Blonde Jokes

• There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second. When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"




• Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
  A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
  
  Q: How do you drown a blond?
  A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s
  
  Q: How do you drown a blond?
  A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
  
  Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
  A: Flattered.
  
  Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
  A: You don't. They're born that way.
  
  Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
  A: They're too hard to peel.
  
  Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
  A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
  
  

• Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, ‘Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?’

  The guard replies, ‘They are 3 million,four years, and six months old.’

  ‘That’s an awfully exact number,’ says the tourist. ‘How do you know their age so precisely?’

  The guard answers, ‘Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started
  working here, and that was four and a half years ago!’

  Submitted by vicky.

• Two blonde football fans are walking along the road when one of them picks up a mirror. He looks in it and says, 'Hey, I know that person!' The second one picks it up and says, 'Of course you do, you idiot, it's me'.

• How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch n'snif sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

• A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"

• There was a Blonde and her husband.

  One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

  When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

  The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

• A blonde was filling out her job application. When it asked for "Education," she wrote "Hooked on Phonics."

• There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror.The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Poof – the mirror swallows her up.Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think...” Poof!

• Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

• A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office."I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!""Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?""I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore.""Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too.""Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

• On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

  God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

  So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

  The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

  But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

  God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

  The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

• How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer? There’s whiteout on the screen. How can you tell if two blondes have been using the computer? There’s writing on the whiteout.

• I wish this was a joke but it's what happened at my work 30 min ago so i had to share, a new Blonde girl that we hired to park customers cars was given the task or moving a Prius that was blocking the way, the car was still on mind you. I see her sit in the car and few taps on the brake and about 2 min later the car is still there as she exits the car and walks into the office to tell me the car isn't turning on something is definitely wrong with the car, i said okay lets go look at it, i sit in the driver seat and she in the passenger. I asked her what the problem was and she replied it's not turning on, i didn't want to make her feel bad so i said don't tell anyone but the car is already on.

• In an aeroplane flying to Melbourne a blonde girl leaves her seat and goes to the business class.The stewardess, who’ s watching her, gently asks her to see her ticket and tells her that she has to go back to her seat.But the blonde girl replies “I am young, beautiful, I travel to Melbourne and I’m staying here”.The stewardess goes to the cockpit and explains the copilot what happened. So he comes out of the cockpit and tries to explain to the blonde girl that she had to go back to her seat.And again the blonde girl says “I am young, beautiful, I travel to Melbourne and I’m staying here”.The copilot, confused, returns to the cockpit and explains the situation to the aircraft commander.“Don’t worry”, he says, “My wife is a blonde… I can hanlde it!”.So the commander, goes out, spots the blonde and whispers something in her ear.Suddenley, she stands up and says “Oh sorry mister…I didn’ t know…!” and runs back to her seat.“What the hell did you tell her?” asks the copilot who was watching the scene.“I told her that people in the business class are not flying to Belbourne”

• Q: Why did the blonde wreck her car while driving?
  
  A: Because someone told her to drive straight home.

• A blonde put her jeans in the washing machine. When she pulled them out, she found a $10 bill inside. That was when she got really scared....she was worried the police would charge her with money laundering.

• Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

• A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"

• Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract Anant.
  A: Their heels.

• Two blondes were talking in heaven, they were discussing how they died. The first blonde said 'i had a heart attact, my family has a long line of heart disease, i guess it was my time.' The second blonde said ' oh.. i froze to death, it was NOT the way i wanted to die, its too late now.' 'the first blonde asked, 'what is it like to freeze to death?' 'It is cold, but soon its kinda peaceful, once you know you're dying. What happened before you had your heart attack? 'the first blonde answered ' i knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day i went home early. my car is really old, so my husband probly could hear me pull into the driveway. That give his girlfriend plenty of time to hide. when i walked into the house, it was quiet. i ran up to out bedroom and found my husband watching tv in bed. i could see a glimpse of a bra underneath our bed that definitely wasn't mine, so i immediately accused him of cheating, and i ran around the house to find the hoe. I checked in every room, but when i got to the attic, i had a heart attackthat instantly killed me.' the second blonde moaned 'shame, if you had only looked in the freezer, we would both still be alive.'Post your awesome joke here.

• Q: Ever hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo?
  
  A: She drowned her horse!

• One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

  About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

  The guy says "30 bucks"

  "And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

  Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

  So she takes the black one and leaves.

  A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"

  The man responds "30 bucks"

  She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

  "30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

  So she takes the white one leaves.

  About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"

  The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

  Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that plaid one?"

  The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"

  The blonde agrees and takes it.

  Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

  The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and your thermous flask for $250!"

  OUCH!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Courtney Born

• Q .. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A .. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

  Q .. How do you get rid of blondes?
  A .. Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.

  Q .. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
  A .. The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

  Q .. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
  A .. None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

  Q .. If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
  A .. The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

• Q: What's dumber than two brunettes trying to build a house under water?
  
  A: Two blondes trying to burn it down!

• A group of working men and women were enjoying happy hour at a local bar. One of them asked what time others went to bed on work nights.
  
  A blonde piped up from the end of the bar and said "Well, if I'm not in bed by ten o'clock, I just go home."

• Me: hey can you see if my left indicator is working or not?
  Blonde : yes... no... yes.. no... yes.... no...

• A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.
  
  The steward who checks tickets says, "I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class."
  
  "I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde." Well I'll get the pilot.
  
  The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says," What did you say?"
  
  The pilot simply says," I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!!!"

• A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' ''Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

• One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

  He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

  The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

  Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

  She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".
  
  He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Stasiu the Polish Freak

• There a ventriloquist telling blond joke . A blond comes storming up on stage and start says"blonds can be smart to you know,and I'm smart, I should know." The ventriloquist says" ok ok I'm sorry I won't do it again" then the blond says "you shut up and stay out of this cuz I'm talking to the jurk on your knee"

• A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
  
  The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
  
  He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
  
  The trucker looks at her and finally he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

• A blonde, a redhead and a brunette look through a dictionary for the hardest words they know.The brunette's word is "quizzical."The redhead's word is "sardonic."The blonde's word is "di*k."

• One day, a blonde went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned. The doctor asked, "What happened?" The blonde said, "Well, I was ironing my husband's shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!" The doctor replied, "What about the other half?" The blonde answered, "They called back."

• A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.

  She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"

  The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"

  And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"

  The guy says: "In that case follow me"

  So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"

  So she picks up his dick, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

• This blonde was walking down a road, when this guy came along. The blond was carrying a bag. The guy goes, ''What are you carrying?'' She goes, ''Melons.'' The guy goes, ''Cool. if I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?'' The blonde giggles and goes, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them

• Once upon a time a blonde was swimming in the river. A man went up to her and asked, "Why are you doing this? The blonde said, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?" The man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine? The blonde replied, "I feel dizzy in the washing machine!"

• What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Hide-and-go-seek winner from last year.

• How do you confuse a blonde? You don’t, they’re born that way!

•  A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.
  
  "How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.
  
  The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

• A blonde was nervous that her husband was cheating on her. So she went to the store and bought a gun. She walks to her house and sees her husband in bed with a redhead. The blond holds the gun up to her head threatening to shoot herself. The husband gets out of bed and pleads for her not to shoot herself. The blonde yells, "Shut the hell up! Your next!"

• Why was the blonde staring at the Orange Juice? Because it said concentrate!

• Q: What is the definition of eternity?
  
  A: 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.

• A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
  
  The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

• A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing. They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells, "Fire!

• How do you change a blonde’s mind? Blow in her ear.

• A blond is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over.

  The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".

  So he radios the station and asks what to do.

  The cop at the station says "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvet?" and the cop replies "Yes".

  So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your dick as you walk up to her".

  So the cop does exactlly what the other cop says. The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his dick.

  The blond "sighs" and says please not another breathalizer test.

• Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
  A: Gifted.

• A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"The blonde said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

• What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? "Run faster....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth."

• Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead people here!
  Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you?
  Blonde: The cemetery!
  Cop: *facepalm*

• What would you do if a Blonde threw a hand grenade right at you? "Just pull the pin and throw it back."

• This is a true story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
  
  He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.
  
  "May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
  
  She hears a voice over the radio saying:
  
  "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
  
  She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat."
  
  (pause)
  
  "O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
  "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"

• blonde calls me on her phone ...
  blonde: Hello whats your phone number?
  Me:(slams down he phone)

• Q: How can you tell if a blonde used a computer?
  A: There's Wite-Out all over the screen.

• A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question."If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

• Q: How does a blonde part her hair? A: By doing the splits.

• A blonde was speeding down a highway 'til a cop pulled her over.

  He asked if he could see her driver's license.

  She turned away and started looking for it. While she was looking the cop started unzipping his fly.

  The blonde finally found it and turned back around, she saw his zipper down and said "is this another one of those alchohol breath tests."

• 2 cops were chasing 3 girls by a barn. A brunette, blonde, and red head. The brunette jumped in with the cows, the red jumped in with the pigs, and the blonde jumped behind a sack of potatoes.
  
  The cops went to the cows and said hello, any body in there? The brunette went, moo! moo!
  
  Then the cops went over to the pigs and said, hello any body in there? The red went oink oink oink!
  
  Then they went over by the sack of potatoes and they said, hello any body over there? The blonde went potato potato potato!

• Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, "Hurry, hurry! It's going to rain and we left the top down!"

• Why did the blond speed on the highway?Because she thought the cars behind her where chasing her!!!!

• One day a Blonde was going down the road in her car when she sees a car accident. She comes to a stop 2 miles down the road because she hit the gas instead of the breaks.
  The Blonde then proceeds to pull out 2 naked cardboard men that she put long coats on. She then sets them up along side the road.
  After an hour passes and traffic backs up 12 miles, a cop comes by. The cop pulls over onto the side of the road. He steps out and asks the woman what those cardboard things are for. She says, "Oh nothing sir, these are just my emergency flashers."
  
  Submitted by
  

• what do you call a blonde with pig tails?
  a blowjob with handlebars.

• There were once 3 blondes stranded on a deserted island, and could not think of a way to get off it. One of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out."I will grant you each a wish," he said."Why not," thought the blondes. "It's worth a try.""I want to be the world's best swimmer," one said, "so I can swim off of the island".She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away."I want to be a bird," one said, and flew away immediately.The third and last blonde thought for a while. "I want to be a man."She was instantly transformed into a man, and she walked over the bridge to the mainland.

• Q: What's dumber than a brunette trying to build a house under water?
  
  A: A blonde trying to burn it down

• Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?A: Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

• NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
  
  The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
  
  Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
  
  The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
  
  Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
  
  The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"

• A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

• to drown a blonde.....
  put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

• A blonde walks in the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream cone.

  The clerk tells her that he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a pint of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, just vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a quart of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk then asks her how she spells van as in vanilla.

  She says, V-A-N.

  He then asks her how she spells straw as in strawberry.

  She says, S-T-R-A-W

  He then asks her how she spells fuck as in chocolate.

  After a while she says there is no fuck in chocolate.

  THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU

• A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

• Q:What do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car?

  A:Duel air bags!

• A blonde goes to the hospital to give blood and is asked what type she is. She tells them she’s an outgoing cat-lover.

• A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, "Where did you get her?" The pig answered, "I won her at the fair."

• Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
  A: Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
  
  Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
  A: I'll tell you tomorrow.
  
  Q: Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
  A: She lost the recipe.
  
  Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
  A: With a thought.
  
  Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
  A: The noise gave her a headache.
  
  Q: How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
  A: She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.
  
  Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
  A: Knock on the door.
  
  Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
  A: The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
  
  

• One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
  
  ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

• Did you hear about the blonde who went to a library and checked out a book called How to Hug? She got it home and found it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia.

• A man shouts out to a blonde on the other side of a river and says " How did you get to the other side?"
  The blonde replies by saying "You are on the other side"

• One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

  He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

  The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

  Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

  She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".
  
  He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Stasiu the Polish Freak

• Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
  'Cause they make them feel famous!

• A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

• Why do blondes like blonde jokes?'Cause they make them feel famous!

• Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?"Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car."Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?"Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

• What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone’s been in a 747.

• Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
  
  So they went home.

• Q .. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
  A .. Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

  Q .. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
  A .. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

  Q .. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
  A .. Trying to hold on to a thought.

  Q .. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
  A .. They don't know the route.

  Q .. Why do blondes work seven days a week?
  A .. So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

  Q .. How does a blonde commit suicide?
  A .. She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

  Q .. How do you plant dope?
  A .. Bury a blonde.

  Q .. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
  A .. Wave to her.

  Q .. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
  A .. Shine a torch in her ears.

  Q .. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
  A .. Shine a flashlight in their ear.

• Q. What is the definition of gross ignorance?A. 144 blondes.

• A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

• A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

• The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a complaint of pains all over her body.
  
  "Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing to some of the places that hurt.
  
  The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, "Ouch!" then her finger to her hip and said, "Ouch!" and then to her rib cage and said, "Ouch!" again.
  
  The doctor stopped her and asked, "Were you a blonde before your hair grayed"?
  
  "Why yes!" she said excitedly, "But how did you know?"
  
  The Doc answered, "Your finger's broken."
  

• Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk. The first blonde said, "Hey, look at that dog with one eye," so the second blonde covered up one eye.

• A blonde takes her typewriter to the doctor. "Doc, I'm afraid my typewriter is pregnant."The doctor asks, "Why in the world would you think that?"She says, "Because it's started missing its period."

• What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? They know how many men went down on the Titanic.

• Q. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?A. The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says, "Are you done already?" The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

• How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

• Doctor - "Your pregnant"
  Blonde - "Is it mine?"

• A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

• One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

  The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

  Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

  The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

  The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
  And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

  -Submitted by Fish and Dodo-

• Q: Why did the blonde climb on to the roof?
  A: Someone told her the drinks were on the house.

• Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

• Anant: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of fructose. So its sweet to taste.
  Blonde: But it doesn't even taste like that... Anant: Because sweetness taste buds are situated at tip of tongue inlt

• A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

• Q: What do you do if a blonde chucks a grenade at you?
  A: Pull the pin and throw it back

• On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

  The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

  “That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

  After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

  Submitted by abhi.

• During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.

• Q: What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes?

  A: An interpreter.

• A blonde female cop pulls over another female blonde.The cop say "Can i have you're license mam?". The blonde looks in her purse for 2 minutes and gets mad and says " What does it look like?"
  The cop says "Its square with you're face on it.". The blonde keeps looking. She finds a square mirror and looks in it, and her reflection is there. She hands it to the cop.The cop looks and says "Oh i didn't realize you were a cop.".

• Blonde girl runs into the pub hysterically shouting "help theres a black man chasing me"
  A bunch of lads get together looking when the girl again shouts "quick hes there creeping on the floor" After looking dismayed one calmly informs her
  "thats your shadow love"

• A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.”The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”

• Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

  A: Artificial intelligence.

• Blonde calls her friend
  "Come darling. I am alone. No one is at my home"
  Boy : what happened dear. We had sex just now twice 30 minutes back.
  Blonde : Ohh , I called you again by mistake.

• Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
  'Cause she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

• Q: How do a blonde's brain cells die?
  
  A: Alone.

• blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

• So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!"At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same beer. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death. The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Prick when you're drunk, Superman."

•  Have you ever wondered :What did the leper say to the blonde hooker?
  
  Keep the tip.

• Q: Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs into the toilet?
  
  A: To feed the "toilet duck".
  
  Note: Toilet Duck is a brand of cleanser.

• Anna, a blonde in the police station. The desk officer sayes "so when did you realise you were raped ?"
  She replies ... "when the cheque bounced !"

• Two blondes where driving to Disneyland they pasted a sign that said Disneyland Left, and they went home crying.

• A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his “tool of the trade”.But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”

• A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
  
  The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
  
  The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
  
  "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
  
  "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
  
  "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with
  Redheads!"
  
  "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The
  firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
  
  Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
  
  "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
  
  "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
  
  "Look," the Blonde says, "Nothing you say is gonna
  convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."
  

• One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, " A tan for 2 please!"The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?"They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

• What My Blonde Friend Did
  
  She called me to get my phone number.
  She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
  She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
  She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
  She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
  She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
  She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
  She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
  She tried to drown a fish.
  She thought a quarterback was a refund.
  She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
  If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
  They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
  Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
  She tripped over a cordless phone.
  She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put "Sagittarius."
  She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
  If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
  She studied for a blood test.
  She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
  She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
  She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
  She sold the car for gas money.
  When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
  When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
  When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
  -The Awesome 1

• A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?" The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?" The blonde responded, "20, right?" Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!" The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?" "Is it 3?" said the blonde. The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

• A blonde's neighbor's house was on fire so she called 911. The blonde told the operator, "My neighbor's house is on fire!" The operator asked, "Where are you?" The blonde answered, "At my house." The operator replied, "No, I'm asking how do we get there?" The blonde said, "In a firetruck, duh!"

