Funny Jokes

• If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Instead, there would just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.




• Teacher: Why are you talking?
  Little Johnny: Well God gave me a mouth so I'm allowed to use it.
  

• The best way to get a woman to have sex with you is to compliment her... Like, "Wow you're a fast runner, you almost got away."

• Me: The police shot a thief in the finger and he died.
  Friend: How did he die if he was shot in the finger?
  Me: His finger was in his nose!

• Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.
  
  Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.
  
  Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
  
  The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
  
  At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.
  
  Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "You know, Jim one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

• roses are red
  unicorns are orange
  this makes no sense
  peanuts
  

• I just saw a little girl get a "You're #1" sticker. She read it, "You're hashtag one." We're doomed.

• I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight. So as an adult I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

• Three drunk men & under drugs, stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured they were not in their right minds, so he just switched on the engine & switched it off & told them"We arrived ". The 1st man gave him money, the 2nd man said "Thank u" while the 3rd slapped him! The taxi driver got surprised thinking the 3rd guy that slapped him realized the car didn't move an inch, so he asked;"what was That (slap) for?" The drunk man replied "Control your speed next time. U almost killed us.!!!"

• I hate my gf's friends, theyre haters, they only hate me. I have a son named frankie, one day he went up to me and asked "whats a hooker"?
  Me: something you shouldnt know
  
  So he started protesting around the kitchen
  
  Frankie: hooker! Hooker! Hooker!
  
  So i snapped
  
  Me: QUIT IT!!!!
  My gf comes out
  
  Gf: why are you yelling at him?
  
  Me: He wants to know what a hooker is.
  
  Gf: you know my friends were right about you, your a bad influence!!
  
  Me in my head: a bad influence?? Theyre haters!!!!
  
  Gf: tell him what a hooker is!!
  
  Me: frankie, wanna know what a hooker is?
  
  Frankie: yeah!!
  
  Me: those are your mom's friends.
  
  #OOHKILLEM

• You use google super often, but i bet you can't remember the order of the colors.
  Like if you can't remember ;)

• Roses are red violets are blue god made me pretty, What the Fu** happened to you?

• To find a woman, you need time and money. Therefore woman=time×money. "Time is money" so time=money. Therefore woman=(money)². "Money is the root of all problems," money=?problems. Therefore woman=(?problems)² so woman=problems.

• IMPORTANT NEWS HEADLINES:
  
  21 people were killed in a 21 gun salute,
  The head of the lost-and-found was reported missing,
  A vegetarian has been beaten to death by a meat packer.
  A 107 year-old woman is reported to be pregnant... physicians say that due to her advanced age, she will have a grown-up.
  A man has barricaded himself inside his home. However he is not armed, and no-one is paying any attention to him.
  A woman was severely injured while she attempted to breast-feed a wildcat.
  A high-speed chase ended when the car stopped and the people got out.
  An earthquake hit a maternity hospital and 3 people were killed. Luckily, 6 people were born.
  A priest who has performed over 300 exorcisms was eaten yesterday by a green boogeyman.
  A man who was shot 9 times yesterday and refused treatment... died today... of 9 shots.
  Tragedy struck the parade last week when an uncovered manhole claimed the lives of 1200 marchers one at a time...

• Guy - "Gimme the bad news first."
  Doctor - "You have AIDS."
  Guy - "What's the good news?"
  Doctor - "You have alzheimer's."
  Guy - "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

• "Would you like a table?"..." No I came to this resteraunt to eat on the floor, carpet for 5 please."

• How guys propose: On one knee.
  How girls propose: "I'm pregnant!"

• Q. What's a Tennis Player's Favourite Card?
  A. Ace

• me: you want to here a short joke
  kid:sure
  Me: look in the mirror if you tall enough

• What's The Difference Between Snow-Men and Snow-Women?
  -Snow Balls!!

• Step 1: Attach a mustache to your t.v.
  Step. 2: Drink every time it lines up with someones face.

• Cashier: Are you going to buy these?
  
  Me: No, I'm going to steal them, I just wanted to show you first

• why were so many niggers killed in the Vietnam war??
  because when the sergeant said to "get down", they all got up and started dancing.

• Friend: Haaaayyy wutt r yew doin ???
  Me: About to throw a dictionary on your face...

• What does a rubik's cube and a dick have in common?
  The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

• This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

  The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

  The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

  So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

  So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

  The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

  So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

  So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

  The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

  So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

  When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

   

• Call bowling alley
  Guy: "Hello?"
  Me: "Do you have 10lb balls?"
  Guy: "Yes.."
  Me: "How do you walk?"
  Guy hangs up on me.

• Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the
  walk.
  As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
  The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
  

• If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?

• ' aww what a cute dog '
  *walks closer*
  "BARK BARK BARK"
  ' well fuck you too then you ugly shit '

• Robber: "Give me all your money. Otherwise you are chemistry! "
  Person: " Don't you mean history? "
  Robber: "Don't change the subject! "
  'Both start laughing'

• All I learned from Mario is that in order to get through anything, you'll need help from mushrooms.

• One day, youtube, twitter and facebook will combine together making: YouTweetFace.

• Gay has three letters, so does you.
  Coincidence, I think not.

• You: Do your parents know your gay?
  Friend: No?
  You: HAHAHHA
  Friend: Shit

• Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.
  Friend:Well whats it about?
  Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnappers with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
  Friend:Cool whats it called?
  Me:Finding Nemo

• Why can't the 2013 Bronco's eat cereal?
  They choke when they get to the bowl.

• Go to the pet store and buy birdseed then ask the clerk how long will the birds take to grow

• I hate it how my friends come in my house, do you have a bathroom? NOPE we shit in the backyard -,-

• If someone just texts you "K", just reply with "L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z"

• My friend Harris had to get his baby photos taken from a satellite

• There Once Was A Man Named Hawking,
  Who Got Really Tired Of Walking,
  So He Hopped On His Scooter,
  Attatched a Computer,
  Now It Does All The Talking!
  Love Ben
  

• How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day?
  1. F__ K
  2. PU_S_
  3. S_X
  4. P_N_S
  5. BOO_S
  6. __ NDOM
  
  Answers
  1. FORK
  2. PULSE
  3. SIX
  4. PANTS
  5. BOOKS
  6. RANDOM
  
  Scoring
  6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.
  5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.
  4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.
  3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.
  2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.
  1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor.
  0 Correct: What a pervert!

• The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop...

• Son: dad dad a kid told me I am gay
  Dad: well kick his ass
  Son: oooh nooo he is so cute

• A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
  
  "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
  
  The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
  
  Then Little Johnny says,
  "I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
  
  The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,
  "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
  
  "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...
  
  .....but I like your thinking."

• "Eat your vegetables son it puts hairs on your chest, look see, I'm as hairy as a gorilla" "Stop it mom that's gross."

• There are four people on an airplane. The pilot, Hitler, An old man, and a young boy with a backpack. About 20 minutes into the flight the pilot runs out and yells. " The plane is going to crash! Grab a parachute and jump!" The young boy says, " But sir, there are only 3 parachutes. Not all of us will survive." All of the people look at eachother and the pilot says, " I deserve to live." So he jumps out of the plane leaving 2 parachutes and 3 people. Hitler says, " I have done so much to the world. I should live." So he grabs a parachute and jumps leaving 1 parachute and 2 people. The old man squats down and says to the little boy, " Son, I have lived my life to its fullest so you take the last parachute." the little boy says, " thats okay, we still have 2 parachutes." The old man says, " How? Hitler took the other one." The little boy adds, " No he didnt. Hitler took my backpack.

• If the 9+10=21 kid was mexican i bet instead of saying twenty-one, he would say;
  Guy: Whats 9+10?
  Kid: TWENTY-JUAN???

• There were 3 dudes walking past a cliff with a river at the bottom .A wizard then appears and tells them that if they jump down the cliff and yell something it will appear at the bottom .The first dude jumps down and yells girls and lands in a pill of girls . The second one jumps down and says diamonds and lands in it .then the last man goes and tripe over a stone then he yells SHIT!!!!!! Then you know what happens next

• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

• A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

  The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

  The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

  Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

  After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

  The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

  So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

  He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

  He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

  The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

• One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

  Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

  So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

  For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

  Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

• Do you know what is absolutely ridiculous?
  1. In New York if you jump off a building to commit suicide there is a death penalty. They'll revive you and then killed painfully.
  2. It is illegal to die in some places; if you die, you'll be revived, sent to another country and then killed.
  3. You'll kickass this.

• What do constipated people say?
  "I wanna scream and shout, and let it all out"

• Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

• If women think they aren't made to cook, then why do they have eggs and milk inside of them?

• A clown and a little girl walk through a dark forest. The girl says, "I'm scared!" The clown replies, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

• Do you hate it when people change your jokes a little bit then they get all the credit? Kickass this post so much so that we can stop those copy-catting assholes who are too stupid to come up with an awesome joke by themselves. WE WILL GET RID OF COPY CATS IN KICKASS HUMOR. Kickass this to make a change :)

• *Hott Girl's Facebook Status*
  "Bored" -86 Likes -54 Comments
  
  *My status*
  "Just got accepted into Harvard!" -0 Likes -1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

• My girlfriend hates it when i sneak up on her. Well, according to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend.

• Q:what do you call a duck on a wheelchair. A:a handy quack

• I don't always make a New Years Resolution.... But when I do, I make sure to forget about it in a week.

• About to watch The Day After Tomorrow, that should take my mind off the hurricane.

• I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate Hamsters.

• Daughter: Mom, I'm pregnant!
  Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don't, and when he touches you vagina, say stop.
  Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,"don't, stop, don't, stop.

• Mcdonald's will start putting books in their happy meals. I'm gonna assume the first one will be "50 shades of diarrhea"!

• A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
  
  They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
  
  She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

• There once was a guy and he had a beautiful girlfriend named Lorraine. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was smoking hott. They began to like each other. But, he was a loyal man and wouldn't get involved with Clearly as long as he was going out with Lorraine. He attempted to break up with Lorraine several times but he couldn't do it. Then one day Lorraine and him were walking along the river bank. Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing... "I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."

• a milman threw a carton of milk at me how dairy

• Dear Alegbra,
  Please stop asking everyone to find your x. She's not coming back.

• How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.

• Girl:What's the price of this shirt .
  Boy: 5 kisses .
  Girl :What's the price of that dress .
  Boy:10 kisses .
  Girl: pack both of them dad will pay .
  Boy : oh f*ck

• In the mall there were 3 robbers who was being chased by a police. The three robbers found a 3 sacks ,now each of them have a sack, they hid inside the sack and then later the police walks by and saw the 3 sacks,the police kicked the first sack
  the guy in the 1st sack said "woff,woff" the police said Oh! its only a dog,then he kicked the 2nd bag and the 2nd guy said "meow,meow" then the police said Oh! its only a cat,and then finaly the police kicked the 3rd sack and nothing happens he kicked it again and still nothing happens he kicked it for the last time and finally the 3rd guy in the sack said "Fuck You" I'm a potato i'm not suppose to speak.....

• Treat people in wheel chairs like everybody else. Steal the rims.
  

• How do you know when your too drunk to drive?
  When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

• A police officer pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!" The man said, "What little girl?!" The officer aimed his gun and yelled again "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!!" The man now in tears and bawling said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!" The officer smiled and said, "Oh, there's the little girl."

• You want to know what its like to have a fourth kid? Imagine you're drowning, and then someone hands you a baby...

• Before Marriage:
  Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
  Girl: Do you want me to leave?
  Boy: No don't even think about it.
  Girl: Do you love me?
  Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
  Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
  Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
  Girl: Will you kiss me?
  Boy: Every chance I get.
  Girl: Will you hit me?
  Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
  Girl: Can I trust you?
  Boy: Yes.
  Girl: Darling!
  After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

• Hey I just met you
  And this is crazy
  But suck my penis
  there is no maybe.

• A man walks into a bar on the 51st story of the hotel he is staying at. He sits down next to a drunk guy who says; "you know that window over there?" (points to a window across the room) "if you jump out you fly back in.
  "Prove it" the guy says. so the drunk guy dives out the window and flies back in.
  the guy is amazed and immediately jumps out of the window.
  he falls to the ground and dies.
  the barman comes out of the kitchen and says
  "Superman, your a real f*ck-up when your drunk"

• I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year

• Adele: "I set fire to the rain!"
  Spongebob: "LOL, bitch please. I make campfires underwater."

• This story takes place in the Great Depression era.
  A man walks into a bar, he sees a donkey crying in the corner with a bucket of quarters next to him. He walks up to the bartender and asks, '' What's wrong with the donkey? '' The bartender replies, '' He's been crying all week, I can't get him to stop. He's been driving away all of my customers. '' The man looks at the donkey and says, '' Can I be of help? '' The bartender looks up at the man with a very excited face. The bartender says, '' If you could do that, the bucket of quarters is yours! '' The man takes the donkey outside, then comes back in after a minute. The donkey is laughing. The bartender says, '' You did it! The bucket is all yours! '' The man takes the bucket and walks home. A week later the man comes back to the same bar. He sees the donkey laughing again, and another bucket of quarters next to him. He asks the bartender, '' What happened? There's nobody here! '' The bartender says, '' The donkey has been laughing all week, he won't stop. Please, if you could, do your magic again to help him. I need my business. '' The man takes the donkey outside, but this time, an hour passes, and he walks into the bar again. The donkey is crying. The bartender says, '' Incredible! You are truly magical! How on earth do you do it!? '' The man replies, '' Well, the first time I did it, I told him my dick was bigger than his. He started laughing. Then, the second time I proved it to him. ''
  
  

• Me : So I just watched this film where a mans wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
  Friend : uhhhhhh
  Friend : What was it called ?
  Me: Finding Nemo

• Ask this question to someone next time they're drunk or high.
  "On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favorite color in the alphabet?"

• Fortune cookie:You are what you eat.
  Person:Thats funny I dont remember eating a sexy beast today.

• How does Moses make coffee?
  Hebrews it.

• A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
  
  The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

• Are your parents retarded?
  Because your really special.

• Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.

  He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."

  Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"

  Billy shakes his head as YES.

  Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."

  Billy shakes his head YES.

  He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

  When he gets there he askes this guy...

  "Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Casandra / Bone

• Son- Hey mom can I have $15 bucks
  Mom- Does it look like money grows on trees? Son- What is money made out of? Mom- Paper
  Son- What is paper from? Mom- Trees. Son- Exactly.
  

• Old people are so full of shit, its like ...Back in my day I had to army crawl 15 miles, through a mine field, in a snow storm in the middle of summer, with737290968905328907365210997368299 comie basturds on my tail, shootin at me with laser guns, while 15,000 naked robotic ninja midgets simultaneously attacked me with light sabres ......soooo don't tell me you can't get to school on time!

• One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
  
  "What was that for?" cried the husband.
  
  "I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
  
  "Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
  
  Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
  
  "What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
  
  "Your horse called."

• Boy [dials 911]: Help I have an emergency
  Emergency Person: What is it
  Boy:Two girls are fighting over me
  Emergency Person:Thats no problem you are lucky
  Boy:Its an emergency for reals
  Emergency Person:Why
  Boy:because the fat one is winning

• Are all girls claustrophobic? It seems every single one freaks out when they're locked in the trunk of my car.

• How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
  his hand slipped

• If a girl ever pulls a knife out on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.

• Let's all pray that Jamaica isn't the first country to get plagued by the zombie epidemic. Cause the last thing we need is zombies that can run at 100mph.

• What's the worst way to scare a gay person. Scare them straight

• Teacher: "I hope I didn't see you looking at Tim's exam paper."
  Pupil: "I hope you didn't see me either!"

• Two guys are walking down a dark alley when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other, hands him a bill, and says, "Hey, here's that $20 I owe you."

• Don't you hate that moment were Dora ask you "were is the mountain?" And the you say, "Oh i don't know, maybe is that giant rock behind you!"

• While Performing Magic :
  Magician : What Is Your Favorite Card, Girl?
  Girl : Hmmm.... Credit Card, :D

• Fun fact: The person who wrote the "Let it Go" song for the movie Frozen was constipated when he wrote it.

• This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
  years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

  The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
  and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
  doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

  The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
  back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

  Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
  the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

  The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
  laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

  About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
  bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

  She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
  and I didn't listen to you.

  "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

  "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Calong1970

• When it comes to charity, most people will stop at nothing !

• A girl heard her mom yell her name from downstairs, so she got up and started to head down. As she got to the stairs, her mom pulled her into her room and said, "I heard that, too."

• One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man about to jump off. I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"
  
  "Why not?" he said.
  
  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
  
  "Like what?"
  
  "Well... are you religious or not?"
  
  "I am!"
  
  "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
  
  "Christian."
  
  "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
  
  "Protestant."
  
  "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
  
  "Baptist."
  
  "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
  
  "Baptist Church of God."
  
  "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
  
  "Reformed Baptist Church of God."
  
  "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
  
  "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
  
  To this I replied, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
  

• In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

  The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

  The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

  The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

• What's the difference between a hare and a rabbit?
  You can pull a hair out of your arse but not a rabbit

• Remember kids, if a person offers you drugs, you make sure you take it, because drugs are expensive.

• A mysterious hole in the road appeared over night. No one knows how it got there.
  Police are looking into it.

• I tried to convince my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
  ...But she didn't buy it. She's still making fun of me.

• Husband (watching a video):
  Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
  Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
  Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

• Roses are red
  Here's something new,
  Violets are violet,
  Not f*cking blue!

• I hate it when couples have a little fight and then change their Facebook status to "single". I fight with my parents, and don't change my status to "orphan".

• Anybody wanna hangout after I get off work?
  So in other words; who wants to come over, sit on my couch, and play on their phone?

• A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.
  In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
  He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.
  The customer replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."
  

• how do you make the concrete laugh
  you tickle its crack lol

• Roses are nice
  Violets are fine
  I'll be the six
  If you be the nine

• Why I'm single:
  10% I'm average looking
  10% i don't have rich parents who pay for all my stuff
  80% because i treat girls right

• you are so short whemn you smoke weed you cant even get high

• I think the guy who invented ties was trying to commit suicide then he saw himself in the mirror & thought... "Wait, this looks nice."

• Twinkle twinkle little whore
  Your at school not jersey shore
  Your a slutty orange mess
  Please go find a longer dress
  Twinkle twinkle little whore
  Your still a f*cking and still want more

• Funny ways to answer the phone
  1) Johns white house,you got the dough, we got the hoe
  2) Hello Immigration service, you report em' we deport em
  3) Jim's abortion clinic you rape em we scrape em
  4) Westroad sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it
  5) Sawyers sperm bank you jack it we back it
  6) hello children's hospital,you beat em we treat em
  7) chucks disposable dildos fuc em suc em and Chuck em

• A guy was on this website. He clicked a kickass on the joke, and clicked kickass again. It said, "You already voted bro." He thought to himself, "What if girls are on here?"

• I gave my number to this s*xy ass b*tch...
  She said I'll call you when I get home.
  I think that b*tch is homeless

• What do you call a pig that knows karate ? Pork Chop :)

• I hate those couples who have a fight then a few minutes later change their facebook status to "single", I mean I fight with my parents all the time but I don't start saying i'm an orphan!

• Me: "So I was sitting at this restaurant last night"
  Friend: "And"
  Me: "I really needed to pass some gas"
  Friend: "And" Me: "The music was really loud so I did it"
  Friend: "And"
  Me: "I realized I was listening to my iPod"
  Friend: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

• Soldier 1: I cannot feel my legs!
  Soldier 2: That's because you arms have been blow off

• Things I never learned in High School:
  1) how to do taxes
  2) anything to do with banking
  3) how to do loans for college
  4) how to buy a car / house
  5) how to jump start a car
  but I'm so glad I know the f*cking Pythagorean Theorem.

