A court appointed lawyer was defending this idiot in lower court.
The judge found him guilty, and said 30 days and $30.00.
The lawyer said “what do you want to do?”
Not having much education the idiot said, “Let’s peal it up stairs”
The lawyer said “your honor we appeal this case up to a higher court”
When they got in the higher court the judge said 60 days and $60.00.
What do you want to do now, he asked the idiot?
Let’s peal it back down stairs.During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?
The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?
She said no, but my husband over there did.A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear:
a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated
prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house b) wife c) Cub Scout troop d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine b) fathom c) comprehend d) appreciate e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me b) sue me c) spank me d) take my firstborn e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school b) work c) church d) the bowling alley e) the municipal jail,
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend b) child c) sibling d) lease co-signer e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid b) was so silly c) would have been funny if it worked d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me.Two ghosts were talking. One said to the other, "I think I've been here before."
The other replies, "Don't worry, it's just a case of deja whooooo!"
A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”
The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish.”
My wife enjoys sports and anything else that calls for an argument.
In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.
“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.
“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do
something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid,
figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."Three large men were using one very small umbrella, yet none of them got wet.
How?
A: It wasn't raining!HERES ONE : YOU SUCK
The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"
She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.
The old man said suddenly, "It's time! Send for the Minister."
The dying man said, "The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics."
"Get the Minister! Get the Minister!" the dying man repeated agitatedly.
"Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind," the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. "I will call the priest."
The old man insisted, "If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked."
So, reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.
The son said, "Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here."
The priest rushed over to the old man's beside and he asked in dismay, "HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?"
The old man looked up and replied, "Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us."1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.Two men are drinking in a bar. The first man tries to strike up a conversation with the second, but the second man says, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you; I'm deaf." So the first man pulls out a pad of paper and a pencil, and they get a lively conversation going on paper. Soon a third man joins them, and all three are conversing on paper. By and by the deaf man leaves, and the two hearing men continue their conversation -- on paper.
Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.
Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper.
Doctor: To make your will?
Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.Two truck drivers came to a low bridge. The clearance sign said 10 feet 8 inches. When they got out and measured their truck, they discovered their vehicle was eleven feet. The first man looked at the other and said, “I can’t see any cops around. Let’s go for it!”
Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe.This takes only a minute (or 2)
There are five things going on simultaneously which need to be taken care of:
1. The telephone is ringing.
2. The baby is crying.
3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell.
4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain.
5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running.
In what order do you take care of the problems? Jot down your order, and scroll down after you've made your decision.
*** Each represents something in your life. Don't
cheat.
1. The phone represents . . . your job or career.
2. The baby represents . . . your family.
3. The visitor represents . . . your friends.
4. The laundry represents . . . your sex life.
5. The running water represents . . . money or wealth.Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent.
"Quattro means 4!"
"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!" "He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."“Your wife will hit the ceiling when you get home tonight,” said the barfly to his drinking buddy. “Yeah,” said his buddy. “She’s a lousy shot!”
Two caterpillars were watching a butterfly. One said to the other, "They'll never get me up in one of those hang-gliders".
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to revert to childhood, he’s already there.A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him and asked; “could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?”
The surprised patient said; “why doctor, it wasn’t all that bad this time!”
The dentist said; “there are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the four o’clock train.”An elegantly dressed woman entered the business office and approached an executive.
“Sir,” said the lady, “I am soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?’ “Sorry,” replied the exec, “but I contribute directly.”!What does a mathematician do if he has got constipation? Works it out with a pencil!
One very early morning on a flight from New York to San Francisco, were a convergence of professional athletes. Among them was a Dallas Cowboy of the 1973 team and some current hockey players from the Phoenix Coyotes. The younger hockey players began to razz the ex-football player. They were really getting to be a nuisance. The ex-footballer warned them several times but the hockey players continued undaunted.
As they were flying over Wyoming, the ex-Dallas player could take it any longer and he went berserk, pulled out a gun and shot several hockey players.
The next day, a newspaper caption read "In the morning dawn, an old cowboy shot 3 coyotes on a plane in Wyoming".Two friends went to a "greasy-spoon" type diner for some lunch. One of them ordered a hamburger. The fat, sweaty cook grabbed a handful of meat, slapped it against his bare belly, and flattened it into a burger, which he then cooked on the grill. "Did you see that?" he asked his friend. His friend nodded and said, "You should see how he makes doughnuts."
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and snapped it in two across his knee.
“There!” he said. “Now I hope it rains!”A bumper sticker seen in Los Angeles:
WELCOME TO LA: PLEASE DROP OFF YOUR DAUGHTERS AND LEAVEThis guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we?ve been classified
dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand. “Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can’t be president?”
What do you call the brunette walking side by side with two blondes? (brunette in the middle) translator
Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.
This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the
ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour
or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he
decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running
leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on
deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander,
"Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or
two. The ferry is just about to dock."I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!
He was a dwarf!! He looked up at me and said, "I am 'Not Happy.'
So I said, "Well, then, which one are you?"
And, that's how the fight started.A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.
‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’
Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."
-- Jay LenoA tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Bally's."
So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Bally's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the
roulette table."
The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
The ball goes round and round. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
The voice says, "Shit..."A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful
Of you to wrap each piece separately.”Sam had just proposed marriage to the love of his life and she had turned him down. “If you don’t marry me immediately,” he threatened, “I’ll go to the lake, cut a hole in the ice, dive in and drown myself.”
“Why this is May. The ice won’t cover the lake for eight months!”
“O.K., then I’ll wait.”An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are on top of a mountain when a genie appears infront of them. "You may all have one wish." says the genie. "But, whatever you wish for you will land in once you jump off the cliff."
The Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts "GOLD!"
The Scotsman jumps off the cliff and shouts "WHISKEY!"
The Irishman goes to jump of the cliff, trips over a rock and says "Oh Shit!"Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of
a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."A man hires a hitman named Arty to murder his wife. He tells him the information on how to find her.
Arty asks for $100.
The man says he doesn't have $100.
Arty tells him to give him whatever he has.
The man has one dollar, so he gives it to him.
Arty finds the man's wife in Vons and starts choking her. He realizes that the cashier is watching, so he chokes him too.
Obviously, the camera has this all on tape. The next day, on the front page, the headline reads:
Arty chokes 2 for a dollar at Vons!An 80 yr old man is having his annual check up, the Dr. asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better! He replies. I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?
The Dr. considers this for a moment, then says "well, let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry & he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he's in the woods & suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," replys the 80 yr.
"Exactly!"Points To Ponder...
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If some one has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would the still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.
“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Sam: Well, at least you could try.How many animals will a pair of pantyhose hold?
10 little piggies 2 calves 1 ass 1 beaver and a fish that nobody can find.A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the
bartender, "I'll have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."What did the tired chess player do?
He took the knight offA newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it. Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole when an English professor wandered by. “What are you doing?” he asked. “We need to know the height of the flagpole,” said one, “and we’re discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it.” “Watch!” said the English professor. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “Exactly 24 feet.” Then he replaced the pole and walked away. “English professor!” sneer the mathematician, “We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length.”
There was a race between some lettuce, a tomato and a faucet.
How did it turn out? Well the lettuce won by a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to ketchup.When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin doctors, the NASA folks found a tape
recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your
land."After the dance, young Charles asked the young girl if he could see her home – so she showed him a picture of it.
Q: What do you call a snail on a ship?
A: A snailer.What did the idiot do with the flea in his ear?
He shot it!
What do you call the flea that lives in the idiot's ear?
The space invader!A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father impress by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar. “There you are my son,” said the father. “But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more? “She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.
Q. What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
A. You picket!This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time. A friendly little boy said his name was "David, what is yours?" "Happy Butt" she says. "Don't lie to me, that isn't your name! What is your name?" "Happy Butt" she says again. I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" he shouts. He gets the teacher and says she is lying to him about her name. "What is your name?" asks the teacher. "Happy Butt" says the little girl. "No, no," says the teacher. "What is your real name?" "Happy Butt" replies the little girl. "Shame on you for lying." says the teacher. "You go straight to the principal's office right this minute!" "Why are you here?" asks the principal of the little girl. "They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt." said the little girl. "Your name can't be Happy Butt" says the principal. "I'm going to call your mother right this minute and straighten this out. You must not lie to us about your name." The principal calls the mother and says , "We have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is "Happy Butt." "Oh, that must be Gladys." says the mother. "Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys," says the principal. The little girl replies, "Happy Butt, Glad ass, what's the difference.
“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.” “How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”One man to his friend, what an automated society we live in.
Have you ever noticed that when a traffic light turns green, it automatically
activates the horn of the car behind you?”A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting in front of a church and they each had charity boxes in front of them to collect money. The church goers that were passing by couldn't believe the nerve of the rabbi, and purposely threw large sums of money into the priest's charity box to spite the rabbi. Finally one of the passer-by had sympathy on the rabbi, and advised him, "Go to a synagogue and collect there, you'll have more success." The Rabbi thanked the passer-by, and then turned to the priest and said, "You here that, Yankel; he's telling us how to do business."
Q: How do you get a one armed Scotsman out of a tree?
A: You wave at himA man was walking past an asylum one day when he heard the inmates out in the field chanting
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Curious, the man looked through the hole in the fence. As he put his eye to the hole, one of the inmates poked him in the eye. Immediately, the inmates started chanting
"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He wondered why they thought he grumpy. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother."
The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad.
He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"1. Rome did not create a great empire by having
meetings . . . they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is
chaos . . . then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural
Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...
probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid
altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the
blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years
away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.How do you clear an Iraqi Bingo parlor?
Yell “B52”At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, got married and had a little sweet potato, they named 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!?But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home?and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. & Mrs. Potato told Yam to watchout for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.? When she went out west, the warned her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't?associate with those high class Yukon Golds.
Mr. & Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. [Potato University]?so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. ?Tom Brokaw!? Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.? They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw, because he's just a COMMON TATER!Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me
7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?
8. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?This guy walks into a bar, orders 10 shots of Cuervo. Slams all 10 in about 30 seconds. The bartender asks "Are you alright? Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy responds "Because I only have fifty cents."
Running into the house after school Tommy said to his mother, “Mom! Isn’t an ox a kind of a bull?” “Yes, she replied. “And doesn’t equine have something to do with horses?” “That’s right.” She said. Running out of the house Tommy said “I’ll see you later!”
“Why? Where are you going?” asked his mother. “To some other town I just heard in school that the equinox is coming, and I don’t wanna be around when it gets here!”
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The Question: What do Women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old
witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since
the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his
question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to
marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's
closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and
awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises . . . He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it
went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total
freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst
manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.
Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman
he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd
been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer
having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but
don't read until you've made your own choice.
.
.
.
.
.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCHA man had two goldfish,
he named one of them "One"
and the other "Two"
he did this because..
if one died, he'd still have twoI was standing in the park, wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.
Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said
"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"
Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, “Do you have any ID?”
The motorist replied, “About what?”1 Elephant (Salt and pepper to taste)
2 Rabbits.(optional)
Cut up Elephant into bite-size pieces. (Takes about 2 Months)
Add brown gravy to cover.
Cook about four weeks at 465 degrees over fire.
Serves about 380.
For larger groups, add 2 Rabbits, but only if necessary as most people don't like to find hare in their stew.A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned
so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only
bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.A patient tell his therapist: “I feel awful. I feel like a spoon all the time.”
The therapist says: “sit still and don’t stir.”“What do you think of Red China?” One woman asked another during a party on world affairs.
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the other woman. “I guess it would be all right if you use it on a white tablecloth.”Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his family tree traced. “It could cost thousands of dollars,” said the woman. “I see. Well, isn’t there an easier way? A less expensive way?” “Sure,” she replied. “Run for president.”
A man tells his friend, Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices.
“Dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels.”At a traffic court, the judge asked the motorist: Tell me, why did you park your car here?
The man said: “Well, there was a sign that said “fine for parking.”Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap them upside the head!
An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number. Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, “Look here, miss, do you know who I am?” “No,” she replied calmly, “but I now where you are.”
Your momma is so poor ...
She has to eat her Fruit Loops with water.An old man is talking to his friends. He says, “I’ve got my health, everything is fine, my mind, knock wood… who’s there?
Three Texas cowboys went to a steakhouse to eat. Each was trying to impress the others.
The first man ordered his steak "rare -- red rare."
The second said, "Just pass mine through the flames and singe it a little. I want to see blood dripping out of it."
Not to be outdone, the third man said, "Aw, just turn the bull loose and I'll tear off a hunk as he goes by.""Doctor,I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.
"We need the eggs," replied the man.Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father
who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."Q: Why did the duck cross the road?
A: Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida!My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and
mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the
bells and marking down each encounter.
My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd
sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.After hitting his 7th ball into the water on the 4th hole, a father turns to his son and says, "It takes a lot of ball to play golf the way I do."
A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” Asked the young guy.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.How can you tell that managed cared has cut into your doctor’s income?
He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."A woman is driving down the freeway with her daughter Kimmie. Kimmie is digging through the glove box looking for something.
"Oh, SHIT!" yells young Kim in complete frustration.
"Kim! Do you know what that means?" said the woman.
"Yes, Mommie. That's what you say when you can't find something."The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."Q: Why was Piglet looking in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh.A Panhandler who was working Wall Street one day approached a dignified businessman and asked him for some money. The man replied, “I’m very sorry, but I never give money to people in the street.”
The panhandler replied, “What should I do? Come up to your office?A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!”
“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?”
“That is your first worry,” he replied.Stan and Norm are out for a round of golf when Stan hits his ball into the rough. As they are looking for the ball, Stan spots a beautiful blonde using a bush for a restroom. He grabs Norm and they both hide behind a tree while they have a look.
"This is incredible. A beautiful woman like that actually relieving herself in the woods." says Stan.
"Yeah," says Norm "And I bet she won't even wipe her behind when she's finished."
Stan is aghast. "No way! A beautiful woman like that would never be so disgusting."
Norm replied, "I'm telling you she isn't going to wipe."
"How do you know?" asked Stan.
"I just do." replied Norm. "I'm so confident, in fact, that I'll bet you ten dollars she doesn't wipe her behind."
"You're on!" said Stan, thinking he was on to a sure thing.
Suddenly Norm stepped out from behind the tree and shouted "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
- S.C. Herald-Journal -There are five types of orgasms. the first, the positive reaction, "OH, YES!" Second, the negative reaction, ""OH, NO!" Third, the cursing reaction, "OH, SHIT!" the fourth, the religious reaction,"OH, GOD!" and guess what the last one is? The fake reaction "OH! Bill!"
Dad: "What happened to your eye?"
Tom: "I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me."The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day
on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said,
"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times
that I can give it just as well as you can."
The professor said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade
clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."
The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience
applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local
university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood
and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.
The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question.
The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is
sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''The economy is so bad that:The Mafia is laying off judges
There will be a high chance of darkness tonight.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"
The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."
The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"
The third vampire says "Give me plasma."
The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."Joe: Did you hear the one about the indian who drank 62 cups of tea?
Fred: No. What happened to him?
Joe: They found him dead the next morning in his teepee.Q: What can you put your money into that is sure to go up?
A: Taxesthere once was a man named Skinner, who took a lass out to dinner. by quarter to nine they'd started to dine, and by ten Skinner was in her.
"Doctor, I think I need new glasses."
"You certanly do sir. This is a shoe store!"Sign in a Police Station: It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade. The teacher (Dr. Fox) greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" He saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people for the people shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As he turned to write something on the blackboard, he heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japs."
"Who said that?" he demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up".
Teacher says "Who said that?".
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,1991".
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? well suck my dick" Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997".Q. How many telemarketers does it take to fix a light bulb?
A. One, but it has to be done while you are eating your dinner.I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took
off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was
ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight
attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if
we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I
noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because
his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him
throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very
flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by
name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you
like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his
legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were
trying to change airlines!Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked
beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard and/or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!"
Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing, "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement, "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here a US Airways."
And from the pilot during his welcome message, "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."Q: What do you get when you cross a Pick Pocket with a Peeping Tom? A: A person who Watches Snatches!
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.Everyone knows Barney,... that cute purple dinosaur. But here's something that you may not know:
1. Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
3. Extract all Roman Numerals:
CV V L DI V
4. Convert these into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
5. Add these numbers up:
100
5
5
50
500
1
+ 5
----
666
There you have it . . . mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!Q: How do you know you should not be driving because you have had too much to drink?
A: When you swerve to hit a tree and then realize that it was only your car air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror!Q: How do you get three old ladies sitting at a table to all stand up and cuss?
A: Have the fourth old lady yell out "BINGO!"Then and Now (for those over 50)
Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer
Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm
Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office
Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President
Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Keg
Now: EKG
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: The president's struggle with Fidel
Now: The president's struggle with fidelityA man went to the psychiatrist because he had a fear of thunder. “Doc, I don’t know what to do,” said the man.
The doctor replied, “That’s ridiculous. Thunder is a natural phenomenon – nothing to be afraid of. Whenever you hear thunder, do like I do: Put your head under the pillow and it will go away.”Wife: I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?
Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.00In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the
world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"A man to his friend: My Wife is an Angel!!!
Friend: Oh man, mine is still ALIVE!!!!An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.
"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which of you Idiots let the bull loose?"Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old
wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
And he did!
The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"
The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house
down!"
And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! "The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!"
So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the
phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras.
They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the life out of him. Then they got back
into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf bleeding on the street.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who were those guys?"
And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."Q: Why did mickey divorce minnie?
A: She was fuckin goofyA little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”I'm worried about my daughter's boyfriend. I told him she had to be home by 10:15 and he said, "October 15? Cool!"
Billy and Tommy were watching a boat pull a man on skis across the lake.
“What makes that boat go so fast?” asked little Billy.
It’s because that man on the string is chasing it,” said Tommy.Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”
I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide said Jed.
What, would you grow on a farm that size, asked Roger.
Spaghetti, said Jed.Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer.
Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles
1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so long as you don't have to go along to.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.Think about this...
Knowledge = Power,
Power = Energy
Energy = Matter
Matter = Mass
Therfore the saying should be, "I think, therefore I am very heavy" don't you think?“Jenny!” screamed her mother, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”
“I have to,” Jenny replied. “That’s where my canary is.”A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: “What’s happening?” The runner replied breathlessly: “A lion has escaped from the zoo.” “Oh my, which way is it heading?” “Well you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, 'Five.'
He said, 'When I was your age, I was six.'"
---Steven WrightTwo parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"A blond ordered a pizza and the clerk asked her how many pieces she wanted it sliced into, six or twelve? "Six", she said, "I could never eat twelve".
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.
“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript.
“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”Just something funny to read.
1) It’s better to be crazy & know it than being sane & doubt it.
2) I’m lost. I've gone out to find me. If I come back before I return, please ask me to wait.
3) I live in my own little world!!! But that's okay, cause they know me there.
4) No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk...
5) Daydreaming is way better than school!
6) Education is the progressive relation of our ignorance.
7) Insanity: A perfectly normal change to a normal mind.
8) The voices in my head are snoring.
9) Me? Psychotic? What gave you that idea?
10) I’m not crazy! It's the rest of you that are freaks!
11) You say I'm psycho like it's a bad thing!
12) Insanity in individuals is something rare but in groups, parties, nations, & epochs... it is the rule!!!
13) Only two things are infinite: the universe, & human stupidity...
14) My fist & your teeth have an appointment...
15) If nobody is perfect then hi, my name is Nobody.
16) Caution: Professionals at work
17) I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
18) Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off till further notice!!!
19) Lifting weights are fun!!!
Use your siblings to your advantage.After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money. "Well, thank you," the pastor replied. "But why?" "Because," the boy responded, "my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Q: Whats the difference between Indian Curry and the Spice Girls?
A: Indian Curry has ginger in it!Q: Why did the blonde sell her car?
A: She needed gas money
One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, "You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost."
The old rooster replies, "I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really don't want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let's have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost."
The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to make the pass and lead the final lap.
Just then, there is a series of shotgun blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is sent spinning across the barn yard with the second blast.
Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his wife and says, "Damn, Mildred, that is the third mixed up rooster we have had this week!!"Last night, Alma's Bean Factory was totally destroyed . . . they believe the damage was caused by a large gas explosion.
Q: How does a glow worm feel if you cut off its tail?
A: De-lighted.The missionary arrived in the cannibal village on Saturday, and by Monday night he was history. Looking through his belongings, one of the natives found a magazine and without missing a beat began tearing out pictures of people and popping them in is mouth.