• Why can't a blonde dial 911 .....
  She can't find the 11
  

• What do you call a smart blonde? There is only two simple little words to describe this joke and that is: A miracle

• Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

• Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches. Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

• Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?

  A: She gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.

• Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

• A blonde biology student conducts an experiment on grasshoppers.She pulls off one of its legs at a time and yells, "Hop." The grasshopper hops each time until all of its legs are gone.The blonde concludes: when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it becomes deaf.

• A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

  Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

  The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

  As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

  "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

• Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?A: The blonde, because she's 18.

• A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.

• How does a blonde answer the question, ‘Are you sexually active?’ ‘No, I just lie there.’

• There's a blonde. She enters a laughing contest. There's 10 levels to the contest. She gets to the 9th level and bursts into laughter. The host asks her "Why did you laugh, you could have won." The blonde reply's, "I finally got the first joke."

• two blondes fall in a hole, and one of them says," it's dark in here isn't it?" and the other one says," i don't know, i can't see."

• How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

• Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

• Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
  
  A: Gifted

• Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.

• A blonde working in the coffin industry was thinking of various ways to improve her business. She thought perhaps a good way to do it would be to emulate the success of the fashion store across the street which had done very well with it's new "Buy 1, Get 1 Free" deal. Soon, a man walks in. "I would like a coffin for my father. But these coffins are very expensive!" "Well, sir, you'll be happy to know we have a 'Buy 1, Get 1 Free' deal!" The customer left.

• Q: Why did the blonde keep stopping then smile during a lightning storm?
  
  A: She thought she was getting her picture taken.

• So a blonde walks into a library, and says to the librarian loudly "May I have a cheeseburger and fries?" The librarian says "This is a library!" Blonde whispers "Oh, may I have a cheeseburger and fries."

• This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job."Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.She came back sweating like a pig. "Christ, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman."6" she replied."What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted."How many this time?" asked the foreman."12" she said.The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning."The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, "What the hell is that?"

• There was a blonde who tried to hang herself and a diffrent blonde came in and saw her hanging from her stomach and said," your supposed to hang yourself from your neck. And she said," i tried that but i couldnt breath.

• Q: Why did the blond climb the glass wall?

  A: To see what was on the other side.

• Chuck Norris stuffs lockers into bullies!

• A blonde walked up to a man and said, "Give me your wallet." The man said, "Okay, but give me the gun."The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet. The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.The blonde said, "You're an idiot...there's no bullets in the gun." The man replied, "You're the idiot...here's no money in the wallet."

• A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
  
  "Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
  
  "No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"

• Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

• A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air."The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

• Q: What do you call a fly that flies into a blonde's head?
  
  A: A space invader.

• A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
  
  The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
  
  She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
  
  He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
  
  She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
  

• Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it, why aren't we getting any ducks?"Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

• Q: What is a good definition of "Eternity"?
  
  A: Four blondes at a four-way stop.

• A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them.The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."

• A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

• A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
  
  Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
  
  The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
  
  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
  
  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
  
  He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, ...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

• A blonde fell and hurt herself at work. The doctor said she was and would be fine, but needed a little time to heal. The doctor suggested an easier job for a week or so. She brought the doctor's note to her boss and he suggested light duty for the week. The blonde began to cry. Her boss asked why she was crying. She said, "I don't know how to change lights!"

• How do you know when a blonde is using a vibrator? Her teeth are all jacked up!

• Q: Why is it always good to have a blonde passenger?
  
  A: You can park in the handicapped zone!

• It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

• Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

• A blonde, brunette and red head escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three heshin bags. They all jumped in.

  The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three heshin bags.
  One copper goes to the other "Kick the heshin bags to make sure nothing's in them"

  So the copper walks up to the heshin bag with the brunette and kicked it.

  The brunette said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next heshin bag.

  The copper kicked the second heshin bag with the red head in it.
  The red head said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third heshin bag thinking a dog was in the second one.

  The copper kicked the third heshin bag with the blonde in it.
  And the blonde said "Potatoes".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Lenny_87

• What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
  
  Pull the pin and throw it back.

• A blonde once shot an arrow into the air... but missed!

• Q: How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
  A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

• Death: It's your time. give me your hand
  Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
  Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
  Blonde: *high fives*
  Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...

• Why did the blonde snort Sweet'N Low?She thought it was Diet Coke!

• A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: Do you know where you were going?Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

• There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.

  They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

  So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.

  The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

  So they go out the back door and they see this barn.

  They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

  See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.

  Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

  They go into the barn and look everywhere.

  One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".

  So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

  He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

  Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

• A blonde and a red head fall out of a window at the exact same time. Who makes it to the groung first? The redhead, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions on the way down.

• A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
  
  One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
  
  The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
  
  The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
  
  He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
  
  "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."
  
  After a while, the blonde returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

• Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

• What do bleached blondes and jumbo jets have in common? Black boxes.

• What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?"Is it mine?"

• The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

  She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

  During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

  The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on...

  She replied, "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, I am rechecking my answers!!"

• Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

  A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

• A blonde, a brunet and a red head were running from the cops when they came upon three empty sacks laying in front of a closed store. "Let's hide in these and the cops won't find us!" said the red head, and they each dove into the sacks. The brunet hid in one that said CAT. The red head hid in one that said DOG, and the blonde hid in one that said POTATOS. When the cops came by, they saw the bags and said: "Maybe they're in these sacks. Kick one of them." to the other. The other cop kicked the bag the brunet was in that said CAT and she said: "Meow!". So the cop kicked the second bag with the red head that said DOG. She said once kicked: "Woof!". So the cop moved on to the final sack that said POTATOS and kicked it. The blonde cried out: "Potatos!"

• On 60th birthday of salma in Lahore Pakistan. Everyone was admired her.
  
  In goodwill speech rednecks told " Salma is a complete woman.
  
  Friends later asked about it.
  
  He says" she adores Anant which was her platonic love.
  She is thankful to alim who married her.
  She don't forget aslam with whom she had first sex.
  She is excited about abdul who was her long time lover.
  She also praises wajid for children she had in her life.
  And she also craves for sex with biber in her dreams.
  
  Isn't she a complete woman.

• One day, a blond and a brunette decided to have a race to see who can make it to the bottom of the cliff first. The cliff was just straight down. All they had to do was jump and wait to land.
  
  Guess who won.
  
  The brunette.
  
  WHY???
  
  Because the blond had to stop for directions.

• A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

  A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

  "What are you doing." they ask her.

  So she replies "Hanging myself."

  The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

  The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."

• When blondes count, why don't they usually get up to the number 70?

  
  Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

• Q: Why do blondes use so much shampoo?

  A: The instructions read: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT

• Q: What is the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
  
  A: A mosquito quits sucking after you hit it.

• A blonde goes to her doctor complaining of body pains.
  
  Her doctor asked "Where does it hurt?"
  
  She touches her elbow and says, "here." She then touches her knee and says "here too."
  
  The doctor asks if it hurts anywhere else.
  
  She says it seems to be everything she touches hurts.
  
  The doctor says, "Well there is your problem. Your finger is broken."

• A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
  
  When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
  
  So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
  
  So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
  
  "How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
  
  So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
  
  

• A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a another woman. The blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own head.
  
  Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to shoot.
  
  The blonde replies, "Shut up stupid! You're next!"

• Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

• Boy1: A blonde and brunette are on the top of a building. Who falls off first?Boy2: The blonde?Boy1: No, she has to ask for directions on how.

• 
  A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.
  
  She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!"
  
  Getting no reaction from the blonde in the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out!"

• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"

• A blonde, a brunet and a red head were in a competition to see who could swim 60 miles accross a river. The brunet swims 30 miles, gets a cramp and drowns. The red head swims accross 30 miles, gets bit by a shark and drowns. The blonde swims 30 miles accross, says: "I'm tired." and swims 30 miles back.

• Q: What do you call a blonde sitting in the back of your 6th grade class?A: your 25 year old mom.

• The Boyfriend says to his blonde girlfriend, "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up in the sky and says "Where?"

• What's a difference between a blond and a mosquito? once you smack a mosquito it stops sucking

• How do you entertain a blonde?
  tell her to find a corner in a circle room

• Why did the blonde return the puzzle?
  It was broken.

• What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

• One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

  So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

  So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

  So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

• a guy asked a blonde if his blinkers were working and she replied
  on,off,on,off

• Anant got on a plane and sat next to a blonde, after sitting for awhile she sneezed, took out a tissue and whipped her box. Anant not knowing her said nothing and went about his business.
  
  After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and , the same thing, whipped her box!
  Finally,Anant got the nerve and asked " what was wrong?" She said that ever time she sneezes she has an orgasm!
  Oh! Anant said, are you taking anything for it?
  
  Yes,she said ---- black pepper!!!

• Q .. Why do blondes like lightning?
  A .. They think someone is taking their picture.

  Q .. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
  A .. From eating with forks.

  Q .. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
  A .. Because they can spell it.

  Q .. Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
  A .. Toes go in first.

  Q .. Why do blondes wear their hair up?
  A .. To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

  Q .. Why don't blondes double recipes?
  A .. The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

  Q .. Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
  A .. They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

  Q .. Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
  A .. They can't remember the number.

  Q .. Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
  A .. She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

  Q .. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A .. "What's a lightbulb?"

• A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

• A blonde walked into a drug store and asked how much a condom cost.
  
  The man behind the counter said that they were on special this week, only $.99!
  
  Not wanting to pass up a deal, the blonde said she would take one.
  
  The clerk rang it up and said, "Ok, that will be $1.04."
  
  The blonde said, "I thought you said only 99 cents?"
  
  Then the clerk replied, "There's the tax."
  
  The blonde replied, "Oh! So THAT'S what holds them on!"

• There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days."Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day."So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."

• Did you hear about the blonde who didn't have a date in 6 months. Well she thought she was finally going to be lucky...she signed up for the High School broad-jumping contest.

• What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

• Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
  A: Gifted.
  
  Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
  A: Pregnant.
  
  Q: What do you call a blonde with more than two brain cells?
  A: A golden retriever.

• "Have you heard my knock-knock joke?" asked the blonde."No," said the brunette."Okay," said the blonde, "you start."

• Why can't a blonde count past 68?

  
  Cause 69 is a mouthful.

• How many blonde does it take to change a lightbulb?A: 3. One to hold the lightbulb and two to turn the ladder.

• Q: How many blonds does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

  A: 15, one to make the batter and 14 to peel the M&M's.

• A blonde walks into an electronics store to buy a television. She finds a salesman and tells him, “I want to buy this television," as she points. The man tells her, “Sorry Miss, we don’t sell televisions to blondes." The girl walks out and walks back inside five minutes later with a brunette wig. She finds another salesman and tells him, “Sir, I want to buy this television,” as she points. The man tells her, “Sorry Miss, but we don’t sell televisions to blondes." She leaves and comes back once again, but this time with a red wig on. She finds yet another salesman and tells him, “Sir, I would like to buy this television,” as she points. The man also tells her, “Sorry Miss, we don’t sell televisions to blondes." Now, the girl is really mad and asks the man, “How the hell do you know that I’m a blonde?!” The man points and replies, “Miss, this is not a television, it’s a microwave."

• A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her
  might to hang on, but was thrown off.
  
  Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got
  caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued
  to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
  
  Just as she was giving up hope and
  losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

• A blonde pick ups her dress from the dry cleaners, when she leaves the Cashier says, "Come again!"
  Bonde said, "Nah..It was ketchup this time."

• A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette saidthat her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head
  and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.  The blonde asked inquisitively,
  "How do you give shoulders?"

• Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"
  
  The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"
  
  One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"

• Blonde: "What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?"
  Redhead: "Y."
  Blonde: "Because I want to know. Why do you have to question everything?!"

• A blonde a brunett and a red haired women are all stranded on a desert island.

  They find a lamp and rub it. A genie pops out and offers them all one wish.

  The brunett says "I miss my family so I want to go home", then she is zaped hame.

  The red haired women says "I miss my family so I want to go home to0" so she is zapped home.

  Finally the blonde says "I am so lonley I wish my friends back"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chucky Osborn

• What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"

• boy:Did it hurt when you fell from hevan?
  blonde: are you calling me judah?....
  {blonde walks off}
  boy tells friends: first brunnetts ,then blacks, now blondes? lets go for reds.

• A blonde walks into a hospital and says doctor I have pain all over my body. When I press my knee it hurts when I press my arm it hurts, anywhere I press I'm in pain. The doctor says you have hurt your finger and walks off

• Anna had a night out on the town with her friends.
  She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of
  a hang-over, so she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of
  strong black coffee.
  
  "Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night.
  How did I get to bed?"
  "Well, Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
  "But my dress?"
  "It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it
  up"
  "But what about my underwear?"
  "I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took
  the liberty of removing them".
  "What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"
  "Only the first time, Madam."

• Q: Why do blonds write T.G.I.F. on their shoes?

  A: To remind them that Toes-Go-In-First

•  A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
  
  The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"
  
  The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
  
  By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."
  
  Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
  
  The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL.

• A guy gets to have a chance of a life time. He gets to see his guardian angel. So the guy is really amazed.

  
  "Can you do any really cool miracles?" asks the guy.

  
  "Well, yeah, all kinds of neat stuff," says the angel. So they walk over to an old guy, that is blind. So the angel waves his hand and says, "Now you can see." The old man gets up and starts yelling, "It's a miracle I can see!"

  
  "How's that for a miracle?" asks the angel.

  
  "No, I think that's more like a stroke of good luck," replies the man.

  
  "Ok..." says the angel. They walk on further to where a 7 car pile-up just happened. So the angel waves his hand again, and everything dissapears. All of the people have been saved.

  
  "There, now that's a miracle." says the angel. Once again the man is not satisfied. "I bet you I could do better." So the angel gives the guy some powers and the guy walks over to a blonde and waves his hand.

  
  "Now, what is 2 + 2?" asks the man.

  
  "F-F-Four!" says the blonde.

  
  "Now that's what I call a miracle."

• Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"!

• Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days?
  A: Give her a piece of paper that has "Please turn over" written on both sides.

• Q: How did the blonde die while raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.

• There are three blondes on an island. A genie says they can only have one wish t get themselfs off. The first says" I wish I was smart" so she turns into a red head and swims off the island. The second says " I wish I was smarter than her" so she turns into a brunette and swims away. The third one says " I wish I was smarter than both of them" so she turns into a man and walks on the bridge.

• Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?From crawling across the street when the sign said, "DON'T WALK."

• Q .. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
  A .. Her IQ goes up!

  Q .. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
  A .. Bigfoot has been spotted.

  Q .. What does a blonde make best for dinner?
  A .. Reservations.

  Q .. What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
  A .. A visitor.

  Q .. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
  A .. Gifted!

  Q .. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
  A .. An interpreter.

  Q .. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
  A .. A Space Invader.

  Q .. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
  A .. Branch Manager.

  Q .. What do you call a smart blond?
  A .. A golden retriever.

  Q .. What did the blonde say to the physicist?
  A .. "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

• At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'
  
  'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
  
  'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
  
  'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

• A blonde walks in the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream cone.

  The clerk tells her that he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a pint of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, just vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a quart of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.

  The blonde then orders a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.

  The clerk then asks her how she spells van as in vanilla.

  She says, V-A-N.

  He then asks her how she spells straw as in strawberry.

  She says, S-T-R-A-W

  He then asks her how she spells fuck as in chocolate.

  After a while she says there is no fuck in chocolate.

  THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU

• An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

• Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

• Q: How do blonde braincells die?
  A: Alone.
  
  Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
  A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
  
  Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
  A: Blow in her ear.
  
  Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
  A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
  
  Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
  A: She drowns it.
  
  Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
  A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
  
  Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
  A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

• What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? ‘It’s okay, Daddy, I’m not hurt.’

• Q: Why was the blonde's bellybutton sore?
  A: Her boyfriend was blonde too.

• Q .. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
  A .. They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

  Q .. Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
  A .. They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

  Q .. A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
  A .. The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

  Q .. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
  A .. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

  Q .. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
  A .. She moved.

  Q .. Did you hear about Pepsi's new soda just for blondes?
  A .. It has "open other end" printed on the bottom.

  Q .. Why do blondes always rapidly flap their hands towards theirs ears?
  A .. They're refuelling.

  Q .. Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
  A .. She didn't want one for nights.

  Q .. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
  A .. Her husband is out looking for the other man.

  Q .. Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet?
  A .. She was last years hide and seek winner.

• Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

• A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a real bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls. Her car was really badly dented. The next day, she took it to a repair shop.
  
  The repair guy, noticing that she was blonde, decided to have some fun. He told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out.
  