• I must have a great butt, because every time I finish talking to someone and start to walk away. I hear them whisper 'what an ass'

• what comes after 69... mouthwash

• A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

  The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

  Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

  The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

  By Yvette Mejia

• Q.What's a Comedian's Favourite Card?
  A.Joker

• Me; what are the 3 most used in america??
  Friend; I Love You??
  Me; no... Made in China

• FATE is what you call it when you dont know the name of the person that is screwing you over !

• Why do midgets laugh when they run?
  Because the grass tickles their balls.

• So who was the first guy to see an egg come out of a chickens ass and say, "I'm gonna eat that"?

• you're so short when you smoked weed you couldn't get high

• When you are single, all you see are couples. When you are part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

• I like how a you can use a racial joke as a census... 100 kickass votes and 1 lame... We all know who that guy is lol

• *iPhone falls in water*
  Siri: Help I'm drow....
  *Android falls in water*
  Android: ACTIVATING BOAT MODE

• Once upon a time way back in the early days of education when the educators still taught young children proper bathroom hygiene, there was a nun and a young boy. The nun was to teach the boy how to properly pee. She layed out seven steps for making sure that you properly urinated. The steps where as such:
  1.) Undo you pant's zipper.
  2,) Pull out your dingely-ding-dong.
  3.) Pull back your foreskin.
  4.) Urinate.
  5.) Put your foreskin back forward.
  6.) Put away your willy.
  7.) Zip up and leave.
  The nun made sure he did it right the first couple of times and let him alone.
  One day later on she heard a noise come from out of the bathroom and went to investigate. As she got closer, she figured put it was someone saying something. And when she got in front of an occupied stall, she heard clearly what was being said, and who was saying it. It was the little boy. And what was he chanting so vigorously you ask? We the answer is this.
  "Three-five, three-five, three-five, three-five."

• It's great to finally be 16 ... jobs ... cars ... and blowing your money on Girlfriends.

• The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50%... per boob!

• A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

  One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

  The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

  The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

• Three men wait at the gates of heaven on Christmas Eve. They're told they have to present a Christmas gift to get in. The first man checks his pockets and finds pine needles from his family's tree. He's allowed in. The second hands over a bow and some ribbon. He's allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" St. Peter asks him.
  "Oh," the man replies, "they're Carol's."

• *cop pulls me over*
  Cop: Do you realize how fast you were going? me: No..
  Cop: You were like NEEEEEEAWWW!! *Cop runs away with imaginary steering wheel*

• Four Husbands are at the lobby waiting for the nurse to tell them about the babies their wives gave birth to. The nurse walks up to the first man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to twins! The man says: That's odd, because I work at a restaurant called 2 cities. The nurse walks up to the second man and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to triplets! The man says: Thats weird because I work at a factory called 3 continents. The nurse walks up to the third guy and says: Congratulations your wife gave birth to Quadruplets! The man says: Thats very odd, because I work at the four seasons hotel! The fourth man starts crying. One of the men says: What's wrong? The fourth man responds: I work at 7up..

• to do list: 1. dig a hole 2. name it love 3.watch people fell in love

• Me: Have you seen the new movie called constipated?
  Friend: No
  Me: It's because it hasn't come out yet.

• Baby boy: *Gurgling*
  Mother: Aww, you're soo cute I'll give you a kiss
  Dad: Let me as well
  Baby boy: Ha, GAYYYYYY!
  Dad: ...
  Dad: Where did he learn that?

• Boy: Dad, I got expelled from school.
  Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!
  Boy: A kid said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
  Dad: So?
  Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.
  Dad: That's my boy.

• All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:
  
  "I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
  
  "I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
  
  "No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
  
  "I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
  
  "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
  
  All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
  
  What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

• Hmm what if Kickasshumor wasn't just a website for people to write down their joke but a group of comedians stealing our lines.

• Lazy fact #0472728917162739472652
  You were reallylazy to read that number :)

• It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
  
  When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
  
  At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
  
  The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
  
  At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
  
  She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
  
  When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
  
  When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
  
  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
  
  "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
  
  He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
  
  The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

• Why are crippled people always picked on? Because they can't stand up for themselves.

• What did one ocean say to the other?
  Nothing, he just waved.

• Devil: Welcome to Hell... you're trapped here for eternity, burning in the flames fueled by your sins.
  Me: What's your WiFi password?

• what time does michal jackson go to bed
  when the big hand touches the little one ;)

• "No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

  "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

  "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

  "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

  An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

  When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

  "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

  A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

  "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

  "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

  "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

  "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

  "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

  "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

  "How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

  "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":

  "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

  "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

  "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

  "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

  "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

  "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

  "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"

  "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

  "In the dark? Follow the Son."

  "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

  "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

• Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
  A: She fits into your wife's clothes.

• MALE PROCEDURE:
  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Put down your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Put window up.
  7. Drive off.
  
  FEMALE PROCEDURE:
  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
  4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
  5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
  6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
  8. Insert card.
  9. Re-insert card the right way.
  10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  11. Enter PIN.
  12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  13. Enter amount of cash required.
  14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
  15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
  16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
  18. Re-check makeup.
  19. Drive forward 2 feet.
  20. Reverse back to cash machine.
  21. Retrieve card.
  22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
  23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
  24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  25. Redial person on cell phone.
  26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  27. Release Parking Brake.

• keep calm and read kickass humor jokes.

• Can't believe I just ran over a cat. Haha, April Fool's everyone!
  It was a kid.

• I got some Chinese symbols tattooed on my arm that reads, "I don't know, I don't speak Chinese". So when someone asks what it says...

• There is 2 priests in the bathroom together,
  One priest looks over and see's a nicatine patch on hes penis,
  And say's does that really work ?
  The other priest say's yeah im down to 2 buts a day

• A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
  
  After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
  
  The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
  
  The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
  
  Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
  
  The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
  
  The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."

• Why are girls and calculus similar?
  We both don't understand them!!

• Boris Johnson

• I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun. I mean, you don't need running shoes to run but they freckin help.

• Three drunk guys get in a cab and the cab driver notices that they are wasted so he starts the car and then shuts it off to mess with the three of them.
  The First guy says thanks and pays him the second dose the same the third one slaps him. The driver thinks he knows until he shouts WATCH YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME... you nearly killed us!!...
  

• Teacher: You know you cant sleep in my class
  Kid: but maybe if you were a little quieter I would

• If I stole 30 grand from a bank, I would go to jail. But if I were to borrow it, with no intention of paying it back, then I would be a college student.

• Why is there a warning label for nudity? it should say, "Hey! congratulations! there is nudity! But don't forget to lock your door."

• I've been single a while now but i went out last night and took out my ex ,
  ...with a single punch.

• Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

• I don't want you to get mad but I need to tell you something. I don't know how to say it so I'll let the first four words tell you.

• A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
  "Hey, hows it going?"
  Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
  A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
  "What are you up to?"
  Somewhat reluctantly, he replied, "Having a quick shit, what about you?"
  He heard the voice again.
  "Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back. Theres some wise ass in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!!!"

• What's the point in blurring out the middle finger on television? Like, oh you fooled me, what's behind that blur? An umbrella? An elephant?

• Q: How do you stop a fat robber from stealing your TV?
  A: Tell him you don't have the food network on it

• I think McDonald's should be able to turn away customers like a bartender. "Three Big Macs please."
  "Sir, I think you've had enough."

• A girl was crying bitterly.
  Mom: What happened dear?
  Daughter: Mom do I look like a wicked witch?
  Mom: No!
  Daughter: Are my eyes big as toad?
  Mom: No!
  Daughter: Is my nose flat?
  Mom: No baby!
  Daughter: Am I fat like a bulldog?
  Mom: You have a fine physique, you are a barbie doll!
  Daughter: Then why people tell me that you look like your mom?

• Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

  A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

  Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

  Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

  And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

• If time is money, does that mean an ATM is a time machine? I mean, maybe it stands for A Time Machine.

• During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

  The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

  The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

  "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

  The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

  "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

  "Like what?" asked the bartender.

  "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

  The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

  So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

  "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

  The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

  "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

  "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

  With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

  The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

  The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

  The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

  The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

• A little girl walked in on her brother showering and she asked "what is that" he said "this is bob" the next day the boy woke up in the hospital and asked his mom what happened. The mom said ask his sister. She said "I was playing with bob last night he quirted white stuff in my mouth so i choped his head off

• I was playing connect the dots with this kid and he started crying.
  Note to self: a gingers face is not a board game

• I used to smoke pot before class. I walked in 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slunk down at my desk and hoped that nobody asked me any questions.
  I was the best teacher EVER.

• I want to thank Ed Hardy for making the game "Spot the Douchebag" that much easier.

• Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f*ck him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

• Whats faster than a black guy with your TV.
  His brother with your VCR.

• A class goes on school field trip to a museum. A little boy breaks a vase then reads about it's history. He pretend it never happened. The school went on with the field trip until security stopped the boy and confronted him.
  The teacher asks the boy, "Why didn't you tell someone you broke the vase."
  the boy replies, "i didn't think it would matter, it said it was priceless.'

• I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday but then Friday is so close to monday ._.

• Playboy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world?

• A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their b*tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?"
  
  The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
  

• How do you throw a party in space?
  You planet!

• I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

• The only "B" word you should call a woman is beautiful. Bitches love to be called beautiful.

• Whats an epileptics favorite meal?
  Seizure salad.

• What do you call a bear with no teeth?
  A gummy bear !

• A Women Went On Holiday Leaving Her Husband Behind. Before She Left, She Told Him To Take Extra Special Care For Her Pet Cat. As Soon As She Arrived There, She Called Her Husband And Asked If The Cat Was Aright. He Husband Said, "The Cat Just Died!" She Burst Into Tears And Said, "How Could You Be So Blunt? Why Couldn't You Have Broken The News Gradually! Today You Could Have Said It Was Playing On The Roof, Tomorrow You Could Have Said It Fell Off And Had Broken It's Leg. Then On The Third Day, You Could Have Say The Poor Thing Had Passed Away In The Night. You Could Hvae Been More Sensitive About The hole Thing. By The Way, How's The Mother?" He Said, "She's Playing On The Roof!"

• in bed - alarm rings at 6:00 AM. u close your eyes for 5 minutes and its 7:45
  in school - its 1:30 u close ur eyes for 5 minutes and it's 1:31

• Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station.

• There once was a little boy and a teacher, and the teacher said "You better learn your ABC's tonight little kid." So the little kid went home and asked his mom,"Mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" And she said, "Quiet I'm on the phone!" So he went to his sisters room and asked,"Hey sis, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" She said,"Oh yeah!" Wanting to learn more, he went to the his brothers room and asked," Yo bro, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" He said ...BATMAN!
  Then he went outside and asked the garbageman,"What's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" So the garbageman said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE.
  
  The next day he went back to school and the teacher asked the little kid," Did you learn your ABC's yesterday?" And the little kid said,"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So the teacher asked,"Do you want to go to the principal's office young man?!"He said,"Oh yeah!" Off he went to the principal's office and the principal said, "What's your name sir?" The little boy said, ... BATMAN! Then the principal asked," where do you live?" So the little boy said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE!"

• That awkward moment when your toys make 3 movies behind your back.
  -Andy

• An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

• Husband: "Hey honey, I'm just going to go to the shops, be back in 30."
  
  Wife: "Ok, could you get me some... wait. Did you say 30? 30 years ago Micheal Jackson released the album Thriller. Thriller was a hit. You hit a baseball. Baseballs are white. The white crayon never gets used. A crayon is 3.5 inches. There are 12 inches in a foot. A foot has 5 toes, so both feet have a total of 10. Ten rhymes with hen. Hens lay eggs. Eggs are food. Food pyramid. Fruits are on the food pyramid. You like girls that smell fruity. Oh my god. YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!"

• Stages of a beard:
  1.) Sexy
  2.) Stubble
  3.) Sea captain
  4.) Prisoner of war
  5.) Homeless person
  6.) Wizard

• the color red white and blue represents freedom, until it's flashing in the back of your car....

• I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity. I mean, its not like your a giant fucking turtle or anything.

• They say milk gives you strength. Drink 10 glasses of milk and try to move a wall. You cant.
  Drink 10 shots of Vodka and it moves by itself.

• The only B word you should call a girl by is beautiful. Bitches love to be called beautiful.

• Me: How many teeth do cats have
  Friend: I don't know
  Me: How many feet do chickens have
  Friend: Two
  Me: Looks like you know more about cock more than pussy
  Friend: Fuck you ????

• *gets caught masturbating*
  Mom: Is this what you do on Saturday nights!? You masturbate??
  Me: No! I do it everyday :)

• how do you make a killed stickman with a keyboard?
  thats how....
  >-IO

• Who would win in a fight,The Hulk,Or Thing
  Kickass for Hulk
  Lame for Thing

• girl:hey bae i love u
  boy:what happend whats wronng
  girl: nothing i just had sex with your best freind
  boy: its ok were even now
  girl:what
  

• There's a French guy, an Italian guy, an Brit gentleman and a Croatian guy.
  The French guy flies to Paris. On his way, he drops a croissant.
  Then at Paris airport he sees a kid crying. He asks
  "Why are you crying?"
  The kid replies "Someone dropped a croisssant on my head!"
  
  Next the Italian guy flies to Rome. On the way down he drops a pizza.
  At Roma airport he sees a kid crying.
  He asks "Why are you crying?" The kid replies
  "Someone dropped a pizza on my head!"
  
  Then the Brit guy flies to London.
  On the way he drops a plate of fish and chips.
  Then at London Heathrow airport he sees a kid crying.
  He asks "Why are you crying?"
  The boy replies "Someone dropped a plate of fish and chips on my head!"
  
  Finally the Croatian guy flies to Zagreb.
  On the way he drops a bomb
  In town he sees a kid laughing, next to a destroyed school.
  The guy asks"Why are you laughing?"
  The kid replies " I farted and the whole school exploded!

• I'm first world poor. Which means I own a smart phone and a expensive laptop so I can go online and check that I have no money in the bank.

• DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.
  You little rebel, I like you.

• Little Johnny was playing outside with his toy planes and figurines.
  His mom was watching him, he was saying things as he was playing
  He said, "all you motherf*ckers wanna get on, get on and all you motherf*ckers wanna get off, get off"
  Johnny's mom heard all of what he just said and told him to go to his room for three hours. After three hours was up he went back outside with his planes he was saying things again, his mom was watching again
  He said, "all of you nice people want to get on, get on and all of you nice people want to get off, get off and all of you motherf*ckers complaining about the three hour time delay, speak to the b*tch in the kitchen!

• A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.

  "Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.

  "For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.

  "I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."

  The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.

  The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

  The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"

  Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."

  The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

• There was a old man and a teenager at a bar , the old man said to the teenager .I bet you I can drink 2 beers before you can drink 2 shooters and any shooters you pick. And the old man bet $200 for the teenager and the teenager puts $200 also,but the old man said but there is a catch "We are not allowed to touch each other glasses " and the teenager agree .The old man ask can he drink his first beer and then they can begin,the boy know his going to win because is two shots glasses and say go ahead , as the old man finish his first beer he put the glass upside down on the one shooter glass and said let us Begin.

• Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

• Most commen lies ever told:
  "I didn't do it"
  "I'm fine"
  "I have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions"

• I'm going to open a gym called 'Resolutions'. For the first two weeks of the year it's a gym, the rest of the time it's a bar.

• .....guy gets pulled over by a cop
  cop;sir,do you know how fast you were goin?
  man:no
  cop:well you were goin 86 mph.
  man:LIKE A BOSS,BITCH
  .....drives off

• a woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really lookind rough. the doc says, "what happened?" the woman replies, "everytime my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home." the doc thinks for a minute and says, "I have a remedy for that... the next time your husband comes home drunk on beer just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed." the woman goes home. two weeks later she returns to her doctor. the doc says, "you look great, did you try my advice?" the woman replies, "yes i did, but how did you know it would work?" he tells her "see what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?"

• Son: Dad, whats it like to have a handsome son???
  Dad: i dont know, ask your grandpa.(the dads dad)

• Many video games have the warnings 'Blood' 'Crude Language' and 'Violence'... just like a girl on period.

• Just tried to kill a spider with some Axe Body Spray but it survived and is now trying to make inappropriate sexual advances towards me.

• Me: wanna hear a joke?
  Boy: sure!!
  Me: your awesome

• Women who brag about multi-tasking should calm down. There's nothing cool about doing 2 things wrong at once.

• I'm so deep in the friend zone that she sends me nudes for approval before they go out to other guys.

• A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

  The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

  The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

  Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

  After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

  The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

  So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

  He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

  He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

  The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

• Exercise
  ...Ex...Er...Cise...
  ...Ex...Ar..Size
  ...Eggs...Ar...Sides...
  For Bacon..
  BACOOOOOOOOON.

• There was a white guy, a Mexican guy, and a black guy. All three of them bring something from their country that they have too much of. All three of them climb the Eiffel tower. The Mexican brings tacos and says, "We have to many of these in our country and throws the tacos off the Eiffel Tower". Next, the black guy brings weed and says, "We have to much of this in our country and throws them off the tower." Next, the white guy pushes the Mexican and the black guy off the Eiffel tower and says, "We have to many of those in our country."

• A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

  "What?" said the puzzled groom.

  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

  "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

  Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

  Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

  Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

  Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

  Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

  Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

  Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

  Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

  Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

  "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

  "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

• cop pulls me over and tells me papers please and i said siccors i win and i drove off

• This one time three men, a French guy, an Italian guy and a Mexican where on a budget airline flight. So budget in fact that the plane doesn't land at their destination, they must jump.

  Two hours into the flight the French guy was tired of waiting, so he stuck out his hand to see where he was, "Were in France" he yelled, "I can feel the Eifel Tower" and he jumped home.

  Three hours after that the Italian guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "Yeah, We're in Rome, I touched the Collisium!" and he exited the plane.

  Another few hours later the Mexican guy stuck his hand out the window and said, "At last, I must be in Mexico, because someone's just stole my watch"

• Boss:Where were you born? Sardar:India... Boss:Which part? Sardar:What'which part'?Whole body was born in India.

• me: dad, can I have some money for some coke?
  dad: yeah sure. is $300 enough? it was expensive in my day
  me: the drink, dad...
  dad:......right.

• Bob the builder broke up with his girlfriend. He couldn't fix it.

• Where does the one legged waitress work? The Ihop
  

• Two guys are chatting at the bar.
  "So, how was your holiday in Africa?" asks one.
  "Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"
  "Go on, what happened?" he asks.
  "Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as it was about to pounce for the kill it suddenly slipped and broke its leg."
  "Jesus Christ, I would have shit myself!" he replies. ......"What the fuck do you think the lion slipped on?"

• That moment when you're taking a test and you want everyone to know you're ahead so you flip the page as loud as possible.

• Boy: The principal is so dumb!
  Girl: Do you know who I am?
  Boy: No...
  Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
  Boy: Do you know who I am?
  Girl: No...
  Boy: Good! *walks away*

• What did the apple skin say to the apple?
  I've got you covered

• A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
  
  The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
  
  They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
  
  At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
  
  The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
  
  The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"

• Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

• Help stop racism with one KICKASS at a time.....THANK YOU for your patronage.....

• At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

  The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

  "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

  "Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

• on 2010 , a real ufo caught in china ... they were showing it live ... .
  .
  .
  .
  me: on the bottom of the flying object it was written "made in china" !

• You know you wont grow up if you are still trying to balance the switch between on and off

• Me: What's up?
  Friend: Nothing
  Me: So you're in a blank ripple of time that consists of absolutely nothing and has no real matter or density?
  Friend: Yep

• "Hey Nasa, your mom thought I was big enough."
  -Pluto

• Got drunk and did my taxes. I'm getting back a million dollars, 2 slaves and somehow the state of Georgia. This can't be right...

• Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
  The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
  Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
  Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
  Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
  Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
  Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
  Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
  Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
  Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
  Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
  

• Three things I will never understand:
  1. The meaning of life.
  2. The universe.
  3. How Spongebob and Patrick made those sound effects in that box

• A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

  RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

  1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
  2) WON'T RUN AWAY
  3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

  For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

  Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

  Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

  "Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

  "Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

  To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

• - You answer the door before people knock.
  - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  - You ski uphill.
  - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  - You lick your coffeepot clean.
  - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
  - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  - You chew on other people's fingernails.
  - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
  - You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
  - You can jump-start your car without cables.
  - Cocaine is a downer.
  - You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
  - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  - You don't sweat, you percolate.
  - You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
  - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
  - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  - People get dizzy just watching you.
  - You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  - Instant coffee takes too long.
  - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
  - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
  - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  - You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
  - You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  - You short out motion detectors.
  - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
  - You don't tan, you roast.
  - You can't even remember your second cup.
  - You help your dog chase its tail.

• "Gimme food, gimme fries, give me gravy on the side... OOOHHHH YEA-HHH!"
  - FATALLICA

• Being an ugly woman is like being a man, your gonna have to work.

• Today is International Woman's Day. It was suppose to be yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

• Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson were going camping. They Pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well if there are millions of stars, and even a few of those have planets, It's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said "Watson, you idiot, It means someone stole our tent"

• I'm thinking about dumping my girlfriend, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
  In a lake is probably the easiest.

• Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties.

• Hey my dick just died. Do you mind if i bury it in your ass?

• What do you call a multiracial gay person?
  Mixed Fruit!

• My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

• There were 3 man. Their names were stupid, nobody, and no one. On day the men called nobody was drowning in a pool and the men called no one was trying to help him. So the men called stupid said to a police officer, "Sir, nobody is drowning and nobody and no one is helping him." Then the police officer said "Are you stupid?" And the men responded, "Yes i am."

• This dudes walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunk. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him. "Aye you!" he shouts ."I've shagged your mom!!" The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings. Half an hour later the drunk stands up and renews his abuse. "Aye you!" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mom up the ass!" The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with his friends although by now visibly irate. Half a hour later the drunk pipes up once again. "Aye you, your mom sucked my dick!!" By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and retorts, "For god sake Dad go home, you're embarassing me!"

• A blonde told his friend:
  Some guy figured out my password. Now I need to rename my dog.

• Many are called, but it's only few that has airtime to call back. #Hiba

• Dad: ”Excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and this is clearly a peanut butter and jelly”
  Mom: ”Did you just call me waitress?”

• if I get 5 kickass i will kikll them
  

• When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards.

• If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
  * You only get laid once.
  * You only get eaten once.
  * It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
  * You share your box with 11 other guys.
  * But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

  So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!

  Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day.

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Angelo S.

• My wife ran off with my best friend and man I sure miss him.

• If I make you breakfast in bed, A simple' Thank you' is all I need. Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' Nonsence.

• what do you call an owl magision
  HOODINI

• Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

• Walmart Logic...
  Lets put in 30 cash registers and only keep 3 open!

• Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
  Patient: "Go with the good news first."
  Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."
  Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"
  Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."

• Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

  The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

  At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

  He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

• The clear history button in your browser has saved more lives than Superman.

• Earlier today in court
  Judge: State your name.
  Me: Not Guilty
  Judge: What?
  Me: I had it legally changed.
  Judge: You're Not Guilty?
  Me: *moonwalks outta there*

• kickass this if you think there should be a section where you can see where your jokes are instead of browsing to see if it's been accepted

• An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

  He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

  "Notice anything?", He said.

  "All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.

  "Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

  "Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Donybee

• What type of Bee's make milk instead of honey? BOO-BEE'S

• mom - "Let me see your laptop for a minute"
  me - throws laptop out the window. "WHAT PORN!?"

• I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
  Jehovah's fitness.

• An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

  The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

  On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Dan

• So one day a man posted me an email it read "Wanna know how to get one million dollars? Well pay 5 dollars to find out!" So I did, and he wrote me an email saying "That's how you do it." TRUE STORY

• Q: What do you call a dog on the beach?
  A: A hot dog.

• Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

  Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

  Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

  With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

  "Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.

  Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

• When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared.
  Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words:
  FUCK YOU THUNDER, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!
  You can’t get me thunder, cause you’re just God’s farts.

• Okay, so theres a statue and he's been a statue for years then a magical pigeon swoops down where the statue is and says, "since you have been a good statue so i'm going to grant you life". So the pigeon swirls his little wand and the statue becomes alive. The statue is like, "Oh my gosh i'm alive!" The first thing he does is throw the pigron on the ground and he shits on it and says, "how do you like it?"

• Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
  Accidents in the backseat can cause children.

• World war 2 could have been prevented, if only someone had given Hitler a snickers
  

• My dad said if I get 100 Kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

• What has a bunch of teeth and holds back a monster?
  My zipper.

• Annoying dude: There should be a warning on my dick! Chocking hazard!
  Me:Isn't that a label they put on small objects?

• Why is 6 afraid of 7?
  Because 7 is a registered six offender.

• My daughter woke up this morning and one of her four hamsters had died.
  "Dad, I want another one just like it," she said.
  "Are you sure?" I asked.
  "Yes," she replied.
  So I reached into the cage, pulled out a second hamster and threw it hard against the wall.

• - Gamer poem -
  "Mario is red,
  Sonic is blue,
  Why don't you hit select and be my player two?"

• Whats the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?
  The refrigerator doesnt fart when you take the meat out

• It doesn't matter if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or how to raise a family. At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!
  

• The beer diet is not very good for losing weight... However, if you wanna lose a wallet, phone or girlfriend... it's perfect!

• Don't judge abook by it's cover...
  My math book has a picture of someone enjoying themself.

• Why was the students report card all wet? Because it was below C (sea) level.

• 5 yr old Son: Mommy how much am I worth to you in money?
  Mother: 9999999999$ Times infinity and BEYOND!!
  5 yr old Son: Then can I have 5 dollars of that :))))
  Mother:..............

• Don't break another person's heart, they only have one.
  Break their bones. They have 206

• Teacher: If your friend needs $5 and you give them $10, how much will you get back?
  Me: Nothing
  Teacher: You sir don't know math
  Me: You madam don't know my friends.

• My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

• One day a cowboy was traveling through the desert when he stumbled across an Indian buried in the sand from the neck down.

  Confused, the cowboy asked, "What the hell are you doing?".

  The Indian says," Telling time" Then suddenly his penis jumps out of the sand and the Indian says, "It's 12:00"

  Amazed, the coyboy checks his pocket watch and conferms what the Indian said.

  Later on, the cowboy stumbles upon another Indian in the sand, but this one was stroking his penis very rapidly. The cowboy looked down and said, "What the hell are you doing?"

  The Indian looked up and shouted, "I'm winding my watch!".

  by Jonathan Montgomery

• Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

  "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

  The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

  The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

  There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

  The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

• Wood it be weird to make a tree joke?
  Or should I leaf it alone?

• That moment when you did not hear what your mom said so you respond with a "sure'" and then your stuck cleaning the toilet for the rest of the month

• It's okay Emo kids; Pokemon hurt themselves in their confusion too.

• "You know, Nickelback is a really amazing band. The music is really deep & versatile & I really respect them." Said No one ever

• Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
  
  He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

• During a test people look up for inspiration, down for depression, and left and right for information.

• 'Hey Dad, do you know any jokes?'
  'Sure Son, go ask your mother what she does for a living'

• What do Snooki and Hurricane Sandy have in common? They will blow the entire east coast to get on TV.

• Why was the tomato so slow? Because it couldn't ketchup.

• My son asked me a good question, "why are we slaves to the sniff after the scratch? "
  I've been asking the same thing.

• Man: Hey hitler.
  Hitler: Vat?
  Man: I think you lost something.
  Hitler: Vat?
  Man: World war 2!! LOL!!

• Wee Hughie was dying.

  Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, "Anything I can get you, Hughie?"

  "No" He replied.

  "You must have a last wish, Hughie?" asked his wife.

  Faintly, came the answer. . . "A wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder would be nice"

  "Ach, man... you can't have that" said Maggie, "You know it's for the your funeral".
  

• 1. Change last name to Crunch.
  2. Join the military.
  3. Work my way up to Captain.
  4. Become Captain Crunch.

• Coach: Okay class, today we are going to play a game. When I say a fruit, you run to the right side of the court. And when I say a color, you run to the left side of the court. got it?
  Class: Got it.
  Coach: Okay... Ready, set... ORANGE!

• So I went to Suicide Bombing Class and the teacher said, "Okay now pay attention! I'm gonna do this once!"

• Thieves broke into the local movie theater and stole $240.
  They took a bag of popcorn and a large drink.

• "Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard

• A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

• I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same thing. I said to him, "I just did that." So, he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

• Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
  The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
  Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.". By -arthur

• What concert costs 45 cents?
  50 cent featuring nickelback

• In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

  To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

  "Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

  Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

  "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

  Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

• My Ex Girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

• A woman at work is gonna have a baby... I just haven't decided which one."

• Swag is for boys.
  Style is for men.
  Class is for gentlemen.
  But TRIX are for kids.

• Me in the mornings: ok I'll get out of bed in 10 seconds 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9...
  

• Boy: You like bad boys, right?
  Girl: Yeah.
  Boy: Well, I don't mean to brag or anything, but I went on DisneyChannel.com without my parents permission!
  Girl: *Sarcastic* Wow, whatta bad boy, what's next, not doing your homework on purpose?
  Boy: Hold on, girl, I'm getting there.

• Today is no joke, #PrayForParis,

• Don't break hearts there's only one.
  So break there bones there's 206

• Guy: FAIL!!!
  Other Guy: No one wants to hear about your life

• me - hey mom can i have $20?
  mom - what do u think im made of money?
  me - isnt that what mom stands for?
  M.O.M (made of money)

• Remember, suicide is never the answer... unless someone asks "Hey, what is that called when you kill yourself?" Then yes, it is the answer.

• Do you think they called the 'Saw' films saw so that people would say:
  "Did you see Saw?"
  "Yeah I saw Saw."
  "Did you see Saw 2?"
  "I saw Saw 2 too"
  "Did you see Saw 3?"
  "No but I saw Saw 4"
  "Why would you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for?"

• Things to do:
  1. Change ipod name to 'titanic'
  2. *titanic is syncing* press cancel
  3. feel like a hero
  4. fuck bitches.

• Whiskey will turn you into Cinderella. You'll leave the house looking all fly and spend the night dancing away. But by the end of the night you're just a hot mess missing her shoe.

• Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
  Caller: Help! My wife is in labor and I don't know what to do!
  Operator: Is this her firstborn?
  Caller: No, this is her husband.

• you: your abcdefghijk
  girl: whats that?
  you: adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fascinating, gorgeous, and hot
  girl: aww thanks, but what's ijk?
  guy: im just kidding

• There were a few ducks in the park blowing bubbles, and a police officer gave them a ticket. They went to court and the first duck went in to see the judge. The judge asks, "What is ur name and why are you here?" The duck said, "My name is quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in a park." The judge said, "That's not a crime, ur free to leave. please send the next duck in." So the next duck comes in and the judge asks, "What is ur name and why are you here?" The duck says "My name is quack quack quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the park." The judge replied, "That's not a crime ur free to go. Please send the next duck in." So the third duck comes in and the judge says, "Let me guess ur name is quack quack quack and ur here for blowing bubbles I'm the park?" The duck says "No, my name is bubbles."

• Today, i was watching the jersey shore. I realized they are not bros, they are just douchebags

• student: may i use the bathroom?
  Teacher: as long as you can recite the alphabet.
  Student: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
  Teacher: wheres the p?
  Student: running down my leg.

• After reading this, you'll realize the the brain doesn't recognize the second "the".

• A mother has 3 sons. The youngest son comes up to her and asks her "Mom, why was I named Raindrop?" And the mom answers "Because the first thing that fell on your head when we came out of the hospital was a raindrop." Then the second son comes and asks her "Mom, why was I named Lemon?" And the mother says "Because the first thing that fell on you when we came out of the hospital was a lemon." Then the oldest son came over and said "PFFSH BWAHHH!" And the mother said "Shut Up Cinderblock."

• Whats an astronauts favorite food? lauchmeat.

• Jesus May Have Walked on Water... But Stephen Halking Runs on Batteries

• my teacher told me that only 45% of whale sperm goes in the ocean
  me: is that why the ocean is so salty?

• No one is born a virgin. Because as soon as you're born , the government has f*cked you already.

• I killed a vampire on Halloween this year... or a kid.
  Either way, the wooden stake worked.

• I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
  
  Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
  
  As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
  
  He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
  
  I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
  
  What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
  Joseph grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
  
  "No", I replied.
  
  "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
  
  So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
  
  I used to like that little boy.
  

• I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
  With any luck, right after he finishes college.

• I rode a jeep, and I saw 2 people, boy and girl. The girl starts to play with the boy with kissing. The two won't stop kissing at each other until the girl put out her bra and showed her boobs. And the boy sucked it! The girl is young, she is 19 to 22 years old and the boy is 7 months.

• Bro: lol was I that drunk ? Me: well you dug up my mom's garden, because and I quote 'f*ck FarmVille'

• Congratulations!
  By reading this you've won a lifetime supply of air. Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

• Robber: I'm a robber! Give me all your money!
  Guy: No!
  Robber: I have a knife!!
  Guy: Do you?
  Robber: *Looks at his pocket* Where the hell's my knife?
  Guy: *Holding knife* Who's the robber now?

• Dobt you ever wonder who discovered milk? Like theres some guy, finds a cow, pulls on his giant ass utters, found some white liquid, what do you expect "oh im gonna drink this" hey look at me i discovered milk. My reaction would be like: dafuq?

• What if you started making car alarm noises every time someone you don't like touched you?
  

• Mom : come spend time with the family .
  Me : *goes and sits with family*
  Me : *gets insulted by everyone*
  Me : *goes back to room*

• Every Girl Wants A Guy
  Who Hugs Her When They're Watching A Scary Or Romantic Movie,
  Who Gives Her His Jacket Even When He Himself Is Feeling Cold,
  Who Will Always Be The One To Make Her Laugh,
  Most Importantly He Will Love Her For Who She Is !
  
  That Guy Is What Google Calls "No Result Found!" :D

• Funny how I see some really clever jokes on here with a lot of lame ratings yet stupid roses are red jokes get a bunch of kickass votes. This site must get a lot of kids on it

• Whenever I dump a Japanese girl, they act like everything is fine...
  It's like I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

• What's a Mexican's favourite fragrance?
  Taco Rabanne

• I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

• Guy: Your so fat your mum thought she was having twins, instead it was you

• How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.

• I met this attractive woman at a bar and asked her what she did for a living. She told me she was a brain surgeon and I was impressed because most women can't pull off sarcasm.

• Four rich friends were hanging out on a restaurant when one of them recieved a phone call and had to leave for a time. Meanwhile, the other three were discussing about their son's career. The first one said: My son is an architect, and he designed many big and expensive mansions. He's so rich he gave his girlfriend a mansion aswell. The second one said: That's nothing! My son is an engineer, and he designed many supercars and sportcars. He is so rich he gave a Ferrari to his girlfriend. The third one said: Those are weak! My son designs yatchs. They are very, very expensive and many celebrities bought yatchs from him.He is so rich he gave his girlfriend a yatch.
  After the argument, the fourth friend came back. The three who where in the restaurant asked him: And what about your son?
  he replied: my son? He is gay. He had his sex changed...
  Everyone was shocked when he said that.
  I know...But he, or she's not that going that bad. He just won a mansion, a Ferrari and a yatch!

• A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
  
  Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

• There are three people named “Poop, Manners, and Shut Up."
  
  One day, Poop fell out the window and Manners went out the window to pick him up. While Manners was going to help Poop, he told Shut Up to get the police. So that is what Shut Up did. When the police arrived, they asked, “What is your name?" And Shut Up replies with “Shut Up." Then the police ask again, “What is your name?" “Shut Up." “What is your name?" “Shut Up." And then the police ask, “Excuse me, where are your manners?" And then Shut Up says, “Oh, Manners? Manners is over there picking up Poop."

• I think that Mario Kart's Rainbow Road is just training kids for drunk driving later in life.

• Granddad: how old are you?
  Me: ....13.
  Granddad: when I was your age I was 13
  Me: -___-

• My girlfriend said to me, "Look at me, I'm getting fat"
  I told her "Don't be silly... You've always been fat."

• Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
  "What's wrong with you?"
  Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
  God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
  He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes.
  She will always agree with every decision you make.
  She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the night to take care of them.
  She will not nag, and will be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
  She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
  Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
  God said, "An arm and a leg."
  Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
  The rest is history.

• What was Forrest Gump's password?
  1Forest1.

• -Dude that party was wicked
  -You were drunk outta your mind
  -I was not drunk
  -Dude you were cutting pine-apples yelling "SpongeBob I know your in there"

• Cocky Kid: I have the body of a God!
  Average Kid: Yeah; shame it's Buddha.

• Me: Dad can I have a dog?
  Dad: A cat!? What the hell you want a hamster for? A goldfish is more than enough. Here's a collar, put it on your sister

• My girlfriend isn't allowed to have candles on her birthday cake. What you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.

• World'd shortest joke: There was two women sitting quietly.

• If sperm comes from balls, and sperm goes in a egg, technically ball is life!
  

• Dear ketchup bottle,
  Stop farting all over my fries, they don't taste as good.
  Thanks.

• One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go f*ck yourself.

• Why dont women wear watches?
  There's a clock on the stove.

• what does fiat stand for? Fix It Again Tony.

• This guy : Are you guys straight?
  Other friend : No their horizontal ;p
  My friend and I : HORIZONTAL IS STRAIGHT IDIOT.

• Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby)
  Husband: wait until he cries.
  Wife: why??
  Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!

• How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black

• "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
  Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me.

• I know 10 facts about yah
  Part1: You are obviously reading this (stay with me)
  Part2: Trust me, you can't say "m" Without touching your lips!
  Part3: You tried it.
  Part4: You are smiling
  Part6: You are smiling or laughing again!
  part7: Ha you didn't notice I missed fact 5!
  Part8: Ya checked it.
  Part9: Now your smiling again!
  PArt10: Now you are going to like or comment!

• son: I got an ipad
  daughter: I got an ipod
  mom: I got an iphone
  dad:.....Ipaid

• Me: I wasn't that drunk..
  Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself!
  Me: ...and...
  Myself: ...and you still are.

• My boss asked me to start a presentation with a joke. I attached payslip on the first slide...

• Friend 1: Dude why didn't you buy her the more expensive ring?
  Friend 2: You don't throw a master ball at a metapod...
  (Only Pokemon fans get this)

• I wonder if Meteorologist argue about whose has the biggest Doppler?

• What if Gangnam Style is actually just a giant rain dance and we brought this hurricane on ourselves?

• Don’t you hate it when you’re typing something and you’re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were titties.