Seeing what he was doing, a friend asked, “So…how’s the dehydrated stuff?”In the Bible, the King Boaz married the lovely Moabite woman, Ruth, to help unite his Kingdom. What was he before he did this?
Answer: He was "Ruthless"A woman stopped at a historic old hotel and asked the desk clerk for the room rates. “A room on the first floor is none hundred and fifty dollars; on the second floor, one hundred and forty dollars, and on the third floor, one hundred and thirty dollars.”
The woman turned to leave. “Don’t you like the accommodations?” asked the clerk.
“Oh, yes, it’s great,” replied the woman. “It just isn’t tall enough.”Q: Why is a fire engine red?
A: You would be red too if your hose was pulled.There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.
Thus proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"Yesh," the man slowly replied.
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?" the father asked.
"Yesh," the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up on the second floor he asked, "Is this your floor?"
"Yesh," again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another Tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man "Do you live here?"
"Yesh."
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yesh."
So he did and put him in the same door with the first Tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.
So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, "For God's sake, offisher, protect me from
thish man. He'sh been doing nothing all night long but takin' me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"Q. There is a King, Queen, and two Twins in a room. How are there no adults in the room?
A. They're all beds!A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"
A student answered, "The First Pet?"
The teacher then asked, "Why?"
The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."1. Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith,
you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We
do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are
you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married
to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action movie about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarsenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" replied Sly. “And what about you?" he asked Arnold. "If I’m not Bach, I’ll be Hayden!"
A blonde called her new boss to explain there was a problem with her check.
In checking the timesheets the boss noticed that she had not punched in since her first day of orientation. He tried to explain that her check was right since she had only worked the one day for the company.
The blonde went on insisting that her check was short, and that the company apparently had problems with their math in figuring out her check. She asked her boss how many days were in a year.
He said there are 365.
She asked if he knew how many weeks were in a year.
And he replied there are 52.
She went on to say that since there are 52 weeks per year in which she had 2 weekend days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since she was scheduled to work 8 hours a day, she spent 16 hours each day away from work, and that added up 170 days, leaving only 91 days for work.
She went on to explain that during the day she spent in company orientation she learned that the company allowed her 30 minutes each day for her two coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days for work.
Orientation also informed her that she would be given a 1-hour lunch each day, which used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
The company also allowed 2 days per year for sick leave, leaving her only 20 days per year to work.
The company additionally allowed her to be off 5 holidays per year, bringing her available working time down to 15 days.
Then there were the 14 days vacation the company so generously allowed all employees which leaves only 1 day for her to work ... and well, the boss has already conceded that she did time in and out on her orientation day, so would he please get her check corrected. And if it would be easier for the accounting department ... they could go ahead and make it out for her yearly salary, since she had obviously already put in her share of work for that year.A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye
exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."
"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra."Picture yourself near a steam. Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "The World." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfalls fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water . . . There now, feeling better?
“Is your new horse well-behaved Charles?”
“Oh, yes Phil. When we come to a fence, he stops and lets me go over first.”Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”The economy is so bad that:If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
A man was traveling down a Pennsylvania highway when he came across a construction zone. He noticed a state trooper in his rear view mirror so he slowed down to the 45MPH speed limit in the zone. Near the end of the construction area,he noticed a large
black object flying towards his vehicle. He felt a slight bump and saw in his mirror that a large bird had hit him and was bounced right into the windshield of the state trooper.
The trooper immediately turned on his light and pulled the man over. The trooper asked if he was hurt in
anyway.
The driver replied that he was alright and questioned the trooper about his condition.
He replied, "I am OK, but I am going to have to give you a ticket."
The man got upset and wanted to know why.
The trooper answered, "For flipping me the bird!"A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.
The bartender asks him why he gets three beers the man told the bartender well one is for me and the other two, for my brothers who live in Texas.
The man does this for about a week and one day the man walks in and orders two beers instead of three. The bartender asks him why just two the man said well my wife told me I had to quit drinking but she didn't say anything about my brothers to stop.What did the turkey say on Thanksgiving?
Don't "gobble" me up!Ask people in other stalls if you can have some Viagra.
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
Two days later...
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."What do you call a cheeky big foot?
A Sassy-squatch
*bu dum tss*Two lawyers went into the restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, “Hey, you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of
fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal,
he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he
had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could
not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he
spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the
handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to
take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splattering
when he hit the floor.
Moral of the Story:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously.
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pocketsDear optimists and pessimists,
While you were all arguing over the glass being half full or half empty, I drank it!
Sincerely,
An opportunistA man tells his friend, Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices.
“Dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels.”one day john want to go to his cousine in nevada and go to bus station.he get in bus ,but he forgot to buy a ticket and he sit on first place,after few minutes one lady is coming and says that is her place and she want to sit there,but john don2t want to stend up than is coming a driver and tell john something on his ear. john stood up and sit at last place. the lady was suprsied:''what did you say to him!'' tha driver smiled:''i just told him that tha last places of ara going to nevada!''
How To Write A Recommendation Lettter That You Don't Really Mean
- Submitted by Uri Dub
========================================
THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very
dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when
laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the
contents are negative.
THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways:
You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work
habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5.To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly
The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing. “The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.” “I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”
“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night.
Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.The drunk walking along the country road saw the duck hunter lying in the brush with the gun poised toward the direction of the high-flying flock in the distance. “Shay, mishter,” advised the drunk. “Don’t waisht a shot. The fall’ll kill’em
A young man bought an expensive piece of jewelry as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved on it?” asked the clerk. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the realistic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One and Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”
PREACHER SAYS TO HIS WIFE. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAVE THIS FELLOW EVERY SUNDAY,BUT HE KEEPS FALLING TO SLEEP DURING MY SERMON. SO I WANT YOU TO SIT BEHIND HIM AND KEEP HIM AWAKE TO DAY. SO THE WIFE TAKES ALONG A HAT PIN AND EVERYTIME THE MAN STARTS TO FALL ALSEEP SHE STICKS HIM WITH IT.
THE PREACHER GETS UP AND BEGINS HIS SERMON."FRIENDS, I ONLY HAVE 3 QUESTIONS TO ASK TODAY AND IF YOU KNOW THE ANSWER I WANT YOU SHOUT IT OUT!!!!!. FIRST QUESTION I WANT TO ASK IS. WHO IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR? THE MAN SHOUT OUT: JESUS CHRIST!!! PREACHER: YOUR RIGHT BROTHER AMEN,AMEN. NOW WHO CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH: MAN: GOD---!!!! PREACHER: YOUR RIGHT AGAIN BROTHER!!! NOW WHAT DID EVE SAY TO ADAM AFTER THEY HAD THIER 44TH CHILD? THE MAN STANDS UP AND TURNS AROUND AND BLURTS OUT: IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA BREAK IT OFF.Jim, a collections specialist, was on his first day of work for his new employer and was assigned to collect a past due balance from a company that was a customer of his employer. He had been provided with a standard script that he was to use where he was to ask for "Accounts Payable" when calling the customer so that he could talk with someone about the payment of the past due bill.He made the call, asked the receptionist for "Accounts Payable", and waited for what seemed to be forever on hold. Finally, after a very long time, the receptionist, who was also on her first day on the job and new to the world of business, came back on the phone and stated, "I am sorry, but I have looked down our list of employees and I do not find anyone named Accounts Payable."
Q: What has 5 eyes but can't see?
A: The Missisippi river.Q: How do you get fifty old women to yell the word "fuck" at the same time?
A: Have another one yell "BINGO"!!![The next day, again] Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The vendor then hands him the hot dog and Buddha pays him with a ten.
The vendor puts it in his till and moves on to the next customer.
Buddha says, "What about my change?"
The vendor replies, "change comes from within".A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you,” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.” “Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and
said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.
Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shot- gun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”
What did the idiot do with the flea in his ear?
He shot it!
What do you call the flea that lives in the idiot's ear?
The space invader!A man and his wife were driving through country on their way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant.
"Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy. It is a 1998 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"A sadist and a masochist were locked in a room together.
In a very short while the masochist began to freak out, begging "Hit me, hit me!” To which the sadist replied, “No"A guy walks into Dunkin’ Donuts. He says. “Excuse me; miss … how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?” The girl says, “I think it’s a seven-cup thermos.” The guy says, “All right …. Give me two black, three cream and sugar.”
Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.
As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.
A tactical wife is one who makes sure she spends so much on herself that her husband can't afford another woman.
An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. “Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said. “Remember what type of surgery was it?” “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. “No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”You are blocking the way, sir, said the usher to a man sprawled in the aisle of a theater. “Please get up.” The man didn’t move or reply. The usher called the manager over, who said, “I must ask you to move.” Still the prone man didn’t reply. So the manager called the police. “Get up or I’ll have to take you in,” the officer said. “Where did you come from anyway?” The man stirred finally and said, “the balcony.”
A LETTER FROM CAMP
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid.
Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK.
Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our
tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think
it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the
highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't
any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster
Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some
scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go
now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?Q. What word does heavenly angels use most often to greet each other?
A. Halo!I'm so hungry that I could eat a TV dinner right about now.
The problem is, my TV is bigger than my microwave!Bumper sticker: "Last Christmas I got a new rifle for my wife. Good trade, don't you think?"
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."Steve lived in Stated Island, NY and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferry home every night. One evening, he got sown to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Steve decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was felling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock.
Steve. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. “How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud Steve to a deck hand. “It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?'
The man can't believe it and replies 'hold on minute sir, I'll make some enquiries for you'....the man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere. Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck.
The man goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business'
With this the duck replies 'That’s no good, I'm a plumber'FATHER MURPHY WAS A PRIEST IN A POOR PARISH. ONE DAY HE ASKED FOR SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO RAISE MONEY FOR HIS CHURCH. ONE OF HIS PARISHIONERS MENTIONED THAT HORSE OWNERS ALWAYS HAD MONEY. SO THE PRIEST WENT TO AN AUCTION AND BOUGHT A HORSE. AS IT TURNED OUT THE HORSE WAS A DONKEY. HE DECIDED TO ENTER THE DONKEY IN A RACE ANYWAY AND IT FINISHED THIRD. THE NEXT MORNING THE SPORTS PAGE READ "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS"? THE ARCHBISHOP SAW THE PAPER AND WAS VERY DISPLEASED. THE NEXT DAY THE DONKEY CAME IN FIRST AND THE HEADLINE READ "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT". THE FOLLOWING DATHE THE DONKEY RACED AGAIN AND FINISHED SECOND. THE HEADLINES READ "FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE". THE ARCHBISHOP WAS UP IN ARMS AND FIGURED SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE, SO HE FORBID THE POOR PRIEST FROM ENTERING THE DONKEY IN ANY MORE RACES. THE HEADLINE THEN READ "ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS". FINALLY, THE ARCHBISHOP ORDERED FATHER MURPHY TO DISPOSE OF THE ANIMAL. HE WAS UNABLE TO SELL IT, SO HE GAVE IT TO SISTER AGATHA. WHEN THE ARCHBISHOP HEARD THIS HE DEMANDED THAT SHE GET RID OF IT. SO SHE SOLD IT FOR TEN DOLLARS. THE HEADLINE THE FOLLOWING MORNING READ "SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES HER ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS" THEY BURRIED THE ARCHBISHOP THREE DAYS LATER.
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago"A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”How do you get off a non-stop flight?
In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
Mathematician: "Never."
Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time."
Engineer: "Well . . . in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."Sign on a door: "WARNING: Use door for entering and exiting only!"
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space, but acceptable to use a handicapped stall in a restroom?
Back 2 years ago in my little village....it was time to celebrate The Festival of the Golden Frog. Many Village People came out anticipating a splendid feast.
I had hired one of the young tribesmen as Chef. He had little experience but I had much faith in him. Timba had proven himself to be a great hunter.
The first tasty morsel was an appetizer. Timba informed me it was a hiker he had hunted down the week before (He thought it was a Canadian or American..he wasn't sure which). At any rate, it was rather tasty, but the legs a bit tough.
The 2nd was a nice thick stew. Timba shared the recipe with me....a chubby golfer including his golf shoes, bag and clubs. It was not bad...his balls were especially delicious.
The 3rd tasty delight was a Gourmet Soup. I tasted it first, as I always do, but I found it to be a little "flat". I questioned Timba as to its contents and he advised me it contained water from our local river, and of course meat.....2 missionaries, a pilot and 3 cooks. I had to cancel that portion of our menu..as I told Timba..."Too many cooks spoil the broth!"A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. "Hey, what are you doing?” the other skeleton answers "Just strolling", "Why do have the gravestone, buddy?", "Because I always want to have some ID”.
One night a father went into his sons room to wish him a good night. Upon arriving he notices that his son is sitting up. "Whats wrong son?" asks the father. "Dad, I dreamed the Aunt Selma died," said the boy. The father reassured the son that Aunt Selma was just fine and told him to go back to sleep. The next day, Aunt Selma died...Later that night the father went into his sons room again to find him sitting up. He again asks his son what is wrong. "I dreamed that grandpa died." The father reassured his son that his grandfather was just fine and told him to go back to sleep. The next day the grandfather died...later that night the father once again went back into his sons room to find him sitting up. He again asked his son what was wrong. The boy replied, "Daddy, I dreamed you died." The father reassured the boy that he was just fine. The next day the father woke up and was scared for his life. He drove real careful to work, he jumped at every noise at work and hid under his desk. His wife meat him at the door when he got home. He said, "Honey I just had the worst day of my life!" The wife exclaimed, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning...
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
The bum approached the well-dressed man. “Say, pal, could you spare ten bucks for a soft drink?”
“Ten dollars!” the man exclaimed. “Listen my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find
a place that charges so much for a soda.”
I know, said the panhandler, “but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday and I wanted to knock off early.”A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "Tthe honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
The teacher says, “I wish you’d pay a little attention Mary.”
“I am paying as little as I can Mrs. Bell,” said Mary.A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it".
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"A speaker at Democratic National Convention asked the audience, "Are you better off now?"
The audience answered in chorus voice, "Yes."
As soon as the loud voice turned silent, a delegate stood up and asked, "How did the GOP get better off?"
The speaker declared, "We all are on the same boat, remember?"
The delegate exasperated, "Yeah, Noah's Ark - animals in couples!"Travis and McGee met over a beer in the local pub. After a while the subject of sports came up. Travis asked McGee, "Do you play golf?"
"Sure," said McGee, "I play well enough to know why they call it 'golf'."
Puzzled, Travis asks, "Why do they call it 'golf'?"
"Because," replied McGee, "that's the only 4-letter word left!!"After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed
off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton
in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the
many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents,
tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from
the manufacturer.
"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.
"I think that next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to
General Motors."A young man, who had recently moved out of his dorm and into a new apartment, was shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products, topped off by a lone food purchase, a large bag of potato chips.
Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained, "I'm a very messy
eater."There was this guy he walked into a bar. He told the bartender he wanted a beer. Well he noticed that the bartender had quite a body on him. He says to him"Im not trying to sound gay but you have a muscalar body but such a little head why is that?"
The bartender had been asked this question before he says to me "one day" he begins. I was walking through the woods and I got lost and then from beyond a tree I heard a voice and it was saying" help me" I looked around and couldnt find anyone then I heard it again "help me" well I looked down a seen a frog The frog asked me to kiss her and she said"I will turn into a beutiful genie" I looked around and seen nobody was around so I kissed her and there she stand naked and beutiful she told me that I had three wishes She asked me what my first one would be. I said I want to have a body like arnald swarnegger so she muttered a spell and poof I stand there body build and everything I took my clothes off and she says to me your second wish I said I want to make love to you by the lake here and she said poof your wish is granted they lay there for hours making love and then after we are done she said to me you know you still have one more wish. I said "How about a little head"Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply.Women are the quickest to learn the three R’s. This is R’s, that’s R’s, everything’s R’s.
Q: What do you call Japanese diapers?
A: SackapuA wise man once said ...... go ask a woman
Laws Of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler, written by someone who just moved to snow country.
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.
December 24
6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight – Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My wife is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his... The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'Patty met Eric and said; that’s a nice suit you are wearing.
Eric: Oh, do you like it?
Patty: Yes, who went for the fitting?A humble little man in a restaurant shyly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. “Excuse me,” he said, “but do you happen to be Mr. Williams of Main?”
“No, I’m not!” the man answered with annoyance.
“Oh…er…well,” stutter the little man, “you see, I am, and that’s his overcoat you’re putting on.”A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot to things...Condoms and Dramamine for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.
So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walks to the counter with a plenty pack of condoms and asks for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.
The pharmacist looks at him for a second and then asks him, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"Tormenting Telemarketers
Tormenting Telemarketers. A Game You Can Play at Home! Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer. The new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.
Premise:
Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are selling.
Counter-Tactic:
Waste as much of their time as you can. For each
minute that you waste means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the changes for them to make a sale. Don't let this happen!
Hints:
Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage, and reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.
Scoring:
Basic Point System:
For each minute spent on the phone - 10 pts.
Getting transferred to someone who makes
more than minimum wage - 15 pts.
For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than minimum wage - 25 pts
Bonus Points:
Getting them to repeat part of the "script" - 5 pts/each.
Getting answers to stupid questions - 15 pts/each
Changing the subject - 50 pts/each.
Making the salesperson angry - 175 pts.
Making the salesperson hang up - 750 pts.
Call back, get their boss on the phone, and
tell them the salesperson hung up on you - 1500 pts.
Getting their 1-800-number - 10 pts.
Checking the number a week later and it is
busy or disconnected - 5000 pts.
Example:
Ring
Me: Yes?
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning and we're in your area [...] [start clock->]
Them: [...] would like to know it you are interested?
Me: Sure...
Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]
Them: [...] depending on the size of the rooms.
Me: Well, how much for the whole house? [15 bonus pts!]
Them: Let me transfer you to
Them: Sir?
Me: Yes? [25 pts/min!]
Them: How large is your house?
Me: Oh, about 2,000 sqft.
Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx
Me: [duh?] It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...] and is completely safe.
Me: [duh?] Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
Me: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
Me: [repeat!] But the original offer was for
$39.95, does that include treating for pets?
Them: [...]
Me: [subject change] Well, it is kind of dirty. The guys were over for the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass! Wasn't that a great play?
Them: Well, back to your house...
Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
Them: [...]
Me: [subject change] Do you clean furniture, too?
Those guys spilled some beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before? But what a game, eh?! I couldn't believe that they couldn't move the ball in the second quarter...[...]
Them: [angry???] Ahem... Would you like us to come out?
Me: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine.
Me: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?
[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]
Me: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all hardwood floors here!
Them: click Yes! 750 points!A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy bitch! Where is my drink!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey, bitch! Will you bring me my damn coke?"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of
guts for a guy with no wings."NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney.
In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite word."
------------------------------ CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form Nationsouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1. ----------------------- BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one novel per month. The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes. "It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production schedule." An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike. --------------------------- WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of home companion services. ---------------------- PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved. A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for them. Women were unavailable for comment. ----------------------- ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell. "Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers." Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because the executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined company.. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-- Dave Barry“I’d like two pork chops,” asked the woman to her butcher, “and make them lean.”
“Yes ma’am,” said the polite butcher, standing then on end. “Which way?”Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
--- Jack HandeyYou know how to catch a nice big trout? You look for a place in the stream where there's a sunken log or hole where the big ones like to hang out. Every day for a week, you throw in a handful of worms and a sugar cookie. On the last day, you just throw in the worms. When the trout sticks his head out of the water to see what happened to the sugar cookie, you hit him over the head with a baseball bat!
Baseball in Heaven
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season.
They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."Former U.S. President George Bush said he would like to see his son, Governor George W. Bush, in the White House.
Polls, however, indicate that the public is fed up with the Monica Lewinsky scandal and does not want to see any more Bush in the White House.Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead. "We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking." They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?" "No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."
I am the most athletic skeleton around, no bones about it!
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."A manager was soliciting resumes through a recruitment agency to fill in a senior staff member who had just resigned. The next day the recruitment agent came in to meet the manager and beaming he handed over a resume and said, "M'am, we have got just the right person you are looking for. The manager after skimming through the resume was visibly upset. Puzzled, the recruitment agent enquired what the matter was. The manager replied, "This candidate on the resume is the best we've got in our department".