  When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her.
  
  Her friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?" ... thinking the worst.
  
  She told her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
  
  Her girlfriend says, "Duuuh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

• A blonde walks into a porno shop:
  
  She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
  He answers, "35 bucks"
  She: "How much for the black one?"
  He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
  She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
  
  A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
  
  He: "35 bucks"
  She: "How much for the white one?"
  He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
  She: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
  
  About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
  
  He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
  She: "Hmmmmm... .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
  He: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."
  She: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
  
  Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
  
  To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

• How do you determine a blonde’s IQ? With a tyre gauge.

• A blonde goes into a kitchen store and says to an assistant "Can i buy that TV please?" The assistant says "Sorry we don't serve blondes." So the blonde goes out and gets her hair dyed and then comes back and says, "Excuse me can i buy that TV please?" and the assistant says "No, because we still know who you are."So the blonde goes out and gets plastic surgery. She then comes back and says"Excuse me, can I buy that TV please?" and the assistant says, "No, because it's a microwave!"

• A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

• Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?A: Because they leave to go answer the door.

• Q: Why did the blonde return the puzzle?
  A: It was broken.

• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!" The cop believes it's a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!"

• A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

• how can u tell when a blonde is trying to commite suicide
  theres 6 bullet holes in the mirror

• Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
  
  The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
  
  To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
  
  

• Q: How do blonde braincells die?
  A: Alone.
  
  Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
  A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
  
  Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
  A: Blow in her ear.
  
  Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
  A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
  
  Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
  A: She drowns it.
  
  Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
  A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
  
  Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
  A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
  
  

• What can save a dying blonde? Hair transplants.

• Q: Why can't blondes dial 911?
  A: Because they cant find the eleven on the phone.

• A group of blondes was going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day, I am going to dial 911 and call the cops!"

• What does a blonde in a supermarket bending over?Looking for low prices!

• Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

• What do you call a blonde with pig tails?A blowjob with handlebars.

• A blonde and a both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first?The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.

• Q: Why did the blonde girl stare at the orange juice box?A: The orange juice box says, "concentrate."

• After robbing a bank, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, "Meow." They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, "Woof, woof." Last, they kick the sack with the blond, and she says, "Po-ta-to."

• Q. Why was there lipstick on the blonde's steering wheel?
  
  A. She tried to blow the horn.

• A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

  Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

• What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
  You hear about them all the time, but you never see one.

• A blonde a brunett and a red haired women are all stranded on a desert island.

  They find a lamp and rub it. A genie pops out and offers them all one wish.

  The brunett says "I miss my family so I want to go home", then she is zaped hame.

  The red haired women says "I miss my family so I want to go home to0" so she is zapped home.

  Finally the blonde says "I am so lonley I wish my friends back"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chucky Osborn

• Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
  A: She can't find the eleven.

• One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.

  The doctor askes her what had happened.

  She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

  "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."

  "The bastard called again"

• A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

• BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
  
  WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
  
  BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
  
  

• I have no idea how to post this...yes I am a blonde

• A Blonde is having a great day.

  She is walking towords the elivator and notices it's leaving.

  She starts to run, but a man holds it for here and she makes it.

  When she's inside she starts thinking 'I'm in a really good mood, Ill share it with that man' Then says "T-G-I-F!"

  The man looks at her and says "S-H-I-T"

  The blonde is startled then says "T-G-I-F" again.

  The man, again, says "S-H-I-T"

  The blonde says "No, T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday!"

  The man replys "No, S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey Its Thursday."

• Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
  A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
  
  Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
  A: Her IQ goes up!
  
  Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
  A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
  
  Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
  A: Reservations.
  
  Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
  A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
  
  Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
  A: Change.
  
  Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
  A: "Thanks for the refill!"
  
  

• A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted, without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager, runs out to unplug the horse.

• A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car. "Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside. "No, but it's okay, I got the license plate number!"

• A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

  "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

  After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

  They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

  Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

  Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

  The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

  The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

• Blonde says to Anant " My boyfriend has dumped me. Why the hell guys want to marry virgins?"
  Anant "to avoid comparison"

• One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.
  

• Q. Why was the blondes belly button sore?
  
  A. Because her boyfriend was a blonde too.

• One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

  So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

  So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

  So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

• Blonde tells Dr Anant "don't you think that you males are the root of problems ?
  Anant - ??????
  Blonde continued - menorrhagia, menarche, dysmenorrhoea, amenorrhoea! !! All have one thing in common MEN. Is there end to it???
  Anant replying with smile - After 40 you get a phase when men won't disturb you, when men-o-pause will come!!!

• Q .. How do blonde braincells die?
  A .. Alone.

  Q .. How do you brainwash a blonde?
  A .. Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

  Q .. How do you drown a blond?
  A .. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

  Q .. How do you drown a blond?
  A .. Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

  Q .. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
  A .. Flattered.

  Q .. How do you confuse a blonde?
  A .. You don't. They're born that way.

  Q .. Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
  A .. She didn't know what number came first.

  Q .. What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
  A .. Divorced.

  Q .. How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
  A .. She threw it off a cliff.

  Q .. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
  A .. She fell out of the tree.

• A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.The man in the car says to her, "What do you have in the bag?"The blonde replies: "I have chickens!"The man thinks for a moment and says, "If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?"The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, "Okay, but I'll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!"

• What does a blonde use for protection during sex? A bus shelter.

• An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
  
  The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
  
  At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
  
  

• A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

  Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

  The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

  As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

  "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

• The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“The Cowboy says, “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..' and here I am.”Son of a Gun, Blond men do exist.

• She is so blonde, she thinks that Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

• A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

• There's a blonde walking down a trail. She comes to a river and stops. She looks right then left. She sees another blonde on the other side. She asks her "how do you get to the other side?" The blonde on the other side look right then left and says "you are on the other side"!

• A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
  
  The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
  
  So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
  
  The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
  
  They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
  
  They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
  
  On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
  
  There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

• Two blondes in a pickup truck drive into a lumberyard.

  One of the men walks in the office and says, “We need some four-by-twos.”

  The clerk asks, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

  The blonde says, “I’ll go check,” and goes back to the truck.

  He returns and says, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”

  “All right. How long do you need them?”

  The blonde pauses for a minute and says, “I’d better go check.”

  After a while, the blonde returns to the office and says, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

  Submitted by ravinder.

• One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

  So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

  So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

  So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

• What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

• Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

• A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right boob is hanging out."As he gets closer it becomes apparent that it "IS" hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"She says, "Why, officer?""Well, your boob is hanging out."She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

• Three blondes witness a crime so they go to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief shows them the first mug shot."That's not him," the first blonde states."This man only has one eye."The chief is stunned. "He only has one eye because it's a profile shot." He repeats the procedure for the second blonde."That's not him.This man only has one ear," she answers.He smacks his head. "It's a profile shot." He repeats the procedure for the third blonde.After viewing the photo, she says, "That's not him. This man is wearing contact lenses.""How do you know that?""Well," she says, "he can't wear glasses with only one eye and one ear, now can he?"

• What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
  The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

• Three blondes are walking down the beach. They see something and pick it up and rub it. A genie comes out. He says, you each have one wish. The 1st one says I want to be 20 times smarter. She becomes a brunette. The second one says I want to be smarter but not that much smarter. Make me 10 times smarter. She turns into a redhead. The third one says, I don't want to be any more smarter. Make me 100 times dumber.

  
  She turns into a man.

• Why did the blonde ask for some burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for her darkroom.

• A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
  
  When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.
  
  The blonde came to the door and the
  milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean
  15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
  
  The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
  milk and take a milk bath."
  
  The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
  
  The blonde said, "No. Just up to my waist."

• Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said “Look at that dog with one eye!”

  The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
  
  

• What do you call a blonde with an IQ of 70?
  Gifted.

• There was a blonde and a brunette who hated each other. One day, they started a fight and started calling each other stupid. So, the Brunette asked the Blonde to a fight to see which one was smarter.
  
  The next day, they met at the tallest building in Minnesota. The challenge was to jump off the building, and whoever got to the bottem first had a bigger brain. So, at the count of three, they started to run to the side... the blonde jumped off and hit the bottem first because the Brunette did not jump off because she new she could die. Later that day the Blonde died and the brunette officially won the challenge.

• A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
  
  by korowal

• Three pregnant women were waiting for appointments in a OB/GYN office. One was a blonde and two were brunettes.
  
  The first brunette saw the doctor and when she came out told the other two women the doctor told her she was going to have a baby boy because she and her husband had had sex when she was on top.
  
  The second saw the doctor and when she came out said the doctor told her she would have a baby girl because she was on the bottom when she and her husband had sex.
  
  After listening to the two brunettes and how the doctor determined the sex of their babies, the blonde who was seemingly confused and obviously upset thought she and her husband were going to have a litter of puppies.

• There was a blonde, brunet and a redhead they were on there way to heaven. God said, "I will give you 100 jokes; if you laugh you go to hell." The brunet laughed at the 10th joke and she went to hell. The redhead laughed at the 43rd joke and she went to hell. The blonde was at the 99th joke then she laughed. "WHAT THE HELL YOU WERE ALMOST TO HEAVEN ! WHY DID YOU LAUGH?", said god. Blonde said, "I just got the first joke."

• Q: Why do blondes have triangular coffins?

  
  A: Every time their head hits the pillow their legs spread.

• One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".

  He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".

  The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.

  Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.

  She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".
  
  He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Stasiu the Polish Freak

• Why did the blonde like lightening? She thought someone was taking a picture of her.

• This blonde called 911, screaming "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

  The dispatch said "Mam, please calm down. I need to get some information from you".

  Again the blonde yelled "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

  The dispatch said "Mam calm down, How do we get to your house?".

  The blonde replied "Duh... In the big red truck".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chris Ferrell

• A Blonde was riding a twin jet airplane when "BOOM", one of the engines blew up.

  The captain made an announcement and said they would be 1 hour deleyed.

  Suddenly the second engine blows up and a blonde says "Man We Are Gonna Be Up Here All Day."

• A blond gave birth to two twins and continously crying.A nurse asks her what's the problem.She replies,"I don't know with whom I have the second baby..."

• A Blonde was siting in a barber chair with headphones on. The barber asked the blonde to take off her headphones, she replied "No I can't". So the Barber waited for the Blonde to fall asleep then he took off her headphones. Idmeniently she died. During the police Investigation one of the officers listend to the tape the blonde was listning to. This is what he heard: "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in, breath out.....

• Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
  

• Q: What Do you call a Brunette standing between 2 Blondes?
  
  A: An interpreter
  
  Q: What do you call a Blonde standing between 2 Brunettes?
  
  A: Mental Block
  
  

• 
  Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up?
  
  A: The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real !'

• Q: How do you confuse a blond for about an hour?

  A: Give her a bag of m&m's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order

• A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do."Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

• Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
  She kept throwing away all the W's!

• One day a blonde woman noticed her house was on fire. In a panic she called the Fire Department.
  
  When the fireman answered, she yelled, "Help! Help! My house is on fire!"
  
  "OK, Ma'am just tell us, how do we get to your house?"
  
  The blonde replied "Duhhh!!! The big red truck."

• Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted!

• A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take
  her order.
  
  "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
  
  The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
  
  "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

• A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

  
  As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

  
  He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

  
  After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

  
  A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

  
  When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

• A Blonde was riding a twin jet airplane when "BOOM", one of the engines blew up.

  The captain made an announcement and said they would be 1 hour deleyed.

  Suddenly the second engine blows up and a blonde says "Man We Are Gonna Be Up Here All Day."

• How do you make a blonde a brunette? Turn her upside down

• Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
  A: A dumb terminal.
  
  Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
  A: So brunettes can understand them.
  
  Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
  A: The phone rang while she was ironing.
  
  Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
  A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
  
  Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
  A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
  
  Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
  A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button.
  
  Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
  A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.
  
  Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
  A: A case of empties.
  
  

• Q: Why can't blondes tie shoes?
  A: They just can't grasp the concept that the long thing goes around the hole, not into it.

• Why was the blonde so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?
  Because on the box it said 2-4 years.

• Four blondes are ordering a few rounds of drinks. Each time they get up, they toast and say, "14 weeks," then they down their drinks. The bartender finally asks the blondes, "What's the deal?" One blonde says, "Well, we bought a boxed puzzle. It said 'two to six years,' and we did it in 14 weeks!"

• I was on a date with layla, a blonde girl from Essex, looking at the menu she points and says,
  "oh i like the idea of this choice but it says fat free..i dont want any free fat!"

• There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
  
  Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do ... I memorized all the state capitals."
  
  One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
  
  "N", she answered.

• One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV".He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes".The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?".He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

• There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

• Blonde OverdueA blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!"In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library."So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor.

• There's a double Decker bus driving down the street full of passengers, blonde and brunette. On the lower level of the bus, the brunettes are having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing. On the upper part of the bus, the blondes are seated... they're in a panic. They're screaming, terrified, and holding onto each other as the bus moves along the street.Finally, a brunette gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask what's wrong, and one of the blonde's replies, "what's wrong?!? Well, you'd be screaming too if you didn't have a driver!!!"

• What is the difference between a blonde and a pothole?You swerve to miss a pothole!

• a Blonde a brunet and a redhead are about to be executed the brunet goes up first the executioner yells ready aim and the brunet yells earthquake the brunet escapes then its the redheads turn the executioner yells ready aim the redhead yells tornado she escapes too then the blonds goes up she knows what the other 2 did the executioner yells ready aim and the blonde yells fire...... think about it and kickass if you get it

• when my girlfriend twerks it makes the whole world rumble

• A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

• A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop. The blonde bartender doesnt get it.

• A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

• Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?A: "Toes go in first."

• What does a blonde say after having sex? What team do you guys play for?

• I used to have a best friend that was a blonde. One day we were talking about a cute guy that was really annoying at times and really cute the other times. We pretended to date so that I would be able to avoid her. After the date I told her that he wasn't my boyfriend. She asks "So what is he?". I say "Let's just say he's the opposite of 'my boyfriend." Then she says "So he's your girlfriend?"

• a blonde walked into a department store and said "i would like to buy this tv". the manager said "sorry we don't sell to blondes". the blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black. she went back to the department store and said "i would like to buy this tv please", the manager said "sorry we don't sell to blondes". the blonde was furious. she went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return. after a couple of days she returned to the department store and said "i would like to buy this tv please". the manager replied with "we don't sell to blondes". the blonde said how do you know I'm a blonde. the manager said "because that's a microwave"

• Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?A blonde tried to shoot herself!

• A blonde pick ups her dress from the dry cleaners, when she leaves the Cashier says, "Come again!"Bonde said, "Nah..It was ketchup this time."

• A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and sat down in first class.A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat. She refused. The flight attendent was persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked the attendent, "How did you get her to move?"The flight attendent replied, "I told her that first class doesn't stop in Detroit."

• A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all on a building about to jump off.They all jump at the same time.Which one landed last?The blonde because she asked for directions.

• Q .. Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
  A .. They're too hard to peel.

  Q .. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
  A .. Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

  Q .. Why does it work?
  A .. "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

  Q .. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
  A .. You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

  Q .. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
  A .. Proofreading.

  Q .. Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
  A .. For throwing out the W's.

  Q .. Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
  A .. Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

  Q .. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
  A .. To keep from bruising their ears.

  Q .. Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
  A .. So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

• A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

• Death: It's your time. give me your handBlonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!Blonde: *high fives* Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...

• Q: Why, on average, is the IQ so high in Japan?
  
  A: Have you ever seen a Japanese blonde?
  

• A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
  
  She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
  
  The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

• Q: Why was the blonde afraid to have phone sex?A: Because the condom wouldn't fit over the phone.

• Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?A: They both get fucked up when they're on their backs.

• So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

• What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra?‘Thanks for the refill.’

• A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

• A brunette, a red-haired and a blonde comes to an edge of a hill. The rule is: if you lie, you fall off the hill.A brunette says: - I think I'm the most beautiful... And she falls off the hill.A red-haired says: - I think I'm the most clever... And she falls off the hill.A blonde says: I think... And she falls off the hill.

• Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

• Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
  A: In case they have to draw blood.

• Q .. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
  A .. I'll tell you tomorrow.

  Q .. Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
  A .. She lost the recipe.

  Q .. How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
  A .. With a thought.

  Q .. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
  A .. The noise gave her a headache.

  Q .. How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
  A .. She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

  Q .. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
  A .. Perri-air.

  Q .. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
  A .. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

  Q .. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
  A .. When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

  Q .. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
  A .. She missed.

  Q .. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
  A .. Data transfer.

• One day, a blonde drove by a cornfield and saw another blonde out in the field trying to row a boat.

  
  "Geez, I hate blondes like that," said the blonde as she drove by. "If I could swim I'd go out there and kick her butt!"

