Animal Jokes

• Q: What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?A: ‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!




• Q:Why don't giraffes like fast food? A:Because they can't catch it!

• Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the
  largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen
  bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.
  Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE
  don't stand near the elephant's backside ... MADAM ... MADAM ..., too
  late; George, dig her out." 

• What is a moo hoo for a cow fight? A cattle battle.

• Q: How did the frog die?
  A: He Kermit suicide.

• Jim: "Why are you crying?"
  Bob: "My parrot drank gasoline and died."
  Jim: "I'm sorry. So you're sad because it died?"
  Bob: "No, I'm sad because he drank my gallon of gas!"

• Great big polar bear(she says what?) It broke the ice!

• Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
  
  He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check."
  
  "By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
  
  When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
  
  But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
  
  However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
  
  To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

• One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading
  two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
  In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
  "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's
  keeper or my keeper's brother."

• Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.

• Ronnie goes to the auction. He notices a parrot that was on auction. Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars.Auctioneer: 50 DollarsVoice: 100 DollarsRonnie: 200 DollarsVoice: 300 DollarsRonnie: 400 DollarsVoice: 750 DollarsRonnie: 800 DollarsAuctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold.Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it."Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you.

• How do you get an elephant out of the water?
  Wet.
  
  How do you get two elephants out of the water?
  One by one.

• Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
  A: A thesaurus.

• There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
  
  The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
  
  The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
  
  Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
  
  The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
  
  

• What’s the difference between cats and dogs? Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

• Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!

• A man walk into a bar and says, "Give me something to drink just no vodka." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies, "Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says, "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much. The man says, "No, Chunks is my dog."

• What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

• You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

• Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
  He doesn't want anyone knowing he's fucking chickens!

• What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way? He whale-d.

• A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian."Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him."How do I do that?" he asked."Carefully," replied the vet.

• What do a walrus and tupperware have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal!

• Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
  A: Because they were watch dogs.

• There was once a wide mouth frog. She had babies and she didn't know what
  to feed them. She went to the cow, talking with her mouth real wide, she
  said, "COW, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" The Cow said, "I feed my babies
  milk." She went on to the horse. Talking with her mouth real wide, she
  said, "HORSE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" "I feed my babies hay." said
  the horse. Finally she came to a snake. Talking with her mouth real wide,
  she said, "SNAKE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" The snake said, "I feed
  my babies wide mouth frogs." So the frog said, with her mouth really
  small, "Oh, is that so."

• Q: Why does a cow wear a bell around its neck?
  A: Because its horns don't work.

• What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.

• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

• How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

• Q: Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend?
  A: Cuz she was a CHEETAH!

• Tom was walking down the street when he sees a funeral procession. At the head was the casket, behind was a man walking a very large dog and behind him were 300 people. Tom walks over to the guy with the dog and asks who’s funeral is this?The man answers, “My mother-in-law’s.” Tom wishes his condolences and asks, “She must of been a very important person, but what’s with the dog?” He answers, “This is the dog that killed her!” So Tom asks, “can I borrow the dog for an hour?” He responds, “Get on line!”

• Me: You wanna a duckdo?
  Friend: What's a duckdo?
  Me: Quack, you stupid f*cker.

• I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg. That'll blow his little mind.

• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

• After leaving a bar, two gay guys saw a dog urinate on a fire hydrant. When the dog finished, he began licking himself. "Boy, I sure wish I could do that!" one guy said to the other.
  "Well, go ahead. He doesn't look too vicious." was the reply.

• What's at the end of Moby Dick? A whale of a time.

• Q: How do birds fly?
  A: They just wing it!

• First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts? Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.

• There’s this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask’s if he needs a ride to town. The guy say’s, yeah. He hop’s in, the driver say’s, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he’s ok, he know’s his way to town. So the driver start’s driving, he get’s up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see’s the camel right behind him. He say’s to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say’s, yeah it’s ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little. The driver speed’s up to about 55 MPH, he’s driving along, and look’s behind him and again see’s the camel. And say’s to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say’s, he’s know’s the way, speed up a little. So the driver speed’s up to 65 MPH. He drive’s for a bit, and look’s behind him, and look’s at the guy and say’s, hey buddy your camel he’s looking pretty rough. The guy say’s, oh yeah, what’s he doing. The driver say’s, well, his ear’s are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say’s, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say’s to the left side. The guy say’s, YOU’D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE’S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!

  Submitted by Harry.

• A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".

• George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.George thought to himself, “On no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.”He opened the door and saw the bird alive!The bird said, “I’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.George said, “Why the change?”The bird answered, “Because I saw what you did to the other bird."

• Why did the chicken cross the road?So he can make you curious.

• Q: What's a bunny's favorite restaurant? A: IHOP.

• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

• A lady boards the bus with her baby. The bus driver looks at the baby and says "that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen!" The lady finds a seat and she is mad as hell. She tells the guy in the seat next to her what the mean bus driver said. The guy tells the lady " 'That was really mean! Go up to the bus driver right now and tell him off. I'll be happy to hold your monkey for you".

• Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
  A: A pork chop.

• The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

• A man runs over a cat. The cat’s address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner. He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers. The man says, ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve just run over your cat. Can I replace it?’ ‘I don’t know,’ replies the old lady. ‘How are you at catching mice?’

• A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.
  He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around
  his head.
  The druggist says "May I help you?"
  The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking
  around."

• Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

• A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

• I've never understood why women love cats.
  Cats are independent, they don't listen,
  they don't come in when you call, they like
  to stay out all night, come home and expect
  to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
  alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
  that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

• A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees
  a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.  He says,
  "What the hell is that all about?"
  
  The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all
  his feathers got  singed off, so the wife made him some
  clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than
  watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his
  pants down with the other."

• A baby seal walked into a club.

• What do you get from a short-legged cow? Dragon milk.

• Girl, we can play zoo..and you can tame my monkey

• A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching
     you!" "who's    there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and    he heard it two    more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber    asked."Cocodora"    said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora"
     said the robber.
     "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.

• A man enters a pet shop. He wants to buy live mice to feed his python. The man saw the cage with a parrot and begins to examine it. In this moment the parrot said,"Your fly is undone."The man blushed. He looked around if anyone sees him and closed his zipper. The parrot said again,"Your pants have a slit back."The man blushed still more and tried to cover his ass with a hand."Your shoelaces are untied", the parrot does not cease.The man bent down to tie his shoelaces."Farted! ... You little fart", the parrot yelled.The man died of shame and fled from the store. At this point the mice called from their cage and said,"Coco, thanks you! You saved our lives again. You know, we'll make it up to you."

• What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times? Two octopuses shaking hands.

• Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

• What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas sleigh and is made of cement? I don't know. A reindeer. What about the cement? I just threw that in to make it hard.

• What happens when you kiss a canary?You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

• Q: Why did the fat turkey cross the road?A: To get hit by my car.

• If I had a rooster and you had a donkey, and my rooster got his foot stuck in your donkeys butt, what would you have? Two feet of my c*ck in your ass.

• Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?To get to the other side… er, no… to go shopping… no, not that either… damn it!

• A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer. About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

• What does a frog say when it sees something' great?Toadly awesome!

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• Q: What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
  A: "Dam."

• A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.”The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”

• Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?Boy: I tried it once, but their a**holes are too small.

• Jason gets off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocks on his blind date's door. She opens it and is very beautiful and charming. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she says. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog follows Jason onto the balcony and starts rolling over. John makes a hoop with his arms and Spot jumps through, over the balcony railing. Just then, Jason's date walks out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replies, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

• Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

• Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
  A: Its butt.

• Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

• What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
     1) You only get laid once.
     2) You only get eaten once.
     3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
     4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
     5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
    

• What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.

• How do you stop a skunk from smelling?You hold his nose!

• Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

• Which day do chickens hate the most?
  Friday

• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

• Many times do you have to tickle a squid to Make it laugh? Ten tickles ! Lol
  

• I got a cat the other day. I had to swerve, but I got it.

• What band is a cow favorite? Moody Blues.

• Pick up line: "Are you a beaver because damn!"

• Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

• What do you call a bear with no teeth?(A gummy bear!)

• What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A tiger moth.

• What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
     1) You only get laid once.
     2) You only get eaten once.
     3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
     4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
     5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
    

• What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

• What fur do we get from a tiger?As fur as possible!

• Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe." Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

• Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
  A: Sheep.

• 1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

  2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

  3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

  4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

  a. Don’t pee on the tree

  b. Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree

  c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

  d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open

  e. Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

  5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
  a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans

  b. Don’t eat off the buffet table

  c. Beg for goodies subtly

  d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa

  e. Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

  6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

  a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important)

  b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house

  c. Tolerate children

  d. Turn on your charm big time

  7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
  DON’T BITE HIM!!

  Submitted by Harry.

• A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

• They say guys are dogs & girls are cats.
  That is true 100%, a dog will take a shit anywhere it needs to and not worry about cleaning after it, same as a guy that will get with another girl and not worry too much about covering his ass. Cats will do their dirt and the second they finish they will start to cover it or bury it in the sand, same as a girl that will get with a guy and as soon as she finishes she will try to cover it up in the best way for the guy not to ever find out about it. Hence the comparison of a guy to a dog and a girl to a cat
  

• What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday? A merry dairy.

• Rabbit: "I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I m all out of carrots. What should I do?" Friend: "Don't worry; be hoppy!"

• Lara Rabbit: "Do you think that's Sophie's natural color?" Zara Rabbit: "Only her hare dresser knows for sure."

• Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!

• I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

• A guy meets a hooker in a bar.She says, "This is your lucky night.I’ve got a special game for you.I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

• A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

• What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?A cock that stays up all night.