• Dad: son i want u 2 marry a girl of my choice.
  Son: NO!
  Dad: the girl is bill gates daughter
  Son: then OK
  Dad goes to bill gates
  Dad: i want your daughter 2 marry my son
  Bill gates: No
  Dad:My son is the CEO of the world bank
  Bill gates: then OK
  Dad goes to the president of the world bank
  Dad: Appoint my son the CEO of the world bank
  President: No
  Dad: he is the son-in-law of Bill gates
  President: then OK
  THIS IS BUSINESS

• once a man walked into a bar with his dog. The bartender freaks out and says "you can't bring that mutt in here! It'll make a mess" so the man says "ok i'll make you a deal : if the dog can talk can he stay ?" the barttender starts to laugh "sure, deal." so the man points up and says "what's that ?" the dog replied "rrooff" well done says the man. he walks to a small tree growing by the window and peels something off it "what's this ?" "bark!" says the dog "that doesn't count !" says the barman "he spoke didn't he ?" so the bartender stamps away then the dog said "i wonder what's his problem

• Bill: you wanna here a joke?
  John: yeah
  Bill: life

• A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
  So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
  The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
  So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
  One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
  The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
  The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
  ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
  ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
  ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
  The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
  When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
  The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
  The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

• Roses are red Violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you But the Roses are wilting and the Violets are dead the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head

• A man had come back from his hunting trip in Africa. He Gloats to his friend about the Giant, silver back Gorilla he had spent the whole time tracking.
  "All I had on me to kill it was my lucky Cricket Bat, my Hunting Rifle with only one bullet, and my two Hunting Knives" explained the man.
  "Did you kill it in the end?" asked his friend.
  "Sure did" Grinned the man. "It was quite tricky, but I did"
  "How so?" said the friend.
  "Well" he explained, "when I had finally found the beast, I first attempted to knock it out with my bat, but the brute snatched it out my hand, pushed me aside, and snapped it half. Angry at loss of my lucky bat, I preceded to load my one bullet into my rifle and fired at the animal, but the swift git was quick enough to dodge it. I was furious at this point, I threw my gun the floor, and in my rage I took out both of my knives and threw them at him, but the cheeky bastard managed to catch both of them in mid air"
  This left the friend confused, so he finally asked the man "had did you manage to kill it then?"
  "Well you see" explained the man "after it had caught my knives, it started to beat it's chests shouting AaaaaAAaaaaAAaaAAaaaa!"

• My new girlfriend got me into religion.
  Before we met I didnt believe in hell.

• I hate it when people see you at the supermarket and they ask you,"What are you doing here?"
  And im just like,"Oh you know just hunting elephants."

• My daughter was asking if we needed a cat in order to be more religious, "why a cat?" i asked.
  She replied "because daddy, the pope is a cat-holic".

• Don't worry, shit happens. I mean, look at you!

• Men at 26 plays football,
  Men at 40 plays tennis,
  Men at 60 plays golf,
  have you noticed every time you get older
  your ball gets smaller

• Boy - (Playing Xbox)
  Girl - (Sitting on the bed pouting)
  Boy - Whats wrong babe?
  Girl - Oh nothing,
  Boy - (Turns off Xbox)
  Girl - (Girl starts to smile) Why did you stop?
  Boy - Because babe... I wanna play Playstation now
  Girl - ......... -__-

• Student - "Can I go to the bathroom?"
  Teacher - "Not right now, we are in the middle of class"
  Student - "But I'm on my period."
  Teacher - "Mark, that didn't work yesterday, its not going to today."

• I hate it when people come in my house and say hey do you have a bathroom?NO we shit in the sink

• An old woman walked into an antique store and looked at a diamond necklace in a glass cabinet. Suddenly, she let out a fart. She coughed, trying to disguise it, because a shop assistant was walking by. She then called the assistant over and asked how much the necklace was.
  
  
  The assistant replied, "If you just farted looking at it you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

• A Sergeant Major stands before one of his corporals and says
  " I didn't see you at camouflage class last night corporal Jones"
  " Thank you sir " replied the corporal

• A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"
  The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
  
  Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?" The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
  
  The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
  
  The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

• ''6 bucks for 1 question !'' said the fortune teller to the client.
  '' That's really expensive, isn't it ?''
  '' Next please !''

• My doctor told me that i needed to watch my drinking, now i drink in front of a mirror

• Dear Algebra,
  Please stop making us find your X.
  And we don't know Y either.
  Sincerely,
  High School Students

• (two friends text eachother a day after a party..)
  FRIEND: Dude, you were sooo drunk last night!!!
  ME: No, i was not!!!
  FRIEND:: SERIOUSLY?! You climbed on top of a red and blue pick-up truck and whispered to it "Optimus Prime... I know your secret" xD hahah crack up!!
  ME: Oh geez, did i do that?
  FRIEND: Yep
  ME: -_-

• I was walking past an ATM, and I saw and old lady. She said "Kind sir may you please help me check my balance". I said sure, so I pushed here over. Her balance was terrible.

• Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

  Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

  "How much?" asked Paddy.

  "Three quid." replied the salesperson.

  "Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

  He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

  The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

• Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?!
  Nobody, BP killed them all.

• Roses are red,
  Violets are blue,
  I just wasted a
  dollar on you

• What does women's underwear and nail polish have in common? They both come off with alcohol.

• Sargent: Soon you'll be home with your families. In a jar. On the mantelpiece

• It's funny how the colors red, white aND blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car. Kickass this if it made you laugh.

• Aww my 2 month year old boy, you know, he is the reason I get up i the morning... ..16 times.
  

• The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

  Has to work hard
  Has to work at great depths
  Has to work upside down
  Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
  Has to work in a high humidity environment
  Has to work at high temperatures
  Does not get weekends and holidays off
  Does not get time off after extra hours of work
  Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

  Request denied for the following reasons:

  Does not work 8 hours in a row
  Does not answer immediately to all requests
  After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
  Shows no fidelity to the workplace
  Retires too early
  Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
  Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
  Sometimes leaves work, too early

• There are two brothers, a younger one and an older one. They are both trouble makers and when anything bad happens in their neighbourhood they get the blame for it.
  The mum got so annoyed when she heard about a man who made prisoners good she sent her sons to him, one at a time.
  The younger one went to his house first. The man said "where is god". The little boy didn't answer so he said it louder "where is god" the boy started to cry and whimper in his chair. The man said it a lot lot louder, practically shouting it.
  The boy was then found by his older brother hiding in his closet. The older brother said " what did he do to you?"
  The little brother replied "gods gone missing and they think we've done it!"

• What is a trees favorite drink?
  Root beer!

• You mean so much to me... If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you a bunch and think of you often.

• Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
  Carry on.

• What do you call it when a prisoner has to pay for a self taken photo ? A CellFee.

• roses are red
  grass is greener
  when I think of you
  I play with my wiener

• Me: Can i borrow 5 dollars grandpa?
  Grandpa: 10 dollars? What do u need 200 dollars for? 5 grand should be enough. Heres my boat and dont tell ur father ;)

• * Gangnam Style Remix *
  BROKEN CONDOM STYLE!
  Ayyyyyyy that's your baby!
  Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!

• Me: Is there a problem officer?
  Cop: You were swerving alot back there
  Me: Well I had 8 beers officer
  Cop: Thats no excuse to let your wife drive

• Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
  Because they were trans-parents!

• A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

  She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

  The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

  "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

  The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

• There is no wongs in the phone book in China why? Because they might wing the Wong number

• A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

• 1. Find a small child
  2. Name him bitches
  3. Fuck Bitches
  Wait No...

• Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man's life. Scoring and Ball Security.

• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

• i just got grounded heres hat happened me and my mom got into a fight and she said son of a b*tch and i said hell yeah i am kickass if you get it

• what kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
  Boobies

• They should rename Hurricane Sandy to the Jets, then it would never touchdown.

• I hate teachers who give homework over break. Like do you not understand what a break is? Do you want me to demonstrate on your neck?

• The weather outside is frightful...
  And no work sounds so delightful...
  And because I don't want to go...
  Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!

• A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

  The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

  Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

  The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

  By Yvette Mejia

• The longest nose is 11 inches because if it were 12 it would be a foot! :D

• How we wake up I'm the morning:
  Brain: "Oh f*ck."
  Body: "Don't get up."
  Dick: "THIS IS SPARTAA!!!"

• Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
  *Nobody stands up*
  Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
  *Little Johnny stands up*
  Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
  Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

• if deaf children communicate with sign language what language do they think in

• (I work at a Russian-owned coffee shop. One day, I return from a smoke break and the phone rings; the owner answers.)
  Owner: Allo? Da… Da… Nyet… Nyet… Da… NYET! Goodbye!
  (The owner then walks over to me and tells me the following…)
  Owner: Customer call. He says you smoke outside of shop. He doesn’t like it. If he says anything to you, you look at him and you say, ‘F*** YOU!’

• Boy : Hey babe, you're the sun of my life!
  Girl : That's so sweeeeet!
  Boy : Now stay 149 597 871 KM AWAY FROM ME!

• A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

• A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens...

  He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!!

  Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

  The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

• What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
  Roberto

• There were a mom and a boy driving to the mall. Then the boy saw a man walking ahead. Then the boy asked: Shall we drive over him?
  Then the mom answered silly: Ha yes!
  BOM!
  The mom looked shocked at the boy and asked: What was that?!
  Then the boy answered:Well, I saw that you were about to miss, so I took him with the car door.

• In an effort to defeat Superman, I've joined a Los Angeles street gang. Superman won't stand a chance once I turn into a Crip tonight.

• Twinkle Twinkle little star.
  I wanna hit you with a car.
  Throw you off a tree so high.
  Hope you break your neck and die!
  Twinkle Twinkle little star.
  Go to hell it isnt far.

• Mom: "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?"
  Me: "Shouldn't you be in the Kitchen?"
  I've never been hit so hard.

• I love watching magic tricks when I'm high. It makes it actually good. It's like WOAH!!! a bunny came out of that hat. But bunnies don't live in hats.

• SPONGEBOB GANGSTA RAP:
  
  Yo, I'm living in a pineapple under the sea.
  I got a blowjob from Pearl sitting under a tree.
  I got Patrick on my side, and we don't give a f*ck,
  Mr. Krabs talkin' sh*t, so we gonna f*ck him up.
  Squidward is a prick, always acting like a b*tch,
  Mad cause his nose looks like a f*ckin' d*ck.
  We work the same job, but I make more cash.
  I'm flipping Krabby Patties at the Krusty Krab.
  Gary is my homie so he got my back.
  Sandy got a big booty so I fap fap fap.
  I'm well known in lagoon for my gap tooth smile
  And Bikini Bottom bitches all love my style.

• After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
  
  "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
  
  After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
  
  He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
  
  The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

• Ek nauker apne seth se puchta hai ki kya wo picture dekhne ja sakta hai to uska seth bolta hai ki haan chalejao par uss picture ka gaana tumko mujhe sunaana padega aur fir agle din uska nauker picture dekhne jata hai jis picture ka naam tha upkaar aur phir jab wo apne seth ko gaana sunane jata hai tab wo uss picture ka gaana bhul jata hai aur tab wo apne man se ek gaana banata hai ki "mere seth ki chaddi phate phat phat koi na seele darji mere seth ki chaddi ".

• Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

  The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

  At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

  He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

  He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

• It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

• why did the chicken cross the road? because north koreas long range missles cant reach that far

• *stops writing book*
  Is the color spelled grey or gray?
  Fuck it
  *continues writing* "The sky was light bIack, it had been raining all day"

• I've just released my own fragrance.
  No one on the bus seems to like it though.

• When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
  I almost died in Finding Nemo.

• I went to walmart today and asked customer service for gta v. She was confused so i told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks ppl with his golf club. She came put later with Tiger Woods PGA 2010.

• A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
  The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

• We got some free child care the other day.
  We simply delayed going to the lost and found announcement.

• Boy: Hi.
  Girl: I have a boyfriend.
  Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.

• Daddy, I hate mommy's guts.
  Just eat what you can son.

• A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
  The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
  The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

• when a girl changes in front of you
  (a) she likes you
  (b) your level 99 friend zone
  (c) she's pretty sure your gay

• Call a girl beautiful a 1000 times and she'll never notice... but call her fat just once and she'll never forget... elephants never forget.

• What is the lightest thing in the world?
  A penis…even a thought can raise it.

• Boy:I want you
  Girl: Aww
  Boy:To leave me the f*ck alone

• Press kickass if you just love kickassing

• the ultimate f*ck this shit moment when you hit the power button on the remote and your cable box turns off and your tv turns on.......

• Yesterday, I got high and went to Olive Garden.
  Waitress: Would you like soup or salad?
  Me: What the f*ck is a super salad?

• One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

  After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

  "Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

  "Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

  "Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

  About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

  "I'm right year Doc," he said.

  "Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

  "Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

  A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

  "Right here docta," he said.

  "Wonderful news! It's-"

  "Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Kevbo

• Friends are like trampolines.
  I've always wanted a trampoline.

• I just got gas for $1.29!
  Too bad it was from Taco Bell...

• i believe i can flyyy
  got shot by the pizza guyyy
  all i wanted was some onion ringggss
  from McDonald's or Burgerkinggg
  I believe i can soarrrr
  mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
  Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
  I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
  Thought id post this funny jokes. Even though i got no votes.

• If I don't get to the internet every 5 minutes, a part of me dies

• Me: Knock! Knock!
  Friend: Who's There?
  Me: Daisy! Friend: Daisy Who?
  Me: Daisy Me Rollin, They Hatin!!
  ?•??•???
  

• The government is so stupid for having multiple life sentences ...its like yea if you manage to live through one life time... we'll get your ass in the next one. That makes bout much sense as sterilizing lethal injection needles.

• After Tuesday even the calendar goes W-T-F

• Girl: "I wanna give you the best blowjob of all time!"
  Me: "Really?"
  Girl: "April fogwrhbrfv..."

• a French man was on holiday in Russia, during the trip he was at a war centre while he was there he asked a Russian man how they won world war 2 when the Nazis were dominating.
  the Russian said " it's simple, we had the necessary clothes and equipment to get through the winter." the French man then said "well why did you lose the cold war then?
  Geddit?

• One, two, three, four I declare a thumb war!
  Five, six, seven, eight I use this hand to masturbate!

• Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

  One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."

  The other man says "fuck off, you're jokin aren't u?"

  The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..

  The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"

  The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

  The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a cunt when you're drunk superman"

  This joke was submitted by:
  Ritchie

• Crush: Can i tell you something?
  Me: Yeah
  Crush: I Love U
  Me: Really!!! I can't believe it!! :')
  Crush: Yes, it is my favourite vowel

• My dad said if I get 100 kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

• Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it!

• I was bored so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.

• A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "Its a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie." The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor, "Here you go. You win."

• The best 2 days of school:
  The first day
  The last day

• One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

  The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

  The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

  "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

  The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

• It's all fun and games until Grandpa has a flashback during Battleship.

• I felt sorry for our dog the missus is always telling him off like just "stop chewing my stuff" and "off the pillow ", so i said "your always telling him off if your not shouting get off the pillow or chewing crap its stop licking me"
  "eh!" she said "i wouldn't tell him off for that!"

• I wasn't going to download the song "Thrift Shop"...
  But shit, it was only 99 cents!

• Dear Pancakes,
  Do you have little compartments for syrup? No? I didn't think so.
  Sincerely, Waffles.

• Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
  Student: "Meat!"
  Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
  Student: "Bacon!"
  Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
  Student: "Homework!"

• Why is Peter Pan always flying?
  Because he Neverlands.
  I love this joke because it never grows old!

• Dad- Son, u better pass this exam or rather forget that im ur father!
  Son- Sure dad! Whatever!
  

• In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

  To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

  "Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

  Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

  "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

  Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

• Teacher: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
  Little Girl: A unicorn
  Teacher: Why is that?
  Little Girl: So I can stab people with my head

• Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic." Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the f*cking difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

• I tried to catch some fog the other day.
  Mist.

• Q:what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
  A:finding half of a worm in your apple.

• The awkward moment when your playing hide n' seek and you hide in the shower and someone goes in to take a shit...

• I bet earth makes fun of the other planets for having no life

• Why did the boy put suger on his pillow ?
  Because he wanted sweet dreems
  

• Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

  One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."

  The other man says "fuck off, you're jokin aren't u?"

  The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..

  The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"

  The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

  The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a cunt when you're drunk superman"

  This joke was submitted by:
  Ritchie

• I got pulled over by a sheriff today.
  I noticed the cop was a woman, so I decided to take a chance and started to pull out my 9 millimeter.
  But that just got me arrested for indecent exposure.

• How are Tornadoes and women alike?
  They moan when they come and take the house when they leave...

• Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
  While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
  Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
  One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
  The woman shakes her head no.
  Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
  The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
  The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
  The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
  As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.

• "Hey Daddy there's a lady jogging over there."
  Sorry son, we need room in the trunk for groceries but good eye, son, good eye.

• A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
  The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
  There's no way they can catch a BMW, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.
  The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.
  The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
  "Have a nice weekend." Said the officer and he walked away.

• What bee's can make milk?boobees

• I'm great at Call of Duty. I have big boobs. I make a really good sandwich. Unfortunately , I'm a man.

• THIS IS SOOOOO FUNNY..........
  Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
  purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted
  this:
  
  Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
  sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
  looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
  
  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
  effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
  adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
  to safety....??
  
  WAY TOO COOL!
  
  Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
  loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
  
  Nothing! I was disappointed.
  
  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
  against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
  electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
  
  AWESOME!!!
  
  Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
  on the face of her microwave.
  
  Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
  it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
  
  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
  (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
  that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
  target.
  
  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
  second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
  
  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
  herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
  as advertised.
  
  Am I wrong?
  
  So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
  glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
  hand, and taser in another.
  
  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
  disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
  muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
  would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
  of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
  batteries.
  
  All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'
  long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
  (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
  possible way!'
  
  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
  best...?
  
  I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
  one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second
  burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
  
  I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
  touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE
  HELL!!!
  
  I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
  picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
  over and over and over again.
  
  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
  tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
  nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
  position, and tingling in my legs?
  
  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
  clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
  attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
  room.
  
  Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
  one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
  you zap yourself!
  
  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
  hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
  would be considered conservative?
  
  SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
  
  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
  at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
  surveyed the landscape.
  
  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
  recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
  was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
  
  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
  lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
  
  Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
  sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
  believe came from my hair.
  
  I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
  reward for their safe return!!
  
  P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
  it!

• What do wet floor signs say in the ghetto?Caution: Bitches be trippin'

• There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, because that damn mailman is the son-of-a-bi*ch who ran over my FROG!"

• teacher is telling the class to say a sentence with the word definetly in it, mary says the sky is definitly blue, teacher says good but it can also be gray, jojo says grass is definetly green, good but it can be brown... little johny says is there lumps in a fart, teacher said no why would you ask that, johny says i definetly shit my pants xD
  

• A teacher tells the class if they can get the right answer to a question that will be asked every Friday, they can get the Monday off. The first Friday, she asks the class, "How many stars are in the universe?" No one can answer. The next Friday, she asks, "How many grains of sand are on Miami Beach?" Again, no one can answer. Finally, a boy gets a bag full of ping-pong balls painted black. The teacher on the 3rd Friday says, "Now for your question..." and the boys purposely spills the bag of ping pong balls everywhere. The teacher madly asks, "Who's the comedian with the black balls?" The boys replies, "Bill Cosby! See you Tuesday!"

• A kid walks in on his dad f*cking is mom, he goes into his grandmothers room, his dad walks in, "Son, what the hell are you doing?!" "You were f*cking my mom, now I'm f*cking yours!"

• John, who suffers from chest cancer, was in hospital when a pastor decided to visit. Then all of a sudden john couldn't breath and couldn't talk so the pastor gave john a pen and paper to right his last few words. Somehow he managed to write his last few words before he died. Two days later at the funeral the pastor was telling everyone how good John was and how he died, then he remembered the letter and the pastor took it out of his jacket and read it out loud and it said:" you're standing on my oxygen tube"
  

• *Nerd and slut finally make up and become boyfriend and girlfriend*
  Slut - What are you going to do to me?
  Nerd - I'm going to treat you like my homework, Slam you on my desk and do you all night long.

• hahahahahabananahahahahaha
  I bet you didnt notice "banana" in the middle. I got u good u f*cker!