• What happened to the blonde at the soccer stadium? She drowned in the Mexican wave.

• At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos.She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."The blonde immediately buys one. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?"The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."

• Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

• A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''
  
  ''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''
  
  A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

•  A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.
  
  Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
  
  Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
  
  Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
  
  Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
  
  Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
  
  Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
  
  Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
  
  Bartender: "What's a 15?"
  
  Blonde: "7 and 7"
  

• If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondesBimbaffled - constant mental state of blondesBimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of malesBimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbaitBimbag - a blonde's purseBimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbagBimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondesBimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondesBimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heardBimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anythingBimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cookBimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched herBimboette - a young blondeBimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone elseBimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondesBimboozle - to fool a blondeBimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentenceBimbozo - another name for a blondeBimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondesBimbrownie - a well-tanned blondeBimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually isBimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

•  A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
  
  In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
  
  The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
  
  In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
  
  He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
  
  The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
  
  In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
  
  The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
  
  The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
  
  "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
  

• One day a blonde stopped at a stop sign then a cop came down and said mam you have been sitting her for four hours what are you doing the blonde said waiting for the stop sign to say go.
  

• Q. What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?A. Run...she has a grenade in her mouth.

• An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond GUY were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."The blond opened his lunch and said, "Boloney again. If I get a boloney sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.The blond opens his lunch, sees the boloney and jumps to his death also.At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch!"

• Postcard from a blonde:Having a wonderful time.Where am I?

• A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

• A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

• A blond a, a brunette and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach.

  Suddenly a genie appears to them and says "I will grant you each one wish if you'll jump off the side of this cliff."

  So the redhead jumps off and shouts "Seagull" and turns into a seagull and flies away.

  Then the brunette jumps off and shouts "Whale" and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and swims away.

  Finally the blond runs towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as as she falls she shouts out "Shit"
  

• A tall blonde and a tall brunette are stading in an elevator. A short bald man with lots of dandruff walks in, then gets off at the next floor. The brunette says, "Boy he could use some head and shoulders."
  
  The blonde says, "Hm. How do you give shoulders?"

• Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, "This girl looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know her from." The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, "It's me you idiot!"

• How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.
  

• How do you make a blonde forget something?You blow in her ear.

• A blonde calls her mom...Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

• Why is a blonde girl staring at the orange juice box?The orange juice box says, "Concentrated."

• How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two. One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

• Q .. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
  A .. The back of her head.

  Q .. What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
  A .. Artificial intelligence.

  Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
  A .. Pull the pin and throw it back.

  Q .. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
  A .. They're both empty from the neck up.

  Q .. What does a blonde owl say?
  A .. What, what?

  Q .. What's the Blonde's cheer?
  A .. " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

  Q .. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
  A .. To see what was on the other side.

  Q .. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
  A .. From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

  Q .. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
  A .. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

  Q .. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
  A .. She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

• How is Santa Claus like a smart blonde? They both don't exist

• Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?
  
  A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

• A blonde calls a pizza place to have one ordered to her house. They ask her if she wants the pizza cut into 6 or 12 pieces and she says, "Cut it into 6, I could never eat 12 pieces."

• A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde."You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day," the manager said. "What's the problem?""I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"

• Why did the blonde roast a chicken for three and a half days? The instructions said ‘cook it for half an hour per pound’, and she weighed 125.

• Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

  A: Last years hide and go seek winner

• Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said, "You know,it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies, "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

• Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?A: So she could use it as a mirror.

• How to confuse a blonde: draw a circle on the ground and tell them to find the corner.

• As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

• A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

• What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of the pool?Air pockets.

• How do you entertain a blonde?tell her to find a corner in a circle room

• There was three blondes at the University of Texas. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. So they put the flag pole in the base and are then on ladders trying to measure the flagpole. Finally an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure and measures the pole. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. The blondes look at each other and say "Just like those damn architects give us length when we wanted height.

• Q: Why were there bullet holes in the mirror?
  A: A blonde tried killing herself.

• A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde.The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

• A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

  Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

  The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

  As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

  "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

• Once there was a magical mirror.
  When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.

  One day three college girls went to the mirror.

  The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one."
  Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.

  The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one."
  Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.

  Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*"
  Then she suddenly dissapearred forever

• Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
  A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
  
  Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
  A: She moved.
  
  Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
  A: A blonde parade.
  
  Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
  A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
  
  Q: What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
  A: Third grade.
  
  Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
  A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
  
  Q: How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
  A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
  
  

• One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass".

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chris McDonald

• How do you know a Blonde has been using the computer?
  There is cheese in front of the mouse.

• Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.

• A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

• Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
  
  The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
  
  To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

• What do a blonde and a halogen headlamp have in common? They both got screwed on the front of an escort

• Q. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
  
  A. It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

• A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

• One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.The doctor askes her what had happened.She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone."Well that explains one ear, but what about the other.""The bastard called again"

• Q: Why did the blond have TGIF printed on the front of her shirt?
  
  A: Tits Go In Front

• A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are.The salesman replies, "Try the other side."So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"

• Blonds are so stupid when you punch them on the arm they say
  "Ow my knee!!!"

• Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?A: She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

• Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

• Q .. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
  A .. The cow fell on her.

  Q .. How did the blonde burn her nose?
  A .. Bobbing for french fries.

  Q .. Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
  A .. She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

  Q .. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
  A .. Frosted Flakes.

  Q .. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
  A .. There's white-out on the screen.

  Q .. How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
  A .. There's writing on the white-out.

  Q .. How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
  A .. There is a stamp on it.

  Q .. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
  A .. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

  Q .. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
  A .. You can park in the handicap zone.

  Q .. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
  A .. It takes too long to retrain them.

• A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some difficulty walking.
  
  The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely."
  
  The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."

• Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone.

• Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you
  think, Tracy?"
  
  "Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"
  
  "Viens a moi."
  
  "Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"
  
  At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
  
  Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

• A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

• Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.

• What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block.

• A blond walks into a Sperm Donor Center and says "Mmm mm mmm mmm mm". The nurse asks her to repeat herself. "Mmm mm mmm mmm mm"! Again, the nurse asks her to repeat herself. The blond spits out what she has in her mouth, "I want to make a donation!"

• I looked into a blonde's eyes, but all I saw was the back of her head!

• A surgeon went to check on his patient -- a pretty blonde -- after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said after checking her out.
  "Doctor? I have kind of a personal question," she said.
  
  "Certainly -- doctors are trained to be discreet. What's your question?"
  
  "Well," she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"
  
  The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
  
  "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
  
  "Well yes, you'll be fine!" he replied. "It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

• A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.The blonde asked inquisitively: "How do you give shoulders?"

• Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first!

• A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"

• How do you confuse a blonde?
  You don't! They're born that way.

• A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

• One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

  The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

  Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

  The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

  The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
  And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

  -Submitted by Fish and Dodo-

• A blond whines at her mother:Mother, I’m impregnate!What? Where the hell was you’re head?What do you mean by that, on the pillow off course!

• A blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her breasts.A guy asked her, "Hey, what's with the shower caps?""Shower caps?" she responded, "These are booby condoms!"

• Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

  A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

• I knew a blonde that was so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

• A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down.The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house."That's OK," says the blonde. "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?"

• What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?I wonder if it's mine.

• Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”“Why not?”“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

• A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
  
  Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
  
  Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
  
  The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"
  
  The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."
  
  "Comfortable?" the guy questions.
  
  "Yes, you see she reads slow."
  
  

• A blonde was sitting in economy class... on a flight from Seattle to Chicago.

• A blonde drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read "1 Hour Only," but she wanted 2 hours to shop so she parked across 2 spaces.

• A blonde and brunette and a red head are stuck out in the middle of a desert with no city or town in site. The Brunette says "Well, I guess I will try and find up some food and water" The Red Head says "I guess I will build a shelter for us to live in for a bit. Then the Blonde says "I will take the car doors off so we can role down the windows when it gets hot"

• A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out. The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven." The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?" The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!"

• There were once these two blondes who were sitting around bored and alone one day. They noticed an article in the paper where they were selling bird dogs. Well they had heard that dogs make excellent companions so they went out to buy one. They brought the dog home and fell instantly in love with him. They had heard somewhere that bird dogs were smart and good at what they do. So the two blondes decided to take the dog outside and watch him do what he is was so good at doing. They tried it out a couple of times, but the blondes came off more disappointed than amazed at what the dog could do. Finally one of the blondes was sick and tired of waiting, she suddenly shouted out: "THAT’S IT! We’ll give this dog one more chance. We’ll throw him up in the air one more time and if he doesn’t fly we’re taking him back to the STORE!"

• A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says, "You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver's licence." The blonde asks, "What does that look like?" The blonde cop answers, "It is rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies, "Oh, I didn't know you were also an officer. You can go!"

• Q: What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

• Why did the blonde have a sore belly button? Because there are blonde men too!

• There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.

  They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

  So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.

  The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

  So they go out the back door and they see this barn.

  They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

  See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.

  Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

  They go into the barn and look everywhere.

  One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".

  So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

  He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

  Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

• How do you get a blonde to drown?Put a scratch and sniff on the showerhead.

• Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
  
  A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

• On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

• A police officer sees a blonde woman crying under a street lamp on the sidewalk. He asks her what's wrong and if there's anything he can do to help. The blonde replies, "I lost my wedding ring." The officer asks, "Okay, where did you drop it?" The blonde says, "About a block away, but the light is better here."

• **Newsflash**
  
  A new type of paint has been invented called Blonde.
  
  It is not very bright but it spreads easily.

• One night, two blondes were at the Sydney airport. The first blonde asks the other, "Which is closer: the moon or Melbourne?" The second blonde replies, "Duh, the moon. Can you see Melbourne from here?"

• Q: What is even dumber than a blonde trying to build a house underwater?
  
  A: A blonde trying to burn it down.

• Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

• A blonde is watching a ventriloquist perform at a bar and the ventriloquist, with his dummy, is telling blonde joke after blonde joke, filling the bar with laughter. After several of these jokes, the blonde stands up, infuriated, and yells, "Listen here, jack*ss. Not all blondes are stupid and the jokes need to stop, it is a very cheap way to get laughs."Stunned, the ventriloquist timidly begins to apologize, "Ma'am, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was offending anyone."The blonde replies, "Stay out of this, sir. I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!"

• Q: Why don't blondes like to use vibrators?
  
  A: Because they keep chipping their teeth.

• A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "HELLLLOOOO!!! You need to roll up the windows."

• A 65 year old blonde has a baby.

  All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

  When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”

  A little later they ask to see the baby again.

  Again the mother says “not yet.”

  Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”

  And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”

  And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

  The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• Q: How do you kill a blond in a swimming pool?

  A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom

• Q: How did the blonde break her arm?
  
  A: she fell out of a tree while she was raking leaves.

• This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company.He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”

• Q: Why didn't the blonde drive her SUV to the cleaners?
  
  Because the commercial said, "This car won't take you to the cleaners."

• Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme.

• One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office with a carrot in one ear, a cucumber in the other ear and two peas up her nose. When the doctor asked what was wrong, she complained she wasn't feeling well. The doctor told her it was because she wasn't eating right.

• As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
  
  The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I
  looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
  
  The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

• Q: Why did the blonde have tire marks on her back?
  
  A: From crawling across the street when the sigh said "don't walk"

• Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?A: She fell in the sink.

• How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday morning? Tell her a joke on Friday night.

• 1. How does a blonde kill a fish?
  Drowns it

  2. How do you kill a blonde?
  Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool

  3. How does a blonde kill a bird?
  Throws it off a cliff

  4. How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
  Tell her to go find a corner in a round room

  5. How do you get rid of a blonde?
  Tell her to go take a long walk on a short cliff

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Melanie

• Why did the blonde have square boobs? She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

• There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
  
  Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
  
  She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
  
  "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

• A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.“Did you follow my instructions?”The blonde nods…“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

• A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

• Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?A: They can't get their heads in the jars.

• How do you drown a blonde?Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool

• Q: How do you stop a blonde tank driver?
  
  A: Shoot the person pushing the tank.

• Redhead: "You ever smelled moth balls?"
  Blonde: "Yes, I think they smell good."
  Redhead: "Wow, I can't believe you got your nose between those tiny legs."

• Why did the blonde not talk during sex? Beacuse her mom told her not to talk to strangers

• How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive.
  

• Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job.

• One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first blonde prayed to god saying, "Please god, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this the second blonde prayed to god saying, "Please god, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave her a rowboat and she was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third blond had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to god saying, "please god, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned her into a man. He looked at the map, then walked upstream and across the bridge.

• What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?A blonde parade.

• What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
  Full

• A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
  "Very good," said her mother.
  "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
  "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
  
  The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
  
  The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."

• Two blonde chics are typing up their essays when one of them stopped suddenly, confused as shit. She turns to the other blonde girl and asks, "how do we spell 'laugh?'"
  The blonde girl replies, "duh! L-O-L... the 'F' is silent."

• Artery -- Study of paintings
  Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
  Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
  Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
  Caesarean section -- District in Rome
  Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
  Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
  Colic -- Sheep dog
  Coma -- A punctuation mark
  Congenital -- Friendly
  D&C -- Where Washington is
  Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
  Dilate -- To live long
  Enema -- Not a friend
  Fester -- Quicker
  Fibula -- A small lie
  G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
  Grippe -- Suitcase
  Hangnail -- Coathook
  Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
  Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
  Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
  Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
  Morbid -- Higher offer
  Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
  Node -- Was aware of
  Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
  Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
  Post operative -- Letter carrier
  Protein -- Favoring young people
  Rectum -- It almost killed him
  Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
  Rheumatic -- Amorous
  Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
  Secretion -- Hiding anything
  Seizure -- Roman emperor
  Serology -- Study of knighthood
  Tablet -- Small table
  Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
  Tibia -- Country in North Africa
  Tumor -- An extra pair
  Urine -- Opposite of you're out
  Varicose -- Located nearby
  Vein -- Conceited
  
  

• What do you call a brunette between two blondes?Translator.

• Q: What do dim lamps and blondes have in common?
  A: They both tend to be hot, but not too bright.

• A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.

  On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, “What is 59 + 2?”

  The first blonde contestant responded by saying, “57?”

  The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

  Then they asked, “What is 15 – 5?”

  The blonde responded, “20, right?”

  Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

  The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?”

  “3?” said the blonde.

  The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

  Submitted by abhi.

• A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were standing in a line before a firing squad. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the brunette yells "TORNADO!" All the people turned around and looked and the brunette ran away.
  Next, it's the redhead's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the redhead yells "HURRICANE!" Once again all the people turn around to look for the hurricane and the redhead runs away.
  Finally, it's the blonde's turn. The commander says, "READY, AIM" and the blonde yells "FIRE!" and gets shot.

• Did you hear about the blonde who was found frozen to death in her car last January in a drive-in in Minnesota? She went to see 'Closed for the Winter'

• A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.

  She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"

  The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"

  And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"

  The guy says: "In that case follow me"

  So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"

  So she picks up his dick, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

• Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
  
  A. Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.
  
  Q. How does the blonde confuse you?
  
  A. She tells you she did.

• What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?Artificial intelligence.

• A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will
  
  cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
  
  To that the man asks, "Anything?"
  
  And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"
  
  He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
  
  She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says,
  
  "Go ahead, take it out."
  
  With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"
  
  She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"

• A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

• Boy1: A blonde and brunette are on the top of a building. Who falls off first?
  Boy2: The blonde?
  Boy1: No, she has to ask for directions on how.

• On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

  The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

  “That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

  After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

  Submitted by abhi.

• A blonde girl was eating Cheerios cereal one morning, and turned to her father and said, "Look Daddy . . . doughnut seeds."

• À brunette was walking along the creek and saw a blonde across the creek. She asked her how did you get on the other side. The blonde looked at her surroundings and replied you are on the other side.

• A blond, a brunette and a redhead escape from jail and decide to hide in a barn. As they hear the police closing in, they climb into the loft and hide in three empty burlap feed bags. A young officer climbed into the loft, shined his flashlight around, and decided to check the burlap bags. He kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she responded with a convincing "woof woof". He kicked the second bag with the redhead inside, and she let out a perfect cat's meow. "Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked the last bag, the one containing the blonde. She yelled out "potatoes!!!"

• Interesting way to keep a blondeHow do you keep a blonde at home?
  
  Build a circular driveway.

• After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

• We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

• A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.
  
  "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."
  
  "Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
  
  "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

• A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
  
  "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
  
  When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
  
  "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
  
  The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
  
  "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
  
  

• A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him.“Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,” yells the midget.The blonde looks down and says, “I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.”The midget replies, “Not from where I'm standing.”