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mother.A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up, grabbed her hand and led her to the shore where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied. The boy thought for a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
An airline ticker office in Copenhagen reminds you:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONSA good looking girl waved at me today…
But there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.Two gay men, Lance and Julian, were taking a shower together, being boyfriends. Lance glances over at Julian and notices a puddle of cum around Julian's feet. Lance says, "Dammit, Julian!!! What the Fuck did I tell you about farting in the shower?!"
Q: What food did Dracula bring to the party?
A: Fang-furters!The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: “If you think you are walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you are crazy.”
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
China has a population of a billion people. One billion.
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you!A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."Q: What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed-wire fence?
A: An "utter" disaster!Why did the nerd eat the fifth grader's math test??
Because it was a peace of cake!!What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question? Asked the librarian “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M..!” the librarian said, “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in? The man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”
What do you call a tree without any branches?
A stick!In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the resident assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.Two Hydrogen atoms were walking down the street.
One says, "Oh shoot, I lost an electron!"
His partner says, "are you sure?"
The atom replies, "I'm Positive!"Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew them both!There once was a taxi driver who had this impulse to hit every black person he saw. So every day he would go around driving people from place to place, and when ever he would see a black man he would swerve to hit him. Well one day a rabbi got into the cab and asked to be taken to the temple. As they were driving along the taxi driver noticed a black man walking down the sidewalk, and imediatly thought of how he was going to hit him with a rabbi in the cab. He thought about it and he finnaly decided that if he pretended like he had fainted and "accidentally" swerved into the black man it wouldn't look so bad, and mabey the rabbi wouldn't know the difference. Just as he started to swerve he heard a "Thunk!" He then proceeded to pull off to the side of the road. When he had finished pulling over he said, "Oh no! did I hit the black man?" The Rabbi then explained, "No you missed him, but my car door didn't."
Discussing the environment with his friend, John asked, “Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?” “The taxpayer,” replied his friend.
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."The economy is so bad that:The Mafia is laying off judges
Two guys are in a car. The driver comes to a stoplight and goes right through it. His friend says, " What are you doing." The driver says, " Its ok my brother does it all the time." They come up to another stoplight and they go right through. His friend says, “You are out of your mind.” The driver says, “Its ok my brother does it all the time.” They come up to a green light and he stops. His friend says, “Its green, go.” Driver says, I can’t my brother might be coming!Q: What do you call a 5-foot fortune teller who has escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large!Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because I couldn't lift the table!The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . . "In the mirror as always . . "
A gorilla walks into a drugstore and orders a fifty-cent sundae. He puts down a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.
The clerk thinks, "What can a gorilla know about money?" So he hands back a single dollar in change and says, "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here."
"No wonder," answers the gorilla, "what ape would pay nine dollars a sundae."At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little."
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding.
At age 35, success is about career and family.
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings.
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little."
At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants.A young girl was doing a project on 70's rock groups asked her father to name two of them.
"Yes!" he replied.
"Who?" she asked.
"There you go." replied.The difference between northern and southern ones is that along with the little sign giving the latin name of the critter, the southern ones give the recipe.
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied," Perhaps you're not eating right."
Lisa: Do you really lover, or do you just think you do?
Bob: Honey, I really lover you. I haven’t done any thinking yet.Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar’s worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic cop from Utah that got arrested?
A: He was handing out IUD's.A student burst into his professor’s office and says; "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
-- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her
-- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in
-- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
-- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Interoffice Mail painfully slow.
14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore.
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables."
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.Kenneth Starr asks President Clinton, "was Monica Lewinski lying?" He said, "no, she was kneeling"
A man who had come out of a complicated abdominal surgery was complaining of having a bump on his head and a terrible headache. The nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operative shock, spoke to the surgeon about it. The doctor assured the nurse, “don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway into the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures . . . AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!Q: What is Helen Kellers favorite color?
A: CorduroyThere were three guys named Trouble, Manners and Shut up. They were walking through a forest and trouble got lost. Shut up and manners went to the police station. manners waited out side. Police: What is your name? Shut Up: Shut up Police: Are you looking for trouble? Shut Up: yes Police: where's your manners? Shut Up: outside.
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."The census taker knocked on Miss Gibson’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. “But everybody tells their age to the census taker,” the man said. “Did Miss Mary Hill and Miss Patty Hill tell you their ages?”
“Certainly.” Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped. “As old as the Hills,” the man wrote on his form.A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read “Say It with Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the customer replied
“I’m a man of few words.”Student: I would love for you to teach me a foreign language.
Teacher: Certainly. French, German, Russian, Italian, Spanish?
Student: Oh, which is the most foreign?Explanation of Microsoft computer messages
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support ing error
no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."Q: What is a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A: The tromBONEFor those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...A few statements to ponder... George Carlin Quotes:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied, "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhereThey say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage is love; after marriage is self-defense.
A new mother took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her little girl in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put the purchases around her. In the checkout line, she noticed a small boy and his mother were ahead of her.
The small boy was crying and begging for some special treat. "He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any", she thought.
Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her
direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"One day a guy askes a little girl "I'll give you a cookie if you climb that lampost" and so the girl climbed it and got her cookie.
Then she went home to tell her mom and her mom said, "He just wants to look at your underwear."
Then the next day the same guy asked the little girl to climb the lamp post and if she did then he would give her 2 cookies. So the girl climbed it and got her cookies.
The little girl went home and told her mother. Her mom replied, "Don't listen to him he just wants to look at your underwear."
The girl replied, "I was smart today. I did not waer any."At graduation, everybody is going to get their diploma but Tom. At the assembly Tom’s entire senior class screams “Let Tom graduate, let Tom graduate!” The principal in a moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one last chance. “If I have five peaches in my left hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom, how many peaches do I have?” he asked. Tom thought long and hard and then said: “ten.” And the entire senior class stood up and shouted. “Give Tom another chance. Give Tom another chance!”
Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop
thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors, and college professors
don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the
big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. As I
sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking
ruining your life?"
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous (TA )poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor," she insisted.
"OK Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."An independent voter was exploring the candidates and their parties.
He asked a campaigner of a party, "who represents your candidate?"
The campaigner answered, "Donkey".
The voter asked a campaigner of another party the same question.
The campaigner answered, "Elephant".
The voter then asked his wife, "who should I vote for - Donkey or Elephant?"
The wife suggested, "either one; both are same - animals."Q: Q: What do dolphins and men have in common?
A: They say that they're intelligent but no one's been able to prove that.Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'may I borrow a highlighter?'
Say, 'uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
Drop a marble and say, 'Oh No! My glass eye!'
Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, 'Now how did that get in there.'
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
Say, 'Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.''
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now.'
Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free.'An Idiot was eating in a restaurant and suddenly, he started singing aloud to the pleasure of the other customers. After eating, he stood up to go without paying for his meal. "You haven't paid for your meal" said a waitress to him to which he replied "what do you make of my entertainment then?" Getting annoyed, the waitress replied, “no one asked you to entertain anyone," to which the Idiot replied "no one asked me to come and eat here either."
“My son decided to go into business on a shoestring,” said Sal.
“He has tripled his investment, but he’s still not satisfied, can you believe it?”
“Why not?” asked his body Lance.
“He can’t think of anything to do with three shoestrings.”Why was the glowworm unhappy?
Because her children were not very bright!A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore. Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone. The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, "Somebody has broken into my car. They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard." The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, "I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat."
Sergeant: Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the wood. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.
Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front.A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.
Real Mothers . . .
Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral of the story is: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"Q: How do you drive a mime crazy?
A: Play a blank tape at full volume.Q: What letter in the alphabet is a Pirate's favorite?
A: Rrrrr...A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief
gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for
you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.Big Dog is showing Little Dog around the block. "Sniff, sniff. Smell that?" asks Big Dog.
"Sniff, sniff. Sure do," says Little Dog, "what is it?"
"Fifi's in heat, come on, I'll show you what to do."
So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to hump Fifi.
"Sniff, sniff. Smell that?" asks Big Dog.
"Sniff, sniff. Sure do, what's that?" asks Little Dog.
"Garbage. Come on, I'll show you what to do."
So Big Dog shows Little Dog how to raid the garbage can.
Pretty soon, Big Dog goes over to the fire hydrant and takes a leak on it.
"Wait a minute," says Little Dog, "I understand about Fifi, and I understand about the garbage, but what is this hiking on the hydrant thing?"
"Hey," says Big Dog, "if you can't screw it and you can't eat it, piss on it!"The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into some other woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he’d noticed that the club pro had been watching. “What club should I use now?” he asked the pro.
“I don’t know,” the pro replied. “What game are you playing?”One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo's lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became
frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock,
the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the
captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood.
Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships
approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant
orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without
fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"What's the difference between a flea-bitten dog and a bored visitor?
One's going to itch; the other's itching to go!“Young woman,” said the judge, “this court is going to see to it that you receive one thousand dollars a month in alimony.
“Thanks,” the husband spoke up, “and I’ll try to give her a few bucks myself.”10 Adamantly refuses to drink Coors Light.
9 In lieu of annual bonus, prefers a good scratching behind the ears.
8 Suddenly sports a beard when mooned at office holiday party.
7 Water cooler conversations always end with talk of "kickin' Ol' Yellar's
ass."
6 "Severance pay" has taken on a whole new meaning lately..
5 Vending machine always out of Milk Bones.
4 Your sarcastic little "Bite me!" nets you 12 stitches.
3 Always calls in sick with "mange."
2 Coughs up a hairball during morning staff meeting.
1 Has more hair on his back than you've got on your head, and he's NOT ED
ASNER!
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Q: What happens when two frogs collide?
A: They get tongue tied!
Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy.
Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub
scrubby-mit?
A: A rubbit!
Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger.
Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?
A: It got toad!!
Q: What's green green green green green?
A: A frog rolling down a hill
Q: What is a frog's favorite game?
A: Croaket
Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A: French flies and a diet Croak
Q: Why did the frog say meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language.
Q: Why did the frog go to the hospital?
A: He needed a "hopperation" !
Q: What is the thirstiest frog in the world?
A: The one who drinks Canada Dry!
Q: How deep can a frog go?
A: Knee-deep Knee-deep!
Q: What do stylish frogs wear?
A: Jumpsuits!
Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?
A: "Baroke, baroke, baroke."What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
At graduation, everybody is going to get their diploma but Tom. At the assembly Tom’s entire senior class screams “Let Tom graduate, let Tom graduate!” The principal in a moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one last chance. “If I have five peaches in my left hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom, how many peaches do I have?” he asked. Tom thought long and hard and then said: “ten.” And the entire senior class stood up and shouted. “Give Tom another chance. Give Tom another chance!”
"I?m in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."Teacher: Dudley, can you tell me what the four seasons are?
Dudley: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.A lonely stranger went into a deserted restaurant and ordered the breakfast special. When his order arrived, he looked up at the waitress and asked, “How about a kind word?” The waitress leaned over and whispered, “Don’t eat the meat.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie?
A. meloncollieThree contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.
The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."Q: Why do fireflies do well in school?
A: Because they're so bright!One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
The head waiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hip wader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long stringy dirty hair and a beard with flecks of long-ago food marched right towards him. The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"
The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "which way?"
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising
the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
---David LettermanDuring a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school.
One said, "I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made."
The second said, "I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do."
The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor.
"Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night."A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the
habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."The mailperson rings the doorbell and as says: I have a parcel here, but the name on its obliterated.
Smiths says: Can’t be for me, then. My name is Smiths.The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who
introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that
was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up
quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a
nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the
FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 70 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service
entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have
the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
ClickQ: Why do crows always move out of the way when you're driving down the street?
A: Because there is always another one saying, "Car... Car..."When a woman's friend was having her third baby in four years, she volunteered to keep the older two children overnight. One night turned into several, and eventually the woman was running out of supplies. She asked her husband to go over and get some things from the friend's husband.
"Did he give you everything?" she asked.
"Yes," my husband said, grinning. "A box of diapers, two sacks of clothing and the children's birth certificates."Some guy cut me off yesterday.
He was such a jerk. He just cut right in front of me like he owned the road. He didn't look where he was going. The jerk made me spill my latte
on my phone and I wasn't able to enter my voicemail password in the time allotted, so I got disconnected. He cut me off so suddenly, I dropped the cigarette I was lighting onto the floor. Fortunately, I was able to douse it with
what was left of my latte. I hate that guy. Why don't people look where they're going?
It's a good thing I was using the battery power on my electric razor, or between that and the cigarette, there could have been an electrical fire or something. I can't believe that guy almost made me start a fire.
Even worse, I lost this cool station I was trying to find while I was cueing up the CD I wanted, as I was downshifting into second gear, to make a sharp right turn, while I checked the directions,
on my laptop computer. I really hate that guy!A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”
The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
He asked for a putter, then drove three hundred yards onto the green. Then he asked for a driver and drove the ball to within two feet of the cup. Then he asked for a niblick and got the ball into the cup. “Now I’m in trouble,” he told the caddie.
“Why?”
“I don’t know what club to use to get it out.”Two hunters were going to hunt bear. As they were walking down the road they saw a sign saying, "Bear Left."
So they went home.Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: Well if it is UA, it is 6:00p.m.; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Ozark, the big hand is on the…..”A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?
“Certainly, just go through that door” replied the clerk.One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox sneaked up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick . . . in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole . . . and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well fed lion.
The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm
sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a
message with your country, name of organization,
the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug,
marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea,
press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate
climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs,
please press 2 for the United States Air Force.
Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for
the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at
any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish
to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your *** off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and
night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.My vision about having children is written on the side of a match box: "Keep away from children".
A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.
"My dad died," the boy replied.
"That's terrible, when did it happen?"
"Five years ago," the boy said.
"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"
"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."A woman got on the bus with her little boy and paid one fare. The bus driver pointed out that she had to pay for her son. "Children under six ride free," the woman said. "Come on," the driver said. "He doesn't look a day under nine." The woman shrugged and said, "Can I help it if he worries a lot?"
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a ten $20 bills in it. Now there are ten $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward!"Little Jimmy's father always used to tell him bedtime stories. Being the quick-witted fellow that he was, he
always embelished on them adding little jokes here and there.
One day in Little Jimmy's kindergarten class, his teacher was telling them the strory of the three little pigs. Jimmy
knew this story because his father always told him this before he went to bed. They were at the part when the first pig needed to build his house.
"Then," the teacher said, "the first little pig needed straw to build his house. Along the road he saw a farmer
carrying a bail of straw. So the little pig walked up to the farmer and asked him if he could borrow his straw to
build a house. Then class, do you know what the farmer said?"
Little Jimmy immedeatly raised his hand, knowing the answer.
"Yes Jimmy," replied the teacher.
"WOW!! A TALKING PIG!!!"Why did the chicken cross the road? Here are some opinions...
Darwin: ------- Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Freud: ------- The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Machiavelli: ------------- The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Albert Camus: --------------- It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Oliver Stone: -------------- The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Bill Clinton: -------------- It wasn't me. I wasn't chasing the chicken. There was no inappropriate relationship between me and the chicken.
Newt Gingrich -------------- Because the Chicken was kicked out of the coop.
Jerry Seinfeld: -------------- Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: ------------------------ I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Immanuel Kant: -------------- The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
George Orwell: ------------ Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Karl Marx: -------------- It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzsche: ------------ Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Jean-Paul Sartre: ------------------ In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: ----------------- Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: ------- If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: --------------------- It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: ----------------- To die. In the rain.
Bill Gates: ----------- I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads, balance your checkbook, and solve your Y2K problem.
Colonel Sanders of KFC: ------------------------ I missed one?How do u get a crazy one armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him.Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p.m.
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? The hotel guess asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.” “But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.” “I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill
“What are you doing”? Sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything
you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later,
the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?Q. What's the difference between a dead rabbit in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skidmarks leading up to the rabbit1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry
3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me
7. You totaled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been
That whole case of Bud Dry?The man applied for a job with a chain food store. “What is your experience with groceries?” asked the interviewer. “Well,” said the applicant. “I’m eating them all the time.”
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184
women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a
Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
William J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington DC
Slick Willie Clinton
1600 Pensylvania Ave
Washington, DCGoofy Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, “I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends.”
“Then do what I do,” said Fred, “close your eyes.”A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."
YUGO HUMOR
Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.) A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains. "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter? "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie. "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."At the vending machine a man put a coin and watched powerlessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
“Now that’s real automation! He exclaimed. “It even drinks for you!”There was an inn keeper who urgently needed to expand his parking lot due to his business's growing needs. However, the lot next to his, which he had purchased, was covered with tree saplings and the city had an ordinance against bulldozing trees. The inn keeper was a powerful man on the city council and was friends with all of its members. He brought up an amendment to the council to allow him to bulldoze the saplings so he could pave it for his new lot. Was he successful?
No, the "infant tree's" always beat the "Inn's urgency".1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. The neighbors 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a heck of a noise, but the fence is now
sagging in the middle.
3. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
7. Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age pensioner and need it bad.
8. I want to complain about the farmer
across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much. Its all right when my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr. Docherty next door and at my age it's too much.
9. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?
12. I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
13. Please send a man with a clean tool to finish the job and satisfy the wife.
14. I wish to lodge a complaint against my neighbor in 211. When I get undressed at night I can see him looking in my window with binoculars. Do I need to pull down my own shades?
15. When I'm in the shower I turn on the
water and I get hot. Could some nice repairman fix my pipes so I don't always get hot?Once there lived a King who always loved only war and nothing but the war. He never used to think that the Queens quest for the sex should be satisfied. The Queen became very bashfull and she started fucking the knights in her harem without the knowledge of the King but somehow the King came to know it and wanted to find who the culprits were and he inserted a blade in the queens vagina without her knowledge and this he continued for 30 days since in the Kings harem there were 30 knights. So everyday the King inserted the blade into the Queen's vagina for the forth coming 30 days and after 30 days the King called all of his knights and removed thier underware and saw, and the King found all of his knights with a penis that was cut into two, but only one had his penis full and the King was very happy to see a loyal knight and he asked the knight to speak something and when the knight opened his mouth the King saw his tongue that was cut into two.
Q: What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream.There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. “Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer. “Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.” “I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.” They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?” “Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
propel, propel, propel your craft
smoothly down the liquid solution
ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically,
existence is merely an illusionDid you know the most difficult job in the US Military is being a Navy Pilot?
I guess it is really hard to make the boats fly!Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Asked the teacher.
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. He repliedTwo guys go hunting. Tim has never gone hunting. Scott has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Scott tells Tim to sit quietly by a tree while Scott checks out a deer stand and to not make a sound. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Scott hears a blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Tim and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Tim says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any longer!"One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman isadjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"Jim happened to bump into is friend Greg at the tennis club. “So, Jim said, “How’s it working out with that shrink I recommended.” “Great,” Greg said. “I mean, when I started, I was the most arrogant, self-impressed egomaniac on God’s green earth.” Now, he shrugged, “you couldn’t ask to meet a more terrific guy than me.”
A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior. Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu”!
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?” “Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
”He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie.... . Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."What did one fag say to the other fag in the bar? Can I push your stool?
A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.
“I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car,” he said. “That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks.”
“Fine, I need a new garage door.”When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African the question:
"Why is it that some South Africans say 'Ja' (pronounced as "ya") while others say 'Yes' if they have the same meanings?"
"Clever people say 'Yes' while stupid people say 'Ja'," was his reply.
"So, are you clever?" asked Daniel.
"Ja," replied the South African.ACURA INTEGRA - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
ACURA LEGEND - I'm too bland for German cars.
AUDI 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
BUICK PARK AVENUE - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
CADILLAC SEVILLE - I am a pimp.
CHEVROLET CAMARO - I enjoy beating people up.
CHEVROLET CHEVETTE - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I
have a 'Vette.
CHEVROLET CORVETTE - I am going through a mid-life crisis.
DATSUN 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
DODGE DAYTONA - I delivered pizzas for four years to get this car.
FORD MUSTANG - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
FORD CROWN VICTORIA - I enjoy having people slow to 45 and change lanes
when they pull up behind me.
GEO STORM - I start 11th grade in the fall.
GEO TRACKER - I start 12th grade in the fall.
HONDA CIVIC - I have just graduated and have no credit.
HONDA ACCORD - I lack any originality.
INFINITI Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
JAGUAR XJ6 - I am so rich that I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop
280 days per year.
LINCOLN TOWN CAR - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
MAZDA TRUCK - I only WANT people to think I'm a construction worker.
MERCEDES 500SL - I will beat the shit out of you if you ask for an
autograph.
MAZDA MIATA - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB - I am dating a mechanic.