• There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?""Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.""You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!""Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?""I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!""Help me please, please help!"

• Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

• What kind of car does a rabbit drive?
  A furrari

• A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.He says, “What the hell is that all about?”The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”

• A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
  
  "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
  
  "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
  
  Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
  
  Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
  
  The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
  
  She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
  
  

• Hey baby, I heard that rabbits, can make 150 babies a year, how many do you think we can make in an hour?

• In order to start my deer breeding business I'm going to need at least 5,000 bucks. *slaps deer with money*

• How do you know when there's a rabbit in your bed? You can smell the carrots on his breath.

• What do you do with a dog that doesn’t have any legs? You take him for a drag.

• Whats the difference in a seagull and a babys diaper?A seagull flits across the shore and a baby shits across the floor.

• Q: Why is the old, worn out horse named Flattery?A: Because it gets you nowhere.

• A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar
  in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
  which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
  to the parking meter?"
  A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body
  hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on
  his stool, looked down at the quivering little man
  and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
  "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,
  "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
  "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
  hell kind of dog do you have?"
  "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old
  puppy."
  "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
  Doberman?"
  "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

• ‘Do you know if pigs have periods?' ‘Are you kidding me? What idiot would keep a pig until she's 14?'

• How can you tell that elephants have been doing it in your garage?All your Hefty Bags are missing.

• What is a moo hoo for steak that came late? Filet delay.

• Q: Why don't Batman and Robin go fishing?
  
  A: Because Robin eats all the worms.

• A farmer was bragging. "I've got 350 sheep." "That's a lot of sheep," said another farmer. "And I've got 500 chickens," bragged the farmer. "That's a lot of chickens," answered the second farmer. "And 40 bulls," added the farmer. The other farmer replied, "Boy! That IS a lot of bull."

• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

• What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down?
  It gets toad away.

• How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!

• I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk. But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?

• A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.""What do they say?" the priest inquired."They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly."That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time.""Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

• Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws? It costs an arm and a leg to eat there.

• Did you hear about the aristocratic horse? He was the last of his race!

• Why was cow afraid?He was a cow-herd.

• A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible.Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail. The snail says, "Hey man, what did you do that for?!"

• A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
     communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
     thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
     specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
     notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
     onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
     is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
     The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
     I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
     The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
     The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
     If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
     The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
     comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
     won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
     home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
     and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
     The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
     came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
     her right on the lips."
     The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
     The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
     did??!"
     The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
     on her breasts."
     The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
     The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

• What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Ell-if-I-no (Hell if I know).

• A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

  There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

  “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

  The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

  One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

  They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

  After a week the parrot finally said, “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

  Submitted by Harry.

• If you're having a bad day just remember, in the movie Airbud some kid got kicked off the basketball team and was replaced by a golden retriever.

• An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat. "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously. "Oh certainly, ma am," said the manager smoothly. "After all, you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"

• *At pet store*
  Me: Hey look its Nemo!
  Worker: Sir, that's a clown fish.
  Me: Bitch, that's a Nemo!

• That tornado damage your cow barn any? Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet.

• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

• A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, finally the bear says, "excuse me ,do you have problems with crap sticking to your furr when you go?" The rabbit replies, "WHY NO".....so then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

• Boy: Have u ever been fishing before Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!

• What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter.

• Q: What says "Eoo?"
  A: A cow with no lips.

• One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
     discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the  mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The  mouse repeated   his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very   excited by this,  was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up  his wife but   before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her  head with the  blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell   you about this."
     "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
     you!"

• A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local
  grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.
  The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly,
  asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
  "Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!"
  "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
  powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
  In fact, it might even kill him."
  But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
  to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still
  tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
  
  About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
  candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
  "Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.
  The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was
  sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
  that detergent on your dog!"
  "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
  that killed him."
  "Oh? What was it then?"
  "I think it was the spin cycle!"

• A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
     me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They
     must be gods!
     A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
     me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
     must be a god!

• What's a moo hoo for grazing school? Grass class.

• An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

• Q: How do you put an elephant into a Safeway bag?
  A: You take the "f" out of safe & the "f" out of way- wait, there's no "f" in way!

• What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless.

• Q: What do you get when you cross donkey DNA with an onion?A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

• A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. Im all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. Im all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. Were all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I m feeling **** cold and freezing!"

• A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"

• A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" The man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain.One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

• What do you call a cow with no legs?
  Ground beef

• what do crabs smoke?
  seaWEED

• Q:Why do ducks have webbed feet?A:To stamp out fires.Q:Why do elephants have flat feet?A:To stamp out burning ducks

• What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?Dam.

• Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet?
  
  
  
        They step on you and you're screwed

• What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?A rubbit!

• What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!

• How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?You hang up a bingo sign!

• Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
  
  A: To get to the udder side.

• What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.

• Guy: what mouse walks on two legs?
  guy #2: IDK
  guy: mickey mouse, what duck walks on two legs?
  guy #2: donald duck!
  guy: all ducks dumbass

• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

• A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no
  one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a
  little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and
  throws it across the street into a field.
  
  Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his
  door. He opens it up and no one is there.
  
  He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail
  sitting on the doormat.
  
  The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all
  about?"

• How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? Look for gray hares.

• Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
  Because he doesn't want anyone to know that he's been screwing chickens.
  

• Senior Manager Style
  
  Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
  the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but
  with deeper voices.

• Did you hear about the argumentative skunk? He always liked to make a stink.

• Hi, Can I domesticate you?

• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

• There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle."Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks."When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied."Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe."Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

• Why do gorillas have large nostrils? Because they have fat fingers.

• What did the bee say to the flower? "Hi, honey."

• I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

• What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
  It gets toad away.

• My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house

• A man went to a restaurant, sat down, and there was a frog at the table. He asked him what he had to eat, and the frog replied, "Riblets."

• There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ”That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.”His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ”but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.”Her husband says ”Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”

• How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

• Fed up with failure in preventing coyotes from killing his sheep, a rancher brought out his rifle to eliminate the pack. Suddenly, a federal bureaucrat rushed up and breathlessly screamed, "Wait, there's no need to do that. We've developed a new drug that renders them impotent." "I don't know what y`all do in Washington," drawled the rancher taking aim again, "but out here the coyotes eat the sheep."

• Q: What is a black cat's favorite color? A: Purrrrrr-ple!

• How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed.

• What kind of cows do you find in Alaska? Eski-moos.

• What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?(A drizzly bear!)

• A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
  passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
  little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
  crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I
  wish you could talk."
  The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and
  down.
  
  "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
  
  Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
  
  "Well, did you see this?"
  "Yes," motioned the monkey.
  "What happened?"
  
  The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
  up by his mouth.
  
  "They were drinking?" asked the officer.
  "Yes."
  "What else?"
  
  The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his
  mouth.
  "They were smoking marijuana?"
  "Yes."
  "What else?"
  
  The monkey motioned "Screwing."
  "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
  "Yes."
  "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
  and screwing before they wrecked."
  "Yes."
  "What were you doing during all this?"
  "Driving" motioned the monkey.

• What do you call explosive cow vomit? A cud missle.

• A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!” Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!” Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “Bullshit, come!” Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.Bullshit immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.

• How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.

• What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks

• And God said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road."

• In Noah’s ark, on day 3 the animals could no longer hold their sexual desire, so they started having sex with one another.But Noah got really angry cause the Ark started shaking dangerously and he decided that it was time to put things in order.So he ordered that every male should get a card stating the name of his wife and the days they were allowed to mate. So they did…After a couple of days, during breakfast in the Ark’s cafeteria the monkey said to his wife:"You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"The female monkey felt really ashamed because all of the animals heard her husband…The day after, the male monkey said to his wife again: "You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"The female monkey feeling really confused, told Noah what had happened, so Noah called the male monkey in his office and asked for an explanation.“You kinky monkey! Why do you insist on disgracing your wife in front of all the other animals?” said Noah“I am not kinky sir”, said the monkey “I’m just warning her because I lost my card at a poker game and now the elephant has it…”

• Dog Property Laws1. If I like it, it's mine.2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.8. If I saw it first, its mine.9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.10. If its broken, its yours.

• How do elephants hide in the jungle?
  Paint their balls red and pretend they are cherries!
  What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
  Monkeys eating cherries...

• Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words.

• Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle.“That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.“My, my,” said the Poodle.“I guess it’s hopeless.That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua.He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... “Liver alone. Cheese mine."

• Q: What does a pig put on its paper cut? A: Oinkment!

• Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

• Q: What do you call a T-Rex's bruise? A: A dino-sore.

• What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? Claws.

• What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!

• Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

• Why is turtle wax so expensive? Because they have such small ears.

• Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant’s toes?A: Slow clowns.

• What Did The Buffalo Say To His Son When He Left For College?
  Bison.

• Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

• Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a lambrogini? A: Procupines have pricks on the outside.

• A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

• Why do lions always eat raw meat? "Because they don't know how to cook."

• Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.

• What is the cheapest meat you can buy?Deer balls. There under a buck.

• Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? They couldn't get the moose in the oven!

• Two guys meet:"Where were you lost my friend? says one of them.""Well, I took my kids to the zoo...""And what kind of animals did you see there?""The tiger... Huge and Scary! Full of stripes... Slowly walking inside the cage. She was “ahgrrr...”"Are you kidding me men? The tiger doesn’t go “ahgrrr..” … She “grrrrsss..”!"Right, ok.. But when you get too close to her face... !"

• Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side…

• Why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more thanksgiving dinner?He was already stuffed!

• The mouse and the elephant pas together over a bridge, very proud the mouse says:Do you hear how the bridge vibrates under OUR footsteps?

• What gives milk and has a horn? A milk tank.