• A blonde finds a lamp with a genie inside. He says, "I will grant you three wishes."The blonde says, "For my first wish, I want my love handles to disappear."The genie replies, "Your wish is my command."Suddenly, the blonde exclaims, "Holy sh*t! What did you do with my ears?"

• How do you confuse a blonde?Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.

• Q: How did the blonde die at the baseball game?A: She drowned during the wave.

• How do you make a blonde’s eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear.

• A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"
  
  The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"
  
  The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

• Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, “I’ve got to take a crap.”The other said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.”The first one said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.”The other blonde replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?”The first one said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea– I’ll use that!”He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.His friend looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to you?”The first one replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”

• Brunette: I'll be the first brunette to walk on Mars!
  Ginger: I'll be the first ginger to walk on Venus!
  Blonde: I'll be the first blonde to walk on the sun!
  Ginger: You'll burn up if you try.
  Blonde: Don't worry, I'll go at night

• What did the blonde’s holiday postcard say? ‘Having a wonderful time. Where am I?’

• Q .. Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
  A .. They're too hard to peel.

  Q .. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
  A .. Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

  Q .. Why does it work?
  A .. "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

  Q .. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
  A .. You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

  Q .. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
  A .. Proofreading.

  Q .. Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
  A .. For throwing out the W's.

  Q .. Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
  A .. Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

  Q .. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
  A .. To keep from bruising their ears.

  Q .. Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
  A .. So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

• Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

  
  A: Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order!

• Why did the blonde snort sweet n' low?She thought it was diet coke.

• What did the blonde’s right leg say to her left leg? Nothing, they’ve never met!

• What is a brunette between two blondes?
  An interpreter.

• A blonde guy in the 6th Grade got a ticket that said 'Free Dress Day.' He came back to school and wore a dress that said 'FREE!' on it.

• One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

  The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

  Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

  The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

  The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
  And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

  -Submitted by Fish and Dodo-

• A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license. Now today you want me to show it to you!”

• Two blondes finds a mirror on the sidewalk.The first blonde picks it up, looks into it, and says, "Hey, I know this person! I've seen her somewhere before."The second blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh! Of course you have that's me!"

• Q: What is long and hard to a blonde?A: Fourth grade.

• A blonde had a near death experience recently when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes.

• There are three blondes on an island. A genie says they can only have one wish t get themselfs off. The first says" I wish I was smart" so she turns into a red head and swims off the island. The second says " I wish I was smarter than her" so she turns into a brunette and swims away. The third one says " I wish I was smarter than both of them" so she turns into a man and walks on the bridge.

• A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert. A genie appears and gives each of them one wish. The redhead says " I wish I could fly" and flys away. The brunette says "I wish I was home" and teleports home. The blonde steps up, sighs, and says " I wish my friends were back.

• Two blondes are walking down the street.

  One of the blondes gets a pocket mirror out to see how she's looking.

  She says to her friend. "I recognise that person in the mirror"

  Her friend says, "Let me have a look"

  Then replies "Of course you do its me.

• Two blondes were driving down the road.The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

• Q. Why did the dum blond keep failing her driver's test?A. Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

• Q: What's the blonde's cheer?

  A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O...ah, oh well..I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

• A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself.

  A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.

  "What are you doing." they ask her.

  So she replies "Hanging myself."

  The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck."

  The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."

• Q: How are blondes and beer bottles the same?
  A: They're both empty from the neck up!

• A blonde keeps checking her mail box. A neighbour notices her repeated trips to the kerb and asks if she’s waiting for a special delivery. ‘No,’ she replies. ‘But my computer keeps telling me I have mail.’

• Q. Did you hear about the funny blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?A. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

• Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

• Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, the Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

  
  Gabby was responsible for the food and supplies.

  
  Mike would be the cook this trip.

  
  Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule.

  
  Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule.

  
  And Sally, would test all their equipment before setting out.

  
  Well, they arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule, and were getting ready for their first event; hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and of course, Mike said he would.

  
  About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper because I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

  
  Sally replied, "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

• A Blonde was riding a twin jet airplane when "BOOM", one of the engines blew up.

  The captain made an announcement and said they would be 1 hour deleyed.

  Suddenly the second engine blows up and a blonde says "Man We Are Gonna Be Up Here All Day."

• A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

  When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.

  So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

  So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

  “How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.

  So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

  Submitted by abhi.

• wanna know how to confuse a blonde? put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.

• If pink and glitter were vitamins blondes would be the healthiest people alive.

• Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers.

• How do you guess a blond played at you’re computer?The joystick is on the chair.

• What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?I hope it's not mine.

• A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.""That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.""Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?""No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

• A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

  She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: “You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.”

  The blonde answered, “No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.”

  Submitted by abhi.

• Blonde - What does IDK mean?
  Me - I don't know
  Blonde - OMG no one knows what it means!

• There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
  
  The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
  
  So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
  
  

• Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
  A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

• Anna 2 Mom: Mom I have started loving a Boy!
  Mom angry: What?? How old is he? What does he do?
  Anna: He is 3 months old. Happily kicking in my stomach.
  

• This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

• Q: What do you call 10 blondes in a freezer?
  A: Frosted Flakes!

• There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.The brunette says: "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde:"So, do you see any cops?"The blonde replies: "Yes!"The brunette says: "Are they behind us?""Yes!""Are they close?""Yes!""Are they going to stop us?""I don't know!""Well, are their lights on?"The blonde replies: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...!

• Q: Why does the blonde have the biggest tits in the third grade?A: Because she's 21.

• Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?For people who don't drink.

• Q:What did the blonde say when she was making out with the Colonel?
  
  A: Oooh . . . I've always wanted to be debriefed by you!

• Q: What do you call a blonde in a swimming pool?

  A: An air bubble

• A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

  He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

  After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

  After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

  A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."

• Two blondes are nailing in roof tiles. One of them is pulling nails from his jar and if they face him, he throws them away. The other blonde asks what he's doing."Duh. I'm throwing away the defective ones.""No, stupid! Those are for the other side of the roof."

• Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

  A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

• During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
  
  After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
  
  Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
  
  

• What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? She said they were pretty good, but might offend some Puerto Ricans.

• A blonde and her boyfriend are going through they're daily routine in the bathroom when there's a knock at the door. The boyfriend who is in the shower tells the blonde to go answer the door.The blonde puts on a towel and goes to the door. A man is standing there, and says "Hey hun, do me a favor.""What?" askes the blonde."Drop the towel and I'll give you $500!." replied the man.The blonde drops her towel and jiggles her tits for the man at the door."Thanks, a ton hun, i'll catch you later" says the man and he hands her the $500.The blonde walks back smilling to her boyfriend who had just got out of the shower.As he steps out, he says "Hey hun? I just thought I'd let you know John will be stopping by to pay me back that $500 he owes me!"

• A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car."235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. TThe blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

• During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
  
  After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
  
  Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

• One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redhead's house while the redhead's father was out. The father had a pet parrot, which he did not let anyone else touch. But, when he left, the girls took him out. The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings. "Now you've done it!" the red head yelled at the blonde. "Go buy him another one just like that, here's some money." The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50. "Okay," said the blonde, "but it's going to hard to find a parrot with only one wing."

• One day a blonde went into the library and asked the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian replied, "This is the library." Then blonde whispered, "Oh. Can I have a burger and fries?"

• A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

• A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
  
  She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
  
  The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
  
  

• An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!

• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all running from the cops. They run to an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The cop chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack, with the redhead inside, and the redhead says "Arf arf!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag, with the brunette, and she says "Meow, meow." The cop thinks it's a cat, and moves on. He kicks the third bag, with the blonde, and the blonde yells "Potato, potato!"

• Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?A. Because she blows the horn!

• A blonde a brunett and a red haired women are all stranded on a desert island.

  They find a lamp and rub it. A genie pops out and offers them all one wish.

  The brunett says "I miss my family so I want to go home", then she is zaped hame.

  The red haired women says "I miss my family so I want to go home to0" so she is zapped home.

  Finally the blonde says "I am so lonley I wish my friends back"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chucky Osborn

• A Blonde walks into a bar with her boyfriend. She asks the bartender for some Bailey's Irish Creme and a shot of lime juice. She tells her boyfriend, swish the Bailey's around in your mouth, but dont swallow it.
  
  The guy does as she says and is pretty happy.
  
  Then the blonde gives him the lime juice and says pour it in, swish it around, let it sit for a minute and then swallow.
  
  As soon as the lime juice hits the baily's, the cream curdles and becomes a very disgusting mess.
  
  After he finally swallows, he turns to the blonde and asks, "What was that?"
  
  The blonde replies with a sly smile, "A Blow Job Revenge".

• what do you call a blonde with pig tails?... a blowjob with handle bars!

• What do blondes and turtles have in common?

  
  Get either of them on thier backs and they're screwed.

• What’s blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette…? A blonde doing cartwheels.

• Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
  street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to
  see her boyfriend buying flowers.

  She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
  flowers again."

  The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the
  big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

  The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations
  after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
  the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

  The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
  

• A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

• A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

• Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.

• A blond and a brunette were walking past a flower shop. The brunette looked inside and said, "Oh shit! He's in there!" "Who's in there?", the blond asked. "My boyfriend.", came the reply. "Well, what's he doing?" the blond inquired. "He's buying flowers." answered the brunette. "What's the matter with you, ...don't you like to get flowers?" "Of course I do, but therein lies the problem." "What problem?" the blond asked innocently. "For the next three days, I'll be laying on my back, with my feet in the air!" the brunette explained. After the blond thought about what her friend had just said, she offered, "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

• there are 3 girls on a island. they are blond, brunette and a black haired.
  after 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says "Go home alredy. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisley.
  the brunette says "i want to go home!" and poof she goes home.
  the black says "i want to go home!" and poof she goes home.
  the the blonde says "i want my friends back!"

• Blonde 1: Don't tell anyone but Bees scare me.Blonde 2: Dont worry, the whole alphabet scares me

• Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?A: For throwing out the W's

• A blonde just got a call from her boyfriend. He said i'll meet you at your house, so the blonde drove home, excited. Once the blonde got home her boyfriend was having sex with another girl. The blonde burst into tears and pulled out her gun then stuck it to her head. " No dont do it!" her boyfriend said!...... the blonde, not knowing what to do next said, " Shut up you cheater you're next!"

• A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
  
  Officer: What's 2+2?
  
  Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
  
  Officer: What's the square root of 100?
  
  Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
  
  Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
  
  Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
  
  Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
  
  The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

• A blonde has a baby and says I wish I knew who the mother is.

• A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
  
  On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has
  a bad case of dandruff.
  
  The man gets off on the 5th floor.
  
  Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."
  
  To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

• Blonde cop pulls over blonde motorist. Cop asks the motorist to see her license so the blonde searches in her purse & tells the blonde cop that she must have forgot it at home. The blonde cop asks the blonde motorist does she have any other type of identification so she searches in her purse again, looks at a pocket mirror & says, "I have a picture of myself." The cop asks to see it so the blonde motorist hands over the pocket mirror. The blonde cop looks at it & says, "Well if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over."

• Q: What do you call a blonde who knows how to read?
  A: A brunette in a wig.

• Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?A: She can't find the eleven.

• A blonde a red head and a brunet rob a bank and are running away from the cops. They are cornered in an ally way and hide in potato bags and the police check the bags by kicking them. They kick the 1st bag with the brunet and she says "meow" and the cops thought it was a cat. Then they kick the 2nd bag and the red head says "woof, woof" and the cops think it's just a dog. Then they kick the last bag and the blonde says " Potato, Potato."

• A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.The cop yelled, "Pull over!"The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

• How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?Too many to count.

• Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?A: They've both been laid all over America.

• In fourth grade, a teacher edited Chuck Norris's essay. Big mistake. You don't edit Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris edits you... with his fist.

• Q: Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' room?A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

• Why do Blondes like tilt steering?

  
  Because theres more head room.

• Q .. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
  A .. Knock on the door.

  Q .. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
  A .. The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

  Q .. What stops then goes then stops then goes?
  A .. A blonde at a blinking red light.

  Q .. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
  A .. A blonde parade.

  Q .. What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
  A .. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

  Q .. What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
  A .. Third grade.

  Q .. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
  A .. You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

  Q .. How to you keep a blonde busy all day?
  A .. Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

  Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
  A .. Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

• A bloke walks into a bar in the bush to discover a 44 gallon drum almost overflowing with $20 notes.He sits at the bar and orders a beer.A short while later one of the locals gets up, throws $20 into the drum and walks out the back. He soon returns shaking his head disgruntled and sits down.Five more minutes pass when another local does exactly the same.The bloke asks the bartender what is the go with the drum full of 20's .The bartender says that they have a donkey out the back that has never laughed in its life. So you simply throw in the $20 and have a go, if the donkey laughs then the drum and its contents are yours. Been going ten years so far.The young bloke gets up, throws his 20 into the drum and proceeds out the back. Within seconds the donkey his laughing its head off. As he strolls back inside all the locals ask what he did but he won't say and simply takes the drum full of cash and leaves.10 years goes past and the young bloke decides to pay the pub another visit.This time he sees a drum overflowing with $50 notes in the middle of the room.He goes up to the bar tender and asks again what the deal is with the drum.The bartender says that they have the same donkey still out the back and seeing as he had made it laugh, the deal was you now had to make it cry but it was a 50 not a 20.The young bloke gets up, throws in his 50 and goes out the back.About a minute later the donkey is crying his eyes out and the young man returns to the bar. The locals beg him to tell them how he has done it as it has cost them a fortune attempting it.The young bloke says that to make him laugh he told the donkey his member was bigger than the donkeys. Everyone sighed and understood how easy that was and why didn't they think of it.Now they demanded to know what tactic he had used to make the donkey cry so miserably.The young bloke replied that it was quite simple as well, he just showed it to him.

• why did chevy invent horns in there early days ? so blondes would have something to blow in traffic jams!

• Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?It hurts to boil their nipples!

• what would you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you,pull the pin and throw it back.what if a blonde throws a pin at you,run because the grenade is in her mouth.

• A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.
  
  "I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.
  
  "You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
  
  "I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
  
  "I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
  
  The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
  
  

• A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy.The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"The blonde said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."

• Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

• One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?" The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere." The cop replied "You retard that's your air freshener."

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Chris McDonald

• What’s it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear? Data transfer.

• One day while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny. The blonde giggled and replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!

• 
  A blonde buys a puzzle and takes it home.
  
  After an hour she has none of it together, so she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend Anant
  
  She says " I just bought this puzzle, but i can't find any of the edges and none of the pieces fit together".
  
  He asks her what is the picture supposed to be.
  
  She says " a rooster".
  
  He says " I'll be over in a minute to help you".
  
  When Anant gets there he says "damn honey! put all those cornflakes back in the box!

• Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

  A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

• What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

• There a ventriloquist telling blond joke . A blond comes storming up on stage and start says"blonds can be smart to you know,and I'm smart, I should know." The ventriloquist says" ok ok I'm sorry I won't do it again" then the blond says "you shut up and stay out of this cuz I'm talking to the jurk on your knee"

• Q. Why do you call a blonde "twinkie"?
  
  A. Because she likes to be filled with cream.

• There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.That night when he got home he told his joke.She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"She quickly replied, "M"!

• Q .. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
  A .. Her IQ goes up!

  Q .. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
  A .. Bigfoot has been spotted.

  Q .. What does a blonde make best for dinner?
  A .. Reservations.

  Q .. What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
  A .. A visitor.

  Q .. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
  A .. Gifted!

  Q .. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
  A .. An interpreter.

  Q .. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
  A .. A Space Invader.

  Q .. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
  A .. Branch Manager.

  Q .. What do you call a smart blond?
  A .. A golden retriever.

  Q .. What did the blonde say to the physicist?
  A .. "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

• A blonde was driving to Disneyland. She got off the freeway and saw a sign that said

• How do you keep a blonde busy for 7 hours?
  Give her m&ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order

• What's the difference between a UFO and a smart blonde?
  THERE HAVE BEEN UFO SIGHTINGS

• A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
  
  During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
  
  "I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
  
  

• A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.
  
  Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
  
  Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
  
  Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
  
  Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
  
  Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
  
  Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
  
  Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
  
  Bartender: "What's a 15?"
  
  Blonde: "7 and 7"
  
  

• Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First.

• There are three moms. .A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

• Three women all worked in the same office, with the same female boss. Each day they noticed that the boss would leave work early.
  One day, the women decided, that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.
  
  The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, played with her son, and went to bed early.
  
  The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting her dinner date.
  
  The blonde was happy to get home early to suprise her husband. But when she got to the bedroom,
  she heard a muffled noise coming from inside.
  Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see
  her boss in bed with her husband!
  
  Gently she closed the door, and crept out of the house.
  