MITSUBISHI DIAMANTE - I don't know what it means either.
NISSAN 300ZX - I have a government paid car.
PLYMOUTH NEON - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
PONTIAC TRANS AM - I have a switch blade in my sock.
SUBARU LEGACY - I've always wanted a Japanese car more inferior than Isuzu.
TOYOTA CAMRY - I am still in the closet.
VOLKSWAGON BEETLE - I still watch Patridge Family reruns.
VOLKSWAGON CABRIOLET - I am out of the closet. (I own a VW)
VOLKSWAGON MICROBUS - I am tripping out right now.
This old man was feared by all his neighbors because they believe he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. Every time he had a confrontation with his wife, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night along with the same statement. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Well he died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The cheerfulness of her actions was becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: are you not afraid? Worried? Concerned? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”
Sing to the tune of "My Sharona"
The girl looked good to me
Good to me
She looked like Pamela Lee
After 9 coronas
I began to kiss her
Undid her zipper
She looked like Claudia Schiffer
After 9 coronas
When I met her at the bar
She said she was on Baywatch
When she got into my car
She looked a lot like Sasquatch
Bow wow wow wow wow
Waaaahhhhh
9 coronas
She kinda looked like Mr. Spock
"Live long and prosper"
But she was Courtney Cox
After 9 coronas
We were hot with passion
We were mashin'
'Cause she looked like Jennifer Aniston
After 9 coronas
Late into the night
I rode her like a Harley
In the soft candlelight
She looked like Chris Farley
Bow wow wow wow wow
Waaaahhhhh
9 coronas
She was fat and stinky
And kinda sticky
But she looked like Christie Brinkley
After 9 coronas
She looked like Pee Herman
"That's my name - don't wear it out"
But she was Uma Thurman
After 9 coronas
In our 23rd position
I think I got whiplash
She was really bitchin'
Except for her moustache
Bow wow wow wow wow
Waaaahhhhh
9 coronas
She was bigger than a Winnebago
A way to go
She looked like Lisa Kudrow
After 9 coronas
She was no Cindy Crawford
Cindy Crawford
Nothing rhymes with Cindy Crawford
After 9 coronas
Opened up another bottle
I started drinking more beer
So I could wake up
Next to Heather Locklear
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yaaaahhhhh
9 coronas
9 coronas
(Repeat till fade)Columbus Day always reminds me of the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde. You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.
A college student said to his mother, “I decided that I want to be a political science major and that I want to clean up the mess in the world!”
“That is very nice,” muted his mother. “You can go upstairs and start with your room.”Q: Why did the blonde date hunters?
A: Because she heard they go deep into the bush, always shoot twice, love to mount their prey and always eat what they shoot.One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book."A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"What did Father say when you told him you wrecked the car?" asked Mary's mother.
Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?"
"Yes, of course!" Mary's mom replied.
"Nothing."Once there were three boys sitting in the park, and a police officer came over to them, and told them they had to come with him to the court because there had been reports of something strange going on in the park.
So, when they got to the court, the judge asked the bailif to bring the first little boy in, and the judge asked him what he had seen. The little boy said "Well, sir, there were these two people, and they were fuckin". Judge said "Son, i dont' allow that kind of language in my court room, bailiff, take him out."
So, the judge called in the second little boy, and asked him what he had seen. Little boy said "Well, sir, there were these two people, and they were screwing." Judge again said "I don't allow that kind of language, take him out too."
So, then the judge called in the third little boy and asked the same question. The third little boy said "Well, sir, I saw ten toes up, ten toes down, two assholes goin round and round, six inches out, and six inches in, that's all i'm sayin so i don't get thrown in the pin."John to librarian: "l want the book named 'Psycho The Rapist'".
The librarian searched for 2 hrs, then came back, slapped John and said, "Idiot the book name is 'Psychotherapist'."1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.It's a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are in a ditch digging away. Meanwhile, Ralph is up under the shade of a tree sipping on a cool drink. Jake asks Harry, "Why are we down here digging in the hot Sun while Ralph is being cool up there?" Harry says, "I don't know, I'll go ask him". Harry goes up and asks Ralph, "Why are you up here in the shade drinking a cool drink and Jake and I are in the ditch digging in the hot sun?" Ralph says, "'cause I've got smarts". "What's that? Asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, "Hit my hand as hard as you can". Harry swings his fist at Ralph’s hand, Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree, hurting his hand. Ralph, says "I knew to pull my hand away, that’s called having smarts". Harry goes back in the ditch and Jake asks, "What did he say?" Ralph says, "Its cause he has smarts." "What's that? Asks Jake. Harry puts his hand in front of his face and says. "Hit my hand!"
A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that bird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro''
Q: What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?
A: Dam!Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."Arthritis > > A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. > He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was > stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had > a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. > > He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of > minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes > arthritis"? > > "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, > wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your > fellow man." > > "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned > to reading his paper. > > The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man > and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so > strong. How long have you had arthritis?" > > "I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the > paper that the Pope does." > >
Two brothers were raised on a farm, one brother moved to town. Every year, the city brother would come out to visit the farmer brother. Every time he came out, the farmer brother was complaining about his crops. It was too hot or too cold, too wet or too dry, prices were low, the crops looked bad. As the city brother was driving out one year, he noticed the crops looking great. He had the radio on and crops were hitting an all time high. As he got out to the farm, here was the farmer brother sitting in a rocking chair with a grumpy looking on his face. The city brother asked why he was in a bad mood. The crops looked great, the right amount of rain, temp., and prices were setting records highs. The farmer brother said, you know what a crop like this takes out of the soil?
When the rod in her closet fell from the weight of her clothes Sally decided to donate some. While gathering the garments she no longer wore, she checked the pockets in one coat and found a ticket for shoes she’d brought in for repairs nearly four years before. “So that’s what happened to those,” she muttered. Later that day after dropping off the clothes, she decided to see if the repairman still had the shoes. After studying the ticket, the man said. “I’m sorry, but those won’t be ready until Friday.”
Doctor, Doctor I think I am suffering from De-ja vu.
Didn't I see you yesterday?You know it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship with your computer when….
You wake up at 3 o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and you stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape.
Your family always knows where you are.The Queens Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there... any tips you can give to me?"
‎"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please ... See More send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"Dotty came into the office all aflutter about her husband, “You won’t believe this, Terry, but George takes a fishing- pole into the bathroom and tosses the hook into the tub.”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” gasped Terry. “Don’t you think you should take him to a psychiatrist?” “No time,” replied Dotty with a shrug. “I’m too busy cleaning fish.”Men’s brains are like prison system: not enough cells per man.
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they
feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the
man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends wife. "Is John home?" he asks. She replies "No I'm sorry he's gone out to run a few errands." "Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?" She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. "I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them." The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks "Your breast was so beautiful, I've got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both." She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, "I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by." About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says "Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago." John replies, "Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?"
The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"
She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."
"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?
"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."
"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"
"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"
"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?"Q:If your a American outside the bathroom what are you inside the bathroom
A:EuropeanA visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday. After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears.
“Now, John,” said his father, “I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.” “And I did,” said Billy; “I had it going down, and he had it going up.”Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's
supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?Doctor my son swallowed my pen, what do I do?
Use a pencil until I get there.An airline ticker office in Copenhagen reminds you:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONSFor his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.
“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.
“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist.
“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly.
Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”
The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”CHINESE EBONICS
* Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?)
* Approach me. (Kum Hia)
* Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai)
* Small horse (Tai Ni Poni)
* Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting)
* Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan)
* I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni)
* Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat)
* You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?)
* Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
* Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?)
* Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy)
* You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?)
* Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding)
* Tow-away zone (No Pah King)
* Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing DumSong?)
* You are not very bright (Yu So Dum)
* I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)
* I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?)
* You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao)
* Remain out of sight (Lei Lo)
* Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)
* Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?)
* Your body odor is offensive (Shu Man Go)
* They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum)His girlfriend had just learned to drive the car and now they were out in the suburbs racing along over seventy. “Doesn’t speeding over the beautiful country make you glad you are alive?” she asked.
“Glad?” He raised an eyebrow. “Glad in not the word for it. I’m amazed.”As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more leg room to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus,
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."And how is your customer service”? Asked a skeptical customer to the used car dealer.
“Oh, that’s first class. Anybody who buys a car from us gets a free copy of the latest railroad train schedules!”A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and bang- right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear?” she asked.
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwipped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, your afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.An Irishman sat down at the bar and ordered a Guiness. "Is that Jesus over there?" he asked.
"Yes" said the barman.
"Well give the man a Guiness" he said.
A little while later an American walked in, sat down beside the Irishman and ordered a bourbon. "Is that Jesus over there?" he asked.
"Yes" said the barman.
"Give the man a bourbon" he said.
A little while later an Australian walked in, sat down beside the American and ordered a beer. "Is that Jesus over there?" he asked.
"Yes" said the barman.
"Well give the man a beer" he said.
After He had finished His drinks, Jesus walked up to the Irishman, touched him on the shoulder and thanked him for the drink. The Irishman's withered arm was immediately cured. Jesus then walked over to the American, touched him on the head and thanked him for the drink. "Thanks" said the American "I've had a blinding migraine for the last 20 years and instantly it's gone".
Jesus then walked toward the Australian.
"Don't touch me " the Australian said, " I'm on workers comp".
Q: What do you call Raggedy Ann in the mud with a rock in her mouth? A: A DIRTY COTTON ROCK SUCKER
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog
----------------------------------
German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
----------------------------------
1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
----------------------------------
Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
----------------------------------
Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.
----------------------------------
2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
----------------------------------
Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own
1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.
----------------------------------
83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000
----------------------------------
Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15
----------------------------------
Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89
----------------------------------
Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.
----------------------------------
FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
----------------------------------
Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
----------------------------------
Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"
----------------------------------
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
----------------------------------
HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"
----------------------------------
Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
----------------------------------
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
----------------------------------
Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.
----------------------------------
Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained
----------------------------------
American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100
----------------------------------
Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
----------------------------------
Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175
----------------------------------
Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
----------------------------------
Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300
----------------------------------
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
----------------------------------
Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember
----------------------------------
Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell
----------------------------------
Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts
----------------------------------
Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.
----------------------------------
Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.
----------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.A few years I got tired of the city life and bought a little cabin In the remote mountains of Alaska. It was a long winter, but made it thru it.
One day I heard a knock at my door I opened it and there stood a big burly guy. He said he lived over the mountain and had seen my smoke. He said he is throwing a spring party over at his cabin. He said it will be tomorrow and asked me if I wanted to come?
I said ya, its been a long winter,
He said There would be a lot of drinking,
I said I like to drink.
Also there will probably be some fighting,
I said I could hold my own.
Then he said, oh, there will be a lot of sex,
I said wow, Its been a long time for me.
He said see you tomorrow and started to walk off.
I said what time should I be there?
He said, it doesn't matter, There's only going to be you and me!After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,
Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the so-called eye.
In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and
Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer", and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the
man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch", says the man.
"Same for me", says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."At the movie theater, a young man returning to his seat taps the arm of a woman in the last seat in the row. “Excuse me,” he says, “but did I step on your toe on the way out?” “As a matter of fact, you did,” says the woman, expecting an apology.
“Oh good,” says the man, “then this is my row.”A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther.
So he stuck his thumb out and after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a
ride.
Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off
after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the
speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"SMILE
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"Heard about the two blondes who were found starving and freezing to death at the drive inn?
They thought closed for winter was a movie.A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
A wealthy and very well dressed financial consultant arrived at his office to fill out his report for the company he was working for.
The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified gentleman left his Porsche with the parking attendant and entered wearing the building wearing his designer business suit. His shoes clicked along the polished floor as he headed for the elevator.
He picked up the paperwork, and strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his fifteen hundred dollar briefcase and sat down at his desk. He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped.
"I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud.
Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers cap toe dress shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well.
The now barefoot consultant then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can.
A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed.
A moment later, the consultant dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively.
Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit and his starched white shirt, and folded them before stuffing them in the garbage as well.
The consultant finally sat down in his underwear and finished his work.
A colleague came in, looked around, saw the stripped consultant and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. “Why did you do this?” he asked in bewilderment.
The formerly well-dressed and impeccably groomed consultant angrily and wearily picked up the paperwork.
“Why didn’t you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly! ALL questions MUST be answered in brief!”
How do you tell if a girl's boyfriend is blonde?
She has a bruised bellybutton.The VP hobbled in to his house and was greeted by his wife.
“Dear,” she said, startled, “what are you doing home so early?”
“The boss and I had a fight,” he grumbled. “He would not take back what he said.”
Glowing with pride, his wife asked, “what did he say?
The VP shrugged. “You’re fired.”Q: What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A: A celebrity roast.The economy is so bad that: Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. “As you are fitting her glasses, if she asks how much they cost, you say ‘$150.’ “If her eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $100.’ “If her eyes still don’t flutter, you add, ‘Each.’”
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."The Great White Hunter was with his faithful pigmy assistant, Poomba, in the darkest jungles of Africa. Concerned about their safety, he asked Poomba "If I were to be injured way out here, would you be able to get me back to civilisation for medical attention?" Poomba replied "Of course boss, once I killed a 500 pound gorilla and carted it all the way back to my village in Mombasa." "That remarkable" said he great white hunter "But how did a pigmy manage 500 pound of gorilla" "It was easy boss" came the reply "Twelve trips"
Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.”
“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked. “Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.”Q: What do you call an intelligent, attractive, sensitive man?
A: A rumorA guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and, while he's nursing it, the monkey runs wild. It jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in its mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did? It just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table." "Yeh, well I hope it kills the little shit. He's been driving me nuts." The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later, he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild again. The monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted."Did you see what your monkey did just now? He stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it." "Well, what did you expect?" the patron replied. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"
Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip for the boy who delivers our paper?
His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard.Q: What do you get when you cross a mule with a sack of onions?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.A man entered a barbershop and said: “I am tired of looking like everyone else!
I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!” said the man.
The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop.
A few hours passed and the man reentered the shop. “Put it back the way it was,” he said. “What’s the matter? Asked the barber. “Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?” “No”, he replied, “I am tired of people whispering in my nose!”Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town.
The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land.
The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.
The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "Now we'll see THIS land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened.
After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked.
"Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came our from no where."
The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road.
"What's the matter, Son?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head."
The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home.
"I wonder what happened with the grenade," said one soldier.
"Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically.
"Ma'am...what's so funny?"
The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up."If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them
out of meat?When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African the question:
"Why is it that some South Africans say 'Ja' (pronounced as "ya") while others say 'Yes' if they have the same meanings?"
"Clever people say 'Yes' while stupid people say 'Ja'," was his reply.
"So, are you clever?" asked Daniel.
"Ja," replied the South African.Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun!'"A man is captured by cannibals, every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.
Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "Hey, you can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!"The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”Q: What do you call a man who just lost his brain?
A: Divorced.The young man really liked the perfume the young lady was wearing and asked its name. She looked puzzled for a minute then dumped the contents of her purse on the table between them. She searched through the pile and finally found a small atomizer. She looked at the label and announced, “Unforgettable”
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No."
She said, "Okay, forget it."Mo and Jo are sitting in boat fishing, drinking beer and chewing tobacco when out of the blue Mo says, “I think I’m gonn a divorce my wife …… she ain’t spoke to me in over a month.” Jo sips his beer and says, “Better think over, women like that are hard to find.”
Pam found an old family Bible in the attic. When she opened it, a large pressed leaf fell out. “Aha!” she said, “Adam must have left his clothes here.”
Calvin sees Elmer and asks: What’s up?
Elmer says; first I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.
Calvin says: Boy, you had a time!
Elmer: I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull trough that spelling test.You know you’re getting old when your best friend tells you he's having an affair and you want to know if it's catered
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup of the day, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"It's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."
Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.
So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender.
"What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks "Talk? Sure *he* talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a "Jerk!"Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"A man walked into a bakery and said, "I want a birthday cake baked for me in the shape of the letter S."
The baker nodded, "Ill have that ready by three this afternoon. But it will cost extra for the S shape."
"Money is no object," said the customer.
At three oclock the customer was back. The cake was proudly presented in all its serpentine glory, and the man lost his temper. "Not an ordinary S, you idiot," he shouted. "I want a beautiful flowing S in script."
The baker said, "But you didnt say so. If you can come back at eight this evening, Ill have it for you, but its going to cost extra."
The customer was back at eight. Another cake was presented. He looked at it critically and said, "I dont like the way the Happy Birthday looks. Can you rewrite it? Ill pay extra for your trouble."
"I can fix that in no time. Come back in half an hour," said the baker.
By eight thirty he was back, and the cake was perfect. With a sigh of relief, the baker pulled a box down and prepared to package the cake.
"Hold it," said the customer. "Im eating it here."Roger sits down at the counter of his local bar. "Bartender," he says, "give me the bottle of your strongest whiskey."
The bartender laughs, "Sure thing, pal, $150."
He hands Roger the bottle, who instantly begins guzzling it down.
"My God!" said the bartender, "I've never seen anyone drink whisky that fast!"
"Well," said Roger, "I'm actually part of a new medical experiment, you see I have a series of cybernetic implants designed to allow me to handle any amount of alcohol very quickly."
"Is that so?" said the bartender.
"Yes," said Roger, suddenly there is a loud buzzing from his chest.
"That's my metal stomach, codenamed old clanker, adding it to my bloodstream." Another low humming now. "That's my cyborg liver, codenamed old trusty, processing the whiskey." A high pitched whistle came from Roger's lower torso. "That is my titanium kidney, codenamed old bean."
Suddenly, a man in a mask with a gun bursts through the door.
"Alright, this is a robbery," he shouts, pointing his gun at the bartender, "all the money, NOW!" Everyone in the bar is terrified, with the exception of Roger, who turns to face the robber on his stool. All of a sudden, a deep rumbling shakes the bar. Roger's fly bursts open and a yellow geyser rushes forth, throws the robber out the door, across the street, and into a brick wall.
The bartender shouts, awestuck, "What the hell was that?"
Roger smiles, "That was the last implant I got, codenamed old faithful."Q: What do you call an intelligent, attractive, sensitive man?
A: A rumor"What is the difference between a TORNADO, and a REDNECK getting a divorce..?"
"Who cares, either way, somebody loses a trailer!"A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!” The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?” “We don’t know,” the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,” said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to know a second language.”
BEWARE OF NEW VIRUS OUTBREAKS!!
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by c:>
Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microrganism."
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole dang thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
Nike virus: Just does it.
Sears virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.
Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
George Bush virus: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.
L.A.P.D. virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
Oral Roberts virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.How did Canada get its name? Well, they wanted to be like their southern neighbors: having a name with three letters, like U.S.A. So they had a convention and put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat. The premier then began drawing the letters out one-by-one, announcing them to the crowd as he did so?
?C eh??
?N eh??
?D eh??A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday.
So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.“I’d like two pork chops,” asked the woman to her butcher, “and make them lean.”
“Yes ma’am,” said the polite butcher, standing then on end. “Which way?”Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”
A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!" "What's that mean?" asks the girl. "That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast." "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon." What's that?" asked the guy. The girl says, "That's French toast."
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.
"What happened to you?" asked the doctor who was examining him.
"Chain saw accident," the man replied.
"Well, you're lucky," the doctor said; "I've seen worse."
"It wasn't turned on," the man replied.Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.Welcome to the psychiatrist hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 . . . repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have mutliple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing this call. Please stay on the line.
If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a little voice will tell you what to do.
If you are manic depressive it doesn't matter what you do, no one cares about you anyway.When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. “Do you take children?” the man asked.
“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”"Doctor, doctor I feel like a bridge"
"What’s come over you”?
"Two cars a truck and a coach"The lion tamer led his young apprentice into the cage. “The first thing to remember,” said the older man, “is that if a lion jumps at you, throw something at it.”
“And what do I do if there’s nothing to throw?”
The lion tamer said, “If a lion jumps at you __ there will be.”Sam had just proposed marriage to the love of his life and she had turned him down. “If you don’t marry me immediately,” he threatened, “I’ll go to the lake, cut a hole in the ice, dive in and drown myself.”
“Why this is May. The ice won’t cover the lake for eight months!”
“O.K., then I’ll wait.”The difference between bathing suits now and then are that the bathing suits from the past required that you open the suit to see the butt.
The bathing suits of today require that you open the butt to see the suit.Two drunks are sitting elbow to elbow at a bar. “I wish I knew where I was going to die,” Paul says.