• Me: should I get into trouble for something I didn't do?
  Teacher: No
  Me: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

• Does February march?
  No, but April may.

• little johnny sat in the classroom. the teacher says class if you can tell me who said these quotes, ill let you leave early. who said four score and seven years ago? nancy beats johnny to it and shouts abe lincoln! the teacher says nancy you can leave. who said ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for you? john kennedy shouts out susan. the teacher says very good susan you can leave. johnny says i wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut. the teacher says WHO SAID THAT?! johnny said tiger woods! can i leave now?

• A man was f*cking a nurse. She shouts: Aah it's painful.
  Man: you b*tch, daily u r injecting me where I don't hv hole, I'm putting it in ur hole & u say it hurts

• What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Might take a little to get hard I just got laid by a chicken."

• Stop editing your pictures. What if you're missing? How are we going to find you if you look like Beyonce on Facebook, and Waka Flocka in person?

• 4 gay men rest in a hot tub, when some sperm floats to the top. "Alright," said one of the men, "who farted?".

• If superman saved this world as many times s the delete history button did, this world would be at peace.
  Kickass if you agree.

• In private beer party, one kid was disturbing group by asking all silly questions. Everyone wss getting annoyed. One mexican from group told others - Dont worry. I will manage him.
  He took him in one corner for 5 minutes, later on kid didn't bothered them at all infact he didn't came out of room.
  Everyone asked mexican how he managed.
  Mexican said- not to worry. He won't disturb us now.
  I taught him, how to do mastrubation.
  

• Mum:Quit playing around and do your homework you son of a b*tch!
  Son:Well mom if i'm the son then you're the b*tch.

• My high school basketball coach told me I'd never make it to the NBA...
  What he really said was "Dylan, You're not black", but I knew what he meant.

• Me. How do you celebrate Columbus Day?
  Friend. How?
  Me. You walk into someone's home and say you live there.

• Kickass if you like boobs and pussy!!

• A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

  RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

  1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
  2) WON'T RUN AWAY
  3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

  For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

  Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

  Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

  "Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

  "Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

  To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

• You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

• how much wood would a wood chuck chuk if he was black .... he wouldnt he would tell mr beaver to do it for him

• An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

  Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

  The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

  He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

  The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

• DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.
  You little rebel, I like you.

• Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
  Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

• There are 2 kinds of people on Facebook one who gets a lot of like on their picture and the other are men

• My wife gets so clumsy when she's pregnant...
  Take tomorrow for instance, she's gonna fall down the stairs.

• Three men are stranded on an island. They are close to starvation, when a Native Tribe finds them and takes them back to their camp. The leader says:" Go in a jungle and bring back a fruit, then we will let you live". They go out looking for fruits, the first guy comes back with a peach. The leader says:" Now take the peach and shove it up your ass, if you laugh, we will kill you."
  He attempts it but has to laugh so they cut his head off. The second man appears back from his trip with a grape. The leader gives him the same instructions, but the second guy doesn't seem to have any problems, but bursts out laughing mid way through his test. He too is beheaded.
  
  In heaven the two guys meet, the first guy says:" I laughed because the peaches fuzz was tickling my bum, why did you laugh?"
  The second man responded:" I was doing fine, until I saw the third guy come back with a Pineapple."

• My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw an apple at his face. He was wrong.

• What's easier to pick up, the heavier it gets?
  Women.

• What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
  Damn

• Read this out loud:
  This is This cat
  This is is cat
  This is how cat
  This is to cat
  This is keep cat
  This is an cat
  This is idiot cat
  This is busy cat
  This is for cat
  This is forty cat
  This is seconds cat
  NOW READ THE THIRD WORD IN ALL THE SENTENCES.

• After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
  
  "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
  
  After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
  
  He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
  
  The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

• If you could have the weight of the world on your shoulders couldn't you let it go so the whole cast Jersey shore could die

• A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

• Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
  Girl: I have a boyfriend.
  Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.
  Girl: What does that have to do with anything?
  Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

• 9-1-1
  Parody of "Jingle Bells"
  Dashing through the snow, on a pair of broken skis
  Over the hills we go, crashing into trees!
  The snow is turning red, I think I might be dead,
  I woke up in the hospital with stitches in my head, oh!
  9-1-1, 9-1-1, Santa Claus is dead!
  Rudolph took a .44 and shot him in the head, oh!
  Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll, tried to save his life,
  But G.I. Joe from Mexico stabbed him with a knife!

• How to make anything sound dirty:
  1. Think of a compund word. ex. Butterfly
  2. Split the word up and use the first word in the first space. You get the idea.
  I'll ___ your ____. Ex. I'll butter your fly

• Add a word to ruin a movie:
  - Batman Begins College
  - The Longest Yard Sale
  - Charlottes Web Cam.
  View the comments to see more!

• Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick up the block and put it back in my toy chest.

• When I said b*tch in class my teacher suspended me, i don't know what they have against dogs........

• Roses are red violets are blue I've got 5 fingers and the middle one is for you

• A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war.
  The librarian replies, "No mate, you'll lose it."

• Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
  
  She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
  
  The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
  
  Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
  
  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

• In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

  The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

  The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

  The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

• Patient: Doctor, please help me, i have a really weak memory
  Doctor: okay... so, since when are you suffering from this problem?
  Patient: which problem?

• Boyfriend: Bitch
  Girlfriend: I been called worse
  Boyfriend: Like what
  Girlfriend: your girlfriend

• dude: Do you speak English?
  Me: Yes
  Dude: What is your name?
  Me: Bob
  Dude: Sex?
  Me: Maybe 3-5 times a week
  Dude: No I mean boy or girl
  Me: Well both
  Dude: Holy cow
  Me: Yes,cow,sheep,animals in general
  Dude: Aren't those hostile?
  Me: Horse style,Doggy style,any style!
  Dude: Oh dear
  Me: No,no! Deer run too fast...
  ENGLISH IS HARD

• Wanna hear a joke? Scroll down.

• Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

  The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

  Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

  The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

• (Row Row Row Your Boat) Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff, that's enough and pass it to a friend.

• The General Rule of People you meet on the internet (only pick two):
  -Single -Attractive -Mentally Stable

• Have you ever dated one of those really hot chicks who fulfil your every desire in the bedroom, never winge at anything you do and are happy for you to hand pick her mates to join in once in a while while she gets u a beer? No nore me!

• sorry i cant today
  my sister's friend's boyfriend's uncle's aunts's grandpa's half cousin's wife's neighbour's grandmas's uncle's grandchild's husband daughter's hamster died
  IT WAS TRAGIC

• A person: Why don't Homeless people play baseball? Homless person: Cuz they dont know where home is.

• Sex is good, sex is fine
  Doggy style, or Sixty-nine
  Just for fun, or getting paid
  Everyone loves getting laid

• Anant called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.
  "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
  "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Anant. "Is mommy near the phone?"
  "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Anant said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
  "Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
  "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
  "Okay, Daddy!"
  A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
  "And what happened?"
  "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
  "Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?"
  "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
  There was a long pause, then Anant said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

• Sometimes when I get bored I cover myself in vasaline and crawl around the floor and pretend im a slug.

• A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

• Waitress:Sorry sir have I been keeping you long?
  Man:Naaaaah,but did you know there are 52 879 tiles on the roof?!
  

• If you're 13 and under and have a Twitter that's cheating.
  You have to start from Myspace, to Facebook, then Twitter. Just like everyone else.

• What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
  Roberto

• I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
  BUT NONE OF THEM WORK

• A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

• Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fa** ot." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a fa**ot and he didn't care!" "You just don' t know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fa**ot !" "Oh, wow, I didn' t know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You' re right. He is unshakable!" The third Englishman said, "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

• Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

  So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

  The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

  So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

  He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Andrew J.

• Like this if you are cool
  Lame this if you have a small penis and a gay faggot

• Two guys ran into a bar...
  They both died

• the man was in a clinic with difficulty in walking,him and the doctor decided to chop the leg and heal it. when he wake up the nurse said" i have good and bad news" the man said" whats the bad news?" the nurse said" i have choped the wrong leg"
  the man said" whats the good news?" the nurse said" your other leg is getting better"

• The new Titanic 3D is out.
  Maybe they'll see the fucking iceberg this time.

• Five worst things to shout during sex.
  1. “Die !!!”
  2. “Prematurus Ejacularus”
  3. “Police… help!”
  4. “Sieg heil mein Führer!”
  5. “I love you mum.”

• Boobs - Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.

• If i had a dog with a face like yours....I would shave its ass and make it walk backwards.

• Here's a quiz for you!
  
  A man drops a brick from a plane which had 500 bricks. How many are left?
  
  If you got 500, you're correct.
  
  How do you put an elephant in a large fridge? There are 3 steps.
  
  If you got these steps, then you are correct:
  
  1. Open the door
  
  2. Put the elephant in the fridge
  
  3. Close the door
  
  Now, how do you put a ZEBRA in a fridge?
  
  If you got these steps, then you are correct:
  
  1. Open the door
  
  2. Take out the elephant
  
  3. Put the zebra in
  
  4. Close the door
  
  All species of animal (except humans) were at a gathering. However, one species had a missing animal. What was it?
  
  The correct answer is zebra, because it's in the fridge!
  
  A woman needs to cross a river to get to her house. A sign next to the river reads, "DANGER: Alligators! Use boat with caution." The woman swims across the river, and doesn't get injured. Why?
  
  The answer is that the alligators were at the gathering.
  
  After the woman gets on the other side, she dies. Why?
  
  The answer is that the brick from the plane fell on her head.

• Toothbrush:sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!????
  Toilet paper:Yea right????

• School:2+2=4
  Homework:2+4+2=8
  Exam: John has 3 Apple's,his train is 7 minutes early,calculate the mass of the Sun. Next question.

• Daughter: Mom, I'm pregnant!
  Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don't, and when he touches you vagina, say stop.
  Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,"don't, stop, don't, stop.

• They say you can only trust a person as far as you can throw them. I can trust a baby about 30 yards.

• You can celebrate Valentine's Day with your heart, I'll celebrate with my liver.

• i have to go see my doctor.....ben dover

• A small, terrible person continued on with his boring day. His meager existence continued to destroy his spirit. At least, it would if he had any. In fact, he had so little spirit, that he went to work in a hurricane they could only think of one name for, "Double Katrina". Yes, shit got that real. Somehow he was able to file his taxes before the hurricane blew him towards Death Valley. While in Death Valley, he came across a gaping cave, void of any modern aesthetics. Carefully, he approached the back of the cave, only to realize that it was only the end of the entrance. Towards the right, was an old Apple desktop from the late eighty's, that usually only started up after a few beatings on its side. Yes, he proceeded to hear Dial up, seeing as it was too old and slow to do anything useful. Suddenly, kickasshumor . com popped up, and he clicked on the category which he felt resonated with him. He had only a few words. "Aww yeah, just like my dick." And that folks, is nearly every person who has realized that the person was a penis himself, the hurricane was the queef from his first wife. The gaping cave was Anderson Coopers asshole, or the lack of a career he had, whichever. The apple desktop, was his image in a mirror: An overcompensator with no life, and devoid of any use.
  (Above) That was me blowing your mind.
  

• To Do List:
  Go into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here."

• A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
  
  The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
  
  The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
  
  Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
  
  The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
  
  The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
  
  The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
  
  Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
  
  The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
  
  The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

• Me: Knock knock
  Friend: Who's there
  Me: Dick
  Friend: Dick whoo
  Me: Haha look, a gay owl

• I dont believe in beating my kids...i make them wear a justin beiber shirt and hat when they go 2 school and have the other kids do it for me

• What does Attila the Hun and Kermit the frog have in common?
  They share the same middle name.

• Bitch: Omg your wore that shirt yesterday!!! LOL
  Me: Yeah well you see in my house I have a amazing thing called a washing machine.

• A nutritionist and a doctor are in love with the same girl. One day the girl is to travel for five days so the nutritionist gives her five apples and says "an apple a day keeps the doctor away".

• A hungry rabbit says to a squirrel lets play a game. The squirrel said yeah. The rabbit said lets see who can cook each other first. So the squirrel was in a pot with hot water on the stove and was starting to cook then the squirrel started to make annoying noises and trying to escape but he couldn't because the rabbit had put some rocks on top of the lid....

• Student - Teacher can i use the bathroom?
  Teacher- Why??
  Student- to slay the magic dragon WTF???
  

• What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
  A Dinosnore. Ahahaha someone date me please.

• 4/20? You mean 1/5...
  Reduce your fractions. Did you even learn math?

• Things that I wish were real:
  1. Krabby Patties
  2. Hogwarts
  3. My Girlfriend

• Neil Armstrong was the first human being on the moon.
  Neil A. backwards is Alien.
  Mind f*cked.

• A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
  
  And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
  
  The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
  
  But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
  
  The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
  
  On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
  
  Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
  
  Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
  
  "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
  
  "Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
  
  After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
  
  Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
  
  "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
  
  "You're welcome!" the blonde said.
  
  "By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
  
  "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

• Mummy, I've found a fake hundred.
  - How do you know that it is false?
  -because it had three zeros at the end!

• If I was a judge, Instead of shouting "ORDER IN THE COURT!" I would say "STOP... HAMMER TIME!" Then proceed to gavel out the freshest beat in the history of the judicial system.

• Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
  911: Alright, What is it?
  Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
  911: So what's your emergency?
  Boy: The ugly one is winning.

• Some mornings I wake up Bitchy.
  Other mornings, I just let her sleep.

• I put Jesus as my background pic & now my phone never dies.
  Yup, He's my screen-savior.

• Wife: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
  Husband: "Stop blaming the dress, It's your fat that makes you look fat."

• It doesn't matter if you're Black or White, but if you're Orange...

• Dad: Hey son want to hear a joke?
  Son: Yeah!
  Dad: Pussy.
  Son: I dont get it.
  Dad: Exactly...

• What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
  Nacho cheese!!

• A professer from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time.

  Red=Cherry
  Green=Lime
  Orange=Orange
  Yellow=Lemon

  Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"

  Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out there assholes"

  This joke was submitted by:
  Renee Rocher

• Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
  Usually she slept through the class.
  One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
  When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
  A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
  Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"
  

• Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!

• Q:why the man tip toe in the medicine cabinet? A: cuz he don't want to disturb the sleeping pills!! LOL

• mom: how would you describe me?
  kid: abcdefghijk
  mom: what does that mean?
  kid: adorable,beautiful,cute,delightful,elegant,fashionable,great,hot
  mom: aww that is sweet, but what does ijk mean?
  kid: i'm just kidding

• Me: Hey want to hear a dirty joke
  Friend: Sure Me: A pig fell in the mud

• I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
  He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.

• I know 10 facts about you:
  Fact 1: You are reading this.
  Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
  Fact 3: You just tried it.
  Fact 4: You're smiling.
  Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
  Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
  Fact 8: You just checked it.
  Fact 9: You're smiling again.
  Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)

• Seriously iPhone stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. You're making all my strong worded texts look adorable and harmless.

• The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

  A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

  The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

  "Shit" said the hypnotist.

  It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

• I love doing kip ups, my first time i busted my ass on the floor. Didn't practice for the rest of the day because my ass was so sore (Not a gay joke)

• Three men are shipwrecked on a deserted island. or so they think its not really deserted, they met a troop of cannibals. The cannibals surrounded them and said, "Go get 10 of any kind of fruit or we'll tear you to pieces and if you don't we'll tear you to shreds." So the 1st man comes back with 10 apples and the tribes says, "Stuff them up your butt. If you make one noise we'll put you in the eating cage." So the man gets 2 up his butt then whimpers and gets thrown in the cage. The 2nd man come with 10 cherry's and the tribe tells him the same thing. He manages to get 8 up his butt and then bursts out laughing. The first man asks the second and why are you laughing and the second man says, "I saw the 3rd man coming with pineapples."

• If someone asks you to spell "part A" backwards, don't do it.
  It's a Trap.

• Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

  Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

  Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"

• Constipated people don't give a shit

• Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday. Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.

• They say that if a hot girl replies to your message in less than 2 minutes, you get a bachelors degree in Communications.

• This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
  years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

  The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
  and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
  doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

  The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
  back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

  Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
  the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

  The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
  laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

  About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
  bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

  She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
  and I didn't listen to you.

  "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

  "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Calong1970

• A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"

• Can you see the the mistake?
  10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
  Like if you found it ;)

• Dinosaurs are just lies fed to us to cover up the existence of pokemon

• There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.

  As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.

  Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.

  She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.

  After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.

  She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.

  After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area

  Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."

  With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.

  B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"

• Mom: "i heard you failed your English exam?"
  Me: WHO TELLED YOU?!

• "Is you refrigerator running?"
  "Yes."
  "Good, mine too, I will see you at the refrigerator race tomorrow."

• A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

• Once their was a young boy, in school one day he asked if he could go to the toilet,
  'First say the alphabet' replied his teacher
  'abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz'
  'Where's the p?'
  'Running down my leg!'

• My boyfriend said he needs time and distance. Is he calculating velocity? He is so smart.

• *me and my causin playing a game*
  CAUSIN:how do you punch?
  ME:why
  causin:because i want to know!
  me :why
  causin:cause i want to be the best
  me:why
  causin:CAUSE I WANT TO BEAT YOU CUNT!!!
  SO TELL ME WHAT BUTTON!!!
  ..............
  ME:THE DAMN Y BUTTONN!!
  causin:oh god...WHY!
  

• I was in in the public restroom
  I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
  "Hi, how are you?"
  Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
  Stall: "So what are you up to?"
  Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
  Stall: "Can I come over?"
  Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
  Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

• Wait until someone is about to sneeze. Right before they do, loudly scream "PIKA PIKKAAAA!!"

• Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid?
  Say this:
  I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

• My children know they're in trouble when I take off my belt.
  Because I'm about to go for a massive shit.

• Wanna come over to my place and watch porn on my 60 inch flat screen mirror?

• the person who said an apple a day keeps the doctor away is a liar last week i threw an apple at my doctor but he dint go away.
  he went to the hospital tho

• The best curve on a girl is her smile.
  Naw jus kiddin, look at dat ass.

• I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp. It beats telling them I'm a f*cking cashier at McDonald's.

• One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
  
  Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
  
  So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
  
  For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
  
  Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

• My sister married a chinese billionaire. Cha Ching

• Once Cleopatra called all the Great men of history in a single room- Lincoln, Lenin, Gandhi, Martin Luther King etc..,
  Cleopatra: If a man in this room does not have a erection, when i put on my bikini, then i will take that man to my room and satisfy him.
  *Cleopatra puts on bikini and everyone has an erection except Gandhi*
  So Cleopatra takes Gandhi to her room, and takes off all her clothes, still Gandhi does not have an erection, angry, Cleopatra banishes Gandhi out of her room.
  The next day.
  Lincoln:How can you resist such temptation?
  Gandhi:I can't
  Martin Luther King: But what about yesterday?
  Gandhi:Today i just realized that i wasn't wearing my glasses yesterday..

• Parody of 'A,B,C'
  A,B,C,D,E,F,G
  Gummy bears are chasing me.
  One is red, One is blue,
  One is peeing on my shoe.
  Now I'm running for my life,
  cause the red one has a knife

• Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
  

• I feel like if I was a super hero and my power was saving people from awkward conversations, I would be more popular than Superman.

• World shortest scary story
  The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

• I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

• what did the green grape say to the purple grape????
  Breathe godammit BREATHE!!!!

• "Hey, did you finish the homework?"
  "No, but I have friends who finished."