  The next day the brunette and the redhead planned on leaving early again and asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
  
  "NO WAY," the blonde exclaimed, " I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!!!"

• Q. Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?A. Because she's been laid all over the country.

• One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.

  She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!

  She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"

  He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to shit yourself when hear the price!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Jr Jay

• There was a blonde and a brunette at a bar watching the ten'o clock news, and there was a man at the edge of a cliff about to jump off.
  
  The brunette said, "I bet you fifty dollars that he will jump."
  
  The blonde said, "Ok".
  
  They both put there money on the
  bar. The man jumped off, so the brunette took the money and said, "Do you know how I knew he
  was going to jump?"
  
  The blonde said, "How".
  
  The brunette said, "I saw the five'o clock news."
  
  The blonde said, "So did I, I just didn't think he would jump again."

• A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.“$200? – he replied.“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.The store manager said he couldn’t, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, “There’s a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don’t you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!” – he yelled.“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

• How can you tell if a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.

• A blond walked into a store to buy a pair of shoes. She found a pair she liked, and went over to the salesperson and asked how much they cost."They go for $300," said the salesperson."Ouch!" said the woman. "How come they cost so much?""Because they are alligator shoes," said the salesperson. "We get them from only the finest alligators in the Florida everglades."The blond thought about it for a minute, and then left the store. A couple of days later, the salesperson was going to Disneyworld. As he was driving, he happened to see the same blond standing in a swamp. She had a shotgun slung over her shoulder.The salesperson decided to double back to see what she was up to. As he approached her, her heard a loud BANG! He rushed over to see if she was alright.He saw her standing by five dead alligators. As he walked up, she was pulling a sixth one out of the swamp. She flipped the alligator over. "Nope," she said. "No shoes on that one either."

• A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone. "Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator."Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies."Okay, where do you live?""In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies."No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks frustratedly."Duh! Big Red Truck!!"

•  Two blondes were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
  
  The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
  
  "Impressive." said the second blonde.
  
  "Well, yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

• What is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini? You don't let your friends borrow your Lamborghini.

• Q: How can you tell if a blonde's boyfriend is also blonde?
  
  A: She has a bruise around her bellybutton.

• Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed?

  A: She wanted to know what she looked like when she was sleeping.

• What's dumber than two brunettes trying to build a house under water?
  Two blondes trying to burn it down.

• A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren't you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

• Q: How many blondes does it take to make popcorn?

  A: Four. One to hold the pan, and three to shake the stove

• Q .. Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
  A .. To see what was on the other side.

  Q .. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
  A .. Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

  Q .. Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
  A .. She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

  Q .. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
  A .. The vegetable garden.

  Q .. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
  A .. "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

  Q .. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
  A .. Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

  Q .. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
  A .. They keep breaking them with the hammers.

  Q .. What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
  A .. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

  Q .. To a blonde, what is long and hard?
  A .. Grade four.

  Q .. What is the definition of gross ignorance?
  A .. 144 blondes.

• A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

• Q: How do you know if a blonde has been in the refrigerator?
  
  A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.

• What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios? Donut Seeds.

•  A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
  awhile,
  he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
  The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
  joke,
  sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
  1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
  2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
  5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
  Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
  The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

• Me: If a blonde girl and brunette girl jumped off a cliff at the same time, who would hit the ground first?
  Friend: I don't know, who?
  Me: The brunnete, the blonde had to ask for directions.

• How do you get a blonde pregnant?

  
  Cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest.

• Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:"Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

• Q .. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
  A .. Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

  Q .. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
  A .. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

  Q .. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
  A .. Trying to hold on to a thought.

  Q .. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
  A .. They don't know the route.

  Q .. Why do blondes work seven days a week?
  A .. So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

  Q .. How does a blonde commit suicide?
  A .. She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

  Q .. How do you plant dope?
  A .. Bury a blonde.

  Q .. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
  A .. Wave to her.

  Q .. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
  A .. Shine a torch in her ears.

  Q .. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
  A .. Shine a flashlight in their ear.

• Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?A: Grade four.

•  A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
  
  "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
  
  When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
  
  "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
  
  The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
  
  "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

• There was once a blue-haired, a red-haired, and a blonde girl who were getting chased by cops. The girls then hid in three trash cans. The blue-haired girl hid and a cop was about to lift her lid, until the blue-haired yelled out "Woof!". The cop then says " Oh...just a dog" . Then he goes to lift another one, but the red-haired girl yelled "Meow!" 'Oh...just a cat." Then he goes to the final one and then the blonde girl yelled out "Tomato!"

• One eyed blonde
  
  
  Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''
  
  The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''

• A blonde buys a used sports car. However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop. The blonde calls a tow truck. The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again."What was the matter?" she asks."Simple really, just sh*t in the carburetor" he replies.Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"

• What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

• HOW BLONDE WAS SHE? She was soooo blonde... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. she sold the car for gas money. she studied for a blood test and failed. she thought a quarterback was a refund. she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. she thought Taco Bell was where you pay your phone bill. she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK". she tried to alphabetize M&M's. she tried to drown a fish. she wrote "Capricorn" on the application where it said, "sign here".

• A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

  "What do you mean?" said the doctor.

  The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

  The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

  "Why yes," she said.

  "I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

• A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde,"I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied,"Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach. The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

• A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
  
  They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
  
  "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
  
  Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
  
  I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

• What do you call a smart blonde?
  
  A Golden Retriever.what do you call a stupid one ? ...

• Q: Why was the blonde so disappointed when she got her license?
  A: She had gotten an F in sex!

• A blonde who is desparate for money kidnaps a child, pins a ransom note on his shirt demanding that $10,000 be placed in a trash can at the school by noon, signs it "from a blonde" and sends the kid home. At high noon she goes to the trash can and finds the $10,000 with a note saying "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

• How do you know that a blonde was on your computer?

  
  --when you see white-out on your monitor screen

• A man and a blonde are at an ATM. The man says "I know you'r pincode, it's ****" and the blonde says "No it's not! It's 4829!"

• Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

• What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme!

• A blond a, a brunette and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach.Suddenly a genie appears to them and says "I will grant you each one wish if you'll jump off the side of this cliff."So the redhead jumps off and shouts "Seagull" and turns into a seagull and flies away.Then the brunette jumps off and shouts "Whale" and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and swims away.Finally the blond runs towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as as she falls she shouts out "Shit"

• Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
  A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear.

• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island. The redhead looks to the east and says that the shore is about 20 miles away. She swims out 10 miles, but gets tired and drowns.
  
  The brunette also looks to the east, figures the distance to shore is about 20 miles, and starts swimming. She gets 15 miles, but gets tired and drowns.
  
  The blonde figures about 20 miles to the shore also. She swims 19 miles, to the point where she can barely see the shore, and gets tired. So she swims back.

• Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
  
  A: Run! She has a gernade in her mouth!

• One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake.

  She spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.

  She cupped her hands together and shouted "How do I get to the other side?"

  The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Steve Daynard

• A blonde mechanic told one of his customers " I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder!"
  Lol

• Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying. If you were, ZAP! it would suck you in and you were gone forever.

  
  One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.

  
  The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too, disappeared.

  
  The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ."

  
  ZAP!

• Q: How does a blonde order a root beer?A: Extra large, hold the roots.

• Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
  A: A visitor.
  
  Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
  A: Gifted!
  
  Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
  A: An interpreter.
  
  Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
  A: A Space Invader.
  
  Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
  A: Branch Manager.
  
  Q: What do you call a smart blond?
  A: A golden retriever.
  
  Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
  A: The back of her head.
  
  

• A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

• What are 10 blonde's standing ear to ear.
  A wind tunnel.

• Me: If a blonde girl and brunette girl jumped off a cliff at the same time, who would hit the ground first?Friend: I don't know, who?Me: The brunnete, the blonde had to ask for directions.

• How can you tell if a blonde's been in your car?
  The gear sticks wet.

• A blonde working in the coffin industry was thinking of various ways to improve her business. She thought perhaps a good way to do it would be to emulate the success of the fashion store across the street which had done very well with it's new "Buy 1, Get 1 Free" deal. Soon, a man walks in.
  
  "I would like a coffin for my father. But these coffins are very expensive!"
  
  "Well, sir, you'll be happy to know we have a 'Buy 1, Get 1 Free' deal!"
  
  The customer left.

• A blonde, a brunette and a redhead wake up on an island with a gun. Only three bullets were in the barrel."I'm going hunting," said the redhead, and she ran into the vegetation. She came back with a rabbit."How did you get that?" the other two asked."I followed the tracks, shot it and brought it back. The brunette, thinking that she could do better, went out and came back with a deer. "How did you get that?" the other two asked. "I followed the tracks, shot it and brought it back."I could do better than either of you" said the blonde and ran into the forest and came back with bruises and scrapes. "What happened?" they asked."I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."

• Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

• Q: How do you know a blonde has been in your car?
  A: The gear stick is wet.

• There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician, "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says, "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says, "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says, "Well then I'll go at night."

• Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
  
  In case she had to draw some blood.

• Q: Why did the blonde put water on her computer?
  A: To wash the Windows.

• A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"The guy says: "In that case follow me"So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"So she picks up his dick, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

• Q: How do you drown a blond? A: Don't tell her to swallow.

• A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"

• A blond a, a brunette and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach.

  Suddenly a genie appears to them and says "I will grant you each one wish if you'll jump off the side of this cliff."

  So the redhead jumps off and shouts "Seagull" and turns into a seagull and flies away.

  Then the brunette jumps off and shouts "Whale" and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and swims away.

  Finally the blond runs towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as as she falls she shouts out "Shit"
  

• A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way to trick people.You put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it. But before they do, you pull your hand away!"That is a neat trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isn't all too successful. Despite this, she decides to try it out on her blonde friend."Okay," she says, "I'm going to put my hand in front of my face..."

• Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.

• A blonde and her boyfriend are going through they're daily routine in the bathroom when there's a knock at the door. The boyfriend who is in the shower tells the blonde to go answer the door.

  The blonde puts on a towel and goes to the door. A man is standing there, and says "Hey hun, do me a favor."

  "What?" askes the blonde.

  "Drop the towel and I'll give you $500!." replied the man.

  The blonde drops her towel and jiggles her tits for the man at the door.

  "Thanks, a ton hun, i'll catch you later" says the man and he hands her the $500.

  The blonde walks back smilling to her boyfriend who had just got out of the shower.

  As he steps out, he says "Hey hun? I just thought I'd let you know John will be stopping by to pay me back that $500 he owes me!"

• There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting ''44 days! 44 days!'' One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, ''Why are you chanting 44 days?'' She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, ''A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!'''

• Q: What do you call an intelligent blonde?

  
  A: A golden retreiver!

• A blonde asks a bypasser:Excuse me, would you tell me where the other side of the road is?It's on the other side.Strange.. When I was on the other side, people told me it's here...

• Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

• A blond is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over.

  The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".

  So he radios the station and asks what to do.

  The cop at the station says "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvet?" and the cop replies "Yes".

  So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your dick as you walk up to her".

  So the cop does exactlly what the other cop says. The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his dick.

  The blond "sighs" and says please not another breathalizer test.

• Why did god create blondes?
  cus pets couldnt get beer bottles
  why did the god create brunnets?
  cus blondes couldnt either

• A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger.A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in window, he notices another blonde inside the car, coaching "No, no! A little to the left."

• Why is it hard for a blonde to count to 70?Because 69 is such a mouthful.

• There were two blonds on their way to Disney World.When they were getting close there was a sign that read, “DISNEY WORLD LEFT,”So they turned around and went home.

• Why is a blonde like a railway track?
  She gets laid all over the country.

• A blonde was trapped on an island and had to swim 1000 miles to get back to the mainland. She swam 500 miles and got tired, so swam back to the island.

•  An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
  
  The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
  
  At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

• The complaint letter from Judi:
  
  We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes
  about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate
  stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer
  and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all
  the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos
  all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
  
  We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop
  this pursicushun.
  
  We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much
  as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't
  get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we
  will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
  
  Sined by the blonds at the ofise
  (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

• Q .. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
  A .. The cow fell on her.

  Q .. How did the blonde burn her nose?
  A .. Bobbing for french fries.

  Q .. Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
  A .. She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

  Q .. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
  A .. Frosted Flakes.

  Q .. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
  A .. There's white-out on the screen.

  Q .. How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
  A .. There's writing on the white-out.

  Q .. How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
  A .. There is a stamp on it.

  Q .. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
  A .. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

  Q .. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
  A .. You can park in the handicap zone.

  Q .. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
  A .. It takes too long to retrain them.

• Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

• One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
  
  Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
  
  The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
  
  The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
  
  He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
  
  He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellog's
  Frosted Flakes back in the box."
  

• Q: Why was the blonde late for work?A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.

• Q: Why do blondes need see through lunch boxesA: So they can tell if they're coming home or going to work.

• A blonde desserts her home town out of shame, and colors her hair brown. She drives past a farm and sees all the sheep. She goes up to the farmer and ask, "If I guess how many sheep you have can I have one?" The farmer nodded. She continued. "159" The farmer is surprised. "How did you know?" "Lucky guess" She grabs one and gets in her car. The farmer comes up and says, "If I can guess your real hair color can I get my dog back?"

• Q: What do smart blondes and aliens have in common?
  
  A: You always hear about them but never see them.

• A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

• what do you call a blonde girl doing a handstand?
  a brunette with bad breath.

• Q: Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?A: She forgot to close her eyes.

• A local radio station had a contest to see who could cross the English Channel the fastest. Tell the contest was down to three people, a brunette, an old lady and a blonde. The stroke in the last round was the breast stroke says the D.J.
  
  Well, the old lady goes across first. She makes it across in 8 minutes. No problem for her.
  
  The brunette makes it across in an hour. She is a little tires but fine.
  
  The blonde goes across. Everyone sits waiting . . . and waiting . . .
  
  "Geez! What is taking her so long?" asks the old lady.
  
  The brunette just patiently waits.
  
  Finally, two exhausting hours later, the blonde makes it across, panting.
  
  "What took you so long?" asks the old lady.
  
  "No fair! You cheated! You used your arms." she said.

• Brunette: "where are you from?"
  Blonde: "California"
  Brunette: "what part?"
  Blonde: "all of me"

• How do blonde brain cells die? Alone.

• A blonde couple went to adopt a child.
  Assistant:How can I help you
  Couple:We want to adopt a baby
  Assistant:Come and take a look. Couple:Ooohhh this chinese baby is cute but will come get it later
  Assistant:why not now?
  Couple:First we'll have to learn how to speak Chinese.

• Why do most blondes have blue eyes?
  
  They don't. The sky is shining through the back of their head!

• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish. The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away. The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn. The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics."Crap!"

• A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

• What goes:
  
  blonde
  brunette
  blonde
  brunette
  blonde
  brunette
  blonde
  brunette
  
  A blonde doing cart wheels!

• Q: What do you call a blonde that dies her hair brown?
  
  A: Artificial intelligence.

• Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
  A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
  Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
  A: Run because she has a grenade in her mouth.

• What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter.

• Q: What do you call three blondes standing in a row?
  A: A wind tunnel.

• One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
  
  The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
  
  He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
  
  Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
  
  The blonde started laughing.
  
  This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
  
  This time the blonde laughed even harder.
  
  Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
  
  The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
  
  The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

• A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver,
  Officer: Can i see your drivers license?
  Driver: yeah i think i have one of those, what does it look like?
  Officer: It's rectangle is shape and has your face on it.
  Driver: Oh, okay, *pulls out mirror*, here you go.
  Officer: *looks at reflection*, I'm sorry ma'am, i didn't know you were an officer of the law, you may carry on.

• A man walked into a store and saw a blonde staring at a orange juice carton. When he went to pay for his goods he was laughing hystericly. The store clerk asked, "What is so funny?" The man simply replied, " I just relized that blonde over there is staring at the orange juice carton because it says CONCENTRATE!!"

• Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?A. A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

• A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
  
  The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
  
  The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
  
  Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
  
  She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
  
  She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
  
  The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger.

• How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1001.....1 to hold the light bulb and 1000 to turn the house.

• A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing."I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.""Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

• Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?

  A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

• Q: What's a blonde's mating call?

  A: I think I'm drunk.

• What’s the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

• What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?A blonde at a flashing red light!

• A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

  
  "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

  
  The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

  
  The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

• Two blondes were shopping at the mall.When they were done, they went out to their car, an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car.So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock.The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, "Hurry, hurry! It's going to rain and we left the top down!"

• A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F."

  He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

  He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

  The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time.

  The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

  The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

  The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

• Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?
  
  A: Once they're on their backs they're screwed.