“Why?” asks Tom
“Because if I knew I would not go there “Paul replied.The policeman was interviewing the man whose store had jus been robbed.
“It’s bad,” said the owner, “but it’s not as bad as it would have been if he’d robbed me yesterday.”
“Why is that?” the policeman asked
“Because today everything was on sale.”"How could you shoot your old buddy?"
"I though he was an elk in the bushes."
"Well, then did you understand it was a person?"
"Of course, but only when the elk shot me back."What food do people who do not like to wear clothes like to eat?
Nude-les
What food do people who keep shaking their head like to eat?
Noddles
What food-item do pessimists like the most?
No-dles
What food-item do people who like new things like the most?
No-old-les!A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live."
The patient is shocked, "Jeez! What's the good news then, doctor?"
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient says, "Yes."
The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm dating her!"A driving instructor: What would you do if you were going up an icy hill and the motor stalled and brakes failed?
His student replied; I’d quickly adjust the rearview mirror.Q: Did you hear about the fire in the bakery?
A: It burned 20 cakes and 30 loaves of bread, and there were plenty of hot cross buns!4 YEAR OLD: My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEAR OLD: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEAR OLD: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEAR OLD: Naturally, my Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEAR OLD: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEAR OLD: That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEAR OLD: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEAR OLD: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEAR OLD: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEAR OLD: Wish I could talk it over with Mom . . .A newlywed is trying to console his little bride, who sprawled, dissolved in tears on the couch. “Darling’” he implored, “Believe me. I never said you were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer.”
Q: What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A: "Stop going in circles and get to the point!"Mary said to her neighbor, “Don’t tell me you believe your husband’s story that he spent the day fishing. Why, he didn’t come home with a single fish.”
That’s why I believe him,” the neighbor said.Carl asked, “Got anything to cure fleas on a dog?”
“That depends,” the slow-minded vet replied.
“What’s wrong with them?”A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”
What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question? Asked the librarian “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M..!” the librarian said, “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in? The man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”
Day 1:
One day, Dopey went to the circus. They had some interesting side-shows.
Dopey paid $1 to see the Yellow-Brown Striped Bear and sure enough there, on display, was a bear with yellow and brown stripes on him.
Later he paid another $1 to see a monkey with two tails and sure enough, there in a cage, was a monkey with two tails.
Just before leaving he spent another $1 to see the Invisible Man. Behind the curtain was a chair and nothing more. He came back out and demanded his money back.
The manager asked, "Didn't you see the chair?"
"Yes" said Dopey, "But it was empty. There was no one sitting on it."
The manager replied "Of course there was. You didn't see him cause he is invisible." and refused to refund the money.
Not having an answer, Dopey left.
Day 2:
The next day, Dopey returned because he felt he had been swindled. He found the Side-show Manager and said, "Look, I really believe there was no one in that chair and I want my money back !"
The manager replied, "What makes you think the Invisible Man wasn't sitting in that chair?"
Dopey replied, "Because when I was in the room, I asked if anyone was there and no one answered."
"Of course not.", said the manager, "He is deaf."
"But", said Dopey, "he should have said something when he saw me come into the room."
"He didn't know you were there, he's blind!" said the manager who further added, "Be glad I didn't charge you for the extras!"Q: Why can't you go to the bathroom with a Pokemon?
A: Because he'll Pikachu.A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car behind me."
The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . . "In the mirror as always . . "
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will speak tonight at seven P.M. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa!
If you take an oriental person, spin him around several times, would he become "dis-oriented?'
A man was driving the wrong way down a one-way street. He was stopped by a policeman. “This is a one-way street,” said the officer. “I know,” said the motorist, “I’m only going one way.”
The Ghost Poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
The Clean poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo:
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So yo end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo:
That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Second Wave Poo:
This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
The Brain Haemorrahage-through-your-nose Poo:
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log Log-
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The Power Dump Poo:
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Poo:
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
The Spinal Tap Poo:
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.A Doctor at a health conference said “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
A blonde walked into a barber shop with a pair of headphones on. She asked for a haircut. The blonde added "but don't take my headphones off or else I'll just die!" So the barber started washing her hair and decided, he'd just remove the headphones before they got ruined. So he took them off. She immediately died. The barber wondered why. He put the headphones on. "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”Chuck Norris once ran on the treadmill. It couldn't keep up.
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."Q: Do you know why dogs don't dance?
A: They have two left feet!December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.
Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing
Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha
trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows 2000.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday
scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in
confectioner's sugar to add a festive touch to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.
Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle.
Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phyllum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that
A big group of hunters were in the middle of the jungle and decided to split into smaller groups. Four fools decided to form one of the smaller groups and started walking.
After a while, one of them realized they were quite far away from the main group, and that they couldn't possibly find the way back. One of the other fools says to the other three: "I've heard that whenever you can't find your group, what you have to do is to shoot three times to the air and wait for someone to find you" They shoot three times to the air, wait a while, but nothing happens. So they shoot three more times to the air but, again, no one comes to help them. After trying three shots more the fool says: "I hope this time someone can find us... that was my last arrow"According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met
them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors,
she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.Two old ladies, Mary and Martha met in the town, "Mary, how was the weather on your week's holiday". "Oh not so bad it only rained twice, Once for four days and once for three"
1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.
3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."
4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.
6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny butt!
7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you?
“I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!”
The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously
masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town’s preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa.”
What did Dracula said about his new girlfriend?
Oh, she is my love at first bite!There is this juggler driving down the sreet on his way to a show.
All of a sudden a cop pulls him over. The cop comes up to the window and says, "License and registration please." Meanwhile the cop is looking inside the car and noticed that there were torches and lighter fluid and matches in the back seat. The cop gets a little suspicious and thinks, "Wow! I may have caught an arsonist." So he says to the juggler."What are the torches for?"
The juggler replies, "I am a juggler and as part of my act I juggle flaming torches."
The cop says,"I don't believe you, prove it." So the juggler gets out of the car and drags out all of his stuff and starts juggling like 5 flaming torches.
While this is going on, a couple is driving by. The husband turns to his wife and says, "Gee honey, I am sure glad that I quit drinking. Look at the tests they are giving now."A straight eyed and cross eyed guy bump into each other, and the cross eyed guy said to the straight eyed guy.
“Why don’t you look where you are going?"
The straight eyed guy responded to the cross eyed guy.
“Why don’t you go where you are looking?"WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY
1. He had only one major publication
2. It was in Hebrew
3. It had no references
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal
5. Some doubt, He wrote it himself
6. He may have created the world but what has He done since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results.
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
10. He rarely came to class and just told students: " Read the Book "
11. Some say He had His son teach the class.
12. He expelled His first two students.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed.Q: What does a farmer count his cows with?
A: A Cow-culator!
Q: Why did the man fall off the building?
A: He tripped.Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”
“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.
“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”A priest noticed that one of the nuns in the convent was getting a little chubby. "Is there anything wrong?" he asked her.
The nun replied, "It's just gas!"
As time went by he noticed she was getting very fat indeed.
"Are you sure you're ok?" he asked again. "Yes," she replied. "It's just gas!"
One day, the priest saw the nun pushing a pram around. He stopped and peered inside. "Hmm . . . cute little fart."Two dumb fishermen are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first fishermen.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.
"But officer," replied the second fishermen, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the fishermen started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
-- Phyllis DillerAn old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
...again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish."
So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are
real tough guys in here.” Do you can handle it?” “No problem,” the applicant replied,
“If they don’t behave, out they go!”A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?"Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A. Eliphino!
(Hell if I know)Mary had a little lamb
Her father killed it dead
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two slices of bread.Stewart Finnigan hadn't seen his brother Shamus for a long long time. Stewart still lived just outside Belfast, with his mother and some 20 sheep. Shamus had gone to Canada 20 years before to work with the Canadian Broadcasting Company.
After a terrible spell of missing his brother, Stewart decided he would fly to Halifax and see his brother for a week or two. So he called Belfast Air but was told a seat was ?700 Irish Pounds.
Stewart was amazed . But he had an idea. He had heard babies could fly for free, so he said to the lady on the phone, "Can I get a discount because I'm only 4 foot 4 and only weigh 8 stone". The lady replied. "I'm sorry sir, but a seat is a seat...size doesn't matter."
A few days later, his friends found Stewart wallowing in a glass of Ale. He lamented his story to them and they decided it was time to find a solution to their small friend's problem. So they called Belfast Air and inquired about the cost of sending cargo to Canada. They were told the cost would be ?5 Irish Pounds for every "stone" of weight. They asked about size restrictions and were told the package couldn't be more then 6 feet high and 4 feet wide or long. Ah, they had found their solution.
The next day they found their little buddy at the same Pub but with a different glass of Ale. They explained what they had done and a smile appeared on Stewart's face.
The next day, Cargo Handlers at Belfast Air were loadin' a barrel onto an aircraft. On the barrel, was a label:
To: Shamus Finnigan Halifax, Canada
From: Friends of Finnigan Belfast, Northern Ireland
Contents: Irish StewA very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flue condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited nnd warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.
"Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"Bill was showing Joe the family album, and came across a picture of himself and his wife on their wedding day. “Was that the day Mommy came to work for us?” Joe asked.
A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.Q: How do you know that a man is about to say something smart?
A: It will always start with "she said..."Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish.”
“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a taillight.”
The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman. The man mumbled, “It’s not the taillight I am worried about. Where are my wife and trailer?”A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
Socrates came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your students?” “Just a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three. “The first test is Truth. Are you sure that what you will say is true? “Oh no,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.” “So you don’t really know if it’s true, Socrates said. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?” “No, on the contrary..” “So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?” The man shrugged, rather embarrassed. Socrates continued. “You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me at all?” “Well it ..no, not really..” “Well, concluded Socates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor good nor ever Useful, why tell it to me at all?” The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out what Plato was up to.
While attending a Marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?”
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Reports say that the food is good but no atmosphere!
A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist.
Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.
To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!
The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.
The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'
'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack.'Joe: Hi Fred. How was the Zoo?
Fred: Terrible. They threw me out because I was feeding the monkeys.
Joe: That's awful! What were you feeding them?
Fred: ...to the lions.“Doctor!” complained the patient; “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.”
The doctor scratched his head. “Why have you come to me?
Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
“No,” replied the patient, “just spots.”Did you water the plants, Sofia, asked the mistress of the house?
“Of course, ma’am,” Sofia said. “Don’t you hear the water dripping on the carpet?”The Death of an Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So..how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer?"The doctor told the idiot to take this medicine after a hot bath.
He could hardly finish drinking the bath!Why is it called a 'Picnic'?
Betty Sue wanted to eat outside on a hot summer day with her boyfriend. Problem: she had two boyfriends, Fred and Nick. Considering she knew she wouldn't have a very happy lunch if the two boys were arguing, she decided just to choose one boy to have the meal.
She Picked Nick.Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."An old man always had his dog chained up, and one day he decided to take the dog out hunting with him. Since the dog has been chained up for so long it ran for a chance at freedom. The man ran after the dog hoping to catch it. The dog ran over a cliff. The man said, "dog gone it."
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it
weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely ..... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.
Q: How do you get a Democrat to pay taxes?
A: Give them "Change" and "Hope"1. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her web site.
2. When every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
3. You cannot remember when the only choices you had in coffee were regular and decaf.
4. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready and he emails you back "What's for dinner."
5. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
6. You own a sport utility vehicle and you live where it doesn't even snow.
7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
8. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
9. You can't change your hairstyle until your favorite television personality does.
10 On Friday you know there are only two working days left until Monday.
11 You have to back to the office to finish working after your OWN holiday party.Q. What has two circles on either end, and is high in the middle?
A. OhioQ: Do politicians ever lie?
A: What do you think they get paid for?A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.
Business or pleasure, he asks?
Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer!
Why?
Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!
My condolences, says the officer!
It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!
Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a Will for me!In the Chemistry class the teacher was describing how August Kekulé, the scientist accidentally discovered a formula to express Benzene.
Kekulé once dozed off in his lab while trying to arrange the six carbon atoms in a particular format alongside six-hydrogen. The scientific community in the entire world had no answer either. Suddenly he had a dream and in his dream he saw two snakes eating each other and suddenly he woke up and tried to write out the formula that way and that was how we got the Benzene ring as we know it today, she said.
The teacher however felt bad finding a girl in the front bench dozing off all this while and pulled her up.
A boy from the rear said: Madam, please spare her; who knows she might come up with another formula for Benzene!A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”A shy man was feeling a little lucky and decided to ask the subdued provocative Librarian about seduction as he tended to be oblique in his intentions.
“Do you have any books on women seducing men?''
The Librarian answered without hesitation '' Why yes" she murmured.
Most likely found in the '' Fantasy section"1.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14.I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two- Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices
from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in
the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure miss, which way was it
headed?"The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
Confucius says, "Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there."
A snail was mugged by a tortoise. The police said "Can you give us a description of your attacker?
The snail said, "no, it all happened so fast!"While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses, each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asked one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she said with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork,
held it up and smirked, "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly, "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"A man visiting New York stopped at a restaurant which claimed it could supply any dish ordered, so the tourist asked the waiter for Kangaroo on toast. The waiter came back a while later and said, “I am so sorry, sir, but we have run out of bread.”
A high school student is in the counselor’s office. “So tell me, what things interest you?
“I’d like to cut people open and run my fingers through their liver and heart!”
The counselor chuckle and after a long pause says, “Well, I guess that means you’ll either be a surgeon or psychotic killer. Tell me more about yourself.” The student paused for a minute and said; “Well, to start with, I’m never wrong.” “Other people adore me and do exactly as I say…or if they don’t, they should.” The counselor smiles and says; “Surgeon it is!”Q: What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
A: The lightbulb can be unscrewed.Stan and Norm are out for a round of golf when Stan hits his ball into the rough. As they are looking for the ball, Stan spots a beautiful blonde using a bush for a restroom. He grabs Norm and they both hide behind a tree while they have a look.
"This is incredible. A beautiful woman like that actually relieving herself in the woods." says Stan.
"Yeah," says Norm "And I bet she won't even wipe her behind when she's finished."
Stan is aghast. "No way! A beautiful woman like that would never be so disgusting."
Norm replied, "I'm telling you she isn't going to wipe."
"How do you know?" asked Stan.
"I just do." replied Norm. "I'm so confident, in fact, that I'll bet you ten dollars she doesn't wipe her behind."
"You're on!" said Stan, thinking he was on to a sure thing.
Suddenly Norm stepped out from behind the tree and shouted "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"A nun gets on a bus late on a Saturday night, and it's only her and the bus driver. After a few minutes, the nun says to the bus driver, "I'm going to take my final vows tomorrow, and I've been thinking..." The bus driver asks, "Thinking of what?". The nun replies hesitantly, "Well, I've lived a pure life, kept myself from indulging in sin, but I'm having a dilemna. I can't go through with my final vows without really ever been exposed to sin. I want to have sex, and onlt then can I know if I'm making the right decision." The bus driver says, "Well ma'am, that's a decison you'll have to make yourself." A few minutes later the nun says to the bus driver, "You seem like a kind man, you're not married are you?". The bus driver asks the nun, "Why do you ask, sister?" "Because I couldn't have sex with a married man, that would be unforgivable in the eyes of the Lord." "Well, sister," the bus driver replies, "it happens to be that I'm not." The nun begs the man to endulge her wishes, and the bus driver agrees. They come to a deserted stretch of road and pull over. "One last thing," the nun says, "I can't be vaginally penetrated. I have to have anal sex to remain a virgin." The bus driver agrees to the nun's request. After they finished, the nun sat quietly down for the remainder of the trip. The nuns stop came up, and as she walked to the door to get out, the bus driver said in a trembling voice, "Sister, I have to confess something to you. I'm actually married. I have two children, and their mother and I were high school sweethearts that were married the day after graduation. I'm so sorry for lying to you." "That's alright my son. I must admit, I wasn't fully honest with you" replied the nun. "What do you mean?", asked the driver. The nun replied, "My name is really Bruce, and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
Early one morning, Jerome was walking along a beach. In the sand he found a brass lamp. He decided to rub the lamp and a beautiful genie appeared.
Jerome, being quite a bright lad, said "I have released you from your prison and you must grant me 3 wishes."
The Genie said "That is true but my powers are rusty. You will have to come back tomorrow."
Jerome replied "Oh, but I cannot wait till tomorrow, because I am a student and must take my finals exams then."
The Genie responded, "Very well. I will write you 3 letters of acquaintance. Give one to each of the wizards whose address I have written on the letters and they will grant you a wish on my behalf."
Off Jerome went. On the way he wondered what to wish for and thought about his exams tomorrow. He suspected what some of the exam questions might be and thought why not be sure I have the correct answers. So he decided to ask the Wizards to unravel some perplex mysteries for him.
To the first, he asked to know the secret of how Caramel puts the caramel in their bars. Poof . . . the Wizard sent him to the Chocolate Factory and he discovered how it was done.
To the second Wizard, he asked how toothpaste could come out like a candy cane . . . with the red stripe down it. Poof . . . the Wizard send him to the Toothpaste Factory and he now knew how it was done.
To the third Wizard (whom he woke up) . . . he asked how the pyramids were built. Poof . . . Jerome found himself in the Egyptian Desert working with thousands of other slaves.A conversation heard at a local pub:
"Gee, Sam, wish you were here with me."
"But Tom, I am. Look see, I'm right in front of you."
"No you're not."
"Yes, I am."
"Can prove you're not. Bet you $5."
"You're on."
"You're not in New York City, are you?"
"That's true."
"And you're not in Montreal."
"Can't argue with you there." "And you are definitely not in Paris."
"Nope."
"If you're not in New York City, Montreal or Paris, then you must be someplace else."
"Yea, that makes sense."
"Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. So pay up, let's have the $5."
"Can't."
"Why not?"
"I'm not here."An important official who was visiting an insane asylum made a telephone call but had difficulty getting his number. Finally, in exasperation, he shouted to the operator, “Look here, miss, do you know who I am?” “No,” she replied calmly, “but I now where you are.”
At an Italian wedding ceremony, the priest asked the bride, “Do you take Franco Giuseppe-Antonio to be your husband?”
The bride looking very confused said, “father, there is a mistake. I am only marrying Frank.”Two young idiots were camping out in the forest one night. But the mosquitoes
Were so fierce that the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from getting bitten.
The one of the boys saw some lightning bugs. “We may as well give up,” he told his friend. “Now they are coming at us with flashlights.”*"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
*"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
*"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
*"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
*"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
*"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
*"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
*"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
*"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
*"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
*"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
*"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
*"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
*"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
*"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
*"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and bang- right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear?” she asked.
An older man went to his doctor with a variety of complaints. After examining him, the doctor said, "Well, you've got some problems, all right, but if you'd give up smoking, drinking, and chasing women, I think you'd last a good while longer."
"But Doc," answered the man, "I don't smoke, drink, or chase women."
"Oh," replied the doctor, "I'm sorry."
Moral: Keep some vices to give up in your old age.A divorced billionaire was ordered by the Court to hand over a 49% share of his Corporation to his ex-wife. The Billionaire, we will call him Sam, was actively involved in acquiring properties wherever he chose. At an annual Board Meeting with his executives, the company stockholders, minus the ex-wife, were reviewing the land acquisitions during the time since Sam's divorce was finalized. They started a discussion of each property, one by one. "Fish Haven, Idaho, I see the aggression expression on that purchase", the one executive commented. Sam gave his nod of admission of its truth. The next company man made his statement, "Dog Walk, Kentucky", "Again we have an aggression expression, don't we Sam?" Sam concurred with that fact again. "Horse heads, New York," and the company man said, "Aggression Expression with DRAMATIC innuendo!" Sam was all too willing to say yes and be understood as an angry and vengeful man. The next property on the roster was Canton, Ohio. "Canton, Ohio?” asked the 4th company man, "I don't see any sign of your conveyance of your indignation, to your ex, on this property name." Sam replied, "No, this acquisition was just to say I love Chinese food."
A guy wakes up and sees his roommate standing in his bedroom apparently rubbing shampoo into his own hair.
The guy is puzzled. His roommate is dressed, doesn't appear to have just gotten out of the shower and his hair isn't even wet.
"What are you doing?!" he exclaims.
"Shampooing my hair, what does it look like," replies his roommate.
"But you've got to wet your hair first!" says the other guy.