• A man has his car full of penguins. He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him. He says."Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!" The man does that. The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins. Once again he drives past the policeman. "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" "I did," replies the man. "We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"

• A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
  We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
  
  I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked.
  
  “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

• I cooked Pancakes this morning. I was thrilled but my kids weren't. Apparently he was their favorite rabbit.

• What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven.

• A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this."

• One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken."That"s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?""I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

• Penguins are just panda chickens

• Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

• Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

• Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.

• What is a Zebra? A Z-bra is 25 sizes bigger than an A-bra.

• What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air? A seahorse.

• What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
  Swim for it...
  .......
  ...What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
  Swim for it...

• dog owner: max i am sick of you shitting all over the lawn
  Max the dog: well i don't complain when you take shits in my water bowl

• Which rabbits were famous bank robbers? Bunny and Clyde.

• Question: What do you get when you cross a shark and a parrot?Answer: a creature that talks your ear off.

• How are tigers like sergeants in the army? They both wear stripes.

• What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house? The Lizard of Oz.

• What sound does a horny toad make?
  RUB IT, RUB IT

• My cat can talk. I asked her what two minus two was and she said nothing.

• What did the dog say to the hot dog bun? "Are you pure bred?"

• For our daughters 5th birthday we bought her a rabbit.We couldn’t help laughing when on the way she announced "the rabbit’s name is Sparingly.""How do you know?" I asked "look" she responded "it says “feed sparingly 3 times daily."

• Q: Why do milking stools only have three legs?
  A: Because the cow’s got the udder!

• What's a skunk's favourite game in school? Show and smell.

• How does a frog confuse you?When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.

• What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

• Why don't cows ever have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry.

• Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work.

• Why are worms great at poker? They have five hearts.

• Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % sure you'll stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
  A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.

• You said this horse could jump as high as a ten foot fence and he can't jump at all. Well neither can a fence!

• Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?
  A: Because they have their own scales.

• Q. What do frogs do with paper?A. Rip-it!

• One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing
  him there, decides to investigate.
  "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying
  him."
  "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
  Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**kin' cat!'

• Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire?A: He got arrested just like you would've.

• Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it.""Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?""Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator."Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?""Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.""Same here. Hm. How do you catch 'em?""Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!""Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

• Q: Why do fish live in to the salt water?A: For the reason that pepper makes them sneeze!

• Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
  A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

• Theres only one thing better than the cutest cat in the world.
  A Dog.

• A giraffe walks into a bar and lies on the floor. The bartender says, "Whats that a lyin' on the floor?" Another bargoer replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

• A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he
     had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
     'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a  wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
     'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild
     rabbits?
     'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.
     Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted
     so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.
     'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots
     growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'
     This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
     succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
     Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'
     'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
     as well.'
     The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
     completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
     One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
     'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the  far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.'
     Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little
     heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
     'That was fantastic,' he panted.
     'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
     'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
     The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought
     you liked it here.'
     'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory.
     I'm dying for a cigarette.'

• Why did the farmer feed money to his cow? He wanted rich milk.

• What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial? Odour in court.

• What was the greatest dictator in the ocean? Adolphin Hitler.

• What's a rabbits favorite musical? Hare.

• Why do Koalas get all the good jobs?
  Because they have all the right koalafications

• What does a spider do when he gets angry?He goes up the wall!

• A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

• Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry!

• Q: What would you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?A: A snake in the brass.

• Why do squirrels swim on their back? To keep their nuts dry

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.

• What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow? Cowboom!

• I was rallying to protest against fox hunting when one of the so called hunters came to me and said "don't knock hunting, until you've tried it dear boy." then smugly walked off.
  So, next day i did,
  .. his head is now on my wall.

• A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven’t got the energy." "Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They’re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.Moral of the story:Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there...

• Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?
  It's all over town!

• What do you call a poodle with no legs?A sponge.

• Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications.
  Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant.
  Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion! Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!

• "Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow!""Was it a Jersey cow?""I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"

• How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

• Save the tree, eat a beaver.

• How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
  Two in the front, two in the back.

• There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him.He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.”The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian?Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”

• A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law.The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."

• A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car.The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.The man says: "Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area."Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

• Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

  He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

  The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

  Submitted by Harry.

• A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
     falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
     and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to
     the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's
     Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He
     then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
     drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
     A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
     again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
     the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
     think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of
     the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
     the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
     The moral of the story:
     If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up
     chicks.

• Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

• What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day? A forty-carrot wedding ring.

• What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute
  for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick

• What did the male squirrel say when the female attacked him.....GET AWAY FROM MY NUTS

• Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

• Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up.The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!""I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."

• Where do you take a sick horse? To the horse-pital!!!

• Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, "Forget it, those things taste funny."

• Why did the frog go to the mall?Because he wanted to go hopping.

• Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.

• Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.  He
  surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
  after an encounter with a porcupine.
  
  After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
  returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
  
  "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
  
  "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed.  "That's what's wrong with
  you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.
  Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
  
  "Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

• What is the scariest type of dinosaur? A Terror-dactyle.

• What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?"Dam".....What else could he say when he hit a concrete wall?"dam"....."dmm", "dam", "dam"

• Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?A: A rotisserie chicken.

• Why are sharks mostly salt water creatures? Because pepper would make them sneeze.

• Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
  A: An investigator.

• What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner? Cow chow.

• What kind of cars do rabbits drive? Hop rods.

• What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths? Lefty.

• Psychiatrist: "What’s your problem?"Patient: "I think I’m a chicken."Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"

• A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve ducks here." The duck says, "I'll pay you $20." "Your money isn't good here." "Then put it on my bill."

• A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

  He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

  The storeowner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

  The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you 20 dollars for that cat.”

  And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

  The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”

  The owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

  Submitted by John.

• A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
  
  "An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
  
  "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
  
  The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
  
  The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
  
  "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"
  
  Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
  
  The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
  
  "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
  
  "He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
  
  

• Q: What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
  A: Bugs bunny.

• What's a rabbits favorite song? "Hoppy Birthday to You."

• A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?" "Moses." "What dumbass named you Moses?" "The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

• A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.”The man says, “Well, thank you. I forgive you.”The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?”

• So...I had this rabbit that died of heatstroke after a week and I didn't have a time to name it. So after it died and was on my lap the name came to me...I'll call it floppy!

• Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?"The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."

• A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
  
  Mother: "What does the cow say?"
  
  Child: "Moo!"
  
  Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
  
  Child: "Meow."
  
  Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
  
  And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
  
  

• What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!

• What do you get if you sleep under a cow?
  
  A PAT on the head.

• How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites? They take a gallop poll!

• Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales? He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.

• Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!

• Me: Hey look its Nemo!Worker: Sir, that's a clown fish.Me: Bitch, that's a Nemo!

• How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
  
  Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

• Q: What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet?A: A Lassie who plays brassie!

• 9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
  
  8. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
  
  7. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
  
  6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
  
  5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
  
  4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
  
  3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
  
  2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
  
  and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
  
  1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
  
  

• How do you make a horse laugh? Tell him your schlong is bigger than his. How do you make a horse cry? Show him.

• What is a frogs favorite time?Leap Year!

• It was a hot summer night. Slowly I spread her legs and my hand was trying to find its way to her nipple... I was so excited! I never milked a cow before...

• There are 2 cats. The one two three cat and the un deux trois cat. They had a race across the English Channel. Which cat won? The one two three cat because the un deux trois cat cinq.

• What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

• Q: Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested? A: Charged With Battery.

• Why was the racehorse named Bad News? Because bad news travels fast!

• What are cat-erpillars afraid of? Dog-erpillars.

• This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
     in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
     man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
     service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
     Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
     some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
     gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
     Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
     cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
     on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
     guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
     Chihuahua."

• What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!

• What did the farmer get when he crossed a centipede with a Turkey? 100 Drumsticks.

• Why did the rabbits go on strike?They wanted a better celery.

• Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses? His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!

• A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis." Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."

• Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude? He always said "Neigh"

• Dog rules1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, it's yours.

• There are two types of ostriches - Grey and Blue. Grey ones scared hide their head in the sand. The Blue ones sit in the bushes waiting for this moment.

• Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

• One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?”Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”

• A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods, finally the bear says, "excuse me ,do you have problems with crap sticking to your furr when you go?" The rabbit replies, "WHY NO".....so then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

• What is the definition of "moon"? The past tense of "moo"!

• "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

• What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space? Steer Wars.

• Is that shirt (those pants) mad of camel skin? (No, why?) Cause I noticed the humps!

• There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods...Cats have never forgotten this.Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs...You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!

• Two neighbors are talking to each other. First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me? Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well. First neighbor: Really, well then, how? Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.

• Q: How does a cow sneak off a farm?
  A: Right pasteurize.

• Turtle to turtle: "Don't ya just love the sound of rain on your roof?"

• Why are rabbits like calculators? They both multiply a lot.

• Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?A: They have two left feet.

• What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?A steak-out.

• Q: What is a bee that cant make up his mind?A: A maybe.

• An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant
  wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night
  of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!" 

• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

• What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

• What are the spots on black-and-white cows? Holstaines.

• Which big cat should you never play cards with? A cheetah.

• Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
  A: Because the cows have horns.

• What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast? How slime flies.

• If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have? Plenty of milk.

• Why did the dinosaur have so few friends? Because Tyrannosaurus reeks!

• What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth.

• Where do cows like to ride on trains? In the cow-boose.

• Teacher: Give me an example of animal.Jimmy: FrogTeacher: Give me another.Jimmy: Another Frog.

• Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat? To the calf-ateria.

• A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed. He asks the veterinarian:Is my cat still alive?Still not...

• Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

• A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal.I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed.If it works, everyone buys me drinks."The crowd agrees.The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.Gator closes mouth.After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.It's a woman."I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

• Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock.

• What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn? A Moles Royce.

• What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny? Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift.

• What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.

• A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.” The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?” “He holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered. The man asks ” How much?” “Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?” “he came in the house…” Furiously, the man asked “And then” “…and then he came into the bedroom…” Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?”“He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!”The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”

• What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

• What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick!

• The old mosquito puts the little baby’s to bed and tells them:If you are good, tomorrow I’m going to take you to the nudists.

• Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano?A: Crabs on your organ.

• If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites
  off my roosters feet, what do you have?
  
      Two feet of my cock in your ass.

• Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle? It wants to keep it's Stockholm!

• What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas.

• What do you call a flying skunk? A smellicopter.

• What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
  An elephant is grey.
  
  What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
  "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

• A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"
  
  "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
  
  "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
  
  "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
  
  "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
  
  

• First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.
  
  Second snake:Why?
  
  First snake:Because I bit my lip!

• Why does the chicken is sad?Because his dad is a cock.Why does the chicken is even more sad?Because he faces the same future.

• I've been thinking about you...Owl night long.

• What happened to the cold jellyfish? It set.

• Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!

• I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.

• What do you give a deer with an upset stomach? Elkaseltzer.

• Q: Why didn't the oyster give up his pearl?
  A: Because he was shellfish.

• Why did the dinosaur cross the road?It was the chicken's day off.

• A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

• What do you call a ham you really want? Pork-you-pine!

• What is the most important use for cowhide? To hold the cow together.

• What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain? Stegosaur-rust.

• Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex?A: They have cotton balls.

• Q. What's black and white and green?A. A frog sitting on a newspaper.

• A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
  tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
  since his wife died.
  The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the
  pig is a male or female.
  "No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a
  female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?

• What are the most athletic rodents? Track and field mice.

• How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She’s got that down-in-the-mouth look.

• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

• What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend?
  Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her

• If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch.

• There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was. One day she argued with a lion. The next day was the first of June. Why? Because that was the end of May!

• What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin? Pingu-Pong.

• What to polar bears eat for lunch?(Ice berg-ers!)

• Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup."Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"

• What's the difference between a bull and a cow?
  
  A bull smiles when you milk it.

• A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

• Why don't animals play poker in Africa?
  Because they're cheetahs.

• Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus

• Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.

• Q: What has four legs and an arm?
  A: A happy pit bull.
  
  Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
  A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.
  
  Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
  A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
  
  Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
  A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!
  
  Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
  A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.
  
  Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
  A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
  
  Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
  A: Elephino.
  
  

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

• Q: What does a cheetah say when someone looks at it?
  A: "I've been spotted!"

• What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?It got toad!!

• Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

• Q: Did you hear about the promiscuous reptile?
  A: It got gator AIDS.

• If you make a cow angry, how will she get even? She'll cream you.

• Why are cows made for dancing? They re all born hoofers.

• Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

• Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
  A: Spoiled milk.

• What happens when you drop a whale on thin ice? Her: What? You: It breaks the ice. Hi, i'm (your name)

• Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit? It was an inn-grown hare.

• Is it just me, or do alligators always look like they are in the middle of a push-up?

• A bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what about the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them."

• A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.
  He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.
  "Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.
  "No," she said, not until recently. "I've been f**king a lot doggie
  style."
  "Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."
  "I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd f**ks."

• Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

• What do you call a dog with no legs?It does not matter, it's not going to come

• Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*uck the cat."

• What types of bees make milk?
  Boobees !

• A rabbit walks up to a bear that's sitting next to a tree. The bear asks the rabbit, "Excuse me, but do you have a problem with sh*t being on your fur?" The rabbit, thinking for a moment, replies, "No, not at all." So the bear picks up the rabbit, and wipes his ass with him.

• They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

• Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

• A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he
  said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do
  you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such
  animal."
  Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he
  pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,
  never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in
  America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten
  times."
  "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for
  just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all
  his lies."

• Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The
     first mouse slams
     down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into
     one on purpose and as
     it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty
     times." And with that
     he slams another shot.
     The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
     those Decon
     tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with
     that he slams another
     shot.
     The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
     two mice look at
     each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell
     are you going?"
     The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f**k the cat."

• Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
  
  DAY ONE
  
  Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
  
  Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
  
  Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
  
  Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
  
  DAY TWO
  
  Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
  
  Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
  
  Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
  
  Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
  
  DAY THREE
  
  Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
  
  Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
  
  Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
  
  FINAL DAY
  
  Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
  
  Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
  
  Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
  
  

• One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes." The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails." The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

• What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass? "Hey! Look at the cow's nest!"

• What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand? Cows-mopolitan!

• Q: How do fish get high?
  A: Seaweed.
  

• Law of Cat Inertia
  
  A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
  
  Law of Cat Motion
  
  A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
  
  Law of Cat Magnetism
  
  All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
  
  Law of Cat Thermodynamics
  
  Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
  
  Law of Cat Stretching
  
  A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
  
  Law of Cat Sleeping
  
  All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
  
  Law of Cat Elongation
  
  A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
  
  Law of Cat Obstruction
  
  A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
  
  Law of Cat Acceleration
  
  A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
  
  Law of Dinner Table Attendance
  
  Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
  
  Law of Rug Configuration
  
  No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
  
  Law of Obedience Resistance
  
  A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
  
  First Law of Energy Conservation
  
  Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
  
  Second Law of Energy Conservation
  
  Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
  
  Law of Refrigerator Observation
  
  If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
  
  Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
  
  Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
  
  Law of Random Comfort Seeking
  
  A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
  
  Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
  
  All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
  
  Law of Cat Embarrassment
  
  A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
  
  Law of Milk Consumption
  
  A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
  
  Law of Furniture Replacement
  
  A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
  
  Law of Cat Landing
  
  A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
  
  Law of Fluid Displacement
  
  A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
  
  Law of Cat Disinterest
  
  A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
  
  Law of Pill Rejection
  
  Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
  
  Law of Cat Composition
  
  A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
  
  

• One goldfish to his tankmate: "If there's no God, who changes the water?"

• Why don't whales eat sushi very often? Of course whales like sushi. It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.

• Squirrels – nature's speed bumps.

• Why, when the birds fly in the shape of a V, one line is shorter than the other? Because one line has more birds in it, duh.

• Two guys go hunting.  Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
  hunted all his life.
  
  When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
  sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
  After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
  blood-curdling scream.
  
  He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
  quiet!"
  
  Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.  When those snakes crawled
  over me, I didn't make a sound.  When that bear was breathing down
  my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
  up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
  here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

• The T. Rexes were all angry. You know why? Because these huge muscular creatures with these big muscular legs and these tiny little hands! How would you feel, 60 million years never being able to masturbate? That is the real reason dinosaurs are extinct right there.

• Did you find my horse well behaved? Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

• What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!

• why did the black chicken cross the road ? to get to the other side you racist bastard.

• Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
  A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
  
  Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
  A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
  
  Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
  A: Because it was a double-crosser.
  
  Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
  A: To take over the other side.
  
  Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
  A: To get to the other slide.
  
  Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
  A: To get to the other tide.
  
  Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
  A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
  
  

• A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
  

• I hear you take milk baths. That's right. Why? I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower.

• One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
     discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the  mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The  mouse repeated   his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very   excited by this,  was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up  his wife but   before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her  head with the  blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell   you about this."
     "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
     you!"

• A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today"The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes.""What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss."I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

• Q: What do you call a dinosaur that sits on nails? A. Megasaurus (mega sore ass).

• The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
  
  I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.
  
  I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
  
  I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
  
  

• Three tortoises, Tinku, Teku and Toku, went into a restaurant. Each of them ordered a large ice cream sundae. They were waiting for their order when they noticed that it was pouring with rain outside."We are going to need our umbrellas," said Toku. Tinku agreed. They both decided that Teku should run home to get the umbrellas, but he didn't want to go in case they ate his ice-cream while he was away. But Toku and Tinku promised that they would do nothing of the kind, so Teku set off.One week went by and Teku did not return. Two weeks went by and still he did not appear. Halfway through the third week, Tinku turned to Toku and said, "Come on, let's eat his ice cream.""Okay, let's," said Toku.Just then Teku's voice piped up from under the next table, "If you do, I won't go for that umbrella!"

• Q: Why did the duck go to jail?
  A: Because he got caught selling quack.

• Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?A: I'm bakin'.

• Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?A: It'll take a while before I get hard again, I just got laid by a chick.

• Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
  
  The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
  
  The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
  
  Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
  
  

• Two neighbors had been fighting each other for
  nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and
  teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
  For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
  
  So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the
  bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a
  half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being
  ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front
  of Bill's house.
  
  Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the
  18-wheeler.
  'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

• Q. What’s got 4 legs and bleeds?A. Half a spider!

• What do cows get when they do all their chores? Mooney.

• If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get? Half and half.

• One day little Bill was playing in the sand out of the sun underneath his front steps. Soon his mother walked up the steps without underwear due to the heat of the day and little Bill looked up and yelled out, ''Mother, what's that black thing that you're carrying under your dress?'' ''Don't worry, Bill, it's just a squirrel,'' she said. So little Bill kept on playing, and soon his grandmother came along, also without underwear, and little Bill looked up and said, ''Grammie what is that hairy animal under your dress?'' ''Ah, it's a squirrel,'' she answered. So little Bill asked his grandmother, ''Why is it that your squirrel is grey intead of black?'' The grandmother replied, ''If your mother's squirrel had popped the nuts that this one has popped, it would be gray too.''

• Are you a termite? Cause you're about to have a mouth full of wood.