• 
  Previous Next
  A hippie saunters into an urban Bar & Grill and orders a cheeseburger.
  "But make sure to make it not too well done, not too rare, but just in the groove." The waiter is a little annoyed at this, but serves him the burger.
  "Waiter!" the hippie says after a little bit. "Could I get a cup of tea? Not too weak, not too strong, but just in the groove." More annoyed now, the waiter contemplates pissing in the tea, but doesn''t.
  "Waiter!" the hippies says a little later. "Could I get some ice cream? Not too chocolate, not too vanilla, but just in the groove."
  "Wait," said the waiter. "I have another idea. How ''bout you kiss my ass? Not too much to the right, not too much to the left, but just in the groove."
  

• Why don't you give Elsa a balloon
  cause she'll let it go :]

• "Daddy what's a complete pass?"
  "We don't know son. We're 2013 Broncos fans."

• Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl.
  Friend: Who?

• Guy 1: Why did the chicken cross the road.
  Guy 2:To get to that asshole's house
  Guy 2: knock knock
  Guy 1: Who's there
  Guy 2: The chicken

• Someone started choking in the Starbucks line. It was soooo scary. Thankfully they opened up another register.

• Q:How do you get 10 jews into a car? A:Throw a dime inside.
  Q: How do you get them out?
  A: Tell them hitler is driving

• Just bumped into a mannequin & said "sorry". Then said "Oh I thought you were a person". Then realized I was still talking to a mannequin.

• Man: Dear do you know that exams are like women? Woman: How funny? Man: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful.
  

• Little Johnny was learning about government at school so his teacher told him to ask they're parents what the government is. Little Johnny asked his dad what the government was and his dad said that there is the president, congress, work force, people and the future. He explained that dad is president, mom is the congress, the maid is the work force, he is the people and his brother is the future. Johnny still didn't get it so his dad asked him to sleep and maybe by tomorrow he'll know what the government is. In the middle of the night little Johnny woke up because he heard his brother crying. He found out that he had pooed in his pants so he went to ask for help. His mom was asleep so he went downstairs to find his dad. His dad was having sex with the maid. "Now I know what the government is, the congress is asleep, the president is screwing the works force, know one cares about the people and the future is full of crap.
  

• Woman spelt backwards is namow. Namow in Polish means persuasion. What are all women good at? Persuading. Coincidence? I think not.

• A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

  The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

  The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

  The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

• I change my car horn to a gunshot sound. People move out of the way a lot faster now.

• There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
  When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
  When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
  When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
  He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
  They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
  ''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
  Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
  Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''

• Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

• Sometimes when I get bored, I text a random number and send "I hid the body, now what?!"

• So there were 3 friends trapped on the desert.... They found a lamp that has a geni in it the geni said:I will give you 1 wish each the first guy wished to be home same with the second one the third man's wish is "I'm lonely I wish my 2 friends were here"

• Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
  Student: A teacher!

• Guy1: why did the chicken cross the road?
  Guy2: Don't know.... why?
  Guy1: to get to the gay guys house....
  Guy2: ? ........
  Guy1: knock knock
  Guy2: who's there?
  Guy1: chicken!
  Guy2: f*ck you!
  

• Roses are red I have a phone
  Nobody texts me
  Forever alone

• I was just sitting around, doing nothing, when I was arrested for impersonating the President of the United States.

• I got a Valentines card which said:
  "Happy Valentines day! Love from you know who ;)"
  Why is Voldemort sending me Valentines cards?

• CLAPPING:
  (verb)
  Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

• A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

  "What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

  "magic apples", the old man replied.

  "Prove it", said the young man.

  "Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

  "Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

  The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

  The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

  The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

  The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

  "I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

  The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

  He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

  The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Ken B.

• And the Lord said to John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

• Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?
  Wife: I'd take half and leave.
  Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

• Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy. I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself.
  But the gun is like... way over there.

• I like pom
  read it again
  Like if you read that wrong

• 10 interesting facts:
  1) you cant say "s" without using your tongue
  2) just tried it
  3) your grinning
  4) you just checked to see if i forgot a number
  5) your smiling
  7) you didnt notice that I forgot 6)
  8) so you check it
  9) you think this is a weird "joke"
  10) you give it a good rating anyway :)

• Rabbits hop and they live for 8 year, dogs run and they live for 15 years and tortoise do nothing and they for 150 years. Lesson learnt.

• An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

  Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

  The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

  He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

  The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

• Why do midgets laugh when they run through grass?
  Because the grass tickles their balls!

• There's 3 sons of a priest. They did some bad crimes. One day all of them have to drink holy water in their father's church. The first man walks up and the priest says '' What crime did you do? drink the holy water now '' he says he killed his mother. He drinks the water. The second comes up, the priest says the same thing. He says he killed his son. He drinks the water. The third comes up laughing, the priest says '' what crime did you do? '' he simply says '' i peed in the holy water ''

• Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears... sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But fart just one time...

• The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

  Has to work hard
  Has to work at great depths
  Has to work upside down
  Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
  Has to work in a high humidity environment
  Has to work at high temperatures
  Does not get weekends and holidays off
  Does not get time off after extra hours of work
  Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

  Request denied for the following reasons:

  Does not work 8 hours in a row
  Does not answer immediately to all requests
  After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
  Shows no fidelity to the workplace
  Retires too early
  Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
  Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
  Sometimes leaves work, too early

• Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?
  A: Together, we can stop this sh*t.

• Dear Algebra
  please stop asking us to find your x
  she is not coming back
  

• I normally struggle with my laziness. should I sit down and do nothing, or lie down and do nothing.

• A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
  "Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
  -"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
  -"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
  -"Oh well", the man says and flies away.

• I was ironing my pants and burnt my knee! Talk about iron knee... haha *slaps wife*

• Roses Are Red
  Violets Are Blue
  God Made Me
  What The Hell Happened To You?

• * During school *
  "What day is it?"
  "Friday, May 24th, 2013. 2:15 pm"
  * Summer vacation *
  "What day is it?" "Maybe July."

• Me: what do you use to catch fish?
  Friend: worms?
  Me: no fish bate, what do you use to catch squids?
  Friend: squid bate
  Me: what do you use to catch lions?
  Friend: lion bate
  Me: what do you use to catch I master?
  Friend: I master bate, wait! Dammit...

• Setting:On a computer key board shrunken in size
  Harry: My mom must keep her shrink ray here
  Jimmy: DAH! SHE KEEPS IT INSIDE THE DRAWER!
  Harry:jeez! you don't have to yell.
  Jimmy:sorry,I was standing on caps lock

• It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman..... It doesn't matter if its a Visa or a MasterCard.

• What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
  Doughnuts!

• John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18.
  It was a very close race.

• Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?
  "Ask your sister"
  I don't have a...

• My scarecrow just won an award. He was outstanding in his field.

• We tip our hats to the "Baby Boomers".
  
  First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
  
  Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
  
  We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.
  
  We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing!
  
  We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
  
  We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms. We had friends and we went outside and found them!
  
  We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out anyone's eyes.
  
  We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
  
  Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
  
  The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
  
  The result? This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!
  
  And if you are one of the Baby Boomers, Congratulations!

• superman is the strongest man ever. he survived an exploding planet when he was a baby. he doesn't need to eat or drink. he is known as the man of steel. he has no limits. but throw a green rock within 20 feet of him and suddenly he's rolling around in pain.

• This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

  
  "Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

  The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

  So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

  The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

  "Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

  "NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
  

• the boy scout motto ....on my honor I"ll do my best to help a girl scout undress her dress, to smoke cigars and cigarettes, to take whats mine and steal the rest.

• I hate when you ask your teacher to go to the toilet and she asks,"Why"
  And im just like,"TO SLAY THE FUCKING MAGICAL DRAGON!!!!"
  

• Girl: You spend way too much time on your x-box and never anytime with me :(
  Boy: But i'm trying to achieve a new level
  Girl: Hey gues what?!
  Boy: What?
  Girl: Level Achieved - SINGLE

• Why does lightning exist?
  God is taking a selfie.

• A fat woman just served me at McDonalds. She said, "Sorry about the wait." I responded, "Don't worry, you'll lose that eventually."

• Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice.
  Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.
  That's because elephants never forget.

• A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, and a crab with a whale for a daughter: The Directors of Spongebob were obviously high.

• A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

  Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

  To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

  The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

  "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

  Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.

  Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.

  "I can also make it wink, " says the woman.

  The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

  "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

  The Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

  Stunned, The Scotsman replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

• Playing I spy with my dad when I was younger:
  Dad: I spy something gray.
  Little sister: Your hair!
  Dad: I spy something adopted!

• What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
  Virgin mobile

• Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
  A: A $100 bill.

• Three guys are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are in labor. The doctor goes up to the first guy and says,
  "Your wife gave birth to two kids."
  "Wow, that is a coincidence because I was in the two towers movie," he replies. The doctor goes up to the second guy.
  "Your wife gave birth to five kids."
  "Wow, that's a coincidence because I work at five guys," he said.
  The doctor sees the third guy crying.
  "Why are you crying?" he asked.
  The third guy said "I work at the 99 steakhouse."

• what do you get when 32 rednecks are in one room???
  A set of TEETH!

• dad: son get me a drink!
  son: juice or pepsi?
  dad: pepsi
  son: hot or cold?
  dad: cold!
  son: sweet or salty?
  dad: damn it just get me water!
  son: still or mineral?
  dad: MINERAL!
  son: minty or normal?
  dad: im gonna kill you!
  son: head or body?
  dad: head!
  son: shotgun or knife?
  dad: $%&?!)$&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• I'm dressing as a democrat this Halloween. I'm going to take half of all the kids candy and give it to the kids who were too lazy to go trick-r-treating.

• 5 TERRIBLE PUNS:
  -1: This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian club but I'd never met herbivore.
  -2: I can't find my coat. I hope somebody didn't jacket.
  -3: She told me I was average. I think she was just being mean.
  -4: I donated blood and they told me I was type-a. It turned out to be a type-o.
  -5: My class went on a field trip to the coca cola factory. I hope there's not a pop quiz.

• Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

• 69% Percent of people will find something wrong with this sentence.

• I don't always get asked out on a date.
  But when I do... It's on April 1st.

• Teenager (noun) - Someone who is well prepared for a zombie apocalypse but not ready for tomorrows math test.

• johns in 1st grade and his teacher is going over vocab words and his teacher asks the class to use the word house in a sentence so everyone in the class raises there hands including john, and the teacher picks on Billy. and Billy said my house is brown
  teacher: very good.
  teacher: how about we use the word dog.
  the class raises their hands.
  Teacher picks on sally instead of john and john is in the background with a frown on his face.
  Sally i walk my dog:
  john: how come you didn't pick on me :( to answer
  teacher: because i know you know all the words but if you want a word ill give you one..
  Teacher: use the word Urinate.
  john: ok i have a sentence for you:D
  John: urinate but IF YOU HAD BIGGER TITTIES you would be a 10

• A Boss is like a diaper, always on your ass and usually full of shit

• *Throws pencil at kid*
  Elementary: Ow! That hurt! I'm telling on you!
  Middle school: Damn bro, stop.
  High school: WTF? *Throws pencil at you*
  College: FUS RO DAH *Throws desk at you*

• When the person you hate the most falls down, you ask the ground if its okay.

• Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

• BF: Hey we need to breakup. sorry
  GF: WHAT? WHY? :'(
  BF: oh sorry... wrong person.
  GF: Oh okay... wait WHAT?

• Perfect has 7 letters
  so does meeeeee
  coincidence? I think not

• Three americans are on a vacation hiking in a jungle in Brazil.

  While there, they are attacked by cannibals. The cannibals say they'll eat them if they dont complete 2 tasks. They agree.

  The first task is to go in to the center of the jungle and collect eight of of one fruit. The first tourist, Craig collects eight oranges. The second, Bob finds eight grapes. They all sit and wait for the third, Roy but they don't see him so they just go on without him.

  The next task is to shove all of the fruit that they collected up their ass showing no emotion on their face. Well Craig gets to two oranges before he starts crying. So they tie him to a stake ready to be burned. Bob gets to six grapes before he starts laughing uncontrollably, and they tie him to the stake too.

  Just before the cannibals set alight to the stake Craig says to Bob "Why did you start laughing you could have gone free.", Bob says "Well because I just saw Roy coming out of the woods with eight pineapples."

• One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house.

  They were all freaked out and hesitated to go in.

  Eventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of Mickey Mouse appears and says "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"

  Next the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house".

  Finally, the Irishman went in and lifted the fiver and Mickey Mouse popped out again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"

  Then the Irishman said "I'm the ghost of Donald Duck I'll lift this fiver and I'll run like fuck"

• Friend: you can't fix stuff that's already broken
  Me: like you face

• No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just me January, Forever alone February, No Match March.....
  I got this.

• The school called me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies".
  "Well tell him he's f*cking good" I replied, "I ain't got any kids!"

• What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his ass.

• A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
  

• Ke$ha: "Blow!"
  Bruno Mars: "Grenade.."
  Taio Cruz: "Dynamite!"
  Katy Perry: "Firework.."
  Britney Spears: "Till the world ends!"
  ...Are they plotting something?

• How's the name Hurricane Sandy threatening? If you really want to scare people, call it Hurricane DickSmash.

• How do you make holy water?
  You boil the hell out of it
  

• Three men went to hell.

  The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

  He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

  Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

  Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

  Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

  The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

  They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
  

• True Text meanings
  BRB: I don't wanna talk to you
  LOL: I don't have anythings else to say
  COOL: I really don't care

• Son: "Hey Mom"
  Mom: " What?"
  Son: "I like dick"
  Mom: "WHAT?!?!?!?!"
  Son: "Oh im sorry, i mean Rick"
  Mom: "He does have a good dick"

• Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
  
  "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
  
  He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
  
  Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

• So I forgot my password today and after several wrong guesses a hint popped up. "Hint: Fuck you" Thanks for the help past self. Dick.

• This is a story about the girl that didn't know what cursing was. It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sex in the next bedroom over. She hears the dad say, "oh honey I love your luscious tits" and she hears the mom say, "oh baby I love your slim dick". So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, "Hey dad, what are luscious tits?" the dad panics and says, "It's a fine coat". She then walks up to the mom and says, "Hey mom, what's a slim dick?". The mom panics and says, "It's a pair of boots". Later on that day, everybody's getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, "Shit!". The daughter then asks,"What does shit mean" and the dad replies, "I'm shaving right now sweety". The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey. The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, "Fuck". The daughter then asks, "hey mom, what does f*ck mean" and the mom replies, "I'm cooking the turkey sweety". About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door. The girl answers the door and says, "Hello everyone hang up your luscious tits and drop your slim dicks, my dad is upstairs shitting and my mom's f*cking the turkey".

• Mom: get up Liam, you will be late for school
  Liam: but I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me
  Mom: you have to go
  Liam: give me one reason why I should go
  Mom: your 35, and your the principal

• Woman always say they love a man in uniform.
  But when I go clubing out in my Mcdonalds uniform nobody will talk to me.

• Jimmy has 42 candy bars. Jimmy eats 24. What does jimmy have now? Diabetes.. Jimmy has diabetes.

• A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.
  The guy asks for the bad news first.
  The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."
  Then the guy asks for the good news.
  The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your shoes."

• Why are scary movies always in creepy places like jails and hospitals? I want a scary movie in Walmart.
  "Clean up on aisle 13"
  "But sir... There is no aisle 13.." *dramatic music*

• So this kids dad walks into his sons room and says, "Did you know if you masterbate too much you will go blind?" His son says, "Hey dad, I'm over here."

• Dear Math,
  I am sick and tired of finding your "x". Just accept the fact that she's gone. Move on dude.

• 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, so dose that mean 1 is enjoying it

• There were some guys sailing through the ocean. One day the guy in the crows nest yelled down. "Captain 10 ships on the horizon!" The captain says "Bring me my red shirt!" so he puts on his red shirt and the battle ensues. No one gets hurt and they win. The guy from the crows nest asks "Captain why did you want you red shirt?" the captain says " If i get shot you will not see the blood and you will fight on and when!" the guy says "OK cool." two weeks pass by and the guy in the crows nest says " captain 40 ships on the horizon!" the captain say " Bring me my brown pants!"

• Three friends were talking at lunch:
  Fred: Guess what guys, I got a girlfriend. She's really fun. Bill, do you have a girlfriend?
  Bill: Yes, she's beautiful. Joe, do you have a girlfriend?
  Joe: Errrr...it's complicated, I don't want to talk about him...

• A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

  She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

  The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

  "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

  The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

• Nerd Rap:
  People always ask why I act like those nerds,
  Why I correct grammar and why I use big words.
  Stupid... is officially whack.
  Man you look real fly, but you can't spell cat!
  Popularity's irrelevant; Gotta be intelligent.
  Stay in the books, and you'll be the new president.
  Got an A+; they all made fun of me.
  Grew up, now they're working for my company.
  L-O-L, exclamation point, send!
  I'm so awesome; want to be my friend?

• Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
  Because he was looking for Pooh.

• My definition of a clean room - A clear path from my door, to my bed.

• My mum never realised the irony when she called me son-of-a-bit*h

• Why do Squirrels swim on their backs?
  To keep their nuts dry.

• Gangster 1: Westside!
  Gangster 2: Eastside!
  Hobo: Outside!

• rate this plzs my brother made so this if we dont get 2 kick ass rates he gonna beat the hell at me

• The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
  Has to work hard
  Has to work at great depths
  Has to work upside down
  Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
  Has to work in a high humidity environment
  Has to work at high temperatures
  Does not get weekends and holidays off
  Does not get time off after extra hours of work
  Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness
  Request denied for the following reasons:
  Does not work 8 hours in a row
  Does not answer immediately to all requests
  After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
  Shows no fidelity to the workplace
  Retires too early
  Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
  Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
  Sometimes leaves work, too early

• why seagulls fly over the sea because if they flew over the bay the would be baguls

• A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
  Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
  "I don't like her," she says.

• Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
  
  The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
  
  The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
  
  The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

• Teacher: Did you finish you homework?
  Kid: Did you finish grading my test?
  Teacher: I have other children's tests to grade
  Kid: I have other teachers homework to do

• So there is this boy who has a speaking disability. One day he goes down to the bakery and asks for a bum, the person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bun?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then decides to go down to the hardware store and asks for a f*ck it, The person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bucket?" The boy replies with yeah yeah whatever. He then goes to the pet store to get a dog, he asks for a cock and spank it, The lady at the counter replies with "Don't you mean a cocker spaniel?" He replies with yeah yeah whatever. That afternoon he loses his dog, he goes up to a random woman and says
  
  "Can you please hold my bum and f*ck it while I go find my cock and spank it?"

• Girls' weight: 120 lbs
  with make up: 125 lbs
  with clothes on: 125.01

• Yesterday I saw a bus load of terrorists fall of a cliff, I cried. There was two empty seats.

• A man is sun-bathing nude at the beach; a little girl comes up to him so he covers his penis with a newspaper. The little girl asks, 'Whats under there?' The man says, 'A bird.' The girl walks away and the man falls asleep. He wakes up later in a hospital and is in great pain. A doctor and a policeman are at his bed, the doctor asks him, 'Do you remember what happened?' The man replies, 'I don't know; I was at the beach and fell asleep after talking to a little girl. The policeman says I asked her what happened and she said , 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was asleep, I played with his bird. It spit at me! So I broke it's neck, burned its nest, and smashed the two little eggs!

• Wee Hughie was dying.

  Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, "Anything I can get you, Hughie?"

  "No" He replied.

  "You must have a last wish, Hughie?" asked his wife.

  Faintly, came the answer. . . "A wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder would be nice"

  "Ach, man... you can't have that" said Maggie, "You know it's for the your funeral".
  

• I find hand jobs are a lot like cooking. I'm better at it, but I prefer it when a woman does it for me.

• girl: do you have a naughty side?
  boy: sometimes i dont do my homework....on purpose! SO HARDCORE!