• There's a blonde walking down a trail. She comes to a river and stops. She looks right then left. She sees another blonde on the other side. She asks her "how do you get to the other side?" The blonde on the other side look right then left and says "you are on the other side"!

• A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
  

• 1. Why was the blonde exited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months? Because the box said 2-4 years
  2. Why did the blonde sell her car? She needed gas money
  3. What do u do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin, and throw it back
  4. why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? To remind themselves that TOES GO IN FIRST.
  5. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree
  6. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Give her a sheet of paper that says "please turn over" on both sides
  7. What did the blonde bring to the super bowl? A spoon
  8. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
  9. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? She's trying to hold onto a thought
  10. What does a blonde do when you say "it's chilly outside"? She grabs a bowl
  11. What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last years hide and seek champion
  12. What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot

• A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone, with a gun to her head. She is depressed and finally decides that she just can't live anymore. Then, her husband comes home, finds her with the gun and begs her not to do it. "Please, honey, don't do it, i'll do anything you want, but please, don't kill yourself!" he pleads. "Shut up! your next!" the blonde says.

• A blonde came up to the librarian & yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters & the story makes no sense!" The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

• What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave.

• A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.
  
  "How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.
  
  The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
  
  

• Q: Why did the blonde take more than one pregnancy test?A: Because she slept with more than one guy.

• Q .. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
  A .. I'll tell you tomorrow.

  Q .. Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?
  A .. She lost the recipe.

  Q .. How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
  A .. With a thought.

  Q .. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
  A .. The noise gave her a headache.

  Q .. How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?
  A .. She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

  Q .. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
  A .. Perri-air.

  Q .. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
  A .. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

  Q .. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
  A .. When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

  Q .. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
  A .. She missed.

  Q .. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
  A .. Data transfer.

• Q: Why did the dumb blonde get fired from the M&M company?

  A: Because she throw away all the w's

• A blonde goes to an international message center to call her mother. When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims, "I don't have that kind of money, but I'll do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."He tells the blonde to follow him and takes her into a back room. He unzips his pants and takes out his penis. The blonde gets on her knees, brings it toward her mouth and says, "Hello? Mom?"

• A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.

  Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the Blonde replied, "How do you give shoulders?"

• A blonde is driving a helicopter and it crashes. When the police come and ask the blond what happened she says, "I got cold so i turned off the big fan!"

• A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
  
  The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
  
  She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
  
  The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
  
  

• Q: Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?A: They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.

• There was a Blonde and her husband.

  One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

  When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

  The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

• What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?Last year's hide and seek champion.

• Chuck norris sneezes bullets at people.

• Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?

  A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

• Q: What are a blonde's first words after graduating college?
  A: "Would you like fries with that?"

• A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

• Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"Brunette: "I don’t know."Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

• Q. How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?A1. "What's a light bulb?"A2. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.A3. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

• How does a blonde high-five? She smacks herself in the forehead.

• Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook? She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!

• A blonde mother would not change her baby's diaper for one month because on the package it said, "Good for up to 20 pounds."

• How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way!

• Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

  A: It takes too long to retrain them.

• What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
  Pregnant

• Q: What’s the difference between a smart blonde and a unicorn?
  A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters.

• Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.

• A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

• Why did God give blondes 2 points higher IQs than horses? Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

• There are three moms. .

  A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

  They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

  They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

  Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
  

• Q: What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
  
  A: She introduces herself and walks home.

• Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse?
  So she won't shit on the street during a parade.

•  A mummy polar bear and a baby polar bear are sitting on and iceberg watching an ice flow go by.
  
  The baby polar bear says to the mummy polar bear, "am I a polar bear?"
  
  The mother says, "of course you're a polar bear!"
  
  They sit silently for a while, and then the baby polar bear repeats his question, and gets the same answer.
  
  A little while later the baby polar bear says, "am I REALLY a polar bear?" By this time the mother is a little irritated, and says, "of course you're a polar bear! Your dad is a polar bear, your brother is a polar bear and I'm a polar bear, so you're a polar bear! What is all this nonsense?"
  
  "Well, if I am a polar bear, why am I so bloody freezing?!"

• Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland, when one of the blondes read the sign, "Disneyland left".
  
  So they went home...

• Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

  A: Gifted.

• Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?A: They're both empty from the neck up.

• A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

• A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

  "What do you mean?" said the doctor.

  The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

  The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

  "Why yes," she said.

  "I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

• A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land.The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde.I speak blonde."He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss."I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

• A Blonde was at a gumball machine. She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm WINNING!"

• Q: Where did the blonde tell her other blonde friend to meet her?
  
  A: At the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

• A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

• Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

• Q: Why was the blonde's belly-button bruised?
  
  A: Because blonde men aren't that smart either!

• A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes. "Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!"

• An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
  
  The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
  
  The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'

• A blonde is on a plane sleeping when the guy next to her says, "Let's play a game." She looks at him and tells him the she doesn't want to and she just wants to sleep, but he keeps bugging her until she agrees.
  
  He tells her that he will ask her a question and if she can't answer, she owes him $5.00, then she asks him a question and if he can't answer, he owes her $50.00. So he asks, "Who was the last person to sign the Declaration of Independence?"
  
  She quietly hands over a $5 bill. She asks, "What goes up a hill with 4 legs and down with 5? He has no idea so he gives up and gives her $50.
  
  The blonde turns back around and goes back to sleep.
  
  Not 2 seconds later, he wakes her back up and asks, "What was the answer?"
  
  Quietly, she reaches into her purse and gives the guy a $5.00 bill.

• Q .. What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
  A .. A blonde trying to put it out.

  Q .. Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
  A .. To get chocolate milk.

  Q .. What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
  A .. A dumb terminal.

  Q .. Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
  A .. So brunettes can understand them.

  Q .. How did the blond burn her ear?
  A .. The phone rang while she was ironing.

  Q .. There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
  A .. The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

  Q .. Why are there no brunette jokes?
  A .. Because blondes would have to think them up.

  Q .. How does a blonde make instant pudding?
  A .. She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button.

  Q .. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
  A .. When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

  Q .. What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
  A .. A case of empties.

• Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

• A blonde and a brunett where on ther way to heaven and the brunette asked the blonde "how did you die" ?
  
  The blonde said "I had a heart attack, how about you"

  And the brunette says "I froze to death, what caused your heart attack"

  The blonde said "It started when I came home from work and I saw a womans car in the drive way"

  "I rushed in to the house and asked my husband where are you hiding her"

  "He said hiding who, but I started looking around the house, I was so angry I dropped to the floor."

  Finally the brunette says "Damn!! If you had just looked in the freezer we'd both have lived.

• Q: What do spaghetti and blondes have in common?A: They both wiggle when you eat them!

• 1. How does a blonde kill a fish?
  Drowns it

  2. How do you kill a blonde?
  Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool

  3. How does a blonde kill a bird?
  Throws it off a cliff

  4. How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
  Tell her to go find a corner in a round room

  5. How do you get rid of a blonde?
  Tell her to go take a long walk on a short cliff

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Melanie

• Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?A. Locking the car door.

• A German woman is walking down the street.Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, "Nein!, Nein" So two guys walk away.

• A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp.After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for.So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars."Every blonde in the world will get two million."The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes."Now for your third wish." said the genie."See that stick over there?", asked the brunette,"I want you to beat me half to death with it."

• One night a man walked into a bar with an alligator.

  He stood up on the counter and anounced "If i stick my cock and balls into this gators mouth, let the gator shut his jaws and pull them out without a scratch on 'em you'll all buy me a drink."

  The crowed looked up at the man and nodded with glee.

  So the man whipped out his cock and balls and stuck them in the gators mouth then shut the gators jaws.

  A few moments later he hit it on the head with a beer bottel and the gators mouth flung open, he pulled his genitilia out without a scratch.

  As he was collecting his first free drink he looked to the crowed and asked if anybody would like to try.

  A hush blew over the crowed.

  All of a sudden a hand shot up in the back." I would said the blond lady if you promis not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle.

• Why do the blondes spill water over the computer?They want to navigate over the internet.

• A blonde and a brunett where on ther way to heaven and the brunette asked the blonde "how did you die" ?
  
  The blonde said "I had a heart attack, how about you"

  And the brunette says "I froze to death, what caused your heart attack"

  The blonde said "It started when I came home from work and I saw a womans car in the drive way"

  "I rushed in to the house and asked my husband where are you hiding her"

  "He said hiding who, but I started looking around the house, I was so angry I dropped to the floor."

  Finally the brunette says "Damn!! If you had just looked in the freezer we'd both have lived.

• How did the blond break her arm raking leaves?
  She fell out of the tree.

• Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields.One blonde says, "Look over there!" They see another blonde in scuba gear acting like she's swimming through the wheat.The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us blondes a bad name."The other blonde says, "Yeah! And if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and tell her off."

• Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

• A brunette was walking down some train tracks saying "21, 21, 21..." repeatedly. A blonde saw her and began to follow along. After a moment the blonde asked, "whatchya doin?" The brunette said "counting" and went back to chanting 21. The blonde asked if she could join the brunette and the brunette said "sure, hop up onto the tracks."
  
  Both girls walked down the track saying 21 over and over. Eventually a train started coming down the tracks, horn blaring. When the rails started to rumble the brunette jumped down and walked away to a safe distance. A few seconds later the train hit the blonde, throwing her far out into the field dead.
  
  After the train passed the brunette hopped back onto the tracks and resumed walking. Now, however, she chanted "22, 22, 22..."

• A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

  He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

  After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

  After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

  A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan..."

• Q .. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
  A .. The back of her head.

  Q .. What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
  A .. Artificial intelligence.

  Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
  A .. Pull the pin and throw it back.

  Q .. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
  A .. They're both empty from the neck up.

  Q .. What does a blonde owl say?
  A .. What, what?

  Q .. What's the Blonde's cheer?
  A .. " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

  Q .. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
  A .. To see what was on the other side.

  Q .. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
  A .. From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

  Q .. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
  A .. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

  Q .. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
  A .. She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

• Did you hear about that blonde who ran into that biulding you would of thought she'd seen it.

• A blonde is driving a helicopter and it crashes. When the police come and ask the blond what happened she says, "I got cold so i turned off the big fan!"

• a blonde a brunette and a red head are getting chased by the police and they hide in the farm.the brunette hides behind a sheep.the red head hides behind a cow .the blond hides behind a sack of potatoes.the cop comes in to where the brunette is ,"is anyone in here?".she says bahhh ."he then goes in where the red head and says"is anyone in here?,"moo".the cop goes into where the blond is and says "is any one in here?" The blonde says "potatoes"

•  She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
  
  She thought General Motors was in the army.
  
  She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
  
  At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
  
  She tripped over a cordless phone.
  
  She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."
  
  She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
  
  She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  
  She studied for a blood test.
  
  She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
  
  She sold the car for gas money!
  
  When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  
  When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
  
  When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  
  She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
  
  If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
  
  She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
  
  She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

• Q: Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' room?
  A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

• Blonde: I have a simple solution to all of this.
  Me: Simple solution?(sarcasticly) Do you remember when we got the keys locked in the car and it took 6 hours to get them out?
  Blonde: Yeah.
  Me: YOU WERE IN THE FUCKING CAR!!!!

• A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

• Slut - "I hate you bitch"
  Blonde - "Your such a slut, I bet your naked under those clothes."

• A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
  
  The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
  
  The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
  
  Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
  
  Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
  
  To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
  
  The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
  
  The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
  
  

• What do you do when a blonde throws a grenaed at you?
  Awenser: pull the ring and throw it back

• Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

• How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.

• What would possibly James Bond do if he faces a situation that he has to kill two goons with one last bullet left in his revolver?
  
  Well...he will take out a knife, place it in front of the gun, and will shoot. The knife will tear the bullet into two and this takes care of the two goons...;-)...not too bad!!!

• Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet? To feed the toilet duck!

• A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman."Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

• Three women escape from prison….one is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They run for miles until they come upon an old barn; they decide to hide in the hayloft and rest.When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tell his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them…..so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it……and she went “Bow-wow.” So the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went “Meow.” The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blonde said“Potatoes.”

• Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet?
  A: The 1863 Blonde Hide-and-Seek champion!

• How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.

• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few."Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Their's were still sticking out of the ground."

• There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win...they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back."A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

• Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror.
  
  She picks it up, looks into it, and says, "WOW! I know this person. I've seen this person somewhere before..."
  
  The other blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh, of course you have. That's me!"

• a blonde walks into a shop and asks how much is that t.v in the back.
  shopkeeper replies sorry i dont serve blondes.
  the blonde went away and died her hair brown and went back the very next day and asked again.
  the shop keeper says sorry i dont serve blondes.
  the blonde went away and died her hair blue and went back the next day and asked one last time.
  the shop keeper replies sorry i dont serve blondes.
  the blonde asks how can you tell that im blonde?
  the shop keeper replies thats not a T.V thats a microwave.

• What do a blonde and a door knob have in common? Everybody gets a turn.

• A blonde goes to a soda machine.She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

• A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

• A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "I'm washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.

• Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
  
  The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.
  
  They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
  
  The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
  
  Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
  
  The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

• A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
  
  The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
  
  The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
  
  

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• A blind man walks into a bar.The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

• A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.

  Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the Blonde replied, "How do you give shoulders?"

• There was a Blonde and her husband.

  One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.

  When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"

  The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."

• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.

  The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."

  The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."

  The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."

  The brunette cut in "You cant use Jack Daniels. Thats a hard liquor."

  A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"

•  A gorgeous blonde was sitting at a bar when a very short guy walks up to her.
  
  "Hi," he says. "I'm a leprechaun and I'm in a wonderful mood today. I'm going to grant three wishes for you."
  
  "Hey, that's great! For my first wish I'd like a million dollars," she said.
  
  The leprechaun waves his arms and says "Done. In the trunk of your car is a suitcase with one million dollars in it. What is your second wish?"
  
  "For my second wish I'd like a fancy apartment on Fifth Avenue."
  
  The leprechaun waves his arms again and says, "It's yours, and I even threw in the furnishings. Now, for your final wish."
  
  The blonde replies, "I want a boyfriend who looks like a Greek god and is hung like a horse!"
  
  "Done!" says the leprechaun. "He is waiting for you in the bed at your new apartment."
  
  "Wow!! This was so nice of you! I've got to go see him right away!" and she jumps up from the bar stool.
  
  "Hey, wait a minute!" the leprechaun says. Don't you think you owe me a small favor in return for everything I've given you?"
  
  "Well...ok. What did you have in mind?" she asks.
  
  "I think a blow job would be a fair trade."
  
  The blonde agrees, so they go over to a dark corner in the bar and she accomodates him. Afterwards, he says "By the way...how old are you, anyway?"
  
  "I'm 25. Why do you ask?"
  
  He replies, "You mean to tell me you are 25 years old and you still believe in leprechauns?"

• There was 3 women in the desert a redneck, brunette, and a blonde. They found a genie and he granted 1 wish to each one of them. The redneck wished for a fan so she wouldn't be hot. The burnette wished for a cantons full of water so she wouldn't be thirsty. The blonde wished for a car door so she could tool down the window when it got hot.

• A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

• How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.

• Q: What do you call a smart blonde?

  A: A Golden Retriever

• How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
  I'll tell u tomorrow

• A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord and nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

•  A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
  
  Cop: Do you know where you were going?
  
  Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

• A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.

  The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."

  The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."

  The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."

  The brunette cut in "You cant use Jack Daniels. Thats a hard liquor."

  A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"

• Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
  A: She can't find the eleven.

• A blonde in a bar is hunched over her martini spearing at the olive with a cocktail stick. A dozen times the olive eludes her until a man sitting next to her grabs the stick and skewers it for her. ‘That’s the way to do it,’ he says. ‘Big deal,’ replies the blonde. ‘You’d never have got it unless I’d tired it out first.’

• One day a blonde woman entered an autobody shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new car.The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they’d all pop out.The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing.After hearing the whole story the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down. Your personal check for the full $30,000.”

• Double heart attack message by a girlfriend to a boyfriend:
  1st Msg:"Lets break up now,
  its all over..
  2nd Msg:"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry!
  That was not for you.....

• How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch ’n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

• What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

• Q: Why do blondes leave empty beer cans in their refrigerator?
  A: For their friends that don't drink.

• Q .. Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
  A .. They're too hard to peel.

  Q .. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
  A .. Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

  Q .. Why does it work?
  A .. "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

  Q .. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
  A .. You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

  Q .. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
  A .. Proofreading.

  Q .. Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
  A .. For throwing out the W's.

  Q .. Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
  A .. Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

  Q .. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
  A .. To keep from bruising their ears.

  Q .. Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
  A .. So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

• One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake.

  She spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.

  She cupped her hands together and shouted "How do I get to the other side?"

  The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Steve Daynard

• Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes? Because at 69 they blow a rod.