• My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time
  achieving an orgasm.
  The Dr said "which position do you use?"
  "Doggy style," said dumb sh*t.
  "why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if
  that works any better." said the Dr.
  "We've tryed that" he said,  "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

• Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

• A mailman meets a boy and a huge dog. ‘Does your dog bite?’ asks the mailman. ‘No,’ replies the boy. And the dog bites the mailman’s leg. ‘You said he doesn’t bite!’ yells the mailman. ‘That’s not my dog,’ replies the boy.

• A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

• A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked. "Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.

• A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!". The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

• What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil? Pre-tanned leather.

• When should you feel sorry for a skunk? When its spray pump is out of order!.

• What does a cow ride when his car is broken? A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.

• Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as
     fast as Rudolph,
     he just couldn't stop as fast.
    

• A man bought a dachshund for his six children so they’d have a dog they could all pet at once.

• How do you call a Triceratops with horns on his butt? Tricera-bottoms.

• Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?

• Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing? He was always standing up on the job!

• A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
  The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

• Q: What do you call a 3 legged donkey?
  A: A wonkey.

• First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way? Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.

• What do you get from a cow on the North Pole? Cold cream.

• A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating."How come you are sweating?" he asks.The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

• THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
  Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
  
  The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
  
  The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
  
  Now wipe that smile off your face.
  

• A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals."The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the cow and the pig.The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"

• Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

• If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites
  off my roosters feet, what do you have?
  
      Two feet of my cock in your ass.

• Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

• A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

  The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

  The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

  A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, “Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

  Submitted by John.

• Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?A: Because they have big fingers!

• I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"

• Q: Why did the fish blush?
  A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

• What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda? A berry bubbly bunny.

• What is a gorilla's favorite cookie?
  Chocolate chimp!

• A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
     bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
     my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
     pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
     bar,
     and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
     i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
     bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
     table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
     right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
     bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
     "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
     hamster is also a ventriloquist."

• Q. What's green and red?A. A very mad frog.

• What's a pigs favorite karate move?
  A pork chop!

• A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching
     you!" "who's    there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and    he heard it two    more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber    asked."Cocodora"    said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora"
     said the robber.
     "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.

• The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer. "Get to work," the store-keeper urged. "I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared. When this had been provided: "Now give me a quart of whiskey." Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly: "Now show me the cellar." An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted: "Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

• Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

• How do you make a monkey cry? Tell him Tarzan swings both ways.

• What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a lickalotapus.

• Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?A:Mmmm, sandwiches!

• Turtles think frogs are homeless.

• A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!"And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes...as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"

• Answer:  First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice.
           Next, you place enough peas around the hole to
           completely surround the hole.  Then, when the
           polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in
           the icehole.

• Q: Where can you find the biggest amount of the largest sized women's lingerie in the world?
  A: In Africa: there's thousands of Z bras.

• A Bosnian catches a goldfish. The goldfish says: "Let me go and I will grant you one wish."The Bosnian says: "No way, I'll take you to the pawn shop – gold is gold."

• How can you tell when a skunk is angry? It raises a stink.

• Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
  "What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
  "I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high
  enough."

• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?

• I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.

• On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A caterpillar!

• Where do rabbits go after their wedding? On their bunnymoon.

• When a male squirrel saw a female squirrel he said: "I can offer you, DEEZ NUTS!"

• If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.

• What do cows wear when they are on vacation in Hawaii? Moo moos.

• What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff!

• What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours? A hermit crab.

• A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse. As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing. He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is. "If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!" Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks, "What did you do when you lost your first horse?" He replies, "I walked."

• What kind of car does a rabbit drive?A furrari.

• Don't feed the animals at the zoo! You should better feed the security guard!

• What happened to the lost cattle? Nobody's herd.

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

• Mother to little boy: ‘Stop pulling the cat’s tail.’ Boy: ‘I’m not.I’m just holding it. It’s the cat that’s doing the pulling.’

• After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
  
  This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
  
  The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
  
  Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
  
  Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
  
  "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
  
  When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
  
  The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
  
  

• Q: What do you get when 100 rabbits stand in a row and 99 take a step back?A: A receding hare line.

• A crocodile has 2 eyes and 80 teeth.Question:What has 80 eyes and 2 teeth?Answer:A full bus of old men.

• Q: What do you call a duck that steals?
  A: A Robber Duck.

• What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Reptiles.

• Two rabbits are in a garden and one of the rabbits says, "Thith carrot tathes pithy."The other rabbit says, "Yes, I know, I just pithed on it."

• Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother."Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.""I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.""I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

• Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

• A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
  
  The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
  
  The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
  
  

• A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.

• There were three pigs. The first pig went to a bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left. The second pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, went to the bathroom, and then left.The third pig went to the same bar, ordered a drink, gulped it down, and was just going to leave. The bartender asked if he was going to the bathroom, the third little pig said, “No, I’m the little pig that goes weee weee weee all the way home.”

• This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little's s painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"

• Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual? No, only medium rare.

• What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day? Let me call you Tweet heart!

• A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
  
  She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
  
  He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
  
  He replied, "It's the plumber."
  
  He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
  
  He said, "It's the plumber!"
  
  He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
  
  He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"
  
  Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
  
  The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
  
  The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
  
  

• Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth.

• Q: What do you call a horse that plays the violin in a musical?A: Fiddler on the hoof.

• What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!

• What's an octopuses favourite latin saying? Squid pro quo.

• What do cows like to listen to? Moo-sic.

• Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
  
  "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
  
  The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
  
  When he returns, he is covered with blood.
  
  The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
  
  The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
  
  "Yes," the other bat answers.
  
  "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
  
  

• A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."

• How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!

• Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

• Q. Why are fish so smart?Q. Why are fish so smartA. Because they swim in schools!

• Why did the frog cross the road?Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken.

• Q. How does a frog confuse you?A. When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.

• Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.

• I've been trying to find the right time to tell my pet hes adopted...

• Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

• I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!

• The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the donkey."Your name is written inside the cover."

• Why do polo bears like bald men? Because they have a great, white, bear place.

• Where do Russian cows come from? Moscow.

• Q: What do you call a famous fish?
  A: A star fish.

• Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

• Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

• What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

• What happens when a cow stops shaving? It grows a Moostache.

• A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says:
  
  "So, why the long face?"

• There were two cats that enjoyed running together.
  The first cat was english, called One-two-three.
  The other was french and called Un-deux-trois.
  One day when they were running they came to a huge
  river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as
  far as they could. Which cat drowned?
       Un-deux-trois cat sank
       (un deux trois quatre cinq)

• Q: What is height of De-hydration?A: A cow giving milk powder.

• Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn? He was too much of a bully!

• Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
  
  "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in
  heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
  Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"

• What kind of money do polar bears use? Ice lolly.

• How do you lead a horse to water? With lots of carrots.

• What happened when the lion ate the comedian? He felt funny.

• This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

• What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long? A runny bunny.

• A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please". The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

• I love my cat. My cat does not care.

• Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!

• Man decides to buy a pet, but does not know what he wants as a pet, so he goes to the pet shop in search of a pet. He sees cats in a cage dogs on another cage spiders, rabbits, frogs, birds, fish in aquariums and finally he sees a very colorful parrot in the corner of the store and he goes to the area where the parrot was and salesman asks him, "Are you interested in this parrot?" The man says, "Does he talk?" the salesman says, "If you pull his left leg he will say the our father and if you pull his right leg, he will say the hailmary!" The man says, "What will the parrot say if I pull both legs at the same time?" The parrot says, "I'll fall on my ass stupid!"

• A crab walks into a bar and asks for something to drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we do not serve food."

• Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant? He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.

• What does a cow like to do by a campfire? Roast Moosmallows.

• Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?""My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

• How is a rabbit like a plum? They re both purple, except for the rabbit.

• Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers? She heard he was a cowpuncher-

• There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

• What kind of sharks make good carpenters? Hammerheads.

• Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you a
  muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,
  drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant will
  be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants like
  muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.
  
  After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
  (with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
  without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the white elephant finds
  out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.
  
  And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

• Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn’t catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the
  chickens had three legs.

  The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, “Three-legged chickens? That’s astonishing!”

  The farmer replied, “Yep. I bred ‘em that way because I love drumsticks.”

  Juan was curious. “How does a three-legged chicken taste?”

  The farmer smiled. “Dunno. Haven’t been able to catch one yet.”

  Submitted by John.

• Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
  A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

• Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

• Animal Facts
  1. Hippo milk is pink.
  2. If you put alcohol on a scorpion, it will sting itself to death.
  3. Vampire bats are one of few mammals that will adopt an orphan our risk its own life to give food to a less fortunate roostmate.
  4. Squirrels forget where they hide over half of their nuts.
  5. Kittens sleep so much because they only release a special growth hormone while they sleep.
  6. It is impossible for pigs to look up at the sky.
  7. Sheep can survive two weeks buried in a snow drift.
  8. A four foot long walrus penis bone sold for $8000 on ebay in 2007.
  9. A whale penis is called a dork.
  10. Elephants weigh less than a Blue Whale's tongue.

• Q: What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs?
  A: Sparky.

• What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.

• Why was the little bear so spoiled? Because its mother panda d to its every whim.

• What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat!

• Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "Because we need the eggs."

• Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
  
  So it doesn't explode when you f**k it.

• Q. Why did the tiger loose at poker? A. Because he was playing with a cheetah.

• Q: Why cant you hear a pterodactyl pee? A: Because the "p" is silent.

• Q: Why can't you see a Hippopotamus hiding in a tree?
  A: Because he's really good at it.

• How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins.

• A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
  
  Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
  
  Man: "What covers a house?"
  
  Dog: "Roof!"
  
  Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
  
  Dog: "Rough!"
  
  Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
  
  Dog: "Ruth!"
  
  Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
  
  The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
  
  

• There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
  
  The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"
  
  The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
  
  

• What's black and white and green?A frog sitting on a newspaper.

• A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.He watched the game in astonishment for a while.“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. I’ve beaten him three games out of five."

• Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
  A: A monkey.

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

• An elephant asks a camel, "Why do you have your breast on your back?"
  The camel says, "That's a pretty dumb question coming from someone who has a penis on his face."

• What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a hamburger?
  Fastfood!

• "My friend is nuts. He thinks he's Bugs Bunny. But I m positive he isn't.""How do you know he isn t?""Because I am."

• Q: Why did the bunny go to the hospital? A: For a hoperation.

• A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.
  He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & around
  his head.
  The druggist says "May I help you?"
  The blind man replies "No thank you, I'm just looking
  around."

• A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort,
  he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until
  reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.
  After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again,
  jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
  The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a
  couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with
  pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's
  time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

• What dog can jump higher than a building?Anydog, buildings can't jump!

• Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
  A: Made a website!

• There was a man who visisted the zoo. There was also a kangaroo. The kangaroo had a joey (baby kangaroo) in it's pouch. The kangaroo looked into the man pants and said "Wow, your joey is so small."

• What does a squid sheriff form? An octoposse.

• A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly. He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there. I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick. What's it gonna be?' Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.' The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear. But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear. 'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.' Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.' The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear. Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'

• What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon? A hare dare.

• Why do milking stools only have three legs?
  'Cause the cow's got the udder!

• Yo mama's like a bowling ball shes picked up fingered and then thrown in a gutter

• The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
  on elephants.
  
  The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the
      British Empire."
  
  The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
      Account."
  
  The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
      Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
  
  The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
      Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
  
  Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
      People"
  
  The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
      the Soviet Elephant"
  
  And  submited a poem "The Joy and
      Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
  
  But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
      wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

• No chicken dies a virgin.They get laid at birth *slaps knee*.

• What's a rabbits favorite TV show? Hoppy Days.

• Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice? He was a sherbet!

• Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
  A: Because if it had four, it would be chicken sedan.

• Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, the chicken was somewhere between 8' to 11' tall.

• Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory? Alike did was stand around making faces.

• Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
  A: To stamp out fire.
  Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
  A: To stamp out burning ducks.

• Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.

• Q: Why are frogs so happy? A Because they eat everything that bugs them.

• Why was the man sued by his horse? For palomino-money!

• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

• What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine? Hamburger.

• Why did the frog walk across the road?He didn't... he jumped.

• An elephant goes to a camel and says why have you got a pair of tits on your back, the camel then replies that's a funny question coming from someone with a dick on their face.

• In what state will you find the most cows? Moo York.

• Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!

• Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter?
  A: It's too far to walk.

• Two Bear HuntersTwo men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

• How much money did the bronco have? Only a buck!

• What's a rabbits favourite car? Any make, just as long it's a hutchback.

• A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

• What did the cow wear to the football game? A Jersey.

• What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns? A bull pull.

• What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane? A dandy lion.

• This is, like, so dumb...
  
  Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat's Urine
  
     1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
  
     2.Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat
       approaches the beaker.
  
     3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone
       with the beaker for thirty seconds.

• Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk.The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

• 
  Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
  
  Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
  
  Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
  
  Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
  
  

• Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.

• Where did the bull carry his stock-market report? In his beef case.

• Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor? For hare care.

• Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past
  them.
  One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was
  moving?"
  The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three *ssh*les
  and they were all on fire!"

• What is a buttress?A female goat.

• Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest. 1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room! 2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison' crush it into powder and snort it. 3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, where are you going? asked the other 2. Home he replied to shag the cat!

• Chopping up onions is bringing a tear to my eye...
  He was a lovely little dog.

• In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.His hopes were dim.Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

• One night a robber broke into a home. While he was aggressively searching through a desk the robber heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!"
  
  He yelled, ''Who said that?!''
  
  Once again the robber heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!''
  
  The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was and the parrot replied, ''Arthur.''
  
  The robber said, ''Ha ha! Who names a parrot that?!"
  
  With attitude the parrot laughs, ''Ha ha! The same person who named the pit-bull BEHIND you Jesus!!"

• What do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit? A honey bunny.

• The wild and mean bear grabs the hedgehog and asks him: "Were you at the fox’s party as well?""Yes, I was. So what?""Were you sitting on the table?""Yeah, why?"The bear, ready to leg press him, changes his mind and says to the hedgehog: "Next time, wherever you go, take an umbrella with you!""But why, my friend?" the hedgehog wonders."Cause all night long, I was taking thorns off my ass!"

• So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''.I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck'

• How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare.

• Ladies... You can't wear animal print and be bigger than the animal.

• Name an animal that lives in Lapland?A reindeerGood, now name another.Another reindeer!

• How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight.

• I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

• What's gray and powdery?Instant Elephant.

• Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup."Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."

• What do frogs do with paper?Rip-it!

• Why did the bareback performer ride his horse? Because it got too heavy to carry.

• Q: What do you give a pig who wins a medal at the Olympic games?
  A: A pork medallion.

• What's the important part of a horse?The manr part.

• Never trust a dog to watch your food.

• There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe. "Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

• Two cows were talking.One cow asked the other" I wonder what hamburgers are made of?" The other cow replied "YOUR MOM!

• A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.He put the alligator up on the bar.He turned to the astonished patrons and said, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."A hush fell over the crowd.After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up."I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

• What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.

• What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts? Shark absorbers.

• A hippo once told me he hated gangs, but then he joined one
  What a HippoCrip

• What is green and red and goes 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender.

• What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks.

• What is the fiercest flower in the garden? The tiger lily.

• Two crocks rest on the basin of a zoo talking:Yesterday, the caretaker cursed me, said the older one.What did you do? Asks the other. -I’ve swallowed him...

• What do you call a blender full of laboratory monkeys? Rhesus pieces.

• What is the golden rule for cows? Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you.

• Q: What do you call a bear that is cold? A: A burr.

• Why can’t elephants go on the beach?Because they can’t keep there trunks up.

• Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
  A: To get to the Shell station!
  
  Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
  A: To invent the other side.
  
  Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
  A: To corrupt the other side.
  
  Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
  A: To bankrupt the other side.
  
  Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
  A: To get to the car accident on the other side.
  
  Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
  A: To help the patient find the other side.
  
  Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
  A: To break on through to the other side.
  
  Q: Why do birds fly South?
  A: Because it's too far to walk.
  
  

• Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the farmer cross the road? To get his dick out of the chicken!

• Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? (no) me neither but enough to break the ice, hi my name is .....

• Did you hear about the queer termite? He ate the wood pecker.

• What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?
  
  A Cock that can stay up all night!! 

• What gas do snails prefer? Shell.

• Why was the lion-tamer fined? He parked on a yellow lion.

•     A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
     for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster
     and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
     The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at
     what it did to me!"
     The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
     Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a
     hike."
     The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens
     over in the corner. I won't bother you."
     The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
     over!"
     So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young
     rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you
     around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken
     coop."
     The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just
     to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
     They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
     and the old rooster takes off running.
     About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
     They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
     about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
     The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
     grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.
     He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
     this week!"

• A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

• How do elephants hide in the jungle?Paint their balls red and pretend they are cherries!What's the loudest noise in the jungle?Monkeys eating cherries...

• Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
  
  "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." pr0p3rty0fahaj0kes
  
  "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
  
  

• How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed.

• A dog goes to a telegraph office and dictates a message. ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.’ The operator reads it back then says, ‘Y’ know, we charge per ten words.You could have an extra ‘woof’ for free.’‘No thanks,’ says the dog.

• A penguin's car breaks down and he has it towed to a repair shop. The mechanic tells him that he should have some information in about an hour. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he wanders over while the mechanic works. He finds the vanilla is the best ice cream he's ever eaten and he eats it with messy and gluttonous abandon getting it all over his face. He goes back to the mechanic's to check on his car. The mechanic informs him, "It looks as though you've blown a seal.""Oh, no." replies the penguin "It's just some ice cream."

• What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout? A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

• For all animal lovers out there:
  
  How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
  Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
  
  and...
  
  How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
  Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...

• Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child – I wanted a dog.

• Q: What is red and black? A: A sunburnt zebra.

• Q. What did one frog say to another?A. You're such a WART!

• "Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture?""No.""Did he hurt the cows?""No, he just grazed them."

• A snail entered a police station and told an officer, "I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!" The officer replied, "Why that's terrible. Did you get a good look at them?" "No sir, it all happened so fast!"

• One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
  For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
  He had not eaten anything during this period and was
  famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle,
  killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of
  park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and
  arrested him for killing an endangered species.
  
  At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him
  claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would
  have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
  In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I
  would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
  I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.
  What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well,
  it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a
  spotted owl."

• Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?A: De-calf-i-nated.

• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

• A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What’s happening?"The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the zoo.""Oh my, which way is it heading?""Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?"

• What's red and green and goes at 100mph? A frog in a blender.

• Why is manna from heaven like horse hay? Both are food from aloft!

• Q: Which American duo became famous for stealing horses?A: Bonnie and Clydesdale.

• Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area.

• A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo.It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar: "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."

• A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

• Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

• Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

• What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.

• You said it was a great horse and it is. It took twenty other horses to beat him!

• What did the calf say to the silo? "Is my fodder in there?"

• which bird gives others boners?
  Blue tits!!!

• A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the
  desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem,
  the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move
  until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go
  along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat
  off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the
  camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares
  to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And
  again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says
  "For Christ's sake, what do you want now?" The camel puckers up and makes
  little sucking noises.

• Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!!

• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

• Why is there no gambling in Africa?-Too many Cheetahs!