• Saying ur dumped but can we be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway

• 'Girls Night Out'
  One night my girls invited me out. I promised my husband I'd be home by midnight. Hours passed and margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM (a bit loaded) I headed home. Just as I got in the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. The next morning he asked what time I got in. I said "MIDNIGHT!" He seemed fine so I thought I'd gotten away with it. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit', cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 times again, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

• Sure Mexico, you may have temporarily stolen our crown as fattest country... but just wait until the Twinkies come back!

• I read eating fatty foods was bad for you, so I stopped eating fatty foods. I read smoking was bad for you, so I stopped smoking. I read drinking was bad for you, so I stopped reading.

• 5 boys were playing football. 4 of them notices that the other one wasn't very good, so they asked him,
  
  "Why are you not good at sport? Boys are meant to be really sporty"
  The boy answered,
  
  "Well I am really a girl but I had a sex change"
  
  The first boy asked her,
  "What was the most painful part? Was it when they sewed a dick on you?" In which she replied no.
  
  The second boy asked her,
  "Was it when they chopped your boobs off?" In which she again replied no.
  
  The third boy asked her,
  "Was it when they pumped your muscles up" She still replied no.
  
  The fourth boy asked her,
  "Then what WAS the most painful part?"
  
  The girl smiled innocently and said,
  
  "When they cut my brain in half"

• A man arrives at a physician, the doctor asks for the problem, the man says that he has a severe back-ache, the doctor asks for the reason that caused the backache, the man explains "this morning, when i got back home from my night shift at work, i saw my wife naked in bad asleep, and there were evidence of a man's presence, so i immediately began searching for the bastard, when i looked out of window, i saw a naked man down in the alley wearing cloth, i lifted the nearest object which was the refrigerator and dropped it out in the alley and it landed on man in the alley. the reason was the lifting". the doctor were shocked and then wrote some drugs in the prescription and the first man leaves. the second man arrives at the physician. doctor asks for the problem and gets "severe back-ache" again, when asks for reason behind it, hears "this morning i woke up late and were very late for work, so i decided to wear my cloth on the way, so i ran to the alley naked and began to wear my cloth there when suddenly a heavy object was dropped on me, i guess the reason was being hit by that object."; the doctor was shocked even more, and then wrote some drugs for him. the third man enters and complains about same problem "severe back-ache", the doctor which was shocked to the very existence, sarcastically told the man "did u lift a refrigerator or got hit by a refrigerator?", the man replied "No, i was inside the refrigerator"

• White people be like "I'm not white I'm:
  22% Irish
  18% German 28% Italian
  30% French 2% milk

• Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.
  
  They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
  
  Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
  
  Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
  
  The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

• little jhonny said to the teacher miss i need to pee
  teacher: wait 1 minute
  jhonny: miss i need to pee
  teacher: sing your alphabet
  jhonny: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz
  teacher: very good jhonny but were's the p
  jhonny: running down my leg

• SON:MOM WHATS A GIRLFRIEND
  MOM:UR A GOOD BOY YOU'LL GET ONE WHEN UR OLDER
  SON:WHAT IF I'M NOT A GOOD BOY
  MOM;THEN U'LL GET MANY

• Girl: Do u like me
  Guy: No
  Girl: :(
  Guy: You never said I loved you
  Girl: Awwww u love me
  Guy: No

• A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

  "What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

  "magic apples", the old man replied.

  "Prove it", said the young man.

  "Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

  "Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

  The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

  The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

  The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

  The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

  "I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

  The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

  He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

  The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Ken B.

• Is there by any chance of you being Athletic??
  Yeah, I Surf the Web.....

• Where does the general keep his armies?
  In his sleevies

• Three men went to hell.

  The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

  He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

  Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

  Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

  Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.

  The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

  They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
  

• Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
  The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
  Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
  "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
  "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
  The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
  "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

• bully:Hey kid stop watching porn
  Kid: Maybe, maybe not just ask your mum
  Bully:At least I'm not gay
  Kid: At least I don't have a vagina
  Class: Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  Bully: Your penis is so tiny students thinks it's an ant
  Class: this is epicccccccccccccc
  Kid: At least i have one
  Class : woahhhhhhhhhh
  Bully: I'll give you an atomic wedgie right now
  Kid: I guess you're a dumb jock that can only get a kiss from your sister
  Bully: Shut up
  Kid: Now or Later
  Bully: Stop being a retard
  Kid: Bitch I ain't no mirror
  I walk away like a boss ????

• it's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said

• why do people post the same shity jokes over and over again ?

• A man and his wife are waken one night by glass breaking. An escaped prisoner storms into their bedroom and ties up the two of them: the husband to a chair, the wife to the bed. The man leans over the wife, talks with her, and goes into the adjacent bathroom. The husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, he probably wants sex, but just give it to him because he's dangerous. If you don't, he could kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you." The wife starts to giggle and replies, "Oh, don't worry about me. He just told me that he thought you were cute and asked if we had any vaseline in the bathroom. I told him it was on the top shelf. Be strong honey, I love you."

• one night in a bar a man walked up to the barman and said "you see that glass in the other end of the bar? I bet you $100 I can piss in it from here." the barman says "you're on !" so the guy starts to piss everywhere on everyone even the barman, exept for the glass. "Ha!" says the barman. "you owe me $100" so the guy says "wait here." and he walks to a pool table and gets money from someone and they laugh. "here it is" the man says. "thanks. By the way, why did you two laugh ? you lost the bet" "oh" says the man. "I bet him $1000 i could piss everywhere in the bar and even on you and you'd still be smiling"

• At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

  The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

  "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

  "Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

• *speeding*
  cop:pull over!!!
  me: *pulls over*
  cop:do you know why i pulled you over?
  me:yes!!! do you?

• A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

  So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

  So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

  She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

• What's the difference between a priest and pimples? Pimples wait until your atleast 14 before they cum on your face

• 3 Impossible Things
  1. You can't count your hair
  2. You can't wash your eyes out with soap
  3. You can't breathe with your tongue is out
  J.K. Now please put your tongue back in your mouth you look like a dog.

• Hey, I'm writing poem for my wife. What rhymes with "leaving you next week"?

• A professer from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time.

  Red=Cherry
  Green=Lime
  Orange=Orange
  Yellow=Lemon

  Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"

  Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out there assholes"

  This joke was submitted by:
  Renee Rocher

• Little Jonny thought he was the only one who kept secrets, so he asked his teacher. She said that everyone, even adults had secrets. So Little Jonny went up to his mom and told her he knew here secret, she gave him 20$ and told him not to tell his father. So then Little Jonny went up to his dad, and told him he knew his secret, his dad paid him 50$ and told him not to tell his mother. Little Jonny loving this, he's making tons of money, then he goes outside. The first person he sees is the mailman, Little Jonny says I know your secret. Then the mailman says really!? Come here son!

• In just 9 months we will be witness to a population boom. Known as the "Shades of Grey Babies."

• This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

  
  "Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

  The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

  So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

  The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

  "Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

  "NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
  

• Oh, You're 10? Ok, well here's an animal that can breath fire.
  - Prof Oak.

• What do you get if you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?...

• We celebrate Jesus brutally dying on the cross by getting a giant bunny rabbit to hide chocolate eggs.
  I can't help but feel there is a massive gap in information somewhere.

• Q: Why cant whores count to 70?
  A: Because 69 is a mouth full.

• My girlfriend has started a diet with the aim to lose 15 lbs for our wedding day, She achieved it today as I raided her purse.

• "How much for the Horse tornado?" "Sir, that's a carousel."
  "I must have one"

• Why did the record breaking fart champion retire? He felt his best work was behind him

• Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke a little leaf, Jack got high and dropped his fly and Jill said "Where’s The Beef?" Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass And grabbed her arse Now his two front teeth are missing. Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock Cause Jill's real name is randy Jack and Jill went up the hill and did it in the water Jack slipped His condom ripped and they ended up having a daughter Jack And Jill Went up the hill So Jack could lick Jills fanny, all Jack got was a mouth fall of cock Cause Jills a f**king Tranny. Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with some marijuana Jack got high and Opened his fly And Jill said Iawanna HICKERY DICKERY DOC THIS BITCH WAS SUCKIN MY COCK THE CLOCK STRUCK TWO I DUMPED MY GOO AND DUMPED HER AT THE END OF THE BLOCK. Hickory dickory dock The homo sucked on a chock The chock shot cum The homo said "yum!" Hickory dickory dock Jack be nimble jack be quick jack jump over the candlestick, if jacks so nimble and jacks so quick why is he in the hospital with a lil burnt dick. Little Bow Peep had a sheep that she kept in her back yard. When she would pull down her panties, and show him her fanny, his little wooly ding dong would get hard! Eenie, meenie, miney, mo. You ain't nothing but a hoe. U think you're cool, u think you're classy. Reality Check: You're really trashy. Mirror mirror on the wall, f*ck your lies, f*ck them all. I don't care what you say, I'm the shit all day, every day! The dirty looks, the jealous stares. The best part is, you think I CARE. Roll your eyes & talk your shit. Jealous b*tches make me sick. Jingle bells seniors smell, juniors all the way... sophmores suck cause they're all sluts and freshys have no say... HEY! Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she bent over, Rover took over And the b*tch got a bone of her own! Peter peter pumpkin eater had a wife loved to beat her smacked her twice across the head f*cked her ass and went to bed Sing a song of bum sex, An arse hole full of cum. 4 and 20 fat cocks forced up her bum, and when the ass was open her butt began to bleed, wasn't that a shitty dish to drop between her knees. The king was in the parlour moting out the wench. The queen was in the kitchen strumming on her bean. The maid was in the garden banging on her pussy, when down came a penis and squirted in her nose! Little bow peep f*cked a sheep blew a horse, licked his feet, she ate his ass so very nice tongued his balls not once but twice. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, He's an alcoholic and I am too, Whenever we go downtown The people always frown What a shame John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't the spider That crept up beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn. Humpty Dumpty f*cked a fat whore Humpty Dumpty f*cked her some more All the kings horses n all the kings men Bent the b*tch over and f*cked her again Yankee Doodle is a kid that just now had a baby, he stuck a penis up his ass until it made some gravy. Rapunzel Rapunzel CUT down your hair Cause oh ma word you are a rasta down stairs Your pussy's too hairy My dick's even scared Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet With her legs open wide Down came a spider Look right inside her and said damn that pussy's wide. little druggy sat in her buggy smoking a joint of weed along came a spider who sat down beside her and sold her a kilo of speed Heres the lil slut, short and stout, bend me over and i will shout, so lay me down and eat me out! In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue hit a rock, split his cock, and pissed all over the ocean blue (Row Row Your Boat) Suck suck suck a Dick Gently up and down One and two right near his ass Then he will Kum at last Jump hump on a dick, make it nice and stiff, once it's ready, open steady, make me moan and twitch. (Row Row Row Your Boat Animorphic Version) Fuck, f*ck, f*ck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. 69 a porcupine. Orgy at the zoo. Fuck, f*ck, f*ck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. Finger an orangutang. Orgy at the zoo. Fuck, f*ck, f*ck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. Eat a grape, rape an ape. Orgy at the zoo. Fuck, f*ck, f*ck a duck. Screw a kangaroo. Masturbate with a snake Sunning at the zoo. Fuck, f*ck, f*ck a duck Gently in the ass Roll around on the ground Until you cum at last! Mary Mary Quite Contrary Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy. Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow I live in a flat you f*cking twat so how the f*ck should I know Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow With wizz and e’s and ganja trees and coke as white as snow Mary Mary quite contrary, how does your fanny cope, with pubic hair and cocks up there and spunk bubbles all in a row. Mary, Mary, guite contrary, How does your garden grow? With a tuft of hair, (you know where), And three pretty holes in a row! Roses Are Red Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you. Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not f*cking blue. Roses are red. Sex is elementary. Let's call up a friend, And try double entry! Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in. If all are willing you'll get double billing. So, after one at each end you'll need time to mend. Roses are red. My mind is twisted. Bend over baby, Your about to get fisted. Roses are red ,lemons r sour, open your legs and give me and hour kissing is a habbit f*cking is a game guys get all the pleasure gurls get all the pain. 10 min of pleasure 9months of pain 3 days in the hospital a baby with no name the baby is a basturd the mother is a whore this wouldnt have happened if the rubber hadnt torn, sex is like math you subtract the clothes add the bed divide the legs and pray to go you dont multiply. roses are red grass is green open your legs and fill you with cream sex is evil sex is a sin sinns are your given so stick it in. roses are nice violets are fine ill be the 6 if you be the 9. eat me beat me bite me blow me f*ck me suck me very slowly if you like it dont be sassy just use your tongue and make it nasty Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I thought was vaseline, Turned out to be glue! Roses are red Violets are blue Im in love but not with you. You told your frieds that I was a trick. and I told my friends you have a weak dick. Roses are red, Poems are corny, the way you get down makes me feel horny! Roses are red Your blood is too you look like a monkey And belong in a zoo. Do not worry I'll be there too. Not in the cage But laughing at you! Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, What the hell happened to you? Twinkle Twinkle Twinkle Twinkle little slut, You Like Dick inside your butt. Twinkle Twinkle little whore, Close your legs, they're not a door Twinkle twinkle little b**ch, Close your legs it smells like fish "Twinkle twinkle little snitch, mind your own business you nosey b*tch. Twinkle Twinkle little slut Name a guy you haven't f*cked Is he skinny is he tall Nevermined you f*cked them all Twinkle twinkle little b*tch Close your legs They smell like fish Twinkle twinkle little whore, you're at school, not Jersey Shore. You're a slutty orange mess, please go find a longer dress! Twinkle, twinkle, little star Hey baby have you seen the backseat of my car With your legs up high I'll make you cry and make you forget where you are Twinkle twinkle little slut May I f*ck you in the butt Fuck you hard till you cum While I'm jizzin' in your bum Twinkle twinkle little slut Can I f*ck your precious cunt Twinkle twinkle little whore, you're cheaper than the dollar store. Twinkle twinkle little whore, I can't pay you anymore, its not cause I'm broke you see, its cause i like pussy free Mary Had A Little Lamb Mary had a little lamb her cow had B.S.E Mary was a kiky slut and give them H.I.V Mary had a little lamb, His fleece all white and whispy, Along came foot and mouth disease, And now he's black and crispy. Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was black as charcoal. And everywhere that Mary went she'd kick it up the arsehole. Mary had a little lamb She also had a duck She put them on the mantle piece To see if they would f*ck Mary had a little lamb, her father shot it dead. it followed her to school one day. between two slices of bread Dirty Rhymes When Shit goes down and sides are taken, you find out who was real and who was fakin. Everyone wants happiness. Nobody wants pain. But you can't have a rainbow without a little rain. She spends hours & hours fixing her hair, Just for the boy who will never care. Were all in the same game; just different levels Dealing with the same hell; just different devils U jerk; i dougie. ur cool; I'm epic. ur Fresh; I'm Fly. u Kid; i Joke. u walk; i swag. u dream; I believe. ur Different; I'm Original! I cared, you didn't. I cried, you laughed. I was hurt, you smiled. I moved on, you realized. Too late. Barney is a dinosaur With no imagination Shoved his finger up his arse And died of constipation Ashes to ashes dust to dust your pussy full of rust Wanted by many, taken by none, looking at some, but waiting for one. There once was a lass called Louise, whose cunt smelt like Limburger Cheese, she leaked so much grunge, that she purchased a sponge, that sopped up the muck to her knees. Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think. You call me a BITCH, Actually I'm beautiful SHIT, You think your all that, but your a SON OF A BITCH There once was a lady from ealing Who had a peculiar feeling She leant on her back Opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling Everyone's doing it doing it doing it Picking their nose and chewing it chewing it chewing it They think its some kind of candy but its snot Mother Fucker titty sucker two balled b*tch ping pong pussy and a rubber dick, Your daddy's got a dick like a rattle snake, your momma's got a pussy like a garden rake. I wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast forward the bullshit. Rewind the memories. Words begin with ABC. Numbers begin with 123. Music begins with do, re, mi. And this love begins with you and me. "I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful." I'm strong cause I know my weaknesses. I'm alive because i'm a fighter. I'm wise because I've been foolish.I laugh because I've know sadness. I don’t hate you, I never will. I just act like I do, because it’s easier than admitting that I miss you. Bitch, please. Last time I checked, awesome ended with 'ME' and ugly started with 'u' She comes off as strong, but maybe she fell asleep crying. She acts like nothing is wrong, but maybe she's just really good at lying. There once was a girl by the name of Kim She had a Guy by the name of Jim Big fat balls and a hairy long dick Stuck it down her throat and made her sick She gagged and puked and gagged some more Yes sir e she is a whore Big fat tits and a hairy cunt to boot If you don't watch it she will set on your snoot Suck your head right up her twat Her ass is as big as a parking lot She died at the age of 26 Because she like to suck those dicks. Little John sat in the class, The teacher drew a cucumber on the white glass, She asked: " What is it? " Little John raised his hand, He answered: "A Dildo" Little John was sent out the class, And by came the principal. He asked Little John, Why he was not in class. Little John replied: "I really don't know" The principal brought John back in the class And yelled at the teacher: "Why is Little John out the class? And who drew a dildo on your white glass?" Thunder Buddies (Ted) When you hear the sound of thunder, dont you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: Fuck you, Thunder. You can suck my dick. You cant get me, Thunder, because you're just Gods farts.
  

• Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
  
  Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
  
  Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
  
  Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
  
  And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

• That frustrating moment when your almost done with your cereal and the last five pieces are like, "Haha! catch me if you can"

• Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart. So everybody takes a big whiff.

• Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Ya, I thought so...

• Roses are red
  violets are blue
  i thought i was ugly
  until i saw u

• Nothing like Hurricane Sandy to make me realize what's really important in life, internet access.

• Press kickass if your name is not JEFF

• Dad: Say daddy!
  Baby: Mommy!
  Dad: Come on, say daddy!
  Baby: Mommy!
  Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
  Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
  Mom: Honey, I'm home!
  Baby: F*ck you!
  Mom: Who taught you that?
  Baby: Daddy!
  Dad: Son of a b*tch.

• Kickass if you think that when a new joke comes onto the website that the creators press kickass to make people like it.
  

• Humans use about 10% of their brain. That is not true until you take a f*cking test.
  

• Why did the teacher marry the janitor? Because he swept her off her feet!

• My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

• 3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for christmas bonuses which they do yearly.

  They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.

  They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says "oh yes..come upstairs with me"..without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shagging! Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his 'bonus'. He goes out, tells his mate "go in get your bonus, she'll show you a bloody good time, one hell of a bonus!" He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good fuck.

  When their finished she says "go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus", off he goes and says to the driver- "driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hell of a christmas bonus" so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she takes reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him. He says "what the hell is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!"

  She turns round and explains "I had strict instructions from my husband, he said 'give a fiver (£5) to the driver and fuck the other two!!!'"

• Why do cannibal's hate valentines day?
  They can never find a sweet heart

• Jack and Jill went up a hill,
  So Jack could lick her candy,
  Well Jack got a shock and mouthful of cock,
  'Cause Jill's real name was randy.

• Opinions are like orgasms.
  Mine matters most, and I could care less if you have one.

• How to make a girl furious in 2 steps...
  Step 1, take a picture of her
  Step 2, don't show it to her

• Guy: *pulls out cell phone cuz he got a text*
  ex-girlfriend: i saw a couple on a date today, reminded me of you.
  Guy: i saw some dog shit today, reminded me of you

• Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same " bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?! "

• One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house.

  They were all freaked out and hesitated to go in.

  Eventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of Mickey Mouse appears and says "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"

  Next the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house".

  Finally, the Irishman went in and lifted the fiver and Mickey Mouse popped out again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"

  Then the Irishman said "I'm the ghost of Donald Duck I'll lift this fiver and I'll run like fuck"

• "A good friend bails you out of jail, a true friend is sitting next to you saying 'we screwed up... LETS DO IT AGAIN!"