• A Blonde calls up her friend and askes her if she can come over and help her with this awesome puzzle she just got. Well, the friend fugured "Hey, I'm pretty good at puzzles, so what have I got to loose." The friend goes over to her Blonde friend's house and tells her to take her to the puzzle. The Blonde takes her friend into the kitchen and asks the Blonde what the puzzle was supposed to be a picture of. The Blonde replied "a tiger". The friend looks at the box the Blonde showed her. The friend said "well, 2 things: #1, this puzzle will NEVER look like a tiger, and #2, put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

• Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?A: Pregnant.

• Why are so many blonde jokes one liners?

  So brunettes can remember them.

  Submitted by abhi.

• Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
  A: Shine a flashlight in her ears.

• A guy had a date with this really hot blonde. He wanted a tan, so he went up on his roof and stripped because he didn't want a tan line. But he fell asleep and woke up three hours later with a sunburn, especially on his d**k. He puts lotion on it, wraps it up and gets ready for his date.The blonde comes over, they make dinner and are watching a movie when the sunburn on the guy's d**k really starts to hurt. So he excuses himself to the kitchen, where he pours milk on his d**k to alleviate the burn. The blonde, who has followed him, peeks in the kitchen and says to herself, "So that's how they load them."

• A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!""Very good," said her mother."Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?""Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."

• Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?A: 144 blondes.

• A blonde goes to her doctor and says that every time she drinks a coffee her eye hurts. The doctor prepared her a hot, fresh cup of coffee to see what really happens. She took a sip of the coffee and screamed, "Ouch, that hurts!" The doctor said, "I know your problem." The blonde asked, "Is it bad, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, you just need to take your spoon out of your cup before you drink your coffee."

• Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
  
  The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."
  
  The second woman says, "Oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
  
  To which the first replies, "Wow, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
  
  

• Q: How many blonde jokes are there?A: One. The rest are all true stories.

• A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk, “Where do you keep the curtains for computers?” The clerk answers with a puzzled face, “Curtains for computers? You don’t need curtains for computers.” The blonde’s eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers, “Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!”

• Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
  
  A: Put a flashlight in her ear.

• This blonde calls me and says, "What's your phone number? I cant find it!"

• The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore.She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11.About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms.He decides to see if she needs any help.He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

•  A blonde walks into a drug store to buy some rubbers. She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
  
  "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
  
  "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on.

• 
  How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
  
  Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.

• A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will
  
  cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
  
  To that the man asks, "Anything?"
  
  And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"
  
  He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
  
  She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says,
  
  "Go ahead, take it out."
  
  With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"
  
  She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"

• One night a man walked into a bar with an alligator.

  He stood up on the counter and anounced "If i stick my cock and balls into this gators mouth, let the gator shut his jaws and pull them out without a scratch on 'em you'll all buy me a drink."

  The crowed looked up at the man and nodded with glee.

  So the man whipped out his cock and balls and stuck them in the gators mouth then shut the gators jaws.

  A few moments later he hit it on the head with a beer bottel and the gators mouth flung open, he pulled his genitilia out without a scratch.

  As he was collecting his first free drink he looked to the crowed and asked if anybody would like to try.

  A hush blew over the crowed.

  All of a sudden a hand shot up in the back." I would said the blond lady if you promis not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle.

• A policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration.Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.”“Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no! Not another breathalizer test!”

• There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette.

  They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage.

  So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops.

  The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

  So they go out the back door and they see this barn.

  They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.

  See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack.

  Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.

  They go into the barn and look everywhere.

  One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks".

  So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself.

  He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks.

  Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!"

• Q. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?A. A blonde parade.

• Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
  Brunette: "I don’t know."
  Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

• Q: How do you know if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
  
  A: They leave M&M shells on the kitchen floor.

• A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please.The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

• Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
  
  A: You don't share a toothbrush with your friends.

• Q .. Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
  A .. To see what was on the other side.

  Q .. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
  A .. Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

  Q .. Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
  A .. She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

  Q .. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
  A .. The vegetable garden.

  Q .. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
  A .. "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

  Q .. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
  A .. Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

  Q .. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
  A .. They keep breaking them with the hammers.

  Q .. What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
  A .. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

  Q .. To a blonde, what is long and hard?
  A .. Grade four.

  Q .. What is the definition of gross ignorance?
  A .. 144 blondes.

• Why did the blonde woman shoot out all the mirrors in her home?
  Because when she looked out THOSE windows...the OTHER crazy blonde b*tch copied her every move.

• One day a Blonde went the doctor with a burn on her stomach. The doctor gasped and asked what happened. the Blonde told the doctor she put a lighter against her stomach. the doctor asked her why in the world she would do that. the blond said "I was trying to burn calories."

• Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

• Q: Why does it work?
  A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
  
  Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
  A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
  
  Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
  A: Proofreading.
  
  Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
  A: For throwing out the W's.
  
  Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
  A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
  
  Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
  A: To keep from bruising their ears.
  
  Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
  A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
  
  

• There is a blond a brenet and a red head they all go hunting and the first one that goes hunting is the brenet so she goes and comes back with a rabbit and the others ask "how did you do that?!" and she said I found tracks followed tracks and got the rabbit so the redhead says "let me see that!" she goes and she comes and the blond says "how did you do that?!" and she says found track followed tracks got the rabbit so the blond takes the gun and goes and comes back with no gun no rabbit with a broken arm eye ball poping out and they ask her what happened and she said found tracks got hit by a train

• Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
  
  A: She threw it off a cliff.

• A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

• this guy goes over to his friends house and he takes his girlfriend with him so his friend can meet her. Two weeks later they see each other and the guy was with a new girl so the other guy walks up and says hey man i see you got a new girl what happen to that blonde she was a b*tch the girl says I dyed my hair

• Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Who cares?

• A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."

• One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time."I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

• A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
  The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
  'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
  
  The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for
  about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
  
  The interviewer tries another straightforward one
  to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height,
  please?'
  
  The young lady stands up and produces a measuring
  tape from her handbag. She then traps one end
  under her foot and extends the tape to the top of
  her head. She checks the measurement and announces,
  'Five foot two!'
  
  This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for
  the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our
  records, your name please?'
  
  The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about
  twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,
  before replying, 'Mandy!'
  
  The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
  he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand
  your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and
  the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what
  were you doing when we asked you your name?'
  
  'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running
  through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

• Q: How did the blonde rob the drive-up window at the bank?

  A: She put her gun in the little basket along with a note that said "This is a stick-up"

• How do you confuse a blonde?
  You don't -- they're born that way.

•  A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
  
  Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!
  
  Blonde: That's nothing, last night I had over a hundred.
  
  Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
  
  Blonde: Oh, you mean with one guy?!?

• If you don't know who your father is, odds are it's Chuck Norris.

• Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

• Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?" They chuckle and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

• Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
  
  The other blonde noticed what she was doing and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
  
  The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
  
  The second blonde got really excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They for the other side of the house!"

• In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first.
  
  "I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
  
  "POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
  
  "POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.
  
  "I think--"
  
  "POOF!"

• A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
  Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
  The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning! "

• Be careful never to let a blonde have a coffee break... It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!

• I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.

• A smart blonde, Santa Claus, and a leprechaun are in a kitchen. There is a $100 dollar bill on the floor. Who picks it up? Nobody, because none of them exist.

• A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were asked where they would like to go.The brunette said she would like to go to Mars. The redhead said she would like to go to Venus. The blonde said she would like to go to the Sun."But you would burn up", said the brunette. "Well, I would go at night. Duh", said the blonde.

• There are three 6th grade girls: a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest tits?The blonde....she's 18.

• Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse?So she won't shit on the street during a parade.

• Blonde1- Hey can I have some of your shampoo?
  Blonde2- Yeah, why not use yours?
  Blonde1- Mine is for dry hair and I got it wet already.

• A Blonde was driving down the road, and spotted another blonde in the middle of a hayfield rowing a boat. She stopped the car, got out and went to the shoulder of the road, and yelled, "You know, it's blondes like you that give blondes a bad name!, and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass!"

• A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried. When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...”

• During her company's periodic password audit, a blond employee was found to be using this password:GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinniePhoenixWhen she was asked why she had such a long password, she said, "The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital."

• How is a blond with makeup called?Simpleminded picture.

• Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common? A: You always hear about them but never see them.

• One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.

  She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!

  She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"

  He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to shit yourself when hear the price!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Jr Jay

• This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.The guy asks, "What are you carrying?""Melons," the blonde replies."Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them"

• A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, “Can I buy that TV”“No”“Why not?”“Because your a blonde.”So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, “Can I buy that TV?”“No”“Why not?”“Your a blonde.”So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, “Can I buy that TV?”“No”“Why not?”“You’re a blonde”“How can you tell I’m a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!”“Because that’s not a TV, that’s a microwave!”

•  One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
  
  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he called out to me,
  
  "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
  
  "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
  
  He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."
  
  And they say blondes are dumb.

• A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.
  
  "Yes we do," he says. "Would you like to buy some?"
  
  "No," she replies. "But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

• One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.

  She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!

  She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"

  He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to shit yourself when hear the price!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Jr Jay

• Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M and M's factory?A: She threw away all of the "W's".

• A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on top of a cliff. A magical bird flies to them and tells them that each one of them can jump off the cliff and wish to be one thing to fly away on. They will become that thing and can escape from their arduous situation.The redhead goes first. She jumps and says "eagle!". She turns into an eagle and flies away.The brunette jumps off and says,"hawk!" she turns into a hawk and flies away.The blonde takes a running start, trips on a rock as she nears the edge. "Oh crap!" she yells.

• A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
  
  The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
  
  The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
  
  Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
  
  The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
  
  The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
  
  Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
  
  The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."
  
  The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
  
  He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
  
  "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

• A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"

• A blond was taking a shower and her husband called in and asked "did you find the new dry hair shampoo I picked up for you?" And the blond replied "yes but there's a problem I already got my hair wet"

• A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

• A blonde went to buy a pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

• Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?A: She missed.

• What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? Data transfer.

• Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer?
  A: Frosted flakes

• Yesterday, a blonde called me and asked for my phone number.

• There's this blonde.

  She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"

  The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"

  So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.

  She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".

  So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.

  The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.

  The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

• A blondes apartment was on fire. She called 911.

  
  Operator: 911 what is your emergency? Blonde: My apartment is on fire! Operator: How do we get there? Blonde: Duhh... big red truck!

• An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?", the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

• Why do blondes like lightning? "They think someone is taking their picture."

• What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
  A washing machine doesn't follow you around for three weeks after you dump your load into it.

• Daffy (a blonde duck) was a bit behind schedule. Winter had arrived already and she was just heading south. As she was flying above a small lake, she spotted a net and figured it was just as good a time as any to stop for a snack. Perhaps she could steal a fish before someone caught her. When she landed by the net, there was quite the commotion and she was hit . . . by the puck.

• Q. Why don't blondes eat Jello?A. They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

• How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?Her ears flap.

• What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

  
  Run like Hell, because she has a grenade in her mouth!!!

• Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?

  A: Because they can spell it.

• Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
  A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
  
  Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
  A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
  
  Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
  A: Perri-air.
  
  Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
  A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
  
  Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
  A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
  
  Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
  A: She missed.
  
  Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
  A: Data transfer.
  
  

• Q. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?A. Divorcee'

• Morris and Becky were delighted when finally
  their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
  The adoption center called and told them they
  had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple
  took him without hesitation.
  
  On the way home from the adoption center, they
  stopped by the local college so they each could
  enroll in night courses.
  
  After they filled out the form, the registration
  clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study
  Russian?"
  
  The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a
  Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start
  to talk. We just want to be able to understand
  him."

• Q: Why does a blonde's coffin need to be extra wide?
  
  A: Because when you put them on their back they spread their legs.

• There's this blonde.

  She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat. The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets. She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"

  The blonde replies "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica"

  So the flight attendant, now hot under the collar at the blonde's response, goes to another flight attendant and tells him what happened. so he goes up to her and asks her to move to the back of the plane.

  She then responds "I'm a blonde, I'm smart and have a good job. I'm not moving until the plane arrives in Jamaica".

  So the two flight attendants are steaming mad and they go to the co-pilot and tells him what is going on. He comes back to where the blonde is sitting and leans over and whispers something in her ear.

  The two flight attendants were astonished when the blonde abruptly got up from her seat and moved to the back of the plane. They looked at each other and then the co-pilot and asked him what he told her.

  The co-pilot, feeling good about himself told them "oh, this happened a while back with someone else. I just simply told the woman that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Jamaica".

• Q: A blonde and a burnette jump off a cliff, both at the same time. Who hits first?

  A: The burnette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

• Brunette: "Do you see that dead bird?"
  Blonde: [looks up] "OMG! Where is it?"

• A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
  "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
  The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
  The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

• A redhead, a brunette and a blonde robbed a supermarket.While the robbery was in progress, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in.When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.

• A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."
  Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
  Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."

• Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

  So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

• Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
  
  The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''

• I'm blonde. What's your excuse?

• A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?""The sucker called again!"

• Q: Why does the blonde have the biggest breasts in the third grade?
  A: Because she's 21.

• How come you don’t find stupid brunettes anywhere?Because they all painted themselves blond.

• There once was a magic mirror which would kill your if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.
  
  Submitted by
  

• Q: Why did the blond have rectangle breasts?
  A: Because she forgot to take the tissue out of the box.

• How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.

• There was a blonde who wanted a promotion at work, but her employer denied her the oppurtunity because she was blonde, so she dyed her hair a light brown colour, thinking it would do the trick, she would try it at work but first she was going to try it on the general public. So one day, she was in the countryside, and she pulled up by a farm, there was a farmer tending to some sheep, when she asked, "if I can count how many sheep are in your field, could I have one."
  "That is a deal, young lady," he replied. So she counted them up and finally counted them all.
  "126"
  "Well young lady, a deal is a deal, take your pick"
  She was walking back to the car when the farmer called. "Young lady, if I guess what colour your hair really is, can I have my dog back??"

• A Blonde calls up her friend and askes her if she can come over and help her with this awesome puzzle she just got. Well, the friend fugured "Hey, I'm pretty good at puzzles, so what have I got to loose." The friend goes over to her Blonde friend's house and tells her to take her to the puzzle. The Blonde takes her friend into the kitchen and asks the Blonde what the puzzle was supposed to be a picture of. The Blonde replied "a tiger". The friend looks at the box the Blonde showed her. The friend said "well, 2 things: #1, this puzzle will NEVER look like a tiger, and #2, put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

• What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader.

• Q. Why was the blonde in the tree?A. Because she was raking up the leaves!

• A blonde went down to the job agency, looking for a job.
  
  The hiring agent said, "I have the perfect job for you . . . painting the lines down the middle of the road."
  
  Reluctantly, the blonde took the position.
  
  The blonde takes her paint pail and begins painting lines down the road. The first day she paints five miles of roadway and does very well.
  
  The next day, however, she only paints three miles.
  
  On her third day she paints just one mile of roadway.
  
  On the fourth day, her boss asked her why her work was deteriorating.
  
  "I'm sorry sir," she replies, "but every day the paint pot just keeps getting further and further away!"

• A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
  
  She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
  
  Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"
  
  The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

• A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the
  mailman to make his rounds.
  
  A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was
  waiting for a special delivery.
  
  "No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."

• Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

• Three blondes and a brunette are hanging on the wing of an airplane in flight. The pilot tells them that they are too heavy and one of them has to get off or they will all die. After a minute, the blondes decide that the brunette should get off. "Okay, but I want these to be my last words," the brunette replies and begins to sing, "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands..."

• A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd sworn off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.
  
  "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
  
  "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

• Q: What is a blonde's version of safe sex?

  
  A: Locking the car doors.

• Q: Why did the blonde climb on to the roof?A: Someone told her the drinks were on the house.

• A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil - if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question - to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well - but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts."Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?""That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them.""No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"

• Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

  A: Change.

• How do you confuse a blonde?...... put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in a corner.
  this joke was posted by a blonde

• What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men? Their knees.

• A blonde and brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why she had a rope tied around her waist. The blonde answered that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You're supposed to put the rope around your neck." The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

• What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
  
  A rebel without a clue.

•  She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
  
  She thought General Motors was in the army.
  
  She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
  
  At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
  
  She tripped over a cordless phone.
  
  She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate."
  
  She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
  
  She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  
  She studied for a blood test.
  
  She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
  
  She sold the car for gas money!
  
  When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  
  When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
  
  When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  
  She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
  
  If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
  
  She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
  
  She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

• Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
  
  As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
  
  After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
  
  

• I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts... she gave me change!

• A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
  
  After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
  
  The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
  
  Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
  
  Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
  
  The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this
  one isn't wearing any shoes either!"