• What should you call a bald teddy? Fred bear .

• Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find that unusual?”

  “Yes,” she replied. “I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!”

  Submitted by Harry.

• If I throw a stick, will you leave?

• What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?(A teddy boar!)

• Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

• Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?
  
  So it doesn't explode when you f**k it.

• Q: Where do sharks go on their holidays?
  A: Finland.

• A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. "Are you crazy," hollered the coach, "we don’t give tryouts to turkeys." Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch. "That was amazing," exclaimed the coach. "I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?" "Don’t worry about money," said the turkey, "let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?"

• Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

• Why did the horses kept saying orange juice? Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!

• Little Billy looks at the chimpanzees from the zoo.Mama, little Billy shouts, this monkey looks like our neighbour, Mr. Danny.Billy, it’s not polite to talk like that!Why? The chimpanzee doesn’t understand...

• Where do you find a no-legged dog? Right where you left him.

• Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!""There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time. My fee, of course, will be $1,500."Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"

• ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

• Why'd the squirle talk to the elephant
  To get his nuts

• What's the difference between a tiger and a lion? A tiger has the mane part missing.

• Q: Why did the duck go to Brooklyn?A: To buy some quack.

• Who held the baby octopus to ransom? Squidnappers.

• What looks like half a cat? The other half.

• What did the doctor say when a pony came in complaining about a sore throat? "I know what's wrong here; you're just a little hoarse!"

• What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man? Tarzan stripes forever.

• How do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start off with a large fortune!

• I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.
  That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.

• You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion. What do you do?
  Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

• Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
  
  Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
  
  1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.
  
  2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.
  
  There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.
  
  1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
  
  2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.
  
  3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.
  
  4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are.
  
  5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane.
  
  6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.
  
  7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.
  
  Source:
  GSP Digest #279
  September 16, 1990
  
  

• Two deer walk out of a gay bar, one turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew twenty bucks in there..."

• Why do moths fly with their legs open?Cause they've got huge mothballs!

• What is the difference between a cat and a dog? Dogs think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so they must be Gods. Cats think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so I must be God."

• Which rabbit is a famous comedian? Bob Hop.

• When do rabbits have buck teeth? When their parents won't get them braces.

• A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.""So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked."One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up."The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?""You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"

• Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise? The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!

• "May I buy half a rabbit?""No, we don't split hares."

• Q: How do you capture a polar bear? A: You dig a hole in the snow and set peas around it. When the bear comes to take a pea you kick it in the ice hole

• Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
  
  Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
  
  "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
  
  At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
  
  The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
  
  

• How do you shoot a great white shark?Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun.

• One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner. In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me." Next is the rabbit's turn, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet," he says. The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself. The bear then says, "I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me." The rabbit next says, "I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas." The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, "You could have wished for money to get those two things!" He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, "I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!" He smiles smugly. The rabit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, "I wish for this bear to be gay."

• It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?" The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!"

• One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place. A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal. Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?

• Q: Where do bees go to the toilet?
  A: The BP station.

• Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government?A: A civil serpent.

• Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

• A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off. He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rectum. As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's butt?" The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips." The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure. The cowboy said, "Nope. But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"

• Q: Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend?A: Cuz she was a CHEETAH!

• A baby snake asked it's mom, "Mommy are we poisonous?" The mother snake responded, "Yes honey, but why do you want to know?" The baby snake responded, "Because I just bit myself..."

• I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

• A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. He drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my dick and pull yourself up.” And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes!

• 1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
  
  2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
  
  3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
  
  4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
  
  5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
  
  6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
  
  7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
  
  8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
  
  9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
  
  10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
  
  

• If a cow poops in a fishtank with no fish in it, is it still a fishtank? Or is it now an entirely different entity?

• What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Brontosnorus.

• What does an octopus take on a camping trip? Tentacles.

• There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
  
  The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
  
  The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
  
  

• A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
  
  Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
  
  The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
  
  She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
  
  

• A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says
     "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument
     that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar
     look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar.
     The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
     and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner
     pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet.
     The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
     it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
     pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching
     all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back
     a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
     He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
     octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give
     you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the
     bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another
     look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner
     comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up
     and play that d*mn thing!
     The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how
     to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!

• Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine.

• The little snail begs for his mother:Mother, please let me pass the rail road!Thunder dear, not now. In five hours the train passes.

• Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, "What are you doing?" The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear? The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"

• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

• Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan? He got cut off without a scent.

• Bears do not eat bears.Tigers do not eat tigers.Dogs do not eat dogs.Cats stopped eating kebabs.

• What do cows call Frank Sinatra? Old Moo Eyes.

• Do you wanna play lion tamer? she asks: "What is that?" you say: It's when you get on all fours and I put my head in your mouth.

• I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away. Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor. Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.

• A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:- Do you have any bananas?- No,I don't. ( says the barman)- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)- No,I have not got any bananas!- Do you have any bananas?- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!- Do you have any nails?- No,I don't.- Do you have any bananas?

• If I was a squirrel I'd chuck my nuts in your hole!

• What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties? "Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo."

• What do you call an operation on a rabbit? A hare-cut.

• Q: What has more lives than a cat?
  A: A frog because it croaks every night.

• A blind man with an assistance dog was getting ready to cross the street. When the dog took him across he almost got ran over by the traffic and the cars where sliding everywhere to avoid hitting him. When he got to the other side, he took out a treat to give to the dog.A spectator who saw what happened couldn't believe his eyes. He ran over to the blind man and said, "Sir, why are you rewarding that dog, he almost got you killed?" The blind man replied, "I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!"

• A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
  
  "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
  
  

• What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits? A cud thud.

• A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head. The barman pulls him a pint and says,‘Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.’ ‘What of it?’ asks the man.‘I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.’ ‘But today’s Tuesday,’ replies the barman. ‘Oh God.Is it?’ says the man. ‘I must look a right prat.’

• Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?A. Because he was pissed off!

• Q: Why are tigers religious? A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

• As horses say to one another.Any friend of yours is a palomino!

• Q: Why do pandas like old movies?A: Because they are black and white.

• A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him
  two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is
  $10,000." the clerk said.
  "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
  "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
  "And the other?" said the customer.
  "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in
  the back room for $30,000."
  "Holy moly! What does that one do?"
  "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

• Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "Because we need the eggs."

• What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs? Anything you want, he cant hear you.

• A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said, "Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?"

• A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he
  said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do
  you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such
  animal."
  Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he
  pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,
  never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in
  America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten
  times."
  "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for
  just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all
  his lies."

• Q: Why do the French eat snails?
  A: They don't like fast food.

• An ad at the zoo: ‘Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'

• What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milkshake :)

• Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!

• I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat. Sorry...

• This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."
  
  She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.
  
  "Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."
  
  The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
  
  The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."
  
  So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.
  
  Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.
  
  She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"
  
  The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."
  
  Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.
  
  The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.
  
  When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"
  
  

• If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?

• Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
  A: So they can walk.

• Q: What's a frog's favorite drink?
  A: Croak-a cola.

• An old woman walks into a butcher shop and asks for a New Mexico duck. The butcher grabs the nearest duck and hands it to the old lady. She puts her finger up its ass, pulls it out, smells it, and says, "You must be new here because this is no New Mexico duck." The butcher replies, "Yep, I am new here." The old lady comes back with, "Well, where are you from?" The butcher drops his pants, spreads his butt cheeks and says, "I don't know, why don't you tell me."

• There are two cows in a field.One says to the other: "So what do you think of mad cow disease?"The other replies: "I don't know, I'm a chicken!"

• Two cows were talking in the field.One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"

• Why can't you take a turkey to church?
  They use FOWL language.

• I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

• A hippo once told me he hated gangs, but then he joined oneWhat a HippoCrip.

• An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, "How do you breathe out of that thing?"

• Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

• What do dinosaurs put on their floors? Rep-tiles.

• A rabbit went to the fortune-teller, “what do you see in my future?” asked the rabbit. “Very soon,” replied the fortune-teller, “you will meet a pretty young girl who will want to know everything about you.” “That’s great!” said the rabbit, hopping up and down. “But when will I meet her?” “Next week in science class,” said the fortune-teller.

• Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.

• What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat? He had to get a new goat.

• What happens when the cows refuse to be milked? Udder chaos.

• One day, two skunks named In and Out, asked their mother if they could go into a store and play. Their mother said yes, but only for an hour. An hour later, only Out came back. Their mother said, "Out, you'd better go back in and find In." About 10 seconds later, Out comes back with In. Their mother asked how Out found In so quickly. "Easy." Out said. "In-stincts."

• What is the definition of "derange"?De place where de cowboys ride.

• A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

• What hair style is a calf's favorite? The cowlick.

• What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other? Isaiah.

• What came first, the chicken or the egg?
  
       - I'd have to say it was the rooster!

• Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

• They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what the pussy needs.

• What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond? He had him newt-ered.

• What color socks do bears wear?(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)

• What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball? Glass flippers.

• What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?A dirty double-crosser!

• Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is apoodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sickso he brought me here to be put to sleep."The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially highstrung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and Ieven bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has beenhappening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he broughtme here to be put to sleep."The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterdayshe was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took overand the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. Icouldn't help myself. "The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?""Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

• Just saw a donkey crossing the road, funny thing was he looked both ways. Smart ass xxxx

• At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?""I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook.""Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman.""What happened?" asks the guy."Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.""What happened then?" asks the guy."Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot."Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?""I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

• The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

• Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying
  DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a
  harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
  
  He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware
  of?"
  
  "Yep, that's him," he replied.
  
  The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like
  a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
  
  "Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
  tripping over him."

• In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
  When its raining cats and dogs.

