

• What is height of Fashion?Dhoti with a zip.

• If you got tired of living, don't share your thoughts with all your friends – they might not give you a chance to change your mind…

• TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

• When in doubt, mumble.

• Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.

• What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry Ive got you covered!

• A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."

• An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.

• What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?Speed bumps.

• I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

• Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.Bush asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat."The second boy says, "I want a truck."The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone."Bush asks, "Why is that?"The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

• Evolution: True science fiction.

• A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city.""Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

• Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

• Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.

• Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.

• How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris?Don't know...its never been done.

• Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full". That's just 3 random words. I'm going to try now.Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.

• Me: Real women don't care about romantic clichés. My internal voice: Please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers, please buy me flowers.

• Q: What bounces and makes kids cry?A: My donation cheque to Children in Need.

• This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son."Yes Dad, what is it?""Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"

• My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

• I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!

• A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

• Mexicans cross the border 1...2...and 4 at one time, never 3. why?Because the sign says - no tres passing.

• Pawn Stars:Man: "Can I have change for a dollar?"Rick: "Best I can do is 75 cents."

• If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?

• Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

• Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.

• Comedy is tragedy plus time.

• Doctor (to the patient: "Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you take it?"Patient: "Yes, sir. But I did not drink it."Doctor: "Why?"Patient (Pointing to the bottle): "Because it is written on the label: 'Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.'"

• An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply."For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

• I don't understand why people pay shrinks when I'll tell them what's wrong with themselves for free.

• Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

• Dear Week, I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend. Don't try to find us for at least 2 days.

• That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.

• If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

• A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

• The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

• All these Miley Cyrus jokes are whoreable.

• A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."Moral of the story:If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

• You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

• How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.

• All my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second..

• What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!

• More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance."This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows.""I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

• A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage."The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"The clerk says, "Well, no."With deep self-righteous ndignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

• We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

• If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

• A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl""But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says."Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother."But I'm not an American," the man says."What are you then?" asks the mother."I'm an Iranian," the man says.The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.

• Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

• You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush', ‘Dick', and ‘Colon'. Need I say more?

• I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.

• A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary. The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions:Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?I don’t know.What color do her eyes have?I didn’t notice... But about dressing, how does she dress?Very fast...

• Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?A: Look for sesame seed buns.

• Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

• First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong... God is clearly no fan of moonwalkers.

• Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. "Sleep now, it's all right," he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, "Honey, I really need to tell you something." Finally Jake let her get it off her chest. "Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.""Don't worry about it," Jake said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

• Define "Egghead":What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

• Only dead fish go with the flow.

• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

• The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

• Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts.

• Men mostly hate two words: 'not' and 'enough'… unless you say them together.

• I'm as bored as a slut on her period.

• Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson."And what do you deduce from that?"Watson ponders for a minute."Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?"Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

• It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

• Jenna, Jessica and ariana die.They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy. Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?". Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall. Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?"The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

• Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

• Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.

• A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."

• The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

• You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them.

• When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen.

• What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock? It repeated on him.

• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

• In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.

• Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.

• I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.

• Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story."Once upon a time there was a white bunny...""Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said."Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and....""Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!""Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."

• Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

• What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing!

• When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

• What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician?A Labracadabrador!

• Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage. They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.

• I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.

• Because of the disregard towards safety techniques people not only die but are also born.

• Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress...

• Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny."Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"

• "You can't sleep either?" Says a voice from under your bed.

• There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

• It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it."Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously."I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

• Kids, don't grow up... it's a trap!

• Patient: "How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?"Doctor: "Fifty rupees."Patient: "Fifty ruppes, for only a few second’s work?"Doctor: "Well, I will do it very slowly."Patient: "How much is for the operation?"Doctor: "Rupees on thousand."Patient: "But it was a serious one."Doctor: "Nonsense. You can’t buy a serious operation for Rupees one Thousand now-a days."

• I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

• Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

• When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

• A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today.""With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost."Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said."It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.""Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on." So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it."Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back.""He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.So I did."

• That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat.

• I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said, ''Are you two an item?''

• I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said "If you can read this the b*tch fell off."

• Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato?A: "You better catch up!"

• This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession.The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?"The old guy says, "During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors."The priest replies, "Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure."The old guy says, "Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?"

• If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.

• I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says:"Haha nice one!"and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

• It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

• In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was Made in China.

• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

• I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine.But I need a line to end it.

• Air traffic controller:"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

• Dentist (to the patient: "For God’s sake, stop making those noises and waving your arms. I haven’t even touched your tooth yet."Patient: "Yes, I know. But u’re standing on my foot."

• A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the conservatory and the dining room."

• The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church.One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"

• Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

• We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.

• A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instuctions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it"s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:"Ok, I"m going to my next client."To which the lady says:"NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.10 minutes later the husband arrives and say"s:"Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"To which the worker replies:"I"m waiting for the bus!"