"Not with this one, I don't. Look, it says right here: 'For dry hair.'"A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck
to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her
husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."The olympian skier Picabo Street now works in the Intensive Care Unit at a hospital. Unfortunately, the administration told her she can no longer answer the phone, because this is what she said, "Picabo ICU" (Peek-a-boo, I see you)
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
An eighty-year-old man went to his doctor to complain about pain in one knee. The doctor examined it gently and said, "Well, you know that knee is eighty years old. You can't expect too much."
"That's true," the man agreed; "but Doc, so is the other one and it's not bothering me like this one!"A woman carrying her little baby gets on board the train and takes her seat. A man, stumbling out of the club car ? obviously very drunk ? stops in his tracks and peers down closely at the baby.
?My gawd!? he slurs, ?But that?s one ugly kid ya got there lady! I?ve seen some ugly kids, but that one wins the prize for UGLY! My gawd, but why don?t you put a bag over its head??
Well the woman becomes hysterical at this man?s comments. A steward rushes over and all he can make out from the woman?s screams and sobs is that, somehow, the drunk has been the cause of this. So he escorts the man to another car then comes back to try to comfort the woman.
?Look, lady, I don?t know what the man did or said, but I?ve moved him to another car so that he can?t bother you any more.? The steward said. ?I see that you?re still very upset so I brought you a drink, compliments of the train, to help you calm down. And look! I also brought a banana for your monkey!?A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt on his back and had nothing left but the return half of his round trip ticket--If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting in line. As they drove off he explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, but to no avail. The cabbie pulled over and said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the back end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a free ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman decided he would make the guy pay for his lack of charity. The businessman got in the first cab in line and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. >
The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.
“What happened, Honey?” asked his wife.
“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents.” “That wasn’t to smart,” replied his wife.
“Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save five dollars?”A young jewish boy was doing very poorly in school, especially in mathematics. So, his father, after much deliberation, decided to send him to a catholic school because he'd heard that they were very good. For three months, the father didn't see much of the son because he was always studying. On his first report card, he got all a's. His dad was mystified by the incredibly excellent results and asked his son how it could be that he was doing so well. He'd expected improvement but this was really quite amazing! His son replied "well, I really knew they meant business that very first day when i walked into the classroom and they had that guy nailed to the plus sign!"
The nurse burst into the doctor’s office. “Doctor! She yelled, “you just gave a clean bill of health to Mr. Smith and … and he dropped dead right outside the door!”
The doctor jumped into action. “Quick,” he said, “We’ve got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in!”Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for
awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and
sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on
backwards."Why did 18 Antartians go to the Movie? Simple, under 18 were not allowed to watch the movie.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
There was a blonde haired girl, a brown haired girl, and a green haired girl.
The green haired girl asked the brown haired girl, "How did your hair get so brown?"
The brown haired girl replyed, "It's natural."
Then the green haired girl asked the blonde haired girl, "How did your hair get so blonde?"
The blonde answered, "It's natural."
Then the other girls asked the green haired girl, "How did you get your hair so green?"
The green haired girl ran her hands over her nose and into her hair and answered, "Itsnotural."A little boy lived with his mother. His dad had left them when he was still an infant, (doesn't sound funny yet. Yes. I know) and now he was approaching his sixth birthday, never having known what it's like to have a father, to have a man around the house. Naturally, this was on his mother's mind, too. She had been without a partner for years, and was lonely, sometimes very depressed about it.
At the stroke of midnight, one night, the little boy was awakened from his sleep by sounds coming from his mother's room. He got up and went down the hall, opened the door a crack and saw his mother, standing in front of the mirror, naked, her arms spread out to her sides. She was so intensely involved in what she was doing she didn't even see him. She repeated over and over into the mirror, "I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!"
A little confused, but very curious, the boy went back to bed.
The next night, once again, at exactly midnight, he was awakened, and padded down the hallway to find his mother, again, nude, facing the mirror, "I want a man! I want a man! I want a man!!!"
He's no fool. He starts to set his alarm for midnight so he won't miss anything. But this next night, when he's awakened by his alarm and sneaks down the hallway, he hears his mom and some unfamiliar male voice coming from behind her bedroom door. This had never happened before. It scared the stuffing out of him. He ran back to his room and hid under the blankets. When he awoke in the morning, and came downstairs for breakfast, he found his mother sitting at the table with a strange man. She introduced them to each other; he sat there eyeing this man, trying to figure things out. After a while, his mommy showed her new friend to the door, kissed him goodbye, and sent him on his way.
This was not lost on the little boy. And that night, he set his alarm for midnight, again. When the alarm awakened him, he got up, stripped naked, and tiptoed down the hall where he positioned himself directly in front of his mother's mirror. He stretched his arms out wide, looked straight into the glass, opened his little mouth and cried out, "I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle! I want a bicycle!"Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder.Q: Why was the math book sad
A: Because it had too many problems* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast-food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in better touch with your family is that they don't have E-mail addresses.
* Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
* You have a "to do" list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks --and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
* You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
* Standard pick-up lines now include references to liquid assets and capital gains.
* You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored sticky notes.
* Your grocery list has been on the front of your fridge so long some of the products don't even exist any longer.
* You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on how to improve their production and marketing
processes.
* You get all excited when it's Saturday -- and that just means you can wear your sweats to work.
* You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables."
* You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what it is you do for a living.
* You typically eat out of vending machines, and at the most expensive restaurant in the city, within the same
week.
* You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are standard and acceptable English phrases.
* You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.
* You ask your friends to, "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
* You think Einstein would have been more effective if he put his ideas into matrix.
* You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
* You hear most of your jokes via E-mail instead of in person.The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.
During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet. Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"
John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand."A boy thinks his penis is too small so he goes to visit the doctor. The doctor tells him that he needs to eat one peanut butter sandwich a day and his penis will grow bigger. So the boy goes home and he tells his mom. So the next morning when the boy wakes up he sees him mom making a TON of peanut butter sandwiches. And the boy is is like No No Mom, I only need ONE peanut butter sandwich. And his mom says, "Oh no dear, those are for your father."
"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking abo ut putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.”
“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked. “Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.”
Twelve places you won't find a Facebook logo on the window:
1) The city morgue
2) A gynecologist
3) A proctologist
4) A urologist
5) A tow truck company
6) The coliseum in 50 A.D.
7) A self esteem weekly group meeting.
8) A collection agency
9) A marriage counselor
10) A funeral home
11) Alcoholics Anonymous
12) The IRSAfter a long, bumpy flight, the passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the flight attendants for items left behind on the plane. In a seat pocket, an attendant found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."
Quickly, she gave the bag to the gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.
In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. A Rolls Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my
Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls Royce. The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was
clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking
until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!Heather: I noticed by this article that men become bald much more than women because of the intense activity of their brains.
John: Yes, and I notice that women do not grow beards because of the intense activity of their chins!The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”
“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."Did you hear about the dis-gruntled monkey who didn't like his fruit salad.....the banana in it, didn't have appeal for him.
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.
The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.? "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
A Wisconsinite, a Minnesotan, and an Iowan were walking along the beach, when they spotted an old lamp half buried in the sand.
The Iowan bent over and picked it up, and began to rub the sand off of it.
As he did so, a genie popped out of the lamp, and said "I'll give you three wishes, one for each of you."
The Iowan said, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Iowa."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM" the land in Iowa was forever made fertile for farming.
The Wisconsinite was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Wisconsin, so that no one can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF, there was a huge wall around Wisconsin.
The Minnesotan says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and nothing can get in or out."
The Minnesotan says, "Fill it up with water."An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
Stranger: Catch any fish?
Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning.
Stranger: Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden.
Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in the country.A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone
and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? A. Put a nipple on it.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."Q: What did Tennessee?
A: The same thing that Arkansas.While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses, each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asked one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she said with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”
It's the 1880's, wild west, Dodge City, Kansas, Saw Dust Saloon.
A gunslinger walks into the bar, looks over, and there's Wyatt Earp sitting there, playing cards. The gunslinger saunters over to the table and says, "Mr. Earp, I really admire you, and I just wanted you to know that I plan on being the best gunslinger the west has ever seen, and I was wondering if you had any tips for me."
Well, Wyatt leans his chair back and says, "I don't normally give out tips in this business, as it could be hazardous to my health, but let me look at ya."
The boy steps back, and Wyatt carefully overlooks him.
He nods, and says, "Why yes, I reckon you're a gunslinger alright. Got the leather pants, the waxed holsters, the ivory handled guns... You look nice... But can ye shoot?"
The boy draws a gun, fires, and clips off the right cuff-link off the piano player.
Wyatt nods, and asks, "What about yer left hand?" Before Earp even finished his sentence, the boy had drawn his left gun, fired, and shot off the left cufflink.
Wyatt nods, and says, "Why I reckon that's pretty good shootin', and yes, I do have a tip for ya. Go back there in that kitchen and get the cook to give you a big bucket of lard. Take your guns and dip them way down into the lard. Make sure you get the handles and everything. That's my tip."
The boy looks at him, confused, and says, "Well, why on Earth would I do that?"
Wyatt lowers his seat back to the table and looks at his cards and says, "'Cause as soon as Doc Holiday over there finishes playing the piano, he's gonna come over here, take those two guns of yours and stick em...."
The boy didn't even stay around for the rest of the tip.Mrs. Kinsey was one of those women with a natural curiosity. She had to know everything about everything. “How is it,” she asked the dentist one day, “that such little hole in my tooth feels so big to my tongue?” “Well,” said the dentist, “you know how a woman’s tongue exaggerates.”
The choir had just come out of rehearsal. “Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?” Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey. “Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time,” said David. Mr. Harris nodded, “You certainly have a fine weapon.”
A drunk man in a bar asks the bartender where the bathroom was.
The bartender gives the man directions the man to the bathroom.
A few minutes later, everybody at the bar hears a loud scream from out of the bathroom and wonders what the Hell is going on in there.
A few minutes go by and, again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream coming from the bathroom.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He knocks on the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
The drunk says, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "Well, no wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"How did the violin greet the guitar?
Cello!!After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.A police car pulls up in front of grandma's house and grandpa gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
Grandma looked at her husband and said, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try
these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more paid of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."Q: How did Helen Keller's mother punish her for swearing?
A: She washed her hands with soap.1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor . . . and
you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, ect. and you think it's funny.
12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet . . . you STILL managed to gain 10 pounds.
15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.I got a bit hungry the other day so I stopped at Nick's Cafe and had a light lunch . . . two 40 watt Philips and a 60 watt General Electric.
When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place.
“It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”A recently hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, “Malaria! Chicken pox!
Polio!” the nurse asked another nurse, “why is he going on like that?” The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.”Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
* I started out with nothing, I still have most of it
* My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
* Funny, I don't remember being absent minded
* All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
* Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
* I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...
* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat
cause kids.
* It's hard to make a comeback when you
haven't been anywhere.
* Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
* When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
* It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
-- AmenWhat’s the good part about Alzheimer’s diseased?
You keep meeting new friends.Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
One day, an old Indian Chief needed to call his warriors back to camp. So he decided to use the state of the art communication available at the time, the smoke signal. He started a fire and grabbed a blanket and told his warriors to return "pronto".
Well, the warriors came back 8 hours later. The Chief was pretty upset and asked them, "You no see my smoke signal?".
One of the warriors replied, "Yes, we see smoke signal. We no understand smoke signal."
Chief asks "Why you no understand smoke signal?" Same warrior replies, "Words come in funny shapes."
Just then, another warrior brings over the blanket and began reading the label on it and then asked "Where is China?"A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.
The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients.
The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really is not shit!.
Zen: Shit only happens when it does not happen.
Hinduism: This shit happened before (and it will happen again).
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestant: Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholic: If shit happens, you deserve it!
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Atheism: Shit happens for no apparent reason.
Agnosticism: I think shit happens.
Baptist: I BELIEVE shit happens! (Amen)
Jehovah Witness: Let us in and we will tell you why shit happens.
Scientologist: Feces occurs.
Hare Krishna: ShithappensShithappensShithappens.
Existentialism: I shit therefore I am. (Defeco ergo sum)
New Age Religion: Shit came to me in a vision.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Paganism: If you send shit out into the world, it will return to you threefold.
Mormons: If shit happens, the Church gets 10%.
Stoics: This shit doesn't bother me.
Hedonists: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock knock. Shit happens.
Atheism: No shit.
New Life Christian: Pay us money or shit will happen.
Quantum Physics: The probability that shit will happen is...
Quantum Physics 2: Shit is a wave AND a particle!
Branch Davidianism: David Koresh: I am the shit!
Occultism: I see shit happening in your future.
Bahaiism: Same shit, different pile.There was this little black kid in the 2nd grade and on the first day of school they were doing math. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied,"I didn't like it mama we did math today, and I didn't do good. Every one was smarter than me mama. Why is that mama?" His mom then replied, "That's because you're black son." The next day he went back to school they were doing spelling. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied,"I didn't like it mama we did math today, and I didn't do good. Every one was smarter than me mama. Why is that mama?" His mom then replied, "That's because you're black son." The next day at school they had gym and he could run faster, jump higher, and when they went to the restrooms and he had a bigger dick than every one else. When he got home his mom asked how his day was, and he replied, "I had so much fun mama, we had gym today and I could run faster, jump higher and when I went to the bathroom my dick was longer than everyones. Is that because I'm black mama?" His mom replied, "No son that's because you're 18.
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-- Jeff FoxworthyTEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Three Texas cowboys went to a steakhouse to eat. Each was trying to impress the others.
The first man ordered his steak "rare -- red rare."
The second said, "Just pass mine through the flames and singe it a little. I want to see blood dripping out of it."
Not to be outdone, the third man said, "Aw, just turn the bull loose and I'll tear off a hunk as he goes by."When Mike got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Mike said, "Claudia Schiffer's breasts."A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.”
Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy ‘cause this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.Did you hear about the baby born in the high-tech delivery room?
It was cordless!Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. "And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.There were these two guys standing in front of the court house waiting to go in to see the judge to get their citizenship. There names were Sam and Joe. After several hours of waiting Sam gets called in to see the judge. The judge says I am going to ask you three questions and if you can answer all the questions i will ok your citizenship. Sam says ok you honesty. First question Who was the first President of the United States? Well Sam had a raincoat hanging over his arm in front of him so what he would do is reach down to his belt line and look he had the answers wrote on the upper edge of his underwear. Sam looked at the judge and said George Washington. Second question How many states are there in the U.S.? Again Sam looked you know where and replied to the judge 50.OK the judge said Third question What are the colors of the U.S. flag. Again Sam looks and tells the judge Red White and Blue. Good the judge says you have your citizenship send in the next person on your way out. Sam tells Joe go to the bathroom with me. Joe says but I don't have to go to the bathroom. Sam says come with me I have the answers to the questions wrote on my underwear. We can change in the bathroom and you will have the answers to the questions and take my raincoat with you. Joe is now in front of the judge and the judge tells him If you answer all three of these questions I will give you your citizenship. Joe says ok your honesty. First question Who was the first president of the United States. Joe looks and than says to the judge J.C.Penny. The judge look at Joe and just shakes his head. Second Question How many states are there in the U.S. Joe looks again and says 36-40. This time the judge looks over the top rim of his glasses at Joe and thinks to himself. He has to get this last one right. Third question What are the colors of the U.S. flag? Joe looks and looks and this time he really pulls his beltline out to look and says White with a little brown circle about the size of a dime.
Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center
rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had
fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I
wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I
walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car
and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay!
Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young lady, gave
me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
" I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."A woman invited some people over for dinner. At the table she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" The girl replied, "I wouldn't know what to say." "Just say what you heard Mommy say," the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Once there was a black man that was walking down the street.He happen to look up and saw a man jump from a buliding and bounce write back up on the building. The black man said to this strange person Howd u do that? The man said "Simple u just hit the air pockets and bounce wright back up. The black man watched him agian and he tried it. *SPLAT* Another black man came up and saw the 1st man layin dead on the pavement and hollard up and said what happend? The man hollard from the roof and said he missed the air pockets. The 2nd black man said can u show me how to hit the pockets? The man agreed. The man showd the black man how to do it. The man told him that the airpockets where all over so the balck man jumped and *SPLAT* Then A 3rd black man came up and said "what happend here"? The man said they both missed the air pockets. The black man went up and said show me i can so it. The man jumped and showed him. the black man got a running start from the back of the bulinding and *SPLAT*agian An hour later 2 cops walked by and said to each other "superman's been foolin with those niggers agian THE END
A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips over and lands spread legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up again but realizes that she landed so hard that
her vagina has stuck to the floor creating such a vacuum that she can't move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her up but she won't budge. So he goes next door and gets the neighbor. Both of them are pulling like oxen but she just won't move. She is truly stuck to the floor.
Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"
"Great idea," says the husband, "But let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her."
"Why?" asks a confused neighbor.
"She'll need the lubrication so I can slide her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."A guy in the rear of a full elevator shouts, "Ballroom please."
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."Q: What’s the hardest part about skydiving
A: The ground.Joe: Did you hear about the midget who died playing ping pong?
Fred: No, what happened?
Joe: He got excited and fell off the table.When I was a kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually.
A policeman parked his police van in from of the station, while gathering his equipment, his K-9 partner Tops was barking, and he saw a little boy staring in at him “Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked. “It sure is,” the policeman replied. Puzzle, the boy looked at him and towards the back of the van.
Finally he asked; “What did he do?”An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking
at 100 angry natives . . .
The voice booms out again, "Okay . . . NOW you're screwed."“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.” “You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.
“No, historical. She is always digging up my past.”Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering1. Demand to see something that's not out for
sale. When they go to look for it, leave.
2. Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked
price.
3. Walk around criticizing the quality,
condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!"
4. Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling
and walking around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high enough, put it all back and leave.
5. When not observed, switch or remove the
price tags.
6. When you see a sale, go home, round up all
the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.
7. When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly
by. Go up the block, turn around and drive slowly by again. Repeat a dozen times.
8. Ask for food and drink.
9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't understand. Leave cursing.
10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation.
Leave without making a purchase.
11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards.
Peek at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage sale?"
12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this say "I've changed my mind" and leave.
13. Picket the sale with a sign that reads
"Garage Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants".A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "Running of the Bulls" festival. After his first day there, he has dinner at a restaurant in the center of town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?"
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull that lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first, the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try the local delicacy, and to his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to return the next evening and order it again.
The following evening the waiter brings out the plate but this time the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" the man asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?
A man is walking down the street. He sees a beautiful woman coming toward him. She's walking a dog. As she comes nearer, he finds he can't take his eyes off the dog...she gets within ten feet of him, and he says, "Excuse me, lady, but I couldn't help noticing...your dog has no nose...how does he smell?"
"Awful!" She repliedA man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. “Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight.” When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”
A Neutron walks into a bar and asks for a beer. When the bartender sets a beer down, the neutron asks, "How much will this cost?"
The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."A man and his wife, living in New York decide to take a trip to sunny California. They are on the road for several hours when a policeman pulls the car over and says: "Hey Mister! Didn't you notice that your wife fell out of your car about a mile back?" "Thank goodness!" the man replied, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her MOTHER.The patient staggered to the pharmacy counter flinching.
“Say, would you give me something for my head?” The pharmacist looked up.
“Why? What would I do with it?”The four men at the card table were being bothered by an irritating know-it-all. When the troublesome talker stepped into the next room, one of the players suggested, "This next hand let's make up a game nobody ever heard of-he won't know what the hell we're playing and maybe that will shut him up."
When the know-it-all returned, the dealer tore the top two cards in half and gave them to the man on his right; he tore the corners off the next three cards and placed them before the next player, face up; he tore the next five cards in quarters, gave fifteen pieces to the third man, four to himself and put the last piece in the center of the table.
Looking intently at four small pieces of card in his hand, the dealer said, "I have a mingle, so I think I'll bet a dollar."
The second man stared at the pasteboards scattered before him. "I have a snazzle," he announced, "so I'll raise you a dollar."
The third man folded without betting and the fourth, after due deliberation, said, "I've a farfle, so I'll raise you two dollars."
The know-it-all shook his head slowly from side to side. "You're crazy," he said, "you're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle."What do you call a bear without an ear?
A B!A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive. There’s no water in that pool.” “That’s all right,” said the man. “I can’t swim.”
A Defendant in a court case was in a precarious situation regarding his Federal indictment, and the subsequent preponderance of evidence of his guilt. The day of his appearance on the witness stand, the bailiff had sworn him in for his testimony and he was asked to swear on a Bible that he was telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. The Defendant answered in his customary evasive style, "Show me the part of the Bible where there is a spelling error, and I will swear on that".