• There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
  
  The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
  
  The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
  
  The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
  
  The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
  
  The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
  
  The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
  
  The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
  
  The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
  
  

• Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."

• Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Cows go.
  Cows go who?
  No, cows go moo!

• The mouse and the elephant stay on the trunk of a smitten tree. Near them passes the giraffe, who asks them:Who pulled out this tree from his root?Me off course, says the mouse, but the elephant helped a bit.

• What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an ‘A’ bra.

• How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.

• I'm the flower, you're the bee. Why don't you suck the sweet pollen right out of me?

• What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat? Shipped beef.

• Two men were walking along the street when they cameupon a dog licking his dick.One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." The other replied, "You can, but you're probably goingto have to pet him first."

• Which day of the week do chickens hate most? Fry-day!

• What did the idiot call his pet zebra? Spot!

• There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

• Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
  A: Decalfeinated.

• Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses? He was a rough rider!

• What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
  Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

• Little Billy sits on his neighbour fence. After a while he asks surprised:Sir, how come your pig has only tree legs?Because I used only one leg for the stock.

• What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
  A lickalottapuss.

• If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?

• cow 1: have you heard of that mad illness that's going around?
  cow 2: I'm glad we are penguins

• A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and
  playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree,
  but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. "That's strange," said the fox.
  "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree." "Listen,
  bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you
  were in love?"

• A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!" The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".

• Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
  A: Open-toad!

• There's a guy Who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

• Q: What animal should you never play cards with?
  A: A cheetah.

• Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?A: "Cheap, cheap!"

• There where two snakes talking.The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'.Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

• A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked! He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

• While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
  
  A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
  
  To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."
  
  

• How do you know when a crab is drunk? It walks forwards.

• How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end smiles.

• An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down
  below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the
  mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the
  mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot.."
  The eagle says "what do you want?"
  The mouse asks how high up they are.
  The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft."
  The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be sh*ttin me now would ya??"

• One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing
  him there, decides to investigate.
  "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying
  him."
  "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
  Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**kin' cat!'

• Man: i don't know what is wrong with my dog he was fine yesterday!
  Vet: its okay i'll pick him up and take a look
  Vet: hmmm i'm going to have to put him down.
  Men: What! Why?
  Vet: Because he's really f*cking heavy.

• A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a djinni appears and grants them each three wishes. The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done. Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard. For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female. The bunny wishes for a motorcycle. Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female. The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.

• Why did the duck get arrested?
  because he was selling quack

• Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

• What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? Your calves.

• "Pa's being chased by a bull!""Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?""Get me some film for my camera."

• An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."

• One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

• Do fish get thirsty?

• What's red and green and goes at 100mph?
  A frog in a blender

• What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take a minute for me to get hard I just got laid by a chick

• A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?"Child: "Moo!"Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"Child: "Meow."Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

• Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
  A: "It's pasture bedtime."

• Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

• What goes black white black white...?A penguin rolling down a hill! What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him!

• Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because, if it had 4 doors it would be chicken sedan.

• ‘Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.’

• What country do cows love to visit? Moo Zealand.

• What happened when the dog went to the flea circus ? He stole the show !

• A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''
  
  The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
  
  They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
  
  At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
  
  The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''
  
  The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''
  
  

• I'm being managed by Don King again

• If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped. What's a tiger? A stri-ped.

• Q. Why don't lions eat clowns?A. Because they taste funny.

• A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest
  a few minutes.
  The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
  to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races
  and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
  The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the
  horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
  "Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
  "Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse."
  Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
  While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
  wouldn't I want your horse?"
  "Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
  life."

• Girl: We have a mayor. Do you? Horse: Sure! Girl: What do you call it? Horse: Same as you do. Mare!

• What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper.

• I went to a hot dog stand with my pet snake. I said," May I please have a hot dog for my snake?" The waitress replied, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of buns." I said, "My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!"

• A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

  The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.”

  The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

  Submitted by John.

• Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?He liked a good croak and dagger.

• What do you get if you cross a hippo, elephant and a rhino?A Helephino!!

• What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A milk dud.

• A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

• What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A harenet.

• A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you".Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?"The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!

• Q: Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long?
  A: Because if it were 12 inches long, it would be a foot!

• A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's
  your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My
  name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She
  goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My
  name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She
  turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your
  names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The
  dog replies "No, I'm having a f**king miserable day and my name is
  Puddles."

• what is the diffrent between a chicken and a prostutechicken goes cockadoodle doprostute goes any cock will do.

• NASA put a bunch of cows into orbit. They call it the herd shot round the world.

• What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

• A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

• If you really think about it, a kangaroo is just a mixture of a T-Rex and a deer.

• A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto
  the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
  The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".
  The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog,s dead!!!

• What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher? Ground round.

• A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
  
  In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
  
  ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
  
  As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
  
  ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
  
  

• Q: Where does a cow go on vacation? A: An aMOOsement park.

• A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear?" "Yes" "What are you doing at the movies?" "Well, I liked the book!"

• Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
  realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
  happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
  worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him
  of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no
  lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer
  down his throat and went about his fishing.
  
  
  An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
  Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms
  in his mouth...

• Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

• What do cows usually fly around in? Helicowpters and Bulloons.

• What is a bear's favourite drink? Koka-Koala.

• Q.How do you catch a polar bear?A.You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea,you kick it in the ice hole.

• As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”

  Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

  As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

  The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the the dog.

  The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What in the world are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius? I don’t think so. It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

  Submitted by John.

• Some cows view each day as the last roundup,
  others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.
  Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity
  to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.

• What is the cheapest meat you can buy?
  Deer balls. There under a buck.

• Q: What has four legs and eight arms?
  
  A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.

• Animals are lucky, they f*ck where they want with out going to jail.

• A skunk and a rabbit were running through the woods and accidentally they collided with each other. They both got amnesia from the crash. "Who am I? What am I?" said the rabbit confused. "Well, you're one such... with a short tail, long ears..." "I guess!" shouted the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit!""And what am I?" asked the skunk. "Ah! Yes. You're one such hairy, smelly, with a strip in the middle..." "Wow!", yelled the skunk, "Probably I'm an ass!"

• The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
  
  So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
  
  "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
  
  "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
  
  The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
  
  "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
  
  "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
  
  "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
  
  

• Q: What do you call a deaf dog?
  A: It doesn't matter; it can't hear you.

• With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

• A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
  company at home.
  She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
  wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
  to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
  spotted a large beautiful parrot.
  
  She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
  The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
  and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
  The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
  that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
  pretty vulgar stuff."
  
  The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
  bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
  The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
  She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
  to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
  and said, "New house, new madam."
  The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
  that's not so bad.
  A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
  from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
  said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
  The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
  began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
  woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
  said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"

• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• Why did the gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

• When is the best time to fake an orgasm?When a rottweiler is humping your leg.

• Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
  A: Because they are shellfish.

• A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

• I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

• A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

• Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

  The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

  “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

  Submitted by Harry.

• How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk? A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.

• What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!

• Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!

• A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
  mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the
  farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but
  the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
  mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the
  other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
  forward saving him from sinking!
  
  A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow
  again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the
  horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
  
  The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched
  over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my d*ck and pull
  yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
  
  The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
  Mercedes!

• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure.

• If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

• "I’m in a big trouble!""Why is that?""I saw a mouse in my house!""Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.""I don’t have one.""Well then, buy one.""Can’t afford one.""I can give you mine if you want.""That sounds good.""All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.""I don’t have any cheese.""Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.""I don’t have oil.""Well, then put only a small piece of bread.""I don’t have bread.""Then what is the mouse doing at your house?"

• A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

• Q: Why shouldn't you have a gay monkey and a gay squirrel in the same tree?
  A: Because the monkey will go bananas over the squirrel's nuts.

• The male worm towards the female worm:Baby, if you don’t take me as you’re husband, I’m throwing myself to the chickens!

• A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees
  a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.  He says,
  "What the hell is that all about?"
  
  The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all
  his feathers got  singed off, so the wife made him some
  clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than
  watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his
  pants down with the other."

• Why are there no zebras in Czech zoos? Czechs and stripes don’t mix.

• Why did the gag-writer turn green?Cause the gag-writer was sick of writing frog jokes!

• Why do elephants live in herds?
  To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

• Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
  A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.

• What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today, gone tomorrow.

• Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
  
  Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
  
  Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
  
  Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
  
  Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
  
  Purrson: A male kitty.
  
  Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
  
  

• She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

• Q: What does a cow make when the sun comes out? A: A shadow.

• Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
  Student: "A dead bird, sir."

• Yo momma's so fat, when she went to the zoo, elephants began throwing peanuts at her.

• Why did the frog cross the road?To see what the chicken was doing.

• Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? They re always switching their tails.

• Q: how many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? A: tentickles!

• On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,
  this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.
  Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy
  onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his
  pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30
  minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking
  and quivering.
  
       'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew?
       'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man.
       Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and
       shaking again..
       'Are you sure you're alright sir?'
       'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make.
       I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring
       a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.'
       'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?'
       'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'

• Q: What will a giraffe do, if you spit in its face? A: It will kick off your ladder…

• A dog breeder bred a bulldog and shitzo. He called it a bullshit.

• Bob checked into his hotel room and immediately noticed a dead cockroach on the floor. He called the front desk, asked for the manager and raised a fuss. "Sir, please calm down," the manager replied. "It's dead. It can't bother you now.""The dead one doesn't bother me." Bob said. "It's his pallbearers."

• A preacher is buying a parrot.
  
  "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
  
  "Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
  
  "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
  
  "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
  
  "I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
  
  

• What South American dance do cows like to do? The Rump-a.

• Where does a cow stop to drink? The milky way.

• A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

• What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire? A bunny with money.

• How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
  
  Pick him up and start sucking his dick.