• A man was strolling along a beach in California.On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle. He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork. Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free.For that, I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship. Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?" "Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill. Can you think of something that is more practical?" The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?" The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"

• A man was fishing in the jungle.After a while another angler came to join him. "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man. "Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."

• Q: What’s the definition of a pessimist?A: A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

• I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

• Never answer an anonymous letter.

• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

• A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

• Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says."President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts."Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else."The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

• Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.

• What does an annoying pepper do? It get's jalapeño face

• Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

• A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

• A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor. The street was too narrow for two to pass.The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."

• An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

• A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands."Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?""I don’t see why not," replies the doctor."That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."

• No one is listening until you make a mistake.

• God sees everything. Neighbors – even more... Tell me who I am and I will tell you who you are...

• There was a trucker riding along on a highway, While riding he sees a priest on the side of the road sticking his thumb out trying to catch a ride. So out of curtisy the trucker stops and picks up the priest. They start chatting and having a good time. On the way they see a homeless person on the side of the street. The truckers veers off and hits the homeless person. *bu-dump* the trucker sees homeless person,*bu-dump* the driver who is laughing histerically wasn't watching the road and there was another bu-dump, The driver immediatly stops and looks around nervous."what was that?" he looks at the priest and the priest looks back."You missed a homeless guy, but don't worry I got him with the door."

• A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

• Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual. She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.

• The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.

• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

• -How is Ruth?-Not sure. I broke up with her last month.-Oh no. You're so Ruthless.-And how long have you been waiting to use that?-I'd rather not say.

• What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

• The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

• Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job.""Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."

• Only an ass can be divided in half.

• Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

• 10 Facts About You: 1. You're reading this now. 2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact. 4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3. 5. You're checking now. 6. You're smiling. 7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid. 9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8. 10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again. 11. You're enjoying this. 12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

• How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home?Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.

• A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. Prefer Wraps and females who think realistically pick Wholemeal.”

• Never make the same mistake twice.There are so many new ones, try a different one each day.

• Teeth says to tongue: if I just press a little, you'll get cut.Tongue replies: if i misuse a single word, all 32 of you will come out.

• Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.

• What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down? Hoe-Down.

• Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?

• It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

• Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend's 25, Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend's 26, so if you're single its ok, maybe he's just not born yet.

• A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.""Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks."Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

• The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.

• God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.

• Man returning with his wife from guests. Drunk man drives car better than his sober wife. But there is only one problem, how to explain that to the policeman?

• When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”

• Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

• What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

• The fastest dialog in the world:(WC door is opening)Man inside: Heyyy!Man outside: Sorryyy!

• Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.

• Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.

• Q: What does the baker have under his apron?A: Dough nuts.

• You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'.

• Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead.

• Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.

• The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.

• Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that shit Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee niggas be evacuating like they need to.

• Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

• Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?""Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.""Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what colour they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

• The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

• There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant."It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out.""That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned."Get my brown pants."

• A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

• Two muffins are sitting in an oven and one says to the other: "Man, it's hot in here!" The other one says: "Ah! A talking muffin!"

• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

• In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!""Well," said the guy, "you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!""That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!" the guy replied."I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

• Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack."How did that happen?" asks the first guy."Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot.""Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

• Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?

• Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."The hunters go out and return with two bears.So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!"But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board. After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.The pilot says, "About the same place where we crashed last year."

• There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left.The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.The first man said:"Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said."Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"That is to horrific. He asked the third man how he died and he said."Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator..."

• Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?A: Cheez Whuz.

• A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

• If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!

• It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.

• It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.

• Why can't cinderella get in the basketball team? Because she keeps running away from the ball.

• Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...

• Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.

• Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes?It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it...

• An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

• Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?

• Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.

• Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.

• Boy asks his Gran nervously, "have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?"Gran replies "fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!"

• Man visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back. "Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?"The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."

• Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

• What's the fastest thing in the world?A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve.What's the second fastest thing in the world?The Indians running after it.

• Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office."Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.""We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off.""Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

• Why is there a fence around the cemetery? Because people are dying to get in.

• What's the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

• Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

• Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

• A guy drives on the highway and sees a sign that says, "Mississippi State Whorehouse 10 miles." He decides to stop in. A madam answers the door, and the man requests a whore.The madam says, "I'll need $500 first." The man pays, then asks about his whore again.The madam says "Wait for 15 minutes in that hallway. Go straight, left, straight, right, and then go through the door at the end of the hall."He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, "Congrats! You've just been screwed by the state of Mississippi!"

• Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"

• That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you put another dish in the sink.

• A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.

• Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

• Our conscience is clear- we don't use it.

• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

• A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

• Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

• Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?The police thought it was a cereal killer.

• The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

• Police: Where do u live?Me: With my parents.Police: Where does ur parents live?Me: With me.Police: Where do u all live?Me: Together.Police: Where is ur house?Me: Next to my neighbors house.Police: Where is your neighbors house?Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.Police: Tell meMe: Next to my house...