Q: Why did the man fall off the building?
A: He tripped.Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 16 15 14 12 11 10 9 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 32 30 28 27 26 25 24 39 38 37 36 35 34 33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.
3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day -- Negotiation Day -- has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh no, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
A: Because he was too heavy to carryHow does a doctor commit suicide? He jumps down from his ego to his IQ.
An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Dormitory --- Dirty Room
Desperation --- A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code --- Here come Dots
Slot Machines --- Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity --- Is No Amity
Mother-in-law --- Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms --- Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness --- Genuine Class
Semolina --- Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries --- Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point --- I'm a Dot in Place
Eleven plus two --- Twelve plus one
Contradiction --- Accord not in it
Astronomer --- Moon Starer
Princess Diana --- End Is A Car Spin
AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART
Year Two Thousand --- A Year To Shut DownA rich man and a poor man were sitting in a bar late one night.
They were talking about different things and then the poor man asked the rich man what he bought his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring," says the rich man.
The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?"
The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So . . . What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?"
The poor man said, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items.
The poor man replied, "Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”
Rebecca goes to the doctor because she's got a terrible problem with body odor. The doctor says, "Well, do you wash?" Rebecca says, "Of course I wash. I get in the shower, start at my head, and I wash down as far as possible. Then I start down at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."
The doctor says, "Go home and wash possible."If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00Why do people arriving at an elevator feel compelled to push the already lit button? Do they really think they have some "magical power" that will call the elevator faster?
Notice on the bulletin board at the wrestling arena: “There will be a rehearsal for tonight’s bout.”
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."Three Anthropologists - An Englishman, a Japanese, and a New Yorker - were captured by cannibals in the jungle.
The head cannibal spoke to them, "Look, we've captured you, and we're cannibals, so - well, we're going to eat you. I know you probably don't like the idea, but this is how we live, and our entire village of men, women and children, both young and old, will be sustained as a result. Besides that, nothing goes to waste - we eat all your edible parts, and we make tools and implements from your bones & hair, glue from your eyeballs & toenails, rattles with your teeth, and we'll even make a canoe from your skin." "Beside that" he continued, "We'll let you kill yourself in any manner you want."
The Japanese anthropologist chose ritual disembowelment, and requested a ceremonial sword. He was given one and shown to a hut, where he killed himself.
The English anthropologist requested a pistol. He was given one, went behind a hut, and shot himself.
When it was the New York anthropologist's turn, he requested a fork.
"A fork?" said the head cannibal "You want to kill yourself with a FORK?"
"Yeah," said the New Yorker," I said I wanted a fork so gimme a fork, shut up and just gimme a goddam fork, awright?!?"
When handed the fork, the New Yorker began to violently stab himself all over his arms, legs, chest, stomach ribs, back and front . . . "FUCK your CANOE!" he shouted.It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
"What is it son."
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"Two convicts were sitting on their cot in a jail cell. One says to the other, "I hear you’re getting out in a few days. Tell me something are you going straight, or are you going back into politics?"
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in
our garden!"Good Luck Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog". The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?". The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, gee, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss,the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God.
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen
to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
MomAn idiot guy walks up to the door of a bar, rolling a wheel along with him. The bouncer says, “Hey, what are you doing with that?”
“Last time I came here, they said we had to have proper IDs and a tire.”Two truck drivers applied for a job. One said, “I’m Joe and this is my partner, John; when I drive at night, he sleeps.”
The foreman said, “all right, I’ll give you and oral test. It’s two o’clock in the morning. You’re on a little bridge and your truck is loaded with nitroglycerin. All of a sudden a truck comes toward you at about 70 miles per hour. What’s the first thing you do?”
Joe said; “I wake up my partner, John. He never saw a wreck like this before.The Mother and daughter were shopping for the girl's bridal gown. The Mother said, "Thank goodness, I'll see you get married in white," the Mother said.
"Why's that Mother ?" the daughter asked.
"Well dear, to be honest, only a virgin should be married in a white gown; otherwise, lavender is used."
"Oh!" replied the girl. "Well, how about a white gown with lavender trim?"A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'Little Timmy and Little Bobby go to visit their grandmother in the country. They've been brought up in a fairly ill-disciplined household and are prone to swear quite a bit. Anyway after about a solid week of cursing and swearing their grandmother can't take it anymore and goes to see her friend Maude and get some advice. "What can I do about them swearing?" says the grandmother, "As far as I'm concerned there is only really one thing you can do," says Maude, "next time they swear just hit 'em good and hard and they won't do it again." "I can't do that!" says grandma, shocked at the thought, "they're my grandchildren!" "Look," says Maude, "It'll teach 'em a good lesson mark my words." Anyway Grandma leaves and goes home. The next morning Timmy and Bobby go downstairs to have breakfast. Grandma says to Bobby, "And what would you like for breakfast?" To which Bobby replies," Give me some of them Fucking cornflakes!" Grandma lashes out with this big swing and knocks Bobby clean out of his chair. He sits on the ground looking shocked at his grandma. Next Grandma turns to Timmy," and what would you like for breakfast little Timmy?" Timmy looks at his brother and then back to his grandmother and says, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet arse it won't be fucking cornflakes!!"
The poet had been droning on at the party about his various sources of inspiration. “Yes, he told the young girl. “I’m at present collecting some of my better poems to be published posthumously.” “Lovely,” said the girl. “I’ll look forward to it.”
Thank you for asking a very timely and appropriate question. The first symptom of a gay car is a throbbing sensation in the rear end. This is usually rectified by ensuring that the rear end is adequately lubed. Be sure to check which grease viscosity is appropriate for your particular application. In advanced cases the rear end actually starts to loosen up or tear apart. This can lead to major driveability problems. Another symptom is higher auto insurance rates resulting from your vehicle being continuously rearended. Be sure to watch out for the pink Mary Kaymobiles as they tend to be involved in an inordinate number of rearend accidents. If the pounding continues, it will ultimately destroy the vehicle. In many cases it takes seven years or more before real wear and tear starts to show, but then things really go downhill in a hurry. Why some cars are gay is a question often pondered by automotive engineers. Some studies point to manufacturing defects, although the specific defect(s) or combinations thereof have not yet been identified. Others indicate that a car's environment may be to blame. They feel that parking next to other gay cars for extended periods in parking lots and ramps may adversely affect a car with otherwise normal predispositions.
Is a technique for distributing all the junk in your garage among all the other garages in the neighborhood.
A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o", not "ho-lo-peen-yo".
The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."
The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please." The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
A Doctor at a health conference said “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."A gang member was holding his 8 month old baby while wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother."
The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
- You can learn many things from children . . . like how much patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.A small two-seat Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish Search & Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his dream was about to come true.
When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you. I would like to tell you a joke before I start."
The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke."
The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollocks and..."
The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?"
"I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower."The missionary arrived in the cannibal village on Saturday, and by Monday night he was history. Looking through his belongings, one of the natives found a magazine and without missing a beat began tearing out pictures of people and popping them in is mouth.
Seeing what he was doing, a friend asked, “So…how’s the dehydrated stuff?”Q: Why don't blind people sky dive?
A: It scares there dogs to death.I traveled almost all over the world
- Wow, you must know geography well.
- Oh yes I spent 2 months there..!A very exited mother asked her daughter: Well, what happened when you showed the girls in the office your new engagement ring? Did they all admire it?
Her daughter replied: Better than that, four of them recognized it.A zebra and a penguin were at a posh Party. The penguin said to the zebra, "Man, that must have been some fight you were in. Your tux is all shredded to pieces."
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"1. Aquadextrous (akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing
the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The
act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
more chance.
3. Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the
piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.
4. Elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two
people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that
refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the
rug.
6. Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. Peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy
restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of
dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on
a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.Q: What do gay termites eat?
A: Woodpeckers.At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: “Delayed by storm. Send instructions”
His boss e-mails back: “Start vacation immediately”Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.Pat and Mick have just started their job installing telegraph poles. At the end of the first week they both go to collect their wages and the boss tells Mick he is dismissed. Why? asks Mick. Well, said the boss. Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5, Mick looks rather perplex, and says, “but look how far he has left them sticking out.”
One guy to another; they say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don’t believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn’t see any difference.
“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month – so far – not a cent.”
A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”
A Scotsman visiting Tokyo, entered a shop hoping that it would be air conditioned so he could escape the sweletering heat. It was not. Complaining, he asked the shop owner "'Tis so hot herrrre, how do ye keep yersel's cool?" The shop owner replied "Ah so, you should buy nice fan to coo' yourse'f, see, I have big serrection of fan" pointing to a large wall display of different sizes brightly colored Japanese fans. "How much for the lairrgest one therrre?" asked the Scot. "Oh, that very fine fan, onry 10 dorrar. Keep you very coo'" replied the shopkeeper. The cost concious Scot the asked "Wellll, what aboot the smallerrr one next to it?" A'so, very fine fan, onry 8 dorrar" said the Japanese. "Hmmm, and the next one?" aked the Scot. "Not quite as good but it too keep you coo', onry 5 dorrar" said the shopkeeper. "Wellll then, what aboot that smallest one on the end therrrre? asked the Scot. "Oh", replied the shopkeeper with some sales disappointment "that one onry 50 cent." "I'll take it!" announced the Scot, paid and left the shop with his purchase, fanning himself on his way out. Five minutes later, he returns, flinging a handful of paper and wood down on the counter and shouting at the shopkeeper " I want a rrrrefund!" Staring at the remnants of the fan the shopkeeper says "Oh, you mus' fan yourse'f too hard! Break fan." "I just fanned normally" argues the Scot. "Show me how you fan yourse'f" demands the shopkeeper. "Just like this", says the Scot with a not too vigerous flapping of his wrist in a fanning motion. "Oh," says the Japanese, "for 50 cent you no fan rike this" (mimiking the Scot's fanning motion) "you fan rike this!" as he holds his hand stationary in front of his face and vigerously shakes his head from side to side.
Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh!If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
--Bobcat GoldthwaitIs a technique for distributing all the junk in your garage among all the other garages in the neighborhood.
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"A man walks into a restaurant and is shown to his seat by the hostess. The waiter approaches and asks, "Would you like to try our house special?” The man replies, "No, just bring me a steak, and make it lean". The waiter, somewhat puzzled, looks at him and replies, "which way?"
These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show "Family Feud"
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath -Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deck chair
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A con man
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
Something with a hole in it - Window
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - DecorateAn inebriated man and his drunken friend were sitting at a bar.
“Do you know what time it is?” Asked the drunk.
“Sure,” said the man
“Thanks,” said the drunk.A man came home and saw a snail on his doorstep.? He picked it up and threw it as far as he could.? Six months later hearing a sound at his door, he opened it and saw the same snail.
The snail looks up at the man and says, "What the hell was that all about?"?An Idiot was eating in a restaurant and suddenly, he started singing aloud to the pleasure of the other customers. After eating, he stood up to go without paying for his meal. "You haven't paid for your meal" said a waitress to him to which he replied "what do you make of my entertainment then?" Getting annoyed, the waitress replied, “no one asked you to entertain anyone," to which the Idiot replied "no one asked me to come and eat here either."
A small boy opened the big old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the very old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in
between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy
called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!"Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...Men’s brains are like prison system: not enough cells per man.
A beginner rider at the stables was trying to saddle a horse. “Excuse me,” said the old hand, “but you are putting that saddle on backwards.” “How do you know,” snapped the student. “You do not know which way I’m going.”
Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older. One
said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in
front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it
away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the
stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table...then said,
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"The slave driver of the Roman galleon leered down at his galley slaves
and bellowed, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight!"
The murmuring of the surprised slaves as they struggled with their oars was interrupted by the slave driver. "The bad news is that this afternoon the commander's son wants to water-ski."Read this from Readers Digest a long time ago: One day a Cowpoke riding the plains, came upon a warrior with his head down on the ground with his ear on a wagon track, the warrior looked up at the cowpoke and said" Wagon with two horses, one black, one white, man with beard drive, smoke pipe, women ride, wear blue dress with bonnet" the cowpoke looks at the warrior and said" you mean you can tell me all that just by listening to a wagon track? The warrior looked up and replied, "No! Run over me half hour ago...
Q: Q: What do dolphins and men have in common?
A: They say that they're intelligent but no one's been able to prove that.Mr. Parker saw his son’s shiner and demanded, “Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?”
“No one,” replied the spunky child. “I had to fight for it.”An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later. “How is it?” he asked entering the house. “Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.”
Two friends are talking and one says to the other; “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.
His friend asks; “What do you mean?”A husband was standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, his wife commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."The long-awaited day came at last when Mother took us to the station to welcome Father home from the war. My brother George, who had been very small when Father went overseas and couldn't remember what he looked like, was watching everything intently.
As the soldiers left the train, they marched past the roped-off crowds. Father was the first to come by. Mother called to him and he broke ranks to greet us.
We were overjoyed to have Father home again, and everything went smoothly until later in the day when George misbehaved and Dad scolded him.
George glared at him, then turned to Mother and demanded indignantly, "Did you HAVE to pick the first one you saw?"
A doctor calls his patient and says; the check you gave me for my bill came back.
The patient replied: So did my arthritis!Q: What do you get when you cross Flipper (a dolphin TV Star) with Jaws (shark from the movie Jaws)?
A: A fish that will bite you in half then save you from drowning.A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."The young son of a family of three balloons was sufficiently small for him to sleep with his parents in their bed. The time came when he became too big to fit in the bed and his father told him to sleep in another bedroom. During the night the son was afraid and went back to his parents but could not fit. He undid the knot in his father balloon to make him smaller and thus create some space and then re-knotted it. This did not work and he did the same to the mother balloon, still no joy, so he did the same to himself and eventually managed to snuggle in. The next day the father saw his son and very angry he said, “Son you’ve let me down, your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down.”
Here is something that a friend sent to me today in response to an Ebonically written letter I sent him recently. His nationality is a combination of Jewish, French, and Russian. Enjoy!
He writes,
Dear Fly Boy, Nice to hear from you. Sorry for the delay, but I'm not crazy about this E-Mail stuff. Anyway, here's something to help you understand your Jewish brothers.
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a 2nd language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews.
Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of the phrases in standard English and Jewish English.
SAMPLES OF PRONUNCIATION CHARACTERISTICS
1. Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
Thus, "hand" becomes "hand.
2. The letter"W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking" becomes "valking".
3. "R" sounds are transformed to a gutteral utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It's "ghraining alghready".
SAMPLES OF IDIOMATIC CHARACTERISTICS
1. Questions are always answered with questions. Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics Response: "How should I feel?"
2. The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning.
"She dances beautifully, that girl".
3. The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis:
mountains become shmountains; turtle becomes shmurtle.
SAMPLE USAGE COMPARISONS
Standard English phrase followed by it's Hebonic counterpart.
1. He walks slowly. Like a fly in the ointment he walks.
2. You're so sexy. (Unknown concept)
3. Sorry, I don't know the time. What do I look like, a clock?
4. I hope things turn out for the best. You should BE so lucky.
5. Anything can happen. It is never so bad it can't get worse.
Maybe someone should work on an Ebonics/Hebonics, translator - avoiding English entirely!
Stay well bro'.“Hello, Operator. You gave me the wrong number.” The young man was quite peeved about it. I’m calling HOpe5567. “There is no such exchange as Rope,” said the operator.
“Hope,” replied the man angrily. “H like in Harry, O for Otto, P for Peter and E for Edward.” “Gee,” said the operator, “that phone booth must be awfully crowded.
But what number do you want?”A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean? Nothing; It just waved.
Say, Joe,” a man said to his friend, “how do you like your new job?”
“It’s the worst job I have ever had.” “How long have you been there?” asked his buddy.
“About three months.” Said Joe. “Why don’t you quit?” said his friend.
“No way. This is the fist time in 25 years that I have looked forward to going home after work.’To get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple enjoyed spending weekends relaxing in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, their came up with a plan to assure themselves some privacy. When they set up camp, they placed this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance Agent. Ask about our term life package”
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of Grandma's hairs are white?"The poet had been droning on at the party about his various sources of inspiration. “Yes, he told the young girl. “I’m at present collecting some of my better poems to be published posthumously.” “Lovely,” said the girl. “I’ll look forward to it.”
It's the first day of fifth grade, and the teacher is asking each student a question.
"What was the best part about your summer?" she asks one boy sitting in the front row.
"I went to visit my nanna," he replies.
"It's fifth grade now, so we'll expect you to use the adult word, 'grandma,' okay?" says the teacher. The boy nods.
Next the teacher asks a little girl sitting in the third row. "What is your favorite food?"
The girl replies, "I like peppermint gummy goodies."
"Now, now, remember that this is fifth grade," says the teacher. "Try to use the adult word, okay?" The girl nods.
The teacher then turns to little boy sitting in the corner of the room. "Do you like to read?" she asks.
"Yes, ma'am," he replies.
"Good! Do you have a favorite book? Remember, use the adult word!"
The boy thinks for a moment, then says, "Yes, Winnie-the-Shit."Q. What do you call a Masturbating cow?
A. Beef StroganoffTom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann
Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring
the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern
decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if
the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."What did the tired chess player do?
He took the knight offOne of those things that supposedly actually happened...
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear
of the active."
Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
After taking a moment, the old lady begins, "I guess I would like to be very rich." In a puff of smoke, her rocking chair turns to solid gold and she is surrounded by buckets of money.
"Oh... and I wouuld like to be a young, beautiful princess." Another puff of smoke and she turns into a beautiful young princess.
"What is your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh... my cat is my best friend. I really love him. Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
In a final puff of smoke, there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten.
With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his
leg. He reached into his pocket and took
out a biscuit for the dog.
A passerby, who had seen everything remarked, That's very tolerant of you after what he just did.
Not really, came the reply. I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I
can kick him in the nuts.1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.
3. You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.
4. You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.
6. You remember the premier of MTV-or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."
7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.
8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
9. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11. (Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)
14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.
15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either "Leather and Lace" or "Crazy for You" was playing.
16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.
17. The age-old question "Where's the beef? " still makes you laugh.
18. You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than "TRON."
19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or Ponch from "CHIPS."
20. Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be described by saying "I was experimenting."
21. You've ever shopped at Benetton.
22. You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
23. You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.
24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.
25. You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it was by the first scene.
26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura's wedding on "GH."
27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.
28. You know who shot J.R.
29. You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.
30. This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me."
31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that "New Coke" would NEVER catch on.)
32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.
33. You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.
35. "All skate, change directions" means something to you.
36. You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.
37. You bought a pair of Vans and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you've ever
smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, "I'm so wasted!")
38. You owned a Preppy Handbook.
39. You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.
40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.
41. You learned to swim at about the same time "Jaws" came out . . . and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.
42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch . . . and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by CORD!
43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.
44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or-worst of all-what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.
45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.
46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.
47. You remember having a rotary phone.
48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.
49. "Members Only" jackets...say no more.
50. And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day: ... you actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKIN' ON AIR...I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE...")An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery."
"Sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"After removing a tiny fish from his hook and throwing it back into the water, the fisherman said: “Don’t show up around here anymore without your parents!”
A tribal farmer watching a Tarzan movie rushed out of the hall the moment a tiger appeared on screen, advancing menacingly towards the audience.
The gatekeeper trying to stop him argued that it's only a movie, to which the tribal replied: “I know it’s a movie, you also know it is, but does the tiger know"?Show me a man who comes home in the evening, is greeted by a smile, is encouraged to take off his shoes, has pillows arranged on the floor for him, and is served a delicious meal - and I'll show you a man who lives in a Japanese restaurant!
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His response was: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.
McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl around.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
"Really ?" said her date, "And just how many men are you
intending to marry?"Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"Two Aggies decide they want to go ice fishing so they gather together all their gear, get bundled up nice and warm, and head out onto the ice.
As they were attempting to cut a hole through the ice, they suddenly hear a voice from the heavens "There are no fish under the ice!"
They stopped, looked at one another, shrugged their shoulders, shook their heads and continued to cut the hole in the ice.
Suddenly, the voice from above again says, this time with more authority, "There are no fish under the ice!!!"
The two aggies looked at one another again, couldn't figure it out, and continued to cut the hole in the ice.
Then the voice from above says, "Gentlemen, this is the mall manager! There are no fish under the ice!!!!"Q: What charges can you bring against a transvestite?