• A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

  The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

  One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

  The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

  The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

  They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

  The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

  The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

  Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

  The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

• Until 1961 it was illegal to attempt suicide in the UK.
  The punishment was death.

• Once little Johnny heard a grunting noise upstairs. He goes in his parents' room and sees them moving under the blanket . His dad comes out and says "Oh ! Son we were just wrestling ." Little Johnny says "Oh. I"LL BE HULK HOGAN!!" And dives in the bed.

• I banged a girl so hard........................................
  with a hammer.

• Job interview:
  "What's your greatest weakness?"
  "Honesty."
  "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a f*ck what you think."

• i hate it when i'm at the supermarket and someone comes up at you and says: oh hey, what are you doing here?
  and i'm all like oh, you know hunting ELEPHANTS.

• One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
  "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
  "Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

• A horse walks into a bar. He sits down and bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

• Two pieces of bacon are frying in a pan.
  One bacon looks at the other bacon and says "it's hot in here".
  Then the other bacon looks at him and says "Holy crap a talking bacon".

• Bella: You're pale white and ice cold. I know what you are.
  Edward: Say it...Out loud...Say it!
  Bella: A Snowman...

• Jimmy and his mom are walking in the park and they come across a 2 birds f*cking and jimmy asks what are they doing and the mom says there making sandwiches so they keep walking and they see 2 dogs f*cking and jimmy asks what are they doing and the mom says there making sandwiches so they go home and jimmy wakes up in the middle of the night he walks in his parents room and he see's them f*cking so jimmy asks what are you doing the mom says we're making sandwiches and jimmy says then why is there mayonnaise all over your face

• An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

  The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

  On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Dan

• What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
  45 lbs.

• A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half? " The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb. " The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself " Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark? "

• Dad: Why are your eyes so red?
  Son: I was smoking marijuana
  Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot

• My girlfriend is leaving me because she's tired of my over-active imagination.
  Joke's on her! She doesn't even exist!

• When my newborn daughter was born, I decided to name her Bambi. In hopes that someone would shoot her mother.

• One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

  Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

  So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

  For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

  Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

• bro: I wasn't that drunk
  Me: dude you asked your girlfriend if she was single..
  

• “Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without a proper education. I think I'll just march down to the community college and sign up for some classes right now."
  
  Jim does just that. He walks down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
  Jim: Logic? What in tarnation is logic?
  Dean: I'll give you an example! Do you own a weed whacker?
  Jim: Well, yeah.
  Dean: Then, logically speaking, because you own a weed whacker, I presume you have a yard.
  Jim: That's true, I do have a yard. That's mighty impressive!
  Dean: I'm not done. Because you have a yard, I think that, logically speaking, you have a house.
  Jim: Well I'll be darned if I don't!
  Dean: And because you have a house, I think that, logically, you probably have a family.
  Jim: Yeah, I do!
  Dean: So, because you have a family, then, logically, you must have a wife. And because you...
  Jim: That's amazing! You figured that I have a wife because I have a weed whacker!?"
  
  Jim goes runnin' straight back to Bob at the bar and says, "Look what I just learned!" Bob... do you happen to have a weed whacker?
  "Nope, I don't think I do", said Bob.
  Jim exclaims with pride, "Then, logically speaking..." He pauses to think, frowns, then slaps Bob in the back of the head and yells,
  "You piece o' dirt! I told you never to leave her!"

• There was a Swedish, Danish and a Norwegain lost in the desert. They eventually found an oasis with a diving board. By that oasis, there was a genie. The genie said that they get to wish what's going to be in the oasis while jumping off of the diving board.
  
  The Norwegian went first. He jumped and said: "Money!", and landed in a pile of money.
  
  The Danish went second. He jumped and said: "Beer!", and landed in a pool of beer.
  
  The Swedish went last. He was going to act cool, but slipped and yelled: "OH SHIT!"

• A Christmas Poem

  'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

  The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

  The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

  It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

  Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

  When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

  Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

  The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

  When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

  With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

  Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

  And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

  Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

  Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

  They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

  And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

  I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

  His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

  That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

  He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

  I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

  Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

  The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

  A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

  A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

  A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

  This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

  He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

  He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

  In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

  The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

• Roses are red,
  Violets are blue.
  He's for me,
  Not for you,
  If by chance,
  You take my place,
  I'll take my fist, And smash your face.

• Dora: what was your favorite part?
  Me: well my favorite part was...
  Dora: I liked that part too
  Me: Bitch let me finish

• A midget bought a book, 'How to make yourself taller.'
  She stood on it.

• I'm sending the woman I'm dating a drawing of our wedding.
  And on the other side of the page her funeral so she knows what her options are.

• My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining.
  If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in.

• An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.

  He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

  "Notice anything?", He said.

  "All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.

  "Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

  "Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Donybee

• Last Christmas I gave you my heart...
  ...so I've been dead for a year now.

• Boy and girl: asked the teacher very important question?
  "can kids of our age have kids?"
  Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
  Boy said to girl :
  "see i told you not to worry!!!!

• That moment when you're talking a test and you want everyone to know you're ahead so you flip the page as loud as possible.

• I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

• I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening.
  It's called bitches & hoes.

• Q:Why was the fish lonley?
  A:Because it was selfish.°

• What concert only costs 45 cent? 50cent plus nickel back

• A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

  "What?" said the puzzled groom.

  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

  "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

  Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

  Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

  Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

  Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

  Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

  Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

  Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

  Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

  Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

  "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

  "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

• Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
  Student: "Meat!"
  Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
  Student: "Bacon!"
  Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
  Student: "Homework!"

• Go to google, and see what happens when you search these items:
  1. Do a barrel roll
  2. Askew
  3. Tilt
  2 and 3 kinda do the same thing
  Enjoy!!

• Hit kickass if you think [SW234] is a fag who is trying to get fame for his lame ass jokes :)

• BEER
  the cause of and solution to all of the problems of life
  - Homer J. Simpson

• when you go to a party find the ugliest girl and when she starts to look hot, go home, alone

• Jerk: hey your mom was really happy last night.
  me: i know .
  jerk: ya i f**** her !
  me: so you weren't home last night?
  jerk:ya why
  ME: cause while i was doing your sister last night your mom heard and walked in. she told me that she thought you were f*cking your sister again

• Son: Dad, I need some money to go to 50 cent's concert.
  Dad: Is your mother home?
  Son: Yeah why?
  Dad: Tell her to give you a dollar, and take your sister too. Son: Dad! He's a rapper 50 cent is just his rapper name the concert isn't actually 50 cents!
  Dad: Oh.. never mind you can't go then.
  

• Q: Is seri a boy or a girl? A: Boy because whenever you tell it something it never listens to you and does the wrong search.

• If Mexicans are known to sell drugs, what is really in Dora's backpack. I've always thought that girl seemed a little Too happy.

• A chemistry teacher set a question which was, mention three gases u know.
  Answer: tier gas, fabregas, Bogas

• If you want to find out who loves you more and loyal. Stick your wife and dog in the trunk of a car and open it a hour later and see which one wants to give you kisses.

• Teacher: Ok billy, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
  Student: I wanna be the president!
  Teacher: I don't thing you cann
  Billy: BITCH, YOU SAID I COULD BE ANYTHING I WANTED!
  (/ÒoÓ)/

• A boy walked into the classroom. The teacher looked at him. "Where were you?" The teacher asked.
  "On top of Blueberry Hill." The boy answered.
  Another boy came in a few minutes later. "Where were you?" The teacher asked.
  "On top of Blueberry Hill." The boy answered.
  A few minutes later, a girl came in. "Lemme guess, you were on top of Blueberry Hill too." The teacher said.
  "No, I am Blueberry Hill." The girl answered.

• Guy: Hey dude I just saw this awesome movie the wife is brutally killed by a cold blooded killer and the son gets really hurt Then there's a twist and the son is kidnapped the father then begins a quest to find and save his son with the help of a mental ill female.
  Girl: Sounds epic what's it called?
  Guy: Finding Nemo
  Girl:LOL !!!

• On Halloween, hoes were knocking on my door, dressed as hoes, calling them costumes

• Mother said to the father "please have a word our son, I found a stack of porno magazines under his bed."
  The father walks into the son's bed room "Son you must stop looking at porno magazines, they'll make you go blind."
  "I'm over here dad".

• Jingle Bells, iPad Smells,
  iTouch Bores the Day,
  iPhone Sucks, What the Fuck,
  ANDROID ALL THE WAY

• Teachers are dumb af
  Student: Can I go to the toilet?
  Teacher: To do what?
  Student: To slaythe magic dragon, what the f*ckkk

• This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

  The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

  The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

  So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

  So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

  The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

  So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

  So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

  The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

  So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

  When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

   

• A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
  Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
  That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

• Mom- Hey what does idk and ttly mean?
  Son *I don't know* * Talk to you later*. Mom- No one does! I'll go ask your sister.

• Teacher: Could you give these papers to the teacher over there?
  Guy: I could, but I don't want to.
  Teacher: ...
  Guy: It's a question, right?

• A man walks into a bar, he asks for two shots the bar tender says to him we have a deal going on right now. The man replys whats the deal man? the bar tender says to him if you can drink this half gallon of whiskey in five minutes and keep it down for another five minutes, then go out back and pull the angry alligators tooth out and then lastly up stairs is a woman who has never had an orgasim if you give her one and do the other two things in that order you can eat and drink here for free forever. The man said that sounds tough but I will try it any way so he chugs the whiskey drinks it in time and keep it down then goes out back about twenty minutes go by the people in the bar hear screaming and just pure pain the man walks back into the bar all tore up bleeding stumbling drunk and what not and looks over at the bar tender and says now where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled.

• Dear McDonalds cashier,
  Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal.
  Sincerely, don't forget the toy b*tch!!

• Last week, my girlfriend and i were in bed kissing passionately and getting sensual. As our passion began to heat'up, she said..... "NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".
  
  I screamed "WHAT??!!" "What Was That?!"
  
  She replied...."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man".
  She further added...."Can't you just love me for who i am, and not what i do for you in the bedroom?".
  
  Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i just went to sleep.
  
  The next day, i decided to cancel going to school so that i could spend time with her.
  We went out and had a nice lunch, then i took her shopping at a very big boutique.
  I walked around with her as she tried on several expensive outfits.
  She couldn't decide which one to take, so i told her we would just buy them all.
  
  She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so i surprised her by telling her to just get a pair of shoes for each cloth she selects.
  
  We went over to the jewelry section where she picked'out a pair of gold earrings.
  She was so excited, she also asked for a Bracelet and a Wrist'Watch, and i surprised her further when i replied..."That's Okay Honey, You Can Have Them All".
  
  She was on'top of the world from all the excitement.
  Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said...."I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
  
  I could hardly contain myself when i replied her...."NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT".
  
  Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT"??!!.
  
  I further said...."Honey I Just Want You To Hold Those Things For A While". "You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
  
  Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, i further added....
  "Why can't you just love me for who i am, and not for the things i buy you?".
  
  Apparently she won't allow me touch her this night either, but at least she knows am smarter than her.

• KickAssHumor.com: If you like most of the jokes or think that this is a kickass website, then rate this kickass, please, to show how good this website is!

• How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
  

• Two engineering nerds were walking across their college campus. One of them had a bike:
  
  Nerd 1: Where did you get that bike, man; it looks pretty well made.
  
  Nerd 2: Yesterday I saw a beautiful woman riding this bike in the park, and I winked at her. She came over, threw the bike down, took off her clothes, and said to me 'take what you want'.
  
  Nerd 1: Wow, that's great! Wise choice too! I'm proud of you, dude.
  
  Nerd 2: Why? It was a simple choice.
  
  Nerd 1: Well, I thought it might have been pretty tempting.
  
  Nerd 2: Not at all; I bet the clothes wouldn't have even fit me.

• 3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

• A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” asked the cop. “Well, because I’m drunk you Dick!" "I could go to jail!"
  

• A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

• "So how can we make the Xbox 360 better this time around?"
  "Minus 359"
  "That's f*cking brilliant Jim"

• Why are gay people such great dressers?
  Cause they've spent alot of time in the closet.
  *slaps random fat kid*

• At any given time, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

• Why doesn't Pakistan have an international football team? Because each time they get a corner, they open a shop.

• there were three criminals and one priest. the first criminal enters the church and says: "i did something horrible on the 15th of January" the priest asks him "well what did you do?" the burgler says "i raped a woman" so the priest tells him to go bathe in holy water and go pray. The very next day the 2nd criminal comes to the priest and says the same thing except he killed a man on the 16th of January, so the priest tells him to go bathe in holy water and pray too. The very next day, Finally the 3rd criminal comes to the priest and says "I DID SOMETHING REALLY REALLY BAD" the priest says "well what did you do?" and the criminal answers: "on the 14TH of January................................... i urinated in the holy water"

• LinkedIn sends too many emails so I...
  > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn
  > Delete email account
  > Sell house, live in woods
  > Find bottle in river
  > Has note inside
  > It's from LinkedIn

• I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

• To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things...
  1) You tried your best.
  2) I don't like pickles on my BigMac.

• "How much for the Horse tornado?" "Sir, that's a carousel."
  "I must have one"

• Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside. He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson, "Do you really sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

  Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

  "How much?" asked Paddy.

  "Three quid." replied the salesperson.

  "Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as larry. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

  He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"

  The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

• What does a baby computer call its dad?
  Data.

• A man won the lottery and came home, told his wife,
  "Honey, pack your clothes, I won the lottery"
  "Oh, where are we going?" she said. The man replied,
  "Your going to stay at your mother's house for 2 months."

• Totally do this to your friends!
  Me:I bet I could get you to say blue
  Friend:no you can't
  Me:what are the colors of American flag?
  Friend:red,white and another color
  Me:HA!I told you I could get you to say red!
  Friend:but you where trying to make me say blue!
  Me: HA! Gotcha!
  Friend:Damnit!

• A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
  In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
  
  To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
  
  So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
  
  In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).
  
  He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:
  
  "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

• During a math exam:
  *finishes problem* I got 521.5
  Choices: A) 12 B) 14 C) 17

• Remember kids if a stranger offers you drugs. Say thank you, because drugs are expensive.

• Lawyers should never ask a Georgia
  grandma a question if they aren’t
  prepared for the answer.
  In a trial, a Southern small-town
  prosecuting attorney called his first
  witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
  woman to the stand. He approached her
  and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know
  me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do
  know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
  since you were a boy, and frankly,
  you’ve been a big disappointment to me.
  You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
  manipulate people and talk about them
  behind their backs. You think you’re a
  big shot when you haven’t the brains to
  realize you’ll never amount to anything
  more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
  know you.’
  The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing
  what else to do, he pointed across the
  room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you
  know the defense attorney?’
  She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve
  known Mr. Bradley since he was a
  youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he
  has a drinking problem. He can’t build a
  normal relationship with anyone, and
  his law practice is one of the worst in
  the entire state. Not to mention he
  cheated on his wife with three different
  women. One of them was your wife.
  Yes, I know him.’
  The defense attorney nearly died.
  The judge asked both counselors to
  approach the bench and, in a very quiet
  voice, said,
  ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she
  knows me, I’ll send you both to the
  electric chair.
  

• An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

  The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

  The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

  The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

  "Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

  "Sure", Says the Englishman.

  The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

  The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

  About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

  The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

  The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

• If you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg?
  * You only get laid once.
  * You only get eaten once.
  * It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft.
  * You share your box with 11 other guys.
  * But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

  So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!

  Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay, I mean day.

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Angelo S.

• Two men are changing in a locker room when one notices a cork up the other guy's ass, so he asks him, "How'd you get that cork up your ass?" And the guy says, "Well I was walking on the beach when I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and a genie popped out and said, "I am a genie, I will grant you one wish." So I said "No shit?"

• Man: Is there any way for long life? Doctor: Get married!
  Man: Will it help? Doctor: No, but the thought of long life will never come!!!

• An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
  
  However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
  
  As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.
  
  The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
  
  The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
  
  The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
  
  "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
  
  "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
  
  The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

• Saying "Oh ,Yeah I get it" just so the teacher walks away

• IDIOT TEST:
  What's the color that starts with "W"...
  WHITE
  What's the color of a normal cloud...
  WHITE
  What's the color of salt...
  WHITE
  Here is a white puppy what color was it...
  WHITE
  What do cows drink?
  MILK?
  NOPE WATER!

• And the Lord said unto John 'Come forth and receive eternal life'
  But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

• A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .
  The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :
  When I born, I black.
  When I grow up, I black.
  When I go in sun, I black.
  When I cold, I black.
  When I scared, I black.
  When I sick, I black.
  And when I die, I still black.
  
  You white folks:
  When you born, you pink.
  When you grow up, you white.
  When you go in sun, you red.
  When you cold, you blue.
  When you scared, you yellow.
  When you sick, you green.
  When you bruised, you purple.
  And when you die, you gray.

• Me and my ex broke up because we just weren't compatible. See, I'm a Scorpio and she's a b*tch.

• What do you call a bear with no teeth ....
  A gummy bear

• Why are goldfish the only snack that smiles back?
  They're baked.

• whoever said nothing is impossible obviously never tried stapling water to a tree

• I asked my girlfriend what movie my dick reminded her of...
  She replied, "Chicken Little"

• I sold some crack today, the undercover cop liked it so much that he gave me 2 silver bracelets and a ride in the backseat to his club house...we even took pictures

• Boy : Marry me.. ?
  Girl: Do you have a house..?
  Boy : No..
  Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?
  Boy : No..
  Girl: How much is your salary.. ?
  Boy : No salary.. but,..
  Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i
  marry you.??
  Leave please.!
  Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3
  property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I
  still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the
  salary when actually I am the BOSS

• You know when a comeback is bad..
  When you have to explain it

• What do you call the first chicken on the sun?
  Fried Chicken

• a guy is walking when suddenly falls and injures his hand. on his way to the hospital, he sees this huge ad on a new machine,the ad claimed that the machine is able to diagnose any disease and write treatment plans for it only by taking urine sample. the man walks to the machine puts a penny in it and then gives the sample. after a few beeps, a note comes out "your hand's tendon is injured, don't put it under any stress and exercise". the man was amazed and decides to mess with the machine, so when he reaches home, he takes a bottle, then pours some water in it, then makes his dog urinate in it, and then sees his daughter's chewed gum on floor so puts it on the bottle also, and finally to sum it up, masturbates in the bottle. then heads towards the machine and gives the sample to the machine. after 10 minutes of strange noises and sounds that machine made, a note comes out "your water pipe will clog soon, be sure to fix it. your dog will die in 2 weeks, be prepared for it. your daughter is pregnant, go beat the boy living upstairs. and if u keep masturbating like this, your injured tendon won't heal!"

• Your breath smells like
  Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass! STOP! Now chew that mutha-fucking bubble gum!

• Roses are red
  Violets are blue
  Vodka costs less
  Than dinner for two

• a guy is creating a yahoo account
  Sets password as "dick"
  Error says "too short"

• What do you call a gay man with diarrhea?
  A juicy fruit.

• You know, my fat friend did no pick P.E. as a elective... yet every time it's lunch time, he runs fast and is first in line!

• Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

  A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

  Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

  Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

  And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

• Broccoli: "I look like a tree."
  Walnut: "I look like a brain. "
  Mushroom: "I look like an umbrella."
  Banana: "Dude! Change the topic..."

• Me: *randomly walks up to Chinese person*. "Chow tang wong."
  Chinese person: *nods, points to the bathroom*.

• "Careful, there's poop on the dance floor." (How ballet was invented)

• Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.

• I've been called worse by better

• Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug

• My girlfriend feels that someday I'm Gona trade her in for another younger model Tbh i highly doubt that anyone would take her as a trade in.