• Does your train of thought have a caboose?

• Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

• What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!

• We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

• This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

• Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace.

• A student was lucky to find a decent accommodation with a cheap rent. His colleagues came to visit him and he was showing them the house. "This is the kitchen. This is the bedroom. And this one is the living room ... ""And what are this hammer and this pot that are hanging on the wall for? What are you going to do with them?" one of his colleagues asked. "This is a talking clock.""I have never seen a clock like that. Can you show me how it works?""Sure. Look," the student said.He took the hammer and struck at the pot with all his strength. Then a voice was heard from the other side,"What you are doing? Are you crazy? It is half past one in the night, you idiot!"

• If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?

• It's bad luck to be superstitious.

• I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

• How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles? "Trust me."

• It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.

• A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."St. Peter consults his list.He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."St Peter consults his list.He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.""Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!""Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

• A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

• Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• Transitional age is when during a hot day you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.

• I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"Me: "John"Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."Me: "Two?"Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"Me: "Two?"Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"Me: "Two?"Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"Me: "I don't know? A lot?"Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy."

• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

• During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.”"Do you want a room with or without a view?"

• A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?""Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed."Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt."Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? ""I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.""That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?""Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.""Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?""Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison... '"

• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

• Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

• When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

• What has four legs but can't walk? A chair.

• I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

• I did so much crack, one day I broke in my own house. I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. Finally, I said, "Damn, this brother will never come home!"

• FRIDAY is my second favorite F word.

• The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.

• Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.

• My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.I feel better already.

• When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

• A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her – follows you behind.

• Waiter, what is this stuff?That's bean salad sir.I know what it's been, but what is it now?

• Ignorance can be educated.Crazy can be medicated.But there is no cure for stupidity...

• A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!" Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!" Again, he tries to ignore it.The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"

• What is the best type of ship?FRIENDSHIP!

• Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?""It’s very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

• You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

• Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

• I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"

• A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

• Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"He says, "Soup and ice cream!"

• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

• Marriage is the main reason for divorce.

• Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

• Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.

• Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!

• One day a black white and Asian got arrested but the cop said if u can say green pink and yellow in a sentence, then u won't go to jail. The black didn't know what to say so he went to jail. The white said "well white guys are pink....." but the cop said wrong order so he went to jail. So the Asian guy said "well the phone go Green green so i pink up the phone and say yellow"

• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

• The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’.

• How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

• I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it — and he's always on time.

• Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:- A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.- You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.- You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.- You can make coffee as sweet as you want.- You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.- Coffee doesn't talk to you.- Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise.- Coffee stains are easier to remove.- Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.- When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away.- When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.- Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.

• Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.

• What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.

• Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love.

• Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"

• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

• What Liberals & Conservatives Generally Do In Certain SituationsIf a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't` eat meat.If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

• If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

• What was Forrest Gump's email password?1forrest1

• Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day a gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"Bob replies "No, what do you mean?""You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.""But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"

• Cake: the answer, no matter the question.

• This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York.The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots.The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says:Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...

• Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go." Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it. So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news.""What is the bad news?" asked Bill."Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore.""Whats the worst news?" asked Bill."The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

• What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

• Life is a car wash … and I’m on a bicycle.

• Coworker: Can you help me with this project?Me: The short answer is no.Coworker: What's the long answer?Me: Nooooooo.

• Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things. Doctor: Since when did you have these problems? Patient: What problems?

• I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

• Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

• When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.

• I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"

• Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

• No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?

• I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?

• Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line.If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

• Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking."Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."

• You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, "I'm fine" than when you are flying on an airplane.

• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

• Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.

• I'm not crazy; I've just been in a bad mood for the last ten years.

• A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street.The driver rush to the scene. He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."

• What is Jehovah's wiseness favorite band? The Doors.

• Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.

• Q:Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm the school bell.A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.

• People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

• I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

• The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

• Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

• There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.

• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

• A man walks into a chemist’s and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I’ll take it with me now."

• I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.

• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

• Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps' !

• Fast way to screw up someone's Knock Knock joke...? "It's open."

• Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'

• Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.

• What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

• I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.

• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

• My room + internet connection + music + food – homework = perfect day.

• That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned...

• A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

• I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P.

• Smoking is a slow death! But we're not in a hurry…

• I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.

• If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.

• Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

• A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

• If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

• A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

• It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

• Lebron better than Jordan? Ha! Yea right. Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.

• Why are we so sure that Eve was African? If she were white, she wouldn't have eaten that apple! She would say, "Is this organic? What would Oprah do?" If she had been Asian, she'd have eaten the damn snake!

• Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.

• According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

• Karma is like 69. You get what you give.

• You don't work – you don't have money to live, you work – there's no time to live.

• If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...

• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

• Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?"Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."

• An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled..."SUPPLIES!"

• Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-1. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."So they laid off the night watchman.