A: Male fraud.A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."After his divorce Mr. Lewis realized that poker isn’t the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
One little pig
A salesman was making a call at a farm when he noticed a pig with only three legs and one wooden leg. ?What happened to the pig?? he asked the farmer. ?Why, that thar pig saved my boy?s life, he did.? replied the farmer. ?Save your boy?s life! How?d he do that?? the salesman said. The farmer answered, ?Wallll, when my boy fell into the pond he couldn?t swim, see, and that thar pig jumped in after him and grabbed him and pulled him out of the water, he did. Yep, that?s a special pig.? ?So?I guess he hurt his leg in the rescue?? the salesman suggested. ?Naw. Naw. It?s just that a pig like that ya don?t eat all at oncet!?A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”
1. THE DOCTOR : because he says : "Take off your clothes"
2. THE DENTIST : because he says : "Open wide"
3. THE HAIRDRESSER : because he says : "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. THE MILKMAN : because he says : "Do you want it in the front or the back"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR : because he says : "Once it's in, you'll love it."
6. THE SHARE BROKER : because he says : "It will rise right up, fluctuate
for a while and then slowly fall back again"
7. THE BANKER : because he says : "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
8. THE HUNTER: because he "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots"
9. THE BELL ATLANTIC GUY : because he says : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall?"Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time.
That’s good John; when did you start walking?
When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it.Q:Why did the farmer feed his cow money?
A:Because he wanted rich milkA tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you,” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.” “Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”
Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look I'm changing!Q: Why did the man think that the moon was poor?
A: It was down to its last quarter!An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup
truck on I-20 and asked the driver, "Got any ID?"
The Alabama driver replied, "'bout what?"1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
9. "He's as country as corn flakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."Q: What did the keyboard say to the typist?
A: You’re really pushing my buttons!!!!Two women were talking about their new milkman. "He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one. "And so quickly too!" said the other.
The boss had listened in sympathetic silence as Mario went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise. Then, with a compassionate smile, the CEO patted he younger man on the shoulder. “Yes, Mario,” he said kindly, “I know you can’t get married on the salary I’m paying you… and some day you’ll thank me for it.”
Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat
- let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!
"Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefull went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’
A Spanish man wants to buy a soda from the soda machine. He puts in some change. The machine says "DIME". The man tells the machine "Yo quiero Pepsi!"
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, "Welcome. Is there anything you didn't have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?".
The cat thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?". St. Peter arranged for it.
Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, "Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here
in heaven?" St. Peter of course granted their wish.
About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, "I like it alot, but I really enjoy those 'Meals on Wheels'".Maurice was known among his friend for the promptness with which he sent his ex-wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his rush, he shivered and explained, “I’m afraid that if I ever should fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"Mrs. Kinsey was one of those women with a natural curiosity. She had to know everything about everything. “How is it,” she asked the dentist one day, “that such little hole in my tooth feels so big to my tongue?” “Well,” said the dentist, “you know how a woman’s tongue exaggerates.”
Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind. About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells "Tits!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell.
St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into Hell where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
They begin there long trek down the tunnel. About half way down St. Peter leans over towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell.Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others do. They are called "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They're called "Comment Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin.
They are called "Aggie Tators."
There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing. We call them "Hezzie Tators."
Some people put on a front and act like someone else. They're called "Emma Tators."
Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Tators."What's about 6 inches long, has a big head, and drives women crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he
ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him
neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin like dat."How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
---Rita RudnerEllen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus.................Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus...........Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Tim Allen virus..............Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus............Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Saddam Hussein virus.........Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus..........Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
George Michaels virus........Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files
X-files virus................All your Icons start shapeshifting.
Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Sony Bono virus..............Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
Martha Stewart virus.........Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus..........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
AT&T virus...................Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus....................Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the ATnT virus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Viagra virus.................Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.Once there was a cowboy who had lived on a ranch in the southwest all his life. One day he finally gained enough money to go to New York City. He bought a snazzy cowboy suit, and hopped on a plane to New York. When he got there, he checked into his Hotel, and went to the nearest bar.While sitting there, a beautiful woman in a slinky dress walked up to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied,"I would say so, I have a ranch, 500 head of cattle, a big wheat feild, etc." Then, hoping to start a conversatiion with her, asked,"So, what are you?" She replied,"I'm a lesbian." Having lived on a ranch his whole life, he didn;t know what that was. so he asked her,"What exactly is that?" She replied,"Well, every day, I wake up thinking about women, how beautiful they are, the curves in their body, etc." With that, she got up and left. Another woman walked up to the cowboy and asked him," Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I usd to think so, but now I think I'm a lesbian."
A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night.
One day, Susie and her mother were washing dishes. Susie noticed that her mother was starting to get a few white hairs.
"Mommy, Why do you have so many white hairs?" Susie asked?
"Well, when you do something bad or hurt my feelings, I get another white hair." her mom replied.
"Oh!" Susie said.
She thought for a few minutes, got a puzzled look on her face and then asked her mother, "Why is Grandma's hair all white?""Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!"
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. ‘Could you push me to the gas station?”
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.
“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.
“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.’A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy. “What’s wrong?” the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!” “I know,” he groaned, “But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!”
A guy coming out of the gym tells his friend; “I just lost 10 pounds!”
His friend says; “Turn around; I think I found them!”One day, at the local prison, the warden called a meeting with the doctor and the cook.
They went over the medical records of each prisoner and reviewed the cook's menu.
The reason, the Warden later explained, was to make sure that the prisoners didn't eat anything which might make them "break-out".CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't they ever think to do their work during the daytime?
---Jersey TomatoThe mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule. His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.
A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had was
the $125 that he'd spent on the mule that died.
"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets
printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"From you."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."A woman in a Range Rover is driving through the mall parking lot. Eventually after twenty minutes of increasing anger she finds a parking space. As she is about to carefully reverse in, a Porsche 911 appears from nowhere and blasts into the spot.
The driver, complete with sunglasses and racing gloves gets out and smirks at the woman. "Thats what ya call acceleration, lady!" he yells.
Then to his horror he watches the woman back up 100 yards and accelerate up to 60mph right into his precious Porsche, damaging it beyond recognition.
As the woman gets out she shouts, "Thats what you call a rental car with collision damage insurance smartass!"My car is so fast the payments are three months behind.
A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “what is the quickest way to the lake? The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. “I’m driving.” “That is the quickest way!” the local said.
THE TODDLER DIET
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!
DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.“I hear your husband is a linguist.”
“Yes, he speaks three languages … golf, football, and baseball.G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.Willy runs in and tells his mother you’d better come out. I’ve just knocked over the ladder at the side of the house. His mother says, go and tell your father, I’m busy.
Willy says, Mom he already knows, he’s hanging from the roof.Q: What's the most dangerous letter of the alphabet?
A: The killer "B".Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"A guy and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed.
Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?"
Dad goes, "Well we can't spank him!"You can say 110 degrees without fainting...
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...
You can make instant sun tea...
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car...
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance...
Hot water now comes out of both taps...
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets...
You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
You break a sweat the instant you step outside...at 7:30 a.m. before work...
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?...
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state...Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."A heavy set man went to buy a loaf of bread at the local grocery store. When he got home he saw that the bread was already sliced so the man returned to the store and demanded his money back.
“How did you know how thick I wanted my bread sliced!!!!” yelled the man to the grocery store owner.
The grocery store owner yelled back to the heavy set man, ”If I had known how big you were, I would have had them slice it even thinner!!!”A couple was at the mall and his wife decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, “Where are all the men’s clothes?” In a demure voice the clerk replied, “All of these clothes are for men, sir.”
You see, Doctor, “I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.Son: Dad You Are My Hero.
Dad: Really!
Son: Yes.
Son: Can You Give Me An Autograph With Your Eyes Closed?
Dad: Well, Yes.
Son: Then Sign My Report Card With Your Eyes Closed.Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
Q: How do you stop a Polish tank?
A: You stop the two guys pushing it.In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a
bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He
ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following
month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were
going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and
told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his
account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment
for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.
He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error
once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got
a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous
day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that
the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay
his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game
and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit
card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied
that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail.
The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers
that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company
claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to
recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!!
Q: What did the keyboard say to the typist?
A: You’re really pushing my buttons!!!!Court Case: Watch Where You Sit
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."
Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure,
Miss Jones, a collie-flower!"Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.
A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such that?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
A.How much did you make last year?
B.How much do you have left?
C.Send B.“Hi, police department? I’ve lost my cat and …
“Sorry lady, this is not a police job, we are too busy…
“But you don’t understand… this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human.
He can practically talk.”
“Well, you’d better hang up, lady. He may be trying to call you right now.”A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."This world is divided into 3 types of people.
The people who can count and the people who can't.Sally was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. that's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came
from.
2. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses
every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test
telex/twx communications)
3. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
4. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror.
5. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
6. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in
the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber
machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into
the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the
whole 9 yards."
7. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than
your thumb.
8. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
9. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
10. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for
each gallon of diesel that it burns.
11. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
12. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has
ever won a Super Bowl.
13. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To
Beaver."
14. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
15. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.
16. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.
17. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.
18. There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac
bun.
19. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
20. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
and Budweiser, in that order.
21. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25
miles per year.
22. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the
sale of vodka.
23. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every
year.
24. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world's nuclear weapons combined.
25. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for
a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey
month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."
26. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we Get
the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
27. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the
phrase inspired by this practice.Are YOU a problem thinker?
It started out innocently enough. I began to
think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself -but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that
thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with
the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I
want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college professor, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors . . . they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was
looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend,
is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how
we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed . . . easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.A man was looking to hire a driver for a bus tour business. Three men applied for the job. He calls one into his office to interview him. The man says that he can put the wheels right on the edge of a bridge, drive, and not fall off. The employer is very impressed. He calls another man in. This man says that he can put the wheels halfway off of a bridge, drive, and not fall off. The employer is again very impressed. He calls the last man in. He says, "I heard what the other two guys said, and I don't think I could match them. I usually drive in the middle of a bridge".
A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.
‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?
You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.The workman was hanging a sigh outside of Congress. It read, “Solicitors, fakers and grafters will not be permitted in the House.”
Just then a senator happened by. “Better strike out grafters,” he said, “or we’ll never be able to raise a quorum.”Two eggs, a slice of bacon and a piece of toast walk into a bar.
One of the eggs says to the bartender, "Barkeep, a round of beer for me and my friends".
The bartender turns, looks at the group, and says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast".Heaven:
An American salary
A German car
A Syrian wife
Chinese food
An English Home
Hell:
An American car
German food
Syrian salary
Chinese home
British wifeQ, What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A. A genealogist looks up your family tree . . . A gynecologist looks up your family bush!A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."The refined humor of Stephen Wright: Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?It was very crowded and noise in this Restaurant and this blond girl asks the waiter where the restroom was. And he says: - I can’t hear you! So she gets close to his ear and asks again: - Can you please tell me where the ladies room is? And he replies: - On the other side! So she turns around and gets close to his other ear, and asks:-Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!
And he answers: - On the other side!A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to
spank you!!"
"Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring
me a drink of water?"On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. Then he turned to his father and said; “Gee, Dad, stork doesn’t recognized me.”
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.
The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."
The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that i buy them here but can't smoke them here?"
And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."There once was a blonde who had always heard about ice fishing, so one day she tried it. She went to an icy area, cut a hole, and started fishing. All of a sudden, she hears a voice. “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She ignores it and moves to another area, cutting a hole, and beginning to fish again. Again she hears the booming voice. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!" She is starting to get freaked out now. "Lord? Is that you?" she asks. In reply she hears, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"
A man committed murder. To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000.So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said " I would have got you this result for $100 only"!
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and
sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"A Texas Aggie and a farmer were walking through the farmer's field one sunny afternoon when they came upon a sheep with his head stuck through the fence, unable to extricate itself.
"Look at that poor sheep, he's stuck!" commented the Aggie.
"No he's not", said the farmer, " his head is caught in the fence for a reason."
"What reason?" asked the Aggie.
"Well, let me show you" said the farmer and promptly pulled down his pants and began to have furious sex with the sheep.
When he was finished the farmer further explained "We stick their heads through the fence so they can't get away."
The aggie responds by saying, "I see. Well, that looks really fun!"
The farmer says, "Would you like to try?"
The aggie responds with "I sure would!" and promptly sticks his head though the fence.A businessman flew to Texas for a seminar. It was his first vistit to the Lone Star State, and as he entered the airport terminal, he noticed that it was the biggest airport he had ever been in. As he waited at the baggage carousel, he mentioned this fact to another traveller who replied, "Of course! Everything's big in Texas!"
As he was taking a cab to his hotel, the cab passed a shopping mall, the largest mall he had ever seen. He mentioned this to the cab driver who replied, "Of course! Everything's big in Texas!"
The cab soon arrived at the hotel, and when he entered the lobby, he was struck by the immensity of the place. He mentioned to the desk clerk that it was the biggest hotel lobby he had ever seen, and the desk clerk replied, "Yes, sir! Everything's big in Texas!"
After checking in, a bell hop escorted him to his room. Upon entering the room, the businessman exclaimed that it was the biggest hotel room he had ever seen. "Naturally!" replied the bell hop, "Everything's big in Texas!"
A bit later, having some time on his hands, he went downstairs to the hotel bar - the biggest bar he had ever been in. He sat down on a stool and ordered a beer. When the bartender delivered the beer, the guy couldn't believe the size of it. "You know it!" Said the bartender, "Everything's big in Texas!"
Well, after drinking two of the huge beers, the guy was very, very desparate to find a men's room. The bartender directed him to go "down the hall and turn left." However, as he was not only full of beer but also rather sloshed, he staggered down the hall and turned right, and instead of entering the men's room, he ended up in the hotel pool. Before he had chance to look around, he slipped on the wet floor and fell into the deep end of the pool. Instantly, he began flailing around in the water and yelling, "Don't flush! Don't flush!"One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his father trying to catch fish, when he asked, "Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"
His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."
The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear, Dad?"
"Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear..."
"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?"
"Yes son, I'm sure."
"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little black bear in me?"
"Yes, son, you're all polar bear."
"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?"
"No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking these questions?"
The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my tail off out here!"Q: What is a snail's favorite brand of gas?
A: Shell.Howard County Police officers still write their
reports by hand. The data is later entered later by a into their database by a clerk.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" sheasked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the clerk entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area. After window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal.
The woman was the only customer. The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing.
The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and silver.
It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant.Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.
"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"Blood, a young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"A guy wants to become a magician so he goes out and buys a magician book. Later he gathers his family around the living room for his first trick. Reading his new book he reaches into a bag and pulls out a hammer and to the amazement of his family hits himself in the head with it. He's unconscious and spends a month in the hospital. Suddenly a nurse notices his eye lids flicker. She calls the family in and they gather around his bed. Just then he sits up in bed awake and says..."TA-DAA"
Noise proves nothing -- often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
---Mark Twain, U.S. Author (1835-1910)A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”There were 3 guys in a plane--a baseball player, a hockey player and a terrorist. The plane was going down. The captain said to them, "Throw out everything you have and maybe we will be light enough to land!" So the hockey player threw out all of his hockey equipment, the baseball player threw out all of his baseball equipment, and the terrorist threw out all of his bombs. The plane lands and everybody is safe. A little while later, the baseball player is walking down the street. He sees a kid sitting on the corner crying. He says, "Kid, what's the matter?" The kid answers, "I was outside teaching my little sister how to ride her bike and all of a sudden some baseball bats came out of the sky and hit me on the head!". The hockey player is walking down the street, and he alsso sees a kid sitting on the corner crying. He says, "Little girl, what's the matter?" She answers, "I was outside skipping rope and all of a sudden some hockey pucks came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!". The terrorist is walking down the street and he sees a kid sitting on the corner laughing. He says, "Kid, what's so funny?". The kid says, "A few minutes ago at dinner, my Dad farted and the whole house blew up!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER:
"I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a
hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER:
"Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER:
"Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER:
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER:
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"A patient went to his local chiropractor to see about his back. During the examination, they started talking about horse racing.
The doctor said, "You know, I have a horse. He's really fast . . . well, fast enough to beat most of the others. In fact, the last 3 races he was in were all mighty close races. Fortunately he won them all by a nose. You might want to bet on him sometime".
A week later, the patient went to the races. He remembered what the good doctor told him but he could not remember the horse's name. In fact, he didn't remember asking what it was.
In the first race, there was a horse named Polar Doc. Since his doctor's name was Doctor North, he thought that probably was the doctor's horse and put $10 down on him to win. Polar Doc finished 6th.
In the 5th race, there was a horse named Lumbago and another named Diamond Back. Now, he wasn't sure which was the Doc's but he figured one of them was so he put $10 on each to win. Lumbago finished 2nd and Diamond Back was right behind in 3rd, both were lengths behind the winner.
The next day he was in the doctor's office and decided to ask him the name of his horse. The doctor replied, "Pinnochio, he won the 7th race last night . . . paid $135.20 to win."The teacher said; Tommy, this is the fifth day this week you’ve had to stay after school. What have you to say for yourself?
I’m certainly glad it’s Friday, said Tommy.1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.
2) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation....
3) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
4) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
6) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
7) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
8) I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
9) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
10) Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write "A very good doctor."A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”
Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of
effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again,
jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a
branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her
mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
Baba sent his brother a birthday cake, air mail. He wanted him to get it while the candles were still burning.
The teacher asks: Now, Susan, how may fingers have you?
Susan: Ten.
Teacher: Right. Now if you lost four of them, what would you have?
Susan: No more piano lessons.England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting looking books. So, she went inside.
A woman appeared through a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"
"No, just browsing," said my friend.
"Fine," came the reply. "But, just so you know, around here, most people knock before entering someone's home."Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and
was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way!"why don't they allow dogs in the vatican?
They pee on polesA new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."After many sessions the psychiatrist says to his patient: Congratulations, Sir, you are cured. The patient says: Some cure. Before I was Alexander the Great. Now I’m nobody.
A lady goes to a pet shop to buy a vicious guard dog for her family's summer house.
The clerk, after showing to her an assortment of pit-bulls, Dobermans, etc. ranging from $500-2000, produces a tiny poodle with an asking price of $5,000.
"Why is the poodle so expensive?" asks the lady.
"Well, madam, this dog knows karate. Please let me demonstrate" says the clerk. He produces a large cinderblock. He shows it to the poodle and says "Karate the block", which causes the poodle to attack the cinderblock and turn it to dust.
Then, the clerk shows the dog a large log and says "Karate the log!" The poodle quickly turns the log into toothpicks.
The lady is really impressed, buys the poodle and takes it home inside her bag.
Her husband asked her if she found a dog.
The lady produced the poodle from her pouch.
"How much did you pay for this mutt?" asks her husband.
"Well, I paid $5000, but you must know, this dog knows karate!" informs him his wife.
And the angry husband says "Karate, my ass . . ."After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."Why is it bad to be an egg ?
1. You only get laid once 2. You only get eaten once 3. The only person to sit on your face is your mother.Kathy goes to her local bank, walks into the manager’s office, and says, “I want a loan; I am going to divorce my husband.” “Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager says. “We offer loans only for things like real estate, appliances, automobiles, businesses, and home improvement.” Kathy interrupts: “Stop right there. This definitely falls into the category of ‘Home Improvement.’”
Way back in 1863, in a place called Dodge City, there was a Friday Night Poker Game. Taco Bill always had one....behind his restaurant. The sheriff never did find out about it.
Well, one Friday night, the usual players were on hand. There was Sweet Jim, One Keg Larry, Smokin' Jack, Sour Sam and One-Eyed Ed. And of course, Taco Bill.
That night, the stakes got really high and everyone was getting pretty drunk. Round about midnight, someone caught Sweet Jim cheatin'. As expected, a gunfight broke out. Jim took 3 bullets to the heart. Unfortunately, Sour Sam got caught in the cross-fire and he too, took 3 bullets to the heart.
The other players became really worried....not because of the dead players but rather, they didn't want the sheriff finding out about their Friday night card game.
Taco Bill spoke up and told them not to worry.
Next day, on his menu was a Special......"All you can eat Sweet and Sour Meatballs ....10?".A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”
“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.
“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”What did 2 say to 3 about the unruly 6?
Don't worry about him; he is just a product of our times.The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils.
"Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth, "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled."
"Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, “sixty-five at least.”
The woman replied: I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years.
One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bag boy goes, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.
Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for "new scientific theories."
THE RUNNERS-UP:
4th Runner-Up-- The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd Runner-Up- Communist China is technologically
underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd Runner-Up- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks
riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above
the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Misc Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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